WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.000 Transcribed. 00:02.000 --> 00:14.000 Hey, Jay, got a cigarette? 00:14.000 --> 00:15.000 Have I got a cigarette? 00:15.000 --> 00:16.000 Uh-uh. 00:16.000 --> 00:17.000 Dean, I've got these cigarettes. 00:17.000 --> 00:18.000 You mean Chesterfield? 00:18.000 --> 00:19.000 I mean Chesterfield. 00:19.000 --> 00:20.000 I'm with you. 00:20.000 --> 00:24.480 Which means that Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you, brings you 00:24.480 --> 00:25.480 to the Demonic and Jerry Lashaw. 00:25.480 --> 00:38.480 Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, very tasty too. 00:38.480 --> 00:40.480 They're today's best cigarette buy. 00:40.480 --> 00:42.480 Come on, smokers, why don't you try? 00:42.480 --> 00:43.480 Chesterfield. 00:43.480 --> 00:44.480 Best for you. 00:44.480 --> 00:45.480 Chesterfield. 00:45.480 --> 00:46.480 Best for you. 00:46.480 --> 00:48.480 Regular king size either way. 00:48.480 --> 00:55.480 Make a Chesterfield today. 00:55.480 --> 01:04.480 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean 01:04.480 --> 01:05.480 Martin. 01:05.480 --> 01:06.480 Thank you. 01:06.480 --> 01:07.480 Thank you and hi, everybody. 01:07.480 --> 01:17.480 Well, I'm glad you're all on hand for tonight's Chesterfield Roll Call. 01:17.480 --> 01:22.360 Also ready is my partner, Jerry, whose body is present though his brain is absent. 01:22.360 --> 01:27.160 Since our first subject is music, I'm calling on our prized pupil, Richie Stabile, for the 01:27.160 --> 01:28.160 answer. 01:28.160 --> 01:58.080 The stars are gonna twinkle and shine for this evening, about a quarter to nine. 01:58.080 --> 02:22.080 I know I won't be late, cause at half past eight, I'm gonna hurry there. 02:22.080 --> 02:33.080 I'll be waiting where the rain begins, waiting for you on the hills and pens and then the 02:33.080 --> 03:00.480 world is gonna be mine for this evening, about a quarter to nine. 03:00.480 --> 03:25.280 I know I won't be late, cause at half past eight, I'm gonna hurry there. 03:25.280 --> 03:35.960 I'll be waiting where the rain begins, waiting for you on the hills and pens and then the 03:35.960 --> 03:45.120 world is gonna be mine, mine of mine for this evening, about a quarter to nine. 03:45.120 --> 03:59.200 Thank you very much, Jerry. 03:59.200 --> 04:03.120 Thank you. 04:03.120 --> 04:06.980 Now before my partner gets here, I'd like to clear up one false impression that you 04:06.980 --> 04:08.260 may have about him. 04:08.260 --> 04:11.500 Most of you people think he's stupid, but let me tell you something. 04:11.500 --> 04:13.880 My partner, Jerry, has more brains than his little finger. 04:13.880 --> 04:15.360 Then I have in my whole head. 04:15.360 --> 04:17.200 Well, I'll be a monkey's partner. 04:17.200 --> 04:18.200 It's Jerry Lewis. 04:18.200 --> 04:29.440 Say Dean, I got a date to go swimming at the beach. 04:29.440 --> 04:31.480 Did you see the bathing suit I left here last summer? 04:31.480 --> 04:33.080 Oh, the one you left here last summer. 04:33.080 --> 04:34.080 Yeah, sure, Jerry. 04:34.080 --> 04:35.080 Here it is. 04:35.080 --> 04:36.080 That ain't mine. 04:36.080 --> 04:37.080 Mine was wet. 04:37.080 --> 04:39.960 Jerry, after a year, it dries. 04:39.960 --> 04:41.240 Nothing stays wet forever. 04:41.240 --> 04:42.240 Oh, no. 04:42.240 --> 04:44.120 Jerry, did you ever get a good look at the Pacific Ocean? 04:44.120 --> 04:46.800 Let me explain it to you, Jerry. 04:46.800 --> 04:49.640 Oh, please do, do, do, do, Dean. 04:49.640 --> 04:53.440 Well, things dry out because of the process of evaporation. 04:53.440 --> 04:55.520 Do you know what evaporation is? 04:55.520 --> 04:56.520 Evaporation? 04:56.520 --> 04:58.460 You're asking me what evaporation is. 04:58.460 --> 05:00.640 Do I know what evaporation is? 05:00.640 --> 05:01.640 Dean. 05:01.640 --> 05:02.640 Yeah? 05:02.640 --> 05:03.640 What is it? 05:03.640 --> 05:04.960 It's really quite simple. 05:04.960 --> 05:07.960 Look, you know what rain is? 05:07.960 --> 05:10.960 Sure, little chunks of water. 05:10.960 --> 05:13.120 Well, that's close enough. 05:13.120 --> 05:14.120 Rain comes from the clouds. 