Personal notice, danger's my stock and trade. If the job's too tough for you to handle, you got a job for me, George Valentine. Write full details.
A few years ago, a new slogan or slang expression was thrust on the vocabulary of the American public. You remember it. It came in very handy when the wife wanted you to clean out the attic.
Or your brother-in-law put the bite on you for a ten spot. It was, quote, drop dead, unquote. Of course, it never did you any good, but it was better than 23 skidoo or go jump in the lake. If you listen carefully, you may get some tips on how to use the expression with more effective results.
It all started with a phone call at George Valentine's office by a little fella who was just full of questions. Oh, let's see if George has any of the answers.
Don't you want a story? Hold it, will you? Who is this? Jerry Huell, I said. I'm a writer and I have a story. Yeah, well, this is George Valentine and I'm not a publisher.
Please listen to me. You've got to meet me right away. Captain Charlie's Neptune Palace, the old waterfront district. The captain's who's what?
I live here. It's an old hotel. I'm collecting material. But this particular story, I'm afraid I don't know how it ends. And that's why I need you. Sounds to me like it goes around in a circle.
I want to be there when it ends. Don't you understand? That's why I'm calling you instead of the police.
Police? What kind of a story is it?
Well, it concerns a mysterious stranger and a seaman who choose tobacco. And mostly, of course, the parrot.
The what?
The parrot, a green and orange parrot. Ordinarily, I don't like parrots myself, such mangy squawking creatures, but Captain Charlie, of course, will he's the...
A green and orange parrot. Now look, friend, if you...
Meet me in 15 minutes at the foot of Tide Street, please. You don't want anyone else to get their hands on this story, do you?
Well, I don't know, Mr. Yule. It all depends whether or not this story has a happy ending. And from where I sit, I'll bet you it hasn't.
However, to keep things even, here's another kind of story that I know has a happy ending.
Now, let's see. George and Bruxy were supposed to meet a Mr. Yule at the foot of Tide Street.
Say, that's a pretty rough part of town. You better watch it, George. You might get in over your head.
Is it always so foggy down here?
Only in the summer.
Captain Charlie's Neptune Palace. Quite an ornate old place, isn't it?
Oh, the rooms are empty now, or most of them, and half of it is locked off, of course.
It tips like a one-legged man there where the piling is underneath the sinking.
The commercial docs went away and left this district, you see, when they built the new pier's father town.
Beer and sandwiches. Step into the kitchen and make your own. Rooms, 50 cents.
Quite a come down from the kind of hotel it must have been once.
Oh, but there's no tranchant trade, you understand, Miss Brooks. Just the ones Captain Charlie asked to stay permanently.
Like writers who specialize in foggy stories.
Now, just be patient, Mr. Valentine. I want you to understand this setting, that's all.
It's mood, it's character, it's strange, it...
Shut the door!
Oh, hello!
You want some coffee? Pour your own.
Oh, don't look at me, friend. Captain Charlie, I suppose.
No, no, this is Morton.
Sure, I'm not crazy. I just look that way.
The business cards, menus and wedding announcements, that's his line.
Why?
Why, he used to do the menus on the Lusitania, no less.
Been sunk ever since.
He prints Charlie stationary for him. Not that Charlie ever uses any, but that's how he took him in.
Where's the draft coming from? Morton, the door!
That's all right, Sadie. Go back to your knitting.
Oh, there, that's Sadie. She used to own the place back in the gay days when it was Sadie's Neptune house.
Sure, sure, but Captain Charlie never had the heart to throw her out either.
Who're your friends, you?
Oh, never mind us.
Who's down there?
All we care about is a story, not that we'll ever get it.
Yeah, well, now, Morton here, he was in it.
Oh, no, I'm not. Charlie gave me a check for the 25 bucks.
Don't mix me up in your fiction.
Parrots, ha! Bird feathers.
I said who's down there? You, Captain?
