WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.000 Transcribed. 00:02.000 --> 00:12.000 Music 00:12.000 --> 00:14.000 Hey Dean, is it time for us to go on yet? 00:14.000 --> 00:15.000 Not just a second, Jerry. 00:15.000 --> 00:16.000 Well, I finished my Chesterfield. 00:16.000 --> 00:17.000 Regular? 00:17.000 --> 00:18.000 No, king size. Why? 00:18.000 --> 00:21.000 Well, in that case, I'll have to wait over a fifth longer for you. 00:21.000 --> 00:22.000 Ha ha ha. 00:22.000 --> 00:25.000 Which means the Chesterfield, 00:25.000 --> 00:29.000 first cigarette with premium quality in both regular and king size, 00:29.000 --> 00:31.000 brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show. 00:31.000 --> 00:39.000 Applause 00:39.000 --> 00:43.000 Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too. 00:43.000 --> 00:45.000 They're today's best cigarette pie. 00:45.000 --> 00:47.000 Come on smokers, why don't you try? 00:47.000 --> 00:48.000 Chesterfield 00:48.000 --> 00:49.000 Best for you 00:49.000 --> 00:50.000 Chesterfield 00:50.000 --> 00:51.000 Best for you 00:51.000 --> 00:53.000 Regular, king size, either way. 00:53.000 --> 00:55.000 Make it Chesterfield today. 00:55.000 --> 01:04.000 Music 01:04.000 --> 01:08.000 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, 01:08.000 --> 01:09.000 Dean Martin. 01:09.000 --> 01:15.000 Applause 01:15.000 --> 01:16.000 Thank you. 01:16.000 --> 01:17.000 Hi there everybody. 01:17.000 --> 01:19.000 Well, it's my favorite night of the week again, 01:19.000 --> 01:22.000 the night when we unwrap another regular and king size show for Chesterfield. 01:22.000 --> 01:26.000 While my partner Jerry is working his way out of his mink-lined straightjacket, 01:26.000 --> 01:28.000 wild horses couldn't keep me from singing wild horses. 01:28.000 --> 01:30.000 Hitch him up rich. 01:30.000 --> 01:39.000 Music 01:39.000 --> 01:42.000 It would take more than a pack of wild horses 01:42.000 --> 01:45.000 Pulling your wagon to keep you from me 01:45.000 --> 01:48.000 It would take more than superior forces 01:48.000 --> 01:52.000 Even a dragon to keep you from me 01:52.000 --> 01:55.000 You can make fools out of other good guessers 01:55.000 --> 01:58.000 Pull them in blinkers, I know where they'd be 01:58.000 --> 02:01.000 It would take schools of the finest professors 02:01.000 --> 02:05.000 Using the thinkers to keep you from me 02:05.000 --> 02:11.000 What a sight you are, how bright you are, you glow 02:11.000 --> 02:16.000 Take that sight away, and right away I'd go 02:16.000 --> 02:20.000 Straight to your door over obstacle courses 02:20.000 --> 02:23.000 Maybe I'm ragging, but surely you'd see 02:23.000 --> 02:26.000 It would take more than a pack of wild horses 02:26.000 --> 02:29.000 Pulling your wagon to keep you from me 02:29.000 --> 02:33.000 Nothing can keep you from me 02:33.000 --> 02:47.000 Music 02:47.000 --> 02:50.000 It would take more than a pack of wild horses 02:50.000 --> 02:53.000 Pulling your wagon to keep you from me 02:53.000 --> 02:56.000 It would take more than superior forces 02:56.000 --> 02:59.000 Even a dragon to keep you from me 02:59.000 --> 03:02.000 Nothing can keep you from me 03:02.000 --> 03:08.000 Nothing can keep you from me 03:08.000 --> 03:15.000 Applause 03:15.000 --> 03:19.000 Thank you 03:19.000 --> 03:20.000 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen 03:20.000 --> 03:21.000 Now I have an announcement to make 03:21.000 --> 03:23.000 We've had quite a few requests from people 03:23.000 --> 03:25.000 all over the country for pictures of Jerry and myself 03:25.000 --> 03:28.000 And so I'd like to tell all you people who want pictures 03:28.000 --> 03:29.000 There's only one thing to do 03:29.000 --> 03:31.000 Send us a camera, we'll take some 03:31.000 --> 03:33.000 And that's Jerry Lewis 03:33.000 --> 03:41.000 Applause 03:41.000 --> 03:43.000 Now Jerry, about those pictures 03:43.000 --> 03:45.000 Jerry laughs 03:45.000 --> 03:46.000 What are you laughing at, Jerry? 