Crime and Peter Chambers.
Created by Henry Kane, transcribed and starring Dane Clark.
A well-known investigator, duly licensed and duly sworn, Peter Chambers.
You're a private eye. That's your business. Anything else? That's for laughs.
You're sitting in a little French restaurant enjoying the onion soup.
But it's not the onion soup that brought you here.
Rather it's a prospective client. He asked you to meet him here at La Grande Maison,
third booth to the right.
Mr. Chambers? Peter Chambers?
You, uh, Dr. Burns?
That's right. May I sit down?
Dr. Philip Burns, tall, black-haired, black-eyed, and he looks more worried than Papa when his
teenager hasn't met her curfew.
I'll begin quickly, Mr. Chambers. I asked you to meet me here because it's near my office
and I can't get away for long.
Well, you're the client.
Case history then. I'm married, wife and two small children who, at the moment and for
the next three months, are vacationing in the White Mountains. And I'm a dentist.
And you're supposed to have quite a lot of money by inheritance.
Yes. Now, about this Grace Chandler.
Oh yes, you mentioned her when you talked to me on the phone.
Right. Patient of mine, with whom I've become rather well acquainted lately.
I understand, Doc. Now, where do we fit the prosaic private eye into this?
Well, about two weeks ago, at nine o'clock in the evening, I was home. My family had
already left on vacation and I was about to go out for a date with Miss Chandler.
Oh?
I saw no harm in it. We were just good friends.
Yes, of course.
I received a phone call from an important patient, Mrs. Griffin. She said it was an
emergency. I asked her to meet me at the office and I rushed over there. And this is what happened.
I got to the office, walked into my operating room and there was a man, a strange man, sitting
in the operating chair. He had a gun in his hand.
This is a nice little.38 you got, Doc.
Is that mine?
It's yours, all right. Got it out of your cabinet over there.
What do you want? What are you doing here?
I'm going to use the gun, Doc, and I'm going to use it on you. That's what I'm doing here.
But, but, but I don't understand.
You know a Grace Chandler.
Yes?
I'm her husband. Now do you understand?
He rose up out of the operating chair, a tall man with white hair and a white mustache. He
lunged toward me and suddenly the lights went out. But I grabbed at him and we fought furiously.
And then, then somehow I had the gun, but his fingers were at my throat throttling me.
In self-defense, I pulled the trigger.
I got up and groped in the darkness. I tried to find my flashlight, but it was gone. Finally,
I reached my work table. I found smelling salts and used them on myself. Then I stumbled
around until I got back to him and I kneeled down beside him. He was dead. I got up, the
gun was still in my hand, and finally I found the phone on my desk and I tried to use it.
But that too was dead. I ran my fingers along the wire. It was cut. I left the gun on the
desk and I got out of there. Somehow I got out of there. A block away I found an open
drug store and I called the police. They used their flashlights, found a loose fuse, fixed
it, the lights came on. But there was nobody on the floor. There was no dead body. There
was nothing. And my gun, that was gone too. I absolutely thought I was crazy, Mr. Chambers.
Now look, Doctor, was there a dead man on the floor?
No question. That man was dead. Oh, I admit to terrible misgivings. I've been trying
to get up enough courage to put myself in the hands of a psychiatrist. And you've been
wrestling with this problem for two long weeks, huh? Yes. But yesterday, yesterday finally,
I knew that I was sane. Well, because why, Doc? Why suddenly yesterday? Well, I had a
new patient, one Slocum Blackstone, who prefers to be called Blackie. That's when I knew I
wasn't crazy. I was drilling his tooth. Blandly he said, Dr. Burns, you killed a man, didn't
you? That's what he said. He told me that the police had fished up a body from the river,
that the face was battered and the rest in fairly good condition. He said that that was
the man I had killed and that he could prove it. What else did he say? He refused to speak
any further. He told me to think about it. He said he'd be back tonight to talk business.
Oh, good old blackmail, huh? Mr. Chambers, before I make up my mind on this, I want somebody,
somebody experienced and somebody trustworthy to advise me. You're that somebody, sir. Good
enough. Now, what time is this Blackie coming to your office for that talk? At eight tonight.
