WEBVTT

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Hey, Jer, got a cigarette?

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Have I got a cigarette?

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Dean, I've got these cigarettes.

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You mean Chesterfield?

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I mean Chesterfield.

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Now I'm with you.

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Which means that Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you, brings you

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the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.

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Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.

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They're today's best cigarette pie.

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Come on, smokers, why don't you try?

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Chesterfield, best for you.

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Chesterfield, best for you.

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Regular king size either way.

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Make a Chesterfield today.

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And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean

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Martin.

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Thank you.

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Thank you and greetings from Chesterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

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You know, when I first pitched my pipes into the singing business, I was no different from

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many other struggling vocalists.

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We all had our wishes and dreams that my special wish can be found in the title of my latest

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recording.

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So while Jerry is still in his padded dressing room, I'm going to express my wish.

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If I could sing like Bing, how happy I would be.

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If I could sing like Bing, perhaps you'd go for me.

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Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.

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And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.

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If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.

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If I could sing like Bing, how happy he would be.

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If I could sing like Bing, perhaps you'd go for him.

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Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.

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And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.

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If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.

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Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.

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And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.

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If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.

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Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo.

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Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo.

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Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo.

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

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Ladies and gentlemen, as we approach our wind-up show for this season, I'd like to say just

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one little thing.

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Dean, oh Dean, it's terrible, terrible, oh terrible.

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It's terrible, oh terrible, it's Jerry Lewis.

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Oh, it's simply terrible, terrible, Dean.

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I want to blow my nose.

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Can I borrow your handkerchief?

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Blow it with my handkerchief?

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Why don't you use the one in your coat pocket?

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My nose doesn't reach that far.

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Oh, I get up, Jerry.

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Why all those tears?

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Why all those tears?

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Why?

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Why?

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Oh, just read this telegram.

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Go ahead, read it.

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Okay, your uncle just died and left you three million dollars.

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It's awful, it's awful.

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I don't get it, Jerry.

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If you just got a telegram that your uncle left you three million dollars, why are you

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crying?

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The telegram ain't mine.

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I found it in the street.

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Oh.

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Well, I thought you were sad because this is our last program of the season and we're

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going to miss all these nice people.

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I'm sad about that too.

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Sad, sad, oh so sad, oh sad and blue, blue and sad.

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I'm going to miss the ushers running up and down the street and the

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IA's.

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Throwing out the people who don't laugh.

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Well, it looks like they're in for a busy night.

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You know what I'm going to miss most of all?

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The telephone booth down the hall.

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Yeah, me too.

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Some of those phone numbers on the wall were darbs.

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Positive darbs.

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Now, say Jerry, remember the two sisters we met that way?

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I got the one who was three feet tall.

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Yeah, and I got the short one.

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What attracted me to my girl was her nose.

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Remember the way it turned up?

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Then down, then up again.

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Why, your girl was no improvement.

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She was too.

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She had a beautiful smile.

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Oh, what a beautiful smile.

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She had no teeth.

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I know, but she had sparkling gums.

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Yes, she did.

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I'm going to miss my dressing room with the fellas coming in to play canasta.

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I'm going to miss my dressing room with the fellas coming in to wash their hands.

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And I'm going to miss our wonderful announcer, George Fenneman.

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Me too.

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George, while we're gone, you're going to miss us.

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Yeah.

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He's really taking it hard, ain't he, Dan?

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You know, I'm going to miss Dick Stabiel.

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Yeah, Dick, are you going to miss us?

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Yes, I'll be counting the days till you come back.

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And believe me, I've enjoyed our pleasant association through these past few months.

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I know the fellas in the band feel the same way.

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And I'd like to take this occasion...

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All right, enough, Dick.

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Enough.

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No.

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They're like that.

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We give them one word to read and he goes into business for himself.

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I'm not only going to miss Dick Stabiel, I'm going to miss his whole band.

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Yeah, Joe Stabiel, Angelo Stabiel.

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Rocco Stabiel.

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Giovanni Stabiel.

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Pasquale Stabiel.

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Giuseppe Stabiel.

