Transcribed.
Oh, George, you shouldn't have walked between Jerry and me.
Oh, I'm sorry, fellas.
We'll fix it.
Bread and butter, Dean.
Bread and butter.
What goes up the chimney?
Smoke.
What do you smoke?
Chesterfield.
Right, and that's our bread and butter.
Which means the Chesterfield.
And the best cigarette with premium quality in both regular and king size brings you the
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Chesterfield is best for you.
Much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette pie.
Come on, smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular king size either way.
Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Hi, everybody.
Well, it's broadcast time again.
We're all set to hold up our mad musical powwow.
My wild Indian partner, Crazy Head Jerry, is in his wigwam sending up Chesterfield smoke
signals, but he'll soon be here whooping it up with me side by side.
In the meantime, Big Chief Richard, that's your musical cue to strike up the music.
Oh, we got a barrel of money.
Maybe we'll rag it in funny.
But we'll travel along singing a song side by side.
We don't know what's coming tomorrow.
Maybe it's trouble and sorrow.
But we'll travel the road sharing our load side by side.
Through all kinds of weather, what if the sky should fall just as long as we're together?
It doesn't matter, matter at all.
When they've all had their quarrels and parted, we'll be the same as we started just to traveling
along singing a song side by side.
Through all kinds of weather, what if the sky should fall just as long as we're together?
It doesn't matter, matter at all.
When they've all had their quarrels and parted, we'll be the same as we started just to traveling
along singing a song side by side.
Yeah!
Thank you so much.
And now comes the time to introduce my partner.
You know, Jerry and I have been together for a long, long time.
I remember the first time I met him, I was working by myself, when a young boy came up
to me and said,
Need any help digging those ditches, mister?
All right, Jerry.
So I dug ditches before I met you.
That's because my family was very poor.
So what?
My family was poorer.
Why, when I graduated from public school, my mother didn't get me long pants like the
other kids had.
What'd she do?
She let down the hem on my diaper.
Oh.
That may be so, but you were rich compared to us.
Why, my mother had 10 miles to feed.
No fooling.
I thought the other nine were wrinkles.
We were much poorer than your family, Jerry.
Why, five of us kids had to sleep in the bureau.
Well, the least happy had drawers.
You still insist you had a tougher, eh?
Oh, and dee dee dee, I dee dee do.
In fact, Dean, there were 17 of us and we all slept on the floor.
That must have been quite a sight.
I'll say.
Did you ever see a room with wall-to-wall people?
Never.
If this is going to be a contest about poverty, I must warn you, you're talking to a real
bum.
Why, in order to make ends meet, my mother had to take in sewing.
You think that's something?
My poor old mother had to take in washing.
Well, lots of mothers take in washing.
Cars?
Never.
How could your mother wash cars in the house?
Dean Martin, we may have been poor, but we had a very large sink.
I'm surprised she didn't use the bathtub.
That's ridiculous, Dean.
She couldn't have used the bathtub to wash cars.
That was full of buses.
Oh.
So your mother washed buses in the bathtub.
And she used nothing but halo shampoo.
Why not plain soap?
Don't you realize Dean Martin, soaping dulls buses halo glorifies them?
I just hate myself for forgetting.
So your mother washed cars.
Yeah.
Well, doggone it.
How about that?
Oh, I was a miserable child.
But I bet I was miserabler than you as a child.
I was a dirty filthy kid.
Look at that big shot bragging.
Why I was filthier than you'll ever be.
Oh yeah?
Well, then top this if you can.
I wore clothes with patches on them.
I wore patches with clothes on them.
I can still prove I was poorer than you.
Want to compare socks?
Okay, smart aleck.
I'll take you on.
Okay.
When I was a kid, I had only one pair of socks.
Pair?
You had two socks?
Well, naturally.
I had two feet.
You had two feet?
Sure.
Everybody's born with two feet.
I was born with only one.
We were very poor.
Okay.
You beat me on socks.
You want to try for shoes?
