WEBVTT

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The Dick Van Dyke Show.

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Starring Dick Van Dyke,

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Rosemary, Maury Amsterdam,

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Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

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Well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.

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Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you.

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Mr. Astaire.

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Lock up when you come home, please.

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I may not be home.

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What was that all about?

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You missed a good fight.

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What was the fight about?

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Well, you know, people,

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it wasn't about anything.

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How did it start?

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Well, all I know,

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I was floating around,

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minding my own business, watching.

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Hello?

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Oh, Millie, yes, I did call you.

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Well, nothing really, just a complain.

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Well, shall I list them in alphabetical order?

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All righty.

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The repairman didn't show up.

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None of them.

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Well, everything's stocked up.

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The washing machine, the garbage disposal,

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Richie's nose.

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Yeah, I had to keep him home from school today.

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It's the worst mistake I've ever made.

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He's had me almost out of my mind.

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He's at it again. Just a minute.

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Richie, what was that?

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Nothing!

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Richard, come in here, please.

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Millie, I'll have to call you back. Bye-bye.

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Richie!

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Richie!

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What have you been up to in there?

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What is going on?

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Oh, for heaven's sake!

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Daddy's shaving lotion all over the floor!

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And broken...

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Stop!

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And broken glass.

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Richie, how many times have I told you

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to stay out of that medicine cabinet?

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Now that does it.

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You go into your room and wash your face and hands.

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No, don't go in there till I clean up the glass.

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Get a towel from the kitchen.

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Well, we'll wait till your father comes home

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and why doesn't he?

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There's the car! He's home now!

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Well, it's about time.

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Richie, if you break one more thing...

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Snow White lives.

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Oh, what a day!

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You wouldn't believe it.

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You just would not believe it!

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Alan wanted a complete rewrite.

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Buddy came in late.

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Sally left early.

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I lost my wallet.

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I got a ticket for jaywalking.

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And on top of that, I think I'm getting a cold sore!

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What is that smell?

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Your son broke a bottle of shaving lotion.

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Oh, no, not my essence. Amatador?

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No, it's the other one. That cowboy stuff.

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My stirrup and saddle?

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That stuff runs four bucks a bottle.

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Bob, don't go in there in your bare feet!

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I'm not in my bare feet.

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I may be a little catfish.

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I may be a little casual in my dressing.

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And now, darling, let's not have any remarks about the way I'm dressed.

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You'd have the kind of day that I've had.

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I was talking about me, not you.

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Well, I know what you're thinking.

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You probably expect to come home and find me dressed in a ball gown and a tiara.

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I didn't even get out of my bathrobe until three o'clock.

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Maybe you would like to hear about the rest of my day.

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All I'm asking, darling, is for a little understanding when you come home.

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A little charm.

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Charm?

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Honey, who do you think I am? Fred Astaire?

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It wouldn't hurt you to emulate him.

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What do you want me to do?

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Come home every night and dance my way into your heart?

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Honey, you remember I work in the big city?

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And life is very exciting here on the Riviera.

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Hi, Daddy.

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Oh, hi, Richie.

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That's right. Side with him.

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All I said was, hi, Richie.

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Sure, you can afford to say hi, Richie. You don't have to clean up after him.

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Laura!

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Richie, dear, say goodnight and go to bed.

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Goodnight, Daddy.

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Goodnight, son.

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I'll be in in a minute, darling.

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Goodnight, Mommy.

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You're going to have to talk to that boy.

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I would love to. You just sent him to bed.

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Talk to him later. I've had dinner waiting for an hour.

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I've had mine.

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You've had your dinner?

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Well, yeah. I had to work late, so I picked up a fast cheese sandwich on the way home.

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I thought I'd save you the bother.

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Well, why didn't you call me?

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I forgot.

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Did it ever occur to you, Rob, that I might like to eat?

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Well, go ahead. Who's stopping? What do you want me to do? Cook it for you?

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Honey, I'm sorry.

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That's the sport.

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It's just that, well, everything went wrong today.

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Then I suppose you think everything went right for me.

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I didn't say that.

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Oh, ow!

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Oh, ow!

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Oh, darn, darn, Ottoman!

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You don't have to bark at me, the Ottoman.

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I'm not a dog.

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I'm a man.

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I'm a man.

