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The Colgate Comedy Hour!
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Starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis!
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Presented by the Colgate Palm Olive Pea Company,
makers of Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay!
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And palm olive soap for a lovelier complexion in 14 days!
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And now, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Show!
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Good afternoon, everybody!
I want to thank you all so very much!
And I do hope you'll have a wonderful time here at our reception.
And another thing, I have a very exciting surprise for you!
My old school sweetheart, Dean Martin, you know, the one that's a big movie star now?
He's coming here today, and he's bringing with him his little friend, Jerry Lewis!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Oh, Jerry!
Well, hello, Mrs. Geneva!
You look so pretty!
It's nice to see you!
Well, good...
Are you happy?
Married and everything?
That's nice!
I want you to meet, uh, my little boy here.
My partner, Jerry Lewis.
Hello, Jerry!
How are you?
Too happy!
It's a nice place you have here.
Very nice, very nice.
We don't have anything like this in Hollywood!
Ha ha ha, I make pictures, you see.
Ha ha ha ha!
I do hope you'll make yourself at home and enjoy yourself!
This is, uh, she marries Mike Zest over here.
Mike Zest, that's very nice.
You should be very happy with this very lovely girl.
You know, I happen to do a wedding in some time
and you feel kind of strange, you don't know how to act.
Especially with the new bride.
Oh, hold it, you're crazy, we're going to have a toast to the bride.
Hey, what are you doing to my wife?
I just married this girl.
Get out of the way.
I made pictures, I don't need any of your pictures.
You did it again.
I'm meeting him.
Jerry!
You'll be all right.
I didn't make up with him.
You just did that so I could hug you and make up with you.
I'm not going to make up with you, Shirley.
Every time I keep on doing this.
You see what you just did to Geneva?
But you don't understand, Ella.
I don't understand what?
What I don't understand?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What I don't understand?
I went to the party, so I lost my head for a second.
Give the chance to kids.
I'm not getting married.
I never heard such a thing.
All right, I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.
I'm entitled.
I'm young.
I'm entitled, I'm young.
Why do you end everything up in the air for?
I'm entitled to talk the way I want.
I don't plan it, it comes out that way.
What do you want?
All the time.
You're through with the worst at the end of the day.
You're through with the worst.
I'm not going to get married.
I'm not going to get married.
I'm not going to get married.
All the time, you're through with the worst at the end of the sentence.
There's a period there.
You don't need this anymore.
You would say, I'm going to the corner.
Nothing.
I'm going to the corner.
Who talks like this?
I don't want to know who talks like this.
You leave me alone.
I got things to do on the go.
Introduce myself.
Don't you step in front of me, Ethel.
You know what to say.
And that's why I try to stay out here by myself for, eh, James?
Later.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
See, we really kid around.
Oh.
You see, we really kid around.
We don't do none of this for real.
But if we was to walk out like partners and say, well, we're so happy to be here.
Aren't we, Dean?
He says, ha, ha, ha.
Of course, ain't ya?
I say, ha, ha.
There's nothing interesting about that, but when you're yelling, you're screaming, and
you're yelling, and you're yelling.
And people say, isn't that puny?
No.
I got to move over here.
I can't stand over here where I was.
The kid with the earphone, he goes, oh, oh.
I'll have you know I know what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the earphone.
I got to move over here.
I can't stand over here where I was.
The kid with the earphone, he goes, oh, oh.
I'll have you know I know Mr. Colgate personally.
Anyhow, I would like to introduce my partner's first number.
This is a very beautiful tune.
And he's going to play this song, and it's from our new picture at War with the Army,
currently playing at many theaters.
Oh, the money.
He's coming out here.
We know you enjoy the song.
It's just a tune.
It's just about the nicest thing I've ever heard.
I was telling Sylvia last Sunday, I'm sorry, and I want to write that for Dean Martin's
I love you, tonda wonder whoy, conica lies.
And wouldn't you rather say, I love you, tonda wonder hoy, conica lies.
It's easy to say, kiss me dear, tonda wonder hoy, conica lies.
