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"^^^v
HINTS
E T I Q "^" '^^ T T E
/
This work was originally published in London, where it has gone through twenty-two editions, and has been made the standard of modern society in England.
THE
AMERICAN
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN'S
MANUAL
V
OF
ELEGANCE, FASHION,
AND
TRUE POLITENESS.
BY CHARLES WILLIAM DAY.
fuirivEESiTy)
ALDE NpiBJE AR DSL^ Y & CO.
ROCHESTER: VVANZto., BEARDSLEY & CO.
1852.
J) 3
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1843,
By O. C. B. Carter,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of Massachusetts.
•n
STEREOTYPED AT THE BOSTON TYPE AND STEREOTYPE FOUNDRT
ic^^^^
\
THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC,
The Author believes that in America, there IS to be found a society as well bred, graceful, and polished, as can be met with in Europe ; but as the masses of people, so continually rising in the New World, can scarcely be expected successfully to emulate the manners and habits of those whose position has been so long defined, assuredly it can hurt no one, but benefit many, for them to compare the usages of polished • nations with those of their own ; and to consider"^ whether a common sense application of the 1*
6 TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
ordinary observances of good society, as prac- tised in older countries, cannot materially elevate in the social scale, the aspiring and the suc- cessful.
The Hints on Etiquette having, in the most unprincipled manner, been attributed to Count d'Orsay, by a bookseller in New York, the real Author, to settle the matter, is induced to f put his name to this American edition, that in future no mistakes may occur.
Boston, Mass., December 1st, 1843
PREFACE
THE FIRST EDITION.
This is not written for those who do, but for those who do not Jcnoio what is proper, com- prising a large portion of highly respectable and estimable people, who have not had an oppor tunity of becoming acquainted with the usages of the (so termed) " best society ; " therefore, do not let the " select " sneer, and say, " O, every body knows that; there is nothing new here." Even they may be mistaken, and many may profit who will not choose to own how much they are indebted to this little book.
8 PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION.
It would be absurd to suppose that thcee persons who constitute the upper ranks of the middle classes in London are ignorant of the regulations here laid down ; but in the coun- try, (especially in the mercantile districts,) where the tone of society is altogether lower, it is far otherwise, although country people may not feel inclined to acknowledge what is, neverthe- less, strictly true.
If these " hints " save the blush but upon one cheeJc, or smooth the path into "society'' of only one honest family, the object of the author will be attained.
London, January 20, 189&
CONTENTS.
Page.
Genef.al Observations ....«••••• 11
Chap I. Introductions • 15
II. Letters of Introductioit • 22
III. Marriage 29
IV. Dinners 31
y. Smoking 53
VI. Snuff 58
VII. Fashion 60
VIII. Dress 62
IX. Music 70
X. Dancing 74
XI. Conversation .....81
XII. Advice to Tradespeople 101
XIII. Visiting 104
10 CONTENTS.
Page Chap. XIV. Visiting Cards 107
XV. Cards 114
XVI. Tattling 117
XVII. Of general Society 121
HINTS ON ETiaUETTE, [U1TI7ERSITY
GENERAIi OBSERVATIONS.
Etiquette is the barrier which society draws around itself as a protection against offences the ^ " law " cannot touch ; it is a shield against the intrusion of the impertinent, the improper, and the vulgar, — a guard against those obtuse per- sons who, having neither talent nor delicacy, would be continually thrusting themselves into the society of men to whom their presence might (from the difference of feeling and habit) be offensive, and even insupportable.
12 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
Many unthinking persons consider the ob- servance of etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of unmeaning forms, practised only by the silly and the idle — an opinion which arises from their not having re- flected on the reasons that have led to the establishment of certain rules indispensable to the well-being of society, and without which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and
be destroyed.
Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, especially in country towns, from not knowing what is " expected ^"^^ or necessary to be done, on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from the prevalence of local customs, with which the world in general are not supposed to be acquainted.
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. 13
Besides, in a mercantile country like England, people are continually rising m the world. Y. Shopkeepers become merchants, and mechanics manufacturers ; with the possession of wealth they acquire a taste lor the luxuries of life, expensive furniture, gorgeous plate, and also numberless superfluities, with the use of which they are only imperfectly acquainted. But although their capacities for enjoyment increase, it rarely happens that the polish of their manners keeps pace with the rapidity of their advance- ment; hence such persons are often painfully reminded that wealth alone is insufficient to protect them from the mortihcations which a limited acquaintance with society entails upon the ambitious. Pride often deters people from seeking the advice of the experienced, when the opportunity of receiving it is presented. It 2
14 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE*
15 to be hoped that the following remarks will furnish a guide through the intricacies of con. ventional usage, without risk to the sensitive, or the humiliation of publicly proclaiming the deficiencies of an imperfect education.
In all cases, the observances of the Metropolis (as the seat of refinement) should be received as the standard of good-breeding.
15
INTRODUCTIONS
Never *' introduce " people to each other without a previous understanding that it will be . agreeable 4o both.
There are many reasons why people ought never to be introduced to the acquaintance of each other, without the consent of each party previously obtained. A man may suit the taste, and be agreeable enough to one, without being equally so to the rest of his friends ; nay, as it often happens, he may be decidedly unpleasing : a stupid person may be delighted with the so-
16 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
ciety of a man of learning or talent, to whom, in return, such an acquaintance may prove an an- noyance and a clog, as one mcapable of offering an interchange of thought, or an idea worth listening to.
But if you should find an agreeable person in private society, who seems desirous of making your acquaintance, there cannot be any objec- tion to your meeting his advances half way, although the ceremony of an " introduction " may not have taken place ; his presence in your friend's house being a sufficient guarantee for his respectability, as, of course, if he were an improper person, he would not be there.
Should you, whilst walking with your friend, meet an acquaintance, never introduce them.
INTRODUCTIONS. 17
If you meet a male acquaintance giving his arm to a lady, take off your hat to him, instead of nodding — as this last familiar mode of recog- nition looks disrespectful towards her.
In making *^ introductions," take care to pre- sent the person of the lower rank to him of the higher ; that is, the commoner should be pre- sented to the peer, not the peer to the com- moner ; Dr. A. to Lord B., not Lord B. to Dr. A. Observe the same rule with ladies — the lady (as a female) claiming the highest rank, it is to her the gentleman must be presented, not the lady to the gentleman.
Be cautious how you take an intimate friend uninvited even to the house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always
2^
18 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE*
a feeling of jealousy that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves, although good breeding will induce them to behave civilly to your friend on your account.
Friendship springs up from sources so subtle and undefinable, that it cannot be forced into particular channels ; and whenever the attempt has been made, it has usually been unsuc- cessful.
Never make acquaintances in coffee-houses or other pubhc places. As no person who respects himself does so, you may reasonably suspect any advances made to you. — In America, this must be taken with some allowance ; board- ing in hotels, and living much in public, being
INTRODUCTIONS. 19
the custom of the country, but which is con- trary to English prejudices. Besides, in the United States, there is at least a profession of equality, however chimerical may be a reality, which is never even affected in Europe.
An adherence to etiquette is a mark of re- spect. If a man be worth 'knowing, he is surely worth the trouble to approach properly. It will likewise reheve you from the awkwardness of being acquainted with people of whom you might at times be ashamed, or be obliged, under many circumstances, to " o^^."
The act of " cutting -' can only be justified by some strong instance of bad conduct in the person to be cut. A cold bow, which discour- ages familiarity without offering insult, is the
20 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
best mode to adopt towards those with whom an acquaintance is not deemed desirable. An in- creased observance of ceremony is, however, the most delicate way of withdrawing from an acquaintance ; and the person so treated must be obtuse, indeed, who does not take the hint.
A neglect of, or an adherence to, the forms of society, in others towards yourself, is often- times the only way in which you are enabled to judge if your acquaintance be really con- sidered desirable. You will meet with pro- fessions of civility and friendship in the world as mere matters of course ; and were you to act upon what people say, instead of what they do, you would run a risk of being mortified, which no person of proper pride would choose to encounter \ especially if the other party be,
INTRODUCTIONS. 21
or assume to be, of higher rank than yourself. We never knew a person, really desirous of forming a friendship with another, neglect, either by word or deed, the means of accomplishing such an object.
It is, however, understood in society, that a person who has been properly introduced to you, has some claim on your good offices in future; you cannot therefore slight him without good reason, and the chance of being called to an account for it.
22
CHAP. 11.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Letters of Introduction are to be considered as certificates of respectability — as proofs that you are known by the introducer to be a proper person to be admitted into the friendly circle of him to whom you are recommended, without the risk, in these days of elegant exterior, of his harboring, a swindler, or losing his silver spoons.
Many people consider that, when they have given a dinner to the stranger, they have done enough, and are not required to take any fur- ther notice of him, so that, with modern English coldness, " Letters of Introduction " have been
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 23
facetiously termed *^ Tickets for Soup," and many sensitive people have, by these degrading considerations, been prevented from presenting them It is true, that among people " comme il faut,^^ the new comer is generally welcomed with a dinner — not for the_ sake of the enter- tainment — but as a means of presenting him to a fresh society, and of giving him the oppor- tunity of legitimately making the acquaintance of his host's friends invited expressly to meet him ; but, as the only criterion of the estimation in which he is held must be the kind of people asked to meet him, be careful not to wound his feelings by inviting those whom he may be likely to consider his inferiors eitKfcr in merit or position.
If you have letters of introduction from one
^4 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
friend to another, do not take them, but send them, with your card of address. If he be a gentleman, he will return your visit as soon as possible ; at any rate it will give him an option, which by taking your letters in person you do not do, but rather force yourself upon him whether he will or not. If your letters be on business only, no ceremony is necessary — take them at once. In all such matters never trust to a second that which may be so much better done by yourself.
There cannot be a more awkward situation for both parties than for one person to be wait- ing whilst ^e other is reading a letter with the endeavor to discover who the stranger may be, or a position in which the bearer looks so fool- ish, or feels so uncomfortable. Then comes the
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 25
bow, a cold shake of the hand, with the few civil words of course, — and all because you come upon a stranger who is unprepared; therefore give him time to read the letter you bring, and to consider how he may best show his regard for your introducer by his attentions to yourself.
