Westinghouse, Studio One, Westinghouse.
The name that means sureness.
Whether it's on the finest television sets made today,
or jet engines for America's planes.
Whether it's a product for your home,
for your business, for your farm, for your factory.
You can be sure if it's Westinghouse.
♪♪
♪♪
Tonight, Studio One brings you the story of a man
who was born to laughter,
but wasn't quite sure how to give it away.
A new play by one of television's most original writing talents.
Performed for you by one of the most original and dazzling talents
in the entire theatrical world.
And by a sparkling supporting cast.
Here with, a portrait of Pagliacci among the pinups.
The top banana who very nearly slipped on his own skin.
Mr. Jackie Gleason and company, please to begin.
♪♪
♪♪
Good evening, sir. May I help you?
Tell me where I can find Jerry Giles.
Yes, you'll find his dressing room right through that door behind the pianos.
Yes, sir. Oh, thank you.
He's cute. Who does he work?
A crazy man.
♪ How much is your doggy in your window?
♪ How much for that little hound dog?
You're intruding, but come in.
Mr. Giles? You have come to the right place.
I'm Bill Burkson. Good.
Good what? Good anything.
Good you're Bill Burkson. You're glad you're Bill Burkson, aren't you?
Well, I really hadn't given it much thought.
Oh, you're not a thinker. How do you expect to get any place if you're not a thinker?
Well, I just came 3,000 miles from New York. I didn't think once.
That is a straight line if I ever heard one.
Cosmo, my pants!
Hey, did you ever hear the story about the midget who walked across country?
Quite a while back, yeah.
I don't like you. Who are you?
Bill Burkson. I don't like your name either.
But stick around. There must be something about you I like.
Mr. Giles, I'm with Manhattan Magazine.
I was sent out here to Hollywood to do a feature story on you.
I knew there was something about you I like. Sit down, pal.
And it's Jerry to you, not Mr. Giles.
They wrote me and told me you were coming.
So you're gonna do a story on me, huh?
That makes me pretty important.
They don't do a story on a guy unless he's pretty big bananas.
My editor feels that people are interested in you
after your mediocre rise these past two years.
Two years?
I have been rising for centuries.
And here I am. The world's been waiting for me.
How are you gonna do the story?
I thought you might have some ideas on that. I'm pretty flexible.
Is that so?
I suppose you hang around a couple of days.
I can't wait and get a lot of material.
When anything comes to me, I can tell you.
OK by me.
But I'm warning you now, pal, you better get used to laughs.
I'll have you laughing every minute. I just can't help it.
I'll tell you a joke now. You wanna hear a joke?
Give me a category.
Monkeys. Monkeys.
Montgomery, give me a little monkey music.
I get in the train, see, and I sit down.
And a guy comes in, he sits down alongside of me with a monkey in his lap.
I pull out my tie, mess up my hair, so I get a little steam.
And I go over to the conductor, I said, pardon me, pal, do you allow monkeys in these trains?
He says, get in the corner quickly, nobody will notice you.
See what I mean? Give me another category.
Hey Cosmo, my pants!
Go ahead, give me another category.
Uh, mice. Mice.
Montgomery, segue into a little mouse music.
A boy and a girl mouse are looking for some cheese, see.
So the boy mouse gets his head caught in a mouse trap.
And he passes out cold.
So the little girl mouse leans over and she says to him,
pervert, squeak to me, squeak to me.
I just can't help it. I'm a one-man panel show.
Oh, Giles, Giles, what a pity there aren't 150 million more like you.
What a world this would be.
Cosmo, my pants!
Uh, Mr. Giles.
I understand you've signed a long-term television contract to do your own show.
Well, I haven't signed it yet, but I will any minute.
I'm not worried. Most television people have taste.
Cosmo, if you're not here in five seconds with my pants, you're fired.
Uh, who is Cosmo?
There ain't no such person.
All right, your five seconds are up, you're fired.
I'd just like to give orders.
Uh, about the story, Mr. Giles.
I write it the way I see it, you understand.
That's the agreement you made with my editor.
Billy boy, I got a big secret for you.
My life is one wide-open book.
Of course, I tore out a couple of pages.
Come in, come in, all of you.
Flo, baby, you're as welcome as an air-conditioning unit in the Sahara.
Come on, Giles.
Bill Burkson, boy writer. Flo Stevens, girl vocalist.
Give it to me.
She's gonna do a story on me in a magazine.
Give it to me.
Give you what, sweetie, my heart?
I've already given you that.
I mean the eyebrow pencil you snitched from my dressing room.
They only cost a quarter, why don't you buy one?
Flo, baby, why do you continue this insane struggle?
You know you're crazy about me, you just can't help yourself.
And you better take me soon, I'm getting mighty exclusive.