Look, Buster, for the last time, will you tell us what this is all about?
Come on, come on, through here. No bar room. I'll give you all right.
Well, well, well, and who might your friends be, Mr. Yule?
No matter, no matter, the welcome's always out.
But you know what I've been here, sitting and thinking, me and Limey here?
Right, Skipper and me been thinking.
Be quiet.
Right, Skipper.
The next thing this hotel needs is a rubber plant.
I remember in Bombay once I seen the most lovely rubber plant.
Hey, wait a minute. I wanted to tell these people about last night.
Oh, that. Well, now, I don't blame you.
Last night, young lady, I bought the most lovely green parrot that any man ever saw.
Do you know this morning he had...
Captain, would you mind sticking with last night? What is it? What happened last night?
He told you, Governor, he bought a parrot.
No, no, no, no, no. But a story should begin at the beginning.
And, Mr. Valentine, the very first thing was $25. That's what woke me up.
What?
Right. I woke you all up tomorrow at sea. Only he didn't have it.
And neither did Sadie, so I had to break the lock on Morton's room and dig it out of his stuff.
That's on account of the Skipper here was a little short in the cash register.
Made Morton sore, too. Made all of you sore.
Oh, not me, Skipper.
Nobody appreciates a good parrot, young lady, but I do and I bought him.
Had to scrape up a whole hundred dollars. That's the story.
But I made it and I bought him.
Limey, run fetch the bird. Show the people.
Right, Skipper, whatever you say.
I'll give you a hand in case he talks back.
Ah, Yule, is that all there is to it? Just that the captain bought a bird...
Mr. Valentine, the stranger. Now let me tell you about him. The man he bought the bird from.
The mysterious stranger?
Don't look at me that way. He was. He was a foreigner of some sort.
He was a Hindu or Sikh or something. One of those big fellas with a beard and a turban.
But a sailor. And he and Charlie gibbered away at a great rate in some heathen tongue.
Oh, now look, friend.
He wanted to get rid of that bird, the Sikh did. Acted as if he was afraid of him.
That's why all the fuss about the money. He was so anxious to get paid and get out.
And when he left, he left a runnin'.
Well? Here, now wait.
Here he is. Aren't you, you ducky lout?
Careful there, Lyme. Careful he don't slip off your shoulder.
He's taking quite a fancy to Lyme here, you know that?
So that's the parrot.
Isn't he the most lovely bird you ever saw?
Well, I wouldn't exactly say...
Oh, Lyme's gonna clean him up a bit. You know how it is.
But here, here, let me show you. This is a piece of resistance.
Now come on, baby. Say it. Speak out for the people, baby.
Oh, fine bird. He talks, yeah.
That's a baby. That's a baby. Talk right up like you did to the heathen.
Speak out, baby. Speak out.
Drop dead. Drop dead. Drop dead.
Drop dead?
Isn't he the most lovely thing you ever heard?
Drop dead. That does it.
Valentine, wait, wait, wait. Wouldn't it interest you if I told you that I took a walk this morning just before I called you, and that I found the Sikh, that heathen sailor who was so afraid and so anxious to get rid of the bird.
And that the poor man was just lying there in an alley. Dead.
Now, wait a minute. That man didn't drop dead. He was rolled. Look at his pockets. See for yourself. Slugged and rolled, that's all.
Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant. Only whoever hit him tapped him a little too hard, check.
It's happened more than once down here.
Don't you think it's interesting that...
And never mind that Eye of the Idol mystery magazine stuff either, Mr. Yule. What I want to know is why you didn't report this to the police quicker.
But here in the alley, I knew no one would find him.
Besides which? A beard and a turban. You don't even know he's the same guy you saw last night.
I think he is.
Yeah, there's a whole shipload of these birds in port. Can you tell them apart? Routine. That's a routine case and you've got to clutter it up. Big mystery.
Okay, boys, where's that wagon?
Well, Mr. Yule?
I wrote a story about one of these fellows once.
