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fPag-e 69

THE JAPANESE BRIDE

BY

NAOMI TAMURA

ILLUSTRATED

NEW YORK

HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS

Harper’s “Black and White” Series.

Illustrated. 321110, Cloth, 50 cents each.

The Japanese Bbidb. By Naomi Tamura.

Whittier: Notes of his Life and of his Friendships. By Annie Fields.

Gii.es Corey, Yeoman. By Mary E. Wilkins.

Coffee and Repartee. By John Kendrick Bangs.

Sees from the Saddle. By Isa Carrington Cabell.

A Family Canoe Trip. By Florence Watters Snedeker.

A Little Swiss Sojourn. By William Dean Howells.

A Letter of Introduction. A Farce. By William Dean Howells.

James Russell Lowell. An Address. By George William Curtis.

In the Vestibule Limited.

By Brander Matthews.

The Albany Depot. A Farce. By William Dean Howells.

Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York.

For sale by all booksellers, or will be sent by the publishers, postage prepaid, on receipt of price.

Copyright, 1893, by Harper & Brothers.

All rights reserved.

THE MEMORY OF MY DEAR FRIENDS MR. and MRS. J. A. CHAIN

OF DENVER, COLORADO

WHO WERE DROWNED IN THE CHINA SEA, OCT. IO, 1892 AND WHOSE AFFECTIONATE INTEREST SHALL EVER BE REMEMBERED

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PREFACE

This is the age of danger and the age of confusion with Japan. Old Japan is passing away, and new Japan is coming to the thresh- old. The old man’s opinion is no longer re- spected, and the young man’s word has no weight. Buddhism, Shintoism, and Confucian- ism have lost their power of control, and Chris- tianity has not yet taken hold of the mass of our people. Old and new customs are min- gled together, and they do not work well. Old men are content to marry in accordance with the old customs, but young men wish to marry in the foreign way, making their own choice of a wife, yet without any moral restraint, al- though they breathe the air of new thought imported from Christian countries. Young men are dissatisfied with old customs of mar- riage, but they cannot easily adopt a new mode.

This is a hard period for young men to marry in. This is a very hard period to con- trol young people according to the wishes of the old folks. Just come and see our streets ! There is a residence : Japanese gate, mixed house, half foreign, half Japanese. See a man: Japanese dress, foreign hat on his head, and for- eign shoes on his feet. See a lady : she is walking proudly, like a man, with a man’s shoes, and a foreign bonnet with the wrong side in front. This shows something of the result of the confusion of old and new, and the danger to our inner life in this transition pe- riod. ►

You might ask, on reading my book on “The Japanese Bride,” Is not there a noble virtue in woman’s obedience, in such a solem- nity at the wedding ceremony, and in such warm devotion of young men towards their old parents ? Yes, indeed !

But Japanese virtue is very pharisaical in form, not in heart. Nine out of ten ladies in Japan obey their husbands not joyfully, but un- willingly, just like the people of an absolute monarchy. Our wedding solemnity does not indicate the purity of our hearts, or the sacred- ness of the marriage institution. I have frank-

ly painted our home life which foreigners never penetrate, and which most Japanese hesitate to reveal, feeling it to be a shame to open the dark side of our home life in public, and espe- cially before the gaze of foreigners. I have tried to write with sincerity, in the spirit of loving truth, without any fear.

My sincere thanks are due to Mr. C. H. Phillips, my classmate in Auburn Theological Seminary and my intimate friend, who helped me in a great measure to publish this book in this shape before the American public. If any one who reads this book is able to catch a glimpse of our home life, and is thus led to compare the homes under Buddhist influence with the homes under the influence of Chris- tianity, I shall be greatly rewarded.

Naomi Tamura.

Tokyo, Japan.

CONTENTS

Page.

I. WHY DO WE MARRY? .... I

II. COURTING IO

III. THE GO-BETWEEN 20

IV. PREPARATION FOR THE WEDDING 32

V. THE WEDDING CEREMONY ... 43

VI. THE HONEY-MOON 56

VII. BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM AT HOME 65

VIII. MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER . . 7 9

THE JAPANESE BRIDE

i

WHY DO WE MARRY?

IY do we marry? Nations disagree upon the proper an- swer which should be given to this question. Opinions, customs, character, modes of life, all differ widely with the differences of religion, grades of morality, business, and even with the climate or character of the landscape. And ideas of matrimony follow the same changing rule.

Americans will reply to our question without any hesitation, Why, we marry for love, of course.” Mutual love is the fundamental principle in your marriages, and all other cases, such as marriages for money or for position, are exceptional.

You think that without love, real mar- riage is impossible. You respect the most highly the mating that was made through love, and think that even a father’s advice ought not to outweigh this sacred bond.

It will seem strange to people having such ideas that there is no such thing in Japan as marriage for love. True, there are cases where a husband and wife learn to have affection for each other after mar- riage, but it is a chance if they do. We often hear people commend a young bride and groom if they do not quarrel and are kindly disposed towards each other. “That,” they say, is very fortunate; that is a happy chance.”

It is very clear that we do not marry for love. If a man is known to have broken this rule, we look upon him as a mean fellow, and sadly lacking in moral- ity. His own father and mother would be ashamed of him. Public sentiment places love for a woman very low in the scale of morals. Probably this is the outcome of the teaching of the Buddhist religion, which says that woman is im- pure, and a scape-goat.” This false doc-

3

trine has had a very harmful influence in moulding our opinions.

We place love and brutal attachment on the same plane. We make no dis- tinction in terms. The Japanese word horeru (love), as applied to a woman, signifies a very corrupt character. It is a deplorable fact that our people do not understand the distinction between love and passion. They have never tasted the sweetness of pure, conjugal love, and with such a lack in our hearts, and such a sen- timent prevalent in our minds, it is easy to see why love is left out of our mar- riages. We regard the marriage service as an important ceremony, but by no means sacred.

Then what is the real principle un- derlying matrimony in Japan ? Before you can understand this you must know something of another element in Japan- ese thought, which has a powerful influ- ence in all our social life.

Perhaps no other nation attaches so much importance to ancestral lines. Hu- man life is not so important as one’s lin- eal descent. Under the feudal system,

4

the most terrible punishment for crime that could be administered was the ex- tinction of a family line which had lasted for hundreds, or even thousands of years. And to-day all educated Japanese feel that the cutting off of his family is the direst calamity that could befall a human being.

We keep our blood as pure as possible. Among your people we see families where three or four nationalities may be min- gled. The father is Scotch, the mother German, the son marries a French lady, and the daughter a Spaniard. To you this is nothing strange because so com- mon ; but to us it is a great surprise. The most of our people never heard of such a thing. With us the family is not a cosmopolitan affair, but rather a walled castle. We examine genealogies very carefully before contracting marriages, and the young lady who cannot show proof of blue blood has little chance of ever becoming an honorable bride.

The Jews are not more proud of their ability to trace their descent from Abra- ham than are we to point out some great

ancestor in our genealogies. A man may be as poor as a beggar, and yet very proud of his blood. To belong to a good family is a higher honor than money or education could secure. Thieves can- not steal, death cannot destroy, the high honor conferred by noble blood. The best legacy a father can leave his children is good family.

For this reason we respect a father as the head, the benefactor, the preserver, through whom comes to us the honor of generation after generation. To him is accorded the place in the family of abso- lute monarch. All power is intrusted to him. He is the law-giver and judge and king.

You think the family is a sacred insti- tution when you see the husband and wife reflecting the divine love in their sweet and happy life together. We think the family an indispensable institution, that the father may hand down his name and place and family to his son, through whom it may be continued to coming generations. A father’s throne is the most inviting position a man can have in

6

Japan. Our young men are as ambitious to be fathers as yours are to be presi- dents.

With this understanding of our feel- ings it will be easy to see the object of marriage in Japan the perpetuation of the family line. All other considerations are subordinate to this.

Many of our family customs are the outgrowth of this sentiment. It is a strict regulation that the eldest son shall marry at eighteen, and take his father’s position. If the father has been a doctor, the son will be a doctor; if a merchant, he will be a merchant ; if a farmer, a farm- er; if a gate-keeper, a gate-keeper. It is considered a breach of filial respect for the son to refuse to follow his father’s profession. How detrimental this cus- tom is to a people may be seen by the thousands of men in Japan filling profes- sions for which they have no qualifica- tion. A man takes a vocation not be- cause he is gifted in that direction, but because his father had that vocation be- fore him.

Should the eldest son be mentally or

7

physically incapable of marriage, the sec- ond son succeeds to the father’s position. Should there be no son, yet a daughter, the father will provide for her a suitable husband, whom she takes to her home instead of following to his home. He then takes her family name, and fills the place of eldest son to her father.

This we call Yoshi (adoption system). Young men do not like to be adopted into a family in order to marry the daugh- ter, no matter how beautiful she may be, for he cannot exercise in her home the authority he could in his own. This is the only case where a Japanese wife has any power over her husband. Hence, if a father desires to get “Yoshi” for his daughter, he will find he has a very hard task, and then must be satisfied with an inferior person.

If a family has no children, then they must adopt a son and daughter, and the father will contrive to have them marry so as to secure the transfer of his proper- ty to them. This is also a part of the Yoshi.”