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Charlie Stabiel.

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Luigi Stabiel.

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Alfredo Stabiel.

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Antonio Muzarelli.

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Antonio Muzarelli?

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How'd he get in the band?

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He came across on the same boat.

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Oh, I remember now.

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Yeah, he's the one that did all the rowing.

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And we'll miss our nice producer.

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Such a wonderful guy, Joe Stabiel.

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I'm going to miss him.

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And I'm going to miss him.

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You're going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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I'm going to miss him.

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And we'll miss our nice producer, such a wonderful guy, Dick Mack.

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Are you going to miss us, Dick?

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I sure will, fellas.

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How long are you going to be gone?

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Oh, oh, oh, not too long.

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We'll be back way before you can clear your throat.

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Remember when this radio series first started, Jerry?

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We wanted to hire a producer for the show and you pointed to the control room.

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Remember what you said?

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Yeah, how much is our producer in the window?

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We're going to miss our writers, too.

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Not after that last joke we wrote.

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Yeah, we're going to miss them all.

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The producer, the sound effects man, the orchestra, the control engineer, the announcer.

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True, Dean.

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We're going to be off the air for two months and do you know what I'm going to miss the

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most?

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What?

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The money.

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Money?

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Buy a humbug money.

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Can money buy you happiness?

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No.

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Can money buy you contentment?

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No.

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Can money buy you friends?

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No.

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Want to try that again with my answers?

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Listen, cigarette smokers, did you ever think of this before?

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Chesterfield is the only cigarette in the country which gives you one

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Proof of highest quality.

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Two.

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Proof of no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses.

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This proof coming from a doctor who's been examining a group of Chesterfield smokers

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for a full year and two months as a part of a program supervised by a responsible independent

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research laboratory.

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Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?

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Chesterfield, best for you.

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No friends and every great new love song I come across, I discover new thrill.

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Now I sincerely hope I can pass the thrill on to you as I sing the song I just had the

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pleasure of recording, Love Me, Love Me.

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Love me, love me, love me with all your heart.

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Kiss me dear while I hold you tight.

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Make this evening a magic night.

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Love me, love me, promise will ever come.

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You can make all my dreams come true if you love me as I love you.

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Darling I love you, I love you more than you ever could know.

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Daytimes of Spain dreaming of you.

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Night times of telling you so.

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Yours is the softness of spring to me.

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Yours is the beauty of fall.

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Heaven is mine when you cling to me.

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You I adore over all.

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Love me, love me, love me with all your heart.

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Kiss me dear while I hold you tight.

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Make this evening a magic night.

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Love me, love me, promise will ever come.

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You can make all my dreams come true if you love me as I love you.

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If you love me as I love you.

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If you love me as I love you.

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Ladies and gentlemen, for our season's finale, we wanted a guest star who was really something

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super special.

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And the one we had in mind was very difficult to get.

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True, true, oh so true.

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We begged, cried, pleaded, what up, got down on a bend and ate up.

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And all that didn't help.

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No, she insisted on getting paid.

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Anyhow, she finally consented to appear because she's a great fan of mine.

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She's a great fan of mine too, Dean.

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She thinks I'm another Kirk Douglas.

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Just look at this fan letter she sent me.

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Dear Kirk, she's not very smart.

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Look the way she spells Kirk, J-E-R-K.

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Anyhow.

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Ladies and gentlemen, our guest became a sensation overnight, but it wasn't until this year's

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Academy Award that she received the recognition she so richly deserved.

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So now, house for a king-size Chesterfield welcome for the best supporting actress of

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the year, Miss Gloria Graham.

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Thank you, Dean.

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Welcome to the show, Gloria.

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You know my partner Jerry?

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Oh yes, I met him once down at the beach while I was digging for clams.

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I guess I dug a little too deep.

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Now, just hear this for a minute.

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I don't take that from nobody, Miss Graham, so put up your dukes.

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Jerry, you can't fight with Gloria.

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She's a girl.

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She's warm, tender, delicate, soft.

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Well that does make a difference, Miss Graham.

