It's Red Skelton, brought to you by Geritol.
Geritol, the remarkable new tonic that helps you feel stronger fast,
brings you the comedy program that helps you feel happier fast.
The Red Skelton Show, with the King Sisters,
and David Rose and his orchestra,
and starring Red Skelton.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
It's always surprising to walk out and have people applaud,
and you've never even done anything yet.
A lot of people actually are afraid to applaud.
It gives away the business they're in.
Did you ever notice that? A stenographer, they applaud this way.
People from Pasadena.
Barbers, they applaud like this.
Speaking of applauding, I played a theater once up in San Francisco,
and I walk out and they have white footlights, white border lights, and a white spotlight.
You can't see a thing. If the microphone had been chrome,
you wouldn't even have seen that, you know.
So I go out and I do my act, and there's not a sound.
Not one whimper in the audience.
So I walk off and the stage manager says, take a bow.
I said, do what? He said, take a bow.
So I walk out and I bow, and I come back off, and he says, do an encore.
I says, do an encore. Nothing's happening out there.
So I walk back out and I do something else.
Now, with actors, when they start to lay an egg, that flop sweat comes out.
So again, nothing is happening.
So as I walk off, he says, take another bow.
I says, would you do me a favor?
I don't even believe there's anybody out there.
Throw up the house lights, will you?
I said, no, they throw up the lights. Whole audience, Chinese going.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have a great, great honor that's been bestowed upon me.
And now I'd like for you to meet a fellow that really I'm very proud to be associated with.
You've seen him quite a bit on the Ed Sullivan Show, and it's Ed Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, Red, it's mighty nice to see your smiling face again. Really, it is.
Yeah, well, that's more than I can say for you.
Don't give me that smile. You know that I can smile.
I guess. Oh, boy.
This boy's a real Liberace, you know.
When you're talking about Liberace, there is a real serious smile.
Now, you're not kidding.
You know, the other night Liberace played a concert and his piano didn't show up and he played his teeth for a half hour.
What are you doing here in California?
Well, I came out to look for some new acts.
Some new acts?
Say, I know a boy that does a trapeze act and he'll travel.
Darryl Xanax, he's named.
Red, I got brought back a lot of regards from New York for you.
Fred Allen wants to say hello to you.
Oh, Fred.
Eric Schreiner.
Yeah.
You know, I want you to know, too, that all of us watch your show every week in New York.
I think you're doing a wonderful job.
And if you're ever in New York, Red, and I know you're coming on soon.
That's right.
You ought to drop over and be on our show, boy.
Well, that's a date for sure.
By the way, you know, I bumped into your sponsor the other day.
No.
Yeah, I got hit by Lincoln.
I saw those new Lincolns and they're really wonderful, you see.
Listen, you've got a good product, too.
I'll make a deal with you.
You send me a Lincoln and I'll send you a bottle of Jericho.
You'll throw in a cup of coffee and you got yourself a deal.
You know, Red, I want to take this up with you because you've had a lot of experience out here.
We're thinking of bringing our show out to California.
Oh, what are you going to call it?
The Toast of the Smog?
What I'd like to find out, or you can advise me on it,
is how the audience out here would react to me live on a stage.
Oh, well.
And you know that was done without a cue card.
Well, I'll tell you, this is a typical California audience.
I'll tell you what.
You pretend that this is the Toast of the Town and you take over
and make out like it's your own show right now to find out for yourself.
Is that all right?
Certainly.
Go right ahead.
It's all yours.
Right ahead.
That's a very, that's a real nice guy to let me do this.
Very, very unusual, certainly.
I seem to be on comic shows these past couple of days because I was on Jackie Gleason's New York.
He broke his leg.
And now I'm out here and I'm with the great redhead.
Now, certainly out here in Hollywood,
there are a lot of celebrities and on our show in New York,
we have made a feature of introducing celebrities in the audience.
And it brings into homes the faces of people that they're acquainted with.
It sort of amplifies the whole scope of the show.
Sitting out here tonight is one of the great stars of Hollywood,
Dick Powell.
Dick, where are you seated?
Dick, can you stand up there and take a bow?
