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Peel, the amazing liquid dentiflous, brings you the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley.
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Remember friends, for beautiful smiles it's P-E-E-L Peel and just for laughs it's R-I-L-E-Y Riley and the life of Riley.
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If you're meeting Chester A. Riley tonight for the first time, be prepared for a happy man who goes out of his way to change that condition.
It's lunchtime at the California Aircraft Plant where Riley is employed as a riveter.
He usually spends this hour chatting with his co-worker and friendly rival Jim Gillis.
Today however, Gillis is strangely silent.
Hey Gillis.
Yeah, yeah?
What's that you got there?
Oh, this Riley is something to which a type like you never comes in contact with.
It's a book.
And I'm reading it.
Ha, don't kid me Gillis, you ain't reading. I've watched you for the last five minutes, you ain't even moved a lip.
What's that book about?
It's about how to run a big factory. I'm taking that examination next week.
What examination?
Oh, the big boss Stevenson's trying out a new system.
When a better job opens up, they ain't going to just promote a guy at ransom.
See, everybody who wants takes the exam and the winner gets the job and a raise.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard about that. Waste of time.
That's the trouble with you Riley. You don't look ahead. You don't try to improve yourself financially.
Oh, financially I'm sitting pretty. I'm only three months behind with my rent.
I'm satisfied with what I got here.
You're satisfied, but is your family satisfied with what they got?
You bet they're satisfied with me.
My wife Peg and Nathan married 17 years. We had two kids and she ain't said one word about annulling the marriage.
You know Riley, I made the same mistake you're making. I thought my family respected me too.
And then one day I heard a lecture on self-analysis. The professor said, go look at yourself.
So I went and took a look at myself.
Sickening, wasn't it?
Very humorous. Believe me, it woke me up. I began to notice the little things.
What little things?
Oh, little cracks my family was making. Little dicks. You hardly noticed them dicks.
Keep your ears open Riley and you'll find out why your family don't respect you.
I know now why they don't respect me. I mean, they do respect me.
Go ahead Gillis, study. If you want to be a fig shark, that's no skin off my nose.
A little skin off of your nose wouldn't hurt.
At least I got my nose trained. It keeps out of other people's business.
All I said was listen to see if they make them little dicks, that's all.
I will not listen, Gillis. You're always trying to worry me. Always putting ideas into my head.
And I don't like it. There's no room in my head for ideas.
Oh, Babs, get your father's slippers. I see him coming up the wall.
Right away, mother.
My the poor darling. He looks so tired.
Yeah, poor Pop works like a horse.
Yes, and Junior, don't you and Babs ever forget he does it for us.
Oh, I know mom. But soon as I'm old enough, I'm getting a swell job. Then Pop can be a loafer.
Junior, the word is retire.
Hmm, well that's what I meant. A retired loafer.
Oh, I better fold up the paper. Pop likes it nice and neat.
Peg, I'm home.
Oh, we're in here, dear.
Oh, hello, Duncan.
Hello, Riley.
Hi, Junior.
Hi, Pop. Hey, your shoelace is untied.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
Nice, and you got some new ones, dear. Oh, those are full of knots.
Peg, is that a dig at the way I look?
Hmm? Dig? Well, what do you mean, Roddy?
Just remember, Peg, it ain't a man's feet that count. It's what goes on at his other end.
Here, here, let me tie it for you, Pop, so you won't have to bend.
What's the matter? You think I'm getting old? I can tie my own shoelaces.
There. See?
My, you look funny when your hair falls all over your eyes like that.
Oh, so now I look funny? Ugly, maybe.
Well, for heaven's sake, Riley, don't be so touchy.
Oh, now I'm touchy. Nothing but digs.
Oh, mother, dear, the... Oh, oh, hello, Daddy. I didn't see you at first.
You didn't see me? I'm sitting right here out in the open. Now I got no personality.
What, Daddy?
Don't let it pass. Only when your father comes in the house, Dad, it ain't very nice to act like somebody just went out.
Oh, Daddy, you're silly. Here's a big kiss for you. My, you need a shave.
Well, now I'm a big flop.
Peg, the least your children can do is show a little respect for their father.
Well, what's gotten into you? Stop acting like an elephant with a sore ear.
Now I got elephant ears. More little digs.