And wouldn't you rather say, kiss me dear, than tonda wonder hoy, conica lies.
To quote a famous Yale professor, osculation is a sensation that is nice.
If you should have a Harvard lawyer, well he'll charge you twenty dollars, and he'll
give you this advice.
It's easier to say, I love you, than tonda wonder hoy, conica lies.
Or wouldn't you rather say, I love you, than tonda wonder hoy, tonda wonder hoy, tonda
wonder hoy, conica lies.
To quote a famous Yale professor, osculation is a sensation that is nice.
If you should have a Harvard lawyer, he'll give you twenty dollars, and he'll give you
this advice.
It's easier to say, well I love you, than tonda wonder hoy, conica lies.
Or wouldn't you rather say, I love you, than tonda wonder hoy, tonda wonder hoy, tonda
wonder hoy, conica lies.
Ladies, in a very few words I'd like to say that you want a beauty soap for a beauty bath,
and you couldn't buy a finer beauty soap than palm olive.
Look, here's what I mean.
Sis, I want to take a beauty bath just like you do.
Alright sweetie, here's my bath-sized palm olive.
Yes, you want a beauty soap for a beauty bath, and your bath becomes a beauty bath when you
change to proper cleansing with palm olive soap.
Nothing could be finer in your bath to cleanse, refresh, relax you.
So to enjoy a bath that's truly a beauty bath, always use big, generous bath-sized palm olive
soap.
You want a beauty soap for a beauty bath, you want a beauty soap for a beauty bath,
you want palm olive soap for a beauty bath, you want palm olive soap for your beauty bath.
You'll love its fragrance for daintyness, you'll love its mildness for loveliness, you'll
want its purity for gentleness, you'll love palm olive bath-sized for grittiness.
Sis, did you see the palm olive pixies?
The what, dear?
Look!
You want a beauty soap for a beauty bath...
Well, I don't see anything there but my bath-sized palm olive.
You want palm olive soap for a beauty bath, you want palm olive soap for your beauty bath,
yes you want palm olive soap for your beauty bath.
Well, here we are in the drive-in theater, honey.
Gee, isn't it exciting?
You know, honey, this is the first time we've ever been in one of these outdoor movies.
Oh, we're going to love this.
We don't have to fight for seats, no crowding.
You know, just sit back, relax, enjoy the pictures.
Oh, it's wonderful.
I wonder where the attendant is.
Hey, hey!
Hey there!
Here, here, here he is!
What's with the blowing of the horn, buddy?
What's with the blowing of the horn?
Well, I want to see the pictures.
Oh, you don't blow the horn, do you?
You don't blow the horn, do you?
You don't have to tell me things twice.
I didn't pay twice.
All right, don't blow the horn, all right?
Don't blow the horn.
People trying to see the movie.
What's on your mind?
Nothing, I just wanted to buy a couple of tickets. I want to see the pictures.
All right, how many are you?
Twelve!
How many does it look like?
There's two here, me and my girl.
How many are there?
You're one.
I'm one.
That's two.
This kid is a mister.
Two is right!
Okay, that'll be two dollars, please.
Two dollars.
Cash?
What do you want to give me, Confederate money?
You forgot the tag.
I hope you'll enjoy the movie tonight.
You'd like the whole world to see the movie.
You sit under the stars and everything.
I bet you didn't believe it was just me and my girl here, huh?
No, well, I got to check these things.
I'm only working here to see if people don't sneak in.
This is your girl, huh?
Yep.
Hey!
Yes, sir, boy!
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
Wah!
I came with her.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I was just trying to be friendly, you know, to let people have a good time.
I'm here to see the picture.
See the picture.
Here's your speaker.
And with this speaker, you hear everything that goes on in the movie.
There you are.
Okay.
Okay?
Solid.
Fine.
Well, enjoy yourself.
All right.
Hey, hey!
Come here.
This won't upset you or anything?
What?
This won't upset you, what I'm going to tell you?
I don't know what you're going to tell me.
Would you point me out the screen?
