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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE RECORD OF A COLLEGE FRESHMAN

"By FRANKLIN CUMMINGS

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.... She sed at fullest hite, 'I do not care to danse to-nite,' "

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE RECORD OF A COLLEGE FRESHMAN

'By FRANKLIN CUMMINGS

ILLUSTRATED BY E. D. BILLS

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA

LEDERER, STREET 6" ZEUS CO.

1918

Copyright, 1918 By Franklin Cummings

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APR -6 I9i8 ^Ci.A4S5809

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To

Merlin C. Hooper

Johnnie's Best Friend.

CONTENTS

PAGE

Freshman Rubs ---------7

The Freshman Rally --------8

At The Dance -__.._. -.9 Slinging Hash _.--.__-- 10 Skull and Keys ---------11

The Pajamarino ---------12

Junior Farce Tryouts -- - - - - - -13

The Reception --------- 14

Piping the Flight --_-___- IS

The Opera - - - - - 16

Football and Nellie - -.-._-- 18

National Service -- - - - - -.- -19

The Blues - - - - - 20

Bad Colds ----------21

The Fat Girl ---------23

The Curtain Raiser --------24

Hooverizing --- - - - - - - -25

The Junior Plays ____---- 26

A Rainy Night ---------28

GOODBY -----------30

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

FRESHMAN RUBS

Dere fokes, I got here all O. K. But wisht I mite go back today, For Kollidge don't agree with me, This fact alreddy I can see. Nobuddy waz with awe struck dumm, That I into their midst had cum. They only laff when I go by, And sum of the fellers seem to lie In wait to make me oft perform For them. I seem to have took by

storm The Soffymores who are kwite prowd To show me off before the crowd. And so whenever I step out. They swoop upon me with a shout. And lead me where the world mite see. And poke my ribs with feendish glee. When I got here I wore thet hat Of Granpa Sizer's, and just for that, They pounced on me and hollered,

"Who Let this escape from out the Zoo ?" With dignity I sed, "Be off," Whereby the leader did mildly coff In apology but sed, "On, on, With the merriment." This wazz the

dawn Of my kollidge life. They led me

where Five thouzand peeple with eagre air Awaited my advent, kruel, grim, Reddy to tear me limm from limm. Then the leader sed, "Remove your

cote. And we'll do our best to get your

gote." I had on the blowze you made me,

maw, And the sleevelets that I got from

paw, The purple wuns with the ribbins at- tached. The goods that waz used when your

garters waz patched. This luminary site did fill

My captors with desire to kill, They turned my cote sleeves wrong- side in, The way they abuzed me waz a sin. My shirt tales in the air hung loose, I flapped them gently like a goose. And then they nabbed anuther guy, Whooze jurney in their path did lie, A little feller, short and fat, Who buzzed aroun' just like a nat. They put us on a line together And sed, "Now, Butter Ball and

Fether, Deside by racing which snail go Into the Kem. Pond's slimey floe." So eagre waz I, I lost my hed. And started before the word waz sed. Whereby they giv' mc a handycapp, Az well az a harsh reproovin' rap. But just the same I set the pace, Determint that I shud win the race. The fellers formed a dubble line. Which waz to me a omminus sine. And when we run the gantlet throo, A ringing stinging feeling grew, Where they had paddled az we passed To make us cut the wind more fast. Six times we lapped the oval plot. And now I gasped and felt kwite hot, My kolleegue waz two laps behind, And grinned az if he didn't mind. Fin'lly I stopped for want of breth, And felt that twud be certin deth, But then a Frosh with a cap on came, And saved the honner of my name. I slunk away in the cheering throng, Feeling that I waz did a wrong. And now I brethless live for fear Sich eppisoads all throo the year Will happen. O I wisht that I Back in my attick cot cud lie. I'll write to you agen next week, When of futchur events like theze I'll

speek. Good by, my family, ev'ry wun, I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, Johnnie.

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JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

THE FRESHMAN RALLY

Dere Pa and Ma and Sister Sue, And Uncle Tad and Heinie, too, I wisht that you waz here last nite, There cum nere beein' a pitch-in fite. Those ornery Sophs, thot they wuz

smart, But we had dun our durndest part, And when they yelled, "Bring on

more wood," By blud just biled, I cud hav stood And nocked their heds cleen off their

nex. And Heinie noze I'm hard to vex. It cum about in the Greek Theeayter, The fire wuz wuss than any equayter, And, God, ma, how I biled and swet. My underware wuz ringing wet. Those durned fool Sophs, kept holler- ing "More," And that sure made us Freshmen sore. We cud have fott and licked them, too, We all waz in just sich a stew. But we done rite and let 'em be, But next time, jist you wait and see. An ole man with a beard spoke, And all my patritizm awoke, I wisht that you had bin there, paw, To hear him tell about the "wah."

When he had dun, he made us rize, And sing our anthem to the skies, My throte with feelin' seemed to

choke, And as I sung, my durned voice broke, And then a lot of banjoes played. My feelin's now with joy wuz swayed. I cud have hollered rite out lowd, But there wuz sich a durned big

crowd, I wisht my clarinets wud cum, I'd show them how to make things

hum. The fire wuz low and all wuz dun, We sure had had a heep of fun. And then we did the serpent green, It wuz a site wurth beein' seen. And when we'd sung "All Fail," we

lef And marched away to muffled step. I'm feelin' fine and lookin' pert, I wisht you'd send me my other shirt, And an extry sute of underware, Just so I'll hav it round to spare. Goodby, my family, ev'ry wun. It's aite o'clock and I must run, I am your ever effectshunate son,

Johnnie.

