♪♪
Tonight, Jimmy Durante.
♪♪
Starring his guests, Fred Allen and Eddie Cantor.
♪♪
With Eddie Jackson, Jack Ross,
Jules Maffano, Al Norman, Milton Crone,
Bell Flower and Abe Vigoda.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
presenting the one and only Jimmy Durante in person.
♪♪
You've got to...
Folks, it's in my contract.
NBC has got to furnish me with transportation.
Puss! Puss!
I was born to be a supervisor.
Puss me over there!
Uh...
Hello? What?
No, I will not get off.
All right, you've had it.
Wait a minute. All right, all right.
All right, I'll get off.
♪♪
I'll get even with them.
I'll put... I'll put putty in my dimples
and ruin their photography.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Let me hear that band.
Hear this.
Hey, now, this'll be better.
You even look better.
I'm here to tell you that you...
♪♪
Everywhere I go, relatives.
Get it out of here!
Take it up out of there!
♪♪
You've got to start off each day with a song.
Yes, now, even...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
♪♪
Why, NBC didn't pay their bills,
so they've taken away the theater.
Let me up out of here.
Let me up out of here!
♪♪
Just as I thought.
This place has nothing but a hole in the ground.
Them stagehands, they should hang by the rope.
Let me hear it!
You've got to... You've got to start off each day
with a song.
Say, now, even when things go wrong,
now, even better.
Stop! Stop!
I've been having trouble with that band all winter.
♪♪
We had to join the musicians' union for that.
Wait a minute. I'll straighten you out.
Play with that.
Attention!
Inspection arms!
Just as I thought.
This thing hasn't been cleaned since it's been fired.
You guys don't know how to treat delicate instruments.
That'll take some of the wind out of that band.
♪♪
Now, you know that you can't go wrong.
Why, if you start off each day with a song,
you've got to start off each day with a song.
Ha-ha!
Even when things go...
Oh, folks, I've got to show you this.
This is an NBC contract.
It's one of them 30-year deals that Milton Berle got.
But I'm not signing no contract for 30 years.
That would leave me out of work at 64.
Ha-ha!
Yeah, they ain't tricking Durante.
Yeah, now you know that you can't go wrong.
Why, if you start off each day...
Oh, thanks.
Hello?
What?
A girl watching me in Kansas City wants me to kiss her.
Ha-ha!
I don't know what to do.
I kissed a girl in Davenport,
but I never kissed a girl in Kansas City.
Well, here goes.
Mwah!
How's that?
What?
How do you like that?
A dog thinks my nose is a bone,
and he's trying to bury the television set.
Ha-ha!
I'll get even with that dog if it takes me 20 years.
I know what I'll use.
Say, now, even when things go wrong,
why, you feel better.
You even look better.
You know, folks, I'm really excited tonight.
This is my last show of the season,
and they're gonna pay me off right now for the whole series.
♪
What's this?
♪
This kind of salary is gonna make a miser out of me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
From now on, it's Durante the Penny Pincher.
Hold it, Durante!
One, two, three, four, five, six!
♪
I gotta get out of this bracket.
The withholding tax is too high.
Now you know, Jack, you can't go wrong.
Why, if you don't, the day will come.
♪
Here you are.
I'm sure you'll find, Dally,
a South Sea Island paradise for your honeymoon.
Thank you. I'm sure we'll enjoy it.
Of course.
What a vacation spot.
They'll never forget it as long as they live.
Dally in the spring,
the ripple of a blue lagoon,
lovers with their hands entwined.
What happiness two people could find there.
How I wish I had someone to take on a honeymoon to Bali.
If you're willing to share expenses, I'm yours.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Totally ridiculous, the very idea, you nincompoop!
What a shame, our first quarrel.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Call it out now, what do you want?
Well, I want to go on a vacation.
I want to go someplace where I can relax.
Well, I know what you need.
A trip to the mountains, fresh air and exercise.
Up at the crack of dawn,
and then by borrow train to the top of the mountain.
Come, we go to the mountain.
Come, come, follow me.
Up, up, up, up we go, up we go, up we go.
There we are, there we are.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Now we're at the top of the mountain.
This is my last show and the writers don't care
if I break my leg.
Now look, we're at the very rim of the Grand Canyon.
