Jerry!
Hey, Jerry!
You got a cigarette?
Have I got a cigarette?
Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield?
I mean Chesterfield.
I'm with you.
Which means that Chesterfield, the first cigarette in America
to give you premium quality in both
regular and king size,
brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Louis
of the New York Times.
And the first cigarette in America
brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Louis show.
Applause
Music
Listen friends, get red, get white
by Chesterfield, regular or king size
Either way the best of smokes
Best possible smoke for all you folks
Sound off for Chesterfield
Try a pack of Chesterfield
today
Music
And now ladies and gentlemen
it's my pleasure to bring you our
master of ceremonies, Dean Martin!
Applause
Now the cruise is rolled around, which means another
thirty minutes of fun and frivolity with the
old Chesterfield crew. I see our
producer in the booth giving me that let's go
single, so if our maestro Dixie Bill
will give me the downbeat, I'd like to start things
off with Pretty Baby
Music
Everybody loves a baby
that's why I'm in love with you
Pretty Baby
And I'd like to be
your sister, brother, dad
and mother too
Pretty Baby
Won't you come and let me rock
you in my cradle of love
We'll cuddle
all the time
Oh I want
a loving baby
and it might as well be you
Pretty Baby
is mine
Music
Pretty Baby
Oh Baby
Music
Pretty Baby
Won't you come and let me rock
you in my cradle of love
We'll cuddle
all the time
Oh I want
a loving baby
and it might as well be you
Pretty Baby
is mine
Oh Dear
Pretty Baby
is mine
Music
Nobody can do it
Audiencedefense
Applause
flowers
Well what's up Gerry, what's all the excitement?
Guys Dean, I can't find it
Have you seen my tongue?
Your tongue?
But Gerry, you have your tongue
It's that long curved thing that wabbles around in your mouth
You sure thats my tongue?
Well of course
Good heavens, somebody stole my shoo horn
Laughter
You're an idiot. You know that, you're an idiot.
Why don't you settle down and get yourself a hobby?
Something to do in your spare time, huh?
Oh, I got something to do, Dean.
I just took a special job with NBC.
I'm in charge of selling all the radio shows.
You can be my first customer, too.
You want to buy a daytime serial program?
Look, I'm glad you have a job,
but I don't want to buy a daytime serial program.
Oh, but this is one... Oh, boy, what a corker it is.
It's called The Third Mrs. Burton.
It's the story of a small, barefooted boy
who grew up to be a large, barefooted boy.
No, Jerry, I don't think I...
It's the story that asks the question,
can a girl who was married to a gopher be happy with a mole?
LAUGHTER
Jerry, once and for all,
I'm not interested in buying a soap opera.
Then maybe I can sell you a giveaway show.
I got one giveaway program
that's especially written for unemployed people.
It's called The Big Layoff.
LAUGHTER
No, Jerry, I don't...
And not about a dramatic show.
This one's all about a girl who is 24 feet tall
and weighs 6,000 pounds.
What's it called?
Big sister. Big sister.
LAUGHTER
Well, that figures.
LAUGHTER
Now that you've got that one off your chest,
let's drop it, huh?
I don't want to buy a radio program.
Besides, I don't have enough money.
You don't?
I can't even support my wife and five lawyers.
LAUGHTER
That's all the more reason why you want to invest in something good.
Look, we have a wonderful music group here at NBC,
and you can have them real cheap.
Really? Well, what's the combination?
Well, they've got three washboards, first, second and alto.
LAUGHTER
Then there's an old man with asthma in the key of C sharp.
LAUGHTER
And they have a wonderful new instrument that gives them the beat.
What's that?
A stopped-up sink.
LAUGHTER
You know, I think I'm getting just a little tired of Jerry Lewis.
All right, suppose I become Florence Dank.
LAUGHTER
And who is Florence Dank?
Only the greatest channel swimmer the world has ever known.
All righty, ladies and gentlemen, for our first guest,
it becomes my pleasure to introduce the world's greatest lady swimmer,
a girl who has swum across every channel known to man,
Miss Florence Dank.
Miss Dank, they told me what a great swimmer you are,
but frankly, I had no idea you were so attractive.
Oh, I'm not really so attractive, Mr Martin.
Of course, I do have a stunning figure.
LAUGHTER
My nose is adorable, my lips are luscious, my eyes are dreamy,
and my complexion is simply divine.
But good heavens, I wouldn't say I'm attractive.
LAUGHTER
What are you, then?
I'm gorgeous.
LAUGHTER
Well, it's no wonder. You must take very good care of yourself.
Oh, certainly. What other woman gets a grease job every thousand miles?
LAUGHTER
Getting back to your appearance,
would you say that being a channel swimmer has helped improve the way you look?
