Transcribed.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood we present the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Applause.
And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Hello.
Applause.
How are you?
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Well, this is a pretty full week for Jerry and me.
While we've been working on tonight's radio show, we've also been in rehearsal for our television show, which is this Sunday.
Well, all of it is more than worthwhile.
So let's get this segment underway with a touch of that ever-loving oldie, the object of my affection.
The object of my affection can change my complexion from white to rosy red.
Anytime she holds my hand, tells me that she's mine. There are many girls who can fill me, some who can fill me with dreams of happiness.
But I know I'll never rest until she says she's mine.
Well, I'm not afraid she'll leave me, cause she's not the kind who'll be unfair.
But instead I trust her implicitly. She can go where she wants to go, do what she wants to do, I don't care.
The object of my affection can change my complexion from white to rosy red.
Anytime she holds my hand, tells me that she's mine.
The object of my affection can change my complexion from white to rosy red.
Anytime she holds my hand, tells me oh she's mine.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to sort of...
Hey Dean, Dean, did you hear the news?
Easy, easy, take it easy boy, what's all the excitement?
When you hear the news, the Navy is drafting midgets.
The Navy is drafting midgets?
Oh yeah, I just saw a big sign in one of the stores, come see the new 20 inch Admiral.
Harry, that Admiral isn't a Navy man, it's a television set.
Good heavens, no wonder he didn't return my salute.
Ah, you're impossible.
Oh yeah?
Well I got things on my mind, this morning I went to the dentist and he said that three of my teeth needed work.
Okay, so three of your teeth need work, and what's the problem?
Who's got a job for three teeth?
Jerry, look, I'll give your teeth a job myself, okay? I'll take them home with me tonight.
Okay, but you won't like them.
Why not?
They're Perry Como fans.
Ah, shut up.
Ah, what's the use of trying? You'll never change Jerry, you'll always be the same old Jerry Lewis.
Well that's better than what you're doing Dean Morton.
Well what am I doing?
You're traveling under an assumed nose.
So now you want to insult me, huh?
What is it with you Jerry? Are you an idiot?
No.
An imbecile? An income poop?
No, but you're getting warm.
Are you a dope blockhead?
No, keep going.
A dunce?
No.
Well what are you?
I'm an idiot.
An idiot.
I already said that, you should have stopped me.
I know, but how often do I get such attention?
Jerry, enough of this foolishness. Now, who's our first guest?
Well Dean, we were supposed to have that wrestling chap, beautiful Ben, for a return visit, but he couldn't make it.
Oh well, what do we do?
Well I'm not Ben, but I can be beautiful.
Alrighty ladies and gentlemen, we have as our guest tonight one of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
A big giant of a man, considered to be one of the most attractive wrestlers since Gorgeous George.
And here he is now, Beautiful Ben.
How are you, beautiful?
I'm lovely.
I'm lovely, I'm engaged, I use the radio.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings beautiful, but I hear that some folks think you're not as attractive as Gorgeous George.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my whole life.
Listen, this morning I woke up, I looked in the mirror, I said, mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
And the mirror said to me, you, beautiful.
There's no fooling with that mirror, buddy.
Well, I see what the mirror means, you do have nice features, you do, you do.
Nice features.
That happen to be exquisite.
I'm beautiful.
Careful with the mirror, buddy.
Tell me Ben, what was your toughest match?
It was at Buffalo, the spring of 29.
I was wrestling a young fella named Ted Ton Timothy.
By the way, you know what they called him for short?
Ted Ton Tim?
Oh, you were there?
No.
Well, anyhow, Tim won the first two falls, see.
What? What did he want?
Tim won the first two falls.
Oh, that's it, good boy.
I was just a little groggy, see.
Boy, he had me a headlock, then got me in a flying budge and threw me to the bat.
How did you get out of it?
That's a pretty good question.
All of a sudden I picked up two times Tim and swirled him in the air and slammed him to that bat.
I see, you got your second win.
No, I got the signal, the match was fixed.
Oh, you can't mean that some matches aren't on the up enough.
Oh, boy, you're a young one, aren't you?
You know, Ben, with all the grueling business you go through in the ring, it's a wonder you manage to keep your senses.
Tough to believe I could be so intelligent.
Well, beautiful Ben, our time is up.
Mmm, boy, it is up.
It sure, it sure has been nice seeing you.
Sure, it's always nice to see me. I'm lovely to look at. Nobody fools with that mirror, boy.
I don't think so.
Well, while Jerry wrestles with the mirror, let's turn over the business at hand to Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean. And now here's something of interest to everybody.
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You know, when a man has to sing three songs every week, the selection of songs can get to be quite a problem.
The other night, I must have talked over a hundred tunes when my recording manager, Mac Gray, suddenly hit us with a little ditty that's climbing pretty high on our popularity polls.