Now, Dick's next picture, which we just completed, is Susan Slept Here.
It was produced by the daughter of a very dear friend of mine,
one of the great newspapermen of our country.
The mother's name, of course, is Luella.
The daughter's name, Harriet Parsons.
Harriet, would you stand up and let them see you?
I spot someone out there in the audience that we've missed a great deal in New York.
Because he filled a particular niche in the CBS programming section,
or the network section, rather.
When he was in New York, he did a show out of there.
He's got so much still, he quit it.
He came back out here to Loll and Sunshine.
Ken Murray, would you stand up, please?
How are you, Ken?
Ken is just working on a production now.
Where were you with the Bing Crosby Enterprises?
How have you been, Ken?
We had a couple of dancers from the coast on our show,
and they're here tonight.
They're MGM stars.
We've never had anybody quite like them on our stage.
Marjane Gower Champion.
Incidentally, when are you coming back and playing out that other date with us?
All right.
When I was writing sports,
one of the greatest All-Americans ever came out of the Big Ten Conference
was a chap I'm about to introduce.
He was the all-time Michigan star, Tommy Harmon.
Tommy?
Sitting with him are two other athletes, and I'm going to ask them to stand up.
Paula Jean Meyer, the National Diving Champ.
Norm Van Valken, the Rams.
Now, right in line with all of these champions here,
there's a celebrated champ out here from the East.
He came out here some years back with Fiddle LaBarbera,
and there's a whole flux of East Athens to the coast,
and I'd like you to meet him.
Cauliflaur McPug.
Here he is.
Come up here, Cauliflaur.
Let's talk to you.
Nice to see you.
Watch the hand.
Watch the hand.
Cauliflaur, welcome to the excellent show.
Don't rub it in.
Now, Cauliflaur, there are a lot of athletes here tonight.
Tell all of us, how do you keep in shape?
Oh, I keep in shape.
I do a lot of work down at the gump, at the gym.
24 hours a day I'm training.
When do I sleep?
When I'm fighting in the ring.
And you're always in perfect condition?
Because you do keep a strict training schedule.
Oh, strict.
Do you drink?
No, no, no.
No, I don't move.
Go around dancing with the gals?
No, and you know that's tougher than fighting.
Now, Cauliflaur, tell us about your next fight.
Well, I got a big fight coming up on television.
I get $15 and zero expenses.
A fight on television?
Yeah, my manager got it all fixed up for me.
I want to be a good one, boy.
A real television actor?
Who's your opponent?
Betty Furnett.
You know, my man, I have never been able to win a fight
so I could say it on television or on radio.
Hello, brah.
Walk up to a microphone and say, hello, brah.
It's always been my ambition that it's, hello, brah.
Do it right now.
Let me have that microphone.
Do it right now?
Yeah.
I can.
Betty Furnett, or you get hit like a mule.
Folks, if you feel weak and run down,
check with your doctor, but remember,
your weak, run-down condition may come from a lack of
certain essential vitamins.
To help you feel better fast, take Geritol,
a multivitamin dietary supplement that helps to
quickly restore those vitamin deficiencies that may be
the cause of your trouble.
Yes, in just 24 hours.
Vitamin-packed Geritol is in your bloodstream,
carrying the essential vitamins to every part of your body.
So if you're feeling weak and run down, tired and listless
due to a vitamin deficiency, try Geritol.
Liquid or tablets at your drugstore.
You'll feel better fast because Geritol is packed with
all the essential energy-releasing vitamins.
But be sure you get what you asked for.
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You will feel better fast within seven days or your money back.
Well, I'm sure you folks are all familiar with those
desperados of the old West, Jesse James, the Dalton Boys,
and Billy the Kid, but what you probably didn't know is the
most dangerous varmint of them all was a man named Deadeye.
Suppose we turn back the pages of history and see if we can
find Deadeye and his favorite hangout, the Golden Nugget Saloon.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ They say I'm crazy, got no sense, but I don't care.
They may or may not mean a thing, but I don't care.
You see, I'm sort of independent of a clever race descendant.
My star is on the ascendant, that's why I don't care.
