Transcribed.
Hey, Jerry, got a cigarette?
Have I got a cigarette?
Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield?
I mean Chesterfield.
I'm with you.
Which means that Chesterfield, first cigarette with premium quality throughout, in both regular
and king size, brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette buy.
Come on smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular, king size either way.
Make it Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremony, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now I'd like to get the program rolling with...
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Hello?
Hello, it's me, the Jolly Joker.
Oh, it's Jerry Lewis.
Yeah, we got a show going on.
Where are you?
Oh, I'm in terrible, horrible trouble, the most horrible, terrible trouble, horrible,
terrible old trouble.
Now Jerry, stop it.
Now what's the matter?
Well, I was driving down to the studio like always, with my eyes closed.
Now wait a minute.
I'm in terrible, horrible trouble.
You always drive with your eyes closed?
Certainly.
Why?
That's in case there's an accident.
I didn't want to be called as a witness because I didn't see anything.
Oh, that's real clever.
Now what happened?
Well, there I was driving along.
Yeah.
When all of a sudden I hit a good humor truck.
Oh, well, that must have been a shock.
I'll bet your face turned white.
No, green.
Green?
I ran into a car.
Oh, I see.
Oh, I see.
Well, it could have been worse.
You could have crushed his tutti frutti.
Well, Jerry, get yourself passed up and get down here as fast as you can.
I'll keep things rolling in the meantime.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure my partner Jerry is suffering from nothing worse than
a severe case of overinflated imagination.
But speaking of imagination, there's always lots of fun in supposing.
Supposing we prove it, Richard.
Supposing I should fall in love with you.
Do you think that you could love me too?
Supposing I should behold you and caress you.
Would it impress you?
Or distress you?
Supposing I should say for you I yearn.
Would you think I'm speaking out of turn?
Supposing I declare it, would you take my love and share it?
Or much more than I'm in love with you?
Supposing I should say for you I yearn.
Would you think I'm speaking out of turn?
Supposing I declare it, would you take my love and share it?
Or not supposing I'm in love with you?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Dean, I'm back, Deanie, I'm back.
It's me, the sweet unspoiled one.
Well, all healed up, Jer?
Quite.
Splendid.
Did you get medical treatment?
Indeed, indeed, I did.
I went to my cousin Seymour.
You met Seymour.
Oh, sure.
Seymour is the cousin who's in his first year at medical school.
Yeah, he's a learning doctor.
Seymour bandaged up my ankle.
Oh, you hurt your ankle?
No, my rib.
And why didn't he bandage your rib?
He's not up to that yet.
Oh.
Say, isn't Seymour the one who first studied to be a dentist?
Yeah, and he almost made it too.
Why, well, what happened?
He flunked gums.
Oh.
No, you know, that kid doesn't sound like he's got the makings of a doctor either.
Dean Martin, that's an untrue lie.
Seymour treated my aunt and uncle for beriberi.
Beriberi?
And where are your aunt and uncle now?
Beriberi.
Well, I guess Seymour didn't diagnose the case very well.
That's because he has very bad eyesight.
Really?
His eyes are so bad he was born with glasses.
Well, there's an old belief that eating carrots will improve the eyesight.
Now, Seymour should have tried that.
He did.
For six months he ate a dozen carrots a day.
Did it improve his eyesight?
Tremendously.
Now, on a clear day, he can see his glasses.
Yeah.
I hate to say this, but as a doctor, your cousin Seymour has all the makings of a fine
plumber.
Oh, don't say that, Dean.
Seymour once operated on my brother Manny for appendicitis.
Oh.
Oh, let's see now.
Manny is your 14-year-old brother, isn't he?
Yeah, he's the one that mother carries to school every morning.
When he grows up, he wants to be a mailman.
What's being a mailman got to do with your mother carrying him to school?
She wants him to get all the rest he can now.
That was very thoughtful of your mom.
Yeah.
She's smart, too.
Nobody could figure out how to make my brother Elboy stop sucking his thumb.
We took him to the best psychologist in the city.
Didn't help, huh?
No.
How old is the kid?
37.
37, and he still puts his thumb in his mouth?
