It's time for My Favorite Husband starring Lucille Ball.
Jello everybody!
Yes, it's the Gay Family Series starring Lucille Ball with Richard Danning.
Transcribed and brought to you by the Jello Family of Desserts.
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And now Lucille Ball with Richard Danning as Liz and George Cooper.
Two people who live together and like it.
As we look in on the Coopers, it's Sunday afternoon and George is in the living room reading the Sunday paper.
Liz is just coming into the room.
George, have you seen my... George Cooper, would you look at this room?
Huh?
What do you think you're doing with a Sunday paper?
Oh, what does it look like? I'm reading it.
But you've got it scattered all over the floor and the furniture. What are you going to do, paint the ceiling?
It's a shame a man can't read the Sunday paper in peace.
You mean in pieces.
What's biting you?
Nothing's biting me. I was just looking at this room, that's all.
Paper's all over, ashes on the floor, you sitting there in your shirt sleeves with your shoes off.
What's wrong with that?
Oh, nothing. It's nice to have a slob around the house.
I'm just being comfortable. Now, what difference does it make what the living room looks like?
Nobody's going to see it but you and me.
Well, somebody might come by.
Oh, wouldn't it be dreadful if someone found out that our living room has been lived in?
Well, I don't mind if it looks like it's been lived in. This room looks like it's been died in.
Look, honey, I'm in my own house on a Sunday afternoon.
Now, what am I supposed to do? Get dressed in my tux and read the paper in the hall closet?
Oh, what's the use? I might as well give up and admit I'm married to a mess cat.
What's a mess cat?
I don't know. But if they ever look for one, you're the large economy side.
Oh, no, somebody's at the door. What are we going to do?
How about letting them in?
The way this house looks? Quick, George, pick up the papers.
Oh, okay.
Oh, no, let me do that. You put on your shoes.
What for? I don't have any holes in my socks.
George Cooper.
Okay, okay.
And roll down your sleeves and put on your coat.
We're going to feel awfully silly if it isn't President and Mrs. Truman.
Never mind. Hand me that ashtray. Now, I guess the room doesn't look too bad.
I'm coming. I'm coming. Yes?
There's a good old George Thompson to live here.
No, he doesn't.
But this is the address.
Well, you've made a mistake. Now go on. Beat it.
Flirt.
Hmm.
Well, President and Mrs. Truman, come in, come in.
Never mind.
Oh, sit down. Oh, no, not at the piano.
Well, put her there, President. Pardon my claws. I'm a mess cat.
George.
And how's Margaret?
Now that's enough.
Oh, can I relax now, Liz?
I suppose so.
Good. You know, I hate shoes.
You know, if I could get away with it, I'd never wear shoes again.
Well, you can always dye your feet brown and glue on some laces.
That's a good idea. I might try it.
What are you doing now? You're spreading the papers all over the floor again.
Well, where's the sports page?
Oh, honestly, George, you've got the room looking just as bad as it did before.
Oh, what's the difference?
George, I want to have the kind of house they take pictures of for magazines, like young homemakers.
This room belongs in better homes than garbage.
Oh, no. Now that's bound to be company.
Oh, but where'll they sit? The Truman's have the good chairs.
Oh, wait till I look out the window. Oh, it's the adobaries. Quick, put your shoes on. Get your coat. I'll pick up the papers.
Now, just a minute.
Hurry, George.
Nothing doing. I'm not getting tidy for the adobaries. They're our best friends.
But I don't want the house looking a mess.
I'm not touching a thing.
All right. That side of the room is yours. I don't care what you do with it. I'm cleaning up my side.
That's a deal.
Here. You can have these papers on your head and these magazines and this old tired coffee cup.
There. Certainly glad I don't have to go through your side of the room to get to the door.
Hi, Liz.
Liz, girl.
Hi, Iris. Hi, Miss Stadaberry. Come on in.
We were just out driving and thought we'd drop in and see what you were doing.
Where's George, boy?
He's in his half of the living room.
Meg Potton?
Come on in. You'll see.
Hi, folks.
Hello, George. How are... Oh, my goodness. What happened?
What do you mean, what happened?
Well, it looks like the room tilted and all the junk slid to one side.
Yeah, just look at that side of the room.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
Stadaboy, Mr. Stadaberry.
What's going on, Liz? Half the room is neat and half is yee.