Okay.
This guy's a sucker for punishment.
Now, we'll see.
My shoes had a hole in the sole the size of a quarter.
In my shoes, the holes were the size of a half dollar.
So what?
Lots of people have holes in their shoes the size of a half dollar.
In pennies?
Give up, boobie.
Let's try shirts.
When I was a kid, Jerry, I wore shirts made out of flower sacks.
I used to wear shirts made out of bags of vigoro.
Vigoro?
Oh yes, on warm days.
Oh, on those warm days, I used to break out in grass.
Shall we have a go at hunger, old chap?
Splendid.
All right, top this.
We Martins were really a starved bunch.
When our family sat around the dinner table, it was a stable coming thing.
You know, we Martins were really a starved bunch.
When our family sat around the dinner table, anything that even looked like food, we ate.
After we finished dinner, mother used to count the kids.
Your turn, sweetie.
Okay, Fink.
All our spare money went to pay doctor bills for grandpa.
We had a bar to pay doctor bills for my grandfather.
He suffered from a rare disease, curfew legs.
Your grandfather had curfew legs?
At 10 o'clock, all the joints closed up.
Why should I argue with you?
I must be stupid.
You're stupid?
Why, I'm so stupid.
That's all.
I give up.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all.
The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story.
Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading
cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows
Chesterfield quality highest.
Chesterfield quality highest.
15% higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
31% higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
You know folks, if I could write a book I'd dedicate it to all the wonderful audiences,
radio, television, motion picture who have received Jerry and me with such great enthusiasm.
But since my voice is mightier than my pen, I think I'll sing it instead.
If they asked me, I could write a book.
About the way you walk and whisper and look.
I could write a preface on how we met.
So the world would never forget.
And the simple secret of the plot.
Was just to tell them that I love you a lot.
And the world discovered as my book ends how to make two lovers a friend.
Then the world discovered as my book ends how to make two lovers a friend.
How to make two lovers a friend.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well friends, I'd like you to meet our guest for tonight.
He's a chap I've known for a long, long time.
I've known him for even longer.
He used to go up to the bowling alley where I was the head pin boy.
Okay, so you were the head pin boy.
This fella is a famous movie star.
Every time he came to the bowling alley he used to ask for me.
Oh Jerry.
He used to say, where's Pinhead Lewis?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a great guy and a mighty fine actor.
You can look forward to seeing him soon starring in the Herbert J. Yates production, Fair Winter
Java.
Here he is, that man among men and a greater man among women, Mr. Fred McMurray.
Thank you.
Hiya Dean.
Hi Fred.
Say, if that microphone isn't high enough you can raise it.
Oh thanks, I think I will raise it.
It's stuck.
Get your hands off my neck.
That's the microphone over there, Freddy.
Oh.
Freddy, this is my partner Jerry Lewis.
This is a human being I'm looking at.
Here now take heed Mr. McMurray.
I may be feuding an ee-beak and a skinny marine, but the last one who insulted my physique
was beaten within an inch of her life.
Her?
You mean you fought a girl?
I didn't know her well enough to wrestle.
Fred, Jerry told me he met you once before, is that true?
Well he does look familiar, but uh, wait a minute.
Jerry didn't I see you the time I went abalone fishing?
No.
That's funny, I could have sworn I scraped something like you off a rock.
That's possible Fred.
That's possible there, but I-
Wait a minute, wait a minute Dean.
Now let me see now.
Look, Jerry, did you ever model labels for an iodine company?
No.
Is that clear?
No.
K-N-O-E.
No.
Fred, I'll give you a hint.
Jerry claims he met you in a bowling alley.
Now I remember.
I knew it.
This is the stupid, moronic, idiotic, impacillic pin boy.
Glory be, he remembers me.
Well I'm glad that settles.
You know Fred, I envy your career in pictures, making love to all those beautiful stars.
Well Dean, it's not as great as it's cracked up to be, you know.
