I could have quit.
So that's how you got this day off.
I thought it seemed mighty funny.
Yeah.
And just how did you come to make this day with me?
Did you think I'd put the bill?
Honey, you paid last time.
Do you think I'd let you pay again?
Well, guess not.
Guess again. I mean, uh...
...
Let's just do something else. Something inexpensive fun.
Like what?
Well, uh, like sitting around your kitchen here,
having some laughs and some...
...
...eats.
That's fun, huh?
Sitting around this kitchen where I work all week long.
Well, uh...
And eating.
Bill Brown, you think more of your summers than you do of me.
Well, I've known it longer.
Well, uh...
Bill, listen.
I'm through with you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, yes.
I'm gonna find a fellow that takes me out once in a while.
No, honey. Don't be hasty.
Well, I'm gonna take you out real soon.
When?
Well, uh, payday.
But you're not working.
Uh, you are.
...
That does it.
Listen, get out of my life and make room for a new man.
Honey, shouldn't I stick around just in case?
Case of what?
Case you don't get one.
Don't worry, I will.
And better than you.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So?
So.
How?
What?
I said how.
Oh, Bill, get out of here.
Go on, for a reason.
I want you to help me with the stow-in test.
Get out of my face.
Honey, please, come back to me.
I'll go on. I'll go.
...
How do you like that fellow?
How can I get a man?
How does any girl get a man?
Well, Bill, how do you?
...
Back with fuel in a moment, but right now here's Berns Buck and the orchestra with By the River St. Marie.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I understand, Bueller, that you and Bill have another affair.
Oh, it's worse than that, Miss Ann-Alys.
We had a pair of spats.
Oh, for the life of me, I don't know what to do about that mess.
Well, I'm sure you care for him, Bueller, because every time he's around, you get that certain light in your eyes.
Yeah, I know.
But after he's been around for a while, things start tilting and the light goes out.
Sometimes I think I might be better off without him.
Well, Bueller, just remember before you take any drastic action that when you're in love, you have to pay the price.
I'll be in the front room.
When you're in love, you have to pay the price.
I don't mind paying the price, but even in love, there ought to be a ceiling.
It sounds like it's so mixed up.
Hey, Bueller.
Yes, Mr. Harry.
Ann-Alys tells me that you and Bill are having difficulties.
Yes, sir.
Well, have you ever thought of making him jealous?
Uh, jealous, sir?
Sure, get yourself another boyfriend.
Another boyfriend?
Yeah.
I can't support the one I got now.
Well, Bueller, you don't have to be serious about this other gentleman.
I've just talked with him a few times and it might make Bill come to his senses.
Doesn't that sound like common sense?
It not only sounds like common sense, it sounds like fun.
Well, haven't you a gentleman friend that you could call in this emergency?
Well, let me see.
There's a fenderman that does odd jobs like window washing and babysitting.
And for my sake, he might branch out into the giggle-o-field.
He runs a little business firm called Leave It to Me, Jack.
Well, there's your answer.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Ah!
Have a seat, dear Bueller, have a seat.
Well, thank you, Mr. Jack.
Be right with you.
Ran into a little difficulty last night with my babysitting job.
People got mad because I sent the baby on this photograph.
On the photograph?
Yeah, it's got an automatic changer.
I guess you do have your problems with them little babies.
Yeah, but I sure do get them to eat their paddlin'.
How do you do that?
Oh, I take the spoonful of paddlin' first, then I give them a spoonful, then I take another spoonful.
It really works, huh?
Works.
Last month I gained 12 pounds.
Sit up, dear Bueller, did you want to see me about babysitting?
Yes, I guess you could call it that in a way.
Of course, this baby I want you to sit with is a little bigger than the babies you used to.
Oh, now don't you worry about that, because I can handle it.
Wait till you see me throw her over my shoulder and burp her.
Wanna bet?
What would that be?
The baby I want you to sit with is me.
You? Now they're showing up in king size.
I want you to be my temporary boyfriend, Mr. Jack, and make my real boyfriend Bill Brown jealous.
How about it?
Yeah, I think I can manage it. That is, if you pay your rights.
Well, how much is it going to cost?
Let me look up my rates, dear, just a minute, let me see.
Now getting back to business, there's three of us mixed up in a deal like this.
I ought to have it listed on the triangle.
Let me see here, the triangle, sir.
The only thing I got on the triangle is babysitting.