Observe, that " Letters of Introduction " are never sealed by well-bred people ; the seal of the writer is attached to the envelope — re- quiring only a little wax to close it, — at the option of the person to whom it is confided.
If a gentleman be the bearer of an " intro- duction " to you, leave a card with him without fail, if it be only as an acknowledgment of having received your friend's letter; there is no 3
26 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE.
rudeness so great as to leave it unnoticed, — it is a slight to the stranger as well as to the introducer, which no subsequent attentions will cancel ; you are not obliged to invite him, as that is a matter of choice.
In France, and indeed generally on the Con- tinent, it is the established usage that strangers on arriving pay the first visit to residents. In England, with much better taste, the contrary is the rule. A stranger should never be made to feel that he is demanding attentions; but if possessed of true delicacy, he would prefer waiting until they are offered. In spite of our own folly in occasionally copying them, the French (with a much greater affectation of po- liteness) are infinitely inferior to English gentle- men in true good-breeding.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 27
Remember also, that a letter should never remain unanswered a moment longer than is absolutely unavoidable. Should you not have time to answer it fully, a simple acknowledg- ment is better than no notice of it at all.
An adherence to these rules will prevent your exposure to any coldness or slight you might otherwise incur.
Do not imagine tnese ntiie ceremonies to be insignificant and beneath your attention ; they are the customs of society ; and if you do not - conform to them, you will gain the unenviable distinction of being pointed out as an ignorant, ill-bred person. Not that you may care the more for strangers by showing them civility, but
28 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
you should scrupulously avoid the imputation of being deficient in good-breeding ; and if you do not choose to be polite for their sakes, you ought to be so for your own.
29
CHAP. III.
MARRIAGE.
When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship ends, unless he in- timate a desire to renew it, by ^ending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.
In the first place — A bachelor is seldom very particular in the choice of his companions. So long as he is amusod, he will associate freely enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as highly dangerous per- sons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic J.
30 HINTS ON VTK^UETTE.
Secondly — A married man has the tastes of another to consult ; and the friend of the Aw5- hand may not be equally acceptable to the wife.
Besides — Newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their friends, from praise- worthy niotives of economy. When a man first " sets up " in the world, the burden of an ex- tensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have had cause to regret the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gayety and ex- pense they could ill afford, from whi<ih thev have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in after life
81
CHAP. IV.
DINNERS.
Of the etiquette of a dinner party, it is extremely difficult to say any thing, because fashions are continually changing, even at the best tables; and what is considered the height of good taste one year, is declared vulgar the next ; besides which, certain houses and sets have certain customs, peculiar to their own clique, and all who do not conform exactly to their methods are looked upon as vulgar per- sons, ignorant of good-breeding. This is a mistake commonly fallen into by the little '' great " in the country, where the circle con- stituting ^^ society ^^ is necessarily so small, that
32 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
its members cannot fail to acquire the same habits, feelings, and observances. However, a tew hints may not be thrown away, always recollecting that people can only become ridic- ulous by attempting to be too fine, I am, of course, supposing my readers to be acquainted with the decencies of life.
When the members of the party have all assembled in the drawing-room, the master or mistress of the house will point out which lady you are to take into the dining-room, according to some real or fancied standard of precedence, rank, (if there be rank,) age, or general impor- tance; that is, the married before the single, &c. ; or they will show their tact, by making companions those who are most likely to be agreeable to each other. Give the lady the
((Ul^IVEESIT
wall coming down stairs, takS^hertpto tlre~room, , and seat yourself by ner side. ^^**'^'^r,r- - n --r. ^
If you pass to dine merely from one room to another, offer your left arm to "the lady.
Remember that it is the lady who at all times takes precedence, not the gentleman. A person led a Princess out of the room before her hus- band, (who was doing the same to a lady of lower rank ;) in his over-politeness, he said,. ^'Pardonnez que nous vous precedons," quite forgetting that it was the princess, and not he, who led the way.
Well-bred people arrive as nearly at the appointed dinner hour as they can. It is a very vulgar assumption of importance purposely
34 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
to arrive half an hour behind time ; besides the folly of allowing eight or ten hungry people such a tempting opportunity of discussing J[Our foibles. , ^ l| , 1 , - p. ^ ^.^ ,
The lady of the house will, of course, take the head of the table, and the gentleman of the highest rank will sit at her right hand ; the gentleman next in rank will be placed on the left of the hostess, so that she may be supported by the two persons of the most consideration, (who will assist her to carve.)
In many houses of distinction, the master and mistress sit vis-a-vis to each other at the middle of the table. •
In nearly all the houses of the nobility, at
DINNERS 35
present, the operation of carving is performed at the side table,. where the yiece de resistanccy by which is meant the roast joint, is placed.
It is the custom at present for the lady of the house to follow her guests into the dining- room, except when a prince of the royal family is present, who leads out the lady of the house first.
The gentleman of the house takes the bottom of the table, and on each side of Mm must be placed the two ladies highest in ranJc. You will find a party of ten convenient, as it admits of an equal distribution of the sexes ; neither two men nor two women like to sit together.
r
It is a matter of regret that table napkins are
36 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
not considered indispensable in England ; for, with all oar boasted refinement, they are far from being general. The comfort of napkins at dinner is too obvious to require comment, whilst the expense can hardly be urged as an objection. If there be not any napkins, a man has no alternative but to use the table-cloth, unless (as many do) he prefer his pocket hand- kerchief— an usage sufficiently disagreeable.
^Never eat your dinner as if you were BOLTING IT FOR A WAGER.^ For cach indi- vidual at a table to devour his portion in solemn silence, is only worthy of the domestic animals, jealous of a morsel being snatched away by such of their number as may be more greedy than conscientious. At meals, lively conver- sation elevates the spirits, and has a most sal
DINNERS. 37
utary effect upon the digestion, besides that it checks the possibiUty of eating so voraciously as to cause dyspepsia. Solemn dulness and unsociability at meals, is one of the national characteristics of the Americans, and cannot be too quickly rectified.
It is considered vulgar to take fish or souj twice. The reason for not being helped twice to fish or soup at a large dinner party — is because by so doing you keep three parts of the company staring at you whilst waiting for the second course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance of the mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, of so doing consti- tutes its vulgarity. At a faniily dinner it is of less importance, and is consequently often done.
38 HINTS ON ETIQ^UETTE.
Hot soup at table is very vulgar; it either leads to an unseemly mode of taking it, or keeps people waiting too long whilst it cools. Soup should be brought to table only moderately warm.
Do not ask any lady to take wine, until you see that she has finished her fish or soup. This exceedingly absurd and troublesome custom is very properly giving way at the best tables to the more reasonable one of the gentleman help- ing the lady to wine next to whom he may be seated, or a servant will hand it round. But if either a lady or a gentleman be invited to take wine at table, they must never refuse ; it is very gauche so to do. They need not drink half a glass with each person, but merely taste of it.
DINNERS, 39
Asking ladies to take wine is now quite exploded. It is merely offered by the gentle- men who sit next to them ; but if you are in a country house where the custom is retained, it would be better breeding to follow the fashion of the place^ rather than, by an omission of what your entertainer considers civility, to prove him, in the face of his guests, to be either ignorant or vulgar.
It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that selected by the person with whom you drink, the choice being left to the person liighest in rank or most advanced in age. When, however, the wine chosen by him is unpalatable to you, it is allowable to take that which you prefer, prefacing it with, " Will you permit me to drink claret, sherry," &c.
40 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
At every respectable table you will find silver forks;? being broader, they are in all respects
X'
more convenient than steel for fish or vegetables. Steel forks, except for carving, are now never placed on the table.
At family dinners, vi^here the conimon house- hold bread is used, it should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick^l There is nothing more plebeian than thin bread at dinner.
Never use your knife to convey your food to your mouth, under any circumstances; it is un- necessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself with a foj-k or spoon, nothing else, — a knife is only to be used for cutting.
This is a besetting sin with Americans of all
DINNERS. 41
ranks. Nothing is more horrible than to witness a man make a shovel of his knife, with the momentary expectation of seeing him cut his mouth at every throw. / It is in itself an atrocity, that, in Europe, would shut him out of the pale of civilized life.
If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not pour it over the meat or vege- tables, but on one side. \Jf you should have to carve and help a joint, do not load a person's plate — it is vulga^: also in serving soup, one ladleful to each plate is sufRcienty
\Fish should always be helped with a silver jfish-slice/and your own portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece of bread. 4*
-f
42 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
The application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its flavor ; b.esides which, fish sauces are often acidulated; acids corrode steel, and draw from it a disagreeable taste. In the North, where lemon or vinegar is very generally used for salmon and many other kinds of fish, the objection becomes more apparent.
Eat PEAS with a dessert spoon; and curry also. Tarts and puddings are to be eaten with a spoon.*
It is not elegant to gnaw Indian corn. The kernels should be scored with a knife, scraped
* By a step in pseudo refinement, the etiquette of 1839 pronounces that the use of a spoon for these purposes must be carefully avoided at dinner, it being only admissible for Boup and ices.
DINNERS. 43
off into the plate, and then eaten with a fork. Ladies should be particularly careful how they manage so ticklish a dainty, lest the exhibition rub off a little desirable romance.
As a general rule — in helping any one at table, never use a knife where you can use a spoon.
Making a noise in chewing, or breathing hard in eating, are both unseemly habits, and oug!it to be eschewed.
Many people make a disgusting noise wath their lips, by inhaling their breath strongly whilst taking soup — a habit which should be carefully avoided.
44 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
You cannot use your knife, or forJcy or teeth too quietly.
It is considered extremely j^^og-isA to have an overloaded plate, piled up with an heterogeneous mass of edibles. Almost every dish has its appropriate sauce, (not sarse,) or vegetables, intended as condiments or auxiliaries to that alone. Squash, corn, turnips, beets, and tomato sauce, all on the same plate, remind one more of the contents of a beggar's wallet, or a mess for a dog, than of .a portion for a moderate Christian gentleman.