Oh, I don't care, I don't care what they may think of me.
I'm happy, so lucky, they say I am plucky, so jolly and carefree.
I don't care, I don't care if I do get the mean and stony stare.
If I'm never successful, you won't be distressful,
because I don't care.
I don't care, I don't care what people think of me.
I don't care, I just don't care, I feel like me.
They love me, so as you're gay, we're never gonna worry,
cause it doesn't pay.
I loved a man once, he gave me the air.
Now he's got 37 kids, a big fat wife, and his comfort is there.
I don't care, I don't care, nothing's gonna bother me,
cause I don't care.
Hey, it's the Jedi!
Whoa! Whoa!
Up for the Horde, boy!
Hey, for the Horde, I'm gonna get rid of them in the last thing I do.
Anybody wanna buy him?
Don't steal the close-up, but he is.
This is the only horse in the world with a filled-in U-turn.
Hey, take him over to the blacksmith shop and get him some elevator shoes.
Every time he runs, his stomach rips open.
Hey, where's the dancing girl? What happened to my gal Sue?
Hey, Sue, who? Sue!
Georgie!
Hey, bartender, who's that hombre?
Well, that's Hondo, the fastest man on the draw in the West.
Don't be silly, I'm the fastest man on the draw.
Hey, you, you're a little too fast.
I'm the fastest man on the draw.
Now even John Wayne can't do that.
I figure any time a prop gets a bigger laugh than me, it's gotta go.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That spurt keeps getting caught all the time.
Hey, you're only wearing one spurt. What's the idea of that?
Well, I figure if I get one side of the horse going, the other side will just follow along.
What do we got today?
What would you like?
Oh, the usual thing, the usual thing.
Yeah, just line them up there.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Now, here's looking at you.
I told those boys we needed lines here, but they said this would take care of it.
Yeah.
Mighty dry gin.
Oh, you like a little lift, you know.
Now, I've seen you for about six months, did I?
What have you been doing?
I'm pretty hokey, but even I ain't gonna tell that joke.
Oh, come on now, did I? I ain't seen you for six months. What have you been doing?
Here it comes, folks. Ask me again.
All right, I ain't seen you for six months, did I? What have you been doing?
Six months.
Never be a success, there's too many moving parts.
Oh, Jesse.
Did I?
I haven't seen you in quite a while.
Yeah, that's because I ain't wearing that dress.
Fake out.
Why don't you and me go for a little ride out on the range tonight?
Well, why the range?
Why, because out there seldom is heard a discouraging word.
Give us a kiss, Kel.
Who's with you?
Oh, come on, Kel.
What happened, Jedi? You don't kiss like you used to.
I know, the rings came early this year and took all of the curl out of my plucker.
Hey, Jedi.
Yeah?
Get your hands off her, she's my girl.
Yeah, you wouldn't say that if you were down here.
I'm up here.
Get on.
Leave something for the Jedi.
We got time to shoot you here, but you got to die on another network.
Any time a prop gets a bigger laugh than me, it's got to go.
Is he dead?
Did you have to shoot him?
Yep, I could have starved him to death, but it wasn't quite as visual that way, you know.
I knew, I knew.
Forget basketball practice tonight.
Say, uh...
Anybody wants a drink? Go ahead.
Hey, Jedi, how about a friendly little game of poker?
Why, I thought you boys had been playing Scrabble or something.
Yeah, I'd have put that line in, but we're running a little late.
Yeah, I hate to take advantage of you strangers playing cards, but...
There goes my bag of peaches.
Mind if I show you a trick, stranger?
Here, let me show you something.
Hold on there, crew.
Take a card.
Any of them.
Why did you do that, Jedi?
We needed him for the game.
Oh, yeah.
Shane!
Come back, Shane!
He's a tough man to kill, you see.
He drinks a lot of Jericho.
Another great deck of cards, gal.
Oh, a tally-ho deck.
I mention them because they're on the list.
Don't drop that on your foot until you've got blue cloth.
What's that table? It's still alive.
One of the legs is still kicking.
I can certainly help him with that.
Cut him.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Try and sneak one of these up your sleeve.
