Frontier Soldier
Rex!
Monroe!
Monroe?
Monroe!
That's not the way we do it in the army.
Come here.
Now you listen to me, you fleabag.
He's only kidding us, Geechee. He loves you, can't you see?
Kidding, huh? I'll make the jokes around here. Get that.
He's only imitating you, Geechee. Huh, Monroe?
What do you mean?
On the enlisted men's obstacle course.
Or yesterday he saw you do the same thing.
That's different. Don't smile.
That's better.
I said don't smile, it's no laughing matter.
Go on, jump the fence, boy.
Yeah, on a double.
Rex!
Hey, what are you guys trying to do to our dog?
What do you mean, what are we trying to do to your dog?
That broken down mutt's going the wrong way.
Monroe's adaptable, he does like he's told.
Does like he's told, huh?
Yeah, Ira's right. Monroe's a pretty smart dog.
We ask him to take the fence backwards, he does so.
Yeah, let's see your dog take the fence backward.
You think he can't? I know he can.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah!
Champ! Backwards! Jump!
Hey, Geechee, you won it by the old man.
The colonel, and boy is his hair burning.
Oh, but what? We haven't done anything.
I don't know if it's you or Nutsy Fagin here.
His name is Monroe.
Okay, Monroe, come on, cop out.
What have you done now?
That Monroe dog, it's not enough that you took my little baby away from me
and made her a service wife.
It was 25 years ago, mother.
Oh, but now you've gone and gotten yourself assigned to this insane war dog thing.
The K-9 Corps is vital to our national security and war and peace.
That's what you've said many times.
We perform many services that are necessary to the conduct of the army, mother.
Trailing, tracking, working with the medical corps, combat guerrilla work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's damaging to the happiness of pussykins.
That Monroe dog, you've got to do something.
It's him, army, and pussykins.
Hello, pussykins.
Hello, Monroe.
Hello, baby. Stop that, you bad doggy.
You. Hello, Ira, dear.
Hello, Selma.
You know, you're getting more like him every day.
There are certain areas of difference, baby.
Yes, I know. He's capable of faith and trust, like Ira.
Do you buy that act?
I do. He's sincere.
He's a rat. He's treacherous.
He's two-faced under an innocent exterior.
But I'm straightening him out.
The colonel's very cranky this morning.
Something about his mother-in-law's cat.
I will handle this matter personally, my lady.
Meow.
Meow. Meow. Look out, pussykittens.
Meow. Meow.
Monroe, take that out.
Meow. Meow.
Get him, dog.
Meow. Meow.
Get over here.
Meow. Meow.
Get him, Monroe. Get him. Get him. Get him.
You know what you've got us into.
Kiska.
That means guard duty in the Aleutians.
The North Pole, practically.
It's cold in the winter and cold in the summer.
You never get to see the sun, Monroe.
And they got no trees.
And if the colonel gets his way,
we'll be pulling guard duty up there
till 1999 at the very least.
Look ashamed.
That's enough.
He's inhuman.
He's had the best education money can buy.
He's been psychologically sifted,
graded, oriented, and tested.
When I stop to consider it,
he makes me feel downright inferior.
Yeah? Do you like to chase cats?
He's inhuman.
Leave me alone. I gotta think.
It's no use.
I got it.
What?
You know all that stuff they taught us
in the K-9 Corps special training school?
Pavlov's dogs, conditioned reflexes.
Yeah, but those systems, they...
Takes too much time, right?
Right.
Now, we've got exactly 48 hours
to have those Arctic orders rescinded.
So, we'll utilize the scientific principles
by which I taught my little brother, Augie,
about this business of life.
See, when Augie was 10 years old,
he wanted to smoke.
I went down to the neighborhood candy store
and I bought him a big fat cigar, about that long.
I shoved it in his mouth, struck a match,
and told him to take a nice, big, deep draw.
Beautiful.
Inhale. Nice boy.
I smoke it right down to the butt.
That's it. I chew on it.
That kid didn't touch tobacco in any form whatsoever
until he was almost 15 years of age.
And that was in a tough neighborhood.
Chewed on it?
Swallowed it.
Now, Monroe, like you were my own brother,
I'm gonna break you of chasing cats.
You're gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna break you of chasing cats.
Yes, sir.
You're gonna chase one more pussycat.
And then you're never gonna chase another pussycat
as long as you live.
How, Gigi?
The Augie system of instant education.
Pass me the yellow pages.
We're gonna get you a great big...
Lion?
This is a very unusual request, gentlemen.
Therefore, my terms are strictly cash.
