Tide's in the room, turn something.
Tide, the watch-day miracle that gives you the cleanest clothes in town,
brings you in person, direct from Hollywood, that lady-lovable clown of clowns, Red Skelton!
T-I-D-E, Tide's in the room, Red Skelton!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
I brought these out in case some of you folks at home haven't seen the Emmy.
And I would like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the press,
and also the ladies and gentlemen of the Academy for voting our show twice.
One is they liked our show, and the other is they like me as a comedian.
Well, you've seen them now, so, Ed, do you want to thank them?
You know, it was really quite a thrill to get something like that, you know.
And over at the Academy, it's a funny thing, as I walked in,
there were a lot of people outside, and someone yelled,
Red Skelton's in the crowd!
And they all turned around and looked at me.
Gee, I was so embarrassed.
I was sorry I yelled.
The autograph collectors, they had a cute idea.
For the stars, they would let them sign full sheets of paper,
and for the pit players, a half a sheet of paper.
Did you ever try to autograph a spitball?
And a little Richard this week, he came in, they want pet mice.
I said, what do you want with mice?
They said they don't brush their teeth, they don't take a bath or anything.
He said, don't tell one of them to move over, he's got a new buddy.
They went over to Gene Fowler's house the other day,
and they raided his cuckoo clock.
This is the truth.
He took a little cuckoo out of the clock, so I said, why did you do that?
He said, well, I didn't mean no harm by it, you know.
He said, I saw the cuckoo in there, and I thought maybe I could get some cuckoo eggs
and raise my own clock.
There's an interesting bulletin I just saw in the paper today
that MacArthur, they've called all of his men but three.
They figure if he won't play ball, he can't play canasta either.
This week while I was watching television, I happened to notice one of the fights that was on,
and I didn't pay so much attention to the fight as I did to the people who were sitting around the ringside.
So I'd like to do a little pantomime scene for you
and show you how different people react to fights by, could I have that?
Thing's got legs, why didn't you let it walk out?
First you have a fellow that seems like he's bored with the whole thing.
Then you have the tough guy that enjoys the fight.
Then you have the little guys that go to the fights and they can't stand the sight of blood.
Then you have a big shot gangster, gambler you know, got the fight fixed, third round,
the guy's painful as ice.
Then you have the big shot gangster, gambler,
Then you have the little fella that takes his wife and he never really gets to see the fight,
but she keeps asking questions.
Then you have the big shot gangster, gambler,
The difference between our American institutions and those of our English cousins across the seas
is nowhere more apparent than in the field of radio and television broadcasting.
We now present our version of the eminent British newscaster, Lord Beaverhead.
Oh, are you there, hey? I'll be with you presently here.
I've got a bit of news, if I could just find it here.
It was here a fortnight ago.
We have a new way of going to condense the news for you, you know,
going to bring it right to you.
Here's a long article here about a man who gets a divorce from his wife because she talked too much.
He's a big one of our meatpackers here, but instead of taking all that time to do that, we will abbreviate it.
Here's the news.
Meatpacker Ken's tongue.
Oh, what happened to my monocle? I think I'll have to use this to find it.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, and I'll bring you the correct time.
When you hear the musical note, it will be exactly two o'clock.
We put it that way in case we were a bit off, you know.
Listen for the musical note.
Two o'clock, I wonder what time it is.
Here's a bit of news that came in.
Well, it's coming in again now.
Oh, dear me. Looks like we're having a bit of trouble in Egwipe.
Egwipe.
E-G-Y-P-E.
Oh, Egypt!
This blasted thing, if I could only keep it in there.
It's clearing up.
We have here, you can see, a couple of the Egwipe Egypt battleships.
They were handed to me by the King Farouk.
The joke that I had about that has been cut.
Oh, well, time for tea. Time for tea.
Little tea never hurt anyone, you know.
There we are. Just slice that around me a bit, you know.
Little tea never hurt anyone. There we are.
Got to sweeten it up a little, you know.
Little tea never hurt anyone, you know.
Oh, careful. Don't get nervous yet, boy.
Still no boy.
I see here that the Kremlin is going to pave their streets with wooden blocks.
Looks like the boys have gotten their heads together.
I see where Joe Staline is trying to find a serum that will make him younger.
Well, that's not possible, but if you leave it up to us, we'll see that you don't get any older.
Now I would like to tell you about our American movie.
Tonight, this movie, it was not shot underwater. It just looks that way.
This picture has murder, robbery, terror, hate, revenge.
It's a story about a boy and his dog.
He's the other star's hero, and he plays two parts.
He's a brother and a sister.
Still no good, I tell you.
Hello, are you there? Are you there?