This may not mean a bonus to Mr. Gray, but I'm hoping you'll all enjoy Anytime.
Anytime, you're feeling lonely. Anytime, you're feeling blue. Anytime, you feel downhearted.
That'll prove your love for me is true.
Any old time, you're thinking about me. That's the time I'm thinking about you.
So anytime you say you want me back again, that's the time I come back home to you.
That's the time I'll be thinking of you. So anytime you say you want me back again, that's the time I come back home to you.
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for our guest spotlight to focus on one of the most glamorous figures in the Hollywood scene.
You've enjoyed her fine performances in many wonderful pictures and I'm sure she's a favorite of yours as well as ours.
So here she is, the very beautiful, very talented Anne Sheridan.
Hello, everyone. Hi, Dean.
Well, Anne, it's really a thrill to have you on the show tonight.
Well, it's a pleasure to be here, Dean. Say, you know, I've heard a lot about your partner Jerry and I'm sort of anxious to meet him. Tell me.
Yes?
When does he shed his cocoon?
Oh, Anne, don't tell me you believe all...
Hey, Dean, Dean, did you see where...
Good heavens, who's he?
Who's he? Jerry, you know that isn't correct.
Oh, I'm sorry. Who's him?
I put on my prettiest dress, had my hair done, got my makeup on just right and this monkey on a stick calls me a he.
I was only fooling. I knew you was a girl. I could tell by the way you walk.
How?
More bounce to the album.
Ah, come on, Jerry. I don't know what to do, Anne. Every so often Jerry just gets on the wrong track.
Don't do anything, Dean. Maybe a train will come along.
Hey, how come you insult me like this and you're so nice to him? What's Dean got that I ain't got?
Well, he has a heart.
I have a heart.
He has two arms.
I have two arms.
And he has a beautiful physique.
I have two arms.
Jerry, that'll teach you to compare yourself with me.
Listen here, listen here.
Where, where?
Listen here, Dean Martin. Don't you lord it over me or I'll tell her that you have three gold wristwatches.
Go ahead. Lots of people have three gold wristwatches.
In Huck?
Now you just wait a second, Jerry. You haven't even been introduced to our guest.
Now before we go any farther, say hello to Anne Sheridan.
Go on. Not Anne Sheridan, the movie star.
Well, I have made a few pictures, Jerry.
Say, I bet you know all them other celebrities.
I guess I know a few.
Tell me, is Walter Pigeon really a large bird?
When they film The Life of Harry Truman, will William Bendix play the part?
Oh, why don't you stop it, Jerry. You know very well that William Bendix can't play the piano.
Oh, then he is going to play the part.
Ah, shut up.
Hey, say, why don't you fellas take your problems to one of those courts of human relations?
Remember John J. Anthony? He could straighten you out a bit.
Well, now there's a coincidence, Anne.
We were planning to do one of those mediation scenes right here.
Are you interested in human relations, Jerry?
I don't know. I never had any.
Well, supposing we take care of that right now.
Let's hear it, because court is now in session.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to John J. Martin's Court of Severed Relations.
In a few moments, you will hear real-life people present their real-life problems in their own real-life words.
And now, here is our real-life mediator, Mr. John J. Martin.
Good evening, friends. Before we hear our first case, I should like to give you our thought for the day.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you become a great singing sensation.
And now, James, our first case. Mr. Martin, this is Mrs. Lydia Fink.
Well, how are you, Mrs. Fink?
With a name like Fink, how would you be?
Ah, this gentleman must be your husband, Max. Tell me, sir, does the name Max Fink upset you?
Upset me? It makes me nauseous.
Why don't you change your name?
I already changed it once.
How was it before?
Sydney Fink.
Tell me, Mrs. F. Tell me, Mrs. F., why are you here? What seems to be your problem?
Well, I hate loath and detest my husband. I'd like to choke the life out of him, pull out his hair, gouge out his eyes,
and cut him to pieces and throw him to the rattlesnakes.
Isn't he adorable?
What is it, Mrs. Fink? Why do you hate your husband so?
Well, for one thing, he's always making me take needle showers.
Yeah, that's not bad. I take needle showers myself.
With real needles?
Oh. Well, Mrs. Fink, you certainly have your hands full.
Oh, that's not the half of it. He's also a chain smoker.
Chain smoker? What's wrong with that?
I get tired of tripping over them hot chains all day.
Mr. Martin, I've had all I'm going to take from this here man.
He's nothing but a no-good, lazy, miserable, two-timer.
Oh, shut up! I'm fed up with you two, understand? Fed up!
Mr. Fink. Mr. Fink! I want you to hold your tongue.
I will not.
Why not?
My fingers get wet.
Oh, Matt. Why must we fight like this? We used to be so happy.