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

AT THE DANCE

Dere family, I am going to write About the danse that waz last nite. I brushed my Sunday Meetin' best, And let my good looks do the rest. I took the girl that lives next dore, At dansing she iz awful pore, I cudn't get her ennywhere. And Lordy, how the men did stare. We reeched the Jim at quarter tew

aite, And I wuz afeard that we'd be late. But we wuz there in plenty of time. The ball begun at haff past nine, My dame and me cud not keep step, I feared she'd spile my soshial rep. And so I left her on a chair And went outside to get sum air. When I cum back I saw a laydy That beat all holler my pore Sadie, So I up and sed, "How do you do ?" She ansered coldly, "Who are you?'' I smiled my best and told my name, And sed she waz a classy dame. To which she sed at fullest hite, "I do not care to danse to-nite." Seein' a womun settin' out. With double chins and sorter stout. Who hankered for the look of pants, I up and sed, "Come on, let's danse," And so I carried her around. And made believe she wayed wun pound.

She nesseled up, I held her tite, We made an awful purty site, The only thing that made me cuss Was everybody bumpin' us, No sooner wud we start out gay Then some one wud obstruct our way. Of course it made me overhet And, Lordy ! how I biled and swet. But still I had a real good time I'm for the wimmen and the wine. The stuff we drunk in paper cups Brought on a case of the hiccups. The liquid made my durned head

swim At dancing I was sure all in. And so we left at haff past ten I wish we'd gone away fore then. For just as I was going out. Some fellow up and tried to spout. He took my last dime fer a tag And said perhaps I'd get the flag. But I was skeered I'd haff to speak And so I out and made a sneek, Oh, yes ! The girl won't speek next

door But I should worry ennymore. There ain't no use a bothering bout These feemales who expect to pout. Goodby, my family, ev'ry wun, It's aite o'clock and I must run, I am your Ever Effectshunate son, Johnnie.

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

SLINGING HASH

Dere Family : I am going to work, Nobody shuld his dooty shirk In times like these when we're at war And everything's gone up so far. Sence I'm too young to join the row And ma don't want me to, nohow, I guess I'll help in other ways, You can't my patrittism faze. I've got a job at slinging hash, Already I have made a mash. The wimmin live on Channing way, I serve two meals for them each day. And in return I get my board And five big dollars for my hoard. I wear an apron pure and white. Between times I can take a bite Out in the pantry where I keep Myself when they've begun to eat. I have to strain my ears a bit To catch the flow of steddy wit That rolls off forty-seven tungs And gasps from forty-seven lungs. I hand it to those wimmin foke At speech they've got all reckerds

broke. There's some that's talking every min-

nit. The others never could be in it If they kept quiet, so they shout For fear that they will be left out. A great thing is the gift of gab. But I don't see how they keep tab Of what the others all are saying When they themselves are likewise

braying ! The wimmin talk of many things — The fat one always lafter brings ; She's real good-natured and don't mind When to her size they're so unkind.

There's one girl who gets many

chances By telefone to go to dances. She's got dark hair and real blue eyes. And as to men she's awful wise. The fone keeps ringing all the time, "Now, if you'd have to pay a dime Whenever you receive a call Perhaps it wud be best for all." Thus spoke the housemarm with a

smile. But most of them it seemed to rile. "That wud be fun and then cud we Enjoy our meat and sip our tea." It was the fattish girl who spoke. But only anger she awoke. "The idea of such an absurd thing," The vampire scd, and then a ring Called her again and as she went Her anger all in smiles was spent. When they had done they up and

sung, My heart in sympethy was wrung. "We'll love thee, dear sorority,'' The words come from the minority. The rest played with their napkin

rings And said at last the unsaid things. I like these wimmin. They inspire My soul to long for things much

higher. Now this is all that I can tell Today as I don't know them well. But next time in my home-bound

letter I ott to know them whole lots better. Goodby, my family, every wun, It's aite o'clock and I must run. I am your ever effectionate son,

Johnnie.

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JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

SKULL AND KEYS

Dere Family : Ask me "Who are we ?" Then anser, "Loyal Skull and Key." They had their running yesterday, So-called 'cause wimmin run that way. These wimmin can't run fast enuff, They're crazy about that kind of stuff. That morning fair each neofite Wuz up and movin', early and brite. They had them dressed in funny

clothes, And made them ware bright kolored

hose. At noon they gave the dames a treat By servin' them their bread and meat. They bust in on us with much noise And most disturbed the house marm's

poys. "We wish to wait upon your table." She sed, "We'll see if you are able." And then they took my tray away And sed "You have a holliday." I stayed, tho, just to see the fun. The girls wuz gigglin' every one. For variety's sake they called on each And made them make a pretty speech. And then they had them danse and

sing. Their kapers sure did laffter bring. That afternoon at haff past three, Agen I saw the Skull and Key. The wimmin flocked out to Cal. Field, Their modesty was unreveeled. Pellanic let them go this year ; They went with mingled hope and

fear. They hoped that 'twould be ruff and

wild, And feared lest it be much too mild. It did one good to see them there In such a hushed expectent air. They squeezed each other in the

knees. And laffed when in cum Skull and

Keys. A saintly fellow led the throng — The man who never did no wrong.