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I'm a man.

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Oh, darn, Ottoman!

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You don't have to bark at me.

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The Ottoman's been in this room for years, Mr. Astaire.

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I wasn't barking at you, Ginger.

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I was talking to the Ottoman.

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What are you doing?

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I'm going to sit here and make some paper hats for this gay party we seem to be having.

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Darling, why don't you save your marvelous jokes for the office?

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There are a few more important matters around here that require your attention.

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Listen, when I have had a hard day at the office, I would like very much to come home.

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So why don't you?

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You don't.

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You don't come home.

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You don't call.

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I'm here.

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I came home.

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You refused to speak to Richie.

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Refused?

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You just sent him to bed.

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All you do is just sit there reading your paper.

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How can I read the paper?

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You tore it up.

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Of course I tore it up.

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I don't know how to handle a newspaper.

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I'm not familiar with the way it's folded because I never get time to read one.

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I've pooped up here, Rob.

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And the whole time, you're down there.

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And I...

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You come home, I knock myself out.

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And you have been nerfed.

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Well, you try it sometime.

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All right.

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Very well.

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If that is the way you want it, have it your own way.

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That's the way you want it.

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You'd probably like to know where I'm going.

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Very well.

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If you must know, I'm going for a drive.

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Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you.

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Mr. Astaire.

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Lock up when you come home, please.

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I may not come home.

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Morning, Millie. Thank you for coming.

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I had to talk to somebody.

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Well, I would have come sooner, but I had to get Freddy off to school.

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Rob hasn't even phoned.

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Not a word.

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Well, where do you suppose he was all night?

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I don't know.

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Millie, he's never done anything like this before.

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I'm so worried.

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Well, he's now... he's a grown man.

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He probably checked in at a hotel or maybe stayed with friends.

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No, he didn't. He wouldn't.

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Millie, he's never not come home before.

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If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him.

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Now, calm down. Calm down.

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Calm down and tell me just what happened.

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Well, I had a hard day yesterday.

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Well, I told you, Richie was just impossible.

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But, well, in spite of that, I managed to cook a nice dinner

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and tried to be as pleasant as I possibly could be, and I was.

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I went to the trouble to set a beautiful table

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and make myself presentable.

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What thanks did I get?

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Rob came in wild, like a roaring tiger.

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Whoa, Wendy!

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Darling, you're home.

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I know that.

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Don't kiss me. I got a cold sore.

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How about you fix yourself up?

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What is that smell?

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My secret secret. I thought you'd like it.

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Open a window.

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Is dinner ready?

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It's already, darling.

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Well, I've had it.

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You've had dinner?

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Well, what do you think? I had breakfast.

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Darling, if only you told me.

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I can't read your mind, you know.

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Well, see that you don't.

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Is this today's paper?

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Yes, dear.

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I've read it.

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Did Richie say anything cute today?

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No, not that I can remember.

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Well, tell him to get with it.

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What is he used to having a kid around the house if he can't be cute?

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You're right, dear.

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Where is he?

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Well, he's in his room. He's just waiting for you to come.

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Well, tell him to stay out, out, out.

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Oh, how did that thing get there?

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Rob, we've always had that ottoman.

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Well, get rid of it. I can't stand it.

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Darling, you bought the ottoman before we were married.

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Oh, that's it. Blame me.

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Why did you marry me if you didn't like my ottoman?

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Darling, I love your ottoman.

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Oh, so that's it. You like my ottoman better than you like me, huh?

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Well, you know what you can do?

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You can keep your ottoman and I'll go.

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Darling, you're just tired.

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I don't know how you do it, working so hard, writing all those marvelous jokes.

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That doesn't.

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Sarcasm is one thing I don't take from anybody.

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That's right, darling. You go for a nice walk.

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I'll wait up for you till you come home.

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I may not be home.

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Now, Laura, Rob didn't say all those things.

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Millie, I give you my word.

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Oh, come on. I know Rob.

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Well, maybe he didn't say all those words, but that's what it sounded like to me.

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Come here. Come on. Come here.

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Why don't you call him up? He's probably at the office right now.

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Go on. Call him.

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No. Why should I call him? Let him call me.

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Was his fault?

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Well, after all, Millie, he's the one who walked out of here and stayed in some luxurious hotel while I spent the night worrying.