Look down, look down, 2,000 feet to the riverbed.
See how beautiful it is down there.
If it's so beautiful down there,
what are you dragging me up here for?
♪
Listen, I don't like the mountains.
But they're so beautiful and mysterious.
You call out across the canyon and your voice echoes back.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'll try it.
Go ahead.
Hello!
Eek-a-dee-ka-doo!
I think this echo's a fake, but I'll find out.
Ha-ha!
Ah!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
It is an echo.
I can tell my voice anywhere.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Yeah, but still, I don't like climbing mountains.
I know what you want.
You should take a nice long sea voyage.
Come down.
There we go.
Come on, young man.
Here we go.
Oopsie-daisy.
Had a ball.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Now here we are.
Imagine yourself standing on the deck
of a beautiful luxury liner,
plowing through the beautiful waters of the Caribbean.
Hey! Cut it out! Cut it out!
What's the matter?
Or I'll get sick like I did at rehearsals.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cut it out! Cut it out!
You won't get sick, not at all.
Not with a spray of salt water in your face.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
You wasn't supposed to use real liquid.
You're ruining my TV makeup.
Oh, no.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
What are you laughing at?
When you have as little hair as I've got,
why, each hair lash is priceless.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, I suppose there's no use fighting it.
There's only one place for you.
Bali.
Come over here, young man.
Where, you're dragging me now?
Over here to Bali.
Now look at this beautiful display of Bali.
Land of utopia.
Imagine yourself in this beautiful setting.
Swinging palms, sparkling sands,
the eternal sunshine,
the peaceful waters of the Pacific,
and the exotic dances of the Balinese ladies.
This is all very nice, but what do you do for fun?
Please, sit here and relax.
Why, I'd be glad to.
Ah, it's times like this when one forgets Eddie Jackson.
Ah, this is really good living.
Please have coconut milk.
Why, I'd be tickled to death.
Well, what do you know?
I'd give a million dollars if I could find out
how those pet milk cows got into this.
Please have some fruit.
I'm in the moods for grapes.
Ah, it's no use.
By the time I get close enough to kiss her,
I'd have indigestion.
You like our island.
Well, I like it very much,
but I'm kind of lonesome for my girl.
Say, I wish I could send her a message.
That is easy.
Send message on drum.
Oh, can we do that?
Una, guna.
Haven't I thrown a piano board at you someplace before?
Haven't I?
Olga, Olga.
I'm not a politician that you see to get a line on this show.
All right, take a message.
Dear Mabel.
Period.
I'm having a wonderful time.
Wait a minute.
You give him a speaking pot and he gets drunk with power.
Let's continue.
The weather here is beautiful.
Wait a minute.
You're misspelling the words.
Erase everything.
I changed my mind.
I don't want...
Oh, wait a minute.
I want to give you a tip.
Here, spread it around.
You didn't expect that.
Jimmy, forget your girlfriend.
There are many girls here.
Come, join us in Balinese dance.
Well, you don't have to ask the randy twice.
Now some guys are at their best when they're surrounded by machinery.
And others like the work when they're in gorgeous scenery.
Guys like the great big hammock you sit around and rest in.
But it's the kind of surroundings that I look the best in.
You girls look gorgeous and that's on the square.
But your dancing puts their thoughts here and there.
Now dancing is my racket.
I dance up a storm.
I'm very close and I'm going to set the tone up.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
What's the matter with you?
That's good.
But Charleston, no good.
Here, every movement has meaning.
Only dance is Balinese.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You call that dancing?
Why, I used to do that dance years ago when I wanted to break up a cold.
Why, everybody is nuts.
And it's really got me beat.
Why, I remember years ago when you used to dance with your feet.
Now somebody said you'll wiggle my head.
I tried, but it made me a wreck.
Why, they said it was great and right up the date.
But it gives me a pain in the neck.
I dance just like a boxer and I'm in a box.
I'll do it, but I feel like heck.
Now I jump like a jack, but I fall out of whack.
It gives me a pain in the neck.
You know, they dance like someone's knocked a piece of ice down their back.
They're moving fast, they don't want to holler.
Now, knock, knock.
Now, that isn't holler, but make sure you wear a loose collar.
Hold your head low like you're saying no.
And then like a chicken, you peck.