Screen?
Yeah, the screen.
We had one before.
Point it out to me!
Wah!
Ah!
Oh, you see?
Huh?
That ain't it.
There it is!
There it is!
It's about two miles straight ahead.
You can't miss it.
Two miles.
Give me a cab.
You'll see a good picture there.
Go look at the picture.
Okay.
Wow.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
Hey!
It hurts, but it didn't break.
I was so slow.
All right, they're going away.
They're going away.
They're going away.
I think one got away.
Uh-huh.
You got him?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Jegyet!
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Four.
Uh-huh.
Four.
Don't stay.
You'll get hurt.
Don't wait.
Four!
Jegyet!
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Jegyet!
Jegyet!
Shake hands.
Uh-huh.
Ah!
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
All right.
See the clock is ticking!
He has murdered my poor sister Mary!
Easy miss, we'll get to the bottom of this.
Oh thank you Inspector!
Alright, just follow me.
And don't come upstairs with me!
I'll take you to the room of this house of ours!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Down on section A.
Careful, here, here, here, be careful!
Hey!
Down on section A.
Hey! What is it? The Holland coming up?
Alright, you miss a terrific mystery?
Keep your eye on the butler!
Get out of here!
Watch out Inspector!
Alright Shelby, drop that gun!
Is he dead Inspector?
Nearly alright.
Now the rest of you sit quietly.
I'm going to show you exactly how Mary Worth was murdered.
Take a good look at these diagrams.
Take your water and oil and your food and your clothes!
Did you figure out who done it?
I don't even know who's in it!
Get out of here!
Stand back Cynthia!
Well, Coluche, you ready to talk now?
I guess you got me Inspector.
How come to me? I killed the gun!
I know that Coluche, but I don't understand how you smuggled the body out of the locked room.
It was a cinch!
When I heard you coming up the stairs I ducked into the secret passage!
Get your car and car restaurant going here!
What do you want? I want to see the end of this picture here!
Well, I was just thought I'd show you a few things.
We have popsicles, bunchicles, olive oil, chocolate, carbons, peanuts, ganache, seltzer.
I don't want to! I want to see who murdered this guy here!
Alright, I'm sorry, alright, I'm sorry.
And that's how I got the body out of the lock room!
I don't know who did it now! What's the matter with you?
What do you want? I'll tell you. I've told it for you 37 times.
I'll tell you what happened. You see?
What happened?
I got the body out of the cellar.
It's a toy.
And she was so young!
Get out of here!
It was so sweet of you to take me down to an infested.
I had to see you alone, Cynthia.
I've wanted you ever since that first morning when we met.
It was such a lovely night.
But I can't seem to get all those terrible murders out of my mind.
Not another word, Cynthia. Tonight belongs to us.
Fine.
Alright, break it up, Captain Robert.
Break it up!
What's going on? What's going on here? What's going...
I'm hugging my girl. I'm entitled.
You're here to see a picture, buddy. Here to see a picture.
We know the feelings of a gentleman.
You certainly can't base the fact on someone who certainly can't conceive the idea
that they're down at one stall, they never benefit by it.
A little grander, there are other people who know.
But there's certainly no uncertainty to the fact that if you blame anyone else,
you're certainly not determined to anyone's opinion.
Oh, I've traveled far and wide, and I've known the fact of every man.
But still in all, if you know truly that your heart don't know,
you certainly can assure the next one. Can you?
You sure you don't know that bottle?
I've never saw him before in my life. I think he's crazy.
Now, come on, let's go home.
Oh, please, let me stay a little longer. I want to see how the picture ends.
Okay.
Get in the way, Regan. Follow that car.
Call the picture!
Come on, little sweetie.
I'll stop you! I'll stop you!
You know what? I told you before, you're not supposed to go on any private movies.
That's because I made the screeners off.
You keep your hands off me, I don't even know what you mean.
Oh, all right. Thanks, buddy.
I'm not doing nothing. If the screen is off and there's no picture, just tell me about it.
It's an opportunity.
