From television city in Hollywood, we bring you the Jack Benny Show with his special guest
Humphrey Bogart, presented by Lucky Strike.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of America's greatest football coaches, Lou Little.
It's not surprising, you know, for a football coach to enjoy a cigarette for relaxation,
just as you do, and particularly after a hard game or a tough practice session.
Now, I've smoked Luckies for a great many years because I like the way they taste, and
it's all a matter of taste, just as the football that you enjoy watching.
As a football coach, I like the offense, the game, and what's great, deception, speed,
and power, and a great deal of pressure put on that defensive lineup.
Wait a minute now, we were talking about Luckies.
Again I want to say they appeal to me because I like that taste, and again, it's all a matter
of taste.
We hope that like Lou Little, you're a lucky smoker.
If not, we're confident you will be once you've tried Luckies.
You see, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, and the fact of the matter is, Luckies
taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother.
There are two reasons.
First, LSMFT.
Lucky strike means fine tobacco, and then Luckies are actually made better.
So be happy, go lucky.
See for yourself that Luckies taste better.
Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Lucky Strike program.
You know, I... really, you'll have to excuse me for laughing, but I just spent the most
wonderful half hour I've ever spent in my life.
I was listening to my own radio show.
And I don't know, I was so comical, you know.
I said so many funny things.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, you know, but I believe, I really believe that a man
should be honest with himself.
If there's anything I hate is when a comedian is great and won't admit it.
I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate it.
And one thing about me, ladies, I'm honest.
I really am, you know.
If any other comedian, if any other comedian has a bad show, I'm the first one to admit
it.
I talk about it all the time.
But I, oh, I have my faults.
I'm not perfect or anything.
I, you know, I'm too easygoing and I'm not overly ambitious, but then after all, I don't
want to be the, you know, the richest man in the world, you know.
America's big enough for me.
But, you know, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, you know, I announced three weeks ago that
tonight Mary Livingston was going to be on my show, you see.
But unfortunately, we had a postponement because there was a big mix up and everything, you
see.
When the producer asked Mary to be on my show, I told Mary to ask for a lot of money, you
see.
You know, I forgot that I was paying for it.
So instead of Mary, tonight we have Humphrey Bogart as our guest star.
And really, I'm getting him fairly reasonably.
You know how tough he is on the screen?
You know what a tough guy?
Knows nothing about business.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Well anyway, this show that I'm going to do...
Jack!
Jack!
What is it, Bob?
Jack, I want to talk to you a minute.
What is it?
Well, I just heard that you talked with the producer and there's a possibility of my song
being out of this show.
Yeah, well look, Bob, the reason for that is, see, this show is very, very long, you
see.
And we've got to make up our minds whether we take out your song or my jokes, you see.
And then we thought we would do what was best for the show.
Oh, well then my song is in.
No, no, Bob, we felt that it would be much more important, you see, to leave in my jokes.
You mean your jokes are more important than my song?
Yes, yes.
My jokes stay in and your song goes out.
Well, that's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Well, keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Pretty clever line, isn't it?
Yes.
Well, it's in my next TV show.
I'm on TV five times a week.
I thought you were tired.
I can see that.
Now, look at Bob, your song is out and that settles it.
You see, I'm running this show.
I'm the boss.
It's my show and I'm running it, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent.
Well, that's what the critics said about your last show.
What?
Said Bob was good, Jack was bad, and the audience was indifferent.
Look, Bob, go and get ready for the play, will you?
All right.
You know, I can't understand.
He's the toughest guy to get along with.
You know, he's only been with me a short time, you know.
And the only reason I hired him at all was because I wanted him, you know, I wanted him
to introduce me to his brother, Bing.
Then I found out he didn't even know him.
Well, anyway, as I say, the reason, the reason that I've got Humphrey Bogart on this show,
I want to tell you about the play that I'm going to do with Humphrey Bogart, is because
my sponsor called me yesterday, I believe it was, and my sponsor, he's an awfully nice
fellow, and my sponsor told me that he had a feeling, you know, he likes my shows, he
likes my TV shows very, very much, but he had a feeling that I wasn't doing the integrated
commercials.