I get headache pills, but it gives me a thrill.
Guns.
It gives me a pain in the neck.
I'm, they're closing in on me, I'm trapped.
You gal should be working in a winery crushing grapes.
Every move tells a story.
All right, let me see you translate this.
Eek-a-dee-ka-doo, there's a blue bell up in Iceland.
A-bee-dee-ki-ki-ki-ya.
Now, eek-a, eek-a, eek-a-dee, eek-a, eek-a, eek-a-dee-ka-doo-ya.
This part of the number was staged by Dr. Scholl's foot pads.
Ha ha ha!
East is east and west is west.
But we never did it like this on the east side.
Wait a minute, stop the music, stop the music!
I'm sick of this kind of dancing.
Come on, I want to do one of my own numbers.
Now follow me every step. Ready?
Hey!
You're a hero!
And now you give it to me.
And now put on your hats.
Hey!
No matter what music you play, they still do the heebie-jeebies.
Hey, hey!
Keep dancing.
Hey, now don't you give me that!
What a disgrace.
My butcher pinkies are out of step.
We've got a half of the chorus of the hot patata.
And now...
What happened to my music?
Folks, this is good exercise if your big toe is overweight.
What's going on now?
I feel as though my nose is in a vice.
If this is the dance of the noses, you're looking at the new Fred Astaire.
Say, I get headaches.
When I see me a girl...
She gives me a pain in the neck.
Get it, Tom! She gives me a pain in the neck!
Hello, hello!
Yeah, we're rearranging the furniture in 472.
That's right. Your auntie's going on vacation, the new tenant is coming in.
Oh, what are you worried about? It'll be ready in time.
Now look, we're working every minute.
Hey, fellas, where were we now?
Oh, that's it!
Oh, yeah!
How do you do? I'm the manager's secretary.
I'd like that chair moved over there, and put that table over here.
And please get rid of that picture of that palatine.
Open up these windows. This place simply reeks of cigar smoke.
What's going on here? I consider this a protrusion. This is my room.
Now don't get upset, Mr. Durante.
I have a habit of making myself at home in any of these rooms.
You come one step closer and I'll scream for the house detective.
Don't be silly. I'm the manager's secretary.
I understood you were leaving, so I'm rearranging the furniture in the suite for the new tenant.
And I'll expect you to get out immediately.
We'll see about that.
Hello? Hello, get me the house manager.
They want you guys downstairs. You take care of this.
Hello, Mr. Christenberry. This is Durante.
Say, what's the idea? I've always paid my bills properly and nice.
Have you guys got a license to drive a chair?
I'd like to have a transfer to the egg chair going to the kitchen.
Put me down. Put me down.
Shut up, Banana Beet. I'm staring away.
Riffraff.
As I was saying, Mr. Christenberry, now I've always paid my bills and I think that it's out of order.
I swore I was lying down a minute ago.
Hey, hey, let's take it over here.
No, over this way.
No, over here.
Over this way.
Over here.
For those of you who tuned in late, don't touch the horizontal knob. It's us that's moving.
Mr. Afton, you have to leave at once. The new tenant is good.
Oh, good.
Uh, won't you join me?
Pull up a couch and stand up.
Take that couch out of here immediately.
Hurry and take it.
All right, take it out.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
Good, Alan.
Wow.
Anyone for anything?
Hey, Fred, I'm glad to see you. Believe me.
Well, Jimmy, it's very nice of you to show up here to greet me, to be on hand here to greet me.
I certainly appreciate it.
Well, wait a minute. Greet you? Why, I'm not leaving here till midnight. It's my room.
You're not leaving just a minute, boy.
That's something I learned as a child at Jack Benny's knee.
Hey, listen. Listen, Fred.
I'd love to have you move in, but I haven't started packing yet.
Well, I'll help you pack, Jimmy. Don't worry about it. I'll get your things.
Wait a minute. I don't want to get out yet.
I'll have you out of here and sing.
What are these towels, Jimmy?
Asta Hotel.
Park Sheraton.
Mills Hotel.
Hey, Jimmy, what is this roller towel with a piece of wall on it here? What is this?
You know, I went to the Roxy Theater last night and they thought they had me.
Ah, Fred. Fred, you mixed all my towels up.
Oh, Jimmy.