It is a fathers solemn duty to secure

the marriage of his children. So far as his privileges and rights are concerned, they were transmitted to him from his fa- ther without any merit of his own, and he is in duty bound to pass them on to his son or adopted son. As a consequence there are no bachelors and old maids in Japan.

In this particular you differ widely from us. It is a great surprise to Japan- ese visitors to the United States to find so many unmarried men and women. We cannot understand it. We think Amer- ican fathers are unkind to their children or indifferent to their welfare. A Japan- ese father is under obligation to marry off his sons and daughters when they reach a certain age; and if a daughter remains at home unmarried after she is twenty years of age it is a disgrace to the family. Either the daughter is un- qualified for matrimony or the father has neglected his duty. Therefore a father will always state his daughter’s age un- der twenty, although she may have long since passed that age, and thirty would be nearer the truth.

Parents- are so anxious for the marriage of their sons and daughters that a large part of their lives is devoted to this end. And it is true that fathers will give their children in marriage without a care for their future happiness or prosperity. I have known Japanese girls who have been married three or four times and returned to their father’s home. And yet the fa- ther cares nothing, so long as he has done his duty and seen them married.

Japanese never lose hope of being mar- ried, however old or poor or homely they may be. In no other country in the world is marriage so well arranged and managed by the parents. A father and mother have done their duty by their children when they have seen them pass through that important event the mar- riage ceremony.

II

COURTING

'N the American marriage sys- tem, courting is an indispen- sable factor. Among the sciences, therefore, you cat- alogue the very important science of courting. Without a knowl- edge of this science, a young man has no chance of being married. He according- ly begins its study in childhood, and keeps it up until he leads home a bride.

Your young men have many friends among women. They have perfect free- dom to meet and associate with them in the parlor, on the streets, in public assem- blies, or in private ; by sunlight or gaslight or moonlight. Parents permit them to form the most intimate friendships with out any suspicion of wrong. Free coun- try, indeed !

Our young folks, on the contrary, have no such privileges and freedom. There is a Japanese wall as well as a Chinese wall, and the former separates the young men and women of the land.

When I was in America I heard of an old - fashioned custom of seating people in church, the men on one side and the women on the other of a high partition. In Japan we keep up that old-fashioned custom so far as our young people are concerned. We allow them no freedom or sociability or friendship.

Until our children reach the age of five or six years, there is no such separation. They mingle freely on the playground or at home just like their American cousins. But I have observed a wide difference, even among these little folk. Our boj^s are always leaders on the playground. In America I saw frequently one little girl playing with several boys, and giving her orders like a queen : Johnnie, draw my sled !” Charlie, bring my whip !”

George, run quick and get my doll !” One little miss would manage eight or ten boys.

We never see such sights on our play- grounds. From babyhood the girls are taught that they are inferior to the boys. The mother takes great pains to teach this lesson. The boy calls his sister by her name, but she must not use the same freedom with him. She can only call him Ani san (dear brother). If they eat together, the boy sits in the most honorable place. But commonly the boy eats with the father, and the girl waits upon them and then eats with her moth- er. In this way the inferior position of the girl is drilled into the children from childhood.

From the time a girl is ten years old her parents forbid her to play with her brothers. But usually this prohibition is unnecessary, for from the time that they are six or seven they begin to with- draw from each other, and prefer to play exclusively with their own sex. From that time the separating wall begins to exist.

Confucius is to be charged with plant- ing such a sentiment in our society. He taught that a boy of seven years or over

*3

must not sit down in the same room with girls. We do not know why a sage like Confucius should establish such a rule. Possibly the China of his day was cor- rupted by the association of boys and girls ; but the law has been handed down through generations which did not re- quire it, and to which it is a positive det- riment. It is still working much harm to women in our land. The very name of woman is considered dishonorable. We apply the title woman to a slow and stupid man. We allow a woman to do nothing in social or political affairs. She is not considered fit to take any place of trust even in her own home. It is thought impossible for her to exert other than an evil influence over man.

With such ideas prevailing concerning women, it is not strange that boys and girls, by the time they are ten years of age, have reared a wall between the sexes.

And this separation forbids to our young men and women anything like courting as seen in America. Should a young couple form such a friendship as is common between young people in your

country, they would be looked upon with suspicion, and if the attachment contin- ued, they would certainly be thought im- moral. It is impossible for the young men of Japan to have the pleasant and helpful friendships which the young American has among women.

While riding in a jaunting-car in Cork, Ireland, the driver pointed out to me a picturesque lane shaded by two fine rows of trees, which he said was called Sweetheart Lane.” Here the young men would come with their sweethearts for a love stroll and pleasant chat on a summer evening. It is a place of tender associations and happy or painful remem- brances to the young men of Cork.

You do not have in America such spe- cial courting-streets, but any street might be called Sweetheart Street,” for your young gentlemen and ladies meet, con- verse, walk and ride everywhere, and at any time of day or evening, with no taint of suspicion. It is one of the most at- tractive features of your social life.

Courting is a source of great pleasure to your young men. Ours have no such

i5

privilege. If your young man calls upon a young lady, her parents permit them perfect freedom, often leaving them alone in the parlor a good part of the evening. An attractive American girl will receive gentlemen callers nearly every day. In fact, she is like a magnet, drawing a great many young men about her. I have often noticed, when calling on a beautiful Amer- ican girl, that the door -bell rang very frequently, and at each ring a young gen- tleman would enter the parlors, stylishly dressed, smiling and bland. It would re- mind me of the solar system the girl was the central luminary, and the young men the planets revolving about her. To me it was a strange and amusing sight. Each young man would be anxious to monopo- lize the maiden, and would eye with jeal- ousy the other competitors for her favor ; and the young lady would exercise great skill in interesting all of these suitors, and at the same time hold them at a proper distance until she should form an idea which of these young men she preferred.

The young man in his courting-days has much anxiety and trouble. He often

finds that he has a rival for the affection of his chosen young lady, and must use great tact and perseverance to prove to her his devotion. He must be her ready and willing servant. And here comes in the science of courting. At every call that young man will do his best to be en- tertaining, and will watch carefully for in- dications of approval from the lady. He rejoices at every warm grasp of the hand and every cordial invitation to repeat the call. If he is to be absent from her for a time, he is very happy should she give him permission to write to her. And this perfect freedom for calling and cor- respondence gives your young people an opportunity to become well acquainted before there is any proposal or promise of marriage.

All of you who have enjoyed this priv- ilege will pity, I am sure, your brother in Japan. Our parents have no such confi- dence in their children. They would not dare give them the freedom that you enjoy.

I call upon a young lady in Tokyo her father and mother do not give up the

*7

parlor to us, but watch us with the vigi- lance of the police. What can I say to the lady while those eyes are upon me ? It will be a dry meeting, indeed ! My courting does not progress very well. I go away and decide to write to her ; but ah ! her father gets the letter, opens and reads it, and I wait in vain for a sweet reply. Correspondence does not help me out of my difficulty. I must give it up. Courting has no place in our social life. We do not marry through courting.

Now, supposing we did have the same freedom that you enjoy of meeting the young ladies, we would still not have very social times. The conversation would all be on the side of the young gentlemen, for our women are taught to be silent in the presence of gentlemen.

I am aware that women have the repu- tation of loving to talk. The Chinese ex- press the word noisy by repeating three times the character which represents woman. Where three women are togeth- er there is sure to be a noisy time. But the Japanese woman is dumb in the pres- ence of men. She is modest and quiet,

and seems very bashful, though I doubt whether she really is. She will not help on the conversation in the least. To your questions and remarks she will an- swer in monosyllables, and all of your skill and wit will not draw her out. What progress would a man make courting such a girl ?

But please do not despise the Japanese women for their stupidity. They are not trained for sociability. Give them the education that your girls have, and I will not admit but that our misses of the yel- low complexion will be as brilliant and entertaining as your misses of the rosy cheeks.

Our young men go into American so- ciety, and are surprised to find young ladies possessed of so much social and con- versational talent. Indeed, before a re- fined and educated American girl, we feel very small and humble. It is with great difficulty that we keep up with their ideas, for they really do have ideas, and that is something we are not accustomed to find in women. They will ask of the coun- tries we have seen and the books we have

19

read. They are ready to talk intelligent- ly with us of fiction, poetry, politics, crit- icism, or philosophy. They have read and thought, and they bring their read- ing into their conversation.

All this is new and strange to us. If the Japanese ladies had some of the same talent it would be a pleasure to meet with them; but under the present condition of affairs there would be little pleasure in personally courting a young lady of Japan.

Fortunately, then, there is no need for the young Japanese to study the science of courting, for but wait ! I will tell you the secret of our marriage system in the next chapter.

Ill

THE GO-BETWEEN

5fcHE most important officer in our system is the Go-between. In fact, the attainment of marriage is almost impossi- ble without his skilful man- agement of affairs.

Perhaps Go-between is not an adequate word to express the meaning of our word Nakodo.” Common use of the word go-between does not make it a very hon- orable title; it signifies a match-maker, and you have very little respect for such a meddler in young peoples’ heart affairs. In our society, Nakodo is an honor- able title. The office requires special qualifications, and involves great respon- sibilities.

