Ranger Bill, Warrior of the Woodland.
Struggling against extreme odds.
Traveling dangerous trails.
Showing rare courage in the face of disaster.
In the air.
On horseback.
Or in a screaming squad car.
Ranger Bill.
His mind alert, a ready smile.
Unswerving, loyal to his mission.
And all this in exchange for the satisfaction and pride of a job well done.
Well done.
I was beginning to think that you'd forgotten Stumpy.
Forgotten?
Not me.
Next Monday you'll see me right out there with the rest of them.
I've already started clearing space in my freezer for a couple of duck dinners.
Well, something tells me you're not the only one, old timer.
The first four days of the season are usually pretty busy days.
Well, you know as well as I do that that's cause there ain't no limit to the number you can shoot in them first four days.
The rest of the season we all gotta be satisfied only two a day.
If I remember rightly Stumpy, during the whole four no limit days last year you only bagged five ducks.
Well it was a poor year for me.
Uh huh.
But this year as a matter of fact come Monday I'll start filling up a corner of the freezer with tastiest dinners you ever expected to eat.
I sure hope so.
Well good morning John.
Hello Bill Stumpy.
Howdy Judge.
And to what do we owe the honor of this visit Judge?
Oh my laziness I guess.
I don't follow you.
I'm just trying to put off going down to my office Bill.
This is a mighty busy time of the year.
Oh I get it.
Hunting licenses huh?
Don't even say the words.
A lot of folks after them this time of year huh Judge?
This year.
Oh every year Stumpy.
And before the opening of every season.
The same faces, the same questions.
Well I guess I'd better be getting on over to the courthouse.
It's probably a line two blocks long already.
All eager hunters with itchy trigger fingers just waiting for money to roll around so they can empty the air of ducks.
I hardly think they'll ever do that Judge.
You can say that again.
Remember that duck that used to nest over on top of Musser's barn?
That bird to come back for seven years in a row and hatched over a hundred ducklings while she was there.
Well if it weren't for these hunting seasons we'd be up to here in feathers.
You've cheered me up about giving out hunting licenses Stumpy.
That's probably why I stopped in.
I'll stop in any time Judge.
So long gentlemen.
Well sounds as though the woods will be full come Monday and for the next four days.
Yeah, yeah so it does.
What's the matter old tamer?
A little worried about competition after those ducks?
I was just thinking about that old expression, build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.
I got a feeling I could use a better duck catcher come Monday.
Stumpy, Stumpy Jenkins.
Oh howdy Judge, you give up already?
No, no this is just lunch time.
Well it is for me too. Will you join me?
Yeah I'd like that. I was thinking that I should let you in on the big news anyway.
Big news?
I was only kidding when I called it that.
Every so often a fellow comes into Naughty Pine and applies for a license to sell something or other.
According to our laws I have to give him a license unless he's proved to be a fraud or something.
What's all this leading up to Judge?
Just that a fellow was in the courthouse this morning to get two licenses.
One to hunt like everybody else and one to sell a new scientific duck call.
That so?
I had to give him a license but I warned him about the penalties for putting one over on folks.
How does this duck call work?
Well you got me. I didn't hear a thing when he blew it but he explained it was supersonic.
Least wise to the human ear like those dog whistles you see.
He said this was geared to set up some sort of pleasure reaction in what he called the midline part of the brain of ducks.
Or something.
I got a little lost in what he was saying.
Scientifically figured out. Not the usual honking noise like somebody blowing their nose.
Like I said Stumpy when he blew it I didn't hear a thing. And for that matter didn't set up any pleasure reaction in any part of my brain.
Except maybe I felt like laughing when I tried to imagine him selling them duck calls.
Then you did feel a kind of pleasure huh?
Oh say what is this? You don't think that fellow's on the level do you?
It's hard to keep up with all the new scientific advances George. You don't happen to remember where this fellow is staying do you?
Here let me show you on this chart Mr. Jenkins.
Well I'd appreciate it.
Now here you see a cross section of a duck's head. The important areas have been colored.
Now when this new scientific duck call is blown the high frequency vibrations first agitate the external auditory meters.
Which in turn operates the auditory ossicle and the sensory impulses are so designed by the new scientific duck call as to focus on only one area of the brain.
That of the midline area.
Any questions Mr. Jenkins?
Well just does it work?
Well I thought I made that rather clear.
The new scientific duck call doesn't rely on chance Mr. Jenkins.
If for any reason congenital or otherwise the duck should be in some manner auditory impaired.
The conventional duck call doesn't stand a chance.