And I worked so hard to get them in alphabetical order.
Jimmy, I'll put them right back in order as soon as I unpack my things here.
I always unpack my shirts first, Jimmy, when I get into a hotel.
Because shirts are like old generals.
They don't die, but they sure do fade away.
I, uh, I think this, uh, this room is going to be very nice for me, Jimmy.
As soon as I, uh, as soon as I can get over to, uh,
as soon as I can get over to Abercrombie & Fitches to, uh, make up a possum call at a portable campfire,
I'm going up to my, I'm going up to my place up in Maine.
I, uh, say, I wonder if I brought too many shirts.
It's, uh, it's amazing how many shirts you can get in a little valise like this.
You don't realize it until you test the, pack them.
Well, thank heavens this is the end of them here.
Say, they must be breeding down here.
Jimmy, you are not acting friendly.
I was here first and I'm squatting on my squatter's rights.
Jimmy, all my things are unpacked here.
I even have more stuff coming.
My, my hunting trophy is here.
Say, boy, bellboy, will you bring in my hunting trophy?
My hunting trophy I brought with me here.
What's that?
This is an elk I shot at the last convention.
Jimmy, I hear that you, you can't decide where to go on your vacation this summer.
How did you find that out? You must be psychic.
No, I saw the first part of the show across the street in a bar, Jimmy.
And you know, I didn't even recognize you.
I thought your nose was a pickle on the free lunch.
Say, Fred, where do you go on your vacation?
I don't know.
Say, Fred, where do you go on your vacation?
Well, I always go up to Maine, Jimmy.
Say, you've had a hard season.
Why don't you come up to Maine and spend a little time with me?
You know, you can relax up there in the Maine woods.
Why, I'd be tickle as death, and in the evenings I can noodle around the piano.
Noodle on the piano, and I can noodle along with you, Jimmy.
I'm a clarinet here.
I'll bring my clarinet up, too.
Why, I never knew you could play clarinet.
Oh, I studied two years at Juilliard, three years in Vienna, and four years glass blowing, Jimmy.
I am a master of the clarinet, but I can't seem to get any place with it.
Say, Fred, do you mind if I give you a few tips?
Well, I certainly wish you would, Jimmy.
All right, then let me tell you something.
You know, to tell you the truth, you've got to be cute when you toot.
And just like that, I'll be Maine.
That's right.
Why, there's a minion trickling in every tree.
Why, you can realize your ambition if you've got personality.
Stupendous!
Why, you could be a great musician if you've got personality.
Why, you've got a great face.
He changed the notes, what a change of pace.
Why, you can realize your ambition if you've got personality.
I see.
It's not what you play, it's the way that you play it.
Not what you say, it's the way that you say it.
Hey!
If you lay an egg, it's the way that you lay it.
Jimmy, I'm ready.
All right, let it go.
Smile, smile. Let me see you smile.
How can I smile and keep on playing the thing you're doing?
That's what's going to get you the money.
Now take a deep breath. Hold it.
Now let it go out slowly.
Great.
Hey!
Stop!
Why, save the rest of that note and we'll build another abadaba honeymoon.
Ha!
It's not easy, but I'll keep on trying.
Yes, if you've got personality.
Good.
Look at the way he holds that clarinet up.
Boy, you've got personality.
Good.
Now, look at the way he plays it.
Never lets it up.
You've got personality.
Good.
If I hit him with every trick in the books,
nobody listens, everybody looks.
You can realize your ambition if you've got personality.
Demonstration.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is a $10,000 reward for Jimmy Durante's piano teacher.
Jimmy Durante's piano teacher dead or alive.
Folks, if you see 11 fingers touching the keyboard, do not be alarmed.
The 11th finger is Mr. Durante's nose.
Why, listen, you're my prodigy. You've got to please the folks.
I can throw away my gag files, my writers, and my jokes.
Now you can realize your ambition if you've got personality.
Stop rehearsing.
Hey, if you've got personality, you've got to...
If you've got personality...
Oh, uh...
Cab driver, give me a lift.
Okay.
Where are you taking this Motorola?
Where am I taking it? I'm taking it...
Oh, uh...
Folks, you and I have been good friends all year,
but I've got to be honest with you.
This is a commercial.
I said, uh...
