Transcribed.
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Hey Dean, is it time for us to go on yet?
Not just a second, Jerry.
Well, I finished my Chesterfield.
Regular?
No, king size. Why?
Well, in that case, I'll have to wait over a fifth longer for you.
Ha ha ha.
Laughter
Which means the Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you,
brings you the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Applause
Music
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette pie.
Come on smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield, best for you.
Chesterfield, best for you.
Regular, king size either way.
Make it Chesterfield today.
Music
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean Martin.
Applause
Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen, and a hearty happy hello to all of you from Chesterfield.
There's lots of fun cooking tonight, so while my partner Jerry, the crazy chef, brings the laughs to a boil,
I'd like to whip up an opening musical stew for you.
Ah, there's good stews tonight.
Music
What can I say dear after I say I'm sorry?
What can I do to prove to you I'm sorry?
I didn't mean to ever be mean to you.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't feel like I do.
Oh, I was all wrong, but right or wrong, I don't blame you.
Why should I take somebody like you and shame you?
I know that I made you cry, and I'm so sorry dear.
So what can I say dear after I say I'm sorry?
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Oh, I was all wrong, but right or wrong, I don't blame you.
Why should I take somebody like you and shame you?
I know that I made you cry, and I'm so sorry dear.
So what can I say dear after I say I'm sorry?
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Applause
Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
And now before my partner gets here, let me tell you the truth about him.
I know Jerry never went to school. Jerry never had any education.
But friends, that doesn't make Jerry an idiot.
Then what did?
Well, jumping to y'all's bat, it's Jerry Lewis.
Well, I'm glad to see you, Jerry. Tell me, what's new?
Oh, nothing much. Last night my cat had kittens.
Jerry, every time I ask you what's new, you tell me your cat had kittens.
Can't you think of anything else?
I can, but the cat can't.
So there's really nothing new?
No, just the same old thing. You know, this morning my dog had guppies.
No, you mean puppies?
No, guppies.
Jerry, how could your dog have guppies?
He fell into the goldfish bowl.
Oh, but it was just one of those days when nothing happened.
Yep, except that my mother just flew in from Newark.
Oh, did you meet her at the airport?
No, I've known her for years.
I see. Did she come out here to visit you?
No, she came to visit my uncle who has a whole chain of Orange Julius stands named after him.
Oh, your uncle's name is Julius?
No, Orange.
Oh, wait a minute. If Orange is your uncle's name, who's Julius?
My aunt.
Your aunt, sure. How did she ever get the name Julius?
She won it in a raffle.
In a raffle?
Yeah, you see, when she was a baby, they didn't know what the name was.
So they gave her a punch board and Julius is the name she punched out.
But there's nothing new outside that, huh, Jerry?
Oh, nothing new.
You just picked up your mother and drove her to your uncle Orange's place.
Yeah, in the car my brother stole.
Your brother stole a car?
Well, he didn't think he was stealing. You see, it was parked outside a cemetery and he thought the owner was dead.
Nothing happened. It was just one of those dull days.
Yeah, I drove my mother home on the way. It started to rain.
So my mother told me to get a windshield wiper and put it on the car.
Did that help?
No, it kept right on raining.
Kept raining.
Well, so it was just one of those nothing happened days, huh, Jerry?
Yeah, didn't do too much.
Oh, well.
Practically nothing. Why, when I got home, I tried to transplant my giant California redwood tree. It was 300 feet tall.
Oh, it was getting too big for the garden?
No, too big for the pot.
I didn't know you had a giant redwood tree.
Oh, yes, I planted it myself. First, I cut a hole in the seed.
You cut a hole in the seed?
Yeah. That's so when it grows up, cars can drive right through it.
Now, that's quick thinking.
Well, the tree looked a little peaked, so I chopped it down and took it to a tree surgeon.
Jerry, if the poor thing was sick, why didn't you bring the tree surgeon out to see the tree?
Why don't you throw my money away? A house visit is $5. In the office, it's only two.
I can't wait to hear what happened when you got the tree to surgery.
Well, when I got there, the office was crowded. It was terrible.
