Transcribed.
Jerry?
Yeah?
Cigarette?
Certainly.
Chesterfield?
Exclusively.
King size?
Regular.
Light?
Thanks.
Good.
Splendid.
Ooh.
Which means that Chesterfield, first cigarette with premium quality in both regular and king
size, brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show.
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette pie.
Come on smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular, king size either way.
Make a Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremony, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Hi there everybody.
Well, we're all set to zip the little red cellophane strip off another Chesterfield
pack of music and merriment.
And while my partner Jerry is getting ready to extract some king size lash from the sleeve
of a straight jacket, Richard, how about having ourselves a musical look into them, their
eyes?
I fell in love with you first time I looked into them, their eyes.
You got a certain little cute way of flirting with them, their eyes.
They make me feel happy, they make me blue.
No Stalin, I'm falling golden in a big way for sweet little you.
Oh my heart is jumping, you sure started something with them, their eyes.
You'd better watch them if you're wise.
They sparkle, they bubble, they're going to get you in a whole mess of trouble.
You're overworking them, there's danger lurking in them, their eyes.
Oh my heart is jumping, you sure started something with them, their eyes.
You'd better watch them if you're wise.
They sparkle, they bubble, they're going to get you in a whole lot of trouble.
You're overworking them, there's danger lurking in them, their eyes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now ladies and gentlemen.
Dean, hold on a minute.
Hold what a minute?
What's the matter, Fenneman?
Well the messenger just delivered a note from Jerry Lewis.
Oh from Jerry?
Let me see.
Dear older than me, I'm running away from home because everybody picks on me.
I'm going to China today.
In parting let me say I love you, Dean.
I love Joyce Fenneman.
I love Dick Stabeel.
I love Ethel for Blundered.
I am leaving all my worldly possessions.
All I'm taking with me is a carton of Chesterfields.
Oh gee, that's strange, Dean.
At a time like this, why would Jerry take nothing but a carton of Chesterfields?
I love my sponsor too.
It's Jerry Lewis!
Well, dear, what made you change your mind about running off to China?
Oh it's a long, long story, Deanie.
I stood in a row for three hours with my thumb out waiting.
For what?
A car with Chinese license plates.
Jerry, you can't get to China that way.
You get there by boat.
Then I must have been standing on the wrong road, Dean.
Very few boats pass by.
You know, I just don't understand it, Jerry.
Why would you run away in the first place?
Well Dean, it's just that I'm getting sick and tired of it all.
People always hating me.
Hating, hating, hating.
Jerry.
Hating, hating.
Always hating.
Never liking.
Always hating.
Jerry, stop!
That goes for you too, Dean Martin.
Stopping, stopping.
Always stopping.
Never starting.
Always stopping.
Now cut it out!
Cutting, cutting.
Always cutting.
Ah, shut up!
Look, Jerry, if there's something on your mind, I can help.
Tell Deanie.
Well, you see, it's like this.
It's my family again.
They're all jealous of me because I have the mind of a four-year-old.
Jerry, your family isn't jealous of you.
Oh they are so do, Deanie.
Why, when I was born, the very first time my mother looked at my face, she was jealous.
Of what?
Of her mother.
Oh, please, Jerry.
Oh yeah, when I was a baby, I was all wrinkled up like a prune.
Jerry, lots of tiny babies look like a prune.
With a pit in the middle?
Well, I see what you mean.
It's enough to give a kid a complex.
Oh yes, indeed.
How would you like to go through life trying to spit yourself out?
Leave me, Jerry, you're all wrong about this.
I happen to know your family loves you.
Oh yeah, then how about my mother?
Her, how about?
She didn't like you?
You want I should give you a for instance?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, give her a for instance.
All righty.
And this one is a positive darb.
Every time I cried at night, my mother used to take me in her arms and rock me to sleep.
Well, why should that make you think your mother doesn't love you?
She used real rocks.
Oh.
And Dean, ask me about toys.
Ask me about toys.
