The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, starring the entire Nelson family, Ozzie, Harriet,
David, and Ricky. Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson, and of course his
lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson. The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as
David Nelson, and his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky, played by Ricky Nelson.
The Nelsons next door neighbor, Thorny, is played by Don DeBoer.
Well, good morning everybody. I'm sorry I'm so late.
Hi, Pop.
Hi, Pop.
Thought you weren't going to make it.
Oh, such a beautiful day. I hate to get out of bed. Any breakfast left?
I think so. I'll get you coffee. There's some toast right there in the...
Well, now that's funny. There was a whole plate of toast there, and a whole dish of
strawberry jam, too. Where'd that disappear to?
May I be excused, Mom? I'm full.
You'd better stay right there and drink your milk.
That's okay. All I want is a cup of coffee. And the newspaper, if I can find it.
Oh, it's over there on the table, Pop.
Oh. David, for goodness sakes. David, can't you fold the paper up neatly when you finish
reading instead of crumbling it up like this?
I haven't even seen it, Pop.
Oh, Ricky, then.
I haven't seen it either.
Well, it didn't get messed this way all by itself.
Well, as long as I'm the only one left, I might as well plead guilty, I guess.
Uh, Harriet, when you finish crumbling this paper, do you know what you did with page
one?
Well, that's funny. It was right there. Oh, you didn't miss anything anyway. There was
nothing interesting.
You don't happen to recall what you did with the sports section, do you?
Oh, it's over there under the coffee pot. Here, I'll get it for you.
Oh, that's okay. I've got enough here.
Read, Pop, that article you read to me, Mom.
What one was that? You know, the funny one?
Oh, yes.
What was that?
Oh, it was just some silly article about a woman named Mrs. Strudelmeyer. She's divorcing
her husband. I can't say I blame her, though.
What's the matter? Didn't he tell her his name was Strudelmeyer before she married him?
Oh, that's not the reason she's divorcing him, is if you didn't know. It seems that
every night when he came home from work, he'd spend all his time playing a tuba.
Playing a tuba what, Mom?
A tuba, a musical instrument.
As if you didn't know.
Oh, maybe he didn't, David.
You know, those great big horns they have way in the back of the band.
Yeah, we saw them in the parade, you know.
Oh, yeah, they're neat. I threw popcorn down it and the guy got mad.
He didn't get mad.
He got red in the face.
He got red in the face from blowing the tuba.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
What's the matter with you guys lately? You can't even discuss anything without getting
into a big argument about it.
You guys are both about as unreasonable as this Mr. Strudelmeyer, whatever her name is.
No, dear, Mr. Strudelmeyer. He's the one who played the tuba.
Well, yes, I know, but I still say she's the one who's unreasonable.
Poor guy, can't even play a musical instrument in his own home.
Well, read on further down.
The only piece he could play was the bass part of The Stars and Stripes Forever.
She won't let him play it.
She's not only unreasonable, she's unpatriotic besides.
Well, it seems to me that he's the one who's unreasonable.
She spends a whole day cooking and cleaning, so naturally after dinner she'd like a little
conversation.
And what does she get?
The Stars and Stripes Forever.
Not only that, he makes her stand up and salute.
Only on the 4th of July.
Besides, stop being so prejudiced.
Why do you have to stand up for her just because she's a woman?
Well, in this particular case, I happen to think she's right.
What wife wants her husband spending all his time playing the tuba?
He doesn't spend all of his time playing the tuba.
Says he plays the tuba for a little while and then he...
Yes?
Well, the man's tired.
He should go to bed early.
Personally, I think she has a legitimate complaint.
Well, she doesn't have to take such a drastic step, though, does she?
So why does she just hide the tuba from her husband?
How can you hide a thing like that?
It's easier to hide her husband from the tuba.
In the first place, it's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
Our arguing about two people we don't even know, we've never even met.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start an argument.
I just happened to read it and thought you might be amused by it.
Well, I didn't mean an argument.
We're not arguing about it, but it's a silly subject even to discuss.
Especially at breakfast.
Well, whatever it is, let's forget it.
Ridiculous things.
I agree, it was a silly thing to discuss.
Our English teacher says that open discussion is the backbone of our nation.
Well, that's true, David, if the subject is something sensible.
But I mean, just because some idiotic woman won't allow her husband to play a tuba in
his own home, that isn't even worthy of discussion.
