Transcribe.
Hey, Jerry, got a cigarette?
Have I got a cigarette?
Whoa!
Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield?
I mean Chesterfield.
Well, I'm with you.
Which means the Chesterfield.
First with premium quality and best for you.
Brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Chesterfield is best for you.
Much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette buy.
Come on, smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular king size either way.
Make it Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you and hi there, everyone.
Well, it's time to play ball again for Chesterfield and we're really in there pitching to you.
My personal screwball, Jerry Lewis, will soon be here to bat out the laughs.
So in the meantime, I'll just step up and take a swing at a song.
Come on, Richard, pour over a fast one.
La, la, la, la.
Peshto que bacala.
You're my pasta fazzola.
If you look, I see.
I look, you look.
We look, we see each other.
And what do I see when I look, you look.
I see if we like each other.
Or you make the cook.
I make the sweep.
We keep the house together.
We'll have the kids, a dozen of kids and maybe a dozen or more.
So let's go on, the merry-go-round.
I start to go round together.
I catch the ring to put on your finger.
We have the fun of galore.
Then you look, I see.
I look, you look.
We look, we see each other.
And what do you see when you look, I see.
You see that we like each other.
La, la, la, la.
Peshto que bacala.
La, la, la, la.
You're my bastard asshole.
So let's go on, the bigger the slide.
And make the slide down.
We make the wood.
It feels so good.
When we reach the ground.
Then you look, I see.
I look, you look.
We look, we see each other.
And what do you see when you look, I see.
You see that we like each other.
La, la, la, la.
Peshto que bacala.
La, la, la, la.
You're my bastard asshole.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
And now before we go any further.
Hey, Fenneman, what's all that racket about?
Oh, it's the police, Dean.
Somebody just escaped from a county prison.
An escaped prison?
I wonder who it could be.
Hide me, booby, hide me.
We're Great Land of Caution, it's Jerry Lewis.
Well, Jerry, now don't tell me that you're the one the police are after.
Yes, they think I'm crazy.
I just escaped from Tehachapi.
Tehachapi?
Well, that's a prison full of women.
Full of women?
Then I must be crazy.
Oh, I don't get this at all, Jerry.
What were you sent to prison for in the first place?
Reckless driving.
I got six months for driving across a white line.
Oh, now wait a minute, you can't get six months for driving across a white line.
On a tennis court?
Well, that's different.
Yeah, and another year for driving through two red lights.
A year is rather severe punishment for driving through two red lights.
On the back of a bus?
Oh, man, you had a real crazy busy day.
Oh, I sure have.
Then I made a quick left turn and I got six months for driving behind a motorcycle cop all the way to Santa Monica.
Now that is ridiculous.
Well, why would you want to follow a cop all the way to Santa Monica?
He was on my bumper.
Oh, my God.
Well, even with all those traffic violations, Jerry,
I can't understand why a judge would send you to a place like Tehachapi.
He said if I'm going to drive like a woman, I'm going to be treated like a woman.
But you couldn't stand it in prison, so you escaped, huh?
Oh, yeah, boy.
I just couldn't go through life being convict number 63482.
Uh-huh.
9137869121933.
Jerry.
Seven.
Thank goodness.
Junior.
Junior?
Yeah, I was named after Dad.
Poor Dad.
Oh, poor Dad.
Oh, I was named after Dad.
Oh, poor Dad.
Oh, Dad was poor.
Well, they sent him to prison for something he didn't do.
What didn't he do?
He didn't pay his income tax.
Jerry, Tehachapi is a very well-guarded prison.
How did you manage to escape from your cell?
I was a clever, clever one.
Why, all week I didn't shave.
And then last night when the guards weren't looking, I stuck my head out of the window.
Yeah.
And climbed down my beard.
Oh, that was quick think.
There I was halfway down my beard.
I had gotten as far as my Adam's apple, and suddenly they caught me.
Then I guess it was on the next attempt that you finally made good your escape.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
It was during the prison baseball game.
It was the ninth inning.
The score was tied.
Finally it was my turn to bat.
This was my big chance.
What did you do?
I'll tell you.
I disguised myself as a ball and hit myself over the fence.
Jerry, Jerry, listen to me.
You must go back to serve out your term.
I can't.
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never.
But Jerry.
There's one more never.
I'm sorry.
I forgot to count.
