GREEK WIT.

GREEK WIT

A COLLECTION OF

SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES

TRANSLATED FROM GREEK

PROSE WRITERS

BY

F. A. PALEY M.A.

EDITOR OF MARTIAL'S EPIGRAMS ETC

FIRST SERIES

edition

LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS YORK STREET COVENT GARDEN

PN Gill

883

CHISWICK PRESS :— C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO., TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

RA. FEB 1 8 1966

NOTICE.

rT^HE reader will understand that this collection J- of Anecdotes is made according to no order, and with no classification in respect of subject or date. They are taken just as they were noted down in the course of reading. It is to be observed also, that in no instance is a literal translation given. It has been thought advisable in many cases even to abbreviate, that the point of each may be conveyed in as few words as possible. For the purpose intended — to amuse, perhaps to instruct — nothing would have been gained by any affecta- tion of minute accuracy, or by any method or system of arrangement.

It is believed that most of these " Sayings " are not commonly known, nearly all of them being taken from writers little read in the schools. The series might be extended almost indefinitely. Should this little work meet with any success. Part II. will follow at no long interval.

6 NOTICE.

Few English words are more difficult to define than Wit. In its origin meaning merely shrewd- ness and intelligence, it has no connection, except incidentally, with joke and fun. We laugh at the latter, we admire the former. True wit is more often allied to satire, and the objects of witticisms, we know, are but too apt to be offended. Wit may be simply didactic, and (as in most of the anecdotes in this little book) convey great truths in terse or homely sayings, or in friendly banter- ings ; but its natural bent is mostly displayed in cutting remarks. Hence we are wont to call wit "incisive," and to talk of its point, its edge, its keenness, &c. The greatest wits of antiquity were the poets Aristophanes and Martial. Alas ! that their morality was not equal to their genius, or rather, that their genius should have been perverted to the making light of immorality ! Among our national celebrities, Dean Swift, Sheridan, and Sydney Smith stand unrivalled. Wit is a peculiar phase of cleverness, possessed by few, but one that is greatly appreciated by all who are not them- selves dunces.

LONDON, September, 1880.

GREEK WIT.

ONE day, when snow was falling, the King of the Scythians asked a man, who was braving it unclad, whether he felt cold ? The man asked in return, whether his majesty felt cold in his face? " Certainly not," said the king. " Then," replied the man, "neither do I feel the cold, for I am all face" AELIAN, Var. Hist. vii. 6.

2.

Xantippe, the wife of Socrates, being reluctant to put on her husband's mantle to go and see a procession, was thus rebuked by him : " What you are going for is not to see, but to be seen."

Ibid. 10. 3-

A vain old envoy from Keos came to Sparta with his hair dyed, being ashamed to appear aged. Introduced to the assembly, he delivered his mes- sage. Upon which Archidamus, the Spartan king,

2 GREEK WIT.

rose and said, ' ' How can there be anything sound in the words of a man who goes about with a lie on his head as well as in his heart ? "

AELIAN, Var. Hist. vii. 20.

4-

The elder Dionysius, in reproaching his son and heir for some act of debauchery, asked, if he ever knew him, the father, do the like? "You," replied the youth, "had not a father who was a king." "And you," rejoined the other, "will never have a son a king, if you don't leave oft" acting thus."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Apoph. Dion. Sen. 3.

5-

The same Dionysius, imposing taxes on the people of Syracuse, and observing that they had recourse to tears and entreaties, and protestations that they had no money, made the assessment twice and even thrice. But when he heard that they publicly laughed and jeered at him, he said, "Stop! They have no money now; they are beginning to despise me. " Ibid. 5.

GREEK WIT. 3

6.

A certain stranger came to tell Dionysius that he could instruct him privately how he might be forewarned of conspiracies against him. When introduced, he said, ' ' Give me two hundred pounds, that you may appear to have had infor- mation of the secret signs." Dionysius at once gave the amount asked, that the people might suppose he had been told something important ; and he thought the device a clever one.

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Apoph. Dion. Sen. 8.

7-

A talkative man was trimming the beard of King Archelaus, and asked, " How shall I cut it ? " " In silence," replied the king. Ibid. Arch. 2.

Some one having thrown water over Archelaus, his friends tried to exasperate him against the man. " It was not I," said the king, "whom he threw water at, but the person he supposed I was."

Ibid. Arch. 5. 9- When many great successes in a single day were

4 GREEK WIT.

reported to Philip of Macedon, he exclaimed, " O Fortune, do me some little harm as a set-off to so much good ! " PLUTARCH, ut sup. Phil. 3.

10.

Philip, in passing sentence on two rogues, ordered one of them to leave Macedonia with all speed, and the other to try and catch him.

Ibid. 12. II.

When about to encamp on a beautiful spot, and being told there was no fodder for the cattle, Philip exclaimed, " What a life is ours, if we are bound to live for the convenience of asses ! "

Ibid. 13.

12.

Being desirous to occupy a strong position, which the scouts reported to be almost impreg- nable, he asked, ' ' Is there not even a pathway to it wide enough for an ass laden with gold ? "

Ibid. 14. 13-

Some Olynthians complaining that Philip's courtiers were denouncing them as traitors, he remarked, "they were rude and illiterate for call- ing a spade a spade." Ibid. 15.

GREEK WIT. 5

14-

Philip, essaying at a dinner to correct and criticize a musician's performance, was thus ad- dressed by him: — " Sir, may you never have such bad luck as to understand these matters better than I." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Phil 29.

Alexander the Great being asked just before a battle if he had any further commands, replied, " Shave the beards of the Macedonian soldiers. There is nothing like a beard to get hold of in a fight." Ibid. Alex. 10.

1 6.

Antagoras the poet was cooking a conger-eel and holding the pan himself, when Antigonus came behind him and aSked, "Do you suppose Homer, when he was writing Agamemnon's deeds, cooked a conger?" "Sir," replied the other, "do you suppose Agamemnon, the doer of such deeds, troubled himself to inquire whether any of his men cooked congers in camp ? "

Ibid. Antig. 17, a#</ATHEN. viii. p. 340. F.

6 GREEK WIT.

17-

Themistocles, being asked whether he had rather be Homer or Achilles, replied, " Would you rather be a conqueror at the Olympian games, or the crier who proclaims the victors ? "

PLUTARCH, ut sup. Themist. 2 .

18.

A man of Seriphus once remarked to Themis- tocles, that his greatness was due to his city rather than to himself. "Well," replied Themistocles, ' ' perhaps I should not have been famous as a Seri- phian, — nor would you as an Athenian." Ibid. 7.

19-

Themistocles said that his son, who knew how to wheedle his mother, was the most powerful man in all Greece. " For," says he, "the Athenians rule the Hellenes, I rule the Athenians, your mother rules me, and you rule your mother ! " Ibid, 10.

20.

An illiterate man came to Aristides, and asked him to write on the billet for his banishment the name ' ' Aristides. " " Do you know him ? " asked

GREEK WIT. 7

the minister. "No, I don't; but I hate to hear him always called the Just." Aristides made no reply, but wrote his own name as he was re- quested. PLUTARCH, ut sup. Arist. 2.

21.

Aristides, being sent out on an embassy with Themistocles, with whom he was not friendly, asked him whether they should give up their enmity at the border of Attica ? " For on return- ing we can, if we please," said he, "take it up again." Ibid. 3.

22.

Alcibiades, having bought a remarkably hand- some dog for a large sum, cut off its tail. ' ' This I do," said he, "that the Athenians may talk about it, and not concern themselves with any other acts of mine." Ibid. Ale. 2.

23-

Being told that Pericles was engaged in consi- dering how he should give in his accounts to the Athenians, Alcibiades remarked, "Would it not be wiser to consider how he should not give his accounts?" Ibid. 4.

8 GREEK WIT.

24.

Lamachus was blaming one of his officers for a mistake he had committed. "I will not do it again," says he. "No," replied Lamachus, "mistakes cannot be made twice in war."

PLUTARCH, ut sup. Lam.

25-

Iphicrates, fortifying a camp with a mound and a palisade, though in a friendly country, was asked, "What have we to fear?" "The worst words a general can utter, " he replied, are, ' ' / never should have thoiight it ! " Ib. Iph. 2.

26.

Phocion, rinding that all the Athenians expressed their approval of a measure he was proposing, re- marked to a friend, " Surely I have not said some- thing bad by mistake ! " Ib. Phoc. 4.

27.

Demosthenes, the orator, having said, "the Athenians will put you to death, if they lose their wits," some one replied, "And you, if they retain them." Ib. 6.

GREEK WIT. g

28.

The wife of Pelopidas entreated him, when going forth to a battle, to take care of himself. "The advice," he replied, "which should be given to a ruler and a commander is, to take care of the citizens." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Pelop. 2.

29.

On one of his soldiers remarking, "We have fallen in with the enemy," " Rather," said Pelo- pidas, "the enemy has fallen in with us."

Ibid. 3. 30.

Agesilaus being seen by a friend playing at horses with his children by riding on a stick, said to him, ' ' Tell nobody, till you are a father your- self." Ibid. Apoph. Lac., Ages. 70.

Two persons requested Archidamus to act as arbitrator in a quarrel. "Will you swear to abide by my decision?" he asked. On their assent under oath, he replied, "Then I adjudge that you shall not leave this temple till you have made friends." Ibid. Arch. (Zeux.fil.)6.

io GREEK WIT.

32.

The same Archidamus, on receiving a harsh

letter from Philip after the battle of Chaeronea,

said, "If you will measure your shadow, you will

not find it has become longer since your victory. "

PLUTARCH, ut siip. Arch. (Ages, fil.} i.

33-

A Spartan ephor cut two of the strings of a harp, saying to the performer, " Don't murder music." Ibid. Emerep. I.

34*

Demaratus, on hearing a player on the harp, remarked, ' ' He doesn't twiddle badly. "

Ibid. Dem. 3.

35-

Demaratus, being asked at a meeting whether he was silent through folly or because he had no- thing to say, replied, "A fool could not be silent."

Ibid. 4.

36.

Eudamidas, hearing an old philosopher lecture, and being told he was seeking after virtue, asked,

GREEK WIT. ii

" And when will he use it, if he is only now look- ing for it ?" PLUTARCH, ut sup. Eudam. 2.

37-

Callicratidas, on declining a dishonourable bribe, was pressed by Cleander, ' ' I would have taken it if I had been you." "And so should I have taken it," he rejoined, " if I had been you." Ibid. Collier, i.

38.

Cleomenes, on being offered some fighting-cocks, recommended to him as "fighting to the death," said, "Give me rather the cocks that will kill them : they are the better birds."

Ibid. Cleom. I.

39-

Leotychidas, the son of Aristo, was told that certain people were speaking ill of him. " I am not surprised," said he : "not one of them knows how to speak well." Ibid. Leot. I.

40.

A snake having twined itself round a key, which was declared by the seers to be a portent, Leoty-

i2 GREEK WIT.

chidas remarked, ' ' It would have been more of a portent if the key had twined itself round a snake." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Leot. 2.

41.

Philippus, a man in great poverty, professed to initiate persons in the Orphic mysteries, telling them they would be the happier for it after death. "Why, then," said Leotychidas to him, "don't you die yourself at once, you old fool, that you may no longer have poverty and misery to be- wail?" Ibid. Leot. T>.

42.

When some one said to Leonidas, "The enemy are near us," he rejoined, "And we are near the enemy." Ibid. Leon. 7.

43-

A Spartan was asked why he wore such a long beard. He replied, "That when I see the white hairs in it, I may do nothing unworthy of them." Ibid. Diaph. Apoph. 3. *

44- A Spartan, being told that the guests at a certain

GREEK WIT. 13

banquet were compelled to drink, asked, " Are they obliged to eat too ? "

PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 5.

45-

Pindar having called Athens "the support of Hellas," a Spartan remarked that Hellas would have a fall if ever it danced on such a support as that ! Ibid. 6.

46.

Some one seeing a picture of Laconians being killed by Athenians, observed, "Brave fellows, these Athenians." " On canvas," interposed a Laconian. Ibid. 7.

47-

Some one plucked the feathers from a nightin- gale, and rinding it a very small bird, exclaimed, "You little wretch, you're nothing but voice!"

Ibid. 13. 48.

A man at Sparta said to a Laconian, " You cannot stand as long as I on one leg." "No," replied the other, "but any goose can" Ibid. 16.

49- A Laconian painted on his shield a fly not larger

14 GREEK WIT.

than the life. When his friends taunted him with doing this to escape observation, he replied, "I do it to be seen, for I come so close up to the enemy that they can plainly see it, small as it is." PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 38.

50.

Some persons meeting on the road a party of Laconians said to them, "You are in luck, for banditti have just left the place." "The luck is rather theirs, in not meeting with us," was the reply. Ibid. 33.

Si-

Some one seeing the respect paid to elders at Sparta, remarked, " This is the only place where it pays one to grow old." Ibid. 57.

52.

A Confessor at the Mysteries asked a Laconian what most grievous sin he was conscious of? He replied, "The gods know." Being pressed, he inquired, " Must I tell you, or the god?" " The god," was the reply. "Then," said he, " do you retire." Ibid. 65.

GREEK WIT. 15

53-

A man passing a grave at night saw a ghost. Rushing at it with his lance, he exclaimed, ' ' You think to escape me, but look out for a second death ! " PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 66.

54-

A Laconian, having met with a defeat in a wrestling-match at Olympia, was told that the ad- versary had proved himself a better man. "Not a better man," said he ; "only a better thrower."

Ibid. 69. 55-

Another Laconian was just going to stab his enemy when a recall was sounded. Being asked why he did not slay his foe when he was in his power, he answered, " Because it is better to obey than to kill." Ibid. 65.

56.

Apicius, a celebrated glutton, was very fond of prawns, and used to spend large sums on them at Minturnse in Campania. Hearing they were still larger in Libya, he sailed thither without a day's delay, and had a very rough passage. The natives, apprised of his arrival, brought their finest prawns to the ship, " Have you none larger than these?"

16 GREEK WIT.

he asked, on seeing them. "None," they replied. ' ' Then sail back to Minturnae this instant, " said he to the captain, "and don't touch at land." ATHENAEUS, i. p. 7. B.

57-

Philoxenus, the poet, was dining with Dionysius. Observing a large mullet placed before the host, and a small one before himself, he took his fish in his hands and applied it to his ear. " What are you doing?" asks Dionysius. "lam writing a poem on Galatea, and I was just asking some in- formation about Nereus. But my fish tells me it was caught too young, and never went in Nereus's train. Yours, it says, is older, and knows all that I wish to learn." Dionysius laughed, and sent the

poet his big fish. Ibid. p. 6. E.

58.

An Epicurean was present at a banquet in which a fine eel was served up. " Here," says he, " we have the Helen of the feast ! I will be Paris, and carry her off." And he stripped the whole side to the backbone. ATHEN. vii. p. 298. D.

59- Dorion, a flute-player, hearing some one at

GREEK WIT. 17

dinner praise the under-cut of a tunny-fish, ob- served, ' ' Very true : but you should eat it as I do. " ' ' How is that ? " ' ' Why, you must like it. " ATHEN. viii. p. 337. D.

60.

The same Dorion, dining with one Nicooreon in Cyprus, admired a goblet. " If you like," says the host, "the artist shall make you just such another." "Let him make it for you," was the reply, "and you shall make this one a present to

me." Ibid.

61.

The same Dorion was punishing a slave for not having bought fish. " Don't you know even their

names ?" he asked. "Salmon, turbot, mullet "

"Do stop," said he; "those are the names of angels, not offish." Ibid. p. 338. A.

62.

The same artist had a club-foot, and missed the dress-shoe of the lame foot at a banquet. " My worst wish to the thief," he exclaimed, " is, that the shoe may Jit him^ Ibid.

63-

A stole a fish in joke, and gave it to B. Being C

18 GREEK WIT.

charged with the theft, A says, "I swear that I have not got it, and I know no one else who took it." B says, " I swear I did not take it, and I know no one else who has it."

ATHEN. viii. p. 338. C.

64.

Aristippus was blamed by Plato for having bought so many fish. ' ' I only gave twopence for them," said he. "Why," says Plato, "/could have bought them for that." " Do you see," re- torts the other, "If my fault is to be too fond of fish, yours is to be too fond of money. " Ibid.

65.

Theocritus, of Chios, said to one Diocles, a fish- glutton, who had lost his wife and was cramming in fish at her funeral feast, while at the same time he shed tears : " Weep not ; you can do no good by — fish-eating ! " Ibid. p. 344. B.

66.

Demylus, seeing a nice dish of fish at a banquet, and wishing to have it all to himself, spat into it. Ibid. p. 345. C.

GREEK WIT. 19

67.

One Stratonicus, a music-master, had only two pupils, but one statue of Apollo, and nine of the ' Muses. Being asked, how many pupils he had, he replied, " Twelve— including the gods." »

ATHEN. viii. p. 348. D. 68.

The same Stratonicus, on giving a performance at Rhodes, and failing to get any applause, left the theatre with the remark, " If you won't do that which costs you nothing, how can I expect to get any money from you ? " Ibid. p. 350. B.

69.

The same remarked of one Satyrus, a sophist, that ' ' he was surprised his mother could have borne for ten months one whom no city could bear

for ten days. " Ibid.

70.

The same, meeting an acquaintance whose shoes were particularly well blacked, condoled with him on his fallen fortunes. "For," said he, "none but yourself could have cleaned those shoes so well !" Ibid. p. 351. A.

1 The joke is better in the Greek, for <r\iv roTj fl»o?f has also the meaning " thanks to the gods."

20 GREEK WIT.

71-

The same, on seeing many dedicatory tablets at a shrine near a badly-served cold bath, ex- claimed, "Every bather here leaves a token of thankfulness for his life." ATHEN. viii. p. 351. A.

72.

The same, hearing some one sing, asked, "Who wrote the verses?" "The poet Crab." "I thought," he rejoined, "it was a crab rather than a man." Ibid. p. 351. F.

73-

The same, coming to a well in a town with pale- faced inhabitants, asked if the water was drink- able? "We drink it," said the water-drawers. " Then," replied he, " it is not drinkable."

Ibid. p. 352. 74-

One Pampelus, being asked his opinion of the Boeotians, who were gluttons, replied, " Their con- versation is just what that of pots would be if they had a voice, namely, how much each holds." Ibid. ix. p. 418. A.

75- Pyrrho, of Elis, when one of his friends had

GREEK WIT. 21

given him an expensive entertainment, exclaimed, " I shall not come to your house again, if you treat me so. It pains me to see you incurring so much expense unnecessarily ; why, you have hardly room at table from the number of dishes ! Entertain us with mutual conversation rather than with a great variety of viands, most of which go into the stomachs of the waiters." ATHEN. ix. p. 419. D.

76.

Plato, living in the Academy at Athens, which the physicians considered unhealthy, was advised to remove to the Lyceum. "I would not have removed even to the top of Mount Athos," he replied, "for the sake of a longer life."

AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 10.

77-

It was a saying of Themistocles, " If some one were to show me two roads, the one leading to the devil, the other to parliament, I would choose the former." Ibid. 18.

78.

Aristippus the philosopher showed much anxiety in a storm at sea. " What! you afraid, like the

22 GREEK WIT.

rest ? " asked one of his fellow-passengers. " Yes," replied he, " the risk is common to both — to you of losing a wretched, to me of losing a happy life. " AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 20.

79-

Aristotle, being unwell, was treated by his phy- sician. On some prescription that was given him he remarked, ' ' Don't treat me as you would a country bumpkin. Give me a reason for your treatment, and I will comply." Ibid. 23.

80.

A certain Sybarite had arrived at such a pitch of luxurious affectation that he would not sleep even on a bed of rose-leaves. They blistered him, he complained. Ibid. 24.

81.

King Antigonus had a great regard for Zeno of Citium. One day, he paid the philosopher a visit when a little intoxicated. "My dear Zeno," he said, " I swear I will do anything you bid me ! " " Then go and take an emetic," was the reply.

Ibid. 26.

GREEK WIT. 23

82.

A Spartan was praising a saying of Hesiod's, " Not even an ox would be lost if one had not a bad neighbour," in the hearing of Diogenes, who cynically replied, "But the Messenians are lost, and their oxen too; and j0 ware their neighbours. " AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 28.

83-

Some one remarked to Socrates, " It is a great thing to get what one desires. " " It is a still greater thing," he replied, "to have no desires."

Ibid. 29. 84.

A young man of Eretria had been a pupil of Zeno's for some time. On his return home, his father asked him how much philosophy he had learnt? " I will show you some day," he replied. At this answer his father boxed his ears, and the youth bore it patiently. " That is what I have learnt," he said ; " to bear a father's anger."

Ibid. 33. 85.

Diogenes went to Olympia, and seeing certain young gentlemen from Rhodes splendidly clad, he said, "Affectation ! " Soon after, seeing some Lace

*4 GREEK WIT.

demonians in shabby and dirty attire, he exclaimed, "Affectation again !" AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 34.

86.

Anaxarchus used to laugh at Alexander the Great for calling himself a god. One day he was ill, and the physician ordered him a pudding. "All hopes of our god," said Anaxarchus, "lie in this pudding ! " Ibid. 37.

87.

Plato, observing that the people of Agrigentum had costly houses and gave costly banquets, re- marked that they built as if they were to live for ever, and dined as if they would be dead for ever.

Ibid. xii. 2Q. 88.

Apelles the painter, seeing a picture by another which had been many years in hand, exclaimed, " A great work ! A great artist ! It would be very famous — if there were but beauty in it ! "

Ibid. 41. 89.

Hippomachus, a teacher of the flute, struck a pupil with his stick. " You fool," said he, " you must have played a false note, or this audience would never have praised you." Ibid. xiv. 8.

GREEK WIT. 25

90.

The Athenians elected Demades for their general, to the rejection of Phocion. Demades, full of con- ceit, asks Phocion to lend him " that dirty old coat he wears in service." " Yoitll never want anything dirty, while you are what you are," was the reply. AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 10.

91.

The poet Agathon made great use of antithetical sentences. To some one who proposed to omit them, he replied, " You little know that you are taking Agathon from Agathon." Ibid. 13.

92.

Pauson the painter was commissioned to paint a horse in the act of rolling, but he painted it at full trot. On the objection being made, Pauson replied, ' ' Turn the picture upside down, and any horse rolling will be a horse trotting." Ibid. 15.

93-

The people of Chios were engaged in a political quarrel. The victorious party proposed to eject all their opponents, but a sagacious citizen said,

26 GREEK WIT.

" Leave some of them at least, for in the course of time, if we have no enemies to fight, we shall begin to fight with ourselves."

AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 25.

94.

Antagoras the poet was violently abusing Arcesilaus of the Academy, in the public square. The latter walked about quietly, conversing with his friends, taking care to go where the crowd was thickest, that more might be disgusted at the fellow's insolence. Ibid. 26.

95-

The Persian king sent Antalcidas a chaplet of roses dipped in a costly perfume. "I am much obliged to you for your kindness," was the reply, " but you have quite spoilt the smell of the roses."

Ibid. 39. 96.

Ptolemy (Philadelphus) was very fond of playing at dice. One day, while so engaged, a minister came and read out the names of certain persons condemned, in order to obtain his signature. Berenice, his wife, would not allow the list to be read through. "The fall of a man," said she.

GREEK WIT. 27

"is something very different from the fall of the dice, and is too serious to be discussed at play." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 43.

97-

A bon-vivant of Sybaris came to Sparta, and was invited to the frugal public meal. " I used," said he, "greatly to admire the courage of the Spartans, but now I do not think they surpass others in that respect. The greatest coward would prefer death to such a life as this! " ATHEN. xii. p. 518. E.

98.

The people of Cardia were invaded by the Thracian Bisaltse, and conquered by an ingenious device of their general Onaris. He had become aware that the Cardians taught their horses to dance to music at banquets, standing on their hind legs and making movements with their fore feet. He therefore hired a flute-player from Cardia, who taught the whole regiment of Bisaltse the proper tunes. So, when the fight was just com- mencing, the pipers struck up the air, and all the Cardian horses rose on their hind legs and began to dance ! Ibid. p. 520. F.

*8 GREEK WIT.

99-

Cotys, King of Thrace, pretended that he was married to the goddess Athena, and prepared a fine chamber for her. When tipsy, he sent one of his guards to see if the goddess was awaiting him there. On replying, "No," he shot him dead. This occurred a second time ; a third messenger, more sagacious, brought word that the goddess had been expecting his majesty for a long time. ATHEN. xii. p. 531. F.

TOO.

Some one told Diogenes that he had no sense. "I have sense," he replied, "but perhaps my sense is different from yours."

STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 62.

101.

The same Diogenes, on being sold as a slave at Corinth, was asked by the auctioneer what he could do. "Rule men," he replied. "Do you suppose," asked the other, "that people want to buy masters ? " Ibid. 63.

102.

Crates compared stupid men to a drill. " Unless

GREEK WIT. 29

you use a strap and apply some force, " he said, "they will not do the work required of them." STOB^EUS, Flor. iv. 52.

103.

Demades compared the Athenians to a clarionet. " Take out their tongues," said he, "and they are

nothing." Ibid. 69.

104.

A schoolmaster was reading badly, when Theo- critus asked him why he did not teach geometry. "Because," he replied, "I don't understand it." "Then why do you teach reading V was the rejoinder. Ibid. 70.

105.

Socrates, seeing a wealthy but ill-taught young man, exclaimed, " Look at that golden slave ! "

Ibid. 85. 106.

Stilpo was asked, "What is colder than a statue?" "A man of no feeling," said he. Ibid. 89.

107.

Socrates used to say, that as it is the attribute of God to want nothing, so to want as little as possible comes the nearest to God. Ibid. v. 35.

30 GREEK WIT.

1 08.

Epaminondas, knowing that some ambassadors had come to bribe him, gave them a very bad breakfast, and said on parting, " Go and tell your master the sort of breakfast that satisfies me, and he will understand that / am not the man to become a traitor." STOB^EUS, Flor. v. 48.

109.

Diogenes used to say, that many persons make beasts of themselves in order to destroy their lives, and yet desire to be embalmed in order to preserve

their dead bodies. Ibid. vi. 3.

no.

Alexander threatened to hang Anaxarchus the philosopher. "I care not," said he, "whether I rot above the earth or below it. " Ibid. vii. 30.

in.

Diogenes the cynic, observing a person pretend- ing to be in love with a rich old woman, said, " He has not got his eye on her, but his tooth."

Ibid. ix. 61.

112.

Philoxenus was sent to the stone-quarries by Dionysius for contempt of his verses. Being re-

GREEK WIT. 31

called, he was invited again to hear them. After listening patiently for a time, he got up to go. "Whither now?" asked Dionysius. "To the quarries," says he. STOB^US, Flor. xiii. 16.

"3-

Diogenes, when blamed by an inhabitant of Attica for praising the Lacedemonians, was asked why he did not rather take up his abode there. "A physician," he replied, " studies other people's health, but does not reside among the healthy."

Ibid. 25. 114.

Bion, when some one at a dinner put on his plate the whole upper side of a fish as soon as it was laid on the table, turned it and took the other half, at the same time quoting a verse from the Bacchae of Euripides,

"And Ino did the same to th' other side."

ATHEN. v. p. 186. D.