03:46.000 --> 03:48.000 A riddle I made up this morning 03:48.000 --> 03:50.000 Jerry laughs 03:50.000 --> 03:51.000 Why are you laughing now? 03:51.000 --> 03:52.000 I just got it 03:52.000 --> 03:53.000 Oh 03:53.000 --> 03:55.000 It must be a real comical one 03:55.000 --> 03:56.000 Oh indeedy dee, it is 03:56.000 --> 03:57.000 Here's the riddle 03:57.000 --> 03:58.000 Dean 03:58.000 --> 03:59.000 Yes 03:59.000 --> 04:03.000 What's the difference? 04:03.000 --> 04:05.000 Jerry, didn't you leave something out? 04:05.000 --> 04:06.000 Oh yeah 04:06.000 --> 04:08.000 What's the difference between? 04:08.000 --> 04:10.000 Between what? 04:10.000 --> 04:11.000 Oh no, you don't, Dean Martin 04:11.000 --> 04:15.000 I don't give any hints 04:15.000 --> 04:16.000 Well, you got to give me at least one hint 04:16.000 --> 04:18.000 All righty, Dean 04:18.000 --> 04:22.000 What's the difference between a piano? 04:22.000 --> 04:23.000 What's the difference between a piano? 04:23.000 --> 04:25.000 Now that's idiotic 04:25.000 --> 04:27.000 No, but you're warm 04:27.000 --> 04:29.000 Jerry, you're crazy 04:29.000 --> 04:32.000 You guessed it 04:32.000 --> 04:33.000 Look, Jerry 04:33.000 --> 04:35.000 I'll give you an example of a real riddle 04:35.000 --> 04:36.000 Are you ready? 04:36.000 --> 04:38.000 Gee, that's a tough one 04:38.000 --> 04:42.000 Jerry laughs 04:42.000 --> 04:43.000 I didn't start yet, Jerry 04:43.000 --> 04:44.000 Oh, Dean 04:44.000 --> 04:46.000 I wish you'd teach me how to be a funny storyteller 04:46.000 --> 04:47.000 When I go to the parties 04:47.000 --> 04:49.000 The only way I can entertain is to play the piano 04:49.000 --> 04:51.000 Well, it's always nice to have somebody at a party who can play the piano 04:51.000 --> 04:54.000 Yeah, but after a couple of hours of playing my toes get tired 04:54.000 --> 04:55.000 Oh 04:55.000 --> 04:57.000 Jerry, you play the piano with your toes 04:57.000 --> 04:58.000 What do you do with your fingers? 04:58.000 --> 04:59.000 Stick them in my ears 04:59.000 --> 05:03.000 I can't stand my playing 05:03.000 --> 05:06.000 Jerry, storytelling calls for a certain talent 05:06.000 --> 05:08.000 In other words, storytellers are born 05:08.000 --> 05:09.000 Then it should be easy for me 05:09.000 --> 05:10.000 I was born 05:10.000 --> 05:11.000 Naturally 05:11.000 --> 05:16.000 Of course, who's born with clothes on? 05:16.000 --> 05:18.000 Okay, you were born 05:18.000 --> 05:19.000 And I remember it so well, Dean 05:19.000 --> 05:21.000 It was a long time ago on a Monday night 05:21.000 --> 05:23.000 No, it was a Wednesday night 05:23.000 --> 05:25.000 On second thought, it was a Thursday night 05:25.000 --> 05:26.000 Oh, who cares? 05:26.000 --> 05:27.000 Maybe you were born on a Tuesday night 05:27.000 --> 05:29.000 Now that's ridiculous, isn't it, Dean? 05:29.000 --> 05:31.000 You know on Tuesday nights I'm always broadcasting 05:31.000 --> 05:33.000 Laughter 05:33.000 --> 05:34.000 That's right, that's right 05:34.000 --> 05:36.000 I keep forgetting 05:36.000 --> 05:38.000 Of course, I could have been born transcribed, though 05:38.000 --> 05:39.000 Oh, Jerry 05:39.000 --> 05:41.000 To be released at a more convenient time 05:41.000 --> 05:42.000 Jerry 05:42.000 --> 05:44.000 Laughter 05:44.000 --> 05:50.000 Now Jerry, the best way to be a good storyteller is to talk about strange or funny things that happen to you 05:50.000 --> 05:54.000 You mean like the time I was drinking a malted to gain weight and somebody slapped me on the back? 05:54.000 --> 05:56.000 That's a funny experience 05:56.000 --> 05:57.000 Sure was 05:57.000 --> 05:59.000 It took three men to pull me out of the straw 05:59.000 --> 06:05.000 Laughter 06:05.000 --> 06:06.000 Jerry 06:06.000 --> 06:08.000 Laughter 06:08.000 --> 06:10.000 It's okay to exaggerate a little 06:10.000 --> 06:12.000 Oh, but don't overdo it 06:12.000 --> 06:14.000 Laughter 06:14.000 --> 06:18.000 Then maybe I can tell about the strange experience I had last year when I went to Europe on a Normandy 06:18.000 --> 06:20.000 Jerry, the Normandy sank ten years ago 06:20.000 --> 06:21.000 I better make it another boat 06:21.000 --> 06:22.000 Yeah 06:22.000 --> 06:23.000 Laughter 06:23.000 --> 06:24.000 Exactly, Jerry 06:24.000 --> 06:27.000 When you tell the story of something that happens to you, you're supposed to tell the truth 06:27.000 --> 06:29.000 I'm coming to that part 06:29.000 --> 06:30.000 Okay, I'm waiting 06:30.000 --> 06:35.000 Well, I boarded the boat in New York and it took me five days to get to Europe and 30 seconds to fly back 06:35.000 --> 06:38.000 Five days to get there and only 30 seconds to fly back 06:38.000 --> 06:39.000 Now that's impossible 06:39.000 --> 06:42.000 No, no, no, not when you're suspended, it's a quarter on the dock 06:42.000 --> 06:46.000 Laughter 06:46.000 --> 06:48.000 And this is the truth? 