Hiya everybody, I'm Harriet Nelson. I'd like to take this opportunity to say a few words
about our Hot Point garbage disposal and washer. You know, we've had ours in our home for several
years now and we think it's just wonderful. I'll bet that if you have one in your home
for a couple of weeks, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it. It takes all the
drudgery out of kitchen work. It's an absolute necessity to modern living.
Hot Point Quality Appliances presents America's favorite family comedy, The Adventures of
Ozzie and Harriet, starring the entire Nelson family, Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.
So settle back in your easy chairs and enjoy another delightful half hour with all the
Nelsons. Ozzie Nelson, of course, plays the part of the head of the Nelson household,
Ozzie. And here is his lovely wife, Harriet Nelson, who keeps the family on an even keel.
Hello, Harriet. The smiling young teenager we now see is David Nelson, older of the two
Nelson boys and played by David Nelson. And here we have the youngest of the Nelsons,
the little guy with the twinkle in his eye, Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson. The
Nelsons' next door neighbor, Mr. Thornberry, better known as Ozzie's pal, Thorny, is played
by Don DeFore. David, the breakfast table is no place for
you. I'm not hungry. I'm just looking at the pictures. What's the difference? Looking at
pictures or reading, it's the same thing. I wish you'd tell that to my teacher. If you
boys are finished, David, why don't you take your paper in the living room? We were just
waiting to help you clear off the table, Mom. Isn't that nice of us? This sounds to me like
the old familiar brother act of yours. The song and dance for the allowance advance.
This isn't the old act, Pop. Heck no, this is a new one. Getting out of the play for
the PTA. Oh. What play is that? Oh, the PTA is putting on a pageant and they need some
extra boys. Looks like you two guys get hooked, huh? Yeah. Whenever they need mountains or
houses, they just paint them on a big canvas curtain. Why can't they do the same with the
boys? Yeah, that's a thought. What's the name of this play, Harriet? Oh, it's called Robin
Hood and His Merry Band. Holy smoke, a musical? Don't be silly, Ricky. I think you'll enjoy
it. We'd enjoy it a lot more if we were sitting in the audience. Oh, come on now, it ought
to be a lot of fun. Just think, you get to wear a costume and carry a bow and arrow.
Hey, that's a neat idea. If anybody in the audience throws something at you, you can
shoot back. Well, then when Mrs. Pennyfeather stops by this afternoon, I'll tell her you
volunteered, huh? Volunteered? Have you asked me? We've been drafted. Hey, do we have any
apples around here, Mom? Well, yes, dear. There's some in there on the coffee table,
I think. Don't tell me you're still hungry. Oh, no, I don't want to eat it. I want to
see if I can shoot it off David's head. Isn't that kind of a dirty trick, roping the poor
kids in on a PTA pageant? Oh, I bet they get a big kick out of it. Besides, I'm a member
of the committee. How would it look if my own boys weren't in it? Oh, yes. Say, maybe
you'd like a part. Oh, no, you don't. You're not going to rope me in on anything like that.
I have more important things to do. Well, I can see your point, dear. You'd have to
spend all your time rehearsing and you wouldn't have any time to cut the lawn or help me with
the household chores. Well, of course, on the other hand... Oh, no, you don't. It's
not going to have anything to do with it. As long as you mention the lawn, though, I
think I'll go outside and have a look at it. You're going to cut it? Well, don't you remember
our agreement? I promised you I'd mow it as soon as it got to be four inches high. I was
afraid maybe you'd forget. I think it's four inches high now. Oh, of course I wouldn't
forget. After all, an agreement's an agreement. If it has to be cut, it has to be cut. Good
for you. That's the old spirit. What are you looking for? Where's my ruler? Hi, Hans. Oh,
hi, Thorny. What are you doing with the ruler? I'm just measuring the lawn. Oh, tired of
green, huh? Going to have slipcovers made for us? No, Harry and I have a little agreement.
When the grass gets to be four inches high, I cut it. Yeah? Well, it looks like that to
me. No, it's three and five eighths. I just measured it. Oh. Say, you know, this isn't
a bad idea. I think I'll work out a deal like this with my boy, Will. I'll cut the grass
when it's four inches high. Where's Will fit into the picture? Well, he can cut it when
it's three inches high. That way, it'll never get to be four inches high. That's okay, Oz.
