Henry! Henry Ulrich!
Coming, Mother!
Thank heaven, American boys eventually grow up.
But no matter how important or how old they become,
they always like to grow down to boyhood again,
to recapture their teenage and the adventures of Henry Ulrich.
The scene opens in the Ulrich front hall.
It is Saturday morning.
Well, I guess I'm just about all set, Homer.
Gee, Henry.
Gee, how'd you ever talk your folks into it?
I didn't have to, Homer.
After all, it's the most natural thing in the world to do.
Boy, I bet this is the biggest day in your life since your first pair of long pants.
Gee, Homer. Gee whiz.
My mother and father just suddenly realized that I've reached the age of manhood.
Gee, I wish I would.
Henry!
Yes, Mother?
Have you got your money?
Sure, Mother.
Well, here, I want you to tie it up in this handkerchief.
Mother!
Oh, Alice, stop worrying. He won't lose it.
Sure. Gee whiz, didn't we all agree I wasn't a kin anymore?
That's right, son.
Now run along and use your own judgment about the whole thing.
Thanks, Dad. And Homer, when we get down there, I don't want you saying anything.
Nothing at all.
Only if I ask for your opinion.
And even if he asks you, Homer, please don't interfere.
We want Henry to make his decision entirely on his own.
Sure. Come on, Homer. Let's go.
Only, Henry, if you really can't decide, be sure and phone me.
I'll be okay, Mother.
Good luck, Henry.
Dear, have you got the handkerchief?
Yes, Mother. Good-bye.
Well, please be careful, and Henry...
Alice, let him go.
Sam, we should never have let him do it.
No, Alice, Henry's perfectly capable of handling a thing like this by himself.
Well, maybe he is. But just the same...
Why are you putting your coat on?
Sam, I'm going to stay a good hundred yards behind him.
Alice, you're going to do no such thing.
Well, here I am, everybody. How do you like me?
Henry!
Henry, oh, Henry, oh, this is your fault. Thanks.
Gee whiz, what's so terrible?
Sam, speak to him.
I refuse to say a word to him until he takes that thing off his head.
You...
You mean you don't like the hat, Father?
After you told me I could choose my own?
All he needs now is spats and a cane.
Henry, I hardly know what to say to you.
But, Mother...
My goodness, a straw hat!
Dear, what on earth possessed you to buy a thing like that?
Look, Mother, it's a genuine West Indian straw worth 14.50.
And on account of winter coming on, I got it for only three dollars.
Did you suppose any of my friends saw him walking along under that?
Mary, Mother said I could pick it out myself.
Oh, no, I didn't.
Sam, you were the one who decided your son could choose his own clothes from now on.
Alice, he's your son as much as he is mine.
Look, look, let me sort of walk away from you, Mother, so you can get a better perspective.
What's that?
The whole trouble is everybody's just looking at it too closely.
Pretend I'm walking down the street, see?
Yes.
Doesn't the hat begin to look better?
Keep on walking, Henry.
Sure, you see my coin?
There, now it looks fine.
But Father, I'm out in the hall!
Recycling!
Henry, will you please stop this foolishness and come back here?
Mother, won't you please try to look at the overall effect?
You always have to make an adjustment when you see a man you're not used to in a hat.
Oh, I mean...
Henry, let's not waste any more time talking.
You'll just have to march straight down to the Emporium and return that hat.
Return it?
Mother, you don't mean...
You're just kidding, aren't you?
I've never been more serious in my life.
But gee whiz, Mother, I can.
Father, you see my side, don't you?
Sam, will you please explain to Henry that you were wrong about the whole thing?
As a matter of fact, Alice, I just remembered some work I have to do.
Sam!
Mother, look, I can't go back. I can't.
Henry, it's a perfectly simple matter to walk into a store and say,
I've changed my mind about this and I'd like my money back, please.
Of course it is, Henry.
Oh, boy.
My goodness, I do it all the time.