What was terrible?
How would you like to sit for three hours with a 300-foot tree in your lap?
But nothing happened today, huh? You just sat there in the doctor's office with a tree in your lap.
Yeah, when the doctor came out, he took one look at the tree. I got the shock of my life.
Well, what happened? What did he say?
It wasn't a redwood tree at all. It was an oak tree with a high blood pressure.
Here is Chesterfield's record with smokers. And important to you.
No adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses from smoking Chesterfield.
That's the report of a doctor who has been examining a group of Chesterfield smokers for a full year and two months
as part of a program supervised by a responsible independent research laboratory.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield. First with premium quality.
Chesterfield. First choice of Young America.
And that's from a survey made in 274 colleges and universities.
Try Chesterfield's today. Chesterfield. Regular or king size.
They're much milder. And best for you.
You know, friends, when the popular songs of 1953 are counted for,
there's one tune I'll bet on to finish near the top of the list.
It's my privilege to nominate and my pleasure to sing Downhearted.
Ever since we parted I've been downhearted
Who ever thought I'd miss you so? Please come back, I beg you
Please, baby, please What fools are we who cannot see
The forest for the tree? Now I'm the one that I outsmarted
And I'm downhearted I lost the truest love I'll ever know
Oh, how I yearn to hold you in my arms Once again and I'll be downhearted
Till then
Oh, how I yearn to hold you in my arms Once again and I'll be downhearted
Till then
Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, just sit back and prepare to enjoy yourselves
because our guest star tonight... Oh, Dean.
Our guest star tonight... Dean, I have to rush off right now to see my girl.
She just came from the plastic surgeon's office and believe me, oh, believe me,
she looks 100% better. Why, did he remove the mole on her face?
No, he left the mole, he removed the face. But, dear, I'm about to introduce our guest.
You can't leave now. Oh, but I have to, partner Mio.
I promise to drive her to the dog races. Now, don't tell me she's one of the dogs that's racing.
She's one of the dogs. That's utterly absurd.
She isn't? No, she's the rabbit.
Well, that'll keep the laughter of the show. Right now, I want you and our listeners to meet a star
whose popularity is truly unanimous. Here's the man you'll soon be able to see
co-starring with Faith DeMurgh in Universal International's Technicolor production
of The Great Sue Uprising. Our heist of he-men guests, Jeff Chandler.
Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yes, sir, Jeff, boy.
I'm no fool. I sit down when he comes around, boy.
Welcome there to our wigwam, Big Chief Chandler. Ugg.
Gee, holy mackerel and Jeepers Creepers. Isn't Mr. Chandler Mucular?
Sir, I would like to meet you. Sure, kid, here. Shake.
Anyone for lady fingers? You've met my partner before, haven't you, Jeff?
Oh, sure, Dean, but I just don't remember where. Oh, don't you remember, Mr. Chandler?
Remember you once played badminton with me? Oh, yes. Sorry.
I didn't recognize you without your feathers.
Now, see here, you yellow-bellied tough guy. You know who you're talking to.
Sorry. See here, you yellow-bellied tough guy, sir.
I have a violent temper, see. When I'm mad, I forget good sportsmanship.
When I fight, I always lose my head. You do? Yeah, they always keep knocking it off.
You're a fighter. When I eat at a restaurant, I leave more than you on my plate.
Jeff?
Jerry just talks stuff. He never had a fight in his life. Oh, yeah?
Only yesterday I had a fight with a guy. He hit me, then I hit him.
Then he hit me, then I hit him, then he hit me. Then? And then I quit.
Why didn't you hit him back? I'm no fool. Then it would have been his turn to hit again.
Jerry, now don't go flaunting your tiny muscle in Jeff's face.
Yes, yes, if he does, I'll beat him within a half inch of his life. You mean an inch of my life?
You don't have that much left.
Look, Chandler.
Lay a finger on me, I shall rear up, expand my chest to what's fullest, and yell for my girl.
You see, Dane, Jerry's girl must be tough. Tough?
Why, when she smiles, her face makes a fist.
I mean it.
