A beautiful smile, the life of Riley for laughs.
T-E-E-L
Teal, T-E-E-L, Teal, the amazing liquid dentifrice.
That's it, T-E-E-L.
Teal, the amazing liquid dentifrice, brings you the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley.
Remember friends, for beautiful smiles it's T-E-E-L Teal.
And just for laughs it's R-I-L-E-Y Riley and the life of Riley.
T-E-E-L
Chester Ray Riley, California aircraft worker, has a big heart and a mouth to match.
When he opens both at the same time the Riley's are headed for trouble.
At the moment Riley and his friend and neighbor Jim Gillis are walking home together from the weekly meeting of their lodge.
Ah brother Riley that was a beautiful meeting we had tonight. Yeah Gillis, truly touching.
Believe me Riley, there ain't no brotherhood like the brotherhood of the B-P-L-A.
Yeah, I'm sure proud to be a member of the Brooklyn Patriots of Los Angeles.
You know Riley, before I joined myself to the lodge I was always lonesome.
Nobody knows what I suffered. Oh I know, I had times when I suffered too.
But now that I'm in the lodge I'm insufferable.
Yeah, it's like it says in our sacred initiation ceremony.
The lone wolves sail into the happy harbor where they fail their anchors in the ocean of devotion.
Where the fountain of fidelity sprays us all with the milk of human kindness.
And the flower of brotherly love flourishes forever in the fertilizer of friendship.
Poetical ain't it? Yeah, it makes your throat fill up with a lump of sediment.
Give me your hand Gillis old pal, the grip of brotherhood. Shake. Shake Riley.
And now let's repeat the oath of everlasting brotherhood.
Finger to finger, thumb to thumb. If I should forsake you call me a bum.
Nothing will ever come between us Riley. No.
We'll all be... hey, hey what's the matter Riley?
Look, look Gillis, that house down the block, something's wrong.
Where, where? Right next to my...
Gillis, that's your house, it's on fire. Fire, holy smoke.
Look, there's the firemen, they're taking out your furniture.
There's one carrying your moose head.
That ain't no moose head, that's my wife.
Well Gillis old pal, how are you enjoying your first supper at the Riley Dome of Saddle, huh?
Brother Riley, it was great of you inviting us to live with you folks
while our house is being fixed.
Pass to me. Yeah.
Gee Mr. Riley, you were a lifesaver with the housing shortage.
Oh that didn't faze me, Egbert. You folks were homeless.
So I started searching my head and found a vacancy.
Please pass the salt Peg. Here you are dear.
Thank you.
Are you comfortable there honeybee?
Well Peg, it is kind of crowded, seven of us in this tiny little breakfast nook.
Oh now crowded is putting a little too strong.
I'd say it was cozy.
Junior, stop jabbing your eye into Gillis's fork.
Lean over towards me.
Okay, Pop, I didn't want to crowd you.
Well who's crowded? I ain't having no trouble eating.
Riley, you're eating off of my plate.
Oh excuse me honeybee. Here you take a nibble off of mine.
I'm not one to criticize, especially when I'm a guest in somebody's house,
but I do think we might have eaten in the dining room.
But Mrs. Gillis, we had to take the dining room table out
to set up a bed for you and Mr. Gillis.
Yeah, Babs is right.
Anyway, what's all the fuss about? It ain't the least bit crowded.
Junior, get off my lap.
Oh I'll get it Riley, I'm expecting a call.
Excuse me Junior, excuse me Babs, excuse me Peg.
Hello? Who? Oh just a minute.
Excuse me Peg, excuse me Babs, excuse me Junior.
It's for you Riley.
Oh for me. Excuse me honeybee, excuse me Egbert, excuse me.
Excuse me Egbert, excuse me Peg.
Hello? Chester Riley speaking.
Oh, oh yeah well that's all right. No, no harm done. Goodbye.
Excuse me Peg, excuse me Egbert, excuse me honeybee.
Who was it daddy? Wrong number.
Pass the mashed potatoes honeybee.
Oh, oh, Jim's seats here. Will you be able to eat them with your new pivot too?
Those potatoes are lumpy.
Well, nobody ever said that before about my potatoes.
I don't think they're lumpy mama.
You keep quiet Egbert.
Now, now, now girls, what's a couple of lumps?
Why I like lumps in my potatoes. It breaks the monotony.
Oh my Peggy, you certainly got them well trained. Of course my family is simply spoiled by good food.
Yeah, we take from the delicatessen.
Oh, now, dumpling, easy on those dishes.
Honeybee's laying down, she's not eating.
Headache my foot. It'll disappear just as soon as the dishes are done.
Oh, that woman.
No, no, no, take it easy dumpling.