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I would love to hear Rob's version of all this.

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Come on, Rob. Call Laura. Give her a chance to apologize.

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Oh, no, I can't.

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Why not?

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Well, you can't just call up and ask for an apology from a perfect stranger.

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Your wife's a perfect stranger? Come on home. I'll introduce her to you.

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Get over there. Call her.

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Rob, why don't you flirt with her a little?

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The worst she can do is hang apart and pop your eardrums.

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Look, I'm holding you guys up. I think I'll take a walk around the block.

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Oh, yeah? If you're going to take a walk around the block, take a cab. We've got a lot of work to do.

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Rob, where were you? Whatever you've done, we'll deny it.

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I haven't done anything. We just got into an argument. That's all.

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Man, Pickles, we argue all the time. What's wrong with that? You've got to do something to keep the spark alive.

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We have our little differences, naturally, but we always made it a rule never to go to bed mad.

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I think that's nice.

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Pretty hard not to be mad, though, when you just spent the whole night in the garage.

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In the garage?

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Oh, you picked a fine time to wash the car.

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What were you doing in the garage?

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Well, I walked out. Well, walked out. I was practically thrown out of there.

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I was just going to take a drive around and cool off, and I forgot the car keys, and I wasn't going to go back in there after the...

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Now, why am I boring you guys with this?

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Who's boring? I love to hear things that make me feel good about being single.

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Come on, Rob, why don't you tell us all about it? Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.

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Sure, come on. I like to feel I'm not the only guy who married a nutty woman.

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Well, I came home. Well, you know what kind of a day we had around here, really.

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It was a beauty.

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But going home in the car, I decided I was going to leave my bad mood and all my troubles in the car.

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And when I walked in that house, I was as charming and as pleasant as I know how to be.

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I was so charming, I was a regular Fred Astaire.

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Sweetheart, Ginger, the old charmer's home.

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Where's my girl?

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There she is, just as beautiful as the day I married her.

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Where have you been?

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Just counting the hours until I could be with you.

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Well, you'd better learn to count.

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Do you know what time it is? I suppose you expect me to serve you now.

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Honey, I knew you'd be tired. I grabbed a fast sandwich on the way home.

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You never stopped to think that I might like to eat out, did you? I'm hungry.

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Honey!

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Honey.

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I love that ottoman.

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Honey, you sit down right here and I'm going to fix you a cheese souffle. You read the paper.

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And don't do nothing on my kitchen.

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I won't, dear.

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Honey!

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Honey, has Richie had his dinner?

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No, and he's not getting any.

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But, sweetheart...

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I ran out of dishes.

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I see.

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Honey, may I just take him a cracker?

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Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You're tired. You're overweight.

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Why, you...

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Tell me I'm overweight!

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Honey, I didn't tell you you were overweight.

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Well, I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Go on, out with it. Out with it on your mind.

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Tell me I'm overweight. Tell me you're sorry you ever married me.

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Honey, I'm sorry.

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Oh, you are, are you? Well, I don't have to stand here and take that from you.

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You can just get out.

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Oh, Laura, baby.

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What are you doing?

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Good idea. I'll bring home some ice cream.

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Hey, you sure it wasn't my wife you were fighting with? Sounds like one of our real screamers.

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Rob, aren't you exaggerating? Just a touch.

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Well, maybe a little bit. I don't remember the words exactly, but whatever words she used sounded like those.

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Man, she didn't throw you out either, did she, Rob?

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Well, no.

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Say, I thought so.

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Yeah, but she would have loved to.

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Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk in and say, hello, what's new?

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Yeah, she's liable to dick up a lot of what's old.

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Now, what's the use?

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I know what's going to happen. I'll walk in the house. We won't talk. She'll throw together some scrambled eggs or something.

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Oh, sure. You want to spend another night in the garage, right?

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No, of course not.

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Well, then you better do something about it.

16:36.000 --> 16:38.000
Like what?

16:38.000 --> 16:40.000
Well, I don't know, get her a present.

16:40.000 --> 16:42.000
No, she'd throw me out with it.

16:42.000 --> 16:47.000
Not if you get her something she can't turn down. You know, something she's always wanted.

16:47.000 --> 16:50.000
Yeah, like maybe a season ticket to the fights.

