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INTRODUCTION.

I originally intended to divide this answer, by Nash to Harvey’s “ Pierce’s Supererogation”, into two parts ; but, upon reconsi- deration, I have thought it better to give the whole tract at once : Harvey’s reply to Nash, under the pseudonome of Litch- field, the Barber of Cambridge, will conclude the famous literary controversy. There may, possibly, be some delay in procuring a transcript of the last, because I shall probably be obliged to make it myself, knowing nobody, in the depository where the sole exemplar is found, in whom I can perfectly confide for accuracy.

My reprint of Harvey’s “ Trimming of Thomas Nash” will be preceded by a succinct list of all the known tracts on both sides of the question, in the precise order in which they ought to be read by those who wish to obtain a knowledge of the origin and progress of the “ flyting”. Generally speaking, Nash has so much the better of his adversary in wit, ridicule, and satire, that we are hardly disposed to do justice to the varied learn- ing and heavy arguments of Harvey : if Harvey had not liked himself so well, every body would have liked him better. Nash’s style is all spirit and animation, while that of his antagonist is comparatively lumbering and clumsy, with here and there a laborious attempt at vivacity. If Harvey be at any time at all successful in this line, it is usually an imitation of the well-salted sallies of his younger adversary. Harvey at about fifty had

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certainly read more books than Nash at about five and twenty ; but such weapons as Nash possessed he used with uncommon dexterity, and thrust his venomous rapier into every crevice of his antagonist’s unwieldy armour.

Although some little time may elapse before I am able to present my friends with Harvey’s conclusion of the contest (when, in fact, it was terminated by the interposition of public authori- ties, owing partly to the coarse, and even dirty, personal abuse into which it was degenerating) I shall continue my present Yellow Series of “ Miscellaneous Tracts” at only short intervals, relying upon the recipients for that pecuniary support, without which it will be impossible to proceed, and which, as hitherto, shall be regulated by the strictest economy. All I ever want is to save myself harmless, and to produce only as many copies as will pay the expense of print, paper, and transcript.

I have also determined to pass through the press “ Church- yard’s Chips” : he was a poet contemporary even with Surrey and Wyat, and his miscellany, which appeared in 1575, contains various productions of a considerably earlier date ; but I shall not be able to reprint it, unless I am soon favoured with a remittance of £1 to be applied to this especial object. Perhaps this notice, though a little out of place here, may be sufficient.

The next issue of my Yellow Series will be a small, nearly unique, production by one of the humourists of the reigns of Elizabeth and James I, of whose abilities I have not yet sup- plied any specimen. J. P. C.

vVfTAA^ 3

HAVE WITH YOU TO SAFFRON-WALDEN :

OR,

GABRIELL HARVEYS HUNT IS UP.

Containing a full A nfwere to the eldeft fonne of the Halter-maker :

• OR,

NASHE HIS CONFUTATION OF THE SINFULL DOCTOR.

The Mott or Pofie, in ftead of Omne tulit punctwn , Pads fiduda nunqnam.

As much to fay , as I fayd I would fpeake with him.

Printed at London by John Danter.

1596.

To the mofl Orthodoxall and reverent Corrector of flaring haires, the fmcere and jinigraphicall ram- Jier of prolixious rough barbarifme , the thrice egre- gious and cenforiall animadvertifer of vagrant moustachios , chiefe fcavinger of chins , and princi- pall Head-man of the parifh wherein he dwells , fpeciall fupervisor of all excrementall superfluities for Trinitie Colledge in Cambridge, and (to con- clude) a not able and fingular benefactor to all beards in generally Don Richardo Barbaroffa de Caefario, Tho. Nafhe wifheth the highest toppe of his contentment and felicitie, and the fhortning of all his enemies.

A CUTE and amiable Dick, not Die mihi mufa virum , mufing Dick, that ftudied a whole yeare to know which was the male and female of red herrings ; nor Die obfecro , Dick of all Dickes, that, in a church where the organs were defac’d, came and ofifred himfelfe with his pipe and taber ; nor old Dick of the Caftle, that upon the newes of the Ioffe of Calisy went and put a whole bird-fpit in the pike of his buckler; nor Dick Swafh, or defperate Dick, that’s fuch a terrible cutter at a chyne of beefe, and devoures more meate at Ordinaries, in difeourfing of his fraies and deep adling of his flafhing and hewing, than would ferve halfe a dozen brewers dray-men ; nor Dick of the Cow , that mad demilance northren borderer, who plaied his prizes with the lord Jockey

Quafi conver- fant about heads.

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The Epistle Dedicatorie.

fo bravely ; but paraphrafticall gallant patron Dick, as good a fellow as ever was Heigh fill the pot hofleffe; curteous Dicke, comicall Dicke, lively Dicke, lovely Dicke, learned Dicke, olde Dicke of Lichfield, jubeo te plurimum falvere , which is, by interpretation, I joy to heare thou haft fo pro- fited in gibridge.

I am fure thou wondreft not a little what I meane, to come uppon thee fo ftraungelye with fuch a huge dicker of Dickes in a heape altogether ; but that’s but to fhew the redundance of thy honorable familie, and how affluent and copious thy name is in all places, though Erafmus , in his Copia Verborum , never mentions it.

Without further circumftance, to make fiiort , (which, to fpeake troth, is onely proper to thy trade,) the fhort and long of it is this : — There is a certaine kinde of Do6tor of late very pittifully growen bald, and thereupon is to be fhaven immediately, to trie if that will helpe him ; now, I know no fuch nimble fellow at his weapon in all England as thy felfe, who (as I heare) ftandft in election at this inftant to bee chiefe Crowner or clipper of crownes in Cambridge , and yet no defacer of the queenes coyne neither : and it is pittie but thou fhouldft have it, for thou haft long ferv’d as a clarke in the crowne office, and concluded fyllogifmes in barbara anie time this fixteene yeare, and yet never metft with anie requitall, except it were fome few French crownes , pild friers crownes, drye fhaven, not fo much worth as one of thefe Scottifh home crownes ; which (thy verie enemies muft needes confeffe) were but bare wages, (yea, as bare as my nayle, i faith,) for thy brave defert and dexteritie : and fome fuch thinne gratuitie or haire-loome it may be the do6tor may prefent thee with ; but how ever it falls , hath his

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head or his hayre the falling fickneffe never fo, without anie more delay, of or on , trimm’d hee muft bee with a trice, and and there is no remedie, but thou muft needes come and joyne with me to give him the terrible cut.

Wherefore (good Dick) on with thy apron, and arme thy felfe to fet him downe at the firft word : ftand to him , I fay, and take him a button lower : feare not to fhew him a knacke of thy occupation, and once in thy life let it be faid, that a do£tor weares thy cloth , or that thou haft caufd him to doo pennance, and weare haire-cloth for his finnes. Were he as he hath been (I can affure thee) he would clothe and adorne thee with manie gracious gallant complements ; and not a rotten tooth that hangs out at thy fhop window, but should coft him an indefinite Turkifh armie of English hexameters. O ! he hath been olde dogge at that drunken, ftaggering kinde of verfe, which is all up hill and downe hill, like the way betwixt Stamford and Beechfeeld ’ and goes like a horfe plunging through the myre in the deep of winter, now fouft up to the faddle, and ftraight aloft on his tiptoes. Indeed, in old king Harrie finceritie, a kinde of verfe it is hee hath been enfeoft in from his minoritie ; for, as I have bin faith- fully informed, hee firft cryde in that verfe in the verie moment of his birth ; and when he was but yet a frefh-man in Cambridge he fet up Siquiffesy and fent his accounts to his father in thofe joulting heroicks. Come, come, account of him as you lift, by Poll and Aedipoll I proteft, your noble fcience of decifion and contradlion is immortally beholding to him, for twice double his patrimonie hath he fpent in carefull cherishing and preferving his pickerdevant ; and befides, a devine vicarly brother of his, called A ftrologicall Richard \ fome few yeares fince (for the benefit of his coun-

Barbers knacking their fingers.

Theyr loufy naprie they put about mens neckes, whiles they are trimming.

Siquis, a bill for any thing loft.

For division and contrac- tion.

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Therfore be- like hee gave it that title, becaufe it was moft of it fhort haire his father made ropes of.

trey) moft ftudioufly compyled a profound abridgement upon beards , and therein copioufly dilated of the true difcipline of peakes, and no leffe fruteleffely determined betwixt the fwallowes taile cut, and the round beard like a rubbing brush. It was my chaunce (O thrice bleffed chaunce !) to the great comfort of my Mufe to perufe it, although it came but privately in print ; and for a more ratefied pafport (in thy opinion) that I have read it and digefted it, this title it beareth,^ Defence of fhort haireagainft Synefius and Pierius; or rather, in more familiar English to expreffe it, a dash over the head againft baldnes, verie neceffary to be obferved of al the loofer fort, or loofe haird fort, of yong gentlemen and courtiers, and no leffe pleafant and profitable to be remem- bred of the whole common-wealth of the barbars. The pofie theretoo annexed, Prolixior eft brevitate fua; as much to fay, as burne bees and have bees, and hair the more it is cut the more it comes ; lately devifed and fet forth by Richard Harvey, the unluckie prophet of prodigies. If this may not fettle thy beleefe, but yet thou requireft a further token to make up even money, in the Epiftle Dedicatorie thereof to a great man of this land, whom he calls his verie right honourable good Lord, he recounteth his large bounties beftowed uppon him, and talkes of the fecret favours which hee did him in his ftudie or clofet at court.

Heare you Dick ! marke you here what a jewell this learn- ing is ! how long will it be ere thou ftudie thy felfe to the like preferment ? No reafon I fee why thou, being a barber, shouldft not bee as hair-braind as he. Onely for writing a booke of beards, in which he had no further experience, but by looking on his father when he made hairs, hair lines I meane, and yet not fuch lines of life as a hangman hath in

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his hand, but haire lines to hang linnen on ; for that fmal demerit (I fay) is he thus advanced and courted, and from aftrologicall Dick raifed to be favorite Dick. And verie meete it is he should be fo favored and raifd by high perfonages, for before he was as low a parfon or vicar as a man could lightly fet ey on.

With teares be it fpoken, too few fuch lowly parfons and preachers we have, who, laying afide all worldly encum- brances, and plefant converfing with Saint Auften , Jerome , Chrifoftome , wilbe content to read a ledlure, as he hath done, de lana caprina , (almoft as {lender a caft fubjedt as a catts fmelling haires,) or traverfe the fubtile diftindlions twixt Jhort cut and long taile.

Fie ! this is not the fortieth dandiprat part of the afifedtion- ate items hee hath bequeathed on your myfterie : with five thoufand other dodlrinal devotions hath he adopted him- felfe more than a by founder of your trade, conjoyning with his aforefaid dodlor brother in eighty eight browne bakers dozen of almanackes.

In everie of which famous annals of the foure windes

unfallible rules are prefcribd for men to obferve the beft time to breed love-lockes in, and fo to ringle a thorough hayre for rooting, that it fhall never put foorth his fnayles homes againe ; as alfo under what planet a man maye with leaft danger picke his teeth, and how to catch the fun in fuch a phificall figne, that one may fweare and be not a haire the worfe.

But thefe amplifications adjourned to another returne, all the devoyre, diamond Dick, which I am in this epiftle of thy daintie compofition to expoftulate, is no more but this : that fince under thy redoubted patronage and pro-

Some holde, that anyplace of a mans chin, beeing rubd with a gold ring, beeing heated, will fo harden the flrin, that there fhall never anie haire grow there more.

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The Epistle Dedicaiorie.

Beftellein, the royalleft Paffe in Germanie that may bee, onely for Dukes and great princes.

A lance, an instrument to let bloud with.

tedtion my workes are to have their royal Beftellein , and more than common fafe conduct into the world, and that for the meridian of thy honour and magnificence they are chiefely elevated and eredted, thou wouldft bravely mount thee on thy barbed fteed, alias thy triumphant barbers chaire, and girding thy keene Palermo rafour to thy fide, in ftead of a trenchant Turkifh femitorie, and fetting thy fharpe pointed launce in his reft, be with them at a haires bredth that backbite and detradl me.

Phlebothomize them, fting them, tutch them, Dick, tutch them ; play the valiant man at armes , and let them bloud and fpare not : the lawe allowes thee to doe it, it will beare no adtion ; and thou, beeing a barber furgeon, art priviledgd to dreffe flefh in Lent or anie thing.

Admit this be not fufficient to coole the heat of their courage, ferch them in another vaine, by difcharging thy pocket dags againft them, and let them fmart for it to the proofe.

Steele thy painted May-pole, or, more properly to tearme it, thy redoubted rigorous horfmans ftaffe (which at thy dore as a manifeft figne thou hangft forth of thy martiall proweffe and hardiment) on their infolent creafts that maligne and defpife me, and forbeare not to bring forth all thy braffe peeces againft them. It is well knowen thou haft been a commaunder and a fouldier ever fince Tilbury Campe , and earlie and late walkt the round , and dealt verie Jhort and round with all thofe that come under thy fingers, ftrugle[d] through the foamie deepe, and fkirmifht on the downes : wherefore, if thou tak’ft them not downe foundlie, with a hey downe and a derry, and dooft not fhuffle and cut with them luftilie, aPtum eft de pudicitia; I afke of God thou

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maift light upon none but bald-pates till thou dieft. But I trow thou wilt carry a better pate with thee, and not fufifer any of thefe indigent old fafhiond judgements to carry it away ; whofe wits were right ftuffe when thofe love-letters in rime were in requeft, and whofe capacities never mended their pace, fince Pace, the Duke of Norfolkes foole, died. As for the decaied Prodlor of Saffron- Walden himfelf, if he wander within the precindls of thy indignation, I make no queftion but of thy owne accord, without any motion of mine, thou wilt be as ready as any catchpoule, out of all fcotch and notch, to torment him, and deal as fnip fnap fnap- pifhly with him, as ever he was delt withall fince he firft dated letters from his gallerie in Trinitie Hall; not fufifring a lowfe that belongs to him to paffe thy hands without a powling penny : and yet, as I fhrewdly prefage, thou fhalt not finde many powling pence about him neither, except he rob Peter to pay Powle, empoverifh his fpiritual vicar brother to helpe to pay for his powling; and he, alas ! (dolefull foure nobles curate, nothing fo good as the confeffour of Tyburne, or fuperintendent of P ancredge^) hath nittifide himfelfe with a difh, rotunde profunde, any time this fourteene yeare, to fave charges of fheep-fh earing ; and, not to make of a thing more than it is, hath fcarce fo much ecclefiafticall living in all, as will ferve to buy him cruell ftrings to his bookes, and haire buttons.

Wherefore I paffe not if, in tender charitie and commifera- tion of his eftate, I adde ten pound and a purfe to his wages and ftipend, canvaze him and his angell brother Gabrieli in ten fheetes of paper, and fo leave them to goe hang them- felves ; or outright to hang, draw, and quarter them al under one, I care not if I make it eighteen, on that con-

C

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dition, in their laft will and teftament they bequeath me eighteene wife words in the way of anfwere betwixt them.

I dare give my word for them, they will never doe it ; no, not although it were injoynd to them in ftead of their neck- verfe, their whole ftock of wit, when it was at the beft, beeing but ten Englifh hexameters and a Lenvoy. Where- fore, generous Dick, (without hum drum be it fpoken) I utterly defpaire of them ; or not fo much defpaire of them, as count them a paire of poore ideots, being not only but alfo two brothers, two blockheads, two blunderkins, having their braines ftuft with nought but balder-dafh^ but that they are the verie botts and the glanders to the gentle readers, the dead palfie and apoplexie of the preffe, the farpego and the fciatica of the feven liberall fciences, the fu[r]fetting vomit of Ladie Vanitie, the fworne bands to one anothers vain-glorie ; and, to conclude, the moft contempti- ble Mounjier Ajaxes of excrementall conceipts, and ftinking kennel-rakt up invention that this or anie age ever af- forded.

I pry thee, furmounting Donzel Dick , whiles I am in this heate of invective, let me remember thee to do this one kindnes more for me ; videlicet , when thou haft frizled and fcrubd and tickled the haires fweetly, and that thou haft filcht thy felfe into an excellent honourable affembly of fharpe judiciall fierie wits and fine fpirits, bee it this winter at an evening tearme, or where ever, with all the thundring grace and magnanimous eloquence that thou haft, put up this hieroycall grace in their behalfe, if thou bee not paft grace.

A Grace put up in behalfe of the Harveys. Supplicat reverentiis veftris, per apoftrophen, &c.

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

1 1

In Englifh thus :

Mojl humblie fueth to your Reverences , the reprobate brace of brothers of the Harveys ; to wit , witleffe Gabrieli and ruffing Richard : That whereas for anie time this foure and tiventie yeare they have plaicd the fantaflicall gub-fhites and goof e-giblets in print , and kept a hate full fcribbling arid a pampleting about earth-quakes , conjunctions , inundations, the fearfull blazing fiarre, and the forfworne flaxe-wife ; and tooke upon them to be falfe prophets , weather-wizards, fortune- tellers, poets , philofophers , orators , hiforiographers, mounte- bankes , ballet-makers , and left no arte undefamed with their filthie dull-headed practife ; it may pleafe your Worfhips and Maferfliips, thefe infidell premiffes confidered ', and that they have fo fidly performed all their acts in ab fur ditie, impudence, and foolerie, to grant them their abfolute graces, to commence at Dawes Croffe, and with your general fubferiptions confirm them for the profoundef Arcandums, Acarnanians, and dizards, that have been dif covered fonce the deluge, and J'o let them paffe throughout the Queenes dominions .

Purpofely that fpace I left, that as manie as I fhall per- fwade they are Pachecoes, Poldaviffes , and Dringles, may fet their hands to their definitive fentence, and with the clearke helpe to crye Amen to their eternall unhandfom- ming.

Plie them, plie them unceffantlv, unico Dick, even as a water-man plies for his fares ; and infinuate and goe about the bufli with them, like as thou art wont to infinuate and go about the grizlie bufhie beard of fome favage Saracen

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The Epistle Dedicatorie.

butcher, and never furceafe flaunting and firking it in fuftian, till under the Univerflties united hand and feale they bee enadled as obfolcete a cafe of cockes-combes as ever he was in Trinitie Colledge , that would not carrie his tutors bow into the field becaufe it would not edifie ; or his fellow qui quce codshcad , that in the Latine tragedie of K. Richard ’ cride, Ad urbs , ad urbs , ad urbs ! wrhen his whole part was no more, but Urbs , urbs , ad arma , ad arma !

Shall I make a motion which I would not have thee thinke I induce to flatter thee neyther, thou being not in my walke, whereby I might come to wafh my handes with thee a mornings, or get a fprinkling or a brufhing for a brybe : wilt thou commence and make no more ado, fince thou haft almoft as much learning, and farre more wit, than the two brothers, or eyther of thofe profound qui mihi dif- ciptdaffes above mentioned ?

Nowverely (I perfwade-mee) if thou wouldft attempt it, not all the Gabriels betwixt this and Godmanchefter , put together, wold make a more perpolite cathedral dodtor than thy felfe ; for all language at thy fingers ende thou haft as perfe<5t as Spruce , and nere a Dicke Harvey , or cathedral do6lor of them all, can read a more fmooth fuccindl Lipjian le<5lure of fhort haire than thou over thy barbars chaire, if thou bee fo difpofed, nor ftand and encounter all commers fo conftantly.

Dick, I exhort thee as a brother, be not a horfe to forget thy own worth : thou art in place where thou maift promote thy felfe; do not clofe-prifon and eclipfe thy vertues in the narrow glaffe lanthorne of thy barbers fhop, but refledl them up and downe the realme, like to thofe profpective glaffes ■which expreffe not the fimilitudes they receive neere hand,

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but caft them in the ayre a farre off, where they are more clerely reprefented.

Commence, commence, I admonifh thee : thy merits are ripe for it, and there have been doctors of thy facultie, as doctor Dodipowle for example ; and here in London , yet extant viva voce to teftifie, doctor Nott and doctor Powle , none of which in notting and powling go beyond thee. To utter unto thee my fancie as touching thofe neoterick tongues thou profeffeft, in whofe pronunciation old Tooly and thou varie as much, as Stephen Gardineer and Sir John Cheeke about the pronunciation of the Greeke tongue : loe ! for a teftifying incouragement how much I wifh thy encreafe in thofe languages, I have here tooke the paines to nit and louze over the doctours booke, and though manie cholericke cookes about London in a mad rage have difmembred it, and thruft it piping hot into the oven under the bottomes of dowfets, and impioufly prickt the torne fheetes of it, for bafting paper, on the outfides of geefe and roafting beefe, to keepe them from burning ; yet have I naturally cherifht it and hugd it in my bofome, even as a carrier of Bofomes InnedooXh a cheefe under his arme, and the pureft Parmafen magget phrafes therein cull’d and pickt out to prefent thee with.

Read and perufe them over, as diligently as thou wouldft doo a charme againft the tooth-ache ; for this I can gofpelly avouch, no Height paynes hath the doctour tooke in collect- ing them, confulting a whole quarter of a yeare with Textors Epithites (which he borrowd of a frend of mine in Poules Churchyard) onely to pounfe them out more poetically.

Be not felf-wild, but infift in my precepts, and I will tutour thee fo Pythagoreanly how to husband them in al

A rag borrowd from his owne dunghil.

1 4 The Epistle Dedicator ie.

companies, that even Willington himfelfe, thy fellow barber in Cambridge , (who hath long borne the bell for finicall de- fcanting on the Crates ) fhalbe conftrained to worfhip and offer to thee.

Abruptly to breake into the bowels of this index of bald inkhornifme, what faift thou for all thou art reputed fuch an cenigmaticall linguift (under the doctors terme probatorie licenfe bee it fpoken, being a terme with him as frequent as ftanding upon termes among lawiers), canft thou enter into the true nature of villanie by connivence ? I hold a groate thou canft not confter it. A word it is, that the doctor lay a whole weeke and a day and a night, entranced on his bed, to bring forth, and on the Munday evening late caufd all the bels, in the parifh where he then fojourned, to be rong forth, for joy that he was delivered of it.

Repent, and be ashamed of thy rudeneffe ; O ! thou that haft made fo manie men winke whyles thou caft fuds in their eyes, and yet knoweft not what connivence meanes. Plod- ding, and dunftically like a clowne of Cherryhinton , bafely thou befeecheft them to winke, whiles thou mak’ft a tennis- court of their faces, by brick-walling thy clay-balls croffe up and downe their cheekes ; whereas, if thou wert right orthographizd in the doctors elocution, thou wouldft fay, in ftead of, I pray, Sir, winke I muft wafh you, Sir, by your favour I muft require your connivence.

Againe : it is thy cuftome, being fent for to fome tall old fmckauter, or ftigmaticall bearded mafter of arte, that hath been chin-bound ever fince Charles the Ninths maffacre in France , to rush in bluntly with thy washing bowle and thy nurfe-cloutes under thy cloake, and after a few fcraping ceremonies, to afke if his worship bee at leafure to be re- created ?

The Epistle Dedicatone.

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A malo in pejus! that is the meaneft falutation that ere I heard : utterly thou bewrayeft thy non-projiciencie in the doctors Paracelfian rope-rhetorique. What a peftilence a yong braine, and fo poore and penurious in Conges ? Rayfe thy conceipt on the trees, or, rather than faile, new corke it at the heeles, before it should thus walke bare-foote up and downe the ftreetes.

Hence take thy Harveticall exordium , if thou wouldft have thy conceit the worlds favourite at firft dash, Omnifci- ous and omnifufficient mafter Doctor , (for fo hee calls Corne- lius Agrippd) will it pleafe you to bee cofmologizd and fmirktf

Suppofe a bishop come to the univerfitie, as the Bishop of Lincolne fomtimes to vifit Kings Colledge} and the Bishop of Ely Saint Johnsy (whiles there was ever a bishop there,) a playne bishop (like Martin ) at everie word thou wilt terme him, whereas if thou wert but one hower entred com- mons in Harvey de Oratore , A great pontife or demy-god in omnifufficiencie thou wouldft enftall him.

But to appofe thee more dallyingly and familiarly. It is given out amongft fchollers, that thou haft a paffing fingular good wit ; now, to trie whither thou haft fo or no, let me heare what change of phrafes thou haft to defcribe a good wit in, or how, in pedagogue Tragotanto doctors English, thou canft florish upon it.

I feele thy pulfes beat flowly alreadie, although thou beeft fortie mile off from mee, and this impotent anfwere (with much adoe) droppes from thee, even as fweate from a leane man that drinkes facke ; namely, that thou thinkeft there cannot much extraordinarie defcant be made of it, except it be to fay, fuch a one hath an admirable capacitie, an in- comparable quick invention, and a furmounting rich fpirit

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The Epistle Dcdicatorie.

above all men. Hah ha ! a deftitute poore fellow art thou, and haft mift mee nine fcore : goe, goe, get thee a caudle and keepe thy felfe warme in thy bed, for, out of queftion, thy fpirit is in a confumption.

A rich fpirit quoth a ? nay then a fpirit in the way of honeftie too : loe ! this it is, to be read in nothing but in Barnabe Riches workes. Spend but a quarter fo much time in mumping uppon Gabrielifme, and lie be bound, bodie and goods, thou wilt not anie longer fneakingly come forth with a rich fpirit and an admirable capacitie, but an enthu- Jiafticall fpirit , and a nimble entelechy. In the courfe of my booke a whole catalogue thou fhalt finde of all thefe Guiny phrafes, to which, in zealous care of thy reformation, I re- ferre thee.

Dii boni , boni ! quid porto ? What a large dioceffe of epif- tling have I here progreft through ! The fummons to a generall councell, with all the reafons mooving thereunto, or Tindalls Prologue before the New Teftament, are but fhort graces before meate, in comparifon of this my immo- derate dedication. But the beft is, if it be too long, thou haft a combe and a paire of fciffers to curtail it ; or, if thou lift not ftand fo long about it, with a Trinitie Colledge rub- ber thou maift epitomize it extempore.

Marrie ! if thou long to heare the reafon why I have fo ftretcht it on the tenter -hookes, forfooth it is a garment for the woodcocke Gabriel Harvey , and fooles, ye know, alwaies for the moft part (efpeciallie if they bee naturall fooles) are futed in long coates ; whereupon I fet up my reft to fhape his garments of the Tame fize, that I might be fure to fit on his fkirts.

Dick, no more at this time, but N os-da diu catawhy ; and

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

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all the recompence I can make thee for being, like a chan- cery declaration, fo tiring troublefome unto thee, is this : if thou wilt have the dodlour for an anatomie, thou fhalt ; doo but fpeake the word, and I am the man will deliver him to thee to be fcotcht and carbonadoed, but in anie cafe fpeake quickly, for heere he lies at the laft gafpe of furren- dering all his credit and reputation.

Thy Frend Tho. Nashe, if thoit beeft foe , Dick, to all the generation of the Harveys.

d

To all Chriflian Readers , to whom thefe Presents /hall come.

ELL faid, my matters ! I perceyve there cannot a new

booke come forth but you will have a fling at it. Say, what are you reading? Najhe againft Harvey. Fo! that’s a ftale jeaft ; hee hath been this two or three yeare about it. O! good brother Timothie , rule your reafon ; the miller gryndes more mens corne than one, and thofe that refo- lutely goe through with anie quarrell, mutt fet all their worldly buflnes at a ftay, before they draw it to the poynt. I will not gainfay but I have cherifht a purpofe of perfe- cting this Liff-lander Bogarian fo long time as ye fpeak of ; and that like the long fnouted beaft (whofe backe is cattle proofe) carrying her yong in her wombe three yere ere fhe be delivered, I have been big with childe of a com- mon place of revenge, ever flnce the hanging of Lopns\ but to fay I plodded upon it continually, and ufed in all this fpace nothing but gall to make inke with, is a lye befitting a bafe fwabberly lowfie failer, who having been never but a month at fea in his life, and duckt at the maine yards arme twice or thrice for pilferie, when hee comes home fweares hee hath been feventeene yeares in the Turkes gallies.

Patientia vejira , there is not one pint of wine, more than the juft bill of cofts and charges in fetting forth, to be got by anie of thefe bitter-fauced invedtives. Some foolifh praife perhaps we may meete with, fuch as is affoorded to ordi- narie jefters that make fport, but otherwife we are like thofe fugitive priefts in Spaine and Portugall, whom the

To the Reader.

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Pope (verie liberally) prefers to Irifh Bishoprickes, but allowes them not a pennie of anie living to maintaine them with, fave onely certaine friers to beg for them.

High titles (as they of bishops and prelates, fo of poets and writers) we have in the world, when, in ftead of their begging friers, the fire of our wit is left as our onely laft refuge to warme us.

Harvey and I (a couple of beggers) take upon us to bandie factions, and contend like the Urjlni and Coloni in Roome , or as the Turkes and Perjians about Mahomet and Mortus Alii , which should bee the greateft ; and (with the Indians ) head our inventions arrowes with vipers teeth, and fteep them in the bloud of adders and ferpents, and fpend as much time in arguing pro and contra , as a man might have found out the quadrature of the circle in, when all the controverfie is no more but this : he began with mee, and cannot tell how to make an end ; and I would faine end or rid my hands of him, if he had not firft begun.

I proteft I doo not write againft him becaufe I hate him ; but that I would confirme and plainly shew, to a number of weake beleevers in my fufficiencie, that I am able to anfwere him : and his frends, and not his enemies, let him thanke for this heavie load of difgrace I lay upon him, fince theyr extreame difabling of mee in this kinde, and urging what a triumph he had over me, hath made me to ranfacke my ftandish more than I would.

This I will boldly fay : looke how long it is fince he writ againft me, fo long have I given him a leafe of his life, and he hath onely held it by my mercie.

His Booke, or Magna Charta , which againft M. Lilly and me he addreft, I having kept idle by me, in a by fettle out of fight ainongft old shooes and bootes, altnoft this two

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To the Reader.

yere, and in meere pitie of him would never looke upon it but in fome calme pleating humor, for feare leaft, in my melancholy, too cruelly I should have martyrd him.

And yet, though vengeance comes not Zephiris and hirnndine prima , in the firft fpringing prime of his fchifme and herefie, let him not looke for one of frier Tecelius par- dons, he that (as Sleidane reports) firft ftird up Luther , pronouncing from the Pope free falarie indulgence to anie man, though he had deflowred the Virgine Mary , and ab- folution as well for finnes paft as finnes to come ; for I meane to come upon him with a tempeft of thunder and lightning, worfe than the ftormes in the Weft Indies cald the Furicanoes , and compleate arme more words for his confufion, than Wezell in Germanie is able to arme men, that hath abfolute furniture for three hundred thoufand at all times.