Look, Jerry, let's get this settled once and for all.
I want you to leave me alone.
I've got a chance to get out of this business, and I'm gonna take it.
I'm tired, Jerry, I need some peace.
You're a nice guy, I like you and all that,
but you just don't fit into the kind of life I want.
It's no good.
Imagine that.
She's gonna tie up with some insurance peddler when she can have me.
I tell you, the world has gone mad.
It's nice to have met you, Mr. Burstyn.
Thank you, same here.
Here to you.
Giles, you are slipping.
The two of us are gonna have a long talk.
Would you mind leaving us alone? I'll see you right after the show.
Oh, all right. You're intruding, but come in.
A telegram for you, Mr. Giles.
Thank you. You are a good one.
You know who this telegram's from?
No, it's television, Pete.
You know what it says?
It says, Dear Mr. Giles, we want you.
All doors are open, name your own price.
Congratulations, I think I'll open it.
Skeptic.
I'll see you later.
OK.
I'll be looking forward to your article on the series.
Thanks.
It's an interesting assignment.
What did you think of his performance?
Almost as good as the one he gave me in his dressing room.
Giles, you're a great director.
You're great.
You're a great director.
Not bad.
You really think so?
Yeah.
What's the word?
Little sanguist in union music.
Well, what's wrong, muttonhead?
Oh, come off it, Jerry.
What is it?
They don't want me, Blue.
I'm not good enough for them.
The TV contract, it didn't come through, Jerry.
I was so sure.
That's too bad, Jerry.
I'm sorry.
Well, Jerry, these things don't always turn out.
You can make another try.
Another try?
Who are we kidding?
I'm just not good enough, that's all.
I know that now.
Well, I didn't mean to push my troubles on you.
You know, it's a funny thing.
People just don't understand.
They think a comic hasn't got any feelings.
All they know about him is that he makes with the laughs.
Put that in your story.
But, Jerry, you still rate pretty high in the night spots.
Sure, in a post-it garbage cans like this one.
How do you think I feel?
I gave the best I had and it just didn't pay off.
Flo, the tubers, you know, I just want somebody to talk to.
Jerry, I appreciate how you feel, but no guy likes to have his girl go...
Well, you understand.
Sure, sure.
I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked in the first place.
Well, good night, everybody.
Good night, Jerry.
Imagine doing that show with that telegram in your pocket.
Tom, he needs to be with somebody right now.
Darling, it's got to stop sometime.
He's interfered with us enough.
This is different.
I don't see that it is.
I'm tired of playing the chump for Jerry Giles.
You've got to make up your mind.
You go with him and that's it.
See?
Look, I don't want to interfere.
It's all right, Mr. Berkson.
I know what you want to say.
But show business or any other kind of business,
a woman doesn't like ultimatums.
What?
It's a pity you couldn't trust me.
Trust?
It isn't a question of trust.
Guy likes to know where he stands.
I've never known where I stand with him around.
Even if Flo and I were engaged,
what kind of a guy asks a girl to go out with him
when their fiancé is sitting right there?
You understand that, don't you, Berkson?
I think so.
Gosh.
Hello, Mr. Warner.
Hey, where's Jerry?
Where's Flo?
He just left.
Well, did he tell you?
Did he get that telegram from the television people?
Oh, tonight I'm the happiest agent in show business.
We're in.
We sign the contracts tomorrow.
Contracts?
But he said the tele...
They didn't turn him down.
Oh, that Giles, what a character.
Always naked with the gags.
Yeah.
Funny guy.
That ain't open. Break it down.
I'm not getting up.
Oh, hiya, Billy.
Hiya.
Got the story started yet?
Give me time.
Give me time.
I've only known you 24 hours.
I haven't got a lead yet.
I'm not even sure I can understand you.
I'm just a guy like any other guy.
A little more talented, maybe, but that's all.
Uh-uh.
Nobody's a guy like any other guy.
Every man is a mystery.
The whole world's a mystery, Billy.
For instance, do you know where a butterfly sleeps?
No.
Well, all you have to do is follow a butterfly until it gets tired.
Okay, I'll stick right with you, Joey, until you get tired.
Congratulations, Jerry.
Thanks, Flo.
I just read the good news.
Why did you do it, Jerry?
Why?
You mean about last night?
Yes, last night.
It was only a gag.
We're always gagging it up, aren't we?
I'm always telling you how nuts I am about you, and you're always telling me what a dope I am.
You weren't joking last night, Jerry, and I believed you.
I believed every word you said.
I even felt sorry for you.
But you just had to have it your own way, didn't you?
Oh, Jerry, why couldn't you leave me alone?
Montgomery, a little boy loses girl, you know.
Your insurance broke her walk down on her last night.
Ah, she wouldn't have been happy with him anyway.