The picture's off, but there's no picture there.
Well, there's something wrong up in the booth.
What do you want I should do? Put in a new machine?
I'm making the pictures off, so it's an accident.
I'll act it out for you. You listen to the sound, all right?
The car pulls up, and a guy gets out of the car.
And he opens the door, and he walks in and he says...
Stay where you are, Calucci.
It took me three weeks to crack this case, but I finally did it.
Little did you realize when you mailed that threatening letter to Mary of Worms,
that you left your tongue prints on the postage stamp.
You're a pretty smart cop, Uncle E.C.
Now let's see if you're smart enough to get out of this alive.
John, he's so blitheful.
If he'd had peace with me, he'd never have walked into this trap.
Don't cry, Cynthia. Nothing matters except that we love each other.
Very touching, copper.
Now stand back, lady. I'm gonna let him have it.
John, watch out!
Grab that revolver, Calucci. I have you covered.
It's Peach and the Butler. He's got a gun.
Not Peach and the Butler, miss. Ferguson of Scotland Yard.
Look out, Ferguson. He's going to shoot.
He's going to shoot!
That's Peach. Copper.
I guess it's curtains for Calucci.
Good work, Ferguson.
Cynthia, come to my arms.
Oh, Inspector.
Cynthia, will you marry me?
Oh, Inspector, I can't.
You can't? But Cynthia...
Oh, don't you see, Inspector, that this can never be.
Poor Alice never knew that the body was found eight feet from the bathroom door.
And besides, my friend doesn't get here with a serum.
All is lost.
So don't you worry, Inspector.
My life is ruined. This is the end. I can't do this anymore.
My heart is breaking, Inspector.
Breaking! Breaking! Breaking!
Hello. This is Jim Nolan once again for your favorite beauty soap, Palm Olive.
And say, tonight I have someone here I know you'll want to meet.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Miss Louise Metcalf,
who is a director of one of the principal employment agencies.
Hello, everyone.
And now, Louise, would you mind telling us a little about your work?
Well, I spend most of my time interviewing young women for jobs.
You have the kind of job I'd like.
But seriously, what do you look for when you interview someone?
Well, naturally, every job calls for different qualifications.
But there's one thing that's always a big advantage,
and that's the fresh, nice look of an attractive complexion.
Like yours?
Well, thank you.
My skin gets Palm Olive beauty care, and always will.
I've tried everything, and I just couldn't be more sold on any method of complexion care.
Well, Palm Olive's mighty proud to know that.
Well, I really am.
Because time after time, I've seen Palm Olive soap do some wonderful things for the women I've interviewed.
Women of all ages, with all types of skin.
Louise, you'll be interested to know that that's exactly what 36 leading skin specialists have found out.
In tests on 1,285 women.
That Palm Olive soap brings most women really lovelier complexions in 14 days or less.
Now, here's Palm Olive's beauty plan.
All you do is wash your face three times a day with Palm Olive soap.
Massaging its pure and really mild lather onto your face for only 60 seconds.
Then simply rinse and pat dry.
And remember, doctors have proved Palm Olive's beauty results.
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Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's very rare that I get serious.
And I want to say right now that Dean and I went to a show about two years ago.
And we saw, it was called, called me Mr. Such a Show in my whole life.
It was fair.
But seriously, we saw two wonderful people that teamed up in the show.
And then we went to see them at the Pierre Hotel.
I can tell you about two weeks ago.
Such a tab we got there.
And tab you see, because if you spend money in a place and it's too much, well then you feel sick about it.
Anyhow, we saw these kids work and they're so wonderful.
This is their initial appearance on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
And we're very proud to present Bob Fosse and Marianne Isles.
Let's make them stand up.
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-♪♪♪♪ squawking
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Thank you, Kosti and Al.
Ladies and gentlemen, right now,
it's my pleasure to introduce
the female star of our Colgate Hour,
a lovely lady we had the good fortune of having
in two of our pictures, the latest one
of Hal Wallace's release called, That's My Boy.
And this is her first time in New York TV,
in fact, it's her first time in New York City.