Gentlemen, what think ye of this fober mortified ftile ? I dare fay a number of ye have drawn it to a verdit alredie ; and as an elephants forelegs are longer than his hinder, fo you imagine my former confutation wilbe better than my latter. Nay, then, A efopum non attriviftis ; you are as ignorant in the true movings of my mufe as the aftronomers are in the true movings of Mars , which to this day they could never attaine too. For how ever, in the firft fetting foorth, I martch faire and foftly, like a man that rides upon his owne horfe, and like the Caspian fea feeme neither to ebbe nor flow, but keep a fmooth plain forme in my elo- quence, as one of the Lacedemonian Ephori , or Baldwin in his Morrall Sentences (which now are all fnatcht up for painters pofies) yet you shall fee me, in two or three leaves hence, crie, Heigh for our towne greene ! and powre hot boyling inkeon this contemptible heggledepegs barraiti fcalp,

To the Reader.

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as men condemned for ftealing by Richard de corde Lions law, had hot boyling pitch povvrd on their heads, and feathers ftrewd uppon, that wherefoever they came they might be knowne.

T know I am too long in preparing an entrance into my text ,fed tandem denique to the matter and the purpofe.

The method I meane to ufe, in perfecuting this Peter Malvenda and Sinibaldo Crajko , is no more but this.

Memorandum , I frame my whole Booke in the nature of a dialogue, much like Bullen and his dodtor Tocrub , whereof the Interlocuters are thefe :

Inprimis , Senior Importunio , the Opponent.

The fecond, Grand Conjiliadore , chiefe Cenfor or Mo- derator.

The third, Domino Bentivole ; one that ftands, as it were, at the line in a tennis-court, and takes everie ball at the volly.

The fourth, Don Carneades de boone Compagniola , who like a bufie countrey juftice fits on the Bench, and preacheth to theeves out of their own confeffions : or rather, like a quarter- mafter or treafurer of Bride-well, whofe office is to give fo manie ftrokes with the hammer, as the publican unchaft offender is to have ftripes, and by the fame Tuballs mufique to warne the blue-coate corredlor when he fhould patience and furceafe : fo continually, when by Senior Importunio the dodlor is brought to the croffe, Don Carneades fets downe what proportion of juftice is to be executed upon him, and, when his backe hath bled fufficient, gives a fignall of re- trayt.

Neither would I have you imagine that all thefe perfon- ages are fained, like A mericke Vefputius , and the reft of the Antwerpe fpeakers in Sir Thomas Mores Utopia: for, as

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true as Bankes his horfe knowes a Spaniard from an Eng- lifhman, or there went up one and twentie maides to the top of Bofton Steeple, and there came but one downe againe, fo true it is that there are men which have dealt with me in the fame humour that heere I fhaddow. In fome nooke or blind angle of the Black-Friers you may fuppofe (if you will) this honeft conference to bee held, after the fame manner that one of of thefe Italionate conferences about a divcll is wont folemnly to be handled ; which is, when a man, being fpecially toucht in reputation, or chal- lenged to the field upon equal tearmes, calls all his frends together, and afkes them their advice how he fhould carrie felfe in the adtion.

Him that I tearme Senior Importunio is a gentleman of good qualitie, to whom I reft manie waies beholding, and one (as the philofophers fay of winde, that it is nothing but aire vehemently moov’d) fo hath hee never ceaft, with all the vehemence of winde or breath that he hath, to incite and moove me to win my fpurres in this journey.

Under Grand Confiliadore, I allude to a grave reverend Gimnofophift ( Amicorum amicifjimus , of all my frends the molt zealous) that as Aefculapius built an oracle of the funne at Athens , fo is his chamber an oracle or convocation chappell of found counfaile, for all the better fort of the fonnes of underftanding about London , and (as it were; an ufuall market of good fellowfhip and conference.

Hee alfo (as well as Senior Importunio ) hath dealt with me verie importunately, to employ all my forces in this expedition, and as Hippocrates preferved the Citie of Coos from a great plague or mortalitie (generally difperfed throughout Greece ) by perfwading them to kindle fires in publique places, whereby the aire might be purified ; fo

To the Reader .

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hath hee (in moft fervent devotion to my well dooing) un- ceffantly perfwaded me to preferve my credit from jadifh dying of the /cratches, by powerfull through enkindling this P inego Riminos everlafting fire of damnation.

For Domino Bentivole and Don Carneades de bonne com- pagniola , they be men that have as full fhares in my love and affedtion as the former.

The antecedent of the two, befides true refolution and valure (wherewith he hath ennobled his name extraordi- narie) and a ripe pleafant wit in converting, hath in him a perfect unchangeable true habit of honeftie, imitating the arte of mufique, which the profeffours thereof affirme to be infinite and without end.

And for the fubfequent or hindermoft of the paire, who likewife is none of the unworthieft retainers to Madame Bellona , hee is another Florentine Poggius for mirthfull fportive conceit and quick invention, ignem faciens ex lapide nigvo , (which Munfter in his Cofmography alledgeth for the greateft wonder of England ) that is, wrefting delight out of aniething. And this over and above I will give in evidence for his praife, that though all the ancient records and pre- fidents of ingenuous apothegs and emblemes were burnt, (as Polidore Virgill in King Harry the Eights time burnt all the ancient records of the true beginning of this our He, after hee had finifhed his chronicle) yet out of his affluent capacitie they were to be renewed and re-edified farre better.

Thefe foure with myfelfe, whom I perfonate as the re- fpondent in the last place, fhall (according as God wil give them grace) clap up a Colloquium amongft them, and fo fchoole my gentle comrade , or neighbor, Quiquijfe in fome few fhort principles of my learning and induftrie, that

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To the Reader.

(I doubt not) by that time they have concluded and dif- patcht, with him, my Gorboduck H2iddle-duddle will gladly (on his knees) refigne to mee his dodtourfhip ; and as Anti - sthenes could not beate Diogenes away from him, but he would needes be his fcholler whether he would or no, fo fhall I have him haunt me up and downe to be my pren- tife to learne to endite, and, doo what I can, I fhall not be fhut of him.

This is once ; I both can and wilbe fhut prefently of this tedious chapter of contents, leaft, whereas I prepared it as an antipaft to whet your ftomaks, it cleane take away your ftomackes, and you furfet of it before meate come : where- fore, onely giving you this one caveat to obferve in reading my booke, which A riftotle prefcribes to them that read hif- tories, namely, that they bee not nimis credulos aut incre- dulos , too rafh or too flow of beleefe; and earneftly com- mending me to Qui cytharum nervis , et nervis temperat arcum, the melodious God of Gam ut are , that is life and finnewes in everie thing ; as alfo to Jones ancient truftie Roger , frifking come aloft fprightly Mercury , that hath wings for his mouftachies, wings for his ey-browes/ wings growing out of his chinne like a thorough haire, wings at his armes, like a fooles coate with foure elbowes, wings for his riding bafes, wings at his heeles in ftead of fpurres, and is true Prince of Wingan-decoy in everie thing, and defiring him to infpire my pen with fome of his nimbleft Pomados and Sommerfets, and be ftill clofe at my elbow, fince now I have more ufe of him than Alchumifts, in love and cha- ritie I take my leave of you all, at leaft of all fuch as heere meane to leave and read no further, and haft to the launch- ing forth of my Dialogue.

HAVE WITH YOU TO SAFFRON- WALDEN.

DIALOGUS.

Interlocutores , Senior Importuno , Grand Conjiliadore , Do- mino Bentivohy Don Carneades de bonne compagniolay Piers Pennileffe Refpondent.

Importuno.

HAT, Tom! thou art very welcome. Where haft thou

bin this long time ; walking in Saint Faiths church under ground, that wee never could fee thee ? Or haft thou tooke thee a chamber in Cole-harbour , where they live in a continuall myft betwixt two brew-houfes ?

Conjili. Indeed, we have mift you a great while, as well fpiritually as corporally ; that is, no leffe in the abfence of your workes, than the want of your companie : but now, I hope, by your prefence you will fully fatisfie us in either.

Bentivole. Nay, I would he would but fully fatisfie and paye one, which is the dodlor ; for this I can affure him, he is run farre in arrearages with expedlation, and to recover himfelfe it wilbe verie hard, except hee put twice dubble as much aqua fortis in his inke as he did before.

Carnead. No aqua fortis , if you love me, for it almoft poyfoned and fpoyled the fafhion of Stones the fooles nofe ; and would you have it be the deftrudlion and defolation of

E

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a do6tor foole now ? What ! content your felfe : a meffe of Tewksbury muftard, or a dramme and a halfe of Tower-hill vineger, will feeme a high feftivall banquet, and make a famous coronation fhew on this forlorne civilians hungry table.

Impor. Tufh, tufh ! you are all for jeft, and make him be more careles of his credit than he would be, by thus con- temning and debafing his adverfarie. Will you heare what is the united voyce and opinion abroad ? Confidently they fay, he is not able to anfwere him, he hath deferd it fo long ; and if he doo anfwere him, howfoever it be, it is nothing fince hee hath been a whole age about it, though I, for mine owne part, know the contrarie, and will engage my oath for him (if need be) that the moft of this time they thinke him hovering over the neaft, he hath fat hatching of nothing but toies for private gentlemen, and negle6ted the peculiar bufines of his reputation, that fo deeply concerne him, to follow vaine hopes and had I wift humours about Court, that make him goe in a thred-bare cloake, and fcarce pay for boat hire. Often enough I told him of this, if he would have beleevd me; but at length I am fure he Andes it, and repents it all too late. In no companie I can come, but everie minute of an howre (becaufe they have taken fpeciall notice of my love towards him) they ftill will be tormenting me with one queftion or another, of what he is about, what meanes he to be thus retchles of his fame ? or whether I am fure thofe things which are paft under his name heretofore were of his owne dooing ? or to get an opinion of wit hee ufed fome other mans helpe under hande, that now hath utterly given him over and forfaken him ? whether he be dead or no, or for- bidden to write ? or in regard he hath publifht a treatife in

to Saffron- Walden.

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divinitie makes a confcience to meddle any more in thefe controverfies ? with a thoufand other like idle interroga- tories : whereto I anfwere nothing elfe, but that he is idle and new fangled, beginning many things but foone wearie of them ere hee be halfe entred ; and that hee hath too much acquaintance in London ever to doo any good, being like a curtezan that can deny no man, or a grave common- wealths fenatour that thinkes he is not borne for himfelfe alone ; but as old Laertes in Homers Odiffcea , Dnm reliqua omnia curabat , feipfnm negligebat , caring for all other things elfe, fets his owne eftate at fixe and feaven. Judge you, whom he takes for his belt friends, what the end of this will be. A difgraced and condemned man he lives whiles Harvey thus lives unanfwered, worfe than he that hath peaceably and quietly put up an hundred baftinadoes, or fuffred his face to be made a continual common wall for men to fpit on. Spittle may be wip’t off, and the print of a broken pate, or brufe with a cudgell quickly made whole and worne out of mens memories ; but to be a villaine in print, or to be imprinted at London the reprobated; villaine that ever went on two legs, for fuch is Gabrieli Scurveies (as in thy other booke thou termft him) his witles malicious teftimony of thee, with other more rafcally hedge rak’t up termes, familiar to none but roguifh morts and doxes, is an attainder that will fticke by thee for ever. A blot of ignominie it is, which though this age or, at the utmoft, fuch in this age as have converft or are acquainted with thee, hold light and ridicu- lous, and no more but as a bulls roaring and bellowing, and running home mad at every one in his way, when he is wounded by the dogges, and almoft bayted to death ; yet there is an age to come, which, knowing neither thee nor

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him, but by your feverall workes judging of either, will authorife all hee hath belched forth in thy reproach for found Gofpell ; fince as the proverbe is, qui tacet confentire videtur , thou holding thy peace, and not confuting him, feemes to confeffe and confirme all whereof hee hath accufed thee, and the innocent, unheard, doo perifh as guilty. De- ceive not thy felfe with the bad fale of his bookes; for though in no other mans handes, yet in his owne defke they may bee founde after his death, whereby, while printing lafts, thy difgrace may laft, and the printer (whofe copie it is) may leave thy infamie in legacie to his heyres, and his heyres to their next heyres, fucceffively to the thirteenth and four- teenth generation, cum privilegio , forbidding all other to print thofe lewd lying recordes of thy fcandall and con- tumely, but the lineall offspring of their race in fempiternum. Haft thou not heard howe Orpheus wrote in the 2700 age of the world, whereas it is now 5596, and yet his memorie is frefh, his verfes are extant, whereas all the kings, that raignd and furvivde at that time, have not fo much as the firft letter of their names to pofterity commended : the very fame is thy cafe with thofe in Germanie , which being ex- ecuted are never buried. Confider and deliberate well of it, and if it worke not effectually with thee I know not what will. Neither, if thou beeft fo fenceleffe that thou wilt not let it finke into thee, doo I hold thee worthy to be any thing but the finke of contempt, to be excluded out of all men of worths companies, and counted the abjeCt fcumme of all poets and ballet-makers.

Refpond. So, you have faid, fir. Now, let mee have my turne another-while, to counterbuffe and beate backe all thofe overthwart blowes wherewith you have charged me.

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Benti. No reafon to the contrarie ; but in any cafe be not chollerick, fince the moft of thofe fpeeches he hath uttred my owne eares can witneffe to bee true, when as at divers great meetings, and chiefe ordinaries, I have, champion-like, tooke thy part, and every one obje6ted and articled againft thee, much after the fame forme he hath expreffed.

Refpond. Will you have patience, and you fhall heare me expreffely and roundly give him his quietus ejl? To the firft, wherein he concludes I am not able to anfwere him becaufe I have deferd it fo long, I anfwere that it followes not, in fo much as many men, that are able to pay their debts, doo not alwaies difcharge and pay them prefently at one pufh ; and fecondly, or to the fecond lye, where he fayth, and I doo anfwere him it is nothing, fince I have beene a whole age about it, if I lift, I could prove his affertion to bee under age : but that’s all one ; I am content my witte fhould take uppon it antiquitie this once ,* and nothing elfe in my defence I will alledge, but veritas temporis filia, it is onely time that revealeth all things : wherefore, though in as fhort time as a man may learne to run at tilt, I could have gone thorough with invention inough to have run him thorough and confounded him, yet I muft have fome further time to get perfe<5l intelligence of his life and converfation, one true point whereof, well fet downe, wil more excruciate and commacerate him, than knocking him about the eares with his owne ftile in a hundred fheetes of paper. And this let me informe the jury over and above, that age is no argument to make anie thing ill ; and though graybeard drumbling over a difcourfe be no crime I am fubje6t too, yet in the behalfe of the crazed wits of that ftamp, I will uphold that it is no upright conclufion to fay whatfoever is

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long laboured is lowfie and not worth a ftraw ; fince by that reafon you might conclude Dianas temple at Ephefus to have been a ftinking dove-cote or a hog-fty, becaufe it was 220 yere in building by the Amazons. Anie time this 17 yere my adverfary, Frigius Pedagogus , hath laid wafte paper in pickle, and publifht fome rags of treatifes againft Mafter Lilly and mee, which I will juftifie have lyne by him ever fince the great matches of bowling and fhooting on the Thames upon the yce. But, for my part, trie mee who will, and let anie man but finde mee meate and drinke, with the appurtenances, while I am playing the paper ftainer, and fifhing for pearle in the bottome of my tar-boxe, and but free me from thofe outward encumbrances of cares that over-whelme mee, and let this paraliticke quackfalver fill ten thoufand tunnes with fcelerata Jinapis , fhrewifh fnappifh muftard, as Platitus calls it, or botch and cobble up as manie volumes as he can betwixt this and domefday, and he fhall fee I will have everie one of them in the nofe ftraight, and give as fuddaine extemporall anfweres, as Pope Sil- vefters or Frier Bacons brazen head, which he would have fet up on the Plain of Salsbury. As touching the vain hopes, and had I wift court humours, which you fay I follow, there is no husbandman but tills and fowes in hope of a good crop, though manie times hee is deluded with a bad harveft Court humours, like cutting of haire, muft either bee obferved when the moone is new or in the full, or elfe no man will have his hands full that gleanes after them. Not unlikely it is they fo queftion you about the caufe of my long ftay, and their wits being dull, frozen, and halfe dead for want of matter of delight, (whereof Poides Church- yard was never worfe fuelled) like thofe in Florida or divers

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countreyes of the negroes, that kindle fire by rubbing two fticks one againft another, fo, to recreate and enkindle their decayed fpirits, they care not how they fet Harvey and mee on fire one againft another, or whet us on to confume our felves. But this cock fight once paft, I vow to turne a new leafe, and take another order with them, refolving to take up for the word, or motto , of my patience, Perdere poffe fat eft , it is enough that it is in my power to call a feffions and truffe him up when I lift ; concluding with the Poet, Dum defint hoftes , deft quoque caufa triumphi , as long as we have no enemies to trouble us, it is no matter for anie triumphs or bonfires : and as it was faide of the Blacke Princes foul- diers, that they car’d for no fpoyle but gold and filver, or feathers, fo ever after I will care for no conqueft or vi6torie, which carries not with it a prefent rich poffibilitie of rayfing my decayed fortunes, and cavalier flourifhing with a feather in my cappe (hey gallanta!) in the face of envie and generall worlds opinion. As newfangled and idle, and proftituting my pen like a curtizan, is the next item that you taxe me with ; well, it may and it may not bee fo, for neither will I deny it nor will I grant it : onely thus farre He goe with you, that twice or thrife in a month, when res eft angufta domi, the bottome of my purfe is turnd downeward, and my conduit of incke will no longer flowe for want of repa- rations, I am faine to let my plow ftand ftill in the midft of a furrow, and follow fome of thefe newfangled Gallardos, and Senior Fantafticos , to whofe amorous Villanellas and Quipaffas , I proftitute my pen in hope of gaine : but other- wife there is no newfanglenes in mee but povertie, which alone maketh mee fo unconftant to my determined ftudies ; nor idleneffe, more then difcontented idle trudging from place

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to place, too and fro, and profecuting the meanes to keep mee from idleneffe. My Do6tor Vanderhulk, peradventure, out of this my indigent confeffion may take occafion to work piteoufly : it is no matter, I care not, for many a faire day agoe have I proclaimed my felfe to the worlde Piers Penni- leffe , and fufficient petigrees can I fhewe to proove him my elder brother. What more remaineth behinde of the con- demned eftate I ftand in, till this Domine Dewf e-ace be con- fwapped, and fent with a paire of new fhooes on his feete, and a fcrowle in his hand to Saint Peter , like a Ruffian when he is buried; as alfo of the immortality of the print, and how, though not this age, yet another age three yeares after the building up the top of Powles fteeple, may baffull and in- famize my name when I am in heaven, and fhall never feele it, in foure words I will defeate and lay defolate. For- footh (bee it knowne unto you) I have provided harping yrons to catch this great whale ; and this Gobin a grace ap Hannikin , by Gods grace, fhall be met and combatted. Yet this I muft tell you, Sir, in the way of friendfhip twixt you and mee, your grave fatherly forecafting foreafmuches , and urging of pofteritie, and after ages whofe cradle-makers are not yet begot, that they may doo this, and they may do that, is a ftale imitation of this heathen Gregorie Huldricke , my antigonift. And thus, I truft, all reckonings are even twixt you and mee.

Impor. Nay, I promife thee, thou haft given me my paf- port ; and I know not what to fay now thou fayft he fhall be anfwerd.

Benti. I am very glad, for thy credits fake, that thou perfeverft in that purpofe, but more glad would I bee to fee it abroad and publifht.

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Refp. Content your felfe, fo you fhall ; although it hath gone abroad with his keeper any time this quarter of this yeare ; but as profounde a reafon as any I have alleag’d yet, of the long ftay and keeping it backe, was, that 1 might fulfill that olde, olde verfe in Ovid , Ad met am proper ate Jininl time plena volnptas ; as much to fay as march together merrily, and then there will be lufty dooings and found fport : fo did I ftay for fome company to march with mee, that wee might have made round worke, and gone thorough ftitch; but fmee all this while they come not forwarde ac- cording to promife, but breake their daye, as the king of Spaine did with Sebastian king of Portugall about his meeting him at Guandulopeia , when they fhould have gone together to the battaile of Alcazar , verah diabolo Saint George ! and a tickling pipe of tobacco , and then pell mell, all alone have amongft them, if there were ten thoufand of them.

Cam. Faith, well faid ! I perceive thou fearft no colours.

Refp. Whatfoever I feare, He force Jenkin Hcyderry derry both to feare and beare my colours, and fuite his cheekes (if there be one pimple of fhame in them) in a per- fecter red than anie Venice dye.

Consil. Vengeance on that unluckie dye! may hee crie, like a fwearing fhredded gamefter, that loofeth at one fet all that ever he is worth. But I prythee (in honeftie) if thou haft anie of the papers of thy booke about thee, fhew us fome of them that, like a great inqueft, we may deliver our verdit before it come to the Omnigatherum of towne and countrey.

Respon. Then gather your felves together in a ring ; and, Grand Consiliadore , be you the grand commander of filence

F

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(which is a chiefe office in the emperour of Ruffiaes court), for heere it is in my fleeve that will beflive him : yet, if I be not deceived, fome part of the Epiftle I have read to you heretofore.

Import. I, to the barber : fuch a thing I well remember ; but what barber it was, or where he dwelt, diredlly thou never toldft us.

Refpon. Yes ; that I have both towld and bookt him to : nevertheles (for your better underftanding) know it is one Dick Litchfield, the Barber of Trinity Colledge , a rare inge- nuous odde merry Greeke, who (as I have heard) hath tranflated my Piers Pennileffe into the Macaronicall tongue ; wherein I wifh hee had been more tongue-tide, fince, in fome mens incenfed judgements, it hath too much tongue alreadie, being above 2 yeres fince maimedly tranflated into the French tongue ; and in the Englifh tongue fo raf- cally printed and ill interpreted, as heart can thinke, or tongue can tell. But I cannot tell how it is growen to a common fafhion amongft a number of our common ill livers, that whatfoever tongue (like a fpaniels tongue) doth not licke their aged foares and fawne on them, they con- clude it to be an adders tongue to fting them : and wheras wittie Aefope did buy up all the tongues in the market hee could fpie, as the belt meate hee efteemed of, they (by all meanes poffible), even out of the buckles of theyr girdles, labor to plucke forth the tongs, for feare they fhould plucke in their unfasiate greedie paunches too ftraight.

Cam. O peace, peace ! exercife thy writing tongue, and let us have no more of this plaine Englifh.

Refp. With a good will, agreed ; and, like Mahomets angels in the Alcheron , that are faid to have eares ftretch-

to Saffron- Walden. 35

in g from one end of heaven to the other, let your attention be indefinite and without end, for thus I begin.

Mafcula virorum, Saint Mildred and Saint Agapite! more letters yet from the dodtor ? nay then, we fhall be fure to have a whole Gravefend barge full of newes, and heare foundly of all matters on both eares. Out uppon it ! heere’s a packet of epiftling, as bigge as a packe of woollen cloth, or a ftack of falt-fifh. Carrier, didft thou bring it by wayne, or on horfe-backe ? By wayne, Sir ; and it hath crackt me three axeltrees, wherefore I hope you will confider me the more. Heavie newes, heavie newes ! take them againe, I will never open them. Ah ! quoth he (deepe fighing) to mee, I wot, they are the heavieft, whofe cart hath cryde creake under them fortie times everie furlong : wherefore, if you bee a good man, rather make mud walls with them, mend high wayes, or damme up quagmires with them, than thus they fhuld endammage mee to my eternall undooing. — I, hearing the fellow fo forlorne and out of comfort with his luggage, gave him his Charons Naulum , or ferry three half pence, and fo difmift him to go to the place from whence he came, and play at Lodmn. But when I came to unrip and unbumbaft this Gargantuan bag-pudding, and found nothing in it but dogs-tripes, fwines livers, oxe galls, and fheepes gutts, I was in a bitterer chafe than anie cooke at a long fermon when his meate burnes. Doo the philo- fophers (faid I to my felfe) hold that letters are no burden, and the lighteft and eafieft houshold ftufife a man can re- moove ? lie be fworne upon Anthonie Guevaras golden epiftles, if they will, there’s not fo much toyle in remooving the hedge from a towne, as in taking an inventorie furvay of anie one of them. Letters doo you terme them ? they may

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be letters patents well enough for their tedioufnes, for no ledture at Surgeons Hall uppon an anatomie may compare with them in longitude. Why, they are longer than the Statutes of Clothing, or the Charter of London. Will ye have the fimple truth, without anie devices or playing upon it ? Gabrieli Harvey , my ftale gull, and the onely pure Orator in fenfeles riddles, or Packjlomfme , that ever this our litle hired or feparate angle of the world fuckled up, not content to have the naked fcalp of his credit new covered with a falfe periwig of commendations, and fo returne to his fathers houfe in peace, and there fuftaine his hungry bodie with wythred fcallions and greene cheefe, hath fince that time deepely forfworne himfelf in an arbitrement of peace ; and, after the ancient cuftome of Scottifh amitie, unawares pro- claimed open warres a frefh in a whole Alexandrian librarie of wafte paper. Piers his Supererogation , or Najhes Saint Fame , pretely and quirkingly he chriftens it; and yet not fo much to quirke or croffe me thereby, as to bleffe himfelfe and make his booke fell, did hee give it that title ; for having found, by much fhipwrackt experience, that no worke of his, abfolute under hys owne name, would paffe, he ufed heretofore to drawe Sir Philip Sydney, Majler Spencer, and other men of higheft credit, into everie pild pamphlet he fet foorth ; and now that he can no longer march under their enfignes, (from which I have utterly chac’d him in my Foure Letters intercepted) he takes a new leffon out of Plutarch, in making benefit of his enemie, and borrows my name, and the name of Piers Pennileffe (one of my bookes), which he knew to be moft faleable, (paffing at the leaft through the pikes of fixe impreffions) to helpe his bedred ftufife to limpe out of Powles Churchyard, that elfe would have laine un- reprivably fpittled at the chandlers. Such a huge drifat of

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duncerie it is he hath dungd up againft me, as was never feene fince the raigne of Averrois. 0 ! tis an unconfcionable vaft gorbellied volume, bigger bulkt than a Dutch hoy, and farre more boyftrous and cumberfome than a payre of Swifsers omnipotent galeaze breeches. But, it fhuld feeme, he is afham’d of the incomprehenfible corpulencie thereof himfelfe ; for at the ende of the 199 page, hee beginnes with one 100 againe, to make it feeme little (if I lye you may look and convince mee), and in halfe a quire of paper befides hath left the pages unfigured. I have read that the giant Antceus fhield afkt a whole elephants hyde to cover it : bona fide I utter it, fcarce a whole elephants hyde and a half would ferve for a cover to this Gogmagog \ Jewifh TJialmud of abfurdities. Nay, give the divell his due, and there an ende : the giant that Magellan found at Caput Sanrice Crucis, or Saint Chriftophers pidlure at Antwerpe, or the monftrous images of Sefoftres , or the Aegiptian Raffi- nates , are but dwarffes in comparifon of it. But one epiftle thereof, to John Wolfe the printer, I tooke and weighed in an ironmongers fcales, and it counterpoyfeth a cade of herring, and three Holland cheefes ! You may beleeve me if you will, I was faine to lift my chamber doore off the hindges, onely to let it in, it was fo fulfome a fat Bonarobe and terrible Rouncevall. Once I thought to have cald in a cooper, that went by and cald for worke, and bid him hoope it about like the tree at Grays-Inne gate, for feare it fhould burft, it was fo beaffly ; but then I remembred mee, the boyes had whoopt it fufficiently about the ftreetes, and fo I let it alone for that inftant. Credibly it was once rumord about the Court, that the guard meant to trie mafteries with it before the Queene, and in ftead of throwing the fledge or the hammer, to hurle it foorth at the armes ende

3«

Have with you

for a wager. I, I, everie one maye hammer upon it as they pleafe, but if they will hit the nayle on the head pat, as they fhould, to nothing fo aptly can they compare it as Africke , which being an unbounded ftretcht out continent, equivalent in greatnes with moft quarters of the earth, yet nevertheles is '(for the moft part) over-fpred with barraine fands : fo this his Babilonian towre, or tome of confutation, fwelling in dimenfion and magnitude, above all the prodigious com- mentaries and familiar epiftles that ever he wrote, is, not- withftanding, more drie, barraine, and fandie in fubftance than them all. Perufe but the ballet, In Sandon foyle as late befell , and you will be more foundly edified by fixe parts : fixe and thirtie fheetes it comprehendeth, which with him is but fixe and thirtie full points ; for he makes no more difference twixt a fheete of paper and a full point, than there is twixt two blacke puddings for a pennie, and a pennie for a paire of blacke puddings. Foule evill goe with it ! I wonder you will prate and tattle of fixe and thirtie full points, fo compendioufiy truft up (as may bee) in fixe and thirtie fheetes of paper, when as thofe are but the fhorteft proverbs of his wit ; for he never bids a man good morrow, but he makes a fpeach as long as a proclamation ; nor drinkes to anie, but he reads a lecture of three howers long De Arte bibendi. O ! tis a precious apothegmaticall pedant, who will finde matter inough to dilate a whole daye of the firft invention of Fy} fo , fum> I fmell the bloud of an Englifh-man ; and if hee had a thoufand pound, hee hath vowd to confume it everie doyt, to difcover and fearch foorth certaine rare mathematicall experimentes ; as for example, that of tying a flea in a chaine, (put in the laft edition of the great Chronicle) which if by anie induftrie hee could atchieve, his owne name beeing fo generally odious through-

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out Kent and Chriitendome, hee would prefently transforme and metamorphize it from dodlour Harvey to dodlour Ty , (of which ftile there was a famous mufition fome few yeres fince) refolving, as the laft caft of his maintenaunce, alto- gether to live by carrying that flea, like a monfter, up and downe the countrey ; teaching it to doo trickes, Hey come aloft, Jack ! like an ape over the chaine. If you would have a flea for the nonce, that you might keepe for a breeder, why this were a ftately flea indeede to get a brave race of fleas on : your fly in a boxe is but a drumble-bee in com- parifon of it : with no expence at all (on your chin like a witches familiar) you might feed it, and let the chaine hang downe on your breaft, like a ftale, greafle courtiers chaine, with one ftrop. Alacke and weladay ! too, too inconfider- ately advifed was this our poeticall Gabrieli , when, hexame- terly entranced, he cride out,

O bleffed health , blefsed wealthy and blefsed abundance !

O that I had thefc three for the lofse of 30 Commenfments !