Remember that I wore my new white pumps, the organ did dress, and I wore my hair in a bun.
So what? I didn't like your hair in a bun.
Why?
It lost up my hamburger.
Mr. and Mrs. Fink, I've listened carefully to both sides of the problem,
and it is my opinion that you should reconcile. Try again.
Well, I'm willing to try again on one condition.
For years now, a little old lady has been living with us.
She meddles in my cooking, criticizes my cleaning, and tags along with us wherever we go.
I can't stand it any longer.
Please tell my husband that I'm tired of sharing a house with his mother.
My mother? I thought she was your mother.
Tell me, whom does this little old lady resemble?
Well, it's kind of hard to say.
She's five feet two, has a mole on her left cheek, parts her hair in the middle.
Did you say she has a mole on her left cheek?
Well, yes.
Oh, good heavens, that's my mother!
As Ann, Jerry, and I retire from the judges' chambers,
we hand over the gavel to a real judge of the right things to do.
Jimmy Wallington.
Thank you, Dean.
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Years ago, before singing songs and battling with Jerry was my source of bread and butter,
I spent a dozen rugged months working in the steel mills of my hometown, Steubenville, Ohio.
On that job, the only thing I looked forward to was the sound of the old lunch whistle
when I could chase to the corner cafe, eat up a minor storm, and toss a mess of nickels into the jukebox.
One day, a brand new record came in that really hit my fancy.
In fact, after throwing in two dollars worth of nickels, I found myself returning to the mill one hour late.
It was that afternoon that the mill and I parted company.
Looking back at it now, I realize how much luck that song really brought me.
Because one week later, I made up a mind to start singing professionally.
So, in memory of that fateful day, let's try a bit of...
Never in a million
Could you ever be surpassed
And darling, in a million June
This love of ours will last
There would be no world for me
If ever we would part
Where I go, your name will be
Right on the tip of my heart
For only once in every lifetime
Someone just like you will appear
Is there any greater glory, any greater thrill
No, never in a million years
Only once in every lifetime
Someone just like you will appear
Is there any greater glory, any greater thrill
No, never in a million years
Thank you.
Well, I certainly did, Dean. But to make my pleasure more complete,
what I'd love to do one of those three-part songs you always do so well, huh?
Oh, you mean around?
Well, around, yes.
Well, okay, supposing we try Three Blind Mice. I'll start, then Anne, then Jerry. Okay?
Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all run after the party, but I've got to say
See how they run, oh, see how they run
Was I going too fast for you?
Anne, it was wonderful of you to drop over and see us.
Yeah, and thanks a lot, Anne. Good night. Night, everybody.
Good night, Anne.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that wraps up another session,
and it also marks the end of our current series.
That's right, Dean. Folks, this is our last show for this season,
and we'd like to take this opportunity to thank our wonderful sponsors, NBC,
the entire production staff, and everyone who worked so hard to help us entertain our listeners.
Yes, and we'd like to give some special thanks to those same wonderful listeners.
Right again, Dean, and folks, as a result of your very generous response,
we have some news that makes us very, very proud and happy.
Chesterfield Cigarettes have just told us that they want us back on radio next year,
and they will be our sole sponsors.
Applause
Hey, Dean, we're sure going to be happy to work for Chesterfield Cigarettes, right?
You said it, Jerry. Let's tell all the people why we'd like to work for Chesterfield.
All righty. A. Always milder. B. Better tasting. C. Cash.
Laughter
We were just kidding, though, folks. We really are very, very proud
that we've been chosen to work for Chesterfield's next season. They're wonderful.
You said it, Jerry. Now, folks, until we can get together again next fall, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminded you not to forget the Muscular Dystrophy Association this summer.
The fight to find a cure for this dread disease is an all-year battle.
Your response thus far has been wonderful. Please don't let us down.
Keep sending those contributions to MDA New York 8 New York.
And remember, our new picture, Sailor Beware, can now be seen at your local theaters.
We hope you'll go see it. So until next fall, stay well, have a wonderful summer.
God bless you all. Good night.
Good night, everybody.
Applause
Ladies and gentlemen, from Hollywood you've just heard transcribed to Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis show.
Written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear. Producer and directed by Dick Mack.
With music under the direction of Dick Stabiel.
And brought to you by Dentine, the gum with breathtaking flavor.
By Bemis Pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion, too.
By Chesterfield, the only cigarette that names all its ingredients.
Sound off for Chesterfield, the cigarette that's much milder, with an extraordinarily good taste.
And from the report of a well-known research organization, Chesterfield's leave no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by Aniston, for pain of headache, ureitis and urialtis.
And Sheridan is starring with John London Howard Duff in Steel Town, a Universal International picture.
Applause
The preceding was transcribed.
This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.