Transcribed.
Music
Hey Dean, is it time for us to go on yet?
Not just a second, Jerry.
Well, I finished my Chesterfield.
Regular?
No, king size. Why?
Well, in that case, I'll have to wait over a fifth longer for you.
Ha ha ha.
Which means the Chesterfield,
first cigarette with premium quality in both regular and king size,
brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Applause
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette pie.
Come on smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield
Best for you
Chesterfield
Best for you
Regular, king size, either way.
Make it Chesterfield today.
Music
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies,
Dean Martin.
Applause
Thank you.
Hi there everybody.
Well, it's my favorite night of the week again,
the night when we unwrap another regular and king size show for Chesterfield.
While my partner Jerry is working his way out of his mink-lined straightjacket,
wild horses couldn't keep me from singing wild horses.
Hitch him up rich.
Music
It would take more than a pack of wild horses
Pulling your wagon to keep you from me
It would take more than superior forces
Even a dragon to keep you from me
You can make fools out of other good guessers
Pull them in blinkers, I know where they'd be
It would take schools of the finest professors
Using the thinkers to keep you from me
What a sight you are, how bright you are, you glow
Take that sight away, and right away I'd go
Straight to your door over obstacle courses
Maybe I'm ragging, but surely you'd see
It would take more than a pack of wild horses
Pulling your wagon to keep you from me
Nothing can keep you from me
Music
It would take more than a pack of wild horses
Pulling your wagon to keep you from me
It would take more than superior forces
Even a dragon to keep you from me
Nothing can keep you from me
Applause
Thank you
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
Now I have an announcement to make
We've had quite a few requests from people
all over the country for pictures of Jerry and myself
And so I'd like to tell all you people who want pictures
There's only one thing to do
Send us a camera, we'll take some
And that's Jerry Lewis
Applause
Now Jerry, about those pictures
Jerry laughs
What are you laughing at, Jerry?
A riddle I made up this morning
Jerry laughs
Why are you laughing now?
I just got it
Oh
It must be a real comical one
Oh indeedy dee, it is
Here's the riddle
Dean
Yes
What's the difference?
Jerry, didn't you leave something out?
Oh yeah
What's the difference between?
Between what?
Oh no, you don't, Dean Martin
I don't give any hints
Well, you got to give me at least one hint
All righty, Dean
What's the difference between a piano?
Now that's idiotic
No, but you're warm
Jerry, you're crazy
You guessed it
Look, Jerry
I'll give you an example of a real riddle
Are you ready?
Gee, that's a tough one
Jerry laughs
I didn't start yet, Jerry
Oh, Dean
I wish you'd teach me how to be a funny storyteller
When I go to the parties
The only way I can entertain is to play the piano
Well, it's always nice to have somebody at a party who can play the piano
Yeah, but after a couple of hours of playing my toes get tired
Oh
Jerry, you play the piano with your toes
What do you do with your fingers?
Stick them in my ears
I can't stand my playing
Jerry, storytelling calls for a certain talent
In other words, storytellers are born
Then it should be easy for me
I was born
Naturally
Of course, who's born with clothes on?
Okay, you were born
And I remember it so well, Dean
It was a long time ago on a Monday night
No, it was a Wednesday night
On second thought, it was a Thursday night
Oh, who cares?
Maybe you were born on a Tuesday night
Now that's ridiculous, isn't it, Dean?
You know on Tuesday nights I'm always broadcasting
Laughter
That's right, that's right
I keep forgetting
Of course, I could have been born transcribed, though
Oh, Jerry
To be released at a more convenient time
Jerry
Laughter
Now Jerry, the best way to be a good storyteller is to talk about strange or funny things that happen to you
You mean like the time I was drinking a malted to gain weight and somebody slapped me on the back?
That's a funny experience
Sure was
It took three men to pull me out of the straw
Laughter
Jerry
Laughter
It's okay to exaggerate a little
Oh, but don't overdo it
Laughter
Then maybe I can tell about the strange experience I had last year when I went to Europe on a Normandy
Jerry, the Normandy sank ten years ago
I better make it another boat
Yeah
Laughter
Exactly, Jerry
When you tell the story of something that happens to you, you're supposed to tell the truth
I'm coming to that part
Okay, I'm waiting
Well, I boarded the boat in New York and it took me five days to get to Europe and 30 seconds to fly back
Five days to get there and only 30 seconds to fly back
Now that's impossible
No, no, no, not when you're suspended, it's a quarter on the dock
Laughter
And this is the truth?
