WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.000 ♪♪ 00:02.000 --> 00:04.340 Tonight, Jimmy Durante. 00:04.340 --> 00:05.840 ♪♪ 00:05.840 --> 00:10.380 Starring his guests, Fred Allen and Eddie Cantor. 00:10.380 --> 00:12.480 ♪♪ 00:12.480 --> 00:14.680 With Eddie Jackson, Jack Ross, 00:14.680 --> 00:17.780 Jules Maffano, Al Norman, Milton Crone, 00:17.780 --> 00:20.620 Bell Flower and Abe Vigoda. 00:20.620 --> 00:22.560 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 00:22.560 --> 00:27.560 presenting the one and only Jimmy Durante in person. 00:27.560 --> 00:40.500 ♪♪ 00:40.500 --> 00:42.880 You've got to... 00:42.880 --> 00:44.440 Folks, it's in my contract. 00:44.440 --> 00:48.140 NBC has got to furnish me with transportation. 00:48.140 --> 00:50.320 Puss! Puss! 00:50.320 --> 00:52.680 I was born to be a supervisor. 00:52.680 --> 00:55.880 Puss me over there! 00:55.880 --> 00:57.760 Uh... 00:57.760 --> 00:59.860 Hello? What? 00:59.860 --> 01:01.720 No, I will not get off. 01:01.720 --> 01:03.260 All right, you've had it. 01:03.260 --> 01:05.560 Wait a minute. All right, all right. 01:05.560 --> 01:07.300 All right, I'll get off. 01:07.300 --> 01:09.840 ♪♪ 01:09.840 --> 01:11.640 I'll get even with them. 01:11.640 --> 01:13.900 I'll put... I'll put putty in my dimples 01:13.900 --> 01:15.580 and ruin their photography. 01:15.580 --> 01:17.280 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 01:17.280 --> 01:18.840 Let me hear that band. 01:18.840 --> 01:20.740 Hear this. 01:20.740 --> 01:22.780 Hey, now, this'll be better. 01:22.780 --> 01:24.880 You even look better. 01:24.880 --> 01:26.880 I'm here to tell you that you... 01:26.880 --> 01:36.160 ♪♪ 01:36.160 --> 01:39.600 Everywhere I go, relatives. 01:39.600 --> 01:40.800 Get it out of here! 01:40.800 --> 01:42.200 Take it up out of there! 01:42.200 --> 01:47.840 ♪♪ 01:47.840 --> 01:51.040 You've got to start off each day with a song. 01:51.040 --> 01:52.840 Yes, now, even... 01:52.840 --> 01:54.240 Wait a minute. 01:54.240 --> 01:57.020 Wait a minute. 01:57.020 --> 01:58.580 Wait a minute! 01:58.580 --> 02:01.320 ♪♪ 02:01.320 --> 02:03.220 Why, NBC didn't pay their bills, 02:03.220 --> 02:05.820 so they've taken away the theater. 02:05.820 --> 02:07.120 Let me up out of here. 02:07.120 --> 02:08.760 Let me up out of here! 02:08.760 --> 02:12.360 ♪♪ 02:12.360 --> 02:13.660 Just as I thought. 02:13.660 --> 02:17.440 This place has nothing but a hole in the ground. 02:17.440 --> 02:20.540 Them stagehands, they should hang by the rope. 02:20.540 --> 02:21.740 Let me hear it! 02:21.740 --> 02:23.880 You've got to... You've got to start off each day 02:23.880 --> 02:25.680 with a song. 02:25.680 --> 02:29.380 Say, now, even when things go wrong, 02:29.380 --> 02:31.680 now, even better. 02:31.680 --> 02:33.680 Stop! Stop! 02:33.680 --> 02:36.480 I've been having trouble with that band all winter. 02:36.480 --> 02:43.100 ♪♪ 02:43.100 --> 02:47.260 We had to join the musicians' union for that. 02:47.260 --> 02:51.540 Wait a minute. I'll straighten you out. 02:51.540 --> 02:56.280 Play with that. 02:56.280 --> 03:00.640 Attention! 03:00.640 --> 03:06.820 Inspection arms! 03:06.820 --> 03:07.980 Just as I thought. 03:07.980 --> 03:11.720 This thing hasn't been cleaned since it's been fired. 03:11.720 --> 03:16.120 You guys don't know how to treat delicate instruments. 03:16.120 --> 03:18.560 That'll take some of the wind out of that band. 03:18.560 --> 03:23.340 ♪♪ 03:23.340 --> 03:26.600 Now, you know that you can't go wrong. 03:26.600 --> 03:30.140 Why, if you start off each day with a song, 03:30.140 --> 03:32.880 you've got to start off each day with a song. 03:32.880 --> 03:34.240 Ha-ha! 03:34.240 --> 03:36.020 Even when things go... 03:36.020 --> 03:39.120 Oh, folks, I've got to show you this. 03:39.120 --> 03:41.520 This is an NBC contract. 03:41.520 --> 03:45.520 It's one of them 30-year deals that Milton Berle got. 03:45.520 --> 03:49.160 But I'm not signing no contract for 30 years. 03:49.160 --> 03:51.560 That would leave me out of work at 64. 03:51.560 --> 03:54.000 Ha-ha! 03:54.000 --> 03:56.900 Yeah, they ain't tricking Durante. 03:56.900 --> 04:00.780 Yeah, now you know that you can't go wrong. 04:00.780 --> 04:02.440 Why, if you start off each day... 04:02.440 --> 04:04.440 Oh, thanks. 04:04.440 --> 04:06.080 Hello? 04:06.080 --> 04:08.120 What? 04:08.120 --> 04:11.080 A girl watching me in Kansas City wants me to kiss her. 04:11.080 --> 04:13.280 Ha-ha! 04:13.280 --> 04:15.320 I don't know what to do. 04:15.320 --> 04:17.020 I kissed a girl in Davenport, 04:17.020 --> 04:19.460 but I never kissed a girl in Kansas City. 04:19.460 --> 04:23.060 Well, here goes. 04:23.060 --> 04:25.900 Mwah! 04:25.900 --> 04:27.200 How's that? 04:27.200 --> 04:28.440 What? 04:28.440 --> 04:30.100 How do you like that? 04:30.100 --> 04:31.800 A dog thinks my nose is a bone, 04:31.800 --> 04:35.040 and he's trying to bury the television set. 04:35.040 --> 04:36.680 Ha-ha! 04:36.680 --> 04:40.480 I'll get even with that dog if it takes me 20 years. 04:40.480 --> 04:42.080 I know what I'll use. 04:42.080 --> 04:45.520 Say, now, even when things go wrong, 04:45.520 --> 04:47.320 why, you feel better. 04:47.320 --> 04:48.920 You even look better. 04:48.920 --> 04:52.920 You know, folks, I'm really excited tonight. 04:52.920 --> 04:55.020 This is my last show of the season, 04:55.020 --> 04:59.100 and they're gonna pay me off right now for the whole series. 04:59.100 --> 05:02.240 ♪ 05:02.240 --> 05:03.900 What's this? 05:03.900 --> 05:06.400 ♪ 05:06.400 --> 05:09.040 This kind of salary is gonna make a miser out of me. 05:09.040 --> 05:11.240 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 05:11.240 --> 05:13.940 From now on, it's Durante the Penny Pincher. 05:13.940 --> 05:15.320 Hold it, Durante! 05:15.320 --> 05:17.580 One, two, three, four, five, six! 05:17.580 --> 05:21.880 ♪ 05:21.880 --> 05:23.360 I gotta get out of this bracket. 05:23.360 --> 05:26.260 The withholding tax is too high. 05:26.260 --> 05:29.720 Now you know, Jack, you can't go wrong. 05:29.720 --> 05:32.600 Why, if you don't, the day will come. 05:32.600 --> 05:43.380 ♪ 05:43.380 --> 05:44.380 Here you are. 05:44.380 --> 05:45.640 I'm sure you'll find, Dally, 05:45.640 --> 05:48.080 a South Sea Island paradise for your honeymoon. 05:48.080 --> 05:49.780 Thank you. I'm sure we'll enjoy it. 05:49.780 --> 05:50.920 Of course. 05:50.920 --> 05:52.380 What a vacation spot. 05:52.380 --> 05:54.720 They'll never forget it as long as they live. 05:54.720 --> 05:56.180 Dally in the spring, 05:56.180 --> 05:58.120 the ripple of a blue lagoon, 05:58.120 --> 06:01.160 lovers with their hands entwined. 06:01.160 --> 06:03.760 What happiness two people could find there. 06:03.760 --> 06:07.300 How I wish I had someone to take on a honeymoon to Bali. 06:07.300 --> 06:09.740 If you're willing to share expenses, I'm yours. 06:09.740 --> 06:12.140 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 06:12.140 --> 06:15.840 Totally ridiculous, the very idea, you nincompoop! 06:15.840 --> 06:17.980 What a shame, our first quarrel. 06:17.980 --> 06:19.040 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 06:19.040 --> 06:20.380 Call it out now, what do you want? 06:20.380 --> 06:21.820 Well, I want to go on a vacation. 