Transcribed.
Hey, Jay, got a cigarette?
Have I got a cigarette?
Uh-uh.
Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield?
I mean Chesterfield.
I'm with you.
Which means that Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you, brings you
to the Demonic and Jerry Lashaw.
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, very tasty too.
They're today's best cigarette buy.
Come on, smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Chesterfield.
Best for you.
Regular king size either way.
Make a Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you and hi, everybody.
Well, I'm glad you're all on hand for tonight's Chesterfield Roll Call.
Also ready is my partner, Jerry, whose body is present though his brain is absent.
Since our first subject is music, I'm calling on our prized pupil, Richie Stabile, for the
answer.
The stars are gonna twinkle and shine for this evening, about a quarter to nine.
I know I won't be late, cause at half past eight, I'm gonna hurry there.
I'll be waiting where the rain begins, waiting for you on the hills and pens and then the
world is gonna be mine for this evening, about a quarter to nine.
I know I won't be late, cause at half past eight, I'm gonna hurry there.
I'll be waiting where the rain begins, waiting for you on the hills and pens and then the
world is gonna be mine, mine of mine for this evening, about a quarter to nine.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
Thank you.
Now before my partner gets here, I'd like to clear up one false impression that you
may have about him.
Most of you people think he's stupid, but let me tell you something.
My partner, Jerry, has more brains than his little finger.
Then I have in my whole head.
Well, I'll be a monkey's partner.
It's Jerry Lewis.
Say Dean, I got a date to go swimming at the beach.
Did you see the bathing suit I left here last summer?
Oh, the one you left here last summer.
Yeah, sure, Jerry.
Here it is.
That ain't mine.
Mine was wet.
Jerry, after a year, it dries.
Nothing stays wet forever.
Oh, no.
Jerry, did you ever get a good look at the Pacific Ocean?
Let me explain it to you, Jerry.
Oh, please do, do, do, do, Dean.
Well, things dry out because of the process of evaporation.
Do you know what evaporation is?
Evaporation?
You're asking me what evaporation is.
Do I know what evaporation is?
Dean.
Yeah?
What is it?
It's really quite simple.
Look, you know what rain is?
Sure, little chunks of water.
Well, that's close enough.
Rain comes from the clouds.
Now, when it rains, the streets get wet.
My, now aren't you the observant one?
Now, after the streets get wet, how do they become dry?
The street cleaners go around with towels.
No, no, the sun comes out and draws the rain up.
The sun comes out and draws the rain up?
Uh-huh.
Yet the sun is millions of miles away, you know.
Gosh, I didn't know the sun had such long drawers.
Cher, when I say the sun draws, I don't mean the sun draws.
I mean the sun draws.
You've been wearing your hat too tight, up over there.
I'll give you another example.
Let's say you just washed your clothes.
You mean my dainties?
Your dainties, everything.
Now, you hang your clothes on the line.
What happens then?
I get arrested.
How can you get arrested for hanging your clothes on the line?
I'd have to come to the studio naked.
You know, I never thought of that.
And I don't like to come here barefooted all over.
Maybe we'd better take it, we'd better take it one item at a time.
Now look, you just hang your shorts on the line.
Which way?
What difference does it make?
Hang upside down, now what happens?
The blood rushes to my head.
Well, how's that possible?
I got those shorts on now.
Oh, I give up.
Now, there's no use talking, Jay.
You don't have the mind of a three-year-old.
I know, but look at the difference in our ages.
What I'm getting at, Jay, is that you're stupid.
Dean Martin, I may not have gone to school, but I know things.
You're an idiot.
True, but I'm a self-taught idiot.
Okay, tell me, what did yourself teach yourself?
Name one thing.
Alrighty, until I was 21, I couldn't tell a difference between.
Between what?
My right foot and my left foot.
But now you know the difference?
By heart.
Oh, right foot is your right foot and which is your left foot?
Well, I can't tell which is which right now.
Well, why not?
I got my shoes on.
Oh, but if your shoes are off, you could tell me which is your right foot?
Oh, that's easy, and the right foot is the one with the toes.
But your left foot has toes, too.
Now you've done it, I'm all mixed up again.
Jerry, feet come in two styles, left and right.
Now that is a coincidence, they make shoes the same way.
You know, Mother Nature's a pretty smart cat.
She gave us two feet.
Oh, it's a set.
Yeah.
That's in case one gets lost.
Jerry, you have two ears, left and right.
Two eyes, left and right.
Two noses, left and right.
Oh, hold it, Buster.
You'll have only one nose.
Just look at me.
Is this my left nose?
No, and it ain't your right one either.
Years ahead of them all.
Chesterfield is years ahead of all cigarettes.
Chesterfield quality is highest.
Here's the proof.
The chemical analysis given index of good quality for the country's six leading cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows
Chesterfield quality highest.
15% higher than its nearest competitor.
Chesterfield quality highest.
31% higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield.
First, with premium quality and best for you.
Try Chesterfield today.
Regular or king size.
You know, friends, these are the days when people everywhere are seriously discussing
a possible trip to the moon.
Well, though I know nothing about rocket ships, I can recommend a sweet and sentimental way
to get there.
Let's follow the musical arrow to the second star to the right.
The second star to the right Shines in the night for you
To tell you that the dreams you plan Really can come true
The second star to the right Shines with a light that's rare
And if it's never land you need Its light will lead you there
Twinkle twinkle little star So I'll know where you are
Gleaming in the skies above Lead me to the one who loves me
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
And when you bring her my way
We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right
Say it isn't so, say it isn't so
Everyone is saying you don't love me Say it isn't so
Everywhere I go Everyone I know
Whispers that you're growing tired of me Say it isn't so
People say that you found somebody new
And it won't be long before you leave me Say it isn't true
Say that everything is still okay That's all I want and all And what they're saying
Say it isn't so
Applause
Great singing job, Dean, as they say in German, wunderbar.
Wunderbar? Well, what's that mean?
Oh, it's easy. It means I wonder when I'll meet you at the bar.
You know, for a minute I thought you had him, Joe.
Well, German isn't necessary in Europe, fellas. You'll get along all right with French.
Practically every head waiter understands French.
That is simply not true. I once went to a French restaurant and ordered everything in French.
The waiter pointed to one thing on the menu and I said, tray bon, tray bon.
Then he pointed to another thing and I said, tray bon, tray bon.
What did the waiter finally bring you?
A tray of bones.
Thanks for your helpful advice.
Yeah, and what's more important, thanks for appearing on our program tonight.
No, don't thank me, fellas. Just thank 20th Century Fox,
producers of Pick Up on South Street, starring Richard Widmark and Gene Peters, for letting me come.
Yes, it was Jim Dandy of the real peachy team.
Thanks again, Mr. Cotton.
Well, bye-bye, guys, fellas. Good night all.
Good night, Joe.
Say, folks, you know, this Sunday is Father's Day.
Dad's the nicest guy you know, so be sure and give him the best.
Give him premium quality Chesterfields in the red and white Father's Day carton.
You'll be giving him a gift of premium quality, and you'll also be giving him the cigarette that's best for him.
Don't just give him any cigarette, folks. Make it premium quality Chesterfields for Dad on Father's Day.
So until next week, this is Dean Martin.
And this is Jerry Lewis saying good night, everybody.
Good night all.
From Hollywood, you've just heard transcribed to Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show,
produced and directed by Dick Mack, written by Arthur Phillips and Austin Kalish,
with music prepared and conducted by Dick Stabiel.
And this is George Fenomen reminding you to listen to Chesterfields award-winning show, Dragnet, Sunday night on this same NBC station.
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