Welcome. Welcome. Howdy. Well now, ain't that handy?
It's bad, Paul.
The way the road takes a bend in here runs right by the front door.
No, Mr. Clapper, this is your driveway. It goes with the house.
Is this thing a hire?
Yes, indeed. It was built by John Barrymore, one of our finest actors.
Pretty fair stonemason, too.
Hey, Jeff! This here is dandy soil.
Fine, Granny. We'll commence plowing tomorrow.
But this is Beverly Hills.
Dirt is dirt.
Yes, I know, but...
Why don't we look around inside, eh?
Well, here we are.
I hope you're going to like this place I picked out for you.
It may be a trifle larger than what you're used to,
but I feel a man with $25 million in my bank should live in a manner that...
Come in, come in. This is your home.
As I say, it may be a bit more than you're used to, but I'm sure you'll be comfortable.
Now, my secretary will be over right away to help you with the hiring of servants
or whatever problems you may have.
She's a very efficient girl, Miss Hathaway.
Jed! Jed!
Jed?
You and Jethro fetch in my stove so I can get some vittles to cook in.
You have a beautiful stove.
Thank you.
Fetch it in, Jed.
You scare up some wood, Ellie.
No, no. I mean you have a stove already installed in the kitchen.
Where's that?
I'll show you.
Excuse us.
Ellie, you go with Granny. She'll still need you to fetch some wood.
Sure, Uncle.
Uncle Jed, guess what?
There's a whole other house up here.
Jethro, come down from there.
Like it's not that belongs to somebody else.
George, this is your kitchen.
Oh, and here's the stove.
The last word in food preparation.
And speaking of food, you'll find everything you could possibly want stored right in here.
See?
Well, I'll leave you ladies to your culinary delights.
Au revoir.
Bon appétit.
Talks gibberish.
I see you've sent a great deal of stow on this here stove, Granny.
Well, we'll see.
Ellie, you run out and fetch some wood.
I'll get a fire to go on in here and we'll see.
Jethro, I hope it's all right for you to be missing school.
Oh, sure, Uncle Jed.
They ain't straight in the fifth grade.
You in the fifth grade already?
Starting this year.
Don't seem like no time at all since you went with your ma to get you started in the first grade.
You was six years old.
No bigger than that.
We drove clean over to Oxford so you could go to the same school your pa went to.
You wouldn't know that town today, Uncle Jed.
Oxford?
Yes, sir.
Where that town has grown and grown and spread out and built up and just kept getting bigger and bigger.
Where today, well, I bet you there must be at least three or four dozen people living there.
A place like that's all right to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Now, do you have any assistance?
No, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
We're just talking about Jethro here getting back to school.
Oh, well, we have some excellent educational facilities out here, Mr. Crabbit.
Where do you go to school, Jethro?
Oxford.
Yeah, you see, Jethro's ma, that's my cousin Pearl, she married an Oxford man, so naturally, Jethro, he goes to school there, too.
I'm the champion crawdad eater.
At Oxford?
Jethro put away three buckets of crawdad.
Four.
And he's learned to cipher and everything.
Cipher something for Mr. Drysdale.
One and one's two.
Two and two's four.
Four and four's eight.
I have to take off my shoes to get any proper man.
I'm sure we're thinking of two different Oxfords.
You see, there's one that's very famous and very old.
That's where Jethro goes to school. Been there since pioneer days.
That's how come it got its name.
It's where the oxen used to ford the river.
Folks took the call on an oxen ford and later on got shortened to Oxford.
Well, I'll be running.
Oh, by the way, here are your keys.
My secretary should be over very soon.
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Drysdale, for everything you've been doing for us.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Mr. Crabbit.
You see, I'm not only your banker, I'm your next-door neighbor.
Well, you see, how ain't that nice?
Well, now, why don't you bring your missus over tonight for supper
and I'll have Granny wamp up a mess of grits and hog jowls.
Well, you see, right now my wife is in Boston.
Oh, that's too bad. When she be back?
Not too soon, fortune.
I'll see you later.
Well, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
So long.
Uncle Jed, do you reckon one of these days I can have me a little bitty old taste
of Granny's moonshine?
Now, Jethro, you know the family rule about Granny's moonshine.
You get your first taste on your wedding day and not before.
Well, Uncle Jed, that might be an awful long time.
I ain't even got me no sweetheart.
How come?