Well, it's a little game George and I play called I'll take the high road and you take the low road and I'll have a junkyard for you.
The clean half of the room is mine and that other half over there belongs to George, King of the Hobos.
What caused the great divide?
Well, George just refuses to be neat. He says he wants the room to look lived in.
Oh, bully for you, boy.
Go on, Rudolph. Side in with him. Yeah.
Well, why not, Iris? After all, George is just relaxing in his own home.
He's relaxing all right, just like you do, making a mess.
Making a mess, making a mess.
That all has a familiar ring to it.
Mr. Stadaberry, would you care to join me in the hobo jungle?
I'd consider it a privilege. Where'll I sit?
Oh, just scrape around in the debris. You'll find an old orange crate or something.
Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Stadaberry. Take off your shoes if you want to.
No. I'll take up on that, boy.
I'm talking to my tail and my trousers are getting...
Drop your cigar ashes anywhere you want to.
On the rug? Anyplace.
Gah! This is living!
Would you look at that sight, Iris?
It's disgusting.
Aren't we lucky? We're spending Sunday afternoon with the slobsey twins.
I can't stand to look at them anymore, girl. Let's go upstairs.
Katie? Yes, Mrs. Cooper?
Katie, you've been married five times. Tell me, how can you break a man of being sloppy?
You can't. Each of my husbands was messier than the last.
Oh, you just got to face it. Women are neat and men aren't.
But why does it have to be like that?
I don't know. That's the difference between men and women.
Anyway, I'm not talking about a man. I'm talking about George. I'm going to break him of being messy.
My name isn't Mrs. George Cooper.
You better do it carefully or your name might not be Mrs. George Cooper.
Oh, I wouldn't push him that far.
Remember, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Well, I don't expect him to sit up and speak. But maybe I can teach him not to bury his bones in the living room.
What are you going to do?
Katie, it's time for drastic action. Now, my plan involves having Mother Cooper over to dinner tonight.
Mr. Cooper's mother?
That's right. You'll have to admit the plan is loaded with drastic.
But I don't get it. What will having her to dinner accomplish?
Don't you see, Katie, Mother Cooper is always looking for some reason to accuse me of being a bad housekeeper.
Yes.
Well, I'll leave the house just the way it is. She'll jump at the chance to blame me.
Then I'll tell her it's her beloved son's idea.
It might work. He usually pays attention to what she says.
He always pays attention to what she says. I only know of one time he didn't and she's never forgiven him.
When was that?
The day we got married.
Now, don't move a thing, Katie. I want the old bear to see her cub in his native habitat.
Oh, she'll explode.
And how? There'll be three for dinner tonight, Katie. George and me and old blockbuster Cooper.
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J-E-L-L-O
And now back to Lucille Ball in My Favorite Husband.
As we return to the Coopers, the trap is all set for Liz to change George into a neat, orderly husband, with the unknowing aid of Mother Cooper, her mother-in-law.
Mother Cooper will be here any minute, Katie. I threw a little extra bait into the trap. A couple of empty beer cans and stuff.
Where's Mr. Cooper? I just looked into the living room and didn't see him.
Oh, he's in there somewhere. If you lift the right piece of junk, you'll find him.
Oh, that's her. Mother Cooper, queen of the dust catchers.
Well, she won't have to test any table tops with her finger tonight. It's just as dirty as she's always hoped it would be.
I'll let her in.
Okay, gosh, this is a mother-in-law's dream to catch daughter-in-law with her vacuum cleaner down.
It's all right, Katie. I'll get it.
All right.
Mother, come in.
George, my little baby. How are you?
Oh, fine. Liz, Mother's here.
Coming. Hi, Mother Cooper.
Elizabeth dear.
Gee, I'm glad you could come tonight.
George, you don't look well. How do you feel, baby?
I'm all right.
And how are you, Elizabeth?
Oh, I'm...
Now, George, you take care of me.
Nice of you to ask. I really feel terrible.
I couldn't stand it if you were sick, George.
Oh, don't worry about me. I won't pull through. How are you?
Well, that's good.
Well? Oh, wasn't I properly concerned about your health, Elizabeth?
It's just that you never look sick. You look like a horse to me.
That usually goes as strong as a horse.
Let's go into the other room. You didn't tell me Mother was coming over, Liz.
Well, I wanted to surprise you, dear.
Well, go on into the living room, Mother.
