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Matrimonial Primer

First Lesson in Designing

Matrimonial Primer

by V B. Ames with a Pictorial Matrimonial Mathematics & Decorations by Gordon Ross

Paul Elder and Company Publishers, San Francisco

Copyright, 1905

by PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY

San Francisco

$

The Tomoy* Press San Francisco

TO

H. S. A.

THE WISEST WOMAN I KNOW

167623

UNIVERSITY

is for Announcement, Our modern pagan

way Of publishing the wedding

bans Anent the happy day.

If you are looking for a wife who will be as pliable and responsive as clay in the potter's hands, you'll have to dig her up from foreign soil.

A lover is an indulgence; a husband a confirmed habit. Acquire only a good one.

167623

The woman who charmed you with her bright, vivacious wit may not be able to keep it up three hundred and sixty-five days in every year. You were a stimulant, but you've become a steady

diet.

•

How beautiful is love! How perfect it seems with all its illusions, delusions and dreams!

Addition Ex. : One added to one = I

is the Bride, all else beside Doth strangely take to

flight; The strains begin from

Lohengrin, And the world drops out

of sight. Her soul seems lost, till the

gulf is crossed That their two souls

divide ; Old shoes and flowers and

rice in showers To earth recall the bride.

Don't marry a man thinking you can smooth him down or rub him up to your ideal. If he does not appear ideal to your blind love, better leave him to some one more blind.

You'll probably never be called upon to lay down your life for your wife, so

you might as a tender substitute look pleasant, don your dress suit and ac- company her to her club reception.

Don't be a valet to

your

husband.

is the Ceremony, long or

short,

According to their lon- gitude or creed; The man is always bored, By the maid it is adored, And for both it fills a long-felt need.

Probably you intend your wife to have some money; it might be con- ducive to intelligent expenditure if she knew about the amount.

If you have a large and generous impulse, and wish to give your wife a present and are not sure what she

would like, you had better give her some personal attention until the a b c's of her tastes and preferences are known to you.

If by any rare chance your husband is a good talker, you will shine best as a listener; if he isn't, give him an op- portunity occasionally to practice.

Don't wear callous places all over your husband's tender heart by inces- sant demands upon his attention and sympathy.

might stand for Devil, Or Dakota or Divorce,

Or for Duty to each other That insures the happier course.

Absence may make the heart grow fonder; presents have been known to have the same effect.

Don't be satisfied with just keeping the wife — keep her love, by about the same methods used in winning it.

Jenny Wren once said to her mate, "How loud and conspicuous Miss Lark is!" Johnny Wren strained his ear to catch her every twitter.

"How ridiculously fat Mrs. Robin has grown!" Johnny took admiring note of her curves.

"What a disgraceful flirt Miss Blue- bird is ! ' Johnny returned her coy salute.

"What a terrible reputation Mrs. Blackbird is getting ! " Johnny immedi- ately investigated for himself.

Subtraction Ex.: One taken from one leaves "X"

is for Ever, as each fondly

thinks His love can never grow

less;

And above in the blue Is one star for the true Who love but one love and that bless.

It's unwise to assume that your own gray spots will escape attention merely by painting the other fellow with black

ones.

As long as man seeks his mate and proposes the union, lack of felicity im- peaches only his judgment.

If you marry a sweet young maid of half your years with the idea of edu- cating her to a similarity of tastes and companionableness for declining years, ten to one Cupid will start a rival kin- dergarten not far along your life's way.

Perfect frankness as to your financial standing will remove the temptation to secret expenditures for your own, and extravagant ones for your wife's pleasure.

for Flowers and Fortune, Fair days and Faithful

Friends; Full measure of life and

love, and Faith till the story ends.

You may hope to influence your husband's politics, religion, business, but don't tamper with his pronunciation.

If the soul of the woman did not appeal to you, regardless of its covering of clothes or flesh, you deserve disap- pointment, and will doubtless get it.

You can make a selfish, inconsiderate, dissatisfied husband out of a perfectly kind and amiable man by performing menial services that any healthy, self- respecting man should do for himself.

To desire your wife's happiness amounts to mighty little, unless you are willing it shall be accomplished in her way.

is the Groom ; to under- stand The laws that govern a

match,

You stand in a row all the men that you know, And at leap-frog incite

each back. Your eyes tightly

bind

Until you are blind — Grab a frog and call it a catch.

A partnership of lives involves a shar- ing of liabilities as well as profits.

Clinging vines and business imbeciles are out of fashion as wives. A course in commercial law or social economy is a valuable matrimonial asset these days.

Two positive matrimonial opinions are apt to have a negative effect on harmony.

Before your marriage did it ever occur to you that your dressmaker's awful and ruinous blunders, or the rapid and unwarranted dissolution of the parlor rug, or the unsatisfactory method of tradespeople, or the exact location and condition of your corns, were just the sort of topics for a man's perpetual home entertainment?

Multiplication

begins a trinity

Of words that have one

soul —

Heaven, Home, and Hap- piness All play a single role.

If you married your husband without compulsion, be his companion without reservation.