"5-

Eucrates, dining at a house which seemed in- secure and likely to fall, remarked, " Here one

3? GREEK WIT.

ought to dine in the attitude of the Caryatides, holding up one's left hand as a prop. "

ATHEN. vi. p. 241. D.

116.

A parasite, having come uninvited to a marriage- feast, was told to retire, as there was no room for a supernumerary. " Count again," said he, "be- ginning this time with me." Ibid. p. 245. A.

117.

King Ptolemy, at a dinner, had a way of leaving nothing on dishes that were handed round. See- ing this, a guest asked, " Am I tipsy, sir, or is it a fancy that these things are going roimd ? "

Ibid. p. 245. F. 118.

A host had placed on his tables loaves of brown

bread. "These are not loaves," says one, "but

ghosts of loaves. " " Don't put too many of those,"

exclaims another, " or the room will be darkened."

Ibid. p. 246. A.

119.

King Lysimachus, who was somewhat stingy, once put a wooden scorpion into the dress of a

GREEK WIT. 33

parasite, for the purpose of frightening him. " I will frighten you, sir," he said; "give me — two hundred pounds ! " ATHEN. vi. p. 246. E.

120.

Philip once gave a parasite a horse that had been badly wounded. The man sold him, and on being asked some time afterwards by Philip, " Where's your horse ? " he replied, " He is sold of his wound." Ibid. p. 248. E.

121.

Alexander the Great was bitten by the flies, and was trying to drive them away, when a court-flat- terer remarked, " These flies, sir, will be far supe- rior to the rest, having had a taste of your blood ! " Ibid. p. 249. E.

122.

Cheirisophus, a flatterer in the court of Diony- sius, saw his patron laughing heartily with his friends, though he himself was too far off to hear what was being said. "Why do you laugh?" asked Dionysius. " I trust you" he replied, " for the joke being a good one ! " Ibid.

123.

A flatterer, seeing Alexander looking very un-

D

34 GREEK WIT.

comfortable after some physic he had taken, asked, " What must we poor mortals do, when you gods suffer such twinges?" " Gods, indeed ! " ex- claimed the king, "say rather, those under the anger of the gods." ATHEN. vi. p. 251. C.

124.

Democritus, seeing officers taking a thief to prison, cried out to him, " My poor man ! why did you not steal much instead of only a little? Then it would have been for you to take others to prison." STOB^LUS, Flor. xiii. 30.

125.

A thief excused himself to Demosthenes by say- ing, " I did not know it was yours." " But you did know," said the other, "that it was not yours." Ibid. 32.

126.

Dionysius the tyrant, to put a slight upon Plato, gave him the lowest seat at his table. "I dare say," he observed, " when Plato goes back to Athens he will have plenty to say against us." "Sir," says Plato, " I hope I may never be so at

GREEK WIT. 35

a loss for subjects of conversation, as to have to talk about you." STOB^US, Flor. xiii. 36.

127.

Crates, seeing a wealthy young man attended by a crowd of flatterers, exclaimed, " Poor youth, I pity your want of friends ! " Ibid. xiv. 20.

128.

Diogenes asked a spendthrift to give him five pounds. "Why so much," he inquires, "when you ask others for sixpence only ?" "Because," was the reply, " I hope to get something out of them again, which is more than I can hope from you." Ibid. xv. 9.

129.

Democrates in his old age being out of breath in ascending to the Acropolis, observed, " 'Tis the same with all the citizens — plenty of puffing, but very little of strength." Ibid. xx. 43.

130.

Socrates used to say, that if any crier made proclamation in the theatre, " Stand up, cob- blers ! " " Stand up, weavers ! " &c., only those

36 GREEK WIT.

named would do so ; but if "Stand up, men of sense ! " M-ere the order, not one would remain sitting. The most damaging mistake in life, he added, is this, that the majority are fools, and yet believe themselves to be wise.

STOB^US, Flor. xxiii. 8.

Lampis the shipowner was asked, how he ac- quired his great fortune. ' ' My great fortune, easily, " he replied ; " my small one, by dint of exertion."

Ibid. xxix. 87. 132.

^schylus, witnessing a boxing-match at the Isthmian games, when the people cried out at a hit, exclaimed, "See what practice does! The man who has made the hit is silent, while the spectators shout. " Ibid. 89.

133-

Cephisodorus once remarked, that no man ever squandered a fortune made by himself ; it was that inherited from another that was wasted.

Ibid. 98.

134. Simonides used to say, "He never once re-

GREEK WIT. 37

gretted having held his tongue, but very often he had felt sorry for having spoken. "

STOB^EUS, Flor. xxxiii. 12.

135-

Zeno said to a youth who was more disposed to talk than to listen, ' ' Young man, nature gave us one tongue but two ears, that we may hear just twice as much as we speak." Ibid, xxxvi. 19.

136.

Bion the sophist, seeing an envious man looking very downcast, remarked, "Either some great harm has happened to him, or some great luck to his neighbour." Ibid, xxxvii. 50.

137-

A man of Seriphus, being taunted by an Athe- nian with the obscurity of his birthplace, retorted, ' ' If my country is a discredit to me, you are a dis- credit to your country." Ibid, xxxix. 29.

Solon, on being asked how wrong-doing can be avoided in a State, replied, " If those who are not wronged feel the same indignation at it as those who are." Ibid, xliii. 77.

3 8 GREEK IV 'IT.

139.

Socrates used to say, the best form of govern- ment was that in which the people obey the rulers, and the rulers obey the laws.

STOB^US, Flor. xliii. 89.

140.

Antisthenes the philosopher declared the com- mon hangman was more god-fearing than a tyrant, for if the one puts to death malefactors, the other kills the innocent. Ibid, xlix. 47.

141.

The same, hearing one say, " This war will be death to the poor," observed, " Rather, it will be the creating of many poor." Ibid. li. 1 1.

142.

Aratus of Sicyon, hearing a rash youth praised for his bravery in war, said, " It is one thing to prize courage, another thing to disprize life."

Ibid. liv. 15. 143-

Agesilaus was asked why the Laconians wore their hair long. He replied, "Because of all personal ornaments this costs the least."

Ibid. Ixv. 10.

GREEK WIT. 39

144.

Aristippus was being blamed by his wife for dis- liking his own son, " who," she said, " is part of yourself." Spitting on the ground, he said, " That too is part of myself, but it is of no use to me ! " STOB^EUS, Flor. Ixxvi. 14.

145-

An astrologer was displaying a complex map of the stars in the public square, and pointing out, " These are wandering stars." " It is not the stars that are wandering," said Diogenes, "but your audience." Ibid. Ixxx. 6.

146.

Anacreon, having received from Polycrates a large sum of money, lay awake two nights thinking of it. After this he returned it, saying, " It did not pay for the anxiety." Ibid. xc. 25.

147.

Gorgias, when asked by what course of life he had attained so great an age, replied, "By never eating or doing anything merely for pleasure. "

Ibid. c. 21. 148. Diogenes, noticing a person who had cut off his

40 GREEK WIT.

beard, said to him, " I suppose you intend to reproach Nature for making you a man and not a woman." ATHEN. xiii. p. 565. C.

149.

An under-sized flask of wine was sent as a present to a lady, with the intimation that it was sixteen years old. "And very small for its age," she said. Ibid. p. 584. B.

150.

Gorgo, the little daughter of King Cleomenes, seeing Aristagoras having his shoes put on by a servant, exclaimed, " Father, here is a gentleman who has got no hands."

PLUTARCH, Apoph. Lac.

A Spartan, on going to war, complained to his mother that his sword was rather too short. "Then get one step nearer," she said. Ibid.

152.

Parysatis, the mother of Cyrus (the younger), advised one who was about to speak freely to the king, to use words wrapped in fine linen.

Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Parysat.

GREEK WIT. 41

153-

Memnon, engaged in a war with Alexander on behalf of Darius, said to one of his mercenaries, who was violently abusing Alexander : "I pay you to fight Alexander, not to revile him." And he gave him a smart blow with his lance.

PLUTARCH, ibid. Memnon.

154-

Cotys, king of Thrace, was conscious of having a hasty temper, and punishing his servants too severely. One day a present was brought to him of some very costly and delicate porcelain. He made the giver a handsome present, and immedi- ately smashed the set, "lest," he said, " I should punish too harshly in my anger some one who breaks these." Ibid. Cotys.

'55-

Ateas, having taken captive a celebrated flute- player, asked him for a tune. When all the courtiers applauded the performance, he remarked, ' ' My horse can neigh better. " Ibid. Ateas.

156.

Dionysius the elder was blamed for keeping at court a man of bad character and much disliked by

42 GREEK WIT.

the citizens. His excuse was, " It is my policy to have some one more hated than myself."

PLUTARCH, ibid. Dionys. Sen.

157.

Philip, King of Macedon, thanked the Athenian demagogues for their abuse, and said that his morals were much improved by it, for his constant endeavour was both by his words and his deeds to prove them liars. Ibid. Phil. 7.

158.

Philip cancelled the appointment of judge in the case of a friend of Antipater's who used to dye his beard. "A man who cannot be trusted in his hair," he said, "cannot be trusted in business."

Ibid. 23. 159-

Alexander the Great sent a large sum of money as a present to Xenocrates the philosopher. He returned for answer, that he did not want it. "What," asked Alexander, "has he not even a friend ? All the wealth I got from Darius has not sufficed for my friends." Ibid. Alex. 30.

1 60. Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, ordered some young

GREEK WIT. ^3

men who had been abusing him over their wine to be brought into his presence. "Did you say that?" he asked the first of them. "Yes, sir," was the reply, " and we should have said still more, if we had had more wine."

PLUTARCH, Pyrrh. 6.

161.

Alcibiades, going to a school, asked for Homer's Iliad. "We don't keep Homer here," said the schoolmaster. Alcibiades knocked him down, and went on. Ibid. Ale. 3.

162.

When the Athenians were making a public sub- scription for a certain sacrifice, Phocion, being repeatedly called upon, presented a creditor, and said, " I should be ashamed at paying you, and not repaying this gentleman." Ibid. Phoc. 5-

163-

Peisistratus, who was thinking of marrying again, was dissuaded by his sons, who asked if he was dissatisfied with them. " Certainly not, " my dear fellows," he replied; "I wish to have more like you." Ibid. Pa's. 5.

44 GREEK WIT.

164.

We often hear a father who has lost a son ex- claiming in great grief, "My dearest son! thou art gone, thou art snatched away in youth, leaving me in my old age desolate, no more wilt thou enjoy the blessings of life," and so on. But if the departed could speak, he would rather say, "Weep not for me ; is it so hard a fate not to have lived, like you, to a feeble, helpless, doting old age ? Is not the never being thirsty better than drinking, and the never feeling cold better than having ever so many clothes?" Why don't you say, "My dearest son ! thou wilt never be hungry nor thirsty again ; thou art gone, snatched away from diseases, wars, oppression ; no more, alack ! wilt thou be tortured by love, nor become a nuisance to others in old age?" That is a more genuine lamentation than yours. LuciAN, De Luctu, iii. p. 928.

165.

Lycurgus encouraged the Spartans to wear their hair long. " It improves people if they are hand- some," he said, "and it makes them more fright- ful if they are ugly."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Lye. i.

GREEK WIT. 45

166.

The same legislator once said to a person who was recommending democracy, " Try it in your own households."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Lye. 2.

167.

King Agesilaus, having received a favourable response from the oracle of Jupiter at Olympia, was advised further to consult that of Apollo at Delphi. Whereupon he went to Delphi and in- quired whether the son is of the same opinion as his father? Ibid. Ages. 7.

168.

Cato the elder in denouncing the unreasonable extravagance of the age, said that it was hard to speak to Belly which had not Ears to hear.

Ibid. Cat. Sen. I.

169.

The same philosopher said he had rather see a blush on a young man than a pale face. Ibid. 6.

170. The same, on observing that statues were being

46 GREEK WIT.

set up in honour of many, remarked, "I would rather people would ask, why is there not a statue to Cato, than why there is."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Cat. Sen. 10.

171.

The same observed of a spendthrift who had sold an estate on the coast, " He is stronger than the sea, for he has eaten up what it can only nibble at." Ibid. 21.

172.

The younger Scipio, being sent by the senate on a tour of inspection of the cities, came to Alexan- dria attended by Panaetius. When the king of that city could hardly keep pace with them through laziness and affectation, Scipio observed to his friend, "Our presence here has done one good service to the citizens ; it has enabled them to see their king vvalking." Ibid. Scip. Min. 13.

173-

A soldier, carrying a stake for fencing the camp, complained of its weight. "Yes," said Scipio, " for you put more trust in a wooden beam than in a sword." Ibid. 19.

GREEK WIT. 47

174.

Augustus Caesar, being unable to check the dis- turbance and clamour of a party of young aristo- crats, addressed them thus : " Young men, hear an old man, who, when he was young, was listened to by his seniors."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. A p., August. 12.

175-

Agasicles, King of Sparta, was asked why, as he was so fond of hearing discourses, he did not receive Philophanes the philosopher at his court ? " I prefer," he replied, " to be the pupil of those of whom I am also the son."

PLUT. Ap. Lac., Agas. i.

176.

Agesilaus was sharply bitten by an insect in the very midst of a solemn sacrifice. He took no notice at the time, but afterwards killed it in the sight of all. "You deserve it," he said, "for having malicious designs even against an altar. "

Ibid. Ages. 8. 177.

The same, on seeing in Asia a house roofed with square beams, asked if they grew in that

48 GREEK WIT.

shape in that country. On the owner replying "No," he inquired: "Suppose they had been square ; would you have made them round ? " PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 27.

178.

The same, when some one was extolling the happiness of the Persian king, then quite a youth, observed, " Not even Priam had experienced mis- fortune at his age." Ibid. 37.

179.

The same, on some one showing him the strength and security of the rampart round his town, asked if he did not think it a fine place. "Very," he said, — "for women to live in."

Ibid. 55. 180.

The same, being invited to hear some one exactly imitate the voice of a nightingale, replied, " I have heard the bird itself many times."

Ibid. 58. 181.

Diogenes, being present at a splendid entertain- ment given by an uneducated man, made symptoms as though he wished to spit. After looking round the room, he suddenly spat on his host ! " I sec

GREEK IV IT. 49

nothing in the house," said he, " so neglected as yourself, and men always spit in some place where they find the least care is bestowed."

GALEN, Uporp. Xoy. i. p. 18.

182.

One Stratonicus, a harper, seeing the people of Caunus in Rhodes looking very bilious, remarked that this was what Homer meant, when he com- pared man to the leaves in autumn. On their re- monstrating against his calling their city unhealthy, he said that could not be an unhealthy place where even dead men can walk about.

STRABO, xiv. 2.

183.

The inhabitants of Cyme, in /Eolis, had raised a sum of money by mortgaging one of their public piazzas. But, as the loan was not repaid, the mortgagees took possession of the property, good- naturedly allowing people to shelter there when it rained. As this was announced by a crier calling out " Come under shelter ! " a story arose that the people were so stupid that they did not know when to seek shelter unless they were told.

Ibid. xiii. 3.

£

50 GREEK WIT.

184.

It is said of the inhabitants of lasus off Caria, that when a certain harper was performing, the people who were listening heard the bell for the opening of the fish-market, and rushed off, with the excep- tion of one man who was a little deaf. The harper coming up addressed him thus : " My good sir, I am much flattered by your staying to hear me when all the rest ran off at the sound of the bell." " What ! " said he, " has the fish-bell rung ? Then I'm off too. Good-bye ! " STRABO, xiv. 2.

185.

Alexander, having inspected a portrait of him- self painted by Apelles, at Ephesus, did not praise it according to its real merit. But his horse having been brought in, and neighing at the horse in the picture as if to a real one, Apelles exclaimed, ' ' Sir, your horse appears to be a much better judge of painting than you."

AELIAN, Var. Hist. ii. 3.

1 86.

Hippomachus, a noted gymnast, when an athlete who was being trained by him had performed

GREEK WIT. 51

some feat with the applause of the whole assembly, struck him with his staff. "You did it clumsily," he said, "and not as you ought, for these people would never have praised you for anything really artistic." AELIAN, Var. Hist. ii. 6.

187.

Certain persons from Clazomenfe came to Sparta, and smeared with soot the seats on which the magistrates sat in discharging their public duties. On discovering what had been done, and by whom, they expressed no indignation, but merely ordered a public proclamation to be made, " Let it be lawful for the people of Clazomenae to make blackguards of themselves." Ibid. 15.

1 88.

Philip, being invited to dine with a friend, brought with him several others whom he met on the road. Seeirg his host disturbed lest there should be not enough for all, he sent a message to them "to leave room for a nice mince-pie." They, expecting its arrival, ate moderately, and so the viands provided proved enough for all.

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Phil. 20.

52 GREEK WIT.

I89.

Demetrius the cynic, seeing an illiterate man at Corinth reading in public a very beautiful book, — no other than the Bacchae of Euripides, where a messenger describes the death of Pentheus and the deed of his mother Agave, — snatched it from him and tore it up, saying, " It is better for Pentheus to be pulled to pieces by me once, than by you many times ! "

LUCIAN, Adv. Indoct. ii. p. 114.

190.

On some one telling Agis, King of Sparta, that Philip would make it impossible for the Spartans to set foot in Greece, he replied, ' ' We are content to walk on our own land."

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Agid. 14.

191.

An ambassador having come to Sparta from Perinthus, spoke at great length. " What answer shall I return to the Perinthians ? " he asked. "Say," replied the king, "that you talked a great deal, and that I did not utter a word."

Ibid. 15.

GREEK WIT. 53

192.

Some one asked Alexandridas why the Spartans give up their lands to be cultivated by serfs, and do not till them with their own hands. ' ' Because," he replied, " it was by minding themselves, and not their fields, that they acquired them."

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Alex. 3.

193-

When Demades the orator had remarked that the swords of the Spartans were so short that they could be swallowed by conjurors, Agis, the younger king of that name, replied, " We find them quite long enough to reach the enemy."

Ibid. Agid. Jun. i.

194.

Cleomenes, when asked what was the duty of a good king, replied, " To do good to your friends, but harm to your enemies." On which the philo- sopher Aristo observed, "Would it not be still better to make your enemies friends, and so to do good to them also ? " Ibid. Arist. i.

195- Some one was praising Charilas for being lenient

54 GREEK WIT.

to all alike. Archidamidas thereupon asked, "Is it any particular merit to be lenient to scoundrels?" PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Arch. i.

196.

Some one was complaining of Hecatseus the sophist for having nothing to say at meal-times. Archidamidas observed, " A man who knows how to speak, also knows when to speak. " Ibid. 2.

197.

Eubo'idas, hearing some persons loud in the praise of the wife of another, said to them, " No one should presume to speak about that which he can have no right to know." Ibid. Eub. I.

I98.

Thearidas, while whetting a sword, was asked if it was sharp. "As sharp as slander," he replied. Ibid. Thear.

199.

Cleomenes, having sworn to give the Argives seven days' truce, attacked them in their sleep on the third night, and killed many. On being up-

GREEK WIT. 55

braided for his perfidy, "It was a truce for seven c/ays," he replied.

PLUTARCH, Ibid. Cleomen. Anaxandr. fil. , 2.

200.

Cleomenes, when some envoys from Samos were urging him at great length to make war against the tyrant Polycrates, rejoined: " The first part of your address I cannot remember, the middle of it I cannot, for that reason, understand, and the whole I cannot approve." Ibid. 7.

201.

Some one was praising the most valiant fighters, when a Laconian interrupted with, " Say, at Troy." A p. Lac. Divers. 4.

202. ,

Another Laconian, seeing some one selling nuts that no one could crack, at twice their real value, asked, " Are pebbles then so scarce? " Ibid. 12.

203.

A Laconian was finding fault with the people of Metapontum for being cowards. " Yet we have annexed a good deal of territory," said one of them.

56 GREEK VYIT.

"Then you are not only cowards," he replied, " but rogues too." Ap. Lac. Divers. 15.

204.

A Laconian, having been made a prisoner of war, was being sold as a slave. "Who'll buy a Laconian?" asked the auctioneer. "Hush!" exclaimed the prisoner. " Say, a captive"

Ibid. 19. 205.

When a certain bath-keeper was pouring a great quantity of water for Alcibiades, a Laconian who stood by observed, " He seems to think him a very dirty fellow." Ibid. 49.

206.

A family at Calana derived their name of Pious from a signal act of filial affection ; for when an eruption of Mount Etna had occurred, they cared nothing for their gold and silver, but at once took up and carried, one his aged father, another his mother. Being unable to advance with sufficient speed, they were overtaken by the hot lava, but refusing even then to resign their burden, they were saved by the stream suddenly dividing and leaving them in the middle unhurt.

PAUSANIAS, x. 28, p. 867.

GREEK WIT. 57

207.

A Laconian observing some one making a col- lection "for the gods," said that he had no respect for gods who were beggars more than himself. PLUT. Ap. Lac. 54.

208.

Hipponicus, wishing to dedicate a statue to the honour of his country, was advised to apply to the sculptor Polyclitus. "No," said he; "when people see it, they will admire only the work of the artist, not the liberality of the giver. "

AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 16.

209.

Philip, the son of Amyntas, once asked the younger Dionysius how it was that he had not retained the great power inherited from his father? "Because," he replied, "he left me everything hut his luck." Ibid. xii. 60.

2IO.

Demonax was accused of impiety for never sacri- > ficing to the goddess Athena, and for not having been initiated in the Eleusinian mysteries. His defence was as follows : " For the first charge, I

58 GREEK WIT.

never conceived that the goddess could possibly want any sacrifices of mine ; and for the second, the mysteries are either good, or they are bad. Now, if they are bad, I should feel it my duty to warn others not to join them ; and if they are good, I should never be able to keep the secret, but should tell them to all as a benefactor to my fellow- creatures." LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 380.

211.

Epaminondas, finding that one of his subalterns had received a large bribe from a prisoner of war, said to him, " Give me back that shield ; go and buy a shop and live there! Now that you have turned gentleman, you won't care to share our danger." PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Ep. 21.

212.

One Thrasyllus had a strange mania for imagin- ing all the ships that returned to or left the Piraeus were his ; and he used to keep lists of them, and express the greatest delight at their safe return ! On being cured at last of his malady, he declared that his greatest pleasure in life had been the safety of ships with which he had nothing whatever to do. AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 25.

GREEK WIT. 59

213.

Hippocleides, the son of Tisandrus, was a suitor for the hand of Agariste, the daughter of Cleis- thenes, tyrant of Sicyon, and had found especial favour with her father for his good birth and manly accomplishments. On the day when the favoured lover was to be chosen, a grand public banquet was given to the suitors from various countries, and to all the citizens. In the contests of skill which followed, Hippocleides seemed to be gaining the day, when at an unlucky moment he called on the flute-player to strike up a tune, ordered a table to be brought, and after dancing upon it, ended by a " fling " with his legs in the air while he stood on his head ! This undignified attitude so dis- pleased Cleisthenes, that he exclaimed to him, " You have danced yourself out of your marriage." To which he immediately rejoined, " Hippocleides does not care for that" And the saying passed into a proverb. HEROD, vi. 129.

214.

One Boethus had found great favour with An- tony for a poem he had written on the victory at Philippi, and had been appointed by him general

60 GREEK WIT.

manager and treasurer of the public games at Tar- sus. He was detected, however, in pilfering the oil and other articles under his control, and being accused of it before Antony, he made this defence : " As Homer sung the deeds of Achilles, Agamem- non, and Ulysses, so I have sung of yours." To which the prosecutor retorted, " But Homer never stole oil either from Agamemnon or from Achilles." STRABO, xv. p. 674.

215,

A Spartan went to a cook's shop to have a bit of fish dressed. "I shall want some cheese and some oil," said the man. " Do you suppose," asked the other, "if I had had any cheese, I should have wanted fish also?" PLUT. Ap. Lac. Divers. 44.

216.

Hiero, tyrant of Sicily, said that people who tell a secret do a wrong even to those who listen to it ; for we naturally feel as much dislike for those who have been told what we did not wish them to know as for those who tell it.

PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Hieron. 2.

GREEK (VIT. <5x

2i;.

Dionysius the elder, though he punished male- factors severely, was rather lenient to "garotters." "They stop people," he said, " from going about the town of Syracuse drunk after dinner."

PLUTARCH, Dion. Sen. 7.

218.

The same, having heard that two young men had been abusing both himself and his government, invited them both to dinner. One of them drank a quantity of wine, and talked a good deal of nonsense. The other drank very sparingly and cautiously. Dionysius forgave the first as a fool ; the latter he put to death as a dangerous malignant.

Ibid. 10.

219.

Socrates' idea of God's providence over men was very different from that of most men. They think His knowledge is only partial ; he believed God knew all things, what was being said, and done, and planned in secret ; that He was present everywhere, and made known His will to men in all human affairs. XENOPHON, Mem. i. 2, 19.

62 GREEK WIT.

220.

Socrates, hearing some one say he had no appe- tite, said : " Take my doctor's advice as the best remedy. Stop eating, and you will find living more pleasant, as well as much healthier and cheaper." XENOPHON, Mem. iii. 13, 2.

221.

When some one was punishing his attendant with severity, Socrates asked him why he was so enraged with the fellow. "Because," said he, "he is the greediest, laziest, idlest, most money- loving of rascals!" "Have you ever seriously considered," asked Socrates, " whetheryou or the servant deserve more blows ? " Ibid. § 4.

222.

Another person once told Socrates he was quite exhausted with his long walk. "Did you carry anything?" asked Socrates. " Only my cloak," said he. " Were you alone, or with a servant?" "I had a servant with me." " Did he carry anything ? " "To be sure, a large bundle with sundry traps." "And how did he come off?" asked Socrates. "Better then I did, I think," was the reply. "And

GREEK WIT. 63

suppose you had had to carry his load — what then ? " "I really couldn't have done it." " And does it seem to you creditable to a trained man to bear so much less toil than his own servant?" XENOPHON, Mem. iii. 13, §6.

223.

Socrates, observing a glutton at table eating several kinds of delicacies at once with a single piece of bread, told him that he was doing a great injustice to the cook's art, by mixing together in his mouth various ingredients which that artist would never have put into the same pot !

Ibid. iii. 14, 5. 224.

Dionysius the elder, on certain gifts which he had presented to the envoys from Corinth being declined by them because the law did not permit ambassadors to receive presents from a potentate, remarked to them: "You are wrong in annulling the only good act which an absolute ruler can do, and in showing by your conduct that to be kindly treated by such an one is a thing to be feared." PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap.t Dion. Sen. 12.

64 GREEK WIT.

225.

Agathocles, who had become King of Sicily, was the son of a potter. One day, when he was besieging a town, a soldier from the rampart called out to him in mockery, ' ' How will you pay your men, Mr: Potter?" "I'll do that," said he, "if I get possession of this town." Having taken it by storm, he sold the inhabitants as slaves, adding, " If you abuse me again, I shall speak to your masters about you."

PLUTARCH, Ibid. Agath. 2.

226.

The same potentate, when the people of Ithaca brought a charge against some of his sailors for touching at the island and carrying off certain sheep, replied: "Your king Ulysses came to Sicily, and not only stole the sheep, but put out the eyes of the shepherd. " Ibid. 3.

227.

Philip of Macedon being advised by his friends to banish one of his slanderers, replied: "If I do, he will go about and abuse me where there are more to listen to him." Ibid. Phil. 5.

GREEK H'fT. 65

228.