Do not press people to eat more than they appear to like, nor insist upon their tasting of any particular dish : you may so far recommend one, as to mention that it is considered " excel-
DINNERS. '4o
lent." Remember that tastes differ, and viands which please you, may be objects of dishke to others ; and that in consequence of your urgency, very young or very modest people may feel themselves compelled to partake of what may be most disagreeable to them. \
Do not pick your teeth mwcA at table, as, however satisfactory a practice to yourself, to witness it is not at all pleasant.
"^^Ladies should never dine with their gloves on — unless their hands are not fit to be seeriT \
Servants occasionally wait at table in dea7i ivhite gloves : there are few things more dis- agreeable than the thumb of a clumsy waiter in your plate.
46 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
The custom, however, of servants waiting at table in gloves, has never been adopted in the mansions of people of distinction. A white damask napkin, in which his thumb is enveloped, is given to each servant, and this effectually precludes its contact with your plate.
Glass wine-coolers, half filled -with water, should be placed next each person at table.
Finger glasses, filled with warm water, come on with the dessert. Wet a corner of your napkin, and wipe your mouth, then rinse your fingers ; but do not practise the filthy custom of gargling your mouth at table, albeit the usage prevails amongst a few, who think that, because it is a foreign habit, it cannot be dis- gusting.
DINNERS. 4 i
The custom of drinking toasts, and of forcing people to drink bumper after bumper of wine, until drunkenness results, is quite banished from gentlemanly society to its proper place — the tavern. It arises from a mistaken idea of mak- ing visitors welcome ; the Amphitryon of the feast overlooking the fact of its being much more hospitable to allow his guests to do as they please, and to take only as much wine as they may feel convenient or agreeable. It is but a miserable boast, that a man has sufficient ^strength of stomach to sit his companions *^ under the table."
/ Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to divide a very large pear with or for a person.
48 HINTS CN ETIQ,UETTE.
At some of the best houses, coffee is brought into the dining-room before the gentlemen quit the table — a very good custom, as it gently prevents excess, the guests retiring to the ladies immediately afterwards ; it also allows those who have other engagements to take coffee before they quit the hou^e. Coffee should be brought in at an hour previously appointed, without the hell being rung for it, but a sufficient interval must be allowed, lest the wrrst seem chary of his wine. For instance, nine o'clock is a good hour if the dinner were at six ; or ten o'clock for one which commenced at seven.
At present, coffee is not brought into the dining-room in fashionable houses, except when a small party, intending to go to a theatre, are pressed for time — it is always served in the
DINNERS. 49
drawing-room. Nevertheless, the former is a very excellent arrangement in country houses, for very obvious reasons.
Coffee, on the Continent, and sometimes in England, is follovi^ed by liqueurs of two or three kinds, which are left to the choice of the guests, \y and are poured into very small glasses — an unnecessary custom, not to be advocateJ in res^ectabky but only in ^^high^^ society.
Do not suppose that it will exalt you in the opinion of others, by speaking harshly and imperatively to servants, or add at all to your consequence. Never order other people's ser- vants about. At a strange table, say "if you please," and " thank you ; " it may be said in a manner that will not encourage familiarity. 5
50 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
Should your servants break any thing while you are at table, never turn round, or inquire into the particulars, however annoyed you may feel. If your servants betray stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your guests, avoid reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment.
Nothing indicates a well-bred man more than a proper mode of eating his dinner. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation ; but if he be not perfectly "au fait," dinner will betray him.
It is a piece of superlative folly for men who dine at a house to take their round hats into the
DINNERS. 51
drawing-room: it answers no purpose at all; and the necessity of giving them to a servant on entering the dinner room, creates confusion. Men of fashion, nevertheless, invariably take their hats into the drawing-room, where they are left when people go to dinner, and whence they are removed by the servants, and placed m the ante-room or vestibule.
Invitations to dine should be answered to the lady. Invitations to a ball should be in the lady's name, and the answer of course sent to her.
It is customary, when you have been out dining, to leave a card upon the lady the next day, or as soon after as may be convenient.
52 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
Attentions of this sort are not to be expected from professional men, as Doctors, Lawyers, &c.j their time being too valuable to sacrifice in making visits of mere ceremony ; therefore, do not attribute such omission to any want of respect, but to its proper cause — time more usefully occupied
When a man is about to be married, he usually gives a dinner to his bachelor friends ; which is understood to be their conge, unless he choose to renew their acquaintance.
53
CHAP. V.
SMOKING.
If you are so unfortunate as to have con- tracted the J93^ habit of smoking, be careful to practise it under certain restrictions ; at least, so long as you are desirous of being considered fit for civilized society.
The first mark of a gentleman is a sensitive regard for the feehngs of others; therefore, smoke where it is least likely to prove personally offensive by making your clothes smell ; then wash your mouth, and brush your teeth. What man of delicacy could presume to address a lady
64 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE
with his breath smelling of onions ? Yet to- bacco is equally oaious. The tobacco smoker, in public, is the most selfish animal imaginable ; he perseveres in contaminating the pure and fragrant air, careless whom he annoys, and is but the fitting inmate of a tavern.
Smoking in the streets, or in^ a theatre, is only practised by shop-boys, pseudo-fashionables — and the "swell mob."
All songs that you may see written in praise of smoking in magazines or newspapers, or hear sung upon the stage, are puffs, paid for by the proprietors of cigar divans and tobacco shops, to make their trade popular, — therefore, never believe nor be deluded by them.
SMOKING. 55
Chewing tobacco is an abominable habit, which has ascended to the better ranks in America from those "ancient mariners" who were the followers of the original settlers. It is a custom, therefore, essentially vulgar — often lamented, indeed, by those unfortunate enough to practise it, yet who are without the strength of mind sufficient to discontinue it. The spit- ting consequent on chewing tobacco, has been made matter of grave comment, or of well- founded ridicule, by all foreigners who have visited the United States. It is, indeed, directly at variance with all the decencies of Ufe. What an article is a spittoon as an appendage to a handsomely furnished drawing-room! what a nasty receptacle for a secretion entirely the result of an unnecessary practice ! Half the
66 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
consumptions in America are brought on by people spitting up their lungs. Besides, how few men would like to "do the sentimental" to a lady given to "chaw"! Gentlemen, then, should reverse the case, and ask themselves whether ladies would not, at all times, give a preference to those who are not addicted to so disagreeable a practice.
In public places, too, only reflect on the offensive necessity of stepping over pools of . J brown spittle ! or the still more disgusting task of wading through it! The first step towards becoming " gentlemen " is the abandonment of habits universally reprobated in civilized life.
Never be seen in cigar divans or billiard
h SMOKING. 57
rooms ; they are frequented, at best, by an equivocal set. Nothing good can be gained there — and a man loses nis respectability by being seen entering or coming out of such places.
58
CHAP. VI.
SNUFP.
As snuff-laking is merely an idle, dirty habit, practised by stupid people in the una\ ailing endeavor to clear their stolid intellect, and is not a custom particularly offensive to their neighbors, it may be left to each individual taste as to whether it be continued or not. An " Elegant " cannot take much snuff without decidedly ^Mosing caste.''
"Doctor," said an old gentleman, who was an inveterate snuff-taker, to a physician, " is it
SNUFF. 59
true that snuff destroys the olfactory nerves, clogs, and otherwise injures the brain ? " " It cannot be true/' was the caustic reply, " since those who have any brains never take snuff at alV
^
60
CHAP. Vll.
FASHION.
But few things betray greater imbecility of mind than a servile imitation of the extrava- gancefe of any fashionable monster. A man possessed of the delicate and proper feelings of a gentleman would deem himself degraded by copying another, even to the curling of a whisker, or the tie of a cravat ; as, by so doing, he could only show the world of how little importance he felt himself, and the very poor opinion he entertained of his own taste.
Fashion and gentility are very distinct thingi
#
FASHION. 61
-^for which reason, people, really of the highest rank, are too proud to become martyrs to any prevailing mode ; and the man of true taste will limit his compliance with the caprices of fashion to not appearing equally conspicuous for its utter neglect.
62
CHAP. VIIL
DRESS.
It is bad taste to aress m the extreme of fashion ; and, in general, those only do so who have no other claim to distinction, — leave it, in these times, to shopmen and pickpockets. There are certain occasion^, however, when you may dress as gaily as you please, observing the maxim of the ancient poet, to be " great on great occasions." Men often think, when they wear a fashionably-cut coat, an embroidered waistcoat, with a profusion of chains and other trinkets, that they are well dressed, entirely overlooking the less obtrusive, but more certain,
DRESS, X^^V^ OV TRk" "63"\
QIFIVEESITY)
marks of a refined taste. ^The- grand joints arc — well-made shoes, clean gloves, a White pocket handkerchief, and, above all, iin easy and grace- ful deportment.
Overdressing themselves, is a very serious evil ~^, in the young men of America, "who usually look \ as if they had come out of a bandbox. It should not be overlooked, that those people who \ overstudy their dress, are conscious of their inferiority, and hope by such means to raise themselves in the public estimation. They have so very poor an opinion of their own importance, as to believe that they require outside show, in order to attract any notice at all. How much better would it be for them to study politeness and real refinement instead ! Only recol ect how disadvantageous the reaction is, when, on con-
64 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
versing with a fashionably-dressed man, you discover that his conversation is far below his appearance, whilst his ungrammatical or inel- egant expressions at once point him out as belonging to an inferior order of society. The man of unpretenaing exterior escapes all this, whilst all must have noticed how much a simply- dressed man rises in importance, when we dis- cover that his quiet costume covers ability, edu- cation, and true refinement.