He said I wasn't making the middle commercials in the show important enough, you know, and
after all, you know, my sponsor's paying the bills and everything, and he has the privilege
of making suggestions, you see.
Of course, I don't have to take the suggestions, you know.
I have the privilege of quitting.
But I don't want to abuse the privilege, so tonight, tonight on this show, in case you
notice that we stress the commercial.
You know I'm doing it.
I'm doing it because...
Jack, what's this I hear about you writing me out of the commercial on this show?
Well, Don, Don, look it.
Am I going to have trouble with you too?
You very well may.
Oh, I very well may.
Well, Don, the reason you're not doing the commercial, see, is because I have another
very important way of doing it.
Now, just a minute, Jack.
What's more important about the commercial than the way I do it?
Look, Don, you don't fit into it this week.
I mean, hurting the script for the sake of your commercial is like, is like, is like
keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Excuse me.
Now, ladies...
Jack, look, don't you know what my doing this commercial means to me?
Now, after all, I'm not a funny man.
I don't tell jokes.
I'm not an actor.
I don't sing songs.
I don't lead a band.
What are you paying me for?
Don, you're hanging yourself.
We'll talk about it later, huh?
The fellow been with me 20 years.
I can't understand why I have so much trouble with everybody in my cast, but everybody,
always complaining, always unhappy.
I don't know.
Maybe if I gave more money, that...
Nah.
Better they should be unhappy than me.
But anyway, well, we've got to get on now with the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, now tonight, we're going to offer a real, real dramatic play called
Baby Face, starring Humphrey Bogart.
On with the show.
This is the 24th Precinct Police Station, situated in the heart of New York's theatrical
district.
This is the detective squad room.
Here crime, with its quick, easy promise, is shorn of its flimsy veneer and revealed
in its sordid, squalid reality.
To this room come people from all walks of life, the flotsam and the jetsam, the hoy
and also the polloy.
The man you see at the typewriter is Detective Sergeant Crosby.
The man looking through the file, standing behind Crosby to his right, which would be
to your left on the screen, or to your right, and his left, or...
Well, anyway, he's Detective Wilson, and he's to everybody's right and left.
You can't miss him.
The men who just came in are Detective O'Brien and a suspect he has just arrested.
Well, where'd you pick this one up, O'Brien?
I picked him up in an alley.
You know what I've done?
I caught him trying to start a fire in a warehouse.
He may be that fire bug we've been looking for.
Take him up and let the captain have a look at him.
God, get in there.
Come on, get in there.
O'Brien was an honest cop.
We could tell that from the clothes he wore.
Incidentally, my name is Lieutenant Benny.
I should be arriving at the office any minute.
Oh, here I come now.
I took off my hat and coat.
I hung them up on the hall tree.
I exchanged a few messages with Wilson and Crosby.
I had heard a funny story last night, and I passed it on to the boys.
Although I was a tough boss and a stickler for work, I had a lot of charm, and the boys
loved me.
I didn't see that.
Hello?
Precinct 24.
Yeah?
Detective Benny speaking.
Just a minute.
385 Madison Avenue, eh?
Window pried open?
Uh-huh.
Screen loose?
No fingerprints.
Must be the cat burglar, all right.
We'll get him.
Oh, the cat burglar again, eh?
Yeah.
It's the 15th cat he stole this week.
It's terrible.
My cat's afraid to go out at night.
I don't blame her.
Hey, Lieutenant, here's Officer Sweeney's report.
You know, he went over to Brooklyn to pick up that strip teaser.
The strip teaser?
That was four days ago.
Yeah, I know, but Sweeney wants to make sure she's guilty before he brings her in.
I tried to arrest her myself, but I couldn't get anything on her.
Better fix up these files.
Well, Slim Finger Sarah.
I caught her over at the Auto-Net.
She was lifting the nickels out of the slots.
There she was again, eh?
You can go, Burke.
I'll take care of her.
Take your filthy hands off me.
Come on.
I said take your filthy hands off me.
All right, all right, don't holler.
