I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man, and I'm here to read the funnies to you
happy boys and honeys.
Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time.
And here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness.
Right out of the pages of Puck the Comic Weekly, straight into your living room, your friend
the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man.
Hello, hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
Well, little Miss Honey, how are you today?
Eager and anxious, how are you?
I'm just fine, but I'm eager and anxious to find out what you're eager and anxious about.
Well, I'm eager to know what happens to the boys in Peter Pan because last week the Indians
captured them and tied them to a stake and the chief said he was going to burn them at sundown
if Tiger Lily, that's the chief's daughter, wasn't returned.
And the boys can't return Tiger Lily because Captain Hook has captured her.
Well, that's something to be eager and anxious about.
Yes, it is.
Also, I'm eager to find out more about what's going to happen to Dick because he met Jim
Bowie, who has a special kind of knife that he invented that's very unusual.
Yes, it is.
So then could we please hurry and read the funniest piece, could we hurry?
Puck the Comic Weekly.
Very well, I'll read that in just a moment.
But before I do, let's listen to this nice man.
Now here we go with Puck the Comic Weekly and on the first page under bringing up father,
Beetle Bailey.
Magic, wait for the music please.
Very well, my lady.
Toot me a toot and tweet me a tweetle.
Squeeze out music from Bailey the Beetle.
Today, Beetle and his friend Killer are standing in front of the staff office.
Killer has a camera and is taking Beetle's picture.
Beetle looks pretty sad.
Killer says, well, don't just stand looking into the camera.
Can't you do something active?
Well, how about tossing a ball up?
Well, it's better than dropping your face down.
So Beetle takes the ball out of his pocket and tosses it up.
The ball lands on the roof and is caught in the raindrop.
Uh oh.
Well, just a minute till I get the ball back.
So Beetle climbs up on the porch railing.
Then he leans way over and reaches in the raindrop for the ball.
Just then, last picture, top row, the door opens.
Whoops.
And there's Beetle hanging over the sergeant, his fingertips touching the raindrop
and his toes hooked over the top of the door.
The sergeant yells, what's going on out here?
And then Beetle loses his hold.
First picture of bottom row, he falls under the sergeant.
It's a parachute attack.
Beetle hangs under the sergeant, hands over the sergeant's eyes.
Help, help, I can't see.
The sergeant who was holding a fire extinguisher stumbles off the porch.
Oops, I tripped.
The fire extinguisher goes off and Beetle is squirted by the fluid.
Hey, run, that stuff will ruin your uniform.
Beetle dashes around the corner and leaps into a garbage can.
And last picture, killer who was still holding the camera says,
that was a little too active.
I couldn't get you in focus.
And Beetle who is upside down in the garbage can waves his legs and yells,
get me out of here.
Wasn't that funny?
When Beetle was reaching up in the raindrop, the sergeant opens the door
and Beetle fell right onto the sergeant.
Yes, poor Beetle.
No matter what he tries, it always comes out wrong.
Yes, but I love him because he's so funny.
Yes, so did I.
Oh, now could you hurry up and meet Peter Pan?
Oh, yes, because the boys were captured by the Indians last week.
Yes, and I want to know what happened.
Very well, let's turn over the page.
Go past Little Iodine and Prince Val, who was getting ready for a long trip.
Turn over that page.
Go past page four.
Turn over page five.
Go past Buzz Sawyer on page six.
And there on page seven is Peter Pan.
And you remember last week the boys had been captured by the Indians
and tied to a stake.
And that wasn't too unusual because the boys in Neverland
always played a game with the Indians.
You see, if the boys captured the Indians, they'd let the Indians go.
That's next day.
If the Indians captured the boys, next day the Indians would let the boys go.
Yes, there was always a game that they played.
Yes, that's right.
But this time the chief wouldn't let the boys go
because he said someone had captured Tiger Lily, the Indian chief's daughter.