Why, back home, every time I get me a girl,
one of them there big fellas will take her right away from me.
Maybe out here in Beverly Hills.
Pa, could I please have the axe?
I gotta split some wood for Granny.
Fetch it, Jethro.
You sure Granny's got a wood pile?
Not that I can find.
But I found a whole row of black old dead tree trunks,
pretty near as high as this house.
Are they kind of big for you to tackle?
Well, shucks, no, Pa.
They're only this big around and all trimmed and topped
and strung together with the black rope,
so as no matter which one you cut, the others keep it from falling.
Somebody had a right smart idea there.
Just the same, I think I'd rather have Jethro do the cutting.
Oh, Pa, let me.
Cutting trees and chopping logs ain't no work for a girl.
I'm just as strong as Jethro.
You ain't neither.
I am so.
You ain't neither.
I am so too.
You want to wrestle.
Dawn too.
Now, here, here, that ain't no fair fight.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
Now, there, you see, you're getting too rough.
Jethro, a person can get crippled from a hold like that.
Get up from there.
I can't, Uncle Jeff.
You turn him loose and get up from there before I take the strap to the boot.
Now, here, you get out there and chop down one of them tree trunks.
Saw Granny some nice logs.
Yes, sir.
Could have whupped you if you hadn't tripped me.
Okay.
Now, come back here and sit down.
I want to talk to you.
Whip them fire and squirt and I'll do it again.
You won't.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Tell you what, you're getting too big to wrestle with boys.
I ain't as big as Jethro.
Big that way, I mean, grown up.
You're a young lady now.
You got to start finding new manners and fixing yourself up real nice and wearing dresses.
Oh, folks would call me a sissy.
It ain't sissy for girls to act like girls.
You see, Ellie, I raised you like a boy and I was wrong to do it.
I reckon every man liked to have a son and you was my only young one.
And when your ma passed away, I just decided to turn you into a boy.
By the time Granny come to help out, you was too wild a team.
By thunder, you could outrun, outclimb, outfight and outshoot every boy in them hills.
I still can, Pop.
Yeah, but it ain't fitting.
It ain't right for folks to go against nature.
Oh, look at old Duke here.
Reckon we could turn him into a cat.
Course not.
That's right.
Nature made him into a dog the same way nature made you into a girl.
And lately she's getting more and more positive about it.
You mean my ears is grown?
No, nothing like that.
You're pretty.
Oh, Pop.
I know you don't like it when I say that, but you'll like it when the young fellas around here come in saying it, and they will.
Only they'll probably be using words, fancy words I won't even understand.
But, Ellie Mae, ain't nobody can ever tell you how pretty you really are, simply.
You're the living picture of your mom.
Oh, here I thought you were going up to the Clampett estate.
I didn't think it prudent for us both to be absent simultaneously.
In the event of crises...
The only crises you have to worry about right now is keeping Mr. J.D. Clampett happy.
Now get up there.
Tell me, how did you like the flamingos?
What flamingos?
I thought pink flamingos around the swimming pool would add a rather elegant touch.
Mr. Clampett is not a man educated to elegance.
That will take time.
Right now there are more pressing problems.
Of course, getting settled, the servant problem.
Whatever they are, just get up there and solve them.
Now, J.D. Clampett is this bank's largest depositor.
And I'm making his satisfaction your responsibility.
I accept the medal of responsibility with which you have cloaked my shoulders.
And I shall so conduct myself that if this great financial institution shall last a thousand years...
This was their finest hour.
And he would, all right.
A lot of pitch and tar in it. It ought to burn real good.
That flimsy grate holds up.
Granny!
This is top of that tree trunk.
You want I should split it up too?
No, just leave it outside.
Yes, sir.
This place ain't even got a wood box.
Yeah, folks don't need much wood out here.
Remember what Pearl said?
It don't get cold.
Yeah, I remember.
It might not get cold in the day, but it sure freezes solid at night.
How do you know?
I'll show you how I know.
Ever been a fool in this here storage bin that froze harder than a rock?
Yes.
Look.
Might have thin-skinned hog.
But I'll be dog gone.
Take me two days to thaw out that ham before I can ever cook it.
People ought to know better than store food up against the North Wall.
Tomorrow we'll dig us a root cellar and we'll put all this stuff in it.
Gertrude, go on out there and catch us a chicken.
Okay, Uncle J.
How do you know we got chickens?
A place this size is bound to have chickens.
