Oh John, pardon me for interrupting, but has Daddy showed up yet?
I want to hear the next chapter in Snook's diary.
Oh, so do I, Meredith. Maybe I'll better give him a call.
Let me have that phone, will you?
Why, sure. Thank you.
You, uh, you really believe the stuff the kid wrote is true, John?
Well, sure I do. I don't think a child is capable of making some...
Hello?
Oh, hello, Daddy. This is John.
Well, hello, John.
Feels good to have you call me for a change.
Yes. Are you coming down here soon?
I won't be long.
I, uh, have a rather important mission to carry out first.
Oh. Oh, well, uh, don't forget to bring the diary, Daddy.
I'll remember. Bye-bye, John.
So long.
Hmm. Says he's got an important mission.
I wonder where Snooks is.
Daddy!
What is it?
Where are you going, my man?
To, uh, to see about some very important business.
I can't tell you what it is because it's a secret mission.
And nobody's supposed to know I'm doing it.
I thought you were too tired to go out.
Well, I was.
But I got orders from... from my boss,
and I have to see that they're carried out right away.
Understand?
Mm-hmm. Mommy's sending you to the grocery store.
Now, who told you?
Mommy did.
Oh.
Treats me like a menial and then broadcasts my shame to the world.
Some day she'll go too far.
How far will she go, Daddy?
Not far enough for me.
All right, I am going to the grocery store.
Just like any common errand boy.
Now, what are you going to do about it?
I want to go with you.
Oh. All right. I'll take you with me.
Where's that market list she made out?
Is this it, Daddy?
That's it.
You carry it and see that we buy everything on it.
It won't do you any harm to learn how to shop.
Won't it?
No.
Being able to shop wisely is one of the attributes of a good housewife.
Are you a good housewife, Daddy?
I'm not a housewife.
Then why do you always do the shopping?
It's not always at all.
Mommy just didn't feel like going to the store today.
She never feels like it.
Maybe she doesn't.
But that doesn't mean I always go, does it?
Uh-huh.
It does not.
I didn't do the shopping, uh, uh, week ago last Friday, did I?
Did I?
No. You had to wash ropes for your dad.
No!
I did nothing of the kind and you know it.
Oh, Daddy.
Well, stop goading me.
It so happens that when I married your mommy, we agreed to share all the domestic work.
Did you?
Yes.
That's why I do the laundry with her.
Clean the silverware.
Wash the dishes with her.
Why don't you mop up the floor with it?
Nothing would give me greater pleasure.
Come on and don't forget the list.
I'm coming, Daddy.
Uh, here.
You carry the shopping bag.
Why?
Because it doesn't look good for the neighbors to see me always carrying the broken down thing.
They'll think I'm hand-packed.
Is a hen the same as a chicken, Daddy?
Yes. Keep walking.
Is mommy a hen?
Yes.
No, she ain't.
All right then, she ain't.
Why?
I don't know.
You do too.
What are you talking about?
When you talk, Uncle Louie, mommy ain't no chicken.
Oh, keep quiet.
She must have been a chicken or she couldn't have picked up a worm like me.
Huh?
Nothing.
What's on that list?
A bottle of mustard.
A bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread and a quart of milk.
And a pound of tomatoes.
And two cans of coffee.
Hmm.
Did she say what kind of coffee she wanted?
Oh, Daddy.
I know she wants Maxwell house.
But does it say drip or regular grind or what?
It says charge it.
Okay.
Well, here's the market.
Look at the list and start shopping.
I'll watch and see you get the right stuff.
I don't need that list, Daddy.
Oh, you don't, eh?
Well, what are you going to buy?
A loaf of mustard, a quart of bread, a bottle of bananas.
No, no.
You want a bottle of mustard, a loaf of bread, a bunch of bananas, a quart of milk, a pound of tomatoes and two cans of coffee.
Is that right?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Now, what are you going to buy?
A lollipop.
Just buy what's on that list.
Go over to the dairy department and get the milk first.
What's in this barrel, Daddy?
Mixed nuts.
Go get the milk.
I want a mixed nut.
Snokes?
I want a mixed nut.
All right.
Take one.
Is this a mixed nut, Daddy?
No, that's a filbert.
Is this a mixed nut?
No, that's a walnut.
Well, which is the mixed nut?
The whole barrel is full of mixed nuts.
Well, why can't I buy one?
Because there's no such thing as a mixed nut.
Huh?
When all the nuts are together, they are mixed nuts.
But no nut by itself is a mixed nut.
They're either almonds, filberts, walnuts or Brazil nuts.
Well, what's in the barrel?
Mixed nuts.
Are you nuts, Daddy?
No.
And if you ever say that again, I'll wail you.
Mommy says it.
Well, she's nuts.
Now, go get the milk and stop aggravating me.
Where shall I get it, Daddy?
Over there at the dairy counter, where it says,
families supplied.
Do they supply families?
Yes.
Can we buy some babies?
No.
Why?
Because you can't buy babies.
Why?
Now, look.
I didn't bring you here to give you a lesson on biology.
Besides, if babies were a nickel a dozen,
I wouldn't buy any because I've got too many now.
You've got too many wives, too, ain't you, Daddy?
You can say that again.
All right. You've got too many wives.
All right. All right.
I just wish the whole bunch of you
would give me a little peace for a while.
Like living with a panzer division.
What's that, Daddy?
Tanks.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Go get the milk.
I'll buy the rest of the stuff.
Now, here, I can pick most of it up at this counter.
Mustard, bread, coffee.
Well, go for the milk, Smokes.
I want to buy the tomatoes.
All right.
Here's a quarter.
Get a bunch of bananas and a pound of tomatoes
right in front of the store,
where you see all those vegetables.
Uh-huh.
And before you buy the tomatoes,
pinch one or two of them to see if they're ripe.
Yes, Daddy.
I'll meet you outside.
Okay.
Now, let me see.
What else was on that list?
Oh, the milk.
Hmm.
Homogenized, pasteurized, raw, grade A, grade A.
There.
Does it?
Oh, here you are, sir.
Dollar seven.
I got the change right here.
Smokes.
Oh, Smokes.
Here I am, Daddy.
Let's get home fast.
All right.
Did you get the bananas?
Uh-huh.
I got tomatoes, too.
Fine.
Now, can I keep the quarter, Daddy?
Yes.
Didn't you pay for them?
No, you told me to pinch a couple
to see if they're ripe, didn't you?
Yes.
Well, I pinched the whole bag full.
You little...
Ah!
Come on back to the store.
And magic, baby!