Yes, and he said that if Tiger Lily weren't returned by sunset,
the boys would all be burned at the stake.
Yes, and Peter Pan has gone away with Wendy
and doesn't know what's happened to the boys.
And he doesn't know either that Captain Hook, that pirate,
has captured Tiger Lily and is taking her away in a boat.
Well, let's read and see what happens next.
Here we go with Peter Pan.
Say the magic words with me.
Pirates, crocodiles, Peter Pan,
and we'll start music for Never Never Land.
Unaware that her brothers and the lost boys have been captured by the Indians,
Wendy flies with Peter Pan to Mermaid Lagoon.
They land on the edge of a rock beside the lagoon,
and Wendy sees beautiful mermaids, strange creatures, half fish and half women.
Some are swimming, some are drying their hair on the rocks.
Wendy says, oh, just imagine real live mermaids.
Yeah, come on and meet them.
The mermaids all see Peter and greet him.
Hello, Peter. Hello, Mermaid. Hello, Mermaid.
Hi, everybody.
Tell us where to get the adventure, Peter.
I'll tell you the adventure.
Okay, sure.
The mermaids quickly swim to the rock where Peter is sitting.
They gather around him as Peter begins to tell a story.
Well, there I was in Marooner's Rock, surrounded by 40 or 50 pirates,
and then all of a sudden...
Last picture top row, Peter stops suddenly.
Shh. Listen.
First picture bottom row, Peter scrambles to the top of the rocks,
looks out over the bay.
Yep, it's Captain Hook, all right.
At the mention of Captain Hook's name, the mermaids all leap into the water.
Peter seizes Wendy by the hand.
Quick, Wendy, come on.
And away they fly.
In no time at all, they're on the trail of Captain Hook's boat.
Hey, look. They've captured Tiger Lily.
They're taking her to Skull Rock. We must see what they're up to.
At that moment, last picture, the water behind Captain Hook's boat is split,
and ahead of the giant crocodile who wants to eat Captain Hook appears.
And unseen by Hook, the crocodile slithers steadily after Hook's boat.
Oh, goody. Now Peter knows that Captain Hook has Tiger Lily.
And what's more, he's on Hook's trail.
And if I know Peter, he's going to cause Captain Hook a lot of trouble.
Yes, and don't forget that crocodile.
Maybe that crocodile will help Peter fight Hook.
We'll find that out next week.
Well, now it's time for Dagwood and Blondie.
Oh, and I just love that Dagwood. He does such funny things.
Yes, well, let's turn over the page
and pick up page one of the second section of Puck the Comic Weekly.
And here we go with Dagwood and Blondie.
I'm a food, I'm a fum, zim, zam, zombie.
Conjure me music for Dagwood and Blondie.
Dagwood's doorbell rings.
Dagwood opens the door, and there stands Mr. Beasley, the mailman,
with his whistle in his face. Dagwood greets him.
Oh, hello, Mr. Beasley. How are you?
Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Beasley, can I borrow your whistle to referee Alexander's basketball game today?
Before Beasley has a chance to say yes or no,
Dagwood jerks the whistle out of his hands.
Beasley goes out of the door sadly.
I feel naked without my whistle.
Dagwood gives the whistle a toot.
This is great. I'll be just like a professional referee with this whistle.
Last picture top row, the mailman is down the street.
He comes up to a house, rings the doorbell.
Now I have to ring doorbells just like a common, ordinary person.
First picture, second row, the door is open.
Beasley is whopped on the head with an umbrella.
He lies on the ground, his head throbbing.
The lady of the house bends over him.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Beasley, but you rang my bell
just like a mail collector who's been pestering me.
A few minutes later, Beasley staggers up to another house.
He rings the doorbell, the door opens.
Hey, gotcha, good for nothing.
Uh-oh.
First picture, third row, Beasley lies on the ground,
his head throbbing worse than ever.
The man kneels beside him, holding up Beasley's head.