Do not affect singularity in dress, by wearing out-of-the-way hats, or gaudy waistcoats, &c., and so become contemptibly conspicuous ; nothing is more easy than to attract attention in such a manner, since it requires neither sense nor taste. A shrewd old gentleman said of one of these " ninnies," that " he would rather
i
DRESS. 65
he taken for a fool, than not he noticed at alV
A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking man, may render one who is neither, ridiculous ; as, althoiigh the former may wear a remarkable waistcoat, or singular coat, almost with impunity, the latter, by adopting a similar costume, exposes himself to the laughter of all who see him. An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be preferred, as it prepossesses every one in favor of the wearer.
i Never affect the " ruffianly " style of dress, unless, as some excuse, you hold a brilliant position in society. A nobleman, or an exceed- ingly elegant and refined man, is sometimes ^oolish enough to disguise himself, and assume 6«
66 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE.
the ^'ruffian," as it amuses him to mark the surprise of people at the contrast between his appearance and his manners ; but if you have no such pretensions, let your' costume be as unos- tentatious as possible, lest people only remark tliat ^' your dress is as coarse as your mindy
There is nothing, indeed, so vulgar, nor so indicative of an equivocal person, as a man being extremely ^* fashionable " in his dress, when unaccompanied by the adjuncts du hon ton, or the appointments of a gentleman. An Elegant in a curricle does very well ; but a " Swell in a bus," is always a person of doubtful position. The huge, brilliant shirt-pin, which sparkles in the breast of a Jew stockbroker, is vulgar from its very size ; whilst the ci/e of a gcnilcmariy however poor he may be^ is a gem
DRESS. 67
which positioiv has given him, as a counter- balance to the assumption which too often accompanies meanly acquired wealth, and carries with it a command which the parvenu mil- lionaire w^ould give his largest diamond to ac- quire. Never forget that its power may occasionally be useful to repress impertinent advances.
Always wear your gloves in church or in a theatre.
Avoid wearing jewelry, unless it be in very good taste, and then only at proper seasons. This is the age of mosaic gold and other trash ; ^nd by dint of swindfing, any one may become " flashy " at a small expense. Recollect that every shop-boy can coarsely imitate your " out-
68 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
ward and visible sign," if he choose to save his money for that purpose. If you will stand out in " high and bold relief," endeavor to become eminent for some virtue or talent, that people may say, " There goes the celebrated (not the 7iotorious) Mr. So-and-so.
It is a delicate subject to hint at the incon- gruities of a lady's dress, — yet, alas! it forces itself upon our notice when we see a female attired with elaborate gorgeousness, picking her steps along the sloppy streets, after a week's siiow and a three days' thaw, ivalkiiig in a dress only fit for a carriage. When country people visit London, and see a lady enveloped in ermine and velvets, reclining in a carriage, they are a'pt to imagine it is the fashionable dress, and adopt it accordingly, overlooking the coronet em-
DK£:ss. 69
blazoned on the panels, and that its occupant is a duchess or a marchioness at the least, and that were the same person to walk, she would be in a very different costume, and then only attended by a footman.
Ladies of good taste seldom wear jewelry m the morning ; and when they do, they confine themselves to trinkets of gold, or those in which opaque stones only are introduced. Ornaments with brilliant stones are unsuited for a mornmg costume.
70
CHAP. IX.
OF MUSIC IN GENERAL SOCIETY.
It is the misfortune of musical people gen- erally to be such enthusiasts, that, once begin- ning, they seldom know when to leave off: ther6 are few things a greater scccatura than a long " Concerto," or duett upon the pianoforte, or an ^' Air with (endless) variations." The listeners get fidgetty and tired, although they are usually too polite to say so. I once sat next to a foreigner, who had endured with exemplary patience a tedious " Concerto," and who, when it was finished, applauded vehemently, then,
OF MUS# IN GENERAL SOCIETY. 71
turning round to me with a droll expression of coLntenance, said, '^ perche si finisceJ^ *
Nothing, however, is more rude than to con- verse whilst people are singing. If you do not like music sufficiently to listen to it, you should remember that others may do so, and that not only do you interrupt their enjoyment of it, but you offer an offence to the singers.
A song now and then is very desirable, as it is a relief to conversation, but half a dozen con- secutively, even from St. Cecilia in person, would become a bore ; besides which, people are now accustomed to hear popular songs exe- cuted by those whose profession it is, with a
* *Becaus? it's finished."
72 HINTS ON ETIQ.UETTE.
N
superiority rarely attainable in private life, so thai amateurs seldom do more than provoke unfortu- nate comparisons. However, when highly-gifted musicians arc found in private society, we have generally observed their delicacy to be in propor- tion to their excellence.
But the case is much worse when a profes- sional " violinist " is admitted into a private party: he either flourishes away, unconscious that he is not in an orchestra, or else, desirous to prove his superiority over the '^ dilettanti, ^^ he overpowers them with a tone which might fill a cathedral. The best fiddles scream too much in (comparatively) small rooms, however delicately they may be played ; besides that few even of the first English musicians seem to understand what an ^* accompaniment " really means, each
OF MUSIC IN GENERAL. SOCIETY. 73
performer being too intent on making his par- ticular instrument heard above the rest, to care about the subject, or to feel that an " accompa- niment" should be subdued, and subservient to the voice.
We once heard the silver tones of an exqui- site singer completely overpowered, between the shriekings of a fiddle, the vain-glorious grum- blings of a violoncello, and the wheezings of^a- dyspeptic flute.
74
CHAP/ X
DANCING.
With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as stewards, or there will be a "master of the ceremonies," whose office it is to see that every thing be con- ducted in a proper manner ; if you are entirely a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a > partner, and point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of rank, they will present you for that purpose ; should there be an objection, they will probably select some one
DANCIUCr. 75
they consider more suitable ; but do not, on any account, go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an imper- tinent fellow for your presumption.
Any presentation to a lady in a public ball- room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards ; therefore, should you meet her the next day, do not attempt to address her. At most, you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided, — unless, indeed, she first bow, — as neither she
0
nor her friends can know who or what you are.
In France, Italy, Germany and Russia, gentle- men invariably take off their h^ts to everj lady in whose society they had ever previously been,
76 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
even though no introduction had taken place; but they do not consider themselves authorized to address a lady in conversation to whom they have hot been presented. This is surely the usage most consistent with true politeness towards women.
Do not wear hlnck or colored gloves, lest your partner look sulky ; even should you be in mourning, wear white gloves, not Hack, People in DEEP mourning have no business in a ball- room at all.
Lead the lady through the quadrille ; do not drag her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she not unjustly think you a boor.
You will not, if you are wise, stand up in
DANCING. 77
a quadrille without knowing something of the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, so much the better. But dance quietly ; do not kick and caper about, nor sway your body to and fro ; dance only from the hips downwards ; and lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of gossamer.
Do not pride yourself on doing " steps neatly," unless you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and those of a gentleman there is a great difference.
If a lady should civilly decline to dance with you, making an excuse, and you chance to see her dancing afterwards, do not take any notice of it, nor be offended with her. It might not be that she despised you^ but that she j^rcjerred 7*
78 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
i
another. We cannot always fathom the hidden springs which influence a woman's actions, and there are many bursting hearts within white satin dresses ; therefore do not insist upon the fulfil- ment of established regulations " de rigueur." Besides, it is a hard case that women should be compelled to dance with every body oflered them, at the alternat^e of not being allowed to enjoy themselves at all.
If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and slie promises to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfil your office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even inattention and forgetfuhiess, by
DANCING. 79
showing, how little you care for a lady, form* in themselves a tacit insult.
If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist ; you must only lightly touch it with the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her ceinturc, but on her mind.
Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room ; it disturbs the harmony of the com- pany, and should be avoided, if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur through the igno- rance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any intention to annoy ; remember, also, that realhj well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officious-
50 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
ness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be any serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way.
If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet friends or ac- quaintances whom you do not intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the Jirst time of passing ; to bow or to nod to them every round would be tiresome, and therefore improper; do not be afraid that they will think you odd or unfriendly, as, if they huve any sense at all, they will appreciate your reasons. If you have any thing to say to them, join them at once.
ei
CHAP. XL
CONVERSATION.
Many men of talent forget that the object of conversation is to entertain and amuse, and that society, to be agreeable, must never be made the arena of dispute. Some persons spoil every party they join by making it their only object to prove that every one present is in the wrong but themselves.
It requires so much tact and good-breeding to sustain an argument, however logical and correct the arguer may be, that an avoidance of it will
82 HINTS ON ETIQ^UETTE.
gain him more popularity than a triumph over his adversary could accomplish.
Even slight inaccuracy in statement of facts or opinions should rarely be remarked on in conversation.
A man should never permit himself to lose his temper in society — not shoio that he has taken offence at any supposed slight — it places him in a disadvantageous position — betraying an absence of self-respect, — or ai the least of self-possession.
If a "puppy" adopt a disagreeable tone of voice — or offensive manner towards you — never resent it at the time — and above all do not adopt the same style in your conversation with him ;
CONVERSATION. 83
appear not to notice it, and generally it will be iiscontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed in its object ; besides which — you save voia emper.
Be careful in company how you defend your . friends, unless the conversation be addressed to yourself. Remember that nobody is perfect, and people may sometimes speak the truth ; and that, if contradicted, they may be desirous of justifying themselves, and will prove what might otherwise have been a matter of doubt.
Wit elicits wit; and when such brilliant materials meet, they form the flint and steel of conversation ; appreciation is the tinder, which, though not bright in itself, receives and cher- ishes the scintillations as they fall Who has
"84 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
not felt his intellect expand with the assurance of havinj^ what he says understood ? Apprecia- tion certainly is a talent.
Never offer to confer on a person an act of civility or attention, and then neglect to carry it into effect, since there cannot be a greater impertinence — and the other party will with great justice feel offended.
Not to offer an easy act of courtesy, mar/ be ungracious, but no one can reasonably quarrel with you for choosing to withhold it. The offer, however, once made, the case assumes a very different aspect, and you may very properly be called on to state your reasons for its non-fulfil- ment, since the other party may rationally as- sume those reasons to be injurious to themselves
CONVERSATION. 85
Never "talk at people'' — it is in the worst possible taste, as it is taking an unfair advantage of them ; if there be any thing you dislike, " out with it If old 1 1/, ^' and give tliem an opportunity of explaining, or of defending themselves, — or else be silent.
Do not say a person is "affable," unless he or she be of very high rank, as it implies conde- scension. PwOYAL personages are "gracious."
Do not repeat the name of the person to whom you are speaking, as, — " Indeed, Mr. Stubbs, you don't say so. Sir," — or, " Really, Mrs. Fidkins, I quite agree with you, Mrs. Fidkins." It is a sufficiently bad habit in an equal, but in one of lower rank it becomes an impertinence.