The Go-between is a public officer, and recognized as such. He takes the place

for the bridegroom of friend, father, wit- ness, lawyer, judge, and minister.

When a Japanese father wishes to se- cure a partner for his daughter he does not advertise in the newspaper, but com- municates his desire to some friend. A hundred, or perhaps a thousand friends, have communicated the fact in their daily intercourse that they possess marriage- able sons and daughters. Very soon, therefore, word will come to the father of some young man whom his friend thinks would make a suitable match for his daughter. He makes careful inquiry about the age, social standing, and so on, of this young man. If all seems proper in these respects, he asks his friend to act as Go-between, and accept proposals from the young man’s father.

Thus far he acts only as a friend ; now his position will become official, and he must look to his own qualifications be- fore accepting. He cannot assume the duties of the office unless he be of the same social standing as both of the par- ties to the contract. Should he not have this qualification, he will seek out some

22

one who has. He must also be a married person. Having accepted the office, the Go-between suddenly becomes a very busy person. He is the telephone between the expectant bride and bridegroom, and they keep him flying back and forth bearing messages and replies, and arranging a thousand and one details preparatory to the wedding. Indeed, it requires a great deal of time and thought and anxiety to perform his duties properly. Why, just look at young couples in America who are contemplating matrimony ! See how many, many hours of talking and plan- ning and arranging they require. I think I saw some young lovers in your country who could scarcely spare time for sleep- ing ; it took so much time to do all the talking preliminary to their wedding. When you consider what the Go-between has to do in carrying all of the messages between the engaged couple in Japan, you will get some idea of the severity of his task, and will really pity him.

Generally, before a father makes the final proposal for a wife for his son, he will give the young couple an opportu-

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nity to see each other. In that case, the Go-between arranges for a Miyai (Look - at - each - other - meeting). But there are thousands of cases where the fathers make all the arrangements for the wedding without consulting the young people. In those circumstances, alas ! for the young man ; for he has no chance to see beforehand his prospective wife. He has no idea whether she will be attractive or not. Excepting what the Go-between may tell him, he has no knowledge of her. And so he dreams, and wonders, and imagines. Is she fat or slender ? Is she pretty or homely ? short or tall ? smart or stupid ? good-natured or sharp-tongued ? He waits very impa- tiently and anxiously for the wedding- night to reveal the truth or falsity of his imaginations. Even when the father per- mits a Miyai to the young people, it is impossible for them to gain any real knowledge of each other’s characters.

There are three ways of conducting the Miyai.” In the first the Go-between will take the young man to the home of the bride to call upon her father. It is

24

customary when a Japanese is making a call for the maid-servant to meet him at the door and conduct him to the parlor, which is situated at quite a distance from the entrance. Here the guest seats him- self upon a Tatami (soft mat) while he waits for the master of the house to enter. The servant ministers to his comfort. If it be winter-time, she immediately brings the guest a Hibachi (a small charcoal stove) ; if it is summer-time, she brings him instead a Tobacobon,” or smoker’s outfit, containing a small earthen pot of fire and another for ashes. She will also bring a cup of tea with cake.

After this the master of the house ap- pears. Host and guest now bow to the floor and salute each other -with extreme politeness. Then the acquaintance be- gins. Should they desire a second cup of tea, the master summons the servant from the next room (which is only sepa- rated by paper screens) by clapping his hands.

When the Go-between has arranged a “Miyai,” and the young man is calling with him upon the young lady’s father,

25

the second cup of tea is served by the daughter instead of the maid. Now comes the only opportunity he will have to see his future wife. It is a very critical and anxious time for both of them. The young man is greatly excited. The Go- between and the father are trying to keep up a conversation with him, while he is most interested in watching the bashful maiden who is entering the opening screen. Being well trained in Japanese etiquette, she advances slowly, carrying a cup of tea with both hands ; comes in front of the young man as he sits ; pre- sents the tea, bows, and salutes him in the politest manner, and retires to the next room. She has not spoken a word, and although she has been in the room less than a minute, the young man must decide from his impression whether he will take her for his life partner or not.

You will certainly have sympathy for both parties. What does the young lady know about her future husband? But he easily gets around that by giving her no voice in the matter. Her father is her representative, and she must abide

26

by his decision. And what idea of the young lady can the young man gain in that short moment ? How does he know whether she has brown, or black, or red hair; black, or blue, or brown eyes ; Greek or Roman nose ; light or dark complex- ion ; perfect or irregular teeth ; symmetri- cal or deformed shape ; large or small feet ; coarse or pretty hands ? Indeed, it is hard to judge of her character so sud- denly.

But really, it does not require so long to take in the appearance of a lady in Japan as it does in America. Our ladies have only one color of hair, and that is black ; one color of eye, and that is also black. She is generally short under five feet slender, with small hands and feet, and white teeth. Ladies in Ja- pan are plainer looking as a class than the men. Allowing the ladies themselves to be the judges, one meets more fine looking men than women on the streets of Tokyo.

Our taste for female beauty chooses a woman who is slender in shape, with long, white face, high nose, full eyebrow, al-

27

mond eyes, white, crystal-like teeth, thin red lips, and rosy cheeks. We are very quick to judge of a woman’s beauty, and can do it anywhere at a glance. So on an occasion like Miyai a young man is very smart and on the alert, and very quickly decides whether she is the one he wants or not.

The second method of conducting “Miyai” is called the Bridge-meeting.” The Go-between arranges for the young couple to meet on a certain bridge. He takes the man with him, and the young lady, accompanied by her mother or a maid-servant, meets them upon the bridge at the appointed time.

This affords a little longer view of each other ; but even then they do not speak, and I fear American lovers would hardly be satisfied to exchange conditions with them.

The third method is a great improve- ment on either of these, and is called the Theatre - meeting.” The Go-between takes the young man with him to the theatre, and they occupy the same box with the young lady and her family.

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Theatre -going in Japan is something more than viewing the play upon the stage. They often remain from daylight until midnight to see one play, and eat- ing and drinking will occupy an impor- tant place in the day’s entertainment. This permits the young folks to be to- gether all day. But even that will not be entirely satisfactory, for the parents are present, and a thousand other people close by and watching, and the position will be very trying. They will both feel diffident and bashful ; will not dare to ex- change smiles, or scarcely to talk togeth- er. Outwardly they will appear very cool and dignified, but who can tell what is passing in their hearts ?

When, through one of these forms of Miyai,” the young people have met and are satisfied with each other, then the Go-between secures the consent of the fathers of both parties. The whole affair is very tiresome for the Go-between, and I have concluded from observation that the marriage business is very trying in any country.

You think that America has a much

29

simpler system of marriage and courtship than Japan. But I have noticed that it is not an easy matter there. It is so hard for a bashful young man to propose to the young lady of his choice that he often remains an unwilling bachelor all his days. Pretty hard for him, is it not? And in Japan if we cannot find a suitable Go-be- tween, we cannot marry, and that is pret- ty hard !

Now, when both parties are willing, and the parents are agreed, there is another difficult gate to be passed namely, the relatives. The Japanese are very particu- lar about their relationships, and before the relatives will give their consent to the union the ancestry must be exam- ined, to be sure that the blood is true blue on both sides. In country districts the relatives must sign and seal an agree- ment before the marriage takes place, to prevent future trouble. If they live far apart the consent is gained by letter-writ- ing, and takes a long time. All of this is an additional heavy task, which falls upon the Go-between.

Who shall officiate at the wedding?

In Japan religious officials take no part in this sacred ceremony. Our religions do not recognize marriage as a religious institution ; neither does the Govern- ment provide the mode of marriage cere- mony. The Go-between is the witness and also the officiating minister on this occasion. But I will describe this duty more fully in the chapter on the wedding ceremony.

But this Go-between has not finished his duties when the wedding is over. He is respected as a second father. He is their counsellor, especially in matters which concern the marriage relation. Should anything happen between hus- band and wife, they call in the Go-between for final settlement. No matter how small the difficulty, they will call him in, and in nine out of ten cases he will decide in favor of the husband. Should the bride quarrel with her mother-in-law, again the Go-between is judge ; but his decision will always be favorable to the mother-in-law. He will require the bride to beg pardon of her husband or mother- in-law, whether she be right or wrong.

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Sometimes the bride runs away from home. Then the bridegroom sends for the Go-between to tell him his trouble. This official seeks out the black-eyed lit- tle rebel in her father’s house, and in- quires into the grievances which led her to run away. It is possibly a serious case, though it is not uncommon for a bride to run away three or four times before she is finally settled in her hus- band's home.

If she cannot be persuaded to return, or if the bridegroom does not wish to re- ceive her back, then the Go-between be- comes a lawyer to arrange the details of the divorce. He must see that the bride- groom returns to her father all the gifts which she brought him as a marriage- portion.

On the whole, don’t you think the Go- between has a rather difficult task ? It is an unenviable position, but he is a nec- essary factor in our social life. We can- not spare him until our customs change, or we give up matrimony.