Okay, okay, Joe.
Sit three minutes, all right?
First girl's standing down at usage facing up.
Her taxi changes towards me.
He pulls up, talkz away and throws poles back inside her.
Countries in USA and USA, you can see believable at First Dollars and Hawthorn with Buddies we met on the first Sunday with Buddy,
and with CushOfBAllots, we had so much fun.
That's Bernie.
Little girl, first girl, deputy says 500 dollars share.
Minutes she was walking back to her library, and she found Johnny Why.
We were supposed to see Jerry yesterday, but Jerry looked like he has serious a must-uh night,
and he always pans around Jerry and Julie's bed position, so we made a list for whoever came in last 44.
to go far away. I'm sorry for that right this isn't so bad television's a growing
medium haven't you heard. Let's go someplace with more quiet I'm afraid Bill
that this is as quiet as it's going to get but tell me what are you doing here in
Hollywood an assignment Jerry Giles. I look for you Peg thought about you.
You know when you left New York three years ago I was about to ask you to mind.
It I know that's why I left marriage and career will make
a frustrated actress doesn't mix with anything I'm afraid.
Don't touch the body it's not just about it I just like the work in
a cigarette lighter soggy with combustion. And you got to buy. A bill.
I. Think this up
a cute one right out the back. I stalled. What's
a matter with you somebody stay your rabbit. Jerry thank you know when she needs
a little sweet enough I'll tell a little joke I go into a pet shop see and I say
that a guy I'd like to get
a singing canary so he tells me when I take it home I get it home and I find out
the brute only has one leg so I bring him back to the pet shop I said Hey pal this
canary is only got one way he says what do you want to sing or a dance. We use
that one in our high school minstrel show I believe. You lose me.
I better get out of here before I turn blue.
What was that all about you know a singer named Flo Stevens Oh yes we've met Oh
well no when I share an apartment out here and we don't think he's very funny.
I think Bill I've got to get back to work and I see it after the show but the words
right out of my mouth.
The matter with her she treated me like I was saying but maybe she doesn't like
you Jerry that's possible you know lots of people don't like each other. I don't
know these things take time. Say. You ever hear the story about the coal miner
in the car. Jerry.
I thought the show well I was sensational sensational I think would be a better
description it was terrific the biggest yacht I've ever done I says from here on
it with a magic carpet we're going to sit on chairs filled with hundred dollar
bills and I'll tell you something you're going to quit your job we're going to
move out of here. Just so we can look down and see what the poor people. See
anybody I don't like I'm going to fill a paper bag with water and drop it on a
head. Jerry will you stop interrupting a guy can't get a word in edgewise I am not
going to quit my job. I don't want to pull that big brother routine with you but
from here on in you're going to do as I say I work because I want to be
independent but you don't have to be independent of me especially of you if I'm
not obligated to you I can keep you in line let's face it when it comes to
making a fool of yourself you're well rehearsed now what kind of talk is that
let's quit kidding ourselves about tonight's performance. You were off. I
know it I know it you do it to me every time first you're putting me up and then
you swing the axe what do you mean I was off I thought you'd have a couple more
minutes they would have to take the audience home in an ambulance. What
happened nothing happened I was terrific.
You know this. You're going to get your best what happened.
Was a girl. A smart alecky not important assistant director yes she's crazy about
me I know what the first minute I met her but you know people I don't like to
show their true feelings yes I know all about that she didn't want to let on that
she was attracted to me she made a couple of cracks. What do I care I can get a
hundred days a thousand days.
Coffee brewing you want to come.
Mean. You're in there.
Good. My girl.
You know. I already forgot about.
the
now that you've seen part one of the last maker
let's turn to our working out for
double trouble on watch that
yes this is the kind of double trouble that really stops most women
where can you find a washer that's thorough enough to get a dirty pair of
overalls like this really clean
gentle enough for a delicate nightgown like this
but here's the answer
it's the new nineteen fifty three
westinghouse laundromat with the amazing agitomble action
it's so thorough that it gets even the dirtiest work clothes clean and yet
it's gentle enough so that you're at the most delicate things are perfectly safe
let's see what happens
in the westinghouse laundromat
watch how all the laundry is equally agitated
see these fins in the laundromat's basket
now in slow motion
watch how they agitate every single piece by picking it up and dropping it
as the basket revolves
plenty of agitation and tumbling
that's why it's called
agitomble action
the gentle agitomble action lifts and tumbles all the clothes over and over
so that each piece
is agitated equally
the entire load is constantly agitated
and therefore washed uniformly clean
now this side view of the laundromat shows another westinghouse exclusive
the slanting wash basket
the clothes are washed in this position
and when the basket tilts back
the water drains out
and the clothes tumble as these arrows indicate
and away from the dirty wash water
so the water drains away from the clothes
not through them
see this wonderful new westinghouse laundromat at your dealers
see the westinghouse dryer too
they're america's favorite twins
and remember
you can be sure
if it's westinghouse
they return now to westinghouse studio one
and the lap maker
the
all right turn on a sound
tonight
that's a little bit like an iron balloon i told you i didn't want to use it
gary that's the one i was going to buy one of the books that we can write
jackson i'll get with the stars
and the new very
west
but i don't think that's what i think i think he had to give me a speed up
but don't rush me we need more time to get the spots to get another half hour
state part
no
uh...
