Transcribed.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are brought to you by Chesterfield. Ask your dealer for Chesterfield, the only cigarette that names all its ingredients.
By Anison for faster relief from pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor. And by Beeman's Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Thank you.
This is Dean Martin. Thank you very, very much.
Well, kick off your shoes, settle down in that easy chair and turn up the volume, because here we come for another 30 minute visit.
So I'd like to kick off with Me and Miguel.
The bells are ringing for me and Miguel. All the birds are singing for me and Miguel.
Everybody's been knowing to when they're going. And for weeks they've been sewing.
And the suziens are congregating for me and Miguel. While the parson's waiting for me and Miguel.
And sometime I'm gonna build a little home for two, three or four or more. In love land for me and Miguel.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.
Hey, Dean! Hey, Dean!
Easy down boy, take it easy. Why are you so upset?
Why am I upset? I can't find my head.
But you've got it on. It's that round thing on your shoulders.
You sure that's my head?
Yes.
Good heavens, that means I've lost my Easter egg.
Now, come on, Jer. Now you stop this crazy old talk there. Let's start from scratch.
Start from scratch? Alrighty. I have an itch under my left shoulder blade that is positively demoralizing.
No, no, no, Jer, Jer, Jer, no, no, no. I'm getting upset, really, honestly. You rattle me.
No, you rattle me. I've got pebbles in my head.
You idiot.
What'd you call me?
I said stop it, you idiot.
Listen, Dean Martin, I'm getting sick and tired of your insults all the time. And if you keep it up, I'm gonna do something about it.
Yeah? What are you gonna do, muscles?
Don't arouse my ire now.
If I get mad, I don't know my own strength. Why, only yesterday I made Albert holler uncle.
Who's Albert?
My uncle.
Jerry, aren't you at all interested in intelligent topics, you know, things like philosophy or politics or science?
Don't talk to me about science, buddy. Why, I made a scientific discovery that will revolutionize the world.
Now, what's that?
I discovered that nothing will fly if it's heavier than air. This means that airplanes are absolutely impossible.
So how do you account for the fact that airplanes are flying every day?
That's simple.
You're the first person I've told.
Jerry, believe me, I surrender. Tell me, who's our first guest tonight?
Well, tonight we invited a singer who is so talented and so sensational that there are no words to describe him.
And who is this wonderful fella?
Me.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Lewis will now sing his new recording, The Book Was So Much Better Than the Picture.
From that wonderful movie, The Barber of Seville Goes West.
Oh, the book was so much better than the picture.
In the book she was a waitress, not a maid.
And the man who was a cook was a lifeguard in the book.
On top of that, his part was barely played.
On the screen she threw the blind while she was working.
But the story had her working as a wine.
Oh, the book was so much better than the picture.
That I think they had another book in mind.
So the tears fell in my bag of buttered popcorn.
I was choked up with emotion and regret.
In the book I was so fond of the shy and simple blonde.
And here she was, a ravishing brunette.
And the story, she was plotting out a murder.
But instead I watched her murdering the plot.
Yet I found some sweet enjoyment in the picture.
When I closed my eyes, I thought, helped a lot.
See why they had to go and change the title.
It was hard enough to recognize the thing.
I was waiting for the part where she breaks her father's heart.
Instead they showed his elbow in a sling.
How I moaned and how I cried and how I suffered.
As the book was brought to life upon the screen.
It's no wonder when the author saw the picture.
That he shot himself right in the metony.
The mask is off.
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Many popular songs have been written about people who promise to give their loved ones the stars, the moon, the sun, the clouds and just about everything else they can think of.
I've just recorded a brand new number about a fellow who doesn't make any rash promises.
He says, all I have to give you is my love.
All I have to give you is my love.
All I have to offer you is me.
I wish that I could give you more than just my love.
The world and all its treasures.
The sun, the moon, the stars above.
I'll build you castles towering to the sky.
We'll be next door to heaven, you and I.
Until these dreams come true, my love will have to do.
This is all I have to give to you.
I'll build you castles towering to the sky.
We'll be next door to heaven, you and I.
Until these things come true, my love will have to do.
This is all I have to give to you.
Thank you, folks. Thank you very much.
Well, since I've taken care of the singing chores, I think it's about time I left the talking chores to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean. Ladies and gentlemen, when we ask you to try Anason for the relief of pain due to a headache, neuritis or neuralgia,
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The time has come to extend a warm welcome to our guest of the evening.
She's easily one of the most dazzling stars in the Hollywood constellation and one of the most beautiful women in motion pictures.