He's got a little
bad idea holding up Beasley's head.
I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Beasley,
but I thought you were my brother-in-law.
Second picture, third row, we're at the basketball game.
Dagwood's having a terrific time refereeing the game.
Last picture, third row, the mailman staggers up to another house
He rings the doorbell.
The door opens.
Oh!
There lies Beasley on the ground,
a lump on his head big as an apple,
and throbbing worse than ever.
Two dogs snarl at him,
and the lady of the house says,
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Beasley,
but my dogs and I thought you were my first husband.
He rang like that.
First picture bottom row,
we're back at the basketball game again.
That's a very exciting play.
One of the players dashes past Dagwood,
knocks him off his feet.
Another player makes a leap at the ball.
His fist swings back into Dagwood's mouth.
At that moment,
Beasley comes in the door of the gym.
A basketball game or no basketball game,
I'm going to get my whistle back.
Just then, Dagwood's son Alexander
and another boy come out of the gym,
carrying Dagwood.
Alexander sees Mr. Beasley.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Beasley,
but Pop swallowed your whistle during an exciting play.
And as they carry Dagwood out,
Mr. Beasley hears...
whistling
whistling
whistling
whistling
wasn't that funny?
Every time the mailman opened the door,
someone popped him on the head.
Yes, and how tragic for poor Dagwood
to have that whistle rammed down his throat
by that over eager basketball player.
That's so funny.
That whistle blowing inside of Dagwood.
Yes, every time he takes a breath,
the whistle sounds...
Oh, I love that Dagwood. He's so funny.
Yes, he is.
Well, now let's turn over the page and see who's there.
Oh, look, there's Flash Gordon.
Oh, that's right, and he was captured by Dr. Stella,
a beautiful woman, and her henchmen,
a man named Mark.
And they're both bad people.
Yes, they're planning on trying to get rid of Flash
by some kind of an accident.
And you remember that Flash escaped from the place
where he was being kept prisoner,
and he started to go to the place where he had left his spaceship.
And when he got there, he was horrified
to find that his ship had disappeared.
I wonder what'll happen now.
Well, let's read and find out. Here we go with Flash Gordon.
Riggadegadoondoon, saskamattash,
play us that music for Heroic Flash.
["Heroic Flash Theme"]
Stunned by the disappearance of his crippled spaceship,
Flash gropes his way through the powdery surface of the moon.
His mind is so full of the disaster
that has befallen his party that he fails to notice
the approach of a tiny rocket jeep
piloted by the treacherous Mark.
Flash's preoccupation with his troubles is almost fatal.
There's no sound to warn him that Mark is bearing down
intent on staging the carefully planned accident.
A deft turn of his jeep, and Mark hurls Flash
into the surface pumice, unconscious.
["Heroic Flash Theme"]
As Flash lies there, not making a move,
last picture top row. Mark lands his tiny craft.
Mark hurries swiftly to Flash's side.
He drains Flash's oxygen tanks.
These are small tanks which Flash carries,
which feed air into the helmet that Flash wears.
The air Flash depends upon to stay alive.
Then Mark scatters boulders around Flash's body
to make it appear that Flash has been the victim
of an accidental slide of sun-cracked rocks.
There. That should make it look like an accidental death.
Ha ha ha ha.
["Heroic Flash Theme"]
Mark reports to Dr. Stella, telling her what he's done.
The two of them quickly plan a little act
that they'll put on in front of Dale and Zarcov.
First picture bottom row. They go to see Dale and Zarcov.
Stella looks around the room, asks where Flash is.
Dale, alarmed at Flash's failure to return,
stammers that he went out through the airlock.
Stella pretends to be concerned for Flash's safety
and says they better go in search of him at once.
And in a few minutes, the big tractor rumbles out
through the airlock, with Dale and Zarcov
as anxious passengers.
Craftily, Mark steers the tractor on an aimless route
that avoids the spot where Flash was struck down.