8
I
86 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
In talking of your own children, never speak of them as ''Master William," or ''Miss Jane;" " Mr. Henry " or " Miss Louisa : " it is a 'miserable attempt to elevate both them and yourself, which will assuredly fail, as it is prac- tised by those only who have recently risen above that dingy .mass of mediocrity — "the multi- tude ; " leave it, therefore, to others to pay them so proper a mark of respect, secure that none but very intimate friends will take the liberty of
calling them plain " Mary " or " Edward ; "
this is an important caution, as it is generally the first error committed by the " nouveaux riches,^'
With American ladies of the second class, there is a great proneness to construe the com- monest expressions and words into having
CONVERSATION. 87
indelicate meanings — to realize, indeed, the sailor's axiom of being " nasty nice," or virtually to embody Swift's biting truism, that "the nicest people have the nastiest ideas." The ^ truth is, that, in America, female delicacy has become morbid, and has gone beyond that whole- some propriety of feeling, which distinguishes \/ betwe^'n an intended grossness, and a word which is fully understood to have no other meaning than that which it expresses. Extreme delicacy borders closely on indelicacy, and a gentleman, especially an Englishman, is some- times compelled to rack his brains in order to discover how that which he has said can be so distorted from its true meaning; and the dis- covery, when made, however it may amuse him at its ingenuity, rarely elevates the lady in his opinion, but rather astonishes him at the gross-
88 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
ness of sentiment which it implies, and which must have existed in her mind before she was gauche enough to let. it appear. If any thing reaily equivocal be said, the lady sliould be the last to let it he known that she understands it.
As a sequence to this, may be noticed a ludicrously vulgar refinement of speech, common to pseudo elegants, namely, the use of synonymes so awfully select, as might well astound even a Crabbe. We heard of one young man in America, who, desiring some "stuffing'' with his turkey, asked for "some of the inser- tion''^ I ! ! which was exquisite refinement, with a vengeance. The fact is, that the old joke of " decapitating the luminaries," for snuffing the candles, is continually and seriously being realized in America, Really well-educated
CONVERSATION. 89
people, conscious that their acquircmenis cannot be disputed, are infinitely more careless in their expressions, than those less favored ; whilst the elevated (not inflated) style, occasionally neces- sary in literature, would be considered, by gentlemen, vulgarly pedantic in ordinary society. The educated man can afford to descend, whilst the more refined a person of doubtful position may be, the greater is the suspicion of its being genuine. Young men should avoid using avow- edly vulgar expressions, but be equally careful not to stick their '^ parts of speech " on stilts so high, as to prevent their descending again to the simplicity of social conversation. In Boston, poor Fanny Kemble became the subject of much animadversion, for using the word " dawdling," which simply implies '' laziness," ojid nothing else. The acquirements of one so gifted, and 8*
90 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
I superior in intellect to the average of her sex. should have been sufficient to shield her from such absurd and underbred criticism
Above all things, do not mistake stiffness for dignity ; the very spirit of good-breeding consists in being easy and natural yourself — and in the endeavor to make others the same. Etiquette is only the armour of society ; and when your position is fairly established, it may be thrown aside, at least so far as is consistent with good feeling and decorum.
Avoid a loud tone of voice in conversation, or a " horse laugh : " both are exceedingly vulgar ; and if practised, strangers may think that you have been "cad" to an omnibus. There is a slightly subdued patrician tone of voice, which
CONVERSATION. 91
we feai can only be acquired in good society. Be cautious also how you take the lead in con- versation, unless it be forced upon you, lest people reiterate the remark made on a certain occasion upon that '^ Brummagem " Johnson, Doctor Parr, — that " he was like a great toe in society ; the most ignoble part of the body, yet ever thrust foremost J'
Be very careful how you "show off" in strange company, unless you be thoroughly con- versant with your subject, as you are never sure of the person next to whom you may be seated. It is a common occurrence for young gentlemen of very shallow pretensions indeed, to endeavor to astonish country society, never dreaming that experienced London men may be present, when an exposure most probably follows as a penalty
92 HINTS ON ETKtUETTE.
for their presumption. For instance — never talk largely of the ''Opera," — "Pasta, Grisi, Lablache,'' &c., on the strength of having been there once or twice only, lest you unwittingly address some old frequenter of the theatre, who has for the last twenty years been accustomed to hear all the " Primi cantanti, serii e bujji,^^ and who will, most likely, have every opera, its " casts," and music, at his tongue's end ; neither talk learnedly of pictures, — '-bits," "effects," or of "masters," — "Titian," " Pwubens," Slc, from the very slight information to be obtained from copies or engravings, for Icar some sly old fellow, who is conversant with all the " collec- tions " from " Dan to Beersheba," should be malicious enough to analyze^ your knowledge ; indeed, as the consciousness of ignorance is apt to make people peculiarly sensitive, it would be
CONVERSATION. 93
as well to avoid all subjects with whicli you Imow the generality of persons present cannot he acquainted ; for, as the mere introduction of such topics will be considered and resented as an assumption on your part, should you happen to be vanquished on your own ground, your defeat will be relished proportionably. Remember that, if tjou are quiet in society, you will, at least, have credit for discretion, and be more likely to escape annoyance ; it is display alone that courts publicity and provokes criticism. It would astonish and frighten the mock brilliants we so often meet, could they but know how quickly and infallibly the practised eye will detect their position in the world, in spite of the gaudy lacker spread over (in the hope of concealing) a homely material ; m such cases, gorgeous vestments act but as conductors to the coarse shirt, and clumsy
94 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
ill-made boots — such as a gentleman could not wear; the vulgar pronunciation of one word, or an awkward undrilled walk, is sufficient to render more than doubtful the legitimacy of the most captivating exterior.
It is a matter of observation, that there are so few people who know how to walk properly, and who do not ''get along" with a Ibunging ^^ slewing ^^ gait; also the many pseudo '' mili- • taires," who appear never to have known, that to carry themselves erect — to step well — and to turn out their toes — are amongst the earliest and most indispensable preparations for a mil- itary life.
There cannot be a custom more vulgar or offensive than that of taking a person aside to
CONVERSATION "^^ OV TB^ 9& \
whisper in a room with compMjjJ^etjS^^ ness is of frequent occurrence —^^drnt persons who ought to know better.
Lounging on sofas, or reclining in chairs when in society, as if in the privacy of one's own dressing-room or study, is always consid- ered indecorous ; but in the presence of ladies is deemed extremely vulgar.
There are but few things that display worse taste than the introduction of professional topics in general conversation, especially if there be ladies present ; the minds of those men must be miserably ill-stored, who cannot find other sub- jects for conversation than their own profes- sions. Who has not felt this on having been compelled to listen to " clerical slang," musty
96 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
CO lege jokes, and anecdotes divested of all interest beyond the atmosphere of an uni- versity ; or " law " jokes, with " good stories " of " learned counsel ; " *' long yarns ; " or the equally tiresome muster-roll of "our regiment'' — colonels dead, maimed majors retired on pensions, subs lost or " exchanged," gravitating between Boulogne and the King's Bench ? — All such exclusive topics are signs either of a ' limited intellect, or the most lamentable igno- rance.
Making the " sports of the field," or anec- dotes of the clubs, the topics of conversation in female society, will subject a man to the imputation of having a very mauvais ton ; in- deed, people should be careful not to introduce topics that have only a local interest, and not to
CONVERSATION. 97
speak slightingly of those who are the friends of any of the guests.
Mothers should be on their guard not to repeat nursery anecdotes or hon-jnots, as, how- ever interesting to themselves, they are seldom so to others. Long stories should always be avoided, as, however well told, they interrupt general conversation, and leave the impression that the narrator thought the circle dull, and consequently endeavored to amuse it.
An exceedingly vulgar custom prevails in the northern part of England, — that of women using the titles of their husbands as marks of disthiction to themselves; being spoken of, or written to, and even having printed on their cards, <• Mrs. Cap. Guhbins/' '' Mrs. Dr. Bo- 9
08 HINTS ON ETiqUETTE*
raj," or the more balmy and euphonious appel- lation of '' Mrs. Col. Figgins/^ (generally the flaxen-haired owner of a bilious Colonel, from "Choultry Plains," and late of Cheltenham.) It springs from a desire to sliovv the world how much they are exalted by their husbands' rank above the '^Muggs" and *' Jenkinses " of low hfe. How oddly "Mrs. Alderman Tibbs," or " Mrs. Churchwarden Hobbs," would sound ! To such an extent is this desire for title carried, that at Aberdeen a row of dram-shops near the Pier is placarded as being kept by " Mrs. Cap- tain Gordon," " Mrs. Captain M'Dougal," &,c., being the consorts of the " masters " of the trading smacks. The proper mode of distin- guishing the wives of various members, of the same family is by using the Christian name ; as Mrs. Edward, Mrs. James, &c., as the case may be
CONVERSATION. 99
Never use the term ^^ genteel.'^ Do not speak of '' genteel people ; ^^ it is a low estimate of good-breedmg, used only by vulgar persons, and from their lips implies that union of finery, flip- pancy, and affectation, often found in those but one remove from " hewers of wood and drawers of water." Substitute " ludl-bred person,^^ " man- ners of a genilewomany^ or of ''' a genikman^^' instead.
Never use the initial of a person's name- to designate him ; as '' Mr. P.," '' Mrs. C," " Miss W.," Slc, Nothing is more abominable than to hear a woman speak of her husband as *^Mr. B."
In speaking to ladies of title, do not say -^my lady," it being only proper for servants and
100 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
tradespeople so to do ; you may occasionally say '^ your ladyship," as it shows that you are aware of their claim to the distinction.
The fear of being thought vulgar, often drives
meritorious people who have risen by their own
exertions, into the opposite extreme, and causes
them to be superlatively delicate. Such persons r are shocked at the sound of '^ breeches, ^^ will
substitute '• inebriated " for " very dru7ik,^^ and
cannot be brought to allow there are such ani-
. mals as " women " in the world.
It is also a clumsy attempt at refinerrient to use a particular set of words : at present we have '• splendid travelling," *^ splendid gin," ^^ splendid potatoes," &c.
101
CHAP. XII.