Would you get me Fort Knox, please, in Kentucky, yes.
United States of America. We don't have a Kentucky in England any more.
Hello, Fort Knox? How are you?
Now I would like to tell you about our sponsor.
Our sponsor is good old Cliveden's Crumpet Juice.
Cliveden's Crumpet Juice comes in different sizes.
Now here's the small size to carry around, and there's a prize in every package.
Now here's one in this package here. It's a genuine, it's a genuine, I really don't know what that is.
It's a genuine, isn't it, though?
Now in the mixed size, we have a special prize that goes with that.
I've got to put my teeth away, you know.
Tastes like...
With this size, you get a prize, a surprise package comes with this one.
Every box has a surprise. What do you do, nail it down, Sam?
Everyone has a surprise.
Well, there's supposed to be a surprise in there somewhere.
Oh, well, there's a surprise. Oh, yo.
Time for tea, time for tea.
Now then we have the larger size, the big box.
And with that, we give you a large prize.
This contains all of the vitamins that you'll ever need.
Would you step out, please? Would you please? Thank you.
That also comes in the plain wrapper.
I remember.
Good morning, Lord Beaverhead.
Oh, how are you, Ben? Nice to see you, Ben.
That's Big Ben.
Now I'd like to call your attention, Cliveden's Crumpet Juice,
makes old men young and young men younger.
I hope you keep that in mind. I'll show you what a wonderful product...
I gotta hurry, I'm gonna be late for school.
Skelton's Film Scrapbook.
Pedestrian Polo.
Good evening.
That's just a straight line. Wait till it goes.
Tonight we're going to have a little educational feature,
and we hope that you'll all be very much interested in.
It has to do with traffic.
Now I'll give you a number to call in just a few minutes.
I can't give you the number now, as I've done this before.
I told you that we'll give you the number during the program, and I will.
And as I say, we don't have time to give you the number now.
We'll give it to you later on in the program.
Get your pencils and get the lead out.
Get ready to take down this number that I'm going to give you,
which I will give you in just a few minutes.
Now you can write for this book.
It's a book on a new game called Pedestrian Polo.
We'll give you the rules and all of the principles of the game
as soon as we tell you a few of the things that you have to look out for.
There are different types of pedestrians.
First we have the out-of-towners, who comes into town and they wait for the light to change,
and finally decides that he won't cross because of the traffic, and he goes the other way.
Down the block about nine times, and he never gets anywhere.
In fact, he shouldn't have even come to town.
The writer that wrote that shouldn't have even handed it in.
Now we have a fellow that starts out here who is anxious to get over to Joe's place, and he jaywalks.
And after he comes out of jaywalks, he becomes an S-Walker.
Now an S-Walker is a man who walks like that, and then goes back over to Joe's place.
Now to be able to be a good pedestrian, you must be able to jump three ways at the same time.
There's another writer that did that.
Now the one thing that you must always remember when you're driving, especially.
Now there are different types of new things coming out every day.
We have the new bumper that has the rubber stamp on the front of it.
When you hit a pedestrian, it says, kill in this town.
Another thing we have is the floorboards.
It's made out of glass so that you can apologize to the pedestrian after you've run over him.
You must be sporty about this game at all times.
Now there is three lights, the traffic lights, that are very important in this game.
Now first is the red light, and then the orange light, and the green light.
Now the...
Well it looks like it's green anyhow. I'm color blind, it don't make any difference.
Anyhow, now the idea is, the principle of these lights is,
when the green light is on, and the orange light comes on, that means go fast so you won't hit the red one.
Now, there are different types of rules that you must follow at all times, and playing pedestrian polo.
First, the pedestrian.
However be too kind, no pedestrian.
If you see one, get him.
Now this is open season, and we have a score.
If you hit a man, that is five points.
If you hit a woman, that is fifteen points.
If you're carrying a baby, you add a half a point.
Now, the other day I hit a guy who was wearing a pant, but I didn't know what the score was.
I don't think he did either.
Now if you hit a man and knock him down in a sewer, that's a hole in one.
If you knock him through the air, knock him over fifty feet, that's called a birdie.
Now, one of the most important things to remember while playing pedestrian polo is to keep your windshield clean.
Because you may miss a pedestrian completely.
This is very heartbreaking, you know.
Now I suggest that you would use Tide.
Tide is very wonderful for washing all glassware.
This, by the way, if you haven't figured out, is the commercial part now.
This is the side of a window that has been washed with Tide, and this side has not.
You can see the difference.
There's a glass in there.
Now get ready to take this number down.
I'm going to give it to you any minute now.
I'm going to give you the number.
I can't give it to you just now.
Now, one thing I'd like to call your attention to is what the safety zones are for.