Then cum a cave man big and ruff. The wimmin couldn't clap enuff. There were some fellows dressed as

wimmin. The kind that like to go in swimmin. The first act showed them sound

asleep, Their nighties tucked about their feet. And then they up and, if you please. Their nighties went up to their knees. My feelings shocked, I turned my hed, And blushed with shame and wud have

fled, But the wimmin showed no signs of

leavin. And so I stayed, my shocked sole

grievin. These Alpha Fleas, for it was they. Then hurried out to break the day. By tripping forth to where the Pool Before them lay so green and cool. In nature's garb they splashed around And, strange to say, remained un-

drowned. Then Si, the swimmin man, awoke With fear and rage he almost choke. The rest of the show was just as bad, The wimmin's laffter made me sad. They had one act which was riskay And afterwards they tried to say That Skull and Keys knew naught of

it, But ennyway it made the hit. Where I with shame cud most have

died. The wimmin looked most satisfied. That nite their interest knew no

death — They talked of it in bated breath. And prayed to God on bended knees To bless and care for Skull and Keys. J. ne clock strikes aite and I'll be late. And so no longer can I wait. Goodby, my family, every wun. I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie,

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE PAJAMARINO

Dere fokes, last nite the fire burned

brite, Its flames rose up to quite a hite. The Greek wuz filled up everywhere, The feemale world had gathered there, To watch with fond unmixed deelite The men dressed in their robes of nite. Sence I sleep in my underware, I didn't think that it wuz fare That all the men pajamas wore, I cud with anger most nave swore. It seems the housemarm where I work Is feared lest ther're burglers lurk Around and so she made a plan To make them think she wuz a man. Whereby no nite gown does she ware, But of pajamas dons a pair. I borrowed them for Thursday nite. Their ample folds waz none too tite. But I should worry ennyway. For wurryin' makes the head turn

gray. The rally beat most enny show That ever I have chanced to know. My soal wuz all aglow with zest. In everything I done my best. I yelled and hollered awful loud. And of my singin' I wuz proud. Of all the many golden throtes. Not enny beat my heavenbound notes. Amusement 'twas not ours to hunt. Each class put on a komic stunt. The freshmen's pellican did yawn, And layed eggs rite upon the lawn Wher I wud never dare to lie.

Because the sophs, wud wunder why. The sophomore stunt wuz awful pore. Sum fire works and nothing more. The joonior stunt wuz sure a peach, It represented Neptune Beach, Where all the plump goodlooking

wimmin Layed in the sand and went in swim-

min', Ther wuz one fat one in the brine, To see whose size wuz worth a dime. An organ grinder, too, wuz there, Tne monkey sort of worse for wear. The senior stunt wuz dignified. My fervent heart swole up with pride. Four unniforms great cheers brung, As on the theatre wall they sung. The wind wuz playin' in the trees. And caught Old Glory to the breeze. It wuz a most inspiring site And woke our national pride that nite. A lot of other things took place, For which I haven't any space. The music wuz that syncopated Stuff that makes you animated. The songs were qute and funny too. The speeches short and sweet and few. And now I must at my first chance. Put back my dere housemarm's pants. Else she will think a burgler sure Is lurking round her bewdoir door. Goodby, my family, every wun, The clock has struck and I must run. I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

JUNIOR FARCE TRYOUTS

Dere fokes, there's going to be a play, Thats held each yere on Joonior Day. If I had had an earlier start I think I'd take the leading part, But sense its Jooniors they desire, I'll quench my hot dramattic fire. But just the same its reel amusing To hear them Drama's art abusing. I passed the Ark. this afternoon Some guy was spouting like a loon. Attracted by the sound I went Inside and half an hour spent. There, clustered round the dredded

dore, Were forty wimmin, maybe more. One poor lone fellow kept the peace And soothed them like so many geese. He held a blue book in his hand And tried their pressure to withstand By telling them that soon the dore Wud open to let in some more. And then we felt the building shake And all the world begin to quake. All followed by a roaring sound Which seemed to rumble from the

ground. Our beating hearts with fear wuz

chilled Our minds with strange forebodings

filled. The wimmin shrieked and clung to- gether The Lone Man paled and blamed the

wether. The dore flew open, out there came, A youth, (I do not know his name), Wild eyed, hot cheeked, dishovelled

hair.

A panther coming from his lair. Here wuz the cause of all our fear Alive and reely walking neer, Here wuz our earthquake if you please, Hed'd merely fallen on his nees And stabbed hisself within his heart To show his true dramattic art. The wimmin who had clamered most Were now afraid to leave their post. They argued who would go in next. The Lone Man pleaded, almost vexed. At last one bolder than the rest Announced that she wud do her best. And as she quaking entered first She sed, "I'm reddy for the wurst.'' She madly clutched in one firm hand A paper which she offen scanned. We lissened and her voice was low, The paper trembled to and fro. She red each word although she sed She'd memorized it in her hed. A fat girl followed her, who spoke, Her voice with feeling almost broke. "Ha. Villain, draw now, yield or die !" Her fattish form rose up reel high. Her voice soared up in tragic tones And made me think of skulls and

bones. And so I let them fight it out. To see who cud most nobly spout. I think I'll go to see this play When it cums off on Joonior Day, For I wud really quite adore To see them act the fool some more. Goodby, my family, every wun. I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie,

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE RECEPTION

Dere family, I'm a social bud, Excitement's tingling in my blud ; I've mingled with the very best And think I made a stunning gest. This is the way it cum about My abilities I never dout. The fat girl where I work told me That I a kweener ott to be. I sed, "Come, tell me, little wun, What I can do to start the fun." She spoke, her words wuz grave and

slow, ■ To the recepshun you must go. It's best to go from four to six And then you will avoid the fix Of full dress clothes and Stetson hat," (I thanked the Lord at least, for that). And so, all dyked out in my best, I wuz all reddy for the test. At four o'clock I rung the bell It sounded like a tolling knell. A young dame met me at the dore. And looked reel dubious, to be sure, But just the same I entered in And looked around with sheepish grin. I thought I'd entered Fairy bowers The place wuz full of gauze and flow- ers, The wimmin wuz like fairies dressed. By candel lite they looked their best. They flitted everywhere, so sweet, I hoped there wud be things to eat And then I past down a long line And watched the Freshmen's heds in- cline

A littel as I onward came And heard them misconstrue my name. I sed to each, "It's plesent wether. For us to make Debews together." There wuz one there that I cud tell Wuz going to be a campus belle. But as for that they all wuz fine Rite down the whole ding-busted line. And after that I stood around Until the eats wuz finally found. Some lady brought me up some cake, 'Twuz good but made my stummick

ake. Another brot sum razberry ice. And smiled and spoke to me reel nice. And so the hours whiled away, I stayed until the close of day. At six o'clock the setting sun Set on my social dooties done. The first to cum, the last to go, I'd done my part from hed to toe. And when I passed outside the dore, I'd eaten fore times, maybe more. I guess I shud have went that nite /\gen, the sisters to delite. But felt that I had done my part. So cammed the yearnings in my heart. I like recepshuns and such things For there my soal with plezure sings. I think I always will attend. My time with gauze and silks to spend. In the home town paper put my name And tell about my soshial fame. Goodby, my family, every wun, I am your Ever Eifectionate Son, Johnnie.