I'm a patient man. I stopped by to make sure you're going to the PTA play this year. Oz,
you won't want to miss it. Oh, yes, I will. Oh, no, no, it's going to be great. It's not
like the other plays we've done. This is really going to be something. What makes you so sure?
I'm in it. As a matter of fact, I have one of the leading roles. However, I didn't stop
by to brag, as long as I'm here on these. Well, this is actually a fact. You're going
to play one of the leading roles in the Robin Hood pageant or play or whatever it is? Yeah,
very. Just written in the stars. Just answer yes or no. I can't, Oz. I'm an actor. Oh,
the play that's going to be. However, I might have known you'd worm your way into it. You're
such an insufferable ham. Who's a ham? Oh, I deny it. Look what happened at the Lodge
Minstrel Show last year. You kept trying to ruin my solo. Every time I'd start to sing,
you'd chime in with me. Well, neither one of us had any business singing. We were only
ushers. I thought it lent sort of a novel touch to the occasion. Novel is right. It's
the first time I ever heard of the customers throwing out the ushers. Getting back to this
Robin Hood deal, Thorny, as long as you're going to be in it, I want you to know I'll
attend and I'll be pulling for you. I wish you a lot of luck. Spoken like a true friend,
Oz. Yes, sir. I'll be there. When you forget your lines, I'll be pulling for you. When
you stumble awkwardly around the stage, I'll be pulling for you. When the audience starts
to titter a little and then they start to boo and even when they hiss, I'll be pulling
for you. When the play is all over, I'll go backstage and I'll go out in the alley and
I'll pull you out of the trash can. Glad you stopped by, Mrs. Pennyfeather, and I'm so
happy to know that everything's working out so nicely. Thank you a lot, Mrs. Nelson. I've
gotten such wonderful cooperation from just everybody. Oh, Ozzie, you know Mrs. Pennyfeather.
Oh, yes, I do, Mrs. Pennyfeather. That's quite a play you're putting on, I understand, over
the PTA. Oh, yes, we're all excited about it. I imagine at this late hour all the parts
are taken. Well, I believe there are a couple of parts left. Don't worry, Mr. Nelson. Mrs.
Nelson tells me you don't want anything to do with it. Oh, well, I'm not a very good
actor. It's Robin Hood, isn't it? Yes, it is. It takes place in England, I believe.
Oddly, anything I'd be able to do. Why, Mr. Nelson, that's wonderful. It's nothing. It's
really nothing, mademoiselle. La flume est sur la table. Oh, Mrs. Nelson, it's marvelous.
That's a wonderful Spanish accent. Well, I'll be running to Ozzie. Mrs. Pennyfeather, on
second thought, I hate to disappoint the ladies. I tell you, if at the last minute you should
need an actor, I can be coaxed into playing the part. Oh, that's very nice, Mr. Nelson.
If we get into trouble, I'll call you. Yes, just anything at all. It doesn't have to be
a big part, just any small part at all. I'll try and find one for you, Mr. Nelson. Oh,
okay. Here you are. Here's my card, the name and the phone numbers on there, just in case
one of the leads should happen to get sick or anything at all. Well, thank you. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mrs. Pennyfeather.
You heard, I was just browsing through some old things up in the attic, and I came across
some of these plays that I was in in school. You know, I just don't get the sudden change
in your attitude. When I told you about the play this morning, you weren't at all interested.
Oh, well, I got to thinking it over, and I figured I should do my share for the PTA.
I hope Mrs. Pennyfeather doesn't give me too big a part. You know, Thorny's going to be
in this thing. He has one of the leading roles. Oh, is he really? Yeah. Didn't look so well
today either. I hope he doesn't get sick. Cheer up, dear, he might. Hey, here's one
of the plays I took part in in school. Let me read you my part. Somewhere here in the
middle. Here it is on page 16. It's a pretty dramatic bit, too. Don't shoot!
What's wrong? Oh, that's all. He shot. I'm sure. It started on page 16 and ended on page
16. Well, yeah, it was no long part as far as lines were concerned, but I was through
the entire play as a result of it. You see, after the guy shot me, I rolled under the
dining room table, and then I lay there during act two and act three. It was a pretty interesting
play. It was written by a guy named Ed Jones. He wrote most of the plays for us in school.
Oh, Jonesy. Oh, listen. Here's one of Jonesy's. But Hark! What light through yonder window
breaks? Tis the moon, and Juliet is the sun. I think that was one of Jonesy's best.