However the new scientific duck call emits frequencies so designed as to be received by not only auditory receptors but by virtually any somatic tissue located near the occipital condyle.
Though you see the new scientific duck call takes the guesswork. The chance out of attracting ducks.
Of course it doesn't improve your aim but...
I'll worry about that. How much are you selling these things for?
Well that depends on when you buy Mr. Jenkins.
I don't follow you.
Well simply this is it. If you buy right now I'm letting them go at the laughably low price of five dollars each.
This is almost what they cost me.
But I'm willing to sell the new scientific duck call at this low price to those who have enough shall we say faith in the integrity of this call.
Now next Monday when I and those who like myself go hunting with these calls come back laden with ducks.
Obviously the sales will skyrocket.
But then there won't be this matter of faith will there?
Mr. Jenkins then there won't be this low low price.
No beginning Monday I'm selling the new scientific duck call at thirteen dollars each.
The unlucky number for those who were unlucky enough to wait until then to buy.
Right now five dollars guarantees you season after season of full freezers Mr. Jenkins.
Well it's up to you and your faith.
Well that's the man right over there Bill.
I'm a little surprised to see him in church.
Yeah so am I. Maybe he is on the up and up but I don't know.
Well starting tomorrow we'll see about those claims of his.
Has he sold many of his calls?
Well I've heard a few people mention that they bought them.
Looks like Stumpy knows him the way they're talking together.
Stumpy hasn't mentioned him to me at all.
Maybe just being friendly.
After all whatever that fellow is he's a visitor to our church.
Yeah that's true.
Maybe we ought to go over there and talk with him ourselves.
Say it looks like he's leaving. Here comes Stumpy.
I hope Stumpy didn't allow himself to be sold one of those duck calls.
He seemed almost interested the other day when I mentioned that fellow to him.
I don't know. It's a pretty broad smile on his face.
Are you ready to go old timer?
Yep. Good morning Judge.
You're looking mighty chipper this morning Stumpy.
That fellow sold you one of his bird calls.
Oh you mean just now?
No he was just exchanging the time of day.
He seems like a nice enough fellow.
Well he certainly bears what he has to say under a lot of fancy words.
I've been through law school and I had trouble keeping up with him.
That ain't no reason to suspect him is it?
Lots of folks let their education stick out a little farther than in order.
Most of them settle down to home and become real people when they realize what it looks like.
He's got lots of time.
You'd make a good defense lawyer Stumpy.
But tomorrow all the talk for and against goes out the window.
Tomorrow when the shotgun starts roaring we'll see if this fellow's new scientific duck call is what he says it is.
Hello Judge. What's all the excitement about?
Oh afternoon Bill.
Well looks as though I was wrong and no one is more surprised about it than I am.
Wrong about what?
You see that fellow talking to the crowd Bill?
Oh yes the duck call seller.
Well he came back to town at noon mind you with seven ducks.
Seven?
Yep not bad for only being out one morning I'd say.
Claims his new scientific duck call did the trick.
I guess I don't have to tell you how his sales are going.
Let's move a little closer Judge.
Anyone who claims his gadget can lure enough ducks to shoot seven deserves to be heard.
You ain't thinking of buying one of those calls are you?
No I just want to listen.
Finally I'm beginning to get a little suspicious.
Seven ducks is a lot for one man in one morning.
Let's join that crowd.
Now I know some of you are thinking seven ducks is a little too lucky for one morning's work.
Well don't take my word.
Look at my morning's catch.
Ask the few others here in Naughty Pine who have been using the new scientific duck call today if it really works.
Or if you're sold I'll pause right here to accept your money and make you the big hunter for this and many more seasons.
They're like hotcakes aren't they Bill?
He's taken in thirteen dollars a piece for those things.
I'm not sure I like this Judge.
I'll be interested in seeing what some of the others who have bought these calls think of them.
Excuse me folks but I see a distinguished guest here in the crowd.
The chief ranger hereabouts as I understand.
You all know him as Ranger Bill Jefferson.
You haven't by any chance come to purchase one of these new scientific duck calls have you Ranger?
I'm afraid not.
Well you wouldn't be the first ranger to see the virtues of this call you know.
Your fellow ranger Stumpy Jenkins is out in the woods right now aided by this hunter's friend.
Bill I didn't know Stumpy bought all of those things.
Neither did I Judge. He didn't mention it to me.
He probably didn't want to tell you in case it turned out to be a hoax.
I suppose so.
Well at any rate we'll know first hand whether those calls are really as good as he says they are.
I'll be very anxious to talk to Stumpy when he gets back.