Yeah, into the living room.
I have to get some pipe tobacco from the den. I'll be right in.
Come on, Mother. Well, here's the living room.
Well?
Well what?
The condition of this room.
Well?
Elizabeth, when you had this fight, you didn't hurt George, did you?
I don't know what you're talking about. This is just a nice, comfortable living room.
Comfortable? Only a pig would be comfortable in this room.
I can't argue with that. It's right from the old sour self.
Such housekeeping. When I think of poor George and the kind of house I used to keep for him, well, I won't say a thing.
Oh, go ahead.
No, no, I'm no longer a mother. I'm a mother-in-law, and I'm not one to step out of line.
Oh, go ahead. Why stop now?
Elizabeth, when you finally prevailed upon George to marry you, I-
Just a minute. I prevailed upon George.
That's what I said.
And when that happened, I said to myself, Letitia, Letitia, no matter what goes on in that house, you are not to open your mouth.
Is that what you said to yourself?
Yes.
It must have been hard to hearing.
You should be thankful, Elizabeth, that you have a mother-in-law who'll keep quiet about this. I am not going to say a word.
You're not?
No. Quiet, here comes George.
Well, Mother, I'm glad you came over tonight. What's new?
This is the most disgraceful-looking room I've ever seen.
That's what's new.
Oh!
What are you laughing at, Elizabeth?
Oh, I've been battling George for days about the condition of this room. This is the way he wants it.
This is the way he wants it?
Yes.
Oh. Well, what do you mean, well? If George likes it this way-
I'm dead.
I just think a house should look lived in.
Well, I think you're absolutely right, baby.
Pardon me while I go out and shoot myself.
I don't understand you, Elizabeth. Don't George's wishes mean anything to you? After all, a man's home is his castle.
Well, he ought to learn to pick up his drawbridge once in a while.
Paul, you're just being oversensitive, Liz.
Okay, I give up. Apparently, blood is thicker than dust. Go on, wallow around all you want.
Pardon me, a telephone for Mrs. Cooper.
I'll be right there.
Mother, I know it hurts, but there are two Mrs. Coopers now, remember?
Uh, it's for Mrs. Cooper Senior.
This is not my day.
I'll be right back, George.
Liz, how do you always manage to get Mother so upset?
I don't know. I'm just lucky, I guess.
Well, she really likes you, Liz. You just don't give her a chance.
Yeah.
George! George, do you know who that was? Grace Davis. She's down at the station.
No.
Yes.
An old acquaintance of mine, Liz.
Oh, acquaintance, he says.
I heard him.
You don't mind if she comes over here tonight, do you, Liz?
No, Mumsy, bring her over. We'll all go in the living room, a-plavoring around the ash can.
She's waiting at the station. I told her we'd pick her up. Will you drive me down, George?
Sure, Mother.
Um, Elizabeth, since company's coming, don't you think you should tidy up a bit?
Oh, heavens no. Our living room wouldn't look lived in.
Yes, dear. Well, I did say George was right, but this is different.
Different.
You understand, don't you, dear?
Oh, brother, do I understand. But George wouldn't be happy.
Well, now that I look at it, Liz, it is sort of a mess.
Another quick change artist heard from. All right, run along, you two. I'll fix the room.
That's fine, dear. Come on, George, baby.
Oh.
Mrs. Cooper, I couldn't help hearing, are you really going to fix the living room?
Of course, Katie, I'm going to fix it.
Good.
What do you mean?
They want a house to look lived in.
Well, when they get back here with their precious guests, this is going to be the most lived-in house in town.
Well, here's our house, Grace.
Oh, it looks lovely. I'm so anxious to see the inside.
Oh, you'll love it. Elizabeth is a fine housekeeper.
Oh, well, maybe I can do an article on it.
That's right. You're with the newspaper, aren't you?
No, not anymore. I'm with the magazine now.
Well, here we are. Go on in.
I can hardly wait for you to meet Liz. She's... Oh, dear me. What's that in the hall?
It looks like a wheelbarrow full of cans.
It smells like it, too.
Hey, who hung that old inner tube over the lamp?
George, I think we'd better take Grace down to my... Hi, everybody. Come on in.
Too late.
Yeah, Miss Davis, I'd like you to meet my wife, Liz.
How do you do?
Put her there, Davis.
I guess we surprised you, dear.
Heck no.