06:21.820 --> 06:23.640 I want to go someplace where I can relax. 06:23.640 --> 06:24.720 Well, I know what you need. 06:24.720 --> 06:27.060 A trip to the mountains, fresh air and exercise. 06:27.060 --> 06:28.380 Up at the crack of dawn, 06:28.380 --> 06:30.920 and then by borrow train to the top of the mountain. 06:30.920 --> 06:32.220 Come, we go to the mountain. 06:32.220 --> 06:33.460 Come, come, follow me. 06:33.460 --> 06:37.560 Up, up, up, up we go, up we go, up we go. 06:37.560 --> 06:39.700 There we are, there we are. 06:39.700 --> 06:41.040 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 06:41.040 --> 06:42.940 Now we're at the top of the mountain. 06:42.940 --> 06:45.000 This is my last show and the writers don't care 06:45.000 --> 06:46.040 if I break my leg. 06:46.040 --> 06:49.680 Now look, we're at the very rim of the Grand Canyon. 06:49.680 --> 06:53.220 Look down, look down, 2,000 feet to the riverbed. 06:53.220 --> 06:55.480 See how beautiful it is down there. 06:55.480 --> 06:56.880 If it's so beautiful down there, 06:56.880 --> 06:58.480 what are you dragging me up here for? 06:58.480 --> 07:00.180 ♪ 07:00.180 --> 07:01.760 Listen, I don't like the mountains. 07:01.760 --> 07:03.920 But they're so beautiful and mysterious. 07:03.920 --> 07:07.320 You call out across the canyon and your voice echoes back. 07:07.320 --> 07:08.320 Yeah? 07:07.320 --> 07:08.320 Yeah. 07:08.320 --> 07:09.320 I'll try it. 07:08.320 --> 07:09.320 Go ahead. 07:10.320 --> 07:11.320 Hello! 07:12.640 --> 07:13.640 Hello! 07:14.560 --> 07:17.060 Eek-a-dee-ka-doo! 07:17.060 --> 07:19.800 Eek-a-dee-ka-doo! 07:19.800 --> 07:23.740 I think this echo's a fake, but I'll find out. 07:23.740 --> 07:24.740 Ha-ha! 07:24.740 --> 07:27.200 Ah! 07:27.200 --> 07:30.200 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! 07:30.200 --> 07:31.200 It is an echo. 07:31.200 --> 07:33.200 I can tell my voice anywhere. 07:33.200 --> 07:34.700 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 07:34.700 --> 07:36.720 Yeah, but still, I don't like climbing mountains. 07:36.720 --> 07:37.720 I know what you want. 07:37.720 --> 07:39.720 You should take a nice long sea voyage. 07:39.720 --> 07:40.720 Come down. 07:40.720 --> 07:41.720 There we go. 07:41.720 --> 07:42.720 Come on, young man. 07:42.720 --> 07:43.720 Here we go. 07:43.720 --> 07:44.720 Oopsie-daisy. 07:44.720 --> 07:45.720 Had a ball. 07:45.720 --> 07:46.720 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 07:46.720 --> 07:47.720 Now here we are. 07:47.720 --> 07:48.720 Imagine yourself standing on the deck 07:48.720 --> 07:50.220 of a beautiful luxury liner, 07:50.220 --> 07:53.220 plowing through the beautiful waters of the Caribbean. 07:53.220 --> 07:55.220 Hey! Cut it out! Cut it out! 07:55.220 --> 07:56.220 What's the matter? 07:56.220 --> 07:58.220 Or I'll get sick like I did at rehearsals. 07:58.220 --> 07:59.220 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 07:59.220 --> 08:01.220 Cut it out! Cut it out! 08:01.220 --> 08:03.220 You won't get sick, not at all. 08:03.220 --> 08:06.220 Not with a spray of salt water in your face. 08:06.220 --> 08:07.220 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 08:07.220 --> 08:08.220 What's the matter? 08:08.220 --> 08:10.220 You wasn't supposed to use real liquid. 08:10.220 --> 08:12.220 You're ruining my TV makeup. 08:14.220 --> 08:15.220 Oh, no. 08:15.220 --> 08:18.220 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 08:18.220 --> 08:20.220 What are you laughing at? 08:20.220 --> 08:22.220 When you have as little hair as I've got, 08:22.220 --> 08:25.220 why, each hair lash is priceless. 08:25.220 --> 08:26.220 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 08:26.220 --> 08:28.220 Well, I suppose there's no use fighting it. 08:28.220 --> 08:30.220 There's only one place for you. 08:30.220 --> 08:31.220 Bali. 08:31.220 --> 08:32.220 Come over here, young man. 08:32.220 --> 08:33.220 Where, you're dragging me now? 08:33.220 --> 08:34.220 Over here to Bali. 08:34.220 --> 08:36.220 Now look at this beautiful display of Bali. 08:36.220 --> 08:37.220 Land of utopia. 08:37.220 --> 08:39.220 Imagine yourself in this beautiful setting. 08:39.220 --> 08:42.220 Swinging palms, sparkling sands, 08:42.220 --> 08:44.220 the eternal sunshine, 08:44.220 --> 08:46.220 the peaceful waters of the Pacific, 08:46.220 --> 08:52.220 and the exotic dances of the Balinese ladies. 09:46.220 --> 10:12.220 This is all very nice, but what do you do for fun? 10:12.220 --> 10:15.220 Please, sit here and relax. 10:15.220 --> 10:22.220 Why, I'd be glad to. 10:22.220 --> 10:28.220 Ah, it's times like this when one forgets Eddie Jackson. 10:28.220 --> 10:31.220 Ah, this is really good living. 10:31.220 --> 10:33.220 Please have coconut milk. 10:33.220 --> 10:40.220 Why, I'd be tickled to death. 10:40.220 --> 10:44.220 Well, what do you know? 10:44.220 --> 10:47.220 I'd give a million dollars if I could find out 10:47.220 --> 10:50.220 how those pet milk cows got into this. 10:50.220 --> 10:56.220 Please have some fruit. 10:56.220 --> 11:02.220 I'm in the moods for grapes. 11:02.220 --> 11:04.220 Ah, it's no use. 11:04.220 --> 11:06.220 By the time I get close enough to kiss her, 11:06.220 --> 11:10.220 I'd have indigestion. 11:10.220 --> 11:11.220 You like our island. 11:11.220 --> 11:13.220 Well, I like it very much, 11:13.220 --> 11:15.220 but I'm kind of lonesome for my girl. 11:15.220 --> 11:17.220 Say, I wish I could send her a message. 11:17.220 --> 11:18.220 That is easy. 11:18.220 --> 11:20.220 Send message on drum. 11:20.220 --> 11:22.220 Oh, can we do that? 11:22.220 --> 11:32.220 Una, guna. 11:32.220 --> 11:37.220 Haven't I thrown a piano board at you someplace before? 11:37.220 --> 11:38.220 Haven't I? 11:38.220 --> 11:40.220 Olga, Olga. 11:40.220 --> 11:42.220 Olga, Olga. 11:42.220 --> 11:46.220 I'm not a politician that you see to get a line on this show. 11:46.220 --> 11:49.220 All right, take a message. 11:49.220 --> 11:53.220 Dear Mabel. 11:53.220 --> 11:55.220 Period. 11:55.220 --> 12:05.220 I'm having a wonderful time. 12:05.220 --> 12:07.220 Wait a minute. 12:07.220 --> 12:09.220 Wait a minute. 12:09.220 --> 12:13.220 You give him a speaking pot and he gets drunk with power. 12:13.220 --> 12:14.220 Let's continue. 12:14.220 --> 12:22.220 The weather here is beautiful. 12:22.220 --> 12:23.220 Wait a minute. 12:23.220 --> 12:24.220 You're misspelling the words. 12:24.220 --> 12:27.220 Erase everything. 12:27.220 --> 12:28.220 I changed my mind. 12:28.220 --> 12:29.220 I don't want... 12:29.220 --> 12:30.220 Oh, wait a minute. 12:30.220 --> 12:34.220 I want to give you a tip. 12:34.220 --> 12:42.220 Here, spread it around. 12:42.220 --> 12:44.220 You didn't expect that. 12:44.220 --> 12:46.220 Jimmy, forget your girlfriend. 12:46.220 --> 12:48.220 There are many girls here. 12:48.220 --> 12:50.220 Come, join us in Balinese dance. 12:50.220 --> 12:54.220 Well, you don't have to ask the randy twice. 12:54.220 --> 12:58.220 Now some guys are at their best when they're surrounded by machinery. 12:58.220 --> 13:02.220 And others like the work when they're in gorgeous scenery. 