Even the promise to love, honor, and obey does not make imperative instant repetition of all your friends' little con- fidences.

A little love is a dangerous thing.

Use your best conversational powers occasionally at your own dinner table.

is a lonely pronoun,

Retired from active use,

While ive works overtime, And the Union allows the abuse.

Can your wife acquiesce in the follow- ing sentiment — "The married woman is the only one who is always sure of her beau"?

There are nagging women and pro- fane men; it is hoped they will all marry each other.

Many a man has won a woman's love and later lost her respect. To keep the latter is always the finer and more vital accomplishment.

Few women admit half their physical suffering; be generous with your sym- pathy.

recalls the Jars and Jangles Of the Joneses over the

way, And the countless family

wrangles

Overheard most any day. Do you shudder at the

prospect ? Not a shudder; nor did

they. Are not you love's true

elect ?

Ah, no, just the same old clay !

A woman who appears at the break- fast table hideous in curl papers and sloppy wrappers must think she has married a blind man or a sand burr.

A woman can easily overdraw on her husband's sympathy; it is one of his short assets.

If you can act as your husband's cook, laundress, housekeeper, tailor, and barber, and still have time to keep abreast of his intellectual wants and pursuits, well and good ; otherwise, sac- rifice a few of the above to companion- ableness.

Try and discriminate between cour- tesy and caresses; the latter are as out of place in public as kimonos and car- pet slippers.

Division Ex.: 'Two divided by one = o

is for Kisses, — It also stands for

Kitchen ;

Their relative importance Needs no mathemati- cian.

Try and appear conscious that the domestic machinery is running smoothly before the opposite condition arrives.

The ceremony that made you a wife has no charm to keep your husband's love; that is done by your own per- sonal charm.

Every self-respecting husband should have a private code known only to himself. On the way down town he makes the following memoranda: r s — , 7 k: p d q ; and Brown, in the next seat, infers that Black is composing a cablegram to a Berlin banker, when he is only promising himself to pay the dog tax, leave his wife's gloves at the cleaner's, and be home promptly for dinner.

How did you entertain this man before your engagement? Try some- thing similar after marriage.

ove takes a hand of each, And they wander afar

and away; And never again To that maid and man Can life be as yesterday.

When you are married, be a good comrade, if it breaks every canon of your church and ancestry.

A man should be willing to use the same sort of ability in his position as head of the family that he does as head of a firm.

For a wife who whines, or a husband who sneers, there is no sort of marital salvation.

You and your wife and your check- book should be a committee on finance that meets monthly with closed doors.

is for Money and Mothers- in-law, And Millions of other

Mistakes That every fond relative

clearly foresaw, And mentions each time for your sakes.

Of course, your wife has flowers every day if you smoke more than one El Sidelo.

When your husband seems willing that all the economy shall be at the home end, insist upon laundering his shirts yourself.

If you are morally, aesthetically and financially certain that your wife ought to enjoy a new Persian rug for your den more than a box for grand opera, don't be too confident of the charms of Persia.

Don't give your husband a back- comb for a birthday present.

w is the appointed time, The time for song and

laughter; For love and joy and

deepest bliss, For selfless thought and

holiest kiss, For kindly word and

gentle way, Forbearance, faith and

courtesy, — The time to dream of after.

Did you really have foremost in mind and at heart the woman's happi- ness when you married?

Tandems came in with some other foreign ideas; a span is rather more our American idea in matrimony as well as horses.

It is barely possible that you have a wife who would prefer a daily letter during your absence to some new bau- ble on your return,

Never ask your wife why she doesn't

get a dress like Mrs. . Unless they

are twins, the effect of following your suggestion will appall you and mor- tify her.

is for Optimism,

That leads you to be- lieve

That two can make one; May it ne'er take its leave!

Be entertaining to your husband, or some other woman will.

A woman may hold out and even wax stronger in spite of your financial failure or a deformity that overtakes you, but just sicken and die in the face of uncouth table manners.

A wise woman sometimes leaves her husband long enough to increase his appreciation, but not long enough for him to seek consolation.

Even matrimony does not preclude individual brushes and towels, and, oc- casionally, opinions.

is the general Public, And the Public gen- erally knows About everything it

shouldn't

Except where to keep its nose.

Beat your wife in private, but don't mortify her in public.

A quail once said to her mate: "Bob, dear, do get home before sun- down, and don't forget the wheat for breakfast and the milkweed down for the new nest, and match these blue-

berries at the upper corner bush, and some wool tags from the stony pasture fence, and — " and Bob White has gone without kissing her.

Don't always be talking of your hus- band's devotion. It makes less fortu- nate women hate you and the rest disbelieve you.

If you dislike her friends and she does not like yours, move into a boarding-house and then neither will have any.

Compound Proportion

begins the Quarrel

That neither one began; That was altogether his

fault

If she had been the man.

If all admiration and interest shown by other men toward your wife is dis- tasteful to you, why not insist upon her wearing a tin mask ?

Adjust your mood to that of your mate, but don't ever expect him to reciprocate.