Music
Hello Bill.
Well sounds as though the mighty hunter has had a good day.
Stumpy if you were to go and peep into that freezer at home you wouldn't find one, you wouldn't find two,
you'd find three delicious future duck dinners just keeping cool till they're called for.
Three? Not bad for the first day out.
Not bad? Last year at this time had only one.
That was only because there were so many hunters around the thing was confused.
Didn't know which way to fly.
Well it looks like you'll make up for it this year with three the first day.
I uh, Bill I think it's time I told you something.
Uh huh.
It's about my getting them three ducks today.
You think that new scientific duck call was responsible?
Well I'm almost positive.
Hey how'd you know that?
You should know better than to try to keep a secret from me old timer.
Like trying to keep a secret from yourself.
Yeah well anyways yes I do think that gadget was responsible for bringing the ducks in here.
I get three didn't I? Only had one by this time last year.
But if I remember correctly the year before last you came in with four.
That was without a duck call.
Oh you can't count that. That was just a good year.
I don't know Stumpy.
You think that fella's pulling the fast one don't you Bill?
I'm not convinced one way or the other Stumpy.
But I think I'll keep an eye on Mr. Gillette all the same.
Music
Well he's done it again Bill. Only out shooting during the morning and back by noon with eight ducks this time.
I don't like the looks of this judge. He's just too good a hunter.
This ain't nothing of a salesmanship.
Looked to me like everybody naughty pine was up the street buying one of them calls.
Well I think I better do some checking before Mr. Gillette gets rich enough to think about leaving town.
Music
Course I never really pay attention to who comes and goes Ranger Bill.
But it just happens that I have noticed a little about Mr. Gillette.
Is there any sort of trouble?
No this is just routine. What have you noticed about his coming and going from the hotel here?
Well only that he never seems to sleep that's all.
What do you mean?
Well he goes out late in the evening just before sunset comes back even later.
Many times have turned in and the next morning he's up and gone before dawn.
A man like that is going to lose his health sooner and most if he keeps that kind of schedule for long.
Late in the evening and then very early in the next morning.
You got something on him?
Oh no I'm afraid not. But thank you for your time. Thanks very much.
Music
Well there he goes right on schedule.
Now Mr. Gillette how about showing me your secret of duck hunting huh?
It's what I think it is you're walking straight into trouble.
Music
What's he doing out there in that boat? Can't quite make it out.
Looks like he's putting things in the water. A lot of them strung together by rope or something.
Maybe I can edge a little closer to the lake. Some of his equipment is still on the shore.
I can only crawl down and take a look before he rolls into shore.
Music
There we are. It's a good thing it's so dark out.
All he can see is what his flashlight picks up out there in the lake.
Now let's see what these boxes are here. Scarcely make them out.
What? Dynamite. There are charges of dynamite in these boxes.
Now let me see. Looks like small separately wrapped packages of dynamite.
He's out there placing these packages in the water.
Strung together with wire not rope. Of course. So that's his game.
He's pretty smooth. Better be sure though.
I'll just wait in the bushes until he leaves, then roll out on the lake and have a look for myself.
Music
I should be a good distance away by now.
Feels good to stand up again. Now let's see. He left the boat over there.
I'll just roll out and be sure of what he's doing.
Every once in a while you run into a smart one.
Mr. Ranger Bill, it looks like you're going to be my troublemaker.
What am I going to do with you?
You are out there in the lake inspecting my handiwork.
Getting all the evidence you need to throw me in jail.
I'm going to have to get you out of my way somehow. At least for a little while.
How? I can't just go back to town and pack and dash away.
You'd be back before I'd have time to leave.
Wait a minute. It works on ducks. Why not on Rangers?
Sure. You're going to go to sleep for a little while, big Chief Ranger.
And by the time you wake up and get back to town, I'll be far away.
Are you ready? Just let me touch this wire to this pole on the battery and...
Yeah, that ought to do it. Hey, where's the boat?
That's not what was supposed to happen.
He must have been right over a charge of dynamite. It was only supposed to stun him.
Why doesn't he come up? Oh no. I'd better get out of here and fast.
Morning, Stompy. Oh, howdy, George.
I thought you'd be out hunting with the others this morning, Stompy.
What's the matter? Two strenuous for you, three days in a row?
Why, you old bench sitter, stop judging others by yourself.
It ain't a bit too strenuous for an old bear like me.
Then why aren't you out there after the ducks?
Well, even you must know it's because I wanted to try to see Mr. Gillette before I went away.
Don't tell me you're going to buy another one of those calls.
You think you can do twice as good with two of them?