When I was a small puny boy, puny, that's a small horse.
When I was a small puny boy, I used to build myself up playing solitaire with these things.
I'm getting tired.
One more.
Well, you deal him.
I'm getting tired.
Looks like an idiot board from Las Vegas, don't it?
Fifteen.
All right.
Anybody open?
I open with five doula.
Five doula?
I'm a fan.
I'll raise you ten.
Yeah, well, I'm a fan, too.
I'm going to raise this dryback here.
Twenty-five.
How many cards, Jamois?
One.
One.
How many cards?
None.
Okay, please.
Well, I'll take five.
Perfect.
If this so happens, it happens.
Right here.
Okay.
What you got?
I have a flush.
Full house.
Four kings.
I win.
I got a royal flush.
Ten of hearts.
Jack of hearts.
Queen of hearts.
King of hearts.
And the eight.
I forgot to tell you, there's one in every crowd.
Indians.
Indians.
I think the Indians are coming.
What?
Bring the line.
He's leading the Indians.
Good heavens.
The town is surrounded by Jeff Chandler.
We'll hold out, but first, we're going to have a little intermission.
If you feel weak and run down, tired and nervous, check with your doctor.
But remember, your weak, run-down condition may come from the lack of certain essential vitamins.
Doctors call it vitamin deficiency.
To overcome that tired, nervous feeling and help you feel better fast,
take Geritol, the rich, multivitamin dietary supplement that helps to quickly restore those vitamin deficiencies
that may be the cause of your trouble.
Yes, in just 24 hours.
Vitamin-packed Geritol is in your bloodstream, carrying essential vitamins to every part of your body.
Just two tablespoons of Geritol, just this little bit,
contain five times the minimum daily requirement of energy-releasing thiamine,
two and a half times the minimum daily requirement of essential riboflavin,
large amounts of niacin, B12, and other vitamins that you may be lacking.
Tastes good, too.
Now, I'd like to read you a letter from Mrs. N.B. of St. Louis,
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Here's what she says.
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Bring in prisoner.
Go.
Do you realize that this is the first time the Indians ever went out over to Cowboy and Television?
Cut me down, boy.
We're running late.
Chief.
Oh, trying to get away, huh?
Spare my life, or I'll make it worth your while.
I'll get you a job posing for pennies.
Hey, great white father.
Oh, I don't care about your social life.
Oh, a pony Indian, eh?
Get out.
See, the three things that we do.
We make powwow, and we kill you.
Oh, I get it.
Then it's powwow right in the kisser.
Yeah.
Boy, you'd have a nice little collection here, anybody I know.
Sam.
What happened, Sam?
Don't tell me that you got Jar Jar Gabor, too.
You boy sure got a nice cure for dandruff.
Hey, smoke pipe.
You make these with spirit.
Good.
Wait.
Put on filter.
Screen out irritants.
Hey.
What are you smoking, mukluks?
Quiet.
I'm for you guys.
I'm for take scouts.
I'm for beating.
I should have taken the Indians part.
I can see that now.
Don't kill me.
I'm too old to die.
I'm too old to die.
I'm at that awkward age.
Look, I'll do anything for you.
Please.
I think you'll like your stuff.
Please, please.
Don't kill me.
I'm stoned till the soldiers get here.
Please don't kill me.
Please spare your life on one condition.
How's that?
You join tribe, marry my daughter.
Me, become an Indian?
Yes, you join tribe, me give you big title.
Who?
Call you crazy legs, all American Indian.
Indian's part.
Silence.
I'm enraged.
Oh, don't burn me at the stake.
You come.
Chop my head off.
Oh, a hot steak's better than a cold shot, I guess.
Ain't this exciting?
I know hokey, but exciting.
Carry on, boys, carry on.
Come my daughter, see white man die at stake.
Yeah, kids, I got a lot of steaks.
Where?
Bangles to.
Pebbles to feed.
Hey, you dance the best.
Dance the best, kids.
Too bad I'm tied up, kids.
Fire, bring on torch for fire.
Bring on the torch for fire.
Go and scout for prop man, he's too short.
It's no use now, Lordy.