Hey, hey, wait a minute. What are you doing? Johnson will cut your gizzard out if you touch that body. You're in enough trouble as it is.
Let go of me! The turban. Here, hold that flesh out.
Oh, brother.
There. You see? I told you it was the same man.
Yeah, whoever rolled the sailor just wasn't so bright about where he'd carry his money, huh?
Yeah, 60, 70.
Yeah, give me that. Yeah, it's the 100 bucks, all right. No, no, no, I'll keep it. Only so what? This still doesn't mean the parrot had anything to do with it.
Hey, Mr. Valentine, look at this. Did you ever see an oriental who chewed tobacco?
What? A plug? Okay, so there's been somebody around here lately who chews tobacco, but...
Oh, yeah, I remember. You said on the phone something about a seaman who chews tobacco.
Yes, yes, yes, a big fellow, but an American seaman.
Well, where did he creep in? Now, look, Buster, you'd better spill the rest of what you know fast.
I've told you everything, honestly, I have. He was just a seaman, that's all. I didn't get much of a look at him, but this morning when I woke up, he was peering in my window.
And when I shouted, he ran. I came out to look around. That's when I found the body. And then I ran.
Well, that's a good idea. Mr. Valentine. All right, you too, Doc. Come on.
Miss Brooks is still back in the car. You went out of the other way. Tell Johnson I went to get her, will you, or some other lie?
What? But I... No, no, you stay there and hold hands with Johnson.
Hey, Valentine. See you later. I'm going to write a story.
George, remember? He said that man in the turban seemed so anxious to get rid of the bird...
Take it easy, Angel. Hey, Captain. Captain Charlie.
This is a crazy strange place, isn't it? That captain gives me the jitters.
Never mind. I don't want to see him anyway. Limey's the one who'll talk for us. A weasel if I ever saw one.
But why? What can he tell you? What is it you're doing?
Here we are, through here. Just check the information we've already got, Brooks.
I'd like to weed out some of Yule's weird notions. He's about stupid enough to think that bird is some sort of weird...
George. Relax, Angel. Not with the head of the stairs, that's all. Come on.
Speak of the devil.
Something at the bottom of the stairs, too. Limey. It's Limey. He's dead.
You know, I've always found it pretty tough to squeeze juice from a lime.
Well, that can't be true with everyone, because here's a case where somebody squeezed a limey too hard.
Couldn't have been the parrot, but he might have been the inspiration.
Now, if you're in need of inspiration, why don't you give this a listen.
And now, if your name is George Valentine, you don't believe in the kind of story that has a parrot in it.
When the parrot says, drop dead, people drop dead. The only trouble is they do.
First a foreign sailor who sold the bird, and now the next man that the bird took a liking to, Limey.
Yes, Limey is just about as dead as the sailor was.
Who's going to be murdered next, George?
Oh, Brooks, he cut it out with you.
He didn't just fall down the stairs.
It's a dark stairway. It could have happened.
Only you doubt it.
Yeah, I guess he was dead before he fell. But a guess isn't good enough, is it?
It's also unbelievable, all these crazy characters.
There's another explanation of some kind. You want to bet it's nice and simple?
No.
Okay, maybe not. But for instance, why is the parrot important?
Why was that main G Captain so anxious to buy him in the first place?
He buys Mr. Ewell so interested.
Now you get the idea. So run out and get the police, will you?
What are you going to do? I want to see who's around, Angel. Mostly upstairs.
Well, the bird is, for one.
I know. He hopped off down the hall. See you later.
All right, George.
You sure fell all right, Buster.
Well, so who pushed you? Or slugged you first?
Get him off me!
What the? It's Sadie!
Sadie!
Get him off! Get off of me!
Get out that window!
All right, all right. Just a parrot, that's all.
Just of all the ugly memes.
All right, take it easy, take it easy. He's out the window now, huh?
Sitting there on the kitchen roof like he was real proud of himself. Only what happened?
