Crime and Peter Chambers.
Created by Henry Kane, transcribed and starring Dane Clark.
A well-known investigator, duly licensed and duly sworn, Peter Chambers.
You're a private eye. That's your business. Anything else, that's for laughs.
It's mid-afternoon of a wonderful summer's day and you're seated on a bench in Central Park,
drinking in the sunshine. As a private eye, you're notorious for drinking much more stimulating
intoxicants in sunshine. But you don't figure to be fired out of the union because there is
a lush and beautiful blonde seated beside you. Her name is Bubbles Greco and she owns, operates,
and performs in a spot on 52nd Street called the Bubbles Club. Ah, Bubbles Greco.
The air, the sun, the sky, the green trees. It takes a night worker to appreciate all this.
Yeah, you and me both. Don't you love it?
Sweetie, as long as I'm near you, I love it. I love anything.
No, no kidding, Pete. This, this night work, dancing in a club all the time,
sort of gets you down. Well, it's the mood, sweetie. It'll pass.
It's too much sunshine. You're just not used to it.
Don't rib me. Oh, I wish I could.
No glamour. That's it. Just work, work, work.
Hey, you really got a bad this afternoon, haven't you? Bubbles Greco, probably one of the 10 most
glamorous women in the country. Great dancer, owns her own nightclub, independently wealthy,
and she complains? What would you like to trade it all in for?
You want the truth? Well, what else, my lovely Bubbles?
I'd like to be a private detective. Why?
You switching the rib on me? No, no, it's the truth.
I think you guys have got the best racket in the world. Always excitement, always activity,
no boss to answer to, action all the time. And when you feel like it, you just knock off and loaf.
You know, I think you're serious. You're crazy, but I think you're serious.
Honey, if you had just one case, if you experienced just one case, you'd be cured.
Yeah? You want to bet? I'd love to bet.
Good. You're the sporting type. Let's bet your fee against six months of free
drinks in my plush saloon. Well, you talked yourself into a wager,
except for one great big catch. Such as?
What fee? Meaning?
What fee? For what case? Beautiful as you are, irresistible as you are,
you think I'd be sitting here actually letting the grass grow under my feet if I had a case?
There is no case. There is no fee. Hence, there is no subject matter for our hypothetical wager.
That's what you think.
Huh? Do I detect a prospective client in the offing?
You detect pretty good, detective, but there's one condition.
Name it. Well, as part of our wager,
since I'm to learn by experience, you've got to keep me on the ball with this thing every minute
of the time. I've got to know from the beginning to the end.
So? Now, who's the pigeon?
Aristotle Skanos. Aristotle which?
Aristotle Skanos, the Greek gentleman. He's only been in this country about four days.
How do you know him? Well, I'm Greek, Pete, of Greek extraction.
Anyway, this guy comes into the club, a very aristocratic gentleman.
Comes in for a little relaxation, and we get to gabbing, and what do you know?
He can use a private eye. For what?
Search me. I mentioned your name, and I know he's been checking on it.
Anyway, you've got a date with him for tonight. Bubbles Club at midnight.
And don't forget our wager. So it goes.
Bubble dancer or senator's lady, you never know where a client drops from.
Let's face it, you're in a business that's as screwy as a three dollar bill.
Anyway, at midnight, you're at the Bubbles Club, and you're ushered down to a choice table,
and a tall guy gets up. You are Peter Chambers?
Mm-hmm. And you're Aristotle? Aristotle Scanus. Please sit down, Mr. Chambers.
Tall and distinguished, Mr. Aristotle Scanus.
Great temples, Van Dyke beard, and eyes as black as a smuggler's conscience.
I'm drinking champagne, Mr. Chambers. What is yours?
Who am I to refuse champagne, Mr. Scanus, especially when it's a prelude to business?
You're quite charming, Mr. Chambers, exactly as I had heard.
That's a new type of recommendation for private eye, charm. Well, to your health, Mr. Scanus.
Champagne, bubbles, Bubbles Club, Bubbles Greco. Let's hope it's a profitable round robin.
Profitable for both of us. Very good.
I hear you're in need of assistance, shall we say?
I'm in need of a good private detective. So you came to the Bubbles Club for a recommendation?
I have found in Miss Greco with intelligence and a clear, sharp mind.
If that's all you found in Miss Greco, brother, maybe you ought to take another look.
No. But seriously, the matter of a private detective came up as sort of a coincidence.
Miss Greco and I were chatting in Greek. Were you aware Miss Greco is quite proficient in Greek?
I'm sure she's quite proficient in Greek.
Well, anyway, your name came up, and answering to an impulse, I checked upon it very early.
And you learned that you are exactly the men I want. Clever, resourceful, sophisticated,
and most of all, trustworthy.