Okay, I'll be there at about seven thirty. And to anybody, anybody at all, I'm a new
patient. I'm, let me see, I'm Martin Barnett. All right, Mr. Chambers. Barnett, anything
you say. He gives you a few of the less pertinent facts, like addresses and things, and then
the good doctor takes his leave. You order another onion soup, but you're no longer an
epicure. Everything tastes lousy to you. So you pay and you blow. You have a short visit
with a rich witch by name of Griffin, and it causes a lifted eyebrow. And then you're
downtown at headquarters for a chin fest with good old Louis. Well, Petey Chambers, the
private eyeful. Good to see you. Things were getting a little boring down here. Detective
Lieutenant Louis Parker, homicide, strong sinew of the New York police force, a good
cop, a good citizen and a mighty good friend. Well, you got some crazy questions for old
Louis. Things have been rolling so normally around here, we begin to miss you. Crazy clients,
crazy questions. Well, since I pride myself on being a gentleman, I won't add crazy private
eye. Well, got any crazy corpses around your mord? That's my Pete, never fails. Have you?
Crazy corpses? Like how? Oh, like maybe one that likes to walk around after he's dead,
or that maybe has a special passion for stealing a gun from a dentist. You building up to
something Pete. Or that maybe has three bullet holes in him. No faith. Just a minute. What
do you know about what we've got in the morgue pal? Don't know nothing pal. Why you here
pal? Cause I love you pal. Now look Pete. Now look pal, if it so happens by some peculiar
circumstance you're harboring a corpse in your public morgue that meets with the specifications
laid down by the private eye. Then as a favor, the private eye would like a look-see in the
public morgue. And what else? Oh, a little chop chop. Chop chop? You know, talky talky.
All right, trouble trouble. Let's go to the morgue. Talk. A morgue is a temporary stopover
for dead bodies. They keep them in refrigerated cabinets. And after autopsy they're either
claimed or buried in Potter's field. Parker produces the one you're interested in. There's
your baby. White hair, smashed up face. You look over the hands, they're the hands of
a mature man. Had enough Petey boy? Oh, yeah, yeah, I've had enough. Let me shove him back.
He's our prized possession. Nobody knows him, nobody claims him, nobody identifies him.
Feashed him up out of the river. Dead by drowning? No, no, dead before drowning. Three bullets
in him from a.38. And we've got the bullets. They were still in him when we found him.
Now all you need is a gun, the bullets came from. And whoever owns that gun. The only
additional information a medical examiner could give us was that that battered face
had had a mustache, white mustache. Yeah, that's right, a white mustache. You know this guy?
No. I want you to level with me, Pete. Okay, Lieutenant, let us level. I've got a case
that might involve our Mr. Unknown. So far it's confidential, but well, let me spread
my wings a little and I'm liable to fly right back to you. So at 730 that evening, you keep
your date. You're seated in the operating chair at Dr. Philip Byrne's office, which
is on 86th Street. One flight up and the good doctor is drilling. There you are, sir. Rinse
please. Janet, would you fill Mr. Byrne's cup again? Yes, doctor. Here you are, sir.
All in all, I'd say you have an excellent set of teeth, sir. Thank you, but the drilling
I can live without. Spoken like a good, normal American citizen. Doctor, do you want me to
make out a card for Mr. Mr. Barnett, Martin Barnett. Mr. Barnett, my nurse, Miss Janet
West. How do you do, Miss West? How do you do, sir? Janet West, a tall brunette with
eyes like saucers and going from saucers to saucy. That was her expression, saucy, pert
and very cute. There's no reason to keep you this late, Janet. I'll take care of the paperwork,
card and things for Mr. Barnett. Thank you, doctor. But if you wish... No, no, run along
now. Let me see now. By cuspid, upper molar. Doctor, will we talk now? Rather not. She'll
be ready to go in a second. Well, here she is now. Good night, doctor. Mr. Barnett. Good
night, Janet. Good night. All right, now, where'd you keep that gun? Right there in
that cabinet. Do you have a license for it? Of course. And your flashlight? Right here
in this drawer. Have you come up with anything at all, Mr. Chambers? Well, two things. There's
a stiff down at the morgue that tallies with what Mr. Blackstone told you. And I checked
with Mrs. Griffin. She never called you that night. Doc, what's in this room back here?
Well, that's my work room. It connects directly with the operating room here. Will I be able
to listen from in there? Oh, sure. Where's that from? Outside, the waiting room. What
time is it? Eight o'clock. That's our boy. Okay, lock me in here. That's it. And remember,
listen them out and stall them. We're alone, Doc, ain't we? Of course. You think I'm crazy?
Oh, not you, Doc. Crazy like a fox, that's you. The way you stall them cops and you with
a dead pigeon here on the floor. How do you know? Hey, just listen, sweetie. I own a pool
room downstairs, right downstairs from here. Yes? Business, you should pardon the expression.