Hopped through here, across my face. I was sound asleep.
I told Captain Charlie I wouldn't stay here if he kept that bird.
I never allowed parents when it was my hotel. This was a respectable place.
Sure, sure. But look, Sadie, did you hear any noise out by the stairs a while ago?
Maybe about half an hour ago?
No, why should I? Everybody's been out except that awful creature.
I heard them go. Why?
Stripper, only tell me something, Sadie. How long have you lived here?
Forty years now, I'd say, off and on. Barring a couple of marriages.
But I always come back.
Oh, my lands, I wouldn't know any other place to live. None of us would.
All been here for years with Captain Charlie, huh?
Well, of course. Except that Yule, naturally. He's recent.
We're all sort of has-beens, but...
Captain, he keeps us all under his wing. He's a wonderful man. Generous, honest.
That was what you wanted to ask about, wasn't it?
Yeah, Captain Charlie.
Ask anybody in the district about Captain Charlie.
Okay, okay.
Nothing bad about anybody here, except for that bird.
Yeah, well, I'd better get him off that roof.
Well, don't you bring him back in here. He won't have that thing screaming at me like...
Oh, be quiet, Sadie. Somebody else trying to get him off that roof, too.
Huh?
Very popular bird. No, no, stay there. I can make it around the ledge. Just stay in your room.
Easy, doesn't it, boy? I'll be up there and get you in just a minute, now.
We keep the big cramp shut, will you?
Well, that's noise now, that's the stuff.
Hmm, don't you know? A seaman.
Hey, now we got your baby!
Would have been easier to climb up with a ladder.
What?
Bird-watching society. You always chew tobacco when you go parrot hunting?
Beat it, will you, buddy? I don't want no trouble.
I don't blame you. Not on a slippery roof.
Stay out of it, Mack.
Hey, don't reach for that bird. I want to talk to you.
I ain't the type!
Stay where you are, I said.
Drop it, drop it, drop it!
Oh, still, you...
Yeah, now look what you did. That's the kitchen flue he's climbing into.
Now we can all have fun getting him out.
Yeah, well, let him stay there.
Forget him. You're the one I want.
There's a little matter of people dropping dead at the...
Oh, no, Mack, I had enough. I don't want no trouble. This is where I came here.
Oh, don't try that. Hey, you...
So long, sucker!
You'll slip!
Drop dead, drop dead! Valentine, you're the one I...
Oh, stop it, Johnson. Drink your coffee.
Easy for everybody here, folks. Help yourselves.
The seaman isn't dead, Lieutenant. His skull wasn't fractured.
So we gotta wait for hospital reports before we can get him to talk.
Johnson, for the tenth time, leave me alone, will you? Go solve your two murders.
Have you checked all these people on when they last saw Lyme?
Yeah, we checked and double-checked and still haven't found anything.
Okay, then leave me alone. I'll drink my coffee and think about it.
Sure. First, you'll pocket a hundred bucks and run.
Then you'll find something but won't say what it is. Then you...
Johnson!
What kind of an idea did that seaman give you?
What you got up your sleeve?
Well, break up this picnic and maybe you'll find out.
But you...
All right, all right, everybody, get out of here.
There's a genius working on a story. That's all for now.
Break it up, break it up.
George.
All right, they've gone now. So come here, brace me, Angel.
And you can beat it, too.
Brace you? What?
George, get off of that stool.
It's a big one. Got a big ear, man.
What?
Hope he's all right.
Yeah, I can reach you.
Oh, where are you, boy?
Come on, come on.
Oh, brother suit, grease and cobwebs.
You mean he's been there all this time, the parrot?
I hope he's in here.
I hope I can reach him.
Yeah, hey.
Sure, here we go.
Oh, look at the poor thing.
Yeah. Well, I'll clean him up a little. He'll be all right.
George, what are you going to do with him?
I wouldn't touch that bird if it laid golden eggs.
