The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Starring Dick Van Dyke,
Rosemary, Maury Amsterdam,
Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
Well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.
Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you.
Mr. Astaire.
Lock up when you come home, please.
I may not be home.
What was that all about?
You missed a good fight.
What was the fight about?
Well, you know, people,
it wasn't about anything.
How did it start?
Well, all I know,
I was floating around,
minding my own business, watching.
Hello?
Oh, Millie, yes, I did call you.
Well, nothing really, just a complain.
Well, shall I list them in alphabetical order?
All righty.
The repairman didn't show up.
None of them.
Well, everything's stocked up.
The washing machine, the garbage disposal,
Richie's nose.
Yeah, I had to keep him home from school today.
It's the worst mistake I've ever made.
He's had me almost out of my mind.
He's at it again. Just a minute.
Richie, what was that?
Nothing!
Richard, come in here, please.
Millie, I'll have to call you back. Bye-bye.
Richie!
What have you been up to in there?
What is going on?
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Daddy's shaving lotion all over the floor!
And broken...
Stop!
And broken glass.
Richie, how many times have I told you
to stay out of that medicine cabinet?
Now that does it.
You go into your room and wash your face and hands.
No, don't go in there till I clean up the glass.
Get a towel from the kitchen.
Well, we'll wait till your father comes home
and why doesn't he?
There's the car! He's home now!
Well, it's about time.
Richie, if you break one more thing...
Snow White lives.
Oh, what a day!
You wouldn't believe it.
You just would not believe it!
Alan wanted a complete rewrite.
Buddy came in late.
Sally left early.
I lost my wallet.
I got a ticket for jaywalking.
And on top of that, I think I'm getting a cold sore!
What is that smell?
Your son broke a bottle of shaving lotion.
Oh, no, not my essence. Amatador?
No, it's the other one. That cowboy stuff.
My stirrup and saddle?
That stuff runs four bucks a bottle.
Bob, don't go in there in your bare feet!
I'm not in my bare feet.
I may be a little catfish.
I may be a little casual in my dressing.
And now, darling, let's not have any remarks about the way I'm dressed.
You'd have the kind of day that I've had.
I was talking about me, not you.
Well, I know what you're thinking.
You probably expect to come home and find me dressed in a ball gown and a tiara.
I didn't even get out of my bathrobe until three o'clock.
Maybe you would like to hear about the rest of my day.
All I'm asking, darling, is for a little understanding when you come home.
A little charm.
Charm?
Honey, who do you think I am? Fred Astaire?
It wouldn't hurt you to emulate him.
What do you want me to do?
Come home every night and dance my way into your heart?
Honey, you remember I work in the big city?
And life is very exciting here on the Riviera.
Hi, Daddy.
Oh, hi, Richie.
That's right. Side with him.
All I said was, hi, Richie.
Sure, you can afford to say hi, Richie. You don't have to clean up after him.
Laura!
Richie, dear, say goodnight and go to bed.
Goodnight, Daddy.
Goodnight, son.
I'll be in in a minute, darling.
Goodnight, Mommy.
You're going to have to talk to that boy.
I would love to. You just sent him to bed.
Talk to him later. I've had dinner waiting for an hour.
I've had mine.
You've had your dinner?
Well, yeah. I had to work late, so I picked up a fast cheese sandwich on the way home.
I thought I'd save you the bother.
Well, why didn't you call me?
I forgot.
Did it ever occur to you, Rob, that I might like to eat?
Well, go ahead. Who's stopping? What do you want me to do? Cook it for you?
Honey, I'm sorry.
That's the sport.
It's just that, well, everything went wrong today.
Then I suppose you think everything went right for me.
I didn't say that.
Oh, ow!
Oh, darn, darn, Ottoman!
You don't have to bark at me, the Ottoman.
I'm not a dog.
I'm a man.
Oh, darn, Ottoman!
You don't have to bark at me.
The Ottoman's been in this room for years, Mr. Astaire.
I wasn't barking at you, Ginger.
I was talking to the Ottoman.
What are you doing?
I'm going to sit here and make some paper hats for this gay party we seem to be having.
Darling, why don't you save your marvelous jokes for the office?
There are a few more important matters around here that require your attention.
Listen, when I have had a hard day at the office, I would like very much to come home.
So why don't you?
You don't.
You don't come home.
You don't call.
I'm here.
I came home.
You refused to speak to Richie.
Refused?
You just sent him to bed.