It stinks out loud. So that night I'm outside getting a bit of the ozone when I hear them
shots up here. And then I see you come tearing out. I figure it for some kind of hassle.
So what have I got to lose going upstairs for a gander? You found him here on the floor?
Right you are, sweetie. So I figured I could lend what you call a helping hand. I goes
down from a flashlight and then I do the bit. I snatch the gun and I lug him out of here.
And like that, you're guilty of nothing. You know what I mean? Nothing. What did you do
with him? Put him in my car and dumped him in the river. And like that, I'm in business.
I don't quite understand. Yeah, well, just keep the ears picked up. I got your gun down
in my bank vault and the cops, they got a stiff with three bullets in him and they got
the bullets. If the slugs they got match the gun I got, you know what you got? Trouble
by the bush and the pack. Clear? Yes. So we're going to work it like an annuity. Just what
are you selling? Life insurance, sweetie, on your life. And we'll make it an easy premium,
$300 a week. For how long? It's a life insurance policy. You pay for the rest of your life.
Ain't unreasonable, $300 a week and you know it. And you can afford it. Think what I'm
doing for you, Doc. Yes, I'm thinking. You want to hear the funniest switch, sweetie?
My one worry in the world is going to be your health. Keep well, Doc. And if I don't agree
to your demands? You'll agree. You're not one of them big dopes. You got brains, sweetie.
Look, I give you a few days to think about it. Monday at five, I show up for my three
bills and then after that every Monday like clockwork. Goodbye, sweetie. See you on Monday.
Is he gone? Yes. A real cutie, that one. Yeah, real cute. What are you going to do, Doc?
I'm going to pay him. And what happens when he raises the ante? They always do, Doc. What's
your advice, Mr. Chambers? Oh, you mean I'm still working for you? Blackie stated the
deadline, Mr. Chambers, for both you and me. You're a good little detective working on
a case, so you suddenly remember there's one party who should have been interviewed and
who wasn't. Grace Chandler. She turns out to be an acrobatic dancer, a good looking brunette
with muscles in her arms. Yes, yes. What is it, Mr. Chambers? Oh, just a couple of questions,
ma'am, about your husband. Husband? Husband? Well, I won't take up much of your time. I've
got no husband. No husband? Nah. Bye now. Hey, say, where are you going?
The rest of the day develops nothing. And so the next day at about seven o'clock in the
evening, you're outside Doc Byrne's office ready for a bit of a tail job on Janet West.
She leads you all the way to Riverdale, and there a fine looking man opens the door for
her. And what do you know? He's got white hair and a white mustache, real nice face.
You've seen pictures of him many, many times. Only when you saw them, they had numbers beneath
them. Rogues gallery pictures. The mailbox in front of the house says Michael West, so
you get to a phone booth and call down to Parker. Hello, yeah. Pete Chambers, look,
Louie, you remember Mike Andy's? The old confidence man? That's the one. Is he still in operation?
Not lately. Not that I heard. Well, you're gonna hear. Do you have a daughter, that guy?
Yeah, Chip off the old block. Lastly, runs in the family. Well, come and collect them.
What? What are you talking about? He lives up at the Maranek, 1897 Belmont Avenue. He
lives under the name of West. Pick up both of them, the father and the daughter. Oh,
now look, Pete, way up there, I'd be happy to do you a favor, but I'm homicide, remember?
I got more important things to do than worry about confidence. Louie, how is the stiff in
the morgue, the one with the bullet holes? Well, he's still stiff, still unidentified,
still a puzzle to me. Well, I'm in the process of solving that puzzle, Lieutenant. Pete,
you mean... Yes, I mean. Pick these two up and deliver them to the office of Dr. Philip
Burns, 86th Street. Pick up Doc Burns, too. Have him there at 10 o'clock. Keep the old
man downstairs out of sight till I show up, and don't give anybody any explanations whatsoever.
Okay. I'll see you in Doc Burns' office. I'll have the doc there and the girl there and
the old man stashed away outside. Goodbye now. Gotta go and get the old horse and buggy.
And so, close on to 10 o'clock, you're visiting a pool room on 86th Street, and business certainly
is lousy because you're the only customer. There's one guy there, tall and husky in his
shirt sleeves, and he's got even bigger muscles than Doc Burns' acrobatic dancer. Also, he's
got arrogant black eyes that are bolder than a burlesque dance in Union City. Looking for
somebody, Jack? You're the boss? Yeah, I'm the boss. You're Blackstone? Yeah, I'm Blackstone.
Blackstone. You know, that was a great jurist once. Jurist? What's a jurist? A judge, a lawyer.