And finally, he guides the vehicle to the scene of the accident.
Then Dale sees Flash, half buried by the rocks.
She shouts, and the tractor comes to a stop.
The door opens, and Dale scarcely waits for the tractor to halt
before she darts to Flash's side.
Quickly, they start pulling the rocks off Flash.
Zarcov, seeing the look appear on Dale's face, says to her,
we'll revive him.
But his heart is heavy with despair.
Oh, that Mark, I hate him.
He's cruel and he's mean and he's bad and he's cruel.
Yes, he is.
The way he and Stella pretend to be friends
when they're trying to kill Flash.
Do you think Flash is dead?
Well, he's certainly gone through a rough time
having the air drained out of his tanks
and having those rocks piled on him.
I should think that that would crush him.
Well, we'll find out next week.
Now look across the page.
There's Dick's Adventure.
Oh, yes, and I'm anxious to read that.
And I'll read that in just a moment.
But first, here's that nice man again
with something interesting to say.
Now here we go again with Puck the Comic Weekly.
And on the third page of the second section,
Dick's Adventure.
Magic words for the music, please.
Say them with me, please.
Riggity-packs, a sack of dick.
Let's have music for adventurous Dick.
Dick is dreaming that he's in the early days of America,
the year 1835.
He's in a stagecoach on his way to Texas
before Texas was a state.
In those days, Texas was part of Mexico.
The stagecoach had stopped at an outpost settlement
so the passengers would be examined by the customs officers
before crossing the border into Texas.
Dick had wandered off to the edge of the settlement.
A wild boar had charged at him from the tall grass.
And just when it looked like Dick would be killed,
a knife whizzed through the air and killed the wild boar.
Dick is talking with the man who had saved his life.
As he stares at the knife, the man brawls,
My name is Jim Bowie.
Welcome to Texas.
As they walk back to the stagecoach,
last picture top row, Dick exclaims,
That's the most wonderful knife I've ever seen.
There, I designed it myself with my brother resin.
None other like it in the world.
Folks call it the Bowie knife.
First picture, second row, Bowie sheaths the blade.
But I don't like using the dick, even when I have to.
They climb aboard the coach.
And once again, they're on their way.
Yep, there, yep.
On and on the coach rattles westward
across broad prairies towards San Antonio.
As the miles slip by, frequent rests are needed.
Dick gets to know the fellow passengers.
Famous names in American history, Davy Crockett,
Bill Travis, Sam Houston, and Stephen Austin.
Last picture, second row, as they stop for a rest,
Dick watches Austin talking with a couple of the men.
Bowie tells Dick, Austin's just come out of jail.
First picture, bottom row, Dick hears Austin saying,
Texas is a big place.
It needs freedom like a bird needs wings.
But I was thrown into a dungeon when I asked for it.
Finally, last picture, the stagecoach reaches San Antonio.
A crowd of native Texans cheers the visiting group as they climb out.
Davy Crockett, Bill Travis, Sam Houston, and Stephen Austin
are all courageous men who have the welfare of Texas
close to their hearts and their popular men.
As Austin comes forth, a shout goes up.
Liberty and Texas!
Oh, those are all famous men because I read about them in history in school.
Yes, I thought you had. They're very famous.
They had a lot to do with the early days of Texas.
And will we be reading about that next week?
Yes, next week and the weeks to follow, I'm sure.
Oh, I won't miss that because stories about Texas are always good.
Oh, you bet they are and Texas is a wonderful state.
Yes.
Now look underneath Dick's adventures. There's Rusty Riley.
Yes, and I'm anxious to read this because you remember that Rusty is with the carnival.
And he has a very good friend who's with this carnival,
a man named Stovepipe who's helped Rusty when he was in trouble.
And he's helped Rusty again because Rusty discovered that a man named Specks,
who has a magic act with the carnival,
has tricked the owner of the carnival into a crooked card game.
Yes, but Stovepipe had sent Rusty for a policeman.
