Hey, Jer, got a cigarette?
Have I got a cigarette?
Dean, I've got these cigarettes.
You mean Chesterfield?
I mean Chesterfield.
Now I'm with you.
Which means that Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you, brings you
the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show.
Chesterfield is best for you, much milder, better tasting too.
They're today's best cigarette pie.
Come on, smokers, why don't you try?
Chesterfield, best for you.
Regular king size either way.
Make a Chesterfield today.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to bring you our master of ceremonies, Dean
Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you and greetings from Chesterfield, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, when I first pitched my pipes into the singing business, I was no different from
many other struggling vocalists.
We all had our wishes and dreams that my special wish can be found in the title of my latest
recording.
So while Jerry is still in his padded dressing room, I'm going to express my wish.
If I could sing like Bing, how happy I would be.
If I could sing like Bing, perhaps you'd go for me.
Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.
And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.
If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.
If I could sing like Bing, how happy he would be.
If I could sing like Bing, perhaps you'd go for him.
Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.
And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.
If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.
Now everyone agrees that Bing is fun to hear.
And if I don't do quite as well, just make believe he's near.
If I could sing like Bing, forever more you'd hear.
Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, as we approach our wind-up show for this season, I'd like to say just
one little thing.
Dean, oh Dean, it's terrible, terrible, oh terrible.
It's terrible, oh terrible, it's Jerry Lewis.
Oh, it's simply terrible, terrible, Dean.
I want to blow my nose.
Can I borrow your handkerchief?
Blow it with my handkerchief?
Why don't you use the one in your coat pocket?
My nose doesn't reach that far.
Oh, I get up, Jerry.
Why all those tears?
Why?
Oh, just read this telegram.
Go ahead, read it.
Okay, your uncle just died and left you three million dollars.
It's awful, it's awful.
I don't get it, Jerry.
If you just got a telegram that your uncle left you three million dollars, why are you
crying?
The telegram ain't mine.
I found it in the street.
Oh.
Well, I thought you were sad because this is our last program of the season and we're
going to miss all these nice people.
I'm sad about that too.
Sad, sad, oh so sad, oh sad and blue, blue and sad.
I'm going to miss the ushers running up and down the street and the
IA's.
Throwing out the people who don't laugh.
Well, it looks like they're in for a busy night.
You know what I'm going to miss most of all?
The telephone booth down the hall.
Yeah, me too.
Some of those phone numbers on the wall were darbs.
Positive darbs.
Now, say Jerry, remember the two sisters we met that way?
I got the one who was three feet tall.
Yeah, and I got the short one.
What attracted me to my girl was her nose.
Remember the way it turned up?
Then down, then up again.
Why, your girl was no improvement.
She was too.
She had a beautiful smile.
Oh, what a beautiful smile.
She had no teeth.
I know, but she had sparkling gums.
Yes, she did.
I'm going to miss my dressing room with the fellas coming in to play canasta.
I'm going to miss my dressing room with the fellas coming in to wash their hands.
And I'm going to miss our wonderful announcer, George Fenneman.
Me too.
George, while we're gone, you're going to miss us.
Yeah.
He's really taking it hard, ain't he, Dan?
You know, I'm going to miss Dick Stabiel.
Yeah, Dick, are you going to miss us?
Yes, I'll be counting the days till you come back.
And believe me, I've enjoyed our pleasant association through these past few months.
I know the fellas in the band feel the same way.
And I'd like to take this occasion...
All right, enough, Dick.
Enough.
No.
They're like that.
We give them one word to read and he goes into business for himself.
I'm not only going to miss Dick Stabiel, I'm going to miss his whole band.
Yeah, Joe Stabiel, Angelo Stabiel.
Rocco Stabiel.
Giovanni Stabiel.
Pasquale Stabiel.
Giuseppe Stabiel.
Charlie Stabiel.
Luigi Stabiel.
Alfredo Stabiel.
Antonio Muzarelli.
Antonio Muzarelli?
How'd he get in the band?
He came across on the same boat.
Oh, I remember now.
Yeah, he's the one that did all the rowing.
And we'll miss our nice producer.
Such a wonderful guy, Joe Stabiel.
I'm going to miss him.
And I'm going to miss him.
You're going to miss him.
I'm going to miss him.
And we'll miss our nice producer, such a wonderful guy, Dick Mack.
Are you going to miss us, Dick?
I sure will, fellas.
How long are you going to be gone?
Oh, oh, oh, not too long.
We'll be back way before you can clear your throat.
Remember when this radio series first started, Jerry?
We wanted to hire a producer for the show and you pointed to the control room.
Remember what you said?
Yeah, how much is our producer in the window?
We're going to miss our writers, too.
Not after that last joke we wrote.
Yeah, we're going to miss them all.
The producer, the sound effects man, the orchestra, the control engineer, the announcer.
True, Dean.
We're going to be off the air for two months and do you know what I'm going to miss the
most?
What?
The money.
Money?
Buy a humbug money.
Can money buy you happiness?
No.
Can money buy you contentment?
No.