Why, Ozzie, that's Shakespeare. Oh, yes, I know, but we never had the heart to tell Jonesy.
Oh, I get it. Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Pennyfeather. Mrs. Pennyfeather? Friends, Romans, countrymen,
lend me your ears. What did you say, Mrs. Pennyfeather? I come to bury Caesar, not to
praise him. Well, bury him out in the yard. I'm talking on the phone. Evil men who lives
after them, the good is often tared with their bones. Just a moment, Mrs. Pennyfeather. Ozzie,
Mrs. Pennyfeather is trying to tell me about your part. Now stop reading Jonesy's plays.
Jonesy's? This is one of mine. Yes, dear. Go on, Mrs. Pennyfeather. This afternoon?
What part? Oh, well, yes, I'll tell him. Oh, I'm sure that'll be fine. He just wants to
do what he can for the PTA. All right, goodbye. One of the leading parts. I can tell by the
look on your face it's one of the leading parts and you hate to tell me. Well, you're
right in a way. I do hate to tell you. The part of Robin Hood, the lead? Well, no, it's
not quite Robin. It's more like Dobbin, Uri's horse. A horse? Well, that's a fine thing
to do. But dear, you only wanted a small part. You said yourself you didn't want a lead.
Well, you didn't really believe that, did you? Well, no, I didn't, but Mrs. Pennyfeather
doesn't know you as well as I do. A horse? Probably just an ordinary horse, too. Not
even any lines to say. One consolation, you're the front half. Oh, I'll bet you'll be very
good in it. Oh, yes, yes. I'll probably do such a good job that next year they'll do
Tarzan and promote me to a monkey. Mr. Wodger, help me set a starting table. Oh, Harriet,
stop leading me by the necktie. I thought you were in a hurry for your lunch. Oh, you
don't have to fix any lunch for me. I think I'll just go out in the yard. There's three
and five-eighths inches of nice grass out there, nice green grass. If anybody wants
me, I'll be grazing. Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment. Dishes, dishes,
dishes. Three times a day, every day of your life. Sometimes does the sight of another
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Oh, here you are. I wondered where you were hiding.
Oh, well, I'm not hiding exactly. Oh, I should be.
What's the matter?
Oh, Harry, you know very well it's humiliating being made a horse's head. Golly, I don't
know why I let myself get involved in this thing in the first place.
Well, why don't you just call Mrs. Pennefeather and tell her you don't want to play the part?
What could I say?
Well, tell her you just don't want to play it. It's the truth, isn't it?
Well, yes, but I mean that seems like such a cowardly thing to do. Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you call her on the phone and tell her I can't make it because I'm sick?
I will not.
You will not.
No.
See, the worst part is this thorny has a leading role in the thing, you know.
Well, you could have had a better part last week. Why didn't you volunteer then?
Well, because I didn't know thorny was going to be in it then. I didn't find out about
it until yesterday.
Hey, Mom, Pop, we've memorized our part.
You want to hear it?
Sure, go ahead.
Don't forget yours this time.
No worry, I won't.
Okay, you ready?
Ready.
One, two, three.
Hooray for Robin Hood!
How do we sound?
Oh, that's very good. Isn't that good, dear?
Oh, yes, yes.
Your father's going to be in the play, too.
No, Harriet, please.
Oh, are you, Pop? What part are you going to play?
Well, I'm going to play sort of a character role, David.
Oh, are you going to be Robin Hood?
No, but you're getting warm. Perhaps I should explain the entire deal so you guys won't
think what I'm doing is completely unimportant.
Now, true, I'm not playing the part of Robin Hood. He's the big man. But for every big
man, there's a little man, the man behind the man.
Are you the man behind?
No, I'm the man in front.
You mean you're in front of Robin Hood?
Well, not exactly in front of him. I'm under him.
Gee, that sounds like a horse.
Oh, Ricky, don't be silly. Pop isn't going to play the part of a horse.
I was only kidding.
Pop's a good actor, boy. What part are you going to play, Pop?
I'm a tree stump.
A tree stump? Gee, what kind of a part is that?
Look, boys, your father's very generously offered to donate his time and efforts to
make this PTA play a success. Now, it may sound silly to you, but the part that he's
playing is that of a noble, valiant steed.
Gee, what's that?
Pop's a horse.