over
stand tough
all that
claims
terry
boggy
it
ok
maxwell
asset
to me at all. You're only glad you're on time.
I know Steven wouldn't be unhappy at all.
All right, let's keep it a little quiet down front.
Next thing you know, we'll hit a rustling of popcorn bags and kissing in the balcony.
...of 14 cents in your neighborhood store.
And for the first 100 people who send it to the studio, all call...
All right, cut it!
Well, you know what's wrong with the show?
There's too many jokes, not enough sight laughs.
Next week, give me more sight laughs. I got talent, don't limit me.
And another thing, why do we have to have a commercial every five seconds?
They come to see me not to hear commercials.
I get the audience warmed up, all of a sudden a guy comes out to sell chopped liver.
All right, run it again.
Happy sleeper.
We are going to give away these absolutely free introductory gifts.
Hey.
Well, I'll be starting back in New York in a couple of weeks.
Hmm?
And?
Would you think we ought to talk about it?
I sure could try.
It would be a good idea.
Peggy! Peggy! Peggy, check!
Hi, Peggy!
Hello, Peggy, what's the matter?
The bird has a problem.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry, Peggy.
Hi, Peggy! Hello, Peggy, what's the matter?
Wait till I catch my breath. I'll tell you in a minute.
My agent said...
All right, let's have it quiet in the studio, huh?
My agent called. He said to come over here right away.
I'm going to do the show.
Oh, no! Oh, what a precocious building this coast is!
Oh, Peggy, I knew you'd do it.
I didn't have a thing to do with him.
My agent said Jerry, Jerry did the whole thing.
Jerry John?
I hear somebody mention my name in vain.
I said let's have it quiet in the...
Sorry, Mr. Charles.
Peasant.
Flo, you look as attractive as a rich aunt.
Jerry!
Hey, hey, take it easy.
The other kids will turn purple with envy.
Green.
For me, they turn purple.
But old Flo always gives me the straight line.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you big lug as if you didn't know.
Your agent's got the biggest mouth since Moby Dick.
I told him not to mention my name.
Jerry!
Wait a minute, Peggy.
You don't have to thank me.
You've got plenty of talent.
You're a great vocalist.
You deserve every break you get.
Well, let's get on with the rehearsal.
We laid a bomb last week.
Let's see if we can do a little better this time.
The commercial's got more last than we did.
Mr. Johnston.
Yeah?
I'm sorry.
I guess I owe you an apology.
Why?
You never did anything to me.
Except maybe not laugh at my jokes.
Okay, believe it at that.
Honey, I just guess we had him figured all wrong.
Yeah.
Well, Shakespeare, find out where the butterfly sleeps yet?
No, not quite yet, Jerry.
Every time I think I got you figured out, you do something to confuse me.
You know, maybe you ought to get a slant on my personal life.
I got one, you know.
I'll tell you what.
Come up to the house tonight and meet my sister.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Bring that Peggy with you.
Hey, John!
Why don't you want to come on?
Hey, pal.
What's the matter with that Jane?
I don't know.
Who is she?
I don't know.
Somebody says she's a new singer on the show.
Singer?
Yeah, she's been over there crying.
What about?
How do I know?
I know she's crying.
It's not my department.
Hey, Jerry, did you write this?
A little something I knocked off in my spare time.
Have a booze.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Here you are, sis.
Thanks.
Here you are, pal.
What is it?
It's a little concoction Cosmo draped up.
It's sarsaparilla with an egg in it and just a little dash of sauerkraut juice to give
it a little zing.
Hey, Jerry, how about you playing with this?
I'm not doing a very good job of it.
Sure.
Is he always like that?
No, not always.
How can you tell whether he's being serious or funny?
You mean the real Jerry Mr. Bixson?
I thought writers were perceptive people.
Are you dodging the question?
I know when he's happy.
I know when he's really joking.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's really sad.
I know when he's happy.
I know when he's really joking.
I know when he's hurt.
I know when he's hurt.
How can you tell?
I like him.
You don't, do you?
Frankly, no.
Yet you're writing this article about him.
That doesn't disqualify me.
You don't have to like somebody to understand them.
But can you be objective?
