WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:10.000 Your watch looks swell with a new Spidell. Yes, your watch looks grand with a Spidell band. 00:10.000 --> 00:32.000 Oh, look, girls, a wishing well. I wish I had a mink coat. I wish I had a diamond necklace. 00:32.000 --> 00:48.000 Oh, I wish I had a handsome young Roman. 00:48.000 --> 00:52.000 I don't understand this thing. 00:52.000 --> 01:07.000 Before I start anything tonight, I am speaking to all the people who are standing in front of television stores looking at this show through the window. 01:07.000 --> 01:13.000 Please do not lean against the glass. 01:13.000 --> 01:21.000 For you ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know that I am appearing this evening through the carelessness of Spidell. 01:21.000 --> 01:27.000 Television is such a new thing. You folks do not really realize the potency of this instrument. 01:27.000 --> 01:32.000 It will have a great deal to do with the, I don't know what you call it, the culture of the country. 01:32.000 --> 01:37.000 It's breaking up homes. I know a man who bought a television set six months ago. 01:37.000 --> 01:45.000 And the very first night that he bought the television set, he came home, had a dinner, went in the living room and looked at the television set and never said a word to his wife. 01:45.000 --> 01:51.000 And for six solid months, every night, he has never said a word to his wife. He just watched the television. 01:51.000 --> 01:57.000 She got so sick and fed up that she just packed her clothes and she went away. She left him. 01:57.000 --> 02:01.000 He didn't even know that she had left him. 02:01.000 --> 02:11.000 He didn't know it till last night. He was looking at his television set and he saw her wrestling. 02:11.000 --> 02:19.000 You know, there's time. I want to thank the press. I think the press have been so magnanimous in their reception of my meager endeavors. 02:19.000 --> 02:27.000 I don't know what to say except to say one newspaper called me a middle-aged man. I was really delighted till I looked it up. 02:27.000 --> 02:36.000 And then I found out that a middle-aged man is a man who would rather not have a good time than try to get over it. 02:36.000 --> 02:44.000 Hey, are you going to answer the phone? 02:44.000 --> 02:48.000 Oh, the phone? Oh, pardon me. Yes. 02:48.000 --> 02:59.000 Hello? Oh, the Associated Press, yes. Well, that was really my uncle. That's the whole story. 02:59.000 --> 03:07.000 Yes, that was my uncle. Well, the whole story is very strange. I came home and my uncle was cutting out pictures of beautiful gales from the magazine. 03:07.000 --> 03:14.000 And I asked him why he was cutting the pretty gales out of that fashion magazine. That's my uncle. 03:14.000 --> 03:19.000 And he looked at me surprised. He didn't know that it was a fashion magazine. 03:19.000 --> 03:24.000 He was so surprised. He said, I thought that this was a Sears Roebuck catalog, he said. 03:24.000 --> 03:35.000 I was just sending in my order. That's what he said. Yeah. Well, you can't blame my uncle. That's the way he got my aunt, you know. 03:35.000 --> 03:46.000 My goodness, that's wonderful. Let me see here. Hello? The Queen Mary. I forgot, this is television. My next scene, I have to be in France. 03:46.000 --> 04:01.000 I'm going on the Queen Mary. The Queen Mary must have a little tug there. I can't wait till I get to France because I have a cousin in Paris and I have a nephew in Meath. 04:01.000 --> 04:30.000 Well, I'll be back. Wait a minute. 04:30.000 --> 04:44.000 My goodness, I'm in Paris. Here's some sugar. She worked like a horse, that's for sure. This is wonderful. 04:44.000 --> 04:53.000 Monsieur, may I show you a table? No, thank you. I've seen a table. I've seen a table. You could show me some of those postcards. 