Well, thank you, Dad. Pardon?
Nothing, nothing. Okay, okay, I'm a real big hunk of stuff. Clever, resourceful, and sophisticated.
So where do we go from here?
Mr. Sambris, I want you to come to my hotel. It is Stanley on Park Avenue. It is suite 704.
The bill here is paid. I will leave now. I want you to join me in 20 minutes.
There is something first that I want to procure from the hotel.
Say, you're the boss. 20 minutes then. Goodbye.
Oh, by the way, yes. What do you do? Pardon?
Your business. I, I am a private detective.
So he throws you that haymaker and then he leaves to be substituted by Bubbles Greco,
who pats a cool hand at your cheek and sits down.
How are we doing, partner?
Hey, do you know what that guy does for a living?
Give up.
He's a private detective.
Yeah, I know.
I don't like that. A Greek private eye.
You think it's a monopoly? They got them in Europe. Plenty of them.
Go by all kinds of names. Private operative, confidential agent, assassin, soldier, fortune.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweetie.
Hmm?
About our wager, can't we make it something more interesting than free drinks in a saloon?
You know, you're cute. Maybe we'll talk about that sometime.
But you don't talk about it now. Now you've got a date with a Greek private eye at the
Stanley on Park Avenue, Suite 704.
Who is it?
Chambers. Peter Chambers.
Come in. Come in, sir. Thank you.
Mr. Skanos is holding an item that's got more fun than ever.
An item that's got more flash than a tout spank roll at the racetrack.
It looks like a crown that a queen would wear.
Diamond encrusted and glowing with gold.
Only it's half a crown.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Oh, that's an understatement, Mr. Skanos.
You know what it is?
Let me hold it. Let me look.
Sure.
Oh, boy, that's really something.
You know what it is?
Well, it looks like half of a crown for a queen's head,
or a crown for a queen with a half a head.
You better take it.
It is a tiara, Mr. Chambers. Half a tiara.
A priceless treasure fashioned in 1550 by Benevenuto Cellini,
especially for Eleonora, princess of the House of Medici.
It last rested in Toto, not half, but in Toto, in the Bargello,
famous museum of old Florence.
Well, thanks for the history lesson, pal.
But what are you doing with it?
Or should I say half of it?
The other half, Mr. Chambers, is here in America.
Both halves together, this tiara from a proper collector
could bring half a million dollars.
Separately, each half has but intrinsic value, perhaps $50,000.
It is part of my purpose and your purpose
to bring both halves together.
To the tune of half a million bucks.
Precisely, Mr. Chambers.
Okay, my dear Aristotle Skanos, now let's have the pitch.
It's the pitch, the story on this.
The story? Oh, yes, Mr. Chambers.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
First, about the tiara.
During the time of Mussolini, a good many of the Italian museums
were looted of their treasures,
and the Bargello in Florence was one of them.
This tiara was taken.
After Mussolini's death, it passed through many hands.
I won't bore you with all of that.
But finally, it came into the possession of a contractor,
a great gentleman by the name of George Demetrius.
George Demetrius.
Tell me, did he come into possession of this thing,
this tiara, in Greece or in Italy?
In Italy.
George Demetrius was in Italy
as a sort of quasi-political representative.
He had a lady friend with whom he was very much in love.
She was coming to America.
That is when this tiara was divided.
Easy, easy, do it easy now, Mr. Skanos.
It's beginning to sound a little complicated.
Not complicated at all.
Money is in America.
A fortune could be realized for a tiara in this country.
George loved his lady friend.
What was her name?
Anna Marina.
But he did not love her enough to entrust it all to her.
He saw the tiara in half, gave her half and retained half,
and planned to join her in America
as soon as he could get free from his political entanglement.
And where do you fit into this, Mr. Skanos?
Right about here, sir.
Anna Marina did not go to America.
Anna Marina did not go directly to America.
She stopped off in Paris, which is where I make my office.
And there she retained me.
For what?
This may sound a little brutal to you, but...
Come on, come on, let's have it, Mr. Skanos.
She wanted me to kill George Demetrius
and obtain the other half of the tiara.
That's a real sweet dame.
And what were you supposed to get out of that?
50% of what we would realize by selling the whole tiara.
Wouldn't a boyfriend have given that to her?
He might have. Might not.
After all, the tiara by right of possession was his.
She had no claim.
So this way she's sure of half,
plus she's rid of a used-up boyfriend.
I could not have put that better myself, sir.
Oh, yeah.
So, just casual like, did you kill this guy?
No, no, but I did get to him finally,
and I did get possession of his half of the tiara.
Okay, I don't have to look into a crystal ball
to figure out that you want me to find this Anna Marina for you,
but how come you can't find it yourself?