I'm surprised he doesn't want to put his big toe in his mouth.
He'd like to, but he hasn't learned to untie his shoelaces yet.
Oh.
From what you tell me, he probably can't even tie his shoelaces either.
Elroy tries real hard, but he's too nearsighted.
Well, maybe Elroy should have a go at some carrots.
Oh, he did.
For four months, he ate three dozen carrots a day.
Did his eyes get any better?
No, but his ears grew two inches.
Sounds like Elroy's your mother's pet.
No, she likes my sister, Zelda.
Zelda?
Well, Zelda's the one who married the chicken flicker at the poultry market.
Yeah, but that's all over with now.
He ran away because Zelda always eats crackers in bed.
Oh, that doesn't make sense.
A guy shouldn't run away because his wife eats crackers in bed.
Firecrackers?
All go fly a fish.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all.
The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story.
Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows Chesterfield quality highest.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Fifteen percent higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Thirty-one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a very good reason for singing my next song.
I like it.
And I certainly hope you'll find it a very good reason to agree with me.
You were all I had.
Now I feel so bad.
All that I'm asking is sympathy.
Don't know what I'll do.
I appeal to you.
All that I'm asking is sympathy.
Although you've broken your vows.
I've grown so used to you now.
I know I'll miss you somehow.
I love you.
I need you.
So before we part.
I'll share my aching heart.
All that I'm asking is sympathy.
Although you've broken your vows.
I've grown so used to you now.
I know I'll miss you somehow.
I love you.
I need you.
So before we part.
I'll share my aching heart.
All that I'm asking is sympathy.
Oh, Dean, please do not keep me in suspense any longer.
Who is our guest star for tonight to be?
Please tell me, Deanie, sweetie.
Well, Jerry, I'll give you a hint.
Our guest is a picture star who has legs like Betty Grable,
a complexion like Rita Hayward,
and a figure like Marilyn Monroe.
Need any more hints?
Just one. Is it a boy or a girl?
Now, let's not be ridiculous.
I'll give you another hint, Jerry.
Our guest is a picture star with brown hair, brown eyes.
Oh, now I know who it is.
Who?
Joey Brown.
No, no, no.
Friends, in the happy Hollywood miracle of stars who are born overnight,
our guest must be placed at the top of the list.
Tonight we salute one of the greatest young talents in show business,
20th Century Fox's charming and vivacious star of Down Among the Sheltering Palms,
Miss Mitzi Gaynor.
Thank you. Thank you, Dean.
I'm sure glad to be on your show.
I've called you lots of times to invite you, Mitzi,
but you never seem to be at home.
Oh, next time leave a message, Dean.
I'm a gal that goes in and out.
Yeah, and that's the kind of a figure I like.
Jerry, we're very fortunate that Mitzi took the time to drop in on us.
You should show your gratitude.
Oh, I did, Deanie, sweetie.
Miss Gaynor, in appreciation of your being here, I have bought you a gift.
Oh, Jerry, how can I thank you?
Come up to my place after the show and I'll think of something.
And if he can't, I will.
This gift, Jerry, what is it? What is it?
Easy, Mitzi, get a hold of yourself.
And if she can't, I will.
Oh, please, Jerry, tell me. What did you buy me?
Here it is, a box of chocolate-covered walnuts.
Oh, that's very nice of you.
Wait a minute, Jerry, this candy, you licked all the chocolate off.
Naturally, I wanted to make sure that what it covered was walnut.
Jerry, you brought her licked chocolate-covered walnuts.
Haven't you heard of germs?
Yeah, but I didn't think she liked chocolate-covered germs.
Don't scold him, Dean. It was really a beautiful thought, Jerry.
And I only know one way to show my appreciation.
Here, let me give you a great big kiss.
Nothing doing.
You know, Dean, I think Jerry's the kind who starts things he can't finish.
I got news for you, Mitzi. He starts things he can't even begin.
So you two think that I don't know what's all about it, huh?
Ho-ho, that's Rick.
Dean, I've got a sneaking suspicion that this boy's never even kissed his mother.
I did, too, and I've hated myself ever since.