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

PIPING THE FLIGHT

Dere family, I am proud to say I'm better looking every day, When I look in the looking glass, Which I always do whenever I pass, I see the handsome look of youth, My mirror always tells the truth. The wimmin where I work do smile And speak real gracious, once in a

while. I think the ones acrost the street Are jealous cause they cannot eat With me around, but just the same, I let them help to spread my fame. They have a Joonier over there Who's pretty tall and passing fair. She's literairy, in a way. And writes Dramatticks up each day. She says that akting I shud try Because my looks wud get me by. Each afternoon I wet the grass And watch the different wimmin pass. A lot live up on Channing way I see them pass in herds each day. And now I've really cum to know Just how to pipe the passing show. There's sum that cum way down the

line. Who mentally are very fine. I think Hell's deemons they cud cure Their faces are so meek and pure. I feel ashamed when they're around And avert my eyes and watch the

ground, And dig my toe rite in the lawn, And wonder why God had me bawn, The wurld being bad enuff alreddy And I so sinful and onsteddy. But those from out the big stone paliss Don't seem to bear me any malice ; I love to watch them as they pass I hand them everything for class. Their freshmen bat a hundred per cent

For studying they wuzz never ment, There's one, a goddess, tall, divine, Deliteful shivers mount my spine. When she goes by. I cud adore To look at her forevermore. And then the ones acrost the street Are also fine, but indiscreet At telling time of day, I'm told. In gathering new ones for their fold. And still I don't blame them for this, When it's an erly hit, or miss. But where I work, I love it most. And of my wimmin always boast, Espechully of the dark-haired wun. Who has all men beneath the sun. Rite at her feet and wanting to marry. And pleading that she will not tarry. I, too, with her wud like to mate And wouldn't mind an erly date. One day when I wuz wetting the grass I saw her leave the house and pass Before me with a lovely smile For which most men wud run a mile. I watched her walk in fond effection And turned my hoze the wrong direc- tion. It chanced a sweet soal up the line Was passing at that very time. Because a wetting she received, She looked reel hurt and almost

peeved. I blushed with shame and hung my

hed. She looked her thoughts, but nothing

sed. I love to watch the wimmin pass As I stand out and wet the grass. So God please keep the rains away And bless them all on Channing way. And now its time for me to run, I am your Jtver Effectionate Son,

Johnnie.

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JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE OPERA

Dere fokes, I am a Operra lover, And henceforth I shall always huvver Around when there are music shows, My enthusiazm to disclose. Last nite to Oakland I did go. To see the Treble Clef's big show, I kweened a wuman who wuz nice And to the evening added spice. Because the distance wuz so far, We had to ride there on a car; Such luxuries wuzn't ment for me But then I had this gal, you see. Our setes wuz in the second row From whence we clearly saw the show. I had a bag of peppermints For I'm a guy that never stints On sich occasions, Goodness no ; On all sides I hand out my dough. The show begun a little late, The kurtain seemed to hesitate, But when it rose, whut did we see But a big ship rolling on the sea. Of course it took no second hints To make me lay off the peppermints. And even so I squeamish felt And rubbed the regions 'round my belt. I prayed as painfully I waited, "Oh, God, don't make me nawsiated," I tried my best those kwalms to chase. And bear the ordeal with good grace. And then a flock of wimmin came And saved the luster of my name. They sang and danced and looked real

pert. As all their charms they did assert. But wun among them got seasick Agen my stummick commenced to

prick, I thot I wud my dame disgrace, But wuz skeart to move, so kept my

place.

At last the hero entered in — A red-haired guy with a happy grin. He sed that he wuz off the girls But when he saw that row of perls. That gleamed frum out Narkisser's

mouth, I knew the plot of "Thirteen South." Narkisser wuz a spritely dame. She's erly won her way to fame. The Klappers sat down front and

cheered And klapped real loud when she ap- peared. There wuz a stewardess on the ship Both strong of arm and big of hip. Who took a lot of exercise, In hopes she might reduce in size. A fashion plate wuz also there, I marveled at whut she didn't ware, But when the ship wuz safely sunk And of the salty brine they'd drunk. And had safely reached a cannibal ile. To be eaten by royalty after while. The native maidens in scanty attire, Appeared, to set my soal on fire. Their soople forms and dusty eyes, Transported me to Paradize. The gambler and the stowaway On them fond looks did also lay. The seasick woman with fear wuz

filled, That she and the others wud all be

killed. And then the stowaway solved the

solution And saved the day by a revolution. And then a white sail did they spy, A welcum ship cum rolling by ; And so all troubles now suspended. The lovers kissed and all wuz ended. The authors sat rite back of me

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JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

I shook their hands in joyful glee And told them how I'd liked their

oppera Especially the part that wuz improper ; At which they smiled and looked real

glad, That I a good time there had had.