Well, now, how can you say she's an idiotic woman?
You don't even know her.
Well, there's an old legal term, Harriet, res ipsa locata.
The thing speaks for itself.
Yes, and when it's a tuba, it speaks in very low tones.
Ricky, what are you doing?
I'm making him believe I'm playing the tuba.
Oh, stop it, you look silly.
I'll bet that Mr. Stoodlemire sure looks silly.
Now, wait a minute, David, how can you sit there and make a statement like that?
You've never even seen the man.
There's an old legal term.
Raise up the locomotive.
You two guys are finished, why don't you go outside and shoot some baskets or something?
Heck, I want to stay in here and listen to the argument.
Me too.
Look, in the first place, there was no argument, and in the second place, it's all over.
Who won?
Ricky, stop trying to be funny.
Heck, who's trying to be funny?
You are, and stop it.
You've heard your father say so many times, there's no such thing as a child comedian.
This coffee is probably stone cold by now.
Oh, don't drink that, I'll get you some more.
They had some neat stuff on television last night, Dad.
Oh, yeah, really swell.
What was that?
It was a wrestling match.
This one guy kept gouging this other guy's eye with his thumb and grinding his heel in his face.
Sounds like excellent entertainment.
Yeah, they had a dumbest referee, too.
Everybody could see it but him.
You don't want to take that stuff seriously, Ricky.
Was there anything else to look at?
Oh, yeah, they had a murder story on.
Oh, yeah, that was really good.
This man and his wife had an argument, and she poisoned him.
She put poison in his coffee.
He took one gulp and fell right over dead.
What?
Here's your coffee, dear.
Drink it while it's hot.
♪
Boy, something sure smells good.
Well, thank you, I'm trying out a new recipe.
Oh, you must be a mind reader or something.
I was just hoping you'd bake one of your delicious apple pies for dinner.
It's a chocolate cake.
Oh, oh, fine, fine.
What's the matter with chocolate cakes?
Oh, nothing.
I love your chocolate cakes.
I like them almost as well as your apple pies.
You don't have to eat any if you don't want to.
I just told you, they're delicious.
I love your chocolate cakes.
What else are we having for dinner?
Meatloaf.
Oh, fine.
Would you rather have something else?
No, that sounds like a very nice menu, very tasty.
Chocolate cake and a pot roast?
Meatloaf.
What did I say?
Pot roast.
Oh, oh, no, it's...
What else are we having?
Potatoes.
Now, now, now, now, don't tell me.
Some of your marvelous mash potatoes?
Baked potatoes.
Baked potatoes!
What a coincidence!
I was just hoping you were going to say baked potatoes.
Then why did you say mash potatoes?
What else are we having?
I'm not sure now if you're going to get any dinner.
You wouldn't be so cruel as to deprive me of your wonderful cooking.
Now you're beginning to smile.
Those delicious baked potatoes?
That's the smile.
And that savory meatloaf?
That's the nice big smile.
That terrific apple pie?
That's...
Oh, I meant the chocolate cake.
I don't know why.
Honest, I did, sweetheart.
Darling?
Master.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, dear.
Boy, that cake sure looks good.
Well, I just baked it.
I hope it tastes good.
Oh, David, don't leave your books on the counter.
Okay, Mom, just a second.
Say, you're growing up, aren't you, dear?
What do you mean?
I just noticed these names on your notebook.
L. Roy Hirsch, Norm Van Brocklin, Bob Waterfield, and Kathy Williams.
Who's Kathy Williams?
Oh, she's a girl in school.
She's very nice, too.
She's real pretty.
In fact, I think she's about the prettiest girl in school.
Well, I'd like to meet her.
And so would I.
You mean you don't know her?
Well, not exactly.
But every time she walks past our English class, she smiles at me.
That's nice.
At least I think it's me.
Do you smile back?
Heck, every guy in the class smiles back.
You mean they all think she's smiling at them?
Yeah, everyone except her brother.
He thinks we're all crazy.
Well, if you think she's so nice, why don't you speak to her?
Oh, we have spoken, in a way.
Oh?
Yeah, the other day in the cafeteria, I happened to be standing behind her in line.
And you spoke to her?
She spoke to me.
She has a very nice voice.
She's a very good speaker.
Well, what did she say?
She dropped her spoon on my shoe and she said, sorry.
Wasn't that nice?