It's a pleasure to introduce the glamorous and talented Virginia Mayo.
Thank you very much and hello everybody. Hi Dean.
Well Virginia, it's wonderful having you here tonight. By the way, have you ever met my partner Jerry?
No, we've never met, but some friends of mine gave me a complete description of him.
Tell me, when I meet Jerry, should I scratch his ear or just shake his paw?
Well, Ginny, you needn't worry about Jerry. He's a great admirer of beautiful women. Why, when he sees how lovely you are...
Hey Dean, Dean, I just... Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Jerry, stop it. I believe you're teasing me. I'm teasing you.
Ho, ho, that's rich. I'm afraid you're much too concerned with appearances, Jerry.
Dean's right, Jerry. After all, beauty is just a passing thing. It is? Well of course.
Well, I'm waiting baby. Start passing it.
Now you, you still don't understand, Jerry. Beauty is only skin deep. Good heavens, and somebody must have had me peeled.
Look, now why don't we start from the beginning? After all, I'm just an average member of my sex.
You ain't no member, honey. You're president.
Listen, Jerry, in the first place, you're much too excited, and in the second place, I doubt if you even know the facts of life.
Yeah, well if I didn't know the facts of life in the second place, I wouldn't get so excited in the first place.
Well, you're right, Virginia. Someone's gonna have to tell this boy about the birds and the bees.
Oh, I know all about the birds and bees. It's a big fat lie.
Oh, what do you mean by that? What do you mean by that?
Well, it's just a lie. I put a bird and a bee in the same cage for two whole weeks and nothing happened.
Jerry, stop a second. I think it's about time we head into our sketch.
Sounds like fun, Dean. What's it gonna be?
Well, on our first show many months ago, we did a takeoff on a very wonderful motion picture.
Since then, it's won about five Academy Awards, and a lot of our friends have asked us to repeat it tonight.
With that, for an intro, let's hear the rest from Jimmy Wallington.
Ladies and gentlemen, no doubt many of you have seen and were thrilled by that wonderful Warner Brothers picture, A Streetcar Named Desire.
But for those of you who have not seen it, we are proud to present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Virginia Mayo in...
A Streetcar Named Max.
The scene, a shabby little streetcar in New Orleans. The characters...
My name's Stanley. I'm the motorman on the streetcar.
My name is Blanche. I'm a passenger on the streetcar.
My name is Max. I'm the streetcar.
So what are you laughing already? You think it's easy being a streetcar?
Uh-oh, here comes Stanley, my motorman, the dirty pedal pusher.
Hey, hey, go easy on that clutch. Good gracious, no wonder I have an ulcer.
Hey, there's my girl Blanche. She sure looks pretty. I'll stop and pick her up.
Oh, the paint.
All right, Blanche, one go for a ride?
Gee, Stanley, let's just sit here on the bench and hold hands.
Coax me. Hold hands.
I bet they're gonna smooch.
She's so nice. I love her. Even if she is a girl. I wish, I wish.
Ah, what's the use? Dad doesn't approve of mixed marriages.
I'm going to sneak over there quietly and see what they're doing. I won't make a sound.
Darn that Fred. I told him that five-in-one oil just doesn't do a thing for me.
Hey, he's putting his arm around her. Take your filthy hands off her.
Who was that?
It's me, Max.
Stanley, the streetcar, talks.
Why not? I'm entitled.
This is crazy. Streetcars can't talk.
Okay, so I can't talk. The apartment house across the street has been drilliquis.
I know something, Stanley. He's cute.
Cute? That big stub of steel's cute.
T-U-B is tub, not stub.
Ah, go on, get back on the track before I...
Let him stay, Stanley.
Now you're talking, baby. How's about a kiss?
Well, I don't know. I've never kissed a streetcar before.
Oh, come on. It's no different than kissing a truck.
Listen, Max, if you're a streetcar, you shouldn't be messing around with girls.
Why even look at them? Why think of kissing them? Why must you torture yourself this way?
I like it. I like it.
Well, Max, what is it that you really want?
Blanche, marry me and I'll be the happiest streetcar in the world.
You? You want me to marry you?
Please, I beg of you on bended fender.
I can see us now, just the two of us, and in a year, a little hot rod.
Well, are you through talking to this overgrown perambulator?
How dare you? You're speaking of the streetcar I love.
Max and I are getting married.
Married? He can't support you on the lousy dimes he takes in.
I won't always be a streetcar. I'm ambitious. Someday, I'm going to be a taxi.