13:02.220 --> 13:05.220 Guys like the great big hammock you sit around and rest in. 13:05.220 --> 13:17.220 But it's the kind of surroundings that I look the best in. 13:17.220 --> 13:20.220 You girls look gorgeous and that's on the square. 13:20.220 --> 13:24.220 But your dancing puts their thoughts here and there. 13:24.220 --> 13:26.220 Now dancing is my racket. 13:26.220 --> 13:28.220 I dance up a storm. 13:28.220 --> 13:37.220 I'm very close and I'm going to set the tone up. 13:37.220 --> 13:38.220 Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. 13:38.220 --> 13:39.220 Wait a minute. 13:39.220 --> 13:40.220 Hold it. 13:40.220 --> 13:41.220 What's the matter with you? 13:41.220 --> 13:42.220 That's good. 13:42.220 --> 13:44.220 But Charleston, no good. 13:44.220 --> 13:47.220 Here, every movement has meaning. 13:47.220 --> 13:59.220 Only dance is Balinese. 13:59.220 --> 14:01.220 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 14:01.220 --> 14:03.220 You call that dancing? 14:03.220 --> 14:10.220 Why, I used to do that dance years ago when I wanted to break up a cold. 14:10.220 --> 14:12.220 Why, everybody is nuts. 14:12.220 --> 14:14.220 And it's really got me beat. 14:14.220 --> 14:18.220 Why, I remember years ago when you used to dance with your feet. 14:18.220 --> 14:22.220 Now somebody said you'll wiggle my head. 14:22.220 --> 14:25.220 I tried, but it made me a wreck. 14:25.220 --> 14:29.220 Why, they said it was great and right up the date. 14:29.220 --> 14:36.220 But it gives me a pain in the neck. 14:36.220 --> 14:44.220 I dance just like a boxer and I'm in a box. 14:44.220 --> 14:45.220 I'll do it, but I feel like heck. 14:45.220 --> 14:52.220 Now I jump like a jack, but I fall out of whack. 14:52.220 --> 14:55.220 It gives me a pain in the neck. 14:55.220 --> 14:59.220 You know, they dance like someone's knocked a piece of ice down their back. 14:59.220 --> 15:03.220 They're moving fast, they don't want to holler. 15:03.220 --> 15:05.220 Now, knock, knock. 15:05.220 --> 15:10.220 Now, that isn't holler, but make sure you wear a loose collar. 15:10.220 --> 15:14.220 Hold your head low like you're saying no. 15:14.220 --> 15:18.220 And then like a chicken, you peck. 15:18.220 --> 15:21.220 I get headache pills, but it gives me a thrill. 15:21.220 --> 15:26.220 Guns. 15:26.220 --> 15:29.220 It gives me a pain in the neck. 15:29.220 --> 15:36.220 I'm, they're closing in on me, I'm trapped. 15:36.220 --> 15:42.220 You gal should be working in a winery crushing grapes. 15:42.220 --> 15:45.220 Every move tells a story. 15:45.220 --> 15:53.220 All right, let me see you translate this. 15:53.220 --> 15:59.220 Eek-a-dee-ka-doo, there's a blue bell up in Iceland. 15:59.220 --> 16:02.220 A-bee-dee-ki-ki-ki-ya. 16:02.220 --> 16:15.220 Now, eek-a, eek-a, eek-a-dee, eek-a, eek-a, eek-a-dee-ka-doo-ya. 16:15.220 --> 16:19.220 This part of the number was staged by Dr. Scholl's foot pads. 16:19.220 --> 16:20.220 Ha ha ha! 16:23.220 --> 16:25.220 East is east and west is west. 16:26.220 --> 16:28.220 But we never did it like this on the east side. 16:31.220 --> 16:33.220 Wait a minute, stop the music, stop the music! 16:33.220 --> 16:35.220 I'm sick of this kind of dancing. 16:35.220 --> 16:37.220 Come on, I want to do one of my own numbers. 16:37.220 --> 16:39.220 Now follow me every step. Ready? 16:39.220 --> 16:40.220 Hey! 16:42.220 --> 16:43.220 You're a hero! 16:43.220 --> 16:46.220 And now you give it to me. 16:47.220 --> 16:50.220 And now put on your hats. 16:50.220 --> 16:51.220 Hey! 16:52.220 --> 16:56.220 No matter what music you play, they still do the heebie-jeebies. 16:57.220 --> 16:58.220 Hey, hey! 16:59.220 --> 17:00.220 Keep dancing. 17:01.220 --> 17:04.220 Hey, now don't you give me that! 17:05.220 --> 17:06.220 What a disgrace. 17:07.220 --> 17:09.220 My butcher pinkies are out of step. 17:09.220 --> 17:12.220 We've got a half of the chorus of the hot patata. 17:13.220 --> 17:14.220 And now... 17:16.220 --> 17:17.220 What happened to my music? 17:19.220 --> 17:23.220 Folks, this is good exercise if your big toe is overweight. 17:24.220 --> 17:25.220 What's going on now? 17:32.220 --> 17:34.220 I feel as though my nose is in a vice. 17:34.220 --> 17:37.220 I feel as though my nose is in a vice. 17:40.220 --> 17:45.220 If this is the dance of the noses, you're looking at the new Fred Astaire. 17:48.220 --> 17:50.220 Say, I get headaches. 17:50.220 --> 17:52.220 When I see me a girl... 17:56.220 --> 17:58.220 She gives me a pain in the neck. 17:58.220 --> 18:04.220 Get it, Tom! She gives me a pain in the neck! 18:20.220 --> 18:21.220 Hello, hello! 18:21.220 --> 18:24.220 Yeah, we're rearranging the furniture in 472. 18:24.220 --> 18:28.220 That's right. Your auntie's going on vacation, the new tenant is coming in. 18:29.220 --> 18:32.220 Oh, what are you worried about? It'll be ready in time. 18:32.220 --> 18:34.220 Now look, we're working every minute. 18:35.220 --> 18:37.220 Hey, fellas, where were we now? 18:37.220 --> 18:55.220 Oh, that's it! 19:07.220 --> 19:11.220 Oh, yeah! 19:38.220 --> 19:39.220 Oh, yeah! 19:49.220 --> 19:51.220 How do you do? I'm the manager's secretary. 19:52.220 --> 19:55.220 I'd like that chair moved over there, and put that table over here. 19:56.220 --> 19:59.220 And please get rid of that picture of that palatine. 20:02.220 --> 20:05.220 Open up these windows. This place simply reeks of cigar smoke. 20:05.220 --> 20:10.220 What's going on here? I consider this a protrusion. This is my room. 20:10.220 --> 20:12.220 Now don't get upset, Mr. Durante. 20:12.220 --> 20:15.220 I have a habit of making myself at home in any of these rooms. 20:15.220 --> 20:18.220 You come one step closer and I'll scream for the house detective. 20:19.220 --> 20:21.220 Don't be silly. I'm the manager's secretary. 20:22.220 --> 20:26.220 I understood you were leaving, so I'm rearranging the furniture in the suite for the new tenant. 20:26.220 --> 20:28.220 And I'll expect you to get out immediately. 20:28.220 --> 20:29.220 We'll see about that. 20:31.220 --> 20:33.220 Hello? Hello, get me the house manager. 20:33.220 --> 20:35.220 They want you guys downstairs. You take care of this. 20:35.220 --> 20:38.220 Hello, Mr. Christenberry. This is Durante. 20:39.220 --> 20:42.220 Say, what's the idea? I've always paid my bills properly and nice. 20:45.220 --> 20:47.220 Have you guys got a license to drive a chair? 20:50.220 --> 20:54.220 I'd like to have a transfer to the egg chair going to the kitchen. 20:55.220 --> 20:56.220 Put me down. Put me down. 20:56.220 --> 20:58.220 Shut up, Banana Beet. I'm staring away. 20:59.220 --> 21:00.220 Riffraff. 21:00.220 --> 21:06.220 As I was saying, Mr. Christenberry, now I've always paid my bills and I think that it's out of order. 21:11.220 --> 21:14.220 I swore I was lying down a minute ago. 21:15.220 --> 21:16.220 Hey, hey, let's take it over here. 21:16.220 --> 21:17.220 No, over this way. 21:17.220 --> 21:18.220 No, over here. 21:18.220 --> 21:19.220 Over this way. 21:19.220 --> 21:20.220 Over here. 21:20.220 --> 21:26.220 For those of you who tuned in late, don't touch the horizontal knob. It's us that's moving. 21:26.220 --> 21:29.220 Mr. Afton, you have to leave at once. The new tenant is good. 21:29.220 --> 21:30.220 Oh, good. 21:30.220 --> 21:32.220 Uh, won't you join me? 21:33.220 --> 21:35.220 Pull up a couch and stand up. 21:36.220 --> 21:38.220 Take that couch out of here immediately. 