3

IV

PREPARATION FOR THE WEDDING

^WFTER tEe Miyai glance- meet^n& has passed and the Ayv ^athers of both parties are WHl^V\n a»reed to the wedding, the next step is the exchange of “Uino.” Ui means bind, and “no,” accept. It is the testimonial of their con- sent to the marriage. It consists of wine, dry fish, and silk for a dress.

When the exchange of Uino has been made by both parties, they begin to plan for a suitable day for the wedding. The Japanese are very superstitious about the wedding-day, just as some of your people are afraid of Friday and the num- ber 13. We think it is very unfortunate to be married on the 16th of January, 20th of February, 4th of March, 18th of April, 6th of May, 7th of June, 10th of

33

July, nth of August, 9th of September, 3d of October, 25th of November, or 30th of December, also on the grandfather’s or grandmother’s death day. They never dare to select these days.

When the day selected arrives, the bride will send beforehand everything which she is to take to her husband’s home. She must take all the dresses she will need for many years, and almost all of the household furniture. Even a lady in moderate circumstances will require ten or fifteen persons to convey her goods to her new home. She will also take a cer- tain amount of money, varying according to her position.

There is a great deal of expense con- nected with a complete wedding outfit. We have a proverb, If a man have three daughters, though he be rich, he will be- come poor to many them off.” This is one reason why girl babies are not so wel- come in a home as boy babies.

In some country districts, when daugh- ters begin to multiply in the home, the father will plant Kiri trees for each girl, so that when she is fifteen or eighteen

34

years old these trees will be ready to af- ford the means for her wedding outfit. Sometimes a father lays up a certain sum of money when a daughter is born, and keeps it for her wedding-day, lest when the time comes he be not able to let her marry in the most approved style.

The wedding outfit of a bride is some- times arranged in a room at her home before the day arrives, and the relatives and friends of the family are invited in to view them.

Marriage is the time of woman’s trans- lation from girlhood to womanhood. She then makes a decided change in her outward appearance as well as in her heart. There are four changes which she will make in her personal appearance.

First. She changes the dressing of her hair. There are many more ways for dressing the hair in Japan than in Amer- ica, but Marwage is the only style for a married lady. It gives dignity to her appearance.

It is strange to you that our ladies do not dress their own hair, but hire a woman hair-dresser. For this service

35

she pays from three to ten cents each time, and then preserves it carefully from three to seven days. This is the reason a Japanese lady does not sleep on a soft feather pillow. She could not keep her hair looking well for a week with the American lady’s pillow, so she uses her wooden pillow.

Japanese ladies consider the head the most important part of the body, so they spend a great deal of money on their hair ornaments. They never wear bonnets or ear-rings, but their hair jewels kanzas- chi, kogai, kushi, and nemaki made of gold, silver, coral, or turtle-shell, are very handsome and expensive. A rich lady who has the means will make her hair look very pretty with these ornaments.

Second. She must change her girlish dress for one that is more dignified and quiet. I see very often, in your country, ladies of forty and fifty years dress very gayly, just as our ten-year-old girls do. Our married ladies would not dare to wear such gay dress lest they be thought crazy.

Our best dresses are made of silk of

36

different kinds, and common day dresses of cotton. Ladies do not wear woollen goods. Japanese ladies’ dresses are more natural, yours more artificial. Our ladies do not wear corsets, nor do they make any unnatural form by padding here and there under their outer dress. Our lady’s dress is of one piece, comprising a long coat, with a wfide and heavy sash. There is no division into jacket and skirt. It is very simple and graceful in appearance if she is sitting or standing still, but it is not suited for active work.

I learned in Princeton not in the The- ological Seminary, but in a tailor-shop that your young ladies wear at least thirty pieces, counting everything. Our ladies would not know what to do with so many. Nor do they use a single pin in dressing. I always wonder why an Amer- ican lady is so safe with so many pins in her dress, just like a pin-cushion ! It is a perfect wonder to me how American la- dies put on so many pieces of dress in so neat and nice a manner.

It appears to be very impolite in your country to ask such a question of any

37

lady. Even an American gentleman could not discover the secret until after he is married, and then I doubt whether he would learn it in one lesson.

By a funny accident I caught an idea how a lady puts on her skirt. When I was travelling in Illinois a dozen young ladies came to see me. Seeing my ha- kama,” which is just like a skirt in ap- pearance, but has a division like a wide pantaloon, one of the young ladies seem- ed very anxious to try it on. So I said to her, “If you wish to wear it, I am per- fectly willing that you should.” Thank- ing me for my words, she took my ha- kama” and tried to put it on from above instead of from below, as we do. But there was, unfortunately, the pantaloon division in it, so she could not get through, and *had hard work even to get out of it. Another young lady, seeing her efforts, and laughing heartily, said, Mary, that is not a skirt ! It does not go on over your head !” Under these cir- cumstances I safely got a point how American ladies get into their skirts.

Third. She must shave away her eye-

brows, to show to any one who may meet her, I am not single, I am married.”

Fourth. She must blacken her teeth. You may ask, “Why in the world will she do such a thing as that ? If she wish- es to indicate that she is married, surely there are other ways, which will not in- jure her body !” There are two opposite theories to account for this custom. The first is that by shaving her eyebrows and blackening her teeth she adds to her beauty. Her husband will be pleased, and more devotedly attached to her. The second theory is the extreme opposite, and is that these are signs to her hus- band that she will never change her mind. Also by so doing she will dimin- ish her attractiveness, and prevent any other man from having affection for her. It is very hard to settle which theory is correct. For myself, I do not think these customs are pretty and becoming to a woman. They rather destroy her beauty. So I do not think the first theory is true, but at the same time I do not think the custom was established simply to make a woman unattractive. Whichever is cor-

39

rect, it is a very foolish custom for any married woman.*

You see, therefore, that there is a clear dividing line between single and married ladies in Japan. You can tell the condi- tion of a woman at a glance. This is a good plan, I think. Once, while waiting for a train at a small railroad junction in your country, a young woman came into the same little depot, and we waited together for the train about half a day. I was rather curious to know whether she was married or single, but there was no sign about her to indicate what I was so anxious to learn. I became very curious as the afternoon passed along. Just be- fore the train arrived an old lady met her on the platform who was evidently an old friend. They chatted a while, and then the old lady asked, Is your husband well ?” She replied that he was, and she expected him home from Chicago in a few days. Now I had found out that the

* In olden times even men used to blacken their teeth, and it was quite the fashion. So, in my opinion, blacking teeth is the remnant of that fashion still prevailing among women.

4o

charming young woman with whom I had been talking was a happy wife.

I think it unkind for American ladies to cause young men so much anxiety. They ought to have some token in their bonnet or dress which would indicate whether they are married, single, or even engaged. It would save young Ameri- cans much thought and precious time. Shaving eyebrows and blacking teeth, however, I would not recommend the American brides to adopt.

Now I have stated the changes in form which mark the transfer from girlhood to womanhood. There must also be some changes in her heart. It is the sacred duty of mothers to give their daughters careful instruction for their behavior. She will give in detail instruction for her con- duct before she is married, and the daugh- ter will cherish it in her heart. General- ly the mother gives thirteen rules, or rather commandments, for they carry au- thority :

ist. When you marry you are legal- ly my daughter no longer ; so give the same perfect obedience to your father-

in-law and mother-in-law as you have given to your father and mother.

2d. When you are married you have no other lord than your husband. Be humble, be polite. Perfect obedience to the husband is a noble virtue for the wife.

3d. Be kind always to your mother- in-law and sister-in-law.

“4th. Don’t be jealous. That is not the way to win your husband’s affection.

5th. Even where there is injustice on the husband’s part, do not be angry. Rather be patient, and when he is quiet then advise with him.

“6th. Don’t talk much. Don’t tell an- other person’s mischief. Don’t in any case tell a lie.

“7th. Get up early; stay up late at night, and do not take a nap in the day- time. Don’t drink much wine, and don’t go into a crowded place until you are fifty years old.

8th. Do not ask a fortune-teller what your future destiny will be.

9th. Be a good house-keeper ; be eco- nomical in everything.

10th. Though you are married young,

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do not associate with young men, even if they are relatives.

“nth. Don’t wear a gay dress. Be clean always.

1 2th. Don’t be proud of your father’s prosperity or position. Do not boast of them before your husband’s father, moth- er, brother, or sister.

13th. Be always careful how you treat the man-servant or maid-servant.”

After listening to all these command- ments, she will take a vow that she will try to do all that she has been taught.

Now the preparations for the wedding are all made, and she and her family will wait with great expectation for the wed- ding-day.

V

THE WEDDING CEREMONY

NE morning, in a certain city

in the State of New York, a dignified old clergyman appeared in my room and invited me to attend the

Japanese wedding which would take place in his church that evening. I was delight- ed to receive such an invitation. I thought it quite a treat to attend a Japanese wed- ding in this Yankee land, so far from my native soil.

But the facts proved that it was not a true Japanese wedding. His church was behind in his salary, and were trying to raise the deficit by giving a concert where a Japanese wedding should be the attrac- tion. So I was invited, not only to at- tend, but to give a lecture on Japan also.

He asked me earnestly to come, and

44

promised to take me up and down in good order in his carriage, and to give me a warm bed and a warm breakfast. I accepted it cordially, not only for a warm bed and a warm breakfast, but for my curiosity to see a Japanese wedding in America.