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Yes?

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Want to wrestle?

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Well Gloria, when a girl is as exciting as you are, you can't blame a guy for trying.

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Oh women, we're all overrated.

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Take away a woman's hair, lips, figure and legs and what have you got?

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I don't know, but I'd like to start a collection.

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After all, a woman is nothing but a rag, a bone and a hank of hair.

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Shake hands with a happy junk dealer.

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You know, fellas, it's a pretty horrible commentary on our times.

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When will men start to be interested in a woman's brain?

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As soon as they start wearing sweaters on their heads.

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Gloria, you sound like you're dissatisfied with just being a great picture actress.

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Well, in a way I am.

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You work hard day and night for a couple of years and when it's all over, what have you

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got?

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A million bucks.

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That's the only thing that keeps me going.

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Frankly, fellows, the real burning ambition of my life is to produce a picture.

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If you do, I've got a great title for it, The House of Wax.

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Maybe Gloria wants to produce a cowboy picture.

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In that case, we'll call it The House of Wax Goes West.

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Splendid.

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No, fellows, what I want to produce is a biography, the story of some famous man like maybe Mr.

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Henry Kaiser, the automobile tycoon.

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He started off as a barefoot boy with no shoes and now he has millions.

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Gosh, who shines them all?

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Well, Gloria, if it's a man who's accomplished something that you're interested in, how about

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doing the story of my life?

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That's right, Miss Graham.

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Dean once had his picture in a magazine.

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Really?

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What did he do?

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He switched to the man of Shevitz.

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So what?

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Lots of people have switched to the man of Shevitz.

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When they're five years old?

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It's a lie.

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It's a lie.

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I was six.

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You know, Jerry, I'd be more excited about doing the story of your life.

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After all, you went from rags to riches.

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Then came income taxes.

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Back to rags again.

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What such lovely rags.

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I'd love to capture you on film.

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You have a very unusual face.

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I can explain that, Gloria.

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See, his father and mother were related.

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Yeah, that's why I look so much alike.

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Yes.

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Of course, all this calls for story preparation.

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Jerry, how about some background material on your life?

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Well, Miss Graham, I was born in Newark, UAS.

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You mean USA, United States of America?

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No, UAS, under a sink.

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Oh!

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And you see, there were 14 kids in a family.

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Here's a picture of us all.

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What's this standing behind the 14 kids?

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A duck?

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No, that's the stork with his legs worn down.

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I'll never forget the time I was born.

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Doctor, Doctor, can I see my child?

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Yes, Mr. Lewis.

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Here he is.

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Darling, darling, it's a boy.

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A what?

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It looks like a what, but it's a boy.

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Doctor, he looks so puny.

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You think he'll live.

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Is there any hope?

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Well, that depends on which way you're hoping.

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Oh, darling, just look at him.

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He has such tiny nails.

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All babies have tiny nails.

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Grown out of their heads?

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Well, darling, we'll need a name.

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What shall we call it?

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If we don't call it, it'll go away.

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You think?

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I've got a name, darling.

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Let's call him Melvin.

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Melvin?

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Well, I guess we'll have to call him something else.

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Have you got any inspirations?

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Well, I don't know.

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What does he look like?

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Oh, we couldn't call him that.

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Never.

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As the years passed, my father became meaner and meaner to me.

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He wouldn't even take me to the zoo.

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He figured if the zoo wanted me, they'd come and get me.

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The next turning point in my life came years later.

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Mother and father were sitting in the kitchen talking.

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Franchard.

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What do you want now, Reba?

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You'll have to do something about our son, Jerome.

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Every day he stays in after school and empties the inkwells.

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So what?

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When I was a kid, I used to stay after school and empty the inkwells.

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Into your pocket?

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Our boys are dope at school.

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I know that.

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Look at his report card.

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He hasn't passed one subject.

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Oh, but history, arithmetic, geography are difficult subjects.

18:47.640 --> 18:51.400
I know, but how could he fail lunch?

18:51.400 --> 18:54.400
Who's there?