06:48.000 --> 06:49.000 I've got witnesses 06:49.000 --> 06:50.000 What witnesses? 06:50.000 --> 06:51.000 My bare legs 06:51.000 --> 06:52.000 Laughter 06:52.000 --> 06:53.000 That's all well and good, Jerry 06:53.000 --> 06:55.000 But the legs can't talk 06:55.000 --> 06:56.000 Oh, they can so too 06:56.000 --> 06:59.000 I've seen Betty Grable's and I get the message 06:59.000 --> 07:00.000 Laughter 07:00.000 --> 07:15.000 Applause 07:15.000 --> 07:17.000 Years ahead of them all 07:17.000 --> 07:20.000 Chesterfield is years ahead of them all 07:20.000 --> 07:25.000 The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story 07:25.000 --> 07:31.000 Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands 07:31.000 --> 07:39.000 The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows Chesterfield quality highest 07:39.000 --> 07:41.000 Chesterfield quality highest 07:41.000 --> 07:44.000 15% higher than its nearest competitor 07:44.000 --> 07:46.000 Chesterfield quality highest 07:46.000 --> 07:50.000 31% higher than the average of the five other leading brands 07:50.000 --> 07:56.000 Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size 07:56.000 --> 08:00.000 Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this? 08:00.000 --> 08:01.000 Chesterfield 08:01.000 --> 08:05.000 Music 08:05.000 --> 08:09.000 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure now to introduce a brand new song for its debut on the air 08:09.000 --> 08:18.000 And by the way, I happen to be related to this new number because it was written by none other than that very talented piano player of ours, Mr. Lou Brown 08:18.000 --> 08:21.000 It's called The Time Is Now 08:21.000 --> 08:42.000 Music 08:42.000 --> 08:46.000 The time is now 08:46.000 --> 08:50.000 Why must we wait 08:50.000 --> 08:53.000 Tomorrow's down 08:53.000 --> 08:57.000 Maybe too late 08:57.000 --> 09:01.000 So come to me 09:01.000 --> 09:04.000 My love 09:04.000 --> 09:07.000 And be 09:07.000 --> 09:10.000 My love 09:10.000 --> 09:13.000 The time is now 09:13.000 --> 09:16.000 Forget the past 09:16.000 --> 09:19.000 The sands of time 09:19.000 --> 09:22.000 Are falling fast 09:22.000 --> 09:26.000 So hold me tight 09:26.000 --> 09:29.000 My love 09:29.000 --> 09:32.000 This is our night 09:32.000 --> 09:36.000 My love 09:36.000 --> 09:40.000 The world will whirl 09:40.000 --> 09:45.000 On ground until 09:45.000 --> 09:50.000 Your warm embrace 09:50.000 --> 09:53.000 Makes time 09:53.000 --> 09:57.000 Stand still 09:57.000 --> 10:01.000 We never know 10:01.000 --> 10:04.000 What lies ahead 10:04.000 --> 10:08.000 The far horizon 10:08.000 --> 10:11.000 Glows with red 10:11.000 --> 10:15.000 Stars are gone 10:15.000 --> 10:17.000 My love 10:17.000 --> 10:21.000 Hold back the dawn 10:21.000 --> 10:24.000 My love 10:24.000 --> 10:28.000 The time is now 10:28.000 --> 10:35.000 And from now on 10:35.000 --> 10:49.000 Music 10:49.000 --> 10:53.000 We never know 10:53.000 --> 10:56.000 What lies ahead 10:56.000 --> 11:00.000 The far horizon 11:00.000 --> 11:03.000 Glows with red 11:03.000 --> 11:07.000 Stars are gone 11:07.000 --> 11:10.000 My love 11:10.000 --> 11:14.000 Hold back the dawn 11:14.000 --> 11:17.000 My love 11:17.000 --> 11:21.000 The time is now 11:21.000 --> 11:28.000 And from now on 11:28.000 --> 11:38.000 Music 11:38.000 --> 11:48.000 Applause 11:48.000 --> 11:50.000 Now, ladies and gentlemen, 11:50.000 --> 11:52.000 ladies and gentlemen, 11:52.000 --> 11:54.000 it becomes my extremely pleasant task 11:54.000 --> 11:56.000 to introduce our guest. 