21:39.220 --> 21:40.220 Hurry and take it. 21:40.220 --> 21:41.220 All right, take it out. 21:41.220 --> 21:42.220 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 21:42.220 --> 21:43.220 Good, Alan. 21:43.220 --> 21:45.220 Wow. 21:50.220 --> 21:52.220 Anyone for anything? 21:52.220 --> 21:55.220 Anyone for anything? 21:55.220 --> 21:58.220 Hey, Fred, I'm glad to see you. Believe me. 21:58.220 --> 22:02.220 Well, Jimmy, it's very nice of you to show up here to greet me, to be on hand here to greet me. 22:02.220 --> 22:03.220 I certainly appreciate it. 22:03.220 --> 22:07.220 Well, wait a minute. Greet you? Why, I'm not leaving here till midnight. It's my room. 22:07.220 --> 22:09.220 You're not leaving just a minute, boy. 22:11.220 --> 22:14.220 That's something I learned as a child at Jack Benny's knee. 22:15.220 --> 22:17.220 Hey, listen. Listen, Fred. 22:17.220 --> 22:20.220 I'd love to have you move in, but I haven't started packing yet. 22:20.220 --> 22:23.220 Well, I'll help you pack, Jimmy. Don't worry about it. I'll get your things. 22:23.220 --> 22:25.220 Wait a minute. I don't want to get out yet. 22:25.220 --> 22:26.220 I'll have you out of here and sing. 22:26.220 --> 22:28.220 What are these towels, Jimmy? 22:28.220 --> 22:30.220 Asta Hotel. 22:30.220 --> 22:32.220 Park Sheraton. 22:33.220 --> 22:35.220 Mills Hotel. 22:36.220 --> 22:41.220 Hey, Jimmy, what is this roller towel with a piece of wall on it here? What is this? 22:42.220 --> 22:46.220 You know, I went to the Roxy Theater last night and they thought they had me. 22:46.220 --> 22:50.220 Ah, Fred. Fred, you mixed all my towels up. 22:50.220 --> 22:51.220 Oh, Jimmy. 22:51.220 --> 22:54.220 And I worked so hard to get them in alphabetical order. 22:55.220 --> 22:58.220 Jimmy, I'll put them right back in order as soon as I unpack my things here. 22:58.220 --> 23:03.220 I always unpack my shirts first, Jimmy, when I get into a hotel. 23:03.220 --> 23:05.220 Because shirts are like old generals. 23:05.220 --> 23:08.220 They don't die, but they sure do fade away. 23:09.220 --> 23:15.220 I, uh, I think this, uh, this room is going to be very nice for me, Jimmy. 23:15.220 --> 23:19.220 As soon as I, uh, as soon as I can get over to, uh, 23:21.220 --> 23:28.220 as soon as I can get over to Abercrombie & Fitches to, uh, make up a possum call at a portable campfire, 23:28.220 --> 23:32.220 I'm going up to my, I'm going up to my place up in Maine. 23:32.220 --> 23:38.220 I, uh, say, I wonder if I brought too many shirts. 23:38.220 --> 23:46.220 It's, uh, it's amazing how many shirts you can get in a little valise like this. 23:46.220 --> 23:49.220 You don't realize it until you test the, pack them. 23:49.220 --> 23:52.220 Well, thank heavens this is the end of them here. 23:55.220 --> 23:58.220 Say, they must be breeding down here. 23:58.220 --> 24:01.220 Jimmy, you are not acting friendly. 24:01.220 --> 24:04.220 I was here first and I'm squatting on my squatter's rights. 24:05.220 --> 24:07.220 Jimmy, all my things are unpacked here. 24:07.220 --> 24:09.220 I even have more stuff coming. 24:09.220 --> 24:11.220 My, my hunting trophy is here. 24:11.220 --> 24:14.220 Say, boy, bellboy, will you bring in my hunting trophy? 24:14.220 --> 24:16.220 My hunting trophy I brought with me here. 24:16.220 --> 24:17.220 What's that? 24:17.220 --> 24:20.220 This is an elk I shot at the last convention. 24:20.220 --> 24:28.220 Jimmy, I hear that you, you can't decide where to go on your vacation this summer. 24:28.220 --> 24:30.220 How did you find that out? You must be psychic. 24:30.220 --> 24:34.220 No, I saw the first part of the show across the street in a bar, Jimmy. 24:34.220 --> 24:36.220 And you know, I didn't even recognize you. 24:36.220 --> 24:39.220 I thought your nose was a pickle on the free lunch. 24:41.220 --> 24:43.220 Say, Fred, where do you go on your vacation? 24:43.220 --> 24:44.220 I don't know. 24:44.220 --> 24:45.220 I don't know. 24:45.220 --> 24:46.220 I don't know. 24:46.220 --> 24:47.220 I don't know. 24:47.220 --> 24:48.220 I don't know. 24:48.220 --> 24:50.220 Say, Fred, where do you go on your vacation? 24:50.220 --> 24:52.220 Well, I always go up to Maine, Jimmy. 24:52.220 --> 24:53.220 Say, you've had a hard season. 24:53.220 --> 24:56.220 Why don't you come up to Maine and spend a little time with me? 24:56.220 --> 24:58.220 You know, you can relax up there in the Maine woods. 24:58.220 --> 25:02.220 Why, I'd be tickle as death, and in the evenings I can noodle around the piano. 25:02.220 --> 25:05.220 Noodle on the piano, and I can noodle along with you, Jimmy. 25:05.220 --> 25:06.220 I'm a clarinet here. 25:06.220 --> 25:09.220 I'll bring my clarinet up, too. 25:09.220 --> 25:11.220 Why, I never knew you could play clarinet. 25:11.220 --> 25:18.220 Oh, I studied two years at Juilliard, three years in Vienna, and four years glass blowing, Jimmy. 25:18.220 --> 25:22.220 I am a master of the clarinet, but I can't seem to get any place with it. 25:22.220 --> 25:25.220 Say, Fred, do you mind if I give you a few tips? 25:25.220 --> 25:26.220 Well, I certainly wish you would, Jimmy. 25:26.220 --> 25:28.220 All right, then let me tell you something. 25:28.220 --> 25:32.220 You know, to tell you the truth, you've got to be cute when you toot. 25:32.220 --> 25:34.220 And just like that, I'll be Maine. 25:34.220 --> 25:35.220 That's right. 25:35.220 --> 25:38.220 Why, there's a minion trickling in every tree. 25:38.220 --> 25:45.220 Why, you can realize your ambition if you've got personality. 25:45.220 --> 25:47.220 Stupendous! 25:47.220 --> 25:52.220 Why, you could be a great musician if you've got personality. 25:54.220 --> 25:57.220 Why, you've got a great face. 25:57.220 --> 26:01.220 He changed the notes, what a change of pace. 26:01.220 --> 26:07.220 Why, you can realize your ambition if you've got personality. 26:07.220 --> 26:08.220 I see. 26:08.220 --> 26:12.220 It's not what you play, it's the way that you play it. 26:12.220 --> 26:15.220 Not what you say, it's the way that you say it. 26:15.220 --> 26:16.220 Hey! 26:16.220 --> 26:19.220 If you lay an egg, it's the way that you lay it. 26:19.220 --> 26:21.220 Jimmy, I'm ready. 26:21.220 --> 26:23.220 All right, let it go. 26:25.220 --> 26:28.220 Smile, smile. Let me see you smile. 26:28.220 --> 26:31.220 How can I smile and keep on playing the thing you're doing? 26:31.220 --> 26:33.220 That's what's going to get you the money. 26:33.220 --> 26:36.220 Now take a deep breath. Hold it. 26:36.220 --> 26:38.220 Now let it go out slowly. 26:40.220 --> 26:41.220 Great. 26:42.220 --> 26:43.220 Hey! 26:43.220 --> 26:44.220 Stop! 26:44.220 --> 26:48.220 Why, save the rest of that note and we'll build another abadaba honeymoon. 26:48.220 --> 26:49.220 Ha! 26:49.220 --> 26:52.220 It's not easy, but I'll keep on trying. 26:52.220 --> 26:55.220 Yes, if you've got personality. 26:55.220 --> 26:56.220 Good. 26:57.220 --> 27:00.220 Look at the way he holds that clarinet up. 27:00.220 --> 27:02.220 Boy, you've got personality. 27:02.220 --> 27:03.220 Good. 27:03.220 --> 27:06.220 Now, look at the way he plays it. 27:06.220 --> 27:07.220 Never lets it up. 27:07.220 --> 27:09.220 You've got personality. 