18:54.400 --> 19:02.320
It is Jerome, your man-child.

19:02.320 --> 19:11.280
Father, today is my 18th birthday and you said when I was 18, you'd give me permission.

19:11.280 --> 19:12.280
Permission to what?

19:12.280 --> 19:13.280
Come in the house.

19:13.280 --> 19:16.600
So I did, yeah.

19:16.600 --> 19:20.200
You can come in, son, but first wipe your feet on the mat.

19:20.200 --> 19:22.160
Very well, mummy.

19:22.160 --> 19:25.520
Well, what's taking you so long to wipe your feet?

19:25.520 --> 19:28.520
First I have to take off my shoes.

19:28.520 --> 19:34.040
Well, I'm in.

19:34.040 --> 19:35.760
I'm ready to eat the other children.

19:35.760 --> 19:36.760
They're outside.

19:36.760 --> 19:40.040
Joe, you got the period in the wrong place there.

19:40.040 --> 19:41.040
The period in the wrong place?

19:41.040 --> 19:42.040
Yes.

19:42.040 --> 19:43.040
Oh, oh.

19:43.040 --> 19:44.040
I'm ready to eat the other children.

19:44.040 --> 19:45.040
They're outside.

19:45.040 --> 19:46.040
That's better.

19:46.040 --> 19:55.480
Jerome, now is the time to get a job like your brother Willie.

19:55.480 --> 19:57.840
Yeah, he's working in a department store.

19:57.840 --> 20:02.320
He's singing music at the music counter and selling perfume at the perfume counter.

20:02.320 --> 20:03.320
Yes, son.

20:03.320 --> 20:10.600
The next time you go to the store, if you hear anything or smell anything, it's Willie.

20:10.600 --> 20:21.480
Major and pager, I have a surprise.

20:21.480 --> 20:24.280
I've already planned my own career.

20:24.280 --> 20:28.520
Unbeknownst to you, I've been taking your course at correspondent school.

20:28.520 --> 20:30.920
Oh, that's wonderful, Jerome.

20:30.920 --> 20:32.880
What have you been studying?

20:32.880 --> 20:33.880
Squirrel trapping.

20:33.880 --> 20:37.320
Oh, truly, am I blessed.

20:37.320 --> 20:45.440
My boy, a squirrel trapper will ding, ding, ding and call out the law.

20:45.440 --> 20:49.320
The only chance for you, son, is to marry the wealthy girl your father and I picked

20:49.320 --> 20:50.320
out for you.

20:50.320 --> 20:51.840
Here's a picture of her.

20:51.840 --> 20:54.280
I'm sorry, but I must hurt you, Major and pager.

20:54.280 --> 20:55.720
I'm in love with our neighbor.

20:55.720 --> 20:56.720
She's the girl of my dreams.

20:56.720 --> 20:59.560
Oh, but son, she's a bubble dancer.

20:59.560 --> 21:01.760
That'll give you a rough idea what I dream about.

21:01.760 --> 21:06.680
Mother, I've asked Jerome's intended to come here.

21:06.680 --> 21:08.160
Please leave the room.

21:08.160 --> 21:09.800
But why can't I stay?

21:09.800 --> 21:13.000
Because what I have to say to her is not for a lady's ears.

21:13.000 --> 21:15.280
And besides, we need you to play the part.

21:15.280 --> 21:16.720
Who's there?

21:16.720 --> 21:24.200
It's just, honey child, honey child, Miss Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann Dixiebell, Magnolia,

21:24.200 --> 21:27.640
corn porn, chickland cow.

21:27.640 --> 21:30.920
Cindy Lou was British.

21:30.920 --> 21:31.920
Come on in.

21:31.920 --> 21:33.920
Hello, Pappy Levy.

21:33.920 --> 21:37.400
You all, you all sure ain't dressed to me lady, you all.

21:37.400 --> 21:39.160
What's that you all wearing, you all?

21:39.160 --> 21:42.160
Just my over, you all.

21:42.160 --> 21:47.680
Oh, shucks and hominy grits.