But Mother, the clerk will think that I don't know my own mind.
Just tell him your mother refuses to let you wear it.
After him calling me, sir?
Oh, gee whiz, I can't walk into a store and start talking about my mother as if I was a little boy.
Dear, even big boys have mothers. Now please start.
Gee whiz, Mother, I can't. I just can't.
Very well. Mary, will you please take Henry by the hand and-
Mary, don't you touch me!
Mary, are you ready to go by yourself?
Mother, listen, won't you please try to look at it this way?
Yes, sir, is there something I can do for you?
Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I- Homer, how would you like to sort of step over there and look at those coats a minute?
Well, Henry, I'm interested.
Oh, you're interested in buying a coat, young man?
Me? Gee whiz, no, I've got a coat.
Homer.
Well, I guess it wouldn't do any harm to investigate.
Look, mister, look, about this hat, it isn't that I don't like it.
I knew you'd like it, sir. Why, in all my years in hats, I've never seen a face that fitted a hat the way yours fits that one.
Yeah, sure, only that's exactly what worries me, the fit.
The fit? Well, we can certainly remedy that.
You can?
Well, I don't mean the fit so much as, well, as my doctor.
What's that?
I don't know how it slipped my mind, but according to my doctor, I shouldn't wear a hat, I think.
Why not?
Well, I'm sort of losing my hair.
Oh, is that so? Well, if you're really losing your hair, you don't ever want to be seen without a hat.
I don't?
No, sir. Now, just let me set it back on your head.
But, mister, what I-
Always remember to give it a pat, like this. There you are.
Well, sure, only-
How do I look in this?
Homer, where are you?
Right here, inside this coat, isn't it?
Young man, are you interested in buying that raccoon coat?
I'm interested, sure. How much is it?
Three hundred dollars.
Yeah? Well, frankly, I've suddenly lost interest.
Mister, look. Look, about this hat, I've, I've decided to return it.
Return it?
Sure, and I'd like my money back, please, if you don't mind. Well, that is-
What's the matter? Didn't your mother like the hat?
My m-mother?
Gee, she has nothing to do with it.
Well, that is-
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid we can't take it back.
Why not?
What about your initials?
Oh, I forgot about the initials.
There they are, right on the sweatband. H-A, as large as life.
We never take a hat back once it's been initialed.
But couldn't you remove them?
Remove them?
Yeah.
Well, how could we remove initials? They're perforated. Look, H-A.
Oh, well, couldn't you just add a T to the H-A, and then you'd have H-A-T? You know?
No, just a minute, son.
Hello?
Hello. Is this Mr. Harold Acorn?
Allcorn, Henry.
What's that?
I mean, allcorn.
Yeah? Who's this?
Well, you don't know me, see? I just found your name in the phone book.
You did?
Sure. I'm phoning everybody I can find who has the initials, H-A.
And, look, how would you feel about a swell new hat?
Yeah? What program is this?
What program?
Sure. Didn't you say you were giving away a hat?
No, gee whiz, I'm selling it.
Selling it?
Look, just let me ask you this. What size is your head?
Eight and a half. What's it to you?
Eight and a half? Wow. So just forget the whole thing. Goodbye.
Quick, let's see the phone book, Homer. Are there any more H-As?
Sure, only I think all this phoning is hopeless.
Homer, there just has to be one H-A in Centerville with a six and a half head size who needs a hat.
What's the next number?
Elm 669.
Number, please.
Elm 669.
How'd you make out on Mr. Allcorn, him?
Boy, he was the biggest sore head I ever heard of.
Yeah, eight and a half.
But I've got a feeling this is my lucky customer coming up.
Gee, Hen, I sure hope so.
Hello?
Hello, may I speak to H. Andrews, please?
Well, this is Hildegard Andrews.
Hildegard?
Yes, who's this?
Well, gee, gee, I don't think you'd be interested.
Well, I might be. Come on, who is it?