11:56.000 --> 11:57.000 Tonight we have invited 11:57.000 --> 11:59.000 Dean Dean, the fatal time has come. 11:59.000 --> 12:01.000 I'm gonna die. 12:01.000 --> 12:02.000 I'm gonna die. 12:02.000 --> 12:03.000 Oh, Jerry, stop. 12:03.000 --> 12:05.000 What makes you think you're gonna die? 12:05.000 --> 12:07.000 I just broke my lifetime pen. 12:07.000 --> 12:08.000 Oh. 12:08.000 --> 12:10.000 Oh, please, Jerry. 12:10.000 --> 12:12.000 Please. 12:12.000 --> 12:15.000 I'm trying to make an introduction here. 12:15.000 --> 12:17.000 I'm making an introduction, Jerry. 12:17.000 --> 12:20.000 Our guest has every man's dream come true. 12:20.000 --> 12:23.000 Her complexion looks like it was kissed by moon drops. 12:23.000 --> 12:26.000 Oh, the cruel unfairness of it all. 12:26.000 --> 12:27.000 Never to see a girl again. 12:27.000 --> 12:29.000 Never to kiss a girl again. 12:29.000 --> 12:30.000 Oh, Jerry. 12:30.000 --> 12:33.000 And just when I was learning to use both lips. 12:33.000 --> 12:38.000 Jerry, since you're convinced you're gonna die 12:38.000 --> 12:39.000 and never see a girl again, 12:39.000 --> 12:41.000 your last look is gonna be terrific. 12:41.000 --> 12:42.000 Ladies and gentlemen, 12:42.000 --> 12:44.000 here's a chance for you also to help us welcome 12:44.000 --> 12:47.000 the beautiful, charming, and exciting star, 12:47.000 --> 12:49.000 Miss Joanne Drew. 12:49.000 --> 12:51.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Joanne. 12:51.000 --> 12:56.000 Thank you. 13:04.000 --> 13:05.000 Thank you, Dean. 13:05.000 --> 13:06.000 Nice to see you, Joanne. 13:06.000 --> 13:08.000 Say, what's with Jerry? 13:08.000 --> 13:12.000 He has such a strange expression on his strange face. 13:12.000 --> 13:14.000 Miss Drew, this is no time for levity. 13:14.000 --> 13:17.000 My days are numbered. 13:17.000 --> 13:19.000 Jerry, you're mistaken about all this. 13:19.000 --> 13:20.000 No, I'm not. 13:20.000 --> 13:21.000 The symptoms are all too evident. 13:21.000 --> 13:23.000 Too, too evident. 13:23.000 --> 13:25.000 All day long, I've been seeing black spots 13:25.000 --> 13:27.000 and white spots in front of my eyes. 13:27.000 --> 13:28.000 Oh, my goodness. 13:28.000 --> 13:29.000 Didn't you see a doctor? 13:29.000 --> 13:32.000 No, just black spots and white spots. 13:32.000 --> 13:33.000 Jerry, you're wrong. 13:33.000 --> 13:34.000 No, I'm not. 13:34.000 --> 13:35.000 Just look at my skin. 13:35.000 --> 13:37.000 It's the color of the cement in front of 13:37.000 --> 13:39.000 Grauman's Chinese Theater. 13:39.000 --> 13:40.000 Well, so what? 13:40.000 --> 13:41.000 Lots of people have skin the color of the cement 13:41.000 --> 13:43.000 in front of Grauman's. 13:43.000 --> 13:46.000 With footprints in it? 13:46.000 --> 13:47.000 Jerry, you know, I got an idea. 13:47.000 --> 13:49.000 Why don't you go out to your uncle's ranch 13:49.000 --> 13:50.000 in Montana? 13:50.000 --> 13:52.000 Oh, that sounds like a great idea. 13:52.000 --> 13:54.000 I'll bet it's really invigorating out there. 13:54.000 --> 13:57.000 They say the air in Montana is so intoxicating. 13:57.000 --> 13:59.000 When you breathe it, it's like breathing wine. 13:59.000 --> 14:03.000 Oh, no wonder my uncle joined Air Anonymous. 14:03.000 --> 14:07.000 Jerry, on the ranch, you can get lots of fresh milk. 14:07.000 --> 14:09.000 That's right, and milk builds bones. 14:09.000 --> 14:13.000 Then how come cows are so flabby? 14:13.000 --> 14:16.000 Oh, Jerry, milk is full of vitamins. 14:16.000 --> 14:17.000 Vitamins? 14:17.000 --> 14:21.000 Yes, A, B, C, D, E. 14:21.000 --> 14:24.000 She can't even spell vitamins. 14:24.000 --> 14:27.000 It will also help that cellar complexion of yours. 14:27.000 --> 14:29.000 Now, look what milk has done for my skin. 14:29.000 --> 14:31.000 Every morning I take a milk bath. 14:31.000 --> 14:33.000 Last time I was at the ranch, I took milk showers. 14:33.000 --> 14:34.000 That's ridiculous. 14:34.000 --> 14:36.000 How could you take milk showers? 14:36.000 --> 14:37.000 Tall cows. 14:37.000 --> 14:38.000 Oh, oh. 14:38.000 --> 14:40.000 Oh. 14:40.000 --> 14:43.000 Oh. 14:43.000 --> 14:46.000 Believe me, Jerry, the thing for you to do 14:46.000 --> 14:48.000 is spend a few weeks on your uncle's ranch. 