You hated yourself for kissing your mother?
Don't you realize, Dean Martin, she's a married woman?
Oh, oh.
Uh-oh, this kid doesn't even know the score.
He doesn't even know the game.
Then perhaps now's the time for him to learn.
Jerry, you just can't resist me. I'm wearing a perfume called You Must.
Well, you're wasting your time. I'm wearing an aftershave lotion called With What.
You give up now, Mitzi?
Uh-uh. A kiss will do the trick.
Jerry, come here, please.
There, I kissed you. Now what have you got to say?
Only one thing. You must marry me.
I know, I know you're straight-laced and conventional, Jerry,
but according to Miss Gaynor's contract, she can't get married.
Well, then we can keep our marriages secret.
But suppose we have children.
Well, I guess it'll be all right to tell them.
Jerry, I'm a little afraid of marriages where both husband and wife are in the movies.
Sometimes one becomes more successful than the other,
and it causes friction and jealousy and heartache.
You know how it is.
We know, we know, but let's show the people.
Fenneman, spread the knowledge. Spread it, boy.
Right, Dean. Ladies and gentlemen,
the Chesterfield, their best-for-you players,
bring you Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Mitzi Gaynor
in a story of the king-sized trials and tribulations
of a regular Hollywood couple.
The heart-rending drama of a fading-picture star
whose agent can't get him a job,
but whose wife, who has now become the number one box office attraction,
supports him.
Entitled, The Fading Picture Star, Whose Agent Can't Get Him a Job,
But Whose Wife, Who Has Now Become the Number One Box Office Attraction,
Supports Him Story.
John, I sent for you because you're my husband's agent, and I'm worried.
I haven't seen my husband in six days.
Don't worry, Cynthia. I phoned around town and located him.
He's at art school.
At art school?
Yes. When I phoned, I heard someone say,
draw one and put a head on it.
Well, I'm back, Cynthia, and as usual,
I'm buying you with mud pack all over your face.
Oh, Irving, darling, kiss me.
Okay. Smile so I can find your lips.
Oh, Irving, my darling, you walk like you've been hurt.
Well, I was drinking all night,
and when I left the bar room and started my home, I had an accident.
What happened?
Somebody stepped on my back.
Irving, I'm ashamed of you. Every night in a bar room.
Yeah, and tonight somebody called me a has-been star who's supported by his wife.
So I hit him over the head with a bar stool,
and he hit me with a piano bench,
and the bartender sucked him with a beer bottle,
and somebody threw him through the window.
Then what happened?
Well, before you knew it, an argument started.
Oh, darling, I'm so worried.
Yesterday you tried to blow your brains out.
This morning you tried to take poison,
and this afternoon you tried to throw yourself in front of a truck.
Irving, I'm your friend. Tell me, is something troubling you?
Plenty. My wife is a big pick-a-star, and I'm a nothing.
You understand? Nothing.
I'm sick, sick, sick, for you. Sick, sick, sick.
Of what?
Wait till I turn to pay.
Oh, yeah, I'm sick of being supported by you.
Everything in this house is yours that drapes the pool of furniture.
I defy you to name one thing in this house that's mine.
Please, dear, your cigarette ashes are on the rug.
Okay, that's one. Name another thing that's mine.
You mean the rug is yours?
No, the cigarette ashes.
Any more complaints?
Plenty. You're so busy at the studios,
you couldn't even find time to have children.
That's true.
So I had to have them.
Well, what are you complaining about? It hasn't ruined your figure.
Sit down.
Every morning you dress in a hurry and rush off to the studio,
I have to pick up after you.
Pick up what?
Your false eyelashes, your false hair, your false fingernails.
Don't you miss her when she's away?
Why should I? She leaves more of her here than when she takes away them.
I'm sick, sick, sick, I tell you.
You don't fix me any dinner. You don't pay the electric bills.
Last night I was left here groping around in the dark.
Well, I told you to eat anything you found in the kitchen.
I did, and this morning a cat was missing.
Irving, Irving darling, you couldn't have swallowed the cat.
Oh no? And how come every time I see the dog my back arches?
This whole thing is your fault, John. You're my agent.