So let's make her kind of happy
and welcome the lovely Miss Polly Bergen.
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Hey.
Oh, it's wonderful for you to have me on the show, Dean.
Well, it's wonderful having you on the show, honey.
Well, you know how much I like to work with you.
In fact, well, you know how much I like to be with you.
I like to be with you.
Say, Dean, could maybe you and I go out after the show tonight?
Oh, not tonight, Polly.
I'm sorry.
Not tonight.
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Good night, Kay.
It's been a swell evening, but I wish you'd change your mind about that dance next Wednesday.
Why won't you go with me?
I'd rather not talk about it, Bob.
Oh, please tell me, Kay.
Have I done something I shouldn't?
No, the trouble is, Bob, you haven't done something you should.
Why don't you visit your dentist and ask him about, you know, unpleasing breath?
And then let's talk about that dance.
I'm glad you came to see me, Bob.
Here are some important facts that you and everyone should know.
Scientific tests have proved that Colgate dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth.
And Colgate's safe polishing agent cleans teeth thoroughly, brings out their natural sparkle and beauty.
Dental research shows, too, that the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating stops tooth decay best.
Yes, the Colgate way is the most thoroughly proved and accepted home method of oral hygiene known today.
No other dentifricts, ammoniated or not, offers such conclusive proof.
After what my dentist told me, I bought a tube of Colgate dental cream.
The next time I dated Kay, she said...
It was a wonderful dance, Bob.
Yes, it was, Kay, thanks to you.
So always remember, Colgate dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth.
Brush your teeth with Colgate, Colgate dental cream, it cleans your breath.
Water, toothpaste, water cleans your teeth.
Colgate toothpaste cleans your breath.
Water, toothpaste, water cleans your teeth.
And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there's no business like show business.
Today, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are recognized as two of our foremost comedy stars.
All over America, in nightclubs, vaudeville, radio, movies and television, they are acclaimed by millions.
But it was not always thus.
Only five years ago, Dean and Jerry were two struggling young entertainers,
clutching eagerly at the bottom rung of the ladder of success.
Let us turn back the pages of time to a winter night in 1946.
After paying a one-night stand in Chillicothe, Ohio,
the boys traveled two sleepless days and nights in the lurching old decrepit bus.
Late that same dismal night, in a shabby theatrical hotel somewhere in Manhattan,
Well, this is the best single in the hotel. I hope you like your room.
Yeah, it's a nice room. Good room. Good. Good room.
All right. What is it?
Well, uh, I brought...
Oh! I nearly forgot.
Here's two tickets you take a girl to a nice vaudeville show when you're in Chillicothe again.
Thanks a lot, Sporty.
That's all right. Forget it.
Ooh! Oh, boy!
Hey, Dean, let me out!
Hey, Dean, let me out of here, will ya?
All right, come on.
How is it?
I don't like it, Steve. I'm very uncomfortable in there.
And from now on, I'm gonna do the packing.
Yeah, boy, am I glad the other two guys left the act.
Don't worry. I can fix it.
You all right, Dad?
Let me help you out.
Yeah, help me out. I've had this little cry in my whole life.
I've been babbling, babbling.
Oh, I'm tired, boy. I don't want to do another sleep for 137 days.
I'm too tired to get undressed. I'm just gonna sit here, boy.
Oh, I'm tired, boy.
Yeah, I'm tired, too.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What is it?
I'm gonna get under the covers. It's cold in here.
Yeah.
I don't care. Enough of this flabbering around.
Hey, it's cold here, ain't it, Steve?
Yeah, it's cold here, ain't it, Dave?
Oh, I'm tired.
If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn't have to eat dinner alone all the time.
Eat dinner alone all the time?
Double, double, can't I, can't I ever stop flabbering in here?
If I just yell at you, you'd never come home.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna go look for a job sometime.
What are you doing?
When I scratch myself, I'll smack you.
What are you listening to?
Somebody's having a party.
Hey, it's very thin walls. You can hear everything.
