PRICE
Vol. II
August, 1921
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WhizJ3<mg
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No. 23
"tut
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Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang
America's Magazine of
Wit, Humor and
Filosophy
AUGUST, 1921
Vol. II.. No. 23
Published \XT TJ P , ~ T .r r . -H- at Robbinsdale,
Monthly « • "• r OWtCIlj Minnesota
Rural Route No. 2
Entered as second-class matter May I, 1920, at the postoffice at
Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the
Act of March 3. 1879
Price 25 cents $2.50 per year
Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part
permitted when properly credited to Capt, Billy's Whiz Bang.
"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is
loyalty to the American People." — Theodore Roosevelt.
Copyright 1921
By W.H.Fawcett
Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and
dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
pillin!IIIIIIIIUIIIIIIIII!lllllllll[i!lllllllll!IIIIIIIIIIU lllllllllll ,
j Drippings From the Fawcett
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A FEW months ago a newspaper friend of
mine in New Orleans wrote about having
taken a drink of the Louisiana brand and
then backing against a bale of cotton as - he
said: "Come on, boy, let's go." I didn't appre-
ciate his humor very much at that time because
I had been on the wagon for several months.
I had not touched the "fiery flare" that "steal-
eth away the mind" principally because the
morning after the night before found me in such
condition that it seemed to take months of the
"tapering off" process to get back in shape.
However, the devil got the upper hand again
and, as usual, there was the devil to pay. Some-
body presented me with a nice, new-appearing
black bottle bearing a shiny, greenish colored
label. The alleged bonded stamp had a peculiar
shade and indicated a bourbon of twelve sum-
mers. The contents, however, bore the taste of
a reverse action to an old maid's age. But the
cayenne pepper, ether and tobasco sauce got in
its damnable work.
Captain Billy s -Whiz Bang
Two hours later I passed by the Ashley Air-
port, located in Robbinsdale near the Whiz
Bang farm. Instead of backing against a bale
of cotton, I backed against a 90 horsepower
aeroplane, handed the pilot my last $50 and
said: "Come on, Gus, let's go." And, believe
me, Gus and I went some before we got off this
last "bender."
The pilot, Homer Cole, veteran of four
years' service in France, fulfilled his duties in
a business-like way, while Gus and myself were
filling ourselves in an unbusiness-like way. Our
first stop was Brainerd, Minn., a hustling city
about 150 miles north of Robbinsdale. We had
so much real or fancied fun on our first flight
that we enveigled Cole to make another leap of
22 miles to Breezy Point lodge in the old Indian
territory. Of course in the meantime we had
ridded ourselves of our visible supply of to-
basco sauce and both knew that our stay in
my Pequot log cabin resort must be brief.
Therefore, the very bright and brilliant idea
soaked in the hired man's dome, that an
airship would be a necessary permanent ad-
junct for traveling back and forth between
Robbinsdale and Pequot.
Gus conducted negotiations with Cole and
learned that his plane could be purchased on
the installment plan. The deal was soon closed
and at this writing the plane is partly ;mine.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 5
We managed to last it out for one day in the
North pine woods and early next morning
hopped off for Minneapolis, with its fond mem-
ories of many mills and motley moonshine.
Later in the day, my brother, Harvey, who now
conducts the business end of the little old Whiz
Bang, located Gus and I in a gin mill. He*
handed me a nice letter of invitation to attend
a convention of the Independent Magazine Dis-
tributors at the Schlitz Hotel at Atlantic City.
While the convention notice sounded ?nighty
good, the name of the hotel suggested a hanker-
ing for the good old days.
Gus was heart-broken to think that I would
leave him behind and as he had performed
valiant service as caretaker of Pedro, our pedi-
greed bull, and the cows and chickens during
many years as Whiz Bang farm hand, I grant-
ed his plea to accompany me.
We landed safe, sound and, as usual, sick
in the McAlpin in New York City. It was
Gus' longest train ride and incidentally his first
visit to the big village. At the outset he re-
fused to remove his overalls, rubber collar and
red necktie, which was quite embarrassing to
me. We had a swell room on the tenth flight,
with carpets on the floor and brass buttoned
fellows to wait on us. We were informed we
could get no liquor in New York unless we
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
were Enright. Gus promptly formed the ad-
vance guard on the Great White Way, or what-
ever you call it, and soon we were both in right.