I said, where are you taking this Motorola?
I'm taking it with me...
I'm taking it with me on my vacation up to Maine.
Say, will you help me put it in the cab?
Okay, let's lift it.
All right, open up.
All right.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, it's too...
That's too wide, it won't fit.
It won't fit?
No.
Well, I can't shave down the Motorola.
There's only one thing to do.
Hold it.
You ruined my cab!
What are you complaining about?
You get a better trade-in value on a convertible.
All right, now help me put that Motorola in here.
Come on, right over.
Come on, come on, come on.
Be careful.
Attaboy.
Folks, pay strict attention to this...
to this scene.
This is what pays the bill.
All right, now come on, get started.
Come on.
Now be very careful around the curves.
That's it, take it easy.
Take it easy.
That's fine.
Shoo!
That Motorola looks nice.
I understand it's the only television set to receive the Fashion Academy Award for Beauty of Cavalier Design.
You just drive the cab.
You don't do no commercials.
Now let me see...
let me see how this built-in antenna works.
Gee, only two simple controls.
Just point the set arm, bring in your station, that's all there is to it.
Keep your eye on the road.
You know, folks, you may be wondering how this Motorola can work in a cab.
I suggest you talk to the Motorola people,
who at this time are wondering too.
Hey, hey, how about putting in Hop Along Cassidy?
Now Hop Along Cassidy is a kids' program.
Let's tune in Howdy Doody.
I don't care.
No matter what you look at on a Motorola,
you get a bigger, brighter, clearer TV picture automatically.
Look out for that truck!
Boy, that was a close shave.
It's a good thing it was only a sound effect.
Hey, keep your eye on the road.
I keep my eye on Motorola because your eye tells why
the very best buy is Motorola TV.
If this guy don't run out of advertising,
we'll never reach Man Alive.
Hey, buddy, get the fights on.
They look great on a Motorola with its photopoetic picture.
No, I'll get something else on.
The Four Star Review presents
Jimmy Durante in person...
Turn that off!
I can't stand him. I can't stand that man!
Shut up!
I'm not driving you another foot!
Wait a minute!
Must be the president of some other network.
Well, I'm stuck.
I'm without a cab driver.
I don't know what to do.
Hey!
Why don't you let Maxie the taxi driver...
All right, boys, line up on the table.
Hey, Sweeney, is that camera all set?
Yep, but I still don't...
It sure is cold outside.
Yeah, but I still don't know why we brought television equipment up from the station in town.
Well, I'll tell you. I'm opening my own television station up here in the main woods, you see.
Now, Jimmy Durante thinks he's coming up here to spend a vacation,
but I have sold his appearance to 20 local sponsors.
Every minute that Durante is up here, he's going to be on TV without knowing it.
Well, you better start, Mr. Allen. The channel is open.
Oh, you open the channel?
Yeah, yeah, just...
Well, always tell me when you open the channel.
It's open, all right.
All right, now, watch the birdie.
Yes, I certainly will.
Good morning, neighbors.
This is station FRED, the voice of the swamp,
operating on channels...
operating on channels 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and 13.
Folks, we haven't any license.
We have to horn in on any channel we can get.
Now, as usual, neighbors, we are starting off today's programming
by showing you our test pattern.
This is our test pattern.
I don't know how this hits you, neighbor,
but if it doesn't hit you, I don't know about your set,
but you certainly need a repairman.
Now, the first news item today, Michelle may...
Fred! Fred!
Well, here's the one and only Jimmy Durante in person.
Jimmy Durante, Jimmy Durante.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, friends.
We're good friends. You don't have to applaud.
Just stamp your feet and whistle.
Well, Jimmy, I am as happy to see you as the folks are
over there at the Boothbay Bean Company.
You know, Boothbay beans are so smooth,
you can't even feel them go down.
As a matter of fact, you can't even get them to go down.
They stick in your teeth.
There's something suspicious going on around here,
and I'm not supposed to find out.
It'll spoil the plot.
Ladies and gentlemen, this next part of the Jimmy Durante program
is brought to you by Mother Mullins Coffee,
the coffee that lets you sleep because it has 90% of the Goldbergs removed.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
If you're looking for General MacArthur, he went that-a-way.
What's the idea of this television camera?
Well, Jimmy, this isn't a television camera.