When we arrived at the church it was packed full of people waiting for the per- formance. Surety, these people take a great interest in Japan. But it took a long time for the actual appearance. Ev- idently it was a big job to prepare such a wedding ceremony ; but after waiting pa- tiently about half an hour the ceremony began with music. Then bride and bride- groom, with her five maids and his five best men, advanced slowly from either end of the stage, and all bowed to the floor, and then sat down in the middle of the platform.

The bride had a long white veil and loose garment, and her face was paint- ed with white powder. The bridegroom had a pigtail on his head, and a loose garment, and shoes on his feet. The bridesmaids had a peculiar hair -dress

45

and funny garments, as had also the best men.

The first thing that the bride and groom did was to kiss each other, and then he presented her with a gold watch as a wedding-gift. Then the bride and groom drank something with each other at the same time, from a queer pot which had a mouth on each side.

During this performance her maids and his men were sitting down on the floor, drinking tea and eating pop-corn.

This is all I saw of this Japanese wed- ding. Was it a Japanese wedding ? I suppose this is a new invention of a Japan- ese wedding ceremony for America, or a new importation from Japan to fit Amer- ican people. I think it more proper to call it a cosmopolitan wedding, for dif- ferent national characteristics are repre- sented in it.

The Japanese never kiss on any occa- sion before the public to show their af- fection. A Japanese bride will not wear a long, thin, white veil, and Japanese nev- er have a pigtail on their heads. A pig- tail denotes a Chinese, no question. Kiss-

46

ing is an American custom. I don’t know to what nation belongs the custom of eating pop-corn in a wedding ceremony. Possibly it is an Indian custom. Allow me to describe the true Japanese wedding ceremony in this chapter.

Though there are slight differences in the manner of conducting the wedding ceremony in different parts of the Em- pire, the main part is the same every- where in Japan. The ceremony never takes place in the morning, as you some- times have it. Wedding before break- fast— in such a sleepy and hungry hour! The “diamond edition of humanity are not in such a hurry to get married as that. It occurs with us generally in the evening.

Naturally, all will be very anxious about the weather on this important day, so they will get up early and look at the sky, though we cannot depend safely on the weather in the morning. It varies ac- cording to the season. This very day will be the busiest and most anxious day of all their lives to the expectant couple.

The bride will take great pains to pol- ish and smooth her face with rice bran,

47

and paint it with Oshiroi (white pow- der), and also paint her lips with Beni” (red color). In my judgment, there are no such skilful painters in the wide world as the Japanese ladies. It takes a longer time than usual to paint and dress her hair for this important event.

The bride’s wedding-dress is generally pure white three or four comely pat- terned, long garments we call Kimono.” Generally a lady’s sleeve is one foot four inches long ; but the wedding Kimo- no’s ” sleeve is two feet five inches long, so we call such a dress Furisode.” Her sash, called Obi,” is eleven feet long and eight a half inches wide. She wears white stockings with the divided toe, all of these made from rich silk of various kinds. A thick cover made of floss silk hides her head and face. Any J apanese lady dressed in this way will be very pretty, becoming, and attractive.

The bridegroom is dressed in Kami- shimo,” a peculiar dress worn on this oc- casion, and made of various kinds of silk, its colors differing according to the rank to which he belongs.

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The wedding ceremony will always take place in the bridegroom’s house, where the main room has been decorated for the purpose. Wedding decorations are very simple. Of course the room will be cleaned with great care, and gen- erally they will change the matting for new, and the door-sash ought to be re- covered with white paper. The Toko- noma or that part of the room which is raised a few inches above the floor should be decorated with pine, bamboo, and plum blossoms in vases, with three pictures ap- propriate to the occasion hanging on the wall of this Tokonoma.” Pine, bam- boo, and plum are very lucky flowers for the wedding. In the middle of the room we put a small table made of white-wood, upon which is an artificial pine-tree, and at either end of the table is an old man and an old woman. These are dolls, dressed in the ancient style. The mean- ing of this decoration is a wish for long life and prosperity to the bride and groom.

Before the evening of the wedding-day the bridegroom sends a few persons to

49

the bride’s house to welcome the bride. Then, when all things are ready, they kindle a little fire in the entrance to the bride’s home, and she is carried by in a Kago,” or Norimono,” to her future home. On this occasion, as at a funeral, the Kago is carried by two persons, the back end foremost. Her father and mother, the Go-between, the friends who came to welcome the bride, and a few servants, follow in a procession. The servants carry presents for the bride- groom’s family, and all have brightly lighted lanterns, bearing the crest of the bride’s family. These presents are for every member of the bridegroom’s fam- ily, including the servants. The bride will be treated by the servants according to the present they have received, so her father must be very generous in the wed- ding-gifts.

There are two theories about the cus- tom of using, on such a happy occasion, ceremonies like a funeral the bride dressing in white, and being carried in a Kago,” and the kindling of a fire at the entrance of her home. The first is that

the fire and the white denote purity, and so are very appropriate to be used on such an occasion. The second theory is that, although the wedding is without doubt a joyful occasion, yet when a girl becomes a bride and leaves her father’s home, she is already dead to her father and mother, and lives now only for her husband, and she is going to die in her husband’s home. Hence the use of fu- neral ceremonies.

This latter theory is nearer the truth, for many other customs at the time in- dicate the connection in their thoughts with a funeral.

If the bridegroom lives in the city, then the houses on his street will be decorated with lanterns hung in the entrances for congratulations. When the bride comes to the home of the groom she will be taken first to the dressing-room. Here, with the aid of the looking-glass and by the assistance of her maids, she will ar- range her dress and then wait for the ceremony.

Now all things are ready, and the bride comes, moving slowly and gracefully, into

’ll 'plkk

the chief room, which has been decorated for the ceremony. The bridegroom is already seated on the upper seat on the front of the Tokonoma,” and is waiting in a solemn manner for the bride. She comes and takes the next seat to him, which is a lower seat, and the Go-between sits down in front of the couple. By the side of the bride will sit two married la- dies or two little girls.

When all are seated quietly and in a dignified manner, one or two voices will be heard in the next room singing a Jap- anese song, Utai,” without instrumental accompaniment, and this solo or duet will continue through the whole ceremony.

A small table is now brought in, made of white-wood, about one foot square and a foot and a half high. Upon it are three flat cups, the first one small, the second larger, and the third larger still. This is placed in front of the bride, and one of the ladies or little girls sitting by her will pour out a little “sake” (Japanese wine) into the cups from a wine -jar, which is decorated with butterflies made of paper. She then hands the smallest cup to the

54

After all have retired, the wife of the Go-between will take the couple to their bedroom, and after they are in bed an- other cup of wine will be exchanged by the bride and bridegroom in the presence of the wife of the Go-between. This ends the ceremony.

When a woman marries she simply changes her name, and the new name is registered in the Government office, which is the public acknowledgment by the Government that they are married. There is no regular rule to pay a fee to the Go-between, as in America you do to the minister, but generally he receives a great deal of money as thanks for what he has done for the couple. He natu- rally expects a good fee, and if it is not paid him he will come often to borrow money. As I have already stated, mar- riage is a very expensive thing in every way in Japan ; but if wre are in Japan, we cannot help it— we must marry, any- way.

Marriage is one of three great ceremo- nies in Japan. Every Japanese must ob- serve these three great events. When

55

he is married he has already celebrated two of them birth and marriage; and the third ceremony to be celebrated is death.

54

After all have retired, the wife of the Go-between will take the couple to their bedroom, and after they are in bed an- other cup of wine will be exchanged by the bride and bridegroom in the presence of the wife of the Go-between. This ends the ceremony.

When a woman marries she simply changes her name, and the new name is registered in the Government office, which is the public acknowledgment by the Government that they are married. There is no regular rule to pay a fee to the Go-between, as in America you do to the minister, but generally he receives a great deal of money as thanks for what he has done for the couple. He natu- rally expects a good fee, and if it is not paid him he will come often to borrow money. As I have already stated, mar- riage is a very expensive thing in every way in Japan ; but if we are in Japan, we cannot help it we must marry, any- way.

Marriage is one of three great ceremo- nies in Japan. Every Japanese must ob- serve these three great events. When

55

he is married he has already celebrated two of them birth and marriage; and the third ceremony to be celebrated is death.

VI

THE HONEY-MOON

HAT is the honey-moon ? I was told in America that the honey-moon is the first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tender- ness and pleasure.” If this is true, then there is no such thing as the honey-moon in Japan. The first month after marriage is the most trying time, especially for the bride. This period is rather bitter as medicine than sweet as honey in her life. The first month after marriage is the bitter-moon rather than the honey- moon for a Japanese bride.

With you the bride and groom have an opportunity for seeing each other and becoming well acquainted before the wed- ding. When a young man is engaged to a girl, he will take her to church or lect-

57

ures or parties, and see her safely back to her home. Sometimes he calls on her every evening, and stays in the parlor with her until twelve or one o’clock.