After an eye opener or two, my hired man
asked the genial barkeep for the location of
the wash-room. He was shown an ante-room
which bore the sign : "Gentlemen." He walked
right in anyway. Nothing in New York seemed
to deter this faithful; simple Minnesota farm-
hand.
That night we received a telegram from
Robbinsdale cautioning us to make reservations
in the Schlitz Hotel at Atlantic City, as that
institution might be full on account of the con-
vention. Gus read the message to me, threw it
in the waste basket as he nonchalantly re-
marked: "If the Schlitz Hotel is full it has
nothing on me."
The next day it was Atlantic City or bust.
We arrived in rather good shape and were
assigned a pleasant room overlooking the At-
lantic and the famous boardwalk. I induced
Gus to take a bath, although he insisted he
didn't need one and that anyway it wasn't the
right time of the month. A little bribe, how-
ever, brought him around to his senses and
after his plunge, I handed him a ten dollar bill
to go about and enjoy himself. Before leaving
the room he was strictly cautioned to beware
of pickpockets.
Captain Billps Whiz Bang
Gus returned several hours later and, I am
sorry to relate, was a little the worse for wear.
He had a puzzled, sorrowful look on his face.
After a few moments of hesitation he confessed
— he had been "touched." The mystery of the
missing mazuma was cleared later that night
when I coaxed him to take off his socks before
crawling into bed. There in the dark recess
of his left light blue stocking was hidden a
five and a two dollar bill. "Gosh, but I for-
got all about hiding it," he exclaimed with a
sigh of relief.
Next day we "dolled up" as pretty as pos-
sible so as to be somewhat presentable at the
convention banquet. We had just started to
leave the room when Gus became so grief
stricken that I was forced to cancel the engage-
ment and remain by his bedside. The shock
came in the form of a telegram from Maggie r
the hired girl, and read as follows:
"Pedro took violently ill last night from heart disease
— Horse Doctor Hawkins unable to diagnose his sickness
and Pedro was rushed on truck to Minneapolis — Bull spe-
cialists in the Midway Packing plant say his trouble is
homesickness due to Gus' absence — All hope given up —
What shall we do?"
An hour later, while Gus was still shedding
tears and demanding that we return home at
once, we received a second message, this one
from my brother, which read :
8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
"Fedro died at 6:00 o'clock — Does Gus want his body
brought to Robbinsdale for burial? — A son was born to the
Hereford cow one hour after Pedro passed — Have named
him Pedro Junior after his father, which assures continua-
tion of the Pedro Bullage."
Pedro's death and my intermittent head-
aches rather dampened our spirits and so we
started back for Robbinsdale. Waiting in Chi-
cago for our connections to Minnesota, and
wishing to cheer up Gus and to ease the pain
of Pedro's death I said to him, "Gus, you have
done pretty gocd on the trip so I will get you
something nice. What do you want?" We were
just passing a bird store and and Gus said,
"Get me a pet monkey." So I bought him a
ring tail monk, which he now has at Breezy
Point and with which he spends most of his
time after his day's work.
As this is written I have somewhat over-
come the effects of tapering off, but the mem-
ory of this last jamboree has made an ever-
lasting record on Gus' snoose dampened mind.
* * *
DEACON MILLER'S son, Pete, has a new
racket. It appears that he bought a gol-
den trombone from some Chicago mail
order house, and ever;/ night he entertains the
boys and girls of the neighborhood with his
melodies. Everybody likes to see the way Pete
is coming to the front and when it comes to
playing fast music, etc., Pete can slide that
Captain Bilh's Whiz Bang
IN MEMORIAM
GUS and Maggie wish to express their
heartfelt thanks for the kind sym-
pathy and the beautiful flowers at-
tending the recent bereavement of their be-
loved Pedro, famed pedigreed bull, to whom
we were very much attached and who died
from shortness of breath, superinduced by
a severe case of homesickness, due to the
absence of his favored master, Gus, during
Mr. Gus' recent trip to Broadway. It is
our joy and comfort to let our many friends
know that Pedro's place in our hearts. will
be partly filled by his young son, Pedro, Jr.
WE WENT to church last Sunday for a
change and the minister preached a
sermon about Lot's wife looking back
and turning into a pillar of salt. We were tell-
ing Gus, our hired man, about the sermon, and
Gus says he was walking around Robbinsdale
Monday evening and saw the minister strolling
with Deacon Smith's wife, and when they
looked back and saw Gus, both of them turned
into a dark side street.