27:09.220 --> 27:10.220 Good. 27:10.220 --> 27:14.220 If I hit him with every trick in the books, 27:14.220 --> 27:18.220 nobody listens, everybody looks. 27:18.220 --> 27:24.220 You can realize your ambition if you've got personality. 27:24.220 --> 27:25.220 Demonstration. 27:27.220 --> 27:32.220 Ladies and gentlemen, there is a $10,000 reward for Jimmy Durante's piano teacher. 27:32.220 --> 27:35.220 Jimmy Durante's piano teacher dead or alive. 27:37.220 --> 27:41.220 Folks, if you see 11 fingers touching the keyboard, do not be alarmed. 27:41.220 --> 27:44.220 The 11th finger is Mr. Durante's nose. 27:44.220 --> 27:47.220 Why, listen, you're my prodigy. You've got to please the folks. 27:47.220 --> 27:51.220 I can throw away my gag files, my writers, and my jokes. 27:51.220 --> 27:57.220 Now you can realize your ambition if you've got personality. 27:57.220 --> 27:58.220 Stop rehearsing. 27:58.220 --> 28:02.220 Hey, if you've got personality, you've got to... 28:02.220 --> 28:04.220 If you've got personality... 28:04.220 --> 28:05.220 Oh, uh... 28:23.220 --> 28:25.220 Cab driver, give me a lift. 28:25.220 --> 28:26.220 Okay. 28:26.220 --> 28:28.220 Where are you taking this Motorola? 28:28.220 --> 28:30.220 Where am I taking it? I'm taking it... 28:30.220 --> 28:31.220 Oh, uh... 28:31.220 --> 28:35.220 Folks, you and I have been good friends all year, 28:35.220 --> 28:37.220 but I've got to be honest with you. 28:37.220 --> 28:39.220 This is a commercial. 28:39.220 --> 28:41.220 I said, uh... 28:41.220 --> 28:44.220 I said, where are you taking this Motorola? 28:44.220 --> 28:45.220 I'm taking it with me... 28:45.220 --> 28:48.220 I'm taking it with me on my vacation up to Maine. 28:48.220 --> 28:49.220 Say, will you help me put it in the cab? 28:49.220 --> 28:50.220 Okay, let's lift it. 28:50.220 --> 28:51.220 All right, open up. 28:51.220 --> 28:55.220 All right. 28:55.220 --> 28:58.220 Uh, uh, uh, uh, it's too... 28:58.220 --> 29:00.220 That's too wide, it won't fit. 29:00.220 --> 29:01.220 It won't fit? 29:01.220 --> 29:02.220 No. 29:02.220 --> 29:05.220 Well, I can't shave down the Motorola. 29:05.220 --> 29:06.220 There's only one thing to do. 29:06.220 --> 29:07.220 Hold it. 29:07.220 --> 29:08.220 Hold it. 29:14.220 --> 29:16.220 You ruined my cab! 29:16.220 --> 29:18.220 What are you complaining about? 29:18.220 --> 29:21.220 You get a better trade-in value on a convertible. 29:21.220 --> 29:24.220 All right, now help me put that Motorola in here. 29:24.220 --> 29:26.220 Come on, right over. 29:26.220 --> 29:28.220 Come on, come on, come on. 29:28.220 --> 29:29.220 Be careful. 29:29.220 --> 29:31.220 Attaboy. 29:31.220 --> 29:33.220 Attaboy. 29:33.220 --> 29:36.220 Folks, pay strict attention to this... 29:36.220 --> 29:37.220 to this scene. 29:37.220 --> 29:39.220 This is what pays the bill. 29:41.220 --> 29:43.220 All right, now come on, get started. 29:43.220 --> 29:45.220 Come on. 29:45.220 --> 29:47.220 Come on. 29:47.220 --> 29:49.220 Now be very careful around the curves. 29:51.220 --> 29:53.220 That's it, take it easy. 29:54.220 --> 29:56.220 Take it easy. 29:56.220 --> 29:57.220 That's fine. 29:57.220 --> 29:58.220 Shoo! 29:58.220 --> 30:00.220 That Motorola looks nice. 30:00.220 --> 30:06.220 I understand it's the only television set to receive the Fashion Academy Award for Beauty of Cavalier Design. 30:06.220 --> 30:08.220 You just drive the cab. 30:08.220 --> 30:10.220 You don't do no commercials. 30:10.220 --> 30:12.220 Now let me see... 30:12.220 --> 30:15.220 let me see how this built-in antenna works. 30:15.220 --> 30:18.220 Gee, only two simple controls. 30:18.220 --> 30:21.220 Just point the set arm, bring in your station, that's all there is to it. 30:21.220 --> 30:23.220 Keep your eye on the road. 30:25.220 --> 30:29.220 You know, folks, you may be wondering how this Motorola can work in a cab. 30:29.220 --> 30:31.220 I suggest you talk to the Motorola people, 30:31.220 --> 30:33.220 who at this time are wondering too. 30:35.220 --> 30:39.220 Hey, hey, how about putting in Hop Along Cassidy? 30:39.220 --> 30:42.220 Now Hop Along Cassidy is a kids' program. 30:42.220 --> 30:44.220 Let's tune in Howdy Doody. 30:46.220 --> 30:47.220 I don't care. 30:47.220 --> 30:49.220 No matter what you look at on a Motorola, 30:49.220 --> 30:52.220 you get a bigger, brighter, clearer TV picture automatically. 30:52.220 --> 30:54.220 Look out for that truck! 30:59.220 --> 31:02.220 Boy, that was a close shave. 31:03.220 --> 31:06.220 It's a good thing it was only a sound effect. 31:06.220 --> 31:08.220 Hey, keep your eye on the road. 31:08.220 --> 31:11.220 I keep my eye on Motorola because your eye tells why 31:11.220 --> 31:14.220 the very best buy is Motorola TV. 31:14.220 --> 31:16.220 If this guy don't run out of advertising, 31:16.220 --> 31:18.220 we'll never reach Man Alive. 31:19.220 --> 31:21.220 Hey, buddy, get the fights on. 31:21.220 --> 31:24.220 They look great on a Motorola with its photopoetic picture. 31:24.220 --> 31:26.220 No, I'll get something else on. 31:32.220 --> 31:34.220 The Four Star Review presents 31:34.220 --> 31:37.220 Jimmy Durante in person... 31:37.220 --> 31:38.220 Turn that off! 31:38.220 --> 31:41.220 I can't stand him. I can't stand that man! 31:41.220 --> 31:42.220 Shut up! 31:42.220 --> 31:44.220 I'm not driving you another foot! 31:44.220 --> 31:45.220 Wait a minute! 31:45.220 --> 31:46.220 Wait a minute! 31:47.220 --> 31:48.220 Wait a minute! 31:49.220 --> 31:52.220 Must be the president of some other network. 31:53.220 --> 31:54.220 Well, I'm stuck. 31:54.220 --> 31:56.220 I'm without a cab driver. 31:56.220 --> 31:58.220 I don't know what to do. 31:58.220 --> 31:59.220 Hey! 31:59.220 --> 32:09.220 Why don't you let Maxie the taxi driver... 32:23.220 --> 32:26.220 All right, boys, line up on the table. 32:26.220 --> 32:28.220 Hey, Sweeney, is that camera all set? 32:28.220 --> 32:30.220 Yep, but I still don't... 32:30.220 --> 32:31.220 It sure is cold outside. 32:31.220 --> 32:35.220 Yeah, but I still don't know why we brought television equipment up from the station in town. 32:35.220 --> 32:39.220 Well, I'll tell you. I'm opening my own television station up here in the main woods, you see. 32:39.220 --> 32:42.220 Now, Jimmy Durante thinks he's coming up here to spend a vacation, 32:42.220 --> 32:46.220 but I have sold his appearance to 20 local sponsors. 32:46.220 --> 32:50.220 Every minute that Durante is up here, he's going to be on TV without knowing it. 32:50.220 --> 32:52.220 Well, you better start, Mr. Allen. The channel is open. 32:52.220 --> 32:53.220 Oh, you open the channel? 32:53.220 --> 32:54.220 Yeah, yeah, just... 32:54.220 --> 32:55.220 Well, always tell me when you open the channel. 32:55.220 --> 32:56.220 It's open, all right. 32:56.220 --> 32:58.220 All right, now, watch the birdie. 32:58.220 --> 33:00.220 Yes, I certainly will. 33:00.220 --> 33:01.220 Good morning, neighbors. 33:01.220 --> 33:04.220 This is station FRED, the voice of the swamp, 33:04.220 --> 33:06.220 operating on channels... 33:06.220 --> 33:12.220 operating on channels 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and 13. 33:12.220 --> 33:14.220 Folks, we haven't any license. 