After all their house will be cleaned up in two weeks and they ain't gonna be here much longer.
Only 13 days.
But daddy, Mrs. Gillis hadn't done a thing all day except complain.
And she's got all her laundry soaking in the bathtub.
Where are we supposed to bathe in the sink?
Nothing suits that honeybee. Lumps in the mattress, lumps in the potatoes.
Now, don't worry, I'll smooth everything over.
I'll be a nervous wreck in two weeks.
Now, you tell Gillis they'll have to look for another place the first thing in the morning.
But Dumplin.
You heard me Riley.
But Dumplin, I can't do that to Gillis.
Why, why we took the vow of marriage.
Why, why we took the vow of everlasting love.
If I remember, when you married me you took a few vows too.
Yeah, I know, but this one is serious.
What?
Okay, okay, I'll talk to Gillis.
Look Riley, I want to apologize for honeybee at the table.
She should never have made them cracks about the mashed potatoes.
That's right.
If she didn't like them she shouldn't have lumped them.
And now that you've brought up the subject, you see Peg, she, well, she, well it's kind of hard for me to say this, but I understand.
Let me say it for you. Peg wants us to go.
Well, not exactly, only she's perfectly right.
She is?
Of course.
Better for my family to be homeless on the street than I should inconvenience my dearest brother.
Oh no, Gillis.
Oh yes Riley.
After all, if waste comes to the waste we can always sleep in the park.
The park?
And if my egg boy with his delicate chest catches pneumonia, I know you'll let me use your phone to call the ambulance.
Well, I guess I'll pack.
No, no, no, no, I won't let you go, Gillis.
Oh please stay, I'm begging you.
Well, as a favor to my dearest brother, I'll stay.
But only on my own terms.
Oh, anything you say, Gillis, anything, how much do you want?
I don't want nothing. As a matter of fact, I want to pay half of your rent here.
Oh, Gillis, you're so sweet, but I wouldn't consider it.
You, you couldn't force me to take money from a brother.
Here's the twenty dollars, take it.
Okay, Gillis, you forced me.
And I'll never forget what you're doing for me.
Here's the twenty, Riley.
Thanks.
And now since money has changed hands between brothers, I'm taking the oath of everlasting honesty.
Hand to hand, knee to knee.
My brother's weight is enough for me.
And now, Brother Riley, would you mind writing out a receipt for the twenty?
Well, all the crazy things.
Instead of doing what I tell you to, you let him talk you into paying half of our rent.
Now you go give him back that money this minute.
But, Dumplin, I told you I can't.
I took an oath and I gave him a receipt.
Besides, it won't work out fine, you'll see.
After all, we can't force him out on the street.
I know that. I just want you to tell him to start looking for another place.
If you don't, I just know we'll all be at each other's throats and I won't have it.
But, Dumplin, you...
Please stop shouting like that. I told you I have a terrible headache.
Well, of all the nerve.
Honeybee, I guess I can talk in my own home.
Now wait a second.
Hey, hey, what's your trouble here, Riley?
No, it's nothing, Gillis.
Look, look, Honeybee, why can't we all try...
Riley, kindly don't shout at my wife.
After all, I'm entitled to a little peace and quiet in my own home.
Your home? Well, I like...
Wait, wait, no, wait a minute now. Let me handle this.
Brother Gillis, you mean my home.
You're using the wrong predicate.
Remember, you're my guest in correction.
I am a co-tenant.
Co-tenant?
And according to this receipt, which you signed,
I am entitled to the full privileges of the said status.
So don't forget it, you dumb cluck.
Dumb cluck?
So that's a fine way for a fellow lodge brother to talk.
Well, I'm certainly glad I got your number.
From now on, you ain't my fellow brother.
You're my fellow skunk.
Now look, I don't want no arguments, Riley.
I am entitled to half of this house and I am gonna get that.
Yeah, but you...
Hey, Gillis, stop that.
What's the idea of marking up our rug with that piece of chalk?
Don't you step over this chalk line, Riley.
Over here is my house.
Oh, well, that's okay with me, but I'm taking the radio and my house...
You lay a hand on that radio and I'm grabbing the icebox.
Oh, Riley, do something.
Don't worry, Peg, I'm emptying the icebox.
I'll show you, Gillis.
And don't ever let me catch you sitting in my Marist chair, Riley.
Well, don't ever let me catch you sitting in my bathtub.
Oh, Riley, stop it.
I know what I'm doing, Peg.
I'm through with you, Gillis.
And what's more, I'm taking the brotherly oath of everlasting enmity.
That suits me fine.
Shake, shake.
Knuckle to knuckle, claw to claw.
Cross my path and I'll break your jaw.
Gill has just brought you the first act of the life of Riley,
and we'll be back with Riley in just a moment.