16:52.000 --> 16:57.000
Wait, wait, I got it. I know what to get her. I know what'll make her happy. Buddy, do me a favor.

16:57.000 --> 16:58.000
Sure, why?

16:58.000 --> 17:00.000
Call Laura and tell her I am bringing home a surprise.

17:00.000 --> 17:03.000
Bringing home a surprise. All right, hey, Sally, do me a favor, will ya?

17:03.000 --> 17:04.000
Yeah.

17:04.000 --> 17:08.000
Call Laura and tell her that I said that Rob said he's coming home with a surprise.

17:08.000 --> 17:10.000
Why me? Why can't you call her?

17:10.000 --> 17:12.000
I don't know the number.

17:12.000 --> 17:14.000
What are you, chicken?

17:21.000 --> 17:22.000
Hello, Marge?

17:22.000 --> 17:29.000
Do you call Mrs. Petrie and tell her I said that Buddy told me that Rob asked him to tell her that Rob's coming home with a surprise?

17:29.000 --> 17:34.000
I'll give you eight to five. I can't repeat it.

17:34.000 --> 17:37.000
Oh, Millie, that looks beautiful. That's just great.

17:37.000 --> 17:41.000
Now, let's see, I got the spaghetti sauce simmering, the salad's in the refrigerator.

17:41.000 --> 17:42.000
The wine.

17:42.000 --> 17:44.000
Where's the wine? Millie, where's the wine?

17:44.000 --> 17:47.000
Right there where you put it.

17:47.000 --> 17:49.000
I'll just open it now and say Rob's the father.

17:49.000 --> 17:52.000
Ooh, let him open it. It makes him feel manly.

17:52.000 --> 17:55.000
All right, if it makes him feel manly, I won't open it.

17:55.000 --> 17:58.000
Oh, Millie, thank you for helping me with all this.

17:58.000 --> 18:01.000
You knew that I exaggerated about Rob, didn't you?

18:01.000 --> 18:05.000
No, the way you told it, he sounded a lot like my Jerry.

18:06.000 --> 18:07.000
Mommy?

18:07.000 --> 18:08.000
Yes, dear?

18:08.000 --> 18:10.000
What are we having for dinner?

18:10.000 --> 18:11.000
Something delicious.

18:11.000 --> 18:15.000
Oh, gee, I like hamburger.

18:15.000 --> 18:18.000
I know, darling, but this is Daddy's evening.

18:18.000 --> 18:19.000
Okay.

18:19.000 --> 18:21.000
Now, what have I forgotten?

18:23.000 --> 18:24.000
It's Rob.

18:24.000 --> 18:26.000
Oh, Millie, why am I so nervous?

18:26.000 --> 18:28.000
Now, calm down and I'll slip out the back door.

18:28.000 --> 18:30.000
No, Millie, don't leave me.

18:30.000 --> 18:33.000
Relax, he's your husband.

18:35.000 --> 18:37.000
Um, Richie?

18:37.000 --> 18:39.000
Yes, Mommy?

18:39.000 --> 18:41.000
Daddy's home, darling. Do you want to let him in?

18:41.000 --> 18:42.000
Okay.

18:44.000 --> 18:45.000
Hi, Daddy.

18:45.000 --> 18:46.000
Hi, Rich.

18:50.000 --> 18:54.000
Would you ask your Mommy if I may come in?

18:54.000 --> 18:55.000
Daddy says...

18:55.000 --> 18:57.000
You should tell Daddy he's welcome here anytime.

18:57.000 --> 18:59.000
She says, yeah.

19:11.000 --> 19:14.000
Mommy, Daddy doesn't look like a wild man.

19:18.000 --> 19:19.000
Oh, Rob.

19:19.000 --> 19:21.000
Honey, it was my fault.

19:21.000 --> 19:23.000
Oh, no, it wasn't. It was my fault.

19:23.000 --> 19:24.000
Let's go ahead, please.

19:24.000 --> 19:25.000
Okay.

19:26.000 --> 19:27.000
Hey, this is for me.

19:27.000 --> 19:29.000
Oh, Rich, don't drop that.

19:29.000 --> 19:30.000
Is this for me?

19:30.000 --> 19:31.000
No, this is for Mommy.