I got to bed at wun o'clock And slumbered like a hevvy rock, I dreamed of all those purty girls. Their forms, their eyes, their rows of

pearls. And now it's late and I must run, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

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JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

FOOTBALL AND NELLIE

Dere fokes, tomorrow comes the Game, I hope our luck will be the same As on last Satterday when we beat The Oregon Aggies off their feet. We are all reddy for the fray, Our fiteing team in strong array. Coach Handy Smith has done his best To fit them for the supreme test. My blood is tingling for the fite I can hardly wait jist over nite. At first I thot I cudn't go, I'd spent so much at the Oppera show. For peppermints and street car fares And things which cum up unawares. I laid awake at nites and thot. My joyless feelings wracked and

wrowt. And finally one nite in a dream There cum to me this well layed

skeem. Next day I went, made my confession And got me a job with a peanut con- cession. I'm also selling ice cream kones, I'll shout their koolness in loud tones. And so I'll get to see the Game And get excited just the same Az if I wore a rooter's cap To feebly yell and mildly clap. There'll be sum in the rooting section For whom I won't have enny effection. The kind that make a awful noise When things go smoothly for our boys,

But who, when there ain't any luck, (Which don't mean that there ain't no

pluck). Can only show their gift of gab In one long whining, skunklike crab. Az if they'd have the nerve each day To go out in a kwiet way And get all battered up like hell. When parlor snakes won't even yell For them ; it is a slacker's act To crab, and yet it is a fact That they will do it, sure as sin, Shud onexpected snares begin. And yet I am so sure we'll win, I bet the oppel neckty pin i nat Sis giv me two years ago That Krismas when there wuz sum

snow. Say, Ma, have we by chance enny kin. Named Nellie, with a sliding chin? She claims relationship with me. And I'm as puzzled as can be. I think she's nuts myself, but then Sum wimmin fall so hard for men That they must make them kinsfokes

nere And hang on them and call them dere. But I'll look out and take good keer Of myself, so please, ma, don't you

fear. Goodby, my family, every wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

18

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

NATIONAL SERVICE

Dere fokes, I write with hevvy heart, I feel I haven't done my part About this war. In many ways I've wasted all these preshus days In actin' like a millionaire While they are fiteing over there. To think that I cud go to teas And shows and other things like these, And spend my money for ice cream

kones When Yurope is ailing with the groans Of dying solaiers. O to think That I cud sody water drink And visit movin' pitcher shows While they are fitein' against our foes. It ain't rite, God; no it ain't rite, That I shud fritter while they tite. I'm much ashamed, my konscience

knows. To be a blooming soshial rose While they are going through hell and

fire To raise the plain of freedom higher. About such things as these I worry And now I'm going to tell you a story About a man who cudn't fite Bekawse the Germans held him tite Within a dirty prison camp His mental powers to kill and kramp. He had sum clothes and bread to eat And broken shoes to hide his feet. But what he starved for wuzn't bread Or shoes or even a fether bed. He didn't mind the fizzickle pain But feared lest he mite go insane For lack of things to stir his mind Which is essential to mankind. It drives one nuts to see each day The same gray walls. The battle fray

At least gives akshun and a sense Of fiteing for a cawse immense. But in the prison kamps men die And no one even kwestions why. With neether folks nor comrades nere They die and no one sheds a tear. And those who live do live in vain For most of them will go insane. ■ The man I'm telling you about Wuz desperet so he used to spout Out loud, and also figgers add io keep hisself from going mad. But then he grew to hate his voice And since there wazn't enny choice He sat and thought the live long day Az in his prison kamp he lay. At nite he used to shreek out loud And sob, his head now gray and

bowed. To save sucn men there is a way And so on Nashional Service Day I'm going to do my part and give All tiiat 1 can, that they mite live. A magazine, a book or two Will often pull a sick man throo. 'Tis hard to realize, but true. The miracles that books can do. So henceforth, tho' I come to grief I'll give my all to War Relief, So to the bank I now must run. I am your Ever Effectionate Son,

Johnnie. P. S.—

In my enthusiasm I forgot to say We won the Game the other day. And so I have my necktie pin And the fellow's dollar who didn't win His bet. All these Pm going to give That over there the men may live.

19

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

THE BLUES

Dere fokes, I'm feelin' awful blew But still I'm sure it wudn't do, For me to linger on my sorrow I know I always hate to borrow The greefs of other peeple. So I'l speek no further of my woe Except to say that I wud give Ten years of this life we live To meet the Kizer face to face With no one else around the place. And then for God to give me strength To stretch my arm back at 'full length And hit him skwarely in the noze And all his billious blood expoze. To me it wud give plezure grim To knock the stuffins out of him. His blud thirst takes my friends away, Wun of them left this very day. Kwite soon I'll be the only male To listen to the wimmin's wail. Oh, God, 'twud be a awful day So end the war soon, pleze, I pray. Sence they don't like my youthful look In the army, I think I'll be a cook. For that wud get me over there, And may be I'd reech the Kizer's lair. But now to turn to plezent things. My landlady's dawter loudly sings Both morning, evening, noon and nite, She helps to drive us men to fite, For Unkle Sam she does her bit For men wud rather die than sit Around and hear her high shrill notes The kind that rize from feemale throtes.

Another thing that makes me mad

Iz the way in which these wimmin are

clad. Each time I see a brite pink swetter I think, "Just one more shackled fetter. For Freedom's cawse. Just one more

soal In France is friz for woman's toll." The feemale speshees I know full well And all their vises I can tell. There iz wun kind, the baby type. With fluffy hare and lips red rype. Who hate the thot of sword and gun, Bekawse they won't have so much fun. These are the kind who sometimes

gnit (But not a soldier's chest to fit). Then there are those who hate the war Bekawse it takes some sweet hart far Away. I like these wimmin better, They mostly gnit the thick brown

swetter. Then there are those who know no

wun At war, who could even now have fun. To whom all soldiers are their friends. They use their time to noble ends — Gnitting for men they never knew Ruff men who vile tobakky chew. These are the wimmin I admire Their goodness sets my soal on fire. I sed before that I wuz blew, So will not longer bother you. Goodby, dere family, every wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