21:47.680 --> 21:50.080
You all ain't from the South.

21:50.080 --> 21:53.240
You can always tell Southern gentlemen by their drool.

21:53.240 --> 21:59.120
Well, he's wearing his under his over, you all.

21:59.120 --> 22:14.720
Now listen here, Miss Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann Dixiebell, Magnolia, corn porn, chickland

22:14.720 --> 22:15.720
cow, whom ma'am.

22:15.720 --> 22:18.360
I ain't going to have no bubble dance and marry my son.

22:18.360 --> 22:21.720
Oh, but honest, honey child, I won't besmirch the family's name.

22:21.720 --> 22:23.720
I only been arrested once.

22:23.720 --> 22:24.720
Pappy.

22:24.720 --> 22:25.720
Showed enough.

22:25.720 --> 22:26.720
Showed a little too much.

22:26.720 --> 22:33.600
Listen, Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann and stuff like that there, Calhoun.

22:33.600 --> 22:35.720
If you marry Jerome, what will become of him?

22:35.720 --> 22:36.720
Shucks.

22:36.720 --> 22:40.520
Everybody knows that he'll meet up with Dean Martin and wind up on the Chesterfield program.

22:40.520 --> 22:41.520
Who told you that?

22:41.520 --> 22:43.320
A fortune teller down South.

22:43.320 --> 22:47.720
She reads tobacco leaves.

22:47.720 --> 22:50.800
My dear, marriage to you would ruin my son's career.

22:50.800 --> 22:56.320
In 1953, Martin and Levich toured Europe and they found out the public doesn't go for performers

22:56.320 --> 22:57.320
like you in England.

22:57.320 --> 23:00.680
True, dad, but in Italy she'd be a sensation at the wine festival.

23:00.680 --> 23:07.280
Me, a bubble dancer, become a sensation at the wine festival, but how can you be sure?

23:07.280 --> 23:08.280
It's a cinch.

23:08.280 --> 23:26.280
Instead of bubbles, you'll use grapes.

23:26.280 --> 23:35.720
Chesterfield is years ahead of all cigarettes.

23:35.720 --> 23:39.840
Recent chemical analysis give an index of good quality for the country's six leading

23:39.840 --> 23:41.640
cigarette brands.

23:41.640 --> 23:46.940
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows

23:46.940 --> 23:51.080
Chesterfield quality highest.

23:51.080 --> 23:55.920
Fifteen percent higher than its nearest competitor.

23:55.920 --> 24:01.080
Thirty one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.

24:01.080 --> 24:04.200
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?

24:04.200 --> 24:09.000
Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you.

24:09.000 --> 24:19.760
Try Chesterfield today, regular or king size.

24:19.760 --> 24:21.360
Songs today go through various cycles.

24:21.360 --> 24:24.720
One season we'll hear a lot of sad tunes, the next season a lot of happy ones.

24:24.720 --> 24:29.360
Tonight I'd like to do a little number that has the elements of both, sadness and happiness.

24:29.360 --> 24:33.400
So let's mix them up sweetly, Richard.

24:33.400 --> 24:57.280
I won't cry anymore, now that you left me I won't cry anymore, now that you're gone

24:57.280 --> 25:23.840
I've shed a million tears since we're apart But tears can never mend

25:23.840 --> 25:33.200
Your broken heart I won't sigh anymore

25:33.200 --> 25:45.280
I'll just forget you And I'm closing the door

25:45.280 --> 25:58.080
Of memories Though you're the one love

25:58.080 --> 26:08.040
That my arms are longing for This is goodbye

26:08.040 --> 26:36.160
I won't cry anymore

26:36.160 --> 26:52.600
I won't cry anymore

26:52.600 --> 27:09.840
I won't cry anymore

27:09.840 --> 27:26.680
I won't cry anymore

27:39.840 --> 28:08.080
I won't cry anymore

28:08.080 --> 28:37.320
I won't cry anymore

28:39.040 --> 29:07.320
I won't cry anymore

29:07.320 --> 29:21.560
I won't cry anymore