I've got witnesses
What witnesses?
My bare legs
Laughter
That's all well and good, Jerry
But the legs can't talk
Oh, they can so too
I've seen Betty Grable's and I get the message
Laughter
Applause
Years ahead of them all
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all
The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story
Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows Chesterfield quality highest
Chesterfield quality highest
15% higher than its nearest competitor
Chesterfield quality highest
31% higher than the average of the five other leading brands
Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield
Music
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure now to introduce a brand new song for its debut on the air
And by the way, I happen to be related to this new number because it was written by none other than that very talented piano player of ours, Mr. Lou Brown
It's called The Time Is Now
Music
The time is now
Why must we wait
Tomorrow's down
Maybe too late
So come to me
My love
And be
My love
The time is now
Forget the past
The sands of time
Are falling fast
So hold me tight
My love
This is our night
My love
The world will whirl
On ground until
Your warm embrace
Makes time
Stand still
We never know
What lies ahead
The far horizon
Glows with red
Stars are gone
My love
Hold back the dawn
My love
The time is now
And from now on
Music
We never know
What lies ahead
The far horizon
Glows with red
Stars are gone
My love
Hold back the dawn
My love
The time is now
And from now on
Music
Applause
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
it becomes my extremely pleasant task
to introduce our guest.
Tonight we have invited
Dean Dean, the fatal time has come.
I'm gonna die.
Oh, Jerry, stop.
What makes you think you're gonna die?
I just broke my lifetime pen.
Oh.
Oh, please, Jerry.
Please.
I'm trying to make an introduction here.
I'm making an introduction, Jerry.
Our guest has every man's dream come true.
Her complexion looks like it was kissed by moon drops.
Oh, the cruel unfairness of it all.
Never to see a girl again.
Never to kiss a girl again.
Oh, Jerry.
And just when I was learning to use both lips.
Jerry, since you're convinced you're gonna die
and never see a girl again,
your last look is gonna be terrific.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's a chance for you also to help us welcome
the beautiful, charming, and exciting star,
Miss Joanne Drew.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joanne.
Thank you.
Thank you, Dean.
Nice to see you, Joanne.
Say, what's with Jerry?
He has such a strange expression on his strange face.
Miss Drew, this is no time for levity.
My days are numbered.
Jerry, you're mistaken about all this.
No, I'm not.
The symptoms are all too evident.
Too, too evident.
All day long, I've been seeing black spots
and white spots in front of my eyes.
Oh, my goodness.
Didn't you see a doctor?
No, just black spots and white spots.
Jerry, you're wrong.
No, I'm not.
Just look at my skin.
It's the color of the cement in front of
Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Well, so what?
Lots of people have skin the color of the cement
in front of Grauman's.
With footprints in it?
Jerry, you know, I got an idea.
Why don't you go out to your uncle's ranch
in Montana?
Oh, that sounds like a great idea.
I'll bet it's really invigorating out there.
They say the air in Montana is so intoxicating.
When you breathe it, it's like breathing wine.
Oh, no wonder my uncle joined Air Anonymous.
Jerry, on the ranch, you can get lots of fresh milk.
That's right, and milk builds bones.
Then how come cows are so flabby?
Oh, Jerry, milk is full of vitamins.
Vitamins?
Yes, A, B, C, D, E.
She can't even spell vitamins.
It will also help that cellar complexion of yours.
Now, look what milk has done for my skin.
Every morning I take a milk bath.
Last time I was at the ranch, I took milk showers.
That's ridiculous.
How could you take milk showers?
Tall cows.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Believe me, Jerry, the thing for you to do
is spend a few weeks on your uncle's ranch.
Oh, I can't go back there.
My uncle hates me.
At breakfast, he used to take a knife and fork
and try to cut up my pancakes for me.
Well, Jerry, if he tried to cut up your pancakes,
that shows he likes you.
After I ate him?
No, no.
Well, since you're not welcome at the ranch,
the best thing for you to do is take it easy.
