Your watch looks swell with a new Spidell. Yes, your watch looks grand with a Spidell band.
Oh, look, girls, a wishing well. I wish I had a mink coat. I wish I had a diamond necklace.
Oh, I wish I had a handsome young Roman.
I don't understand this thing.
Before I start anything tonight, I am speaking to all the people who are standing in front of television stores looking at this show through the window.
Please do not lean against the glass.
For you ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know that I am appearing this evening through the carelessness of Spidell.
Television is such a new thing. You folks do not really realize the potency of this instrument.
It will have a great deal to do with the, I don't know what you call it, the culture of the country.
It's breaking up homes. I know a man who bought a television set six months ago.
And the very first night that he bought the television set, he came home, had a dinner, went in the living room and looked at the television set and never said a word to his wife.
And for six solid months, every night, he has never said a word to his wife. He just watched the television.
She got so sick and fed up that she just packed her clothes and she went away. She left him.
He didn't even know that she had left him.
He didn't know it till last night. He was looking at his television set and he saw her wrestling.
You know, there's time. I want to thank the press. I think the press have been so magnanimous in their reception of my meager endeavors.
I don't know what to say except to say one newspaper called me a middle-aged man. I was really delighted till I looked it up.
And then I found out that a middle-aged man is a man who would rather not have a good time than try to get over it.
Hey, are you going to answer the phone?
Oh, the phone? Oh, pardon me. Yes.
Hello? Oh, the Associated Press, yes. Well, that was really my uncle. That's the whole story.
Yes, that was my uncle. Well, the whole story is very strange. I came home and my uncle was cutting out pictures of beautiful gales from the magazine.
And I asked him why he was cutting the pretty gales out of that fashion magazine. That's my uncle.
And he looked at me surprised. He didn't know that it was a fashion magazine.
He was so surprised. He said, I thought that this was a Sears Roebuck catalog, he said.
I was just sending in my order. That's what he said. Yeah. Well, you can't blame my uncle. That's the way he got my aunt, you know.
My goodness, that's wonderful. Let me see here. Hello? The Queen Mary. I forgot, this is television. My next scene, I have to be in France.
I'm going on the Queen Mary. The Queen Mary must have a little tug there. I can't wait till I get to France because I have a cousin in Paris and I have a nephew in Meath.
Well, I'll be back. Wait a minute.
My goodness, I'm in Paris. Here's some sugar. She worked like a horse, that's for sure. This is wonderful.
Monsieur, may I show you a table? No, thank you. I've seen a table. I've seen a table. You could show me some of those postcards.
No, Monsieur. What I mean is, are you hungry? Would you like a table? Well, I'm not that hungry. I'll try a couple of legs. I'll see what I can do.
Oh yes, thank you. Thank you. We may as well get acquainted. I'm a stranger here myself, you know.
There must be someone home. There's a light in the window.
I say, what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, I'm going to make a cigarette. I'm going to make a cigarette with one hand.
I saw it in a western movie, you know. A western? Oh, it must have been a western. It was on television.
I'll sit over here. You know, in this country... Cigarette? Cigarette? Oh, I'm attempting to understand the marshal playing now.
How do you do? Really? Oh, champagne. Champagne. I love the champagne. Do you like it? Yes.
You know, I have a cousin. That's why I came to Paris. My cousin works in a champagne place, you know. Yes.
Yeah, he works in his bare feet in a big tub with a lot of grapes. And he walks around all day on the grapes, you know, pressing the grapes.
But at night he can't even walk a straight line on his way home. He is intoxicated. No, no, no. He's all right. But his feet are loaded, you know.
Well, here you go. A boat on Sunday. Haven't I seen you someplace before? Perhaps, monsieur. At night I dance at the Café Rouge.
You are the leader! I thought I remembered that one step you did. This thing here. That was so lovely that you did.
That was not me. I dance like this. Oh, no. The step I saw you do was like that. You did something. Something like that.