05:14.120 --> 05:16.760 Now, when it rains, the streets get wet. 05:16.760 --> 05:20.320 My, now aren't you the observant one? 05:20.320 --> 05:25.520 Now, after the streets get wet, how do they become dry? 05:25.520 --> 05:27.560 The street cleaners go around with towels. 05:27.560 --> 05:32.000 No, no, the sun comes out and draws the rain up. 05:32.000 --> 05:34.440 The sun comes out and draws the rain up? 05:34.440 --> 05:35.440 Uh-huh. 05:35.440 --> 05:37.680 Yet the sun is millions of miles away, you know. 05:37.680 --> 05:40.520 Gosh, I didn't know the sun had such long drawers. 05:40.520 --> 05:50.400 Cher, when I say the sun draws, I don't mean the sun draws. 05:50.400 --> 05:51.400 I mean the sun draws. 05:51.400 --> 05:54.400 You've been wearing your hat too tight, up over there. 05:54.400 --> 05:56.560 I'll give you another example. 05:56.560 --> 05:58.400 Let's say you just washed your clothes. 05:58.400 --> 05:59.400 You mean my dainties? 05:59.400 --> 06:02.000 Your dainties, everything. 06:02.000 --> 06:04.460 Now, you hang your clothes on the line. 06:04.460 --> 06:05.460 What happens then? 06:05.460 --> 06:06.460 I get arrested. 06:06.460 --> 06:09.280 How can you get arrested for hanging your clothes on the line? 06:09.280 --> 06:11.040 I'd have to come to the studio naked. 06:11.040 --> 06:14.040 You know, I never thought of that. 06:14.040 --> 06:16.240 And I don't like to come here barefooted all over. 06:16.240 --> 06:23.400 Maybe we'd better take it, we'd better take it one item at a time. 06:23.400 --> 06:26.720 Now look, you just hang your shorts on the line. 06:26.720 --> 06:27.720 Which way? 06:27.720 --> 06:28.720 What difference does it make? 06:28.720 --> 06:30.360 Hang upside down, now what happens? 06:30.360 --> 06:33.360 The blood rushes to my head. 06:33.360 --> 06:35.880 Well, how's that possible? 06:35.880 --> 06:37.880 I got those shorts on now. 06:37.880 --> 06:39.640 Oh, I give up. 06:39.640 --> 06:41.640 Now, there's no use talking, Jay. 06:41.640 --> 06:42.640 You don't have the mind of a three-year-old. 06:42.640 --> 06:45.640 I know, but look at the difference in our ages. 06:45.640 --> 06:49.080 What I'm getting at, Jay, is that you're stupid. 06:49.080 --> 06:53.000 Dean Martin, I may not have gone to school, but I know things. 06:53.000 --> 06:54.000 You're an idiot. 06:54.000 --> 06:56.000 True, but I'm a self-taught idiot. 06:56.000 --> 06:59.600 Okay, tell me, what did yourself teach yourself? 06:59.600 --> 07:00.600 Name one thing. 07:00.600 --> 07:04.000 Alrighty, until I was 21, I couldn't tell a difference between. 07:04.000 --> 07:05.000 Between what? 07:05.000 --> 07:06.000 My right foot and my left foot. 07:06.000 --> 07:08.160 But now you know the difference? 07:08.160 --> 07:09.160 By heart. 07:09.160 --> 07:14.880 Oh, right foot is your right foot and which is your left foot? 07:14.880 --> 07:16.720 Well, I can't tell which is which right now. 07:16.720 --> 07:17.720 Well, why not? 07:17.720 --> 07:18.720 I got my shoes on. 07:18.720 --> 07:22.880 Oh, but if your shoes are off, you could tell me which is your right foot? 07:22.880 --> 07:26.880 Oh, that's easy, and the right foot is the one with the toes. 07:26.880 --> 07:30.640 But your left foot has toes, too. 07:30.640 --> 07:35.640 Now you've done it, I'm all mixed up again. 07:35.640 --> 07:45.000 Jerry, feet come in two styles, left and right. 07:45.000 --> 07:49.240 Now that is a coincidence, they make shoes the same way. 07:49.240 --> 07:51.240 You know, Mother Nature's a pretty smart cat. 07:51.240 --> 07:52.240 She gave us two feet. 07:52.240 --> 07:53.240 Oh, it's a set. 07:53.240 --> 07:54.240 Yeah. 07:54.240 --> 07:55.240 That's in case one gets lost. 07:55.240 --> 08:00.000 Jerry, you have two ears, left and right. 08:00.000 --> 08:01.600 Two eyes, left and right. 08:01.600 --> 08:03.600 Two noses, left and right. 08:03.600 --> 08:04.880 Oh, hold it, Buster. 08:04.880 --> 08:05.960 You'll have only one nose. 08:05.960 --> 08:06.960 Just look at me. 08:06.960 --> 08:07.960 Is this my left nose? 08:07.960 --> 08:24.400 No, and it ain't your right one either. 08:24.400 --> 08:26.000 Years ahead of them all. 08:26.000 --> 08:29.400 Chesterfield is years ahead of all cigarettes. 