Well, no, no, no, I'm sure you wouldn't be. Goodbye.
Homer, we're just not getting any place.
Hey, Henry, I just got a swell idea. Why don't you fill in the police department?
The police?
Sure. After all, they keep fingerprints. Maybe they keep head sizes, too.
Homer, you're crazy.
Henry!
Oh, boy.
Henry, haven't you left yet?
Last mother? For where?
Dear, didn't we decide you were to take your hat down to the Emporium and get your money back?
Well, I'll tell you, Mother, I did go down, see?
Oh, you did? Fine.
Sure, and I had a long talk with the clerk, see?
Oh, and he gave you your three dollars back?
Why, not exactly.
You mean he gave you credit?
Credit?
That's just as good, Henry. You and I will go down later this afternoon and pick out another hat for you.
Mother, wait, you don't understand.
Yes, I do understand how you feel, but until you're a few years older, you need help in selecting your clothes.
Well, Mother, if you don't let me explain...
Let's not talk about it now, dear. I have to start lunch.
Gee, whiz, Homer, my mother thinks I returned the hat.
Why didn't you set her straight?
I tried to, Homer. What's she going to do when she finds out I've hidden it up in my room?
Boy, you're in a spot, Henry.
Wait a minute.
Who are you going to phone?
The Centerville Times. I've got the whole thing figured out.
Help me, please.
L-909.
Who's that for times?
Tim.
Mary's boyfriend, Kermit, and he always said if there's anything he can do for me, he'd be glad to do it.
Yeah?
Sure, and I know he'll be just crazy about my hat, even if his initials are in H.A.
Centerville Times, Editor Blankstein.
I'd like to speak to one of your reporters, please, Kermit Hannigan.
Hannigan isn't there, sorry.
He isn't? Oh, just a minute. Homer, he isn't there.
He isn't? Well, why not leave a message?
Sure. Hello?
Yes?
Look, could I leave a message, please? A very important message.
Who is this?
Why, you wouldn't know me, but I'm a member of the general public who reads your paper, and I'm trying to locate somebody with the initials H.A.
You mean he's lost?
Lost?
No, gee whiz, I just have to find him.
Why not call the police department?
The police? Would they fool around with a thing like this?
I told you, Henry.
Well, that all depends. What's this fellow done?
Who? The fellow that wouldn't give me my money back?
He wouldn't? Well, how much was involved?
Well, gee, every cent I had.
Is that so? All right, let's have all the information. Initials H.A.?
Sure, with a six and a half head size.
How are they going to help you, Henry?
Homer, will you please be the... Hello?
Hello?
Okay, Henry, I can take a hint. Mrs. Aldridge?
The important thing is he has to light storehouse.
Are you in the living room, Mrs. Aldridge?
Yes, Homer. Mr. Aldridge and I happen to be having a private discussion.
Well, did I hear you say it was almost lunchtime?
Not quite, Homer. You have plenty of time to get home.
Yes, dear.
Well, are you sure I can't help you in any way, Mrs. Aldridge? Set the table or anything?
No, thank you.
Oh. Well, I guess I'll be running along then.
Goodbye, Homer.
Where were we, Alice?
I was saying, Sam, that you should take a lesson from what happened this morning and put your foot down.
That was unfortunate, Alice, but I still maintain we should give Henry one more chance to choose his own hat.
Sure, I agree with Mr. Aldridge.
Homer, I thought you'd gone home.
Alice, try to look at this whole thing from a boy's viewpoint. I was a boy once myself.
Sure, so was I.
If you lead him down to the emporium by the hand, you'll destroy every shred of his self-respect.
Dear, I don't intend to take his hand.
Psychologically, you'd be taking his hand.
Sam, the important thing is Henry has to have a new hat. And since he isn't capable of choosing one himself, then someone has to do it for him.
But, Mrs. Aldridge...
Homer, will you please go home?
Sam, listen to me. Someone has to help Henry.