I'll be interested to see how the article turns out.
I'd like for you to see it.
Before I turn it in.
Oh, then you are doubtful.
I didn't say I was.
I think you'll find the clue to Jerry is really quite simple.
I'm sure you'll hit on him.
And now I'd like to ask you a question.
Are you in love with Barry?
Peggy?
I was once.
Could be again.
Very easily.
Why do you ask?
Curiosity.
You get it?
Such a nice day to pigeon walk all the way from Glendale to Pasadena.
Oh, no.
A little corny, huh?
I think that's corny.
You should have seen the first act they ever did.
I was working in a sewer in Coney Island.
The joint was so damp, the manager never had to water the drinks.
He just let the caulk off the bottles.
What a routine that was.
Hey, I'll show it to you.
Oh, well, wait a minute, Jerry.
It's getting late and we've got an early call.
A couple of laughs will do you more good than sleep.
Hey, get a load of this.
I come out with a broken down banjo, see?
I sing my girlfriend gave me this, folks.
She wants me to learn to play it on account that she's very musically inclined.
As a matter of fact, my girlfriend looks like a musical instrument,
a percussion instrument.
She's got a head like a kettle drum.
Every time I slug her, she rumbles.
Then I say a father comes out.
Nothing, huh?
Jerry, our guests have to leave.
Well, I didn't say it was good, did I?
It was the first act they ever did in show business.
Thanks for asking us up, Jerry.
We really have to leave now.
I'll see you at the door.
Thanks a lot, Jerry.
See you tomorrow morning early.
Bel, it's been a pleasure meeting you.
Thank you very much, Bill.
Thank you.
All right, you don't have to say it, I know.
I made a fool of myself again.
Must you play the comic every minute?
I give them what they expect.
They don't expect anything.
You're just relaxing to yourself.
They like you a lot more.
Will you stop picking on me, Bel?
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Jerry, did you ever think of doing an act without gags?
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know exactly what you'd call it.
Comedy with a heart.
You mean that drippy stuff?
It'll fall flat in my face.
But it's worth a try, isn't it?
Look, honey, you run my life.
Don't start running my business.
Why should I take a chance like that?
Change my style?
No, I don't want you to change it.
I just want you to add to it.
I think you ought to show people that you're something more than a fast-talking gag man.
I think you ought to show that to yourself.
What would that get me?
The kind of respect you want.
Now, what kind of a crack is that?
Would you try, honey?
Would you please?
Look, you're a nice kid.
You're smart as a whip, and I love you.
But you've got to stop needling me.
I've got feelings, too, you know.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, honey.
You don't have to get upset about that.
Come on, sweetie.
You're shrinking my tie.
Now, come on.
I know you.
First you butter me up, and then you swing the ax.
And what's it leaning up to?
I thought you said she was unimportant.
That was before.
She's in love with Bill.
Forget about her.
Oh, don't you know you always see yourself through other people's eyes?
If everything's going fine, then it's great.
But if it isn't, you'll grow resentful and your work falls off.
And you don't change until everything's going your way again.
It's got nothing to do with Peggy.
She doesn't want you, and you don't want her.
How do you know?
You've been hanging out with gypsies?
She's got no use for you.
Can't you see that?
In her eyes, you're nothing but a big buffoon!
I'll have Cosmo clean it up.
How are you doing on that trek into the past?
We're on a slow train, Bill.
Why?
We've wasted three years of our lives.
We could have been married, happy.
Bill, if you must know how I feel right now, I'll tell you.
I want a career more than ever.
All right, I couldn't make it as an actress, but I think I can make it in television.
I see.
Bill, I couldn't bear the thought of giving up now, especially now.
I'll be haunted by it for the rest of my life.
What do you mean, especially now?
Oh, Bill, I'm in a tough spot. An assistant director rarely gets moved up, not unless you know somebody.
Like who, for instance?
Somebody important.
How about a big-time comic?
Would he be important enough?
Bill, I'm going to make it, one way or another.
Get me another cup of coffee.
Hey, Jer?
Hi.
I have a big idea for giving you supper.
There's a lot of strange things going on, especially around the stomach.
Well, I brought some coffee.
Thanks.
Here you go.
How did you know I used eight lumps of sugar?
Oh, gee, will you cut it out, please?
I like you better this way.
All right, so I only use five lumps.
New material for the show?
Yep.
Ready?
Peggy, what are you doing in this amazing business?
What do you want?
Do I want?
Yeah, what do you want?
Everybody wants supper.
Even Cosmo has dreams.
Stop snoring in there, Cosmo.
Cut it out, Jer.
I guess I'm no different from anybody else in show business.
I want to get ahead.
It's a long haul.
And don't I know it.
It's tough even when you have got talent.
Yeah.