Why can't you get me an acting job?
Why? Why? I'll tell you why, you goon head.
You never show up for appointments, you're always drunk and sloppy,
you've got no talent, you can't sing, you can't dance, and you can't act.
Excuses, excuses, always excuses.
Remember darling, he did get you a job in a Broadway play, but the critics walked out.
So what? Lots of critics walked out on play.
Between the first and second syllable?
Darling, you should possess my acting ability.
Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath. There rust and let me die.
That's the death scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Smells like it's been dead a long time. And I wish I was.
Ah, don't destroy your marriage, my children.
Yours is the true partnership that comes but once.
Two people with love and adoration in their eyes, peace and contentment in their hearts,
walking down life's highways and byways together hand in hand.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Yes Irving, give our marriage another chance. For you I'll cook, I'll wash, I'll sew.
Keep going, maybe you'll come to something I like.
Sick in its life, sick, sick, sick.
Darling, we should always tell each other how we really feel inside.
I love you Irving, I love you Irving. Now you say it.
I love you Irving.
Nope, it'll never work. We're both in love with the same man.
He's not worth your love Cynthia. Leave him and marry me.
Oh no you don't, we'll fight for him.
Right? Irving, I didn't think you loved me.
I don't but I love fighting.
Well, take your choice gentlemen, guns or bare fists.
I'll use bare fists.
Good, I'll use a gun.
No, no you'll both use guns. Here, at the count of three you'll both turn and defy her.
Then with one of us out of the way the argument will be settled.
Right, ready? One, two, three, fire.
Now that settles that. You and I are engaged, come here and kiss me.
Yes, give me the ring, bubby.
Chesterfield is best for you. Listen to this report.
It's a report never before made about a cigarette.
Smoked day after day by a group of people smoking from ten to forty cigarettes a day for a full year.
Here's Chesterfield's record.
A medical specialist giving this group thorough examinations every two months for a full year
reports no adverse effects to their nose, throat and sinuses from smoking Chesterfield's.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like that?
You'll find Chesterfield's best for you. They're much milder with an extraordinarily good taste.
And for your pocketbook, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
You know it's always a thrill for an entertainer to be able to count on the constant loyalty of his friends, his audience.
This thrill is Jerry's and mine every day as we watch you visiting your local theater to see our latest picture, The Stooges.
It's truly flattering and heartwarming.
And now I'd like to prove my constant loyalty to a great song.
A sweet rose, a softest sky, an April day that would not dance away.
I begged of a star to throw me a beam or two.
Wished on a star and asked for a dream or two.
I looked for every loveliness, it all came true.
I wished on the moon for you.
I wished on the moon for you.
I looked for every loveliness, it all came true.
I wished on the moon for you.
I wished on the moon for you.
You see that was real pretty, real gone.
Well thanks, Mitzi.
Say how about you and Jerry driving me home after the show?
I can't make it, Miss Gaynor. Tonight I'm going to a surprise party.
What's the surprise?
I wasn't invited.
That's because you're a dud at parties, here. You don't even dance.
I do so too, Dean Martin. From nine in the morning till ten, I do the conger.
From ten to eleven, the samba. And from eleven to twelve, the rumber.
Then what?
Plasma.
Well I'll call you a cab, Mitzi. And thanks for joining up with us.
Yes, you've been most gracious standing for all our nonsense and thank you, Miss Gaynor.
Thanks, Dean and Jerry, and good night everybody.
Thank you. Good night, Mitzi.
Good night.
Before we go, we'd kind of like to tell you why Chesterfield shows up year after year as first choice of Young America.
Of course that's based on a survey made in 274 colleges and universities.
And the reason is because we're first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
So try our cigarette, friends, Chesterfield. It's a good mild smoke with a wonderful taste.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night.
Good night.
Good night. God bless you all.
Thank you.
From Hollywood, you've just heard Transcribe, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Produced and directed by Dick Mack. Written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish.
With music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima tips of perfect cork.
King size for natural filtering. Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima. See how smooth they are.
Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield. Liggett and Myers. One of tobacco's most respected names.
Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.
Thank you.