Farewell, Alice. Have it your own way.
Oh, I'm glad you're being reasonable, Sam. And when you get down there...
Down where?
To the emporium with Henry.
Alice, I'm not going with him.
Yes, you are, Sam. I've changed my mind. You're a man. You are definitely the one to help Henry select a new hat.
Now, wait a minute, Alice.
I think so, too.
Homer, will you please go home?
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And now, getting back to the troubles of Henry Aldridge.
Having been told by his parents that he could choose his new hat himself, Henry came home this morning proudly exhibiting a genuine West Indian straw.
And then, ordered to return the hat immediately, he ran into difficulties.
Now, Henry is searching for someone to whom he can sell the hat.
The scene opens in the Santaville Police Station. It is that afternoon.
But, Sergeant, what's this fellow done?
I don't know what he's done. All I've found out is the Centerville Times is on his trail and they'd sure like a chance to show us up.
You're right.
Now, here's all I know about him. His initials are H.A. and his head size is six and a half.
His head size? That's a new one.
From what I can gather, the main clue is a straw hat. Now, if you find that, we'll be on the right track.
Okay, I'll start checking hats, doors, and cleaners.
And if you run into anyone from the newspapers, don't let on. We don't know anything, but try to find out who it is we're looking for.
Mary, please.
Henry, let's go. I have to get ready for the beauty parlor.
Mary, listen. If you had a brother and he was going to die any minute now, wouldn't you make a move to help him?
Of course I would.
Well, okay. I've got to have three dollars.
Mary, do you think I'm made of money?
But don't you realize Mother thinks I've got a credit of three dollars at the emporium and I haven't.
And don't you realize that Kermit is coming here for dinner tonight and I'm a sight?
Look, Mary, why waste your money in beauty parlors?
What?
If you're going to marry Kermit someday, don't you think the only fair thing to do is let him see you in your natural condition?
Henry Aldrich!
Mary, wait before you get mad. When is Kermit's birthday?
In June. Why?
Now, do you like to buy him a swell present? It's worth $14.50 and you can have it for three dollars.
No.
$2.95.
No. And goodbye. I have to fix my hair.
You mean you're not going to the beauty parlor?
Of course I am, but I can't go there looking like this.
Okay, Mary. Just wait until you want me to be best man at your wedding.
Henry!
Mother, are you sure there hasn't been a phone call for me?
No, dear.
Oh gee whiz, a reporter that won't even answer a phone call.
Mary, I have to run over to your Aunt Harriet first, but I want you to meet me down at the Emporium in 45 minutes.
At the Emporium?
Yes. It seems your father has suddenly disappeared.
Well, look, Mother, don't you think a new hat is just a waste of money?
Certainly not.
But gee, you know how I always lose everything, especially a hat. Why, I won't have it a half an hour.
Now, hey, Mary.
Gee whiz, Mother, I'd lose my head if it wasn't fastened on.
Now, dear, you really need a hat and you have a credit of three dollars down at the Emporium.
Mother, listen, there's something I've got to tell you.
Tell me down at the Emporium in 45 minutes.
But it'll be too late then.
What, Homer?
Excuse me, Mrs. Aldrich, did I knock you over?
Not quite. And please don't be late, Henry.
Hey, Henry, where's your hat?
It's hidden up in my room.
Listen, I found this pilot, see, who wants a straw hat.
He does?
Sure. He flies planes from Miami to Chicago and he wants a straw to wear while he's in Miami.
Homer, you don't mean it.
Sure, and his head size is six and a half and he doesn't care a darn about the initials.
Oh, boy, Homer, let me shake your hand.
Sure, shake.
Shake. Ouch.
Oh, I'm sorry, Homer. It's just that I'm so graceful.
Well, stop twisting my arm and I'll give you his address.
Sure, and then let's go upstairs and get the hat.
You know what happened to me on the way over?
What?
A cop stopped me on the street and asked me my initials.