A lady of rank, who was good-looking, but short in stature, and of a bad figure, was praised by a poet for being " comely and tall," and "straight as a poplar- tree. " She, pleased at the compliment, kept time with her hand to the strain ; and this went on repeatedly, till some one stooped and whispered in the poet's ear: "Do stop, or you'll make the lady stand ^lp"

LUCIAN, Pro. Imag. ii. p. 486.

229.

Eudamidas of Corinth had two devoted friends, Aretreus and Charixenus. When he died, he left the following will: — " I bequeath to Aretaeus my dear old mother, to keep and maintain, and to Charixenus my dear daughter, to get her married with as large a dower as he can possibly give her. And if either of these should die, then the survivor shall take the charge of both." When the will was read, people thought it a joke, and said they hoped the two friends liked their legacy ! It so happened that Charixenus died only five days afterwards. Aretseus nobly discharged both obli- gations ; the mother is still living at his expense, 9

66 GREEK WIT.

and the daughter was married on the same day as his own child, half his small fortune being given to each. LUCIAN, Toxaris, ii. p. 531.

230.

A wealthy and very handsome man was seen riding in a chariot, with a wife sitting by him, hideously ugly, and with only one eye. When the reason of such a union was asked, " Disinterested friendship," was the reply. The lady's father, hav- ing lost all his fortune, was bewailing to his friend the impossibility of getting a daughter married who was so plain that hardly any poor man would take her even with a fortune. "My dear friend," replied the other, " don't let that disturb you ! /'// marry the girl myself, off hand ! " And they were married, and very fond of her he is to this

day. Ibid. p. 534.

231.

Chabrias used to say, "A camp of deer when led by a lion is more to be feared than one of lions led by a deer." PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap.t Chad. 3. 232.

Agis, the Spartan king, said his countrymen never asked the number of the enemy, but only where they were. Ibid. Ap. Lac., Agis. 3.

GREEK WIT. 67

233-

Lysander, being accused of employing craft in a manner unworthy of his ancestor Hercules, replied : " If the lion's skin is not long enough, we must stitch on to it a fox's skin."

PLUT., Reg. et Imp. Ap.} Lys.'2.

234.

Agesilaus, being asked whether he thought jus- tice or bravery the greater virtue, answered : " There would be no need of bravery if we" all of us were just." Ibid. Ages. 3.

235.

The same, begging the life of a friend from a king of Caria, wrote thus: "If he is innocent, acquit him ; if he is guilty, acquit him to please me ; but acquit him, anyhow." Ibid. 8.

236.

After the defeat of the Spartans at Leuctra, there was a general panic in the city, since the law held every citizen to be disfranchised who had shown cowardice. Agesilaus being appointed by the State Legislator with full powers to annul the penalty, made the following proclamation : — "From to-morrow the laws are to be in force" Ibid. 10.

68 GREEK WIT,

237-

Eudsemonides, hearing a philosopher argue that your "wise man is the only good general, observed : "Very fine talk ; but the speaker has never had trumpets ringing in his ears."

PLUT. Ap. Lac., Eudam. 2.

238.

Antiochus, who led the second expedition against the Parthians, having been separated from his friends and attendants in hunting, arrived at a small homestead, and was invited by the rustics to share their evening meal incognito. He introduced the subject of the king. "A good sort of fellow," they said, ' ' but he gives up too many of his im- portant duties to good-for-nothing friends, while he indulges his fondness for the chase." The king said nothing at the time, but when his body-guards arrived in the morning, bringing the royal insignia, he made this remark in the presence of all : " Yes- terday for the first time since I have had you for my friends, I was told the truth about myself." Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Antioch. I.

239. When Alcibiades was about to be tried by his

GREEK WIT. 69

countrymen, some one asked him if he had not full confidence in them. " I would not trust my own mother," he replied; "She might, by mistake, throw in a black ballot instead of a white one. "

Ibid. Alcib. 6.

240.

A descendant of Harmodius was taunting Iphi- crates with his low birth. " The difference between us is this," he replied, "my family begins with me, and yours ends with you." Ibid. Iphic. 5.

241.

Chabrias used to say, "That the best generals were those who knew most about the enemy."

Ibid. Chabr. \.

242.

When a number of prisoners of war were being sold as slaves by Philip, who at the moment was sitting with his dress somewhat in disorder, one of them cried out, " Spare me, sir, as a family friend ! " When Philip asked the grounds of his claim, he obtained permission to whisper in his ear, "Your attitude, sir, is not quite becoming a

70 GREEK WIT,

king." . " Let him go at once," exclaimed Philip ; " I had no idea the man was so truly my friend." PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Phil. 19.

243-

On one occasion, when Philip was asleep in the daytime, and the Greeks who wanted to see him expressed their disappointment, Parmenio told them not to be surprised, for Philip had been wide awake while they were all asleep.

Ibid. 28.

244- Word was brought to Alexander on the eve of the decisive battle at Arbeta, that his soldiers were talking about a secret design to keep all the spoils to themselves, and reserve none for the king. "I am glad of it," said he; "it shows they mean to conquer and not to run away."

Ibid. Alex. 12.

245-

When an Indian chief had surrendered himself and a strong fortress to Alexander, the king re- marked : " He is wise in trusting to a brave man rather than to a secure post." Ibid. 26.

GREEK WIT. 71

246.

Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, after defeating the Romans twice with the loss of many of his friends and generals, exclaimed, " If we gain one more such victory over the Romans, we are lost."

PLUTARCH, ibid. Pyrrh. Ep. 3.

247.

When Eurybiades raised his staff to strike Themistocles, he replied : " Strike me, but hear me." Ibid. Them. 5.

248.

Epaminondas was reckoning with the cook the cost of some days' entertainment of his colleagues, and objected to no other expense but that of oil. When they expressed their surprise, he said : "It is not the cost, but the regret that so much oil has been taken by you inside, which would have been better rubbed on in the gymnasium."

Ibti. Epam. 5.

249.

The same general — when an engagement with the Lacedemonians was imminent, and various oracles were brought up, some predicting victor)', others defeat to the Thebans — ordered them to be

72 GREEK WIT.

laid in two parcels, one on his right, the other on his left. Then rising, he said, "Now gentle- men, if you intend to obey orders and boldly to face the enemy, here are your oracles on this side ; but if you intend to shirk the danger, you had better take the others. " PLUTARCH, ibid. Epam. 8.

250.

On the day after the victory at Leuctra, Epa- minondas was seen in public shabbily dressed and unkempt in his person, v> hich was by no means his custom. "Anything the matter?" asked his friends. "No," said he; "I am only doing penance for the excess of joy I felt yesterday."

Ibid. II.

251.

Paullus ^Emilius, during the war against Perseus, once found his little daughter Tertia in tears. " What's the matter now?" he inquired. "Perseus is dead," she said, meaning a lapdog so named. "I take it as you have said," he replied ; "may the words bring us luck ! " Ibid. Paul. sEm. 2.

252. The people of Antioch were in the habit of criti-

GREEK WIT. 73

cising the personal appearance and demeanour of the actors in the theatre. When a short man came on to act the part of Hector, the audience called out, "Where's Hector? You are only the boy Astyanax! " When a very tall one was to play the part of Capaneus in scaling the wall of Thebes, they exclaimed, ' ' Step in ! never mind the ladder ! " LUCIAN, De Saltat. ii. p. 309.

253.

Another actor was playing the Mad Aj'ax, and got so excited with his part that he tore the clothes of one, hit Ulysses over the head with a flute, and then jumped from the stage and sat down in the senators' seats between two men of consular rank, who barely escaped being beaten with his whip, like the rams in that play. But afterwards he was so ashamed of this extravagance, that when the members of his company wanted him to play Ajax again, he replied : " It is enough to have been mad once." Ibid. p. 314.

254-

Demonax, hearing a scientific lecture " On the Antipodes," asked the lecturer to follow him to the water-side, and pointing to their shadows as they

74 GREEK WIT.

stood on the brink, " Are these, " he asked, " your Antipodes?" LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 384.

255.

The same, when a certain sorcerer boasted of potent charms by which he could make people give him just what he liked, said : " Follow me. I have one simple charm that will do as much as any of yours. " Going into a baker's shop he produced a penny : " Give me a loaf," he said. Ibid.

256.

Herod the Great was in great grief for the un- timely death of Pollux, and was proposing many funeral honours, when Demonax came to him say- ing, "I have a message to give from Pollux." Herod, believing that he too shared in the general grief, asked him, what those commands were. " He is complaining of you," said Demonax, "for not going to him at once" Ibid. p. 385.

257.

The same told a parent who was much distressed at the loss of his son, and had shut himself in a dark room, that he was a spirit-rapper, and would

GREEK WIT. 75

make his son appear, if only he could give him the names of three persons who had never yet had to mourn. On his being unable, after much considera- tion, to do this, Demonax sternly said : "And do you think, foolish man, that you alone have in- tolerable woe, when you see yourself that none are exempt?" LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 385.

258.

The same used to ridicule the pedantry of those who affected archaic words. To one of these he once said : " I asked you, my friend, a question in the language of the day, and you answer it as Aga- memnon would have done." Ibid.

259.

A friend having said to Demonax, " Let us go to the shrine of yEsculapius and offer a prayer for my son's recovery," he replied, " You must think the god is very deaf, if he can't hear us praying where we now stand." Ibid. p. 386.

260.

The same noticing two illiterate men, who called themselves ' ' philosophers, " disputing on some ques- tion, and one of them putting absurd questions and

76t GREEK WIT.

the other giving equally absurd answers, observed to his friends : ' ' One of these fellows is milking a goat, and the other is holding a sieve under it." LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 386.

261.

Agathocles was boasting that he was the first, and, in fact, the only logician. "But," said De- monax, " if you are the first, you are not the only one, and if you are the only one, you cannot be the jirst" Ibid.

262.

When Cethegus, a Consular, was about to go into Asia on an embassy to his father, he did and said many very absurd things. Some one who saw this, called him "a great ape." " He is not even a great ape, " said Demonax. Ibid.

263.

When the philosopher Apollonius, with a troop of pupils, was leaving town for the purpose of giving instruction to the king, Demonax exclaimed, "Here come Apollonius and his Argonauts ! "

Ibid. p. 387.

GREEK WIT. 77

264.

The same, when he was about to make a voyage in the stormy season, and a friend had said, "Are you not afraid of your bark being upset, and yourself becoming food for fishes?" replied, "It would be ungracious in me to object to that, when I myself have eaten so many fishes. "

LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 387.

265.

A bad speaker was advised to practise before an audience. "I always spout by myself, " he replied. "Then no wonder," says Demonax, " you speak so badly, with such a fool to hear you."

Ibid. p. 388. 266.

The same, seeing a person undertake the office of Seer to the State at a fixed salary, said to him : " I don't quite see on what principle you are paid. For, if you can alter anything that is fated, you ask too little, whatever is the amount ; but if everything must happen as Providence has deter- mined it, what is the use of your art ? " Ibid.

267. - The same, on seeing a sleek and well-preserved

78 GREEK WIT.

old Roman fencing against a dummy, said to him : " You fight well— with a wooden antagonist." LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 388.

268.

Some one, thinking to puzzle Demonax, asked him, " If I burn a thousand pounds' weight of fuel, how many pounds of it go into smoke 1 " "Weigh the ashes," he replied, "and all the residue must

be smoke ! " Ibid. 389.

269.

One Polybius, a stupid sort of man, saying to Demonax in rather bad Greek, " The King has done me the honour to make me a Roman," he replied, ' ' I wish he had made you a Greek. "

Jbid. 270.

The same, seeing a rich man very proud of his broad woollen mantle dyed with purple, stooped and whispered in his ear: "Before you wore it, this was worn by a sheep ! " Ibid.

271.

The same, when some one asked him what he thought about the state of the dead, said : " Wait a little, and /'// send you a report. " Ibid.

GREEK WIT. 79

272.

One Admetus, a bad poet, having told Demonax that he had written an epitaph in a single verse to be inscribed on his own tomb, the latter replied : "It is so pretty, I wish it were written there already ! " LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 389.

273-

The same, seeing a Lacedemonian flogging his own slave, exclaimed : " Do leave off showing that you deserve the very same yourself."

Ibid. p. 390. 274.

The same, observing that some athletes, contrary to the rules, were fighting unfairly in a scuffling- match, and even using their teeth, said : " That is why your modern athletes are so often called lions. "

Ibid. p. 391. 275-

Demonax having paid a visit to Olympia, was received with all honour by the people of Elis, and a bronze statue to him was voted at the public expense. "Don't, gentlemen," said he. "You will seem to be reproaching your forefathers for not having set up a statue to Socrates or to Diogenes." Ibid. p. 393.

8o GREEK WIT.

276.

The same was once heard to say to a lawyer, "Probably all laws are really useless, for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them."

LuciAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 394.

277.

The same, being asked a little before his death, if he had any commands about his funeral, replied : "Don't trouble yourselves; the smell will bury me." When the objection was raised, "It would be a shame that the body of so old and so great a man should become food for dogs and vultures," he rejoined : " All right, so long as I am of use to some creatures when I am dead." Ibid. p. 396.

278.

Agesilaus the Great, observing that a malefactor bore the torture with great firmness, exclaimed, " What a very great rogue must he be, whose courage and constancy are bestowed on crime alone !" PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 2.

279.

The same, having ordered certain prisoners of war to be sold stripped, and separate from their

GREEK ll'lT. 8 1

clothes, found that there were many more pur- chasers of the garments, since the white skins of the prisoners made them look effeminate and un- serviceable. " These," said he, "are the posses- sions you fight for, and these are the men you fight with" PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 13.

280.

The same, being compelled to make a retreat in a hurry, was implored by a sick friend with many tears not to leave him. "It is hard," he said, as he returned for him, "at once to have wisdom and pity." Ibid. 17.

281.

The same had a favdurite saying, "A general should show his superiority over the private, not by having greater comforts in the field, but by displaying greater courage and endurance."

Ibid. 19.

282.

The same, when asked by some one what was the chief benefit which the laws of Lycurgus had conferred upon Sparta, replied: "Contempt of pleasure." Ibid. 20.

G

82 GREEK WIT.

283.

When some one remarked how simply both king and citizens were clothed and fed at Sparta, Agesilaus said, "Ah! my friend, it is from this that we reap our Freedom."

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 21.

284.

When Agesilaus was passing through Thasos with his army, the islanders sent him supplies of flour, with poultry, cakes, and other delicacies. The flour he accepted, the rest he declined as of "no use to them." On being blamed for this, and pressed to accept them, he said, " Divide them, then, among the slaves ; men who are disci- plined in courage need them not. What is a bait to a slave cannot be fit for a freeman." Ibid. 25.

285.

The same, when a lame man going on service asked leave to have a horse, said to him, ' ' We want men who will stand, not those who can get quickly away." Ibid. 34.

286. When thirty thousand Persian gold coins bear-

GREEK WIT. 83

ing the device of an archer had been sent from Asia by the Great King to Athens and Thebes to be distributed in bribes, Agesilaus on his de- parture from that country said : " Thirty thousand bowmen are going out by the king's order to make war with the Spartans."

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 40.

287.

Agesilaus, intending to march through Mace- donia, sent to ask the king of that country whether he intended to receive him as a friend or an enemy. " I will consider," he replied. " Then," said the Spartan, "do you think about it, and we meanwhile will commence our march." The king very soon sent a message : " Come as a friend." Ibid. 43.

288.

Some one begged Agesilaus to write to his friends in Asia, that justice might be done to him. "My friends," said the king, "do justice even if I do not write to them." Ibid. 54.

V

289. Agesilaus used to take little notice of things

84 GREEK WIT.

which others admired, and he liked to show his indifference. One day a celebrated actor called Callippidas came forward and addressed the king, and then intruded himself somewhat pertly upon his attendants, expecting some recognition. At last he said, "Don't you know me, sir? Have you not heard who I am?" The king gave him a look, and said : "Are you Callippidas, the man that does the shams ? "

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 57.

290.

The people of Asia being wont to call the Sul- tan "The Great King," Agesilaus said : " In what respect is he greater than I, unless he has more justice and more self-control ? " Ibid. 63.

291.

The same, when some one asked what things boys ought to learn, replied, ' ' What will be use- ful to them when they are men." Ibid. 67.

292.

The same, when sitting as judge in a suit, in which the prosecutor spoke well but the counsel

GREEK WIT. 85

for the defence badly, with the frequent remark, 11 If is the duly of a king to support the law," ad- dressed the latter thus: — "If any one were to make a hole in your house-wall, or try to rob you of your mantle, would you invoke the aid of the architect or the weaver ? "

PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 68.

293-

The same, when a letter had been brought to him from the Persian king after the peace of Callias, proposing terms of friendship, declined to receive it. "Tell him," said he, "he need not send any letters to me individually. If he is a friend to Greece, I will be a staunch friend to him ; but if I find him playing double, he is not to rely on my friendship, however many letters I may receive from him. " Ibid. 69.

294.

Caius Fabricius, in a conference with Pyrrhus about the release of prisoners, refused a large sum of money that was offered. Next day, Pyrrhus ordered the largest elephant to be brought up behind him without his being aware of it till it trumpeted in his ear and suddenly sho\ved itself.

86 GREEK WIT.

Turning round with a smile, Fabricius said : ' ' Neither your bribe yesterday nor your big beast to-day has any power to move me from my duty." PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Af., C. Fabr. 2.

295-

The same, wh&n Pyrrhus invited him to share his sovereignty as second to himself, replied : "That would be against your own interest, for if the Epirots come to know us both, they will pre- fer me for their king." Ibid. 3.

296.

When the elder Scipio was asked in Sicily what he had to trust to in sending a force to attack Carthage, he pointed out three hundred men per- forming drill under arms, and a lofty tower by the sea. "Not one of these," said he, "were I to order him, would hesitate to ascend that tower and throw himself headlong from it."

Ibid. Scip. Maj. 4.

297.

When King Antiochus had come into Greece with a great display of military power variously armed, Titus Quintus removed the fears of the

GREEK WIT. 87

Achoeans by the following anecdote: — "I once," said he, "was dining with a friend, and expressed my surprise at such a variety of meat. But my host explained that though the dressing and the seasoning differed, it was all pork. In the same v ay, " he added, ' ' you may be assured that, however much their arms may be different, these men are all Syrians." PLUTARCH, Ibid. Tit. Quint. 4.

298.

Agesilaus, finding the allies complained of the frequent expeditions in support of a mere handful of Spartans, ordered all the allied forces to sit in ranks mixed together, but the Spartans in a separate place. Then an order was given, "Pot- ters, stand up ! Brass-workers, carpenters, house- builders, stand up in succession ! " When all the trades had been so called out, nearly all the allies were on their feet, but not a single Lacedemonian (trade of any kind being strictly forbidden). Then Agesilaus said with a smile: "You see, gentle- men, how many more soldiers we send out than you." Ibid. Apoph. Lac., Ages. 72.

299. The same, in one of his frequent contests with

88 GREEK ll'IT.

the Thebans, had been wounded by a javelin. It is said that Antalcidas taunted him thus: "It serves you right: you taught these Thebans to fight when they had neither the wish nor the know- ledge.'' PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 71.

300.

Agis, the son of Archidamus, on surveying the walls of Corinth, and noticing their height and strength, asked, " Who are the women who live in this place ? " Ibid. 6.

301.

The same, when an envoy from Abdera had made a long address, and asked, "What shall I report to the citizens?" replied, "That I listened in silence as long as ever you chose to talk."

Ibid. 9. 302.

The same, when some one was praising the fairness of the people of Elis in the Olympian contests, remarked, "They do nothing very won- derful in acting justly for one day only in Jive years.'" Ibid. 10.

303. The same, when he was told that " Some people

GREEK WIT. 89

in the other house envy you," said, "Then be- sides their own misfortunes, they will have the good luck of me and my friends to annoy them." PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. u.

304-

Arigeus, on seeing at Selinus in Sicily an in- scription to certain persons who had died in "ex- tinguishing a tyranny," exclaimed that it served them right, for if the tyranny was on fire it ought to have been allowed to burn itself out ! "

Ibid. A rig. 2. 305.

When a patriotic Athenian was reading a eulogy on some of his countrymen who had been killed by the Lacedemonians, Aristo asked him : " What country did those belong to who killed them ? "

Ibid. Arist. 3. 306.

Archidamus, the son of Zeuxidamus, was im- plored by the allies in the Peloponnesian war to put some limit to the taxation. But he replied, "War does not feed by measure." Ibid. Arch. 7.

307. Herondas, being present when an Athenian

go GREEK WIT.

court condemned a man for following no profes- sion, said "he should like to see the person who had been cast in such a very gentlemanly suit." PLUTARCH, Ibid. Herond.

308.

Leonidas being told that from the number of the Persian arrows the sun could not be seen, re- marked, " Then we shall fight in the shade."

Ibid. Leon. 6. 309-

The same, when Xerxes had sent a letter, de- manding the surrender of his arms, replied, " Come and take them." Ibid. 1 1.

310.

The same sent an order to his soldiers "to breakfast with the prospect of dining in the other world." Ibid. 13.

3"-

Paullus yEmilius, finding there was much talking and bragging among his soldiers, issued this order to them : ' ' Keep quiet, sharpen your swords, and leave the rest to me."

Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Paid. sEm. 3.

GREEK WIT. 91

3I2.

Cato the elder said he had little hope of a city in which a fish sold for a larger sum than an ox. PLUTARCH, Ibid. Cat. Maj. 2.

A certain piper, seeing fishes darting about in the sea, played them a tune, thinking that perhaps they would come out and dance on land ! Being disappointed in this, he took a net and drew out a large number of them, and while he watched them leaping about, he exclaimed : " Stop dancing to me now, as you would not come out to dance when I piped to you." HEROD, i. 141.

314.

Nitocris, queen of Babylon, had a tomb erected for herself over a gateway in a thoroughfare of the city, with this inscription : " If any king of Babylon after me should be short of money, he may open this tomb and take as much as he wants, but only if he really is in need of it." Darius, thinking it was a pity not to make use of wealth which he was thus invited to take, opened the tomb and found no money, but the body with

92 GREEK WIT.

these words written : "If you had not been greedy of gold and fond of base gain, you would not have thought of ransacking the graves of the departed."

HEROD, i. 187.

SIS-

Two Spartan boys were fighting, and one gave the other a mortal blow with a knife. When he was dying, his companions engaged to avenge him. "Don't," he said, " it would not be just; for I should have done it to him, if only I had been quick enough and had had courage enough."

PLUT. Ap. Lac. Divers. 31.

316.

When Lampis of ^Egina was congratulated for his wealth as a shipowner, a Spartan observed, " I don't think much of a prosperity which hangs on ropes." Ibid. 45.

317.

When some one taunted a Spartan for telling a falsehood, he replied, ''Well, we are a free people. Others get flogged if they don't speak the truth."

Ibid. 46. 318. Amasis, king of Egypt, in his youth was fond

GREEK WIT. 93

of good cheer, and not very scrupulous how he obtained it. When charged with stealing, his custom was to appeal to the nearest oracle ; and sometimes he was condemned by the god, some- times acquitted. When he came to the throne, he took no notice of, and sent no presents to, the shrines where he had been acquitted, but showed the greatest respect for those who had called him a thief, declaring they were the only true and infallible gods ' HEROD, ii. 1 74.

3I9-

Some one was attempting to make a corpse stand erect, but failing in all his attempts, he remarked, " Something seems wanting inside it." PLUT. A p. Lac. Div. 47.

320.

An old man wishing to be a spectator of the games at Olympia, was at a loss for a seat, and as he went round looking for one he was jeered by the populace. At last, when he came where the Lacedemonians were sitting, all the young and most of the full-grown men got up to offer him their place. The assembled Greeks applauded the act, whereupon he exclaimed with a sigh :

94 GREEK WIT.

1 ' Alas ! all the Greeks know what is right, but only the Lacedemonians practise it."

PLUT. Ap. Lac. Div. 52.

321.

A beggar asked alms of a Spartan. " If I give to you," he replied, " you will only become more of a beggar than you are. The first man who gave you sixpence is the author of this bad trade of yours : it was he who taught you to do nothing."

Ibid. 53. 322.

A person with sore eyes was going into military service. His friends asked him what he expected to do in that condition ? " Not to see the enemy's sword," he replied. Ibid. 59.

323.

A Spartan being asked some question, said, "No." "That's a lie," was the blunt rejoinder. " Then," said he, "why did you ask, if you know already?" Ibid. 6$.

324-

Certain envoys came on business of importance to Lygdamis, tyrant of Lydia. After being put off many times, at last they were told that he was ill,

GREEK WIT. 95

and could not see them. "Assure him," said they, "that we have come, not to wrestle, but to talk with him." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Div. 64.

325-

A Spartan was dining at a table on which sea-urchins were served. He took one, and not knowing how to manage it, put it into his mouth and crttlched it shell and all ! After making wry faces over it, he exclaimed : " Not very nice eating ! I am not going to turn coward and give you up now ; but I shall not izkeyou any more."

ATHEN. iii. p. 91.

326.

Some Thracian dinner-parties indulge in a pecu- liar amusement, playing at hanging. They let down a noose at a certain height, -and place directly under it a stone which easily turns round when any one steps on it. Lots are then drawn, and the winner has to mount the stone and put his head in the noose, holding in his hand a curved knife. Then some one passes and jogs the stone, and the unhappy adventurer is left hanging. Unless he instantly cuts the noose, he is a dead

96 GREEK WIT.

man. When such an event happens, the others laugh, and think it great fun.

ATHEN. iv. p. 155.

Cambyses, having taken prisoner the Egyptian king, Psammenitus, adopted the following ex- pedient to try his disposition. He dressed the king's daughter as a slave, and made her p*ass in a procession with other young ladies of rank in the same attire, before the eyes of their parents. All of these, except the king himself, bewailed the sad fate of their daughters ; but he merely held down his head, and said nothing. Then his son was led past him with a rope round his neck, in company with many other youths, to be executed; but the same silence was observed by him, though the other Egyptians bewailed the young men's fate. Shortly after this, it happened that an old friend and companion, reduced to poverty and in the garb of a beggar, came up to the king, who broke out into tears and lamentations at the sad sight. "How is this," inquired Cambyses, "that you show more grief for a friend in distress than for a son going to execution ? " " Son of Cyrus,"

GREEK WIT. 97

replied he, "my own woes were too great for tears. These were more suited to the case of a friend who has fallen in his old age into poverty after great prosperity. " Cambyses was so pleased with the unselfish reply, that he gave immediate orders to spare the life of the youth ; but he had just been executed. HEROD, iii. 14.

328.

The same Cambyses sent envoys to the Ethio- pians, bringing presents of great value, purple robes, gold chains and collars, perfumery, and palm- wine. The Ethiopian king took one of the garments and examined it. "What's this," he asked, " and how was it made ? " " With precious dye," they replied. " Dye, you call it? I say that both it and you are shams ! What about this neck- chain? Why, I have much stronger chains than that! Then this sweet stuff?" — "A precious compound, your majesty." "Sham again," he exclaimed. "But I like your wine. What does your king, now, eat, and how many years does a Persian live ? " "He eats bread, made of different kinds of corn ; and the longest life is about eighty years." "No wonder," said he, "they are so short-lived, if they feed on dung! They couldn't H

98 GREEK WIT

live as long as that without this good liquor, in which, I admit, you Persians beat us hollow ! " HEROD, iii. 22.

329.