And just at the moment when Dooley lost everything he owned to the magician,
Stovepipe stepped into the tent with the policeman.
And I'm anxious to hear what's going to happen now.
Well, let's find out. Here we go with Rusty Riley.
Gallop and run to the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty.
The policeman stops Specks from beating up on Stovepipe.
All right here, what's going on here? His kid grabbed me outside the grounds
and said a cop was needed in here. What's the squeal?
Stovepipe turns to Dooley's second picture and says,
My reason for interfering here, Dooley, was that I didn't wish to see my old friend
cheated out of his carnival by the use of mock cards.
Dooley answers, Oh, I'm afraid you're mistaken, Doc.
I looked those cards over plenty. They aren't marked.
Last picture top row, Stovepipe says,
Yes, no doubt you examined the cards, Denver,
but you overlooked the fact that modern science can be the tool of the swindler.
Put on those spectacles and take another look.
Dooley puts the purplish glasses on and looks at the cards through them.
He exclaims, I'll jingle you right. They are marked.
Through these glasses, the marks show up plainly.
Specks realizes he's caught. First picture bottom row, the officer asks Dooley,
Well, what do you want to do about this, mister? You can't bring a charged cheatin' in a gambling game.
Matter of fact, you're both on the wrong side of the law playing poker for money.
Well, I don't want to make any charge, officer.
I just want that crook off my lot and that phony Hindu crystalgazer too. And quick!
A little later, Rusty, Stovepipe, and Dooley are in Denver Dooley's trailer.
Dooley is saying, Doc, I don't know how to thank you.
Hadn't been for you, my stupid weakness for gambling would have cost me my carnival.
Stovepipe replies, Ah, but Denver, I merely assisted.
The real hero of this exploit is my young friend here, Rusty Riley.
It was his sharpness which really saved you.
Dooley looks at Rusty and then exclaims, Rusty Riley?
Why, of course, now I recognize you. You're that runaway kid.
Oh, please, Mr. Dooley, I'm not...
One moment, Rusty. Let me explain.
Denver, this boy is not a runaway in the usual sense.
I know his story, and I assure you there are extenuating circumstances.
His motives are admirable.
Last picture, Stovepipe goes on.
Now that Rusty has revealed the base intentions of Mr. Necro, he is no longer employed.
Perhaps you can find a place for him, eh, Denver?
Well, now I am on a spot.
I'm closing up after this Brownsdale run and going abroad to sign up talent.
I'm, uh, real sorry, Rusty.
Rusty swallows his disappointment and says, Oh, that's all right, Mr. Dooley.
Flip and I'll be pushing along.
Does that mean that after Rusty has saved Mr. Dooley from losing his carnival and everything,
that Mr. Dooley isn't going to help Rusty?
Well, it does look that way, because Dooley says he's going to close the carnival down to go to Europe for a while.
And Rusty says that he and Flip will go someplace to live.
Yes. Well, let's hope that Stovepipe will think of something.
Now I think it's time for Roy Rogers.
So let's turn over the page, go past the Lone Ranger, and there on page five is Roy Rogers.
Yes, and this week I think Roy's going to begin a new adventure,
because you remember that as he was riding along, he saw two scarecrows in the field.
And then one of the scarecrows began to run away.
That's very mysterious. I wonder what that's all about.
Well, let's read and find out. Here we go with Roy Rogers, king of the cowboys.
Ayip-ayoo, now here we go with Roy and Trigger. Ayip-ayoo.
As the scarecrow runs away, Roy shouts, Hey, wait up, old timer, wait up.
The man stops and looks back.
Seeing that Roy is friendly, he waits as Roy rides up beside him.
Hey, you sure scared me, cowboy. I thought you was one of them sodbusters.
They call me Scarecrow Katie. And a lot of other names, too.
Well, I'm Roy Rogers. I'm sorry I spooked you.
That's all right. I was studying a Coby and Bob White quail over yonder.
