Transcribed.
Jerry?
Yeah?
Cigarette?
Certainly.
Chesterfield?
Exclusively.
King size?
Regular.
Light?
Thanks.
Good.
Blended.
Ooh.
Which means that Chesterfield, first cigarette with premium quality in both regular and
king size, brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show.
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette buy.
Come on smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular, king size either way.
Make it Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
Clear the tracks because we're about to pull out of the
another Chesterfield Super Chief.
My partner Jerry's off on a sighting somewhere with his brains temporarily derailed, but
he'll be checking out here soon with a car full of laughs.
So Richard, my good conductor, toot that whistle, jingle that brass and full speed ahead.
The day after day I'm waiting patiently And when the salty wind is blowing from the
sea I pretend that it's the breeze that's filling
the sail that's moving the ship that's bringing my honey back to me
I always keep my window open wide I like to let the friendly breeze come right
inside And pretend that it's the breeze that's filling
the sail that's moving the ship that's bringing my honey back to me
Mr. Wind, keep blowing stronger Because I must have that gall of mine
While every day seems so much longer Now don't forget it's daylight saving time
I get so lonesome waiting days and weeks But every breath of air to linger on my
cheek Seems to whisper it's the breeze that's
filling the sail that's moving the ship that's bringing my honey back to me
Day after day I'm waiting cause the wind is blowing from the sea
While it's the sea, the wind, the ship, the sail, that's bringing my honey back to me
I keep the window open wide And I can let that breeze come right inside
When it's the sea, the wind, the ship, the sail, that's bringing my honey to me
Hey Mr. Wind, keep blowing stronger Because I must have that gall of mine
And every day seems so much longer Now don't forget it's daylight saving time
I get so lonesome waiting days and weeks But every breath of air to linger on my
cheeks Seems to whisper it's the breeze that's
filling the sail that's moving the ship that's bringing my honey back to me
While it's the sea, the breeze, the ship, the sail, that's bringing my honey to me
Thanks very much.
Now I'd like to introduce my zany partner.
Of course he doesn't have any good looks, but he doesn't mind.
He doesn't have any brains either.
Yeah, it's a set.
Jerry Lewis!
Dean, Dean, guess what happened to me?
Jerry, what's with this peculiar way of speaking?
Guess what happened to me?
Okay, I give up.
What happened to you?
No Jerry, when you come to the end of a sentence like that you're supposed to drop your inflection.
What?
And have everybody see my underwear?
No, Jerry, forget your underwear.
That would be even worse!
Look, Jerry, when you come to the end of a sentence your voice is supposed to drop.
Okay Dean, guess what happened to me?
Oh please Jerry, when you talk there are statements and there are questions.
Now at the end of a statement you put a period.
You know what a period is?
Oh sure, that's a pimple made out of ink.
Now look Jerry, I'm talking about punctuation.
You know what punctuation is?
Oh indeedy-dee I do.
Punctuation is the science of facilitating the interpretation of a sentence or any group
of sentences in a paragraph by way of sundry, variegated markings.
Jerry, how did you know that?
One of our writers has a dictionary.
Which one?
Punctuation read.
Alright, I'll explain punctuation further.
Now take this sentence, I'm going to Europe to entertain this summer.
I'm going with you.
No Jerry, no no.
I'm only trying to explain inflections.
When I say I'm going to Europe this summer I'm taking an example.
I'm taking a boat.
No no.
You go your way and I'll go mine.
Alright Jerry, we'll both go by boat.
We're both going by boat?
Now you got it.
You asked a question and your inflection went up.
Question up, statement down.
Oh question up, statement down.
Question up, statement down.
That's right up, down.
Up, down.
Up, down.
Up, down.
Ha ha.
Dean.
What Jerry?
I'm nauseous.
Now this whole thing is your fault.
Now tell me Jerry, what happened to you?
I mean what happened to you?
I'm glad you asked that Dean, it was terrible.