33:14.220 --> 33:17.220 We have to horn in on any channel we can get. 33:17.220 --> 33:21.220 Now, as usual, neighbors, we are starting off today's programming 33:21.220 --> 33:23.220 by showing you our test pattern. 33:23.220 --> 33:25.220 This is our test pattern. 33:25.220 --> 33:28.220 I don't know how this hits you, neighbor, 33:28.220 --> 33:31.220 but if it doesn't hit you, I don't know about your set, 33:31.220 --> 33:33.220 but you certainly need a repairman. 33:33.220 --> 33:36.220 Now, the first news item today, Michelle may... 33:36.220 --> 33:38.220 Fred! Fred! 33:38.220 --> 33:42.220 Well, here's the one and only Jimmy Durante in person. 33:42.220 --> 33:43.220 Jimmy Durante, Jimmy Durante. 33:43.220 --> 33:45.220 Wait a minute. Wait a minute, friends. 33:45.220 --> 33:48.220 We're good friends. You don't have to applaud. 33:48.220 --> 33:51.220 Just stamp your feet and whistle. 33:51.220 --> 33:55.220 Well, Jimmy, I am as happy to see you as the folks are 33:55.220 --> 33:57.220 over there at the Boothbay Bean Company. 33:57.220 --> 33:59.220 You know, Boothbay beans are so smooth, 33:59.220 --> 34:02.220 you can't even feel them go down. 34:02.220 --> 34:05.220 As a matter of fact, you can't even get them to go down. 34:05.220 --> 34:07.220 They stick in your teeth. 34:07.220 --> 34:10.220 There's something suspicious going on around here, 34:10.220 --> 34:12.220 and I'm not supposed to find out. 34:12.220 --> 34:14.220 It'll spoil the plot. 34:14.220 --> 34:16.220 Ladies and gentlemen, this next part of the Jimmy Durante program 34:16.220 --> 34:18.220 is brought to you by Mother Mullins Coffee, 34:18.220 --> 34:23.220 the coffee that lets you sleep because it has 90% of the Goldbergs removed. 34:23.220 --> 34:26.220 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 34:26.220 --> 34:29.220 If you're looking for General MacArthur, he went that-a-way. 34:29.220 --> 34:31.220 What's the idea of this television camera? 34:31.220 --> 34:34.220 Well, Jimmy, this isn't a television camera. 34:34.220 --> 34:36.220 You heard of a Brownie No. 2? 34:36.220 --> 34:37.220 Yeah. 34:37.220 --> 34:39.220 This is a Brownie 85. 34:39.220 --> 34:43.220 Portland wanted to get a big snapshot of you and me together up here in the woods. 34:43.220 --> 34:46.220 Now, relax, Jimmy. Forget all about television. 34:46.220 --> 34:48.220 You're up here to do some hunting. 34:48.220 --> 34:53.220 Say, the animals are right on cue, Jimmy. 34:53.220 --> 34:55.220 See? You're just in time. 34:55.220 --> 34:56.220 You're just in time. 34:56.220 --> 34:58.220 Just in time to bag some big game. 34:58.220 --> 35:00.220 There's a ferocious animal out here, Jimmy. 35:00.220 --> 35:02.220 Here, load the gun. I'll keep my eye on it. 35:02.220 --> 35:05.220 General Hershey promised me I wouldn't be caught. 35:05.220 --> 35:06.220 Ah! 35:06.220 --> 35:07.220 I'll load the gun. 35:07.220 --> 35:09.220 Put some powder- Get the powder out of the powder, Horne. 35:09.220 --> 35:10.220 Uh-huh. 35:10.220 --> 35:13.220 Well, I might as well freshen up. 35:13.220 --> 35:16.220 No, Jimmy, the powder goes in the gun. 35:16.220 --> 35:17.220 You need a wad. 35:17.220 --> 35:20.220 Here, chew up one of those strips of cloth and make a little ball out of it. 35:20.220 --> 35:21.220 Make a ball out of it? 35:21.220 --> 35:22.220 Yes, out of the cloth. 35:22.220 --> 35:23.220 Chew it out there. 35:23.220 --> 35:24.220 All right, let's see. 35:24.220 --> 35:25.220 I'll keep my eye on it. 35:25.220 --> 35:27.220 Huh. 35:27.220 --> 35:33.220 It tastes like 40-day-old lasagna. 35:33.220 --> 35:39.220 Put the wad in there with the ramrod. 35:39.220 --> 35:43.220 Get the ramrod out and put the wad in over the powder, Jimmy. 35:43.220 --> 35:45.220 All right, put the ramrod in over the powder. 35:45.220 --> 35:50.220 I don't know how the country ever won this country from up in the British, but up the hell with it. 35:50.220 --> 35:51.220 Ha! 35:51.220 --> 35:57.220 Ha! 35:57.220 --> 35:58.220 He won't wait. He's got another appointment. 35:58.220 --> 35:59.220 He won't wait? 35:59.220 --> 36:00.220 No, Jimmy. 36:00.220 --> 36:01.220 All right. 36:01.220 --> 36:02.220 He just got behind the lawn. 36:02.220 --> 36:03.220 Come on outside, Jimmy. 36:03.220 --> 36:04.220 All right. 36:04.220 --> 36:07.220 Please bring that ramrod. 36:07.220 --> 36:14.220 Folks, this big game hunt with Jimmy Durante comes to you through the courtesy of Zeg Soapchips, Jimmy. 36:14.220 --> 36:15.220 Say, wait a minute. 36:15.220 --> 36:18.220 Why, boy, that must be a dangerous animal. 36:18.220 --> 36:19.220 Pull that log away. 36:19.220 --> 36:20.220 I've got him cornered. 36:20.220 --> 36:21.220 Get the log away. 36:21.220 --> 36:24.220 Ha! 36:24.220 --> 36:25.220 Pull the trigger. 36:25.220 --> 36:26.220 It's a buck rabbit. 36:26.220 --> 36:28.220 Tell him to stop multiplying. 36:28.220 --> 36:31.220 He's confusing me. 36:31.220 --> 36:33.220 Oh, Fred, Fred, it's no use. 36:33.220 --> 36:34.220 No? 36:34.220 --> 36:35.220 No, no. 36:35.220 --> 36:37.220 He's got little beady eyes. 36:37.220 --> 36:38.220 Must be on my side. 36:38.220 --> 36:39.220 You can't shoot him, eh? 36:39.220 --> 36:40.220 No, I can't shoot him. 36:40.220 --> 36:41.220 Well, all right. 36:41.220 --> 36:42.220 He looks like a relative, too. 36:42.220 --> 36:47.220 Say, Jimmy, as long as we're out here, how about chopping down a tree, get some wood for the fire? 36:47.220 --> 36:49.220 The exercise will do you good. 36:49.220 --> 36:50.220 Oh, all right. 36:50.220 --> 36:51.220 I don't mind. 36:51.220 --> 36:58.220 Folks, Jimmy Durante is going to chop down a tree with a genuine farmer Burke ax, so sharp it can split a hair. 36:58.220 --> 37:01.220 Men, if you are getting bald, buy a farmer Burke ax. 37:01.220 --> 37:04.220 Split your hair and have twice as many. 37:04.220 --> 37:05.220 Timber! 37:05.220 --> 37:15.220 Applause 37:15.220 --> 37:19.220 That sentence, from now on we've got to rehearse the trees. 37:19.220 --> 37:20.220 Applause 37:20.220 --> 37:21.220 Can you get a close up of that? 37:21.220 --> 37:22.220 Yeah. 37:22.220 --> 37:23.220 Wait a minute, Fred. 37:23.220 --> 37:26.220 You've been televised and me and sent me over to Kaloxico's cable. 37:26.220 --> 37:28.220 Oh, no. 37:28.220 --> 37:30.220 No, Jimmy, we haven't any cable anymore. 37:30.220 --> 37:37.220 A big crow thought the cable was a worm, and before we could stop her, she ate 40 miles of co-ops of her cable. 37:37.220 --> 37:40.220 You double-crossed me. 37:40.220 --> 37:43.220 I've never been so sponsored in all my life. 37:43.220 --> 37:48.220 Well, Jimmy, look, I was only trying to bring a little entertainment to these lonely people up here in the woods. 37:48.220 --> 37:49.220 Spread a little joy. 37:49.220 --> 37:52.220 Well, all right, why didn't you tell me I like to spread a little joy. 37:52.220 --> 37:56.220 All my life, all my life I've tried to be a good sanitarium. 37:56.220 --> 38:00.220 How about singing a song, then, Jimmy? 38:00.220 --> 38:04.220 Just some pure entertainment without any of these crass commercial announcements. 38:04.220 --> 38:05.220 All right. 38:05.220 --> 38:06.220 Put on the record. 