20

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

BAD COLDS

Dere fokes, I have a awful cold, My noze is sumthing to behold, Its red and tender to the touch, From having had to blow it so much. No sooner do I get through blowing Than agen my noze iz overflowing. Which makes it very irrytating When one a letter is kreating. I don't see why I caught this cold, I just had had my shoes haft' soled. That it shud cum now iz tew funny. Rite after spendin' out that money. My shoes had holes in them for

munths. And still I never sniffed wunce. My handkercheef iz wringing wet. But it I am a using yet. I hang it on the lamp to dry But still do fear I'll haff to buy Another one to take its place Sence I do need bore blowin' space. I went to bed this afternoon And don't think I'll get up very soon. The housemarm where I work does

spoil Young people. She giv me caster oil She says she makes the girls take sum, When they are sick and feeling bum. And also when they've nawty been And forgot to keep their nites within She holds their nozes and gives them

oil, Which makes their wattery blood to

boil, The fat girl also wuz verry nice And offered me sum good advice. She sed "Whenever your noze is red. Of course you ott to go to bed.

Ef you don't look out, yourself you'll

kill," Sayin' which, she gave me a Kalamal

pill. The dark-haired girl wuz feelin' fine, And give me five grams of kwinine. When I got home my landlady sed "You seem to have cawt cold in your

hed." In feeble protest I arose And sed "It's mostly in my noze." She sed "There's nuthin' so kwickly

halts A cold az a good strong dose of salts." I paled and even my noze turned

green, I shrunk up like a ded sardine. But she wuz firm and had her way I drunk them down, and now I pray "With all this medicine, oh God, Please keep my hed abuv the sod." This sure has been a tryin' week. And now my noze and I don't speak, For it is red and I am blue. And colds disgust me throo and throo. At nite it bothers me the most. For tho with castor oil I'm dosed. My hed gets stopped up on one side, Where breething iz, of course, denide. If I turn over in the nite, Both sides get stopped up good and

tite, And so my mouth takes in the air. And I make funny sounds and swear. I'm all stopped up now, if you please. And so I'll give a final sneeze. Goodby, dere family, every wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

21

"She met the spilt pie unawares."

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

THE FAT GIRL

Dere fokes, the world and me don't

jibe, To the fat girl I wud fain ascribe All manner of dire things big and

small For she's the one who cawzed it all. I've been serving brekfusts there of

late So that my purse wud add on wate. I knew the fat girl wuz kwite big, But when I saw her morning rig, I gasped and thanked the Lord that I Of flesh had much less a supply. She waddled in at quarter tew nine And sed "For wonce I'm down on

time." Az in her chair she softly sunk Into mineyute partikkles I shrunk. Where before I thot three hundred

pounds Wud take in all her whale like bounds I now knew that I'd reckoned low, For over nite she seemed to grow. At lunch she seems to korsets ware, She always has that hitched-up air. Now korsets sure are splendid geer To make fat wimmin thin appear, But far from kumfort-ble, I s'pose. In which one's fatness to repose. And so they only wear them when They are around where there be men. And so my fat girl wares a kimona (The one that Kitty Tubbs did loan

her) In which her form has full expansion And holds one's undivided skanshun. Three chairs must needs her fat form

greet Which creek when them and she do

meet —

And when she's set down, full of

pride, There's still some fat that hangs

overside. She sed from out her seventh chin "I'm on a diet to get thin." She glanced down sourly at her legs And sed "Just bring me scrambled

eggs And a bowl of mush and tosted korn

flakes And some of the Heathen's lethery

kakes And sum koffee" (and then she winked

her eye) "Just slip me a slice of last nite's pie." This skimpy brekfust I did bring. And pitied much the pore little thing. But when I cum to bring her pie With sudden laffter I thot I'd die, And let the plate slip from my hand Which on the dirty floor did land. And then I chilled. All wuz a hush Except her taking in the mush. The pie lay in a gooey heap, I cudn't find a broom to sweep It up so left it there And hoped the fat girl wudn't care. But when she left to go upstairs She met the spilt pie unawares. With a mitey thud she hit the floor. And I flew out the nerest dore. She sets on cushions now, they say, And I'm not loved on Channing way. So fear I'll get my walking papers Bekawse of all these kweer kapers. Goodbye, dere folks, and pray that she Will never chanst to fall on me. And now its late and I must run, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

23

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

THE CURTAIN RAISER

Dere fokes, do you remember the play, I wrote you wuz comin' on Joonior

Day? Next Satterday at the T. and D. This joonior play is going to be. Now I shall be there, you may know, Its going to be a pippin show. There'll be two plays that afternoon, And I shall be on hand kwite soon. The first to greet the theayter gazer, Will be the Nineteen Kurtin Razor. I've seen them praktiss for the show. And so about it all I knoe. It calls for lots of purty girls. The kind that grin and toss their

kurls. The scene iz layed in a sorority house, Where wun of the sisters elopes with

sum louse. At least she thinks she will elope. With her sweet hart by the hung-out

rope. But onexpected things occur. Which cawse her heart no little stir. Now Moner (that's the sweet thing's

name). Will shorely weep her way to fame. In the Fin Alley where she sobs. My hart just akes and brakes and

throbs, But even a bigger tear I'll squeeze For the pore little Freshman on hiz

knees. The kwaking trembling Neofite, Iz being initiated that nite. To the sorority house the kid they've

sent, His inward terrors to augment. But before he reaches the dredded

place,

Sum ornery burgler shows his face. And skeers the sisters haff to death (The awediance here will hold its

breth). One poor weak sister points a gun, At which the others skreech and run. More skeart of it than of the theef. And then the housemarm comes with

greef. And says, "This iz the Nearfight, He's harmless and he dozen't bite." But other sounds of burglers nere, Agen fill up their harts with fear. And so they call the campus cop. And then who on the stage shud flop, But Bertie Jones, the Nereflite, A awful trembling pale green site, Az throo the windoe he enters in. The awedience iz supposed to grin. The cop doze treet him pretty ruff, The kid beeing small and far from

tuff. And then who shud come sailing in. But the lover (God knows where he's

bin). Sweet Moner flys to hiz embrace, A broad grin creeps all over his face, The way she smiles at him so glad. Don't seem to make him the least bit

mad. The plot iz far more complikated. Than in these few words I have

stated. But after all its happily ended. The lovers' arms are titely blended. And then there cums the longer show, About which you will later know, Goodby, my family, ev'ry wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