04:53.000 --> 05:05.000 No, Monsieur. What I mean is, are you hungry? Would you like a table? Well, I'm not that hungry. I'll try a couple of legs. I'll see what I can do. 05:05.000 --> 05:25.000 Oh yes, thank you. Thank you. We may as well get acquainted. I'm a stranger here myself, you know. 05:25.000 --> 05:37.000 There must be someone home. There's a light in the window. 05:37.000 --> 05:48.000 I say, what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, I'm going to make a cigarette. I'm going to make a cigarette with one hand. 05:48.000 --> 06:03.000 I saw it in a western movie, you know. A western? Oh, it must have been a western. It was on television. 06:03.000 --> 06:23.000 I'll sit over here. You know, in this country... Cigarette? Cigarette? Oh, I'm attempting to understand the marshal playing now. 06:23.000 --> 06:40.000 How do you do? Really? Oh, champagne. Champagne. I love the champagne. Do you like it? Yes. 06:40.000 --> 06:46.000 You know, I have a cousin. That's why I came to Paris. My cousin works in a champagne place, you know. Yes. 06:46.000 --> 06:54.000 Yeah, he works in his bare feet in a big tub with a lot of grapes. And he walks around all day on the grapes, you know, pressing the grapes. 06:54.000 --> 07:07.000 But at night he can't even walk a straight line on his way home. He is intoxicated. No, no, no. He's all right. But his feet are loaded, you know. 07:07.000 --> 07:22.000 Well, here you go. A boat on Sunday. Haven't I seen you someplace before? Perhaps, monsieur. At night I dance at the Café Rouge. 07:22.000 --> 07:32.000 You are the leader! I thought I remembered that one step you did. This thing here. That was so lovely that you did. 07:32.000 --> 07:45.000 That was not me. I dance like this. Oh, no. The step I saw you do was like that. You did something. Something like that. 07:45.000 --> 07:58.000 No, like this. If I could only get her to keep this up a little while. It was like this. 07:58.000 --> 08:07.000 Oh, she had another one. I didn't know that. Oh, she wants her cigarettes back. Here they are. Here they are, miss. 08:07.000 --> 08:19.000 See, I can't speak their language. I've had this trouble in three shows now. Well, I'll sell them myself. 08:19.000 --> 08:29.000 The garden cigarettes. I'll get off this one. 08:49.000 --> 08:59.000 The garden cigarettes. 09:19.000 --> 09:29.000 The garden cigarettes. 09:49.000 --> 10:09.000 I just went to the hotel to change my clothes. You know, I saw one of those bathing girls, those French girls in one of those French bathing suits. 10:09.000 --> 10:19.000 It's wonderful what they do with two crates, two sets, you know. This guy is wasting the other guy over there. 10:19.000 --> 10:31.000 I'll take my drink to another table. Stop! Look at your watch. Remember, when you look at your watch, they look at your watch band. 10:31.000 --> 10:40.000 Your watch looks swell with a new Spidell. Yes, your watch looks grand with a Spidell band. 10:40.000 --> 10:49.000 I thought it was you. It sounded like advertising the minute that you said stop. But that won't do you any good. 10:49.000 --> 10:56.000 I told you, in television, you cannot, in television, you have to show people things on the screen. 10:56.000 --> 11:04.000 They don't always see it, but you have to show it to them anyhow. All right, then I'll show them this mighty new Sir Galahad by Spidell. 11:04.000 --> 11:13.000 This Sir Galahad will make any man's watch look richer, more expensive, and will add to his wrist the look of power, of strength. 11:13.000 --> 11:21.000 Well, that may be, but it's very dull. Very dull advertising. Television is something new. It's a new medium. 11:21.000 --> 11:27.000 I'll show you. I've got it all fixed up. Waiter, will you bring your Augusta, please? Waiter, waiter. 