Hey, Jared! You got a cigarette? Have I got a cigarette? Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield? I mean Chesterfield. I'm with you. Which means that Chesterfield,
the first cigarette in America to give you premium quality in both regular and king size,
brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Howdy folks, a big hello, you all are welcome to our show. You need no ticket, but when we're through, here's what we want you to do. Sound off for Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield, try a pack of Chesterfields. Do it today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Well, hi folks, thank you. Now, let's all settle back and light up a Chesterfield, because here comes the first show in our current tour of the Killisackles.
And the nearest partner will be around shortly to commit his own special brand of mayhem later on.
So while we're waiting for bullet heads, supposing we kick off the festivities with a little Harmony Grit. So let's go, Dick Chesterfield.
Oh, give me some Harmony Grits And some red sugar cured ham Give me a great big bowl of gravy I'd be such a happy man
If I could see Magnolia's And the azaleas in bloom Well, let me up to the table And give me lots of alboran Then pass me that man that fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas
Give me a hay rack full of biscuits Well, make my coffee black if you please If you feed me all that dicks in the Star-Soul Grand You'll have yourself a happy man
Look on my lazies You'll have yourself a happy man
Now, give me some of them Harmony Grits Boy Well, shut my mouth and a great big slap Of that red sugar cured ham And about a half a gallon of this good old thickening gravy
And brother, you're gonna find yourself a mighty happy man Well, it seems when you eat stuff like that you can see the Magnolias And them honey circles you know when they're in bloom
Ah, set me down, set me down to that table, boy, scoot on over And give me lots of alboran Then pass me that man that fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas
Give me a hay rack full of biscuits Well, make my coffee black if you please Well, if you feed me all that dicks in the Star-Soul Grand You'll have yourself a happy man
For them lazies You'll have yourself a happy man Set me down, set me down
Well, what are you so excited about, Jer? Hey, Dean, it's Marilyn Monroe, it's Marilyn Monroe! Right easy, Jer, take it easy. Marilyn Monroe has nothing to do with this show.
So what? She has nothing to do with the month of September either, but that don't mean I should throw away my calendar.
I'll tell you what, Jer, if you're a good boy I'll see that you get to meet her one of these days.
Nah, it wouldn't do any good, she doesn't even know I'm alive.
Who does?
Oh yeah? Well, Dean, you've insulted me. And after all the promises you made about how you were gonna treat me with dignity and respect this year, and now you're starting right off with all those nasty remarks, my little heart is breaking. I come out here like a little elf and right away you start picking on me.
No, Jer, Jer, no, Jer, no, no, Jer, don't cry, Jer. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, Jer, you know that. Come on, stop crying, that's better. I promise I'll never be nasty to you again.
I changed my mind, you can be nasty sometimes.
But why? What made you change your mind?
I like it when we make up.
Jer?
You know, since this is the start of a new season it might be a good idea for you to meet some of the people on the show. First of all, there's our announcer, George Fenneman.
Feminine? The announcer is a girl.
Who said the announcer is a girl?
You did, you said the announcer was feminine.
I didn't say feminine, I said Fenneman. Fenneman is not the same as feminine. A girl is feminine, but Fenneman is not a girl.
Are you feeling alright, boobie?
Maybe I better introduce you two and you can see for yourself.
George?
Yes, sir.
George, I'd like you to meet Jerry Lewis. Jerry, this is our announcer. Hiya, baby.
Excuse me, Dean, but I don't get this conversation. What is this all about?
Oh, nothing important, George. Jerry got mixed up between Fenneman and feminine and up to now he thought you were a girl.
Well, I guess anybody can make a mistake. Up to now I thought he was human.
That was pretty good, George. You're supposed to be the announcer and it's going right away.
You say funnies and you get laughs. Yes, sirry, Bob. This is going to be a real happy Jim Dandy association.
You're alrighty in my book, George. Dean, we couldn't get Harry Bonzell.
I don't mind him. Now you cheer up, George. George, you'll get used to Jerry in time.
Hey, Fenneman, what are you supposed to do around here anyhow?
Well, Jerry, I'm here to extol the many virtues of Chesterfield cigarettes. You smoke Chesterfields, don't you, Jerry?
Oh, sure. I'm a Chesterfield smoker from way back. In fact, I used to be a chain smoker, but I stopped.
Well, how come? I choked on a link.
Oh, I don't even know why I bothered to listen to your nonsense.