Ain't no frozen.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.
I eat the chicken.
Here's that bucket. You want it?
You take it, Ellie. See if you can find a creek.
I gotta have some water.
You want a pump on this, please?
It ain't even got a well.
Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed.
Yeah, boy, did you find a chicken?
I found something.
I ain't sure if it's a chicken, a goose, a duck, or a what.
Where is it?
I couldn't catch it.
That thing can outrun a jackrabbit.
There ain't no goose or duck.
Must be a chicken.
If it is, I was right about things growing bigger out here.
That thing was this high.
A chicken?
Yeah, out you through.
Honest, it's got legs this long.
Give us on the drumstick.
The drumstick ain't much.
Whoever gets that neck is eating from now on.
Commences here and runs palm up to here.
You ain't forgot what I said about Granny's jug of liquor.
Ain't been to Granny's jug.
You have your end first.
Honesty, cross my heart.
Where'd you see this chicken?
Down by the cement pond.
Uncle Jed, that pond is the fanciest thing you ever did see.
By there steps, so's the cattle can walk right down into it and get a drink.
And up at one end, there's a lady standing there made out of rock.
And she's a pouring water out of a jar right into that cement pond.
Oh.
Well, that's how come that big old pink chicken to get away from me.
Flew right over the top of that there rock lady, landed in that pond, and swam like an otter.
Just a whopping them big old pink wings of an otter.
What color did you see that chicken walk?
It's pink.
Ain't I told you that stuff would stunt your growth?
Miss Granny, I didn't touch a drop.
You and me is going to the woodshed.
Yes, Ro.
You swear to be telling the truth.
So help me Jefferson Davis.
You're hat off when you speak of the President.
He ain't President no more.
I'll have no Yankee talk in my kitchen.
Now, Jethro, you and me is going back out there and corner that chicken.
Granny, you get the fire to go on.
Ellie Mae, you sweep up out front and keep your eyes open for that Miss Hathaway.
I'm counting on her to take you in hand and get you in the right kind of clothes.
Come on.
Chicken.
You there, young man.
I'm a young man, but I sure do thank you for thanking so.
Good heavens, you're a girl.
I'm Jane Hathaway, Executive Secretary to Mr. Drysdale.
And you, I take it, are a domestic of some sort, cleaning girl, house maid.
Just what are your duties as Mr. Clappett?
Well, he sent me out here to sweep up.
He said you would take me in hand and get me in the right kind of clothes and everything.
Indeed I shall.
We have a complete servant's wardrobe from chef to chauffeur.
Come with me.
What in the name of Thomas Chippendale is this?
Is Mr. Clappett seeing this disgraceful and unsightly mound of debris?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
This is all his.
Oh, what charming antiques.
Just like he said, you threw a rock lady pouring water into a cement pond.
Yes, sir.
And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken.
Only thing is, it don't sound like a chicken.
It makes a kind of hollering noise.
Reckon you'd make a hollering noise, too, if you was to lay egg like that.
Mine, oh mine.
That's what I call an egg.
Don't have to worry about food now.
The way she cooks it.
That lame city stove don't draw worth nothing.
Hey, look at this egg.
What's all the smoke?
Stove don't work.
Probably just a stuffed up flu.
Ain't got a flu.
Ain't even got a stovepipe.
Get the shovel and a hoe and rake it out of there.
You keep this egg.
Just like everything else out here.
Throw solid.
Really, my dear, you look quite charming.
Well, I feel like a dad-blamed fool.
Just a moment.
You can stop now.
I'll be right back.
Oh, that was my pa.
I take it he's a gardener.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Pa just can't wait to commence gardening.
Apparently.
However, as though I admire his enthusiasm, I must forbid him access to the main entrance.
Now, tell me about the rest of the staff.
Is there a chauffeur?
A what?
Someone who does the driving.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
That's Jethro.
Of course, I don't reckon he can stay around very long.
He's got to get back to Oxford and go to school.
Oxford?
He attends Oxford University?
Well, he just calls it school.
Pa went to school there, too.
Oh, yes.
Old school time.
Great pride, those Oxford men.
Sorry I couldn't stop before Granny was having trouble in the kitchen.
Pa, do I have to wear this year's stuff that Miss Happy went to?
No, no.
There can be no appeal for Mr. Plampett's orders.
Thank you, ma'am.
Glad to see you're taking the firm hand.
That's right pretty.
Makes you look taller.