Of course, a little influence always helps, too.
You know, I stand pretty high with this network.
Would you like to come up sometime and see my ratings?
Oh, Jer, oh, Jer, now honestly, I wasn't hinting.
Oh, of course.
But since I thought of it, let me follow it through.
If you're good, you're last.
If you're not, you're dead.
I got it.
I'll introduce you to Peggy.
You will, Jerry?
When?
Right after the show tonight.
Oh, bless you.
I don't know what you're so excited about.
Is it worth it?
Is it worth it?
Of course it's worth it.
I don't know.
Your work, your hope, do without things, knock your brains out, you finally make it.
What have you got?
I've been living on laughs all my life.
Laughs are my food, my drink, my sleep, my money, my friends, my applause, everything but company.
Oh, Jer.
You know, I was a nice average kid when I was young.
Then I found out I could make people laugh, and I liked it.
So I made them laugh some more.
I got to feel real important.
And if ever they didn't laugh, well, I felt a little hurt.
Before I knew it, the nice average kid was buried.
He died laughing.
Oh, Jer.
You're an all right guy, just as you are.
I knew it, I knew it.
I knew it the first minute I met you.
You're nuts about me.
Oh, yes, I am nuts about you.
Well?
You don't like him, do you?
That's got nothing to do with what's in there.
These things you hint at, are they necessary?
Are they true?
You don't know.
If Jerry sees this...
Now look, this isn't supposed to be a peaches and cream article.
This is going to be read by sophisticated people, people in show business.
They want an honest account, the good and the bad.
I had to write it as I saw it.
But you saw what you wanted to see.
This is not Jerry.
You've seen how he acts when people reject him.
What's he going to do when he reads this, when this is printed for everyone to read?
Your brother's a liar and a phony.
I didn't print that.
He's a hideous, vain, conceited, and at times downright vicious.
I didn't print that either.
I've seen him perform offstage.
I saw what he did to Flo Stevens because she brushed him off.
And then he uses her.
Gets her a job so he can prove to my girl what a great guy he is.
Are you sure about that?
About Flo, about why Jerry got her that job?
No, I'm not.
Well, then you...
You don't really want to print this, do you?
No, I'm not.
You'd never be sure of your motive.
Motive?
Please, take a little time.
Think about it.
Please.
All right.
You promise me Jerry won't see that.
Okay, I promise.
Thank you.
His television show will be on in just a minute.
Do you want to stick around and see it?
I've seen it.
All right, then.
Good night.
Good night.
Okay, boys, tear it down.
You girls are through.
Now leave, huh?
You did a great job.
Thank you.
Thanks, everyone.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Hi.
Good evening, Ross.
How are you?
Did you see our trade show?
No, I sat in the car and listened to the radio.
Oh, you traitor.
Jerry gave a beautiful performance.
Did he?
Yes.
I see you finished your story, maybe?
Well, I thought I had until Peggy.
I've got to talk to her.
Oh, Blake.
Blake, I was looking for you.
Rehearsal's been changed for next week.
Will you check with the studio manager about time?
Peg, tell me about it on your time, huh?
Well, Peg, how did I do?
What was the difference?
Oh, Jerry was the greatest.
Hey, what's the long kisser for?
You look like somebody stuffed your underwear.
Ha, ha.
Nothing, huh?
Well, are you ready?
I'm off then.
Hey, wait a minute.
What is that?
I thought we had a date.
You have been preempted by me.
Stand aside for the better man.
Bill, I'm awfully sorry.
I tried to telephone you to tell you that I...
Tell me what?
That we're starting the same old runaround like three years ago?
Sing me the old song, Sambo.
I don't ever recall making any promises to you ever, Bill.
We had a date.
And so now I've broken it.
You've no right to complain.
You know what I want.
I've told you a thousand times.
Now, leave me alone.
Well, that's quite a setup.
Everybody using everybody else.
You use him to get ahead.
He uses you because he's got to feed his fat ego.
Now, what kind of talk is that?
What kind of a guy do you think I am?
There's a straight line if I ever heard one.
Okay, I'll give you the snapper.
Make room for me in this act.
I'm going to be a stinker too for a change.
There's your snapper.
That's what I think of you.
Oh, ridiculous.
Come on, Jerry, let's go.
All right, let me have it fast and merciful.
How was it?
No acts tonight, Jerry.
No complaints?
No.
You liked it?
Yes.
What's the matter?
The set blow up?
That's it?
You didn't see the show?
I saw the show.
All right, how was it?
It was wonderful.
Better than that.
No, that's the kind of language I understand.
You know, you're not dealing with a superhuman.
I don't even belong on the universe.
You stick around a little while, I'll give you a cup of coffee.
Oh, no, I want to sleep.
I've got a lot of dreaming to do.