38:06.220 --> 38:27.220 Ladies and gentlemen, on chilly nights, Jimmy Durante always keeps his head warm with a John Boxer, the red. 38:27.220 --> 38:35.220 At the beach next summer, Jimmy Durante will wear a Playboy's Mother Hover, sometimes called a far-rockaway rag doll. 38:35.220 --> 38:42.220 It's probably one of the hardest colors to tailor to fit your personal wardrobe style. 38:42.220 --> 38:46.220 Durante, the athlete plays tennis, folks. 38:46.220 --> 38:50.220 He always wears a pair of OK and K tennis shorts. 38:50.220 --> 39:05.220 Don't you try to get me, you're just going to get me. 39:05.220 --> 39:13.220 Hey, now, let me slip right on out of any trouble at all. 39:13.220 --> 39:20.220 Look ahead to next winter, folks, so keep your hands warm. 39:20.220 --> 39:22.220 We're a pair of snobby mitts. 39:22.220 --> 39:26.220 Popular by Jimmy Durante. 39:26.220 --> 39:32.220 Also one for the right hand in case you have more than one hand. 39:32.220 --> 39:37.220 Be smart like Jimmy Durante. 39:37.220 --> 39:48.220 Jimmy Durante cleans his bachelor quarters, who used a sanitary floor mop. 39:48.220 --> 39:59.220 Be smart like Jimmy Durante and give your girl a simulated silver fox necklobe by Bender and Company. 39:59.220 --> 40:01.220 It ain't hot enough. 40:01.220 --> 40:11.220 Jimmy Durante prepares a midnight snack, he always uses his custom-made frying pan by Wagner of Sydney, Ohio. 40:11.220 --> 40:18.220 If you too are fit to like Jimmy Durante, you will buy your celery and your ham from the Kempf Grocery Store. 40:18.220 --> 40:22.220 Terrible sale on sugar-cured ham. 40:22.220 --> 40:34.220 Jimmy Durante reads, ladies and gentlemen, he always wears his spectacles from Hawkins Optical Company. 40:34.220 --> 40:51.220 And for evening wear, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Durante is never without his hairpiece by Singleton of Bangor. 40:51.220 --> 41:06.220 It makes my heart sing to you. 41:06.220 --> 41:11.220 Leading television experts, cameramen, soundmen, engineers choose Motorola. 41:11.220 --> 41:17.220 Leading television stars like Ruth Hussey, Edward Arnold, and Lorraine Bay say, 41:17.220 --> 41:21.220 see me at my best, see me on a Motorola. 41:21.220 --> 41:25.220 Your eye tells why Motorola gives clearer, sharper pictures. 41:25.220 --> 41:33.220 For example, only Motorola has glare guard, the curved screen that eliminates up to 98% of all reflective glare. 41:33.220 --> 41:39.220 You'll find glare guard on the beautiful new Motorola, stunning consoles, handsome combinations, 41:39.220 --> 41:47.220 18 fashion award-winning cabinet styles like this Motorola Modern in Elsa Maxwell's smartly-styled apartment. 41:47.220 --> 41:50.220 On the other hand, you may prefer traditional furniture. 41:50.220 --> 41:56.220 You'll find no lovelier television cabinet styles than those created by Motorola. 41:56.220 --> 42:03.220 Motorola TV, the only television set to receive the Fashion Academy Award for beauty of cabinet design. 42:03.220 --> 42:10.220 After all, when decorating your home, one of your first considerations must be the style and placing of your television set. 42:10.220 --> 42:16.220 Every Motorola, four-way combination, stunning compact big-screen table model, 42:16.220 --> 42:24.220 or any one of the handsome television consoles, whichever cabinet you choose will add to the beauty of your home. 42:24.220 --> 42:32.220 One of the reasons is Motorola's extreme care in selecting only the finest mahogany or rich-grained limed oak. 42:32.220 --> 42:41.220 Another reason, the painstaking finishing process, all done by hand, that gives your Motorola that soft, rich luster. 42:41.220 --> 42:43.220 The proof is in the seeing. 42:43.220 --> 42:48.220 Your dealer will gladly give you a free home demonstration of Motorola TV. 42:48.220 --> 42:54.220 Ask them about the truly generous trade-ins for your old set or even your old radio, and the terms are easy. 42:54.220 --> 42:59.220 65 weeks to pay the balance after a small down payment. 42:59.220 --> 43:07.220 Yes, for years of outstanding performance and beauty, your eye tells why leading television stars like Lorraine Day say, 43:07.220 --> 43:11.220 See me at my best. See me on a Motorola. 43:11.220 --> 43:14.220 Motorola TV. 43:14.220 --> 43:30.220 Motorola TV. 43:44.220 --> 44:00.220 Motorola TV. 44:00.220 --> 44:09.220 Well, why take the print when you can get the negative? 44:09.220 --> 44:20.220 And now, folks, I take great pleasure in introducing Eddie Jackson, my partner of Clayton Jackson and Durante. 44:40.220 --> 44:50.220 And now, folks, I take great pleasure in introducing Eddie Jackson, my partner of Clayton Jackson and Durante. 44:50.220 --> 45:00.220 And now, folks, I take great pleasure in introducing Eddie Jackson, my partner of Clayton Jackson and Durante. 45:00.220 --> 45:11.220 Eddie, I suppose they come on here and you came on. Jimmy, I've always wanted to work in the club Durante, and I thought this was a good opportunity. But, Eddie, you're a big star. We can't afford that kind of money. 45:11.220 --> 45:16.220 Money? Among friends, you talk money? 45:16.220 --> 45:24.220 Why, I'm just rolling your money. Of course, after I get through rolling it, I brush it off and put it back in the safe. 45:24.220 --> 45:31.220 Oh, Jimmy, we can make a deal. I want you to talk to my agents, all right? Oh, agents, come on. 45:31.220 --> 45:37.220 Wait a minute. I want you to talk to my agents. We can make a deal, I'm telling you. 45:37.220 --> 45:50.220 I'm ready to talk business. 45:50.220 --> 46:01.220 Now you know how I got the Colgate contract. By the time they get through with Durante, yes, sir, his schnozzle will be larger and his bankroll will be smaller. 46:01.220 --> 46:09.220 Wait a minute. What's the matter? Wait a minute. I don't think I should talk business to these gals. But, Jimmy, you can make a deal with them. They have the power of attorney. 46:09.220 --> 46:17.220 They have the power of attorney, Jimmy. They got more power than any attorney I ever knew. 46:17.220 --> 46:24.220 All right, all right, girls. That's enough, girls. That's enough. I only want to work this show and I don't want the whole Wednesday series. 46:24.220 --> 46:30.220 Leave them alone. Leave them alone. He'll pay $3 million for the baby. Leave them alone. Leave them alone. 46:30.220 --> 46:35.220 Now you can all go, girls. Tell you what to do. Go to Washington to see if you can have my taxes reduced. 46:35.220 --> 46:39.220 And take Dagmar with you. I might get a couple of bucks back from the government. 46:39.220 --> 46:45.220 Say, listen, Eddie. Yes, Jimmy? You know, I was only kidding. I'd like to have you on the show. But what are you going to do? 46:45.220 --> 46:52.220 Jimmy, I'll make a deal with you. All I want you to do is to teach me some of your tricks, all right? All right. 47:15.220 --> 47:23.220 Jimmy, don't make me laugh. Why, you could have half, whatever you want in yours. 47:23.220 --> 47:30.220 I want to learn how you tell a joke and make an expression like an elf. 47:30.220 --> 47:38.220 Will you tell me how you had five girls in a row? That's one thing I'm trying to figure out myself. 47:38.220 --> 47:45.220 Give me that camera, man. Will you teach me how to wreck a piano? 47:45.220 --> 47:51.220 That's just me. Here's my hair. It's a trade. Say, whatever you want is yours. 