Not anymore, it doesn't. She just went to a plastic surgeon. Here's her picture.
Ugh. Oh, Jerry, this is awful. Was this picture of her taken before the operation or after?
During.
How can you go with a brute like that, Jerry? Look at the size of her mouth.
It's not her fault, Dean. It got that way from eating bananas.
Oh, now, Jerry, a mouth can't get that big from eating bananas.
Sideway?
Look, Mr. Chandler, let me tell you something. My girl, Yetta...
Yetta?
My girl, Yetta, may not be beautiful, charming, nor fun loving.
But when I'm lonely and blue, and all the world seems to have forsaken me, I rush over and ring her doorbell.
And she lets you into the house?
No, she doesn't have a house, just a doorbell.
And then what?
I take her in my arms and look at her, and when I compare her with all the other girls here in Hollywood,
deep down inside, I get that certain feeling.
What feeling?
Like I want to throw up.
Jerry, you'd make out much better in the romance department if you'd develop your physique by doing bodybuilding exercises like Jeff here.
Oh, but I do. I do do you here. I do.
When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is walk around on all fours.
That's not exercise, that's heredity.
Just a minute, Mr. Chandler. Are you inferring that my grandfather is a monkey?
No.
Then how come he works for Norgengrinder?
Jerry, Jerry Lewis.
Jerry, to exercise properly, you have to breathe properly.
Show them what I mean, Jeff.
All right, Dean, just watch me now, Jerry.
What happened, Jerry?
I just been inhaled.
Oh, stop that.
You see, Jerry, when I breathe, I breathe from the stomach. That's what you ought to do.
I can't. I got no nose down there.
Jerry, I can tell you've led a soft life. You've never known hardships.
You ought to learn to rough it, live outdoors like the American Indians.
The American Indians?
What are you so surprised about? That's our play for tonight.
I know, but when I finally get a line, I read it. I read it.
Well, let's get going, Fenorman.
Yes.
When he gets a line, he reads it too. Read on, Fenorman.
Right, Dean. Ladies and gentlemen, the Chesterfield Smoke Signal Players
present Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, and Jeff Chandler in a stirring drama of the Indians, entitled
The Chesterfield Smoke Signal Players.
This is the reservation.
Me, Leo Marcusons. Me, covered with war paint. Me, have red face.
Me, an Indian.
Me, have twin sons both named Running Water.
Me, hot.
Me, cold.
Me, just home from summer vacation.
Me, go to Indian College. It is called
Tec.
Me, me, no go school at all.
All day long, me shoot arrow into air.
It fall to earth, me know not where.
But me rich Indian, me no care.
Today me, me heap happy, me heap gay, me heap excited.
Me drive home from college in four dollar jalopy.
Another heap.
This man, my father.
Ah, my son, you have returned.
Welcome home, brother.
Pull up an arrow and sit down.
Me, I've been unhappy at college.
Oh, great, Red Father.
No one would talk to me, cause me half bleed.
You mean you're a half breed.
No, half bleed.
Me anemic.
I am disappointed, son.
You now talk pale face talk.
Have you forgotten Red Man's talk?
In dee dee dee, oh, I have.
I will refresh your memory of Indian talk, brother.
Repeat after me.
How?
How?
See, son, it's easy if you know how.
You have changed inside too, Hot, my boy.
You do not seem happy to be an Indian.
True, Father.
I walked around the campus one day with all these feathers on
and somebody said, I'd like to see you lay egg.
I was so embarrassed.
Why?
I did.
Oh.
I was so embarrassed.
Why?
I did.
Oh.
Brother, since you have been away, I have invented a new sport you will enjoy.
It is called Indian wrestling.
But Indian wrestling is an old sport.
With girls.
Son, we must have talk.
I have sent you to Indian college at much expense.
Yes, oh, Father.
It costs you 400 beads a year.
I hope it was worth it.
I'm sorry, Hot.
I'm sorry, Hot.
I'm sorry, Hot.
I'm sorry, Hot.
I'm sorry, Hot.
It costs you 400 beads a year.
I hope it was worth it.