I had a very funny experience with American lovers while staying one night in a family where there were two beauti- ful daughters. One of them was evident- ly engaged, and was going to marry very soon. In the evening a young man came to call upon her. I knew at once by his behavior that this was the one to whom she was engaged. We all retired early to our rooms, as I understood it is Amer- ican etiquette to give full time to such a young man, and I was thoroughly drilled to do so while staying four years in your country. Surely, this young man had a good time with his lady, and stayed with her until one o’clock, and at such a late hour he drove back four miles to his home in a deep snow.

I heard almost all of her talk with him, as fortunately, or unfortunately, my bed- room was in the very next room to where they were visiting, though they were talk- ing very low. I would not dare to de-

scribe it, because it is too sweet and deli- cate for these pages. But I was very much impressed by one thing: when about to retire, she took her shoes off, and went up to her bedroom very softly. Evidently she did not wish to disturb any one.

Although young men and ladies are so much together before marriage, still they are not satisfied. After the wedding, and especially for the first month, they are never separated. Whether on the street or in the home, when you see one you see the other close by. They are bold enough before the public, and do just as they like. Before father or mother or stranger they are not afraid to show their affection.

When a Japanese bride gets up in the morning she must get up very early, no matter how late she went to sleep the first thing she must see her mother-in- law and father-in-law, and ask them how they slept, and so on. Then she must mingle with the servants freely from the first day. No such thing as a wedding- trip in Japan.

The bride and groom are generally re-

59

served when they are in the room to- gether with other people of the house. They do not even talk familiarly with each other, or show any affection. Most of them have no affection to show, be- cause, as I stated in the first chapter, they never marry for love. A great many of them never met before they were mar- ried, so how can a bride act affectionate- ly ? And supposing they were acquainted beforehand, and had some affection for each other, how could they show it be- fore mother-in-law and father-in-law? In this respect your honey -moon is a grand thing for the bride and bridegroom, if they do not travel too extensively and become all tired out.

I never saw anything in my life like your young people to show their affec- tion in public places during the honey- moon. Japanese are very reserved, even though they wish to show their affec- tion.

Once when I was visiting at the Mam- moth Cave in Kentucky, there were three couples of strangers going through at the same time. They were little company

6o

for me, so I took a negro guide, whose name was George, as my companion. While we were going through the cave he and I became very good friends, and he told me that he had been there thirty- five years, and went into the cave nearly every day. So he was very familiar with everything there ; not only the cave, but he could tell a good deal about the peo- ple who visited it. Evidently he was quite a prophet. He told me that he could prophesy how long these three couples had been married.

Well !” I exclaimed, for this was a new idea to me. Could you, indeed, tell me how long ago they married? Are you not fooling me ?” He said, Naw. boss, I’se in dead earnest, I is !” I was very anxious to take the art of knowing that secret to my far-off home in Japan, so I insisted that he should explain it to me. He said that the first couple had been married at least fifteen years, the second only five years, and the third was just married.

Well,” I said, it is easy enough to say so ; but prove it to me. What evidence

6i

have you? Without evidence I cannot believe it.”

Then he proceeded to give me very satisfactory proof that it was just as he said. He told me to notice the first couple, and said that when the wife went away by herself, and even when she approached pretty dangerous places, her husband did not seem to care, but went off by himself. Fifteen years had made them somewhat indifferent. When the second wife went off, her husband followed close behind, to take care of her. They had not been married longer than five years. The third couple acted quite differently.

Now look dar at dat odder couple,” says George. See dar ! he don’ neber leab his honey at all ! An’ see dar ! see him squeezin’ her! Jus’ a huggin’ an’ a squeezin’ wheneber dey get in de shadder a little. Now what I tol’ yer ? Dat couple done jus’ got married ! Hi ?”

I was convinced that his logic was cor- rect, and when we came into the Bridal Chamber” I had good proof that my dar- ky guide was a true prophet. There was no question but that this third couple

62

were spending a part of their honey- moon down in the cave. So I learned that in America you can tell how long a couple have been married by the indif- ference or affection they exhibit towards each other.

In Japan we can tell very well how long a couple have been married ; not by their display of affection, but by their dress and features. Our bride and bride- groom never embrace before the public, not even in a dark place like the Mam- moth Cave.

It seems to me that there is a rule that a Japanese bride for the first few days shall say to her husband as few words as possible ; so when her husband asks her a question she will answer simply Yes or No.” The second day she will sew a little, partly to show to her mother-in- law her ability, partly to kill time, partly to cover her bashfulness. She comes among strange people, and it will be very trying to be placed under such unusual circum- stances. She has no one to talk familiar- ly with, for even her husband is a com- parative stranger. Under such trying

63

circumstances there must be some kind of escape, where she can relax and have a good time, and such an escape is well provided.

The third or seventh day after she is married she will go back to her father’s home to stay three or seven days, and will have a good time mingling with her old friends. During her stay at home her husband will come to her father’s home with presents for all the household from father to servants, just as the bride brought presents to the groom’s home. Then her father will provide a big feast for him, and invite all of his own friends to introduce them to his son-in-law.

Sometimes when the bride comes home for this visit she will not consent to go back to her husband, and after only three days of married life a divorce will take place ; but generally the bride will go back to the groom’s house and begin her wedded life there.

After she has gone back to her new home her mother-in-law takes her to all the houses which offered congratulations to her by putting lanterns in their door-

ways when she was married, and to them she is introduced. Within a few days she must send bean -rice or cake to the relatives and friends who sent wedding- presents, as an acknowledgment of their kindness. These are all heavy burdens she must bear during the first month of her married life. And this period you call the honey-moon !

VII

BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM AT HOME

T is an unknown custom to us that when a son is mar- ried he will leave his father’s home, and make his own home along with his bride, as your young people do. Before your bride and groom have their home well settled, they need a good deal of time and money for furnishing. Our bride and groom live under the same roof with the groom’s father and mother, so every- thing is at hand, and no furniture to buy.

Generally, when the father gets over fifty years old, he will become Inkio that is, retired from active life and will transfer all his property to his son. From this time his son becomes sole master of the house, and will take in hand all the responsibility of the house-

66

hold, and will provide whatever his father and mother want for their support and pleasure. This is not only the case when the father has some property and hands it down to his son ; even when the fa- ther is poor and has a large amount of debts, when he gets over fifty years old he will retire and become Inkio,” and will urge his son to work, even though he is too young to do anything. He puts all the burden of his heavy debts on his son’s shoulders. Japanese are obliged to support their fathers and mothers when they get old, though the parents are still strong enough to work and sup- port themselves without any help. This is the great temptation to an evil father to indulge himself in drinking wine and other bad habits, and then give the hard work to his son to support him. Though many Japanese feel unwilling to support the father, they cannot help it, because our custom, or rather our*morality, urge us to support the father as a solemn duty of sonship ; so we will support our parents as a duty, though we have no heart or joy in it.

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Many foreigners, seeing our external virtue in supporting our old fathers and mothers and providing them with all com- forts as a duty of sonship, praise us too much. I am sure if foreigners could see the inner life of our home, they would take back half of their praises in this respect. Is it right to support the father when he gets over fifty years old, no mat- ter whether he is able to work or not ? Is it reasonable in this progressive age to retire from an active life because a man is over fifty years of age ? No one will deny that it is an honorable duty upon the son’s part to support the father when he gets old and is not able to work, or is pl^sically weak. We do it joyfully and willingly in such a case ; but I cannot think it is sound morals to support a fa- ther without any discrimination, simply because he is a father.

Living together in the same house with father and mother is the death-blow to Japanese homes. It is almost impossi- ble that old and young can manage their household affairs without disagreement. It is very natural that the old mother will

6S

not be satisfied with what the young and inexperienced bride will do in keeping household affairs in her own way.

Generally, the mother-in-law in Japan is very strict and troublesome to the bride. She wants to control her in her way, un- der her strict government, and she has sometimes more authority over her than her husband has. She commands her in all things. She keeps her eye upon her daily conduct, and teaches her, just like a little child, how to eat, how to handle chopsticks, and how to salute a person. It is a harder task for a bride to please her mother-in-law than to please her husband.

A wife’s position in our home is that of mistress rather than queen. Your say- ing, “ Woman’s work is never done,” is quite true in our home. The wife gets up first, and goes to sleep late ; and she will work all day long, looking after the kitchen, opening sliding doors in the morning, and shutting them in the even- ing; putting away our soft cotton beds every morning in the closet, and setting them up in the evening ; cleaning our

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rooms every day, and sewing a great part of the day and night. When the husband goes out and comes home, she will look after all his clothing. Without a wife the Japanese man is quite helpless. When he eats she will wait upon him, and she will give all the comforts she can to her husband, and will make home as attract- ive as possible to him.

When a guest comes, she wTill make tea, and will let the maid -servant take it to the guest, and she will entertain a guest with cake always. If he comes at dinner or supper time, she must be sure to entertain him with dinner or supper, and offer him a bottle of sake to show her hospitality. Japanese never come to our homes to make a short call of five minutes, as you do ; when they come they stay long, sometimes three or four hours, though they are not specially in- vited. Now, when sake begins, some- times they drink and drink until mid- night— nay, until daylight.