Can money buy you friends?
No.
Want to try that again with my answers?
Listen, cigarette smokers, did you ever think of this before?
Chesterfield is the only cigarette in the country which gives you one
Proof of highest quality.
Two.
Proof of no adverse effects to the nose, throat, and sinuses.
This proof coming from a doctor who's been examining a group of Chesterfield smokers
for a full year and two months as a part of a program supervised by a responsible independent
research laboratory.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield, best for you.
No friends and every great new love song I come across, I discover new thrill.
Now I sincerely hope I can pass the thrill on to you as I sing the song I just had the
pleasure of recording, Love Me, Love Me.
Love me, love me, love me with all your heart.
Kiss me dear while I hold you tight.
Make this evening a magic night.
Love me, love me, promise will ever come.
You can make all my dreams come true if you love me as I love you.
Darling I love you, I love you more than you ever could know.
Daytimes of Spain dreaming of you.
Night times of telling you so.
Yours is the softness of spring to me.
Yours is the beauty of fall.
Heaven is mine when you cling to me.
You I adore over all.
Love me, love me, love me with all your heart.
Kiss me dear while I hold you tight.
Make this evening a magic night.
Love me, love me, promise will ever come.
You can make all my dreams come true if you love me as I love you.
If you love me as I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, for our season's finale, we wanted a guest star who was really something
super special.
And the one we had in mind was very difficult to get.
True, true, oh so true.
We begged, cried, pleaded, what up, got down on a bend and ate up.
And all that didn't help.
No, she insisted on getting paid.
Anyhow, she finally consented to appear because she's a great fan of mine.
She's a great fan of mine too, Dean.
She thinks I'm another Kirk Douglas.
Just look at this fan letter she sent me.
Dear Kirk, she's not very smart.
Look the way she spells Kirk, J-E-R-K.
Anyhow.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest became a sensation overnight, but it wasn't until this year's
Academy Award that she received the recognition she so richly deserved.
So now, house for a king-size Chesterfield welcome for the best supporting actress of
the year, Miss Gloria Graham.
Thank you, Dean.
Welcome to the show, Gloria.
You know my partner Jerry?
Oh yes, I met him once down at the beach while I was digging for clams.
I guess I dug a little too deep.
Now, just hear this for a minute.
I don't take that from nobody, Miss Graham, so put up your dukes.
Jerry, you can't fight with Gloria.
She's a girl.
She's warm, tender, delicate, soft.
Well that does make a difference, Miss Graham.
Yes?
Want to wrestle?
Well Gloria, when a girl is as exciting as you are, you can't blame a guy for trying.
Oh women, we're all overrated.
Take away a woman's hair, lips, figure and legs and what have you got?
I don't know, but I'd like to start a collection.
After all, a woman is nothing but a rag, a bone and a hank of hair.
Shake hands with a happy junk dealer.
You know, fellas, it's a pretty horrible commentary on our times.
When will men start to be interested in a woman's brain?
As soon as they start wearing sweaters on their heads.
Gloria, you sound like you're dissatisfied with just being a great picture actress.
Well, in a way I am.
You work hard day and night for a couple of years and when it's all over, what have you
got?
A million bucks.
That's the only thing that keeps me going.
Frankly, fellows, the real burning ambition of my life is to produce a picture.
If you do, I've got a great title for it, The House of Wax.
Maybe Gloria wants to produce a cowboy picture.
In that case, we'll call it The House of Wax Goes West.
Splendid.
No, fellows, what I want to produce is a biography, the story of some famous man like maybe Mr.
Henry Kaiser, the automobile tycoon.
He started off as a barefoot boy with no shoes and now he has millions.
Gosh, who shines them all?
Well, Gloria, if it's a man who's accomplished something that you're interested in, how about
doing the story of my life?
That's right, Miss Graham.
Dean once had his picture in a magazine.
Really?
What did he do?
He switched to the man of Shevitz.
So what?
Lots of people have switched to the man of Shevitz.
When they're five years old?
It's a lie.
I was six.
You know, Jerry, I'd be more excited about doing the story of your life.
After all, you went from rags to riches.
Then came income taxes.
Back to rags again.
What such lovely rags.
I'd love to capture you on film.
You have a very unusual face.
I can explain that, Gloria.
See, his father and mother were related.
Yeah, that's why I look so much alike.
Yes.
Of course, all this calls for story preparation.
Jerry, how about some background material on your life?
Well, Miss Graham, I was born in Newark, UAS.
You mean USA, United States of America?
No, UAS, under a sink.
Oh!
And you see, there were 14 kids in a family.
Here's a picture of us all.
What's this standing behind the 14 kids?
A duck?
No, that's the stork with his legs worn down.
I'll never forget the time I was born.
Doctor, Doctor, can I see my child?
Yes, Mr. Lewis.
Here he is.
Darling, darling, it's a boy.
A what?
It looks like a what, but it's a boy.
Doctor, he looks so puny.
You think he'll live.
Is there any hope?
Well, that depends on which way you're hoping.
Oh, darling, just look at him.