The same Cambyses was baiting a lion's whelp with a young dog, his queen being present and looking on. The dog getting the worst of it, its brother suddenly broke its chain, and rushed to its assistance ; and the two together soon worried the lion. Cambyses was delighted, but the queen shed tears. "What now?" he asked. "Ah, sir !" she replied, "when my poor brother Smerdis was put to death by you, he had no brother to help him ! " Cambyses, who was half a madman, put her to death for saying this. Ibid. 32.

330.

The same story is differently told by the Egyp- tians. They say that, being seated at table with his wife, he was asked whether a lettuce, which she held in her hand, and had stripped of its outer leaves, looked better with the leaves pulled off or left on. "I prefer it with the leaves on," he re- plied. "But you," said she, "imitated the let- tuce stripped, when you left bare the house of your

GREEK WIT. 99

father Cyrus. " In his rage he kicked her, which caused her death through a miscarriage.

HEROD, iii. 32.

331.

The same once asked a confidential friend called Praxaspes what the Persians thought of him and said of him? " Sir," he replied, "they praise you highly in everything, except that you are rather too fond of wine." " Oh ! " said he, " they say that now, do they ? Why, they used to say that I was a better man than my father ! " Croesus, who was present, remarked, by way of soothing him, " I think, sir, that you are not like your father in one ^ respect ; you have not yet such a son to leave be- hind you as Cyrus- had in you." Upon this the king turned to Praxaspes, and said, "Now you shall see whether the Persians are right or wrong in saying I have lost my senses. If I hit your son, standing there, in the heart with this arrow, then the Persians will be proved to be wrong ; but if I miss, they may call me a fool." He drew his bow, and the boy fell. " Cut him open," said the king. " See ! the arrow is in his heart ! Now, Praxaspes," he added with a laugh, "you see it is not I, but the Persians who are out of their senses.

ioo GREEK WIT.

Did you ever see such a good shot ? " Praxaspes, seeing the man was mad, and being afraid for his own life, replied : " Sir, I don't think Apollo him- self could have hit the mark as well ! "

HEROD, iii. 34, 35.

332.

Darius once asked some Greeks what they would take to eat their own fathers when they died ? Nothing, they said, would induce them to do so ! Thereupon he asked certain Indians, who follow this custom, and whose answer was made known to the same Greeks by an interpreter, what they would take to burn their fathers when they died ? They, shocked at such a proposal, exclaimed, " Say it not!" Thus custom is everything, and Pindar was right in calling it the universal ruler.

Ibid. 38.

333-

The Spartans were so fond of short "Laconic " speeches, that when certain Samians, wishing to be very concise, came in a time of need, and hold- ing up an empty sack, said in assembly, "Bag wants flour," they replied, "Why waste a word? You might have held up the bag, and said, " ll'ants

GREEK WIT. 101

flour ! " However, they gave them the aid asked for. HEROD, iii. 46.

334-

Darius, having put his ankle out of joint, suffered great pain from unskilful treatment till he was cured by one Democedes of Crotona, who was then in slavery. In gratitude, Darius presented him with two pairs of gold chains. " What ! " said he, " am I to have double bondage for making you well?" Ibid. 130.

335-

Maeandrius, governor of Samos, having escaped with his treasure to Sparta, adopted the following device to win the confidence of Cleomenes the king. He had gold and silver goblets set in array, and told the servants to let themselves be seen polish- ing them. Then, engaging in conversation with Cleomenes, he would beg him to walk in. When the king expressed his admiration of the goblets, Maeandrius said, " Pray take for yourself as many of them as you please." Not liking to accept them himself, and fearing he might get into trouble if he made a present of them to any of the citizens, Cleomenes went to the ephors and said to them : " I think this stranger from Samos had better

102 GREEK WIT.

leave the city, lest he make either myself or some other of the burghers dishonest."

HEROD, iii. 148. 336.

Etearchus was king of the city Axus in Crete. Having married a second time, he was persuaded by the step-mother to persecute and wrongly ac- cuse his daughter by a former wife, by name Prudence. Accordingly, he binds by a solemn oath one Themiso, a merchant of Thera, to carry out any request he might make ; and his promise being obtained, he said to him, " Sink Miss Prudence in the sea ! " Themiso, resolved to keep his oath to the letter, took her out in a boat, tied a rope round her waist, and ducked her in the sea. But he pulled her up again, and they went off together to Thera ! HEROD, iv. 154.

337-

The Trausi, a people of Thrace, have a peculiar custom in the event of births and deaths. When a child is born, the relations sit round it and be- wail the many miseries it has been born to endure ; but when anyone dies, they bury him with mirth and delight, because he is released from so many ills, and is now quite happy. Ibid. v. 4.

GREEK WIT. 103

Aristagoras, desiring a private conference with King Cleomenes on a matter of great importance, requested the young princess, who was about eight years of age, to withdraw. "Let her stay," said Cleomenes, "you need not stop on her account." Then Aristagoras began to offer the king large sums of money to induce him to join in invading the capital of the Persian empire. As the offer rose from ten to fifty talents, the child exclaimed, " Father, if you don't get up and go, this stranger will bribe you." Pleased at the child's remark, the king at once went into another room, and Aristagoras gave up all hope of winning Sparta to the cause. HEROD, v. 51.

338.

It was a saying of Cato the Elder, "Those magistrates who can prevent crime, and do not, in effect encourage it."

PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Cat. Maj. 5.

339-

The same used to say that old age had evils enough of its own, without adding that of the shame resulting from vice. Ibid. 15.

io4 CREEK WIT.

340.

The same declared that a man in a rage differed from a madman only in the duration of the malady. PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Cat. Maj. 16.

341.

The same told the young men, m praising moral influence, and to encourage them to fight bravely, that " as Reason had more weight than the Sword, so an adversary was put to flight by the voice more than by the hand." Ibid. 23.

342.

The younger Scipio, on being appointed Censor, degraded a young man from the equestrian rank, because at a grand dinner given by him during the war with Carthage, he had made a representation of the city in pastry, and put it on the table for the guests to pull to pieces. On asking the reason of the sentence, the youth received from Scipio this reply: "It is because you looted Carthage before I have done so." Ibid. Scip. Min. II.

343-

The same, when a young man showed him a shield that was very handsomely decorated, said to

GREEK WIT. 105

him : " Yes, 'tis a very pretty shield ; but a Roman should carry his hopes in his right hand rather than in his left." PLUT. Ibid. Scip. Min. 18.

344-

When the rioters in the party of Caius Gracchus called out " Kill the tyrant !" Scipio said : "No wonder that the enemies of their country would fain kill me first, for as Rome cannot fall while Scipio stands, so Scipio cannot live if Rome falls."

Ibid. 23. 345-

Caecilius Metellus, being advised to attack a strong position, which he was assured could be taken with the loss of only ten men, replied, " I will, if you will be one of the ten."

Ibid. CCEC. Met. I. 346.

The same, when a young officer inquired what were his plans, replied, " If I thought this waist- coat of mine knew my secrets, I would take it off and burn it." Ibid. 2.

347-

The same, though at variance with Scipio in his lifetime, was afflicted at his death, and desired his sons to take part in his funeral. " And thank the

io6 GREEK WIT.

gods," he added, "that other nations had not a Scipio." PLUTARCH, Ibid. Ccec. Met. 3.

348.

Caius Marius, when encamped near a host of Teutons, in a place without water, pointed out a stream close to the enemy's rampart, and said : "You will have to get your drink there, and to purchase it with blood." "Then," said the men, "lead us to the spot while our blood is still liquid, and not yet congealed by thirst. "

Ibid. Marius, 4. 349-

The same, having presented a thousand men of Camarina with the citizenship in reward of their valour in the war against the Cimbri, said to those who objected to the act as illegal, that " he could not hear the laws through the din of arms."

Ibid. 5. 35°-

In the same war, Lutatius Catulus, finding it impossible to rally his men, who were flying before the advance of the barbarians, rushed to the front, that he might seem to the enemy to be leading troops who were really in headlong flight.

Ibid. Lut. Cat.

GREEK WIT. 107

351.

When Lucullus, after his services in the East, had given himself up to luxury and indulgence, and was blaming Pompey the Great for being too aspiring for his age, the latter remarked, "It is more unsuited to old age to be luxurious, than to youth to be a commander. "

PLUT. Ibid. Cn. Pomp. 10.

352.

Pompey, being indisposed, was ordered by his physician to have a fieldfare for his dinner. As these birds were out of season, some one said, " Lucullus keeps fieldfares all the year round ; ask him. " ' ' What ? " said the patient, " shall it be said that Pompey would not have been alive if Lucullus had not been a glutton ? Never mind the doctor ; I'll take something that is easily to be had." Ibid. 11.

353-

Cleomenes, king of Sparta, went to the island of ^Egina to arrest certain parties who had been guilty of betraying Greece to the Persians. In this attempt he was opposed by a man called Crius (Ram), who declared he should not carry off as

io8 GREEK WIT.

prisoner any .^Lginetan. On leaving the island accordingly, the king asked him his name, and on learning it, exclaimed, ' ' Then, Mr. Ram, put brass on your horns, for there is mischief in store for you." HEROD, vi. 50.

354-

Croesus, having received important services from Alcmaeon, the son of Megacles, sent for him to Sardis, and by way of reward, gave him leave to take "as much gold as he could carry off on his person in one visit to the treasury." Alcmseon accordingly put on a loose jacket with very wide pockets, and a pair of the very largest boots he could find. Then he set to work at a heap of gold- dust, and first he stuffed his boots and then crammed his pockets with gold ; next, he powdered his hair all over with it, and lastly, he filled his mouth as full as it could be. When Croesus saw him coming out of the treasury looking like any- thing rather than a human being, he laughed, and made him a present of as much more.

HEROD, vi. 125.

355- Cicero used to say that some orators take to

GREEK WIT. 109

bawling for the same reason that makes lame people take to horses — from infirmity.

PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Cic. 3.

356.

The same, when one Nepos told him he had caused the death of more by his testimony than he had ever saved by his advocacy, replied, " That is because my credit exceeds my eloquence. "

Ibid. 5.

357-

When one Nonius told Pompey, after the defeat at Pharsalus, to take heart, for that there were still seven eagles with them, Cicero observed, "That would be good advice, if we were but fighting with jackdaws." Ibid. 19.

358.

Slander is a most serious evil ; it implies two who do a wrong, and one who is doubly wronged. The-slanderer does a wrong in accusing one who is not present, and the listener also does a wrong in believing the charge without any full knowledge. Again, the person slandered, not being present when the accusation is brought against him, is

no GREEK WIT.

wronged first in being maligned by one, and next in being believed by the other to be bad.

HEROD, vii. 10. 359-

A rich snob came to Athens, and made himself conspicuous by the number of his attendants, his fine clothes, and his jewellery, which he imagined would excite the envy of the beholders. Unwilling to impose any restraint on him in a free State, they resolved to banter him, and so make him ashamed of his conceit. So whenever in the baths or the wrestling-schools he elbowed them with his crowd of servants, some one would remark, — not speak- ing to him, but at him, — "I am afraid of getting killed in bathing, though there is peace in the bath-room ; I don't see why we want a regiment of soldiers here." Another, remarking on his richly-dyed clothes, would say, " Spring flowers are coming now." — "Whence came this peacock?" — " Perhaps these are his mamma's dresses." The like jokes were made at his gold ring, and the cut of his hair, and the extravagance of his daily life ; so that he left Athens a wiser man by having such lessons read to him in public.

LUCIAN, Nigrin. i. p. 52.

GREEK WIT. in

360.

Megabyzus, being at Byzantium, was told that the people of Calchedon on the opposite coast had settled there seventeen years before. "Then," said he, "they must have been blind at the time," — the site of Byzantium being so much more beautiful. HEROD, iv. 144.

361.

Xerxes, in his progress through upper Greece, was so expensively entertained that private indi- viduals were ruined by it, and even States could hardly bear the cost of the daily dinners. Mega- creon, a citizen of Abdera, wittily advised the people to make a public supplication in their temples, that the gods might avert in future at least half of the threatened expense ; and to render thanks for past mercies, that the king required only one meal a day, — "for," says he, " if we had to give him a breakfast as well, we must either leave the city, or stay and be ruined." Ibid. vii. 120.

362.

Xerxes, on being shown the narrow rocky ravine through which the Peneus discharges itself into the sea from the plain of Thessaly, remarked

ii2 GREEK WIT.

that " the Thessalians had shown themselves wise in submitting to him in time, since he now saw that they occupied a country so easy to capture." For he had only to dam up the river, and the whole plain would be under water.

HEROD, vii. 130.

363.

When Darius had sent messengers to' Athens and Sparta, demanding ' ' earth and water " in token of submission, the Spartans flung them into the pit into which malefactors were thrown, and the Athenians thrust them into a water-tank, telling them to take earth and water from thence to the king. Ibid. 133.

364-

Xerxes, when he was at Abydos, saw ships laden with corn sailing from the Pontus down the Hellespont to yEgina and the Peloponnese. His advisers, regarding them as enemies' ships, wished to capture them, and waited for the signal. But Xerxes asked, "What is their destination ? " "To carry corn to your enemies," was the reply. " And are not we" he asked, " sailing there too? What wrong are these men doing us in taking corn there for our use 1 " Ibid. 147.

GREEK ll'IT. 113

365.

Artemisia, queen of Halicarnassus, who com- manded a fleet on the side of Xerxes at Salamis, was hotly pursued by an Attic trireme. To escape capture, she made a sudden dash at a friendly galley, and sank it ; and the pursuer, supposing she must be righting for the Greeks, allowed her to escape. When Xerxes saw the bold exploit, he exclaimed, "My men have proved themselves women, and my women men." HEROD, viii. 88.

366.

Perdiccas, a refugee from Argos, lived as a serf, feeding sheep for a king in Upper Macedon. A prodigy having occurred, which seemed to the king to portend his future greatness, Perdiccas was ordered to leave his service. This he consented to do on receipt of his pay. " Pay ! " said the king ; " Take that gold coin in the sky ; it is about what you deserve." So saying, he pointed to the sun which was shining into the room through a hole in the roof. "That will do," said the youth, who immediately drew a circle with his knife on the floor to represent the sun's outline, and bathing himself thrice in the sunlight, he departed. But I

n4 GREEK WIT.

the omen of possession was fulfilled in his becoming afterwards king of Macedonia. HEROD, viii. 137.

367.

Xerxes, when he fled from Greece, left Mardo- nius all his costly dinner-service of plate. Pau- sanias, aware of this, ordered the cooks, after the death of Mardonius at Plataea, to prepare a dinner precisely as they would have done for Mar- donius. When this was ready, and the divans and gold and silver tables had been duly set out, he told his own servants to prepare a Spartan dinner. Laughing heartily at the contrast, he called his generals and said, ' ' Gentlemen, I wished to point out to you the folly of this Persian general, who with all this grandeur came to rob you of your miserable meal." Ibid. ix. 82.

368.

Stratonicus the harp-player was invited to enter a house with open doors. At first he was de- lighted at the hospitality shown him, as being a stranger to the place, and he complimented the host on his liberality in placing everything in the house at the disposal of his guests. But seeing one

CREEK WIT. 115

after another enter, and the house open to all who chose to lodge there, he said at last to his servant : " Let us go, boy : we have caught the wrong bird. I'm afraid this is not a private house, but an inn." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 14.

369.

One Zoilus, of Amphipolis, a pupil of Poly- crates, was an ill-conditioned and cynical fellow, who took pleasure in always abusing people. Being asked by a well-educated man, why he spoke evil of every one, he replied, "Because I cannot do them evil, much as I should like it."

Ibid. xi. 10.

370.

Alcibiades took pride in sending many hand- some presents to his friend Socrates. Xanthippe was delighted with them, and begged him to take them. "No!" said he; "let us show him onr pride in contrast to his, by not accepting them."

Ibid. 29.

371-

On one occasion Alcibiades sent Socrates a large and beautifully made cake. Xanthippe, who was rather jealous of the giver, took it out of the

xi6 GREEK WIT.

basket and stamped upon it. Socrates only smiled, and said, " Now, my dear, you will not get a slice of it any more than I. "

AELIAN, Var. Hist. xi. 12.

372.

Anaxarchus, being on an expedition with Alexander in very cold weather, and foreseeing that the camp would be pitched in a spot where there was no fire-wood, threw away his camp- furniture and loaded the bearers with faggots. On arriving at the end of the march, Alexander, in order to warm himself, made a bonfire of his sofas. Being told that Anaxarchus had a good fire going, he went there, and anointed himself in the warm tent. When informed of the precaution that had been taken, he was greatly pleased, and gave Anaxarchus, in return for the use of his fire, double the value of the things he had thrown away, be- sides other garments and furniture. Ibid. ix. 30.

373-

Socrates, observing that Antisthenes always made a torn part of his mantle very conspicuous, said, " Do stop displaying those fine clothes of yours to us." Ibid. 35.

GREEK WIT. 117

374-

A gluttonous man stopped at a shop where some fish was being cooked, and for a time regaled him- self with the savoury smell. At last, feeling hungry, and unable to resist the desire, he told his servant to go in and buy it. But the price asked, he was informed, was high. "Then," he said, " the taste will be all the sweeter."

AELIAN, Var. Hist. x. 9.

375-

Eurydamas of Cyrene won the prize in a boxing - match. When his teeth had been knocked out by his antagonist, he swallowed them to conceal from him the injury he had received. Ibid. x. 19.

376.

A celebrated courtesan once said to Socrates, " I have more influence than you j I can draw away all your followers if I please, but you can win over none of mine." " Perhaps so," said the philosopher ; " you lead them all down hill, whereas I make them climb the steep ascent to the temple of Virtue, a road which is familiar to few."

Ibid. xiii. 31.

n8 GREEK WIT.

377-

Polyclitus the sculptor made two statues of the same subject — one to please the multitude, the other according to the strict rules of art. In the former, he would make any alteration that was suggested by visitors as "an improvement." When both statues were exhibited together, the one was ridiculed, the other highly praised and admired by all. "This, gentlemen," said he, ' ' which you find so much fault with, is your work. The other is mine." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 8.

378.

Socrates used to say, " Archelaus, king of Macedonia, has spent two thousand pounds in having his house adorned by the painter Zeuxis, but nothing whatever on adorning himself. There- fore, though many come from far to see the house, no one makes a journey to Macedonia to see Archelaus himself. Those who do go are attracted by his wealth ; but that is not the bait by which sensible men are caught. " Ibid. 17.

379- Timandridas, a Spartan, in scolding his son for

GREEK ll'IT. 119

having laid by money in his absence from home, instead of spending his income in the service of the gods and his friends, observed that "there is nothing on earth so discreditable as to seem poor in one's life, and to be found very rich when one is dead." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 32.

380.

Diogenes was taking his breakfast in a small shop, when he saw Demosthenes pass, and called to him. As the latter took no notice, he said to him, "So you are ashamed to be seen in a shop, are you ? Why, your master, the common people, comes here every day." Ibid. ix. 19.

381.

Pittacus used to praise working at a mill, be- cause it allowed many changes of exercise in a small space. Ibid. vii. 4.

382.

A certain man, not fond of athletics, said he would not send his slave to the mill for punish- ment, but make him sit out the games at Olympia in the full heat of the sun. Ibid.

120 GREEK WIT.

383.

Aristotle, when he left Athens for fear of being prosecuted, said to one who asked him the cause of his departure, " Because I do not wish the Athenians to make two mistakes about Philoso- phy " — referring to the death of Socrates.

AELIAN, Var. Hist. iii. 36.

384-

The Carthaginians put two helmsmen into each ship, saying that it was absurd to have two steer- ing-paddles in the stern, while there was only one to command the ship, and that the person who was most important to all on board should have no one to share in his duties or to take his place.

Ibid. ix. 40. 385.

Gorgo, when her father, King Cleomenes, told her to give a certain quantity of bread to a person because he had taught him how to make his wine good, replied, "Then, father, more wine will be drunk, and the drinkers will be the more hard to please, and therefore morally the worse for it." PLUT. Lac. Ap., Gorg. 2.

386. Nicostratus the harper had a dispute with Lao-

GREEK WIT. lax

dicus, a vocalist. " You," he said, "are small in a great art, and I am great in a small one."

AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 2.

387.

Socrates, poor as he was, was taunted by Dio- genes as a luxurious man; "for you have a cot- tage," he said, " and a truck-bed, and sometimes, when you dine out, you put on a pair of shoes."

Ibid. II. 388.

Zeuxis, having painted a portrait of Helen, exhibited it at a certain fixed charge, without the payment of which none were allowed to visit her. To tease him for his meanness, the Greeks called his picture " The Courtesan." Ibid. 12.

389.

Epicurus used to say, "A man who is not con- tent with a little, is content with nothing."

Ibid. 13. 390.

Aristotle, wishing to cure Alexander of his hasty temper, which he was apt to display to many, wrote thus : "Anger is an emotion that is not felt

122 GREEK H'lT.

towards inferiors, but rather against superiors. As you have no equal, there can be no fit object of your wrath." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xii. 54.

Socrates, observing that Alcibiades was very proud of his estate, showed him a map of the world, and bade him point out Attica. When he had found it, he told him further "to look for his own fields." " They are not marked here," said Alcibiades. "Then," said the philosopher, "you need not be so conceited about lands which form no part of the earth." Ibid. iii. 28.

392-

Archytas used to say, " It' is as hard to find a man without guile, as a fish without a backbone. "

Ibid. x. 12.

393-

A man of Sybaris, accompanying his pupil, severely reproved him for picking up a fig he had found on the road. " You are a naughty, greedy boy," he said, as he snatched it out of his hand, and — ate it himself. Ibid. xiv. 20.

GREEK WIT. 123

394-

Farrhasius, the painter, was defeated in a con- test at Samos by a rival artist but little inferior in skill. The subject was inscribed, Ajax contending li'ifh Ulysses for the arms of Achilles. When one of his friends condoled with him, he replied, "I care little for being beaten myself, but I do sym- pathize with the son of Telamon for failing twice in the same cause." AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. II.

395-

Some one was blaming a Laconian for giving way to excessive grief. " It is not my fault," says he ; "my nature has a leak in it." Ibid. 27.

396-

When Alexander was at Ilium, some one showed him, as a curiosity, Paris' s lute. " I would rather see the lute of Achilles," said he. For the one had been used for effeminate love-songs, the other for manly and chivalrous lays. Ibid. 38.

397-

Plato was lodging at Olympia with some strangers, and delighted them with his affability and conversation. He said not a word about the

i24 GREEK WIT.

Academy, nor about Socrates, but only told them that his name was Plato. When they paid him a visit at Athens, he received them in so friendly a way that they were encouraged to say, " Now do let us see your namesake, the great associate of Socrates ; take us to the Academy that we may have the honour and benefit of hearing him lecture." With his wonted smile, he replied, " I am he." They were quite amazed to find him so simple and good-natured, and able to win friends and admirers without the customary course of arguing with them. AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 9.

398.

An architect called Stasicrates, a man of grand conceptions, and with a mind superior to painted or sculptured portraits, once came to Alexander the Great, and proposed to cut Mount Athos into a giant likeness of the king, holding in one hand a city of ten thousand inhabitants, in the other a bowl from which a river should cascade, as if he were pouring a libation into the sea ! " It is a bold idea," said Alexander, " but pray let Mount Athos alone. It is quite enough that it should record the follies of one king. The Caucasus, the mountains

GREEK WIT. 125

of India, the river Tanais, and the Caspian sea, shall be so many portraits, not of me, but of my deeds." PLUTARCH, De Alex. Virtut. Or. ii. 2.

399-

Epicurus used to say, ** Give me a little flour and water, and I will compete with Jupiter himself for happiness." AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 13.

400.

Archilochus said that money was like a hedge- hog (or sea-urchin), — not very hard to catch, but very difficult to keep in one's grasp. Ibid. 14.

401.

Themistocles, when walking, happened to find a golden collar belonging to some Persian. ' ' Here's a godsend !" he said to his slave. " Pick it up, boy ; you are not Themistocles." Ibid. xiii. 39.

402.

When the Argives had made alliance with the Thebans, certain envoys from Athens came to com- plain of both, and taunted the Argives with having had a matricide, and the Thebans a parricide, among their citizens. Upon which Epaminondas rose and said : " It is very true ; but there is this

126 GREEK WIT.

difference : we Thebans turned out CEdipus, while you Athenians gave a refuge to Orestes."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. A p., Epam. 15.

403.

Alcibiades, when about to be tried by his countrymen on a capital charge, absconded, re- marking that it was absurd, when a suit lay against a man, to seek to get off, when he might as easily get away ! Ibid. Alcib. 5.

404.

Homer had been warned by an oracle that he would die in the island los, and "to beware of a riddle of young men." It so happened that he was sitting one day on the shore of that island, watching some fishermen, to whom he addressed the question in verse, "Have we got anything?" One of them replied, in a similar verse, ' ' What we catch, we leave ; what we don't catch, we cariy away." Homer, not perceiving that the man re- ferred in joke to the catching and killing of fleas upon them, and thinking this must be the " riddle" meant, went moodily away, tumbled over a stone, and died on the third day !

PROCLUS, Chrestom. A. 2.

GREEK WIT, 127

405.

An old teacher of philosophy claimed payment from one of his pupils for instruction. The uncle of the youth, who had no great love for philosophy, argued that he had no cause for complaint, since the wares he had sold — a few words only — were still in his possession, and his property had been in no way diminished. " Besides," said he, "you have not taught him. My nephew is the greatest scamp in the neighbourhood!" "Perhaps so," said the other, "but if he had not come to me he would have been still worse. My charge, therefore, is for the evil he has not done through the respect he has imbibed for philosophy, though he may not practise it." LUCIAN, Hermotim. i. p. 825.

406.

One Thesmopolis, a Stoic, was on a journey in company with a rich and affected lady of rank, who made a special and urgent request to him : "Do, as you are so kind and careful, take my dear little dog Myrtle into the carriage, and look after her, and see that she wants nothing ! The poor thing is with pup, and these good for-nothing servants of mine -von"1/ attend to her, nor indeed even to their

i28 GREEK Jl'fT.

own mistress, on journeys. So pray be very kind to my sweetest and most precious little pet !" The philosopher, anxious to oblige, complied with so earnest an entreaty. ' ' Myrtle " was snugly ensconced under his mantle, put her head out from under his huge beard, and licked his face and whined ; finally (after certain little mishaps), it gave birth to puppies under shelter of the cloak! So the joke was bandied about against Thesmopolis that he had turned Cynic instead of Stoic.

LUCIAN, De Merced. Conduct, i. p. 692.

THE END.

CHISWICK PRESS: — CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND co.

TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

GREEK WIT.

GREEK WIT

A COLLECTION OF

SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES

TRANSLATED FROM GREEK

PROSE WRITERS

BY F. A. PALEY, M.A.

EDITOR OF MARTIAL'S EPIGRAMS ETC SECOND SERIES

LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN

iSSi

CHISWICK PRESS:— c. WHITTINGHAM AND co.

TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

NOTICE.

MY little volume of "Greek Wit," though it has been received with mixed praise and blame, yet has met with sufficient success to j ustify the Publishers in issuing a second series, which was conditionally promised, and which, it is be- lieved, will be found on the whole to contain a better collection of "Sayings" than the former volume.