All day long you make love to Barbara Stanwyck, then you go home, and all day, next day you
make love to Eleanor Parker, then you go home, then you make love to Claudette Cobain, then
you go home.
What don't you like about it?
Going home.
Oh I figured.
At least you don't meet these women only in your dreams like I do.
Every night I dream that there's nothing but beautiful women left in the whole world and
I'm the only man.
Well that sounds great.
What great?
I'm 82 years old.
Now believe me fellas, fame in pictures is fleeting.
You know that's why I invested my money in a cattle breeding ranch.
Hey Jerry, that's what you ought to do, breed cattle.
I can't, my nostrils aren't wide enough.
Now Jerry, Jerry what Dean means is that I go in for animal husbandry.
Animal husbandry?
You mean you have a lonely hearts club for cows?
No, it's experimental work, Jerry.
Fred went to school and studied animals.
A likely story.
What do you mean a likely story?
I did too go to school and study animals.
Okay, let's see you say something in horse.
Jerry will you stop?
Yeah, now look Jerry, I don't talk horse but I can tell you about my breeding experiments
with other animals.
I once crossed a cow with a sheep.
A cow and a sheep, what'd you get?
Woolen milk.
Oh.
You think that's something?
My uncle once crossed a mouse with an elephant.
What'd he get?
A rat that never forgets.
What's a rat got to remember?
My experiment with cattle breeding has really paid off, you know.
It's not like it used to be in the old days when we had to drive the cattle thousands
of miles to market.
Yeah, we owe a great deal of thanks to the people who built the railroads across this
country.
We can't thank them in person but we can thank them for the sketch.
Penman?
Yes, Dean.
Start thanking.
Thank you, Dean.
Forget it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chesterfield players present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and Fred
McMurray in a regular saga of the king-sized men who built the first regular railroad across
our king-sized continent.
It's the story of regular cattlemen who welcomed the king-sized railroad and of the very, very
sad Indians who lived a hard and unhappy life entitled Blackfeet, Why Are You Blue?
I'm with the Santa Fe Roadbed Company.
I'm the president, Ralph Roadbed.
This is the only business I've ever known.
I've got railroads in my blood and believe me, it's not good.
Every time I cut myself shaving, I bleed train.
I'm head of the construction crew.
My full name is Sidney Head.
I'm in charge of clearing the land by cutting down the trees.
I work like a beaver and it's not easy.
So far I've worn out four front teeth.
I'm no beginner in the railroad business either.
I go way back.
My name is Ludwig Caboose.
I'm former of the labor gang working out of New York.
Men, we can't lay any more track in this hot sun.
Look at our construction crew.
They're dying like flies.
How come?
They are flies.
You hired flies to build this railroad?
And a shrewd move it was too.
When the road is finished, we won't have to lay them off.
What do we do?
Swat them.
Boss, boss, boss, boss, we'll have to lay our railroad track faster.
I just checked and they're getting ahead of us.
Who's getting ahead of us?
The people putting up the Burma shame signs.
Don't worry.
We'll beat them yet.
We've only been laying this track for three years.
How much track have we laid?
Three inches.
In three years, you've only laid three inches of track?
Men, I may be slow, but I'm neat.
So slowly, but slowly, our track building laborers went on.
We were scheduled to meet the construction crew building eastward from California and
Pismo Beach on New Year's Day.
Onward we built.
New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio.
Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, Texas, Texas, Texas, Texas, New York.
What are you doing back in New York?
Isn't the fair still going on?
At last the day is near.
The great day when both ends of the railroad are to meet.
I'm scared that somebody will beat me to the honor of hammering in the last spike.
I too am scared that somebody will beat me to the honor of hammering in the last spike.
I'm more scared than both of them.
I'm Spike.
Men, for three weeks we've been digging this tunnel through the mud.
I'm ready to quit.
Well, it's a good thing for us.
We found a place to dump all the sand and gravel, huh, boss?
Why don't you say something?
I can't.
My mouth is full of sand and gravel.