All you do is just sit there reading your paper.
How can I read the paper?
You tore it up.
Of course I tore it up.
I don't know how to handle a newspaper.
I'm not familiar with the way it's folded because I never get time to read one.
I've pooped up here, Rob.
And the whole time, you're down there.
And I...
You come home, I knock myself out.
And you have been nerfed.
Well, you try it sometime.
All right.
Very well.
If that is the way you want it, have it your own way.
That's the way you want it.
You'd probably like to know where I'm going.
Very well.
If you must know, I'm going for a drive.
Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you.
Mr. Astaire.
Lock up when you come home, please.
I may not come home.
Morning, Millie. Thank you for coming.
I had to talk to somebody.
Well, I would have come sooner, but I had to get Freddy off to school.
Rob hasn't even phoned.
Not a word.
Well, where do you suppose he was all night?
I don't know.
Millie, he's never done anything like this before.
I'm so worried.
Well, he's now... he's a grown man.
He probably checked in at a hotel or maybe stayed with friends.
No, he didn't. He wouldn't.
Millie, he's never not come home before.
If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him.
Now, calm down. Calm down.
Calm down and tell me just what happened.
Well, I had a hard day yesterday.
Well, I told you, Richie was just impossible.
But, well, in spite of that, I managed to cook a nice dinner
and tried to be as pleasant as I possibly could be, and I was.
I went to the trouble to set a beautiful table
and make myself presentable.
What thanks did I get?
Rob came in wild, like a roaring tiger.
Whoa, Wendy!
Darling, you're home.
I know that.
Don't kiss me. I got a cold sore.
How about you fix yourself up?
What is that smell?
My secret secret. I thought you'd like it.
Open a window.
Is dinner ready?
It's already, darling.
Well, I've had it.
You've had dinner?
Well, what do you think? I had breakfast.
Darling, if only you told me.
I can't read your mind, you know.
Well, see that you don't.
Is this today's paper?
Yes, dear.
I've read it.
Did Richie say anything cute today?
No, not that I can remember.
Well, tell him to get with it.
What is he used to having a kid around the house if he can't be cute?
You're right, dear.
Where is he?
Well, he's in his room. He's just waiting for you to come.
Well, tell him to stay out, out, out.
Oh, how did that thing get there?
Rob, we've always had that ottoman.
Well, get rid of it. I can't stand it.
Darling, you bought the ottoman before we were married.
Oh, that's it. Blame me.
Why did you marry me if you didn't like my ottoman?
Darling, I love your ottoman.
Oh, so that's it. You like my ottoman better than you like me, huh?
Well, you know what you can do?
You can keep your ottoman and I'll go.
Darling, you're just tired.
I don't know how you do it, working so hard, writing all those marvelous jokes.
That doesn't.
Sarcasm is one thing I don't take from anybody.
That's right, darling. You go for a nice walk.
I'll wait up for you till you come home.
I may not be home.
Now, Laura, Rob didn't say all those things.
Millie, I give you my word.
Oh, come on. I know Rob.
Well, maybe he didn't say all those words, but that's what it sounded like to me.
Come here. Come on. Come here.
Why don't you call him up? He's probably at the office right now.
Go on. Call him.
No. Why should I call him? Let him call me.
Was his fault?
Well, after all, Millie, he's the one who walked out of here and stayed in some luxurious hotel while I spent the night worrying.
I would love to hear Rob's version of all this.
Come on, Rob. Call Laura. Give her a chance to apologize.
Oh, no, I can't.
Why not?
Well, you can't just call up and ask for an apology from a perfect stranger.
Your wife's a perfect stranger? Come on home. I'll introduce her to you.
Get over there. Call her.
Rob, why don't you flirt with her a little?
The worst she can do is hang apart and pop your eardrums.
Look, I'm holding you guys up. I think I'll take a walk around the block.
Oh, yeah? If you're going to take a walk around the block, take a cab. We've got a lot of work to do.
Rob, where were you? Whatever you've done, we'll deny it.
I haven't done anything. We just got into an argument. That's all.
Man, Pickles, we argue all the time. What's wrong with that? You've got to do something to keep the spark alive.
We have our little differences, naturally, but we always made it a rule never to go to bed mad.
I think that's nice.
Pretty hard not to be mad, though, when you just spent the whole night in the garage.
In the garage?
Oh, you picked a fine time to wash the car.
What were you doing in the garage?
Well, I walked out. Well, walked out. I was practically thrown out of there.