He did?
Sure, and when I told him H.B., he said I was just one letter out.
It's funny. Do you suppose I nearly won a prize of some kind?
I'll answer the phone, Henry.
Okay, Mary, only if it's Kermit. Tell him he's missed his chance.
Hello?
Hello, Mary, dear.
My Kermit. How are you, Kermit?
Fine. As a matter of fact, Mary, I'm on top of the world.
You are?
I just wanted to prepare you. By the time I come over for dinner tonight, I might be out of the pictuaries.
Really? My goodness, what's happening?
Well, I haven't time to explain, Mary, but I'm working on a big story. I'm going to scoop the police department.
No.
Yes? So, it won't be long now, Mary, before you and I can talk over a breakfast table instead of a telephone.
Oh, my. Oh, my goodness.
Well, I've got to be getting along. Do you call, Mary?
Of course. Goodbye, Kermit, and good luck.
Mary!
Yes, Henry?
Listen, Mary, I give you my word. I didn't mean it.
You didn't mean what?
Anything. Anything I've ever said to you, except when I paid your compliment.
Henry, get to the point.
That's what I said.
Mary, whatever I've done to you, let's both be good sports and give me back my hat.
What hat?
My West Indian straw that was up in my room.
I haven't been anywhere near you.
Mary, I haven't time to joke. Now, hand it over.
But, Henry, I haven't got it.
Listen, Mary, I'll have Father sue you.
Go ahead. I'll sue you for false arrest.
Henry, I don't think she's got it.
But somebody's got it. I can't have lost it.
Why not? You'd lose your head if it wasn't fastened on.
Oh, boy. Homer, get out of my way. Maybe I put it in here.
Henry, are you going to throw everything out of your hall closet?
Hey, cut it out. You nearly hit me with that coat hanger.
Henry, put down that rubber bow.
Yes, sir, we clean and block hats.
But what I want to know is, do you stretch them?
Why, sure.
Well, you see, this straw hat, it's a six and a half. It belongs to my son.
And if it's possible, I'd like it stretched so it would fit me.
Well, may I see the hat, please?
Yes, certainly.
Oh, it's a very fine hat.
Yes, genuine West Indian straw.
My, my, your son has good taste. You think so?
To tell you the truth, I agree with you.
I'm surprised he'd want to part with it.
Well, he isn't anxious to, but his mother, so that is.
I understand what you mean. I'm a married man myself.
It isn't that mothers mean to be unreasonable. It's just that through no fault of their own, they're, well, they're women.
That's quite true.
So I'd like to help my son out and buy this hat from him.
Initials A.J., huh? Now, do you think you could stretch it?
I'm pretty sure I can, sir. It'll only take about ten minutes.
Good, that's fine.
Just make yourself comfortable while I step into the back room. And don't go away.
Hello?
Hello, is that you, Mary?
Yes, Mother, I just got back from the beauty parlor. Where are you?
Down at the Emporium. I've been waiting for nearly two hours. Have you any idea where Henry is?
He isn't here. And Mother, do you realize it's almost dinner time and Kermit will be here any minute?
Oh, my goodness, I've forgotten. Mary, you'd better start peeling potatoes and let your father entertain Kermit.
But Father isn't here either.
He isn't. Well, dear, I'll get a taxi and be home in five minutes.
All right, Mother, goodbye.
Goodbye, dear.
Father, where did you come from?
Good evening, Mary.
My goodness, that straw hat you have. That's Henry.
Mary, I don't want to hear this hat mentioned again in this house. Do you understand?
Father, you look upset. Is anything wrong?
Mary, let me ask you something. Do I look to you like a common criminal?
Of course not, Father. You don't look the least bit common.
Mary, I've just come from the police station.
The police station? What did you go down there for?
I was taken down there in a police car.
You were, Father?
I was arrested.
Really, Father? Really? And truly?