ADVICE TO TRADESPEOPLE.
By tradespeople I do not mean merchants or manufacturers, but shopkeepers and retailers of various goods, who will do well to remember that people are respectable in their own sphere only, and that when they attempt to step out of it they cease to he so. When exceptions are made by the world, it is generally in favor of briUiant genius or extraordinary acquirements, and, even then, it can only be by the prevailing suffi'age of society ; therefore do not attempt to claim the acquaintance of those above you, lest 9*
102 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
you meet a mortifying repulse. Many will say, '*We are just as good as they are, and as respectable." So you ari, but yet not fit companions for each other. Society is divided into various orders, each class having its own views, its peculiar education, habits, and tastes ; so that the conversation of the one would prob- ably be most uninteresting to the other. It is the fashion to talk of the spread of education — and, so far as merely reading and writing go, it is true ; but they are only the first steps to a cultivated mind, and the literary acquirements of a man of business, are necessarily confined to reading the newspaper. He has no time for any thing else ; and, however skilful in his trade, cannot form an idea of that man^s mind who has devoted all his energies to science or Hterature. Nay, can you suppose that even the merchant
ADVICE TO TRADESPEOPLE, 103
of Portland Place * and the occupant of the back parlor to a butcher's shop think and feel alike ? Certainly not ; and recollect also, that however highly you maij estimate yourself, the world will judge you by any standard rather than your own.
The English are the most aristocratic dem- ocrats in the world ; always endeavoring to squeeze through the portals of rank and fashion, and then slamming the door in the face of any unfortunate devil who may happen to be behind them.
" rortland Place," in London, is the residence of the higher order of merchants — that class which stands next in rank to the " gentry " of England; of whose families, indeed, many are the scions ; — more than ignoble, yet rarely possess- ing feudal claims to aristocratical distinction.
104
CHAP. XIII.
VISITING.
If you arc thrown amongst fashionable peoi)lc, you must not pay a visit to a lady before three o'clock p. m., nor after five, as, if you call before that time, you will interrupt those avocations which more or less occupy every JaJy in the early part of the day ; if later than five o'clock, you will prevent her driving out.
This does not at all apply to America, where the hours are so much earlier. It is not in- tended to attempt changing the customs of a country in some respects ratlonallv differing
VISITING. 105
from those of Europe, but only to notice those habits that can and ought to be ahered for the better.
On returning visits, a card left at the house is generally considered all that is necessary ; but, if you are admitted, do not make a morning vi.sit too long, lest you interfere with the engage- ments of the mistress of the Iiouse.
Never leave your hat in the hall when you pay a morning visit ; it makes you look too much at home ; take it with you into the room.
If you are ^desirous of making a friendly or iin professional acquaintance with a professional man, either leave your card «vith him, or be careful to tell him that you will be happy if he
WB HINTS ON ETIi^UETTE.
will visit you. Otherwise he will, as a matter of course, consider your visit to him as pnrely professional, and will not run the risk of return- ing a call which was not intended to be recip- rocated. We have known several forward professional people get into "an awkward fix" by returning visits made merely in a profes- sional way, and by so doing subjecting them- selves to disasfrceable remarks
107
CHAP. XIV
VISITING CARDS,
When a family arrive in London, they should send out cards to their acquaintances to inform them of that event, as well as of their address.
The names of the daughters who have been oresented are to be inscribed on the cards of their mothers.
One card is sufficient for a mother and daughters to leave, and should there be
daughters or sisters residing with the lady called
«
on, the cornel )r corners of the card may be
103 HINTS OS ETIQ,UETTE.
turned down, to signify that the visit is meant for them also.
When a married lady makes a call, she may leave her husband's card.
It is not unusual for persons to send cards by their servants lo return visits ; but this mode is considered disrespectful, excepting when it is 10 return thanks for " inquiries.''
On the Continent, persons inscribe on their cards " en jpersojine,^^ to show that they them- selves have come, and not sent their cards. Many of the English, regardless of the motive, notwithstanding its being so evident, had the same words written on theirs, and the persons to whom these cards were sent not unfrequently
VISITING CARDS. 109
had cards with " en personne " thrust into tlie hands of their porter by a laquais Je place, when they were in the vestibule, or entering their carriages, which excited much laugliter, the servants also joining in the mirth.
When a wadding takes place in a family, the cards of the newly married pair are sent round to all their acquaintances to apprize them of the event. The cards me sent out by the bridegroom to his acquaintances, and by the parents of the bride to theirs. Jn some instances, the cards have been united by silken or silver cords ; but this mode has not been adopted by people of fashion.
To those who leave cards at the residence of the bride and bridegroom during their absence 10
no HINTS ON ETK^UETTE
in the " honeymoon," cards are sent to inform them of their return.
When f.ards are left for married people who reside with their parents or relatives, their names should be written on the cards left for them, to preclude mistakes.
When persons witnout parents are married, they should send their cards to their acquaint- ances.
Foreign ladies always inscribe their maiden names, as well as their married ones, on their
cards — as, "La Comtesse de M nee de
S ; " this explains to what family they
belong, and prevents mistakes where there are others of the same name. An English lady,
''ISITING CARDS. Ill
observing this mode, and wishing to adopt it, left her cards with the following inscription,
*« Mrs. Popkins nee Tibbetts," to the no
small amusement of the quizzer with whom they were left.
In giving dinners, endeavor to engage per- sons only who are known to each other, or who mutually desire to become acquainted. Exceptions may be made in favor of persons of acknowledged merit, or of high distinction.
In society, verbal invitations are often given to balls or concerts, by persons with whom_ you are only slightly acquainted, and have not previously visited : in such a case, it is proper to leave a card beforehand on the lady at whose house the soiiee is to take place, that
112 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
she may be made acquainted with your name and intention — so that you may be expected; because you may have received an invitation fiom her husband, of which she was ignorant, and he may not be there to present you. Should it so occur, a card previously left will prevent either party looking foolish, or the stranger appearing '^de trop."
Some doubts having arisen, after a death, as to the proper period of returning cards of " thanks " for visits of condolence, we believe there is no fixed time ; for, as cards of thanks imply that the bereaved parties are prepared to receive visitors, it must be, with them, en- tirehj a matter of feeling •
In Franccj aeains, oirins, and marriages are
VISITING CARDS. 1 13
announced by unsealed letters sent round by the heads of the family in which the event has occurred. These arc called '' leitres de fairc part.^^ Those addressed to relatives are written by the chef dc famille ; and those to friends and acquaintances are printed.
II »
114
CHAP. XV.
cauds.
Card-tables are general iy set out in a room appropriated to their use, or else in the room of reception, where they arc placed apart. When coffee has been served, the master or mistress of the house proposes cards to the visitors, and those disposed to play advance to the table, at which a fresh pack of cards is opened, and spread, and each person intending to play draws a card. The persons wlio draw the highest card are excluded from tlie rubber: but the four individuals who have drawn the lowest, again draw cards for partners; the two
CARDS. 115
highest become partners ; and the two wno have drawn the lowest have the choice of seats and the deal.
At the commencement of every fresh rubber the players again cut for partners. Wagers are made in preference with the persons playing ; but if they decline to accept them, a player is justilied m betting with any of the spectators.
In good society it is considered mouvais ton to be too punctilious c(!id exacting with regard to the penalties incurred through mistakes, which, in general, are only enforced at the Clubs, where ^* play " is looked on as an affair on the stock exchange ; where each individual profits by the indiscretion of his opponent.
116 niNTS ON ETKIUETTE
To lo§e without any exhibition of ill-humor, and to win wllhout any symptom of exulta- tion, are deemed characteristic of high breed- ing and savoir vivre, and those who cannot always remember this, would do well to give up play.
Women should never play except for trifling sums, and not even then, unless they can retain the command of their temper ; she who wishes to win a heart, or to retain one, should never permit her admirers to behold her at cards, as the anxiety fhey produce is as de structive to beauty as to sentiment.
117
CHAP. XVI.
TATTLING.
It has somewhere been observed that, " In good society, a tacit understanding exists that whatsoever conversation may take place shall be to a certain degree sacred, and may not honorably be carried out of it, and repeated to the prejudice of the utterer." This axiom cannot be too strongly inculcated ; as, if such practices were allowed, all confidence would be destroyed, and there would be no end to the mischief caused by silly or malignant people.
Conversations ever have taken place, and
118 HINTS ON ETK^UETTj:..
ever will, in which opinions are given, and motives scrutinized, truly and justly too, and with decided advantage to the world, as it is very often the only way in which one half of mankind can be put upon their guard against the other ; nevertheless, but few people would be pleased to learn that their designs, their foibles, or their weaknesses, had been made the subject of discussion, as most men flatter themselves the world will take them at what- ever value they may choose to set upon themselves. There are none, therefore, so despicable, as those traitors to society who hurry from house to house, laden with the remarks made by one party upon another ; stirring up discord and strengthening hatred wheresoever they appear, — by whom every unguarded ex- pression is distorted or magnified, and who
TATTLING. 119
take a malicious pleasure (too often under the guise of aflTeclion) in wounding one friend at the expense of another. This is the bane of country society, and falls particularlyVfaeavy on those " accustomed to all the freedom of thought and frankness of expression of a great capital, and who find it difficult, if not impossible, to adopt the caution so necessary in a small community." *
Consequently, give your oicn cpinion of people if you choose, but you are not at liberty to repeat that of others. Only fancy the result of one lady saying to another, " Well, Maria, what do you think Miss Ma- caw says of YOU ? She says, that you havo
* Life of Mackintosh.
120 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
the thickest ankles, and tlie thinnest arms, of any girl in the country ; with a contour like an Alligator, and a head like a Bhon I ! ! "
Be cautious how you indulge in badinage in the presence of dull, common-place people ; they will either get out of temper in conse- quence of taking what you say literally, or else will stare and wonder at you fpr being such a " strange man." '^ Poor Susan ! " said a gentleman to a pretty girl. " Poor, indeed ! " replied the lady, with an indignant toss of the head ; " not so poor as that comes to. Papa can give us something." — What an anticipa- tion for the sensitive aspirant I
121
CHAP. XVII.
OF GENERAL SOCIETY.