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And now back to the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley.
When a slight fire temporarily drove the Gillis family out of their house,
good-natured Riley invited them to move in with the Riley's for two weeks.
But crowded conditions soon brought on friction.
Riley was about to order Gillis out when Gillis tricked him into accepting half the rent,
thus making them co-tenants.
Now the house is a house divided.
Babs, how are Pop and Mr. Gillis getting along in the living room?
I'm worried. Sounds too quiet.
Edward, open the door and listen.
Okay, Babs.
Riley, kindly stop smoking that cigar.
I will not. I'm smoking a cigar on my side of the chalk line.
But you're blowing the smoke through your nose and that happens to be on my side of the chalk.
Well, if you don't like my smoke, do me a favor. Stop breathing.
If you don't put out that cigar, I'll arrange for you to stop breathing.
Exactly.
Gosh, Babs, if this keeps up, Pop and Mr. Gillis will be murdering each other.
Oh, gee, I wish our parents would grow up.
We just got to find a place for my folks.
I know, but where?
Oh, well, there must be a vacancy somewhere.
Yeah, let's take my father's car and start hunting.
Oh, you kids can't drive?
Sure we can. I steer and Junior shifts gears.
I'll do the driving. Come on.
I'll show that Gillis what's to be boss in my house over my dead body.
Oh, there Riley, were you addressing me?
Huh? Who's that?
It is I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker.
Going my way.
Hello, Digger.
Greetings, Riley. You're looking fine. Very natural.
Digger, what are you doing around here?
Oh, I've just come from the annual meeting of the UEPWLC.
The UEPWLC?
Yes, the Undertakers Embalmers and Forebearers Weightlifting Club.
An athletic organization. Oh, today we had a lovely party, a long party.
Ah, that's nice. It's always good when people can get along nice with each one another.
And we played my favorite game. You know, the one you play with a mallet and wooden balls? Croak it.
Yeah, nice game. Digger, I'm in a jam. I need a lawyer. Do you have a lawyer?
Oh, naturally, I have too. In my business there are a lot of dead beats.
But they don't frighten me. I fight every one of them right down to the ground.
Tell me, why do you need a barrister?
Oh, I don't need a barrister unless maybe this barrister knows a good lawyer.
You see, my neighbor is making trouble.
Someday I'd like to find myself next to a neighbor who don't bother me, who don't look at me, who don't even talk to me.
Don't worry, someday you will.
But tell me Riley, who is this obstreperous neighbor?
Gillis.
Oh, but Riley, you and Gillis were boyhood pals.
Yeah, but now we're manhood enemies. Boy, he sure changed since the old days back in Brooklyn.
Those were the days.
Ah, Brooklyn, bloody noses and battered heads on Ebbets Field,
pointing out an empty seat in the subway to an old white haired lady and then racing her for it.
Burying your wife in the sand at the beach and forgetting where you buried her.
I adore Brooklyn. It's okay.
I don't care what happened in the past. I'm kicking Gillis out of my house even if he did pay me half the rent.
He did?
Yeah.
Oh, then you have no legal rights. As we say in my profession, the case is closed.
Well, I'm opening it.
Well, but if you bind yourself in a hole, don't blame it on me.
Well, cheerio. I'd better be shoveling off.
We might as well go home, kid.
Yeah, I guess so, sis. Gosh, we must have been to every hotel in town.
Maybe if my mama wore slacks, we could get into the YMCA.
Don't be dumb, Egbert.
Well, listen, what's wrong with the motor?
Uh-oh, we're out of gas. Look, the gauge says-
Look out, Babs, that truck.
Oh, I bumped that truck. What a place to park.
You women drivers.
Hey, what's the matter?
Uh-oh, here comes a cop. Now we're in for it.
Well, what's happened here?
I had a bad...safari, officer.
Now, now, no need to get nervous, young lady. Nobody's hurt.
Just a little paint off your fender.
Is this your father's car?
It's his boy's father's.
Well, let's have a look at your driver's license, please.
My license? Oh, I left it home in my purse. We're out of gas.
Now, take it easy. We'll just phone your father and have him bring it down.
Come on, let's go across the street. We can use the phone in that hospital.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's you, Riley. You woke me up.
Next time, don't slam the door like that.
That settles it.
Jules, pack up and get out.
Ha! I'm sneering at you, Riley.
According to our agreement-
Jules, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
According to our agreement-
Jules, I'm through mincing words.
If you don't get out, I'm gonna mince you.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Okay, you asked for it.
If you ain't out of here by the time I take my coat off,
I'm picking you up bodily and throwing you out.
There. I got it off, see?
Now I'll-
You'll what?
I'm putting it on, see?
It is addressed in here.