You heard of a Brownie No. 2?
Yeah.
This is a Brownie 85.
Portland wanted to get a big snapshot of you and me together up here in the woods.
Now, relax, Jimmy. Forget all about television.
You're up here to do some hunting.
Say, the animals are right on cue, Jimmy.
See? You're just in time.
You're just in time.
Just in time to bag some big game.
There's a ferocious animal out here, Jimmy.
Here, load the gun. I'll keep my eye on it.
General Hershey promised me I wouldn't be caught.
Ah!
I'll load the gun.
Put some powder- Get the powder out of the powder, Horne.
Uh-huh.
Well, I might as well freshen up.
No, Jimmy, the powder goes in the gun.
You need a wad.
Here, chew up one of those strips of cloth and make a little ball out of it.
Make a ball out of it?
Yes, out of the cloth.
Chew it out there.
All right, let's see.
I'll keep my eye on it.
Huh.
It tastes like 40-day-old lasagna.
Put the wad in there with the ramrod.
Get the ramrod out and put the wad in over the powder, Jimmy.
All right, put the ramrod in over the powder.
I don't know how the country ever won this country from up in the British, but up the hell with it.
Ha!
He won't wait. He's got another appointment.
He won't wait?
No, Jimmy.
All right.
He just got behind the lawn.
Come on outside, Jimmy.
All right.
Please bring that ramrod.
Folks, this big game hunt with Jimmy Durante comes to you through the courtesy of Zeg Soapchips, Jimmy.
Say, wait a minute.
Why, boy, that must be a dangerous animal.
Pull that log away.
I've got him cornered.
Get the log away.
Ha!
Pull the trigger.
It's a buck rabbit.
Tell him to stop multiplying.
He's confusing me.
Oh, Fred, Fred, it's no use.
No?
No, no.
He's got little beady eyes.
Must be on my side.
You can't shoot him, eh?
No, I can't shoot him.
Well, all right.
He looks like a relative, too.
Say, Jimmy, as long as we're out here, how about chopping down a tree, get some wood for the fire?
The exercise will do you good.
Oh, all right.
I don't mind.
Folks, Jimmy Durante is going to chop down a tree with a genuine farmer Burke ax, so sharp it can split a hair.
Men, if you are getting bald, buy a farmer Burke ax.
Split your hair and have twice as many.
Timber!
Applause
That sentence, from now on we've got to rehearse the trees.
Applause
Can you get a close up of that?
Yeah.
Wait a minute, Fred.
You've been televised and me and sent me over to Kaloxico's cable.
Oh, no.
No, Jimmy, we haven't any cable anymore.
A big crow thought the cable was a worm, and before we could stop her, she ate 40 miles of co-ops of her cable.
You double-crossed me.
I've never been so sponsored in all my life.
Well, Jimmy, look, I was only trying to bring a little entertainment to these lonely people up here in the woods.
Spread a little joy.
Well, all right, why didn't you tell me I like to spread a little joy.
All my life, all my life I've tried to be a good sanitarium.
How about singing a song, then, Jimmy?
Just some pure entertainment without any of these crass commercial announcements.
All right.
Put on the record.
Ladies and gentlemen, on chilly nights, Jimmy Durante always keeps his head warm with a John Boxer, the red.
At the beach next summer, Jimmy Durante will wear a Playboy's Mother Hover, sometimes called a far-rockaway rag doll.
It's probably one of the hardest colors to tailor to fit your personal wardrobe style.
Durante, the athlete plays tennis, folks.
He always wears a pair of OK and K tennis shorts.
Don't you try to get me, you're just going to get me.
Hey, now, let me slip right on out of any trouble at all.
Look ahead to next winter, folks, so keep your hands warm.
We're a pair of snobby mitts.
Popular by Jimmy Durante.
Also one for the right hand in case you have more than one hand.
Be smart like Jimmy Durante.
Jimmy Durante cleans his bachelor quarters, who used a sanitary floor mop.
Be smart like Jimmy Durante and give your girl a simulated silver fox necklobe by Bender and Company.
It ain't hot enough.
Jimmy Durante prepares a midnight snack, he always uses his custom-made frying pan by Wagner of Sydney, Ohio.