She's got me walking on pegs.
We'll run in and show Granny.
And get rid of those old clothes, dear.
Granny, I presume, is the cook.
Yes, ma'am, but she ain't too happy about it right now.
I'll deal with her directly.
Now, let's see.
Maid, gardener, cook, chauffeur.
Oh, I understand Jethro is an Oxford man.
You bet he is.
I'm quite anxious to meet him.
Don't blame you.
Fine-looking young fella.
Single, too.
And he's on the lookout for a girl.
I'm only interested in the intellectual rapport which I would naturally have with an Oxford man.
I presume he went to Eton as a boy.
If I know Jethro, he went to Eton the minute he was born.
Yes, of course.
I suppose his father matriculated him.
I kind of think maybe it was his mom.
Oh, no.
No matter.
At any rate, he's an Eton man.
That he is.
Matter of fact, Jethro won the Eton championship.
Oh, marvelous.
What was he champion of?
Eton.
Yes, I know.
But what was it?
Cricket?
Oh, no, no. It was crawdad.
No.
I don't think even Jethro did crickets.
I was referring to the game.
Gilead, Gilead, where's the axe?
I'm fetching, Granny. You talk to Miss Hathaway.
And just why does Cook need an axe?
I've hit this with everything I could lay a hand to.
I even whopped it with an iron skillet.
You are supposed to hit it with a croquet mallet.
All right. Where is it?
I don't think I'll tell you.
There is a time for work and a time for play.
Now then, what are we cooking for Mr. Clavett?
Well, I don't know what you're cooking him,
but if he wants any vittles from me, somebody better shoot a possum.
Possum?
You got a better idea?
But of course. A nice big fluffy souffle.
All right.
You shoot it and you skin it.
You don't even know what a souffle is.
What kind of a cook are you?
I'm a cook with a stove that don't draw,
food that's froze solid,
chickens that can't be caught,
eggs that can't be broke,
and a smart, alicky city woman telling me my business.
That's what kind of a cook I am.
Mind your tongue, little woman.
I can have your job.
You sure can, and the sooner the better.
Get those coming and just wait till you see what he's got.
Thank heaven. Now I can have an intelligent conversation.
Look, Granny, I caught that big chicken.
Well, I hope it ain't as tough as its eggs.
It's fat as a flamingo.
Oh, no, ma'am, that's my nephew, Jethro.
Get close and you'll load him his hands away.
Howdy, ma'am.
This the big, dangest chicken you ever did see.
Did you go to school at Oxford?
Yes, ma'am. I'm in fifth grade.
Stop, Granny, and break that chicken's neck.
Mary, may I?
No, stop, you mongrel.
Don't harm one feather of that beautiful bird.
I'm gonna eat him just about as much as I'm gonna take from you.
Yeah, Granny.
Ellie, you get the fire going under the big kettle outdoors.
Young lady, where is your maid's uniform?
I ain't gone away.
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I ain't.
Oh, yes, you are, if I must subdue you forcefully.
I wouldn't try that.
Don't!
Doctor, you hurt me.
I'll settle him, Ellie.
Let me!
Here, here, Granny.
Oh, let her up. Get off of me.
You are discharged!
All of you, sacked, fired!
And you are the most incompetent, insubordinate, voluntary group of domestics
it has ever been my misfortune.
Miss Hathaway!
Ah, Chief, you're just in time to help me take disciplinary action.
You're fired.
I've already told them.
Not them, you.
Those people are the Clampetts.
Clampetts?
Yes, that's right.
Now go back to the office and pick up your severance pay. You are through.
Now, Mr. Drysdale, hold on a spell.
I reckon there's been a kind of a misunderstanding.
But this little lady's been a right big help to us.
Why, she fit in just like one of the family.
Matter of fact, her and me is going out hunting.
Ain't that right, Miss Hathaway?
Yes, and...
Yep, uh, Jithro, you can take that pink chicken back out to the cement pond.
We're going out to shoot us a nice big fluffy soup leg.
You're fired.
I've already told them.
Not them, you.
Those people are the Clampetts.
Clampetts?
Yes, that's right.
Now go back to the office and pick up your severance pay. You are through.
Now, Mr. Drysdale, hold on a spell.
I reckon there's been a kind of a misunderstanding.
But this little lady's been a right big help to us.
Why, she fit in just like one of the family.
Ain't that right, Miss Hathaway?
Yep, and...