If you meet a lady of your acquaintance in the street, it is her j)art to notice you first, unless, indeed, you are very intimate. The reason is, if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and tliere is no remedy; but if she bow to you — you, as a gentleman, cannot cut her.
On the Continent the fashion in this instance,
as in many others, is exactly the reverse. No
lady, however intimate you may be with her,
will acknowledge your acquaintance la the
11
122 HINTS ON ETTQ^TTETTE.
street, unless you are the first to honor her, with a bow of recognition. It must be obvi- ous, however, to all thinking persons, that our own custom is the most in accordance with good taste.
Never nod to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied with touching your hat, but take it off, — it is a courtesy her sex demands.
Never keep your hat on when handing a lady to her box or to her carriage.
Never slam the door of a box with violence, nor speak loudly enough to disturb an audi- ence. When you visit a lady in her box at the opera, be sure to leave it when other visitors enter, lest you be de irojp.
OF GENERAL SOCIETr. 123
Never sit in the boxes of a theatre with your hat on; it is an insult to the rest of the audience, especially if there be ladies.
There is nothing in which the young would- be-fine -gentleman in America more completely betrays himself than by his conduct in a theatre. He throws open the box-door, lounges in, leaves the door o^ien, to show his indepen- dence of all the rules of good-breeding, and his utter want of consideration for the comfort of others. He sits with his hat on ; and, when tired of the performance, lounges out again, leaving the box-door open, for the rest of the occupants to shut af cr him. It is this vulgar selfishness, so doubly conspicuous in such a place, that has almost banished real gentlemen from the theatre, it not being worth their while
124 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
to create a disturbance by demanding a com- pliance with rules that common politeness should suggest. So they quietly withdraw themselves, leaving dramatic entertainments to merchants' clerks, young students, clerks in stores, and such small fry as do not think it worth while to qualify themselves for the society of those su- perior to them, and who are shallow enough to mistake vulgar swagger for fashionable Jion- chala nee, txnd low-bred selfishness for republican independence.
Do not insist upon pulling off your glove on a very hot day when you shake hands with a lady. If it be off, uhy, all very well ; but it is better to run the risk of being considered un- gallant, than to present a clammy ungloved hand.
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 125
Never, indeed, offer your nand, unless wi II assured that it is in a presci stable state of frigidity ; (or the touch of a tepid hand chills the warmest feehngs.
On entering a coffee-house, and sitting down, iaJce ojf your hat ; it is only a proper mark of respect to your own class, towards whom you i^uld i)ay the same deference you exact from ot^rs.
If you meet a friend in the street — in a coffee-house, shop, or indeed any public place, never address Iiim hy name ; at least, not so loudly as that olhers may hear it : sensitive people do not like to be " shown up " to strangers as ''Mr. Jones," or *' Mr. Smith," and so attract disagreeable notice. Accost your 11*
126 HINTS ON KTiqUETTE.
friend quietly ; and do not 7'oar out, " Ah ! Mr. Smith ! how do you do, Mr. Smith ? " it is very offensive, and shows a great want of proper dehcacy.
Do not strain after great people, — for, although they like the homage, inasmuch as it flatters their vanity, yet they despise the dis- penser of it. Pay them, however, all proj respect ; but do not forget what is di yourself.
proj^
f
As a general rule — it is the place of the superior in rank to speak first to the inferior.
Wlien presented to a person of high rank, you should leave a card at his house the next day.
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 127
If you have been in society with a noble- man, and should chance to meet him again elsewhere, leave it to him to speak first, or to recognise you. If you claim his acquaintance, you give him an opportunity of behaving supercihously to you, which would be as well avoided.
An unfortunate Clerk of the Treasury, who, because he was in the receipt of a good salary, besides being a " Triton amongst the minnows " of Clapham Common,* fancied himself a great man, dined at the Beef Steak Club, where he sat next to a noble Duke, who, desirous of
* A common locality for government clerks and for shop- keepers, wealthy enoug : to live away from their places of busines3.
123 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE.
putting him at case with himself, conversed freely vvil'j fc-im, yet probably forgot even the existence of such a person half an hour after- wards. Meeting his Grace in the street some days after, and encouraged by his previous condescension, the hero of the quill, bent on claiming his acquaintance, accosted him in a familiar *• hail-fellow-well-met-ish " manner, — " Ah, my Lord, how d'ye do ? " The Duke looked surprised. '^ May I know. Sir, to ivhom I have the honor of speaking ? " said his Grace, drawing up. *' Oh 1 wliy — don't you know? We dined together at the Beef Steak Club, the other evening ! — Tivi Mr. Tim:»is of the Treasury!!" "Then,'' said the Duke, turn- ing on his heel, '' Mr. Timms of the Treas- ury, I wish you a good morningJ'
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 129
Remember that all your guests are equal for the time being, and have a similar claim to your courtesies ; nay, if there be a difference shown, those of the lesser raok require a liitle more attention than the rest, that they rnay not be made to feel their inferiority.
There is no more common or absurd mistake tlian supposing that, because people are of high rank, they cannot be vulgar ; — or that if peo- ple be in an obscure station, they cannot be well bred. We have seen as many instances of vulgarity in a peer as could be found in a grazier; and have noticed as many examples of a perfect freedom from the least taint of it in persons in humbh life, as could be desired in a duchess.
130 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
Nothing raore clearly indicates the true gentleman, than a desire evinced to oblige or accommodate^ whenever it is possible or reason- able ; it forms the broad distinction between the well-bred man of the world, and the coarse and brutal crowd — the irreclaimably vulgar, — vul- gar, not from their inferiority of station, but because they arc coarse and brutal. Neverthe- less, we often find persons so selfish and super- cilious, and of so equivocal an importance, that they fancy any compliance with the wishes of the many, would tend to lessen their dignity in the eyes of their companions, and who foolishly imagine that a good coat places them above the necessity of conciliating the feelings of tht multitude by the performance of an act of courtesy. It is evident there cannot be a greater mistake, since even the lower classeg
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 131
(whatever their own practices may be) keenly appreciate, and gratefully acknowledge, the slightest consideration shown to them by their superiors. That persons should be found weak enough to beheve themselves above control, is lamentable, as such silliness can only expose them to the ridicule of their equals, and the contempt of their superiors.
A perfect freedom from affectation, and an observance of the feelings of others, will always exempt a person from the charge of vulgarity.
Be careful to offer a favor jn such a manner as not to offend the delicacy of those whom you wisli to serve. Favors may be so conferred as to become insults. If kindness and a desire to obUge induce you to offer an '* attention," do
132 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
not jyirss It after it has been once refused, and so affront ill-tempered or' testy people. A friend who had been dining a short distance from London, when about to return, said to one of tlie party, *' Sir, my carriage is at the door ; if . agreeable, I shall be happy to take you to town." — "lam much obliged to you,"- replied the ungracious Mr. Tubbs, drawing himself up, **but — / have a carriage of my oimy
Vulgar people like to be solicited — to con- cede a favor only on the most humiliating terms, being the lowest gratification of the coarsest vanity... There is no greater proof of high breeding — which, by the way, is high feeling — than the conferring a benefit without the indelicacy of exacting a revolting suppli- cation. The contemptible axiom, "If a thing be
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 133
worth having, it is worth asking for," is but worthy of a pompous parish authority, and can only be responded to by those who beUeve that no means are despicable so long as their object be attained.
When you offer a place in your carriage, be sure to give the best, or you will subject yourself to the charge of ignorance and ill-breeding. A spintuelh reproof for an error of this kind was lately given at Paris by the celebrated Mons. de M. Having met in the vestibule of the Opera two parvenu bankers^ 9iflM||BMIiABIIlSl|^ much more remarkable for their wealth than their good manners, llliMHB^ observing that the compte's carriage had not arrived, offered him a place in theirs, which he accepted. To his surprise, " les freres feroces " (as they are named) 12
134 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
entered the coach first, and seated themselves in the back seat, leaving the aged bon-vivant to sit with his back to the horses ; but no sooner did he observe this piece of ill-breeding, than he pulled the check-string, and insisted on leaving the carriage. — " But why will you get out ? " asked the parvenus, in astonishment. " Be- cause," replied Mons. de M., " I always feel ill when I sit with my back to the horses — in the carnage of another.''
Hundreds may refrain from being guilty of an impertinffffi^flBW#5S!OT^^e in a thousand is capable of performing a well-bred action ; be- cause a restraint on one's rudel^RRlrtlerely the result of good schooling — whilst to offer an act of graceful courtesy, is evidence of a superior mind and a kindly heart.
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. • 135
Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the company towards her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any persons in particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let them see that you have sought them out ; unless, indeed, there be something very important to communicate.
Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another man's house, or constitute yourself master of the cerenWfTiSS^'^i^WIP^iH thereby offend the host and hostess.
There is a shallow attempt at " fallen great- ness," sometimes practised by persons who wish
136 « HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
it to be supposed they are below their proper sphere, — that of bestowing high-sounding titles upon very ordinary objects ; as calling a hack- ney-coach " the carriage ; " or speaking of a gig, or wretched pony chaise, as ^' our carriage ; " or of a miserable passage, three feet wide, as the *^hall." This is very foolish, and does not impose upon any one.
In addressing letters to persons of rank, the tide should be written, whether of Duke, Mar- quis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, instead of " Lord " So-a^drso, which is considered dis- respectful and vulgar. This rule should be particularly attended to in writing*^tt> Ladies, in order to avoid confounding the rank they hold with the very inferior one of the wives of
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 137
Baronets or Knights. Military rank always takes precedence of titles on the superscription of letters.