Okay, about toys.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Until I was three years old, I never had any toys.
No toys?
Didn't you have a rattle?
Only when I walked.
Yeah.
Jerry, you may be the ugly duckling of the family, but I'll always be your friend.
Ho ho somebody.
What have you ever done for me?
What have you?
What have I ever done for you?
What have I?
I'll tell you what I've done.
I fixed up a date for you with Janet Lee, Ginger Rogers, and Marilyn Monroe.
Blondes, blondes, always blondes.
Don't you think a guy likes to go out with a brunette once in a while?
Jerry, believe me, I'm actually your pal.
Fine pal.
If you're my pal, how come you never call me anymore?
Well, you don't have a phone.
I'm not your pal.
I'm your pal.
You can call me Jerry anymore.
Well, you don't have a phone.
I know, but you have.
Look, Jerry, if you don't like this arrangement between you and me, you can call the whole
act off.
Okay.
Let's call it quits.
Quits?
You heard me.
K-W-I-T-Z.
Quits.
You mean it, Jerry.
Sure.
I can get along fine on my own.
I can always go back to what I was doing before I met you.
You can, huh?
Yeah.
All right.
Go back to what you were doing before you met me.
Okay.
Well.
years ahead of them all
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all
the quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a
revealing story
recent chemical analysis is given index of good quality for the country's six
leading cigarette brands the index of good quality table which is a ratio of
high sugar to low nicotine shows Chesterfield quality highest Chesterfield
quality highest 15% higher than its nearest competitor Chesterfield quality
highest 31% higher than the average of the five other leading brand
yes Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size
don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this Chesterfield
ladies and gentlemen though we're not scientists Jerry and I tried a little
experiment not too long ago we were anxious to see what would happen if we
mixed comedy and drama in one picture well out of the test tube came our
latest picture to stooge and Jerry and I are really thrilled that so many of you
are visiting your local theater to see it and since we're on the subject of
chemistry I'm ready to make some lovely words with a haunting refrain
pretend you're happy when you're blue it isn't very hard to do and you'll find
happiness without an end whenever you pretend remember anyone can dream and
nothing's bad as it may seem the little things you haven't got could be a lot if
you pretend
you find a lot you can share one you can call all your own
just close your eyes she'll be there
you'll never be alone and if you sing this melody you'll be
pretending just like me the world is mine it can be yours my friend so I don't you
pretend
And if you sing this melody, You'll be pretending just like me.
The world is mine, it can be yours, my friend, So why don't you pretend?
Before I introduce the guest star, Joey, I want to make sure of something.
Is everything straightened out between us?
Yes, indeed, Mr. Martin, sir, you are the boss.
And you?
And I am nothing.
Now, don't forget that.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the program that I always look forward to.
Some job he's got, boss over nothing.
This is the part of the program where I introduce the guest star.
Believe me, they won't always say, there goes Jerry Lewis the idiot.
Our guest is-
I'm gonna go to college.
Our guest is-
When I graduate from college, they won't say, there goes Jerry Lewis the idiot anymore.
Our guest is-
They'll say, there goes Professor Lewis the idiot.
Okay, I've had enough of your interruption.
What do you want me to do?
Who cares?
Play Jacks with George Fenorman.
Hmm, what a splendid idea.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a command performance.
Tonight's guest star appeared with us earlier this season, but because of her beauty, charm,
and talent, and your reaction to the same, we practically command her to return.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Linda Darnell.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much, Dean.
Hey, say, where's Jerry?
I'm here with Jacks with George Fenorman.
Jerry, come here.
You remember Linda Darnell.
Oh, indeedy-dee, I do, deeny-derly.
Miss Darnell's the girl with the two most beautiful legs in the world.
Why, Jerry, how do you know I've got the two most beautiful legs in the world?
I counted them.
Well, Jerry, Linda's a Texas gal, and that's the way Texas gals are built.
Then my geography book is all wrong.
Well, what do you mean, Jerry?