Stop running around at night.
Stay home and watch television.
You'll find it very relaxing, Jerry.
Oh, I do enjoy television,
especially on cold, wintry nights.
Oh, then you do watch it.
No, I wore my feet on the tubes.
What you ought to do, Jerry,
is climb into your Snuggies
and watch the Late Late Late Show.
That's not for me.
I saw a movie on TV last night.
Believe me, I was disgusted.
Disgusted?
Just when the commercials started to get interesting,
some wise guy interrupted with a picture.
Well, of course, there are very few activities
without commercials nowadays.
You know, if this isn't controlled,
I can imagine what'll happen.
You don't have to imagine, Joni.
That's what our play is about tonight.
Fanneman, come here and take over.
Right, Dean.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know,
almost everything today is sponsored.
Thank heaven.
And so tonight, we'd like to show you
what might conceivably happen
during an operation in a hospital
if it, too, were commercially sponsored.
Well, we're all set for the operation.
Is my assistant ready?
Yes, Doctor.
Very well.
Foreseps.
Suture.
Fine.
Now I'm ready to carve.
Doctor, aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yes.
Patient.
Yeah.
Ready, patient.
Here I am.
Oh, Doctor, I'm so frightened.
This is my first operation.
Then we're all leaving.
This is my first, too.
Oh, no.
Oh, he's just kidding, ma'am.
If you want to find out how successful
Dr. Lewis has been, contact his last patient.
Yes, just write to Sam Frumkus, box 42.
Box 42?
Forest Lawn, California.
And now for the incision.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the first three inches of this incision
are brought to you by the makers of Gloppo Hair Tonic,
the hair tonic that doesn't pour.
It glops.
Now a word from one of our satisfied movie stars,
Mr. Kerry Grunt.
Gloppo Hair Tonic grows hair faster
than anything I've ever tried.
I bought a bottle of Gloppo Hair Tonic,
pulled the cork out with my teeth,
and the next morning I had a mustache on me tongue.
Laughter
Applause
And now, back to our operation.
I'll be sawing you
in all the old familiar places.
Laughter
Clamps, scalpel, blindfold.
Doctor, is the blindfold for me?
No, for me.
I can't stand a sight of blood.
Laughter
And now I must hurry with the operation.
I'm double parked.
Rozing down the liver on a sunny day.
Laughter
We interrupt to bring you a message
from another one of our co-sponsors,
the manufacturers of Burr food freezers.
And here's a word from the president
of the Burr food freezer company.
Evening, friends.
My name is Harold J. Burr.
Laughter
Now, if you purchase one of our food freezers,
we will stock it for you absolutely free
with the following item.
300 pounds of choice lizard gizzard.
Laughter
200 pounds of frog's legs taken from frogs
who walk on their hands.
Laughter
And 12 dozen kangaroo patties
individually wrapped in their own pouches.
Laughter
Also, three and a quarter miles of giraffe neck.
Laughter
And as an added inducement
to all you cannibal kiddies in Africa,
two dozen frozen explorers on a stick.
Laughter
As a free gift from the Burr food freezer company,
the first three million ladies who call in
will receive absolutely free
a beautiful hand-stitched parachute harness.
Laughter
If you live in the Hollywood area,
the number to call is Granite 647-989-3621-9483.
I repeat,
that number is wet to 620059.
Now, don't forget, folks,
if you'd like some information about our freezer,
call Citrus 1357.
Laughter
If you live in Egypt,
the number to call is Sandoon 164.
Laughter
In Germany, the number is Gesundheit 1367.
Laughter
And in Switzerland, it's Alp 213.
Laughter
And now,
laughter
back to our operation.
Doctor, all the lights went out in the operating room.
Quick, Dr. Martin, get me a candle.
But, Doc, you can't operate with a candle.
Yes, I can. Get me one with a sharp whip.
Oh.
Laughter
Hey, Dr. Lewis, the patient is getting violent.
It took three of us to take her temperature.
Three?
Yeah, two to hold her mouth open
and one to pull the thermometer off the wall.
Laughter
Let me see that thermometer.
Mmm.
Complications have set in.
What am I suffering from?
A rare case of snow followed by rain.
Laughter
You should have given her an injection of penicillin.
We're all out of penicillin.