If you too are fit to like Jimmy Durante, you will buy your celery and your ham from the Kempf Grocery Store.
Terrible sale on sugar-cured ham.
Jimmy Durante reads, ladies and gentlemen, he always wears his spectacles from Hawkins Optical Company.
And for evening wear, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Durante is never without his hairpiece by Singleton of Bangor.
It makes my heart sing to you.
Leading television experts, cameramen, soundmen, engineers choose Motorola.
Leading television stars like Ruth Hussey, Edward Arnold, and Lorraine Bay say,
see me at my best, see me on a Motorola.
Your eye tells why Motorola gives clearer, sharper pictures.
For example, only Motorola has glare guard, the curved screen that eliminates up to 98% of all reflective glare.
You'll find glare guard on the beautiful new Motorola, stunning consoles, handsome combinations,
18 fashion award-winning cabinet styles like this Motorola Modern in Elsa Maxwell's smartly-styled apartment.
On the other hand, you may prefer traditional furniture.
You'll find no lovelier television cabinet styles than those created by Motorola.
Motorola TV, the only television set to receive the Fashion Academy Award for beauty of cabinet design.
After all, when decorating your home, one of your first considerations must be the style and placing of your television set.
Every Motorola, four-way combination, stunning compact big-screen table model,
or any one of the handsome television consoles, whichever cabinet you choose will add to the beauty of your home.
One of the reasons is Motorola's extreme care in selecting only the finest mahogany or rich-grained limed oak.
Another reason, the painstaking finishing process, all done by hand, that gives your Motorola that soft, rich luster.
The proof is in the seeing.
Your dealer will gladly give you a free home demonstration of Motorola TV.
Ask them about the truly generous trade-ins for your old set or even your old radio, and the terms are easy.
65 weeks to pay the balance after a small down payment.
Yes, for years of outstanding performance and beauty, your eye tells why leading television stars like Lorraine Day say,
See me at my best. See me on a Motorola.
Motorola TV.
Well, why take the print when you can get the negative?
And now, folks, I take great pleasure in introducing Eddie Jackson, my partner of Clayton Jackson and Durante.
Eddie, I suppose they come on here and you came on. Jimmy, I've always wanted to work in the club Durante, and I thought this was a good opportunity. But, Eddie, you're a big star. We can't afford that kind of money.
Money? Among friends, you talk money?
Why, I'm just rolling your money. Of course, after I get through rolling it, I brush it off and put it back in the safe.
Oh, Jimmy, we can make a deal. I want you to talk to my agents, all right? Oh, agents, come on.
Wait a minute. I want you to talk to my agents. We can make a deal, I'm telling you.
I'm ready to talk business.
Now you know how I got the Colgate contract. By the time they get through with Durante, yes, sir, his schnozzle will be larger and his bankroll will be smaller.
Wait a minute. What's the matter? Wait a minute. I don't think I should talk business to these gals. But, Jimmy, you can make a deal with them. They have the power of attorney.
They have the power of attorney, Jimmy. They got more power than any attorney I ever knew.
All right, all right, girls. That's enough, girls. That's enough. I only want to work this show and I don't want the whole Wednesday series.
Leave them alone. Leave them alone. He'll pay $3 million for the baby. Leave them alone. Leave them alone.
Now you can all go, girls. Tell you what to do. Go to Washington to see if you can have my taxes reduced.
And take Dagmar with you. I might get a couple of bucks back from the government.
Say, listen, Eddie. Yes, Jimmy? You know, I was only kidding. I'd like to have you on the show. But what are you going to do?
Jimmy, I'll make a deal with you. All I want you to do is to teach me some of your tricks, all right? All right.
Jimmy, don't make me laugh. Why, you could have half, whatever you want in yours.
I want to learn how you tell a joke and make an expression like an elf.
Will you tell me how you had five girls in a row? That's one thing I'm trying to figure out myself.
Give me that camera, man. Will you teach me how to wreck a piano?
That's just me. Here's my hair. It's a trade. Say, whatever you want is yours.
Eddie, get ready for your voice lesson. All right, here I go. Lift your hat high. Here. Now pose.
Eddie, let it go. You've got to start off each day with a song. That's it. That's it.
And when things go wrong, hooray! Why, you'll feel better. You'll even look better. Dynamite!