Japanese know very little of the value of time and the laws of health. They do not eat heartily at meal-time, but eat cake

7o

and buckwheat, or anything, and drink tea at any time they wish between meals. These extra eatings and drinkings in- crease the household duties of the wife.

A Japanese home always has a Butsu- dan,” the shrine or altar where stands the family idol, and also many small tablets on which the names and time of death of the ancestors are recorded. Even some of our poor Japanese go to great expense to get this Butsu-dan,” which is a large box gilded with gold, and is put in a con- spicuous place in the house. Every morn- ing and evening prayers are offered in front of this Butsu-dan,” and flowers, rice, tea, and incense-sticks are brought by members of the family.

The graves of ancestors are also very carefully kept all through the year, and when the anniversary of their ancestors’ deaths and the 16th of July comes, they take special pains to clean the graveyard, and offer prayers and flowers and clean water in front of their graves. Japanese think that when the 16th of July comes, all ancestors, from Paradise or hell, make a yearly visit to our homes.

The first or second or fifth or tenth anniversary of the death of ancestors is strictly kept, and all the relations and friends are invited to their homes, and a feast is made for them. Buddhist priests are also invited, and prayers are offered and religious ceremonies are performed by them. Some Japanese perform this religious ceremony every year on the an- niversary of their ancestors’ deaths. It is the wife’s great duty to attend all these ceremonies, and to go to the ancestors’ graves as often as possible, and show her great respect to her husband’s an- cestors.

It is quite curious that though we show a great respect for the anniversary of our ancestors’ deaths, we do not celebrate the anniversary of a wedding, as you do. We know nothing about paper, wooden, cot- ton, glass, silver, gold, and diamond wed- dings. In fact, even if we had such a custom, we seldom have a joyful oppor- tunity to celebrate a silver, gold, or dia- mond wedding. You may think, judging from the fact that our marriages take place in early life, that we have a chance

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to celebrate silver or gold weddings more commonly than you. Unhappily, it is not so, because it is not a rare thing for Jap- anese to change their wives more than once or twice in their lives. There are many Japanese husbands who have their third or fourth wife, though their first, second, or third wife is still living.

Our bride may have a great grief and heart-breaking which your bride may not meet in her life. The husband may do anything he wishes with absolute free- dom. He may stay out a week or a month if he does not choose to come home. He may have a concubine in his own house or in a private house, and the wife has no right to oppose her husband’s wishes. If she does oppose and say dis- agreeable things to him, what is the re- sult of it ? The consequence will be more trouble than ever in her life. Therefore a Japanese wife will allow her husband to do whatever he wishes, and will treat him as lovingly and pleasantly as possible, though her heart is full of a grief and sorrow like death.

This is the point which so many for-

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eigners admire, that Japanese wives are so pleasing to their husbands, and so devoted to them. I do not wish here to compare whether it is better to have such a hum- ble wife, or a stubborn and self-willed wife, such as I have seen sometimes in American homes. Some Japanese, see- ing such a wife in some of your homes, claim that Japanese homes are far better, when really they know nothing about the matter. Such a wife is the exception in your home, and there are hundreds and thousands of homes in America where husband and wife are united with an un- fading love. They equal each other in their rights, and share the same grief and joy.

In some cases our wives show a great self-denial in pleasing their husbands, and some wives are willing to do so blind- ly and ignorantly ; for our young women are educated from childhood to believe that it is a noble virtue for any wife to obey whatever her husband commands. She thinks that it is a duty and an obli- gation to obey her husband, no matter whether it be right or wrong.

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Some have an idea that when the hus- band commands the wife to do anything like stealing or selling her virtue, though the action may be wrong in its nature, when she does wrong for her husband’s sake such action becomes morally good. Some have the very low idea that when a woman is married she is given to her husband by her father. When a father wants to have his daughter married, he will say, I want to give away my daugh- ter,” and a person who is going to marry will say, I will take her.” Therefore, she is given to him when she is married just like a bed or a table. Hence her husband has a right to do anything with her, and if she does not wish to obey, it is a simple process to return her to her father, who is the original owner.

Though the standard of morality is de- cidedly low in Japan, and our Government permits concubinage as a social system, and although parents allow their sons to have concubines from the low and mean class of women, yet a strict father and mother would not dare to allow a son to bring into the household as a wife such

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a mean and low character of woman as the Geisha (dancing-girl). The Geisha class are degraded in their hearts with- out exception ; so if any one takes such a one as his wife in his home, he shows pub- licly his own degradation of character. Yet our high officers often get their wives from such a class of women. This Gei- sha” class is a moral evil in the Japanese young man’s life, a blight on our society, and a devil to destroy our home life. So long as such a class of women exists and is recognized by the Government and by public society, the condition of all women must be very low. Suppose a husband is attracted by such a class of women, and his wife makes a commotion in her home about it, the result is that divorce will take place immediately. The relation of husband and wife is so thin that it may be easily broken.

There are seven causes for divorce in Japan. They are impressed upon our women from childhood.

i st. Disobedience to the father and mother in law ; 2d. No child ; 3d. Adul- tery ; 4th. Jealousy ; 5th. Loathsome dis-

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ease ; 6th. Talking too much ; 7th. Steal- ing.

There is another cause for divorce stronger than these seven rules : that is, if a husband dislikes his wife, at any time he can divorce her. No court appears to divorce a wife in japan. It depends upon the will of the man absolutely, and the wife has no right to divorce her hus- band. If a husband wishes to divorce his wife, he may call the Go-between and state the case to him, and let him com- municate the matter to the wife’s father, and then he returns her to her father’s house and to her old family name. That ends all divorce cases. It is far easier than to marry, though Japanese marriage is easily managed, as you have already seen.

The main cause for divorce in Japan is that the husband dislikes his wife, but there are hundreds of cases where the divorce takes place because the mother- in-law dislikes the wife. A few years ago an educated girl was married to a man who had an old stupid mother. One day at dinner she took for herself the

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upper part of the fish, and gave the lower part to her husband, because she thought the upper part bony and not easily eaten, and she wished to show her good-will to her husband ; but her mother-in-law, seeing it, was very angry, because she thought the upper part of the fish was only to be eaten by the husband, and the lower part by the wife. The wife ex- plained why she did it, but the old stupid mother-in-law would not hear, and was just deaf to the wife’s reasoning. A great discussion followed, and as a consequence the wife was divorced, though the hus- band had a sweet affection for her. He was overpersuaded by his mother, and this is not an isolated case. There are hundreds similar. Many wives cannot stay at the husband’s home, so they run away, simply on account of the mother- in-law. But there are maAy cases where the mother-in-law likes the wife, so her position is quite safe, though the husband dislikes her.

When a wife is unfortunately left alone by her husband’s death, whether after a few days or several years of married life,

it is considered virtuous and honorable to remain a widow all the rest of her life ; therefore some young wives will cut their beautiful hair and wear black clothing, and devote their lives to religion like Roman Catholic nuns. Every day they go to the Buddhist temple where the husband’s body was buried to show their fidelity to him. But this is not enforced by any law. In fact, there are very few such wives in Japan. As a general rule, they marry a second or a third time, if their husbands die. Most of the Japanese women could not support themselves by their own hands or heads, and must always depend upon their husbands. This is one of the reasons why Japanese wives are treated so tyrannically by their husbands.

VIII

MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER

3>T is a great thing to have children in our homes in Japan, so a Japanese wife desires earnestly and sincere- ly to be the mother of many children, and she prays to her god every day that a child may be given to her. Sometimes a wife takes an oath before her gods that during a fixed time she will not eat anything on certain days, and washes her body every day. When a child is given, the mother offers a certain amount of money or some other gift as a thank-offering to her god.

As I have stated in the first chapter, the purpose of our marriage is to perpet- uate our family line, which is impossible without a child. For this reason, when a boy is born it will cause great joy ; and

8o

since the wife has become the mother of a child her position will be changed, and she will be kindly treated by her husband and mother-in-law. Even if her husband or mother-in-law dislike her, they would not want to divorce her on account of the child. Sometimes a bad husband will reform for his child’s sake. Children are a great attraction to the husband.

When a child is born we send messen- gers to our relatives and intimate friends to bear the joyful news. Sometimes we send a postal -card to communicate the news. When the news reaches them they come immediately to salute the parents, and bring a present to the baby; or sometimes they send a present with a letter of congratulation. It is a rather annoying custom that any one coming to salute cannot be satisfied unless they see the baby and mother, and enter the sick- room, where she should be resting quiet- ly. It is a great trial and dangerous to health for a mother to receive these calls when in such a delicate condition. She must respond to their salutations, and when they talk she must answer. Many

mothers in Japan break down at this crit- ical time.

Presents for this occasion are general- ly eggs, katsuobuschi (a kind of dried fish), and toys. When the seventh day comes the name is given to the child. It is an old custom to give a boyish name to the infant, and when he is a little grown to give him one more dignified. When he becomes a young man, he gets a name more dignified still. For example, when I was a boy my name was Tdza- buro ; when I was ten years old, my name was Saburo; and when fifteen years old I got this dignified name, Naomi a wom- an’s name in the Bible and in English, but in Japan a man’s name, and meaning “righteous servant.” I know a man who changed his name seven times before he died, but now the Government forbids the changing of names so many times ; so the custom is disappearing.