The truth seems to be, that some who had ex- pected, from the title, a "funny" book — a mere collection of light jokes — were a little disappointed. I had taken care to point out the difference between fun and -wit, and had also noticed the apparent want of capacity in some persons for really appre- ciating either the one or the other. To such, of course, books of this kind will always seem more or less dull. There are others who can see the wit or the point of a few anecdotes, but not of the majority. Not unnaturally, both these regard the selection as

vi NOTICE.

" rather a poor one on the whole ; " and they think, no doubt (and rightly, according to their own stan- dard), that a good many might be struck out alto- gether, and that better, z'.<?., some others more amusing to them, could easily be substituted.

Two things are to be considered in estimating Greek wit ; first, that it conies to us under some disadvantage in translation ; secondly, that what was wit to a Greek has not necessarily the same degree of cleverness or originality to us ; and therefore it is apt to seem what is called " poor wit." The collection of nearly 800 sayings and anecdotes in this little work — and to get toge- ther so many from the voluminous extant writings of the Greeks was impossible without much labour — contains an immense amount of prac- tical good sense and of real wisdom, often very interesting from its identity with and its anticipa- tion of our recognized code of justice and mo- rality. It is therefore quite as much for their wisdom as for their wit — albeit the words are etymologically the same — that these sayings have a claim to be appreciated. There is much in them that is well fitted for quotation even in the pulpit and in the senate.

NOTICE. vii

I believe by far the larger part of the contents of these two volumes is quite unknown to ordinary readers, whose acquaintance with Greek literature seldom exceeds the limits of school or university reading. From Plutarch and Lucian alone an ample gleaning is still to be made, and there are several authors from whom nothing has here been taken. I think I could engage to select materials even for a third series, if I had the time to ran- sack all the works of the later Greek writers. But such a work, if worth performing, must be left to others.

A very considerable portion of the anecdotes in the present volume are taken from Diogenes Laertius, whose "Lives of the Philosophers," in ten books, are less read than they deserve to be. Athenseus and Stobaeus have pretty largely con- tributed ; Plutarch's "Lives" have also been read through with the same object in view, but to the exclusion of sayings of illustrious Romans, as not strictly falling under the title of "Greek Wit." The extensive and very varied "Opera Moralia" of Plutarch would doubtless have fur- nished a good number of stories ; but the task of going through them for this purpose alone was

viii NOTICE.

too serious for me to undertake, much as I regret the inevitable omission.

Many anecdotes about Socrates are now, I think, for the first time made accessible to Eng- lish readers. Diogenes the Cynic will also be a new acquaintance to many.

I have to thank many Reviewers for kind notices of the former series. The vanity of an author was flattered by the appearance, immediately after pub- lication, of a leading article upon it in one of the principal daily journals. Not that that review was altogether favourable to the character and estimate I had formed of " Greek Wit ; " and perhaps the real object of it was to show that Greek cleverness was considerably over-rated. Nevertheless, ex- perience has shown that the work has been read by a good many ; and this encourages me to hope that this volume will prove not less popular than its predecessor.

LONDON, J^^?y, 1881.

GREEK WIT.

I.

"\7 ANTHIPPE was such a shrew that she once • * pulled Socrates' mantle off his back in the public square. " Why don't you repel force vviih force ? " asked his friends. " What ! " replied he, "that we may have a boxing-match, and each of you may call out, Go it, Socrates! or Go it, Xan- thippe!" DIOGENES LAERTIUS, ii. 5, 37.

2.

When Lysias the orator had written a defence of Socrates, the philosopher read it through, and re- marked, " It is a fine speech, but not suited to me. " " How can that be ? " asked Lysias. " Why," re- plied he, "in the very same way as fine clothes or fine shoes would not suit me." There was too much learned law and too little philosophy in it.

Ibid. 40.

3- Diogenes the Cynic was washing some vegetables,

2 GREEK WIT.

when he saw Aristippus pass. Says the Cynic, " If you had learnt to clean cabbages you would not have been a courtier in the halls of the great." "And if you," retorted the other, " had learnt how to associate with your fellow men, you would not now have been cleaning cabbages. "

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 8, 68.

4-

Aristippus, being once asked, what is the use of being a philosopher, replied, " If all laws are abo- lished, we shall go on living just as we now do."

Ibid. 5-

The same being once asked by Dionysius, why philosophers frequent the houses of the rich, but when men get rich they no longer com.e to the philosophers, replied : ' ' The one understands what he needs ; the other has no idea of his own deficiency." Ibid. 69.

6.

The same, when someone remarked that "he always saw philosophers at rich men's doors," re- joined, "And so you see physicians at sick men's doors ; but one would not therefore rather be a patient than a doctor." Ibid. 70.

GREEK WIT. 3

7-

The same, when someone was boasting of his skill in diving, said, "Are you not ashamed at boasting of what any dolphin can do ? "

DIOG. LAEJRT. Ibid. 73,

8.

Aristippus once asked Dionysius for some money. " I thought," said he, " a philosopher never felt the want of it." " We will discuss that point,," replied Aristippus, "after you have given what I ask." When Dionysius had given it, he said, "You see now, I have not felt the want of money,"

Ibid. 82. 9-

Theodorus went to a hierophant called Eury- clides, and asked him who those were who were said to "profane the mysteries." "Those," he replied, "who explain them to the uninitiated." " Then you are profane," he replied ; " for /have never been initiated." Ibid. 101.

Demetrius the philosopher said, " WThat the Sword is in war, that Reason is in governments." DIOG. LAERT. v. 5, 82.

4 GREEK WIT.

II.

The same used to say of conceited men, that " Something should be taken off from their height, but whatever sense they may possess should be left untouched." DIOG. LAERT. v. 5, 82.

12.

The same remarked that young men should show respect to their parents at home, to strangers in the highway, and to themselves in retirement.

Ibid. 13-

Antisthenes, when a young man who desired to hear his lectures asked him what he should bring, replied, "Six things : a copy-book and sense, a pen and sense, and your short-hand tablets and sense." Ibid. vi. I, 3.

14.

The same, when told that Plato had been speak- ing ill of him, observed, "Kings often do welly and yet evil is spoken of them. " Ibid.

The same, when asked why he had so few pupils, replied, ' ' Because I drive them out with a silver wand " (by charging a fee). Ibid.

GREEK WIT. 5

1 6.

Diogenes rubbed some fragrant essence on his feet. " If you anoint your head," he observed, " the fragrance goes off into the air and is wasted, but if your feet, the scent ascends and gives a treat to the nostrils." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 39.

17-

The Athenians urged Diogenes to be initiated in the Mysteries. " You'll hold a higher place in the other world," said they. " What ! " he replied, " are such men as Agesilaus and Epaminondas to pass their existence in the mud down there, while some nobodies are in the Isles of the Blest just be- cause they have been initiated ? " Ibid.

1 8.

Diogenes on coming out of a bath, was asked, " Are there many men inside ? " " No," said he. " Well, but are there a lot of people ? " " Yes," he

replied. Ibid. 40.

19.

Plato defined, with the approval of his hearers, a human being as "a wingless biped." Diogenes pulled the feathers off a cock, and brought it into the school. " Here's Plato's man" said he. This

6 GREEK WIT,

joke made Plato add to the definition, " A crea- ture with flat nails." DiOG. LAERT. Ibid.

20.

Antisthenes secretly disliked Plato, and once paid him a visit when he was ill. Seeing that he had just been very sick, he said, "Ah ! I see there is some bile there. But I don't see any of his affectation." DIOG. LAERT. vi. I, 7.

21.

The same once ironically advised the Athenians to pass a public vote that asses were horses. When that seemed to them rather unreasonable, he said, ' ' But you make men generals by a public vote, who have no military qualities." Ibid.

22.

The same, when a young fellow was boasting how rich he should be when a cargo of salt fish arrived from the Pontus, and what attentions he would then pay him, took him to a dealer in flour with an empty meal-bag, filled it to the brim, and was going away, when he was asked for the money. "This young gentleman will pay for it," he says, " when his cargo of salt fish comes in." Ibid. 9.

GREEK WIT. 7

23-

Diogenes the Cynic used to say, that when in the course of his life he saw pilots, physicians, and philo- sophers, he was disposed to regard man as the most intelligent of beings ; but when, on the other hand, he saw people professing to interpret dreams, and seers, and fools listening to them, or persons vain of their reputation or their wealth, he thought there was nothing so devoid of reason as man.

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2. 24.

24.

One day, when he happened to be eating figs, Diogenes met Plato, and said, "You may have some of these." Plato accordingly took some and ate them. "No!" exclaimed he, " I said have them ; I didn't say you might eat them."

Ibid. 25.

25.

An acquaintance once came with a complaint to Antisthenes, that "he had lost the notes he had taken of his lecture." " Then," said the philoso- pher, "you should have written them on the tab- lets of your memory." DIOG. LAERT. vi. i. 5.

8 GREEK WIT.

26.

The same, hearing himself praised by some un- principled men, observed, " I am very much afraid I have done something wrong."

DIOG. LAERT. vi. i, 5.

27.

The same used to say, "A man should make such provision for his voyage through life, that even if he is shipwrecked, it may be solid enough to go

down with him." Ibid.

28.

The same, when asked what good he had got from philosophy, replied, "The power to keep myself

company." Ibid.

29.

Stilpo, the philosopher of Megara, was accused of impiety before the Areopagus, for denying the divinity of the Athena made by Pheidias. " Is Athena, the offspring of Zeus, divine ? " he asked. "Certainly," was the reply. "Then," said he, "the Athena created by Pheidias is not divine." Being prosecuted for this, he ingeniously pleaded a quibble, — he had not denied she was a god- dess, but a god (the same in Greek). At which some wag asked, " How could he be sure of the

GREEK WIT. 9

sex of the statue ? " Nevertheless, the judges con- demned him to be banished from the city.

Dioc. LAERT. ii. 12, 116.

30-

The same, when Crates had asked him whether the gods really take pleasure in prayers and the worship of men, replied, ' ' Don't ask such ques- tions in the public road, but in private."

Ibid. 117.

31.

The same, when hearing a lecture from Crates, ran off in the middle of it to buy fish. " So you leave the subject, do you?" asked the lecturer. " Not at all, my dear Sir," he replied ; " it is you I leave ; the subject will wait my return, but the fish will be sold ! " Ibid. 1 19.

32.

Menedemus the philosopher, hearing a young man talking very loud, said to him, "Are you quite sure you wear no appendage behind you ? " Ibid. ii. 18, 128.

33-

The same, when asked, " Ought a man of sense to marry ? " replied by another question, " Do you

io GREEK WIT.

think me a man of sense, or not ? " " Of course you are," said the other. "Well, "he rejoined, "/ am married." DioG. LAERT. ii. 18, 128.

34-

The same, having accidentally eaten in a cook's shop a piece of meat which someone else had rejected, grew pale on discovering his mistake. " Pooh ! " said a friend ; "it is not the meat that makes you feel sick : it's the idea." Ibid. 132.

35-

The same, hearing one Bion running down the seers as impostors, said to him, " You are killing a corpse." Ibid. 135.

36.

Speusippus, the successor of Plato in the Aca- demy, was afflicted with paralysis, and was riding thither in a vehicle when he met Diogenes. " Good day ! " said he to him. "I can't say good day to you," replied the Cynic, "if you prefer to live on in that wretched plight ! " Ibid. iv. I, 3.

37-

Hipponicus the geometer had a lazy, stupid look, and often yawned. Arcesilaus once said of him

GREEK WIT. ii

that "his geometry had flown into his mouth when he opened it." DIOG. LAERT. iv. 6, 32.

38.

Bion said to a spendthrift who had got through his estates by his gluttony, "The earth swallowed Amphiaraus, but you have swallowed the earth. "

Ibid. iv. 7. 48.

39-

The same said of a rich man who was stingy, "It is not he that possesses the property, but the property that possesses him. " Ibid. 50.

40.

The same used to say, " We ought not to speak evil of old age, for we all of, us hope to reach it."

Ibid. 51. 41.

The same remarked to an envious man who was looking cross, " I don't know whether it is some harm that has happened to you, or some good to

another." Ibid.

42.

Lacydes the philosopher thought he was doing a very clever thing in sealing up his pantry-door, and then, that it might not be stealthily taken from

T2 GREEK WIT.

him, throwing the seal back through a hole in it. But the servants, observing this, opened the door, stole what they pleased, sealed it up again, and popped the seal back through the hole. And he never found it out ! DIOG. LAERT. iv. 8. 59.

43-

Aristotle, being asked what gain was got by lying, replied, "The never being believed when one tells the truth." Ibid. v. I, 17.

44-

The same, being blamed for giving alms to a worthless fellow, said, " It was the man I felt pity for, not his character." Ibid.

45-

The same, when asked the difference between educated and uneducated people, replied, "The difference between the living and the dead."

Ibid. 19. 46.

The same used to say, " A parent who edu- cates is more to be honoured than a parent who be- gets offspring. One is the author of life, the other the author of a good and useful life." Ibid.

GREEK WIT. 13

47-

The same defined friendship to be "One soul re- siding in two bodies." DIOG. LAERT. Ibid. 20.

48.

The same observed that some men save as if they were to live for ever, and some spend as if they were to die to-morrow. Ibid.

49.

The same, when asked what good he had got from philosophy, said, " I have learnt to do with- out bidding, that which others do only from fear of the laws." Ibid.

50.

When someone asked Diogenes the proper time for breakfasting, he replied, " If you are rich, whenever you choose ; if you are poor, whenever you have anything to breakfast upon."

Ibid. vi. 2, 40. Si-

Diogenes observing that at Megara the sheep had thick fleeces, but the boys were poorly clad, remarked, " It pays better to be a ram in a Mega- rian's flock than to be a son in his household."

Ibid. 41.

14 GREEK WIT.

52.

Diogenes, seeing a harp-player being deserted by his audience, said to him, " Good-bye, Mr. Cock." "Why do you give me that name? " asked the performer. " Because," he replied, " you make all get up by your notes." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 48.

53-

When a young man was making a public display of his eloquence, Diogenes rilled the front of his mantle quite full of beans, and sat down just op- posite. When all the audience stared at him, he said, " Why do you give up that gentleman, and turn your eyes on me ? " Ibid.

54-

The same once remarked that it was no wonder that athletes were stupid, pig-headed fellows, when they were built up on so much bacon. Ibid. 49.

55-

The same once was begging for a statue as a present to him. Being asked why he made such an unreasonable request, he answered, ' ' I am practising disappointment. " Ibid. 49.

GREEK WIT. 15

S6.

The same used once to beg alms, and on one oc- casion he made this appeal : " If you ever gave to anyone, give to me ; if not, begin charity with me." DIOG. LAERT. Ibid. 50.

57-

The same being asked what creature gives the worst bite, " Of wild beasts, the Informer : of tame beasts, the Flatterer." Ibid. 51.

58.

The same, on seeing two Centaurs very badly drawn, asked, " Which of these is Chiron ? " (i.e. the worse). Ibid.

59-

Diogenes the Cynic, finding no one attended his lectures, began to play a lively air on the flute. He soon collected an audience, and reproached them thus : " You make it a serious business to attend a nonsensical performance, but hang back from serious instructions with the utmost indifference. "

Ibid. vi. 2, 27. 60. The same philosopher was once offered for sale

16 GREEK WIT,

in the slave-market. On being told he was not permitted to sit down, he exclaimed, "It doesn't matter, surely ; fish are sold in whatever position they chance to lie." When he had been purchased by one Xeniades, he said to his new master, ( ' It will be for you to obey me. One would have to obey the doctor, or the steersman in a ship, even if they were slaves." DIOG. LAERT. 29.

61.

On another occasion, when Diogenes had said to his master Xeniades, "Come, do as you are bid," the latter in surprise quoted a proverb meaning that " truly things are now changed." "Suppose," replied Diogenes, ' ' you had paid money to a phy- sician because you were ill, and then, instead of following his advice, said to him, truly things are now changed" Ibid. vi. 2, 36.

62.

Diogenes being asked what sort of a character he thought Socrates, replied, "Cracked."

Ibid. 54.

63-

The same Xeniades retained Diogenes long in his service, and he was buried by his master's sons.

GREEK WIT. 17

On being asked in his last illness how he wished to be buried, he replied, " With my face down- wards." "Why?" they asked. "Because," he replied (in reference to the Macedonian supremacy), ** in a very short time things will be turned upside down." DIOG. LAERT. ibid. vi. 2, 31.

64.

The same, being grossly insulted and beaten by some young men, made a list of them, and went about with their names conspicuously written hang- ing about him. Ibid. 33. 65.

The same, when some strangers were anxious to see Demosthenes, pointed at him with his middle finger, and said, "That's the Athenian dema- gogue." Ibid. 34. 66.

The same, when some one had dropped a loaf, and thought himself too much of a gentleman to pick it up, byway of reading him a practical lesson on his folly, tied a string to the neck of a pot, and dragged it through the Cerameicus. Ibid. 35.

67.

The same philosopher said most people's mad- 2 c

i8 GREEK WIT.

ness was distinguished by a finger. Go with your middle finger extended, and people will say you are crazy ; go with your forefinger out, as if point- ing, and no one will notice it.

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 35.

68.

The same used to say, " Things of great value are sold for next to nothing, and things that are worthless for a very high price. One has to give a hundred pounds for a statue, while a pint of flour costs twopence." Ibid.

69.

When some one had given Diogenes a knock with a beam, and called out, " Take care ! " he asked, " Are you going to hit me again ? "

Ibid. vi. 2, 41. 70.

When Perdiccas had threatened Diogenes that if he did not come to him he would kill him, he replied: " No great feat that — any venomous crea- ture could do the same. Tell him rather to threaten to live happily without me." Ibid. 44.

71.

Diogenes said to one who was having his shoes

GREEK WIT. 19

put on him by a servant, " You'll want help next in blowing your own nose. It will come to that, if you have so little use of your hands."

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 44.

72.

Diogenes was once enjoying the sunshine, when Alexander the Great came to see him. " Ask me," says the king, " any favour you please." "Just stand out of the light then," replied Diogenes.

Ibid. vi. 2, 38.

73-

The same, when some one had been reading at great length, and showed a glimpse of an unwritten page at the end of the book, called out to the au- dience, " Courage, my lads ! I descry land ahead."

Ibid.

74-

The same, hearing some one maintain that there was no such a thing as motion, got up and walked about. Ibid. 39.

75-

Another was delivering a lecture on the heavenly bodies. " How long is it since you came down from the sky ? " asked Diogenes. Ibid. 39.

20 GREEK WIT.

76.

The attendant of an immoral man had inscribed over the door, Let no evil enter here. ' ' Then how and where is your master to enter ? " asked Dio- genes. DIOG. LAERT. ibid.

77-

Diogenes seeing certain officials taking to prison a steward who had stolen a cup, remarked, " Here are the big thieves carrying off the little thief."

Ibid. 45. 78.

Diogenes seeing a dirtily-kept bath, asked, " Where do people wash themselves, who wash here ? " Ibid. 47.

79-

The question was put to Aristotle, how pupils can best make progress in their studies? "Let them try to overtake those already ahead of them, " he replied, " without waiting for the laggards to come up with them." Ibid. v. I, 20.

80.

The same assured a chatterbox, who expressed a fear that he had tired him with his talk, that he need not apologize ; he had not listened to a single word. Ibid.

GREEK WIT. 21

8l.

The same being asked how we ought to behave to our friends, replied, " as we would wish them to behave toward us." DIOG. LAERT. v. I, 21.

82.

Lycon the philosopher made the feeling remark : " It is a great distress to a father to see a daughter getting past her prime because she has not money to marry on." Ibid. v. 4, 65.

S3-

Demetrius, a pupil of Theophrastus, being told that the Athenians had pulled down certain statues formerly erected to honour him, remarked, "They cannot destroy the merits for which they set them up." Ibid. v. 5, 82.

84.

The same used to say, " A man's eyebrows are no unimportant part of him ; they can throw a shadow on his whole life." Ibid.

85-

Another saying of Demetrius was, " Not only is Plutus (wealth) blind, but the goddess Fortune who leads him." Ibid.

22 GREEK WIT.

86.

One Polyctor, a bad harpist, was making a meal on porridge, when he struck his tooth against a pebble. " See," said one present, "the very lentils are throwing stones at you."

ATHEN. vi. p. 245.

87.

One Chaerephon, a parasite, complained that "he could not bear the wine." " Nor," sugges- ted one of the guests, "the water it is mixed with."

Ibid. 88.

Someone having set on the table some dark and dirty-looking bread, another, to tease him, brought some of a still darker colour. "These are not loaves at all, " he said ; ' ' they are the shadows of loaves." Ibid.

89.

Solon, weeping for the death of his son, was told that " Grief was of no use." " That is just why I weep," he replied.

DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 63.

90. Chilon being asked what were the most difficult

GREEK WIT. 23

things, replied, "To keep secrets, to make a good use of leisure, and to bear being wronged."

DIOG. LAERT. i. 3, 69.

91.

Bias thought the most difficult thing of all was, " To bear nobly a change for the worse in our for- tunes." Ibid. i. 5, 86.

92.

' The Italians of old were so simple in their habits, that in the time of Cato the Censor even gentle- men of fortune would bring their sons to a din- ner, giving them water to drink, and the choice of pears or walnuts to eat, with either of which they were satisfied, and went contentedly to bed. ATHEN. vi. p. 274.

93-

Socrates being asked whether it were better to marry or not to marry, replied, " Whichever you do, you will regret it."

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 5, 33.

94.

The same used to say, that he wondered people took such pains to make the likeness of stone

24 GREEK WIT.

statues as close as possible, but no pains at all not to become like stone statues themselves.

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 5, 53.

95-

The same observed, that whereas most men lived to eat, he ate to live. Ibid. 34.

96.

The same, when his wife said, " You are being put to death unjustly," replied, " Would you wish me to die justly 1 " Ibid. 35.

97-

The same, when about to drink the hemlock, declined a handsome garment offered for the oc- casion (according to the Greek custom) by Apollo- dorus. "What!" he exclaimed, "is this old cloak good enough for me to have lived in, and not good enough to die in ? " Ibid.

98.

The same, when his pupil Antisthenes made a display of a ragged mantle, said to him, "I can see your vanity through that hole in your cloak."

Ibid. 99.

The same, when Alcibiades said he could not

GREEK WIT. 25

bear to hear Xanthippe scold him, replied, " You don't mind hearing your geese hiss." " But," said Alcibiades, " they produce goslings for me." "And Xanthippe," replied Socrates, "produces babies for me." DIOG. LAERT. 37.

100.

Lycurgus being asked why he brought up Spar- tan young women in the same athletic exercises as the men, gave the three following reasons : — First, that a vigorous offspring may be born from strong bodies ; next, that they may bear themselves bravely in child-birth ; thirdly, that if necessity arises, they may be able to fight for themselves, their children, and their country.

PLUT. Ap. Lac. Lycurg. xii.

101.

The same legislator, when someone wished to know why the law forbade a dower being given with any daughter, replied, " That every girl may have a chance of marriage for her own sake, with- out regard to her fortune."

102.

Bias the philosopher was once in a storm at sea,

26 GREEK WIT.

with an impious crew, who began to pray to the gods for help. " Hush ! " said he, "lest the gods should be made aware who is sailing here. "

DIOG. LAERT. i. 5, 86.

103.

The same, when an irreligious man asked him to define piety towards the gods, made no reply. When asked the reason of his silence, he answered, *' Be- cause you are asking about that which does not concern you in the least. " Ibid.

104.

The same once remarked that he felt greater pleasure in deciding between his enemies than be- tween his friends. For you cannot help making one friend an enemy, and are pretty sure to make one enemy a friend. Ibid.

105.

The same, when asked what was the greatest pleasure to most men, replied, "Making money."

Ibid.

106. The same used to say that a man ought to mea-

GREEK WIT. 27

sure his life with a view to two probabilities : it may be short, and it may be long.

DIOG. LAERT. i. 5, 86.

107.

The same advised his friends to be slow in un- dertaking any scheme, but to stick to it and carry it out when once decided upon. Among his sage maxims were these : — Don't talk quick ; it shows levity of character. Prize above all things good sense. When you are asked what you think about the gods, say that of course there are such beings. Don't praise one who does not deserve it, merely because he is rich. Take only by persuasion, not by force. Thank the gods for any good you may do or receive. Make learning your resource against old age, for it is the only possession you are sure of keeping. Ibid.

108.

Anacharsis the Scythian used to say that he could not understand how the Athenians encou- raged prize-fights and yet passed laws against out- rages. Ibid. i. 8, 103. 109.

The same, finding that the thickness of a ship's

28 GREEK WIT.

plank was under two inches, said,, "That is the distance between the crew and death."

DIOG. LAERT. i. 8, 103.

no.

The same, when asked what ships were the safest ? replied, " Those in dock." Ibid. 104.

in.

The same was greatly surprised that the Greeks, who used charcoal for fuel, could leave the smoke in the mountains and carry the wood into the city !

Ibid.

112.

The same defined a market-place to be "A space marked out for the purposes of cheating."

Ibid. 105. "3-

Myso, who was a misanthrope, was once seen at Lacedsemon in a solitary place, indulging in laugh- ter. " Why," he was asked, " do you laugh when there is no one here ? " " Because there is no one here," he replied. Ibid. i. 9, 108.

114.

The same used to say, "Do not look for facts from words, but words from facts. For facts are

GREEK WIT. 29

not brought about for the sake of being talked of ; talk is the result of fact."

DIOG. LAERT. i. 9, 108.

Diogenes used to reason thus : — "All things be- long to the gods. Wise men are the friends of the gods. The proverb says, ' Friends have all things in common.' Therefore, all things belong to wise men." Ibid. vi. 2, 37.

116.

The same, observing a woman kneeling before a statue without strict regard to the disposition of her dress, thought to give her a lesson against super- stition. So he went up to her and said, " My good woman, you know the gods are everywhere ! Take care one of them is not standing behind you now and looking at your legs." Ibid.

117.

Diogenes lighted a lamp in the daytime, and said he was "Trying to find a man." Ibid. 41.

118. Lycurgus recommended pursuit of a routed

30 GREEK WIT.

enemy only so far as to secure a victory. " It is your interest not to kill more than you need," said he ; " for when they know that you give quarter to those who run, and slay only those who make a stand, it is clear which course they will pursue." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Lye. 30.

119.

Dionysius sent Lysander two female dresses, and asked him to choose which he liked best and convey it with his compliments to his daughter. " She had better make the choice herself," he replied, — and carried them both away. Ibid. Lys. I.

1 20.

When someone was roundly abusing Lysander, he said, " Lay it on thick ; spare not, speak out, omit nothing ! There seems to be a good deal of venom on your mind, and perhaps you may thus work off some of it." Ibid. 13.

121.

Some time after the death of Lysander, King Agesilaus went to his house to see what papers he had left. Finding a treatise advocating an elective

GREEK WIT. 31

in place of an hereditary monarchy, he was de- sirous to publish it, to show the malice of the man. But Cratidas, who was then the chief man among the Ephors, fearing lest the argument should con- vince the people, advised him to suppress it. "Don't let us dig Lysander up again," he said, " but rather bury his theory with him."

PLUT. ibid. Lys. 14.

122.

Diogenes being asked if he could account for the pale colour of gold, said it was because it had so many always plotting against it.

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 51.

123.

The same, on seeing some women who had been hanged on the boughs of an olive tree, said, "I wish all trees bore that kind of fruit." Ibid. 52.