All right, hold still there, have me.
Now, Brooksie, listen.
We got to find out once and for all if this bird really does have anything to do with all the crazy stuff going on here.
You're sure hard to convince.
Hey, hey, get off my coffee.
If you're thirsty, boy, we'll get you a drink.
Now, Brooksie, you go in the bar where Johnson is.
Give me five minutes head start, then tell people I found the parrot and took off down the alley.
Well, this is the only way to find out, isn't it? To see who comes after me.
The bird itself can't have any value, but maybe somebody thinks it does.
Oh, Brooksie, now look.
Just because everybody who's been around this long-nosed chicken has gotten into trouble.
All right, all right, I'll do it.
There must be easier ways to find the end of a story.
Okay, bird, let's get some of the grease off your feathers.
Bird of El Oman, huh?
Big mystery bird.
Oh, you like that.
Get yourself all stretched because in about five minutes we'll go outside and see if anybody meets us.
We'll find out just how dangerous it is to hang on to you when you're...
Brokken, brokken, brokken.
Cut it out, cut it out, will you?
Yeah, much better.
Brokken, brokken, brokken, brokken.
What?
Hey, bird, snap out of it. What's the matter with you?
Hey, Avnick, come on, boy, come on.
There's nothing wrong.
Oh, brother.
Brokken, huh?
Coffee.
The coffee you took a drink of my coffee.
Brooksie.
Johnson, what?
John.
George, listen to me. Can't you hear me?
Here, here, slap him with the wet towel some more.
I'll do it, I'll do it, Captain.
That stuff can't hurt him any.
Get you and your crazy joint. Get out of here.
All right, all right.
You, you all drink that stuff too?
George, here now, don't move.
You told me five minutes.
It was five minutes before anybody even started to look for you.
Sure, sure, sure. Just me, huh?
Just my coffee. We're not all dead, huh?
Valentine, I regret to say.
Never mind, never mind. I know. I lost it up again.
An old-fashioned knockout drop. They keep them behind the bar.
Naturally, they would in this kind of a place.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. The bird.
He's all right, George.
And making a lot more sense than you are.
Okay, Johnson, somebody dealt my coffee.
Everybody had a chance.
Everybody knew I was going to be here alone.
But at least it proves that somebody right here, doesn't it?
Hmm. You nominate the seaman?
Yes, but why did this happen, George?
We found you and the bird hadn't been touched.
Hey, did you move me?
What?
Here, I'll help you get up.
No, no, don't touch me.
If it wasn't the bird they were after, it was me.
Only why me? What have I got that they want?
That hundred bucks.
Look in your pocket. See what was taken.
Yeah. I thought I had it in this pocket.
Oh, the wallet's okay.
Everything else?
Sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety.
That's all there.
Oh, nobody'd commit crimes just for that amount of money anyway.
No, no, of course not. So get on your feet.
We start all over at the beginning.
Johnson, I think, better on the floor.
You know, all this business could be awfully simple.
Sure, Hindus and parrots and sea captains and...
This thing with me could be a mistake.
Lyme could just have fallen down the stairs.
The first guy we already know was just slugged and rolled.
I think you'd better stand up, George.
Okay. Too far-fetched, huh?
But a desperate man might hope that's the way to go down.
Like what man? Like why?
What are you talking about?
Captain Charlie's respectable, isn't he, Johnson?
Honest and good with the police.
That's right. For years.
The same goes for the people he's kept under his wing.
Morton, Lyme, Sadie.
Sure, sure, sure.
Charlie keeps the place clean, all right, only...
What's that got to do with...
All right, now listen.
A foreign sailor comes in with a parrot last night
and all blazes breaks loose.
Everybody's imagination dives off in seven directions.
It isn't imagination that the bird was involved in every crime, though,
is it? Here with you, with Lyme, you took care of him,
with the sailor who brought him in?
Sure, and you get so wound up, you don't notice something else
that was involved with everyone.