So you're a real lion tamer, huh?
No. Uh, yes, yes.
I was an assistant handler.
The real lion tamer is inside.
Oh, inside the next room?
No, inside the lion.
I make with a little joke.
Make with a little joke.
Gigi, will you stop worrying?
You're with me.
Are you sure you can control?
My friend, Corporal Bobbitt here and myself
have been trained by the United States government
in the handling of animals.
Wild, domestic, and otherwise.
You got no faith in us,
you got no faith in your country.
And if you got no faith in your country,
then, buddy, maybe we better see about
having you investigated.
Oh, wow!
Come on, gentlemen, follow me.
Here we are!
Well, see, these gentlemen want to take you on a little job.
But don't worry.
They are government-trained experts.
Ain't that reassuring?
Is he used to being around people?
Oh, yeah, all around them.
Gigi, I think we better go.
No!
This is the tape liar.
His name is Fabian.
With Satan I used to ride around in parades,
but only in the cage,
because he is a man-eater.
But Fabian is a real gentleman.
An Ivy Leaguer.
Achtung!
Open the cage!
Hey, the army can use a man like you.
There's a loading platform right outside the door.
You know, with my experience,
they should make me a captain or a major.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to walk
in the old neighborhood pool room like this.
Fabian, baby, you and I are buddies.
Take these restraints away, my good man.
Fabian and me, we understand each other.
Well, Gigi's awfully good with animals,
and you better believe it.
Goodbye, Fabian. Have a good time.
See you later, General.
General?
Well, time for your dinner, Satan.
You're not Satan.
You're Fabian.
You're Fabian!
Goddamn them.
I've given them the wrong line.
Stop sign. Stop sign.
Ira, he's a doll. A living doll.
Maybe we get rid of Monroe, huh?
Oh, we couldn't do that, Geech.
Basic, kid.
What can Monroe do that Fabian can't do?
Bark?
Say something sweet, Fabian.
Anything you say, baby.
Go ahead.
Hello, Benson.
Okay, okay. Yes.
And get that dog a haircut!
Fabian, this'll only take a minute.
Then you and I have a date, baby.
I'm gonna buy you a malted milk and 200 hamburgers with the works.
Where's that Monroe?
Corporal Bobbitt's giving him a bath, sir.
All right. But be careful.
Come on, pussycat. That's a nice pussycat.
Gotta make a nice track for the big, bad doggy to follow.
Doggy to follow.
We're all wise guys.
Come on, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Doggy to follow.
Fabian, can you hear me?
It hurt me.
You think it'll work?
It's costing me out of my own pocket, sir. What more can I say?
We have to be very careful. Dog lovers, a whole nation full of them.
One word of adverse treatment, guess who gets it in the neck.
Hello, Monroe.
All right, explain it to me again.
I'd be glad to, sir.
This is point A.
That is point B.
Monroe is now in condition A,
to which, sir, he likes to chase cats.
It's for your own good, Monroe.
Be honest.
Colonel, we got the wrong lion!
You're telling me.
There is a lion loose in this camp,
a savage, man-eating, jungle beast.
And you know what they'll be asking in Washington
if this leaks out.
Yes, sir, Colonel.
They're going to wonder how come you let the lion loose on the base.
Kiska isn't far enough.
It's little America for you and you and whatchamacallit there.
The Army can do what they want with us.
But if they lay one hand on this dog,
the SPCA will be down on your throat
before you can say, caught, Marshal.
Don't say that!
I have a solution which will apprehend the beast sooner than you can say...
Billy Mignon.
And signed by the Colonel, too.
Will wonders never cease.
Now that you've had your laugh, Sarge, hand over the meat.
When I think of all the routes you've taken in
trying to scrounge steak out of me,
all the imaginary diseases you've made up for Monroe
that can be cured only by the fine and the choice,
this is far and away the best.
There's this great big lion...
Shh!
Oh, a great big lion.
Splendid, Corporal.
You're really making my day.
Oh, Charles.
Charles, these gentlemen say there's a great big lion in the camp.
Isn't that exciting?
And we're to deliver, uh, uh, how much was it?
Oh, yes.
25 pounds of choice...
Like it says.
It's all very simple.
We got the bell here.
Once more, let's go through this.
We got the bell here.
This wire runs around the building.
It connects to the thing.
One ring, you pull up.
Two rings, you let down.
Got that?
One ring up, two rings down.
One for up, two for down.
Beautiful.
I'm glad I got through the fifth grade
so I can understand these very, very complicated procedures.
Like all brilliant schemes, sir,
it's breathtaking in its simplicity.