24

Johnnie's letters home

HOOVERIZING

Dere fokes, what are we coming to, When people do the things they do, How one a hyperkrit can be. And still get by, I cannot see. And yet within our college throng. There's many who are akting wrong, They're peeple here with lots of

money. Who think they're akting smart and

funny, Bekawse they still rich things can buy, When there are places where men die From lack of warmth and lack of

food, While here their comrades still get

stewed, And ete ixpensive fattening things, the kind that muigestion brings. And tho the prices are soaring high, There still are wimmin who can buy. New dresses ev'ry week or so. That they admiring looks may knoe. From those few men that hang

around. But not from me. A sheer well

gowned, In times like these iz out of place, She needn't look me in the face. For I will wilt her then and there. In one long lingering frizzen stare. Then there are those who still can go To the Voracity ev'ry day or so. Since men wont take them ennymore, Ihey say, "You cannot make us sore," And go alone and ete and stuff,

And never knoe when they've had

enuff. They always go to-gether Dutch, And of nut Sundays ete tew much. I knoe one girl (a sister weke), Who never can a sentence speek, Without referring to things to ete. To cold iskream with sirrup sweet. And choklitt malts and walnut fudge. From the Voracity her you cannot

budge. I figured out the other day. That if one month she'd keep away, ' And to Releef the money give, Three babies and a haff wud live, In starving Belgium for a yere. Kept safe from Hunger's nawing fere. But she cud never do without, These things which tend to make you

stout. However there are those who do, I'm proud to say (tho' they are few), They live high up on Ridge Rodeway, (Whence to the Pool they sumtimes

stray). I've seen them pass the Voracity dore. And look, but keep strate to the fore. They send their well erned mites to

France xae soldyure's kumfort to enhance. These kind of girls I love to knoe Az on their lovely paths they go. jjut now, dere folks, I too must go. In writing pleze don't be so slow. Goodby, dere family, every wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Son, Johnnie.

iiiiliiiiiiiiliniiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiitl

25

Johnnie's letters home

iiiiiitiriMiiiiiiriiiiiniiitiiMriiiiiMiiiiiniii

THE JUNIOR PLAYS

Dere fokes, the Nineteen Joonier day Deserves to get a better bowkay Than the kritick with overly tender

mind In the vulgar "low comedy" stuff cud

find. Now as for me, I thot it funny And very much worth while my mon-

ney, To see Mrs. Tubb in her bathing suit, 'ine woman was doing her best to

dilute Herself and so she didn't rush Away and hang her hed and blush. But let us view her ampul form. Which tuk the awedience by storm. The kritick with his sinnickle eye, His ere so sensitive, so shy, Kompletely failed to mentshun sum Of the fokes who helped to make

things humm. In the Kurtain Razor he failed to see The brimming blue eyes of fair Mar-

jorie, Az she gave her frend Enid a last

larewell And eloped with the burglar. He

didn't tell Of the sister who held the pistol tite When the burglar creeped in in the

dead of nite. And he didn't devote a single breth To the cop, who skeart the Freshman

to death. Or the housemarm with her frizzled

hair.

Or the little maid with the chubby air. In the "Medicine Man" he gave all

glory To the overgrown woman of the story. Now Sweet Kitty Tubb had her form

to help out. While other poor mortals who weren't

so stout. Had to work awful hard and use

many ways, To win from the awedience their

small meed of praise. "Ruth Ruin," the nurse sure done her

part well. And even the kritick her praises did

tell. About the songster he was dumm, I guess she broke his ere drum. The skittish widow won my heart. And I am going to take her part. If I'd bin there she cud have had Me for her man and I'd been glad. Of her he wrote not, nor her beaugh, (The handy man, who wuz so slow). He plumb forgot the buggy man. Who after bugs and spirits ran, The worn out woman with the nerves. The French maid running round in

curves. For these oblivion he wud have. But I will bring my healing salve. And paint anew their saddening faces. And save them from the shadowey

places. The greatest krime he perpretrated, Iz still, dere family, to be stated.

26

iiiniiiiMiiniiiniiiMinntiiiiiiiiiitiiiiMitnninniiiirtiiiitiiiiiii

MiiiniiiiiirriiinirniitiMitiiiiiniiiiriniiniiitrniitiiiiiiim

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

The Wun who most held our atten-

shun, The Bewtiful Wun received no men- shun. He passed her by without a word, And this my feelings sure has stirred. Pat Hayden knew that she wuz grand, And luvely, he cud understand. But kriticks, with their dry teckneek, With such sweet things wuzn't ment

to speak. Another thing to my mind now rizes, Twuz when Kitty Tubb took her ex- ercises, He plumb forgot, az she danced her

jig, How she danced too much and lost

her wig, And another time he wuzn't aware. That one of the girls had tipped in

her chair, And balanced in mid air and most cum to greef,

Perhaps these were all in his un- written leaf. But jist the same, the show got by, And folks have praised it to the sky. The authors sure can feel reel proud, I wisht that God pore me had en- dowed With sum of the brains that they

have got, I'd fire the world and make it hot. I'm glad I saw the Joonier plays, I'll think of them and laff, always. But now, my lengthy discurse ended, I hope our smypethies are blended. May kampus Kriticks here take heed, And may I never never read, Agen the kind of stuff, I pray, That in the Cal. I red to-day. Goodby, dere family, ev'ry wun, I am Your Ever Effectionate Son,

Johnnie.