It was.
It was just one of those days when everything seems to go wrong.
You know how those days do pop up.
I came back late last night and I called the police.
Called the police why?
I thought I was kidnapped.
How can a person think he's kidnapped?
I looked in my bed and I wasn't there.
Actually Jerry, nobody can be there.
The bed was empty.
Oh no Dean, it was half empty.
Half empty?
It couldn't be half empty.
Alright it was half full.
Half full of what?
My brother Bynum.
He was at a party all night and he was drinking.
And he wound up sleeping in your bed?
Every time Bernie gets drunk he thinks he's me.
Why didn't you wake Bernie up and tell him that he wasn't you?
I did.
I said, Bernie you are not me.
You are not me.
What happened?
He talked me out of it.
And that's not all Deanie.
Just when I dropped off to sleep I was awakened by the dog barking.
What was bothering the dog?
She was having kittens.
The dog was having kittens?
She doesn't know she's a dog.
She thinks she's a cat.
How could a dog think she's a cat?
Bernie talked her into it.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all.
The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story.
Modern chemical analysis give an index of good quality for the country's six leading
cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows
Chesterfield quality highest.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Fifteen percent higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Thirty one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn't take a medical degree to become a heart specialist.
Songwriters have been successfully analyzing heart beats for years.
So here I am ready to give you their latest report.
Your cheating heart will make you weep.
You'll cry and cry and try to sleep.
But sleep won't come the whole night through.
Your cheating heart will tell on you.
When tears come down like falling rain.
You'll toss around and call my name.
You'll walk the floor the way I do.
Your cheating heart will tell on you.
You'll walk the floor the way that I do.
Your cheating heart will tell on you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're very kind.
Now I...
Say Dean, I just saw our guest star and she wants me.
She wants me for her garden.
Our guest star wants you for her garden?
Yeah.
As soon as she saw me, she turned to her friend and said, get a load of that.
You should be flattered that our guest noticed you at all.
You know, she's a very famous Academy Award winner.
An Academy Award winner, gracious, that's positively sterling.
Yeah, Jerry, three years ago at the Academy Awards, she got an Oscar.
She was sure surprised.
Why did she expect a girl?
You don't understand, Jerry.
For the past three years, she's kept her Oscar on the mantelpiece.
On the mantelpiece?
She can't afford a crib?
Look, Jerry, I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to lie.
Jerry, she got this for a picture.
Did you ever see the razor's edge?
Only when I shave.
Jerry, I hope you don't act so stupid after I introduce her.
Ladies and gentlemen, I guess it's no longer any secret who our guest is.
So I know you'll be happy to meet and greet the lovely and charming Miss Anne Baxter.
Well, welcome, Annie.
Thank you, Dean.
I'm certainly glad you could make it tonight.
I almost didn't.
I had a hard time getting a sitter for my child.
Actually, who wants to sit up there on a mantelpiece?
Dean, this thing shouldn't be let loose.
It should live in a cage.
Miss Baxter, I'll have you know that I, Jerry Lewis, star of Stay Screen Radio and Television,
have a large enough income to afford the finest home in Beverly Hills.
Oh, that's true, Jerry.
So how come I live in a cage?
Jerry, that outburst amazed me.
Why, it wouldn't surprise me if you had the makings of a dramatic actor.
It would amaze me.
To be a really fine dramatic actor, you must be able to control your emotions, even though
you've loved and lost.
Well, I've loved and lost, and look at me.
I am looking, and I see why you lost.
Miss Baxter, I'm...
Miss Baxter, I may not be dashing or chivalrous, swabbered up in the air, cultured or glum,
but I have one thing that Tyrone Powell hasn't got.
What's that?
A brother who thinks he's me.
Ron, my partner's not well at all tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry I insulted you, Jerry.
I'd do anything in the world to make it up to you.
Anything, Miss Baxter?
Yes, anything.
Miss Baxter, Anne.
Yes?
