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From the stage of the RKO Grand Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio Prel brings you the life of Riley
Riley
Well the shampoo that removes unsightly dandruff leaves hair radiantly lovely presents the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley
Although Chester A Riley lives in California
He has never had any contact with the movie industry in Hollywood
Then some days ago Universal Studios had a sneak preview of a new film called the life of Riley
The audience reaction to this new comedy delighted the executives of the studio
But how could they know of the reaction of a certain Chester a Riley?
I tell you it's an insult that picture is an attack for my character
Oh Riley once and for all when you get it through your head that the man in that life a Riley picture has nothing to do with you
Yeah, well people will think it has in the picture the guy's called Chester Riley, ain't he?
Well that's just a coincidence daddy
Yeah, he's a big jerk ain't he?
No, he's a very lovable character
Father's really a swell comedy
Comedy, I hear the picture's laughable
I hear this one scene where the poor dope is so henpecked that on pay day he runs right home and hands his pay envelope to his wife
Without ever opening it
Oh that reminds me did you get paid today?
Yeah here it is
They got no right blackening my character making me the henpecked type
Here's your allowance dear
Thank you
Why couldn't they get an actor, sorry the actor, why couldn't they get an actor like Gregory Peck to play Riley instead of that big lug they got doing it now?
Oh Gregory Peck yum yum
Are you kidding Riley?
Yeah why not if Gregory Peck were Chester Riley that'd be okay with me
It'd be okay with me too
That's a good one
That's right laugh at me make fun of me a fine thing my own family thinks I'm a big joker
Oh now take it easy dear
Yeah well I don't have to stand here and be made a laughingstock
Riley where are you going?
I'm leaving this house and I may never come back not never ever
That man
Oh it's the fourth time this week he's left home for good
The Four Seasons
Fine thing a man's own family giving him the horse left I tell you Gillis I'm thinking of leaving home
Well don't blame your family Riley blame that damn movie studio
Well
Riley if I was you I'd make them pay
Pay?
Yeah so long
You can sue for this?
Why sure it's libel and defamation of courage
Yeah you think I got a case?
I'll say you have why the Riley in that picture is nothing but a bumble and schmoe
But I'll get up in court and swear that the Chester Riley I know is a man of intelligence integrity personality and charm
You'd do that for me?
Well you're my best friend for you I gladly commit poigy
Well how much could I collect?
That depends on your lawyer now if I was handling the case I would say
Gentlemen of the jury once in a time Chester Riley led a simple life
Happy and contented beloved by his family respected by his neighbors
And then this here picture the life of Riley was released
From that day on the Chester Riley that we know and love so well was no more
He became a pathetic object of contempt subjected to the ridicule of the community
Shunned by his friends mocked at by his very wife and very children
Discant and humiliated and left scars on his soul that will never heal
Broken in spirit without the will to live what is left with this miserable wretch
Today he is alone friendless a sociable outcast
Gentlemen of the jury I ask you how much shall he be paid for the unhuman sufferers
The anguish the mental torture he has suffered
How much I ask you how much
Is twenty dollars too much
Twenty
I'll take fifteen
After a speech like that you'll get fifty thousand
Fifty thousand really?
Why sure with a smart lawyer you can make him pay through your nose
Through my nose huh? Well then we take him for a bundle
And now your honor I would like to call my next witness to the stand
Riley what are you doing?
Please Peg we're rehearsing for court
What?
Please don't interrupt
Your honor I'm ready
Proceed
I call Junior Riley
Junior Riley to the stand
Do you swear junior?
No sir I'm a boy scoff
Don't interrupt
Oh Riley you must be out of your mind
You'll see I'm going to sue Universal for fifty thousand bucks
And you'll have to be a witness too
Take the stand Peg
Riley I've got a sink full of dishes
Mrs Riley in this picture they show a Chester Riley to be a big dope
But isn't it a fact that your husband Chester Riley is a man with a brilliant mind?
No
Let me rephrase the question
Wouldn't you say that he's a man of great intelligence?
No
Let me re rephrase the question
Wouldn't you say he's a man of average intelligence?
Not the head he acts sometimes
Sometimes he's just
Get off the stand
A wife can't testify against her husband
Peg, Peg, Junior where are you?
Oh you're here
Yes Junior where are you?
Oh you're back dear
Yeah I'll say I'm back and is your face going to be red?
Oh what happened daddy?
Riley you didn't
Crazy am I?
Well we'll see who's crazy when I show you what I have in my pocket
You went to Universal Studio?
You bet I went
And they let you in?