10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
hiiin titiiiiHimiM
WHIZ BANG readers will remember some
time ago we got a letter from a fellow
on the Pacific Coast who enquired if his
long lost brother from Sweden was our hired
man, Gus. It developed later that this was
true and Gus and his brother, Ole, staged a re-
union the other day, but as Gus' brother is not
any too dainty and as he has weak pedals, I was
unable to find a position for him on the Whiz
Bang farm. However, Gus solved the difficulty
by getting his brother a job as street cleaner
in Robbinsdale, and after the first day, Ole quit
and said that Robbinsdale was too fast for
him. At least that is the impression we got
from him, for he said Robbinsdale was no one
horse town.
* * *
RUS MORRISSEY says we were in error in
declaring that a whiffenpoof was a fish
that swims backwards to keep water out
of its eyes, and that a whiffenpoof really is a
dog whose left legs are shorter than its right
legs so that the said whiffenpoof dog can walk
around a hill without losing its balance. Some
dorg, we'd say!
♦ sfc *
A Succulent Table d'Hote
The cow stood in the pasture field,
Her joy was most complete
For with her was her baby calf
A dining tete-a-tete.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 11
Our Movie Gossip
."iiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiniiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiuiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiioiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuniiinniii
T
BY RICHMOND
HE Whiz Bang is hearing all sorts of
rumors and gossip wheezes from the
movie camps surrounding the City of
igels, regarding the antics of Clara^Snlith Ha-
:mon, who recently was freed- ArCme Ardmore,
'Oklahoma, shootinffcase" and who is now at-
tempting tojireakmto the picture game with
3ier "lifja--story" to teach young girls to beware
~~OiTkings and others.
According to the concensus of whisperings,
Clara is having a difficult time getting studio
.•artists to work for her in the production of the
alleged "reform" photoplay. It is reported she
is offering fabulous salaries from the fund of
$10,000 which Jake Hamon is supposed to have
left her, in an endeavor to put over the pic-
ture. One camera man said he was offered $500
a week, and Mason Litson, former Goldwyn
director, was reported to have turned down an
nffer of $750 a week.
12 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Los Angeles says that besides the Motion
Picture Directors' association voting to expel
any member who aids Clara, the Screen
Writers' Guild has taken action against the
Hamon photoplay. If all this dope is true,
Clara will have a job on her hands illustrating
her adventures to young girls via the screen
play. Even after the play is produced, if it
ever is, Clara will find it a task to find the-
atres to exhibit it in.
Pauline Frederick is now on her way west
again from a recent trip to New York. They
say she whispered to a close friend in the depot
in New York as she was leaving, that she and
Willard Mack will again wed very soon.
This recalls to mind the gossip-that revolved
about their previous engagement when Pauline
was playing at the Famous studio in New York-— -
City several years ago. "While she and Mack
were engaged — he was waiting to get a divorce
from Marjorie Rambeau at the time — it is said
he wavered for a time and showed a decided
inclination toward returning to the fair and
beautiful Marjorie. Pauline became so alarm-
ed over losing her playwright prize that it is
said she approached Marjorie.
So Pauline got him, then they separated.
Last winter the beautiful Barbara Castleton,
former Goldwyn star, went east, joined one of
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 13
Willard Mack's vaudeville acts, and it was re-
ported was engaged to wed Mack. They, too,
were prevented from carrying out an imme-
diate marriage because of one of those bother-
some final decrees.
Barbara, by the way, while at the Goldwyn
studio was one day discovered in a refined but
tempestuous love scene with a tall, raven-
haired English actor. Maybe it was part of a
picture, but took place way out on a dark, de-
serted stage beneath a huge black cloth used to
keep the dust off from the furniture ! An elec-
trician stumbled upon the romantic scene and
when the story was whispered about the studio
it is said the poor electrician was cross ques-
tioned and put through the third degree by
Hollywood's best gossips.
It seems that the English actor has a wife
somewhere in the Empire — Australia or Ire-
land — so Barbara was daily reported to be in-
fatuated with some other admirer. It seems
her romantic passion for Mack "took," for she
allowed the press to announce the fact that
they intended to wed when he won his decree
from the emotional Pauline, "Polly" as she is
known.