Oh, yes, very nice.
What did you say?
I said, that's okay.
Well, that was your big chance.
I know, I tried to think of something clever.
Oh, and you couldn't, huh?
No, by the time I finally thought of that's okay, I had to walk clear over to the table to say it.
But she sounds like a very nice girl.
Oh, she is.
A lot of girls wouldn't have apologized.
You think not?
Heck no, some girls are as bad as boys.
Why do you say that?
Oh, they're kind of bossy.
They're always trying to tell you what to do.
Like Margie Peabody.
What's the matter with her?
She's always trying to boss you around.
Oh, and you like the shy type, huh?
Oh, all boys do.
Well, what about Kathy Williams?
Oh, she's not bossy at all.
She's just like you, Mom.
Like me?
Yeah, you know you're always so nice to Pop.
Well, thank you, dear.
You never try to boss him around.
Well, I...
David, have you been talking to your father?
No, ma'am, why?
Oh, nothing.
Anything the matter, Mom?
No, dear, why?
He's got a strange look on your face.
Well, I've just made up my mind about something, David.
I'm going to bake a nice big apple pie for dinner.
So here's how the discussion started.
This woman, an unreasonable person, Mrs. Strudelmeier,
refused to allow her poor husband to play a tuba in his own home.
And the amazing part is that Harriet, who is usually very level-headed,
sided in with this unreasonable woman
simply because in this case the woman happened to be the man's wife
and of the feminine gender.
Well, it's silly, doesn't it?
Well, certainly. The whole thing was pointless and silly, just as I said.
That's the reason I went into the kitchen a while ago
and I tried to smooth the thing out with Harriet.
My whole attitude was conciliatory and apologetic.
I figured I should make the first overtures.
And Harriet just completely fluffed me off, got pretty darn salty.
Well, it's pretty obvious what your trouble is.
You just don't know how to handle women.
Oh, Sarnie.
Oz, you may not realize it, but I'm quite a student of psychology,
especially when it deals with the intricacies of the feminine mind.
Since when did all this happen?
Oz, please, do you want me to help you or don't you?
Well, I'd like to hear your opinion. Go ahead.
All right.
Well, then. Now, the way I've got it figured,
you're just a little too easygoing.
You've got to be a little more masterful.
Women like men to get a little tough with them once in a while.
Oh, I don't know, Sarnie.
Oh, Oz, will you believe me? Listen to me.
I know what I'm talking about.
You can't beat old Mother Nature, and this is the way she's got it planned out.
Man is supposed to be the dominating force,
the masterful one, the head of the household.
And believe me, Oz, this is the way the women like it, too.
They don't want to boss their husbands around.
They like a strong, forceful man.
They're the ones who like to be dominated.
Now, listen to me, Oz.
You've got to go back into the house and assert your rights.
Assert yourself.
Show Harriet that you're the boss.
And believe me, she'll love you for it.
By golly, Sarnie, I think you have a point there.
Not to think that I haven't been acting like sort of a jellyfish recently.
Of course I've got a point, Oz.
I think I'll follow your advice.
I'll see you later, Sarnie.
Okay, jelly.
I mean Oz.
Catherine?
Catherine?
I'm finished smoking my pipe.
Can I come in the house now, dear?
Oh, hi, Bob.
Hello, my boy.
What's that?
I said hello, my boy.
It's me, your son, Ricky.
Yes, I know it is, Ricky.
Just that things have been entirely too informal around here,
and I think we might as well start rectifying it by you boys calling me something a little more dignified than Pop.
What should we call you?
Is there anything wrong with Father?
I think so.
He's sure acting funny, boy.
Ricky, you're probably a little too young to understand this,
but nature and tradition have fashioned a certain pattern that we're supposed to follow.
That is that the husband and the father is the head of the household,
the master of the house.
In other words, to put it very bluntly, I'm the boss around here.
Oh, I know you are, Pop.
You do?
How do you know?
Because Mom said you were the boss, and whatever Mom says goes.
Well, from now on, what I say goes.
I mean, I...
Mmm, what's that delightful odor coming from the kitchen?
Mom's cooking an apple pie.
Oh, an apple pie for dinner, eh?
What's this pillow doing here on the couch?
Mom said you might want to rest before dinner.
Oh, trying to soften me up, eh?
Well, as I was saying, from now on...
Oh, boy.
I think it's gravy or something. It sure smells delicious.