Look, sweetie, I got a mouthpiece by the name of Rabinowitz. He'll spot you Blackstone 10
points and your boy won't even know he's been in a tussle. Now, what do you want here? You.
What? What's that? We're gonna do a little talking, pal, about a body and bullets and
a river. You the law, Jack? The private law. Oh, Fink. Well, sweetie, here's what I think
of Finks. And here's what I think of muscle guys. Now, get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.
Get up, sweetie. Hey. Come on. Where are we going? We're going upstairs and see the dentist.
There's a couple of cavities that need filling. Upstairs, you join the cast of characters
and Parker shakes hands with you. Hiya, Pete. Everything taken care of. Who's your boyfriend?
What? What's going on here? They're all there except old Mike, plus a lot of cops. And Doc
Burns' eyes are popped like he's studying Grace Chandler's muscles. Mr. Chambers, what's
the meaning of all this? I had your word. It was in the strictest confidence. That's
just what happened to you, Doc. Confidence. Only add the word game to it. Confidence game.
And there stands number one, Miss Janet West. What? Or whatever her real name is. My nurse?
What crazy man. That's ridiculous. Ah, they figured out a beautiful blackmail deal. They?
Who? Lights going out while you're fighting, phone wires being cut in advance, your flashlight
disappearing. What about my corpse, Petey, with the three bullets in it? Welcome to that,
Lieutenant. Now, think, Doc. Think. Who knew you had a gun and where you kept it? Who knew
where your flashlight would be? And who knew you had an important patient, Mrs. Griffin,
that could be used as a decoy? And who knew that you were going out with Grace Chandler?
Come on, Doc. Think. Yes. Yes. Janet, you? But, Doctor, you can't believe your eyes. I
tailed her home. I tailed her home and it turns out her father's Mike Andes, one of
the top con men in the country. By the way, where is he, Lieutenant? Cassidy, bring up
Andes. He'll be here in a minute, Pete. You got them all, huh? Now, look, I got conned
into this too. It was Mike's idea, all of it. Look, will it help me if I talk? Always
helps if you talk. Well, the whole deal was... Oh, here's Mike Andes. That's the man I killed.
Thought you killed, Doctor. Just wanted you to identify him. That's all we'll need him
for, Louie. Okay, Cassidy, get him out of here. The think eyeball is right. The whole deal
was a plant. Mike got a bright idea after his daughter got this job here. Only took
the job because she knew the Doc was plenty well-heeled. Oh, you dirty, miserable little
squealer. Where did you get the Fall guy? I picked up a bum off the Bowery. Picked out
one that looked like Mike. We brought him here and Mike pumped three bullets into him
from the Doc's gun. Then we cleaned up and me and the stiff were parked in the workroom.
Also, we reload the Doc's gun with blanks. Hmm. Then Janet called Doc Burns and gave
him the emergency bit about Mrs. Griffin, huh? Yeah, I think. Then right away, the Doc comes
here to his office and Mike's sitting in his chair holding the gun and saying he's this
Chandler's husband. And during the fight, you turn off the fuse for the darkness, huh? Correct,
Fink. Hey, the name's Chambers. Mr. Chambers. Then in the darkness, after the Doc thought
he'd shot him and while he was stumbling around, we pulled the old switcheroo, switched the
real stiff for Mike. And the phone wire was cut so that he'd have to go out to make his
phone call. Right, Mr. Chambers. Which gives us time to lug the stiff out. We mark up his
face and dump him in the river. And the whole deal would have worked except Mike got stubborn.
Like how? Well, I begged him to get out of the state, but he figured this one was such
a wrap-up, he'd stay home and take it easy. Eh, any time you think you're smarter than
cops, you're dumb. On which philosophical note, Lieutenant, I'd say it's time to transfer
our transgressors to more appropriate surroundings. Say, like, uh, the Who's Gal?
And there you've had Crime and Peter Chambers. Dane Clark was starred as Peter Chambers.
Crime and Peter Chambers Transcribed was created and written by Henry Kane. Others in the cast
were Bill Zuckert, heard as Lieutenant Parker, Ed Begley as Dr. Burns, Leon Janney as Blackie,
and Anne Diamond as Janet. It was directed by Fred Way, and this is Fred Collins inviting
you to tune in next week, same time, same station, for Dane Clark in Crime and Peter
Chambers.
Tom Cooke with the red carpet.
Roger.
Dan Gamble.
Be with us again next week at this same time for another adventure by Peter Chambers in Crime and Peter Chambers.
This is the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.
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