Simple. I listened to your song.
Jerry, let's change the subject. What did you do all summer?
Oh, I had a great time. I went scout shooting.
No, you went skeet shooting. Skeets, skeets, those little round discs.
No, scouts, those little round boys.
Jerry, don't tell me you were shooting boy scouts.
Sure, but it was self-defense. I caught them trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's wrong with that?
The sticks were my legs.
Say, would you like to hear what I did this summer?
If I say no, the whole body bleeds.
Jerry, I fulfilled a lifelong ambition. I did something I never believed possible.
You bought a Perry Como record.
No, I visited my hometown of Steubenville, Ohio, and while I was there, I got the greatest thrill of my life.
There in front of the house where I was born was a little plaque that said, Dean Martin was born here.
Big deal. I visited Newark, New Jersey, where I was born and got the same deal.
Only instead of a tiny little plaque, you should see the huge sign they put up.
What did it say?
No dumping allowed.
Oh.
Chesterfield is the first and only cigarette to tell you what it's made of.
Yes, Chesterfield names all its ingredients, so you'll know what gives you the best possible smoke.
The world's best tobaccos, pretested by laboratory instruments for the most desirable smoking qualities,
pure, costly moistening agents, costly glycerol and pure sugars, which are natural to tobacco,
and cigarette paper of the highest purity, the best that money can buy.
That's what's in your Chesterfield, ingredients that give you the best possible smoke.
Much milder, with an extraordinarily good taste, and as confirmed by a well-known research organization,
no unpleasant aftertaste.
So sound off for Chesterfield. Either way you like them, regular or king size,
Chesterfield gives you the best possible smoke.
For our first guest of the new season, Jerry and I really wanted to invite someone special.
Well, sir, who could be more special than one of the country's newest and most exciting stars?
She's got a million dollar voice, million dollar personality, and a million dollar future.
So here she is, the very richly talented Rosemary Clooney.
Thank you folks, and hi Dean.
Well, Rosemary, it's a real pleasure to have you with us tonight.
I've been looking forward to it, Dean.
Hey Dean, Dean, have you seen my...
Good heavens, it's a female of the opposite sex.
Jerry, this is Rosemary.
I thought so, it's my old kindergarten chum, Rosemary Fosnock.
Jerry, I'm not...
Hey Rosie, remember the time I dropped my knife on your foot and we spent two hours looking for your big toe?
Look, I hate to spoil your fun, Jerry, but it just so happens that I am not Rosemary Fosnock.
You can't fool me, Rosie. I know a Fosnock when I see one.
Jerry, the girl tells you you're wrong, and yet you insist she's Rosemary Fosnock.
Don't take my word for it, counter-toes.
Tell me, Dean, was this kid born or trapped?
Oh, don't take him too seriously, Rosemary. Basically, Jerry has a very good heart.
Prove it to me, take it out.
See, Jerry? You see, Jerry?
Rosemary's name is not Fosnock, it's Clooney.
Clooney? Sounds like an Irish railroad car.
Jerry, this is Rosemary Clooney, the singer.
So, that's who it is.
Look, Jerry, I must have sang Come On To My House 40,000 times, and you were the only person who actually came over.
Can I help it if I like pomegranate?
Jerry, with a beautiful, luscious young girl like Rosemary Clooney, don't tell me you weren't looking for pomegranates.
No, I was just kidding. With a gorgeous dish like Rosemary, with those ruby red lips, with that face and that figure.
And you thought I was interested in pomegranates.
Were you?
It was the figs and pears.
Don't you pay any attention to him, Rosemary. I think I understood Come On To My House, and it was a great song.
Thank you, Dean. You seem to know quite a bit about music.
Well, I majored in music at college.
College?
In grammar school, they couldn't pass manual training.
Yes, Rosemary, music is my life.
And manual training was the dumbest kid in school.
Jerry, you're behaving like a jealous child.
Me jealous? That's ridiculous. Ha ha. Why, I know more about music than he'll ever know. He never wrote a song in his life.
Oh, Jerry, don't stand there and tell us that you ever wrote a song.
Are you kidding? You never heard the song I wrote about the cowgirl who died?
What's the name of it?
It's called, But My Dirty Girty I Ain't Gonna Cry, Cause I'll Be Seeing Your Dirty Girty At That Washroom In The Stock.
Jerry!