Well, is there anything wrong with being a horse?
Not for a horse.
Well, I hope you won't be ashamed of your old father. I hope I won't embarrass you in
front of your friends.
No, we won't be ashamed of you, Pop.
Of course not, Pop. You'll be all covered up, won't you?
Look, boys, I think you better go outside and rehearse your part some more.
Okay, Mom. Come on, Ricky.
Hooray for Robin Hood!
Hooray for his horse, too!
What a humiliation. My own two sons ashamed of me. Harriet, this is the last straw.
Straw, how do you like that? I'm even beginning to talk like a horse.
Oh, dear, there is one possible way out.
What's that?
Well, I was talking to Mary Dunkel, and she said that Dunk's awfully disappointed with
his part. Maybe he'll trade with you.
That's all I want to know. I'll phone him right now.
Hey, wait a minute.
Look, there's always the possibility that his part may not be as good as yours.
As good as mine? Harriet, what in the world could possibly be more humiliating than playing
a horse's head?
That's one chance in a hundred, but I'm not willing to take it.
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Nelson!
Oh, hi, honey loa.
Shake hands, Mr. Nelson. I just heard that you're in the PTA play, and so am I.
Oh.
We're fellow troopers. The show must go on. Stage door Johnny, pull the curtain. Don't
have days.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
I'm so glad to see you, too.
The show must go on. Stage door Johnny, pull the curtain. Don't have days.
Come on, Mr. Nelson. We're actors. Don't you know any theater talk?
Uh, theater talk? Uh, two in the balcony, please.
Oh, no, Mr. Nelson. If you're going to be an actor, you've got to know the language
of the theater. It's the language of grease paint and wigs, of costumes and backdrops,
of color and laughter, of tears and cheers, of blazing marquees and dust-covered posters,
success and failure, curtain up, curtain down, spotlights, floodlights, footlights.
That's the language of the theater.
Oh, I mean, Lou, that's beautiful.
Being an actress is so exciting. I'm playing the part of the innkeeper's daughter.
What part do you have?
Oh, well, if you're the innkeeper's daughter, I'll be seeing you.
Oh, are you one of the men who work at the tavern?
No, but I sort of hang around the tavern a great deal. I spend most of my time out in
back of the tavern, around by the stables, you might say.
Well, if you're not one of the men, what else is there around the stables?
It couldn't be a sack of oats or a bale of hay.
No, not exactly, but you're getting warm. I'll give you a little hint.
Who eats oats and hay?
No one that I know. Let me think. Eats oats and hay.
I might as well tell you, Lou. I play the part of a horse.
A horse?
Yeah, Robin Hood's horse. Pretty awful, huh?
I think that's wonderful, Mr. Nelson. That's a very important part.
You'll be on stage just about all the time, galloping along, your horsey muscles rippling
in the footlights, your long, graceful legs stretch out as the spurs bite into your ribs.
Faster, faster, faster. There's a high fence. You've got to jump it, old horse.
No, no, no, wait, Robin Hood. I'll go around and open the gate.
I can just see you, Mr. Nelson, racing along, your head held high, Robin Hood bouncing up and down on your broad back.
Oh, say, that's a thought. Robin Hood's going to be riding on my back, isn't he?
Who's playing the part of Robin Hood, I wonder?
Tubby McIntyre.
McIntyre? You mean they're going to have some big fat guy riding on my back?
Oh, no, Mr. Nelson, they just call him that. He's not the least bit tubby and fat.
Oh, that's a real... You're sure?
Oh, positive. He's 220 pounds of solid muscle.
I want to see him.
Yeah!
Hiya, Tony.
Hiya, Oz.
I got some interesting news for you.
That play tomorrow night, there's going to be one really fine actor in it.
Well, Oz, that's what I told you this morning.
No, no, no. You missed the point entirely. You're going to have a little competition.
I've donated my talents, too.
Well, congratulations, Oz. I'm glad you're going to be in it.
We'll have a lot of fun up there.
Oh, that's what I figured. You and I together.
Oh, I can see us up there now, horsing around.
Who told you?
Tell me what? Don't we always horse around?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Boy, I've really got a great part, too.
Of course, it isn't as good as the part you have. You have one of the leading roles.
Well, Oz, about the leading role, now that you're going to be in the play, I think I'd better tell you about it.
Well, isn't it a leading role?
Well, yes, yes, in a way.