What are you talking about anyway?
Okay, okay, I can take a hint. I ain't neat. I'm old. I'm touchy. I'm ugly. I got no personality. And I got ears like an elephant.
Well, why don't you say it? Go ahead, say it.
Say what, Daddy?
What you've been thinking? If I hadn't married your mother and we didn't have you two kids, you'd never have even let me into this family.
Ears like an elephant. I'll remember that. An elephant never forgets.
Riley, oh Riley.
Huh? Who's that?
It's me, Riley. Your conscience.
Oh, well beat it, conscience.
You're always pestering me. It's like last March when I was filling out my income tax.
Yes, I had quite a battle convincing you that you can't list a slot machine as a dependent.
Get away from me. I've got enough trouble.
I know, Riley. You're worried that maybe Gillis was right about your family. They don't respect you.
After all I've done for them.
Just what did you ever do for them?
I give them anything they want. Only yesterday, Junior asked me for a dime and I gave it to him.
Yes, but you made him give you two nickels for it. And last week when your poor wife wanted a new hat, she didn't get it.
Oh, I was broke.
That's what you say.
Honest I was. From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, I was flat.
Then why don't you do something about it? Get a better job.
How can I?
Go back to night school and study for the exam. Unless you'd rather have your family ashamed of you.
Oh, I couldn't stand that. I'll go back. I'll study. I'll pass that exam.
That's the spirit, Riley.
I'll be a big success someday. I'll prove that my wife wasn't throwing away her money when she spent her last two bucks for our marriage license.
Say, Pop, it's time for night school. You don't want to be late the first time.
Oh, no, that's right, Junior. I've got to go. I don't want to get in the wrong with my teacher, Miss Jessup. She's taking charge of the exam at the plant.
Oh, how come?
Well, the boss wanted a real teacher to handle it, see.
You think you stand a chance for the job, Pop?
I don't know, but I'll study. I'm going to work my head to the bone.
Riley, why are you going through all this? Aren't you happy with the job you have now?
Well, sure, Peck, but that ain't the point. I want this family to get something.
I want my daughter, Beth, to be the best dressed girl in school and get elected to the best fraternity.
Pop sorority.
Oh, that's right. I ain't forgotten you either, son. You'll be elected to the best sorority.
If you can fix that, I'm going to like college.
Well, Riley, you're sweet to worry about it. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Oh, thanks, Humbert. Well, I'm off to climb the tree of knowledge,
and I won't be satisfied until I'm hanging from the highest bridge.
The Highest Bridge
And now, Pop, let's begin your first session at night school with a very simple type of algebra problem.
Come in.
Good evening, Miss Jessup. Teacher?
Oh, Mr. Riley. Tell me, what are you doing here?
I come to get educated.
I repeat, what are you doing here?
Your record last year was unbelievably deplorable.
Well, don't worry, teacher. This year is going to be believable.
I've got a reason to work hard now. I want to take that test for the new job at my plant.
Oh, you are? Well, now, that's most commendable. I told you my very best to help you.
Oh, thank you, teacher. I hear that you're in charge of that exam.
Yes, that's correct.
You're going to mark our papers on the exams, too, I guess, huh?
Naturally. Now, take your seat, please.
Oh, by the way, teacher, I have a little something for you.
Here, I hope you can use a pair of nylons.
Nylons? Oh, thank you, Mr. Riley.
Mr. Riley, I trust this gift has no bearing on the exam.
You know that I would never allow myself to be influenced.
Oh, no, no, no.
You got me wrong. I'm giving you these nylons because you're so, so lovable.
Well, in that case, I see no reason why I shouldn't accept your little gift.
And, Mr. Riley, there seems to be only one starting here.
You get the other one after I pass the exam.
He was just brought to the first act of the life of Riley,
and we'll be back with night school student Riley in just a moment.
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And now back to the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley.
Well, Riley has been going to night school to prepare for the important exam that's being given at the plant where he works.
The worker making the best mark gets promoted to a better job with a raise in pay.
Now the time has come and poor scared Riley is walking to the examination room where he's stopped by a shifty-eyed man named Benny.
Riley, just a minute.
Oh, hello, Benny. Benny, is that the room where they give the exam?
Yeah.
You've taken it, Riley?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've got to go in now.