Oh, that's nothing, Dean. You should hear my latest hit, Past The Stern, Oh Baby, And I'll Give You A Kiss Of Fire.
Jerry, now what's wrong with that?
That one I'll have you know was recorded by Artie Shaw in his old wife orchestra.
You know, Dean, I don't know what this kid has, but I hope it isn't catching.
Oh, don't worry about that, Rosemary. Don't you worry about that at all.
Look, since we've been talking about songs, this might be a real good time for you to come up with one of your own.
Okay. If Dick Stabille will oblige with a botchemy beat, I'll botchemy very best.
Well, good enough, folks, with the aid of Richard Stabille and his Italian Swiss colony, Blue Blowers.
Rosemary Clooney sings, Botchemy.
Botchemy, I botchemy you, and everything goes crazy.
Bah, bah, botchemy, my baby, bah, bah, bah, bah, just say yes and maybe for you.
Kiss me and I'm gonna kiss you, and lalalalalalalu.
Bah, bah, botchemy, bambino, bah, bah, bo, bo bo, boca picolino.
If you squeeze me and I'm gonna squeeze you, olalalalalalalu.
Bee, oo, bye, oh, bee, oo, boo, when you botchemy, botchemy, bee, oo, bye, oh, bee, oo, boo,
when you botchemy, I botchemy you, and everything goes crazy.
Ba, ba, ba-cha me, my baby, ba-ba-bo, bo, just say yes and maybe and then we will raise a great big family.
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-lee.
Ba-cha me, I ba-cha you and everything goes crazy.
Ba, ba, ba-cha me, my baby, ba-ba-bo, bo, just say yes and maybe and then we will raise a great big family.
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-lee.
Be-oo-bye-oo, be-oo-boo, won't you ba-cha, ba-cha me, kiss me.
Be-oo-bye-oo, be-oo-boo, won't you ba-cha me, I ba-cha you, come on, you kiss me.
Ba, ba, ba-cha me, my baby, ba-ba-bo, bo, just say yes and maybe and then we will raise a great big family.
Be-oo-bye-oo, be-oo-boo, tra-la-la-la-la-la-lee.
Ba-cha me, my baby, ba-cha me.
That's nice.
Ah, a real wonderful job, Rosemary, a real wonderful.
And now, let's all get into grease paint for our next super production as George Fannerman sets the scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure that most of you have seen that fabulous motion picture, The Greatest Show on Earth.
However, for those of you who may have failed to see it, our thoughtful stars have prepared their own version of this stirring drama about life under the big top.
Chesterfield Cigarettes are proud to present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and Rosemary Clooney in...
The Greatest Shmo on Earth.
We are all thrilled at the high-pitched excitement of the circus with its color and glamour, its thrills and chills.
But what of the people that make up the circus? How do they live? What do they think?
For instance, what does the lion tamer think as he faces those fierce and hungry beasts?
Oh, I'm so thrilled.
What does the colorful bearback rider think as she rides around the ring on her beautiful white horse?
Oh, I'm so excited.
What does the courageous acrobat think as he performs his death-defying feats high above the heads of the crowd?
Oh, I'm so nauseous.
Yes, let us visit the circus and learn the true story.
As our scene opens, we find the manager of the circus, John Ringling South.
He is talking to Henny, the beautiful bearback queen.
Henny, we're in trouble. We've just lost our biggest attraction.
You don't mean the Great Bird Wheel.
I do mean the Great Bird Wheel.
Oh, John, we've lost the only man in the world who could dive 2,000 feet into a wet noodle.
What did he die of?
He died of adenoids.
Adenoids?
That's not the half of it. They weren't even his.
Oh, that's terrible. What will you do? How can we open tonight?
Excuse me, I understand you are looking for a new death-defying attraction.
Yes, but how did you know?
I was standing right outside following the script.
Maybe he's got something, John.
Tell me, kid, have you ever been in a circus before?
Sure, I was with the circus all last year.
What did you do?
I was a midget.
But you're six feet tall. How could you be a midget?
I lied about my height.
So you know a lot about circus, huh?
Oh, sure. My family were all circus people. In fact, my mother was a bearded lady.
She was?
I'll never forget that first time I saw my mother with a beard.
I looked at her tenderly and said, Gee, Mom, you're dad.
I'm not a dad.
Look, kid, the circus is a hard, tough life. You look too frail. I don't think you'll like it.