I'm not going to say.
Well, I got three rates.
First rate is $10.
There for $10 I become a very audant suitor, plenty of attention.
Well, that's a little high, but the idea ain't bad.
Then for $7.50 I give you the MW treatment.
MW doesn't?
Yeah, that's mildly warm.
And believe me, it ain't bad at that price.
Then for $5, the cheapest price, I let you have the LWAM treatment, but that's not so good.
LWAM treatment?
Like we are married treatment.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty indifferent.
We ride in buses and I let you stand up and I sit down.
Don't ever help your honor off with your coat.
When we go to the movies, I have to usher for two singles, Steve.
All in all, the public pay for a married couple.
Wait a minute, I thought I heard a laugh.
I know it must have been next door.
I think you'd better give me that $7.50 treatment, mildly warm.
Yes ma'am, that would be $7.50 in advance.
Let's see now, five, six, seven, and a half.
Thank you.
Now the least I can do is buy him the contract with a big hug and a kiss.
Hold it a minute, Jack.
The only time you're going to kiss me is for Bill's benefit.
Listen, David, any time I kiss you, Bill ain't going to be the one to benefit.
My, this man sure throws everything he's got into his work, don't he?
When is our first date?
Tomorrow night, Landy Pie.
Landy Pie?
Sure, that's all included with the $7.50.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night, my cut-rate boyfriend.
Yes, daddy's there.
$7.50, the work is nice and the hours are right.
This is what I call paper sitting on a large scale.
Come in.
How are you, Jack?
Well, Bill, I just been thinking, don't you, boy?
Yeah, I got me a problem, Jack, and seeing you the handyman in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd come to you.
Handyman is right, Bill, and the more money involved, the handier I get.
Well, this case involves a girl.
Can you handle it?
Good-looking gal.
Oh, very, I can handle it.
Maybe you know her, her name is Eula.
Uh-oh.
Anything wrong?
I just dropped the case.
But all I want you to do is...
I'm sorry.
Pretend to make love to a temporary...
No, I...
What was that?
I said I'd say to pretend to make love to her.
The case done just then reopened.
Proceed.
Well, I thought I might put her to the test and see if she's ready to go.
I put her to the test and see how I'll stand with her.
I had an idea there to make a play for her.
Just pretending, of course.
I can find out if she would cast me aside for somebody else.
In other words, you would be the middleman.
Yeah, way in the middle and loving every minute of it.
Now, how much would you charge for me to go through with this?
Oh, I think $1,750 would be a fair price.
Oh, that's a little steep for me.
Sorry, that's just average fees.
Okay, I guess I'll have to give you my rent money.
Here you are.
This sent you the deal.
Thank you, Lambie Pie.
Lambie Pie?
Sorry, wrong deal.
Oh, I love these carrying zones.
And now here's our lovely redheaded singing star Penny Piper to sing...
Shababa, Shababa.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, In Jalawa, Cuscalo, Goomba.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, My Bambino, go to sleep.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, In Jalawa, Cuscalo, Goomba.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, My Bambino, go to sleep.
All the stars are in the sky, ready to say good night.
Can't you see your darling's sleepy tune?
Close your drowsy little eyes, mama will hold you tight,
while she sings a lullaby to you.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, In Jalawa, Cuscalo, Goomba.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, My Bambino, go to sleep.
We're ready to say good night.
Can't you see your darling's sleepy?
Mama will hold you tight, while she sings a lullaby.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, In Jalawa, Cuscalo, Goomba.
Shababa, Shababa, Chihuahua, My Bambino, go to sleep.
My Bambino, won't you go to sleep?
Well, it shouldn't be long before that commercial boy Finneamon shows up.
Let's take inventory here in the mirror, Bula.
See how you look.
Mmm, mighty sharp, I guess.
That hairdo is really doing it.
That must be my rental Romeo now.
Come in.
Good evening, Lambie Pie.
Hello, Jack.
Now, you look beautiful this evening.
A vision of loveliness.
This is the best 7-50 I ever invested.
I pray it do go on.
Just stand where you are, my love.
I want to remember this moment always.
This sounds good even when you know you're paying for it.
I've heard that you were dining in a small cafe with candlelights and wine.
You think we should?
Sure, if you think you can afford it.
Well, that part of the day ain't no different than when I go out with Bill.
Well, I tell you, Mr. Jack, I told Bill I'd meet him in the park.