14:48.000 --> 14:49.000 Oh, I can't go back there. 14:49.000 --> 14:50.000 My uncle hates me. 14:50.000 --> 14:52.000 At breakfast, he used to take a knife and fork 14:52.000 --> 14:54.000 and try to cut up my pancakes for me. 14:54.000 --> 14:56.000 Well, Jerry, if he tried to cut up your pancakes, 14:56.000 --> 14:57.000 that shows he likes you. 14:57.000 --> 14:58.000 After I ate him? 14:58.000 --> 15:01.000 No, no. 15:01.000 --> 15:03.000 Well, since you're not welcome at the ranch, 15:03.000 --> 15:05.000 the best thing for you to do is take it easy. 15:05.000 --> 15:06.000 Stop running around at night. 15:06.000 --> 15:08.000 Stay home and watch television. 15:08.000 --> 15:10.000 You'll find it very relaxing, Jerry. 15:10.000 --> 15:11.000 Oh, I do enjoy television, 15:11.000 --> 15:13.000 especially on cold, wintry nights. 15:13.000 --> 15:14.000 Oh, then you do watch it. 15:14.000 --> 15:16.000 No, I wore my feet on the tubes. 15:19.000 --> 15:20.000 What you ought to do, Jerry, 15:20.000 --> 15:21.000 is climb into your Snuggies 15:21.000 --> 15:24.000 and watch the Late Late Late Show. 15:24.000 --> 15:25.000 That's not for me. 15:25.000 --> 15:26.000 I saw a movie on TV last night. 15:26.000 --> 15:27.000 Believe me, I was disgusted. 15:27.000 --> 15:28.000 Disgusted? 15:28.000 --> 15:30.000 Just when the commercials started to get interesting, 15:30.000 --> 15:34.000 some wise guy interrupted with a picture. 15:34.000 --> 15:36.000 Well, of course, there are very few activities 15:36.000 --> 15:38.000 without commercials nowadays. 15:38.000 --> 15:40.000 You know, if this isn't controlled, 15:40.000 --> 15:41.000 I can imagine what'll happen. 15:41.000 --> 15:43.000 You don't have to imagine, Joni. 15:43.000 --> 15:45.000 That's what our play is about tonight. 15:45.000 --> 15:47.000 Fanneman, come here and take over. 15:47.000 --> 15:48.000 Right, Dean. 15:48.000 --> 15:50.000 Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, 15:50.000 --> 15:52.000 almost everything today is sponsored. 15:52.000 --> 15:54.000 Thank heaven. 15:54.000 --> 15:56.000 And so tonight, we'd like to show you 15:56.000 --> 15:57.000 what might conceivably happen 15:57.000 --> 15:59.000 during an operation in a hospital 15:59.000 --> 16:01.000 if it, too, were commercially sponsored. 16:05.000 --> 16:06.000 Well, we're all set for the operation. 16:06.000 --> 16:07.000 Is my assistant ready? 16:07.000 --> 16:08.000 Yes, Doctor. 16:08.000 --> 16:09.000 Very well. 16:09.000 --> 16:10.000 Foreseps. 16:10.000 --> 16:11.000 Foreseps. 16:11.000 --> 16:12.000 Suture. 16:12.000 --> 16:13.000 Fine. 16:13.000 --> 16:14.000 Now I'm ready to carve. 16:14.000 --> 16:16.000 Doctor, aren't you forgetting something? 16:16.000 --> 16:17.000 Oh, yes. 16:17.000 --> 16:18.000 Patient. 16:18.000 --> 16:19.000 Yeah. 16:19.000 --> 16:20.000 Ready, patient. 16:20.000 --> 16:21.000 Here I am. 16:21.000 --> 16:22.000 Oh, Doctor, I'm so frightened. 16:22.000 --> 16:23.000 This is my first operation. 16:23.000 --> 16:24.000 Then we're all leaving. 16:24.000 --> 16:25.000 This is my first, too. 16:25.000 --> 16:26.000 Oh, no. 16:26.000 --> 16:28.000 Oh, he's just kidding, ma'am. 16:28.000 --> 16:30.000 If you want to find out how successful 16:30.000 --> 16:33.000 Dr. Lewis has been, contact his last patient. 16:33.000 --> 16:36.000 Yes, just write to Sam Frumkus, box 42. 16:36.000 --> 16:37.000 Box 42? 16:37.000 --> 16:41.000 Forest Lawn, California. 16:41.000 --> 16:44.000 And now for the incision. 16:44.000 --> 16:45.000 Ladies and gentlemen, 16:45.000 --> 16:47.000 the first three inches of this incision 16:47.000 --> 16:50.000 are brought to you by the makers of Gloppo Hair Tonic, 16:50.000 --> 16:53.000 the hair tonic that doesn't pour. 16:53.000 --> 16:55.000 It glops. 16:55.000 --> 16:57.000 Now a word from one of our satisfied movie stars, 16:57.000 --> 17:00.000 Mr. Kerry Grunt. 17:00.000 --> 17:02.000 Gloppo Hair Tonic grows hair faster 17:02.000 --> 17:05.000 than anything I've ever tried. 