11:27.000 --> 11:32.000 You see, in television, ladies and gentlemen, I must explain, the sponsor can't afford much money yet. 11:32.000 --> 11:41.000 So in television, this becomes a whole Augusta, you see. And the conductor of our Augusta tonight is none other than maestro Sam Hearn. 11:41.000 --> 11:49.000 Samuel, I do appreciate it. Sam, it is my endeavor to change advertising the world over. I need your assistance. 11:49.000 --> 11:56.000 Tonight I would like to do it in symphonic form. See? Will you follow me? You just try to explain what I say. 11:56.000 --> 12:03.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Spidell, who makes the marvelous watch band for ladies and men, good advertising, you see, 12:03.000 --> 12:11.000 presents that modern symphony, the title of which is Crime Does Not Pay, Neither Does Television. 12:11.000 --> 12:21.000 And what you do, you start the symphony. 12:21.000 --> 12:30.000 Oh, no, no, that would be no good on this. That's all right for the Lone Ranger. 12:30.000 --> 12:39.000 Now I tell you, I will explain. This is a little story. See, I'm going to speak as Spidell watch band, but in an interesting way. 12:39.000 --> 12:53.000 The place is the living room of a beautiful mansion, outside of which there is taking place a terrific storm. 12:53.000 --> 13:00.000 That's the idea. I'll later tell them this is not in California so they don't get mad, you see. 13:00.000 --> 13:13.000 Into the house, the burglar through a rusty door. I could have had him come through the window, but you can't do that on violin, you see. 13:13.000 --> 13:22.000 Now, the burglar is coming to the house to steal one of Spidell's Sagalahads. 13:22.000 --> 13:30.000 I'll have to call up the sponsor and ask them what it is. A watch band, a watch band, a watch band. 13:30.000 --> 13:44.000 Watch band, watch band, that's a watch band. Now, the burglar, the burglar picks up the watch band and it expands. 13:44.000 --> 13:50.000 He let go too quickly, but here's the idea. This is the silly part of the story, Sam, you must follow me. 13:50.000 --> 13:57.000 This burglar could go in any jewelry store and buy a Spidell Sagalahad watch band for $14.95. 13:57.000 --> 14:04.000 Oh. Yeah, but this burglar prefers to steal. See, each man to his own hobby, you know. 14:04.000 --> 14:18.000 Now, in the house there is a dog. The dog is asleep. It's dark. The burglar trips over the dog and the dog howls. 14:18.000 --> 14:42.000 The dog is in a doberman's pinch, you know. However, the barking of the dog awakens the bird. 14:42.000 --> 14:56.000 The Spidell will kill me, I know that. Now, the burglar, he wants to steal the Spidell, which is a beautiful, a beautiful watch band, you know. 14:56.000 --> 15:07.000 Now, it's much more beautiful. This watch band is much more beautiful. Now, much more beautiful. 15:07.000 --> 15:21.000 Well, that's like that. Anyhow, this is very interesting to you. The woman who owns the house comes into the house very quietly. 15:21.000 --> 15:35.000 That was perfect. Now, she comes in the house, she is still dizzy from dancing a square dance in a roundhouse, you know what I mean? 15:35.000 --> 15:57.000 She sees the burglar and being a woman, she says, ah, you son of a gun. I didn't say that. However, this is very interesting. 15:57.000 --> 16:10.000 You see? The girl, the woman of the house, says to the burglar, you have come here to steal my father's Sagala head watch band because you know that a watch looks great with a Spidell band. 16:10.000 --> 16:22.000 Not till then do we know that she is a niece of Spidell. Now, a struggle happens between the two. 16:22.000 --> 16:34.000 And then a shot is heard. It's him shooting her. Then she shoots him. They both die. 16:34.000 --> 16:45.000 It saves them rights for advertising. However, the symphony finishes, well, very happily. It's a happy ending. 