Show Dad your report card.
Here, Father.
In college, I learned to write my name.
I see the report card is already signed.
I learned to write yours, too.
Let's see your grades.
A in TP building, B in pow wow, fire making, A.
Oh, yes, Father.
After four years, I learned how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Good.
But one of them has to be a matchstick.
Oh.
Totem pole carving, A.
I brought home the totem pole I carved, sir.
Here it is.
Man, dig that crazy popsicle.
Brother, we have a surprise for you.
Here's your graduation present.
Just what I always wanted, a tomahawk in the shape of a fountain pen.
Now you can kill pale faces and keep score at the same time.
Take that present back from him, cold.
He doesn't deserve the gift.
According to his report card, a tomahawk throwing, he goofed.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that I never quite mastered the interlocking grip.
Hand me that tomahawk.
See that Indian outside with the king-sized chastafil in his mouth?
Now watch.
He's now smoking regular size.
Oh, brother, let me try.
I'll knock what's left of the cigarette out of his mouth.
Here goes.
Ah!
Oh, well, now when he has it cold, he'll just have to learn to blow something else.
Hot, my son.
This is the most crushing blow of all.
A note from the dean saying you've been expelled because you've got the lowest grade in hunting.
I am sorry, sir, but during the midterms, I was out in the woods tracking when suddenly a bear,
a big bear, sneaked up, threw her arms around me, and began to squeeze and squeeze me.
Why didn't you scream for help?
I thought it was love.
That's impossible. A bear couldn't be in love with you.
Oh, no?
Zelda!
Rawr!
Mom meets her new daughter-in-law.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of all cigarettes.
Chesterfield quality is highest.
Here's the proof.
Recent chemical analyses give an index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine,
shows Chesterfield quality highest.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Fifteen percent higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
Thirty-one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield. First with premium quality and best for you.
Try Chesterfield today. Regular or king-size.
Ladies and gentlemen, just like bread goes with butter, so does a love song go with spring.
And so for my springtime serenade tonight, here's a haunting ballad that should please all lovers of music and romance.
Long ago and far away
I dreamed a dream one day
And now the dream is here beside me
Long the skies were overcast
But now the clouds have passed
You're here at last
Chill, run up and down my spine
Aladdin's lamp is mine
The dream I dreamed was not denied me
Just one look and then I knew
That all I longed for
Long ago was you
Just one look and then I knew
That all I longed for
Long ago was you
Long for
Long ago was you
Oh, that was just great, Dean. You must really get the girls with that singing.
Thanks, Jeff, but I'll bet you'd do even better with that distinguished head of hair. Girls go for guys who are greening at the temples.
That's not true. My brother was gray at the temples and he used to frighten girls away.
Frighten girls away, but why I?
Because he had no hair, just gray temples.
Well, this has been a lot of fun, but I got to be running along, fellas.
Wait for me, Mr. Chandler. I must bring this present to my girl.
What'd you get her, Jeff? What'd you get her, Jeff? What'd you get her?
Oh, I got my girl one earring.
One earring? I don't get it. How can your girl wear one earring on both ears?
She has a very thin head.
Now, now I really got to get out of here.
I'd like to go with you, Jeff, but not before we thank you for being such a wonderful guest.
Yes, thank you very much, Jeff, and please come and visit us again real soon.
Thanks, I will. Good night, fellas, and good night, all.
Good night, Jeff.
Applause
Friends, vacation time will be here real soon.
And when it comes time for you to take off, remember, take along plenty of Chesterfields.
Right. For your best vacation, pick up a couple of cartons.
Chesterfields. Either way you like them, regular or king size.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying thank you everybody. God bless you all.
Applause
From Hollywood, you just heard transcribed the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalin,
with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfields award-winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on the same NBC station.
Now, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima tips of perfect cork.
King size for natural filtering. Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma.
So remember, new Fatima has the tip for your lips. Fatima. See how smooth they are.
Remember, Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield. Liget and Myers. One of tobacco's most respected names.
Applause
The Coronation highlights tonight at 10 New York time on NBC.
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