I'm here to tell you, you're a real go-getter. The other day I walked into a restaurant. Yeah?
And I ordered some pheasant on the glass. On the glass? I just got through with a glass and I'm starting on a pheasant? Yeah.
When I reach a sign, watch your hat and coat. Well? I watch my hat and coat and what happens? What happens?
Somebody stole the pheasant.
So you know that you can't go wrong. Yeah. When you start off each day with a song.
You know when you start off each day with a song.
Eddie. Yes, sir. Eddie. Yes, Jimmy.
Oh, you've got to live up to your bargain now. All right.
You promised if I showed you some of my tricks, you'd show me some of your tricks.
All right, Jimmy. I'll tell you what you do. First you take your hand and then you start clapping it.
Then you jump up and take your hand with a handkerchief and you run and you take one hand. Wait a minute.
And you go up to the audience. Wait a minute. What? Wait a minute. What am I, a singer or an octopus?
Jimmy, go right into If You Knew Susie, all right? All right.
If you knew Susie like I do.
I had a mustache as cute as a pup.
So she kissed me and she burned it up and got confused. If you knew Susie like I do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I asked Jimmy Durante to let me come on the show tonight.
Really to say to him what you would like to say.
Quote, thanks, Jimmy Durante, for bringing so much laughter into our homes this year.
And we pray that you'll be with us for many years to come because the world needs in this confused state the laughter that you can bring.
Nice, clean, wholesome fun. So thank you, Jimmy Durante. And God bless you. Unquote.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's my partner, Eddie Jackson of Clayton, Juraxin, Durante and Cantor.
Here he comes.
Eddie, do you realize what we're opening at the Shapery in Chicago Friday night?
Yes, sir.
We're going to be in dear old Chicago Friday night at the Shapery.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hit it, boys. Hit it.
I've heard about that old Morne River.
Sing it!
Heard about those old magnolias.
Sing it!
Oh, and I've read about them old magnolias.
One thing I want to ask of you.
Say, is it true what they say about old things?
They say, does that sun really shine all the time?
We've packed all your spots around everybody's door.
Oh, keep it hot till it can't be any more.
Keep it hot.
We're a dream by a great lonesome line.
Jimmy, do they laugh and do they laugh?
Like they say in every Dixie song, if it's true, Jimmy, that's where I belong.
Say, is it true what they say about Dixie?
Does the sun really shine every time?
Yes!
We've packed all your spots around everybody's door.
Oh, keep it hot till it can't be any more.
Wait a minute.
I remember.
I did show a piano for him once before.
Oh, no!
Is it true what they say about that morning?
Does the sun really shine every time?
Dig it!
Do they laugh and love like they say in every song?
If it's true, Jimmy, that's where I belong.
Yeah!
Hey!
Hey, Jimmy, do they laugh and love like they say in every song?
Is it true?
I love it too!
Lullaby, time to dream.
Now it's dream time for baby.
Well, come along folks and listen to the tale of the bouncing babies on the pet milk trail.
Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way.
They're sturdy and strong and happy as can be, cause the milk they get is P-E-T.
Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way.
Oh, way out west where a man's a man, they mark their heifers with the pet milk brand.
Come with Pie-Eye, Yippy, Yippy-A, Yippy-A, we're strong and sturdy fed the pet milk way.
Every mother dreams of a happy, healthy baby.
Ask your doctor about pet milk for your baby.
Good night, good night, good night.
It's time to say good night.
Good night, good night, good night.
What more is there to say but good night.
Folks, I'm gonna be off for a couple of months, but every Wednesday night I'll be listening to Danny Thomas, Jack Carson, and Ed Wynn.
I wish, folks, that you'd be watching them too.
Good night, good night, good night.
It's time to say good night.
Good night, good night, good night.
What more is there to say but good night.
We've had a few laughs, and it's time for toodaloo.
All ringo up we'll say, and inkadinkadoo.
Folks, good night, and I wish you have a wonderful summer.
And good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
Good night, good night, good night.
Tune in again next week at this time when the Four Star Review brings you Danny Thomas, and two weeks from tonight, Ed Wynn, the Perfect Fool, and the following week, Jack Carson will give you another hour of fun.
This is Andre Beruch inviting you to be with us every week at this same time for the Four Star Review.
NBC Television.