Hey.
Huh?
Want to hear a joke?
No, I don't want to hear a joke.
You've never heard this one before?
I'll bet you.
Any amount.
Keep your money.
I've got to get to bed.
I've got an early rehearsal.
Jerry?
Yeah?
What happened tonight?
Jerry?
Jerry?
And now let's pause a moment
and look at our Westinghouse program again.
Stop!
Yes, stop.
Don't rinse those dishes.
Well, there's simply no need to.
Not when you have this amazing new Westinghouse dishwasher.
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Why, you'll be out of the kitchen in just two minutes
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Now, here's what you do.
You just scrape your food waste right off your plate
and then put your dishes over here.
And you can use this surface as a loading surface at any time
because, look, the wash well rolls right out.
And the Westinghouse dishwasher is so easy to load, too,
and it holds more dishes and pots and pans
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It washes them cleaner, too, because of greater efficiency
and it dries them all automatically.
And the Westinghouse dishwasher costs less to install, too,
and it comes in these models.
This cabinet model, this under-the-counter model,
and this new portable model that requires no installation
and that your dealer will be glad to let you try before you buy.
I'll bet you're wondering what happened to those food scraps
that I scraped into the sink here.
Well, they went right down into this Westinghouse food waste disposer
that you can either have with this model
or you can have installed in your present sink,
and it's wonderfully handy.
And let me tell you, you're really going to love
owning this Westinghouse dishwasher
because it makes every night your night off.
It gets you out of the kitchen after dinner
to join in the family fun.
So go and see the Westinghouse dishwasher at your dealer's tomorrow.
Pick the model you like best,
and remember, you can be sure if it's Westinghouse.
We return now to Westinghouse Studio One and the Laugh Maker.
I did my best.
I tried to understand it.
Yes, but you didn't.
It's really quite a pity.
You might have been a better man if you had.
I still haven't changed my mind about him.
Well, thank you for coming by.
Now you'd better go.
I'm expecting Jerry any minute.
Look, Belle, has Peg been here?
No.
I understand Jerry's seen a great deal of her.
You approve of that?
Of what?
She's in love with me.
Has been for years.
I know.
Well, seems to me that you hold the whip hand around here.
Why don't you do something about it?
Why do you let it go on?
Why don't you tell him he's making a fool of himself?
Because he's in love with her.
You never thought of that, did you?
You thought he was incapable of love.
That's what you thought, huh?
And you talk about conceit.
You talk about vanity.
She's in love with me.
I don't care about her, and I don't care about you.
I'm interested in only one person, my brother.
And tell him I will soon be there.
Oh, what a clever man.
Except for the last two, we'll try it again.
And tell him I will soon be there.
Oh, so it's you.
The poison pen artist.
I want to talk to you.
You print one line of that stuff about me, and I'll sue you for slander.
It's not going to be printed. Don't worry about it.
You bet your swollen eyeballs it ain't.
But I'm glad you read it.
I know what it did to you.
You had it coming to you.
Bill!
Goodbye, Peg.
Glad you got what you wanted.
You did get it, didn't you?
Yes, I did get it.
Good.
Then everything's perfect.
Everybody's got what they wanted.
Now, keep your eyes shut.
Make believe we don't know the truth.
Let's make believe we're all very nice people.
All right, you've said enough.
Now, get out.
Three years ago, Peg, I wanted to tell you, you've got no talent.
Don't you know that?
No talent for what you want to do.
The only way you'll ever get anywhere is by lying to yourself and to everybody else.
I never lied to you, Bill.
Only because it was easier not to.
But let's start now, shall we?
Do you love him?
You shot off your mouth enough.
What's the matter?
Afraid you'll find out you've been kidding yourself?
Go on, get out of here.
You'll make nothing but trouble ever since you came here.
First, I want an answer.
How about it, Peg?
It's a simple question.
What is your answer?
Do you love him?
Go on, tell her.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who said anything about anybody loving anybody?
Sorry, Jerry.
What a routine this is.
With a couple of good laughs, I could fracture an audience with it.
Maybe I ought to call my writers up.
Boy, I can hear the dialogue now.
I say to her, what do you want with a slob like me when you can have a handsome guy like him?
Maybe I can do a baggy pants bit and a couple of pratfalls.
Jerry, please, Jerry.
Go on, get out, get out.
I put out a clean blue shirt for you on the bed.
You'd better hurry.
You'll be late for the run-through.
I'm sorry.
I had to do it.
I know it wasn't right.
I'm just questioning your methods, Mr. Berkston.
Because you found out that after all it really was quite simple, didn't you?
He's just a guy like anybody else.
Oh, he's a braggart, yes, mean sometimes, maybe vicious.
But is he anything you've shown yourself not to be?
I guess you got something there.