When he fhould have exclaimd,

O that I had this flea for the lofse of 30 Commenfments !

Peradventure, he thinkes thus llightly to fteale away with a flea in his eare, but I muft flea his affes fkin over his eares a little handfomer, ere wee part. Thofe that bee fo difpofed to take a view of him, ere hee bee come to the full Mid- fommer Moone, and raging calentura of his wretchednes, here let them behold his lively counterfet and portraiture ; not in the pantofles of his profperitie, as he was when he libeld againft my Lord of Oxfordy but in the fingle-foald pumpes of his adverfltie, with his gowne caft off, untruffmg,

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Painters sharp hand- ling.

and readie to beray himfelfe upon the newes of the going in hand of my booke.

If you afke why I have

The picture of Gabrieli Ilarvey as he pUt; jn round hofe, that

is readie to let fly upon Ajax.

ufually weares Venetians ? it is becaufe I would make him looke more dapper and plump and round upon it, wheras otherwife he looks like a cafe of tooth-pikes, or a lute pin put in a fute of apparell. Gaze uppon him who lift, for, I tell you, I am nor a little proud of my workmanfhip, and, though I fay it, I have handled it fo neatly, and fo fprightly, and withall ouzled, gidumbled, muddled, and drizled it fo finely, that I forbid ever a Hanns Boll , Hanns Holbine , or Hanns Mullier of them all (let them but play true with the face) to amend it, or come within fortie foote of it. Away, away ! Blockland , Truffer , Francis de Murre , and the whole generation of them will fooner catch the murre and the pofe tenfcore times, ere they doo a thing one quarter fo mafterly. Yea, (without Kerry merry buffe be it fpoken) put a whole million of Johannes Mabusiufses of them together, and they fhall not handle their matters at sharpe fo handfomly as I.

Benti. From fharpe to come to the poynt : as farre as I

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can learne, thou haft all the advantage of the quarell, fince both the firft and laft fire-brand of diffention betwixt you was toft by the Do6tour.

Ref pond. Toffing (by your favour) is proper to the fea ;• and fo (like the fea) doth hee toffe water, and not fire.

Benti. That is toft, or caft water on fire : if hee did fo, he is the wifer.

Refpon. On a fire of fea-cole, you meane, to make it burne brighter.

Benti. A fire that the fea will coole, or Harvey find water inough to quench, if you looke not too it the better.

Refpon. I warrant : take you no care ; He looke to his water well inough.

Imp. But me thought even now thou contemndft him, becaufe hee toft water and not fire ; whereas, in my judge- ment, there is not a hairs difference betwixt being burnd and being drownd, fince death is the beft of either, and the paine of dying is not more tedious of the one than of the other.

Refpon. O ! you muft not conclude fo defperate, for everie toffing billow brings not death in the mouth of it : befides, if the worft come to the worft, a good fwimmer may doo much, whereas fire rapit omnia fecum, fweepeth cleane where it feazeth.

Importun. I ; but have you not heard that broken peece of a vearfe, Currenti cede furori ; give place to fire of furie, and you fhall quickly fee it confume it felfe.

Refpon. A ftale puddings end ! by that reafon you may as well come upon mee with Tempus edax rerum , quid non confumitis anni ? As though there is anie thing fo eternall, and permanent, that confumes and dies not after all his

G

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fire of life is fpent. For mee, I know I fhall live, and not die, till I have digd the graves of all my enemies ; and that the fire of my wit will not bee fpent, till (as amongft the Samogetes and Chaldceans) I get it to be worfhipt as a god of thofe whom it moft confounds : and as divers of the Aethiopians curfe the funne when it rifeth, and worfhip it when it fetteth, fo, however they curfe and raile upon mee in the beginning, I will compell them to fall downe and worfhip mee ere I ceafe or make an end ; crying upon their knees Ponuloi nafhe , which is, in the Ruffian tongue, Have mercie upon us! But I will not have mercie or be pacifide, till I have left them fo miferable, that very horfes fhal hardly abftaine from weeping for them, as they did for the death of Ccefar ; and if they have but ever a dog that lov’d them, he fhall die for griefe, to view his mafters in that plight.

Consil. In anie cafe leave this big thunder of words, wherein thou vainly fpendft thy fpirits, before the pufh of the battaile ; and if thou haft anie fuch exhaled heat of re- venge in the upper region of thy braine, let it lighten and Hath prefently in thy adverfaries face, and not a farre off threaten thus idely.

Refpon. Threaten idely, faid you ? Nay fure, lie performe as much as hee that went about to make the dyving boate twixt Dover and Callis ; and as lightning and thunder never lightly goe afunder, fo in my ftile will I temper them both togither, mixing thunder with lightning, and lightning with thunder, that is, in dreadfull terror with ftripes, and found thrufts with loud threats. Tell mee, have you a minde to anie thing in the Dodtors Booke ? fpeake the word, and I will helpe you to it upon the naile ; whether it bee his words, his metaphors, his methode, his matter, his

to Saffron- Walden. 43

meeters. Make your choyce, for I meane to ufe you moft ftately.

Cam. Then, good gentle frend (if you will) let’s have halfe a dozen fpare-ribs of his rethorique, with tart fauce of taunts correfpondent, a mightie chyne of his magnificenteft elocution, and a whole furloyne of his fubftantialleft fen- tences and fimiles.

Refp. And fhall : I am for you ; lie ferve you of the belt you may affure your felfe : with a continuat tropologicall fpeach I will aftonifh you, all to bee-fpiced and dredged with fentences and allegories, not having a crum of any coft beftowed upon it more than the doftors owne cooquerie.

Import. Tropologicall ! O embotched and truculent ! No French gowtie leg, with a gamafh upon it, is fo gotchie and boyftrous.

Conji. It founds like the ten-fold ecchoing rebound of a dubble cannon in the aire ; and is able to fpoyle anie little mouth that offers to pronounce it.

Refp. Gentlemen, take God in your minde, and nere feare you this word tropologicall, for it is one of Dick Harveys fheepes trattells in his Lambe of God.

Imp. I, Dick Harveys , that may wel be ; for I never heard there was more in him, than would hard and fcant ferve him to make a collation ; but for the dodtor, trie it who will, his ftile is not eafie to be matcht, being commended by divers (of good judgement) for the beft that ere they read.

Refpond. Amongft the which number, is a red bearded thrid-bare cavalier, who (in my hearing) at an ordinarie, as he fat fumbling the dice after fupper, fell into thefe tearmes (no talke before leading him to it) : There is fuch a

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Booke of Harveys (meaning this his laft booke againft mee) as I am a fouldiour and a gentleman, I proteft I never met with the like contrived pile of pure Englifh. O ! it is divine and moft admirable, and fo farre beyond all that ever he publifhed heretofore, as day-light beyond candle-light, or tinfell or leafe-gold above arfedine; with a great many more exceffive praifes he beftowed upon it : which authen- tically I fhould have beleeved, if immediately upon the nicke of it, I had not feene him fhrug his fhoulders, and talk of going to the Bathe; and after, like a true Pandar (fo much the fitter to be one of Gabriels patrons), grew in com- mending, to yong gentlemen, two or three of the moft de- tefled loathfom whores about London , for peereles beauteous paragons, and the pleafingeft wenches in the world : wherby I gueft, his judgement might be infe6ted as wel as his body; and he that wold not flick fo to extoll fbale rotten lac’d mutton, will, like a true Millanoys , fucke figges out of an affes fundament, or doo anie thing. I more than halfe fuf- pe6t thofe whom you preferre for the beft judgements are of the fame ftampe ; or if they be not, I wil fet a new ftampe on their judgments, having (to let them fee their dotage and error, and what his ftile is they make fuch a miracle of) mufterd together, in one galimafrie or fhort oration, moft of the ridiculous fenfeles fentences, finicall, flaunting phrafes, and termagant inkhorne tearmes throughout his booke, and fram’d it in his owne praife and apologie, becaufe I would cut his cloake with the wooll, though Lilly and Najhe never fo cry Non placet thereat. Auditors ! awake your attention, and here expe6t the cleare repurified foule of truth, without the leaf! fhadow of fi£lion ; the unflattered picture of pe- dantifme, that hath no one fmile or crinkle more than it

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fhould, for I deeply avow, on my faith and falvation, if he were a dodtor of gold, here in his owne clothes he shal appeare to you, and not fo much as a knot to his winding sheete, or corner tip to the fmalleft felvage of his garments I will infert; only a needle and thred to truffe up his trinkets more roundly (uppon better advice) I am determined to lend him, in hope it may be his thred of life, and even by that fingle bountie dubble flitch him unto me to be my devoted beadsman till death ; but not a pinnes head or a moath’s pallet roome gets he of anie farther contribution. Hem ! cleare your throates, and fpit foundly ; for now the pageant begins, and the fluffe by whole cart-loads comes in.

An Oration, including most of the miscreated

WORDS AND SENTENCES IN THE DOCTORS BOOKE.

Renowmed and amicable Readers , from whom it is not concealed ’ that Silence is a Jlave in a chaine , and the Pen the hot /hot of the mufket.

Benti. Marke, marke ! a fentence, a fentence !

Orati.

That when the caitife planet raigneth , of Punical war ther is no endy and of the counter-tenor of an offended firen, no el a.

Came. Theres two : keepe tally.

Orati.

Tell mee (/ pray you ) was ever Pegafus a cow in a cage , Mercury a moufe in a cheefey Dexteritie a dog in a doublet , Ledger-demaine a Jlow-wormey Vivacitie a lazy bones , Ente- lechie a flug-plumy Humanitie a fpittle-many Rhetorique a dummerelly Poetrie a tumbler , Hiflorie a banqrouty Philofo- phie a broker ?

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Have with y oil

Consili. I marry, now it workes.

Respon. I bely him not a word ; juft as it is there, in his owne text it comes together.

Orati.

Why Jhould /, then , that have been an incorruptible Areo- page,

Benti. Stay ! that fame Areopage , hee is a forreyner newe come over : let us examine him if hee bee the Queenes friend or no, ere he paffe.

Orati.

withoiLt anie pregnant caufe , be thus prefligioujly bejiedged, and 7narked with an afterifke, by them that are fuperficdall in theory ?

Came. On my vertuous chaftitie, and in veritie, pregnant, preftigious, fuperficiall and prettie !

Orati.

In manie extraor dinar ie remarkeable energeticall lines , and perfunctorie pamphlets, both in ambidexteritie and omnidex- teritie, together with matters adiophorall, have I disbalafed my minde, and 7iot let Jlip theleajl occajionet of adva7itage, to acquaint the world with my preg7ia7tt propofitio7is , and refo- lute aphorif7nes.

Co7isili. That word “ aphorifmes” Gree7ies exequutors may claime from him ; for while hee liv’d, he had no goods nor chatties in commoner ufe than it.

hnport. Away, away ! I cannot be perfwaded hee wold ever come forth with anie one of thefe balductum baftardly termes.

Refp07i. You cannot? then cannot 1 be perfwaded that you cannot bee perfwaded ; fince I have as much reafon not to credit your bare affertion, where you fay you are per-

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fwaded it is not fo, as you to diftruft my deep vehement protections, wherin I wold perfwade you it is fo. But if none of thefe perfwafions or protections may prevaile with your incredulitie, bring me to the booke, if you pleafe (the Doctours Booke fubintelligitur) and that will foone refolve you.

Import. It shall not need ; I beleeve thee, fince thou Cndft in it fo ferioufly : yet I wonder thou fetft not downe, in figures in the margent, in what line, page, and folio, a man might find everie one of thefe fragments, which would have much fatisfied thy readers.

Refpon. What ! make an errata in the midft of my booke, and have my margent befcratcht (like a merchants booke) with thefe roguish arfemetrique gibbets or flesh-hookes, and cyphers, or round oos, lyke pifmeeres egges ? Content your felfe, I will never do it : or if I were ever minded to doo it, I could not, fince (as I told you fome few leaves before) in more than a quarter of that his tumbrell of con- futation he hath left the pages unfigured ; forefeeing by devination (belike) that I should come to disfigure them.

Conjil. I warrant thee I, thou haft figur’d him well enough as it is ; and if thou hadft tooken the paynes of quotations of figures, as he would have thee, I doubt whether there be anie would ever have beftowed fo much paines to conferre or examine them.

Carnead. On ! forward, good Piers Refpondent with yonr oration, for I am hungrie upon it ; and with this I have heard alreadie, my appetite is nothing ftancht, but rather whetted.

Refpond. Beare witnes, my m afters, if hee dye of a furfet, I cannot doo withall, it is his owne feeking, not mine : as

48 Have with you

long as I have it, I am no niggard of it : at all adventures I will fet it before him.

Oration.

Omitting (ficco pede) my encomiajiicall orations, and mer- curiall and martiall difcourfes of the terribilitie of war , in the aClive and chevalrous vaine every way comparable with the Cavalcads of Bellerophon, or Don Alphonfo d’ Avalos, my feraphicall vifions in Queene Poetrie, queint theorickes , melancholy projects, and pragmaticall difcourfes , whofe beau- defert , and rich ceconomie , the infpiredeft Heliconifls and arch- patrons of our new omnifcians, have not flickt to equipage with the ancient Quinquagenarians , Centurions , and Chili- arkes : n o twithflan d ing all which Idees of monftrous excel- lencie,fome fmirking fmgularifts , brag reformifts , and glick- ing remembrancers , ( not with the multiplying fpirite of the alchumift , but the villanift ) feeke to be mafons of infinite con- tradiction ; they (/ fay) with their f rumping contras, tickling interjections , together with their vehement incensives and allectives , as if they would be the onely A per fe a’s, or great A’s of puijfance , like Alexander, ( whom yet fome of oicr moderne worthies difdaine to have fceptred the eft Amen of valure) commenfe redoubtable monomachies againft mee, and the dead honnie-bee my brother.

Bentiv. A per fe , con per fe, tittle, eft, A men ! Doft thou not feele thy felfe fpoyld ? why, he comes uppon thee (man) with a whole horn-booke.

Import. What a fupernaturall Hibble de beane it is, to call his brother a dead honnie-bee !

Consil. I laughd at nothing fo much as that word arch- patrons. Goe thy wayes, thought 1 : thou art a civilian, and maift well fetch metaphors from the Arches ; but thou shalt never fish anie monie from thence whileft thou liv’^ .

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Cam. Troth, I would hee might for me (that’s all the harme I wish him), for then we neede never wish the Playes at Powles up againe ; but if we were wearie with walking, and loth to goe too farre to feeke fport, into the Arches we might ftep, and heare him plead, which would bee a merrier comedie than ever was old Mother Bomby. As for an inftance : fuppofe hee were to follicite fome caufe againft Martinifts, were it not a jeft as right fterling as might be, to fee him ftroke his beard thrice, and begin thus ? Grave H el icon if ts, feraph icall Omni/ clans, and the only Centurions , Quinquagenarians and Chiliarks of our time ! May it pleafe you to be advertifed, how that certaine fmirking Singidarifts , brag Ref ormifts, and glicking Remembrancers , not with the multiplying fpirit of the alchumift , but the villanift , have fought to be mafons of infinite contradiction , and with their melancholy projects , frumping contras, tickling interjections , and vehement incenfives and allectives , in all pragmaticall terribilitie commenfe redoubtable monomachies againft you , and the beau-defert and Idees of your encomia fticall Church government , and particular and peculiar ceconomies. One fhould have the prodlors and regifters as bufie with their table-books as might bee to gather phrafes, and all the boyes in the towne would be his clients to follow him. Marry ! it were neceffarie the Queenes Decypherer fhould bee one of the high Commiffioners ; for elfe other while he would blurt out fuch Brachmannicall fidd de-fubs , as no bodie fhould be able to underftand him.

Rejpon. You make too long glofes on the text : attend how it followes.

Oration.

But Mercury fublimcd is fome-zvay a coy and ftoid fellozv.

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Ben. Verie true; for it is a good medicine for the itch. Oration.

And fpite as clofe a fecretarie as a f cummer,

Carnead. Secretarie Spite and Secretarie Scummer, give me your hands : I befeech you, what noble-men about court doo you belong too ?

Oration.

Refolution a forward mate , and Valour a brave man ; Bentiv. O brave man ! will you buy a brave dog ? Oration.

Impudencie and S launder, two arrant vagabonds.

Carnead. I crie you mercie ; I alwaies tooke them for the two Brothers.

Oration.

The world never fuck a S cogin as now, and the divell never fuch a knave as now.

Bentiv. What a divell ayles he to rayle fo uppon a poore painfull divell, that dooes for him all he can ?

Refpond. Whift ! filence on everie hand ; for here is the very S'. Georges robes of rhetorique, a fpeach that I have tooke up by the lumpe, as it lies in his Booke.

Oration.

What's the falvation of David Gorge ? A Nidlitie. What the deification of H. N. ? A Nidlitie. What the glorification of Ket ? A Nullitie. What the fanctification of Browne? A Nullitie. What the communitie of Barrow ? A Nidlitie. What the plaufibilitie of Martin ? A Nullitie ; yea and a wofidl Nullitie , and a piteous Nullitie.

Carnead. What a piteous noyfe, like a fpirit in a wal, doth he here make with his nullities ? I fhould fure run out of my wits, if one fhould come to my chamber doore at mid-

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night, with nothing but fuch a difmall note of A Nullitie ! a Nullitie !

Oration.

Nay , be you load-f tones to exhale what I fay. Martin is a Guerra, Browne a browne-bill , and Barrow a wheel-barrow ; Ket a kight , H. N. an o. k. ; and to conclude , as the wheele was an ancient hieroglyphicke amongft the Aegyptians, fo fome tooles are falfe prophets.

Bentiv. That’s the caufe wee have fo manie bad work- men now a daies : put up a bill againft them next Par- liament.

Import. But if he had faid, manie men have fome tooles that are little for their profit, he had hit the mark fome- what nearer.

Oration.

Judas, the Gaulonite, in theraigne of Herod was a hot toafty Cam. It cannot choofe but he lov’d ale well, then. Oration.

and prefent examples we have , as hot as frefhy that he that hath time hath life.

Confol. In good time be it fpoken.

Import. A good admonition to mufitions to keepe time with their inftruments, if they be defirous to live long.

Oration.

Duke Allocer on his luftie cock-horfe is a hot familiar , Carnead. Let him but live in London halfe a yeare, and there be them that wil take him downe and coole him, were he twice as hot.

Oration.

and no fuch arte memorative as the crab -tree defke :

Confil. No! what fay you to a crab-tree cudgell ? if it

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were well husbanded about his fhoulders, I thinke it would make him remember it time enough.

Oration.

for , tmder correction of the arte notorie be it fpoken , envie is a foaking regijler , and mortall fewde the claw of an adamant.

Import. Hath adamant fuch fharpe clawes ? That makes it hold yron fo faft, when it hath it.

Refpon. Harke ! harke, how hee praifeth Sir Philip Sidney.

Oration.

Sweete Sir Philip Sidney, he was the gentleman of curtefiey and the verie ef quire of induftrie !

Carnea. The efquire of induftrie ? O fcabbed fcald fquire (Scythian Gabrieli ) as thou art, fo under-foot to commend the cleereft myrrour of true nobilitie !

Conjil. What a mifchiefe does he taking anie mans name in his ulcerous mouth ? that, being fo feftred and ranckled with barbarifme, is able to ruft and canker it, were it never fo refplendent.

Refp. In all his praifes he is the moft fore-fpoken and unfortunate under heaven ; and thofe whom he ferventeft ftrives to grace and honour, he moft difhonors and dif- graceth by fome uncircumcifed fluttifh epithite or other : and even to talke treafon he may be drawn unwares, and never have anie fuch intent, for want of difcretion how to manage his words.

Bent. It is a common fcoffe amongft us to call anie foolifh prodigall yong gallant the gentleman or floure of curtefie ; and (if it were wel fcand) I am of the opinion, with the fame purpofe hee did it to fcoffe and deride Sir Philip Sidney , in calling him the Gentleman of curtefie , and the verie ej quire oj ~ induftrie.

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Refpond. Poore tame-witted filly Quirko ! on my confid- ence I dare excufe him, hee had never anie fuch thought, but did it in as meere earned:, as ever in commendation of himfelfe and his brothers hee writ thefe two verfes ;

Singular are thefe three , John, Richard, Gabriel Harvy, For Logique , Philofophie , Rhetorique , Aftronomie.

As alfo, in like innocent innocent well meaning, added he this that enfues.

Oration.

His Enielechy was fine Greece , and the finefi Tufcanifme in graine. Although I could tickle him with a contrarie pre- fident, where he cafts Tufcanifme, as a horrible crime, in a noble-mans teeth.

Carnead. Bodie of mee ! this is worfe than all the reft : he fets foorth Sir Philip Sidney in the verie ftyle of a Diers Signe ; as if hee fhould have faid :

HEERE WITHIN THIS PLACE IS ONE THAT DIETH ALL KINDE OF ENTELECHY IN FINE GREECE, AND THE FINEST TOSCANISME IN GRAINE THAT MAY BEE, OR ANY COLOUR ELSE YE WOLD DESIRE. AND SO GOD SAVE THE QUEENE !

Bentiv. More copie, more copie ! we leefe a great deale of time for want of text.

Imp. Apace ! out with it ; and let us nere ftand paufing or looking about, fince we are thus far onward.

Oration.

But fome had rather be a pol-cat with a ftinking ftirre , than a mufke-cat with gracious favour.

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Bentiv. I fmell him, I fmell him. The wrongs that thou haft ofifred him are fo intolerable, as they would make a cat fpeake ; therefore looke to it, Nafhe , for with one pol- cat perfume or another hee will poyfon thee, if he be not able to anfwere thee.

Carnead. Pol-cat and mufke cat ! there wants but a cat a mountaine, and then there would be old fcratching.

Bentiv. I, but not onely no ordinarie cat, but a mufke- cat ; and not onely a mufke-cat, but a mujke-cat with gra- cious favour (which founds like a princes ftile Dei gratia). Not Tibault or Ifegrim , Prince of Cattes, were ever endowed with the like title.

Refpon. Since you can make fo much of a little, you fhall have more of it.

Oration.

To utter the entrayles of a fphericall heart in few fillables , mufke is a fweete curtezan, and fugar and honey daintie hipocrytes.

Bentiv. O fweeter and fweeter ! fome bodie lend me a hand-kercher, that I may carrie fome home in my pocket for my little god-fonne.

Carnead. Madame Mufke, if you be a curtezan (as the Dodtour informes us) fure you have dreft a number of my friends fweetly, have you not ? But you were never other- wife like ; for mans apparaile and womans apparaile, all was one to you. And fome myfterie there was in it, that they alwayes cride, Foh, what a ftinke is heere ! and ftopt their nofes when you came neere them. For your worfhips, Mafter Sugar and Mafter Honie, (be you likewife fuch daintie hipocrytes as he gives teftimonie) I doubt not but at one time or other we fhall tafte you.

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Refpond. Stay ! let me looke upon it : I, it is the fame, right Ifenborough good, or never truft mee. A fpeach or fudden exclamation, which, after hee had been in a deadly found for fixe or feaven houres (uppon what fear-procured ficknes I leave you to imagine) was the firft words uppon his reviving he uttered.

Oration.

O Humanitie my Lullius, and Divinitie my Paracelfus !

Conjil. As much to fay as, all the humanitie he hath is gathered out of Lullius, and all his divinitie, or religion, out of Paracelfus.

Carnead. Let him call uppon Kelly , who is better than them both ; and for the fpirites and foules of the ancient alchumifts, he hath them fo clofe emprifoned in the firie purgatorie of his fornace, that for the welth of the king of Spaines Indies , it is not poffible to releafe or get the third part of a nit of anie one of them, to helpe anie but himfelfe.

Import. Whether you call his fire Purgatorie or no, the fire of Alchumie hath wrought fucli a purgation, or purga- tory, in a great number of mens purfes in England ’ that it hath clean fir’d them out of al they have.

Refpond. Therefore, our Do6lor (verie well heere towards the latter end of his oration) comes in with a cooling card.

Oration.

Cordially I coidd wifh , that the pelting home of thefe fhirres ( according to the fceciall law) were rebated , zvherby our popu- lars might tafte of fome more plausible panegericall orations , fine theurgie, and profound effentiall god- full arguments.

Carnead. Soft ! Ere I goe anie further, I care not if I draw out my purfe, and change fome odde peeces of olde Englifli

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for new coyne : but it is no matter ; upon the retourne from Guiana the valuation of them may alter, and that which is currant now be then copper, Onely this word god-full goes with mee, if it be but to court a widdow in Chrift, or holy fifter of ours with, that weares Thy fpirit be with us for the pofie of her ring.

Oration.

But the arte of figges had ever a dappert wit, and a deft con- ceit : Saint Fame give him joy of his blacke cole, and his white chalke.

Confil. Saint Fame is one of the notorious nicke-names he gives thee, as alfo under the arte of figges (to cleave him from the crowne to the wafte with a quip) he fhadowes Mafter Lilly : but if betweene you you doo not fo chalke him up for a Crimme and Maniquenbecke, and draw him in cole more artificially than the face in cole that Michaell Angelo and Raphaell Urbin went to buffets about, I would you might be cole carriers, or pioners in a cole-pit, whiles colliers ride upon collimol cuts, or there be any reprifalls of purfes twixt this and Cole-brooke.

Refpond. Pacifie your confcience, and leave your impre- cations ; wee will beare no coales, never feare you. As for him whom (fo artleffe and againft the [h]aire of aniefimilitude or coherence) he calls the arte of figges, he fhall not need long to call for his figs, for hee will bee choakt foone inough with them ; they having lyne ripe by him readie gathered (wanting nothing but preffing) anie time this twelve month. For my owne proper perfon, if I doo not (in requitall of vS. Fame) enfaint and canonife him for the famoufeft paliard and Senior Penaquila , that hath breathed fince the raigne of vS. Tor, let all the droppings of my pen bee feazed upon

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by the queenes takers for tarre to dreffe fhips with. I tarry too trifling fuperfluoufly in the twittle cum-twattles of his text : take it, with a wennion, altogether, if you will have it.

Oration.

Embellijhtly I can refolve them , here they Jhall not meete with chalke for cheefe ; and though fome drinhe oyle of prickes for a reflorative , they Jhall have much adoo to void firrupe of rofes : for it is not everie mans blab that cafls a Jheepes eye out of a calves head ; and for ought I know , / fee no reafon why the wheel-wright may not be as honeft a man and pregnant mcechanician as the cutler , the cutler as the drawer , the drawer as the cutler , and the writer as the printer. And fo I recommend every one, and them all , to your curtesies. Your mindfull debter,

Gabriell Harvey.

\_Carnead.\ Thou haft oppreft us with an inundation of Bifcanifme ; and though we would faine have made him ftand in a white fheet for his baudie oyle of pricks (a common receipt for the greene flcknes) as alfo examind his firrupe of rofes, wherein Rofe Flowers is beft experimented, yet time and tide (that ftaies for no man) forbids us to tire any more on this carrion, being more than glutted with it alreadie.

Bentiv. But yet to give him this one comfort at the parting, it had not been amiffe, that whereas he ftands in fuch feare of cafting his fheeps eye out of his calves head, thou never meantft it, but if it were an oxes hee fhould ftill keepe it, and rather thou wouldft enlarge it than em- payre it.

Refpond. I, make it up a paire (I fweare) rather than he

I

Biscanism the most barbar- ous Spanish ; even as the Northren tung of the English.

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fhould bee unprovided. Refponde breviter , Senior Impor- tuno : have not I comprehended all the Dodlors workes bravely, like Homers Iliads in the compaffe of a nut-fhell ? Now where be our honorable cavaliers, that keepe fuch a prating and a gabrill about our Gabrieli and his admirable ftile, (nothing fo good as Littletons , with his John a Nokes and John a Stiles) let them look to it I wold advife them ; for the courfe they take in commending this courfe Him- penhempen Slampamp , this ftale Apple-fquire Cockledemoy , who, fome 18 yeares fince, when thefe Italionate carnation painted horfe tayles were in fafhion, in felfe fame fort was about (if his chamber fellow had not over-rulde him) to have fcutchaneled and painted his pickerdevant, to make it trave[lle]r-like antick : this jadifh courfe, this javels courfe, this drumbling courfe, this dry braind courfe, if you perfever and infift in, and on the toppe of affes bufkind eares thus labour to build trophees of theyr praife, canonizing everie Bel-Jhangles , the water-bearer, for a faint, and the contempti- bleft worlds difh-cloute for a relique ; infpiredly I prophe- cie, your endes will be ale and Shorditch , that all prefer- ment and good fpirits will abandon you : and more (to plague you for your apoftata conceipts) ballets fhalbee made of your bafe deaths, even as there was of Cutting Ball.

Consil. Ho, Ball, ho ! in the name of God, whether wilt thou ?

Ref pond. To Saffron- Walden as faft as I can, though I goe a little way about.

Import. Unfortunate Gabrieli ! Iam forry for him, for he hath been a man of good parts.

Refpond. Good parts ? He name you one of feaven times better parts than he, whom you and I, and every one heere, have knowen from our childhood.

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Import. Who is that ?

Respond. In fpeach , with his eight parts. But without further fpeach, that you may throghly be refolv’d what thofe good parts are, you enable the Do6lor for, here have 1 fet downe his whole life from his infancie to this prefent 9 6 ; even as they ufe in the beginning of a booke to fet downe the life of anie memorable ancient author. Difpenfe with it though it drink fome inck, or prodigally difpend manie pages that might have been better employd ; for if it yeeld you not fport for your money, at the fame price fhall you buye mee for your bond-flave, that my booke cofts you.

Carnead. On that condition, wee will make thee a leafe of our attention for three lives and a halfe, or a hundred lacking one.

THE LIFE AND GODLY EDUCATION FROM HIS CHILD- HOOD OF THAT THRICE FAMOUS CLARKE, AND WORTHIE ORATOR AND POET

Gabriell Harvey.

Gabrieli Harvey , of the age of fortie eight or upwards, ( Tnrpe fenex miles , tis time for fuch an olde foole to leave playing the fwafh-buckler) was borne at Saffron Walden , none of the obfcureft townes in Effex. For his parentage, I will fay, as Polidore Virgill faith of Cardinall Wolfey , Pa- rentem habuit virnm problem, at lanium , he had a reafonable honeft man to his father, but he was a butcher ; fo Gabrieli Harvey had one Good-man Harvey to his father, a true fubje6t, that paid fcot and lot, in the parifh where he dwelt, with the belt of them, but yet he was a rope-maker : Id qnod reminifci nolebat (as Polidore goes forward) ut rem

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utique perfona illius indignant , that which is death to Ga- brieli to remember, as a matter everie way derogatorie to his perfon, quare fecum totos dies cogitabat , qualis effet, non unde effet ; wherefore from time to time he doth nothing but turmoile his thoghts how to raife his eftate, and invent new peteg^rees, and what great noble-mans baftard hee was likely to bee, not whofe fonne he is reputed to be.