No question about it, Mr Martin. Take my hair.
It used to look like dry, shredded wheat.
Now, can you believe a thing like that?
LAUGHTER
But after ten years of swimming every day, you know what it looks like?
What?
Wet, shredded wheat.
LAUGHTER
Hey, that sounds like quite a problem for your hairdresser.
Oh, it certainly is, Mr Martin. After my last channel swim.
Now, just listen to this. I am, I'm listening.
LAUGHTER
I went to my hairdresser for a shampoo,
and you'll never guess what she found in my hair.
An old Barbie pin. No, an old flounder.
LAUGHTER
Did you take it home to dinner?
No, I wasn't hungry, so I took it to a movie instead.
LAUGHTER
What picture did you see?
The new Rita Hayworth picture.
Now, there's my idea of a beautiful woman.
Oh, she's all right, but I have that Lanolin plus look.
LAUGHTER
Lanolin plus what?
Chicken fat.
LAUGHTER
Mrs. Dane, we've heard that you owe much of your success to your mother,
who has always stood by you. Is this true? Do you owe your...
Success, success to your mother, mother?
No, no.
LAUGHTER
Well, my mother did help me a lot, honestly,
but mostly I owe everything to my lungs.
You can have the best mother in the world,
but don't ever try swimming without a lung.
LAUGHTER
I understand that, but did you ever have any trouble breathing
while you were swimming?
Only once. I was swimming the channel,
and all of a sudden, something went wrong with my breathing.
What happened?
A sardine swam up my nostril.
LAUGHTER
What a shame.
I don't know what it was. For three days, I sneezed olive oil.
LAUGHTER
Mrs. Dane, let's hear a little about your personal life.
Have you ever been married?
Three times, actually.
My first husband was a lumberjack.
He got killed by a falling tree.
That's too bad.
My second husband was killed by a falling tree, too.
For heaven's sake.
But my third husband died in his sleep.
What happened?
A tree fell on him.
LAUGHTER
Our time is drawing short, Mrs. Dane,
but one last question before we go.
I'm sure the people listening in would like to hear
of your most exciting experience in the water.
Well, I guess my most exciting experience
is the first time I was swimming the Panama Canal
and I got caught in a lox.
LAUGHTER
You were caught in a lox without an escape?
Worse. I was caught in a lox without a bagel.
LAUGHTER
Nose, throat and accessory organs
not adversely affected by smoking Chesterfields.
First such report ever published about any cigarette.
And it applies only to Chesterfield.
A responsible consulting organisation has reported
the results of a continuing study by a competent medical specialist
and his staff on the effects of smoking Chesterfield cigarettes.
A group of people from various walks of life was organised
to smoke only Chesterfields.
For six months, this group of men and women
smoked their normal amount of Chesterfields,
10 to 40 a day.
45% of the group of smoked Chesterfields continually
from one to 30 years,
for an average of 10 years each.
At the beginning and at the end of the six months period,
each smoker was given a thorough examination,
including X-ray pictures by the medical specialist
and his assistants.
The examination covered the sinuses
as well as the nose, ears and throat.
The medical specialist, after a thorough examination
of every member of the group, stated,
It is my opinion that the ears, nose, throat
and accessory organs of all participating subjects
examined by me were not adversely affected
in the six months period by smoking the cigarettes provided.
Remember this Chesterfield report.
It's the first such report ever published by any cigarette.
Nose, throat and accessory organs
not adversely affected by smoking Chesterfields.
Buy Chesterfield.
Either way you like them, regular or king size,
Chesterfield gives you the best possible smoke.
Well, a number of years ago there was a play on Broadway
that became a tremendous hit.
It was called Having a Wonderful Time.
Well, a few months ago a number of bright talents
got together and made a musical comedy out of this play.
They changed the title, wrote a sensational score,
and now I wish you were here as playing to standees.
And in case you can't guess why I'm saying all this,
I might as well tell you that I am going to take a crack
at the title song.
So, Ricardo?
Well, they're not making the skies as blue this year,
and the mornings don't seem as new,
brand new as they did with you.
I wish you were here, wish you were here, wish you were here.
Someone's painting the leaves all wrong this year,
I wish you were here.
And why did the birds change their song this year?
I wish you were here.
They're not shining the stars as bright,
they've stolen the joy from the night.
I wish you were here, wish you were here, wish you were here.
They're not shining the stars as bright,
they've stolen the joy from the night.
I wish you were here, wish you were here, wish you were here.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is a man
who crashed into pictures a few years ago,
and almost overnight found himself high in the ranks
of our most popular stars.
Jerry and I hope to bring you a big guest every week,
but we don't know anyone bigger than that six feet four inches
of rugged manhood, Jeff Chandler.
Here he is.
Thank you folks, and hi Dean.