47:51.220 --> 47:57.220 Eddie, get ready for your voice lesson. All right, here I go. Lift your hat high. Here. Now pose. 47:57.220 --> 48:03.220 Eddie, let it go. You've got to start off each day with a song. That's it. That's it. 48:03.220 --> 48:10.220 And when things go wrong, hooray! Why, you'll feel better. You'll even look better. Dynamite! 48:10.220 --> 48:15.220 I'm here to tell you, you're a real go-getter. The other day I walked into a restaurant. Yeah? 48:15.220 --> 48:20.220 And I ordered some pheasant on the glass. On the glass? I just got through with a glass and I'm starting on a pheasant? Yeah. 48:20.220 --> 48:25.220 When I reach a sign, watch your hat and coat. Well? I watch my hat and coat and what happens? What happens? 48:25.220 --> 48:28.220 Somebody stole the pheasant. 48:28.220 --> 48:35.220 So you know that you can't go wrong. Yeah. When you start off each day with a song. 48:35.220 --> 48:40.220 You know when you start off each day with a song. 48:43.220 --> 48:47.220 Eddie. Yes, sir. Eddie. Yes, Jimmy. 48:47.220 --> 48:49.220 Oh, you've got to live up to your bargain now. All right. 48:49.220 --> 48:53.220 You promised if I showed you some of my tricks, you'd show me some of your tricks. 48:53.220 --> 48:58.220 All right, Jimmy. I'll tell you what you do. First you take your hand and then you start clapping it. 48:58.220 --> 49:02.220 Then you jump up and take your hand with a handkerchief and you run and you take one hand. Wait a minute. 49:02.220 --> 49:07.220 And you go up to the audience. Wait a minute. What? Wait a minute. What am I, a singer or an octopus? 49:07.220 --> 49:11.220 Jimmy, go right into If You Knew Susie, all right? All right. 49:11.220 --> 49:28.220 If you knew Susie like I do. 49:28.220 --> 49:31.220 I had a mustache as cute as a pup. 49:31.220 --> 49:54.220 So she kissed me and she burned it up and got confused. If you knew Susie like I do. 49:54.220 --> 50:00.220 Ladies and gentlemen, I asked Jimmy Durante to let me come on the show tonight. 50:00.220 --> 50:04.220 Really to say to him what you would like to say. 50:04.220 --> 50:12.220 Quote, thanks, Jimmy Durante, for bringing so much laughter into our homes this year. 50:12.220 --> 50:22.220 And we pray that you'll be with us for many years to come because the world needs in this confused state the laughter that you can bring. 50:22.220 --> 50:32.220 Nice, clean, wholesome fun. So thank you, Jimmy Durante. And God bless you. Unquote. 50:42.220 --> 50:49.220 And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's my partner, Eddie Jackson of Clayton, Juraxin, Durante and Cantor. 50:49.220 --> 50:52.220 Here he comes. 51:02.220 --> 51:07.220 Eddie, do you realize what we're opening at the Shapery in Chicago Friday night? 51:07.220 --> 51:08.220 Yes, sir. 51:08.220 --> 51:12.220 We're going to be in dear old Chicago Friday night at the Shapery. 51:12.220 --> 51:15.220 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 51:15.220 --> 51:18.220 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 51:18.220 --> 51:20.220 Hit it, boys. Hit it. 51:24.220 --> 51:27.220 I've heard about that old Morne River. 51:27.220 --> 51:28.220 Sing it! 51:28.220 --> 51:30.220 Heard about those old magnolias. 51:30.220 --> 51:31.220 Sing it! 51:31.220 --> 51:35.220 Oh, and I've read about them old magnolias. 51:35.220 --> 51:38.220 One thing I want to ask of you. 51:38.220 --> 51:41.220 Say, is it true what they say about old things? 51:41.220 --> 51:45.220 They say, does that sun really shine all the time? 51:45.220 --> 51:49.220 We've packed all your spots around everybody's door. 51:49.220 --> 51:52.220 Oh, keep it hot till it can't be any more. 51:52.220 --> 51:54.220 Keep it hot. 51:56.220 --> 51:59.220 We're a dream by a great lonesome line. 51:59.220 --> 52:01.220 Jimmy, do they laugh and do they laugh? 52:01.220 --> 52:06.220 Like they say in every Dixie song, if it's true, Jimmy, that's where I belong. 52:06.220 --> 52:10.220 Say, is it true what they say about Dixie? 52:10.220 --> 52:13.220 Does the sun really shine every time? 52:13.220 --> 52:14.220 Yes! 52:14.220 --> 52:17.220 We've packed all your spots around everybody's door. 52:17.220 --> 52:21.220 Oh, keep it hot till it can't be any more. 52:28.220 --> 52:29.220 Wait a minute. 52:29.220 --> 52:30.220 I remember. 52:30.220 --> 52:33.220 I did show a piano for him once before. 52:33.220 --> 52:35.220 Oh, no! 52:35.220 --> 52:39.220 Is it true what they say about that morning? 52:39.220 --> 52:42.220 Does the sun really shine every time? 52:42.220 --> 52:43.220 Dig it! 52:43.220 --> 52:46.220 Do they laugh and love like they say in every song? 52:46.220 --> 52:50.220 If it's true, Jimmy, that's where I belong. 52:51.220 --> 52:53.220 Yeah! 53:02.220 --> 53:03.220 Hey! 53:03.220 --> 53:05.220 Hey! 53:07.220 --> 53:08.220 Hey! 53:10.220 --> 53:14.220 Hey, Jimmy, do they laugh and love like they say in every song? 53:14.220 --> 53:16.220 Is it true? 53:16.220 --> 53:18.220 I love it too! 53:18.220 --> 53:25.220 I love it too! 53:27.220 --> 53:34.220 Lullaby, time to dream. 53:34.220 --> 53:41.220 Now it's dream time for baby. 53:41.220 --> 53:50.220 Well, come along folks and listen to the tale of the bouncing babies on the pet milk trail. 53:50.220 --> 53:54.220 Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way. 53:54.220 --> 53:59.220 They're sturdy and strong and happy as can be, cause the milk they get is P-E-T. 53:59.220 --> 54:03.220 Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way. 54:03.220 --> 54:08.220 Oh, way out west where a man's a man, they mark their heifers with the pet milk brand. 54:08.220 --> 54:14.220 Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way. 54:17.220 --> 54:21.220 Every mother dreams of a happy, healthy baby. 54:21.220 --> 54:24.220 Ask your doctor about pet milk for your baby. 54:24.220 --> 54:31.220 Good night, good night, good night. 54:31.220 --> 54:37.220 It's time to say good night. 54:37.220 --> 54:43.220 Good night, good night, good night. 54:43.220 --> 54:49.220 What more is there to say but good night. 54:49.220 --> 54:55.220 What more is there to say but good night. 54:55.220 --> 55:06.220 Folks, I'm gonna be off for a couple of months, but every Wednesday night I'll be listening to Danny Thomas, Jack Carson, and Ed Wynn. 55:06.220 --> 55:11.220 I wish, folks, that you'd be watching them too. 55:11.220 --> 55:22.220 Good night, good night, good night. 55:22.220 --> 55:27.220 It's time to say good night. 55:27.220 --> 55:33.220 Good night, good night, good night. 55:33.220 --> 55:39.220 What more is there to say but good night. 55:39.220 --> 55:45.220 We've had a few laughs, and it's time for toodaloo. 55:45.220 --> 55:51.220 All ringo up we'll say, and inkadinkadoo. 55:51.220 --> 55:55.220 Folks, good night, and I wish you have a wonderful summer. 55:55.220 --> 56:00.220 And good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 56:00.220 --> 56:11.220 Good night, good night, good night. 56:30.220 --> 56:55.220 Tune in again next week at this time when the Four Star Review brings you Danny Thomas, and two weeks from tonight, Ed Wynn, the Perfect Fool, and the following week, Jack Carson will give you another hour of fun. 56:55.220 --> 57:03.220 This is Andre Beruch inviting you to be with us every week at this same time for the Four Star Review. 57:03.220 --> 57:32.220 NBC Television.