Those walls aren't thin. Look.
All right. What do you want?
Go on, look for a job and let us stop eating stuff alone.
Why you...
Why you...
Get inside, Dan.
I'm in no mood for any tomfoolery. I'm sorry, Ty.
I'm flabbering all the time in this new case. It hurts me in the back.
Are you sleepy?
No, I'm Italian.
Oh, you are sleepy.
That toothbrush is a hairbrush. What are you, crazy?
Putting toothpaste on a hairbrush.
Hey!
Come on, get inside.
I'm so tired, boy. I could sleep for a hundred and thirty seconds.
Didn't I say that before?
You heard it, now you know.
Yeah. Go to sleep, will you, Dan?
No.
Good night.
Good night, Paul.
Good night.
Good night, Paul.
Good night.
What are you doing?
I heard a mouse. I heard a mouse.
I heard a mouse. I heard a mouse. I swear, Dan, I heard a mouse.
You know how I feel about mice, Dan.
I swear, Dan, I heard a mouse, Dan. I swear.
I heard a mouse. There's a mouse on me.
Yes!
I got so scared.
Maybe it's around here somewhere.
Shall I take a look?
Oh, I'm tired, boy. I could sleep for a hundred and thirty seconds.
I've been tired for seven years.
Boy, am I tired.
Oh, boy.
I never thought that the mouse with big fangs was hanging out.
Somebody jumped on my phone, boy.
He almost killed me, and I got scared.
You're all right, didn't you? I got you.
I got you. All right, Booby?
All right. I'm all right.
The mouse is goggling.
Oh, so close.
Oh, gee.
Oh, gee.
Another one.
Hurry up.
Behind me.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Gee.
Gee.
The music stopped.
What?
The music stopped, dearie.
Why'd it stop?
I'm going to play one more song for you.
I'm going to fix the bed, dearie.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
You were telling me about that article on tooth decay.
That's right, Mrs. Carson.
Reader's Digest reported the same research,
which proves that brushing teeth right after eating the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.
And Colgate dental cream, though not mentioned by name, was the one and only toothpaste used in this research.
I'm not so sure I know what that means.
Well, Mary Lou, pretend that Mr. Tooth, an old friend of yours, is taking a walk when he meets decay.
Now, no sensible tooth wants any part of decay, so Mr. Tooth runs for the Colgate way.
You know, more than two years' research showed the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating
helped stop more decay for more people than ever before reported in all dentifers' history.
Yes, the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating stops tooth decay best.
Brush your teeth with Colgate, Colgate dental cream.
It cleans your breath.
What a toothpaste.
Why, it cleans your teeth.
Colgate toothpaste.
Cleans your breath.
What a toothpaste.
Why, it cleans your teeth.
So always remember this, and you too, Mrs. Carson.
Colgate dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth, and the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.
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Oy vey.
Ladies and gentlemen, which camera?
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to say that, you know, when you're working on television or in the movies,
no matter where you work, you always got somebody coming over and saying, hey, mention, what happened to the camera?
Oh, hey, whatever you do, mention the product I make.
Cheesecake, halva, peanut brittle.
You know, people do this.
Well, Dean and I have so many friends, we didn't want to slight anybody.
We got people in big corporations.
So I'm going to give them all plugs at one time.
It'll be all of them.
Nobody can say you didn't mention it.
Fisk tires.
They're very good.
Colliers Magazine has a story on Dean and I, February 10th issue.
It's quite clever.
Hal Wallace is our boss in Hollywood who makes the pictures that we're in.
We just finished a picture called That's My Boy, and we think it's good.
I work with the armies now at the Paramount.
Colgate.
Oh, yeah, on television.
Hadacoltonic.
This is the man, Senator LeBlanc.
Hadacoltonic, you know, in case you're sick.
You know, whenever we do these things, when we mention these people, they send us things.
This man with the tonic.
Tomorrow we both get a call.
Bucknell.
These are the jokes, let's face it.
Bucknell.
Bucknell shirts.
This is a company who puts out Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis shirts.