One minute I was sitting quietly in the cleaners thumbing through the hats by his monthly.
And the next minute I was sitting under a bright light answering questions.
It seems the cleaner telephoned some eager Beaver newspaper reporter and he sent the police down.
But why did they arrest you?
How should I know? They didn't even know themselves.
Excuse me, Father, I've got a phone Kermit. My goodness, when a prominent lawyer gets arrested, that's news.
Mary, put down that phone.
But Father.
Put it down. Do you really mean you'd sell your own father down the river just to get Kermit out of obituaries?
But Father, our whole future is involved.
So is mine.
Yours, Father?
Age it as I am, Mary. I have a few good years left.
Please answer the phone.
Hello?
Hello, Mary. This is Kermit.
Oh my goodness, you did it. Hello, Kermit.
Mary, I'm afraid I won't be able to come up for dinner tonight after all.
You won't? Why not?
I'd rather not go into details, Mary, but a case I was working on more or less blew up right in my face.
Oh, Kermit, that's a shame.
Yeah, oh well.
Never mind, Kermit. I've got a scoop for you. Only you have to promise not to print it.
What is it?
Guess what happened to my father.
Mary, I really have to go now.
I meant aren't you interested? He was arrested.
Oh, arrested? Well, I'm certainly surprised. Arrested? Why, that's terrible. Well, goodbye, Mary.
You're hanging up right in the middle of our conversation. And Kermit, why can't you come to dinner tonight?
I've got to cover an obituary.
Hello, everybody. I'm home.
Welcome, Mary. Could you meet me on the corner?
From the corner?
Mary, I'm... gee whiz, here it is, my sly.
Wait a minute, Kermit. Henry Aldrich, what on earth have you got on your head?
What does it look like, Mary? Mother!
Hello, Kermit, listen.
Mother, are you in the living room?
No, Henry, she isn't home yet.
She isn't? Oh, boy. Once she gets here, Father, will you help me explain how I got tied up?
Hey, wait a minute, Henry. What's that thing on your head?
An aviator's helmet, Father.
Well, yes, but...
See, it has ear flaps and everything. Don't you think it's the most practical type hat for me?
Where did you get it?
From a pilot friend of Homer's. He sort of traded it to me on trust, see?
And now that I've found my straw hat, all I have to do is take it over to him.
Henry, about that straw hat...
Boy, am I lucky he takes six and a half.
Yes, well, the hat is now size seven and a half.
What? Well, how can that be?
Never mind, it is. You just have to return that helmet to your pilot.
Return? Oh, no, Father.
Henry, let me have a look at you.
You, Mary!
In the living room, Alice.
Oh, boy.
Listen, Mother, I can explain everything.
Henry, you can explain later. First, I have something to show you all.
What is it, Mother?
Well, while I was waiting for Henry down at the Emporium, I bought...
Here I am, everybody. How do you like me?
Mother!
Alice!
Mother, gee whiz, what is it?
Why, dear, it's a hat.
A hat?
I don't believe it.
Mother, a brace of pheasants? Certainly, Mary.
Alice, you will march down to the Emporium first thing in the morning and return that...that hat, Father.
Return it? But, Sam!
Say, Henry.
What, Homer?
At dinner tomorrow night, do you suppose we should tell your mother I'm on a very special diet?
Gee whiz, you are?
Sure, because I'm anemic.
You are?
Gee, Homer, that's tough.
Sure. To build up my strength, I have to have second helpings of everything.
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And while you're about it, better get three packages so you'll have plenty for the weekend.
That's Jell-O Tapioca Pudding.
Here's hoping you'll be in your living room in ours next week at the same time.
Good night, folks.
And this is Dan Seymour in New York saying the Aldridge family is brought to you by the Jell-O family.
For desserts that are delicious, boy, believe me, you should know.
They are made by famous J-E-L-L-O.
Listen again next Thursday, same time, same station, for another sparkling half hour with the Aldridge family.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
Thank you.