They'll put me in solitary again with nobody to talk to but Francine.
Who's Francine?
A mouse.
A mouse?
Well, there must be a way of getting her out of there.
Impossible.
Francine's a lifer.
Well, anyhow, you must give yourself up, even if it does mean solitary confinement.
Dean, you don't know what solitary means.
Nothing to eat but bread, water, cheese.
Cheese?
Where'd you get the cheese?
Francine has friends on the outside.
Oh!
Say, Dino, if I could spring Francine, maybe we can put her in our act, huh?
Put her in our act?
Jerry, this isn't an animal act.
Don't say that, Dino.
I love animals, especially mouses, fishes, and crocodiles.
They understand me.
Well, that figures.
Yeah, and I understand them, for instance.
Never frown at a mouse, never cry at a fish, and never, never smile at a crocodile.
Which, if you don't already know, is Jerry's latest recording.
Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin.
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.
Oh, never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while.
Never run, walk away, say good night, not good day, clear the aisle,
and never smile at Mr. Crocodile.
You may very well be well-bred.
Lots of etiquette in your head.
But there's always some special case, time or place to forget etiquette.
The wings.
Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin.
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.
Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while.
Don't be rude, never mock, throw a kiss, not a rock, clear the aisle,
and never smile at Mr. Crocodile.
Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while.
Don't be rude, never mock, throw a kiss, not a rock, clear the aisle,
and never smile at Mr. Crocodile.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of them all.
The quality contrast between Chesterfield and other leading brands is a revealing story.
Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine,
shows Chesterfield quality highest.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Fifteen percent higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Thirty-one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Yes, Chesterfield is first with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
Chesterfield
You know, friends, there's an old saying that goes,
a fool and his money are soon parted.
But according to modern songwriters, it's been changed to,
a fool and his honey are soon parted.
And here's their musical story about a fool in love.
A Fool in Love
Pardon me
If I'm sentimental
When we say goodbye
Don't be angry with me
Should I cry
When you're gone
Yet I'll dream a little dream
As years go by
Now and then
There's a fool
Such as I
Now and then
There's a fool
Such as I am
Over you
You taught me how
To love and now
You say that we are through
I'm a fool
But I'll love you dear
Until the day I die
Now and then
There's a fool
Such as I
I'm a fool
But I'll love you dear
Until the day I die
Now and then
There's a fool
Such as I
Applause
Dean, Dean, our guest star,
I just saw her, she flirted with me.
She flirted with you?
Yeah, she gave me the double wink.
What do you mean she gave you the double wink?
She took one look at me and closed both her eyes.
Laughter
Jerry, our guest star is a very clever little girl.
She must be. When I asked her for a kiss,
she talked to me in a foreign language.
A foreign language?
Dean, what is...
I don't dig that answer, Jerry.
But I do know that our guest is the answer
to the public's demand for new faces
and extra fresh talent.
Ladies and gentlemen, through the courtesy of MGM,
producers of Technicolor Picture Young Bess,
starring Gene Simmons, Stuart Granger,
Deborah Carr and Charles Lawton,
we are happy to present a real 3D girl.
The delightful, delicious and de-lovely
Miss Debbie Reynolds.
Applause
Music
Applause
Applause
Well, put down your umbrella
and make yourself at home, Debbie.
Well, thank you, Dean.
Well, you've certainly grown up, Debbie.
You've certainly grown up.
Jerry, remember how you used to take her to parties
when she was a little gal with braces on her teeth?
Yeah, and I was a little boy with braces on my teeth.
Remember?
Yes, and remember, Jerry,
when we played post office and we kissed?
Yeah, and our faces locked bumpers.
Oh, but Debbie, what a change, what a change.
You used to have wide spaces between your teeth,
but they grew together.
I used to have wide spaces too,
but all my teeth grew together.
So I noticed.
Now you only have one big one.
Oh, see here, Miss Reynolds,
I may not be captivating or handsome,
but when I smile, my whole face lights up.
It does?
Yeah, and it spells out king size.
Those just a few people advertise all over, don't they?
Debbie, I can't get over how you've changed.
You used to have great big freckles on your face.
Well, Jerry's changed too.
He used to have freckles the size of lifesavers.
Well, lots of people have freckles on their face
like lifesavers.
Peppermint flavored?
Now that you've grown up, you certainly are
dressing sophisticated, Debbie.