That's in case you hit somebody outside of them that don't count.
If someone steps out of the safety zone, knock them back in before you get out.
Now, a lot of accidents are caused because people really don't know how to drive.
Now, coming down here tonight, there was a car in front of me, and I'll tell you, this poor soul didn't know what she was doing.
It was an out-of-towner.
You can tell by the license plate.
We come to this red light, a stop light.
She stopped.
How do you like that?
Now, I'd like to call your attention to some of the things about Tide.
Now, Tide has a new bumper that we're putting out now, a Tide bumper that has a brush in it.
This is so when you hit a pedestrian, it sprinkles a little Tide over them, and then a can of water comes out and sprinkles the pedestrian,
and they get so mad when you knock them down and they get dirty.
This way, they'll get up and thank you for knocking them down.
Now, Tide is also – here's a car before it was washed with Tide, and here is the same car after it had been washed.
If you're very much interested in this, I would like to call your attention, not only does Tide get clothes cleaner than any soap,
not only does it get glassware sparkling bright, but it gets wash prints dazzling bright, and now we have – what's this?
Hand cues?
What's this?
What's that?
Tide is Tide to your hands.
Oh, Tide is Tide to your hands.
Scuffling Scrapple, how to make a salad.
Oh, boy, back on good old K.P. again, boy. That's amazing.
Now, look here, Willie. I'm your pal. I don't mind helping you out of these messes.
But I'm an MP.
I know. That means you're my pal.
You keep sticking my neck out.
Look, I had to get on K.P. again. They got a new general coming in here, and I don't want to go over that mortar pool and drive around that grass.
Look, I got in trouble with one of them guys, you know.
He came up to me, and I didn't salute him. He says, how come you didn't salute me? I said, I didn't know I was supposed to.
He says, you see these two stars? Let's go up that main line. He says, you got two boys in your service?
Where did you go anyway?
I went on a furlong.
You mean furlong?
No, I went too fur and stayed too long.
There ought to be something eating around here.
There ought to be something around here somewhere.
There's a gentleman!
That's the colonel?
Why, that poor little fellow, I doubt if he's even weaned yet.
I remember him when he was six foot tall.
What happened to him?
Oh, that's a Texan with all the hot air out of him.
Hey, you do me a favor, will you?
Sure.
You get a ride into town any time you want to go into town.
You do me a favor. They're going to make me cook for that new general, and will you do me a favor?
Have some of the boys on those details to unload some of that garbage up there, will you?
I will make the finest salad they have ever had.
Okay, I'll take care of it.
Good boy, you do that to me.
There must be something eating around here somewhere.
You'll never get rich.
Attention!
As you were, man, as you were.
I'm going home, I wasn't to say.
Oh, sorry.
Here, let me wipe that off for you.
Let's see what we have here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I beg your pardon?
Go right ahead, go right ahead.
Ah, mighty fine, mighty fine.
Hey, you'll be cooking in the officer's mansion no time at all.
Carry on, old man, carry on, man.
Carry on, Willie, carry on, Willie.
Say, that ain't bad.
Look at the size of that.
Oh, I wish I were a land of cotton.
I'm sorry.
Don't you realize the general is coming in here for lunch?
Don't you realize that there'll be a thousand men here for lunch?
Yes, and don't you realize I have to prepare the food, and I don't know what to cook.
I just don't know what to cook.
I mean, meat is so high now, I just don't know what to cook.
Yes, I know that meat is very expensive, but you see, that's why I'm here.
We're going to have a barbeque, sergeant?
I think what would be very good would be to have a large green mixed salad.
A mixed green salad for a thousand men?
Oh, let's not get sick, now.
Well, we'll get it all fixed up, then.
I'll go out here and get it for you.
All right, go right ahead.
Bring it in.
I've got to cook it, boys.
I've got to bring it in here.
Oh, you.
There we are.
Hey, did you get that, Thomas, the dough?
Yes, sir.
Good, good.
That's all.
How's that?
This will be nothing in no time, boys.
Well, there we go.
Phew.
Whoa!
Oh, my God.
All that meat and no potatoes.
Here comes the general.
No kidding.
Get in, sir.
Hey.
Well, sergeant, take this mess down to the dump.
Yes, ma'am.
You can't do that.
I'm a warrior.
Oh, lay down.
I know garbage when I see it.
Now, I'll be back.
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Mr. and Mrs.
Skelton, I'd like to say good night and thanks for listening.
The Red Skelton Show has been brought to you by Procter & Gamble's pie.
And remember, it's hard to get pie in the giant economy size.
More convenient, and it saves you money.
And remember, it's hard to get pie in the giant economy size.
More convenient, and it saves you money.