I love birds. They're my friends.
The old man talks, some birds fly up and sit on his shoulder.
Roy says, Hey, maybe you can tell me the trail to Tumult City, Katie.
Oh, sure. Six miles east is the crow flies.
Hey, I got a daughter there. I named her Oreo.
At that moment, first picked a bottom row, Roy looks up and sees the scarecrow beside the road on fire.
He sees two men running toward the scarecrow. And here's one shout.
Hey, hurry, son. Somebody set fire to the straw on that scarecrow.
Roy sees the other man, knock the scarecrow down and start beating the flames out.
And then he hears the other one shout, Hey, Paul, our scarecrow Katie, he did this. Let's get him.
He sees the young man pull a gun to his shoulder and start to shoot at the old man.
Third picture, bottom row. Old man Katie starts to run, shouting,
Hey, don't let him tear. We're trans-getting me, Rogers.
Spark from my pipe must have started to blaze. They'd never believe me.
Last picture, Roy gun in hand rides toward the two men.
The younger of them aims his rifle at Roy, saying,
Hey, cowboy Paul, probably want to scarecrow Katie's night riders are trying to run us nesters out of this valley.
Well, I got a bead on him. Roy shouts, Hey, hold it there, gents.
You're slinging that lead mighty liberal like.
I like that old man. He's nice to birds.
Yes, the birds love him. See how they flew to him and sat on his shoulder?
Yes, but I don't like those two men who started shooting at him right away.
They didn't even give him a chance to explain what happened.
The Rogers are two tough hombres. I'm afraid we're going to have more trouble with them.
Do you think Roy can make them less?
Well, we'll wait till next week to find that out.
Now let's turn over the page, go past Dinglehooper, and look on page seven.
There's Donald Duck. Oh, Donald Duck, my favorite favorite.
And we'll read your favorite right now. Here we go with Donald Duck.
Say the magic words with me.
Squee-jum squee-jum squee-jum squee-jum squee-jum, let's have music to pit a quack quack.
It's a rainy day and Donald's nephews are coming down the street.
They see a long skinny dog sitting in the rain.
Louie says, Gee, he's lost.
Louis says, he'll be taking me to the house to dry,
then check the neighborhood for his owner.
A short time later, Donald comes home.
He opens the door,
and is met by the dog who growls and lunges at him.
Last picture top row, Donald slams the door in the dog's face.
And second picture bottom row, dashes down the street.
Help! Please! Help! Please!
A half hour later, fourth picture bottom row,
the door to Donald's house opens quietly.
And Donald, and a policeman carrying a gun, tiptoe into the house.
Careful, officer. It's a killer.
But there's not a sound.
They tiptoe through the hallway, then into the living room.
And there, last picture, is the ferocious dog sound asleep,
surrounded by Donald's nephews, who are using him for a pillow.
And the policeman stares at Donald like this.
And Donald feels just like this.
Wasn't that a good joke, huh, Donald?
Yes, they told the policeman the dog was ferocious,
a man killer and everything.
And when the policeman comes in the house,
the dog is sound asleep with Donald's nephews.
Doesn't Donald have a funny look on his face?
Yes, he does. He feels pretty silly.
Poor Donald. Everything always turns out wrong for him.
Yes. Well, now that's all the time I have.
But before I go, here's that nice fellow
with some more interesting information.
Well, honey, and all you boys and girls, I've got to go now.
All right, Mr. Comic Bigly Man,
but I'll be waiting for you next week.
Okay, that's a date, and a date with all you boys and girls.
Be sure to meet me with our little friend Miss Honey next week
when I read Puck the Comic Weekly.
For I'm the Comic Weekly Man,
the jolly Comic Weekly Man.
I'll be back to read the funnies to you
happy boys and honeys.
Don't forget, boys and girls, see you all next week.
Your friend the Comic Weekly Man,
the jolly Comic Weekly Man.