From the look of that outfit, you must have been working in the garden or something.
What do you mean, working in the garden? I'm dressed for company. This is my best sweatshirt.
I would have even worn my shoes, but I had ivy planted in one of them.
Always joking, aren't you, Elizabeth?
What's the matter with you? Something different about me tonight? Come on in the living room, Davis.
Well, I'm afraid we can't stay after all, Elizabeth.
Oh, don't be silly. I'm not busy. Come on in.
Is this the living room?
Sure. Go on in. Just duck under the clothesline.
Liz, have you gone crazy?
Hey, watch out for that long underwear. I got my head caught once and it flipped...
Clean over the piano. Remember, George?
We need to save for this.
Sit down, Grace.
I can't. There's a nest of eggs in this chair.
Oh, darn it. I told that chicken a hundred times not to lay eggs in the living room.
Oh, now stop being ridiculous, Liz. We don't have any chickens, Grace.
That's a cat. He does imitation.
I think I'm going to faint. Let me sit down.
Well, there goes a dozen eggs.
Liz, this has gone far enough. Now, what's that chicken doing in the living room?
It's your fault, George.
Mine?
Sure. I told you to put more slats on the bedroom door.
Oh, George, this is the most wonderful household I've ever seen.
Oh, it's lived in.
Well, I'd love to do an article on it. It would be perfect for my magazine.
Oh, you're a writer. Sure, go ahead, do an article.
Oh, would you write it? Your own story?
No.
Sure, why not? I'll call it We Live Like Pigs.
I'll sign it with my pen name.
May I take pictures?
Absolutely not.
Sure you can. Don't listen to him. Who are you with, Davis, the Farm and Feed Journal?
No.
The Livestock Gazette?
No, I'm the editor of the Young Homemakers magazine.
Oh, no!
Yes, Lucille? What's the commercial caper tonight?
Tonight, Robert, I am a lady scientist and you are my assistant.
A little scientific music, please, maestro.
How do you do, doctor?
How do you do?
Are you my new assistant?
Yes, what would you like me to do first?
Well, first I'd like you to clean up the laboratory.
Doctor, I understand you've just completed a very secret experiment.
I have? Oh, I have, yes.
I've been working for twenty years on this experiment. I've given my life to it.
Many's the night I've burned my bunsen at both ends.
Tell me, what is your great discovery?
Well, come here and I'll whisper it to you.
I have discovered jello puddings.
But doctor, they've already discovered jello puddings.
They have?
Yes, jello puddings have been a trio of treats for years.
But that's impossible.
It's true.
Well, at least they haven't discovered my special jello chocolate pudding.
It's delicious with deep down chocolatey goodness.
Yes, they have.
Oh, I've been sandbagged.
Well, what about jello butterscotch pudding with that buttery brown sugar flavor?
They've discovered that too.
They have?
Yes, and jello vanilla pudding, rich and smooth as cream.
Oh, I wish I was there.
Don't feel bad.
Say, tell me, have they?
Yes.
I have.
Well, just for that I won't give them my secret formula.
You mean all you do is add milk and they take about five minutes to cook?
You pee.
Well, whoever discovered them, they're a wonderful contribution to the world
because jello puddings are nourishing too, and a swell dessert for the kids.
Oh, so is mine.
Oh, I'm so mad I'm going to pour this into this.
Good night, Bob Lamont.
George, do you have the hiccups?
No.
Oh, George, I can't sleep while you're hiccuping like that.
Well, I'm sorry, but I can't help it.
Well, I'll try to scare you. That always works.
Oh, right.
I'm leaving you for another man.
Oh, I can't scare you. Go to sleep.
I can't sleep.
Well, I've got to get some sleep. I'm going down to Miller's first thing in the morning.
They're having a big sale on mink coats.
That did it. Good night, George.
You have been listening to My Favorite Husband starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning
and based on characters created by Isabel Scott Rorick.
Tonight's transcribed program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer,
who wrote the script with Madeleine Pugh and Bob Carroll Jr.
Original music was composed by Marlon Skiles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch.
The part of Katie the maid was played by Ruth Parrott.
Watch for Lucille Ball in Fancy Pants with Bob Hope.
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Be sure to listen to Lucille Ball in My Favorite Husband again next week,
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This is CBS, where you meet Lucille Ball and My Favorite Husband every Sunday night,
the Columbia Broadcasting System.