This ain't the first time you've been pinched.
You're telling me I'm black and blue all over.
Hey, Lieutenant, wasn't she in here about a month ago?
Yeah, she's the slickest pickpocket in the country.
Operates all over town.
Last time I arrested her was at the zoo.
The zoo?
Yeah.
She picked a baby cat up and took her to the zoo.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
She's a good cat.
Hello Shirley, and this is Sarah.
Yeah, and say Shirley, will you do me a favor?
Yeah, run across to my apartment, will ya?
The mat, uh, the key is under the mat.
And Shirley, there's a pot roast on the stove in the kitchen.
That's right.
Just lower the gas under it, huh?
Yeah, very low. I won't be home for 90 days.
Why didn't you call your lawyer?
You don't like pot roasts.
All right, sit down. I'll take care of you later.
Though you may forget me,
you're still on my mind.
Look over your shoulder,
I'm walking behind.
My song, they cut out.
Maybe you'll forget what a love that's new.
But I shall wish again.
Shut up, will ya?
I was typing out a report on Slimfinger Sarah when the door opened.
And there were Detectives Simmons and Ross.
They had brought in a vicious gunman,
a killer named Babyface Bogart.
I didn't mind the applause he got on his entrance,
but I resented the fact that Crosby and Wilson joined in.
It looked like this time we had Bogart dead to rights.
According to Detectives Simmons and Ross,
a little crook named Blinky Mason had been shot to death.
They picked up Bogart a few yards from the scene of the crime
with a smoking.45 in his hand.
Come over here.
Sit down over there.
Sit down.
All right, Babyface, start talking.
What do you know about Blinky Mason?
I tell you I ain't never heard of no Blinky Mason.
Who cares if he was raised in a tenement and his mother said he was a nice little boy,
or his teacher, a sweet, gray-haired old lady, cried when he graduated,
and his brother, his brother owns a haberdashery store in Schenectady.
I mean, I don't even know his girlfriend, a blonde dame who works in an aircraft factory,
or his boyhood chum that ran away from home and went to Australia.
Wait a minute, Babyface.
If you don't know Blinky Mason, how come you know so much about him?
I seen it on This Is Your Life.
What?
Gee, gee how I cried when they brought in the warden that he hadn't seen for 20 years.
The warden?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, you know they flew that guy all the way out from Sing Sing by TWA.
Shut up, Babyface.
You kill Blinky Mason, I'm gonna get a confession out of you.
Yeah, and how you gonna do that? Beat me?
He very well may.
When Mason was knocked off, you were standing there with a gun.
And listen to this.
I'm walking behind you.
Turn that thing off.
Now what did you do with that gun?
Now wait a minute, before you start any rough stuff, I'm entitled to one phone call, ain't I?
Well, yes.
Okay, give me a dime and I'll run down to the drug store.
Oh, no you don't.
You'll make that phone call right here where I can keep my eye on you.
Yeah, and save a dime.
Yeah.
Hello, Shirley?
Shirley?
Yeah, well listen, listen honey, this is Babyface.
Yeah, well I won't be home till a little later.
Oh, that's too bad.
Now what were we gonna have for dinner, honey?
Pot roast.
I could have told him that.
Like a dirty crook.
Yeah, yeah, now listen, listen, Shirley, I want you to do something for me.
You go in the living room and over by the fireplace, and inside of the fireplace, there's two loose boards.
Now, now listen, you lift up those boards and you stick your arm in, and inside there's a package.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well that's my laundry.
Yeah, listen, I want it back by Friday.
Why didn't you call your lawyer?
Because I don't like the way he does my shirts.
Now look at here.
You killed Blinky Mason, didn't you?
I didn't do it and I got a witness.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
I don't want to hear you guys' questions.
Time for lunch.
I'll go with you.
Oh no, you're not going to leave me alone with this guy.
Get over there and sit down.
All right, baby face, you can start talking now.
I want to hear about that witness.
What about him?
Well, I don't know his name, but he was standing right alongside of me at the time of the murder.
Oh, he was, eh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
What was he doing?
Well, he was just standing there.