He has such tiny nails.
All babies have tiny nails.
Grown out of their heads?
Well, darling, we'll need a name.
What shall we call it?
If we don't call it, it'll go away.
You think?
I've got a name, darling.
Let's call him Melvin.
Melvin?
Well, I guess we'll have to call him something else.
Have you got any inspirations?
Well, I don't know.
What does he look like?
Oh, we couldn't call him that.
Never.
As the years passed, my father became meaner and meaner to me.
He wouldn't even take me to the zoo.
He figured if the zoo wanted me, they'd come and get me.
The next turning point in my life came years later.
Mother and father were sitting in the kitchen talking.
Franchard.
What do you want now, Reba?
You'll have to do something about our son, Jerome.
Every day he stays in after school and empties the inkwells.
So what?
When I was a kid, I used to stay after school and empty the inkwells.
Into your pocket?
Our boys are dope at school.
I know that.
Look at his report card.
He hasn't passed one subject.
Oh, but history, arithmetic, geography are difficult subjects.
I know, but how could he fail lunch?
Who's there?
It is Jerome, your man-child.
Father, today is my 18th birthday and you said when I was 18, you'd give me permission.
Permission to what?
Come in the house.
So I did, yeah.
You can come in, son, but first wipe your feet on the mat.
Very well, mummy.
Well, what's taking you so long to wipe your feet?
First I have to take off my shoes.
Well, I'm in.
I'm ready to eat the other children.
They're outside.
Joe, you got the period in the wrong place there.
The period in the wrong place?
Yes.
Oh, oh.
I'm ready to eat the other children.
They're outside.
That's better.
Jerome, now is the time to get a job like your brother Willie.
Yeah, he's working in a department store.
He's singing music at the music counter and selling perfume at the perfume counter.
Yes, son.
The next time you go to the store, if you hear anything or smell anything, it's Willie.
Major and pager, I have a surprise.
I've already planned my own career.
Unbeknownst to you, I've been taking your course at correspondent school.
Oh, that's wonderful, Jerome.
What have you been studying?
Squirrel trapping.
Oh, truly, am I blessed.
My boy, a squirrel trapper will ding, ding, ding and call out the law.
The only chance for you, son, is to marry the wealthy girl your father and I picked
out for you.
Here's a picture of her.
I'm sorry, but I must hurt you, Major and pager.
I'm in love with our neighbor.
She's the girl of my dreams.
Oh, but son, she's a bubble dancer.
That'll give you a rough idea what I dream about.
Mother, I've asked Jerome's intended to come here.
Please leave the room.
But why can't I stay?
Because what I have to say to her is not for a lady's ears.
And besides, we need you to play the part.
Who's there?
It's just, honey child, honey child, Miss Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann Dixiebell, Magnolia,
corn porn, chickland cow.
Cindy Lou was British.
Come on in.
Hello, Pappy Levy.
You all, you all sure ain't dressed to me lady, you all.
What's that you all wearing, you all?
Just my over, you all.
Oh, shucks and hominy grits.
You all ain't from the South.
You can always tell Southern gentlemen by their drool.
Well, he's wearing his under his over, you all.
Now listen here, Miss Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann Dixiebell, Magnolia, corn porn, chickland
cow, whom ma'am.
I ain't going to have no bubble dance and marry my son.
Oh, but honest, honey child, I won't besmirch the family's name.
I only been arrested once.
Pappy.
Showed enough.
Showed a little too much.
Listen, Cindy Lou, Melissa Ann and stuff like that there, Calhoun.
If you marry Jerome, what will become of him?
Shucks.
Everybody knows that he'll meet up with Dean Martin and wind up on the Chesterfield program.
Who told you that?
A fortune teller down South.
She reads tobacco leaves.
My dear, marriage to you would ruin my son's career.
In 1953, Martin and Levich toured Europe and they found out the public doesn't go for performers
like you in England.
True, dad, but in Italy she'd be a sensation at the wine festival.
Me, a bubble dancer, become a sensation at the wine festival, but how can you be sure?
It's a cinch.
Instead of bubbles, you'll use grapes.
Chesterfield is years ahead of all cigarettes.
Recent chemical analysis give an index of good quality for the country's six leading
cigarette brands.
The index of good quality table, which is a ratio of high sugar to low nicotine, shows
Chesterfield quality highest.
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Thirty one percent higher than the average of the five other leading brands.
Don't you want to try a cigarette with a record like this?
Chesterfield, first with premium quality and best for you.
Try Chesterfield today, regular or king size.
Songs today go through various cycles.
One season we'll hear a lot of sad tunes, the next season a lot of happy ones.
Tonight I'd like to do a little number that has the elements of both, sadness and happiness.
So let's mix them up sweetly, Richard.
I won't cry anymore, now that you left me I won't cry anymore, now that you're gone
I've shed a million tears since we're apart But tears can never mend
Your broken heart I won't sigh anymore
I'll just forget you And I'm closing the door
Of memories Though you're the one love
That my arms are longing for This is goodbye
I won't cry anymore