You should buy them.
We need the money.
And the Casablanca Hotel on Miami Beach is where Dean and I stay.
This is a beautiful hotel, the Casablanca.
They got no rooms, no food.
We sit outside and wait for Humphrey Bogart.
I mentioned all the people I was supposed to mention.
Oh, yes, one I forgot.
This is a mention we were mentioning for close to, oh, a week.
And it's about four years we're mentioning Cadillac.
Cadillac, fine car.
Yesterday, they came through.
We got a hubcap.
Now, before I do anything more, I want you ladies and gentlemen to know that up to now,
you've treated us very royally.
I hope it continues, of course.
And the reason I've been taking this, what is it?
What is it?
What are you, giving me signals?
Don't go making these people think like we got signals here.
I want to stay here until maybe Ash Wednesday, I'll stay here.
I got nowhere to go.
If Colgate likes me, they'll pay the price.
What more can I say?
See, when I walk close, you got to focus all over and everything.
Am I giving you trouble now?
I'd like to introduce our very wonderful maestro, Mr. Dix de Beal, leading the orchestra.
They're going to lead this number for Dean and Polly Burden.
This is a song from that war with the army.
It's called You and Your Beautiful Eyes.
We know you'll enjoy it.
In the event you don't, well, that's the way those things go, I always say.
You and your beautiful eyes that tell such a wonderful lie.
When they start that hocus pocus, boy, things get out of focus.
You and the way that you kiss, they ought to give you a prize.
Maybe you could make a statue come to life just looking right at you.
Gee, but you're beautiful.
Ah, but you're beautiful.
You and your beautiful eyes.
You and your beautiful eyes that tell such a wonderful lie.
When they start that hocus pocus, boy, things get out of focus.
Let's talk about you and the way that you kiss.
They ought to stage a big parade, give you a prize.
Your lips, let's try them all the size off, baby.
Maybe you could make a statue come to life just looking at you.
Gee, but you're beautiful.
Ah, but you're beautiful.
You and your beautiful eyes.
So bright.
So wide.
You and your beautiful eyes.
Paul O'Furrier, ladies and gentlemen.
Lovely singer's song.
Thank you, darling.
Dick, honey, come here.
See, you see, you don't mind I spoken for you, do you?
Well, we'll do a tutsi roll.
All right.
You see, I'd like to do this next number.
It's magic, and I want you to conduct the band for me.
Okay?
So you go back and you can...
Hey, that's not fair!
What?
That's not fair.
Why should you do this to me?
I'm your partner.
I am your friend.
I am your pal.
I'll do my cast of talk.
I didn't get the last part.
Well, you see, my tongue got in the way of my eye tooth.
I couldn't see what I was saying.
Oh, yeah, I see.
No, but really, Dean, if you're going to do it...
All right, Hercules, don't get upset.
I'm not getting upset.
What's fair is fair, I always say.
First of all, you said I always lead a number on a show,
and I didn't do one this show.
I want to do it.
Truly?
Honestly and truly.
Scout's honor.
Good boy.
All right, go over and tell Dick that you're going to...
Don't ask him.
Tell him.
Dick!
All right, I don't want to be mean.
He wants me to lead this number.
We'll do what you did.
We've been together a long time.
But I hope you don't mind.
Do you?
Yeah, all right.
Oh, he's had living, this fella.
Sure.
He hates it.
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
Very beautiful little number called It's Magic,
and it's from that wonderful Italian opera,
S'Azziccio's Own.
We hope you enjoy it.
♪
Oops.
♪
♪ You sigh, the song begins
♪ You speak and I hear violins
♪ It's magic
♪
♪ The stars desert the skies
♪ And rustle nestles in your eyes
♪
♪
♪ Fantastic things begin
♪ When I am in it all
♪ When we walk hand in hand
♪ The world becomes a wonderland
♪ This is magic
♪ How else can I explain the rainbow
♪ Twinkling around
♪ With a, with a, with a, with a
♪ With a, with a
♪ With a, with a song
♪ The song that never will never end
♪ Without that song of praise
Oh!