But if you ain't outta here by...
Hello.
Hello, is this Chester A. Riley?
Yeah.
This is Police Officer Harris.
I've got three youngsters here.
Barbara and Junior Riley and Egbert Gillis.
Yeah, that's our kids.
Well, they were driving a Blue Sea Dan and they bumped into a truck-
What? Where are they?
At the Jefferson Hospital, but there's-
Hospital? I'll be right there!
But wait, see-
I'm coming!
What is it?
Our kids, your car, a terrible accident, the hospital.
Hospital?
Oh my goodness!
Yeah, come on, quick, to the hospital!
Oh, Brother Riley!
Oh, Brother Gillis!
Faster!
Faster, Gillis, faster!
I'm driving as fast as I can, Riley.
Besides, you're driving.
Oh, Gillis, we're to blame for this.
If we hadn't made our home life miserable,
those kids wouldn't be out all hours of the night in a car.
Yeah, it's all our fault.
Gillis, I swear, if our kids pull through this,
I'll never fight with you again.
I swear I'll love you to your dying day.
And I'll love you even after that.
Oh, my poor egg boy, my only male son.
If anything happens to him,
who's going to carry on the name of Gillis?
My beautiful Babsy, my sweet Junior.
Gillis, Gillis, what if they're hurt awful bad?
Maybe they'll need a transfusion.
Oh, don't cry.
We'll give them every drop of blood we got in our bodies.
Oh, why did I cut myself shaving this morning?
I may run short.
Don't worry. I'll lend you some of my blood.
Well, oh, thanks, Brother Gillis.
Don't worry. We'll save him.
Hurry up, Gillis. We're almost at the hospital.
Let's start getting undressed for the transfusion.
Gee, I wish Daddy would hurry up and get here.
Gosh, I'm sleepy.
Well, you all look tired.
Now, why don't you kids go in the waiting room and stretch out, huh?
All right. Thanks, Arthur.
Yeah, sounds swell.
Gee, we used up all my father's gas.
I bet he'll kill me.
Ah, poor kids.
They've probably got the kind of cheap fathers who buy half a gallon of gas at a time.
I'm just a rally. Quick, where are they?
Inside. It's about time you got here.
Yeah, well, everything's gonna be okay.
We brought it with us.
How much do they need, a pint?
A pint?
I was right about you fellas.
What good is a pint?
All right, then a quart. A quart will be enough, huh?
Yeah.
What kind of fathers are you?
The least you can do is squeeze out enough for a couple of gallons.
Gallons.
Jules, they're done for.
Oh, Pap, Junior.
My egg boy. So sweet. So handsome.
So there they are, kids.
Hiya, Pap.
Hi, Papa.
Yes, Junior. What are you doing out here?
Get back into your bandages.
Bandages? Daddy, we just ran out of gas.
You ran out of...
You mean you ain't hurt?
Well, we thought you were hurt.
We brought all our blood with us.
Oh. Oh, what a relief.
Oh, egg boy, my angel.
Wait till I get you home, I'll wham the daylights out of you.
Oh, Pap, Junior, I'm so happy you're okay.
Oh, gosh, Daddy, we're sorry we gave you a scare.
Gee. Gee, we're a couple of lucky guys, Riley.
Yeah. Yeah, you said it.
But remember, Brother Gillis, we're pals for life.
Brother Riley, this calls for the oath of everlasting loyalty.
Shake, shake.
Fingers to fingers, skin to skin,
we're stuck with each other through thick and thin.
Riley will be back in half a minute.
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You know, Riley, I wish our wives would make up like we did.
Yeah, Gillis, why don't they be like us men, sisters under the skin?
Oh, hello, Riley.
Don't play. Honeybee.
They're together.
Of course we went to the movies.
Just because you men act like children doesn't mean we have to.
You mean that you're talking?
You're friends? You don't despise each other?
Of course not. We love each other.
What a revolting development this is.
Crocker and Gamble, makers of TEEL, the amazing liquid dentiflous,
invite you to be their guests next week to hear the life of Riley
with William Bendix as Riley.
William Bendix appears by arrangement with Hal Roach
and may soon be seen in Paramount's The Blue Dahlia.
The life of Riley is produced for TEEL by Irving Brecker
and is directed by Don Bernard, music by Lou Koslov.
The script is by Ashmead Scott, Alan Lipscoth, and Ruben Schip.
Tonight's cast included Paula Winslow, Sharon Douglas,
Scotty Beckett, John Brown, Elvia Allman, George Perrone, and Herb Vigran.
This is Ken Carpenter on behalf of TEEL inviting you to listen again next week.
And remember, for laughs it's R-I-L-E-Y Riley, and for lovely smiles it's T-E-E-L, TEEL.
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