19:31.000 --> 19:33.000
Mommy, this is for you.

19:33.000 --> 19:34.000
What is it?

19:34.000 --> 19:38.000
Your favorite thing in this whole world, a complete Chinese dinner.

19:46.000 --> 19:47.000
Don't you do that.

19:47.000 --> 19:48.000
Why?

19:48.000 --> 19:49.000
Don't you do that.

19:49.000 --> 19:53.000
Rob, you must have known that I'd have dinner prepared.

19:53.000 --> 19:54.000
You...

19:54.000 --> 19:56.000
Rob, won't you ever learn?

19:56.000 --> 19:58.000
Why didn't you call me?

19:58.000 --> 20:00.000
Didn't Buddy call you?

20:00.000 --> 20:04.000
No, the switchboard girl called, but she didn't say that you were bringing home dinner.

20:04.000 --> 20:07.000
I told Buddy to... Didn't he say surprise?

20:07.000 --> 20:08.000
Oh, no.

20:08.000 --> 20:10.000
Boy, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.

20:10.000 --> 20:13.000
You've got to be a wild man, Daddy.

20:15.000 --> 20:16.000
No, I'm not, Rich.

20:16.000 --> 20:19.000
Then I'm going to go watch television.

20:19.000 --> 20:21.000
Honey, I'm sorry.

20:21.000 --> 20:23.000
I just thought I wanted everything to be fun tonight.

20:23.000 --> 20:25.000
Oh, darling, so did I.

20:25.000 --> 20:27.000
And that's why I fixed your favorite dinner.

20:27.000 --> 20:29.000
You didn't.

20:29.000 --> 20:30.000
Spaghetti?

20:30.000 --> 20:33.000
Hey, look, just like Nino's, with breadsticks and everything.

20:33.000 --> 20:37.000
Cress, duck, egg rolls, barbecued ribs.

20:37.000 --> 20:39.000
Moo goo gai pan.

20:40.000 --> 20:41.000
What?

20:41.000 --> 20:43.000
Moo goo gai pan?

20:43.000 --> 20:47.000
Oh, Rob, do you remember the first time you brought it home to me?

20:47.000 --> 20:49.000
Mm-hmm. When you were expecting Rich.

20:49.000 --> 20:51.000
You remember.

20:51.000 --> 20:53.000
You, uh, forgive me?

20:53.000 --> 20:55.000
I guess I should.

20:55.000 --> 20:58.000
You better. I'll eat up all your moo goo gai pan.

21:05.000 --> 21:09.000
Boy, whoever said there was a silver lining for every cloud sure knew his clouds, didn't he?

21:09.000 --> 21:10.000
How'd he figure that?

21:10.000 --> 21:13.000
Well, I mean, if we hadn't had that big fight,

21:13.000 --> 21:15.000
we wouldn't have this great make-up party.

21:15.000 --> 21:17.000
We wouldn't have this great making-up period.

21:17.000 --> 21:21.000
I just wish we could find some way of having the making-up without the fighting.

21:21.000 --> 21:24.000
Well, there's no way, but we could make a fortune if we could invent a way, huh?

21:24.000 --> 21:27.000
Not only that, but we wouldn't run the risk of upsetting Richie.

21:27.000 --> 21:30.000
Yeah. Boy, thank goodness he missed the fight.

21:30.000 --> 21:31.000
I hope he did.

21:31.000 --> 21:35.000
Could be awfully upsetting to a child to hear his mother and father yelling at each other.

21:35.000 --> 21:37.000
Yeah, kind of shakes their secure little world.

21:37.000 --> 21:40.000
I'm sure he was sound asleep, though.

21:40.000 --> 21:43.000
But honey, is that enough moo goo gai pan?

21:43.000 --> 21:45.000
A little heavier on the goo.

21:45.000 --> 21:46.000
Okay.

21:46.000 --> 21:47.000
Are four meatballs enough?

21:47.000 --> 21:50.000
Yeah, it'll do for start, anyway.

21:50.000 --> 21:54.000
Okay, there you are, honey. A meal fit for Mrs. Charlie Chan.

21:54.000 --> 21:57.000
Thank you. And for you, a meal fit for Rosanna Brotsy.

21:57.000 --> 21:58.000
Thank you.