Oh, yes, I will. I loved it the last time.
Why, every morning I used to get up at the crack of dawn and leap to the task.
First I'd walk into the lion's cage, then the zebra's cage, then the tiger's cage.
And when I was all through, I'd look back at a job well done, take a deep breath and say,
Uh, uh, uh.
Kid, listen to me, kid, listen to me.
I've decided to give you the chance of a lifetime. You're going to be the star of the show.
Will you do it?
Anything. I'll do anything. Just tell me, what do I have to do?
Dive 2,000 feet into a wet noodle.
Oh, boy, that's a... into a wet noodle?
Come on, this is no time to go soft. It's your big chance.
But I...
They're waiting for you under the big top. Just tell them you're the new great bird wheel.
Go on, Herbie.
Well, there he goes.
He's climbing up the ladder. He's climbing higher, higher. He's way up there.
He's facing himself. He's getting ready to jump. And there he goes.
Oh, poor Herbie. Look at him. He broke two legs, one arm, four ribs, and the whole head is cracked.
Speak, Herbie. Say something.
Right now, which one of you moved the noodle?
You king-size smokers will want to hear what the nation's press has had to say about king-size Chesterfields.
New York Herald Tribune. King-size Chesterfield is a sellout.
The supplies of Chesterfields rushed to dealers here.
And Time Magazine, in its own inimitable style, said,
The big Chesty, without making any visible dent in the sales of the shorter brother,
quickly raised king-size sales. Dealers could scarcely keep up with the demand.
Yes, those are actual quotes from news publications.
And from all over the country, we're getting reports from dealers telling us no product they ever handled
has grown so fast in so short a time as king-size Chesterfields.
That's because Chesterfield is first to give you premium quality in both regular and king-size.
King-size Chesterfield is exactly the same as regular Chesterfield, except it's larger.
Contains so much more of the same tobacco, it gives you a 21 percent longer smoke.
It costs very little more.
And the tobacco in king-size Chesterfield is a better quality and higher price
than the tobacco in any other king-size cigarette.
Sound off for Chesterfield. Either way you like them, regular or king-size,
Chesterfield gives you the best possible smoke.
Well, the funny thing about songs, ladies and gentlemen, you sing a number while it remains popular
and when it falls out of favor, it goes right into the limbo of forgotten melodies.
But the guy who sings it never really forgets it, which brings us around to a song
that I pulled out of the file the other day and found just as good as new.
Once in a while will you try to give one little thought to me
Though someone else may be nearer than your heart
Once in a while will you dream of the moments I shared with you
Moments before we too burst upon
In a warm, smoldering ember
One spark may remain if love still can remember
That spark, may burn again
I know that I take a tender with yesterday's memories
Knowing you'd think of me once in a while
I know that I take a tender with yesterday's memories
Knowing you'd think of me once in a while
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Well, boys, how does it feel to be at the end of your first radio show of the season?
Rosemary, radio is always fun when we have nice people to work with
and we could have made a better choice for our first show.
Yeah, well, I wish this was a television show.
Why?
So everyone could see how adorable you are.
Why, Jerry, this is a side of you I've never seen.
That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
How can I thank you? What can I do?
Hey, Dean, is the next line crossed out in your script, too?
Yeah.
Rosemary, you've been a wonderful guest, and thanks for joining us.
That goes double for me, Rosemary,
and we'll see you on our television show September the 21st.
Thank you, Dean and Jerry. Good night, everybody.
Good night. Good night, Rosie.
This about winds up our first session under the Chesterfield banner,
and we hope you'll be with us next week, folks,
and we also hope you'll give our cigarettes a try.
You'll be doing us a personal favor because Chesterfield makes it possible
for us to bring you these shows.
More important than that, Jerry, you folks will be doing yourselves a favor
because either way you like them, regular or king-size,
Chesterfield gives you the best possible smoke.
And I want to tell you all this.
We wouldn't be selling Chesterfield's, Dean and I, unless we smoked them ourselves.
Try them today.
Well, until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And Jerry Lewis reminding you that our latest picture, Jumping Jacks,
is now playing at your local theaters. We hope you'll go see it.
Good night. Good night, everybody.
applause
From Hollywood, you'll just now transcribe the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show
written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced when directed by Dick Mack,
with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabea.
This is George Fenn of inviting all of you to join us next week at the same time
when all of us again sound off for Chesterfield.
applause
music