Texas never had a shape like that.
You know, Linda, we've asked you here for a specific purpose.
Jerry and I have been working together for a long time.
Oh, I know, Dean, and I think it's just wonderful.
You've given Jerry half of everything from the first dollar you made.
Yeah, and someday he promised to give me half of the rest of the money we made.
Now, come on, please, Jerry.
Linda, for years Jerry and I have been chasing all over the United States, and all over Canada,
and all over Europe, and we've just decided we'd like to have you in the act.
But why me?
Well, what'll I do in the act?
Oh, I'm sure we can figure out some sort of a novelty for you in the act, Linda.
Yeah, we can do a magic act, Mr. Arnell.
You get in the trunk.
Yes.
And I get in there with you.
That's magic?
It is, if I can get away with it.
Now, I got an idea.
We'll do an adagio act.
Now picture the setting.
A dive in Paris.
I pick Linda up, and I throw her to you.
This I like.
Well, what does Jerry do?
He holds you in his arms for a second, then he throws you back to me.
You want a bet?
Now, during the dance, there's a struggle.
Tables crash, chairs break, shots are fired.
Well, Dean, what are you doing all this time?
I'm singing.
But through all the gunshots, tables crashing, and chairs breaking, how can you continue
singing?
Oh, it's easy.
I'm used to Dick Stabiel's orchestra.
Well, Mr. Arnell, I just thought I was finished for the act.
While I'm lying there on the floor, you take me in your arms and kiss me.
Well, that sounds swell, but what do you do for an encore?
Break out and goose pim-poop.
Well, I'm sorry, boys, but look, that adagio stuff is out.
You know, I've got an idea, though.
I've done so many tropical island pictures.
Why don't we do a satire on one of those?
That suggestion's a die, a complete die.
Let's try one right now.
Furnament, get us going.
Right, Dean.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chesterfield, ooh, you'll like them players.
Now present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Linda Darnell in the first of a series of
shipwreck jokes.
It is the stark drama of two men, cast adrift on a tiny raft in the South Pacific.
For days they drift beneath the blistering sun, dying from thirst, slowly going mad,
bodies emaciated with hunger, and all they have with them is Linda Darnell.
Entitled...
Should happen to me.
I can't stand it on this raft anymore.
Can't stand it.
I'm rotting away, I tell you.
Rotting, rotting.
How long have we been adrift?
Ten minutes.
Well, I spoil quickly.
I can't stand this horrible thirst anymore.
Me neither.
Just look at my lips.
They're all blistered.
Oh, you poor boy, let me kiss you again.
How do you think they got blistered?
I need water.
Water, I need water.
Where's our water?
Oh, good heavens, our water is all gone.
Yeah, I used the last drop.
To drink?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
To drink?
No, to wash my dainty.
Hey, fellas, this is the beginning of the end.
Look, there's a leak in our rubber raft.
Quick!
Put a pan under it.
A pan?
The air is leaking out.
Then put a balloon under it.
Hey, that's a good idea.
We may not have food to eat and water to drink, but we'll always have air to breathe.
Don't worry, we won't go hungry this morning.
I caught a fish.
But what did you use for a hook?
Dean's old nose.
Jerry, what did you use for bait?
There was enough left over for that too, I guess.
Oh, look.
Look out there, a ship.
Is it a sloop?
No, it's white a woof.
I mean, the woof is a white a woof.
They must have seen my petticoat that I hung on the mast.
They're signaling.
What are they saying?
Lady, your slippers shine.
Look!
Oh, look!
Aren't you overacting?
A little bit, yeah.
Look!
A tiny island.
Where?
Way out there where I'm pointing.
That's no island.
You've got a word on the end of your finger.
Well, let's make for that.
It's better than nothing at all.
Let's all dive overboard.
Well here we are on the island.
We certainly swam here fast.
We had to to keep up the music.
This island must be inhabited.
There are footprints all along the beach.
Yes, but the prints are only of one foot.
Who could be living on this island?