Another interesting angle of the case is to
the effect that Pauline never rode a horse until
last winter. One of the Goldwyn pictures re-
quired this feat, so one perfectly handsome cow-
14 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
boy was engaged to teach "Polly" to ride. The
riding lessons were frequent all winter and
Hollywood expected, to hear of one of those
"high born lady chauffeurs" — in this case cow-
boy star — marriages. However, that's now
cold.
i\: ^; :J:
Our Program
This is a modern society drama in four acts :
Act I. Their eyes meet.
Act II. Their lips meet.
Act III. Their souls meet.
And then what do you suppose meets? Theis*
attorneys.
# $ $
Sign in a laundry window:
"I want your duds,
In my suds."
To the Rear, March
Army teamsters are known for their science
of cursing. One of the trucks was deep in the
mud and defied all his efforts and curses. A
chaplain passing just then shocked.
"Friend, don't you know who died for sin-
ners?" he said. The answer was quick, "Damn
your conundrums; can't you see I'm stuck in
the mud?"
Without further questions the chaplain de-
cided to retreat.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 15
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Limber Kicks
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He sipped the nectar from her lips,
As neath the moon they sat;
And wondered if another man
Had drank a mug" like that.
* * *
A tool chest was the old hen's nest,
I'll bet you cannot match it;
She cackled when she tried to set
Upon a nail and hatchet.
A passing breeze
Exposed her knees;
Milady did not care,
She biushed for fear
Her naked ear
Might cause the men to stare.
* * *
Mamma, loves papa,
Papa loves zvimmin;
Mamma caught papa
In swimmin' zvith zvimmin.
The Romance
A
girl
A
man
A
pefect
moon
A
bench
A
sigh
A
perfect
spoon
A bride
A groom
A scrap or two
Old stuff
You say
Alas! Too true.
16 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
Hard to Explain!
A bit in doubt as to whether her husband
had gone to their mountain cabin with male
escorts, friend wife decided to call up and find
out. The following conversation took place :
Husband— Hello! Hello!
Wife — Hello, dear, what are you doing?
Husband — Whv, I was just washing out my
X, Y, Z's.
Central on the wire— I'm "wringing" them!
Bang ! ! !
* * *
Mother may I a-riding go?
Yes, my sweet Lucille
But give your friend this sound advise,
Keep one hand on the wheel.
* * *
All forms of love, I know tis true
Are bound to cause a quake or two
But still I'm betting, the most upsetting
Is love in a canoe.
* * *
A girl is getting old when she begins to sigh
over the pictures in the album.
* * *
Living together when tied with the bonds of
matrimony is often a knotty life.
* * *
The solid man has no sediment in his make-
up.
What is home without a cellar?
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 17
jpHII!ll»mil!lli!!IIIIIIIIIII!!iUlilll[|!llll!!lll!llll!«IIIIIIU!lli!ll lll!»!:llllllllllI!lllllll!!lllllll!lllll!llllllUI!IIUHilllllllllllUlllllllllH[|[illlllllljlllUllllllllilllll!IIIUI!]lUlllllilHi£
I Bobbed Hair Genii
auiiiiNNiiiniiii mm m
ALTHOUGH the rest of New York can't
seem to see why they are so excited about
it, all the high brow married ladies of
Greenwich Village are in a lather of emotion.
Ruth Hale has set 'em free.
Rah for liberty, freedom and Ruth!
Owing to Ruth, the down-trodden girls with
bobbed hair and hubbies, no matter how many
times they are married, need not lug around
the old man's name any longer. No more of
this "Mrs." stuff south of Washington Square.
It seems that the young lady genii who in-
habit the Village and have flights of soul and
yearn and yearn, occasionally fall in love and
get married and go to live in apartments with
kitchenettes, dumb waiters, husbands and other
furniture. But to their intense indignation,
the butcher and everybody right away begins
calling them Mrs. Thingambob, entirely for-
getting the undying fame of the names they
used to sign to their poems. So the girls pro-
ceeded to strike.
18 Ca t ta{n BiU $' s Whiz Bang
Fannie Hurst, the lady who says her hus-
band comes to call on her twice a week, Inez
Gillmore, who is married to Will Irwin, and a
lot of girls similarly encumbered, organized the
Lucy Stone League, Lucy being a lady who re-
fused to stand for the outrage way back in
^855. Euth Hale was one of the members. She
is a writer young lady who married Heywood
Broun, the ■dramatic critic, and dared anybody,
to call her Mrs. Broun.