124.

The same, being asked whether he kept any girl or boy as a servant, replied in the negative. ' ' Then who is there to bury you when you die?" they asked. " Whoever wants the house," he replied.

Ibid.

32 GREEK WIT.

125.

When Plato was lecturing on his theory of " Ab- stracts," Diogenes said, " Table-ism and cup-ism I cannot see, though I can see a table or a cup." "That," replied Plato, " is because you have eyes to see the one, but not mind to apprehend the other." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 53.

126.

Some one was desirous to study philosophy under Diogenes. He put a red herring into his hands, and said, Follow me. The applicant, ashamed to do so, tossed away the fish and left him. After a time Diogenes met him, and said, " The friend- ship between you and me has been broken off by a red herring." Ibid. vi. 2. 36.

127.

The same, observing a little boy drinking water with his hands, took out of his scrip a cup which he carried in it, and flung it away, saying, "That boy has beaten me in thrift." Shortly afterwards, he threw away his plate too, on seeing another boy who had just broken his, and was holding his por- ridge in a hole which he had scooped in his loaf.

Ibid. 37.

GREEK WIT. 33

128.

On some Athenian remarking, "You Spartans are too much given to doing nothing," Nicander replied, " And you Athenians to doing too much." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Nic. 3.

129.

Panthoides was asked what he thought of the lectures on morality delivered by the philosophers in the Academy? "They are good," said he, "very good indeed, but utterly useless; for you Athenians never think of following them."

Ibid. Panth. 2. ISO-

The people of Delos were arguing before the Athenians the claims of their country, — a sacred island, they said, in which no one is ever born and no one is ever buried. " Then, " asked Pausanias, ' ' how can that be your country ? "

Ibid. Paus. \.

IS'-

When some persons who had been expelled fronv Athens were urging Pausanias to lead an army against them, saying that they alone had hissed when his name was announced at the Olympian

2 D

34 GREEK WIT.

games, he answered, ' ' If they hiss when they are well treated, what will they do to me when they are hardly dealt with ? "

PLUT. Ap. Lac. Pans. 2.

132.

When a thin and weakly man was urging Pau- sanias to fight with his enemies to the death, he said to him, " Then will you strip, and show them what sort of a man you are who give this very spi- rited advice ? " Ibid. 4.

133-

Pausanias the son of Pleistoanax was asked why the Spartans never repealed any of their ancient laws. " Because," he replied, "laws have autho- rity over men, not men over laws." Ibid* I.

134-

The same, when a physician had examined him, and assured him there was nothing the matter, said, "Just so ; that is because I have not been in the habit of consulting you." Ibid. 4.

135.

The same, on another occasion, was asked why

GREEK WIT. 35

he spoke evil of a physician whom he had never consulted ? " If I had consulted him" said he, "I should not now have been speaking either good or evil of anybody." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Paus. 5.

136.

The same, when his medical adviser remarked he had " become aged," retorted, " Because I have not taken your pills.'* Ibid. 6.

137.

The same defined a "good doctor" to be one who buried his patients quickly, and did not keep them alive on physic. Ibid. 7.

Paedaretus, when some one was praising for his good nature an effeminate-looking man, remarked, " We should not praise men for being like women, nor indeed women for being like men, unless there should be some special occasion for it."

Ibid. Paed. 2.. '39-

The same, when he found his name had not been inscribed among the Three Hundred, who stood first in military rank, went away laughing. Being

36 GREEK WIT.

asked by the Ephors the reason of his conduct, he replied, " Through joy that the state has three hundred better citizens than myself."

PLUT. Ap. Lac. Paed. 3.

140.

Pleistarchus, when a certain advocate was trying to be " funny," said to him, " If you go on joking, my good friend, you will become a joker, just as those who are always wrestling become wrestlers."

Ibid. Pleist. 2. 141.

Polydorus, son of Alcamenes, said to one who was always threatening his enemies, " You don't see that you are wasting the greatest part of your vengeance.'' Ibid. Polyd. i.

142.

Thales, when his mother urged him to marry, used to plead, " I am too young." When she still pressed him in his middle age, he replied, ' ' I am too old." DIOG. LAERT. i. i, 26.

143-

The same philosopher, being conducted from his house one night by his old housekeeper to see the

GREEK WIT. 37

stars, tumbled into a ditch. ' ' Do you expect, sir," she asked, "ever to know things above your head, if you don't see things under your feet ? " DIOG. LAERT. i. i, 34.

144.

The same, on saying that "Death was just as good as life," was asked, " Why, then, don't you die?" "Just because there is no difference," he replied. Ibid. i. i, 35.

145-

The same being asked the best way of bearing adversity, replied, " By seeing your enemies worse off than yourself." Ibid. i. 36.

146.

The same remarked that the best and most righteous way of living was to do nothing which we blame in others. Ibid.

147.

The same denned a happy man to be one " heal- thy in body, easy in circumstances, well -stored in his mind." Ibid. i. 37.

148.

Croesus, having dressed himself in all his royal robes and decorations, and taken his seat on his

38 GREEK WIT.

throne, asked Solon if he had ever seen a more beautiful sight. "Yes," replied Solon, "cocks, pheasants, and peacocks ; for their dress is natural to them, and a thousand times prettier."

DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 51.

149.

The same philosopher used to say that laws were like spiders' webs ; they would hold any small and light matter, but larger objects always broke through and escaped. Ibid. i. 2, 58.

ISO.

Some one, in anger at a discussion, gave So- crates a kick. When surprise was expressed at his bearing it patiently, he said, " If an ass had kicked me, should I have brought it before the magis- trate?" Ibid. ii. 5, 21.

Euripides once gave Socrates a work by Hera- clitus, and asked him what he thought of it. " What I understand," he replied, "is very good, and so, I dare say, is what I don't understand ; but it wants a good diver to get to the bottom of it."

Ibid. ii. 22.

GREEK WIT. 39

152.

Alcibiades offered Socrates a large piece of land

to build a house on. " If I had wanted a pair of

shoes," he said, "would you have given me a whole

hide, merely that I might make a fool of myself ?"

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 24.

153-

Socrates, looking at the quantity of things sold in the market, used to say, " How many there are which I do not want ! " Ibid. ii. 25.

154-

The same used to say ' ' That he knew nothing, except the one fact that he knew nothing. "

Ibid. ii. 32.

I5S-

Phocion, seeing the Athenians eager to make a raid into Boeotia, and disapproving of it, ordered the crier to give public notice, "All citizens be- tween twenty and sixty years of age are to take five days' provision and follow the general imme- diately after this meeting." At this the seniors murmured, but Phocion said to them, "What rea-

40 GREEK WIT.

son have you to complain ? I, your leader, am eighty years of age, and I shall be one of you. " PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 24.

156.

The same general, on one occasion when he had assigned a place to the heavy armed troops, ob- served a young man advance beyond the rest, and again retire into the rank when an enemy faced him. *' My lad," said he, "you have deserted two posts ; one which I gave you, and another which you gave yourself." Ibid. 25.

157.

When news had been brought to Athens of the death of Alexander the Great, Demades the orator bade the people not to listen to it. " Had it been so," he said, " the whole world would long ago have smelt the corpse. " Ibid. 22.

158.

Phocion compared the talk of Leosthenes to a cypress tree, — tall, and big, but without fruit.

Ibid. 23.

159. Hypereides the orator asked Phocion when he

GREEK WIT. 41

would advise the Athenians to go to war. He re- plied, ' ' When I see the young men keeping to the ranks ; the rich willing to pay taxes ; and the ora- tors keeping their hands off the public money." PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 23.

1 60.

Demades the orator once said to Phocion, " I think the Athenians ought to adopt the Spartan polity, and if you advise it, I will both write and speak in favour of it." Phocion replied, " You are not the man to recommend Spartan simplicity, with your perfumes and your fine clothes." Ibid. 20.

161.

Phocion, being asked for a subscription for a re- ligious purpose, pointed to his banker, and said, "Ask the rich ; I should be ashamed to pay money to you, when I owe it to him" Ibid. 9.

162.

When one Aristogeiton, a common informer, ad- vocated a warlike policy in the assembly, but, on the military lists being made out, came walking with a stick and wearing a bandage on his leg, Phocion called out with a loud voice, " Put down

42 GREEK WIT.

Aristogeiton too, and describe him, lame and scamp" PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 10.

163.

The same Phocion, when Aristogeiton was in prison for debt and had begged to see him, rejected the entreaties of his friends that he should not go. "Where," he asked, "could one meet the man with greater pleasure ? " Ibid. 10.

164.

Phocion had so great a regard for Chabrias, that after his death he did everything in his power to reform his profligate son Ctesippus. On one oc- casion, when he was being pertly addressed and interfered with in his military plans, he exclaimed in bitterness, " O Chabrias, Chabrias, great indeed is my regard for your friendship, when I bear pa- tiently with this son of yours ! " Ibid. 7.

I6S.

Anaximander was once laughed at by some little boys for his singing. When told of it, he said, " We must sing better, on account of these small boys." DIOG. LAERT. ii. 1,2.

GREEK WIT. 43

166.

Anaxagoras, on being shown the costly tomb of Mausolus, defined it to be "the ghost of wealth turned into stone." Dioo. LAERT. i. 3, 10.

167.

Some one asked Diogenes at what time of life he had best marry? " If you are young," he re- plied, " not yet ; if you are old, never."

Ibid. vi. 2, 54.

168.

The same, observing a young man blush, said, " Never mind, my lad ; you bear virtue's colour on your cheek." Ibid.

169.

The same, when asked what wine he liked best, replied, " That which comes out of a friend's cellar."

Ibid.

170.

The same, being asked why men give alms to beggars but have nothing to spare for philosophers, said, " It is because they expect to become halt and blind themselves, but not to become philosophers."

Ibid. vi. 56.

44 GREEK WIT.

171.

Aristides had so strong a sense of justice that he stood up for right even when contending against his enemies. On one occasion he was prosecuting one of these in court, and the charge was of such a nature that the jury seemed unwilling to hear his defence, and showed some impatience to give their verdict immediately. Upon this Aristides arose, and joined in the defendant's appeal to the court that he might be heard and not be deprived of his legal rights. PLUTARCH, Vit. Arist. ch. 4.

172.

The same, having on another occasion to decide a claim for two private persons, on one of them re- marking that his adversary had given Aristides a great deal of annoyance, said to him, "Tell me rather if he has donej^w any harm ; it is for you, not for myself, that I am sitting here as judge."

Ibid.

173-

The son of Iphicrates, being a tall lad, was drafted into the military service, though under age. On which the father remarked, " If they regard

GREEK WIT. 45

tall children as men, in fairness they ought to regard little men as children."

ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, book ii. ch. 23.

174.

Xenophanes used to say, "It is equally impious to assert the gods were born, and to affirm that they can die ; for in both cases there must be a time of non-existence of gods. " Ibid.

175-

A rich Athenian called Callias was accused by his enemies in court, among other charges, of neg- lecting his near relative, Aristides, and allowing him, the admired of all Greece, with his wife and family, to be almost starved through poverty. Upon this Callias challenged Aristides to declare the truth, that he had in fact declined many offers of money from him, with this remark ; " I ought to be more proud of my poverty than Callias of his wealth. For wealth is a gift we very often see both well and ill used ; but it is not easy to meet with one who bears poverty like a true gentleman. It is only those who dislike to be poor that are really ashamed of poverty."

PLUTARCH, Life of Aristides, ch. 25.

46 GREEK WIT.

I76.

Zeno used to say that it was more serious to make a slip with the tongue than with the foot. DIOG. LAERT. vii. i, 26.

177.

Aristo compared lectures on logic to spiders' webs. "They show skill in catching," he said, " but are practically useless." Ibid. vii. 2,161.

178.

Cleanthes, on being taunted with being too cautious, replied, "That is why I make so few mistakes." Ibid. vii. 5, 171.

179.

The same was conversing with a young man, and asked him, " Do you understand me ? " " O yes," said the youth. "Then how is it," he asked, " that I don't understand that you understand? "

Ibid. vii. 172. 1 80.

Some one was rinding fault with Cleanthes on the score of his old age. "I, too," said he, "wish to depart hence ; yet when I am conscious of per- fect health in all respects, and retain full power

GREEK WIT. 47

both to write and to read, then again I am content to abide at my post in life."

DIOG. LAERT. vii. 174.

181.

Pyrrho, being in a ship during a storm, observed that the crew looked very grave. But he raised their courage by his own calmness, and by pointing out a pig that was feeding quite unconcerned. ' ' A wise man," he said, " ought to be at least as tran- quil as a pig." Ibid. ix. n, 68. 182.

Timon said to one who was always expressing -wonder at everything he saw, " Why don't you wonder that three of us here have only four eyes?" The fact was, that two of the three happened to have lost an eye. Ibid. ix. 112, 114.

183.

A certain man who prided himself on his know- ledge of etiquette, whenever he visited the younger Dionysius used to shake out the folds of his mantle to show that he carried no weapon that could be used against a tyrant. Dionysius, thinking it implied a reproach to him, gave orders that the man should

48 GREEK WIT.

do the same when he left his presence, lest per- chance he should be carrying off something he had stolen. PLUTARCH, Vit. Timoleon. ch. 15.

184.

Philip of Macedon was once discoursing with others over their wine about some tragedies which the elder Dionysius had left, and ironically re- marked that "he wondered how he found time to write them." "He did it," replied the younger Dionysius, " while you and I, and all those who are thought to be well off, were wasting our time over the bowl." Ibid.

185.

Theophrastus relates that the Spartan King Ar- chidamus was fined by the Ephors for having married a woman of short stature. " He will not beget kings for us, but kinglets" they said.

PLUT. Vit. Ages. ch. 2.

186.

Minecrates, a physician, having been successful in treating some cases that had been given up by others, had the title of Z««( Jupiter) given him by his admirers. Conceited of the honour, he wrote thus

GREEK WIT. 49

to Agesilaus : — ' ' Menecrates Zeus sends greeting to King Agesilaus." To which he received the reply, "King Agesilaus wishes Menecrates good health." PLUT. Vit. Ages. ch. 21.

187.

Plato used to say, that of all the distinguished statesmen Athens ever had, Aristides alone was worthy of account ; for whereas Themistocles, Cimon, and Pericles had filled the city with fine buildings, and wealth, and many other glories which were but trifles, Aristides had been a vir- tuous ruler of the State.

PLUTARCH, Life of Aristides, ch. 25.

1 88.

Lucullus, when his soldiers were very eager to capture a fort believed to contain much treasure, pointed out to them a distant fastness on Mount Taurus. "That" said he, "must first be de- stroyed. We will hold this in reserve for con- querors."

PLUTARCH, Life of Lucullus, ch. 24.

189. Someone told Diogenes that most people laughed

5o GREEK WIT.

at him. " And veiy likely," he said, "the asses bray at them ; but as they don't care for the asses, so neither do I care for them. "

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 58.

190.

Diogenes observed a boy, known to be the son of a courtesan, throwing a stone into a crowd; he called out to him, " Mind you don't hit your father, boy ! " Ibid. 62.

191.

The same, being requested to return a mantle, sent back this answer : " If it was intended as a present, I have it still ; if it was a loan, I have not yet done with it." Ibid.

192.

When some one brought Diogenes a pupil, say- ing he was a very clever lad, and of a most excel- lent and amiable disposition, he asked, "Then what on earth does he want me for? " Ibid. 64.

193-

Diogenes once went into a theatre just as all were coming out of it. Being asked why he did

GREEK WIT. 51

so, he said, ' ' I have been opposing people all my life." DIOG. LAERT. ibid. 64.

194.

The same, watching a very unskilful archer prac- tising at a mark, went and sat down close to it, that I may not get hit, he said. Ibid. 67.

195-

Crates, the Theban philosopher, was asked by Alexander whether he wished his country to be restored to its former greatness. " What's the use ? " he said; " probably another Alexander will overthrow it again." Ibid. vi. 5, 93.

196.

Diogenes was shown a contrivance for telling the time of day. "A very useful invention," he re- marked, "for preventing one being late at dinner."

Ibid. vi. 9, 104. 197.

Zeno of Citium, the Stoic philosopher, was a pupil of Crates. Now the Cynics prided them- selves on having no false shame, and as Zeno seemed deficient in this virtue, Crates bade him carry a pot of porridge through the Cerameicus.

52 GREEK WIT.

Seeing him try to conceal it, he gave the pot a sly knock with his staff and broke it, so that the por- ridge ran down over his legs. 4 ' Don't run away, little Red-legs," said Crates, "no great harm has happened to you. " DIOG. LAERT. vii. I, 3.

198.

Zeno had observed that a certain glutton used to eat up all the fish at table and leave none for his messmates. On one occasion, when a large fish was served, Zeno took it up and devoured the whole of it. At this the man stared, but Zeno quietly said to him, "How do you suppose your mess- mates feel every day, if you cannot put up with my taking a liking for fish for a single day ? "

Ibid. 19. 199.

The same, when a young man was asking some question that seemed to imply inquisitiveness ill suited to his age, conducted him to a mirror, and bade him look at himself. "Do you think," he asked, " your inquiries are suited to such a face as that ? " Ibid. 19.

200. Lysander, after the final defeat of the Athenians,

GREEK WIT. 53

despatched a quantity of coin and treasure to Sparta by sea, under the care of Gylippus, who had been the Spartan commander at Syracuse. He, not aware that each sealed box contained under the lid a written statement of the contents, loosened the bottom of each and took out a quantity of silver money bearing the device of an owl. The stolen money he concealed under the roof of his house, but he took the boxes to the Ephors, and showed them the unbroken seals. Finding the accounts did not tally, they were much perplexed, till they received a useful hint from a servant of Gylippus : — " There is a 'whole lot of owls roosting under masters tiles" PLUTARCH, Vit. Lysand. ch. 16.

201.

When Aristonous, an obsequious harper, had told Lysander, by way of compliment, that " when he gained his next victory in music at the Pythian games, he should have himself proclaimed as a member of Lysander's family," Lysander quietly said, "As my flunkey, you mean."

Ibid. ch. 18. 202.

Cleon, the Athenian demagogue, once kept the

54 GREEK WIT.

people in full assembly waiting for him a long time. At last he appeared, dressed for dinner, and begged them to adjourn the meeting till to-morrow. "The fact is, gentlemen," said he, "I have just been attending a sacrifice, and I am rather engaged, as I have a dinner party to-day." The Athenians good-naturedly laughed, and dismissed the meet- ing. PLUTARCH, Life of Nicias, ch. vii.

203.

When Alexander made his expedition into India, certain ambassadors came to him to tender their submission. One of these, a prince called Acuphis, asked what they should do to secure the friendship of so great and generous a chief? " Let them ap- point you their governor, " he replied, "and send to me a hundred of their best men." "Don't you think, Sir," replied Acuphis, "it would make my position as ruler somewhat easier if I were to send you a hundred of our worst men ? "

PLUT. Life of Alexander, ch. Iviii.

204. Alexander on one occasion sent for ten of the

GREEK WIT. 55

Indian " Gymnosophists, " and propounded to each a difficult question, telling them he would put to death first the first man who gave a wrong answer, and then the rest in succession ; and he or- dered the eldest of the ten to act as judge. But the judge declared himself unable to decide ; on which Alexander said, " Thenyou shall die first, for giving such a reply." "Not," replied the other, "unless your majesty thinks fit to break your royal word." PLUT. Life of Alexander, ch. Ixiv.

205.

Among the questions propounded as above were the following : — ' ' Are there more dead or more living men?" Answer : " More living ; for the dead are not" " What is the most mischievous creature in existence?" Answer: " That which is hitherto un- known to man." " Which was created first, day or night ? " Answer : " Day, by one day." (When Alexander said, "That is an obscure answer," he replied, "And to an obscure question. ") " Is life or- death the stronger?" Answer : " Life ; for it bears so many evils." "How long ought a man to live ? " " Till he begins to think dying is better than living." Ibid.

56 GREEK WIT,

206.

A man was charged with the grave offence of beating his own father. His excuse was, " It runs in the family. He used to beat his father, and that father did the same to his father. Look at that boy of mine," said he; "why, he will beat me when he grows up to be a man."

ARISTOTLE, Eth. Nic. vii. ch. 6.

207.

The same amiable youth, while violently dragging his father at his front door, was told to stop there, "/never pulled my father beyond his door," he said. Ibid.

208.

Popular resentment is often appeased when a single one has been punished, even if he is really less guilty. On this principle Philocrates, when asked "Why he did not make his defence, as the people were furious against him," replied, "Wait till some one else is being tried."

ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, ii. ch. 3.

209.

The wife of King Hiero once asked Simonides

GREEK WIT. 57

whether it was better to be born wealthy or wise ? "Wealthy, it would seem," he replied, "for I always see the wise hanging about the doors of the rich." ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, ii. ch. 16.

210.

A fox, having got into a ditch, was attacked by horse-leeches. " Shall I relieve you of them ? " asked a good-natured hedgehog. " By no means, my dear friend," replied the fox; "they can't suck much more of my blood now ; but a new batch of them might drain me dry."

Ibid. ch. 20.

211.

Dionysius, the Ruler of Syracuse, had sent to Olympia and Delphi certain costly offerings of "chryselephantine" (gold and ivory) workmanship. Iphicrates, the Athenian general, fell in with the ships which were conveying them and took posses- sion of the property, sending at the same time a despatch to Athens to ask what was to be done with it. The reply was, ' ' Pay your soldiers, and don't inquire too closely about the claim of the gods. " So the goods were sold as spoils lawfully

58 GREEK WIT.

taken from the enemy. Dionysius was very angry with the Athenians, and sent them this letter : — •" Dionysius to the council and popular assembly of Athens. It would be unreasonable in me to add, health and happiness, for you are sacrilegious pirates and plunderers, you have taken and de- stroyed offerings sent by us to be solemnly dedi- cated to the gods, and you have been guilty of im- piety to the two greatest of them all — Apollo at Delphi, and Zeus at Olympia."

DIODOR. Sic. xvi. ch. 57.

212.

After the defeat of the Athenians at Chseronea, Philip, who had been . celebrating his victory at a banquet, went with his friends, somewhat excited by wine, through the ranks of the captives, taunt- ing them with having lost their usual luck. De- mad es the orator happened to be one of the pri- soners of war, and he made bold to address to the king words well adapted to check this display of bad taste :• — " Sir, Fortune has given you to play the part of Agamemnon, and you ought to be ashamed of acting like Thersites,"

Ibid. ch. 87.

GREEK WIT. 59

213-

A pedantic man called to his servant to bring to the bath " that unused cloak," meaning that new one. While there, it was stolen from him, and his friends had the laugh against him for taking the trouble of finding an article which he had himself described as "of no use." ATHEN. iii. p. 97.

214.

Anacharsis being asked what the Greeks did with their money, replied, " They count it."

Ibid. iv. p. 159. 215-

A wealthy young man came from Ionia to reside at Athens, where he made a great display of his fine clothes. When asked the name of his native place, he answered " Richborough. " Ibid.

216.

Thales of Miletus was taunted by his friends for pursuing philosophy and remaining in poverty. Having observed, during the winter, signs of a good crop of olives, he gave security for the hire, for no great sum, of all the oil-works in Chios and Mile- tus for the coming year. As the season advanced

60 GREEK WIT.

and the crop proved a heavy one, he sublet the properties and realized a large profit. " You see, my friends," said he, "what philosophers can do in the way of money-making, only they don't care about it." ARISTOTLE, Politics, i. ch. iv.

217.

A certain house at Agrigentum was called " The Ship," from the following cause. A party of young men were one day drinking there, and became so ' ' fuddled " that they fancied they were in a storm at sea ! So they began to toss the chairs and sofas out of window to lighten the vessel, imagining that they were carrying out the orders of the pilot. Of course the people without ran off with the goods, and the affair became known to the authorities, who went to the house next morning. When asked for an explanation, the young men, not yet fully sober, replied, "They had been forced by the vio- lence of the storm to throw overboard all superfluous goods." One of them, who seemed to be spokes- man for the rest as the senior, added, ' ' And I, men-Tritons ! was so frightened that I lay down at the very bottom of the ship's hold ! " The officers, seeing the state of the case, good-naturedly let

GREEK WIT. 61

them off with a warning " Not to drink so much again. " ' ' Thank you, good sirs, " they replied ; " if ever we get safe to port from this dreadful storm, we will set up statues to you in our own country as to Saviours from the Sea." ATHEN/EUS, ii. p. 37.

218.

A man in Sicily with a shrewd eye for business invested a sum of money which had been deposited with him in the purchase of iron, of which he se- cured the monopoly in the city. When merchants came to buy, he sold it at a moderate profit, and yet found that he had trebled his capital. Diony- sius, the ruler, hearing of his success, sent for the man and said to him, " You may take your money, but you must leave the city. You have found out a way of trading which will prove very injurious to my revenues." ARISTOTLE, Po/it. i. ch. v.

219.

Pittacus of Priene enacted a law, that a heavier fine should be inflicted on a drunkard for an assault than on one who was sober. Thus he was so far from making any allowance for the act of a drunken man, that he wisely had in regard the much greater

62 GREEK WIT.

frequency of drunken brawls, and the necessity of preventing them.

ARISTOTLE, Polit. ii. ch. ix.

220.

After the battle of Issus, Alexander went, ac- companied by his friend Hephsestion, to pay Sisy- gambris, the queen of Darius, and the ladies of her court, a visit of ceremony, and to promise them his gracious consideration and protection. Seeing them both dressed in the same way, but Hephass- tion the taller and handsomer of the two, the queen addressed him as "your majesty." Being told of her mistake, and being somewhat confused by it, she made a low curtsey a second time. "Never mind, my dear lady," said Alexander; "we are both your majesty alike. "

DlODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 37.

221.

When Alexander paid a visit to the temple of Jupiter Ammon, he was addressed by the aged priest, "Hail, my Son, and accept these words as the welcome of the god himself." * ' His son then I will

GREEK WIT. 63

henceforth be," replied Alexander. "Tell me now, am I to be the lord of all the world ? " The reply of the priest, after consulting the oracle, being favour- able, Alexander said, "One more question answer me now. Have I sufficiently avenged the murderers of my father, or have any escaped me ? " " Hush ! " replied the obsequious priest. " No mortal man could execute any plot against your Father ! Phi- lip's murderers, however, have all met with their deserts." DIODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 51.

222.

Alexander, after the capture of the royal palace and treasures of the Persian king at Susa, took his seat on the royal throne. One of his attendants, observing that his feet did not reach the footstool, brought a small table that had been used by Darius, and placed it under him as a support "Thank you," said Alexander, " that will do very well." Seeing one of the eunuchs who stood by the throne burst into tears, he inquired, * ' What is the matter now ? " " Oh, Sir," said he, "that table ! my mas- ter's pet table ! To think it should have ever come to such a use as this, for you to set your dirty feet upon it ! " Ibid. ch. 66.

64 GREEK WIT.

223.

Cypselus of Corinth made a vow to Zeus, that if he ever became master of the city, he would dedi- cate to him all the Corinthians possessed. When that event had taken place, he ordered all the citi- zens to make a return of their incomes. From each of them he took a tenth part, and ordered them to trade with the rest. This was regularly repeated for ten years, at the end of which he had fulfilled his vow, and the citizens had got rich again. Anonymi CEconomica, § 2.

224.