08:29.400 --> 08:32.200 Chesterfield quality is highest. 08:32.200 --> 08:33.600 Here's the proof. 08:33.600 --> 08:39.320 The chemical analysis given index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands. 08:39.320 --> 08:44.600 The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows 08:44.600 --> 08:46.520 Chesterfield quality highest. 08:46.520 --> 08:48.560 Chesterfield quality highest. 08:48.560 --> 08:51.400 15% higher than its nearest competitor. 08:51.400 --> 08:53.520 Chesterfield quality highest. 08:53.520 --> 08:58.720 31% higher than the average of the five other leading brands. 08:58.720 --> 09:01.520 Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this? 09:01.520 --> 09:02.520 Chesterfield. 09:02.520 --> 09:06.600 First, with premium quality and best for you. 09:06.600 --> 09:08.760 Try Chesterfield today. 09:08.760 --> 09:17.840 Regular or king size. 09:17.840 --> 09:21.400 You know, friends, these are the days when people everywhere are seriously discussing 09:21.400 --> 09:22.960 a possible trip to the moon. 09:22.960 --> 09:27.800 Well, though I know nothing about rocket ships, I can recommend a sweet and sentimental way 09:27.800 --> 09:29.120 to get there. 09:29.120 --> 09:45.160 Let's follow the musical arrow to the second star to the right. 09:45.160 --> 09:57.720 The second star to the right Shines in the night for you 09:57.720 --> 10:10.400 To tell you that the dreams you plan Really can come true 10:10.400 --> 10:23.680 The second star to the right Shines with a light that's rare 10:23.680 --> 10:36.200 And if it's never land you need Its light will lead you there 10:36.200 --> 10:48.880 Twinkle twinkle little star So I'll know where you are 10:48.880 --> 11:02.760 Gleaming in the skies above Lead me to the one who loves me 11:02.760 --> 11:15.560 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 11:15.560 --> 11:24.240 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 11:45.560 --> 12:04.240 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 12:04.240 --> 12:19.680 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 12:19.680 --> 12:49.160 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 12:49.160 --> 13:04.560 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 13:04.560 --> 13:30.440 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 13:30.440 --> 13:45.840 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 13:45.840 --> 14:11.720 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 14:11.720 --> 14:39.520 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 14:39.520 --> 15:07.320 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 15:07.320 --> 15:36.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 15:36.320 --> 16:04.320 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 16:04.320 --> 16:27.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 16:27.320 --> 16:48.320 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 16:48.320 --> 17:12.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 17:12.320 --> 17:40.320 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 17:40.320 --> 17:59.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 17:59.320 --> 18:14.320 And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight 18:14.320 --> 18:43.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 18:43.320 --> 18:59.320 And when you bring her my way 18:59.320 --> 19:24.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 19:24.320 --> 19:43.320 And when you bring her my way 19:43.320 --> 20:08.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 20:08.320 --> 20:21.320 And when you bring her my way 20:21.320 --> 20:49.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 20:49.320 --> 21:08.320 And when you bring her my way 21:08.320 --> 21:23.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 21:23.320 --> 21:38.320 And when you bring her my way 21:38.320 --> 22:07.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 22:07.320 --> 22:22.320 And when you bring her my way 22:22.320 --> 22:51.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 22:51.320 --> 23:06.320 And when you bring her my way 23:06.320 --> 23:35.