What, George?
The money that paid for the parrot.
Huh?
But you just said that dough in your pocket hadn't been touched.
I thought I had it in the other pocket, that's all.
But suppose while I was out, suppose the reason I was dope
was to get at that money and do something with it.
Now, look, if it's there, it's there.
And that something was the last crime that needed to be done.
From here on, the mysteries could stop.
George, for heaven's sake, tell me...
Okay, Angel, okay, words of one syllable.
Suppose in this place one person isn't so respectable,
being fooling Charlie along with everybody else for years.
And last night, Lyme broke a door, a lock.
Why would anybody lock a door around here, incidentally?
But who were you...
Because Charlie needed $25 more to make up the hundred
the sailor wanted for his bird, remember?
Well, Lyme got it all right. He found it in Morton's room.
Well?
Well, Johnson, from there on, one, two, three.
Morton was mad, remember?
But the sailor had already gone.
Then the sailor was slugged and rolled.
But if it was Morton, he couldn't find the money he wanted to get back.
George, Lyme didn't have any money, so...
Lyme was a weasel.
Suppose he got to asking Morton about that money he took.
Suppose he caught on to what I'm catching on to.
So Morton killed him, scared to death of discovery now,
with one accidental murder already to his credit.
All right, then came me.
Do you want to bet I was dope so that $25 of that hundred
could be replaced with a different $25?
Holy smoke.
Sure, that's right.
Replaced with genuine money.
George, Morton's a printer, isn't he?
You got it. His press must be in the locked room.
He printed menus, remember?
Green ones with pictures of Lincoln and Washington
and people like that on them.
That's the idea.
And it explains everything.
A counterfeiter trying to keep from being discovered.
Well, come on, don't just stand there.
Morton.
Hey, Morton.
He was here just a second ago.
He ran upstairs when you came out of the kitchen.
There he goes.
Morton, stop!
Sergeant, Sergeant, get in!
Hold it, Angel.
Let the police do the rest.
Say, what's going on anyway?
Look, ma'am, ain't this a lovely bird?
You know, someday I'm going to get me a rubber plant and then...
Oh, but George, even if Morton did commit those crimes,
it still doesn't explain everything.
There's still that tobacco-chewing seaman
who fell off the roof and the parrot...
Hey, hey, you didn't start this story, you'll did.
So stick around a minute and I'll give him the rest of it.
You're right, Brooksy.
There are a lot of questions that still need answering.
So, while George is getting his story straight,
suppose we all give this story a listen.
Yes, he was a counterfeiter, I understand.
All he wanted was to get his $25 back.
But the seaman, George, went...
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
The mysterious man chewing tobacco.
Well, use a little logic.
The sick, the foreigner who was so anxious to sell the bird in a hurry
didn't speak English.
Yes, that made it all the more...
So where did his bird learn to say drop dead?
Oh.
Yeah, and every clue Yule gave me about him suggested the obvious.
The sick had stolen the bird and was trying to sell quickly
before the guy he stole it from caught up with him.
You're telling from the hospital, huh?
Well, this might not be all clairvoyance, but sure.
The seaman didn't want to get mixed up in any trouble,
but he still wanted his bird back.
Huh, his bird.
And that's all there was to...
Oh, my beautiful, romantic story of the waterfront
with all those strange characters...
Watch it, watch it.
Don't get carried away again.
Oh, dear. My beautiful story.
Anyway, cheer up, Mr. Yule.
Maybe you could sell it to one of those mystery shows on the radio.
Sure. Call it Drop Dead.
Just in case we lost you somewhere along the way,
George Valentine was played by Robert Bailey
and Brooksie, played by Virginia Gregg.
David Victor and Jackson Gillis wrote the tale,
and Eddie Dunstetter played the music.
Now, this is yours truly,
inviting you to our next visit with Valentine,
when you will again hear what happens
when you let George do it.
Thank you.