Jeff, it's a pleasure to have you with us tonight.
Well thank you Dean. Say, where's that partner of yours?
You know, he wants to spend a whole day knocking at my front door.
Jerry spent a whole day knocking at your front door? How come?
Well, we decided to sell our house last month,
so we put a sign up on the front lawn.
It said, Mr. Jeff Chandler, anxious to sell.
Mrs. Chandler will show by appointment only.
But what made Jerry spend a day knocking at your front door?
Well, he thought the sign read, Mr. Jeff Chandler,
anxious to sell, Mrs. Chandler will show by appointment only.
So Jerry wanted to buy your wife, huh?
You beat that, I was mad enough to shoot him.
You were?
Well sure, his check bounced.
Oh it did, huh?
Well no wonder you never opened that door.
Hey Dean, Dean have you seen...
Good heavens, there's a strange bird in our little nest.
You look awfully familiar, buddy.
Haven't I seen the outside of your house?
I sure have, Jerry. Say hello to Mr. Chandler.
Chandler? You got a happy Chandler who used to be the baseball's art?
No Jerry, I...
Hey did Joe DiMaggio ever get the first baseball medal in Monroe?
Jerry, Jerry, happy Chandler is someone else.
My name is Chandler too, but I'm not happy.
How do you like that? Six feet, four inches tall,
a tremendous physique, a handsome face, he's not happy.
I should be so miserable.
I'm sorry Jeff, I just don't know what to do with this boy.
Look Jerry, I...
What, what, what, what?
Jerry, I want you to be nice to our guest.
Now be a little gentleman and exchange greetings with Mr. Chandler.
Alrighty.
Mr. Chandler, my partner says I should come up to you and we should exchange greetings.
So?
So I'll trade you two happy new years for a Merry Christmas.
Wait, wait, wait Dean, let me handle this.
Jerry, I'm Jeff Chandler, the actor.
How do you do?
I am Jerry Lewis, the enchanting.
Well, I've been around a lot of strange people, but Jerry you sure talk in circles.
Can I help it? I got a round mouth.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you old hound jinger.
That's amazing Jerry, how do you do it?
Do what?
How do you fit a round mouth into such a square head?
Excuse me fellas, but I don't like the, well you two are working together here.
Yeah, we do pretty good together.
Maybe we ought to team up, huh Jeff?
I can just see the billing.
That sensational new comedy team, Mutt and Jeff.
Now, now, now look, hold it boys, I don't want to come between you.
Look, maybe we ought to get into the sketch.
What's it going to be?
Well, we thought we'd make it feel at home Jeff and do a western.
You know, Jerry do you think you can handle a western role?
Is it anything like an onion roll?
Dean, well let's get on with the sketch.
Yeah.
If I know how these things go, it's about time for George Feniman to set the scene.
And now, through the magic of radio, Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and Jeff Chandler
take you to the roughest, toughest town of all time.
A town where outlaws thrive.
And a man's life span is measured by the speed of his draw.
A town where lawlessness reigns supreme.
The toughest, roughest and wildest town of all time.
Boston.
Yes, Boston, Wyoming.
And there, and there we meet the greatest trio of desperados ever to ride the reins.
The three James Brothers.
My name is Jesse James. I'm married to the west.
My name is Frank James. I'm married to my gun.
My name is Harry James. Any questions?
Yes, it's the infamous James Brothers.
Wherever the James Brothers rolled, they left their mark.
Jesse with his...
Frank with his...
And Harry with his...
As we meet the James Brothers, they've just robbed the bank at Abilene.
And they're fleeing to their hideout with a posse at their heels.
There's the hideout, boys. Let's go.
Come on now, boys. Let's give the up the loop.
We sure cleaned out that bank. That stole me some about 6,000 gold.
I got away with 8,000 in greenbacks.
What was your take, Harry?
Two blotters and an application to join the Christmas Club.
Why, you lily-livered goat, heck of a bank robber you turned out to be.
All right, there's no need to get your spurs in an uproar, buddy.
I never claimed to be no bank robber.
I got a different specialty.
Well, I'm the biggest rustler in these parts.
What part of the west you come from, Robert?
The southern part of the west.
How come you ain't rustlin' now?
I forgot my tap in the short.
Oh, now, it's ain't no use, Jess. He's plain yally.
You know something? If it wasn't for Ma, I'd cut his throat.
What's Ma got to do with it?
I promised she could watch.
Okay, boys, now I took all I'm gonna take of this here.
I ain't hankering for no fight.
But if that's what you're hankering for, then even I ain't hankering.
I'm gonna start hankering right now and another... and another... and another... and another thing.
What?
Can I borrow your hankering?
All right, let's cut this crazy palaver.
We gotta get organized. Harry, you go out and water the horses.