As the term " Esquire " has long degenerated into a title of mere courtesy, be careful to give it when writing to any person above the rank of a shopkeeper, and scrupulously aw^ard it to all professional men ; not to do so, would appear like an ungracious attempt, on your part, to depreciate them, and to display your own im- portance by affecting to underrate thtir pre- tensions; besides, as the first lesson taught to "people of condition" is "to be courteous to all men," and as you will rarely find these little proprieties overlooked by them, any neglect on your part will naturally suggest the inference, that the offending epistle was indited by some 12*
138 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
very assumS?g or very ignorant person. It is needless in these times to consider the distinc- tions made by the " law " in ages past ; for as " belted knights " exist no longer, the reality of an Esquire has long merged in the shadowy title, which, "a5 by law allowed,^^ is shared by the lowest pettifogger, or the coarsest tradesman admitted into the ranks of the '^Gentlemen pensioners." * We do not attempt to deny
* Gentlemen pensioners are Esquires by "authority." This ancient and pleasant provision for decayed gentlemen was much distorted, during the last reign, by the admission of improper persons ; so conspicuous, indeed, did its squalidness and vulgarity become, as to attract the attention, and excite the ire, of the late sovereign, who threatened to disband such an equivocal appendage to his state. The institution has now, however, become regenerate, by restricting the quality of its members; and at present shines forth in more than its pristine splendor, as the "Honorable Band of Gentlemen-at-arms." So be it.
.05- OF GENERAL SOCIETYS t7 T? ^^ 139
that "Esquire," in common^^^^JBie tenrts " Professor," or " Professional," is occasion- ally abused, sin le a " Professorship " rewards alike the saltatory labors of a dancing-master, and gilds the graceful avocations of an " Area- dian " hair-dresser.
In writing to subalterns in the army, be careful not to address your letter to Ensign or Lieut, So-and-so, but to J. P. Esq,, 83d Reg^, &c., as the case may be; Cajptain being the lowest grade which a military man chooses to acknowledge.
Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just risen, unless there be no other in the room.
140 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
Never take the chair usually occupied by the mistress of the house, even thouah shi; be absent, nor use the snuff-box of another, unless he offer it.
Do not touch any of the articles of bijouterie in the houses where you visit ; they are meant only for the use of the lady of the house, and may be admired, but not touched.
Do not beat the " devil's tattoo," by drum- mmg with your fingers on a table ; it cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing, and is the mdex of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near you. Both these bad habits are particularly offensive where most common; that is, in a country news-room.
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 141
Remember that a carelessness as to what may incommodo others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind ; indeed, the essential part of good-breeding is more in the avoidance of whatever may be disagreeable to others, than even an accurate observance of the customs of good society.
Never allow any peison above the rank of a shopman to leave the room without your ringing the bell for the street door to be opened. Thousands have been irremediably offended by having been suffered to quit a room un- attended, and to *' let themselves out." This deserves particular notice, as it is a very common omission with persons, who, having amassed a little wealth and set up for " somebodies y' would be exceedingly annoyed to have it whispered
142 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
that they could be guilty of such gross ill- breeding.
Courtesy is the cement of, society — the philanthropic amalgam which blends the varia- tions, and unites the trifling inequalities, of the great human family. Courtesy is not less the sign of a kindly heart than of a sound un- derstanding ; for, since there is no other sin of omission so heavily visited as the withholding of customary attentions — nor any assumption so fiercely resisted as that implied superiority which affects to overlook in the case of others the well- understood observances of civilized life — it follows that the exercise of it is as politic as its practice should be grateful, especially as there is no one man so much greater than another, either in intellect or in rank, but that bis failings
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 143
usually reduce him almost to a level with the meanest; whilst the virtues of those whom he has affected to underrate, often more than coun- terbalance the advantages of wealth and station — accidents which but too often fall to the lot of the undeserving. Which of the two would be the greater man — the meanest hind ever created, who might be moral, or the shameless profligate,* whose vices have just been rewarded with an Earldom? No wonder that England is sinking, when infamy seems to be the surest stepping-stone to worldly honors.
* The heartless seducer of Miss Foot, the actress, and an infinity of other victims — and now hving in open adultery
with Mrs. B , another actress, who, in the full swing of
her immorality, goes about distributing religious tracts I ! *' This is a fine world, my masters.*
144 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
People who Iiave risen in the world are too apt to suppose they render themselves of con- sequence in proportion to the pride they display, and their want of attention towards those with whom they come in contact. This is a terrible mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple violence against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a superiority to which (in tlie absence of positive rank) they are but rarely entitled.
People who may be w^hat, in French phrase- ology, are termed parvenus, or nouveaux riches, and who desire to attain a good position in society, must be careful to avoid making any advances to people of rank, and should wait until tnese last seek their acquaintance. A
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 145
contrary line of conduct will only draw on them the imputation of forwardness and vulgarity. For as it is the privilege of the person of the highest rank to make the first advances towards acquaintanceship, there is no excuse for the inferior to commit himself.
If you would prevent embarrassment to others, be very scrupulous how you invite yourself to join a friend in any excursion — even in taking a walk — as, without any unfriendly feeling on his part, he may have reasons why your com- pany shall not be desirable, but which, from motives of delicacy, he might refrain from point- ing out. Therefore you may inadvertently place him in an awkward position, it being very difficult to say, '' I wish to be alone," without giving offence, or exciting an unjustifiable 13
f
146 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
scrutiny into his actions. It is always safer to wait until you are invited ; and so, before it be too late, avoid that most humbling of all feelings r— the consciousness of being de trop.
The rising generation of " elegans " in America are particularly requested to observe, that, in pohshed society, it is not quite comme il faut for gentlemen to blow their noses with their fingers, especially when in the streets — a prac- tice, by the way, infinitely more common than refined. Economy is a praiseworthy virtue ; but, alas! the prejudices of civilized life are against its being carried to such an extreme — so that to those who aspire to be distinguished, the use of a pocket handkerchief must be con- sidered as indispensable.
O* GENERAL SOCIETY. 147
Do not abuse the advantage of a " two-penny post," by making people pay the postage of letters on your own business merely, and transmitted through such a channel entirely for your convenience^ by saving the trouble of sending a servant. The postage upon one solitary note is small, it is true ; but may amount to a large sum in the aggregate. Depend upon it, the most " tiffy " people .will not be very much offended at the postage being paid, although some affect openly to despise an expense at which they grumble in secret.
Avoid the bad taste of telling your company how much any particular dish, wines, pines, or other delicacies on your table, have cost you, however expensive. It is a very common but particularly indelicate trick with parvenus, in
148 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
order to impress on those present, the full weight and obligation of the " ireat^^ and cannot fail to make their guests feel most uncomfortably, that the host is just as likely to calculate to the fraction of a farthing, the value of what each individual eats and drinks. " That wine you're' now drinking stands me in 4^. 9cf. a bottle, by the pipe." " Oh ! oh ! " ihiriks the guest, " then if I drink half a bottle, I shall be 2^. 4 Jc?. in his debt." And who, having once had his thoughts turned that way, does not calculate what Ids portion of the whole " spread " might be, and feel inclined to put his hand in his pocket and tender the money ? Or — even worse than this — we heard of a young lady, who, at the table of her father, was gauche enough to inform his guest of the cost of the wine j?er glass ! I Even th^ t^rms in whi<?h the
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 149
invitation given by a Frenchman was couched, " Vill you acce])t from me a cup of tea ? " seemed to place a certain pecuniary value upon the trifling civility, which made its " acceptance " disagreeable. We once heard a man at the head of his own table thus enlighten the convivial is ts — " That supper now before you cost me forty pounds, every farthing of it, [a O he, by the way] — it did, by G — d ; the whole \ concern [there had been a ball] won't cost me less than eighty pounds — it won't, upon my soul ! ! " — an announcement sufficient to give his guests the colic, if only in some shape / to relieve themselves of the obligation.
There is no better test of a man's claim to be considered '^ a gentleman/^ than a scrutiny of his conduct in money transactions. A man 13 *
J 50 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE.
may possess rank and fashion, and, by an assumed frankness of character, deceive the multitude ; but the moment his purse is invaded, if he be not of the true caste, he will display the most contemptible meanness, he will take advantage of the liberal — evade, by every miserable subterfuge, the claims of those he dares not oppress, and unblushingly defy those unfortunate persons whose poverty is likely to prevent the due assertion of their rights. Such a man may possess station in society — he may be an "elegant" — he may be u. prince I but, if he he not honest — he is not a gentleman.
Never for a moment regret the loss of an acquaintance with people who may have shown by their conduct, that they were devoid of that high feeling \vhich is the characteristic of true
OF GENERAL SOCIEXr. 151
gentility, or who may have behaved towards you in a sinister, low-minded manner; for, depend upon it, that, with such people, you are never safe — never secure that they may not, at any moment when their supposed interests prcfmpt them, "throw you over" without the slightest remorse, or reference to any friendly feeling they may previously have professed for you. Rather congratulate yourself that so insecurely founded an acquaintance is over. The " cloven foot" once shown, avoid them as you would the Devil — paying no attention to any specious, insincere explanations they may make ; yet be careful to back out so quietly as not to afford them any grounds for maligning you, which the meanly- minded will infallibly do, in hopes to clear themselves in the eyes of the world. People who are conscious of having behaved in a con-
152 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE.
temptible manner towards you, bire ever on the look-out for any trifling indiscretion on your part, in hopes to justify themselves, and, if unable to succeed, will invent motives for you, rather than not extract some ideal balm to heal the deepest sting that rankles in the human mind — the consciousness of having played a base and despicable part, and the conviction of having their conduct analyzed by a sharp-witted world.
We have but one observation to make on dancing in America. It is, that gentlemen should dance on their toes, rather than on their heels, or with the foot quite flat. The want of " springiness,^^ in so elastic a recreation as dancing, is ungraceful, and therefore inelegant. In modern dancing, a graceful movement of the
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 153
person is infinitely to be preferred to the " hop- skip-and-jump " precision of steps peculiar to^ dancing schools. Jy%^ of the ' \
With intimate friends, you^ay dispense with ceremony as much as may be deemed desirable to all parties; but with strangers, or persons with whom you are only imperfectly acquainted, every deviation from established custom is a slight, as it tends to show how little their society is appreciated ; and will ( if they possess a grain of spirit) be resented accordingly.
Although these remarks will not be suffi- cient in themselves to ma'ke you a gentleman, yet they will enable you to avoid any glaring impropriety, and do much to render you easy and confident in society.
154 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE.
Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion — but in the mind. A high sense of honor — a determination never to take a mean advantage of another — an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness towards those with whom you may have dealings — are the es- sential and distinguishing characteristics of a
GENTLEMAN.
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