Possible shipwrecks make such inter- esting reminiscences if you only survive them. Do not rob your matrimonial voyage of all incident by jumping over- board in the first squall.

introduces Relatives

You never knew before ; And some bear a close

resemblance To the ancient scrip- tural poor.

If a man's people are distasteful to you, better not make them relatives, unless you contemplate the field of foreign missions.

If the sunshine of perfect frankness does not dispel the first misty misun- derstanding, a London fog may gather.

The guests at your table should be chosen with a view of compensating your husband for much pleasant inter- course with men and women, otherwise sacrificed by his marriage.

stands for the Solemn

Silences That often between you

lay, When hand clasped hand

in the twilight, And you felt what

neither could say.

In the formula for matrimonial hap- piness, any satisfactory substitute for self-forgetting, self-effacing, self-sacri- ficing love has never been obtained.

Devotion of the genuine brand will make wrinkle remedies and rouge a drug on the market.

Every new home is a chemical lab- oratory that may run to explosives or spiritual radium.

If you want everything as your mother used to make it, you will, of course, be willing to imitate her father in the size of your vest, checks, etc.

PAKTIES WITH. oniMin OR DOto ROD noi

APPLY

Simple Fractions

A problem which intending students of this work must not ignore

ruth is the roof-tree's

shade, Truth is the brook that

flows,

Truth is the light heaven- made, Truth is the warmth

that glows; Truth is the soul, the

spirit, the all That breathes through the home, unless it fall.

If your assets are broad culture, and his are business integrity and capital, the ethical success of the partnership lies with you.

Not two wives in a thousand but what are absolutely true in thought and deed, but, being women, masculine at-

tentions are dearer than myrrh and sweet incense. Give yours the best domestic article, and fear no foreign competition.

If you have managed to invest your husband with the infallibility of the Pope, don't force your opinion of him too persistently upon the general pub- lic; they may have met him before.

is the Union

That typifies the whole Universe of matter

And Unison of soul.

Do exactly the same qualities give you exactly the same pleasure after you have married them? Well, you were old enough to have known it.

Wear whatever your husband gives you, even if it is a candlestick for your back hair.

You shouldn't have married him unless you were willing to live in a dugout in Nebraska on salt mackerel and corn bread for the sake of living with him; and if such is the case, a shortage in the millinery allowance won't cause any domestic gloom.

stands for all the Virtues That each in the other

admired; And another score or a

hundred more Each found must be acquired.

You may be a regular Napoleon of finance and a modern Alexander in manipulating men, but try introducing a raw Swede girl to a coal range, the ice-box, the basement laundry, the attic bedroom and the electric bells and speaking-tubes — and then go into exile at Elba or Elmira.

Be sure that your husband carries each day the impression that he left at home that morning the most charming, cheery, freshly gowned woman in the city.

Unless you are especially favored with money, strength and the devotion of servants, some of the domestic tradi- tions will have to be sacrificed, and it behooves you to decide early which shall have precedence — your husband's convenience, your own culture, or im- maculate housekeeping. There are six possible variations of the order, but only one produces harmony.

UNIVERSITY)

A Problem in Decimals Ex.: .80*$+. 20-*=?

oman and Wine and

Woe, A Wife and Work and

Weal—

They each give pleasure In different measure, As the false or true appeal.

If you selected your wife because of her style, don't growl when the styles change.

Having deprived your wife of all other legitimate male escort by mar- rying her, you can hardly in honor do less in that line than when the field was open to others.

If you have a quick temper, don't begin your first housekeeping in a flat — take a house with a coal and wood cellar and furnace. These fur- nish a means of working ofFany amount of indigestion, grouch and profanity.

is the Ten you lost just

when The coal in the bin

was low; Or it may be the bill that

went to fill Her soubrettity after

the show ; Or possibly, now, it played

that cow Called the favorite on

the track;

Or it may be was caught where Horatio fought,

At the bridge, against the whole pack.

Elevate your husband's sports by participating in them.

If you have married a man with sporting tendencies, don't expect him to cheerfully substitute a symphony concert for some Lou Dillon event.

Don't take all elasticity out of your husband's purse by keeping your hand

in it.

No gentleman compels his wife to live in a blue haze of tobacco smoke or a conversational atmosphere laden with the rococco doings of his fellows.

is the Youth that lingers Long where love doth

dwell ;

Though the hair be white And eyes lose sight, Youth sings in the

heart, "All's well."

The most interesting book you can ever put in your wife's hands is a bank- book in her own name.

When you can use railroad graders in your laboratory, cowboys for bank clerks, chimney-sweeps for bookkeepers, blacksmiths for stenographers, — then

attack the domestic servant problem that your wife possibly has not handled with entire success.

The firm conviction held three hun- dred and sixty-four days in the year that you've said an extravagant number of fond, foolish things to your wife is more comfortable than the entertain- ment of genuine remorse for five min- utes.

Your judgment may be good about selecting gowns, but if it is really good, you won't use it.

may stand for Zero ; In spite of the axiom

taught That in marriage two are

one, The result is often

naught. Compound your interests

daily, Subtract all fear and

doubt, Multiply your joys, add

more love;

The sum's worth figur- ing out.

LIFORNIA LIBRARY