17:05.000 --> 17:07.000 I bought a bottle of Gloppo Hair Tonic, 17:07.000 --> 17:08.000 pulled the cork out with my teeth, 17:08.000 --> 17:11.000 and the next morning I had a mustache on me tongue. 17:11.000 --> 17:14.000 Laughter 17:14.000 --> 17:21.000 Applause 17:21.000 --> 17:26.000 And now, back to our operation. 17:26.000 --> 17:29.000 I'll be sawing you 17:29.000 --> 17:32.000 in all the old familiar places. 17:32.000 --> 17:33.000 Laughter 17:33.000 --> 17:36.000 Clamps, scalpel, blindfold. 17:36.000 --> 17:39.000 Doctor, is the blindfold for me? 17:39.000 --> 17:40.000 No, for me. 17:40.000 --> 17:41.000 I can't stand a sight of blood. 17:41.000 --> 17:46.000 Laughter 17:46.000 --> 17:48.000 And now I must hurry with the operation. 17:48.000 --> 17:51.000 I'm double parked. 17:51.000 --> 17:55.000 Rozing down the liver on a sunny day. 17:55.000 --> 17:57.000 Laughter 17:57.000 --> 17:59.000 We interrupt to bring you a message 17:59.000 --> 18:01.000 from another one of our co-sponsors, 18:01.000 --> 18:04.000 the manufacturers of Burr food freezers. 18:04.000 --> 18:06.000 And here's a word from the president 18:06.000 --> 18:08.000 of the Burr food freezer company. 18:08.000 --> 18:10.000 Evening, friends. 18:10.000 --> 18:14.000 My name is Harold J. Burr. 18:14.000 --> 18:15.000 Laughter 18:15.000 --> 18:16.000 Now, if you purchase one of our food freezers, 18:16.000 --> 18:19.000 we will stock it for you absolutely free 18:19.000 --> 18:20.000 with the following item. 18:20.000 --> 18:23.000 300 pounds of choice lizard gizzard. 18:23.000 --> 18:25.000 Laughter 18:25.000 --> 18:28.000 200 pounds of frog's legs taken from frogs 18:28.000 --> 18:29.000 who walk on their hands. 18:29.000 --> 18:32.000 Laughter 18:32.000 --> 18:35.000 And 12 dozen kangaroo patties 18:35.000 --> 18:37.000 individually wrapped in their own pouches. 18:37.000 --> 18:39.000 Laughter 18:39.000 --> 18:43.000 Also, three and a quarter miles of giraffe neck. 18:43.000 --> 18:48.000 Laughter 18:48.000 --> 18:50.000 And as an added inducement 18:50.000 --> 18:53.000 to all you cannibal kiddies in Africa, 18:53.000 --> 18:56.000 two dozen frozen explorers on a stick. 18:56.000 --> 19:00.000 Laughter 19:00.000 --> 19:03.000 As a free gift from the Burr food freezer company, 19:03.000 --> 19:05.000 the first three million ladies who call in 19:05.000 --> 19:07.000 will receive absolutely free 19:07.000 --> 19:10.000 a beautiful hand-stitched parachute harness. 19:10.000 --> 19:15.000 Laughter 19:15.000 --> 19:17.000 If you live in the Hollywood area, 19:17.000 --> 19:27.000 the number to call is Granite 647-989-3621-9483. 19:27.000 --> 19:28.000 I repeat, 19:28.000 --> 19:33.000 that number is wet to 620059. 19:33.000 --> 19:35.000 Now, don't forget, folks, 19:35.000 --> 19:37.000 if you'd like some information about our freezer, 19:37.000 --> 19:39.000 call Citrus 1357. 19:39.000 --> 19:42.000 Laughter 19:42.000 --> 19:43.000 If you live in Egypt, 19:43.000 --> 19:46.000 the number to call is Sandoon 164. 19:46.000 --> 19:50.000 Laughter 19:50.000 --> 19:54.000 In Germany, the number is Gesundheit 1367. 19:54.000 --> 19:56.000 Laughter 19:56.000 --> 19:59.000 And in Switzerland, it's Alp 213. 19:59.000 --> 20:04.000 Laughter 20:04.000 --> 20:05.000 And now, 20:05.000 --> 20:07.000 laughter 20:07.000 --> 20:09.000 back to our operation. 20:09.000 --> 20:11.000 Doctor, all the lights went out in the operating room. 20:11.000 --> 20:13.000 Quick, Dr. Martin, get me a candle. 20:13.000 --> 20:15.000 But, Doc, you can't operate with a candle. 20:15.000 --> 20:17.000 Yes, I can. Get me one with a sharp whip. 20:17.000 --> 20:18.000 Oh. 20:18.000 --> 20:19.000 Laughter 20:19.000 --> 20:21.000 Hey, Dr. Lewis, the patient is getting violent. 20:21.000 --> 20:23.000 It took three of us to take her temperature. 20:23.000 --> 20:24.000 Three? 20:23.000 --> 20:25.000 Yeah, two to hold her mouth open 20:25.000 --> 20:27.000 and one to pull the thermometer off the wall. 20:27.000 --> 20:30.000 Laughter 20:30.000 --> 20:32.000 Let me see that thermometer. 