Mausolus, tyrant of Caria, had some ingenious methods of raising revenue. On one occasion, when tribute was demanded from him by the Per- sian king, he told his people that he had no money. Whereupon certain persons, instructed for the pur- pose, rose and made liberal but sham offers. At this the wealthy citizens, whether from shame or from fear, promised much larger sums, wad. paid them too.

On another occasion he told the people of Mylasa that their city, being the metropolis, ought to have a wall to secure their possessions ; for the Great King was coming to invade them ! So the money

GREEK WIT. 65

needed was quickly contributed, and he took it, but said to the people, " My friends, Providence is not building you a wall just yet."

Anonymi CEconomica, § 14.

225.

Chserephon, the friend of Socrates, was buying some meat, and objected to the cut offered him as too ' ' bony. " ' ' Why, sir, " said the butcher, ' ' we always consider the meat is sweetest next the bone." "Perhaps so," said Chaerephon ; "but bone weighs heavy in the scale."

ATHEN. vi. p. 244.

226.

Dionysius used to take a walk round the temples at Syracuse, and if he saw a table of gold or silver at any shrine, he would say to his attendants, " Thank the god of luck, and carry that home. " If any statues were represented as holding out a goblet, he exclaimed, " Much obliged ! " and took it away. The golden crowns and the spangled robes he re- moved from all the images, saying, " I will myself present you with lighter clothes and more fragrant chaplets." Accordingly he dressed them in white

2 F

66 GREEK WIT.

linen, and put wreaths of white violets on their heads. Anonym. (Econom. § 42.

227.

India possesses many species of apes of different sizes. These are captured by hunters who avail themselves of their natural propensity to imitate, for they are too strong as well as too cunning to be caught in any other way. Accordingly, some smear their eyes with honey, and put birdlime within reach of the creatures, which prevents them from opening their eyelids. Some clap mirrors on their heads, and provide watchers with a loop and a cord, so as to pull them back. Some again let the apes see them putting on shoes, and leave in their way other shoes to which a string is tied, so that the ape vainly tries to hobble away from the spot. DIODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 89.

228.

Eumenes, in his contest with Antipater in Ar- menia, was shut up in a small, rocky fortress. Pending it difficult on rough and narrow ground to exercise his horses, and aware of their importance to him, he devised a new and ingenious plan. He

GREEK WIT. 67

set up erect three poles, and fastened the horses' heads by ropes tied to pegs or cross-bars in them at such a height that they just failed to touch the ground with their forelegs. In their violent efforts and struggles to do this, all the limbs and the whole bodies were so put to the stretch that the sweat poured from them, and the animals had a first-rate lesson in prancing and kicking !

DIODOR. Sic. xviii. ch. 42.

229.

One Kineas, a Thessalian, had great influence with Pyrrhus. Seeing the king resolved on an ex- pedition against Italy, he introduced the following conversation. "A great people, sire, those Ro- mans, and rulers of many warlike nations ! Sup- pose, by favour of heaven, we should conquer them ; what use shall we make of our victory ? " "That, Kineas," replied the king, "is plain enough. If Rome falls, all Italy is in our hands." "And if we get Italy," asked Kineas, "what then ? " " Sicily," replied the king, " will be easily taken next." "And then?" " Libya and Car- thage will be unable to withstand us." " Of course, " said Kineas ; "and then we shall get back Mace-

68 GREEK WIT.

clonia and Hellas ! And then?" " Then," said the king, " we will stay at home and enjoy our- selves over the bowl ! " ' ' And cannot we do that now" rejoined Kineas, " without wading through such a sea of blood ? "

PLUTARCH, Vit. Pyrrh. ch. 14.

230.

A soldier in the service of Antigonus was noted for his reckless bravery. Observing on one occa- sion that he seemed ill, the king charged his phy- sicians to look after him and cure him, if possible, in case his services should again be required. When however he was restored to health, Anti- gonus was surprised to find him much more cautious in action, and reproached him for it. " Sir," said he, "you are the cause of the change, by getting me cured of a malady which made me reckless of life." Thus it is one thing to care much for valour, and another thing to care little about living.

Ibid. Vit. Pekpid. ch. I.

231.

When the people of Tarentum were engaged in a war against the Romans, a large party of them

GREEK WIT. 6g

proposed to invite the aid of Pyrrhus, as one of the greatest generals of the day. This measure was opposed by the older and more sensible citizens, but the war party refused them even a hearing in the popular assembly. At length one of them, called Meton, hit upon an expedient well suited to the low tastes of a democracy. Dressing himself up as a drunken reveller, and attended by a girl with a flute, he staggered into the assembly the day before the final vote. "Hoorah !" shouted the mob ; ' ' give us a tune and a dance ! Hoorah ! " Thus obtaining a hearing, as if he were just going to perform, he addressed them thus: "Citizens of Tarentum ! You do well in thus allowing this sort of revelry while you can. And if you take my advice, you will make the most of your present liberty, for if Pyrrhus comes here, you will most certainly lose it ! "

PLUTARCH, Vit. Pyrrh. ch. 13.

232.

It was a remark of Aristotle's, that some rich persons make no use of their wealth through their habit of counting their small gains, while others make a bad use of it through their habit of indul-

70 GREEK WIT.

gence ; and if the latter are slaves to pleasure, the former are not less slaves to business.

PLUTARCH, Vit. Pelopid. ch. 3.

233-

Pelopidas, who had married well, and had chil- dren, was reproached by his friends for being careless about money, which, said they, is a necessary thing. " Necessary, no doubt," replied he, "to Nicodemus here," pointing to a man who was both lame and blind. Ibid.

234-

A Laconian, on congratulating Diagoras, who had not only gained an Olympian victory himself, but had lived to see his sons obtain the same honour, and sons and daughters born from them to perpetuate the race, said to him, " Die, Diagoras ! The next highest step, up to heaven, you cannot climb." Ibid. ch. 34.

235-

Philopoemen, the Achaean general, was apt to be careless about his personal appearance. One day, a lady of Megara was told that the general was coming to dinner. Her husband being absent at the

GREEK WIT. 71

time, she felt some difficulty in making the neces- sary preparations. Meanwhile a stranger arrived in rather a shabby military cloak. She, thinking it was one of the general's servants who had pre- ceded him, said to him, " Lend a hand here, will you ? " So the man flung off his cloak, and began at once to split wood. On the husband arriving, he exclaimed, " Philopcemen ! What means this?" "My dear fellow," said the general, "I am only paying the just penalty of my own untidiness. " PLUTARCH, Vit. Philop. ch. 2.

236.

The same, being advised to put himself under training in the wrestling school, on the ground that all such manly exercises must be useful in a sol- dier's life, inquired what this training implied ? "The living by the strictest rules of sleep, diet, and bodily exertion," they replied. " Then," said he, " that won't suit one who never knows when he can sleep or what he may get to eat. No ! your athletics won't do for me." And ever after he not only discouraged, but prohibited all such special training, as tending to make soldiers unserviceable in the emergencies of war. Ibid. ch. 3.

72 GREEK WIT.

237-

Cimon the son of Miltiades was once at a dinner party, when the conversation turned on some of his greatest achievements. He himself, he said, thought the cleverest thing he had ever done was this : — He was asked to award between the Athe- nians and their allies certain Persian prisoners who had been captured at Sestos and Byzantium. Ac- cordingly he put all the captives in one share, and all their clothes and ornaments in another. ' ' That, ' ' said the allies, "is unfair." "Take which you please," said he; "the Athenians will be con- tented with the other share, whichever it is. " So they chose the gold ornaments and purple robes, and Cimon was laughed at for the bad bargain his countrymen had got in a lot of unclad captives trained to no useful trade. Soon, however, the wealthy friends of the captives poured in from Phrygia and Lydia, offering immense sums for the ransom of each captive ; so that besides four months' pay for the fleet there was a round sum for the treasury. "In fact," said Cimon, "I made an uncommonly good thing of that bargain."

PLUTARCH, Vit. dm. ch. 9.

GREEK WIT. 73

238.

A Persian nobleman, who had deserted from the Great King, came to Athens, and taking refuge in Cimon's house, brought thither two crocks, one full of gold, the other of silver coins. "Do you expect to buy me," asked Cimon with a smile, " or to gain me as a friend?" "As a friend," said the man. "Then," said Cimon, "take these away with you ; for when we are friends, of course you will let me have them if I should be in need." PLUTARCH, Vit. dm. ch. 10.

239-

When Athens had been taken by Lysander, the Spartans offered the citizens terms of peace on con- dition of pulling down their long walls and the forti- fications of the harbour, and restoring the prisoners of war. Theramenes voted that the terms should be accepted, when a young orator rose and asked him how he dared to oppose the policy of Themistocles, in surrendering to the Spartans the very walls which he built against their will ? " I do not op- pose him," he replied; "he built the walls to

74 GREEK WIT.

save the citizens, and I propose to pull them down for precisely the same reason."

PLUTARCH, Vit. Lysand. ch. 14.

240.

Lycurgus, the Spartan law-giver, drew upon himself the anger of the rich by his stern opposition to luxury, and on one occasion he was chased out of the public square and compelled to seek shelter in a temple. One of his pursuers, a hot-tempered youth called Alcander, struck him in the face with a stick as he turned round, and knocked out one of his eyes. Nothing daunted, Lycurgus presented himself to the citizens all bleeding from his wound. They, indignant at the treatment he had received, conducted Alcander to the house, and gave him up to Lycurgus. He, however, neither reproached him nor acted with immediate severity towards him, but quietly dismissed his servants, and told Al- cander he would have to do all the house-work ! And he did it with a good spirit, and acknow- ledged to his friends that Lycurgus was a very kind master. Ibid. Vit. Lycurg. ch. n.

241.

The " black broth " at the public dinners of the

GREEK WIT. 75

Spartans was so much liked, that the elders were contented with a good feed of it, and left the rations of meat to the younger men. It is said that one of the kings of Pontus purchased a cook on purpose to make this broth, but on tasting it, expressed his dislike of it. "Sire," said the cook, "it requires a swim in the Eurotas before you dine off this."

PLUTARCH, Vit. Lycurg. ch. 12.

242.

An old Spartan was asked by a stranger, "How do you deal with your fast young men ?" "We have none," was the reply. " But supposing there should be such? " " The fine such an one has to pay is a bull, so tall that it reaches over the top of Mount Taygetus to drink from the Eurotas ! " " How can there be such a big bull ? " asked the stranger. " And how can there be a fast young man under the Spartan discipline ?" rejoined the other.

Ibid. ch. 15.

243-

Lycurgus was once consulted by the Spartans as to the expediency of fortifying the city. The reply

76 GREEK WIT.

was sent in a brief letter: "If Spartans act like bricks, no other material is wanted."

PLUTARCH, Vit. Lycurg. ch. 19.

244.

Antisthenes, seeing the Thebans greatly elated by their defeat of the Spartans at Leuctra, remarked, "They remind me of schoolboys who have just given their master a good thrashing."

Ibid. ch. 30.

245-

Anacharsis, the philosopher of Scythia, once paid a visit to Solon at Athens. He introduced himself as " a stranger who had come to establish a friend- ship with him." "It is better to make friends at home," replied Solon. " Well," said Anacharsis, "you are at home. Do you then make friendship with me" Ibid. Vit. Solon, ch. 5.

246.

Solon went to Miletus on a visit to Thales. Finding his host remaining unmarried, he ex- pressed his surprise that he should feel no desire to have a family. Thales made no reply at the time, but after the interval of a few days he instruc-

GREEK WIT. 77

ted a man to pretend he had brought news to Solon from Athens. " Well ! " said Solon, on re- ceiving the stranger, " and what have you to tell ? " " Nothing very particular," said the man, "except that a fine youth lately died there, and all the city attended his funeral. He was the son of a citizen of great distinction, who was absent somewhere on a visit." " Poor man ! " exclaimed Solon. " And what was his name ? " "I did hear it," replied the man, "but really, I forget it. I know he was called very wise and very just. " Solon began to feel rather uncomfortable. "It wasn't the son of one Solon, was it?" he asked. "Yes, that's the very name ! " said the pretended messenger. At this Solon broke out into expressions of the deepest grief. But Thales, with a laugh, told him of the trick, adding, "You understand now why /do not wish to have a family."

PLUTARCH, Vit. Solon, ch. 6.

247.

Antisthenes hearing that one Ismenias was a good harpist, remarked, " He must be a bad man, or he would not be so good a player. " That the class of men had no character for morality was

78 GREEK WIT,

shown by the reproof of Philip to his son, who had shown great skill on the harp at a banquet. ' ' You ought to be ashamed of yourself for playing so well," he said. PLUTARCH, Vit. Pericl. ch. I.

248.

When Pericles had embarked on his trireme on a naval expedition against the coast of Laconia, a solar eclipse occurred. The pilot was dreadfully frightened, and seemed not to know what was best to be done. So Pericles went up to him, and held his cloak before his face. ' ' Do you see anything very terrible ? " he asked ; " or the forecast of any terrible event?" "I do not," replied the man. " Then," asked Pericles, " what is the difference between this and the eclipse, except that the body which makes the darkness in an eclipse is a little larger than a cloak ? "

Ibid. Vit. Pericl. ch. 35.

249.

Anytus, who was a friend and admirer of Alci- biades, once asked him to dinner to meet a few friends. Alcibiades declined the invitation, but having got tipsy at home, he came to the house

GREEK WIT. 79

with some of his boon companions to see what was going on. Observing that the tables were spread with gold and silver goblets, he bade his servants take half of them, and carry them to his house, but still refused to enter himself. When the com- pany present said to Anytus that they thought he had been very hardly and rudely treated, he re- plied, " On the contrary, very civilly ; he might have taken all, and he has politely left us half." PLUTARCH, Vit. Aldb. ch. 4.

250.

When Eucleidas, a Spartan, was speaking some- what freely about Artoxerxes, the king told the captain of his company to say to him, "You can speak as you like, but remember, a king can both speak and act as he likes. "

Ibid. Vit. Artox. ch. 5.

251.

One Teribazus, who was rather light-headed, was hunting with Artoxerxes, and by accident tore his own dress, which he showed to the king. "What am I to do for you?" said he. "Sir," replied the Persian, "you can put on another dress

8o GREEK WIT.

yourself and give me yours." To please him, the king said, " Very well then, I make you a present of this ; but mind, I do not give you leave to wear it." The man, however, put on the gold chains, and some other portions of dress resembling those worn by women. The nobles were indignant at this violation of court etiquette ; but the king only laughed and said, "You can wear the chains as a woman and the long dress as a maniac ; " and so he evaded the penalty of the law.

PLUTARCH, Vit. Artox. ch. 5.

252.

Certain Indian sophists, taken prisoners by Alexander on the very spot where they were stand- ing in the open air, showed no other signs of emo- tion at the sight either of the king or of his army, than by stamping on the ground with their feet. "Why do they do that?" asked the king. The interpreters replied, " Each of us human beings possesses the ground he stands upon, and no more. You are a human being, like ourselves ; but you, madman and sinner that you are ! have come all this distance from your own station to give both yourself and us trouble. And very soon you will

GREEK WIT, 81

be dead, and then all your possessions will be limited to the earth which holds your body."

ARRIAN, Exped. Alex. vii. ch. i.

253-

Simonides the poet was once asked why he kept up his fondness for money to extreme old age ? " Because," he replied, "I had rather leave my property to my enemies than be without friends in my lifetime." STOB/EUS, Flor. x. 62.

254-

Diogenes used to say, "Dogs in general bite their enemies to worry them ; I bite my friends to save them." Ibid. xiii. 27.

255-

Demonax was asked, When he first began to study Philosophy ? "As soon as I began to con- demn myself," he replied. Ibid. xxi. 8.

256.

The Boeotians were so fond of eels, that when they had caught any very fine ones in the Copaic Lake, they put chaplets on them, like victims, sprinkled them with sacred meal, said over the'm a

2 G

82 GREEK WIT.

dedicatory prayer, and offered them as a sacrifice to their gods. On one occasion a stranger ven- tured to say that he thought this rather an odd cus- tom. A Boeotian who was present made this reply : ' ' Sir, my knowledge of the matter extends to this ; we ought to say, that ancestral customs should be observed, and that it does not concern any one to make any apology for them."

ATHEN. vii. p. 297.

257-

Menecrates, a physician of Syracuse, used to call himself " Zeus," and went about with a number of patients whom he had cured, dressed up as Her- cules, Hermes, or /Esculapius, while " Zeus " himself wore a purple robe, with a golden crown and a sceptre. King Philip, wishing to take the conceit out of him, once asked him and his "gods " to a grand banquet. Accordingly, they were placed apart on a fine divan, with a table on which an altar was placed, with various little " tit-bits " as the offerings of mortals. When the rest of the guests were enjoying a good dinner, the servants were instructed to treat the "gods "only to in- cense and libations. At last, unable to endure the

GREEK WIT. 83

ridicule any longer, " Zeus " and his gods fairly ran away from the banqueting hall.

ATHEN. vii. p. 289.

258.

One Hegesias asked Diogenes to lend him one of his written works. "You are a foolish man," he replied : " you don't take painted figs, but real figs ; yet you take a mere copy of learning, and not the learning which is the genuine fruit of your own thought and experience."

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 4$.

259.

The same, when asked by Dionysius the tyrant, what was the best bronze for making statues, re- plied, " That of which the statues of Harmodins and Aristogeiton are made." Ibid.

260.

The same, when some one inquired how Diony- sius was treating his friends, gave this answer : " Like meal -sacks ; he hangs up those who are full, and he tosses away those who are empty."

Ibid.

84 GREEK WIT.

26l.

The same, seeing a gluttonous man eating olives at a stall, said to him, "If you had always made this kind of breakfast, you would not have indulged in that kind of dinners. "

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 48.

262.

When his friends said to Diogenes, "You are old ; do relax a little ; " he answered, "If I had run the long course in a race, would you have said, ' Do slack your pace a little at the end ? ' "

Ibid. vi. 2, 34. 263.

Leucon, the sovereign ruler of Pontus, discover- ing that one of his courtiers was concerned in a slanderous attack on a friend of his, said to him, ' ' I would have put you to death, only a position such as mine cannot do without scoundrels."

ATHEN. vi. p. 257.

264.

Aristotle used to say, " When things are not as we wish, we should wish them to be as they are." STOB/EUS, Flor. iii. 53.

GREEK WIT. 85

265.

Periander was asked, "What is the greatest thing in the smallest compass?" He replied, " Good sense in a human body."

STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 56.

266.

Pythagoras used to say, ' ' All men declare that sound sense is the greatest of blessings, but very few take any trouble to acquire it." Ibid. 60.

267.

Socrates was reproved by his wife for not ac- cepting the many presents sent by his friends. " If," said he, "we accept everything so readily, we shall have givers even when we don't ask. "

Ibid. 6 1.

268.

Phavorinus said men were for the most part ridiculous, or detestable, or pitiable, but rarely en- viable. A man who from self-conceit aims at what is above him, is ridiculous ; if he attains it, he is odious ; if he misses it, he is pitiable for the failure of his pride." Ibid. iv. 91.

86 GREEK WIT.

269.

;Epictetus used to say that men at a dinner party were content with what was served up to them, and never thought of asking the host for some other dish beside. But in the world men freely ask the gods for what they do not offer us, albeit their bounty is already very great.

STOB^EUS, Flor. iv. 92.

270.

A proffered oath should be accepted on two conditions only; to clear yourself of some foul charge, or to save your friends from some great danger. But never swear by any of the gods, even though honestly, in the cause of money ; for some will charge you with perjury, others with avarice. ISOCRATES, ap. Stob. Flor. xxvii. n.

271.

Plato once told Antisthenes, who was making a tediously long discourse, that the true measure of a speech is not the power of the speaker, but the patience of the hearer.

STOB^EUS, Flor. xxxvii. 22.

GREEK WIT. 87

272.

A young student in the Academy was talking a good deal of nonsense about " Institutions," when he was stopped by a hint from Zeno : "If you don't moisten that tongue of yours with a little sense, you will make still worse mistakes in your discourses." STOB^US, Flor. xxxvii. 23.

273-

Isocrates, the orator, demanded a double fee from a chatterbox called Careon, who had applied to him for instruction in rhetoric. Being asked the reason for so high a charge, Isocrates replied, " One fee is for teaching you to talk, the other for teaching you to hold your tongue." Ibid. 25.

274.

Aristides was asked what gave him the greatest pain during his banishment from Athens ? He re- plied, "The discredit my country incurred for having banished me." Ibid, xxxviii. 28.

275-

The wife of Aristides, who was devoting his whole time and attention to politics, once re-

88 GREEK WIT.

marked to him, " I wish you had thought your own private affairs were public — and the public were private." STOB/EUS, Flor. xxxviii. 30.

276.

Socrates used to say it was easier to keep a hot coal on one's tongue than a secret.

Ibid. xlii. 5. 277.

It was a saying of Agathon's : "A ruler should bear in mind three things : that he rules human beings, that he must rule by law, and that he will not always be a ruler." Ibid. xlvi. 24.

278.

A young man was compelled by his father to turn farmer against his will. Not liking the pro- fession, he went and hanged himself, leaving this written statement: "Farming is a most senseless pursuit, a mere labouring in a circle. You sow that you may reap, and then you reap that you may sow ! Nothing ever comes of it."

Ibid. Iviii. 10. 279. One Pollis, of Agrigentum, was entertained by a

GREEK WIT. 89

hard master of a household, who would not allow his servants even rest at nights, but kept them to some work or other. By way of reproof, he in- vited his friend in return, and after dinner called in a great number of his slaves' children, and good- naturedly gave them nuts and figs. " You've a lot of children in your house," remarked the guest. "It is the night-work of my servants," re- plied Pollis. STOB^EUS, Flor. Ixii. 48.

280.

Some one said to Bion, " Beauty holds empire over man." " I don't think much of an empire," said he, "that can be dissolved by a hair."

Ibid. Ixvi. 5.

281.

Xenophon, at an entertainment given by the tyrant Dionysius, was pressed by the cupbearer to take another goblet. He appealed to his host : " How is it," he asked, " that your chef, whom we all acknowledge to be a first-rate artist, merely places his dishes before us in silence, and does not urge us to eat more when we don't wish ? " ATHEN. x. p. 427.

90 GREEK WIT.

282.

Anacharsis the philosopher was praising the wines of Greece to the King of Scythia, and showed him some cuttings of the vine. " If," he said, " the Greeks had not pruned their vines every year, by this time they would have been in Scythia." ATHEN. x. p. 428.

283.

Socrates was asked what act of their lives people most commonly repented of ? " Marriage, " he replied. STOB/^US, Flor. Ixviii. 30.

284.

Some one remarked to Dorion, the flute-player, that skate was a good fish. " Very much like eating boiled cloak," replied he.

ATHEN. viii. p. 337.

285.

Phalanthus was besieged in the Rhodian city of lalysus by Iphiclus. Trusting to the security of the place, and to an oracle which predicted it never would be taken "till white crows are seen, and fishes have appeared in the wine-bowls," he held

GREEK WIT. 9t

out for a long time. At length Iphiclus got hold of one of Phalanthus' people, who had come for water. " When you pour that in the bowl," h^ said, "mind you let these little fishes go in too " (these he had caught at the spring). Then Iphi- clus caught some crows and let them go, after smearing them with whitewash. When Phalanthus saw white crows, he rushed to the wine-bowl, and lo ! it was full of little fishes ! "It's all up, I see," he exclaimed, and negotiated with Iphiclus for an honourable surrender of the city.

ATHEN. viii. p. 360.

286.

Antagoras was such a glutton that he refused to go to the bath while a bird was being roasted, "lest," he said, "the slaves should suck up the gravy." "Your mother will look to it," said a friend. "What!" replied he, "do you suppose I would trust even my own mother with bird's gravy 1" Ibid. p. 340.

287.

A certain glutton, Theocritus of Chios, had "eaten up" his estate. One day he burnt the

92 GREEK WIT.

roof of his mouth * with a piece of hot fish. "Now," said a friend, "you have only to drink up the sea, and you will have made three of the elements to vanish entirely."

ATHEN. viii. p. 344.

288.

Aristodemus, a noted gourmand, on hearing that a great judge of fish had died from eating it too hot, remarked, "Then Death was guilty of sacrilege." Ibid. p. 345.

289.

A beam having fallen and killed a notoriously bad man, Stratonicus the harper said it was a just judgment, whether there " be more gods " than the rogue thought,2 or "beam or gods " caused his death. Ibid. p. 350.

290.

The same, when one boasted that he had both a teacher of the flute and a player on the flute in his own family, remarked that he only wanted a family audience. Ibid.

1 The Greek also means that the sky had been burnt. Ennius called the vault of heaven "caeli palatum," our word "palate."

3 A pun between Joxo; and Sox<2.

GREEK WIT. 93

291.

Some time after the death of Socrates, Plato was present at a party of his friends, who were in deep dejection. "Cheer up," said Plato, "/'// conduct the school myself. Apollodorus, your good health ! " "I had rather," said Apollodorus, sulkily, "have taken the cup of hemlock from Socrates than the cup of wine from you." For Plato was not popular from his naturally jealous temper. ATHEN. xi. p. 507.

292.

The people of Sybaris were so luxurious and affected that they disliked any kind of hard work. One of them happened to say, that on going into a field he had seen some workmen digging, and took up a spade himself. ' ' Dear me ! " said one of his audience, "my back quite aches to hear you say so !" Ibid. xii. p. 518.

293-

The same people had a great liking for pet dogs and pet monkeys. To one of them who wished to conclude a bargain for a supply of apes from Mauritania, Massinissa the king said, " Do your women, then, not bear children?" Ibid.

94 GREEK WIT,

294.

The same people enacted a law that if any cook or confectioner had invented some special delicacy, he was entitled to the sole use of and profit from it for a year. ATHEN. xii. p. 521.

295-

Timotheus, the son of Conon, was entertained by Plato at a simple dinner in the Academy. Hav- ing been used to costly banquets, and feeling the better for his temperance on the following day, he remarked, when he next met Plato, "You philo- sophers dine better for to-morrow than for to- day." Ibid. x. p. 419. 296.

Pytho of Byzantium was a very fat man. He once said to the citizens, in advising them to make friends after a political dispute, "Gentlemen, you see how stout I am ; well, I have a wife at home who is far fatter than I ! Now, when we are good friends we can sit together on any small sofa ; but when we quarrel, I assure you the whole house cannot contain us ! " Ibid. xii. p. 550.

297.

A parasite, very much reduced by a long illness,

GREEK WIT. 95

met a lady of his acquaintance. "How thin you are !" she exclaimed. " Thin ! " replied he ; " what do you suppose, now, I have eaten for the last three days?" " Either the oil-cruet, or perhaps a pair of shoes," she replied. ATHEN. xiii. p. 584.

298.

A rich man, who had formerly been a slave, had purchased a servant-girl for his household. One day she caught him napping, and noticed the scars left on him by the lash. "What mean these marks?" she asked. " Some hot broth was spilt over me when I was a boy." " I see," said she ; ' ' weal-broth . ' ' Ibid. p. 585 .

299.

A lover of the fair Thais once showed her a quantity of plate which he had borrowed, but pre- tended to be his own. "I intend," he said, "to have all this melted down, and some new plate made." "But," she replied, "you will oblite- rate the owner's marks, you know. " Ibid.

300.

A rich but stingy lover said to the object of his admiration, "You are the Venus of Praxiteles."