The
prints are only of one foot.
Who could be living here?
Only one man.
Hop along, Cassidy.
Hey, fellas, I know where we are now.
We're on the island of the headhunters.
They shrink heads down to the size of olives.
What are they using them for?
Martini.
That figure.
Oh, Pish and Todd, if there are any headhunters within a hundred miles of here, my name is
William Shakespeare.
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave.
Isn't that monstrous that the player is?
Look, oh, look, an arrow is sticking out of the top of your head.
I don't want them to know they've got me.
Quick, pull the arrow out.
We can't pull it out.
Then quick, hammer it in.
I can tell by the marking on that arrow that we're in the land of the Uggermugger Juggerwugger
Bugger Tribe.
The Uggermugger Juggerwugger Lugga Dugga Buggas?
Are they friendly?
Only to other Uggermugger Juggerwugger Buggas.
They must know we're here.
They're sending up smoke signals.
Well, what are they saying?
I don't know.
In school, I flunked smoke.
Oh.
Oh, look, here comes the cannibal chief.
Oh, just look at him.
He's hideous.
Why, are you so amazed?
All cannibals have their faces painted.
Painted, I can understand.
But I can't see anything.
You can't see anything.
I can't see anything.
You can't see anything.
I can't see anything.
I don't see anything.
I can't see anything.
Me fix up little one for snack.
First, pour mushroom overhead.
Put carrot in ears.
Grated parsley on forehead.
Melt the cheese over face.
Look, he's pouring brandy sauce all over my chest.
There, now everything ready.
Ah!
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, what happened?
I couldn't help it, I couldn't help it.
Couldn't help what?
I looked so delicious, I took a bite out of myself.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
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Proven by chemical analyses to have higher quality than the five other leading brands.
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And first, to give you this report.
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And he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfield.
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Much milder Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
You know, there are old songs and then there are songs that never grow old.
The kind that people return to time after time and year after year.
As one of the people, here's my nomination for one of the songs I'd most like to hear more often.
I dream of you more than you dream I do.
How can I prove to you this love is real?
You're mean to me more than you mean to be.
You just can't seem to see the way I feel.
When I am close to you, the world is far away.
The words that fill my heart, my lips can't seem to say.
I want you so more than you'll ever know, more than you dream I do.
I dream of you.
I want you so more than you'll ever know, more than you dream I do.
I dream of you.
Well, Dean, that was wonderful. You know, that's just the kind of song and singing I love to hear.
Well, thank you, Linda. You're very sweet.
Yeah, no, Miss Darnall. How about signing that contract to work with us in the act?
Yeah, Linda, we can park up on Inspiration Point and discuss your problem.
Well, I don't have any problem.
You're not up on Inspiration Point yet.
Jerry, you shouldn't try to give Linda the impression that I'm a wolf.
That's silly, Dean. I'm not a wolf.
Of course not.
You're an octopus.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Jerry. An octopus is something that has eight arms.
You're not up on Inspiration Point yet.
Well, maybe I'd better go home by myself.
Well, if you insist, but really, Linda, it's been a real pleasure to have you with us again.
It sure has, Miss Darnall. Please don't stay away too long.
I won't, fellas. Good night, Dean. Good night, Jerry.
Good night, Linda.
Good night, Miss Darnall.
Hey, Jerry, how about that quality contrast between Chesterfield and the other leading brands?
Yeah, Chesterfield quality is highest.
Sort of makes you wonder why anybody would smoke anything but Chesterfield, doesn't it?
You said it.
Honest friends, if you want the best, there's no doubt about it.
Chesterfield's the one for you.
Try those Chesterfields tomorrow, folks. You'll see what we mean.
They're best for you.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
God bless you all.
From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish,
with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award-winning show,
Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima tips of perfect cork, king size for natural filtering,
Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima, see how smooth they are.
Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield.
Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names.
Linda Donnell will soon be seeing the RKO production, Second Tank,
co-starring with Robert McGill.
Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.