I was just going to take a drive around and cool off, and I forgot the car keys, and I wasn't going to go back in there after the...
Now, why am I boring you guys with this?
Who's boring? I love to hear things that make me feel good about being single.
Come on, Rob, why don't you tell us all about it? Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.
Sure, come on. I like to feel I'm not the only guy who married a nutty woman.
Well, I came home. Well, you know what kind of a day we had around here, really.
It was a beauty.
But going home in the car, I decided I was going to leave my bad mood and all my troubles in the car.
And when I walked in that house, I was as charming and as pleasant as I know how to be.
I was so charming, I was a regular Fred Astaire.
Sweetheart, Ginger, the old charmer's home.
Where's my girl?
There she is, just as beautiful as the day I married her.
Where have you been?
Just counting the hours until I could be with you.
Well, you'd better learn to count.
Do you know what time it is? I suppose you expect me to serve you now.
Honey, I knew you'd be tired. I grabbed a fast sandwich on the way home.
You never stopped to think that I might like to eat out, did you? I'm hungry.
Honey!
Honey.
I love that ottoman.
Honey, you sit down right here and I'm going to fix you a cheese souffle. You read the paper.
And don't do nothing on my kitchen.
I won't, dear.
Honey!
Honey, has Richie had his dinner?
No, and he's not getting any.
But, sweetheart...
I ran out of dishes.
I see.
Honey, may I just take him a cracker?
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You're tired. You're overweight.
Why, you...
Tell me I'm overweight!
Honey, I didn't tell you you were overweight.
Well, I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Go on, out with it. Out with it on your mind.
Tell me I'm overweight. Tell me you're sorry you ever married me.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Oh, you are, are you? Well, I don't have to stand here and take that from you.
You can just get out.
Oh, Laura, baby.
What are you doing?
Good idea. I'll bring home some ice cream.
Hey, you sure it wasn't my wife you were fighting with? Sounds like one of our real screamers.
Rob, aren't you exaggerating? Just a touch.
Well, maybe a little bit. I don't remember the words exactly, but whatever words she used sounded like those.
Man, she didn't throw you out either, did she, Rob?
Well, no.
Say, I thought so.
Yeah, but she would have loved to.
Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk in and say, hello, what's new?
Yeah, she's liable to dick up a lot of what's old.
Now, what's the use?
I know what's going to happen. I'll walk in the house. We won't talk. She'll throw together some scrambled eggs or something.
Oh, sure. You want to spend another night in the garage, right?
No, of course not.
Well, then you better do something about it.
Like what?
Well, I don't know, get her a present.
No, she'd throw me out with it.
Not if you get her something she can't turn down. You know, something she's always wanted.
Yeah, like maybe a season ticket to the fights.
Wait, wait, I got it. I know what to get her. I know what'll make her happy. Buddy, do me a favor.
Sure, why?
Call Laura and tell her I am bringing home a surprise.
Bringing home a surprise. All right, hey, Sally, do me a favor, will ya?
Yeah.
Call Laura and tell her that I said that Rob said he's coming home with a surprise.
Why me? Why can't you call her?
I don't know the number.
What are you, chicken?
Hello, Marge?
Do you call Mrs. Petrie and tell her I said that Buddy told me that Rob asked him to tell her that Rob's coming home with a surprise?
I'll give you eight to five. I can't repeat it.
Oh, Millie, that looks beautiful. That's just great.
Now, let's see, I got the spaghetti sauce simmering, the salad's in the refrigerator.
The wine.
Where's the wine? Millie, where's the wine?
Right there where you put it.
I'll just open it now and say Rob's the father.
Ooh, let him open it. It makes him feel manly.
All right, if it makes him feel manly, I won't open it.
Oh, Millie, thank you for helping me with all this.
You knew that I exaggerated about Rob, didn't you?
No, the way you told it, he sounded a lot like my Jerry.
Mommy?
Yes, dear?
What are we having for dinner?
Something delicious.
Oh, gee, I like hamburger.
I know, darling, but this is Daddy's evening.
Okay.
Now, what have I forgotten?
It's Rob.
Oh, Millie, why am I so nervous?
Now, calm down and I'll slip out the back door.
No, Millie, don't leave me.
Relax, he's your husband.
Um, Richie?
Yes, Mommy?
Daddy's home, darling. Do you want to let him in?
Okay.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Rich.
Would you ask your Mommy if I may come in?
Daddy says...
You should tell Daddy he's welcome here anytime.