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 23:35.320 --> 23:50.320 And when you bring her my way 23:50.320 --> 24:05.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 24:05.320 --> 24:20.320 And when you bring her my way 24:20.320 --> 24:35.320 We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right 24:35.320 --> 24:53.320 Say it isn't so, say it isn't so 24:53.320 --> 25:05.320 Everyone is saying you don't love me Say it isn't so 25:05.320 --> 25:18.320 Everywhere I go Everyone I know 25:18.320 --> 25:32.320 Whispers that you're growing tired of me Say it isn't so 25:32.320 --> 25:44.320 People say that you found somebody new 25:44.320 --> 25:57.320 And it won't be long before you leave me Say it isn't true 25:57.320 --> 26:15.320 Say that everything is still okay That's all I want and all And what they're saying 26:15.320 --> 26:30.320 Say it isn't so 26:30.320 --> 26:45.320 Applause 26:45.320 --> 26:47.320 Great singing job, Dean, as they say in German, wunderbar. 26:47.320 --> 26:49.320 Wunderbar? Well, what's that mean? 26:49.320 --> 26:53.320 Oh, it's easy. It means I wonder when I'll meet you at the bar. 26:53.320 --> 26:56.320 You know, for a minute I thought you had him, Joe. 26:56.320 --> 27:01.320 Well, German isn't necessary in Europe, fellas. You'll get along all right with French. 27:01.320 --> 27:04.320 Practically every head waiter understands French. 27:04.320 --> 27:09.320 That is simply not true. I once went to a French restaurant and ordered everything in French. 27:09.320 --> 27:12.320 The waiter pointed to one thing on the menu and I said, tray bon, tray bon. 27:12.320 --> 27:15.320 Then he pointed to another thing and I said, tray bon, tray bon. 27:15.320 --> 27:17.320 What did the waiter finally bring you? 27:17.320 --> 27:21.320 A tray of bones. 27:21.320 --> 27:23.320 Thanks for your helpful advice. 27:23.320 --> 27:26.320 Yeah, and what's more important, thanks for appearing on our program tonight. 27:26.320 --> 27:29.320 No, don't thank me, fellas. Just thank 20th Century Fox, 27:29.320 --> 27:38.320 producers of Pick Up on South Street, starring Richard Widmark and Gene Peters, for letting me come. 27:38.320 --> 27:44.320 Yes, it was Jim Dandy of the real peachy team. 27:44.320 --> 27:46.320 Thanks again, Mr. Cotton. 27:46.320 --> 27:49.320 Well, bye-bye, guys, fellas. Good night all. 27:49.320 --> 27:56.320 Good night, Joe. 27:56.320 --> 27:59.320 Say, folks, you know, this Sunday is Father's Day. 27:59.320 --> 28:02.320 Dad's the nicest guy you know, so be sure and give him the best. 28:02.320 --> 28:06.320 Give him premium quality Chesterfields in the red and white Father's Day carton. 28:06.320 --> 28:11.320 You'll be giving him a gift of premium quality, and you'll also be giving him the cigarette that's best for him. 28:11.320 --> 28:16.320 Don't just give him any cigarette, folks. Make it premium quality Chesterfields for Dad on Father's Day. 28:16.320 --> 28:18.320 So until next week, this is Dean Martin. 28:18.320 --> 28:20.320 And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody. 28:20.320 --> 28:33.320 Good night all. 28:33.320 --> 28:37.320 From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed to Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show, 28:37.320 --> 28:41.320 produced and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish, 28:41.320 --> 28:44.320 with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel. 28:44.320 --> 28:51.320 And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfields award-winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station. 28:51.320 --> 28:55.320 Have you tried new cork-tipped Fatima? It's the smooth smoke. 28:55.320 --> 29:02.320 Here's why. New Fatima tips of perfect cork, king size for longer filtering, 29:02.320 --> 29:07.320 and Fatima quality for a much better flavor and aroma. 29:07.320 --> 29:11.320 Remember, Fatima has the tip for your lips. 29:11.320 --> 29:15.320 Try new Fatima. See how smooth it is. 29:15.320 --> 29:26.320 Fatima is made by the makers of Chesterfield, Liggett and Myers, one of tobacco's most respected names. 29:26.320 --> 29:41.320 Visit Fibber McGee and Molly on NBC.