Mom's cooking some mashed potatoes for dinner.
Oh.
Your mother's just trying to confuse me.
And it's not gonna work, and she knows darn well it is.
Come on, Rick. Get washed up for dinner.
Okay, Mom.
Hello, dear.
Oh, Harriet, what the heck is going on around here?
Well, nothing's going on.
Well, I mean, for one thing, what's the idea of the pillow on the couch?
Well, the master of the house should have some rest.
The head of the family needs a little relaxation.
Oh, Ricky said it was from me.
Well, it is. Aren't you the master of the house?
Who, me?
Yes, you.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
When will dinner be ready, woman?
Well, when would you like to have it?
Fifteen minutes?
Fifteen minutes.
All right. We can have it sooner if you like.
No. Fifteen minutes will be just about right.
The more I don't think I'll wear any necktie for dinner tonight.
Yes, sir.
I don't think I'll wear a coat either.
You'll be sitting down. You needn't wear trousers either.
I think I'll relax and read the paper for a while.
Oh, wait a minute. I'll get it for you.
No, that's all right. I can get it.
Well, I'll get you slippers.
No, please don't. I'd rather just stretch right out here with my shoes on the couch.
Is there anything I can get for you?
Not a thing, thank you.
Let's see. Where's the financial page?
Oh, what's the use? I can't concentrate.
Harriet, what the heck is going on around here?
Well, nothing's going on.
Gee whiz, what's happened to our happy home?
Well, aren't you happy now?
Well, yes, but...
Well, do you want me to help you set the table or something?
Oh, no. I can set it.
Oh, that's okay. I don't want to argue about it.
Oh, I'm not arguing.
Oh, neither am I. I'm just trying to start a normal conversation.
Oh, have it your way.
Well, of course I'll have it my way.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
Husband and father are supposed to be the head of the household.
Well, certainly it's been that way since time began.
Sure.
Maybe that's what's wrong around here.
Well, look, dear, why don't you just lie down and relax?
Now I'll call you when dinner's ready.
David!
I'm sorry it took so long, Mom.
Where have you been?
Don't you remember you sent me down to the grocery store?
Well, that was over an hour ago. What happened?
I met Kathy Williams down there.
Don't tell me you walked home with her.
Well, heck, I couldn't let a girl carry all those heavy groceries.
What all did she have?
A loaf of bread.
Is that all, for goodness sake?
Oh, it was a jumbo size.
I met her, and I think she likes me.
Really?
Yeah, she said we're going to the movies Saturday.
Some love picture.
I suggested a western, but she said no.
Oh, she did, did she?
Yeah, I have to wear a tie, too.
Well, sounds very formal.
Yeah, she's going to teach me to rumba after the movies.
To rumba?
It takes two to tango.
What's the matter, Mom?
Oh, never mind. Keep going.
Takes two to tango.
She wants me to be a good dancer.
In fact, she insists upon it.
Wait a minute.
I thought you didn't like girls who were bossy.
Is she bossy?
Well, she certainly sounds like it.
Gee, coming from her, you'd never even notice it.
You going to do what she says?
Sure, it'll be fun letting her boss me around.
Oh, I see.
I guess you don't really mind when you like a person.
Excuse me a minute, David.
Ozzie?
Ozzie?
Judy.
Get your feet off the couch and come in here and help me set the table.
He's been dreaming.
You know, Harriet, the more I think about this Strudelmeyer case,
the more I'm definitely convinced that he was wrong.
You know, it's funny you should say that because the more I think about it,
the more I'm convinced that she was to blame.
Poor man.
Why shouldn't he play the tuba in his own home?
Now, you're just saying that to be diplomatic.
I appreciate it, but it was definitely his fault.
No, I really mean it.
The wife is very inconsiderate.
All right, then.
It was the wife's fault.
We're agreed on that, so let's drop the subject.
Do you really think it was her fault?
Of course not.
I just don't want any arguments.
Okay, I'll tell you secretly.
I think it was his fault.
Hey, look at this article in the paper.
Harriet, the Strudelmeyers have buried the hatchet.
Well, good for them.
Who finally gave in?
Well, the man, of course.
Who else?
Is that what it says?
Well, not exactly.
Well, how do you know?
Well, I'll read it to you.
For sale or trade, one tuba slightly battered.
Phone Rudolph Strudelmeyer.
.