Confil. Give me leave before thou readfl any further. I woidd not wifh thee fo to upbraid him with his birth , which if he could remedie it were another matter ; but it is his for- tune and natures , and neither his fathers faidt nor his.

Ref pond. Neither as his fathers nor his fault doo I urge it, otherwife than it is his fault to beare himfelfe too arro- gantly above his birth, and to contemne and forget the houfe from whence he came ; which is the reafon that hath induced mee (aswell in this treatife as my former writings) to remember him of it, not as anie fuch hainous difcredit fimply of it felfe, if his horrible infulting pride were not :

Nam genus et proavos , et quce non fecimus ipfi ,

Vix ea noftra voco.

It is no true glorie of ours what our fore-fathers did, nor are we to anfwere for anie finnes of theirs. Demoflhenes was the fonne of a cutler, Socrates of a midwife ; which detra6led neyther from the ones eloquence, nor the others wifedome : (farre be it that eyther in eloquence or wifedome I fhould compare Gabrieli to either of them.) Marry, for Demof- thenes or Socrates to be afhamed or take it in high derifion (which they never did) the one to be faid to have a cutler to his father, or the other that hee had a mid-wife to his mother (as Harvey doth to have himfelfe or anie of his

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brothers called the formes of a rope-maker, which by his own private confeffion to fome of my friends, was the onely thing that moft fet him a fire againft me) I wil juftify it, might argue them or him more inferior and defpicable, than anye cutler, mid-wife, or rope-maker. Turne over his two bookes he hath publifhed againft me (whereon he hath clapt paper gods plentie, if that would preffe a man to death), and fee if in the waye of anfwer, or otherwife, he once mention the word rope-maker, or come within fortie foot of it ; except in one place of his firft booke, where hee nameth it not neither, but goes thus cleanly to worke, (as heretofore I have fet downe) though hee could finde no roome in the expence of 36 fheetes of paper to refute it : and may not a good fonne have a reprobate to his father f (a P eriphrasis of a rope-maker, which (if fhould fhryne my felfe; I never heard before). This is once : I have given him caufe enough I wot to have ftumbled at it, and take notice of it ; for where, in his firft booke, he cafts the begger in my difh at everie third fillable, and fo, like an emperour, triumphs over mee, as though he had the philofopher’s ftone to play at foot-bal with, and I were a poore alchumift new fet up, that had fcarce money to buy beechen coles for my fornace. In kind guerdon and requitall, I told him in Piers Pennilefse Apo- logie, That he need not be fo Inftie , if ( like the peacocke ) he lookt downe to the foide feete that upheld him , for he was but the fonne of a rope-maker ; and hee would not have a fhoo to put on his feete , if his father had not traffique with the hang- man. And in another place, when he brought the towne feale or next juftices hands (as it were) to witnes, that his father was an honeft man ; which no man denide or im- paired anie further than faying, He got his living backward,

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and that he had kept three fonnes at the Universitie a long time ; I joynd iffue with them and confirmed it, and added, Nay , which is more , three proud fonnes , that when they met the hang-man ( their fathers beft cufomer) woidd not put off their hatts to him , with other by-glances to the like effect, which he filently over-fkippeth, to withdraw men (lapwing- like) from his neaft, as much as might bee. Onely hee tells a foolifh twittle twattle boafting tale, (amidft his impudent brazen-fac’d defamation of Doctor Perne ) of the funerall of his kinfman, Sir Thomas Smith , (which word kinfman , I won derd, he caufd not to be fet in great capitall letters), and how in thofe obfequies he was a chiefe mourner. I wis his father was of a more humble fpirit ; who, in gratefull lieu and remembrance of the hempen myfterie that hee was be- holding too, and the patrons and places that were his trades chiefe maintainers and fupporters, provided that the firft letter each of his fonnes names began with fhould allude and correfpond with the chiefe marts of his traffick, and of his profeffion and occupation : as Gabrieli ’ his eldeft fonnes name, beginning with a G for gallowes, John with a J for jayle, Richard with an R for rope-maker ; as much to fay, as all his whole living depended on the jayle, the gallowes, and making of ropes. Another brother there is, whofe name I have forgot, though I am fure it jumpes with this alphabet. Jumpe or jarre they with me as they fee caufe, this counfaile (if the cafe were mine) I would give them, not to bee daunted or blanckt anie whit, had they ten hun- dred thoufand legions of hangum tuums or per collum pendere debes to their fathers, and any should twit them or gaule with it never fo : but as Agathocles comming from a durt- kneading potter to be a king, would (in memorie of that his1

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firft vocation) be ferved ever after, as well in earthen dishes as fumptuous royal plate ; fo, had they but one royall of plate or fixe pennie peece amongft them, they shuld plat (what ever their other cheere were) to have a fait eele, in refemblance of a ropes end, continuallye ferv’d in to their tables ; or if they were not able to be at fuch charges, let them caft but for a two-penny rope of onions everie day to be brought in, in ftead of frute, for a clofing up of their ftomackes. It cannot doo amiffe ; it will remember them they are mortal, and whence they came, and whether they are to goe. Were I a lord (I make the Lord God a vow) and were but the leaft a kin to this breath-ftrangling linage, I would weare a chaine of pearle brayded with a halter, to let the world fee I held it in no difgrace, but high glorie to bee difcended howfoever : and as amongft the ancient Aegiptians (as Maffarius de ponderibus writes) there was an inftrument called Funiculus , conteining 60 furlongs, where- with they meafured their fields and their vineyards, fo from the plough harneffe to the (lender hempen twift that they bind up their vines with, wold I branch my alliance, and omit nothing in the praife of it, except thofe two notable blemishes of the trade of rope-makers, Achitophel and Judas , that were the firft that ever hangd themfelves.

Bentiv. Thereto the rope-makers were but accidentally ac- cefsarie , as any honejl man may be , that lends a halter to a thief e, whereivith ( unwitting to hind) he goes and fteales a horfe : wherefore , however, {after a fort ) they may be faid to have their hands in the effect, yet they are free and innocent from the caufe.

Refpond. As though the caufe and the effedl (more than the fuperfices and the fubftance) can bee feperated, when in

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manie things, caufa fine qua non is both the caufe and the effect, the common diftinction of potentia non a£lu, approv- ing it felfe verie crazed and impotent herein, fince the pre- miffes neceffarily beget the conclufion, and fo contradictorily the conclufion the premiffes ; a halter including defperation, and fo defperation concluding in a halter ; without which fatall conclufion and privation, it cannot truly bee termed defperation, fince nothing is faid to bee till it is borne, and defpaire is never fully borne till it ceafeth to bee, and hath depriv’d him of beeing that firft bare it and brought it forth. So that herein it is hard to diftinguish which is moft to be blamed, of the caufe or the effect ; the caufe without the effect beeing of no effect, and the effect without the caufe never able to have been. Such another paire of undifcern- able twins and mutuall married correllatives are nature and fortune. As for example : if it be any mans fortune to hang himfelfe and abridg his naturall life, it is likewife natural to him (or allotted him by nature) to have no better fortune.

Carnead. Better or worfe fortune , I pry thee let us heare how thou goefi forward with defcribing the Doctor and his life and fortunes : and you, my. fellow auditors , I befeech you , trouble him not (anie more) with thefe impertinent paren- thefes.

Refpond. His education I wil handle next, wherein he ran through Didimus or Diomcdes 6000 books of the Arte of Grammar, befides learnd to write a faire capitall Romane hand, that might well ferve for a boone-grace to fuch men as ride with their face towards the horfe taile, or fet on the pillorie for coufnage or perjurie. Many a copy-holder or magiftrall fcribe, that holds all his living by fetting fchool-

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boies copies, comes fhort of the like gift. An old Do£tor of Oxford fhewd me Latine verfes of his in that flourifhing flantitanting goutie Omega fift, which he prefented unto him (as a bribe) to get leave to playe, when hee was in the heighth or prime of his Pner es cupis atque doceri. A good qualitie or qualification, I promife you truely, to keepe him out of the danger of the Statute gainft wilfull vagabonds, rogues, and beggers. But in his grammer yeares, (take me thus farre with you) he was a verie graceleffe litigious youth, and one that would pick quarrells with old Gulielmus Lillies Sintaxis and Profodia , everie howre of the daye : a defperate ftabber with pen-knives, and whom he could not over-come in deputation, he would be fure to break his head with his pen and ink-horne. His father prophecyde by that his ventrus manhood and valure, he would prove an other S'. Thomas a Becket for the church ; but his mo- ther doubted him much, by reafon of certaine ftrange dreames fhe had when fhe was firft quicke with childe of him, which wel fhe hoped were but idle fwimming fancies of no confequence, till beeing advifde by a cunning man (her frend, that was verie farre in her books) one time fliee flept in a fheepes fkinne all night, to the intent to dreame true, another time under a lawrell tree, a third time on the bare ground ftarke naked, and laft on a dead mans tomb, or grave-ftone, in the church in a hot fummers after-noone ; when, no barrel better herring, fhe fped even as fhe did before. For firft fhee dreamed her wombe was turned to fuch another hollow veffell full of difquiet fiends, as Salo- mons brazen bowle, wherein were fo manie thoufands of divels ; which (deepe hidden under ground) long after the Babilonians (digging for mettals) chaunced to light upon,

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and miftaking it for treafure, brake it ope verie greedily, when, as out of Pandoras boxe of maladyes which Epime- theus opened, all manner of evills flewe into the world ; fo all manner of devills then broke loofe amongft humane kinde. Therein her drowfie divination not much deceiv’d her ; for never wer Empedocles devils fo toft from the aire into the fea, and from the fea to the earth, and from the earth to the aire againe exhaled by the funne, or driv’n up by windes and tempefts, as his difcontented povertie (more difquiet than the Irifh feas) hath driv’n him from one pro- feffion to another. Devinitie (the heaven of all artes) for a while drew his thoughts unto it ; but fhortly after the world, the flefh, and the divell with-drewe him from that, and needes he would be of a more gentleman-like luftie cut : whereupon hee fell to morrall epiftling and poetrie. He fell, I may well fay, and made the price of wit and poetrie fall with him, when hee firft began to be a fripler or broker in that trade. Yea, from the aire he fell to the fea, (that my comparifon may hold in everie point) which is, he would needs croffe the feas to fetch home two penniworth of Tuf- canifme ; from the fea to the earth againe he was toft, videlicet fhortly after hee became a roguifh commenter uppon earth-quakes, as by the famous epiftles (by his owne mouth onely made famous) may more largely appeare. Ultima Imea rerum , his finall entrancing from the earth to the fkies, was his key-colde defence of the? cleargie in the tractate of Pap-hatchet , intermingled, like a fmall fleete of gallies, in the huge Armada againft me. The fecond dreame his mother had was, that fhe was deliverd of a caliver or hand-gun, which in the difcharging burft. I pray God (with all my heart) that this caliver, or cavalier, of poetrie, this

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hand-gun, or elder-gun, that fhoots nothing but pellets of chewd paper, in the difcharging burft not. A third time in her deep fhe apprehended and imagined, that out of her belly there grew a rare garden bed, over-run with garish weedes innumerable, which had onely one flip in it of herb of grace, not budding at the toppe neither, but, like the floure Narciffns , having flowres onely at the roote ; whereby fhe augur’d and conjectur’d, how ever hee made fome shew of grace in his youth, when he came to the top or heighth of his beft proofe, he would bee found a barrain ftalk with- out frute. At the fame time (over and above) fhee thought that, in ftead of a boye, (which fhe defired) she was deliverd and brought to bed of one of thefe kiftrell birds, called a wind-fucker. Whether it be verifiable, or onely probably furmifed, I am uncertaine, but conftantly up and downe it is bruted, how he pifb incke as foone as ever he was borne, and that the firft cloute he fowld was a sheete of paper; whence fome mad wits giv’n to defcant, even as Herodotus held that the Aethiopians feed of generation was as blacke as inke, fo haply they unhappely wold conclude, an Incubus , in the likenes of an inke-bottle, had carnall copulation with his mother when hee was begotten. Should I reckon up but one halfe of the miracles of his conception, that verie fubftantially have been affirmed unto me, one or other, like Bodine , wold ftart up and taxe mee for a miracle-monger, as hee taxt Livy , faying that he talkt of nothing elfe, fave how oxen fpake, of the flames of fire that iffued out of the Scipioes heads, of the ftatues of the gods that fwet, how Jupiter} in the likenes of a childe or yong-man, appeared to Hanniball, and that an infant of fix months olde proclaymed triumph up and downe the ftreetes. But let him that hath

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the poyfon of a thoufand gorgons, or flinging bafilifkes, full crammed in his inke-horne, tamper with mee, or taxe mee in the way of contradiction never fo little, and he shall finde (if I finde him not a toad, worthie for nought but to be flampt under foote) that I will fpit fire for fire, fight divell fight dragon, as long as he will. No vulgar refpects have I, what Hoppcnny Hoe and his fellow Hankin Booby thinke of mee, fo thofe whom arte hath adopted for the peculiar plants of her academie, and refined from the dull northernly droffe of our clyme, hold mee in anie tollerable account.

The woonders of my great grand-father Harveys progeni- ture were thefe.

In the verie moment of his birth there was a calfe borne in the fame towne with a dubble tongue, and having eares farre longer than anie affe, and his feete turned backward, like certain e people of the Tartars that nevertheles are reafonable fwift.

In the houre of his birth there was a moft darkfome eclipfe, as though hel and heaven, about a confultation of an eternall league, had met together.

Thofe that calculated his nativitie faid, that Saturne and the Moone (either of which is the caufer of madneffe) were melancholy conjoynd together (contrarie to all courfe of aftronomie) when into the world hee was produced. About his lips, even as about Dions ship, there flocked a fwarme of wafpes as foone as ever he was laid in his cradle. Scarce nine yeres of age he attaind too, when, by engroffing al ballets that came to anie market or faire there-abouts, he afpired to bee as defperate a ballet-maker as the beft of them. The firft frutes of his poettrie beeing a pittifull dittie in lamentation of the death of a fellow that, at

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Queene Maries coronation, came downward, with his head on a rope, from the fpyre of Powles fteeple, and brake his necke. Afterward he exercifed to write certaine graces in ryme dogrell, and verfes upon everie month, manie of which are yet extant in primers and almanackes. His father, with the extreame joy of his towardneffe, wept infinitely, and prophecide he was too forward witted to live long. His fchoole-mafter never heard him peirfe or confter, but he cryde out, 0 acumen Carneadum ! O decus addite divis ! and fwore by Sufenbrotus and Taleus, that he would proove another Philo Judceus for knowledge and deep judgment, who in philofophie was preferd above Plato , and bee a more rare exchequer of the Mufes than rich Gaza was for wealth ; which tooke his name of Cambyfes , laying all his treafure there when hee went to make warre againft Aegipt.

By this time imagin him rotten ripe for the Univerfitie, and that hee carries the poake for a meffe of porredge in Chrifts Colledge ; which I doo not upbraid him with, as anie difparagement at all, fince it is a thing everie one that is fcholler of the houfe is ordinarily fubject unto by turnes, but onely I thruft it in for a periphrafis. Of his admiffion, or matriculation, I am fu-re you will be glad to heare well of him, fince hee is a youth of fome hope, and you have been partly acquainted with his bringing up.

In fadnes I would be loath to difcourage ye, but yet in truth (as truth is truth, and will out at one time or other, and fhame the divell) the coppie of his Tutors letter to his father I will fhew you, about his carriage and demeanour ; and yet I will not pofitively affirme it his Tutors Letter neither, and yet you maye gather more than I am willing

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to utter, and what you lift not beleeve referre to after ages, even as Paulus Jovius did in his lying praifes of the houfe of Medicis, or the importunate Dialogue twixt Charles the Fifth and him of Expedire te oportet, et parare calamos , or his tempefhuous thunder-bolt invedlive againft Selimus.

The Letter of Harveys Tutor to his Father, as

TOUCHING HIS MANNERS AND BEHAVIOR. Emanuell.

Sir, Grace and peace unto you premifed. So it is that your fonne, you have committed to my charge, is of a paffing for- ward carriage , and profiteth very foundly.

Carnead. That is, beares himfelfe very forward on his tip-toes (as he did ever) and profits or battles foundly, and is a youth of a good Jize.

Letter.

Great expectations we have of him, that hee will prove an other Corax or Lacedemonian Ctefiphon for rhethorique, zvho was banifht becaufe he vaunted he could talke a whole day of anie thing.

Benti. I would our Gtgrmo Hidruntum were like wife banifht with him ; for he can hotch-potch whole decades up of nothing, and talks idlely all his life time.

Letter.

And not much inferiour to Demofthenes, Aefchines, De- mades, or the melodious recordmg Mufe of Italy, Cornelius Mufa, Bifhop of Bitonto, or the yet living mellifluous Panca- rola, who is faid to cafl out fpirites by his powerfull divine eloquence.

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Carnead. The fpirit of foolery out of this Archibald Ru- penrope he fhall never be able to caft, were the jiectar of his eloquence a thoufand times more fuperabundant, inceffant founding.

Letter.

When I record (as I doo often) the Jlrange untraffiqii t phrafes by him now vented and unpackt , as of incendarie for fire , an illuminarie for a candle and lant-horne , an indu- ment for a cloake , an under foote abjecft for a fhooe or a boote , then I am readie (with Erafmus) to cry , Sancte Socrates ! or (with Ariftotle) Ens entium miferere mei ! what an ingeny is heere ? 0 ! his conceipt is mojl delicate , and that right well he apprehendeth , having alreadie propofed high matters for it to worke on ; for ftealing into his ftudy by chance the other dayy there I found divers epiftles and ora- tions, purpofely directed and prepared ’ as if he had been fecretarie to her majeftie for the Latme tongue ; or againjt fuch a place fhould fall, he would be fure not to be unpro- vided: as alfo hee had furnifht himfelfe (as if he made no queftion to be the Univerjitie Orator ) for all congratulations , fimerall elegiacall condolments of the death of fuch and fuch a Doctor in Cambridge ; and which is more , of ever ie Privy Counfailour in England. You are no fchotler , and therefore little know what belongs to it ; but if you heard him how fa- credly hee ends everie fentence with effe poffe videatur, you would ( like thofe that arrive in the Phillipinas oppreft with fweete odors ) forget you are mortall, and imagine your felfe no where but in Paradice. Some there be (I am not ignor- ant) that upon his often bringing it in at the end of everie period , call him by no other name , but effe poffe videatur ; but they are fuch as were never endenizond in fo much arte ,

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as fimiliter definens, and know not the true ufe of numerus rhetoricus. So upon his firft manumijjion in the myfterie of logique, becaufe he obferv'd ergo was the deadly clap of the peece , or driven home ftab of the fyllogifme , hee accuftomed to make it the faburden to anie thing hee fpake ; as if anie of his companions complained hee was hungrie , hee would ftraight conclude ergo, you muft goe to dinner ; or if the clocke had ftroke or bell tow Id, ergo you muft goe to fuch a lecture ; or if anie ftr anger faid he came to feeke fuch a one, and defin'd him he would fhew him which was his chamber, he would foorthwith come upon him with, ergo he muft go up fuch a paire of ftaires : whereupon (_ for a great while) he was cald nothing but Gabrieli Ergo up and downe the coll edge. But a fcoffe which longer dwelt with him than the reft, though it argued his extreame pregnancie of capacitie, and argute tranfperfing dexteritie of paradoxifme, was that once he would needs defend a rat to be animal rationale, that is, to have as reafonable a foule as anie Academick, becaufe Jhe eate and gnawd his bookes, and, except file carried a braine with her, Jhe could never digefi or be fo capable of learning. And the more to confirme it, becaufe everie one laught at him for a common mountebanke rat-catcher about it, the next rat he feaz'd on hee made an anatomie of, and read a lecture of 3 dayes long upon everie artire or mufckle in her, and after hangd her over his head in his ftudie, in ftead of an apothe- caries crocodile, or dride alligatur. I have not yet mentiond his poetrie, wherein hee furmounteth and difmounteth the moft heroycalleft Countes Mountes of that craft, having writ verfes in all kindes ; as in forme of a paire of gloves, a dozen of points, a paire of fpectacles, a two-hand fword, a poynado, a coloffus, a pyramide, a painters eazill, a market

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croffe , a trumpet , anchor , <2 paire of pot-hookes ; yet I can fee no authors he hath , more than his owne naturall Genius or Minerva, except it bee Have with ye to Florida, The ftorie of Axeres and the worthie Iphijs, As I went to Walfingham, and In Creete when Dedalus ; a fong that is to him food from heaven , and more tranf porting and ravifhing than Platoes Difcourfe of the immortalitie of the J'oule was to Cato, who , with the verie joy he conceivd from reading there- of\ wold needs let out his foule , and fo Jlabd himfelfe. Above Homers or all mens workes whofoever he doth prize it , lay- ing it under his pillow ( like Homers works ) every night , and carrying it in his bofome ( next his heart ) everie day. From the generall difcourfe of his verities, let mee digreffe , and in- forme you of fome few fragments of his vices ; as lihe a church and an ale-houfe , God and the divell ', they manie times dwell neere together. Memorandum : his laundreffe com- plaines of him that hee is mightie jlefhly given, and that there had lezvdnes paffed betwixt her daughter and him , if fhe had not luckcly prevented it by fearching her daughters pocket , wherein fhe found a little epitomizd Bradfords Meditations, no broader volum'd than a feale at armes , or a blacke melan- choly velvet patch, and a three-pennie pamphlet of The Fall of Man he had beflowed on her , that he might Jlow her under hatches in his jludy, and do what he wold with her. In a waft white leafe of one of which bookes he had writ for his fentence, or pofie, Nox et amor, as much to fay as 0 for a pretie wench in the darke ! and underneath , Non funt fine viribus artus, if thou comft , old laffe, I will tickle thee: and in the other , Leve fit quod bene fertur onus, that is, we mujl beare with one another , and Fcelices quibus ufus adeft, ufe in all things makes perfect. Secondly , he is beyond all reafon ,

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or Gods forbod \ diftradledly enamoured of his own beautie, /pending a whole forenoone everie day in fpunging and lick- ing himfelfe by the glaffe ; and ufeth everie night after /upper to walke on the market hill to J hew himfelfe , holding his gown tip to his middle , that the zvenches may fee what a fine leg and a dainty foote he hath in pumpes and pantoffles ; and if they give him never fo little an amorous regard, he prefently boords them with a fet /peach of the firfl gathering together of focieties, and the diftinction of amor and amicitia out of Tullies Offices ; which if it work no ejfedl , and they laugh at, he will rather take a raifon of the [unite, aud weare it at his eare for a favor , than it fhould bee J, 'aid hee would go e away emptie. Thirdly, he is verie feditious and mutinous in converfation, picking quarrells with everie man that will not magnifie and applaud him, libelling moft execrably and inhu- manely on Jacke of the Falcon, for that he would not lend him a meffe of mustard to his red herrings ; yea, for a leffer matter than that on the Colledge dog he libeld \ onely becaufe he proudly bare up his taile as hee past by him. And fourthly and laftly, he ufeth often to be drunk with the firrupe or broth of ftewd prunes, and eateth more bread, under pretence of fzvearing by it, than would ferve a whole band in the Low Countries. Thefe are the lea ft portion of his veniall Jinnes ; but I forbear him, and proceed no further, becaufe I love him: only I wold wifh you {being his father ) at anie hand to warne him of thefe matters privately betwixt him and you, and againe and againe cry out upon him to beware of pride ; which I more than fatally prophecie will be his utter over- throw. Yours affuredly, and fo foorth,

Johannes fine nomine ; A nno Domini, what ye will.

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Carnead. What is your cen Jure, you that bee of the common counfaile ? May this Epiftle paffe or no without a demurre or firovifo f

Confil. Paffe in the way of paftime, and fo foorth; it being no indecorum at all, to the Comedie we have in hand, to admit Piers himfelfe for his tutor , for if he proceed in the fevere difcipline he hath begun, he is like to humble him, and bring him to more goodnes than anie tutor or mafter he ever had since he was borne.

Life.

Leaving his childhood, which hath leave or a lawe of priviledge to be fond, and to come to the firft prime of his pamphleting, which was much about the fetting up of the bull by Felton on the bifhop of Londons gate, or rather fome prettie while before, when, for an affay or nice tailing of his pen, he capitulated on the births of monfters, horrible mur- ders, and great burnings ; and afterward, in the yeare when the earth-quake was, he fell to be a familiar epiftler, and made Powles Church-yard refound, or crie twang againe, with foure notable famous Letters : in one of which he enterlaced his fhort, but yet fharp judiciall of earth-quakes, and came verie fhort and fharpe uppon my lord of Oxford in a rattling bundle of Englilh hexameters. How that thriv’d with him fome honeft chronicler helpe me to remember, for it is not comprehended in my braines diarie or ephemerides ; but this I can j uftifie, that immediately upon it he became a common writer of almanackes. Tis mervaile if fome of you, amongft your unfatiable overturnings of libraries, have not Humbled on fuch an approved architect of calenders, as Gabriel Freud, the prognofticator. That Frend I not a little fufpedl (if a man fhould take occafion to trye his Frend)

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would be found to bee no Freud , but my conftant approved mortall enemie Gabrieli Harvey. Well, I may fay to you, it is a difficult rare thing in thefe dayes to finde a true Freud ; but the probable reafons which drive me to con- je&ure that it is a falfe Freud which deludes us with thefe durtie aftronomicall predictions, and that Gabrieli Harvey is this Freud in a corner, which no man knowes of, be thefe that follow. Firft, he hath been noted, in manie companies where hee hath been, very fufpitioufly to undermine, whither any man knew fuch a fellow as Gabrieli Freud, the prognof- ticator or no ? or whether they ever heard of anie that ever faw him or knew him ? Wheretoo, when they all aunfwered with one voyce, not guiltie to the feeing, hearing, or under- ftanding of anie fuch J 'tarry noune fubftantive up ftarts me he (like a proud fchool-mafter, when one of his boyes hath made an oration before a countrey Maior that hath pleafd) and bites the lip, and winkes and fmiles privily, and lookes pertly upon it, as who fhould fay, Coram quem queritis adfum : and after fome little coy bridling of the chin, and nice fim- pering and wrything his face 30 waies, tels them flatly that uppon his credit and knowledge (both which are hardly worth a candles end to helpe him to bed with) there is no fuch Quartermajler , or mafter of the 4 quarters, or writer in redde letters, as that fuppofed flower of frend- ly curtefle, Gabrieli Freud, the prognofticator; but, to ufe plaine dealing amongft frends, a frend of his it is he muft conceale, who thoght good to fhroud himfelfe under that title. Now, if ye will allow of my verdit in this behalfe, I hold unufquifque proximus ipfe Jibi, every man is the beft Freud to himfelf ; and that he himfelf and no other, is that Freud of his he muft conceale. The 2 argument that confirmes me in this

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ftrong article of my creede is, for none is privy to a blank maintenance he hath ; and fome maintenance of neceffity he muft have, or elfe how can he maintaine his peak in true chriftendome of rofe-water everie morning ? By the civil law, peradventure you will alleage, he fetches it in : nay, therein ye are deceivd, for he hath no law for that. I will not deny but his mother may have fu’d in forma pauperis , but he never follicited in form of papers in the Arches in his life. How then doth he fetch it aloft with his poetrie ? DU faciant laudis fumma Jit ifta fuce : I pray God he never have better lands or living till he die. Shall I difcharge my confcience, being no more than (on my foule) is moft true? The printers and ftationers ufe himas hewer th z Homer of this age, for they fay unto him, Si nihil attideris , ibis} Homere, for as: Harvey if ye bring no mony in your purfe, ye get no books printed here. Even for the printing of this logger-head legend of lyes, which now I am wrapping up hot fpices in, hee ran in debt with Wolfe , the printer, 3 6 pound, and a blue coate which he borrowed for his man ; and yet Wolfe did not fo much as brufh it when hee lent it him, or preffe out the print where the badge had been. The ftorie at large, a leafe or two hence, you fhall heare. The laft refuge and fanCtuarie for his exhibition (after his lands, law, and poetrie are confifcated) is to prefume he hath fome privy benefactors or patrons that holde him up by the chin. What hee hath had of late my intelligence failes me, but for a number of yeares paft, I dare confidently depofe, not a bit nor cue of anie benefa6tor or patron he had, except the butler or manciple of Triniiie Hall (which are both one) that trufted him for his commons and fizing ; fo that when I have toyled the utmoft that I can to fave his credite and

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honeftie, the beft wit-craft I can turn him too, to get three pence a weeke, and keepe the paper foales and upper leather of his pantoffles together, is to write prognoftigations and almanackes ; and that alone hath beene, and muft bee, his beft philofophers ftone till hys laft deftiny.