16:45.000 --> 16:55.000 No, it's not that happy. The idea is that the bird marries the dog. It's an unusual thing. 16:55.000 --> 17:06.000 And the bird at the wedding gives the dog a present of a Spidell watch band because it's a watchdog. That's the end. That's the end. 17:06.000 --> 17:19.000 Thank you very much. Thank you. That, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I call television advertising. 17:19.000 --> 17:26.000 I do not think that it will sell many watch bands, but it ought to sell a lot of violins. 17:26.000 --> 17:40.000 But, uh, this doesn't start them. They get married, but it's a modern marriage and it's a failure. 17:40.000 --> 17:49.000 And they decide, they decide to separate. So they divide the house. They divide the house equally. 17:49.000 --> 17:59.000 She gets the inside and he gets the outside. Ah, turn that thing off. Here, don't shut that off. 17:59.000 --> 18:07.000 I listen to him every week. He's very funny, that guy there. Why do you turn him off? What can I do for you? 18:07.000 --> 18:14.000 Do you have any of those new long playing records? Long playing records? I don't know. Yes, his one. 18:14.000 --> 18:21.000 His one should play about a month. There, take it from here. Take it quickly, you see. 18:21.000 --> 18:26.000 Say, I'd like to see what you have in a guitar. A guitar? How about an electric guitar? 18:26.000 --> 18:32.000 Oh, an electric guitar. Yeah. How do you play it? Well, it doesn't play. It just makes toast, you know. 18:32.000 --> 18:37.000 Would you like to see it? Here's an interesting thing you might like. This is an idea of my own. 18:37.000 --> 18:48.000 This is a symbol made of felt. A symbol made of felt? Yeah, feel it, feel it. I say it's for musicians who like to practice in public libraries. 18:48.000 --> 18:55.000 Just an idea, but I don't think it's any good. Hey, hey, who is that? Who is that? 18:55.000 --> 19:03.000 Why, that's one of the biggest popular singers today. Don't tell me that's Desi Opinder, because I saw, I saw North Atlantic. 19:03.000 --> 19:07.000 No! Why, that's Mel Torme, the MGM star! 19:07.000 --> 19:17.000 Mel Torme? Mel Torme, what? Sounds like a French Desi. How do you do? 19:17.000 --> 19:22.000 Hello, how are you? Say, do you have any Perry Como records? Perry Como records? Yeah. Uh-huh. 19:22.000 --> 19:27.000 Yes, I have one here with 85% of the caffeine removed here. 19:27.000 --> 19:33.000 This is, that's the Perry Como, that's his latest record. Ah, wonderful. 19:33.000 --> 19:40.000 Hey, hey, come here, hey! Hey, come here, Mr. Torme, come here. Are you really Mel Torme? Yeah, that's right. 19:40.000 --> 19:46.000 Are you the fellow, Mel Torme? Yeah. Do you know that this was made specially for you? We're going to put it in the window. 19:46.000 --> 19:51.000 What is that thing? This is a velvet foghorn. Do you like it? No, no, no, I like it. 19:51.000 --> 20:01.000 Leo Solomon thought it would be good. I doubt if I can use it. Do you have any tuning forks? I could use a tuning fork. 20:01.000 --> 20:07.000 No, we're all out of them. There's been a big run on tuning forks this year. Yes, I have a fork here. 20:07.000 --> 20:13.000 I'd like to show it to you. This is very interesting. This is a fork. It's not a tuning fork, you know. 20:13.000 --> 20:19.000 It's an invention of mine. It's a fork for eating spaghetti. You see what it does? 20:19.000 --> 20:26.000 Did you see that? No, no, no. That one plagued my throat. I'm a singer. All right, I just mentioned it. 20:26.000 --> 20:31.000 I'm a singer. Oh, I sing? Do you sing? Oh, sure. I didn't know that. Sure. 20:31.000 --> 20:40.000 Climb upon my knee, sunny boy. Climb upon my knee, sunny boy. I'm hard, you know. 20:40.000 --> 20:48.000 All right, but it hardly seems worth the trip. I didn't want you to take me. Would you mind getting up just a minute? 