Jerry, get a load of that gown.
Zowee.
Zippity doo da bow do do dee oh wow.
Well, what do you think of it?
I don't like it.
Wowee.
Well, after all, Jerry, I'm now a woman, a mature woman.
I knew that the minute I saw you.
Well, how could you tell?
You're wearing a lady's wristwatch.
Yes, sir, boy, that's a dead giveaway.
I...
I'll prove I'm a woman, Jerry.
Come closer, closer.
Let me hold you tight.
Please, Miss Reynolds, you're bending my Sheriff John bad.
Oh, why don't you stop it, Jerry?
Dean, didn't you have to tell Jerry about the birds and the bees?
I told him so much about the birds and bees, he can't get interested in just girls again.
We should see.
Come here, Jerry.
Stand back, Miss Reynolds.
Mother says I'm not supposed to think about girls until I'm 21.
Well, how old are you now?
I don't know.
On my birthday, she refuses to put candles on the cake.
You give up, Debbie?
No, I'll make him aware of me yet.
Jerry, don't fight it.
Men were made for women and women were made for men.
They can't change that.
I'm not so sure.
I've been reading the political news.
Congress is up to something.
Jerry, how can you pass up a chance like this?
How can you do this?
Dean, it would be robbing the cradle.
She's not old enough.
Oh, yeah?
I'm 17 and I'll prove it to you with a kiss.
Dean.
What, Jerry?
She's 18 if she's a day.
Debbie's a mighty attractive girl, Jerry.
It wouldn't be such a bad idea if you got married to someone like her.
That's right, Jerry.
Now, wouldn't you like to call some girl Mrs. Lewis?
Oh, I couldn't.
That's my mother's name.
That's not much of a reason.
Oh, I have another one.
It's a darb, a positive darb.
My mother married my father.
My grandmother married my grandfather.
My uncle married my aunt.
Well, what about it?
Don't you realize?
We Lewises only marry people in the family.
No kidding, Jerry.
I think the time has come for you to settle down with a wife of your own.
Jerry, I'd sew for you, wash for you.
I'll feed you.
In my very own high chair?
Oh, that too.
But I only have a small house.
What will happen when the babies come?
Well, Jerry, we can always build extensions to the house.
When the first baby comes, we'll add a room.
And when the second baby comes, we'll add another room.
And as each child is born, we'll add a little more on.
Nothing doing. After a while, we'll have a house full of morons.
They were ahead of me there, boys.
Oh, it'd be nice having kids here.
Every night, Uncle Dino could tell them bedtime stories.
But kids don't go for that stuff anymore.
Yeah, since ready on TV, they want everything with cops and robbers.
That's the way Dino tells his bedtime stories.
Say, Fenneman.
Yes, Dino?
Tell them how Dino tells them.
Right, Dean.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chesterfield,
will you buy a carton for Father's Day, please, players?
Present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Debbie Reynolds
in a king-size version of that all-time favorite Hansel and Gretel.
It's the story of a little boy who disappeared from home,
entitled...
Look, Ma, no Hansel.
The scene opens at police headquarters.
Ah, it's you, Detective Lewis.
Yeah, Chief, I've been checking on a Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife and couldn't keep her caper.
I see you didn't bring Pete the killer in with you.
Did he slip through your fingers?
No, under my feet.
How could he slip under your feet?
I have high arches.
Oh.
Hi, fellas.
Well, it's Policewoman Reynolds.
Is there anything new on that Red Riding Hood case?
Yes, Chief, you know, I just came from the lab
and they opened up the wolf and found Grandmother.
Just as I thought an inside job.
Chief, I just brought Red Riding Hood in yesterday.
I had her in the other room for three hours.
Will she talk?
I hope not.
We need proof that the wolf ate a Grandmother burger.
Do you have any witnesses to the crime?
Only one, Mother Goose, but she's afraid to talk.
Afraid?
Yeah, Mother Goose's chicken.
Oh.
I'll take it.
You know.
Detective Headquarters, Fairy Tail Division.
Hello, hello, somebody just kidnapped...
How do you spell that last name again?
Never mind, I got news for you.
An hour ago, Hansel and Gretel disappeared.
It's getting worse.
Two more kids have disappeared into the forest.
Yeah, I suspect the old witch, the one who makes Eskimo pie.