I was fure, I was fure, at one time or other I fhould take him napping. O eternall j eft ! (for Gods fake helpe me to laugh). What a grave Dodtor, a bafe John Doleta , the almanack-maker, Dodtor Deufe-ace and Dodtor Mery-man ? Why from this day to proceed, lie never goe into Powles Church-yard to enquire for anie of his workes, but (where ever I come) looke for them behinde the doore, or on the backe-fide of a fcreene (where almanackes are fet ufually) ; or at a barbers or chandlers fhop never to miffe of them. A maker of almanackes, quoth a ? God forgive me, they are readier money than ale and cakes, and are more familiar read than Tullies familiar epiftles, or the difcourfe of debitor or creditor, efpecially of thofe that ordinar[il]y write letters, or have often occafion to paye money. They are the verie dialls of dayes, the funnes gheffes ; and the moones months- mind. Here in London ftreets, if a man have bufines to enquire for anie bodie, and he is not well acquainted with the place, he goes filthely halpering, and afking, cap in hand, from one fhop to another, where’s fuch a houfe and fuch a figne ? But if we have bufines to fpeake with anie in the fkie, buy but one of Gabrieli Frend or Gabrieli Harveys almanacks, and you fhall carry the figne and houfe in your pockets, whether Jupiters houfe, Saturnes houfe, Mars hys houfe, Venus houfe, or anie hot-houfe or baudyhoufe of them all. To conclude; not the pooreft walking-mate, or thred-bare cut-purfe in a countrey, that can well be without

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them, be it but to know the faires and markets when they fall : and againft who dare I will uphold it, that theres no fuch neceffarie book of common places in the earth as it. As for example, from London to Yorke , from Yorke to Bar- wicke , and fo backwardes. It is a ftrange thing I fhould be fo fkilfull in phifiognomie and never ftudied it. I alwaies faw in the dodlors countenaunce he greedily hunted after the high way to honour, and was a bufie chronicler of high wayes, he had fuch a number of ugly wrinckled high wayes in his vifage. But the time was, when he would not have given his head for the wafhing, and would have tooke foule fcorne that the beft of them all fhould have out-fac’d him. I have a tale at my tungs-end, if I can happen upon it, of his hobby-horfe-revelling and dominering at Andley- end , when the Queene was there ; to which place, Gabrieli (to doo his countrey more worfhip and glory) came ruffling it out, huffty tuffty, in his fuite of velvet. There be then in Cambridge that had occafion to take note of it ; for he ftood noted, or fcoard, for it in their bookes manie a faire day after : and if I take not my markes amiffe, Raven , the botcher by Pembrook-haf (whether he be alive or dead I know not) was as privie to it, everi e, patch of it from top to toe, as hee that made it ; and if everie one would but mend one as often as hee hath mended that, the world would bee by 200 parts honefter than it is ; yet be he of the mending hand never fo, and Gabrieli never able to make him amends, he may bleffe the memorie of that wardrope, for it will be a good while ere hee meete with the like cuftomer as it was to him, at leaf! 14 yere together, falling into his hands twice a yeare, as fure as a club, before every batchelors and matters commenfment ; or if it were above, it was a generall item to

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all the Univerfitie, that the do6tor had fome jerking hex- ameters or other fhortly after to paffe the ftampe, hee never in all his life (till lately he fel a wrangling with his fifter in law) having anie other bufmes at London. The rotten mould of that worme eaten relique (if hee were well fearcht) he weares yet, meaning when he dies to hang it over his tombe for a monument ; and in the meane time, though it is not his lucke to meete with ever a fubftantiall baudie cafe (or booke cafe) that carries rem in re> meate in the mouth in it (a miferable, intolerable cafe, when a yong fellow and a yong wench cannot put the cafe together, and doo with their owne what they lift, but they fhalbe put to their booke to confeffe, and be hideoufly perplext) yet I fay daily and hourely doth he deale upon the cafe notwith- ftanding. You will imagine it a fable, percafe, which I fhall tell you, but it is x times more unfallible than the newes of the Jewes rifing up in armes to take in the Land of Pro- mife, or the raining of corne this fummer at Wakefield. A gentleman (long agoe) lent him an old velvet faddle, which when he had no ufe for, fince no man elfe would truft him for a bridle, and that he was more accuftomed to be ridden than to ride, what does me he, but deeming it a verie bafe thing for one of his ftanding in the Univerfity to be faid to be yet dunfing in Sadolet , and with all, fcorning his chamber, fhuld be employed as an oftry preffe to lay up jades riding jackets and truffes in, prefently untruffeth, and pelts the out-fide from the lining, and, under benedicite here in private be it fpoken, dealt verie cunningly and covertly in the cafe ; for with it he made him a cafe, or cover, for a dublet, which hath cafed and coverd his nakednes ever fince: and to tell yee no lye, about two yeare and a halfe paft,

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he creditted Newgate with the fame metamorphized coftly veftiment. As good cheape as it was deliverd to mee (at the fecond hand) you have it. Nil habeo preeter auditum ; I was not at the cutting it out, nor v/ill I binde your confciences too ftridlly to embrace it for a truth, but if my judgement might ftand for up, it is rather likely to be true than falfe, fince it vanifht invifible and was never heard of ; and, befides, I cannot devife how he fhould behave him to confume fuch an implement, if he confifcated it not to that ufe, neither lending it away nor felling it ; nor how hee fhould otherwife thruft himfelfe into fuch a moth-eaten weed, having neyther money nor frends to procure it. Away, away ! never hauke nor paufe upon it, for without all par-anters it is fo ; and let them tattle and prate till their tongues ake, were there a thoufand more of them, and they fhould fet their wit to his, he would make them fet befides the faddle, even as he did the gentleman. A man in hys cafe hath no other Jhift, or apparaile, which you will, but he muft thus fhift other- while for his living, efpecially living quiet as he dooth with- out anie crofses (in his purfe fubaudi) and being free from all covetous incumbraunces : yet in my fhallow foolifh con- ceipt, it were a great deale better for him if he were not free, but crojl foundly, and committed prifoner to the Tower, where, perhaps once in his life, he might be brought to look upon the Queenes coine in the Mynt, and not thus be alwaies abroad, and never within , like a begger. I muft beg patience of you, thogh I have been fomwhat too tedious in brufhing his velvet ; but the Court is not yet remov’d from Audley-end, and we fhall come time enough thether to learne what rule he keepes.

There did this our Talatamtana , or Dodlour Hum , thruft

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himfelfe into the thickeft rankes of the noblemen and gal- lants ; and whatfoever they were arguing of, he would not miffe to catch hold of, or ftrike in at the one end, and take the theame out of their mouths, or it fhould goe hard. In felfe fame order was hee at his pretie toyes and amorous glaunces and purpofes with the damfells, and putting baudy riddles unto them. In fine, fome deputations there were, and he made an Oration before the Maids of Honour, and not before her Majeftie as heretofore I mifinformedly fet down, beginning thus :

Nux mulier ajinus Jimili funt lege ligata ,

Hcec tria nil recte faciunt, Ji verb era de/iint.

A nut , a woman , and an affe are like ,

Thefe three doo nothing right , except yon Jlrike.

Carnead. He woidd have had the maids of honor thriftely cudgeld belike , and lambeaki one after another.

Refpond. They underftood it not fo.

Bentiv. No, I thinke fo, for they underftood it not at all.

Confil. Or if they had, they woidd have driven him to his guard.

Carnead. Or had the guard driven him downe the ftaires , zvith Deiu vous garde, monfieur, goe and prate in the yard Don Pedant ; there is no place for you here.

Life.

The proces of that Oration was of the fame woofe and thrid with the beginning; demurely and maidenly fcoffing, and blufhingly wantoning, and making love to thofe foft fkind foules and fvveete nymphes of Helicon , betwixt a kinde of careleffe rude ruffianifme, and curious finicall com-

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plement ; both which hee more exprefl by his countenance, than anie good jefts that hee uttered. This finifhed (though not for the finifhing or pronouncing of this) by fome better frends than hee was worthie of, and that afterwards found him unworthie of the graces they had beftowed upon him, he was brought to kiffe the Queenes hand ; and it pleafed her Highnes to fay (as in my former booke I have cyted), that he lookt fomething like an Italian. No other incite- ment he needed to rouze his plumes, pricke up his eares, and run away with the bridle betwixt his teeth, and take it upon him (of his owne originall ingrafted difpofition theretoo he wanting no aptnes) ; but now he was an infulting monarch, above Monarcha , the Italian, that ware crownes on his fhooes ; and quite renounft his naturall Englifh accents and geftures, and wrefted himfelfe wholy to the Italian puntilios , fpeaking our homely Hand tongue ftrangely, as if he were but a raw practitioner in it, and but ten daies before had entertained a fchoole-mafter to teach him to pronounce it. Ceremonies of reverence to the greateft ftates (as it were not the fafhion of his cuntray) he was very parfimonious and niggardly of, and would make no bones to take the wall of Sir Philip Sidney , and another honourable knight (his companion), about Court yet attending, to whom I wifh no better fortune than the forelockes of fortune he had hold of in his youth, and no higher fame than hee hath purchaft himfelfe by his pen ; being the firft (in our language) I have encountred, that repurified poetrie from arts pedant- ifme, and that inftruCted it to fpeake courtly. Our Patron, our Phoebus , our firft Orpheus , or quinteffence of invention he is ; wherefore, either let us jointly invent fome worthy fubject to eternize him, or let warre call back barbarifme

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from the Danes, P idles, and Saxons, to fuppres our frolicke fpirits, and the leaft fparke of more elevated fence amongft us finally be quenched and die, ere we can fet up brazen pillers for our names, and fciences, to preferve them from the Deluge of Ignorance. But to returne from whence I ftrayd. Dagohert Coppenhagen in his jollitie perfifteth, is haile fellow well met with thofe that looke higheft, and to cut it off in three fyllables, follows the traine of the deli- cateft favorites and minions, which by chaunce being with- drawne a mile or two off, to one Mafter Bradburies, where the late deceafed counteffe of Darbie was then harbinged. After fupper they fell to danfing, every one choofing his mate as the cuftome is ; in a trice fo they fhuffled the cards of purpofe (as it wer to plague him for his prefumption) that, will he nill he, muft tread the meafures about with the fouleft, fouleft ugly gentlewoman or fury that might be, (thenwayting on the forefaid counteffe) thrice more deformed than the woman with the home in her head. A turne or two hee mincingly pact with her about the roome, and folemnly kift her at the parting ; fince which kiffe of that fquinteyd Lamia or Gorgon , as if fhe had been another Circe to transforme him, he hath not one houre beene his owne man. For whilft yet his lips fmoakt with the fteame of her fcortching breath, that partcht his beard like fun- burnt graffe in the dog-dayes, he ran headlong violently to his ftudy as if he had bin born with a whirl-winde, and ftrait knockt n>e up together a poem, calde his Aedes Val- dinenfes, in prayfe of my L. of Leycefter , of his kiffing the Queenes hand, and of her fpeech and comparifon of him, how he lookt like an Italian : what, vide, fayth he in one place ; Did I fee her Majefty, quoth a ? Imo, vide ipfe lo-

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quentem cum Snaggo, I faw her conferring with no worfe man then Matter Snagge. The bungerlieft vearfes they were that ever were fcande, beeing moft of them hought, and cut off by the knees, out of Virgill and other authors. This is a patterne of one of them : Wodde, meufque tuufque fuufque Britannorumque fuor unique, running through all the pronounes in it, and jumpe imitating a verfe in As in prefenti, or in the demeanes or adjacents I am certaine. I had forgot to obferve unto you, out of his firft foure fami- liar Epiftles, his ambicious ftratagem to afpire, that whereas two great Pieres beeing at jarre, and their quarrell conti- nued to bloudfhed, he would needs, uncald and when it lay not in his way, fteppe in on the one fide, which indeede was the fafer fide (as the foole is crafty inough to fleepe in a whole fkin) and hewe and flafh with his hexameters ; but hewd and flafht he had beene as fmall as chippings, if he had not played ducke Fryer, and hid himfelfe eight weeks in that noblemans houfe, for whome with his pen hee thus bladed. Yet nevertheleffe Syr James a Croft, the olde Controwler, ferrited him out, and had him under hold in the Fleete a great while, taking that to be aimde and leveld againft him, becaufe he cald him his olde Controwler, which he had moft venomoufly belched againft Dodtour Perne. Uppon his humble fubmiffion, and ample expofi- tion of the ambiguous text, and that [at] his forementioned Mecenas mediation, matters were difpenft with and qualli- fied, and fome light countenance, like funfhine after a ftorrne, it pleafed him after this to let fall upon him, and fo difpatcht him to fpurre cut backe againe to Cambridge. Where, after his arrivall, to his affociates and companions he privatly vaunted what redoubled rich brightnes to his

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name this fhort eclipfe had brought, and that it had more dignified and rail'd him, than all his endevours from his childhood. With fuch incredible applaufe and amazement of his judges hee bragd hee had cleard himfelfe, that every one that was there ran to him and embraft him, and fhortly hee was promift to be cald to high preferment in court, not an ace lower than a fecretarifhip, or one of the darks of the councell. Should I explaine to you howe this wrought with him, and how, in the itching heate of this hopefull golden worlde and hony moone, the ground would no longer beare him, but to Sturbridge Fayre, and up and downe Cambridge , on his foot-cloth majeftically he would pace it, with manie moe madde trickes of youth nere plaid before, in ftead of making his heart ake with vexing, I fhould make yours burft with laughing. Dodor Perne in this plight, nor at anie other time, ever met him, but he would fhake his hand and crie Vanitas vanitatum , omnia vanitas , Vanitie of vanities, and all things is vanitie !

His father he undid to furnifh him to the Court once more, where prefenting himfelfe in all the colours of the raine-bow, and a paire of mouftachies like a black horfe tayle tyde up in a knot, with two tuffts fticking out on each fide, he was afkt by no meane perfonage, Unde hcec infania ? whence proceedeth this folly or madnes ? and he replied with that wether-beaten peice of a verfe out of the Grammer, Semel infanivimus omnes , once in our dayes there is none of us but have plaid the ideots ; and fo was he counted and bad ftand by for a nodgf combe. He that moft patronizd him, prying more fearchingly into him, and finding that he was more meete to make fport with, than anie way deeply to be employd, with faire words fhooke

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him off, and told him he was fitter for the Univerfitie, than for the Court or his turne, and fo bad God profper his ftu- dies, and fent for another fecretarie to Oxford.

Readers, be merry ; for in me there fhall want nothing I can doo to make you merry. You fee I have brought the Do6tor out of requeft at Court, and it fhall coft me a fall, but I will get him howted out of the Univerfitie too, ere I give him over. What will you give mee when I bring him uppon the ftage in one of the principalleft Colledges in Cambridge f Lay anie wager with me, and I will ; or if you laye no wager at all, He fetch him aloft in Pedajztius, that exquifite comedie in Trinitie Colledge , where, under the cheife part, from wdiich it tooke his name, as namely the concife and firking finicaldo fine fchool-mafter, hee was full drawen and delineated from the foale of the foote to the crowne of his head. The juft manner of his phrafe in his Orations and Difputations they ftufft his mouth with, and no ruffianifme throughout his whole bookes but they bol- fterd out his part with ; as thofe ragged remnaunts in his foure familiar Epiftles twixt him and Senior Immerito , raptim fcripta , nofti manurn et ftylnm , with innumerable other of his rabble-routs: and fcoffing his Mufarum La- chrymce with Flebo amorem meum , etiam Mufarum lachry- mis ; which, to give it his due, was a more collachrymate wretched treatife than my Piers Pennileffe} being the pitti- fulleft pangs that ever anie mans Mufe breathd foorth. I leave out halfe ; not the carrying up of his gowne, his nice gate on his pantoffles, or the affedled accent of his fpeach, but they perfonated. And if I should reveale all, I thinke they borrowd his gowne to playe the part in, the more to flout him. Let him denie this (and not damne himfelfe)

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for his life, if hee can. Let him denie that there was a shewe made at Clare-hall of him and his two brothers, called,

Tarrarantantara turba tumultuofa Trigonum ,

T ri- Harvey or um , T ri-harmon ia.

Let him denie that there was another shewe made of the little minnow his Brother, Dodrans Dicke , at Peter-houfe, called,

Duns furens. Dick Harvey in a frenfie.

Whereupon Dick came, and broke the Colledge glaffe windowes ; and Doctor Perne (being then either for him- felfe or deputie Vice-chancellour) caufed him to be fetcht in, and fet in the ftockes till the shew was ended, and a great part of the night after.

The firft motive, or caller foorth, of Gabriels English hexameters was his falling in love with Kate Cotton , and Widdowes his wife, the Butler of Saint Johns. And this was a rule inviolate amongft the fraternitie of them ; Ga- brieli was alwayes in love, Dick ftill in hate, either with Ariftotle} or with the great Beare in the firmament which he continually bayted, or with religion, againft which in the publique fchooles he fet up atheistical queftions, and befides compared his beard fo Porphirian blafphemoufly, as I am afraid the earth would fwallow me if I should but rehearfe. It fell to my lot to have the perufing of a letter of his to Dodtor Fidke , then lying at a preachers houfe neere Criplegate, in London , as touching his whole perfecution by the fellows of the houfe about it, and how, except he had mercie on him, he were expulft and caft awaye without re- demption.

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The third brother {John) had almoft as ill a name as the Spittle in Shorditch , for the olde reakes hee kept with the wenches in Queenes Colledge Lane ; and if M. Wathe his ancient over-wharter (betwixt whom and him there was fuch deadly emulation) had bin furnifht with thofe inftruc- tions therof which I could have lent him, he had put him downe more handfmoothe than he did, though at a com- menfment dinner in Queenes Colledge (as apparantly as might be) he graveld, and fet a ground both him and his brother Gabienus. This John was hee, that beeing enter- tained in Juftice Meades houfe (as a fchoole-mafber) ftole away his daughter, and to pacifie him, dedicated to him an Almanacke ; which daughter (or Johns wife) since his death, Gabrieli (under pretence of taking out an adminiftration, according as fhe in every court exclaimes) hath gone about to circumvent [her] of al fhe hath : to the which effedl (about 3 yere agoe) there were three declarations put up againft him, and a little while after I heard there were attachments out for him : whether he hath compounded fince or no, I leave to the jurie to enquire.

Pigmey Dicke aforefaid, that lookes like a pound of gold-fmiths candles, is fuch another Venetian fteale placard as John was, being like to commit folly the laft yeare in the houfe where he kept (as a friend of his verie foberly in- formed me) with a milke-maid ; and if there had not bin more government in her than in him (for all his diviniti- fhip) the thing you wote of, the blowe that never fmarteth had been ftroke, and fhe carried away to Saffron-waldeny he fending for her to one Philips his houfe, at the figne of the Bel in Bromley , and there feafting her to that end. Faft and pray, luxurious vicar, to keepe under thy unruly

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members, and wrap thee in a monkes cowle, which (they fay) is good to mortifie ; or drinke of the water of Saint Ives , by John Bale (out of Romifh authors) produced to be good againft the temptations of the petticoate ; or (which exceedeth them both) trie Majler Candijhes roote hee brought out of the Indies, giv’n him by a venerable hermit, with this probatum eft , or vertue, that he which tailed it fhould never luft after : by that token he could meet with none about Court, or in London , that was content to be an eunuch for the kingdome of Heaven, or lov’d his pleafure fo little as to venture upon it. I have not yet feald and fhakt hands with him for making two fuch falfe prophets of Saturne and Jupiter, out of whofe jumbling in the darke, and conjunction copulative, he denounced fuch oracles and alterations to enfue, as if (like another Thebit Bencorat ) he had liv’d 40 yere in a mountain to difcerne the motion of the eighth orbe ; but as he (for all his labour) could not attaine to it, no more could Dick (with his predictions) compaffe anie thing but derifion, being publiquely preacht againft for it at Bowles Crofse by the Bifhop of London that then was; who (according to arte, if fuch a conjunction had chanc’d) difproov’d the revolutions to bee cleane contrarie : and, befides,a fingular fcholler, on eM after Heath, (a follower of the right honorable and worthie Lord of HunJ don that now is) fet upon it, and anfwered it in print, pell mell, cape a pee, by probable reafon, and out of all authors perfpicu- oufly demonftrating what a lying Ribaden, and Chinklen Kraga it was, to conftellate and plannet it fo portentoufly. I am none of the CaJhiers, or Providitores, for lame foul- diours, or men of defert ; but were I one, as the Athenians (in the nobleft fchoole of their academy) erected to Berofus>

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the aftrologer, a ftatue with a golden tongue, for his pre- dictions were true ; fo would I largely disburfe toward the building him a ftatue on Sophifters Hills , by Cambridge , with a tongue of copper, or ockamie (neerely counterfetting filver) fuch as organ pipes and ferjeants maces are made of, becaufe his predictions are falfe and erroneous. And fo lightly are all the trade of them, never foretokening or fore- telling anie thing, till after it be come to paffe : and then, if it bee a warrior, or conqueror, they would flatter, who is luckie and fuccesfull in his enterprifes, they fay he is borne under the aufpicious figne of Capricorne , as Cardan faith Cofmo de Medicis , Selimus, Charles the fifth, and Charles Duke o i Burbon were ; albeit, I dare be fworne, no wizardly aftronomer of them all ever dreamd of anie fuch calculations, till they had fhewd themfelves fo victorious, and their prof- perous raignes were quite expired. On the other fide, if he be difaftrous or retrograde in hys courfes, the malevolent ftarres of Medufa and Andromeda , inferring fuddaine death or banifhment, predominated his nativitie. But (I thank heaven) I am none of their credulous difciples, nor can they coufen or feduce me with anie of their jugling con- jecturalls, or winking, or tooting throgh a fix penny Jacobs Staff e : their fpels, their characters, their anagrams, I have no more perfwaflon of, than I am perfwaded, that under the inverted denomination or anagram of this word Septem- ber, (as fome of our late devines and auncient Hebrue rabbines would enforce upon us) is included the certaine time of the worlds firft creation ; or that he which is born under Aries fhall never goe in a thrid bare cloake, or be troubled with the rheume, becaufe the funne, arriving in that poynt, cloatheth the earth with a new fleece, and fucks

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up all the winters fuperfluous moyfture ; or that he which is borne under Libra fhall bee a judge or juftice of peace, becaufe the funne in that figne equally poyzeth the daies and nights alike. Heilding Dick e (this our ages Albumazar ) is a temporift that hath faith inough for all religions, even as Thomas Deloney , the balletting filke-weaver, hath rime inough for all myracles, and wit to make a Garland of Good- will more than the premiffes, with an epiftle of Momus and Zoylus ; whereas his mufe, from the firft peeping foorth, hath ftood at Jivery at an ale-houfe wifpe, never exceeding a penny a quart, day nor night ; and this deare yeare, to- gether with the filencing of his looms, fcarce that ; he being conftrained to betake him to carded ale : whence it pro- ceeded that, fince Candlemas or his jigge of John for the King , not one merrie dittie will come from him, but The Thunder-bolt againft Swearers, Repent England, repent, and Strange judgements of God. No more will there from Dick quibus in terris, Dick, paftor of Chefelhurfl, that was wont to pen Gods judgements upon fuch and fuch and one, as thicke as watermen at Weftminfter-bridge. The miracles of the burning of Bruftur with his wench in adulterie, he writ for Binneman ; which a villaine ( Brufturs owne kinf- man) long afterward at the gallowes tooke uppon him, and {hewed what ninnies a vayne pamphleter (one Richard Harvey) had made of the world, imputing it to fuch a won- derfull vengeance of adulterie, when it was nought but his murdrous knaverie. Dead fure they are in writing againft the dead ; dauncing Morifcoes and Lavaltoes on the filent graves of Plato , Buchanan, Sinejius, Pierius, Ariftotle, and the whole petigree of the Peripatecians, Sophifters, and Sorbonifts ; the moft of whofe mouthes clods had bungd up

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many Olimpiades fince, yet feeke they to ftifle and choak them again with wafte paper, when (in thys innovating felfe-love age) it is difputable, whether they have anie trends or no left to defend them. This is that Dick , that fet Ai'if- totle , with his heeles upward, on the fchoole gates at Cam- bridge, and affes eares on hys head ; a thing, that in perpe- tuam rei memoriam, I will record and never have done with. This is that Dick , that comming to take one Smiths (a yong batchelour of Trinitie Colledge) queftions, and they being fuch as he durft not venture on, cride, Aquila non capit mufcas, an eagle catcheth no flies ; and fo gave them him againe : wheretoo, the other (beeing a luftie big boand fellow, and a Golias , or Behemoth, in comparifon of him) ftrait retorted it upon him, Nee elephas mures , no more doth an elephant ftoope to myce ; and fo they parted. This is that Dick, of whom Kit Marloe was wont to fay, that he was an affe, good for nothing but to preach of the iron age : dialoguizing Dicke, Io Pcean Dicke, Synefian and Pierian Dick , Dick the true Brute, or noble Trojan, or Dick that hath vowd to live and die in defence of Brute , and this our ifles firft offspring from the Trojans : Dick againft baldnes, Dick againft Buchanan, little and little witted Dicke, Aquinas Dicke, Lipjian Dick, heigh ! light a love a Dick , that loft his benefice and his wench both at once ; his benefice for want of fufficiencie, and his wench for want of a benefice or fuffi- cient living to maintaine her ; dilemma Dick, diffentious Dick. With abi in malam crucem, that is, get all thy frends in their prayers to commend thee, I fhut up the congefted Index of thy redundant approby, and haft backe to the right wor- th ipfull of the lawes, M after D. Garropius, thy brother, (as in everie letter that thou writ’ft to him thou tearmft him,)

Therefore Lip- fian Dicke, becaufe lamely and lubberly hee ftrives to imitate and bee another Englifh Lip- fius, when his lippes hang fo in his light, as hee can never come neere him.

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who, for all he is a civill lawier, will never be lex loquens , a lawier that lhall lowd throate it with, Good, my lord, con- fider this poor mans cafe ! But thogh he be in none of your courts Licentiate, and a courtier otherwife hee is never like to be : one of the Emperour Juftinians courtiers (the civill lawes chiefe founder) malgre he will name himfelfe ; and a quarter of a yeare fince, I was advertifed, that afwell his workes, as the whole body of that law compleat, (having no other employment in his facultie) hee was in hand to tourne into Englifh hexameters ; and if he might have had his will, whiles he was yet refident in Cambridge , it lhould have been feverely ena6ted throghout the Univerfitie, that none fhould fpeake or ordinarily converfe, but in that cue. For himfelfe, hee verie religioufly obferv’d it, never meeting anie do6lor or frend of his, but he would falute him, or give him the time of the day in it moft heroically, even as hee faluted a phifition of fpeciall account in thefe tearmes,

N ere can I meet you, fir, but7ieeds muft I veile my bonnet to.

Which he (loth to be behinde with him in curtefie) thus turnd upon him againe,

Nere can I meet you , fir, but needs muft I call ye knavetto.

Once hee had made an hexameter verfe of feaven feete, whereas it would lawfully beare but fixe ; which fault a pleafant gentleman having found him with, wrapt the faid verfe in a peece of paper, and fent a lowfe with it, inferting underneath, this verfe hath more feet than a lowfe. But to fo di6tionarie a cuftome it was grown with him, that after fupper if he chaunft to play at cards, and had but one queen- of harts light in his hand, he would, extempore , in that kinde

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of verfe, runne uppon mens hearts and womens hearts all the night long, as,

Stout heart and fweet hart, yet ftouteft hart to be ftooped.

No may-pole in the flreete,nowether-cocke on anie church fteeple, no garden, no arbour, no lawrell, no ewe tree, that he would overflip without haylfing after the fame methode. His braynes, his time, all hys maintenance and exhibition upon it he hath confumed, and never intermitted, till fuch time as he beganne to epiftle it againft mee, fince which I have kept him a work indifferently ; and that in the deadeft feafon that might be, hee lying in the ragingeft furie of the laft plague, when there dyde above 1600 a week in London, inck-fquittring and printing againft me at Wolfes in Powles Church-yard. Three quarters of a yere thus cloyftred and immured hee remained, not beeing able almoft to ftep out of dores, he was fo barricadoed up with graves, which befiedged and undermined his verie threfhold ; nor to open his window evening or morning, but a dampe (like the fmoake of a cannon) from the fat manured earth with contagion (being the buriall place of five parifhes) in thick rouling clowds would ftrugglingly funnell up, and with a full blaft puffe in at his cafements. Supply mee with a margent note, fome bodie that hath more idle leafure than I have at the poft haft hudling up of thefe prefents, as touching his fpirites yearning empafionment, and agonizd fiery third: of revenge, that negledled foule and bodies helth to compaffe it, the helth of his bodie in lying in the hell mouth of infection, and his foules health in minding any other matters than his foul ; nay, matters that were utter enemies to his foul (as his firft offring of wrong, and then

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profecuting of it), when his foule and bodie both, everie hower wer at the hazard poynt to be feperated. The argu- ment (to my great rejoycing and folace) from hence I have gathered, was, that my lynes were of more fmarting efficacie than I thought, and had that fteele and mettall in them, which pierft and ftung him to the quick, and drove him, upon the firft fearching of the wounds 1 had giv’n him, to fuch raving impatience, as he could reft no where, but through the poyfonfulleft jawes of death, and fire and water, he would burft to take vengeance, and not onely on the living but the dead alfo, (as what will not a dogge doo that is angerd, bite and gnarle at anie bone or ftone that is neere him) : but rather I deeme that from the harfh grating in his eares, and continuall crafhing.of fextens fpades againft dead mens bones (more difmall mufique to him than the voyce or ghofts hearfe), he came fo to be incenft and to inveigh againft the dead, therewith they exafperating, and fetting his teeth on edge, more than hee would. But let that reft, which would not let him reft : at Wolfes he is billetted, fweating, and dealing upon it moft intentively ; and for he would (as nere as was poffible) remove all whatfoever en- cumbrances, that might alienate, or withdraw, him from his ftudie, hee hath vow’d (during his abode there) not to have a denier in his purfe, or fee money, but let it run on the fcore, and goe to the divell if it will : he is refolute, and means to trouble himfelfe with none of this trafh : and yet it is a world to heare how malicious tongues will {launder a man with truth, and give out, how of one Mighell ' (fom- times Dexters man in Powles Churchyard, though now he dwells at Exccter) he fhould borrow ten fhillings to buy him fhooes and ftockings, and when it came to repayment,

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or that he was faine to borrow of another to fatisfie and paye him (as he will borrow fo much favor of him he nere faw before) no leffe than halfe a crowne out of that ten fhillings he forfwore, and rebated him for ufurie. Content your felf, it was a hard time with him ; let not Mighel and Gabi'iell (two angels) fall out for a trifle : thofe that be his frends will conflder of it and beare with him, even as Ben- jamin, the Founders father who dwels by Fleete-bridge, hath borne with him this foure yere for a groat which he owes him for plaifters ; and fo Trinitie Hall hath borne with him more than that, he being (as one that was fellow of the * fame houfe of his ftanding informd mee) never able to pay his commons, but from time to time borne out in almes amongft the reft of the Fellowes, how ever he tells fome of his frends he hath an out-brotherfhip, or beads mans ftipend, of ten fhillings a yeare there ftill comming to him, and a library worth 200 pound. John Wolfe fayes no- thing, and yet hee beares with him asrnuch as the beft ; and if hee had borne a little longer, he would have borne till his back broke, though Gabrieli lookes big upon it, and pro- tefts by no bugges, he owes him not a dandiprat, but that Wolfe is rather in his debt than hee in his, all reckonings juftly caft. In plaine truth and in verity, fome pleafures he did Wolfe in my knowledge. For firft and formoft he did for him that eloquent poft-fcript for the Plague Bills, where he talkes of the feries, the claffes and the premiffes, and prefenting them with an exadler methode hereafter, if it pleafe God the plague continue. By the ftyle I tooke it napping, and fmelt it to be a pig of his fits Minervarn, the fow his Mufe, as foone as ever I read it, and fince the printer hath confeft it to mee. The vermilion wrinckle de

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crinkleduni hop’d (belike) that the plague would proceed, that he might have an occupation of it. The fecond thing wherein he made Wolfe fo much beholding to him was, that if there were ever a paltrie Scrivano, betwixt a lawiers dark and a poet, or fmattring pert boy whofe buttocks were not yet coole fince he came from the grammer, or one that hovers betwixt two crutches of a fcoller and a traveller, when neither will helpe him to goe upright in the worlds opinion, and fhuld ftumble in there with a pamphlet to fell, let him or anie of them but have conjoynd with him in rayling againft mee, and feed his humor of vaine-glorie, were their ftuffe by ten millions more tramontane or tranfalpine barbarous than balletry, he would have prefb it upon Wolfe , whether he would or no, and giv’n it immor- tall allowance above Spencer. So did he by that Philiftine poem of P arthenophill and Parthenope , which to compare worfe than it felfe, it would plague all the wits of France , Spaine , or Italy. And when hee faw it would not fell, hee cald all the world affes a hundred times over, with the ftampingeft curling and tearing he could utter it, for that he having giv’n it his paffe, or good word, they obftinately contemnd and miflik’d it. So did he by Chutes Shores Wife , and his Procris and Cephalus , and a number of pam- phlagonian things more, that it would ruft and yron fpot paper to have but one Tillable of their names breathed over it. By thefe complots and carefull purveyance for him, Wolfe could not choofe but bee a huge gainer, a hundred marke at leaft, over the fhoulder : and which was a third advantage to hoyft or raife him, befides the Doctors meate and drinke, which God payd for, and it is not to be fpoken of, he fet him on the fcore for fack centum pro cente} a hun-

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dred quarts in a feven-night, whiles he was thus faracenly fentencing it againft mee. Towards the latter end, he grew weary of keeping him and fo manie affes (of his procuring) at livery, and would grumble and mutiny in his hearing of want of money. Tut, man ! mony, would he fay, is that your difeontent ? Plucke up your fpirites and bee merry, I cannot abide to heare anie man complaine for want of mo- ney. Twice or thrice hee had fet this magnificent face upon it ; and ever Wolfe lookd when hee would have terri- fide the table with a found knock of a purffe of angels, and fayd, There’s for thee, paye mee when thou art able ; but with him there was no fuch matter, for he put his hand in his pocket but to ferub his arme a little that itcht, and not to pluck out anie cafh, which with him is a ftranger fhape than ever Cacus fhrowded in his den, and would make him, if he fhould chop on anie fuch churlifh lumpe unawares, to admire and bleffe himfelfe, with

You must consider it was the dog daies, and he did it to coole him.