Hey, listen, Riley, you want a tip on today's winners?
Well, you know I never bet on horses, Benny. I've got to go inside now.
Oh, you've got me wrong, Riley. I'm branching out. Instead of the ponies, I'm in the educational racket.
Now I've got here.
No, I've got to go, Benny. I'm almost late.
Better late than helpless, chum.
Listen, you're taking the exam to win, ain't you?
So I can put you under a good thing, straight from the feed box. I got here all the winning answers, right here on this little cheat sheet.
What? Well, Benny, how did you get the answers?
Oh, I know my way around. Same as at the track. Now with these here answers, you'll win by ten lengths.
Slip me two bucks and it's yours. But it ain't honest.
What do you mean it ain't honest? I take a note. These are the correct answers.
Come on, Riley, slip me a douche. This is a sure thing.
No, no, I ain't no cheater. Anyhow, I ain't got no dough.
I hate to see a lovely character like you get left at the post. But I'll tell you what I'll do. And put these answers here in your pocket, see?
No, no, no, I don't want it. Take it back.
It's in your pocket. Why make it first? If you don't use it, you owe me nothing. If you do and it pays off, I'll see you around for my cut. So long, chum. Keep your nose out in front and ride to win.
No, no, Benny, come here. Take it back. Benny, I don't want it now.
Who's making all this noise? Oh, it's you, Mr. Riley. If you are not inside in ten seconds, I won't permit you to take the exam.
Oh, wait, Miss Jessup, please. I've been training for this race. You can't scratch me now.
Only two minutes more, then pack on your papers.
Two minutes? Two minutes. Four answers to go. Oh, gee, these are tough. I'll never make it. There's only one way I can get these answers and win.
Ah, ah, ah, Riley.
Listen, conscience, beat it with you.
Riley, don't touch that cheat sheet.
I ain't touching it.
You're pulling it out of your pocket. Put it back.
I can't. It won't let go.
Riley, don't look at it.
Just one little peek. It's not for me. It's for my wife and kids.
They'd rather have you lose than cheat.
They won't know unless you shoot your big mouth off. I've got to be a success. That new job means more money.
How can you spend money you get by cheating?
I'll force myself.
Think of your family. They'll hate you if they find out.
You're right. You're right. I mustn't do it. I won't cheat.
Throw that cheat away.
Yeah. Yeah, look, I'm throwing it away.
Mr. Riley, what's that you just took out of your pocket?
Ah, ah, ah, my hand.
And what is in your hand?
Ah, ah, five fingers. A thumb, a pinky, and a few middle fingers.
Let me see that paper you took out of your pocket.
Oh, wait. I'll read it to you.
Never mind. I'll read it myself, thank you.
Here's Miss Jessup.
Oh, I was afraid of this. Mr. Riley, I never thought you'd stoop low enough to cheat.
No. No, I didn't cheat. I took it out to throw it away, Miss Jessup. Honest.
Mr. Riley, hand in your examination paper.
Yes, teacher.
Now, now you can go. I shall report your disgraceful conduct to your employer, Mr. Stevenson.
But I didn't cheat.
Please leave this room.
Okay. I'll go.
I just want to say one thing. You're accusing me of being a cheat.
But I say like Captain John Smith said to Polka Hottest before she chopped his head off.
You're hanging an innocent man.
Is that you, Riley?
Hello, Dumplin.
Hello, Daddy.
How did the exam go this morning, dear?
Uh, it went.
Well, that's fine. I bet you can't wait for the results.
I can wait.
Is that you, Junior?
Yeah, it's me.
Why, Junior, dear, you've got a black eye.
Oh, gee, what a shyness.
Junior, how many times have I told you not to go around fighting? Who was it?
Shorty Gillis. But I had to do it.
You've got no business.
I did it for you, Pop.
I can fight Shorty myself.
What do you mean you did it for me?
Well, well, he called you a name. He said you were a cheater.
Forget it, Junior. Go wash your face.
Just a minute, Junior. He called your father a cheat?
Yeah, he said the...
Okay, Junior, that's enough. Peg, I guess I might as well tell you myself.
What happened, Daddy?
Well, at the exam this morning, Miss Jessop accused me of cheating.
Cheating? Why, that's ridiculous.
What made her do that?
I don't know. Just because she found the answers in my hand.