They not only let me in but they took me right in to see the producer of this picture
A tall skinny fellow with glasses
Everybody called him I.B.
This I.B. is a pretty shrewd cookie but M.R. was just a little bit shrewder than him
Well who's M.R.?
Mr. Riley
I said to him you're a producer I.B.
We'll produce 50 grand and fast
Oh finally
You don't mean to stand there and tell me they actually settled
And how they settled? Oh it wasn't easy
I said 50,000 I.B. or I'll sue
Of course at first he gave me a flat refusal
But then we started to bargain
I came down a little, he went up a little, I came down a little more, he went up a little more
But in the end he paid off
Oh come on now what do you mean?
Four passes
What?
Yeah
For the world premiere, the life of Riley
Oh for heaven's sake I might have known it
For a minute I was crazy enough to think they gave you some money
Well you know the trouble with you Peg you're money man
All I care about is the principal I won my fight
But what's four passes?
What's four passes?
This is for one of them high class Hollywood premieres
With lights and movie stars
They don't let everybody in there
What is it Pop?
It says on the ticket
Oh here world premiere first public showing Friday March the 4th
What theater?
The R.K.O. Grant
Where's that?
Well I don't know
You know how seldom I go to the movies I'd rather eat at home
R.K.O. Grant?
Look it up in the classified phone book Junior
There it is
Oh okay sis
Yeah and listen everybody
Now we don't want to feel out of place with all them stars there
So we'll have to dress up
I'll wear a tie and Peg you you can wear something
Thanks dear
Hey Pop there's no R.K.O. Grant listed
Oh there must be Junior
Say maybe it was just a gag to get rid of you
Maybe there's no such theater
What do you mean there's no such theater?
I don't know what you're talking about
Who are you calling?
The producer who gave me the passes
You don't know where it is
Hello Mr. Brecker's office please
Junior hand me a pencil there
Oh I hear Pop
Wet the end
Oh okay
Hello I.B. this is Raleigh talking
About them passes
How do you get to this here R.K.O. Grant theater?
Where do I live?
Well 1313 Blue View Terrace
Yeah okay I got a pencil shoot
Yeah you take the Hollywood trolley
Uh huh
Yeah
Yeah and then transfer
Yeah okay I got it
Yeah I got it thanks a lot
I'll see you there at the premiere
Your son there is some wise guy
No R.K.O. Grant he says
Well how do you get there?
Well I got all the directions written right down here
You take the Hollywood trolley to the Union Station
You transfer it to the Santa Fe Super Chief
Two days later you get to Chicago
Then you transfer it to a plane for Cincinnati, Ohio
And there you ask anybody and they'll tell you where the R.K.O. Grant
Laughs
Cincinnati
It's in Cincinnati, Ohio
Oh who who? Oh ho ho
Oh yo yo
What a revolting development this is
Applause
Well we'll bring you the second act of the life of Riley in just a moment
And here she is the girl everyone's talking about
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And I've got a little something to tell
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All you gotta do is take me home
And squeeze me
I'm Tallulah the tube of pearl
And I'll make your hair look square
It'll shine it'll glow so dandruff free
For radiant hair get a hold of me
Tallulah the tube of pearl shampoo
Applause
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Music
And now back to the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley
And Riley is happy again because a few days ago Universal Studios
As part of a publicity campaign
Chose him as the typical Riley of Los Angeles
And presented him with four railroad tickets and all expenses paid
So the family could attend the world premiere of the life of Riley in Cincinnati
Now we find our happy hero in the club car of the Santa Fe Supercheap
Oh I like this here club car Junior
This is the way to traffic
It sure is Pop
Two lower berths for you and your sister and a drawing room for your mother and me
You know I haven't been on a train since our honeymoon to Niagara Falls
But it didn't compare to this
All we could afford was one upper berth for the both of us
But we managed, we took turns sleeping in it
Hey where's your mother and best Junior?
Oh there in the observation car
Pop that girl there across the aisle
She keeps looking at you Pop
Well naturally
Junior you don't seem to get it through your noodle that your old man is a celebrity
The most typical Riley in America
Guest of honor at a whole premiere
That's why she's staring at me
You know who she is?
Gloria LaGrange
No kidding, the movie actress?
Yeah and that fellow with her is a movie actor too, Richard Long
Well I wish she'd stop staring at me
I think I'll go see where Mom is
Yeah okay son
Now don't let that Gloria LaGrange flirt with you
I can take care of myself
This may come as a surprise to you but I was going out with women before you were born
I'll see you later Pop
Yeah
I'll see you
I wonder why she keeps staring at me like that
Maybe I look funny or something
Maybe I forgot the...