Robert Hood rides up on his horse and I lead him into the stable.
What part do you have, Oz?
Oh, well, mine is one of those parts that'll be talked about.
As a matter of fact, I'll probably never hear the end of it.
I'm actually afraid the part is a little too big for me.
I would say it's a part that suits a man of your talents a little better.
Well, now, wait a minute, Oz.
You mean you want to trade your part for the part of a lowly stable boy?
The only thing he does is lead a horse into a stable.
Well, yes, Thorny, I really would for the good of the play.
Well, now, Oz, before you have a chance to change your mind, let's make a deal.
You take my part and I take your part. Let's shake.
It's a deal. No backing out now. It's a definite deal.
No backing out. You have my part and I have your part.
Right.
All right, now, Oz, what am I going to be?
Well, come on, tell me. I'm all ears.
You will be.
Thorny, old boy, this breaks my heart.
You are now the front end of Robin Hood's horse.
Oh, Oz, what a lowdown thing to do.
What a dirty trick to play on your old pal, Thorny.
Oh, go on. You'd do the same thing to me if you got the chance.
Oh.
Besides, the part you gave me isn't so hot. A stable boy?
Yeah? Who said you were?
Well, that's what you were going to be, wasn't it?
Yeah, that's what I was going to be.
Up until about an hour ago when I traded parts with Dunkle.
Now, wait a minute. You didn't tell me you traded parts with Dunkle.
Well, of course not, Oz. You didn't ask me.
Thorny, what part am I playing?
Well, you were the head of the horse.
Just back up a little.
Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.
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Hi there.
Oh, hi. I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, Thorny and I took a little stroll downtown. What's up?
Well, I got some good news for you.
Mrs. Pennyfeather called and you're not going to have to be the horse tomorrow night after all.
Good news?
Oh, Harriet, that's a big disappointment. After all, Thorny and I were looking forward to being in this.
He was going to be in the horse outfit with me. He was going to be the front part.
Well, as I recall it, so were you. That would have been a rather interesting looking horse.
Oh, oh, right.
Well, you see, I had a very clever trick for getting Thorny to take my part.
And he had a very clever trick for getting me to take his part.
And prior to that, Dunkel had had a very clever trick for getting Thorny to take the part that he originally had.
And so it wound up by being quite a medley of very clever tricks and...
And you ended up...
I ended up the... yes.
How come we're not going to do the horse bit?
Oh, well, it seems there's only one horse costume in town and the PTA hadn't reserved it.
So when Mrs. Pennyfeather called up to rent it, somebody else had already taken it.
Just this afternoon, too.
Oh, what a shame.
Oh, yes, dear?
We're not going to have a hamburger for dinner, are we?
No, we're having pork chops. Why?
Oh, boy, I sure am glad of that. I was worried.
Well, since when have you been so concerned over what we have for dinner?
You know what I found out in the garage?
Oh, uh, Rick, look, you're interrupting him, dear mother.
Now, dear, what did you find out in the garage?
The skin of a horse.
Yeah, I was afraid we were going to have a hamburger for dinner.
The skin of a horse.
What a coincidence.
Okay, Harriet, I'll admit it.
Thorny and I went down there and rented the horse outfit.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
It certainly would have left the PTA in the lurch if they hadn't decided to eliminate the part of the horse anyway.
Wait a minute.
You mean to say they were going to cut out the horse bit even if they could have rented the costume?
Uh-huh. Mrs. Pennefeather decided it cost too much money.
Well, that's a fine thing.
Thorny and his bright idea cost us $20.
You sure it wasn't your idea?
Well, we both got the idea, but after all, he's the horse's head.
He's supposed to have the brains.
Well, anyway, you were left out of the play.
Yeah, we're out $20 too.
Oh, uh, I'm going over and get Thorny.
Would you ask Dave and Ricky to come outside in the back, please?
Well, yes, dear, but what for?
Well, I just thought they might like to witness the most unusual sight.
A horse taking turns kicking himself.
Next week, the adventures of Ozzie and Harriet will be brought to you by prophylactic toothbrushes, Listerine toothpaste, and Listerine, the most widely used antiseptic in the world.
The part of Emmy Liu was played by Janet Waldo.
Elmira Sessions played the part of Mrs. Pennefeather.
Don't forget that a completely different episode of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet is heard every Friday night on radio.
Consult your newspaper or time and radio station.