21:58.000 --> 21:59.000
Hey, what about me?

21:59.000 --> 22:01.000
Oh, Rich. There you are.

22:01.000 --> 22:04.000
A meal fit for a young prince, your royal hamburger.

22:04.000 --> 22:05.000
What's the tuna fish?

22:05.000 --> 22:08.000
Yeah, the tuna fish is in there, just like you ordered it.

22:08.000 --> 22:10.000
Oh, boy. Can I eat it in my bedroom?

22:10.000 --> 22:12.000
Well, don't you want to eat with us?

22:12.000 --> 22:13.000
No.

22:13.000 --> 22:14.000
Why not, Rich?

22:14.000 --> 22:16.000
I don't like to hear yelling.

22:16.000 --> 22:18.000
Oh, I heard us.

22:18.000 --> 22:20.000
Let me handle it, honey.

22:20.000 --> 22:21.000
Uh, Rich.

22:21.000 --> 22:23.000
Come here, buddy.

22:25.000 --> 22:30.000
Rich, did you by any chance overhear your mommy and I having a discussion last night?

22:30.000 --> 22:36.000
You see, Richie, all mommies and daddies have discussions like the one daddy and I had.

22:36.000 --> 22:39.000
Do Dr. and Mrs. Helper have those discussions?

22:39.000 --> 22:43.000
Oh, yeah, a lot more often than mommy and I do.

22:43.000 --> 22:45.000
They call theirs fights.

22:45.000 --> 22:49.000
Well, as they seem like a fight, but a fight's kind of a different thing.

22:49.000 --> 22:51.000
What's the difference?

22:51.000 --> 22:55.000
Well, the difference between a fight and discussion is, uh,

22:55.000 --> 22:58.000
well, you've seen boxers in the ring hitting each other.

22:58.000 --> 23:00.000
Now, that's a fight.

23:00.000 --> 23:03.000
You mean like Floyd Patterson and Sonny Lister?

23:03.000 --> 23:06.000
Well, a lot of people thought that was more of a discussion.

23:06.000 --> 23:10.000
Oh, this is no time for an editorial.

23:10.000 --> 23:13.000
That's right, Rich. That was a fight.

23:13.000 --> 23:17.000
Now, what mommy and I had was a disagreement, a discussion.

23:17.000 --> 23:19.000
And it's all over now.

23:19.000 --> 23:20.000
No more yelling?

23:20.000 --> 23:21.000
No more yelling.

23:21.000 --> 23:22.000
You promise?

23:22.000 --> 23:23.000
I promise.

23:23.000 --> 23:24.000
Okay, I'll eat with you.

23:24.000 --> 23:25.000
Good.

23:25.000 --> 23:28.000
Okay, everyone, grab your plates.

23:28.000 --> 23:33.000
Richie, you mean you really were afraid that mommy and I were going to yell at each other?

23:33.000 --> 23:35.000
Not at each other.

23:35.000 --> 23:36.000
Well, at who then?

23:36.000 --> 23:38.000
At me.

23:38.000 --> 23:41.000
Well, Rich, why would we yell at you?

23:41.000 --> 23:45.000
For breaking your salon's stirrup shaving lotion yesterday.

23:45.000 --> 23:48.000
That's right. I never did yell at you for that, did I?

23:48.000 --> 23:50.000
Forget it, Rich. It's all forgotten and forgiven.

23:50.000 --> 23:52.000
Tonight, nothing could make me angry.

23:52.000 --> 23:53.000
Really?

23:53.000 --> 23:54.000
Really.

23:54.000 --> 23:56.000
Good. I got a 20 on my spelling test.

23:56.000 --> 23:59.000
You have to sign it.

23:59.000 --> 24:03.000
20 on your spelling test?

24:03.000 --> 24:05.000
Oh, Rich, this lady...

24:05.000 --> 24:07.000
We promised. No more yelling.

24:07.000 --> 24:08.000
That's right.

24:08.000 --> 24:10.000
Here, daddy, sign it.

24:10.000 --> 24:14.000
Nope. First we eat, then we sign.

24:14.000 --> 24:16.000
But no yelling.

24:16.000 --> 24:18.000
No yelling.

24:18.000 --> 24:33.000
But a lot of loud discussion.

25:18.000 --> 25:21.000
The End