No I've got my shoes on
Oh she's telling that boy something
I didn't know you were going to make the trip to the premiere Gloria
Just one of those last minute things Dick and then the studio couldn't get me anything but an upper bird
Say that's what I've got too
I just can't sleep in an upper
It's tough but what can you do about it?
Well see that big character across the aisle there?
The one who's wearing the sneakers?
Yeah I noticed him before in the dining car
The waiter gave him a bowl and he sipped it and said...
The tea was too weak
Well you know he has a drawing room
I think I'll talk him into trading
For an upper? You're dreaming
Think so? Did you ever see my little old velvet milting?
I'm just air resistible
Well good luck
When you've got what I've got you don't need luck
Why Colonel I do declare
I never dreamed I'd run into your old...
Oh if I could sit down a minute
No wait a minute miss you can't sit here my wife
I mean it's taken she'll be back
Oh I beg your pardon
I mistook you for a gentleman friend of mine
But I can see what a silly old mistake I made this
No resemblance
You're so much handsome
Have a seat
It may be my making you a Colonel Culpepper
Of the Culpeppers of Alabama
Oh no, no I'm one of the Rileys of California
Chester Island
Chester Island?
Yeah
But that's so foamly
You're so friendly
I'm just going to call you Curley
Oh shucks you shouldn't make fun of my nose that way
That's a nice train ain't it?
Just a little old adorable train
Say was you into dinner tonight?
Oh they've got such a cheap crowd on this here train
You should have seen all the people stirring their tea with their fingers
I do decline you're just too colorful
But I shouldn't be laughing when my little old heart practically breaks
What is it something wrong miss?
I'm in the most desperate trouble
But why should I bore little old you
Talking about little old me and all my little old trouble
Oh now there there there there little girl
You tell Colonel Riley all about it
Oh you're so kind
You bright big wonderful you
Well you see I've got this here upper birth
And I've got claustrophobia
And my Dr. Santa would just be absolutely fatal if I had to spend even one night
Mr. Lowe I've birthed all this before
White Staff Arizona we stop here for two minutes
Oh there you are Riley
I've been looking all over this train for you
Come on let's turn in dear
Well not yet Peg let's go take a walk on the platform
But we only stop for a minute and I'm tired
Come on let's go to bed
Yeah but Peg I don't
Well okay
Well where are you going?
Our drawing room is down that way
No well the fact is Peg that we ain't sleeping in that drawing room
We changed
Changed? What changed to where?
Wait I'll go get a ladder
A ladder?
Well yeah you see there was some mistake and well we got an upper birth
But we had tickets for a drawing room
Yeah but that was a mistake we'll manage I'll go get the ladder
If you think for one minute I'm going to spend two nights in a cramped upper birth
It'll be cramped it'll be just for little old you and little old me
Now look here Riley
It'll be just like a second honeymoon we'll take turns sleeping in it
Now Riley you're hiding something from me
No honest this is our birth here
What's the matter there folks having trouble finding your birth?
Oh you're Mr Riley you're the one who gave your drawing room to Gloria LeGrange
These gorgeous movie actresses
Goodnight folks
Chester Riley
Now wait a minute Peg I can explain
You gave up our drawing room
Well I couldn't help it she's a poor little old sick girl she's got hydrophobia
You are without a doubt a Peg
Now wait a minute Peg don't you go calling me names
I ain't just a nobody remember I'm the most typical rally
You're the most typical something of all the idiots
I ain't going to stand here and let you insult me
You come back here
I'm leaving this house and I may never come back goodbye
Now Riley come back here
I'm leaving this house and I mean it goodbye
Nobody can talk to me that way in my own home
Riley it's a train
Riley come back
I ain't coming back in that house until you apologize
So I throw you to use standing on that porch and
Yep holy smoke the house is moving it's an earthquake
Oh it's a train
Riley
I beg to pray something has to rise
Oh what a mess
Here I am stranded in this lonely town and I don't know a living soul
Neither do I believe me
Who's that?
I'm Digby O'Dell the friendly underdager
Dager
Greetings Riley you're looking fine very natural
I can't get over it Digger what are you doing here in this hole in the ground?
Please let's not talk shop
You see lately I've been working too hard so the doctor advised me to get away and forget business
So I've been touring first time into Death Valley
Then the underground caverns of New Mexico and then Tombsdow Arizona
Well I was heading east until I got off the train by mistake
Now I don't know where I'll end up
I can tell you
You'll accompany me to New York where I'm attending a convention of the UEPLIS
UEPLIS?