20:32.000 --> 20:34.000 Mmm. 20:34.000 --> 20:36.000 Complications have set in. 20:36.000 --> 20:37.000 What am I suffering from? 20:37.000 --> 20:39.000 A rare case of snow followed by rain. 20:39.000 --> 20:41.000 Laughter 20:41.000 --> 20:43.000 You should have given her an injection of penicillin. 20:43.000 --> 20:45.000 We're all out of penicillin. 20:45.000 --> 20:46.000 I gave you the next best thing. 20:46.000 --> 20:47.000 What's that? 20:47.000 --> 20:48.000 A shot of moldy bread. 20:48.000 --> 20:51.000 Laughter 20:51.000 --> 20:53.000 Isn't that quick thinking? 20:53.000 --> 20:55.000 Laughter 20:55.000 --> 20:57.000 Dr. Lewis. 20:57.000 --> 20:59.000 Dr. Lewis, when I come out of this, can I have a private room? 20:59.000 --> 21:01.000 No. 21:01.000 --> 21:02.000 Is that clear? 21:02.000 --> 21:03.000 Laughter 21:03.000 --> 21:04.000 You're very crowded in this hospital. 21:04.000 --> 21:06.000 I'll have to put you in with eight other women. 21:06.000 --> 21:08.000 You mean eight in a room? 21:08.000 --> 21:09.000 No, eight in a bed. 21:09.000 --> 21:11.000 Laughter 21:11.000 --> 21:13.000 Now I must continue with the operation. 21:13.000 --> 21:14.000 Folks. 21:14.000 --> 21:16.000 Laughter 21:16.000 --> 21:18.000 Folks, we'll get back to our operation 21:18.000 --> 21:20.000 after a brief message from another one of our sponsors. 21:20.000 --> 21:23.000 The biggest used car dealers in Southern California. 21:23.000 --> 21:25.000 The Smiling Schmoes. 21:25.000 --> 21:26.000 Laughter 21:26.000 --> 21:27.000 Evening friends. 21:27.000 --> 21:28.000 I'm Sam Smiling. 21:28.000 --> 21:29.000 And I'm Irving Schmoe. 21:29.000 --> 21:30.000 Laughter 21:30.000 --> 21:34.000 We have 3,000 fine used cars for you on a lot 9 feet by 12. 21:34.000 --> 21:37.000 Laughter 21:37.000 --> 21:38.000 9 feet by 12? 21:38.000 --> 21:39.000 That's right. 21:39.000 --> 21:40.000 We pile them on top of each other. 21:40.000 --> 21:41.000 Oh. 21:41.000 --> 21:42.000 Laughter 21:42.000 --> 21:44.000 We can sell our cars cheaper than anybody else for one simple reason. 21:44.000 --> 21:45.000 They're stolen. 21:45.000 --> 21:48.000 Laughter 21:48.000 --> 21:53.000 Well, here we are. 21:53.000 --> 21:57.000 Here we have a real clean 1904 super deluxe snark. 21:57.000 --> 21:59.000 Laughter 21:59.000 --> 22:01.000 This is an ideal transportation car. 22:01.000 --> 22:04.000 You can always take it to work if you live around a corner. 22:04.000 --> 22:08.000 Laughter 22:08.000 --> 22:11.000 It has chrome wheels, chrome bumpers, chrome fenders. 22:11.000 --> 22:14.000 As a matter of fact, this is the chromiest car you've ever seen. 22:14.000 --> 22:16.000 Laughter 22:16.000 --> 22:19.000 And this car is only 1,200 down. 22:19.000 --> 22:20.000 That's not dollars at speed. 22:20.000 --> 22:22.000 It fell into a coal mine. 22:22.000 --> 22:27.000 Laughter 22:27.000 --> 22:31.000 And now, back to the conclusion of our operation. 22:31.000 --> 22:33.000 Ready to continue, Doc? 22:33.000 --> 22:34.000 Yes. 22:34.000 --> 22:37.000 Oh, give me something to dismember you, Doc. 22:37.000 --> 22:39.000 Laughter 22:39.000 --> 22:40.000 Doctor, Doctor, please stop. 22:40.000 --> 22:44.000 Tell me, Doctor, after the operation will the scar show? 22:44.000 --> 22:46.000 Honey, that depends on you. 22:46.000 --> 22:51.000 Laughter 22:51.000 --> 22:52.000 Don't worry, Miss. 22:52.000 --> 22:55.000 The last patient the doctor had was a fan dancer. 22:55.000 --> 22:58.000 Yeah, and she wanted the scar where it wouldn't show. 22:58.000 --> 22:59.000 Well, what did you do, Doctor? 22:59.000 --> 23:00.000 I operated on her sister. 23:00.000 --> 23:02.000 Laughter 23:02.000 --> 23:13.000 Applause 23:13.000 --> 23:16.000 Chesterfield is best for you. 23:16.000 --> 23:18.000 Listen to Chesterfield's record. 23:18.000 --> 23:24.000 For a full year and two months, a doctor has been making regular examinations of a group of Chesterfield smokers. 23:24.000 --> 23:31.000 And he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfields. 23:31.000 --> 23:35.000 Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this? 23:35.000 --> 23:36.000 Chesterfield. 23:36.000 --> 23:40.000 First with premium quality in both regular and king size. 23:40.000 --> 23:42.000 Chesterfield. 