I gave you the next best thing.
What's that?
A shot of moldy bread.
Laughter
Isn't that quick thinking?
Laughter
Dr. Lewis.
Dr. Lewis, when I come out of this, can I have a private room?
No.
Is that clear?
Laughter
You're very crowded in this hospital.
I'll have to put you in with eight other women.
You mean eight in a room?
No, eight in a bed.
Laughter
Now I must continue with the operation.
Folks.
Laughter
Folks, we'll get back to our operation
after a brief message from another one of our sponsors.
The biggest used car dealers in Southern California.
The Smiling Schmoes.
Laughter
Evening friends.
I'm Sam Smiling.
And I'm Irving Schmoe.
Laughter
We have 3,000 fine used cars for you on a lot 9 feet by 12.
Laughter
9 feet by 12?
That's right.
We pile them on top of each other.
Oh.
Laughter
We can sell our cars cheaper than anybody else for one simple reason.
They're stolen.
Laughter
Well, here we are.
Here we have a real clean 1904 super deluxe snark.
Laughter
This is an ideal transportation car.
You can always take it to work if you live around a corner.
Laughter
It has chrome wheels, chrome bumpers, chrome fenders.
As a matter of fact, this is the chromiest car you've ever seen.
Laughter
And this car is only 1,200 down.
That's not dollars at speed.
It fell into a coal mine.
Laughter
And now, back to the conclusion of our operation.
Ready to continue, Doc?
Yes.
Oh, give me something to dismember you, Doc.
Laughter
Doctor, Doctor, please stop.
Tell me, Doctor, after the operation will the scar show?
Honey, that depends on you.
Laughter
Don't worry, Miss.
The last patient the doctor had was a fan dancer.
Yeah, and she wanted the scar where it wouldn't show.
Well, what did you do, Doctor?
I operated on her sister.
Laughter
Applause
Chesterfield is best for you.
Listen to Chesterfield's record.
For a full year and two months, a doctor has been making regular examinations of a group of Chesterfield smokers.
And he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfields.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
First with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Chesterfield.
First choice with Young America.
And that's from a survey of 274 colleges and universities.
Try Chesterfields today.
Remember, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
You know, friends, Jerry and I feel that we owe a sincere vote of thanks to all your wonderful people who have visited your neighborhood theaters to see our latest picture of the stooge.
Believe us, your tops in our books.
And now here's a song that's tops in our books.
Do not forsake me, oh my darling, on this our wedding day.
Do not forsake me, oh my darling, wait, wait along.
I do not know what fate awaits me.
I only know I must be brave.
And I must face a man who hates me.
Or lie a coward, a craven coward, or lie a coward in my grave.
Oh, to be torn, twixed, love, and do, he's supposed, and I'd lose my fair hair beauty. Look at that big hand move along, never and I knew.
He made a vow while in the space prison, while it would be my life for his and I'm not afraid of death but oh, what will I do?
If you leave me, do not forsake me, oh my darling.
You made that promise as a bride.
Do not forsake me, oh my darling.
Now although you're grieving, don't think of leaving now that I need you by my side.
Wait along, wait along, wait along, wait along.
You really sang that beautifully, Dean.
Oh, thanks, Joanie.
Jerry, how come you don't do any singing on this program?
Oh, I used to but I can't anymore because of my condition. I have an upside down stomach.
Well, that's terrible, Jerry. How did you ever get an upside down stomach?
My singing turned it.
Jerry, Jerry, no slight intended but I think it's time for me to be leaving now.
Sorry to see you go but sure glad you could be here, Joanne.
Yes, Miss Drew, you certainly made our night brighter.
Thanks, it was great fun. Good night, Dean and Jerry.
Good night, Joanne.
Why?
Friends, Dean and I really appreciate hearing from you smokers who have taken our advice and changed to milder Chesterfields.
It's good to know you agree with what we've been saying. Regular or king size, Chesterfield is best for you.
You folks who haven't tried them yet, pick up a carton. They really are mild and they taste great.
You'll like Chesterfields.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, produced and directed by Dick Mack,
written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish, with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Feneman reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on the same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima tips of perfect cork. King size for natural filtering.
Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma. So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima, see how smooth they are.
Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield. Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names.
Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.