The Undertaker's Embalmers and Fall Bearers Life Insurance Society
We have a new policy we cover you completely
Listen Digger I'm on my way to the premiere of the Life of Rannis can you drop me in Cincinnati?
Oh you know me I'll be glad to drop you anywhere
Come along my vehicle is over here
Thanks Digger but can you get there in time for the opening?
Don't worry I haven't missed an opening yet
Well here's my vehicle slide in
We better be traveling off
Faster Digger faster
Relax Riley I'm enjoying the sights of beautiful Cincinnati
Ah there's Buzzy and Bogman
I adore Buzzy and Bogman they're so gay
Faster Digger they told me at the hotel Peg and the kids were already at the theater
Very well here's the theater
Oh yeah
Hey look at all those banners
Hello Riley's welcome to the Riley's vote for Mayor Cash
Cincinnati greets the Rannis
Hey I guess I'm a pretty big man around here
Oh gee what a crowd hope I can find Peg and the kids
Well farewell Riley as the jitterbug say I'll dig you later
Goodbye Digger oh yeah oh I think I see Peg Peg Peg Bad Junior
Riley I thought you'd never get here
We were expecting you all afternoon
Yeah well did you get my wife?
Yeah yesterday
I stopped at the hotel and they told me you were here
Listen Peggy you still sore at me on a kind of gory old gringe?
Oh let's forget about it dear well we better go in now
Oh yeah we don't want to miss the beginning huh?
Tickets please
I don't need a ticket I'm Riley
Sorry you'll have to have a ticket
But I'm the guest of honor
Give him your ticket but you're holding up the line
But I'm Chester Riley from Los Angeles you know the most typical Riley family
Know what I'm Herman Riley and this is my wife Gertrude
The most typical Riley's of Peoria
And back of me is Marmotook Riley
The most typical Riley of Kalamazoo
And Mr. and Mrs. Neil Riley
Which was sent here by truth or consequences
There's 400 typical Riley's here from all over the country
So give them in your typical ticket
Peg Peg I don't understand
It's true dear give the man your ticket
Come on you're holding up the line
Daddy you've got a ticket haven't you?
Well no I uh
Well where is it?
Well the fact is uh I uh you see Peg it's uh well I lost it
Yeah that's it I had it in my shirt see
And while passing through Newport Kentucky I lost my shirt
Laughter
So that's why I haven't got a ticket
Oh no there Mr. Riley I just can't thank you all enough for giving me your little old ticket
Oh don't mention it Gloria
Riley did you give her?
Well I met her in the hotel and she was crying
She didn't have a ticket for her little old grin mammy
Thank you again Mr. Riley see y'all later come on grin mammy
Coming Gloria sweetheart
Laughter
Well Chester Riley you are without a doubt
Well if you are foolish enough to give up your ticket then it's your hard luck
But we're gonna see the picture come on children
No Peg wait Peg Jr. don't leave me
That's completely
I came two thousand miles and now I won't see the picture
Oh poor little old me
Laughter
Riley will return in just a moment
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Music
Oh why did I have to miss the life of Riley pictures
Well you've only got yourself to blame
Gloria LaGrange
All a pretty girl has to do is put on a phony southern accent and flutter her eyelashes at you and you act like a big dumb hick
I do not
That ain't so
And I don't care to discuss it
Let's go to sleep
Well alright
Oh I feel like reading in bed
Riley go down the lobby and get me some magazines
Oh now I'm tired Peg
Oh come on Riley now please
Oh you can go you read tomorrow
Oh come on honey child
Won't you all go down the lobby and get some little old magazines for little old me
Why sure I will little sugar plums
How many shards
And wait a minute you all trapped me
Applause
This broadcast came to you from the RKO Grand Theater in Cincinnati
One of the 200 theaters now showing the life of Riley motion picture
Proctor and Gamble invite you to join us again next week to hear the life of Riley with William Bendix as Riley
Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslow
Digger Odell is John Brown
Bads is Barbara Island
Junior is Tommy Cook
The script is by Alan Lipscott, Ruben Schip and Dick Powell
Music by Lou Coslow
The life of Riley is produced by Irving Brecker
And remember for more radiant hair free of unsightly dandruff get the shampoo in the tube
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Music by Digger Odell
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Music by Digger Odell
This is Ken Niles reminding you to tune this NBC station every Friday night for
Jimmy Durante, Eddie Cantor, Red Skelton and the life of Riley
Good night
Applause
Music by Digger Odell