Quis novus his noftris fncceffit fedibus hofpes.

Jefu ! how comes this to paffe ? heere is fuch geere as I never faw ! So, bleffe himfelfe he could not, but beeing a little more roundly put to it, he was faine to confeffe, that he was a poore impecunious creature, and had not trafiiqut a great while for anie of thefe commodities of Santa Cruz , but as foone as ever his rents came up, which he expedted everie howre (though I could never heare of anie he had, more than his ten (hillings a yeare at Trinitie Hall, if he have that) he would moft munificently congratulate, cor- refpond, and fimpathize with him in all interchangable viciffitude of kindness ; and let not the current of time feeme too protradtive, extended, or breed anie difunion be-

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twixt them, for he would accelerate and feftinate his pro- craftinating minifters and commiffaries in the countrey, by letters as expedite as could bee. I give him his true dia- lect and right varnifh of elocution, not varying one I tittle from the high ftraine of his harmonious phrafe, wherein he puts downe Hermogenes with his Art of Rhetorique, and fo farre out-ftrips over-tunged Beldam Roome, or her fuper- delicate baftard daughter ceremonious diffembling Italy , as Europe puts down all the other parts of the world in popu- lous focieties and fertilenes. A gentleman, a frend of mine, that was no ftraunger to fuch bandyings as had paft be- twixt us, was defirous to fee how he lookt fince my ftrap- padoing and torturing him ; in which fpleene he went and enquird for him : anfwere was made he was but new rifen, and if it wold pleafe him to ftay, he would come down to him anon. Two howres good by the clocke he attended his pleafure, whiles he (as fome of his fellow-inmates have fince related unto mee) ftood acting by the glaffe, all his geftures he was to ufe all the day after, and currying and fmudging and pranking himfelfe unmeafurably. Poft varios cafus , his cafe of tooth-pikes, his combe cafe, his cafe of head-brufhes and beard-brufhes run over, et tot difcrimina rerum , rubbing cloathes of all kindes, downe he came, and after the bazelos manus, with amplifications and comple- ments hee belaboured him till his eares tingled, and his feet ak’d againe. Never was man fo furfetted and over- gorged with Englifh, as hee cloyd him with his generous fpirites, remuneration of gratuities, ftopping the pofternes of ingratitude, bearing the launder too fevere into his im- perfections, and traverfing the ample forreft of interlocu- tion. The gentleman fvvore to mee, that upon his firft

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apparition (till he difclofed himfelfe) he tooke him for an ufher of a dancing fchoole ; neither doth he greatly differ from it, for no usher of a dauncing fchoole was ever fuch a Bafjia Dona or Baffia de umbra de umbra des los pedes , a kiffer of the shadow of your feetes shadow, as he is. I have perufed vearfes of his, written under his owne hand to Sir Philip Sidney , wherein he courted him as he were another Cypariffns or Ganimede ; the laft Gordian true loves knot, or knitting up of them is this :

Sum jecur ex quo te primum Sydnee vidi ,

Os ocidofque regit , cogit amare jecur.

A ll liver am /, Sidney , fence I faw thee ;

My mouth eyes rules it , and to love doth draiv mee.

Not halfe a yeare fince, comming out of Lincolnfeiyre , it was my hap to take Cambridge in my waye, where I had not been in fixe yeare before, when by wonderfull deftenie, who (in the fame inne and very next chamber to mee, parted but by a wainfcot doore that was naild up, either unwitting of other) should be lodged but his Gabrielfeiip , that, in a manner, had liv’d as long a pilgrim from thence as I. Everie circumftance I cannot ftand to reckon up, as how wee came to take knowledge of one anothers being there, or what a ftomaclce I had to have fcratcht with him, but that the nature of the place hindred mee ; where it is as ill as pettie treafon, to look but awry on the facred perfon of a dodlour, and I had plotted my revenge otherwife ; as alfo of a meet- ing, or conference, on his part defired, wherein all quarrells might be difcuft and drawne to an attonement: but non vidt fac, I had ho fancy to it ; for once before I had bin fo

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coufend by his colloging, though perfonally we never met face to face, yet by trouch-men and vant-curriers betwixt us, nor could it fettle in my confcience to loofe fo much paines I had tooke in new arraying and furbufhing him, or that a publique wrong in print was to be fo fleightly flubberd over in private, with Come, come, give me your hand, let us bee frends, and thereupon I drinke to you. And a further doubt there was if I had tafted of his beife and porredge at Trinity Hal as he defired, ( notandum eft, for the whole fort- night together that he was in Cambridge his commons ran in the colledge detriments, as the greateft curtefie hee could doo the houfe, whereof he was, to eate up their meate and never pay anie thing) ; if I had (I fay) rufht in my felfe, and two or three hungrie fellowes more, and cryde, Doo you want anie gueftes ? What ! nothing but bare commons ? it had beene a queftion (confidering the good-will that is betwixt us) whether he wold have lent me a precious dram more than ordinarie, to helpe difgeftion : he may be fuch another craftie mortring druggeir, or Italian porredge fea- foner, for anie thing I ever faw in his complexion. That word complexion is dropt foorth in good time, for to de- fcribe to you his complexion, and compofition, entred I into this tale by the way, or tale I found in my way riding up to London. It is of an adult, fwarth, chollericke dye, like reftie bacon, or a dride fcate-fifh ; fo leane and fo meagre, that you wold thinke (like the Turks) he obferv’d 4 Lents in a yeare ; or take him for the gentlemans man in The Courtier, who was fo thin cheekd and gaunt and ftarv’d, that as he was blowing the fire with his mouth, the fmoke tooke him up, like a light ftrawe, and carried him to the top or funnell of the chimney, where he had flowne out God

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knowes whether, if there had not bin croffe barres over- whart that ftayde him : his fkin riddled and crumpled like a peice of burnt parchment ; and more channels and creafes he hath in his face, than there be fairie circles on Salsburie Plaine ; and wrinkles and frets of old age, than characters on Chrifts fepulcher in Mount Calvarie , on which everie one that comes fcrapes his name, and fets his marke, to fhewe that hee hath been there : fo that whofoever fhall behold him,

Effe putet Boreas, trifle fur cutis opus, will fweare on a booke I have brought him lowe, and fhrowdly broken him : which more to confirme, look on his head and you fhall finde a gray haire for everie line I have writ againft him ; and you fhall have all his beard white too, by that time hee hath read over this booke. For his ftature, he is fuch another pretie Jacke a Lent as boyes throw at in the ftreete, and lookes in his blacke fute of velvet, like one of thefe jeat droppes which divers weare at their eares in ftead of a jewell. A fmudge peice of a handfome fellow it hath beene in his dayes, but now he is olde and paft his beft, and fit for nothing but to be a noble mans porter, or a Knight of Windfor, cares have fo crazed him, and dif- graces to the verie bones confumed him ; amongft which hys miffing of the Univerfitie Oratorfhip, wherein do6tor Perne befteaded him, wrought not the lightlieft with him ; and if none of them were, his courfe of life is fuch as would make anie man looke ill on it, for he wil endure more hardnes than a camell, who in the burning fands will live foure dayes without water, and feeds on nothing but thiftes and worme- wood, and fuch lyke : no more doth he feed on anie thing, when he is at Saffron- Walden , but trotters, fheepes pork-

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nells, and butterd rootes ; and other-while in an hexameter meditation, or when hee is inventing a new part of Tully, or hatching fuch another paradoxe, as that of Nicholaus Copernictis was, who held, that the fun remains immoveable in the center of the world, and that the earth is moov’d about the funne, he would be fo rapt that hee would remaine three dayes and neither eate nor drinke, and within doores he will keepe feaven yeare together, and come not abroad fo much as to church. The like for feaven and thirtie weekes fpace together he did, while he lay at Wolfes coppying againft mee, never ftirring out of dores or being churched all that while ; but like thofe in the Weft countrey, that after the Paulin hath cald them, or they have feene a fpirit, keep themfelves darke 24 howres : fo after I had plaid the fpirit in hanting him in my 4 Letters Confuted, he could by no means endure the light, nor durft venter himfelf abroad in the open aire for many months after, for feare he fhould be frefh blafted by all mens fcorne and derifion. My in- ftrudtions of him are fo over-flowing and numberleffe, that except I abridge them, my book will grow fuch a bouncer, that thofe which buy it mult bee faine to hire a porter to carry it after them in a bafket. For brevitie fake I omit twentie things, as the conflict betwixt my hofteffe of the dolphin in Cambridge, and him at my beeing there, about his lying in her houfe a fortnight, and keeping one of the belt chambers, yet never offring to fpend a penie ; the hackney-mens of Saffron- Waldens purfuing him for their horfes, he hiring them but for three dayes and keeping them fifteene, and telling him very flatly, when he went about to excufe it, that they could not fpare them from their cart fo long, they being cart horfes which they fet him on. The defcription

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of that poore John a Droynes his man, whom he had hyred for that journey, a great big boand threfher, put in a blue coate too fhort wafted for him, and a fute made of the inner linings of a fute turnd outward, being white canvas pinkt upon cotton ; his intolerable boafting at Wolfes to fuch as wold hold him chat, and he could draw to talk with him, that he thought no man in England had more learning than himfelfe ; hys threatning anie noble-man whatfoever, that durft take my part, and vowing he would do this and that to him if he fhould ; his incenfing my L. Mayor againft me that then was, by directing unto him a perfwafive pamphlet to perfecute mee, and not to let flip the advantage hee had againft mee, and reporting certaine words I fhuld fpeake againft him that Chriftmas at a taverne in London , when I was in the He of Wight then and a great while after ; his inciting the preacher at Ponies Croffe , that lay at the fame houfe in Wood-flreete which hee did, to preach manifeftly againft M after Lilly and mee, with, Woe to the printer , 7 voe to the feller , woe to the buyer , woe to the author ! But in none of thefe will I infift, which are remnants in comparifon of the whole peice I have to fhew ; only I will have a short tutch at Wolfes and his parting, and fo make an end of an old fong, and bid god night to this hiftorie.

Pierfes Supererogation printed, the charge whereof the Do6tor had promift to defray and be countable to Wolfe for, amounting (with his diet) to 36 poundes, from Sajfron- walden no argent would be heard of ; wherefore, downe he muft go amongft his tenaunts, as he pretended (which are no other than a company of beggers, that lye in an out barne of his mothers fometimes) and fetch up the grand fummes, or legem pone. To accomplifh this, Wolfe procur’d

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him horfes and money tor his expences, lent him one of his prentifes (for a ferving creature) to grace him, clapping an olde blue coate on his backe, which was one of my Lord of Harfords ' liveries (he pulling the badge off) and fo away they went. Saint Chriftopher be their fpeed, and fend them well backe againe ! but fo prayes not our Domi- nico Civilian, for he had no fuch determination ; but as foone as ever he had left London behinde him, he infinu- ated with this Juventus , to run away from his matter, and take him for his good lord and fupporter. The page was eafily mellowd with his attradlive eloquence, as what heart of adamant, or enclofed in a crocodyles fkin (which no yron will pierce) that hath the power to withftand the Mercurian heavenly charme of hys rhetorique ? With him he ftayes halfe a yere, rubbing his toes, and following him, with his fprinkling glaffe and his boxe of kiffing comfets, from place to place, whiles his matter, fretting and chafing to be thus colted of both of them, is readie to fend out proceffe for the Do6tor, and get his novice cride in everie market towne in Effex : but they prevented him, for the impe or Tripling, being almott ttarv’d in this time of his beeing with him, gave him warning he would no longer ferve him, but wold home to his matter what ever fhift he made. Gabrieli thought it not amiffe to take him at his word, becaufe his clothes were all greafie and worne out, and hee is never wont to keepe anie man longer than the fute lafteth he brings with him, and then turne him to graffe and get one in newe trappings ; and ever picke quarrells with him before the yeares end, becaufe hee would be fure to pay him no wages : yet in his provident forecaft, he concluded it better policie for him to fend him backe to his mafter,

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than he fhould goe of his owne accord ; and whereas he was to make a journey to London within a weeke or fuch a matter, to have his blue coate (being deftitute of ever an- other trencher-carrier) credit him up, though it were thrid bare. So confidered, and fo done, at an Inne at IJlington hee alights, and there keepes him aloofe, London being too hot for him. His retinue (or attendaunt), with a whole cloke-bag full of commendations to his mailer, he difmiffeth, and in ftead of the 36 pounds hee ought him, wild him to certifie him, that verie fhortly hee would fend him a couple of hennes to throve with. Wolfe , receiving this meffage, and holding himfelfe palpablye flouted therein, went and feed baylies, and gets one Scarlet (a frend of his) to goe and draw him foorth, and hold him with a tale whiles they might fteale on him and arreft him. The watch-word giv’n them when they fhould feaze upon him, was Wolfe (/ mnft needes fay ) hath ufde you verie grofely : and to the intent he might fufpedl nothing by Scarlets comming, there was a kind letter fram’d in Wolfes name, with To the right wor- fhipfull of the Lazvesy in a great text hand, for a fuperfcrip- tion on the out-flde ; and underneath at the bottome, Your worfhips ever to commaund , and preft to doo you fervice , John Wolfe: The contents of it were about the talking with his lawier, and the eager proceeding of his After in law againft him. This letter deliverd and read, and Scarlet and he (after the tailing of a cup of dead beere, that had flood pawling by him in a pot three dayes) defcending into fome conference, he began to finde himfelfe ill apaid with Wolfes encroaching upon him, and afking him money for the printing of his booke, and his diet, whiles he was clofe pri- foner, attending and toyling about it, and obje6ling how

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other men of leffe defert wer liberally recompenft for their paines, whereas he (whofe worth over-balaunft the proudeft) muft be conftrained to hire men to make themfelves rich. I appeale to you (quoth hee) whether ever anie mans workes fold like mine ? I, even from a childe, good mafter Dodtor, replide Scarletf and made a mouth at him over his fhoulder ; fo foothing him on forward till the baylies cue came of Wolfes abusing him verie grofely , which they not failing to take at the firft rebound, ftept into the roome boldly (as they were two well bumbafted fwaggering fat bellies, having faces as broad as the backe of a chimney, and as big as a towne bag-pudding) and clapping the Dodtor with a lufty blow on the fhoulder that made his legs bow under him, and his guts cry quag againe, By your leave, they faid unto him (in a thundring yeoman ufhers diapafon ) in Gods name and the Queenes wee doo arreft you. Without more paufe away they hurried him, and made him beleeve they wold carry him into the citie, where his creditor was ; when comming under Newgate , they told him they had occafion to goe fpeake with one there; and fo thruft him in before them for good manners fake, becaufe he was a Dodtour, and their better, bidding the keeper, as foone as ever he was in, to take charge of him. Some lofty tragicall poet helpe mee, that is dayly converfant in the fierce encounters of Raw-head and Bloody-bones, and whofe pen, like the plowes in Spayne that often ftumble on golde vaines, ftill fplits and ftumpes itfelfe againft olde yron and raking ore, battred armour and broken trun- cheons, to recount and expreffe the more than Hercu- lean fury he was in, when hee fawe hee was fo nota- bly betray d, and bought and folde. Hee fumde, he ftampt,

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he buffeted himfelfe about the face, beat his head againft the walls, and was ready to byte the flesh off his armes, if they had not hindred him. Out of doores he would have gone (as I cannot blame him) or hee fwore hee would teare downe the walls and fet the houfe on fire, if they refifted him : Whither, quoth he, you villaines, have you brought mee ? To Newgate, good Mafter Do6lour, with a lowe legge they made anfwer. I knowe not where I am. In Newgate, agayne replyed they, good Mafter Do6tour. Into fome blinde corner you have drawne me to be murdred : to no place (replyed they the third time) but to Newgate, good Mafter Do<5lour. Murder ! murder ! (he cryed out) : fome body breake in, or they will murder mee ! No murder, but an a6tion of debt, fayd they, good Mafter Do6lour. O you prophane plebeyans ! exclaymed hee, I will maffacre, I will crucifie you for prefuming to lay hands thus on my reverent perfon. All this would not ferve him, no more than Hackets counterfet madneffe woulde keepe him from the gallowes, but up he was had and fhewed his lodging where hee Ihould lye by it, and willed to deliver up his weapon. That wrung him on the withers worfe than all the reft. What ! my armes, my defence, my weapon, my dagger ? quoth hee: my life then, I fee, is confpired againft, when you feek to bereave me of the inftruments that fhould fecure it. They ratled him up foundly, and told him if he would be conformable to the order of the prifon fo it was, otherwife hee fhould bee forc’t : force him no forces, no fuch mechani- call drudges should have the honor of his artillery ; marry, if fome worthy majeftrate came, as their mafter or miftreffe, it might be uppon good conditions, for his lifes fafetie and prefervation hee woulde furrender. The miftreffe of the

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houfe (her husband beeing abfent) understanding of his folly, came up to him, and went about to perfwade him. At her fight Somewhat calm’d hee was, as it is a true amorous knight, and hath no power to deny any thing to ladies and gentlewomen, and he told her if she would command her Servants forth (whom hee fcornd should have theyr eyes fo much illuminated as to beholde any martiall engin of his) hee would, in all humility, difpoyle himfelfe of it. Shee fo farre yeelded to him ; when, as foone as they were out, he runs and fwaps the doore to, and drawes his dagger upon her with, O, I will kill thee ! what could I doo to thee nowe? And fo extreamely terrified her, that fhee fcritcht out to her Servants, who burft in in heapes, as thinking he would have ravifht her. Never was our Tapthartharath (though hee hath run through manie briers) in the like ruthfull pickle hee was then, for to the bolts he muft, amongft theeves and rogues, and taft of the widdowes almes for drawing his dagger in a prifon : from which there was no deliverance, if bafely hee had not falne uppon his knees, and afkt hir for- givenes. Dinner being readie, he was cald downe, and there beeing a better man than hee prefent, who was plac’d at the upper end of the boord, for very fpite that hee might not fit higheft, he Straight flung to his chamber againe, and vowd by heaven and earth and all the flefli on his backe, he would famifh himfelfe, before he would eate a bit of meate as long as hee was in Newgate. How inviolably hee kept it, I will not conceale from you. About two howres after, when he felt his craw emptie, and his ftomacke began to wamble, hee writ a Supplication to his hofteffe, that he might fpeak with her ; to whome (at her approaching) hee recited what a rafh vow he had made, and what a commotion

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there was in his entrayles, or pudding-houfe, for want of food ; wherefore if fhe would fteale to him a byt fecretly, and let there be no words of it, hee would, I marry would hee (when hee was releaft) perfourme mountaines. She (in pittie of him) feeing him a brain-fickebedlam,and an innocent that had no fenfe to governe himfelfe, being loth he fhould be damnd and go to hell for a meales meate, having vowd, and through famine readie to breake it, got her husband to go forth with him out of dores, to fome cookes fhop at Pye- corner there-abouts, or (as others will have it) to the tap- houfe under the prifon ; where having eaten fufficient his hungrie bodie to fuftaine, the divell a fcute had he to pay the reckoning, but the keepers credite muft goe for it. How he got out of this Caftle Dolorus, if anie be with childe to know, let them enquire of the minifter then ferving at Saint Albanes in W ood-ftreet, who in Chriftian charitie, onely for the names fake (not being acquainted with him before) en- terd bond for him to anfwere it at law, and fatisfied the houfe for his lodging and mangerie. But being reftored to the open aire, the cafe with him was little altred ; for no roofe had he to hide his noddle in, or whither he might go to fet up his reft, but in the ftreets under a bulk he fhould have been conftraind to have kenneld, and chalkt out his cabbin, if the faid minifter had not the fecond time flood his friend, and preferd him to a chamber at one Rolfes , a ferjeants in Wood-ftreetc : whom (as I take it) he alfo pro- cured to be equally bound with him for his new coufens apparance to the law ; which he never did, but left both of them in the lurtch for him ; and running in debt with Rolfe befide for houfe-roome and diet, one day when he was from home, he clofely convaid away his truncke foorth of doores,

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and fhewde him a fayre paire of heeles. At Sajfron-zvalden (for the moft part) from that his flight to this prefent hath hee mewd and coopt up himfelfe inviflble, being counted for dead and no tidings of him, till I came in the winde of him at Cambridge. And fo I winde up his thrid of life, which, I feare, I have drawne out too large, although in three quarters of it (of purpofe to curtail it) I have left defcant, and tafkt me to plaine fong : whereof that it is anie other than plaine truth let no man diftruft, it being by good men and true (word for word as I let it fly amongft you) to mee in the feare of God uttred, all yet alive to confirme it. Wherefore fettle your faith immoveably, and now you have heard his life, judge of his dodlrine accordingly.

Carnead. His life and doctrine may both be to us an en- f ample, for fince the raigne of Queen Gueniver was there never feene worfe.

Import. Yet for all he is fuch a vaine Bafllifco, and Cap- taine Crack-ftone, in all his actions and converfation, and fwarmeth in vile canniball words, there is fome good matter in his booke againft thee.

Refpond. We will trie that matter immediately ; for my minde ever giving mee, that wee fhould have you, and fuch like humorifts of your faction, runne from one matter to another, and from the matter to the manner, and from the manner to the forme, and from the forme to the caufe, and from the caufe to the effedl, I provided to match you at all weapons. And here, next his life, I have drawen an abridge- ment, or inventorie, of all the materiall tractates and con- tents of hys booke.

Import. Then thou haft done well ; for it is it that I all this while lookt for. I pray thee, let me read it my felfe.

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A SUMMARIE, OR BREIFE ANALYSIS, OF SUCH MATTERS AS ARE HANDLED IN THE DOCTORS BOOKE.

Inprimis , one epiftle, of a fheete and more of paper, to his gentle and liberall frends, M after Bar nab e Barnes, M after John Thor ins, M after Anthonie Chute , and everie favourable reader.

Carnead. O ho ! thofe whom hee calls the three orient wits. Mine eyes are partly acceffarie unto it. It is to thanke them for their ciirteous letters and commendatorie fonnets , writ to him from a farre , as namely , out of the hall into the kitchin at Wolfes, where altogether at one time they lodged and boorded : with a great manie maidenly excufes of, Tis more of your genilenes than my deferving , and I cannot, without blufhing, repeate, and without Jhame remember. Then he come[s\ upon thee with, Tie, Tie, Tie.

Refpond. What (hould I fay, I will and commaund, like a Prince ? hee might as well write againft Poules for having three iles in it.

Carnead. Hee calls thee the greene popinjay, and faies thou art thine owne idoll.

Refpond. Let him either ihew how or wherein, or I will not beleeve him ; and my negative (in any ground in Eng- land) is as good as his affirmative.

Carnead. And fo proceeds with complement and a little more complement, and a crujl of quippes, and a little more complement after that ; then he falls in exhorting thofe his three patrons to goe forward in maturitie, as they have begun in pregnancie ; whofe Parthenophils and Parthenopes embel- lifhcd, and Shores Wife eternized , Jhall everlajlingly tejlifie what they are.

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Refpond. And fo have I teftifide for them what they are, which will laft time enough.

Carnead. Hee bids Barnabe of the Barnes, bee the gallant poet like Spencer, or the valiant fouldiour like Bafkervile ; and ever remember his French fervice under fuch a generall.

Refpond. What his foldiourship is I cannot judge, but if you have ever a chaine for him to runne awaye with, as hee did with a noble-mans ftewards chayne at his Lords enftall- ing at Windfore; or if you would have anie rymes to the tune of Jlink-a-piffe , hee is for you ; in one place of his Parthenophill and Parthenope, wifhing no other thing of Heaven, but that hee might bee transformed to the wine his miftres drinks, and fo paffe thorough her.

Bentiv. Therein he was verie ill advifde ; for fo the next time his miftres made water , he was in danger to be caft out of her favoicr.

Refpond. Of late he hath fet foorth another booke, which hee entitles no leffe than A devine Centurie of Sonets, and prefixeth for his pofie,

Altera Mufa venit , quid ni fit et alter Apollo ?

As much to fay, as why may not my mufe bee as great an Apollo , or god of poetrie, as the proudeft of them ? but it comes as farre fhort, as Paris Garden cut of the height of a cammed, or a cocke-boate of a Carricke ; fuch another device it is as the godly ballet of John Careleffe , or the fong of Greene Sleeves moralized.

Carnead. For his cavalier flip, fince thou art not inftrudled in it, let mee tell thee, it is lewder by nine fcore times than his poetry, fince his doughtie fervice in France five y cares agoe, I not forgetting him : where , having follozvd the campc for a

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weeke or two, and feeing there was no care had of keeping the Qneenes peace, but a man might have his braines knockt out, and no juftice or cunj table neere hand to fend foorth precepts , and make hiee and crie after the murdrers ; without farther tarrying or confutation, to the Generali he went, and told him he did not like of this quarrelling kinde of life; and com- mon occupation of murdring, wherein ( without anie jurie or triall, or giving them fo much leave as to faye their praiers ) men were run thorough, and had their throats cut, both againft Gods lawes, her majeflies lawes, and the lawes of all nations : wherefore hee defin'd licenfe to depart, for hee ftood everie howre in feare and dread of his perfon, and it was alwaies his praier, From fuddain death, good Lord, deliver us. Upon this motion there were divers warlike knights and principall captaines, who, rather than they would bee bereav' d of his pleafant companie, off red to picke out a firong guard amongft them, for the fafe engarifoning and better fhielding him from perrill. Two ftept foorth and prefented them] 'elves as mufkettiers before him, a third and fourth as targettiers behinde him , a fifth and Jixt vowd to trie it out at the pufh of the pike before the malicious foe fhould invade him . But home hee would ; nothing could ftay him, to finifh Partheno- pliil and Parthenope, and write in praife of Gabrieli Harvey.

Confil. Hee was wife, hee lov'd no blowes. But what faid the dodlor to his other two copefmates ?

Carnead. Why, thus: Be thou, John, the many tungd linguift, like Andrewes, or the curious intelligencer, like Bod- ley ; and never forget thy N ' ether landifh train e under him, that taught the prince of Navarre, now the valorous king of France.

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Ref pond. Of this John Thorius more fparingly I wil fpeake, becaufe hee hath made his peace with mee, and there bee in him fundrie good parts of the tungs and other- wife, though thirtie parts comming behinde and limping after Dodtor Androwes : who (if it bee no offence fo to compare him) is tanquam Paulus in cathedra , powerfull preaching like Paid out of his chaire ; and his church an- other Pantheon , or templum omnium deorum , the abfoluteft oracle of all found devinitie heere amongft us ; hee, mixing the two feverall properties of an orator and a poet both in one, which is not onely to perfwade, but to win admiration. Thorius , being of that modeftie and honeftie I afcribe to him, cannot but bee irkfomly afhamed, to bee refembled fo hyperborically, and no leffe agreev’d than matter Bodley (a gentleman in our common-wealth of fingular defertive reckoning and induftrie, beeing at this prefent her majefties agent in the Low Countries) ought he to bee at the hellifh detefted Judas name of an intelligencer, which the dodtor in the waye of friendfhip hath throwne upon him. Matter Bodley calls him rafcall and villaine for his labour, and be- fore his going over was mad to know where he might hunt him out to bee revengd : which both hee and Thorius have reafon for, fince but to be covertly fufpedted for an intelli- gencer, (much more to be publikely regittred in print for fuch a flearing falfe brother or ambodexter) is to make eyther of them worfe pointed and wondered at than a cuckold or wittall, and fet them up as common marks for everie jackanapes prentife to kicke, fpit, or throw durt at. To bee an intelligencer is to have oathes at will, and thinke God nere regards them ; to frame his religion and alleage- ance to his prince, according to everie companie he comes

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in : a Jew he is, that but for the fpoile loves no man; a curre that flatters and fawns upon everie one, low crowching by the ground like a tumbler, till hee may fpie an advantage, -and pluck out his throate; an ingratefull flave, that there fpendeth the bittereft of his venom e, where hee hath received moft benefites ; a hang-man, that difpatcheth all that come under his hands ; a drunken ferjeant, or fumner, that could not live, if (like the divell) hee did not, from time to time, enquire after the flnnes of the people ; a neceffarie member in a ftate to bee ufde to cut off unneceffarie members. Such fame hath he preferd Matter Bodley too, and wifheth Thorius to emulate. By his Netherlandifh trayne under him, that taught the prince of Navarre , now the valorous king of France, is not to bee gathered that hee was fchoole- fellow to the king of France , as he would faine put the world in a fooles paradice, becaufe hee hath fonnetted it in hys praife, but that hee was dodlor Coranus fonne, of Ox- ford\ who was tutor to the faid king, as well he might bee, and that no argument his fonne fliould be fo well improov’d as he is.