It ain't that at all. I just wanted to find out what it is I'm doing wrong with this thing.
It worked fine the first day, but yesterday it wasn't much help.
That's old.
No, it ain't the call's fault. It must be something I'm doing wrong.
Sure. Mind if I come along? I'd like to hear what he tells you.
Don't mind a bit. Come on, he's staying across the street, that hotel.
I'm surprised Bill didn't come along with you.
Well, I haven't seen hiding here Bill since yesterday afternoon.
For all I know, he's bought one of them duck calls and is out hunting this morning himself.
Well, here we are. After you, Judge.
Ah, the hotel's busy for this time of morning.
But these folks don't live in the hotel. I wonder what's going on.
Mr. Gillette's going to sell duck calls again.
I thought he only sold them in the afternoon.
Well, I'm only telling you what I heard. I don't know.
I'll step over and find out what's going on.
Never mind, Stumpy. There's that Gillette fellow there now.
Looks like he's going to speak.
Well, friends, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I have to be leaving Naughty Pine.
I've received friendship here that has never been equal in any town I've been in.
And I hope to linger many more days just to enjoy your warm friendship.
Well, you've done us a good turn too, Mr. Gillette.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way. I really am.
Now, there are a couple of things I wanted to say before I left.
I'll try to say them now.
First, about the calls themselves.
Now, I know some of you have been having a little difficulty with them.
Well, it's all a matter of adjustment.
The two sections of tubing slide within themselves, and you can set the frequency by adjusting these tubes.
I hope to stay a few more days and help you with these details, but I must go.
You see, Judge, that's what I came to find out.
I wonder why it's running off like this.
Some of you were probably thinking that my sudden departure looks like I'm running out.
Well, late yesterday afternoon, I received an important call from the United States government
asking me to come up to Seattle, Washington and bring my scientific duck calls along.
As you know, the government catches ducks, puts bands on their legs to study migrational habits.
This new scientific duck call seems to be just the thing they need.
And folks, after all, who am I to keep the government waiting?
And so, my friends, I'm afraid I must go.
I'd really like to stay, but well, all my luggage, other than this one small suitcase, is at the station, and I must join.
That's exactly right, Mr. Gillette.
What? You?
Your luggage is at the station, the police station, and you're absolutely right when you say that you must join it.
It's all right, friends. It's all right. There's just some little mistake here.
That's right, Mr. Gillette. That little mistake was made by all of us, you included.
Things are not what they seem on the surface, are they, Mr. Gillette?
Whether it's a smooth-surfaced confidence man or a smooth-surfaced lake, it's what's beneath the surface that really counts.
Well, I admit it, Bill, I was fooled from head to foot.
Yeah, so were a lot of people, Stumpy. He put on a good front.
Well, one thing I still don't quite understand, Bill. How was he getting all those ducks?
Well, you see, Judge, about the only time ducks actually settle down for sleep are between the hours of approximately midnight to 4 a.m.
They travel mostly after sundown until midnight and after four till about dawn. Then they spend the day looking for food.
Yeah, that's pretty much when the hunters go after them.
Right. Now, Mr. Gillette was sneaking out to nearby lakes and planting small charges of dynamite on the lakes.
He was blowing up them critters. Not exactly, Stumpy. That would have been too obvious in the way it would have made the birds look.
No, Gillette used an old stunt employed sometimes by men who want to catch fish live for aquariums.
When the small charges of dynamite are set off at the same time, they produce a powerful vibration shock in the water.
And whatever is in the water is stunned by it.
I see. So all he did then was to creep back there when the ducks were asleep and set off the charges.
Right. His detonator was far enough from the lake not to disturb the birds.
And when he was done, he had plenty of unconscious ducks to shoot at his leisure.
He tried to do that to you when you were on to him, didn't he, Bill?
That's right, Stumpy. But I don't think he meant to sink me out there.
Actually, I took the opportunity to swim a good ways underwater and come up where I wouldn't be seen.
As long as he thought he was safe, it gave me a good chance to get everything ready for him at police headquarters.
That was pretty good, Bill, what you said to him about judging on the surface.
He's a good warning to us all, Judge. We can fool people on a large scale, like he did,
or on a small scale, like when we want our own way or don't want to be caught or something.
We can go as far as he did and go to church or do anything that looks good on the surface.
But the one fact that the Bible comes back to again and again is God looks on the inward man.
All our wives, all our pretending to be something we're not, doesn't fool him.
Well, see you next week for more Adventure with Ranger Bill.
Ranger Bill is produced in the radio studios of the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago.