WEBVTT

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Frontier Soldier

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Rex!

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Monroe!

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Monroe!

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Monroe?

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Monroe!

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That's not the way we do it in the army.

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Come here.

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Now you listen to me, you fleabag.

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He's only kidding us, Geechee. He loves you, can't you see?

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Kidding, huh? I'll make the jokes around here. Get that.

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He's only imitating you, Geechee. Huh, Monroe?

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What do you mean?

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On the enlisted men's obstacle course.

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Or yesterday he saw you do the same thing.

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That's different. Don't smile.

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That's better.

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I said don't smile, it's no laughing matter.

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Go on, jump the fence, boy.

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Yeah, on a double.

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Rex!

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Hey, what are you guys trying to do to our dog?

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What do you mean, what are we trying to do to your dog?

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That broken down mutt's going the wrong way.

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Monroe's adaptable, he does like he's told.

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Does like he's told, huh?

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Yeah, Ira's right. Monroe's a pretty smart dog.

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We ask him to take the fence backwards, he does so.

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Yeah, let's see your dog take the fence backward.

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You think he can't? I know he can.

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Oh yeah? Oh yeah!

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Champ! Backwards! Jump!

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Hey, Geechee, you won it by the old man.

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The colonel, and boy is his hair burning.

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Oh, but what? We haven't done anything.

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I don't know if it's you or Nutsy Fagin here.

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His name is Monroe.

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Okay, Monroe, come on, cop out.

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What have you done now?

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That Monroe dog, it's not enough that you took my little baby away from me

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and made her a service wife.

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It was 25 years ago, mother.

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Oh, but now you've gone and gotten yourself assigned to this insane war dog thing.

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The K-9 Corps is vital to our national security and war and peace.

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That's what you've said many times.

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We perform many services that are necessary to the conduct of the army, mother.

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Trailing, tracking, working with the medical corps, combat guerrilla work.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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But it's damaging to the happiness of pussykins.

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That Monroe dog, you've got to do something.

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It's him, army, and pussykins.

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It's him, army, and pussykins.

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Hello, pussykins.

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Hello, Monroe.

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Hello, baby. Stop that, you bad doggy.

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You. Hello, Ira, dear.

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Hello, Selma.

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You know, you're getting more like him every day.

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There are certain areas of difference, baby.

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Yes, I know. He's capable of faith and trust, like Ira.

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Do you buy that act?

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I do. He's sincere.

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He's a rat. He's treacherous.

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He's two-faced under an innocent exterior.

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But I'm straightening him out.

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The colonel's very cranky this morning.

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Something about his mother-in-law's cat.

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I will handle this matter personally, my lady.

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Meow.

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Meow.

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Meow. Meow. Look out, pussykittens.

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Meow. Meow.

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Monroe, take that out.

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Meow. Meow.

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Get him, dog.

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Meow. Meow.

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Meow. Meow.

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Get over here.

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Meow. Meow.

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Meow. Meow.

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Get him, Monroe. Get him. Get him. Get him.

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Get him, Monroe. Get him. Get him. Get him.

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You know what you've got us into.

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Kiska.

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That means guard duty in the Aleutians.

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The North Pole, practically.

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It's cold in the winter and cold in the summer.

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You never get to see the sun, Monroe.

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And they got no trees.

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And if the colonel gets his way,

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we'll be pulling guard duty up there

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till 1999 at the very least.

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Look ashamed.

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That's enough.

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He's inhuman.

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He's had the best education money can buy.

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He's been psychologically sifted,

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graded, oriented, and tested.

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When I stop to consider it,

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he makes me feel downright inferior.

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Yeah? Do you like to chase cats?

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He's inhuman.

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Leave me alone. I gotta think.

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It's no use.

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I got it.

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What?

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You know all that stuff they taught us

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in the K-9 Corps special training school?

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Pavlov's dogs, conditioned reflexes.

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Yeah, but those systems, they...

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Takes too much time, right?

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Right.

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Now, we've got exactly 48 hours

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to have those Arctic orders rescinded.

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So, we'll utilize the scientific principles

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by which I taught my little brother, Augie,

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about this business of life.

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See, when Augie was 10 years old,

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he wanted to smoke.

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I went down to the neighborhood candy store

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and I bought him a big fat cigar, about that long.

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I shoved it in his mouth, struck a match,

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and told him to take a nice, big, deep draw.

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Beautiful.

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Inhale. Nice boy.

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I smoke it right down to the butt.

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That's it. I chew on it.

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That kid didn't touch tobacco in any form whatsoever

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until he was almost 15 years of age.

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And that was in a tough neighborhood.

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Chewed on it?

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Swallowed it.

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Now, Monroe, like you were my own brother,

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I'm gonna break you of chasing cats.

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You're gonna be a good boy.

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I'm gonna break you of chasing cats.

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Yes, sir.

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You're gonna chase one more pussycat.

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And then you're never gonna chase another pussycat

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as long as you live.

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How, Gigi?

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The Augie system of instant education.

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Pass me the yellow pages.

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We're gonna get you a great big...

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Lion?

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This is a very unusual request, gentlemen.

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Therefore, my terms are strictly cash.

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So you're a real lion tamer, huh?

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No. Uh, yes, yes.

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I was an assistant handler.

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The real lion tamer is inside.

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Oh, inside the next room?

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No, inside the lion.

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I make with a little joke.

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Make with a little joke.

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Gigi, will you stop worrying?

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You're with me.

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Are you sure you can control?

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My friend, Corporal Bobbitt here and myself

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have been trained by the United States government

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in the handling of animals.

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Wild, domestic, and otherwise.

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You got no faith in us,

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you got no faith in your country.

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And if you got no faith in your country,

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then, buddy, maybe we better see about

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having you investigated.

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Oh, wow!

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Come on, gentlemen, follow me.

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Here we are!

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Well, see, these gentlemen want to take you on a little job.

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But don't worry.

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They are government-trained experts.

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Ain't that reassuring?

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Is he used to being around people?

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Oh, yeah, all around them.

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Gigi, I think we better go.

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No!

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This is the tape liar.

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His name is Fabian.

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With Satan I used to ride around in parades,

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but only in the cage,

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because he is a man-eater.

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But Fabian is a real gentleman.

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An Ivy Leaguer.

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Achtung!

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Open the cage!

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Hey, the army can use a man like you.

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There's a loading platform right outside the door.

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You know, with my experience,

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they should make me a captain or a major.

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Oh, what I wouldn't give to walk

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in the old neighborhood pool room like this.

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Fabian, baby, you and I are buddies.

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Take these restraints away, my good man.

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Fabian and me, we understand each other.

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Well, Gigi's awfully good with animals,

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and you better believe it.

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Goodbye, Fabian. Have a good time.

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See you later, General.

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General?

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Well, time for your dinner, Satan.

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You're not Satan.

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You're Fabian.

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You're Fabian!

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Goddamn them.

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I've given them the wrong line.

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Stop sign. Stop sign.

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Ira, he's a doll. A living doll.

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Maybe we get rid of Monroe, huh?

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Oh, we couldn't do that, Geech.

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Basic, kid.

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What can Monroe do that Fabian can't do?

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Bark?

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Say something sweet, Fabian.

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Anything you say, baby.

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Go ahead.

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Hello, Benson.

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Okay, okay. Yes.

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And get that dog a haircut!

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Fabian, this'll only take a minute.

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Then you and I have a date, baby.

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I'm gonna buy you a malted milk and 200 hamburgers with the works.

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Where's that Monroe?

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Corporal Bobbitt's giving him a bath, sir.

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All right. But be careful.

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Come on, pussycat. That's a nice pussycat.

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Come on, pussycat. That's a nice pussycat.

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Gotta make a nice track for the big, bad doggy to follow.

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Doggy to follow.

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We're all wise guys.

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Come on, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

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Come on, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

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Doggy to follow.

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Fabian, can you hear me?

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It hurt me.

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You think it'll work?

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It's costing me out of my own pocket, sir. What more can I say?

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We have to be very careful. Dog lovers, a whole nation full of them.

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One word of adverse treatment, guess who gets it in the neck.

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Hello, Monroe.

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All right, explain it to me again.

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I'd be glad to, sir.

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This is point A.

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That is point B.

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Monroe is now in condition A,

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to which, sir, he likes to chase cats.

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It's for your own good, Monroe.

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Be honest.

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Colonel, we got the wrong lion!

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You're telling me.

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There is a lion loose in this camp,

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a savage, man-eating, jungle beast.

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And you know what they'll be asking in Washington

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if this leaks out.

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Yes, sir, Colonel.

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They're going to wonder how come you let the lion loose on the base.

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Kiska isn't far enough.

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It's little America for you and you and whatchamacallit there.

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The Army can do what they want with us.

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But if they lay one hand on this dog,

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the SPCA will be down on your throat

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before you can say, caught, Marshal.

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Don't say that!

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I have a solution which will apprehend the beast sooner than you can say...

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Billy Mignon.

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And signed by the Colonel, too.

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Will wonders never cease.

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Now that you've had your laugh, Sarge, hand over the meat.

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When I think of all the routes you've taken in

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trying to scrounge steak out of me,

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all the imaginary diseases you've made up for Monroe

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that can be cured only by the fine and the choice,

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this is far and away the best.

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There's this great big lion...

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Shh!

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Oh, a great big lion.

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Splendid, Corporal.

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You're really making my day.

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Oh, Charles.

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Charles, these gentlemen say there's a great big lion in the camp.

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Isn't that exciting?

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And we're to deliver, uh, uh, how much was it?

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Oh, yes.

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25 pounds of choice...

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Like it says.

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It's all very simple.

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We got the bell here.

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Once more, let's go through this.

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We got the bell here.

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This wire runs around the building.

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It connects to the thing.

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One ring, you pull up.

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Two rings, you let down.

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Got that?

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One ring up, two rings down.

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One for up, two for down.

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Beautiful.

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I'm glad I got through the fifth grade

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so I can understand these very, very complicated procedures.

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Like all brilliant schemes, sir,

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it's breathtaking in its simplicity.

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The lion will presently become hungry.

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Right now, the scent of this meat under the net

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is wafting about the camp.

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And sealed inside is a button that leads to this wire

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that leads under the barracks to the operator on the other side.

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When the lion goes...

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The bell rings, the net closes, and up she goes!

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You mean all a lion has to do is touch the meat like this?

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Wait, sir, I'm...

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Soldier, you have your hands on an officer.

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Sorry, sir.

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No, Monroe!

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My...

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SNARLING

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Let's go!

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SQUEALING

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If it takes a million years!

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At least they make up their mind.

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Like all brilliant schemes, Colonel, it's breathtaking in its simplicity.

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Maybe I should have complicated it a little bit more.

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Well, I think it was complicated enough, especially when the crane got stuck.

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Faulty equipment. Am I to blame?

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The Colonel thinks so.

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If something goes wrong, we get hung up in the air for an hour and a half, it's my fault.

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What am I, a saboteur?

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Kitchi?

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What?

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Let's give up.

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What are you talking about?

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Give up and go to Kiska.

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No chance.

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My mother always told us it takes a truly brave man to admit his mistakes.

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That's the easy way. Smile, think, and take action.

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Look the Colonel right in the eye?

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Correct. Otherwise, all is lost.

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How's the time?

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We're due there now.

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What do you do when they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar?

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I'm innocent.

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You drop a live hand grenade during arms inspection and it goes off.

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I didn't do it.

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You do something stupid, they give you a medal and a new stripe.

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I was robbed.

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Beautiful. You're learning fast. Come with me, we're going to go see the old man.

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If anybody harms a single viscon, my cat, I'm going right to the top.

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I'm going to the commander-in-chief.

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1600 Pennsylvania, haven't you, girl?

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Patience, my good man, patience.

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How could we possibly harm your lion?

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We can't even find him.

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He shouldn't be hard to locate.

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That lion hasn't had a bath in a year.

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All you've got to do is just track him down and I'll take care of the rest.

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Now I've got this little collar here.

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Just give your pooches a smell and we'll be cooking on a front burner.

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He's not very used to lions.

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Good for nothings.

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How about you, my little friend?

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Monroe's got the scent.

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Chickens.

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Monroe's really got the lion cornered, Colonel.

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That's the same place I put him when I first brought him here, sir.

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He must feel at home in there.

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We'd better bring up reinforcements.

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What do we have to go with him for?

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I mean, he could get that lion out of there by himself, couldn't he?

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Gee gee.

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You want poor old Monroe to get himself hurt?

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All right, men. Flush him!

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All right, you men back there, watch it.

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Open up the cage.

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All right, steady now.

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Be ready to scramble if he breaks out.

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Satan, you is in there?

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Now come out, be a good lion, please.

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Poor Monroe.

20:53.640 --> 21:08.640
There's the lion!

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Oh, hello, pussikins.

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Oh, wise guy, Hup.

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Mother, look out!

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I know how to handle troublemakers like you.

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Look out!

21:27.640 --> 21:43.640
Look out!

21:43.640 --> 21:46.640
We got him, sir, just like I said.

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Because of this incident, my mother-in-law has seen Fit to return to Winnetka in the distant state of Illinois.

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He's taking pussikins with him.

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Shatter and blow, gentlemen.

21:56.640 --> 22:01.640
I trust that my wife will see Fit to forgive me sometime in the near future.

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Gentlemen, your orders have been rescinded. You are not going to kiss him.

22:04.640 --> 22:08.640
Colonel, sir, even if it is too late, we've broken Monroe at chasing cats.

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Progress, progress.

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Oh, we've tested him, tried several times, but he's still not going to budge.

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I'm glad to hear it. Well, good afternoon, men.

22:16.640 --> 22:20.640
Good afternoon, sir. Now all he wants to do is chase lions.

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Chase lions?

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That's all right, Monroe, relax. You've got the rest of the day off.

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Well, you've seen our first show. It was all pretty new to me. I've never worked with a lion before.

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In fact, I've never worked with Guy Marks before.

22:46.640 --> 22:48.640
Jan Stein, take a bow, kid.

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Guy, I'm supposed to tell the sponsors what a great comedian you are.

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Proceed.

22:54.640 --> 22:57.640
And how you were just sensational on the Joy Bishop show this season.

22:57.640 --> 23:00.640
And how a four-star talked you out of your job.

23:00.640 --> 23:06.640
And how you were just sensational on the Joy Bishop show this season.

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And how a four-star talked you out of doing the Jackie Gleason show in favor of Monroe.

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The pleasure was all mine.

23:11.640 --> 23:15.640
I think we've got a great combination here in a successful comedy series, gentlemen.

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You've seen Monroe himself in action, but you've only seen a portion of what that dog can do.

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And we've got my buddy here, Jan Stein, one of the fastest rising young stars in Hollywood.

23:26.640 --> 23:31.640
Gentlemen, you must have wondered where you saw our charming Selma before.

23:31.640 --> 23:38.640
Joan? Joan Freeman, star of Bus Stop last year and guest star on most of television's top shows.

23:38.640 --> 23:40.640
Thank you, Guy.

23:40.640 --> 23:48.640
Our Colonel? James Flavin, one of the stars of last season's Roaring Twenties and a real nice guy.

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You have your hands on an officer.

23:51.640 --> 23:56.640
Anyway, we've got a comedy show for the entire family.

23:56.640 --> 24:23.640
Right? Right.

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