Carnead. The lajl of them is Chute, to wkome hee thus dilateth: Be thou Anthonie the flowing oratour, like Dove , and the fkilfull herald, like Clarencius ; and ever remember thy Portngall voyage under Don Anthonio.

Refpond. Chute ! is hee fuch a high clearke in hys bookes ? I knew when hee was but a low clarke, and car- ried an atturnies bookes after him. But this I will fay for him, though hee bee dead and rotten, and by his obfequies hath prevented the vengeaunce I meant to have executed upon him, of a youth that could not underftand a word of Latine, hee lov’d lycoras, and drunke poffet curd, the beffc

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that ever put cuppe to mouth : and for his oratorfhip, it was fuch, that I have feene him non plus in giving the charge at the creating of a new knight of tobacco ; though, to make amends fince, he hath kneaded and daub’d up a commedie, called The Transformation of the King of Tri- nidadoes two Daughters, Madame Panachea and the Nymphe Tobacco : and to approve his heraldrie, fcutchend out the honorable armes of the fmoakie focietie. His voi- age under Don Anthonio was nothing fo great credit to him, as a French varlet of the chamber is ; nor did he fol- low Anthonio neither, but was a captaines boye that fcornd writing and reading, and helpt him to fet downe his ac- counts, and fcore up dead payes. But this was our Gra- phiel Hagiels tricke of Wily Beguily herein, that whereas he could get no man of worth to crie Placet to his workes, or meeter it in his commendation, thofe worthleffe whip- pets and Jack Strawes hee could get, hee would feeme to enable and compare with the higheft. Hereby hee thought to connycatch the fimple world, and make them beleeve, that thefe and thefe great men, everie waye futable to Syr Thomas Bajkervile , M after Bodley, Do6lor Andrewes, Doc- tor Dove , Clarencius and Mafter Spencer , had feperately contended to outftrip Pindarus in his Olympicis , and fty aloft to the higheft pitch, to fhellifie him above the cloudes, and make him lhine next to Mercury. Here fome little digreffion I muft borrow, to revenge his bafe allufion of Sir Thomas Bajkervile, even as I have done of Do6tor An- drewes; neither of them being men that ever faluted mee, or I reft bound unto in anie thing, otherwife than by Do6tor Andrewes own defert, and Mafter Lillies immoderate com- mending him, by little and little I was drawne on to be an

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auditor of his : fince when, whenfoever I heard him, I thought it was but hard and fcant allowance that was giv’n him, in comparifon of the incomparable gifts that were in him. For Sir Thomas Bafkervile, France , England , the Low Countries , and India , acknowledged him ; and though it was never my hap, but once in a young knights chamber in the Strand (none of my coldeft well-wifhers) to light in his companie, yet for Syr Roger Williams teftimonie of him (a noble gentleman that a yeare and a halfe before his death, I was exceffively beholding too, and on whom I have vowd, when my bufines are a little overcome, to beftow a memoriall epitaph, fuch as Plato would in no more but foure verfes to bee fet upon the graves of the dead) downe his throate I will thruft this turn-broach comparifon of a chicken and a chrifome with one of the moft tryed fouldi- ours of Chriftendome. Do6torZW*?and Clarencius I turne loofe to bee their owne arbitratours and advocates ; the one being eloquent inough to defend himfelfe, and the other a vice roy and next heyre apparant to the king of heralds, able to emblazon him in his right colours, if hee finde hee hath fuftained any Ioffe by him : as alfo, in like fort, Mafter Spencer , whom I do not thruft in the loweft place, be- caufe I make the loweft valuation of, but as wee ufe to fet the fumml tot ’ alway underneath, or at the bottome, he being the fuid tot ’ of whatfoever can be faid of fharpe invention and fchollerfhip.

Confil. Of the Doctor it may be faid, as Ovid fayth of the fcritch owle ,

Aliifque (dolens) fit caufa dolendi.

Hee cannot bee content to bee inferable himfelfe , but hee muft

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draw others to mif carrie with him. And as Plato had his beft beloved boy Agatho, Socrates his Alcibiades, Virgill his Alexis, fo hath hee his Barnabe and Anthony for his mi- nions and Jweet-harts : though therein I muft needes tell him (as Fabritius the Romane confull writ to Pirrhus when hee fent him back his phijition that ojfred to poyfon hini) hee hath made as ill choyce of f rends as of enemies ; fe eking, like the panther , to cure himfelfe with mans dung , and with the verie excrements of the rubbifheft wits that are , to ref tore himfelfe to his bloud , and repaire his credit and eftimation.

Bentiv. If his patrons bee fuch Peter Pingles and Moun- dragons, hee cannot chufe but bee fixtie times a more poore Slavonian arfe-worme.

Refpond. Tender itchie brainde infants ! they car’d not what they did, fo they might come in print ; and of that ftraine are a number of mufhrumpes more, who pefter the world with pamphlets before they have heard of Terence Pamphilus , and can conftrue and pearfe Proh dii immor- tales ; being like thofe barbarous people in the hot countries, who, when they have bread to make, doo no more but clap the dowe upon a poaft on the out-fide of their houfes, and there leave it to the funne to bake : fo their indigefted con- ceipts (farre rawer than anie dowe) at all adventures upon the poaftes they clap, pluck them off who’s will ; and if (like the funne) anie man of judgement (though in fcorne) do but looke upon them, they thinke they have ftrooke it dead, and made as good a batch of poetrie as may be. Neither of thefe princockeffes (Barnes or Chute) once caft up their nofes towards Powles Church-yard , or fo much as knew how to knock at a printing houfe dore, till they conforted them- felves with Harvey , who infedled them within one fortnight

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with his owne fpirit of bragganifme ; which after fo increafed and multiplied in them, as no man was able to endure them. The firft of them (which is Barnes ), prefently uppon it, becaufe hee would bee noted, getting him a ftrange payre of Babilonian britches, with a codpiffe as big as a Bolognian fawcedge, and fo went up and downe towne, and fhewd himfelf in the prefence at Court, where he was generally laught out by the noble-men and ladies : and the other (which is Chute) becaufe Harvey had praifed him for his oratorship and heraldry, to approve himfelfe no leffe than hee had giv’n his word for him, fets his mouth of a new key, and would come foorth with fuch Kenimnawo compt me- taphors and phrafes, that Edge was but a botcher to him ; and to emblazon his heraldrie, he painted himfelf like a curtizan, which no ftationers boy in Poules Church-yard but difcoverd and pointed at. One of the beft articles againft Barnes I have overflipt, which is, that he is in print for a braggart in that univerfall applauded Latine poem of mafter Campions ; where, in an epigram entituled In Bar- num , beginning thus,

Mortales decern tela inter Gallica ccefos,

he shewes how he bragd, when he was in France , he flue ten men, when (fearfull cowbaby) he never heard peice shot off but hee fell flat on his face. To this effe<5t it is, though the words fomwhat varie.

Carnead. Alloune, alloune ! Ictus march; and from armes and Jkirmishing, caft thy felfein the armes of a fweete gentle- woman, that here , at the end of the epiftle, ftands readie to embrace thee. Gabrieli calls her the excellent gentlewoman, his patroneffe , or rather championeffe , in this quarrell , meeter

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by nature, and fitter by nurture, to bee an inchaunting angell with a white quill, than a tormenting furie with her blacke incke.

Refpond. What ! is he like a tinker, that never travailes without his wench and his dogge ? or like a Germane , that never goes to the warres without his Tannakin and her cocke on her fhoulder ? That gentlewoman (if die come under my fifts) I will make a gentle-woman, as Do6lor Perne faid of his mans wife,

T unc plena voluptas ,

Cum par iter vidti foemina vir que jacent.

Then it is fport worth the feeing, when he and his woman lye crouching for mercie under my feete. I will beftow more coft in belabouring her, becaufe, throughout the whole pawnch of his booke, hee is as infinite in commending her, as Saint Jerome in praife of Virginitie ; and oftener men- tions her, than Virgill and Theocritus Amarillis. In one place he calls her the one Jhee , in another the credible gentle- woman , in a third the heavenly plant, in the fourth a new ftarrc in Cafjiopeia , in the fifth the heavenly creature, in the fixth a lion in the field of Minerva, in the feventh a right bird of Mercuries winged chariot, with a hundred fuch like : he faith, Jhee hath read Homer, Virgill, the divine architipes of Hebrue, Greeke, and Romane valour, Plutarch, Polien, Agrippa, Tyraquell.

Bentiv. I have found him ; I have the tract of him : hee thinkes in his owne perfon if hee fhould raile gr of ely, it will bee a dij credit to him, and therefore hereafter hee would thrift foorth all his writings under the name of a gentlewoman ; who, hozvfoever Jhee fcolds and playes the vixen never fo, wilbe

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borne with : and to prevent that he be not defcride by his alleadging of authors ( which it will hardly bee thought can proceed from a womaii) hee cafls forth this Item, that fhe hath read thefe and thefe books, and is well feene in all lan- guages.

Confil. Shall we have a hare of him then ? a male one yeare, and a female another ; or, as Pliny holds there is male and female of all things tinder heaven, and not fo much but as of trees and precious Jloanes, fo cannot there be a male conf utcr, but there mujl be a female conf liter too ; a Simon Magus, but hee mujl have his whoore Silenes ; an Ariftotle that facrificed to his harlot Hermia, but euerie Silius Poeta mujl imitate him ? Doth he, when his owne wits faile , crie Da Venus confilium ! Holy Saint Venus infpire mee ! But as Bentivole hath wel put in. Pars minima eft ipfa puella fui. I beleeve it is but a meere coppy of his countenaunce, and onely hee does it to breed an opinion in the world, that he is fuch a great man in ladies and gentlewomens bookes, that they are readie to run out of their wits for him ; as in the Turkes Alchoron it is written , that 250 ladies hanged ihem- J elves for the love of Mahomet, and that, like another Numa Pompilius, he doth nothing without his nymph Egeria.

Imp. Nay, zy Jupiter joynd with the Moone, Harvey {and his gentlewoman) confpire again fl thee, and that , like another Meffier Gallan, the hangman of Antwerp, he hath a whole burdeil under his governement, it cannot chufe but goe hard with thee. She vuill fay, as the Italian lady did, Kill my children as long as thou wilt, here is the mould to make more.

Confil. We read that Semiramis was in love with a horfe , but for a gentlewoman to bee in love with an a ffe is fuch a tricke as never was.

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Refpond. It would doo you good to heare how he gallops on in commending her: hee fayes fhee envies none, but art in perfon and vertue incorporate ; and that fhe is a Sappho , a Penelope , a Minerva , an Arachne , a Juno , yeelding to all that ufe her and hers well ; that fhe Hands upon mafeuline and not feminine termes ; and her hoateft furie may be re- fembled to the paffing of a brave careere by a Pegafus; and wifheth hartily that he could difpofe of her recreations.

Carnead. Call for a beadle and have him away to Bride- well, for in every fillable he commits letchery.

Refp. He threats fhee will ftrip my wit into his fhirt, were that fayre body of the fweeteft Venus in print ; and that it will then appeare, as in a cleare urinall, whofe wit hath the greene ficknes.

Bent. If fhe ftrip thee to thy fhirt , if I were as thee, I zvold ftrip her to her fmocke.

Carnead. That were to put that fay reft body of Venus in print, indeede, with a witnes ; and then fhee never need to have her water caft in an urinall for the greene ficknes.

Refpond. She may be queene Didoes peere for honeftie, for anie dealings I ever yet had with her ; but anie gentle- womans name put in his mouth, it is of more force to dif- credite it than Licophrons penne was to diferedite Penelope, who, notwithftanding Homers praifes of her, faith fhee lay with all her wooers.

Confil. Whether fhee bee honeft or no, he hath done enough to make her difhoneft ; fince as Ovid writes to a Leno, Vendibilis culpa fabta puella fua eft, he hath fet her commonly to falein Poules Church-yard.

Import. Let us on with our index or catalogue, and defcant no more of her, fince I am of the minde that, for all the

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/tonnes and tempefts Harvey from her denounceth, there is no fuch woman ; but tis onely a fiction of his , like Menanders fable or comedie, cald Theffala, of women that coidd pluck back the moone when they lifted; or Ennius invention of Dido, who, writing of the deedes of Scipio, fir ft gave life to that legend. The Epifle Dedicatorie paft , the gentlewomans de- murre, or prologue , ftaggers next after , the fir ft line whereof is ftolne out of the ballet of Anne Afkew ; for as that begins ,

I am a woman poore and blinde, fo begins this,

O Mufes, may a woman poore and blinde, and goes on,

Ift poffible for puling wench to tame

The furibundall champion of fame ?

Bids thee hazard not panting quill thy afpen felfe, calls thee bombard-goblin, and moft railipotent for everie raine ; then followeth fhee with a counter fonnet, or correction of her owne preamble, where there is nothing but braggardous affronts, white liverd trouts, where doth the uranie or furie ring, pulcrow implements, Daniers fcar-crow preffe ; and endes with , Ultrix accindta flagello.

Refpond. Yea, Madam Gabriela, are you fuch an old jerker ? then, hey ding a ding, up with your petticoate, have at your plum-tree ! But the ftyle bewraies it, that no other is this goodwife Megara but Gabriel himfelf ; fo doth the counter-fonnet and the corredlion of preambles, which is his methode as right as a fiddle. I will never open my lips to confute anye rag of it, it confuting it felfe fufhciently in the verie rehearfall. And fo doth that which is annexed

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to it, of her olde comedie new intituled, where fhe faith her profe is as refolute as Bevis /word, calls mee rampant beaft in formidable hide , with I wot not what other Getulian flab- beries ; fcarre-bugges mee with a comedie which lhee hath fcrawld and fcribeld up againft mee. But wee (hall lenvoy him, and trumpe and poope him well enough if the winde come in that doore, and he will needes fall a comedizing it. Comedie upon comedie he fhall have ; a morall, a hiftorie, a tragedie, or what hee will. One fhal bee called the Doctors dumpe ; another, Harvey and his excellent Gentlewoman , Madame Whipfidoxy ; a third, the Triumphes of Saffron- walden , with the merrie conceipts of Wee three ; or, the three Brothers ; a fourth, Stoope Gallant , or the Fall of Pride; the fifth and laft, a pleafant Enterlude of No Foole to the Old Foole , with a jigge at the latter ende in Englifh hex- ameters of, O Neighbour Gabrieli ! and, his wooing of Kate Cotton. More than half of one of thefe I have done alreadie, and in Candlemas Tearme you fhal fee it adled ; though better a£ted than hee hath been at Cambridge hee can never bee, where upon everie ftage hee hath beene brought for a ficophant and a fow-gelder.

Bent. Wilt thou have nere a plucke at him for Danters fcar-crow preffe, and fo abufing thy printer ?

Refp. In pudding time you have fpoken : my printer, who ever, lhall fuftain no damage by me ; and where hee tearm- eth his preffe a fcar-crow preffe , he shall find it will fcare and crow over the beft preffe in London , that shall print a reply to this. Hee that dares moft, let him trie it (as none will trie it that hath a care to live by his trade, not a hun- dred of anie impreffion of the Doctors bookes ever felling). My printers wife, too, hee hath had a twitch at in two or

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three places about the midft of his booke, and makes a manikin and a shoo-clout of her ; talkes of her moody tung ; and that fhe wil teach the ftorme winde to fcolde Englifh : but let him looke to himfelfe, for though in all the time I have lyne in her houfe, and as long as I have knowen her, I never faw anie fuch thing by her ; yet fince hee hath giv’n her fo good a caufe to find her tnng, and fo unjuftly and defpitefully provokt her, shee will tell him fuch a tale in his eare, the next time shee meetes him, as shall bee worfe than a northern blaft to him, and have a hand-full of his beard (if hee defend not himfelfe the better) for a manikin , or wifpe, to wype her shooes with.

Import. The Gentlewoman having taken her lenvoy or farewell , Barnabe Barnes fteps in with , An Epiftle to the right worshipfull his efpeciall deare Frend, M. Gabrieli Harvey , Dodtor of the Law.

Rcfpo. It were no booke elfe, if one or other were not drawne in to call him right worPiipfull ; and when hee hath no bodie to help him, he gets one of his brothers to epiftle it to him ; or, in their abfence, faines an epiftle in their names, where his ftile to the ful shalbe fet in great letters, like a bill for a houfe to be let ; and uppon paine of excommunication, with bell book and candle, none of his brothers muft publish anie thing, but to his dottrel-ship they muft frame the like dedication.

Import. The tenure of that fcrimpum fcrampum 0/Barnefes is 710 77iore but this , to exhort the fweet Doctor (as hee names him) to confoimd thofe viperoiLS criticall monfters , wheretoo hee is 7nanifeftly urged ; though he bee fitter to encounter fo7ne more delicate P aranymphes , and honour the Urany of Du Bartas. Hee hath a fonet with it, wherem hee invokes

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and conjures up all Romes learned orators , fweete Grecian prophets , philofophers , wifeft ftates-men, reverend generall councells , all in one , to behold the Do6tors ennobled arts, as precious Hones in gold. At the foote of that ( like a right pupill of the Doctors bringing up) hee mferteth his poft-fcript or correction of his preamble , with a coun ter-fonnet, fuper- fcribed Nafh, or the confuting Gentleman : in which he be- fmeares and reviles thee with all the cut purfe names that is poffible, and fayes hee cannot bethinke him of names ill enough , Jince thou raylft at one , whdm Bodine and Sidney did not flatter.

Refpond. No more will I flatter him, hee may build upon it. Thus it is : there was fometimes fome prety expectation of this Patter-wallet and Megiddo , that now I am a falting and poudring of ; and then Sir Philip Sidney (as he was a naturall cherifher of men of the leaft towardnes in anie arte whatfoever) held him in fome good regard, and fo did moft men ; and (it may be) fome kinde letters hee writ to him, to encourage and animate him in thofe his hopefull courfes he was entred into : but afterward, when his ambitious pride and vanitie unmafkt it felfe fo egregioufly, both in his lookes, his gate, his geftures, and fpeaches, and hee would do nothing but crake and parret it in print, in how manie noble-mens favours hee was, and blab everie light fpeach they uttred to him in private, cockering and coying himfelfe beyond imagination ; then Sir Philip Sidney (by little and little) began to looke afkance on him, and not to care for him, though utterly fhake him off hee could not, hee would fo fawne and hang upon him. For M. Bodines commendation of him, it is no more but this : one comple- mentary letter afketh another ; and Gabrieli firft writing

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to him, and Teeming to admire him and his workes, hee could doo no leffe in humanitie (beeing a fcholler) but re- turne him an anfwere in the like nature. But my yong Matter Barnabe the bright, and his kindnes (before anie defert at all of mine towards him might plucke it on or provoke it) I neither have, nor will bee unmindfull of.

Import. Here is another fonet of his, which hee cals Har- vey, or The Sweete Do6tour, conjifting of Sidney, Bodine> Hatcher, Lewen, Wilfon, Spencer ; that all their life time have done nothing but conjpire to lawd and honour poet Gabrieli.

Refpond. Miferum eft fuiffe fcelicem ! It is a miferable thing for a man to be faid to have had frends, and now to have nere a one left.

Import. What faifl thou to the Printers A dvertifement to the Gentleman Reader ?

Refpond. I fay, ware you breake not your fhins in the third line on preambles and poftambles ; and that it is not the Printers, but Harveys.

Imp. In it he makes mention of Thorius and Chutes fonets to bee added, prefixed, inferted or annexed at the latter ende.

Refpond. The latter ende ? but the beginning of the tyde, it may bee, for the flowing.

Import. As alfo a third learned French gentlemans v erf es, Monfleur Fregevile Gautius, who , both in French and Latine, hath publisht fome weightie treatifes.

Refpond. Were they weightie treatifes? the printers purfe never fo ; but in this refpedl they might bee tearmd to be weightie, that they were fo heavie, they would nere come out of Poides Church-yard. I will have a found lift at him anone, for all his mathematical devices of his owne

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invention, wherewith hee hath acquainted Ma. Do6lour Harvey , nothing fo good as a knife with prickles in the haft, or thefe boyes paper-dragons that they let fly with a pack-thrid in the fields.

Import. His booke —

Ref pond. Hand off! there is none but I will have the un- clafping of that, becaufe I can doo it nimbleft. It is de- vided into foure parts ; one againft mee, the fecond againfl; M. Lilly , the third againft Martinijls , the fourth againft D. Perne. Neither are thefe parts feverally diftinguifhed in his order of handling, but, like a Dutch ftewd-pot, jumbled altogether, and linfey-wolfey woven one within another. But one of thefe parts falleth to my fliare, I being bound to anfwer for none but my felfe ; yet if I fpeake a good word now and then for my friends by the way, they have the more to thanke mee for.

Incipit caput primum.

I was ever unwilling to undertake anie thing , &c.

You ly, you ly, Gabrieli: I know what you are about to faye, but lie fhred you off three leaves at one blowe. You were moft willing to undertake this controverfy, for els you would never have firft begun it : you wold never have lyne writing againft mee here in London , in the verie hart of the plague, a whole fummer; or after (through your frends in- treatie) we were reconcilde, popt out your booke againft me. Now fay what you will of being urgd, loofing of time , impudencie and flander, and another table philofophie that ye fancy, for there is not a dog under the table that will be- leeve you.

Sa ho ! hath Apuleius ever an atturney here ? One Apu-

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leins (by the name of Apuleius) he endites to be an engroffer of arts and inventions, putting downe Plato , Hippocrates , A r if to tie y and the paragraphs of JuJlinian. Non eft inven- tus : there’s no fuch man to be found ; let them that have the commiffion for the concealments looke after it, or the man in the moone put for it. Gabrieli cafts a vile learing eye at me, as who fhould faye, he quipt me fecretly under it, if he durft utter fo much. Alfo, in that which fucceedeth of One that is a common contemner of God and man,ftampes and treades tinder his foote the revereneft old and nezv Writers , oppofeth himfelfe againft Univerjities, Parliaments , and Gene- rali Councells , enclofeth all within his owne braine , and is a changer , an innovater , a cony-catcher , a rimer , a rayler , that out-facet h heaven and earth. — But foft you now ! how is all this or anie part of this to bee prov’d ? Make account he will (upon his oath) denie it. Hath he fpoken, printed, written, contrived, or imagined anie thing againft thefe ? or expreft in his countenaunce the leaft wincke of diflike of them ? Let fome inftance of that be produced, and he be not able to refute it. lie undertake for him (which is the rnoft ignominious impofition he can tie himfelfe to) he fhall give thee his tung for a rag to wype thy taile with, and have his right hand cut off for thy mother to hang out for an ale houfe figne. Cannot a man declaime againft a Catalonian and a Hethite , a Moabite Gabrieli , and an Amo- rite Dicke , but all the ancient fathers, all the renoumed philofophers, oratours, poets, hiftoriographers, and old and new excellent writers mult bee difparaged and trode under foote, God and man contemned and fet at nought ? Univer- fities, Parliaments, Generali Councells oppugned ? And he muft be another Romane Palemon , who vaunted all fcience

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began and ended with him ? a changer, an innovater, a cony-catcher, a railer, an out-facer of heaven and earth !

Is there fuch high treafon comprehended under calling a foppe a foppe, and cudgelling a curre for his fnarling ? Or is it thus, our iracundious Stramutzen Gabrieli , ftanding much upon his reading, and that all the libraries of the auncient fathers, renowmed philofophers, poets, orators, hiftoriographers, and olde and new excellent writers, are hoorded up in the Amalthoeas home of his braine, with whatfoever conftitutions and decretalls of Generali Coun- cells and Parliaments ? and for he hath comment! in both Univerfities, therefore he concludes, he which writes again!! him mu ft write again!! them all, and fo typer confe- quens) vaunt him above all ; and if he vaunts him above them all, he is a changer , an innovater , an impofter , a railer at ally and confounds heaven and earth . This is the tydieft argument he can frame to make his matter good, though it followes no more, than that a man fhould bee helde a traitor, and accufed to have abufde the Queene and Coun- faile, and the whole ftate, for calling a fellowe knave that hath read the Booke of Statutes, fince by them all in ge- nerall they were made.

Carn. Thou art unwise to canuaze it fo much , for hee thrift it in but for a rhetoricall figure of amplification.

Refpond. Rhetoricall figure ! and if I had a hundred fonnes, I had rather have them disfigur’d, and keep them at home as cyphers, than fend them to fchoole to learn to figure it after that order.

Carnead. You may have them worfe brought up ; for fo you fhould be fure never to have them counted lyers, fince rhetori- cians, though they lye never fo grofely} are but faid to have a

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luxurious phrafe , to bee eloquent amplifiers , to bee full of their pleafant hyperboles , or fpeake by ironies : and if they raife a fiaunder upon a man of a thing done at home , when hee is a 1000 mile off, it is but Profopopeya, perfonae fidtio, the fup- pofing or faining of a perfon ; and they will alledge Tully, Demofthenes, Demades, Aefchines, and fhew you a whole Talaeus and Ad Herennium of figures for it, four e and fiftie times more licentious. Thefe arithmetique figurers are fitch , like jugling transformers, lying by addition and numeration, making frayes and quarrelling by divifion , getting wenches with childe by multiplication, flealing by fubflradtion ; and if in thefe humors they have confumd all, and are faine to breake, they doo it by fraction.

Refpond. That laft part of arithmetique (which is fraction, or breaking,) I intend to teach Gabriel ; thogh to all the other, as addition, devifion, rebating, or fubftradlion, of his owne ingrafted difpofition hee is apt inough ; and fo hee is to multiplication too, hee having, fince I parted with him, laft got him a gentlewoman.

Bentiv. Both thou and hee talke much of that gentlewoman, but I would we might know her, and fee her unbufkt and naked once, as Paris, in Lucians Dialogues, defines Mercury hee might fee the three goddefses naked that Jlrove for the golden ball.

Carnead. The Venus fhee is that woidd win it from them all, if the controverjie were nozv afloate againe : and, which thou pretermittedfl before, hee puts her in print for a Venus, yet defires to fee her a Venus in print ; publifheth her for a firumpet (> for no better was Venus) and yet he woidd have her a firumpet more publique.

Refpond. By that name had hee not fo publifht her, yet

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his peacocke-pluming her like another Pandora , (from poets too parafiticall commending of whome firfl grew the name of Pandare, though Sir Philip Sidney fetcheth it out of Plautus) through his incredible praifing of her, I fay, (wherein one quarter of his book is fpent,) he hath brought all the world into a perfwafion, that fhee is as common as rubarbe among phifitions ; fince (as Thucidides pronounceth) fhee is the honefteft woman, of whofe praife, or difpraife, is leaft fpoken. My pen, he prodigally infulteth, fhee fhall pumpe to as drie a fpunge as anie is in Hofier Lane, and wring our braines like emptie purfes. Idem per idem in fenfe he fpeakes, though it be not his comparifon, and, Tam- burlain-\\\z£ , hee braves it indefinently in her behalfe, fetting up bills, like a bear-ward or fencer, what fights we fhall have> and what weapons fhe will meete me at

Con. Fafilia, the daughter of Pelagius, king of Spain, zvas tome in peices by a beare ; and fo I hope thou wilt tear her and tug zvith her , if Jhe begin once to playe the devill of Dow- gate : but as there zvas a zvoman in Roome, that had her childe Jlaine zvith thunder and lightning in her wombe ere Jhe was deliver dy fo it is like inough hers will bee , and prove an embrion, and we shall never fee it : or if wee doo, looke for another armed Pallas iffuing out of Joves braine , or an Amazonian Hippolite, that will bee good inough for Thefeus; or the female of the Afpis, who (if her mate be kild by any paffenger in the way) thorough fire , thorough the thickefl affembly she will purfue him , or aniething but water.

Bentiv. In fome countreys no woman is fo honourable as she that hath had to doo with mo ft men , and can give the luftieft ftriker oddes by 25 times in one night , as Meffalina did ; and fo it is with this his bratche, or bitch-foxe.

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Confil. Agelaftus, grand-father to Craffus, never taught bid once in his life , and that was to fee a mare cate thiftles ; fo this will be a jeft to make one laugh that lyes a dying , to fee a Gillian draggell taile run her taile into a bufhe of thorites, becaufe her nailes are not long inough to f cratch it, and play at wafters with a quit for the britches.

Carn. Multi ilium juvenes, multae petiere puellse, boyes, ivenches, and everie one purfue him for his beauty.

Non caret efifedtu, quod voluere duo,

Thou canft never hold out, if thou wert Hercules, if two to one encounter thee.