♪
♪ Tell me what was
♪
♪ I forgot the words
Forgot the words?
What else?
You better lock up when you're through.
♪
♪ And in my heart
I'm expecting Gary Cooper.
♪
♪ And in my heart I know
♪
♪ The magic is mine
♪
Sing regular, sing regular
♪ For you
♪
♪
How much time?
How much?
How much time?
Tell us, tell us.
Five minutes.
We're all through now.
Oh, so we're through like the other show
where we ad-lib but no dirty jokes.
No, no.
Everything clean like the product we're working for.
Yes, Colgate.
And I am a satisfied user
and I say Colgate is the best
centipede on the market.
Not because they are handling us on their show
but because they told us to say it.
♪
Are you sure you got the right head back from the cleaners?
Right now, we're like, we're like,
you're not supposed to laugh that much, fellas.
Right now, we're like, where are you?
Oh, right now, we'd like to give you some impressions.
First, Jerry, my friend Jerry.
Can't deny you're my boss.
Good.
We're gonna do, he's gonna do his impression
of that wonderful actress,
that great man of the screen, James Cagney.
♪
James Cagney's a great actress.
♪
George, George, I've been a long guy for a long time, George.
I'll tell you what, no, no applause, don't try to make up.
Later when it's over.
George, I've been a long guy, all my life, George,
but I went away, I did time, George.
I'll tell you one thing, George, I had a lot of time to think.
I'll tell you one thing, George, in my opinion, George,
you're a George.
Now you should do it.
Now you should do it, and they'll do it on their own.
All you fellows standing around with these earphones
and the books and the badge think that you can dictate
to this audience, ho, ho, that's rich.
♪
Enough, save it till the end of the show
and give it to us in one big lump.
Now, I just made it up.
My partner does for you his best impression
of Clary Grant, this really stinks.
Oh, Judy, Judy, Judy, you can't take a baby
under the man's light and expect him to go home
living the way that he's been.
Well, it's not right and it's not fair.
Right now, I mean, right now, Jerry's impression
of the ex-Prime Minister of England,
ladies and gentlemen, Winston Churchill.
♪
Thanks very much.
♪
I didn't know how to do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dean and I went to the Palace Theater
a couple of days ago and we enjoyed the show immensely
and old-time vaudeville certainly isn't dead
because we have some great performers in the profession
who are still old-time vaudeville.
Thanks a lot, Deany, you're my boy, yes sirree, Bob.
We get along swell, don't we?
Now, we went to the Palace Theater, what is it, two minutes?
Oh, we can get rid of that in an hour.
Now, I said that on the first show and everyone laughed
I thought I'd repeat it.
Well, good night.
We do this old-time vaudeville for you
and we sincerely hope you enjoy it.
Richard, play it fast because we don't have too much time.
♪
♪
♪
All right, take the last six people out of the Swanee River.
We go at the end of the chorus.
All set, last six, the end.
♪
No, the whole band, they should play.
All together, the band, end.
Swanee River, call on in.
Get that BBD, break the gate, call your babies.
What are you waiting for?
Go shout ahead.
I don't do it unless my Italian friend tells me.
That's not the party.
♪
Oy, ving, ghetto.
♪
♪
You're wonderful, we love you.
♪
You've been very wonderful, ladies and gentlemen.
We hope that we can work for you soon.
And we'd like also for you to know,
Cut.
Cut, what's that mean?
We'll see you, cut, bye.
♪
The Colgate Comedy Hour has been presented by
Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath
while you clean your teeth to help stop tooth decay.
And, Bob Olive Soap for a lovelier complexion in 14 days.
♪
Be sure to tune in again next week at the same time
when Spike Jones and the City Slickers
have their television premiere on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
Then the following week,
Molly Clark will return to the Comedy Hour.
The next week, Eddie Cantor will be back
on the Colgate Comedy Hour.
And four weeks from tonight,
Tony Martin and his special guest, Milton Berle.
And now, good night for the Colgate Comedy Hour.