She says, yeah.
Mommy, Daddy doesn't look like a wild man.
Oh, Rob.
Honey, it was my fault.
Oh, no, it wasn't. It was my fault.
Let's go ahead, please.
Okay.
Hey, this is for me.
Oh, Rich, don't drop that.
Is this for me?
No, this is for Mommy.
Mommy, this is for you.
What is it?
Your favorite thing in this whole world, a complete Chinese dinner.
Don't you do that.
Why?
Don't you do that.
Rob, you must have known that I'd have dinner prepared.
You...
Rob, won't you ever learn?
Why didn't you call me?
Didn't Buddy call you?
No, the switchboard girl called, but she didn't say that you were bringing home dinner.
I told Buddy to... Didn't he say surprise?
Oh, no.
Boy, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.
You've got to be a wild man, Daddy.
No, I'm not, Rich.
Then I'm going to go watch television.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I just thought I wanted everything to be fun tonight.
Oh, darling, so did I.
And that's why I fixed your favorite dinner.
You didn't.
Spaghetti?
Hey, look, just like Nino's, with breadsticks and everything.
Cress, duck, egg rolls, barbecued ribs.
Moo goo gai pan.
What?
Moo goo gai pan?
Oh, Rob, do you remember the first time you brought it home to me?
Mm-hmm. When you were expecting Rich.
You remember.
You, uh, forgive me?
I guess I should.
You better. I'll eat up all your moo goo gai pan.
Boy, whoever said there was a silver lining for every cloud sure knew his clouds, didn't he?
How'd he figure that?
Well, I mean, if we hadn't had that big fight,
we wouldn't have this great make-up party.
We wouldn't have this great making-up period.
I just wish we could find some way of having the making-up without the fighting.
Well, there's no way, but we could make a fortune if we could invent a way, huh?
Not only that, but we wouldn't run the risk of upsetting Richie.
Yeah. Boy, thank goodness he missed the fight.
I hope he did.
Could be awfully upsetting to a child to hear his mother and father yelling at each other.
Yeah, kind of shakes their secure little world.
I'm sure he was sound asleep, though.
But honey, is that enough moo goo gai pan?
A little heavier on the goo.
Okay.
Are four meatballs enough?
Yeah, it'll do for start, anyway.
Okay, there you are, honey. A meal fit for Mrs. Charlie Chan.
Thank you. And for you, a meal fit for Rosanna Brotsy.
Thank you.
Hey, what about me?
Oh, Rich. There you are.
A meal fit for a young prince, your royal hamburger.
What's the tuna fish?
Yeah, the tuna fish is in there, just like you ordered it.
Oh, boy. Can I eat it in my bedroom?
Well, don't you want to eat with us?
No.
Why not, Rich?
I don't like to hear yelling.
Oh, I heard us.
Let me handle it, honey.
Uh, Rich.
Come here, buddy.
Rich, did you by any chance overhear your mommy and I having a discussion last night?
You see, Richie, all mommies and daddies have discussions like the one daddy and I had.
Do Dr. and Mrs. Helper have those discussions?
Oh, yeah, a lot more often than mommy and I do.
They call theirs fights.
Well, as they seem like a fight, but a fight's kind of a different thing.
What's the difference?
Well, the difference between a fight and discussion is, uh,
well, you've seen boxers in the ring hitting each other.
Now, that's a fight.
You mean like Floyd Patterson and Sonny Lister?
Well, a lot of people thought that was more of a discussion.
Oh, this is no time for an editorial.
That's right, Rich. That was a fight.
Now, what mommy and I had was a disagreement, a discussion.
And it's all over now.
No more yelling?
No more yelling.
You promise?
I promise.
Okay, I'll eat with you.
Good.
Okay, everyone, grab your plates.
Richie, you mean you really were afraid that mommy and I were going to yell at each other?
Not at each other.
Well, at who then?
At me.
Well, Rich, why would we yell at you?
For breaking your salon's stirrup shaving lotion yesterday.
That's right. I never did yell at you for that, did I?
Forget it, Rich. It's all forgotten and forgiven.
Tonight, nothing could make me angry.
Really?
Really.
Good. I got a 20 on my spelling test.
You have to sign it.
20 on your spelling test?
Oh, Rich, this lady...
We promised. No more yelling.
That's right.
Here, daddy, sign it.
Nope. First we eat, then we sign.
But no yelling.
No yelling.
But a lot of loud discussion.
The End