Boss, forget this tunnel.
I found a shortcut.
I laid the tracks over that mountain over there.
You must be going crazy.
There is no mountain over there.
There isn't?
Well, don't just stand there, men.
Gather rocks.
Let's quit.
We can't build this railroad any further.
But we must.
We just must.
We just must or bust.
We can't quit when we're so close to our goal.
Look, there's the geyser, Old Faithful.
Yes, and it's shooting water up 5,000 feet.
Man, dig that crazy drinking fountain.
Hey, look.
One of our horses just bent over to take a drink from it.
What happened to the horse?
He's now a giraffe.
That's a yes to yes.
We'd better be careful from now on, men.
We're approaching Indian country.
I can tell by the signs.
What signs?
That one over there.
It says you're now approaching Indian country.
Look, there's a horse.
Look, the Indians know we're here.
They're sending up smog signals.
You mean smoke signals?
These are California Indians.
But why is the smog so black?
They're talking deity.
Ow!
I just got one of the Redskins.
I shot him under the blanket.
Did you kill him?
No, but I knocked him out of bed.
Good.
I just got their leader, Chief Standing Bull.
You mean Sitting Bull.
You don't know your Indians.
You don't know where I got them?
We made it, men.
We made it.
There comes the railroad crew we were supposed to meet.
Hello, East to West.
I'm West to East.
We just finished our end of the railroad.
We just finished ours, too.
Yeah, now somebody better hurry and invent the train.
But look at the track you laid.
It's so thin.
Yeah, we ran out of steel, so we had to use spaghetti.
Yeah, but you'll never get a train to ride over that track.
It's so lumpy.
How do you like that?
We forgot to take out the meatballs.
Chesterfield is best for you.
Listen to Chesterfield's record.
For a full year and two months, a doctor has been making regular examinations of a group
of Chesterfield smokers, and he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses
from smoking Chesterfields.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield, first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Chesterfield, first choice with Young America, and that's from a survey of 274 colleges and
universities.
Try Chesterfields today.
And remember, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
You know, friends, every singer has a metal scrapbook in which he keeps all the songs
that he has ever liked.
And so tonight, I go to the scrapbook for a song that will always be one of my special
favorites.
Alone, alone with the sky of romance above.
Alone, alone on a night there was men for love.
There must be someone waiting who feels the way I do.
Whoever you are, are you, are you alone?
Alone on this night that we too could share.
Alone, alone with your kiss that could make me care.
And when you come, I'll promise to be your very own.
Alone, alone with a heart meant for you.
Alone.
Well, Dean, old pal, that's the kind of singing we ranchers like to hear when we're sitting
around the old bunkhouse.
Well, thanks, partner.
You know, if you boys ever get a weekend off, why don't you come out the ranch?
I'll let you ride one of my horses.
Not me.
The last time I got on a horse, his head fell off.
His head didn't fall off.
You got on the horse backwards.
Oh, and all the time I thought he had long eyelashes.
Well, the offer still goes, fellas.
Give me a buzz when you want to come down, be my guest.
Well, thanks.
That's a mighty good offer.
You've been a mighty good guest for us.
That's right.
Our door is wide open for your return visits any time.
And thanks very much, Fred.
Thanks, Dean.
Thanks, Jerry.
So long, everybody.
Good night, Fred.
Good night.
Good night, Fred.
Remember, friends, chest fill is first with premium quality in both regular and king
size.
And here's another fact you smokers should remember.
The chemical analyses show that of the country's six leading cigarette brands, Chesterfield
quality is highest.
That backs up what we've been telling you.
Chesterfield is best for you.
So try them today.
I know you'll enjoy that Chesterfield mildness.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
God bless you all.
From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, produced
and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish, with music prepared
and conducted by Dick Stabeel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award winning show,
Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station.
Now new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima tips of perfect cork.
King size for natural filtering.
Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima, see how smooth they are.
Remember Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield.
Liget and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names.
This program was transcribed tonight.
And Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.