Refpo. Quis niji mentis inops tenerce declamat amicce. Who but an ingram coffet would keepe fuch a courting of a courtezan, to have her combat for him; or doo as Dick Harvey did, (which information piping hot in the midft of this line was but brought to mee) that, having preacht and beat downe three pulpits in inveighing againft dauncing, one Sunday evening, when hys wench, or frifkin, was footing it aloft on the greene, with foote out and foote in, and as bufie as might be at Roger o, Bafilino, Turkelony , All the flowers of the broom, Pepper is black, Greene Jleeves, Peggie Ramfay, he came fneaking behinde a tree and lookt on, and though hee was loth to be feene to countenance the fport, having laid Gods word againft it fo dreadfully, yet to fhew his good-will to it in hart, hee fent her 18 pence, in hugger mugger, to pay the fiddlers : let it fink into ye, for it is true and will be verefide. Let Gabriel verefie anie one thing fo againft mee, and not thinke to carrie it away with hys generall extenuatings, ironicall amplifications, and declama- torie exclamations. Nor let him muckehill up fo manie

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pages in faying he lookt for termes of aqua fortis , and gun- powder, and that I have thundred and givn out tragically , when nought appeares but the J 'word of cats-meate, and the fire-brand of dogs-meate, and, Aut nunc aut nunquam , and tzvo fiaves and a pike. But let him shew what part of that his firft booke I have not, from the crowne to the little toe, confuted, and laid as open as a cuftard, or a cowsheard ; and if my booke bee cats-meate and dogs-meate , his is much worfe, fince on hys mine hath his whole foundation and de- pendance, and I doo but paraphrafe upon his text. Some- thing that he grounds this cats-meate and dogs-meate on, I will not with-ftand but I have lent him ; as in my Epiftle to Apis lapis , where I wish him to let Chaucer be new fcourd againft the day of battaile , and Terence but come in now and then with the fnujfe of a fentence and Di6tum puta, wee 7 ftrike it as dead as a doore-naile , haud teruntii eftimo, we have cats-meate and dogs-meate inough for thefe mungrels. Hence, as if I had continually harpt uppon it, in everie tenth line of my book he faith, I do nothing but affaile him with cats-meat and dogs-mcat , when there is not anie more fpoken of it than I have shewd you. So, Aut nunc aut nunquam he brings in for a murdring shot, beeing never my pofie, but, AiU nunquam tentes , aut per fice, at the latter end of my F our e Letters ; fpeaking to him, that he shuld not go about to anfwere me, except he fet it foundly on ; for otherwife, with a found counterbuffe I would make his eares ring againe, and have at him with two ftaves to a pike, which was a kinde of old verfe, in re- quefb before he fell a ray ling at Tubervile or Elderton. Some Licofthenes reading (which fhowes plodding and no wit) he hath givn a twinckling glimps of, and like a

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fchool-boy faid over his gear to his unckles and kinsfolk, and tels what authours he hath read, when he floted in the fea of encounters ; which, for ought he hath alleadgd out of them, he may have ftolne by the whole fale out of Afcanius , or Andrew Matinfells Englifh Catalogue. No villaine, no atheifl, no murdrer, no traitor, no Sodomite, hee ever read of but he hath likend mee to, or in a fuperlative degree made me a monfter beyond him, for no other reafon in the earth, but becaufe I would not let him go beyond me, or be won to put my finger in my mouth, and crie mumbudget, when he had baffuld mee in print throughout England. The vidtoriouft captaines and warriours, the invincibleft Ccefars and conquerours, the fatyricallefl confuters, and Luthers (like whom the Germanes affirme never anie in their tung writ fo forcible) in an alphabet he trowles up, and fayes I out-flrip them all, I fet them all too fchoole. The quorfum , or quare, if you demaund, is this ; I have out- ftript and fet him to fchoole, and he is fure he is a better man than anie of them. The verie guts and garbage of his note-book he hath put into this tallow loafe, and not left anie Frezeland, Dutch, or Almain fcribe (where they com- mence, and doo their adtes, with writing bookes) that hath but fquibd foorth a Latin Puerilis in print, or fet his name to a Catechifme, uncompared or unfcoard. A true pellican he is, that peirceth his breaft and lets out all his bowels to give life to his yong. No author but himfelfe and Najhe hereafter he can cyte, which hee hath not ftellified worfe than Sapiens dominabitur aftris, the ordinarie pofie for all almanackes, or the prefenting of Artaxerxes with a cup of water, ufde in everie epiftle dedicatorie ; and thofe two hee hath wrought reafonably upon, having worne the firft

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(which is himfelfe) napleffe, and the other owes him nothing. Againft blafphemous Servetus, or Muretus, or Sunius , that have been fo bold with her Majefty and this ftate, was thys inventive of his firft armd and advanced ; which (uppon the miffing his preferment, or advauncement, in Court) he fup- preft, and in the bottom of a ruftie hamper let it lye afleepe by him, (even as he did the advertifement againft Pap- hatchet and Martin , which he hath yoakt with it, by his own date, ever fince 89,) and now, with putting in new names here and there of Najhe and Piers Pennileffe, he hath fo pannyerd and dreft it that it feemes a new thing, though there be no new thing in it that claimes anie kindred of mee, more than a dozen of famifht quips, but like a lofe French caffock, or gabberdine, would fit any man. Thofe more appropriate blowes over the thumbe are thefe : my praifing of Aretine ; fo did he before me, the verie words whereof I have fet downe in my other booke : my excepting againft his dodtorfhip ; better do6lors than ever he wil be put it in my head, and if therein I mifreport, I erre by authoritie : my calling him a fawne-gueft mejfenger betwixt M. Bird and M. Demetrius, in the companie of one of which he never din! d nor fupt this 6 yeres ; and for the other he never drunke with to this day : He may be a fawn-gueft in his intent nevertheles, and if he neither eate nor drunck at M. Demetrius , why did he fo familiarly write to him, M. Demetrius, in your abfence I found your wife verie curteous f For a great trefpaffe he layes it to me, in that I have praifed her Majef ties ajfabilitie towards f\c\hollers, and attributed to noble-men fo much pollicy and wifdome as to have a privy watch word in their praifes , and croffing his fleight opmion of invedlives and fatyres. Like fophifticall difputers that

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onely rehearfe, not anfwere, he runs on telling how I have father d on him a new part of Tully, zvhich he fetcht out of a wall at Barnwell, even as Poggius in an old monafterie found out a new part of Quintillian, after it had bin rnanie hundred yeres loft ; my taking upon me to be Greenes advo- cate; my threatning fo inceffantly to haunt the civilian and the devine , that to avoid the hot chafe of my fierie quill , they fhall be conf trained to enfkonfe themf elves in one of their phijition brothers old urinall cafes ; my calling him butter- whore , and bidding him, Rip , rip, y oil kitchin-ftufte wrangler; my accufing him of carterly derijions and milk-maids girds, as, Good beare bite not, A mads a man thogh he hath but a hofe on his head. Pulchre mehercule didtum, fapienter, laute, lepide, nil fupra, nothing fo good as the jefts of the Councell table affe, Richard Clarke.

Carnead. Yes; that he doth more than rehearfe, for he maintains them to be the Ironies of Socrates, Ariftophanes, Epicharmus, Lucian, Tully, Quintillian, Sanazarius, K. Alphonfus, Cardan, Sir Th. Moore, Ifocrates : looke the firfl 156 page of his booke, and ye fhal finde it fo.

Bentiv. What, had they no better jefts than Good beare bite not, or A man is a man though he hath but a hofe on his head : Pulchre mehercule didlum ! O, difhonor to the houfe from whence they come !

Refp. Hee chargeth mee, to have derided and abufed the moft valorous mathematicall arts ; let him fhewe me where- in, and I will anfwere : of palpable atheif me he condemnes me, for drinking a cup of lambswool to the health of his brothers booke , cald The Lamb of God and his Enemies : then, what atheifts are they that turne it to waft paper, and goe to the privy with it ? as to no other ufes it is converted, it lying

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dead and never felling : and againe with the atheift he fpur- gals mee, in that I jefted at heaven , calling it the haven where his deceased brother is arrived.

Carnead. Is it a jeft that his brother is arriv'd in heaven ? he is in hell then belike.

Confil. A more likelier peice of atheifme thou maift urge againft him , where he faith in one leafe , that one acre of performance is worth twentie of the Land of Promife ; as though God had not performd to the children of Ifrael the Land of Promife he vowd to them.

Refp. The deepe cut out of my grammer rules, Aftra petit difertus , he hits me with : I am forry for it I flanderd him fo, for he was never eloquent ; if he bee not above the ftarres, I would hee were. Hee complaines I do o not regard M. Bird, M. Spencer, Mounfieur Bod in. In any thing but in praifing him, and therin as Ariftotle non vidit verum in fpiritualibus, nor Barnard all things ; fo they may have theyr eyes dazeled. To a bead-roll of learned men and lords hee appeales, whether he be an affe or no , in the fore- front of whom he puts M. Thomas Watfon , the poet. A man he was that I dearely lov’d and honor’d, and for all things hath left few his equalls in England : he it was that, in the company of divers gentlemen one night at fupper at the Nags head in Cheape , firft told me of his vanitie, and thofe hexameters made of him,

But 0 ! what uewes of that good Gabrieli Harvey,

Knowne to the world for a foole and clapt in the Fleet for a rimer ?

For the other grave men, they all fpeak as their fore-man. His imprifonment in the Fleete , he affirmes , is a lewd fup-

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pofall (the hexameter vearfe before prooves it) as alfo his writing the welwillers Epiftle in praife of himfelfe, before his firft Fonre Letters a yeare ago. The compofitor that fet it, fwore to mee it came under his owne hand to bee printed. Hee bids the world examine the Preamble before the Supplication to the Divell, and fee if I doo not praife my felfe; and that the tenour of the flile , and identity of the phrafe proves it to be mine. He needed not go fo far about to fent me out by my flile and my phrafe , for if he had ever overlookt it he would have feene my name to it ; and be- fides, another argument that he never read it is (which whofoever fhal perufe it wil finde) it is altogether in my owne difpraife and difabling, and grieving at the imperfedl printing and mifinterpreting of it : let him fhewe mee but one tittle or letter in it tending to any other drift. He npbraides me by the poore fellow my fathers putting me to my fcribling fhifts , and how 1 am beholding to the printing-houfe for my poore fhifts of apparaile : My fa- ther put more good meate in poore mens mouthes, than all the ropes and living is worth his father left him, together with his mother and two brothers ; and (as another fcholler) he brought me up at S. Johns , where (it is well knowen) I might have been Fellow if I had would : and for deriving my maintenaunce from the printing-houfe, fo doo both univerfities, and whofoever they be that come up by learning, out of printed bookes gathering all they have ; and would not have furre to put in their gownes, if it, or writing were not. But if hee meane that from writing to the preffe, I fcrape up my exhibition, let him fcrape it out for a lye, till the impreffion of this book, I having got nothing by printing thefe three yeres. But when I doo

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Printers beat- ing with inke balles.

play my prizes in print, He be paid for my paines, that’s once ; and not make my felfe a gazing ftocke and a publique fpe6lacle to all the world for nothing, as he does, that gives money to be feene and have his wit lookt upon, never printing booke yet for whofe impreffion he hath not either paid or run in debt. Printers (above all the reft) have no- thing to thanke him for, in his Praife of the A ffe, he putting in the preffe for the arrant eft affe of all, becaufe it is fuch a meanes to preffe him to death, and confound him. Danters preffe fweares after three forme a day, fince he hath given it the preffe and difgrac’t them it will (how ever others ne- glect it) never have done beating uppon him ; nor hath it acquited him for calling me Danters gentleman , who is as good at all times as Wolfes right zvorfhipfull Gabrieli, or the gentleman he brings in reading a chapter (colledge fafhion at dinner time) againft Piers and his proceedings , and the approbation of his dodlerly reincounter. Applaud and partake with him who lift, this is my definitive pofition ; which Anaxandrides , a comick poet, faid of the Aegyptian fuperftition, Maximam anguillam , quam Deum putant , comedo; canem quern colunt verbero : they worth ip the great eele for a god, which I eate or difgeft ; and the dog they adore, I fpurne or drive out of dores. Hidras heads I fhould go about to cut off, (as Tacitus faies of them that thinke to cut off all difcommodities or inconveniences from the lawes) if I fhould undertake to run throghout all the fool- ifh frivolous reprehenfions and cavils he hath in his booke. I will take no knowledge of his tale of ten egs fora penny , and nine of them rotten; a gormandizing breakf aft, he faies ,1 was at of egs and butter ; which if he can name, where, when, or with whom, I will give him an annuitie of eg-pyes. No

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more will I of his calling me Captaine of the boyes, and Sir Kil-prick; which is a name fitter for his Piggen de wiggen, or gentlewoman : or els, becaufe fhe is fuch a hony fweetikin, let her bee Prick-madam , of which name there is a flower ; and let him take it to himfelfe, and raigne intire Cod-piffe Kinks , and Sir Murdred of placards, durante bene placito, as long as he is able to pleafe, or give them geare. Like-wife the captainfhip of the boyes I toffe backe to him, he having a whofe band of them to write in his praife : but if fo he terme me in refpedl of the minoritie of my beard, he hath a beard like a crow, with two or three durtie ftrawes in her mouth, going to build her neaft. See him and fee him not I will, about that his meazild invention of the good-wife my mothers finding her daughter in the oven , where fhe would never have fought her , if fhe had not been there firjl her felfe : (a hackny proverb in mens mouths ever flnce K. Lud was a little boy, or Belinus , Brennus brother, for the love hee bare to oyfters built Billinfgate) : therfore there is no more to be faid to it, but if he could have told how to have made a better lye he would. I will not prefent into the Arches, or Commiffaries Court, what prinkum prankums gentlemen (his nere neighbors) have whifpred to me of his flfler, and how fhee is as good a fellow as ever turnd belly to belly ; for which fhe is not to be blam’d, but I rather pitie her, and thinke fhe cannot doo withall, having no other dowrie to marie her. Good Lord, how one thing brings on another ! Had it not bin for his baudy After, I fhould have forgot to have anfwerd for the baudie rymes he threapes upon me. Are they rimes ? and are they baudie ? and are they mine ? Well it may be fo that it is not fo ; or if it be, men in their youth (as in their fleep) manie times doo

He might as well have cald it the Coun- teffeorDuches T o wne.

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Something that might have been better done, and they do not wel remember.

O yes ! Be it knowen unto all men by thefe prefents, that whatsoever names of Duns , Affe , or Dorbell I have giv’n Gabriel Harvey , or of a kitchin Jlujfe wrangler , and reading the Ledlure of Ram alley, I will ftill perfever and infift in ; as alfo, that I wilbe as good as my word in de- fending any (but abhominable atheifts) that Shall write againft him ; that I wil ftill maintaine there is in Court but one true Diana , and fo wil all that are true Subjects to her Majeftie ; that I think as reverently of London as of any citie in Europe , though I doo not cal it the Madam Towne of the Realme, as he hath done, and that I hold no place better governed, how ever in fo great a fea of all waters there cannot chufe but be fome quickfands and rockes and Shelves ; that I never fo much as in thought detradled from Du Bartas , Buchanan , or anie generall allowed moderne writer, howere Gnimelfe Hengift here gives out, without naming time, place, or to whome I did, how I vowd to con- fute them all ; that Maft. Lilly never procur'd Greene or mee to write againft him , but it was his own firft Seeking and beginning in The Lamb of God , where he and his brother (that loves dauncing fo well) fcummerd out betwixt them an Epiftle to the Readers againft all Poets and Writers ; and M. Lilly and me by name he be ruffianizd and berafcald, compar’d to Martin , and termd us piperly make-plaies and make-bates , yet bad us holde our peace and not be fo hardie as to anfwere him , for if we did ’ he would make a bloodie day in Poules Church-yard, and fplinter our pens , til they ftradled again as wide as a paire of compafses. Further be

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it lcnowen unto you, that before this I praifde him (after a fort) in an Epijlle in Greenes Menaphon.

Bentiv. But didft thou fo ?

Refpon. O ! what do you meane to hinder my proclama- tion ? I did, I did, as unfainedly and fincerely as, in his firft butter-fly pamphlet againft Greene , he praifd me for that proper yong man , Greenes fellow writer , zvhom {in fome refpects ) he wifht well to ; as alfo in hys booke he writ againft Greene and mee he raild uppon me under the name of Piers Pennileffe, and for a bribe that I lhould not reply on him praifd me, and reckond me (at the latter end) amongft the famous fchollers of our time, as S. Philip Sid- ney■, M. Watfon, M. Spencer, M. Daniell, whom he hartily thankt , and promifed to endow with manie complements for fo enriching our Englifh tongue.

Confll. Then, what an affe is hee to call thee an affe for praiflng him, and after thou hadft praifd him {though it was but pretie and fo, for a Latine poet after others ) upon a good turn done him {and no injurie fore-running) to build the foundation of a quarrell.

Refp. Further than further bee it knowne (flnce I had one further before) I never abufd Marloe, Greene, Chettle in my life, nor anie of my frends that ufde me like a frend ; which both Marlowe and Greene (if they were alive) under their hands would teftifie, even as Harry Chettle hath in a fhort note here.

I hold it no good manners (M. Nafhe), beeing but an arti- ficer, to give D. Harvey the ly , though he have defcrv'd it, by publifhing in print you have done mee wrong, which privately I never found : yet to confinne by my art in deed, what his

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calling forbids me to affirme in word , your booke being readie for the preffe, lie fquare and fet it out in pages , that fhall page and lackey his inf amie after him {at leajl ) while he lives, if no longer. Your old Compofiter,

Henry Chettle.

Impo. Yes, Greene he convinces thee to have abufed, in that thy defence of him is a more biting commendation than his reproofe.

Refpond. It is fo hereticall a falflfier, a man had not need talke with him without a Bible in the roome ; for it may be he hath fome care of his oath, if it be not in a matter of reconciliation, or repaying of money, as to Dexters man : but his ipfe dixit, his report otherwife, is nothing fo currant as beggers about the Courts remove. Nere tell me of this or that he fayes I fpake or did, except he particularize and ftake downe the verie words, and, catching them by the throate like a theefe, fay, thefe are they that did the deed ; I arrefb you, and I charge you all, gentle readers, to aid me. What truly might be fpoken of Greene I publifht, neither difcommending him, nor too much flattering him (for I was nothing bound to him) ; whereas it maye be alleadgd againft Gabriel, as it was againft Paulus Jovius, Quce ve- riffime fcribere potuit noluit, et quce voluit non potuit : thofe things which hee might have related truely hee would not, and thofe which he would hee could not, for want of good intelligence. How he hath handled Greene and Marloe, flnce their deaths, thofe that read his bookes may judge: and where, like a jakes barreller and a Gorbolone, he girds me with imitating of Greene, let him underftand, I more fcorne it, than to have fo foule a jakes for my groaning

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ftoole as hys mouth ; and none that ever had but one eye, with a pearle in it, but could difcern the difference twixt him and me ; while he liv’d (as fome ftationers can witnes with me) hee fubfcribing to me in any thing but plotting plaies, wherein he was his crafts matter. Did I ever write of conycatching ? ftufft my ftile with hearbs and ftones ? or apprentifd my felfe to running of the letter ? If not, how then doo I imitate him ? A hang-by of his (one Valentine Bird , that writ againft Greene) imitated me, and would em- bezill out of my Piers Pennileffe fixe lines at a clap, and ufe them for his owne. Nay, he himfelfe hath purloyned fomething from mee, and mended his hand in confuting by fifteen parts, by following my prefidents. There is two or three mouth fulls of my Oo yes ! yet behinde, which, after I have drawne out at length, you fhall feeme (like a crier, that when he hath done kire-elofoning it, puts of his cap, and cries God fave the Queene ! and fo fteps into the next ale-houfe) fteale out of your companie before you bee aware, and hide my felfe in a clofet, no bigger than would holde a church Bible, till the beginning of Candlemas Terme; and then, if you come into Ponies Church-yard, you fhall meete mee.

Oo yes ! be it knowne, I can ryme as wel as the Dodtor, for a fample whereof, in Head of his

Noddy Najh , whom everie fwajh , and his occajionall ad- monitionative Sonnet , his Apoftrophe Sonnet , and tynie tit- moufe L envoy, like a welt at the edge of a garment, his goggle-eyde Sonnet of Gorgon, and the Wonderfull Yeare, and another L envoy for the chape of it, his Stanza declara- tive, Writers poft-fcript in meeter, his knitting up cloafe, and a third L envoy, like a fart after a good ftoole ; in ftead of

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all thefe (I fay) here is the tufft or labell of a rime or two, the trick or habit of which I got by looking on a red nofe ballet-maker that reforted to our printing-houfe. They are to the tune of Lahore dolore , or the Parlament tune of a pot of ale and nutmegs and ginger, or Eldertons ancient note of meeting the divell in Conjure Houfe Lane. If you hit it right, it will go marvelloufly fweetly :

Gabriel Harvey , fames duckling , hey noddie , noddie , noddie :

Is made a gofling and a J 'uckling,

hey noddie, noddie, noddie.

Or that’s not it ; I have a better.

Dilla , my Doctor deare ,

Jing dilla , dilla , dilla :

Nafhe hath fpoyled thee clear e

with his quilla , quilla, quilla.

What more have I in my Proclamation to yalp out? No more but this ; that in both my bookes I have objedled fome perticular vice more againft him tha w pumps andpan- tqflesy which thofe that have not faith inough to beleeve, may toote and fupervife when they have any literall idle leyfure. The Tragedie of Wrath, or Prifcianus Vapidans, promifed in the epilogue Sonnet of my Foure Letters, (three or foure words wherof, as Awayte and paint, and tread 710 common path, he mumbles and chewes in his mouth like a peece of allom, or the ftone of a horfe plum, to fucke off all the meate of it) let him take this for it, whereby I am out of his debt, if not over-plus. And where he terrefies mee with infulting hee was Tom Burwels the

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Fencers fcholler , and that he will fqueaze and mazer me whenfoever he met me , why did hee not when hee met me at Cambridge , we lying backe to backe in the fame inne, and but two or three fquare trenchours of a wainfcot dore betwixt us ? By our reconciliation he cannot excufe it, fince the law-day was out, and the feude open againe by his breach of truce, and my defiance to him in an Epiftle to the Reader in Chrifts Tears. But let him henceforth provide him of two or three fturdie plow men (fuch as his fwines fact blue-coate was) when I legerd by him in the Dolphin ; for otherwife not all the fence he learnd of Tom Burwell fhall keepe mee from cramming a turd in his jawes (and no other bloud will I draw of him) : I have befpoken a boy and a napkin already to carry it in. Laft of all, there is nothing I have bragd of my writing in all humors , no not fo much as of his flefhly humours, but fhall be an- vilde for true fteele on his ftandifh, I making an indenture twixt God and my foule, to confume my bodie as (lender as a ftilt or a broome-ftaffe, and my braine as poore and compendius as the pummell of a Scotch faddle, or pan of a tobacco pipe, but as the elephant and the rinoceros never fight but about the beft paftures, fo will I winne from him his beft patrons, and drive him to confeffe himfelfe a conum- drum , who now thinks he hath learning inough to proove the falvation of Lu,cifer ; apologize it for him as many Chutes , Barneses, or vile friggers, or Fregeuiles , as there will.

Bentiv. Thou promifedft to have a dead lift at that Fregeuile.

Refp. I : here I am come to his verfes, but let mee take them in order as they lie. Thorius is firft, with a Letter and Sonnet , and Poft-fcript of Chutes.

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Carnead. More poft-fcripts and preambles ! Hath he (as with his Thrafonifme) infected them all with his methode of Lenvoyes, Poft-fcripts and Preambles ?

Refpond. From Mafter Thorius I have a letter under his owne hand, which hee fent mee to be printed, utterly de- claiming the wrong which the Dodlour (under his name) hath thrufh out againft mee. This is the counterpaine of it.

To my very good friend M. Nafhe .

Mafter Nafhe : / pray you to let my carriage towardes you alwaies beget but thus much in your opinion , that I would never have beene led with fo much indifcretion as to raile againft any man unprovoked ’ or to offer him wrong that never offended mee. Tritely , upon the fight of five or fix fheets of Doctor Harvey es Booke , I wrote certaine verfes in his commendation ; but that Sonnet which in his booke is Jub- fcribed with my name is not mine , and I geffe at the mifiak- ing of it. Indeed the Stanzaes are, though altred to your dif grace in fome places. To ufe many ivords were vaine, and to ende writing and leave you unfatisfied , were to write to no end , and to leave my felfe dif contented. But if you confider how I was as much offended with the unjufi vaine - glorious print as your felfe, wee shall both reft contented. Little did I think the booke should have had fo famous a title , or fo many prefaces , or fo many letters and preambles ; among ft which fome of mine, blushing to looke uppon fo con- temptible a perfon they were directed too , could not but be exceedingly ashamed to bee prefented to the eyes of a whole world. I could mifiike other things , but I will leave them as trifles. Farewell. Yours to ufe,

L. Thorius.

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Chute, that was the bawlingeft of them all, and that bobd me with nothing but Rhenish fnrie , Stilliard clyme , oyfter whore phrafe , claret fpirit , and ale-houfe paffioiis, with talk- ing fo much of drinke, within a yere and a halfe after died of the dropfie, as divers printers that were at his buriall certefide mee. Beeing dead, I would not have reviv’d him, but that the Do<5tor (whofe patron he was) is alive to an- fwere for him. Mounjieur Fregujius , or Mounjieur Fre- gevile Gautius , that prating weazell fac’d vermin, is one of the pipers in this confort, and he is at it with his Apologie of the thrice learned and thrice eloquent Doctour Harvey, be- fooles and befots mee in everie line, pleads the Doctors inno- cence, and the lawfulnes of his proceedings , praifeth his mo- derate ftile, faies he is forie he is fo unjuftly pusht at, and, being pusht at, glad he hath fo acquited him, and that his anfwere is reafonable and eloquent .

I am forie I have no more roome to reafon the matter with him ; for if I had, I did not doubt but to make him a fugitive out of England as well as he is out of his owne countrey ; and in this great dearth in England we have no reafon but to make him a fugitive or banifh him, fince he is the ravenoufeft floven that ever lapt porredge ; and out of two noblemens houfes he had his mittimus of Ye may be gone, for he was fuch a perverfe ramifticall heretike, a bufie reprover of the principles of all arts, and fower of feditious paradoxes amongft kitchen boyes.

My clue is fpun, the tearme is at an end ; wherefore here I wil end and make vacation : but if you wil have a word or two of Dodlour Perne and Mafter Lilly, in ftead of one of Gabriels Apoftrophe Sonnets or Lenvoyes by Struthio Bellivecento de Compaffo Callipero, and the contents of it, I proteft and adjure you fhall.

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Againft Do<5lor Perne our Poditheck , or Tolmach , hath in his booke twilted and ftitcht in a whole penny-worth of paper, which his goffipfhip, that had the naming of the child, dubs The Encomium of the Foxe. In it he endorfeth him the pulmg Preacher of Pax vobis and humilitie , (to both of which Gabrieli alwaies was an enemie, even as Do6lor Perne was to his love-lockes and his great ruffes and pan- tofles) the triangle turne-coate , (I wold he had anie coat to turne but that he weares !) and for triangles, one angle or corner he wilbe glad of to hide him in after this Booke is out, and brickil and oven up his {linking breath, (which fmells like the greafie fnafe of a candle) that I maye not come within eleven-teene fcore nofe length of it. He brings in his coffin to f peake ; what a woodden jeft is that! An apoftata , an hipocryte , a Machavill , a coufncr , a jugler, a letcher hee makes him , and faies he kept a cubbe at Peter- houfe ; that his hofpitalitie was like Ember weeke or good Friday : and if a man fhould have writ againft Sergius , that was the firft fetter up of Mahomet , he could not have par- braked more vilenes than he hath done againft him. Vincit qui patitur he faith (or a great counfeller that gives that pofie) can unrip the whole packet of his knaverie , mak- ing him a broker to his fcutcherie. The whole quire thankes you hartily. Do6lor Perne is cafkt up in lead, and cannot arife to plead for himfelfe : wherefore this (as dutie to thofe fome way bindes mee that were fomwhat bound to him) I wil commit to inke and paper in his behalfe. Few men liv’d better, though, like David or Peter , he had his falls ; yet the Univerfitie had not a more carefull father this ioo yere ; and if no regard but that a chiefe father of our common-wealth lov’d him, (in whofe houfe he died) hee might have fpar’d and forborne him.

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His hofpitalitie was as great as hath bin kept before, or ever fince, upon the place he had ; and for his wit and learning, they that miflike want the like wit and learning, or elfe they would have more judgement to difcerne of it. For Mafter Lillie (who is halves with me in this indignitie that is offred) I will not take the tale out of his mouth, for he is better able to defend himfelfe than I am able to fay he is able to defend himfelfe, and in as much time as hee fpendes on taking tobacco one weeke, he can compile that which would make Gabrieli repent himfelfe all his life after. With a blacke fant he meanes fhortly to bee at his chamber window, for calling him the fiddlcjlicke of Oxford. In that he twatleth, it had bin better to have confuted Mar- tin by Reverend Cooper than fuch levitie, tell mee why was hee not then confuted by Reverend Coopery or made to hold his peace, till Mafter Lillie , and fome others, with their pens drew upon him ? A day after the faire when he is hangd Harvey takes him in hand, but if he had beene alive now, even as he writ More Worke for the Cooper , fo would hee have writte Harveys whoope diddle , or the non- futing , or uncafing of the animadvertifer. I have a laughing hickocke to heare him faye, hee was once fufpected for Martin, when there is nere a purfivant in England, in the pulling on his boots, ever thought of him or imputed to him fo much wit. The bangingeft thinges which I can picke out, wherein he hath feftered Martin , or defended bifhops, are thefe : For a poliflied file few goe beyond Cartwright ; his rayling at mee , for fpeaking againff Bezay the grand Champion againft Bifhops ; his malicious defamation of Do6tour Perne ; where, after hee hath polluted him with all the fcandale hee could, hee faies, The clergie never wanted

x

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Have with you

excellent fortune-wrights , and he zvas one of the cheefeft ; as though the Church of England were upheld and atlaffed by corruption, Machavelifme, apoftatifme, hipocryfie and trea- cherie : in all thefe hee, making him notorious in the higheft kinde, dooth give out, that he was one of the Churches cheife fortune-wrights ; and befides (to mend the matter) he afks, What bifhop or politician in England was fo great a tempo- rifer as hee ? I hope there be fome bifhops within the com- paffe of the two metropolitaine feas, that can fifh out a fhamefull meaning out of this word temporifer , and doo difdaine their high calling fhould be fo gnathonically com- par’d ; for fuch is a temporifer , and with their profeffion it ftands to bee no ftate politicians, but onelyto meddle with the ftate of heav’n. Then he hath a tale out of Pontane againft Bifhops, for their riding upon horfes , and not affes as Chrift did : afwel he might reftrain them to ride upon mares, as John Bale faith our Englifh bifhops wer limitted too heretofore. Such another tale of a horfe hee hath of Gelo, a Tyrant of Sicily , whom he termes the politique tyrant, for bringing in his great horfe , inftead of a harper, into his banquetiing-houfe , to dung and ftale amongft his guefts. It is a ftale ftinking Apotheg ; but Bene olet hoftis interfectus (as Vitellius faid) ; the fweete faver of an enemie flaine takes away the fmell of it.

More battring engins 1 had in a readines prepared to shake his walles , which I keepe backe till the next Tear me, meaning to inf ert them in my Foure Letters Confuted, which then is to be renewed and reprinted againe.

So be your leave God be with you. I was bold to call in, SpeCtatores, the faults efcaped in the printing ; I wish [they\ may likewif e ef cape you in reading. In the Epi} 'tie Dedicatone

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correct Willington, and pat in Williamfon : in the midft of the Booke vide 7nake vidi : about the latter end ftellified ftali- fied, and Sunius Surius : with as many other words , or let- ters too much, or too wanting, as ye will.

The Paradoxe of the Affe, M. Lilly hath wrought uppon; as alfo to him I turne over the Doctors Apothecarie tearmes he hath ufed throughout, and more efpecially in his laft Epiftle of notable Contents.

Herewith the Court breakes up and goes to dinner, all generally conchiding with Trajan, The Gods never fuffer anic to be over-come in battail but thofe that are enemies to peace. Tit mihi criminis

A uthor.

FINIS.