Would a bag of peanut brittle be asking too much?
Oh, Jerry.
Oh, Dean, doesn't Jerry know anything about life?
He doesn't even suspect anything.
I do about acting.
It is a well-known fact among very few people that because of my dramatic ability, I was
once offered a part in High Noon.
Why didn't you take it?
I don't get up that early.
Jerry, what Anne has been trying to say is that you can't be a dramatic actor unless
you've suffered.
I've suffered.
Oh, how I've suffered.
Wow, how I've suffered.
Gosh, oh gee whiz, how I've suffered.
My stars, I've suffered.
Suffered, suffered, suffered, suffered.
That's me all suffering.
All right, so you suffered, you suffered, but that isn't all you need to become a dramatic
success.
That's so true.
You need Broadway experience.
Oh, the theater.
Oh, I miss it.
I'm here in Hollywood, but I left part of me on Broadway.
But you brought the hand with you, didn't you, sometimes?
Jerry, what Anne is trying to say is that it's not only dramatic ability that makes
a star, it's the experience and the part too.
Oh yes, yes, that's so true.
As the saying goes, the play is the thing.
Ah, yes, the play is the thing.
Did you hear that, Fenomen?
I certainly did, Dean.
Then set the scene for that thing we call a play.
Very well.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chesterfield, ooh, they're best for you, play.
Present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Anne Baxter in a drama about the undying love of
a woman for a man.
A pitiful tale of a girl who was torn between her love for a struggling young inventor and
the attentions of a wealthy sneak who tries to win her love by giving her furs.
Entitled The Mink Fink.
Oh, I love you, Eli.
I love you, you crazy mixed up inventor.
You stop with those test tubes and look at me.
Some other time, Naomi, I'm busy putting the finishing touches on my new discovery, the
latest improvement in sticks of dynamite.
What do you mean, latest improvement in dynamite sticks?
They're peppermint flavored.
They're utterly delicious.
It's so smoky in here, I can't see.
Who just came in?
It is I, the Mink Fink.
Naomi, I brought you a new fur coat.
I've never seen green fur before.
What's it made of?
Fuzzy money.
Oh, Naomi, I have so much to give you and still you keep refusing my sneaky offers of
marries.
Why, why, why?
Who wants to have a bunch of little finks running around our house?
Oh, Naomi, dear one, marry me and you'll have chinchillas and ermines.
Marry me, Naomi, and you'll have children just like everybody else.
But Eli, Eli, Eli, darling.
What is it, Aracely?
Eli, darling, if I do marry you, we can't live in this cellar.
It's so dirty, so filthy.
How could you expect Naomi to live in this horrible place?
There's no carpeting.
There's nothing but just plain dirt.
No, but it's wall to wall dirt.
What do you say, Naomi?
Oh, I couldn't live here, darling.
It's so damp.
I know.
This morning I picked up a newspaper to swat a fly and knocked down a halibut.
Naomi, if you marry me, you will share my huge estate and remember, I have my own 18
hole golf course.
Oh, lots of people have their own 18 hole golf courses.
Inside the house?
Fink, you're just trying to turn her head.
You're despicable, incorrigible, diabolical.
Those are hard words.
I know, but I said them.
I'd marry you at once, Eli, if you gave up your silly work.
I could never give it up, never.
Do you understand?
Never, never, never.
N-E-V-E-R, never.
After all, I am known to the profession as marvelous Eli, the mad inventor.
But your inventors never made a nickel.
Why do you think I'm so mad?
Oh, you're crazy.
Oh, no, Fink is right, Eli.
Look at the crazy things you've invented.
Crazy?
Crazy?
Whoa!
You call my invention of the poop-sicle crazy?
Wait a minute.
What's a poop-sicle?
That's a popsicle without any stick to hold it up.
It's a derb, a positive derb.
Oh, you never change, Eli.
Never, never.
Look, you made tears roll down her cheeks, you viper.
I ain't got a handkerchief.