How could you ever be a taxi? I'll go to night school.
Let's get back to town. Come on, Stanley. You can be the best man.
How do you like that? Best man to a junk heap.
All aboard, everybody. This bride's on me.
Clang, clang, clang, I'm a trolley.
Clang, clang, clang, I'm his bride.
Clang, clang, clang, he's the winner. And I've just come aboard for the ride.
His handsome break, his gorgeous wheel.
Whoever thought you'd think a wheel had sex appeal?
I got one thing that can't be beat. Whoever saw a human with a leather seat?
Oh, clang, clang, clang, I'm a trolley.
Clang, clang, clang, he's my guy.
Clang, clang, clang, she'll be sorry.
Though I know how you feel, you can't louse up this deal.
Of course, she's mine. To the end of the line.
Well, as Virginia, Jerry, and I ride off on the trolley,
we turn the business at hand over to Jimmy Wallington.
Thanks, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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Well, a few days ago I was listening to one of our local disc jockeys,
and he put a record on the turntable that really released a flood of memories.
This song dated way back, back to the days when I was still getting my knees scratched
and crying when I couldn't get another lollipop.
You see, I always loved to hear Mom go through the nightly ritual of singing this song,
and now it's the song I sing to my little Dino.
Sweetest little fellow everybody knows
Don't know what to call him, but he's mighty like a rose
Looking at his granny with eyes so shiny blue
Make you think that heaven is a-coming close to you
When he's there asleep in his little place
Think I see the angels looking through their lanes
When the dark is falling, when the shadows creep
Then there comes the tiptoe, kissing in his sleep
Sweetest little fellow everybody knows
Don't know what to call him, but he's mighty like a rose
Looking at his granny with eyes so shiny blue
Make you think that heaven is a-coming close to you
Looking at his granny with eyes so shiny blue
Make you think that heaven is a-coming close to you
Thank you.
Gee, Dean, that was beautiful.
Ah, thank you, Jerry. I'm glad you liked it.
My mother sang me to sleep with a sweet song, too. It was so soft and gentle and tender.
Well, what song did she sing?
Cigarettes and whiskey and wild, wild livin' will drive you crazy. They'll drive you insane. Ah-ha.
Sorry to interrupt you, fellas, but I have a surprise visitor here whom I'd like you to meet.
Gosh, I wonder who it could be.
Dean and Jerry, say hello to Miss Betty Mills, West Coast representative of Radio TV Mirror Magazine.
Hello, Betty Mills.
Hello, Dean. Hello, Jerry.
Dean and Jerry, in the annual awards poll conducted by Radio TV Mirror Magazine,
America's most popular radio and television magazine,
American radio listeners have chosen the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show as their favorite comedy program.
Thank you.
Well, thank you. That's very sweet and we're very grateful and we hope that we can continue.
Boys, I came out here to say good night and I guess I'll also have to add some hearty congratulations.
Well, Virginia, I want to thank you very, very much.
And I want to say thanks, too, Virginia. You know, it's a wonderful thing to have guests like you who help us get this award.
Well, I hope the others enjoy themselves as much as I did. Good night, boys, and good night, everybody.
Good night, Virginia.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, Dean and I have adopted the Muscular Dystrophy Association as our pet charity.
When we previously mentioned that no one had come to the aid of muscular dystrophy victims,
we unwittingly did an injustice to a wonderful Masonic order called the Tall Cedars of Lebanon.
As long ago as last May, these wonderful people adopted support of this charity as their national objective,
and not only have they contributed $10,000, but they now inform me that they are contributing an additional $20,000.
The Tall Cedars of Lebanon is the first major organization which came to the aid of muscular dystrophy, and we think you all ought to know about it.
We also think you all ought to know that many more dollars are needed before we can finally bring hope of life to the thousands of men, women, boys, and girls who now suffer from this incurable disease.
Please send whatever you can to MDA New York 8 New York. That's MDA New York 8 New York.
Until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that our latest picture, Sailor Beware, can now be seen at your local theaters.
Good night, God bless you.
Good night, all.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood you have just heard transcribed, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear, produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music under the direction of Dick Stabiel, and brought to you by Chesterfield, the only cigarette that names all its ingredients.
Sound off for Chesterfield, a cigarette that's much milder, with an extraordinarily good taste, and most important, no unpleasant aftertaste.
By Anison, for pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia.
By Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor, and by Beeman's pepsi, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.
Virginia Mayer will soon be seen co-starring in Warner Brothers. She's working her way through college.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.