27

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME

A RAINY NIGHT

Dere fokes, last nite I kweening went, Whereby my money all wuz spent, Except ten cents which I did save By using the koopons that they gave At the Joonier Farce for the T. and

D. That folks their pitchers mite go to

see. It started off a lovely nite, That moon wuz sure a pretty site, I wore my new sute and my hat And my black and yellow silk kra-

vatte, And the brand new handkercheef

that I bawt. When to stop my cold I vainly sawt. And my purple socks and my under- ware And sum lilack water in my hair. And my spotted vest and my gold

watch chain. For I never knew it wuz going to rain. My lady also looked her best. In all her finery she wuz dressed. She wore her big red hat and skirt. And silk stockings and a pink lace

shirt, One glove she karried in her hand, The other being lost, I understand, I sed, "You are a spritely Jane," She sed, "Do you think its going

to rain ?" I sed, "You needn't worry, kid," She sez, "Spose the tacksy kab shud

skid." "Look here," I sed, "Cut out this

tawk,"

"You know darn well we're going to

walk." She lamped me with a injured eye. And sed, "If you're kross, I'm going

to kry,'' I sed "Come damsel, kan the noise. Or else I'll lose my mental poyze." She sed, "You are a funny feller. You haint e'en brot me a umbreller," I feared to wet my brand new sute. And so we took her bumbershoot. Twuz pink and had a broken handel, By mine it cudn't hold a candle. But sence I'd left mine safe to hum, When I in the rainy nite had cum, I cudn't say so, but I smiled. And even so my dame wuz riled. The movies had a rotten show, That nite, but still the steddy flow Of konversation from my dame Kept me from knoeing the sheepish

shame. Of those who sleep and nod their

hed. And make their pardners get reel

red. When it wuz over we went outside, And then I thought I wud have died. For it wuz raining cats and dogs And snakes and bugs and hopping

frogs, I never seed it rain so hard. And now our plezure sure wuz

marred. The parasol opened, I most did choke For two of its tender ribs wuz broke. I held it to-gether the best I cud.

28

Johnnie's letters home

But still it didn't akt the way it

shud, We started out bravely in the rain, I tried to hold it up over the Jane, But she, ongrateful thing, did say, "You always have things turned your

way. It blew so hard, we had to stop In the front dore of a baker shop, The things in the window warmed

my heart. But it slackened up, so we had to

start Agan for home, and now afresh. The rain pinitrated to our flesh. My shoes wuz drenched with Heav- en's tears, That my sute wuz ruined I had grate

fears. When we reached home at haff past

nine. We both wuz reddy to hang on the

line.

The parrysawl wuz a pittifull wreck.

But reely I didn't care a speck,

My dame cawt her deth of cold, I

hear, But I'll shed no tears at her bier, I'm thinking of my sute and hat. And socks and other things like that, They've shrunk until they can't be

worn. And I of my koverings now am

shorn, I fear my soshial life iz ended, For all my money iz expended. So pleze be sure to send me sum, Or else I'll have to stay to hum, And live in my nitegown all the time. And exist on my one poor mezely

dime. Goodby, dere family, write and save Your son from out a waterry grave. I'm thinking of you, ev'ry wun, I am your Ever Effectionate Sun, Johnnie.

29

JOHNNIES LETTERS HOME

GOODBY

Dere fokes, I'll sune be home again, And I'll have lots to tell you then, About my kolledge life here spent, My goodness, how the time has

went ; The hour to say "Goodby" is near, The exes, will usher me out, I fear, The melankolly days have cum, The saddest of the yere. I'm glum To think that they'll foretell the

doom Of wun who did so britely bloom, Espechully in Sosiety, I've gained much notoriety. I've been a kweener, I'll admit, With the wimmin I have made a hit. The ummage that to me they've fed, I fere did almost turn my hed. But later there cum a Revellation, It cum in the form of a starving

nation. Sense then I've layed the wimmin

by, And sharply hushed their playntiff

kry, Which rose when I sowt nobler ends, Uv my previuss folly made amends. I am a patriot now, and preech My thouts to all those I kin reech, I skeer the wimmin haff to deth. Whenever I take a full deep breth, And look with skorn at their brand

noo dresses. At the Rhine stones in their frizzled

tresses. When I enter the Voracity they

almost fly, So skeart they are that they'll meet

my iye. But on the hole they're fond uv me. Most ev'ry day this fact I see, When the war iz over agen I'll try- To play with the wimmen, by and

bye. But things don't now look enny too

brite,

For an early end to the ornery Fite, Eech day there leeves a maskiline

face, The kampus iz now wun dreery

place, A few good guys still hang around. But they, I fere, will not be found Here long, except a few uv us Who are too young to fite and kuss, And others who have funny iyes And are, perhaps, too small in size. A grate big tear fills my iye. When I cum round to saying "Good- by." No longer kan I go each day, And do my bit on Channing Way, No longer kan I spill mince pies. And see fat girls from the goo

arise, No longer kan I go to teas. And with the wimmin feel at eze. No more kan I buy peppermints. And have my noze dun up in splints, When a Kold has cum to visit me, And made for my wimmin a site to

see. No longer kan I brave the rain, (Thank God I'll not do this again), It brakes my hart to say Goodby To eech strong frendship and eech

tie; I don't mind so much the bookish

Nollidge, For friends are the big thing here

in kollidge. Its leaving " them that makes me

sore. For many wont be here ennymore. I hope the Jvizer's blood iz spilled. And that none of our Kollidge boys

iz killed, Goodby, dere folks, I'll see you soon, Within the passing of a moon, I want to see you ev'ry wun, And always am Your Effectionate

Son,

Johnnie.

30

OF CONGRES^„