Well, first, this is not my country.
Of course, I do not know quite how to operate here.
Second, for reasons I will not bore you with,
I am a year and a half late coming to this country.
I see.
Well, Anna was supposed to be living at the ambassador.
Did you check the ambassador?
Yes. She did live there almost two years ago.
Lived there for three months, then vanished without a trace.
I did all the usual checks, and now you.
And if I may be so bold, what's in it for me?
Well, sir, upon the sale of the full tiara,
half would belong to me,
which should be around, figure, about $250,000.
10% of that would be your fee.
Okay, Aristotle, you've hired yourself a boy.
You go home and you go to sleep,
and you have nightmares about foreign assassins
slinky lady spies and daggers and tiaras
and poison in the vegetable soup.
But the next morning, you're out in the sunshine again
with Bubbles Greco and as per promise,
you bring her up to date.
Oh, it's so exciting, you can just bust.
And what's the next step?
Cherche, as the boys in the pool room say, la femme.
Yeah, but how?
Did you ever hear of Perry Quimby?
You mean that fancy Jewish store on Madison?
Well, that's the front.
What's the back?
Quimby's the top fence in this country.
There ain't been a hot huck of jewelry of real value
that hasn't passed through good old Quimby.
Now that dame's been here practically two years
with her half a tiara.
She must've wanted some wood on it.
And so you're gonna see Perry Quimby when?
Right now?
Hey, as a matter of fact,
I'm late for my appointment already.
Bye, Bubbles.
Good luck, honey.
Perry Quimby, smooth, suave, delicate, well-mannered,
but a guy with more contours than a pretzel.
You get ushered through the glittering shop
to a back room that's fitted up
like a hideaway for a sultan.
Ah, the good Mr. Chambers,
please come to the point quickly, sir.
Perry Quimby is an extraordinarily busy man.
Perry Quimby, round blue-eyed,
and a man who's been in the business for a long time.
He's a man who's been in the business for a long time.
Round blue eyes like an innocent baby.
Perry Quimby, about as innocent as a wrought-up rattlesnake.
All right, Mr. Chambers, you said it was important.
You in the market for half a tiara?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You ever hear of a dame named Anna Marina?
I still don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, Mr. Quimby, let's you and me get into a huddle
and I'll throw some signals at you.
You ready?
Mm-hmm.
Tiara, Benvenuta Cellini, Eleonora, House of Medici,
the Bargello, famous museum in ancient Florence.
That's about it, Mr. Quimby.
Now, do we talk about that or about the New York Giants
and my special boy, Willie Mays?
We talk about a tiara.
Well, glad to have you aboard, Mr. Quimby.
Have you by some freak of chance
located the other half of that masterpiece?
Let's first get your half on the record.
I've seen it and I've advised against its sale.
Half, it can bring perhaps 30, 40,000.
Whole, intact, that's different.
It's an item of rarest value.
I have a standing offer from the collector, $600,000.
If you can produce that other half, Peter, my lad,
we can both earn a handsome commission.
I can produce, but I produce my way.
And what would be your way, my boy?
I want to get to that lady.
After all, this is her affair, not yours.
Now, what are you worried about, Quimby?
Any deal that's made, it's got to be made through you.
Reasonable, logical, and incontrovertible.
I'm a man of quick decision, Mr. Chambers.
Anna Marina is now known as Alicia Maritza.
She owns a bookshop in Greenwich Village.
["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
So you're doing the scooter again.
Down to Greenwich Village, the address Quimby gave you,
and you meet Alicia Maritza, or Anna Marina,
or whatever her real name is.
Turns out to be a sultry dame with a hefty figure
and a seductive look.
You state your business, and she leaves the shop
in charge of another and takes you to her apartment
just above her shop.
And there she calls Perry Quimby,
and he must have given you a perfect write-up
because she comes back glowing.
Mr. Chambers, I believe we are in business.
Good, Ms. Maritza.
Mr. Quimby tells me I can trust you implicitly.
Therefore, I shall deal directly with you.
You can tell that to Aristotle Skanos.
I shall have no reason to see him.
You will be the complete intermediary.
Skanos won't complain.
All he's interested in is his half of the proceeds.
And they shall receive every penny of that.
The plan then is this.
I go to my bank vault right now,
obtain my half of the tiara and return here.
You go to Skanos, obtain your half, and also return here.
Then together we go to Mr. Quimby,
and the first step of the transaction shall be completed.
Good enough.
Then go, Mr. Chambers.
Time is of the essence.
["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
You hitch up your scooter and you're flying again.
From Skanos Hotel Suite and with Skanos lending an ear,
you call Perry Quimby just to keep everything kosher.