He had...
What did he look like?
Well, he was a curly-headed guy.
He was about five foot ten.
He had a gray suit on and brown eyes.
Oh yeah?
What color hair?
He was bald.
Wait a minute.
You said he was a curly-headed guy.
That's right.
No hair, just a curly head.
I ain't buying that, baby face.
Start singing.
I'm walking behind you.
Not you!
Let's get back to that witness again.
What was he doing?
Well, he was, eh...
He was holding a cigarette in his hand.
Yeah?
What kind of a cigarette?
I said what kind of a cigarette?
Well, he was, eh...
I ain't gonna talk.
I said what kind of a cigarette?
All right, all right.
It was a lucky strike.
Now we're getting somewhere.
A lucky strike, eh?
What made you think it was a lucky strike?
I ain't talking.
What made you think it was a lucky strike?
Because it was so round, so fine, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw.
Can you remember that, Wilson?
Are you kidding?
One more question, baby face.
What was he doing with that cigarette?
He was peeling it.
Peeling it, eh?
How'd you know it wasn't a banana?
Because he let me taste it.
It was a lucky strike, all right, because...
Luckies taste bad.
Pretty, no fresh, it's moldy.
Lucky strike, lucky strike.
All right.
What else?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing, no nothing beats better taste.
I knew we'd get him to talk.
Lock him up, fellas.
All right, all right, get him up.
Get over there, you two.
I swore to get you, Benny.
Why?
Because you've always, you never leave me alone, because you've been hounding me, just because I pulled a couple of lousy murders.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to put a red eye between them two blue ones.
Where'd you get the gun?
You didn't frisk me so good when I came in, did you?
No, no, when I put my hand in your pocket, I found a dollar bill, and I got so excited, I didn't look at it.
Look at, look at baby face.
Look at, I'm not mad at you or anything.
Look at, I'm, I don't want to die.
Look at, I'm too young to die.
Honest, I am.
I'm a nice guy, I'll live you alone.
Everybody loves me.
Everybody.
You love me, don't you, fellas?
Alright, alright, copper, start praying, I'm going to let you have it.
Oh yeah?
I know your type, baby face.
You're all alike.
You're pretty brave with that gun in your hand, ain't you?
Throw that gun away, I'll show you a coward.
Okay.
How about that?
Come on, Sarah, let's go get that pot roast.
Be my guest.
I'm walking behind you.
Jack will be back in just a moment with his special guest Humphrey Bogart, but first, a word from Carthy Collins.
Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, and the fact of the matter is...
Luckies taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother.
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, richer, tastier, fine tobacco.
Luckies taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother.
Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike.
Sure, Luckies taste better.
Everybody knows Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
Fine, light, mild tobacco that just naturally tastes better.
And Luckies are made better.
They're round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly.
With fine tobacco in a better made cigarette, golly, you're just bound to get better taste.
Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, you know, and the fact of the matter is...
Luckies taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother.
Eaily, Lucky Strike, Eaily, Lucky Strike.
When the sketch was over, I found that I had enjoyed it even more than my radio show.
I was laughing so much I could hardly thank Humphrey Bogart for helping me give such a great performance.
Bogie told me that he thought he had handled his role extremely well.
He believes in being honest with himself, too.
Then he told me about his new picture, Beat the Devil, with Jennifer Jones.
Then I told him about the last picture I made.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell the audience that I'll be doing my next television show in three weeks.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be with you three weeks from today.
And I believe, I'm pretty sure my guest star is going to be Johnny Ray.
You see, I feel that I'm responsible for Johnny Ray's success.
Because when I offered him a job a long time ago, he asked me for an awful lot of money and I cried.
And then he stole that from me.
So he's going to be my guest. Thank you very much.
The
pairing on tonight's program were Sarah Berner and Benny Rubin.
Remember, one week from tonight on this same station,
Dan Southern returns in Private Secretary.
The Jack Benny program has been brought to you by Lucky Strike,
product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.
This is Don Wilson saying, be happy, go lucky.
Sunday's Ed Sullivan's Toast of the Town on the CBS Television Network.