Well, what's wrong with that? Lots of people make Eskimo pie.
With real Eskimo?
No!
Let's go into the forest and find the witch's cottage and bring her in.
But first we must block off all roads so she can't escape.
I'll take care of that.
Chief Martin talking.
We want all roads leading out of the forest blocked off.
Send out a dragnet.
Thank you, Officer Webb. Let's go.
Oh, I'm so exhausted.
For three hours we've been in this forest searching for the witch's house.
Yes, we have.
We're searching for the witch's house.
Yes, searching, searching, always searching.
Never finding.
Always searching.
We're lost, we're lost. We'll never find our way back through this forest.
Ah, don't you worry. I've been leaving breadcrumbs to mark the trail.
But the birds will eat the breadcrumb.
No they won't. I hid them where they couldn't be found.
But if you hid them, how will we be able to find them?
We're lost!
We'll never find our way back through this forest.
Oh look, there's the witch's house. Look, look, and it's all made of chocolate.
And the windows are made of almonds.
Man, dig that crazy Hershey bar.
We must go in and rescue Hansel and Gretel.
We must fight crime till there's none left.
Right.
We'll do it if we have to fight till none of us is left.
Right.
You two rush the door on the left.
Right.
There ain't no door on the left.
Right.
Look! Hey look, look, there on the floor, a body.
Yeah, stretched out in midair. Louis, how do you figure?
Simple, he was beaten to death with a hammock.
What a horrible way to go.
And you two are going the same way.
You mean, do you mean that you're the one who cooks people for dinner?
Yes, I'm the giant.
What?
Why, you're in my power.
The giant? But this is Hansel and Gretel.
The giant is in Jack the Beanstar.
How do you like that? I'm in the wrong story.
Chesterfield is best for you.
Listen to Chesterfield's record.
For a full year and two months, a doctor has been making regular examinations of a group of Chesterfield smokers.
And he reports no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfields.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield. First with premium quality in both regular and king size.
Chesterfield. First choice with Young America.
And that's from a survey of 274 colleges and universities.
Try Chesterfields today.
And remember, Chesterfield is America's best cigarette buy.
Before turning to our old favorite song spot, I'd like to tell all our wonderful, faithful fans that we'll be looking at them through their TV sets this coming Sunday over NBC Television Network.
Now I'm going to take another good look at Debbie Reynolds and sing, I Only Have Eyes For You.
Other stars are tonight.
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright.
Cause I only have eyes for you, dear.
Oh, the moon may be high.
But I can't see a thing in the sky.
Cause I only have eyes for you.
I don't know if we're in a garden.
Or on a crowded avenue.
You are here, so am I.
Maybe millions of people go by.
They all disappear from view.
And I only have eyes for you.
Applause
And that was cool, Dean. Really cool.
You know, all of us listen to your records down at the beach house.
Well, thanks, Debbie.
Say, how about inviting Jerry and me down to the beach some Sunday?
Oh, that's not for me.
I went for a dip in the ocean.
I couldn't get back to shore for hours.
Why, Jerry?
Riptide?
No, rip trunks.
Don't let Jerry kid you, Debbie.
He doesn't want to go because he can't swim.
Dean Martin, you have said an untrue.
Why, I learned to swim the day I was born.
You learned to swim the day you were born?
I had to.
My father took me down to the river in a burlap bag.
Oh, Jerry, please.
Well, we'll kind of drop in on you for a visit sometime soon, Debbie.
And thanks for dropping in on us.
Yes, it was a real, real pleasure to have you.
And it was very sweet of you to come and join in the fun.
Thank you, Debbie.
Well, thank you, Dean and Jerry.
Good night, everyone.
Good night, Debbie.
Good night, Debbie.
You know, friends, we get a kick out of seeing how many of you king-sized smokers are changing
to Chesterfield.
And we know why folks like them so well.
Sure, king-sized Chesterfields give you better quality tobaccos than any other king-sized
cigarette.
But anyway, regular king-size Chesterfields have a swell taste, and they're really milder.
Try Chesterfields today.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
God bless you all.
From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, produced
and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalin, with music prepared
and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfield's award-winning show,
Dragnet, Sunday night on the same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima tips of perfect cork.
King-size for natural filtering.
Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips.
Fatima.
See how smooth they are.
Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield.
Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names.
Tonight, visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.