Hey, pal.
I've got a great sketch for next week.
It's a prize fight routine, see?
I get in the ring with a big bruise and I'm wearing trunks that come way past my knees.
Oh, baby.
Jerry.
I don't feel like making anybody laugh tonight.
Just like that guy in the opera.
You've got to stop trying to be something you're not.
If you don't, you'll never be happy.
Don't worry, I'll change.
Belle?
Yeah?
I put a new sketch in the show tonight, I think you're going to like it.
I'll have the axe ready and sharpened.
Okay.
Oswald!
I want to ask you something.
I may not be good looking, but I ain't bad looking, ever.
Hurry up, you'll be late.
All right, I'm going.
Well, am I?
Anything else, miss?
I've been looking everywhere for you, Bill.
Yeah?
When are you leaving?
Tomorrow morning.
I think I could have lied to him if you hadn't been there.
Yeah, I know.
Makes me out pretty awful, doesn't it?
No, just stupid.
Oh, now you're going to make a big thing out of it.
For a while, till you're good.
What time tomorrow?
Early.
Bill, do you think we can make another reservation?
You sure about the career?
What career?
Oh, that's the funniest thing ever!
Oh, sure!
I'll have some coffee!
Hey, Doc!
How about a cup of coffee?
Sure!
I'll have a cup of coffee!
What's wrong, Muttonhead?
When you get that hangover look, somebody's into trouble, I ought to know.
Still thinking about that insurance peddler, Bill, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Did I ever tell you I was sorry about that?
Were you?
No.
What is it, Muttonhead?
Such honesty, something must be wrong.
I want to ask you a question.
Do you think I'm good looking?
Well, you're not Clark Gable.
Then you're not a monster, either.
One minute, Giles, one minute.
Look, I'm going on.
You know how upset I get.
Tell me.
What more do you want?
I said you weren't a monster.
And you've got lots of other stuff, too.
Me like charm?
Oh, you're loaded with it.
Funny charm, huh?
And personality.
There's nothing without personality.
Look, Muttonhead, what do you want?
The big build-up?
OK, I'll give it to you.
But remember, I...
I mean this.
I think you're the greatest.
I think you're the funniest comic,
and the screwiest screwball,
and the lousiest louse.
Of course, that's only one girl's opinion,
so take it for what it's worth.
What an opinion.
Flo, you have just proved yourself to be a girl of taste and discrimination.
Hey, I'm on.
I love you.
THE END
THE END
THE END
THE END
Hey, did you hear that applause?
That was terrific.
Oh, you big love, why don't you wait and let me tell you you're terrific.
Oh, yeah.
Tell Tommy I didn't change.
I'd never be happy.
So, OK, you tell him.
You tell me how terrific I was.
Mr. Giles, you were absolutely and positively terrific.
Who's that?
Caswell.
THE END
Now Betty Finesse wants to show you the suitcase that never left home.
No wonder.
It's so moldy and warped, and look, even the hinges are rusted.
Well, that's what happens when things are exposed to dampness.
But you can protect anything against the costly threat of dampness
with this amazing new Westinghouse dehumidifier.
Use it in the basement, workshop, storage room, laundry.
It takes that harmful moisture right out of the air.
That's right.
The humid moist air goes in here, and then it comes out from the back here dry.
And what happens to the moisture?
Well, it condenses into water and drops into this container here.
And the Westinghouse dehumidifier can actually take three gallons of water out of the air in 24 hours.
And because it's portable and plugs in anywhere,
that means that you can use it to remove the dampness from any part of your house.
And your Westinghouse dealer will gladly put one in your house for a free demonstration.
It's only $139.95, so call him tomorrow.
And remember, you can be sure if it's Westinghouse.
Be sure to watch the new daytime TV shows, Meet Buddy Furness and Freedom Rings,
on most of these stations each week.
Next week, another new play written especially for Studio One by Stanley Niss.
A melodrama as exciting as the talents of its stars.
We hope you'll be with us.
Jackie Gleason appears tonight through the courtesy of the makers of Nescafé and the Schick Electric Shaver.
Tonight's production of Westinghouse Studio One will be seen by America's Armed Forces overseas.
This is Paul Brinson saying goodnight for Westinghouse,
who have made more than 40 million products for the American home.
Hope you will be with us again next week.
Until then, goodnight.
Dresses by Hannah Troy and Will Steinmark.
Portions of tonight's program were a Mechanic's Choice.
Portions of tonight's program were mechanically reproduced.
Cool off your home with this amazing new Westinghouse Riviera Fan.
Put it in the window held by its own cable.
It drives hot air out.
Turn it around to pull the cool air in.
See this wonderful four-way fan, the Riviera, at your Westinghouse dealers.
Twice a week in...
This is the CBS Television Network.