20:48.000 --> 20:58.000 Oh, can I help you? Now I know why Jolson is singing again. He can't get up. 20:58.000 --> 21:06.000 Thank you very much. Listen, for doing that wonderful deed, for doing what you just did, I will make you the biggest singer in television. 21:06.000 --> 21:11.000 Me the biggest singer in television? Yes, I really mean that. Wonderful. Yes, I really shall make you. You've got to do exactly... 21:11.000 --> 21:16.000 You see, television, everything is visual. I see. You see, and most singers just stand and sing. I see. 21:16.000 --> 21:21.000 I've got a great idea. You sneak around to Bing Crosby, Jeffery. You've heard of it? Yeah, I've heard of it. 21:21.000 --> 21:26.000 You go to Bing Crosby's house, and he's got a set of lyrics over there called White Christmas. 21:26.000 --> 21:36.000 You steal the lyrics. Now here's what you do. Right before you go on television, when you're laying the song, White Christmas, you fill your mouth. 21:36.000 --> 21:43.000 Your mouth here, you see. That's from playing Jolson. One second and I'm done. 21:43.000 --> 21:50.000 Your mouth here. You fill your mouth is really what I wanted to say, because I'm from further up north. 21:50.000 --> 21:57.000 You fill your mouth with soap chips. Soap chips? Yes, you put soap chips in your mouth, and then you come out of... 21:57.000 --> 22:03.000 And while you are singing White Christmas, you snow all over the audience. 22:03.000 --> 22:14.000 That's my own idea. Yeah, well, no, that's not particularly my type of song. You see, I like more jumpy things. Would you like to hear Mrs. Careless Hands? 22:14.000 --> 22:23.000 Would I like to hear Careless Hands? Of course, I'm a different school than you, but that sounds like very, very poor English. 22:23.000 --> 22:31.000 You mean, would I like to see Careless Hands? Oh, no, no. Huh? You see, Careless Hands is a song. I sing a song. Oh. 22:31.000 --> 22:38.000 Careless Hands. Oh, well, what about it? Would you like to hear it? Would I like to hear it? Yeah, would you like to hear Careless Hands? 22:38.000 --> 22:42.000 No, not necessarily, no. 22:45.000 --> 22:51.000 Incidentally, all you folks out there, we need a little bit of help in the hand clapping department. Don't be bashful, join in. Lud, it's all yours. 22:51.000 --> 23:01.000 Everybody. That's not everybody. Come on, let's hear it from you. 23:01.000 --> 23:08.000 I let my heart fall into Careless Hands. 23:08.000 --> 23:15.000 Careless Hands broke my heart in two. 23:15.000 --> 23:23.000 You held my dreams like worthless grains of sand. 23:23.000 --> 23:28.000 Careless Hands don't care when dreams slip through. 23:28.000 --> 23:35.000 I brought you joy. Baby, I loved you so. 23:35.000 --> 23:41.000 But all that sunshine didn't make the roses grow. 23:41.000 --> 23:48.000 If you don't change, someday you'll know the solace. 23:48.000 --> 23:54.000 Careless Hands can't hold on to love. 23:54.000 --> 24:01.000 I let my heart fall into Careless Hands. 24:01.000 --> 24:08.000 Careless Hands broke my heart in two. 24:08.000 --> 24:15.000 You held my dreams like worthless grains of sand. 24:15.000 --> 24:24.000 Careless Hands don't care when dreams slip through. 24:24.000 --> 24:30.000 I brought you joy. Baby, I loved you so. 24:30.000 --> 24:37.000 But all that sunshine didn't make the roses grow. 24:37.000 --> 24:45.000 If you don't change, someday you'll know the sorrow. 24:45.000 --> 24:51.000 Careless Hands can't hold on to love. 24:51.000 --> 24:54.000 Careless Hands, just the folks up in front. 