No, like this. If I could only get her to keep this up a little while. It was like this.
Oh, she had another one. I didn't know that. Oh, she wants her cigarettes back. Here they are. Here they are, miss.
See, I can't speak their language. I've had this trouble in three shows now. Well, I'll sell them myself.
The garden cigarettes. I'll get off this one.
The garden cigarettes.
I just went to the hotel to change my clothes. You know, I saw one of those bathing girls, those French girls in one of those French bathing suits.
It's wonderful what they do with two crates, two sets, you know. This guy is wasting the other guy over there.
I'll take my drink to another table. Stop! Look at your watch. Remember, when you look at your watch, they look at your watch band.
Your watch looks swell with a new Spidell. Yes, your watch looks grand with a Spidell band.
I thought it was you. It sounded like advertising the minute that you said stop. But that won't do you any good.
I told you, in television, you cannot, in television, you have to show people things on the screen.
They don't always see it, but you have to show it to them anyhow. All right, then I'll show them this mighty new Sir Galahad by Spidell.
This Sir Galahad will make any man's watch look richer, more expensive, and will add to his wrist the look of power, of strength.
Well, that may be, but it's very dull. Very dull advertising. Television is something new. It's a new medium.
I'll show you. I've got it all fixed up. Waiter, will you bring your Augusta, please? Waiter, waiter.
You see, in television, ladies and gentlemen, I must explain, the sponsor can't afford much money yet.
So in television, this becomes a whole Augusta, you see. And the conductor of our Augusta tonight is none other than maestro Sam Hearn.
Samuel, I do appreciate it. Sam, it is my endeavor to change advertising the world over. I need your assistance.
Tonight I would like to do it in symphonic form. See? Will you follow me? You just try to explain what I say.
Ladies and gentlemen, Spidell, who makes the marvelous watch band for ladies and men, good advertising, you see,
presents that modern symphony, the title of which is Crime Does Not Pay, Neither Does Television.
And what you do, you start the symphony.
Oh, no, no, that would be no good on this. That's all right for the Lone Ranger.
Now I tell you, I will explain. This is a little story. See, I'm going to speak as Spidell watch band, but in an interesting way.
The place is the living room of a beautiful mansion, outside of which there is taking place a terrific storm.
That's the idea. I'll later tell them this is not in California so they don't get mad, you see.
Into the house, the burglar through a rusty door. I could have had him come through the window, but you can't do that on violin, you see.
Now, the burglar is coming to the house to steal one of Spidell's Sagalahads.
I'll have to call up the sponsor and ask them what it is. A watch band, a watch band, a watch band.
Watch band, watch band, that's a watch band. Now, the burglar, the burglar picks up the watch band and it expands.
He let go too quickly, but here's the idea. This is the silly part of the story, Sam, you must follow me.
This burglar could go in any jewelry store and buy a Spidell Sagalahad watch band for $14.95.
Oh. Yeah, but this burglar prefers to steal. See, each man to his own hobby, you know.
Now, in the house there is a dog. The dog is asleep. It's dark. The burglar trips over the dog and the dog howls.
The dog is in a doberman's pinch, you know. However, the barking of the dog awakens the bird.
The Spidell will kill me, I know that. Now, the burglar, he wants to steal the Spidell, which is a beautiful, a beautiful watch band, you know.
Now, it's much more beautiful. This watch band is much more beautiful. Now, much more beautiful.
Well, that's like that. Anyhow, this is very interesting to you. The woman who owns the house comes into the house very quietly.
That was perfect. Now, she comes in the house, she is still dizzy from dancing a square dance in a roundhouse, you know what I mean?
She sees the burglar and being a woman, she says, ah, you son of a gun. I didn't say that. However, this is very interesting.
You see? The girl, the woman of the house, says to the burglar, you have come here to steal my father's Sagala head watch band because you know that a watch looks great with a Spidell band.
Not till then do we know that she is a niece of Spidell. Now, a struggle happens between the two.