We have only one name besides the family name ; there is no middle name such as you have. If you examine a list of names in Japan and study the plan of them, you will find out very interesting

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facts. It is very common to call a child Ichiro,” Niro,” Saburo,” Shiro,” and “Goro.” When the first boy was born, they called him Ichiro,” meaning “first one,” and “Niro” will be the sec- ond boy’s name, Saburo and Shiro and Goro follow according to the num- ber. Girls’ names are very pretty. Snow, Flower, Chrysanthemum, Plum, Pine, Bamboo, Glory, Excellent, and Virtue, are common names for women.

There is a most trying custom for a child ; for when he is only a week old, his mother shaves the hair from his head. There is no need to shave an American baby’s hair, for generally there is none ; they are bald-headed like an old man. Japanese babies, without exception, have thick, black hair. Japanese are proud to have black, thick hair. Our hair is gen- erally coarse because we shave it so often when we are young. Our little . girls’ heads are left unshaved, and decorated with red colored silk hair ornaments which we call Kanzashi.”

We are very generous in counting our ages. We do not count our years accu-

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rately as you do. I learned when I was in America that it is very impolite to ask a young lady her age, and even if we asked her, she would not answer. Among us it is not impolite to ask a young lady’s age, though she does not always tell the truth. If you in America ask a person his age, he will answer, My age is twenty-two years, three months, five days,” and possi- bly he puts in the six minutes also ! You are wonderfully mathematical. We sim- ply say that our child is three years old, and omit the month, day, or minute. When a child is born, even if it be the 31st of December, he is a year old, and when the next year comes he is two years old * and when the beginning of the third year comes he is three years old, accord- ing to this counting. In your way, if a child is born on the 31st of December he is one day old ; with us, when the child is really only one year and two days old, we say he is three years old. Therefore we get old faster than you.

When the thirtieth day comes we dedi- cate the child to the gods in the Shinto shrine in the district where he lives. This

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is just the same as baptizing a baby in the Christian Church, and we call it Miya- mairi.” On this day the baby is dressed beautifully with different kinds of silk, and three or four ladies nicely dressed attend it. One of them carries the baby on her arm, and some of them carry a great many toys which were given to the baby by its relatives. When this “Miyamairi” is finished, Kowameshi (bean -rice) will be sent to the houses which sent congratulations and presents to the baby, as an acknowledgment of their favor.

The mother takes great care of the baby, and suckles it every time it cries. The husband does nothing towards help- ing her to look after the baby. Its care belongs absolutely to the mother.

It is very strange to see such a state- ment as the following from Sir Edwin Arnold’s lecture on Japan, which was de- livered in America: From the moment of their birth, during all the years of their childhood, you seldom or never see a child cry, never see a child scolded, and almost never see a child do anything

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wrong. In fact, Japan is the place where you begin to abandon the idea of original sin, for they seem to be born so good.” Is this a poem of the imagination which the poet dreamed in Japan, or is this some- thing which Sir Edwin Arnold has actu- ally seen there ? If this is a poem, I have nothing to say ; but if he claims this as a fact which he has seen, I must correct his mistake. Our baby cries just as much as your baby. Though there are differences between our baby and your baby, the crying part is just the same. We think that the American baby does not cry, the reason being that we do not stay long enough in the family where a baby is. When we see American babies, they are in the streets or in the parlor before guests. Of course our babies cry very little in the street or in the parlor before guests. I am sure the poet says that Japanese babies do not cry because he did not see them except in the streets. I am father of a child, so I am well in- formed on the subject of babies crying in Japan. A Japanese child is just as naughty as an American child.

As Sir Edwin Arnold has stated in his lecture, “the Japanese room is empty, so that there is no stand or chair to break but if there are children in the family, the paper screens or shutters cov- ered with paper, and even the walls, are sure to show the marks of naughty chil- dren. I will show you 100,000 houses in the City of Tokyo where screens or shut- ters covered with paper have ten to twen- ty finger-holes through them. All these are the tricks of naughty boys.

Japanese fathers and mothers are gen- erally controlled by their children. These little ones have a wonderful power over their parents. When children want some- thing or wish to do something, and the parents do not allow them to do just as they wish, or do not give them just what they want, they will cry or scream so that the roof threatens to fall down, and all the neighbors can hear. Few fathers or mothers can stand it, and they will do whatever the children wish. Old peo- ple think that when children cry loudly they will get sick, so they are very sen- sitive to children’s crying. Our children

&7

take great advantage from this idea of old people, and when they wish something they always cry and scream. I am sure American fathers or mothers do not give way to them, however much their chil- dren cry.

It is a perfect wonder to me to see how American children obey their mothers’ commands. When a mother points her finger at them they will stop whatever they are doing. Our mothers have no author- ity to command or control their children, and when they give a command their children do not pay any attention. Then she commands in the name of their father.

When a father goes out to visit his friends and comes home, the children ex- pect him to bring them something. Ev- erywhere he goes he will have cakes ; and it is a Japanese custom, when he does not eat the cakes, to take them home ; so, naturally, the children are waiting for the father to come home with the sweets in his pockets.

It is rather strange to us that an Amer- ican mother goes out alone, leaving her child at home, and when evening comes,

S3

puts the child to bed alone. Our mother never goes out without her children. She takes them everywhere she goes, even to the theatre, and the child does not sleep until the mother sleeps. Our babies like out-door air, so we often see them car- ried out to the daylight on the back of sister, or brother, or mother, or maid-serv- ant. It is quite comfortable and warm for baby.

But one of the great troubles is that the baby’s hair falls down into its eyes and spoils them. This is one reason we have so many blind people in Japan. When a child gets six or seven months old, he tries to eat cake and rice, and when he is a year and a half old, he eats like grown people. Our mothers know very little of the laws of health, so our children are generally very weak. They are provided abundantly with tO)rs, and play a great deal together in the street. Boys and girls have feast-days. The fifth day of May is a great day for boys, and the third day of March is a great day for girls. These days we call Hinamatsui (doll - feast). Almost the whole month

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of January is a playing month. For this reason many foreigners call Japan a para- dise for children, just as we call America a paradise for women.

Our children are taught from child- hood how to read and write. The writ- ing-school and reading- school used to be separate institutions, and the teachers were different ; but now we have a com- mon-school system like that in America. Therefore all children go to school and study as yours do. The educational sys- tem is wonderfully improved since we opened our doors to you thirty-five years ago.

Girls are educated especially in sewing and music. We think that it is a great shame to any woman not to be able to sew ; hence mothers give special atten- tion to this. A good wife does not send the clothing to a tailor ; she will sew for her husband, her children, and herself ; and when, unfortunately, she is separated from her husband by death or divorce, she will support herself by sewing. Wash- ing and sewing are woman’s meaps for supporting herself in Japan. Music is

go

the next branch in a woman’s education. She will learn to play the Koto (the harp), the Shamisen (the guitar), ac- cording to her rank in society. Arrang- ing flowers and making and serving tea are important points in a woman’s educa- tion. Merchants’ daughters are educated in dancing. This pastime is quite differ- ent from yours. Our ladies and gentle- men never dance together. Our girls dance alone with a fan in the hand.

Generally a mother has no properly in her own name, though she brought some from her own home when she was mar- ried ; but her husband uses it like his own property. When the husband dies and leaves property, it does not go to his wife, but to the first son ; and when he is too young, guardians are appointed from his near relatives, who look after his property. The mother has no power over it.

When, unfortunately, a woman is di- vorced, after she is the mother of many children, none of the children belong to her. but to the father. We say that a child is the father’s own property, and

9i

not the mother’s. For this reason, though a woman is treated unkindly by her hus- band and mother-in-law, she will stay pa- tiently because of her love for her children. Mothers in Japan have a strong attach- ment for their children. They are too tender in some ways to the children, and allow them to do about as they wish.

Our children show a great fear of their father, but they show their affection to their mother. The true meaning of love is hidden from us, and we do not under- stand it clearly. We do not say that we love father and mother ; we say that we honor and respect them. This is our home word. Obedience is the cardinal virtue in our home circle. The child must obey the father, and there are three kinds of obedience for a woman : ist. When she is young, she must obey her father; 2d. When she is married, she must obey her husband ; and, 3d. When she is old, she must obey her oldest son.

There is no free-and-easy life for wom- an in Japan until she reaches very old age. Then we call her Go-Inkio-Sama,” and treat her kindly, and provide her

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with a room, and sometimes with a sep- arate house. Her son will provide ali she needs, and she will go every day to the Buddhist temple and worship. She will spend the greater part of her time in temple-going and in theatre-going. If you go to a Buddhist temple you see very few young people, almost none. The worshippers are old people. From this fact we say that religion is simply for old people, not for the young.

We respect old age. It seems to be a very proper compensation that after the wife and mother has passed such hard and troublesome and stormy and sorrow- ful years in her home life, she should re- ceive kind and respectful treatment from her son. Mothers look forward with great anticipation to that time when they will be treated kindly as Go - Inkio- Sama.” Japanese homes are very defect- ive when we take the standard of loving American homes, yet you can see some divine virtue in our kindly treatment of old age.

THE END

By CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER.

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