But of course, he don't know you're going to be with me, so he's going to be in for the surprise of his life.
Oui, oui, mademoiselle.
What kind of talk is that?
The 7-50 calls for the Charles Baillet treatment.
I see.
Well, I'm turning your lower lip and let's get going.
["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
Make a play for us.
Well, I just wound up this way and, uh-oh, daddy's sitting on the bench.
I just strolled on by him, but then I don't notice him.
Bill, Bill, I'm over here.
Oh, hi, Bill. How you been?
Bill, don't you notice anything?
Oh, yeah, you got a new hat.
I know, Bill. Look at this gentleman sitting next to me.
He's got his arm around me.
Oh, he has. Do you know him?
Know him? Of course I know him. I met him yesterday.
You met him yesterday?
That's right.
Slow worker, ain't he?
Bill, can't you see? He's got his arm around me.
Well, what's the matter with his other arm? Is it lame?
Oh, Bill.
My, you beautiful, nice, lamby pie.
Oh, thank you, Jack. You're not so bad yourself.
I would talk to this other lamby pie.
Come here, I thought you'd. Let me hold you close, honey.
Bill, look what the man's doing now.
Yeah, got my technique, ain't he?
Bill, ain't you gonna do anything?
Sure, gonna treat notes.
You little darling, will you marry me?
Did you hear that, Bill?
Yeah, he's quite a conversation to this, ain't he?
Bill, he just asked me to marry him.
Well, just don't sit there and answer the man.
Bill, how can you talk that way?
Allow me to kiss you, madam.
Hold on, Jack, don't overdo it.
Well, just one little kiss, nice going, Jack. Let her have it.
Bill, the man's gonna kiss me. Don't that make you jealous?
Not at all, baby. He don't appeal to me.
Talk her up, Sheila.
Jack, don't you dare.
I can't help myself. You're so enchanting, so lovely.
Here goes.
Oh, got a boy. Got a boy, Jack. Oh, you sure can.
That's enough, Jack. Hold it.
Break it up, Jack. Wait a minute. Cut.
Now that's good, Jack. Now you can stop.
Jack, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Oh, gee, Bill. I'm so happy now that we're back together again.
Same here, baby. And the thing is, you paid Jack seventy-five to make love to you,
and I paid him another seventy-five to help it along.
And you paid him how much? I didn't give him but seven-fifty.
How much did you give that man?
Oh, that's right. Seven-fifty. That's right.
Well, anyway, it worked out that we both passed the test.
Yeah, but for a minute there I thought you was gonna flunk that last examination.
Speaking of that test, Bill, would you like to start passing your final exam?
Sure would, baby. There you are.
Bill, that kiss was just a peck on the cheek. Didn't you see how Jack did it?
Yeah, but don't forget it, honey. He was getting paid for it.
Oh, you, you.
Oh, honey, I was just kidding. Come over here, baby.
Oh, yes, Bill.
Now tilt your head back.
Like this?
Uh-huh. Now close your eyes.
Uh-huh.
Now say, dude-poo.
Dude-poo.
Bill, what's the matter? You didn't do anything.
I know, baby. I just remembered I don't like dude-poo.
Oh, doggone. Come in.
Oh, it's you, Jack.
Hi, Lanny Pie. Look at the bunch of flowers I bought you.
Jack, get out of there with those flowers. Our deal is over.
Yeah, Jack. We had our fun, pretendin'.
But I come back to tell you something, Julie.
What was that?
I wasn't pretendin'. Come here, Lanny Pie.
Bill, did you hear that? He wasn't pretendin'.
Yeah, and right now neither am I. Get out of here, you big bum, before I knock you so fast you need open-toed shoes. Where you going?
Hold on here, Bill. I'll do the orderin' out of around here.
Well, ain't you gonna start orderin'?
I don't think so.
Now.
Baby, what is this? Ain't I your best boyfriend?
Mmm.
The big boy, she wants me. I'll bring her flowers.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'll bring her candy.
Mmm.
Yeah, I'll bring her flowers and candy.
Mmm.
Bueller, baby, you gonna welcome this end-of-the-opening?
Well, uh...
Honey, what is the score?
I don't know what the score is, Bill, but, my, it's an interesting game. Play on, boys.
You have been listening to the Bueller Show.
Present us this time each week over most of these ABC stations by the American Broadcasting Company.
Listen in again next week for another half hour of Bueller. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.