24:54.000 --> 24:58.000 Can't hold on to love. 24:58.000 --> 25:00.000 Careless Hands, now all you people back here, 25:00.000 --> 25:07.000 in Death Valley. Come on. 25:07.000 --> 25:09.000 And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, 25:09.000 --> 25:13.000 I want to present our players in probably the most unusual of all, 25:13.000 --> 25:25.120 the 25:25.120 --> 25:30.120 It starts out somewhat like a symphony, except this is a drama. 25:30.120 --> 25:35.120 And as the cadence rises on it, there is a terrific storm raging off the East Coast of Africa. 25:35.120 --> 25:40.120 But that makes no difference to us because our play takes place in Boston. 25:40.120 --> 25:42.120 Very, very, very interesting. 25:42.120 --> 25:44.120 The leading man, his name is Alfred. 25:44.120 --> 25:49.120 Now Alfred lost his mother and father when he was 12 years of age. 25:49.120 --> 25:51.120 What a crap. 25:51.120 --> 25:57.120 Now, this is very much, he falls in love with a girl named Emily. 25:57.120 --> 25:58.120 He falls in love with Emily. 25:58.120 --> 26:01.120 She comes from a fast, hideous family. 26:01.120 --> 26:04.120 By that I mean that her father was fast and her mother was hideous. 26:04.120 --> 26:05.120 But it's very interesting. 26:05.120 --> 26:06.120 It's very interesting. 26:06.120 --> 26:11.120 She wants to take him home to meet her parents and they jump on a bus. 26:11.120 --> 26:14.120 And she says, Emily says to the bus driver, 26:14.120 --> 26:17.120 says that this bus stops at the bus stop. 26:17.120 --> 26:23.120 And he says, Emily says to the bus driver, says that this bus stops at the wall of Astoria. 26:23.120 --> 26:26.120 And the bus driver says, no, that's much too expensive. 26:26.120 --> 26:28.120 We just keep it in a garage. 26:28.120 --> 26:35.120 Now, when she gets home that night, there is the doctor there treating her mother. 26:35.120 --> 26:42.120 And as the father comes in, the daughter says, Father, do you know that mother has either the measles or the mumps? 26:42.120 --> 26:44.120 The doctor doesn't know. 26:44.120 --> 26:47.120 And the father says, well, we'll know by tomorrow morning. 26:47.120 --> 26:51.120 She will either break out or shut up. 26:51.120 --> 26:56.120 Seven years pass by and Alfred and his girl Emily get married. 26:56.120 --> 27:00.120 It's just as well because they didn't get along anyhow, you know. 27:00.120 --> 27:07.120 Now, right here, if it... 27:07.120 --> 27:18.120 Oh, that's old fashioned, seven-six. 27:18.120 --> 27:23.120 That looks like a trick of Spidey to get me off the stage. 27:23.120 --> 27:27.120 But I've got one more joke to tell and I'm going to tell it. 27:27.120 --> 27:35.120 Now, after they're married, she wants her husband to go in the movies and he says, I do not want to go in the movies. 27:35.120 --> 27:37.120 And she says, you don't? He says, no. 27:37.120 --> 27:40.120 Then her father comes and says, you must go in the movies. 27:40.120 --> 27:43.120 And he says, I don't want to go in the movies. Look what happens in the movies. 27:43.120 --> 27:49.120 One day you're kissing Lana Taylor, one day you're kissing Joan Crawford, another day you're kissing Jennifer Jones, and the next day you're a has-been. 27:49.120 --> 27:54.120 And the father says, yes, but look where you have been. 27:54.120 --> 28:09.120 I can't show you the show tonight, but this is what you'll see next week. 28:54.120 --> 28:58.120 Don't forget Spidey makes watch bands for ladies, too. 28:58.120 --> 29:08.120 Get them tomorrow at your favorite jewel. 29:08.120 --> 29:21.120 I let him do that. He doesn't know we're off the air. 29:21.120 --> 29:27.120 The Ed Winn show will be seen next week at the same time on this same station. Ed's guest will be Dinah Shore. 29:27.120 --> 29:53.120 This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.