And then a shot is heard. It's him shooting her. Then she shoots him. They both die.
It saves them rights for advertising. However, the symphony finishes, well, very happily. It's a happy ending.
No, it's not that happy. The idea is that the bird marries the dog. It's an unusual thing.
And the bird at the wedding gives the dog a present of a Spidell watch band because it's a watchdog. That's the end. That's the end.
Thank you very much. Thank you. That, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I call television advertising.
I do not think that it will sell many watch bands, but it ought to sell a lot of violins.
But, uh, this doesn't start them. They get married, but it's a modern marriage and it's a failure.
And they decide, they decide to separate. So they divide the house. They divide the house equally.
She gets the inside and he gets the outside. Ah, turn that thing off. Here, don't shut that off.
I listen to him every week. He's very funny, that guy there. Why do you turn him off? What can I do for you?
Do you have any of those new long playing records? Long playing records? I don't know. Yes, his one.
His one should play about a month. There, take it from here. Take it quickly, you see.
Say, I'd like to see what you have in a guitar. A guitar? How about an electric guitar?
Oh, an electric guitar. Yeah. How do you play it? Well, it doesn't play. It just makes toast, you know.
Would you like to see it? Here's an interesting thing you might like. This is an idea of my own.
This is a symbol made of felt. A symbol made of felt? Yeah, feel it, feel it. I say it's for musicians who like to practice in public libraries.
Just an idea, but I don't think it's any good. Hey, hey, who is that? Who is that?
Why, that's one of the biggest popular singers today. Don't tell me that's Desi Opinder, because I saw, I saw North Atlantic.
No! Why, that's Mel Torme, the MGM star!
Mel Torme? Mel Torme, what? Sounds like a French Desi. How do you do?
Hello, how are you? Say, do you have any Perry Como records? Perry Como records? Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yes, I have one here with 85% of the caffeine removed here.
This is, that's the Perry Como, that's his latest record. Ah, wonderful.
Hey, hey, come here, hey! Hey, come here, Mr. Torme, come here. Are you really Mel Torme? Yeah, that's right.
Are you the fellow, Mel Torme? Yeah. Do you know that this was made specially for you? We're going to put it in the window.
What is that thing? This is a velvet foghorn. Do you like it? No, no, no, I like it.
Leo Solomon thought it would be good. I doubt if I can use it. Do you have any tuning forks? I could use a tuning fork.
No, we're all out of them. There's been a big run on tuning forks this year. Yes, I have a fork here.
I'd like to show it to you. This is very interesting. This is a fork. It's not a tuning fork, you know.
It's an invention of mine. It's a fork for eating spaghetti. You see what it does?
Did you see that? No, no, no. That one plagued my throat. I'm a singer. All right, I just mentioned it.
I'm a singer. Oh, I sing? Do you sing? Oh, sure. I didn't know that. Sure.
Climb upon my knee, sunny boy. Climb upon my knee, sunny boy. I'm hard, you know.
All right, but it hardly seems worth the trip. I didn't want you to take me. Would you mind getting up just a minute?
Oh, can I help you? Now I know why Jolson is singing again. He can't get up.
Thank you very much. Listen, for doing that wonderful deed, for doing what you just did, I will make you the biggest singer in television.
Me the biggest singer in television? Yes, I really mean that. Wonderful. Yes, I really shall make you. You've got to do exactly...
You see, television, everything is visual. I see. You see, and most singers just stand and sing. I see.
I've got a great idea. You sneak around to Bing Crosby, Jeffery. You've heard of it? Yeah, I've heard of it.
You go to Bing Crosby's house, and he's got a set of lyrics over there called White Christmas.
You steal the lyrics. Now here's what you do. Right before you go on television, when you're laying the song, White Christmas, you fill your mouth.
Your mouth here, you see. That's from playing Jolson. One second and I'm done.
Your mouth here. You fill your mouth is really what I wanted to say, because I'm from further up north.