96 GREEK WIT.

"And you," she rejoined, "are the Cupid of Pheidias"( thrifty). Ibid.

301.

Diogenes remarked of people who pay great

attention to dreams, that "they care nothing about

the acts they do when wide awake, but care a great

deal about the fancies they have in their dreams."

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 43.

302.

Diogenes and Plato were not very good friends. One day, seeing Plato taking some olives at a grand banquet at Syracuse, Diogenes remarked: "Why does our philosopher come all this way to get good dinners, and then refuse to enjoy them?" Says Plato, " I used to take olives mostly at Athens, Diogenes." " Then why did you sail to Syracuse?" asked Diogenes; "was there no crop of olives in Attica at the time ? "

Ibid. vi. 2, 25.

303.

Diogenes used to say that he had an immense respect for the honesty of slaves who waited at dinner. They saw their masters gorging and cram-

GREEK WIT. 97

ming, and yet abstained from making a snatch at the eatables. DIOG. LAERT. vi. 28.

304-

The same once called out in public, " Hi ! men here !" When a crowd collected, he suddenly fell on them with his stick. "I called for men," he said, " not for such a set of scamps as you."

Ibid. 32.

SOS-

The same, being once asked to dinner, declined, saying, "He was not aware that he was under any obligation to the gentleman." Ibid. 34.

306.

Diogenes, when some one at Samothrace was expressing surprise at the number of offerings made to the local gods in thanksgiving for safe voyages, observed: "There would have been a good many more if all who have been drowned had also made offerings." Ibid. 2, 59.

307.

The same once asked alms of a sour-tempered man, who said, "Try to convince me that I ought 2 H

98 GREEK WIT.

to give." "Had I thought you amenable to reason," said Diogenes, "I should have recom- mended you to go and hang yourself. "

DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 59.

308.

The same used to compare gluttons and spend- thrifts to figs growing on an inaccessible rock. " Man gets no good from them ; only the birds of prey." Ibid. 60.

309-

The same, when Alexander once said to him, " I am Alexander, the great king," replied: "And I am Diogenes, the Cynic." Ibid.

Diogenes, when one asked him how he got the name of Cynic (Dog), replied: " By making friends with those who give, barking at those who don't, and biting rogues and scamps." Ibid.

The same was picking ripe figs from a tree. Some one said, "Do you know a man hanged

GREEK WIT. 99

himself from this unlucky tree only yesterday ? " " I'll soon clear it of the charge," he replied. DIOG. LAERT. vi. 61.

312.

The same, observing an ignorant wrestler pre- tending to give medical advice, said to him, " I suppose you want to lay on his back one of those who formerly floored you" Ibid. 62.

3I3.

The same, hearing certain persons praised for giving him alms, asked, " And have you not a word of praise for the object of their charity ? "

Ibid.

314.

The same, being blamed for looking into some dirty places, answered : "So does the sun; but I never heard that he dirtied himself by it."

Ibid. 63.

315.

Diogenes was once dining in a building attached to a temple. Observing some black-looking bread on the table, he flung it all away, saying: " Let nothing unclean enter here." Ibid. 64.

ioo GREEK WIT.

316.

The same, when some one had hit him with a pole, and then called out, ' ' Take care ! " hit him in return a smart rap with his stick, saying, "Take care ! " DIOG. LAERT. vi. 66.

317.

The same once asked Plato, ' ' Are you writing the 'Laws?' "I am," he replied. "And did you write the 'Republic?'" "Yes." "Well, has not every republic laws of its own ? What was the use of your writing laws over again ? "

STOBJEUS, Flor. xiii. 37.

THE MAXIMS OF THE " SEVEN WISE MEN."1

Go with God. Obey law. Worship the gods. Respect parents. Bear defeat when you deserve it. Decide with knowledge. Hear and understand. Know thyself. Marry only when it is fitting. Be not too proud for a mortal. Know that thou art

1 Most of these sayings are in two words of from two to three syllables each. Such brevity is often impossible in an English translation. In a few instances it is a cause of obscurity in the Greek.

GREEK WIT. 101

a stranger. Honour the hearth.1 Govern thyself. Aid thy friends. Restrain wrath. Make good sense the lesson of life. Prize forethought. Swear not at all Hold friendship in regard. Cling to learning. Aim at getting a good name. Aspire to be wise. Speak well of what is good. Dis- parage no one. Praise virtue. Be just in your dealings. Have a good opinion of friends. Repel 2 enemies. Act always as a gentleman. Ab- stain from vice. Be not exclusive. Keep what is your own ; abstain from what belongs to others. Use good words. Hear everything. Oblige a friend. Do nothing in excess. Econo- mize time. Have an eye to the future. Dislike outrage. Show mercy to suppliants. Suit your- self to all. Educate your sons. Give when you have got. Fear craft. Speak well of all. Make yourself a philosopher. Judge in things lawful.3 Act with full knowledge. Abstain from slaughter. Pray for what is possible. Make friends of the wise. Make sure of a man's morals. Restore what

1 Hospitality, and the ceremonial rites paid at the hearth- stone.

3 Or requite.

3 This would seem to mean, " Do not give a rash decision in things sacred " (oV»« xptvt).

io2 GREEK WIT.

you have taken. Suspect no one. Avail your- self of skill. Give at once what you intend. Value good services. Grudge no man. Never sleep on watch. Praise hope. Hate slander. Make gains justly. Honour the good. Be sure about your judge. Keep authority over mar- riages. Believe in luck. Avoid bail. Converse with all. Make friends of equals. Lead not others into expenses. Take pleasure in acquir- ing. Have respect for modesty. Repay in full a favour. Pray for prosperity. Be content with your fortune. Use eyes as well as ears. Lose not labour on what cannot be gotten. De- test strife. Dislike taunts. Hold your tongue. Repel insolence. Decide justly. Make use of wealth. Take no bribe for a legal inquiry. Blame no one behind his back. Speak with knowledge. Insist not on strong measures. Live in peace. Be gentle in intercourse. Do not shirk your obliga- tions. Be courteous to all. Curse not your sons. Control your tongue. Study your own good. Teach yourself to be affable. Give a reply when it is wanted. Labour with right on your side. So act as not to regret. When you do wrong be sorry for it. Keep guard over your eye. Be not hasty in counsel. Do not stop till you have made an end.

GREEK WIT. 103

Preserve friendship. Be good natured . Try never to disagree. Tell no one a secret. Fear that which has power over you. Pursue what is suited to you. Await the right time. Settle enmities. Look for old age. Boast not of strength. Accustom your- self to good words. Avoid making an enemy. Get rich by honesty. Do not fall short of your reputation. Hate vice. Never be tired of learn- ing. Be prudent in your ventures. Never give up thrift. Hold oracles in respect. Be fond of your household. Fight not against the absent. Re- spect an elder. Teach the younger. Mistrust wealth. Have self-respect. Never commence an outrage. Be a crown of honour to your ancestors. Die for your country. Fight not with life. Laugh not over a corpse. Condole with the unfortunate. Do favours that bring no harm. Be not pained at every annoyance. Let your offspring be from the well-born. Make professions to no one. Wrong not the dead. Think not, because you prosper, that you are a god. Trust not to fortune. As a boy be well-behaved, as a young man have self- control, in middle age be honest, in old age be reasonable. Be resigned to die.

STOB^US, Flor. iii. 80.

io4 GREEK WIT.

319.

Theophrastus said to one who had kept silent at a social party, "If you are uneducated you are wise, if educated foolish."

DIOG. LAERT. v. 2, 40.

320.

Phylarchus says, that the Greeks, in sacrificing to the sun, do not use wine, but only honey, in the libations. It would never do, they say, for a god to get tipsy who has to govern, to visit, and to keep going the whole universe !

ATHEN. xv. p. 693.

321.

Diogenes, seeing the house of a spendthrift ad- vertised for sale, said to it, "I knew that, after such a debauch, you would not long retain your owner on your stomach."

DIOG. LAERT. vi. ii. 47.

322.

Aristippus, who was fond of good cheer, once told his attendants to give two pounds for a par- tridge. When some one blamed him for his ex-

GREEK WIT. 105

travagance, he asked, " Would not you have given two pence for it ? " " Perhaps I might," was the reply. " Well," said Aristippus, " two pounds to me are what two pence are to you."

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 8, 66.

323-

The same, when some one asked him to solve a riddle, replied, " Why do you want to untie that which gives us trouble enough when tied up ? "

Ibid. 70.

324-

Aristippus was asked, why he borrowed money of his friends. " Not for my own benefit," he re- plied, " but to teach them the proper use of wealth." Ibid. 72.

325.

The same was once sailing in a boat with a large sum of money. Discovering that the crew were in reality pirates, he took out his money, counted it before them, and pretended to drop it accidentally into the sea. "Oh dear! oh dear!" he ex- claimed, " there's all my money gone. Oh ! " "Why did you do that?" asked a friend after- wards. "Why," said he, "surely it was better

io6 GREEK WIT.

that the money should be lost through Aristippus, than that Aristippus should be lost through the money." DIOG. LAERT. ii. 4, 77.

326.

A young man was introduced to Aristippus, to become his pupil. "I shall expect ten pounds," said the philosopher. "Ten pounds," said the father; "why, I could buy a slave for that!" "Then buy one," said Aristippus, "and you will have two slaves in your household."

Ibid. ii. 8, 72.

327.

When Croesus became King of Lydia, he ap- pointed his brother as regent equally with himself. Hearing of this, one of the Lydians came to him and said : " Sir, we know that the sun is the source of all that is good and beautiful on earth, and that there would be nothing unless he shone upon it. But if some day we have two suns, everything will be burnt up and destroyed. So also the Lydians accept one King, and regard him as their protector, but they won't stand two. "

STOB^SUS, Flor. xlvii. 20.

CREEK WIT. 107

328.

Solon was once present at a banquet, when a nephew of his sang one of Sappho's odes. He was so delighted with it that he desired his nephew to teach it to him also. " Why do you take such an interest in it?" asked the youth. " That as soon as I have learnt it I may die," replied Solon. STOB^EUS, Flor. xxviii. 58.

329-

Archimedes stuck so closely to the board on which he drew his diagrams, that his attendants had to use force to make him leave it for a time to get washed and anointed. No sooner was the latter operation performed, than he began to draw squares and circles on his oiled skin !

Ibid. 86. 330.

^schylus was a spectator of a boxing-match at the Isthmian games, together with his contem- porary Ion of Chios. One of the combatants, on receiving a terrible blow in the face, remained silent, though there was a loud cry on the part of all present. "See," said ^Eschylus, "what prac- tice will do." /£/</. 87.

io8 GREEK WIT.

331-

Cephisodorus made the shrewd remark, that when people got through their property by ex- travagance, it was invariably inherited, and not gained by their own exertions.

STOB/EUS, Flor. xxviii. 78.

332.

Anaxarchus said that if any one imprecated on another the loss of his hands or his feet, he would be justly angry ; and yet rich people deliberately made those limbs useless to themselves, and then gloried in it. Ibid. xxx. 13.

333-

Cleanthes, who had not uttered a word at a social meeting, was asked if conversation with friends was not a pleasure ? "The more it is so," he replied, " the more we ought to resign it to those for whom we have a special regard."

Ibid, xxiii. 8.

334-

Theocritus was asked by a chatterbox, " Where shall I see you to-morrow ? " " Where I shall not SP^ you," he replied. Ibid, xxxiv. 15.

GREEK WIT. 109

335-

Some one said to Cleostratus, " Are you not ashamed of being drunk ? " " Are not you ashamed," he replied, " of being seen talking to a drunken man?" STOB/EUS, Flor. xxxiv. 17.

336.

Lycurgus, the law-giver, used to say, that a man's credit depended on his fortune, but his credibility on his manner. Ibid, xxxvii. 24.

337-

Socrates used to advise young men to look at themselves often in the mirror. ' ' If you are hand- some," he said, " make yourselves worthy of your looks ; if you have the misfortune to be ugly, use high accomplishments for a veil."

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 16, 33.

338.

Socrates once asked some rich people to dine with him, to the great consternation of his wife Xanthippe. "Never mind, my dear," said he; " if they are reasonable people, they will fall in

no GREEK WIT.

with our ways ; if they prove a bad lot, why, we shall not trouble ourselves about them. "

DIOG. LAERT. ii. 34.

339.

The same, in estimating in the aggregate a num- ber of things of trifling value, said, "One would hardly object to a bad shilling, and then accept a number of the same coins in discharge of a debt."

Ibid. 340.

Socrates, on being informed that he had been condemned to death by the Athenians, replied, " And so have they been by Nature."

Ibid. 35.

341.

The same, on rinding that he had been made a butt for the writers of comedy, said, " We should submit ourselves to their criticisms, for if there is really something wrong in us, we will correct it ; if not, their criticisms need not concern us."

Ibid. 36. 342.

Xanthippe, after roundly scolding him, ended by throwing a pail of water over Socrates. '• I

GREEK WIT. in

told you Xanthippe would bring rain after thun- dering," he remarked. DIOG. LAERT. ii. 36.

343-

Diogenes, observing that the city of Myndus was small, but had large gates, exclaimed,. "Ye men of Myndus ! if you don't shut those gates, your city will get out." Ibid. vi. 2, 57.

344-

Diogenes went up to a fat pleader called Anaxi- menes, and said to him, " If you would give us poor folk some of that paunch of yours, you would be the lighter, and we should be all the better for it." Ibid.

345-

The same, when some one had said to him, "You pretend to be a philosopher, but know nothing," rejoined, " Even pretending to be learned, shows a fondness for it. " Ibid. 64.

346.

The city of Mylasa in Caria stands under the brow of a steep hill, in which are quarries of fine white marble. The material was found useful for constructing the public buildings, but the site was dangerous from the chance of landslips. A go-

Ti2 GREEK WIT.

vernor of the district, observing this, remarked, that if the founder of the city had no sense of fear, he might at least have had some respect for his own reputation. STRABO, lib. xiv. p. 659.

347-

Alabanda in Caria lies between two hills, which give the town some resemblance to an ass between two panniers. As the neighbourhood swarms with scorpions, one Apollonius, a ban vivant of the place, said of it, "Alabanda is nothing better than two panniers full of scorpions. " Ibid. p. 660.

348.

One of the sayings of Chilo of Sparta was : " Prefer loss to dishonest gain ; the former vexes you for a time, the latter will bring you lasting r-ernorse." DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 70.

349-

Bias of Priene used to say, " The most unfor- tunate of all men is he who cannot bear mis- fortune." ~~~~fbid. i. 5, 86.

350.

The same, when asked what most men regarded as the chief pleasure of life, replied, " Money- making." Ibid.

GREEK WIT. 113

351.

Socrates used to say, " A man can no more make a safe use of wealth without reason, than he can of a horse without a bridle."

STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 90.

352.

The same observed that, "You might as well expect a weak man to bear_a-bttKten as a fool to bear_pjx>sperity." Ibid. iv. 64.

353-

Democritus said, "Men of no mind desire to become old merely because they are afraid to die. "

Ibid. 81.

354-

Diogenes was once strolling backwards, under a portico, when he noticed some persons laughing at him. "Are you not ashamed," he asked, "to find fault with my back-stepping, when you your- selves have been back-sliding all through life ? "

Ibid. 84.

355-

Zeno, the Stoic, had a way of quietly bantering those whom he wished to ridicule. One day, when a young fop showed some hesitation in crossing a

2 I

n4 GREEK WIT.

small watercourse, Zeno observed, " He doesn't like mud. It won't reflect his pretty face as well as clear water does."

DIOG. LAERT. vii. i, 17.

356.

The same, when a Cynic philosopher asked him for a little oil in his cruet, replied, "Shan't! Now go home and consider which of us two has the greater impudence." Ibid.

357-

The same, when his pupil Aristo was talking in a random way, said to him, " I should say your father was tipsy when he begot you." Ibid. 18.

358.

The same, when some one remarked that he dis- liked most of the doctrines of Antisthenes, quoted to him a pregnant sentence from Sophocles. " Do you see anything good in that?" he asked. "I don't know," said the other. " Then why do you select only the bad sayings of Antisthenes ? May there not be some good in him also which you -don't know' of?" Ibid. 19.

GREEK WIT. 115

359-

A wealthy and good-looking youth from Rhodes, not remarkable for intelligence, pressed Zeno for instruction, and seemed unwilling to leave him. The philosopher, in the first place, made him sit down on a dusty bench, that he mighL-Soil-his smart cloak^and afterwards brought him into close contact with some ragged beggars. The young man very soon left him. DIOG. LAERT. vii. 22.

360.

Zeno was once present at a banquet of talkers, and did not utter a word. When he was reproached for this, he said, "Go and tell the host that one of his guests, at least, knows how to hold his tongue. "

Ibid. 24.

36i.

Crates was once trying to drag Zeno by his cloak from a lecture given by Stilpo. " A philosopher's hold," said Zeno, "should be on the ear, not on the gown. Persuade me, draw me by that, and I will go with you. Otherwise, my body only will be with you, but my heart will remain with Stilpo."

Ibid. I. 24.

«6 GREEK WIT.

362.

Plato was in a great rage with one of his slaves, and said to him, "Thank the gods that your master is in a passion, or depend upon it, he would have punished you."

STOB/EUS, Flor. xx. 43.

363-

Socrates, being asked why he never wrote books, replied, " Because I see that the paper is worth much more than any thing I could put upon it." Ibid. xxi. 9.

364-

Socrates, being asked his definition of a Snob, replied, " One who looks down upon others who are really his_equals," Ibid. xxii. 38.

365.

Hegemon of Thasos was nicknamed "Pulse." On one occasion he came into the theatre to act in a comedy, and surprised the audience by suddenly pouring a lapful of pebbles from the stage into the orchestra. "Pelt me, if you please," he ex- claimed ; " but I maintain that Pulse is not a bad entertainment either in summer or in winter. " ATHEN. ix. p. 406.

GREEK WIT. 117

366.

"Art without practice," Protagoras used to say, " avails as little as practice without art."

STOB^US, Flor. xxix. 80.

367.

Nicias was so fond of active work that he used often to ask his servants, "Have I been to the bath ? " " Have I had breakfast ? " Ibid. 85.

368.

Plutarch observes that envy is like smoke, - there is a great deal of it in those who are begin- ning, but it vanishes when they flare up, and be- come illustrious. This, he adds, is the reason why old men are seldom the objects of envy.

Ibid, xxxviii. 31.

369.

Socrates said, " Those who walk the path of fame are as certain to be attended by envy as those who walk in the sunshine by their own shadows. "

Ibid. 35.

370. Pythagoras held that the downward career of

n8 GREEK WIT.

cities was through the entrance of luxury first, of possessing more than we want next, of outrage and insolence in the third place, and of ruin in the fourth and last. STOB^EUS, Flor. xliii. 79.

37L

Artaxerxes was requested by his chamberlain to do something which he thought very unfair. Find- ing on inquiry that the man had been bribed to make the request, he ordered ^30,000 to be brought. " Take it," he said ; " I shall be none the poorer for giving this, but I should be much more unjust for doing that."

PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap. Artax. 4.

372.

Ateas, King of the Scythians, having taken prisoner a first-rate flute player called Ismenias, asked him for a tune. The performance was highly applauded by the court ; but Ateas merely said, " I had rather hear my horse neigh."

Ibid. Ateas.

373- Dionysius the elder paid special honour to an

GREEK WIT. 119

unprincipled man who was greatly disliked by the citizens. When blamed for this, he replied, " It is my wish to have some one who is more hated than myself." PLUTARCH, Dionys. n.

374-

The younger Dionysius was asked how it came to pass that his father, a man of no fortune, and a private citizen, attained to the sovereignty of Syra- cuse, while he, the son and successor, had lost it ? "The reason is this," he replied; "my father assumed the government when the people were tired of democracy ; but I succeeded him when they were tired of sovereignty. " Ibid. Dion. jun. 4

375-

Alexander, the putative son of Antiochus Epi- phanes, was very partial to one Diogenes, an As- syrian by birth, and a follower of the Stoics, but a man of immoral life, and churlish and satirical temper. This person preferred to his patron a re- quest not very consistent in a philosopher — to be allowed to wear a purple garment and a golden crown with a design in the centre representing Virtue. Alexander consented, and even made

J2o GREEK WIT.

him a present of the crown. But the man had a secret attachment to a certain actress,1 and made her a present of his newly acquired finery. Hear- ing of this, Alexander invited Diogenes to meet at a banquet a large party of distinguished men and philosophers. " And bring with you your crown and your robes," added the King. On the man alleging as an excuse, that it was "not a fit occa- sion for wearing them, " the actress was suddenly introduced to give a performance, and lo ! she ap- peared with the crown of Virtue and the purple robe ! A roar of laughter broke out from the guests, but Diogenes was not disconcerted, and praised her performance from beginning to end.

ATHEN. v. p. 211.

376.

The mother of Brasidas, having been told of her son's death in the battle at Amphipolis, asked the messengers whether he died with honour, and in a manner worthy of his country. On their assuring her that "No Spartan could have been braver," she remarked, " Well, strangers, he was a brave

1 The word (XwnwJoj) is used in the feminine, but it seems to mean a man who acts a woman's part.

GREEK WIT. 121

and good lad ; but, thank heaven ! Sparta has many better." PLUT. Lacaen. Apoph.

377-

A Spartan woman had five sons who had gone out as soldiers. Expecting the issue of a battle, she took a position in the suburb to hear the first news. When the answer was given to her inquiry, that all her sons were killed, she exclaimed, "Vile slave ! I did not ask that, but how my country has fared." "It is victorious," they replied. "Then," said she, "I am content to hear even of the death of my sons. " Ibid.

378.

Certain refugees came from Chios to prefer com- plaints against Paedaretus. His mother Teleutia sent for them, and finding from them that her son was clearly in the wrong, she wrote to him with Laconian brevity, " Either behave better, or stay where you are and give up all idea of returning to Sparta." Ibid.

379-

Nearchus, describing the cleverness of the Indians in art, informs us how they succeeded in making an artificial sponge, having seen a real one

122 GREEK WIT.

in Alexander's camp. They took hair, bits of fine string, and some threads, and sewed them into a ball of wool. Then they worked it into a compact mass like felt, pulled it out again into holes, and imitated the natural tints by colours.

STRABO, lib. xv. p. 717.

380.

There are three principal forms of government in the world — absolute sovereignty, oligarchy, and democracy. The conduct of the first two depends on the disposition of the rulers ; that of the last, on the laws that have been established.

;£SCHINES, Contra Timarch. p. 29.

The Persians had a custom, on the death of their

king, to suspend for five days the action of the

laws. Thus the real value of law, and of a king to

administer it, was forcibly impressed on the people.

STOB/EUS, Flor. xliv. 41.

382.

Bias, when about to condemn a criminal to death, burst into tears. " What ! " said one pre-

GREEK WIT. . 123

sent, " you, the judge, show this pity 1 " " I can- not help," he replied, "paying this tribute to nature, while I give my vote for the law."

STOB/EUS, Flor. xlvi. 67.

383.

Hiero, king of Syracuse, was taunted by some one for having "foul breath." He blamed his wife for not having told him of the defect. " I supposed," she said, " it was a peculiarity of your sex." PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Hiero 3.

384-

When the same charge was brought against the poet Euripides, he pleaded as the reason that " many secrets had grown stale on his tongue." STOB/EUS, Flor. 237, 58.

385.

Antigonus the elder communicated to his son Demetrius his intention to put Mithridates to death, but bound him by a solemn oath ' ' not to speak of it." Demetrius took Mithridates a walk by the seaside, and wrote on the sand with the end .of his spear, "Run." Mithridates took the hint, and

124 GREEK WIT.

escaped to Pontus, where he afterwards became king. PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Antig. 18.

386.

Some one was praising, in the hearing of King Agesilaus, an orator who was clever at making much of a small matter. " I should never call him a good cobbler," said he, "who makes a large shoe for a small foot."

PLUT. Apoph. Lac. Ages. 3.

387.

Charillus, the Spartan, being asked the reason of the custom of unmarried girls being unveiled, but married women being muffled, replied, " Be- cause the girls have to find husbands, but the wives to keep those who own them."

Ibid. Char. 2. 388.

Theophrastus was asked to define Love. " It is the affection of a mind," he replied, " that has nothing better to engage it. "

STOB^EUS, Flor. bciv. 29.

389. Prodicus said that, if you doubled Desire you

GREEK WIT. 125

would get Love for the result ; if you doubled Love, you would get Madness.

STOB^US, Flor. Ixiv. 28.

390.

Aristotle was asked, " Why is Love a love of the beautiful?" He answered, "That is the question of a blind man." Ibid. Ixv. 14.

391-

Cleanthes the Stoic was often bantered by his fellow- students, who gave him the nickname of "Ass." "I may be an ass, " he good-naturedly replied, " but I am the only one of you who can carry the burden which Zeno, our founder, has placed on our backs."

DIOG. LAERT. vii. 5, 170.

392.

The same was often heard reproaching himself; and, on one of these occasions, Aristo asked him, " Whom are you finding fault with ?" " With an old man, "he replied, "who has got grey hairs, but has not got much sense under them."

Ibid. 171.

ia6 GREEK WIT.

393-

The same, when someone remarked, " Arcesi- laus has very lax views about the Duty of Man," replied, "Don't blame him ; his actions are better than his lectures." "Well," said Arcesilaus. " you don't flatter me, certainly ! " " Yes, my friend," said Cleanthes, "it is a compliment, in your case, to affirm that you preach one thing and practise another."

DIOG. LAERT. vii. 171.

394-

Chrysippus used to propose to his pupils such lessons in dialectics as the following: "What is not in the town cannot be in any private house. But there is no well in the town ; therefore there is no well in any private house." Again: "If someone is at Megara, he cannot be at Athens. But man is at Megara ; therefore man is not at Athens." Again: "What you say, comes from your mouth. But you say, * a waggon ; ' therefore a waggon comes out of your mouth." Again: " Head has an abstract existence : you do not pos- sess that ; therefore you have no head. " And, again : " If you have not lost a thing, you have it.

GREEK WIT. 127

But you have not lost horns ; therefore you have horns." DIOG. LAERT. vii. 7, 186-7.

395- -

One of the favourite doctrines of Pyrrho was Indifferentism, and the absence of any special likes and dislikes. One day he passed by his friend and companion Anaxarchus, who had fallen into a dirty pond, and rendered him no help. Some blamed him for this ; but Anaxarchus himself praised his indifferentism. But on another occa- sion, when he showed grief for the loss of his sister, he excused himself on the plea that " the poor woman was not a fit subject for indiffe- rentism." And once when he ran away from a fierce dog, he remarked, "It is difficult to rid one's self entirely of the human."

Ibid. ix. 63, 66.

396.

When a state has some public work to execute, it advertises for contracts to do the work in the best and cheapest way. Suppose, now, the work required is to make human life miserable. Vice and Luck are sure to compete. Says Luck, "/'// bring you wars, murders, storms at sea, bad

ia8 GREEK WIT,

seasons, pestilence, false accusations, fines, and imprisonment ! " Says Vice : "Here I am, stripped of all external aids ; I want none of the appliances that Luck boasts of. What do men care for poverty, or cold, heat, slavery, nay, for death itself? Many are indifferent to, some even glory in these things ! No ! Luck cannot make misery. Try Me ! "

PLUTARCH, An vitiosiias ad infelicitatem sufficiat.

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