The lion will presently become hungry.
Right now, the scent of this meat under the net
is wafting about the camp.
And sealed inside is a button that leads to this wire
that leads under the barracks to the operator on the other side.
When the lion goes...
The bell rings, the net closes, and up she goes!
You mean all a lion has to do is touch the meat like this?
Wait, sir, I'm...
Soldier, you have your hands on an officer.
Sorry, sir.
No, Monroe!
My...
SNARLING
Let's go!
SQUEALING
If it takes a million years!
At least they make up their mind.
Like all brilliant schemes, Colonel, it's breathtaking in its simplicity.
Maybe I should have complicated it a little bit more.
Well, I think it was complicated enough, especially when the crane got stuck.
Faulty equipment. Am I to blame?
The Colonel thinks so.
If something goes wrong, we get hung up in the air for an hour and a half, it's my fault.
What am I, a saboteur?
Kitchi?
What?
Let's give up.
What are you talking about?
Give up and go to Kiska.
No chance.
My mother always told us it takes a truly brave man to admit his mistakes.
That's the easy way. Smile, think, and take action.
Look the Colonel right in the eye?
Correct. Otherwise, all is lost.
How's the time?
We're due there now.
What do you do when they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar?
I'm innocent.
You drop a live hand grenade during arms inspection and it goes off.
I didn't do it.
You do something stupid, they give you a medal and a new stripe.
I was robbed.
Beautiful. You're learning fast. Come with me, we're going to go see the old man.
If anybody harms a single viscon, my cat, I'm going right to the top.
I'm going to the commander-in-chief.
1600 Pennsylvania, haven't you, girl?
Patience, my good man, patience.
How could we possibly harm your lion?
We can't even find him.
He shouldn't be hard to locate.
That lion hasn't had a bath in a year.
All you've got to do is just track him down and I'll take care of the rest.
Now I've got this little collar here.
Just give your pooches a smell and we'll be cooking on a front burner.
He's not very used to lions.
Good for nothings.
How about you, my little friend?
Monroe's got the scent.
Chickens.
Monroe's really got the lion cornered, Colonel.
That's the same place I put him when I first brought him here, sir.
He must feel at home in there.
We'd better bring up reinforcements.
What do we have to go with him for?
I mean, he could get that lion out of there by himself, couldn't he?
Gee gee.
You want poor old Monroe to get himself hurt?
All right, men. Flush him!
All right, you men back there, watch it.
Open up the cage.
All right, steady now.
Be ready to scramble if he breaks out.
Satan, you is in there?
Now come out, be a good lion, please.
Poor Monroe.
There's the lion!
Oh, hello, pussikins.
Oh, wise guy, Hup.
Mother, look out!
I know how to handle troublemakers like you.
Look out!
We got him, sir, just like I said.
Because of this incident, my mother-in-law has seen Fit to return to Winnetka in the distant state of Illinois.
He's taking pussikins with him.
Shatter and blow, gentlemen.
I trust that my wife will see Fit to forgive me sometime in the near future.
Gentlemen, your orders have been rescinded. You are not going to kiss him.
Colonel, sir, even if it is too late, we've broken Monroe at chasing cats.
Progress, progress.
Oh, we've tested him, tried several times, but he's still not going to budge.
I'm glad to hear it. Well, good afternoon, men.
Good afternoon, sir. Now all he wants to do is chase lions.
Chase lions?
That's all right, Monroe, relax. You've got the rest of the day off.
Well, you've seen our first show. It was all pretty new to me. I've never worked with a lion before.
In fact, I've never worked with Guy Marks before.
Jan Stein, take a bow, kid.
Guy, I'm supposed to tell the sponsors what a great comedian you are.
Proceed.
And how you were just sensational on the Joy Bishop show this season.
And how a four-star talked you out of your job.
And how you were just sensational on the Joy Bishop show this season.
And how a four-star talked you out of doing the Jackie Gleason show in favor of Monroe.
The pleasure was all mine.
I think we've got a great combination here in a successful comedy series, gentlemen.
You've seen Monroe himself in action, but you've only seen a portion of what that dog can do.
And we've got my buddy here, Jan Stein, one of the fastest rising young stars in Hollywood.
Gentlemen, you must have wondered where you saw our charming Selma before.
Joan? Joan Freeman, star of Bus Stop last year and guest star on most of television's top shows.
Thank you, Guy.
Our Colonel? James Flavin, one of the stars of last season's Roaring Twenties and a real nice guy.
You have your hands on an officer.
Anyway, we've got a comedy show for the entire family.
Right? Right.
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