Viper yourself.
Don't cry, Naomi.
Don't cry.
Eat that.
Don't cry.
I can't help it.
If you really love me, Eli, you get up early someday and invent something practical.
But I did.
Only this morning I perfected something to write with that's guaranteed not to leak.
What is it?
Ain't gonna leave me out of this show.
What is it?
I call it a pencil.
Why did you name it a pencil?
What else does it look like?
But Eli, my darling, this is the age of automobiles.
There are tremendous opportunities for inventions in that field.
Naomi, you have just said the secret word.
I happen to have invented a windshield for cars that is crackproof, crashproof, and bulletproof.
It's perfect except for one minor detail.
What's that?
You can't see through it.
I can only whip that one thing.
Darling, darling, I want to be proud of you.
Invent something worthwhile and I'll marry you.
You mean you want me to invent something right in front of you?
Yes.
What about a liquid nail polish for people with liquid nails?
No.
No, indeed.
I've got it.
Why don't you get rid of it?
All right, hand me my satchel of chemicals.
Here you are, Eli.
Now I start.
Bichloride of potassium, bipotassium of fluoride, oriothiomyoclorosilirate.
You don't have any oriothiomyoclorosilirate.
Then we'll use chicken fat.
Now what's this?
Look.
It's beginning to bubble and boil.
There.
Now it's finished.
What is it, Eli?
What is it?
For years, medical science has been trying to help those poor unfortunates who suffer
with the seven-year itch.
And this formula is the answer.
You mean it cures a seven-year itch?
No, but it grows an extra pair of hands so you can scratch.
Chesterfield is best for you.
Listen to Chesterfield's record.
For a full year and two months, a doctor has been making regular examinations of a group
of Chesterfield smokers.
And he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfields.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield, first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Chesterfield, first choice with Young America.
And that's from a survey of 274 colleges and universities.
Try Chesterfields today.
Remember, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
You know, friends, it's a pleasure to tell you how happy you've made Jerry and me with
your wonderful reception of our latest picture to Stooge.
All the nice things you've been saying have been music to our ears.
So now I'd like to express my thanks with some music for your ears.
Moments like this make me thrill through and through Careless moments like this close to
you Now, we dine and we dance
Yet my heart seems to melt in your glance
Sweet moments like this where the soft lights have gone
Make me long for your kiss though I know I'd be just one of all your offends
But at moments like this who cares?
I'd be just one of all your offends
But at moments like this who cares?
I was lovely, Dean.
Just lovely.
You know, your voice has a remarkable dramatic quality.
Thanks, Anne.
You hear that, Jerry?
Did you hear that?
Anne says I've got dramatic possibilities.
Splendid.
What you're forgetting about me, Miss Baxter, you know me, and dramatic acting?
Well, you haven't convinced me yet, Jerry.
That's right, Jerry.
You haven't shown Miss Baxter that you're able to register all emotions.
Suppose we test you out now, Jerry.
Register fear.
Boredom.
Sickness.
Jerry, maybe you'd better stick to comedy because I've certainly enjoyed being a part
of it tonight.
Good night, Anne, and thanks for lending your charm to our show.
Yes, and an extra vote of thanks for accepting our nonsense so graciously.
Please hurry back, Anne.
That I will.
Good night, Dean and Jerry.
Good night, all.
Good night.
While we're stocking up on songs and jokes for next week's show, we hope you'll stock
up on Chesterfields.
We're sure you'll like them as much as Jerry and I do.
Either way, regular or king-sized, they're milder.
They taste great.
And they're America's best cigarette buys.
So get Chesterfields.
You'll find their best for you.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
God bless you all.
From Hollywood, you've just heard Transcribe, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Produced and directed by Dick Mack.
Written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish.
Music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabeel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfields award-winning show,
Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima tips of perfect cork.
King-sized for natural filtering.
Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima, see how smooth they are.
Newer Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield.
Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names.
Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.