You fill your mouth with soap chips. Soap chips? Yes, you put soap chips in your mouth, and then you come out of...
And while you are singing White Christmas, you snow all over the audience.
That's my own idea. Yeah, well, no, that's not particularly my type of song. You see, I like more jumpy things. Would you like to hear Mrs. Careless Hands?
Would I like to hear Careless Hands? Of course, I'm a different school than you, but that sounds like very, very poor English.
You mean, would I like to see Careless Hands? Oh, no, no. Huh? You see, Careless Hands is a song. I sing a song. Oh.
Careless Hands. Oh, well, what about it? Would you like to hear it? Would I like to hear it? Yeah, would you like to hear Careless Hands?
No, not necessarily, no.
Incidentally, all you folks out there, we need a little bit of help in the hand clapping department. Don't be bashful, join in. Lud, it's all yours.
Everybody. That's not everybody. Come on, let's hear it from you.
I let my heart fall into Careless Hands.
Careless Hands broke my heart in two.
You held my dreams like worthless grains of sand.
Careless Hands don't care when dreams slip through.
I brought you joy. Baby, I loved you so.
But all that sunshine didn't make the roses grow.
If you don't change, someday you'll know the solace.
Careless Hands can't hold on to love.
I let my heart fall into Careless Hands.
Careless Hands broke my heart in two.
You held my dreams like worthless grains of sand.
Careless Hands don't care when dreams slip through.
I brought you joy. Baby, I loved you so.
But all that sunshine didn't make the roses grow.
If you don't change, someday you'll know the sorrow.
Careless Hands can't hold on to love.
Careless Hands, just the folks up in front.
Can't hold on to love.
Careless Hands, now all you people back here,
in Death Valley. Come on.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again,
I want to present our players in probably the most unusual of all,
the
It starts out somewhat like a symphony, except this is a drama.
And as the cadence rises on it, there is a terrific storm raging off the East Coast of Africa.
But that makes no difference to us because our play takes place in Boston.
Very, very, very interesting.
The leading man, his name is Alfred.
Now Alfred lost his mother and father when he was 12 years of age.
What a crap.
Now, this is very much, he falls in love with a girl named Emily.
He falls in love with Emily.
She comes from a fast, hideous family.
By that I mean that her father was fast and her mother was hideous.
But it's very interesting.
It's very interesting.
She wants to take him home to meet her parents and they jump on a bus.
And she says, Emily says to the bus driver,
says that this bus stops at the bus stop.
And he says, Emily says to the bus driver, says that this bus stops at the wall of Astoria.
And the bus driver says, no, that's much too expensive.
We just keep it in a garage.
Now, when she gets home that night, there is the doctor there treating her mother.
And as the father comes in, the daughter says, Father, do you know that mother has either the measles or the mumps?
The doctor doesn't know.
And the father says, well, we'll know by tomorrow morning.
She will either break out or shut up.
Seven years pass by and Alfred and his girl Emily get married.
It's just as well because they didn't get along anyhow, you know.
Now, right here, if it...
Oh, that's old fashioned, seven-six.
That looks like a trick of Spidey to get me off the stage.
But I've got one more joke to tell and I'm going to tell it.
Now, after they're married, she wants her husband to go in the movies and he says, I do not want to go in the movies.
And she says, you don't? He says, no.
Then her father comes and says, you must go in the movies.
And he says, I don't want to go in the movies. Look what happens in the movies.
One day you're kissing Lana Taylor, one day you're kissing Joan Crawford, another day you're kissing Jennifer Jones, and the next day you're a has-been.
And the father says, yes, but look where you have been.
I can't show you the show tonight, but this is what you'll see next week.
Don't forget Spidey makes watch bands for ladies, too.
Get them tomorrow at your favorite jewel.
I let him do that. He doesn't know we're off the air.
The Ed Winn show will be seen next week at the same time on this same station. Ed's guest will be Dinah Shore.
This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.