Okay, Frank, but it's silly.
Every time I water those horses, darn it, but don't drink.
You know, Jesse, he must be loco or something.
He's loco or nothing.
Ah, well...
The horses ain't there. They're gone.
Gone?
Gone? Are you sure?
Yeah, all I could find was this note.
Here, here, let me see that.
Read it, Frank. What's it say?
It says, you are a good...
You are a no-good bunch of coyotes, and I decided to leave you stranded in your hideout.
I've hated you for years, and I hope the posse catches you and hangs you.
How's it signed?
Old Faithful.
It's the posse.
You're surrounded, James Brothers.
Come on, get your hands up.
Yeah, well, you'd better come and get us.
I'll give you one chance.
What do you say, Jesse James?
You'll never take me alive.
What do you say, Frank James?
You'll never take me alive.
What do you say, Harry James?
Listen to what the nation's press has had to say about king-size Chesterfields.
Cleveland Press. Dealers everywhere report the big-pack sale phenomenal.
Last week in Cleveland, some areas reported the long-sized Chesterfield outsold all other brands.
Atlantic City Evening Union.
Wholesalers and retailers report an extraordinary demand for Chesterfields in both sizes, with sell-outs in many instances.
And from all over the country, we're getting reports from dealers telling us no product they ever handled
has grown so fast in so short a time as king-size Chesterfields.
With the buying public today, high quality for the money is a must.
And that's why so many smokers are changing to Chesterfield.
First cigarette in America to give you premium quality in both regular and king-size.
King-size Chesterfield is exactly the same as regular Chesterfield, except it's larger.
Contains so much more of the same tobacco, it gives you a 21% longer smoke, yet costs very little more.
And the tobacco in king-size Chesterfield is of better quality and higher price than the tobacco in any other king-size cigarette.
Try Chesterfield. Either way you like them, regular or king-size, Chesterfield gives you the best possible smoke.
Now I've always been a great fan of Western pictures, but I really flipped when Roy Rogers and Gene Nott came on the scene,
because if there's anything I like more than Western pictures, it's Western music.
So, text-a-beal, let's ride down the canyon.
Let's go.
White-faced cattle lowing on the mountainside
I hear the coyote whining for its mate
Cactus plants are blooming sagebrush everywhere
Granite spires are standing all around
I tell you folks, it's heaven to be riding down the trail
When the desert sun goes down
Cactus plants are blooming sagebrush everywhere
Granite spires are standing all around
I tell you folks, it's heaven to be riding down the trail
When the desert sun goes down
Gene, Gene, that was sure pretty the way you sang, it brought a lump in my throat.
Thank you, Jerry, that's very flattering.
Gene, I'd like to add my vote of confidence to Jerry's, I couldn't have done better myself.
Do you sing, Jeff?
Of course he sings, and you knew it all the time, Dean Martin, so how come you didn't mention it?
I'm sorry, Jeff, I guess I must have forgotten you were a singer.
Well, maybe we can get together after the show and kick around Sweet Adeline.
Sounds good to me.
Well, it don't sound good to me.
Why not?
Because she's my sister.
All right, Jerry, it's time to wrap things up, so let's say goodnight to Jeff Chandler, who has been a wonderful, wonderful guest.
Yes, sir, we Jeffy Boy.
Anytime you want to sign your name in our guest book, you go write A-head.
That goes double for me, Jeff.
Thank you, boys. Good night, everybody. Good night, boys.
Good night.
Well, folks, that does it for this week, but we'll be back next week, and meanwhile, we want you all to sound off for Chesterfield.
That's right, folks, it's a big boost for us.
When you step up to the counter and ask the man for Chesterfields, try him tomorrow, regular or king size, you'll get the best possible smoke from Chesterfield.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin reminding all our friends in Texas that we're coming down to play the State Fair in Dallas from October 4th through the 19th.
And this is Jerry Lewis reminding all of you that our latest picture, Jumping Jacks, is playing at your local theaters.
We hope you'll go see it. Good night.
Good night, everybody.
From Hollywood, you'll just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, written by Ed Simmons and Norman Lear,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabeel.
And this is George Fenomen asking you to listen to a personal message from Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Ladies and gentlemen, before we sign off, we'd like to tell you a little something about our pet charity, the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
Muscular dystrophy is a horrible disease that strikes young and old alike, and what makes it even more frightening is that the disease is incurable.
A cure can be found for this dread disease, but money is needed for research.
It's needed badly, and your contributions can help this research to continue.
Please send what you can to mda.ny8ny. That's mda.ny8ny. And we thank you so much. Good night.
Jeff Chandler will soon be seen in Because of You, a Universal International picture also starring Lorena Young and Alex Nichols.
The Muscular Dystrophy Association