Oh, oh, yes.
But it was an accident. I just happened to pick it up.
But where did it come from, Daddy?
Well, my pocket.
Oh, your pocket?
But I wasn't cheating, honest. I swear, I was going to throw it away, you see.
Riley, if you say you didn't cheat, that's good enough for us. We believe you.
Of course we do.
And your word's good enough for us, even if you did it.
Gee, gee, you're a wonderful family. I don't deserve such a wonderful family.
Oh, now, now, dear, don't talk like that.
Well, it's true. I disgraced you. The whole neighborhood will know from Gillis that scandal mongrel.
And only that's my borsal probably, fire me for this.
Well, I don't care. The main thing is you didn't do it.
Now, come on, dear, eat your supper. You'll feel better.
No, Peg, I ain't got no appetite. I'm going outside and blow my brains out.
Riley!
No, just with some fresh air.
Oh, there, Riley.
Huh? Who's that?
It is I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker.
Oh, hello, Digger.
You're looking fine, Riley. Very natural.
Oh, maybe so, but that ain't the way I feel.
Tell me, Digger, were you ever in a tight spot where you didn't know which way to turn, sort of all boxed in?
Not I personally, but I know what you mean.
And what's troubling you, Riley?
Well, I don't feel like talking about it, Digger.
Oh, you know me, Riley. I'm your friend.
If you're trying to hide something, I'll be glad to cover you up.
Well, you see, Digger, I took an exam this morning.
Ah, examination. Last minute cramming the night before.
Your heart palpitating wildly as you entered the classroom.
Your brain frantic-alas searching for the answer.
Lest you fail and be in disgrace.
I adore examinations.
That's okay.
Well, this one wasn't. I was accused of cheating, but I didn't. I swear, Digger, I...
No, you wouldn't cheat, Riley. I've known you for years, and you've always been honest and above ground.
You mean above board.
Above ground is better, believe me.
The worst of it is, this exam was run by the plant and now my boss will probably fire me.
Oh, my word. I just saw your boss a few moments ago going into your house with Miss Jessup.
My house? They come to fire me. I know it. I've got to get home. I need that job.
If I have to, I'll get down on my knees and beg for it.
No, Riley, be a man. Beat him to the punch. Resign before he fires you.
You're right, Digger. I've got my pride.
Speak right out. Tell him you don't have to take his cup, even if he is the kingpin.
Kingpin.
And head of the plant.
And head of the plant. That's just what I'll say. And someday he'll be sorry. He'll beg me to come back.
That's right. So just be patient, like I am.
In my profession, we have a saying, everyone comes to him who waits.
Cheerio.
I'm sure Riley will be home in a few minutes, Mr. Stevenson, if you don't mind waiting.
Why, why not at all, Mrs. Riley.
I imagine the incident this morning upset him considerably.
My goodness, Jess, he was afraid he was going to be fired.
Well, that's just like Riley, imagining the worst. Well, he's got nothing to worry about on that score.
Oh, Riley, I'm so glad you're home. Mr. Stevenson's here to talk.
I see him.
Yes, Riley, how are you tonight?
All through the talking around here, Stevenson. I resign. You can keep your measly job. I wouldn't work for you if you paid me.
What? Riley, what are you saying?
Now hold on a minute, Riley.
I don't have to take no gust from you, even if you are the kingpinhead of the plant.
Riley, what are you saying?
No, Peg, I got my bride.
Just a moment, Mr. Riley.
Yes, teacher?
If you'd allow Mr. Stevenson to get a word in, you'd learn that he's not here to fire you.
Well, wait a minute. Do you mean I'm not fired?
Of course not. You've still got your job.
Yes, Riley, and you can have it for life. What a revolting development this is.
We realize that you have an opportunity to cheat this morning, but we know now that you didn't. I'm proud of you, Mr. Riley.
Well, so am I. But how did you find out that I didn't cheat?
Well, that sheet I caught you with had all the right answers. Yet when I read your paper, I discovered that you were the only one who had every answer wrong.
All of them?
Every single one.
Every answer wrong?
Isn't that marvelous?
It just goes to show, it pays to be ignorant.
The Rallies will be back in half a minute. If you're smart, you'll start using teal on your toothbrush right away. Teal instead of toothpaste or powder.
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