And it checks perfectly.
Quimby's waiting and the lady's on the level.
Skanos wraps the tiara for you and you're off again,
down to Greenwich Village.
And the lady practically drools as she caresses
both halves of the tiara like a
little girl in a
new-born twin.
Ah, it is like a miracle.
The tiara di Medici, the tiara of Cellini.
Is it not beautiful, Mr. Chambers?
Is it not a work of art?
Yeah, but 600,000 bucks, I wouldn't pay for it.
Would that I could afford to keep it.
But I cannot.
Quimby's waiting, Miss Maritza.
Oh, yes, we must go.
I suppose the money will be on hand within a few days.
Mr. Quimby is most meticulous that way.
Quimby's as good as a bank.
Plus, he earns a lot of money.
Plus, he earns his commission two ways,
from the purchaser and the seller.
Who can object?
And we shall arrange that 50% of the proceeds go to you
as representative of Aristotle Skanos.
I want to be meticulously honest in this transaction.
Oh, you betcha.
Yes.
Yes, who is it?
Skanos.
Aristotle Skanos.
After all, he's your client.
You don't let him cool his heels outside.
You open the door.
And there he stands.
And surprise, surprise, he's got a fistful of luger in his right hand,
and he's pointing it business and forward.
He moves in and slams the door shut.
Oh!
I am welcome, my trust.
Miss Maritza, you know Mrs. Skanos.
That... that is not Aristotle Skanos.
Not Skanos?
You're kidding.
He's the guy that hired me,
the guy that gave me the second half of the tiara.
My name, Mr. Chambers, is George Demetrious.
George Demetrious.
You mean that guy?
You mean you two?
Yes, we two.
This lady, the light of my life, turned out to be,
as you say here in your country, a filthy double-crosser.
But what you told me about this, Skanos, he...
Most of what I told you was true.
She hired him to assassinate me and to steal what was mine.
No, no, please, please, George.
She tried what he failed.
The tables were turned.
I killed him in self-defense.
But before he died, he told me all.
Told me all.
Then I took his credentials,
but I could not leave Italy not for a long, long time.
But finally I am here.
And as Aristotle Skanos, I sought my lady love.
And now...
Now I have found her.
George, George, please, please, George.
What are you going to do? George!
I shall do to you what you wanted to do to me.
Now look, just a minute.
I shall kill you, my lady fair,
and then I shall take what is mine and return to my country.
There is a plane leaving tonight. I am prepared to take it.
Now just a minute, Mrs. Skanos, or Mr. Demetrious,
or whatever your name is.
Mr. Chambers, you have been most kind and most efficient.
For the time being, I shall have to bind you and gag you
and keep you here so that I may leave this country.
Please, after I have attended to my lady fair.
But some day when the tiara is sold,
you, Mr. Chambers, shall receive your full and just commission.
That's real sportin' of you, pal.
But at the moment...
A dame like that is probably entitled to every bullet in the Luger.
But the Boy Scout and you just can't let it happen.
So you throw a body block out.
And down you both go.
And the Luger is the most important item in the scrap.
He uses it before you can get to it.
Oh, and wings you.
But then you do get to the gun and you clob him senseless.
And you've got Skanos on the floor,
or is it Demetrious?
And you're playin' the gun at Miss Maritza?
Or is it Miss Marina?
And you drag yourself to the phone
and pretty soon the place is flooded with cops.
And then you're home with the slug out of your shoulder
and a bandage around it.
But Bubbles Greco is making like a nurse.
And that sort of evens it up.
You bring her up to date on current history.
Oh, it's all so exciting, so exciting.
Yeah, well, let me give you the final deal on it.
Demetrious is getting deported to be tried
for the murder of Skanos.
And Miss Marina is getting deported to be tried
for hiring Skanos to murder Demetrious.
It gets a little mixed up, doesn't it?
And that tiara?
Well, that goes back to the museum in Florence.
Where does that leave you?
With a slug in my shoulder and no fee.
Right now I'm willing to trade in that six months of free drinks
for, well, let us say a bit of special attention
from my gorgeous nurse.
Something like this?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's a pretty good sample.
Tell me, Bubbles, do you still want to be a private eye?
No, sir.
From here on in, Bubbles sticks to Bubbles.
Oh, yes, and so do I.
And there you've had Crime and Peter Chambers.
Dane Clark was starred as Peter Chambers.
Crime and Peter Chambers was created and written by Henry Kane.
Others in the cast were Roger DeKoven,
heard as Skanos and Brian Arayburn as Bubbles.
It was directed by Fred Way.
This is Fred Collins inviting you to tune in next week,
same time, same station, for Dane Clark in Crime and Peter Chambers.
Thank you.
This is the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.
Thank you.