23:42.000 --> 23:44.000 First choice with Young America. 23:44.000 --> 23:48.000 And that's from a survey of 274 colleges and universities. 23:48.000 --> 23:51.000 Try Chesterfields today. 23:51.000 --> 23:55.000 Remember, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy. 23:55.000 --> 24:04.000 You know, friends, Jerry and I feel that we owe a sincere vote of thanks to all your wonderful people who have visited your neighborhood theaters to see our latest picture of the stooge. 24:04.000 --> 24:06.000 Believe us, your tops in our books. 24:06.000 --> 24:08.000 And now here's a song that's tops in our books. 24:08.000 --> 24:30.000 Do not forsake me, oh my darling, on this our wedding day. 24:30.000 --> 24:44.000 Do not forsake me, oh my darling, wait, wait along. 24:44.000 --> 24:52.000 I do not know what fate awaits me. 24:52.000 --> 25:00.000 I only know I must be brave. 25:00.000 --> 25:07.000 And I must face a man who hates me. 25:07.000 --> 25:23.000 Or lie a coward, a craven coward, or lie a coward in my grave. 25:23.000 --> 25:37.000 Oh, to be torn, twixed, love, and do, he's supposed, and I'd lose my fair hair beauty. Look at that big hand move along, never and I knew. 25:37.000 --> 25:51.000 He made a vow while in the space prison, while it would be my life for his and I'm not afraid of death but oh, what will I do? 25:51.000 --> 26:03.000 If you leave me, do not forsake me, oh my darling. 26:03.000 --> 26:10.000 You made that promise as a bride. 26:10.000 --> 26:17.000 Do not forsake me, oh my darling. 26:17.000 --> 26:33.000 Now although you're grieving, don't think of leaving now that I need you by my side. 26:33.000 --> 26:58.000 Wait along, wait along, wait along, wait along. 27:03.000 --> 27:09.000 You really sang that beautifully, Dean. 27:09.000 --> 27:10.000 Oh, thanks, Joanie. 27:10.000 --> 27:14.000 Jerry, how come you don't do any singing on this program? 27:14.000 --> 27:18.000 Oh, I used to but I can't anymore because of my condition. I have an upside down stomach. 27:18.000 --> 27:22.000 Well, that's terrible, Jerry. How did you ever get an upside down stomach? 27:22.000 --> 27:28.000 My singing turned it. 27:28.000 --> 27:38.000 Jerry, Jerry, no slight intended but I think it's time for me to be leaving now. 27:38.000 --> 27:41.000 Sorry to see you go but sure glad you could be here, Joanne. 27:41.000 --> 27:43.000 Yes, Miss Drew, you certainly made our night brighter. 27:43.000 --> 27:45.000 Thanks, it was great fun. Good night, Dean and Jerry. 27:45.000 --> 27:46.000 Good night, Joanne. 27:46.000 --> 27:47.000 Good night, Joanne. 27:47.000 --> 28:01.000 Why? 28:01.000 --> 28:06.000 Friends, Dean and I really appreciate hearing from you smokers who have taken our advice and changed to milder Chesterfields. 28:06.000 --> 28:11.000 It's good to know you agree with what we've been saying. Regular or king size, Chesterfield is best for you. 28:11.000 --> 28:16.000 You folks who haven't tried them yet, pick up a carton. They really are mild and they taste great. 28:16.000 --> 28:17.000 You'll like Chesterfields. 28:17.000 --> 28:19.000 So until next week, this is Dean Martin. 28:19.000 --> 28:33.000 And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody. 28:33.000 --> 28:39.000 From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, produced and directed by Dick Mack, 28:39.000 --> 28:45.000 written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish, with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel. 28:45.000 --> 28:51.000 And this is George Feneman reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on the same NBC station. 28:51.000 --> 28:59.000 Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima tips of perfect cork. King size for natural filtering. 28:59.000 --> 29:06.000 Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma. So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. 29:06.000 --> 29:10.000 Fatima, see how smooth they are. 29:10.000 --> 29:25.000 Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield. Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names. 29:25.000 --> 29:40.000 Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.