The United States government took the
dare. When she wanted to go to Europe, the
State Department got* in bad with Greenwich
Village by writing out her passport in the
name of "Mrs. Heywood Broun." She indig-
nantly refused to accept it, refusing to go to
Europe at all and leaving the place flat.
She has now won what the girls consider
to be a tremendous victory for "The Cause."
Through the courts she has compelled a real
estate owner to deed a certain piece of property
to "Heywood Broun and Ruth Hale, his wife."
The Greenwich Village ladies straightaway
celebrated the event by adopting a new con-
stitution for the Lucy Stone League — which is
one way of giving a cheer, not to say a yell of
triumph.
If it's all right with Ruth, it's all right with
me, but it is certainly going to make complica-
tions. You will have to keep dragging the host
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 19
of the party off to one side and keep demand-
ing in a hoarse whisper, "Say, before this goes
any further, is this Jane somebody's wife?"
There's also another terrible affair in the
Village. Every bobbed hair is on end with ex-
citement over what happened to "Grace" of the
famous "Grace's Garret." This is one of the
places in the Village where they get together
and tell each other how the jealous magazine
editors have turned down their work through
spite.
Grace Godwin — of course, she has a husband
named Sperry, but that doesn't count — runs the
place, she says, more as a harbor for lonely
souls than as a depot for eats. Well, the other
day, five or six lonely souls happened in for a
dish of tea; but all the said lonely souls were
inhabiting black bodies. Grace called the light-
est colored one aside and told him how it was.
Of course, the Village is awfully democratic
and all that but — well, he ought to be able to
see for himself — with so many of the other
lonely souls being hot-headed Southerners and
all. How was she to know that the colored
brother was a famous sociologist with a Yale
degree and that the rest of the party were all
university high brows. They brought law
suits against her and got a verdict for $600,
which is more money than the Village ever
heard of at one time before. Grace of "Grace's
20 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
Garret" has given the Village solemn warning
that if any more dark tinged lonely souls come
along she is going to close "The Garret" and
move out of the Village.
But if it comes to that, everybody else is
moving out of the Village anyhow. So many
purse-proud outsiders have invaded New
York's Latin Quarter that the rents are mur-
der in the first degree. The real Villagers are
moving out to Brooklyn — than which there
could be no worse fate for a Villager.
Ziegfield Follies girls tell me that all the
time the police were supposed to be searching
for Nicky Arnstein, the alleged bond robber,
Nicky was in his wife's dressing room. He is
married to Fannie Brice of the Follies and used
to come to the show every night disguised as
her colored maid.
Now that we are on the topic, a burning
' piece of information should be hurried out to
•the waiting world. Ziegfield says that here-
after he is going to have all the chorus men
in the show sing from behind the scenes. No-
body wants to see them anyhow. Hereafter,
they just represent noise — like a drum.
A little movie girl of my acquaintance has
recently joined the Follies and what she sees
behind the scenes at the Famous beauty show
fills her with awe for the human appetite.
\
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 21
liiiwmiiirtttiiiiittiintiiimtiiiiiiiiii
"To tell you the truth," she says, "Those
girls don't care much about millionaires. They
infinitely prefer to go around with chauffeurs
because they don't have to worry about which
fork to eat with. They have to have million-
aires around on account of their appetites. No
ordinary fortune could keep those girls filled
up. In a previous existence most of them must
have been boa constrictors. They eat all the
time. One girl, famous for her beauty, starts
in with a good dinner before the show. All
during the intervals when she is not on the
stage, she has waiters bring her lunches in her
dressing room. Her bill averages forty dollars
a week for the little snacks she eats between
her dinner before the show and the supper with
a millionaire after the show. That girl ought
to marry a Service of Supply Depot."
The little newcomers says that nearly all
the lovely beauties whom we have imagined as
dining on lark's tongues and poetry have ap-
petites like traffic cops.
What they need in New York right now is
a new country for the movie stars to be born in.
They have a dreadful time trying to get Pola
Negri located. Ever since the foreign pictures
began to pour in with this Negri lady in the
leading part of most of the plays, they have
been trying to get her born in some inoffensive
place. The press agents have had her in turn
22 Ca P, tain Bill l s W—,3™,&
an Italian, a Swiss, an Austrian and a Rou-
manian. As a matter of fact the lady's real
name is Paulette Schwartz. I can't possibly
imagine what her nationality can be!
Similarly worried, the film magnates have
finally decided that Josef Schildkraut is part
Turkish and part Roumanian.
Well, never mind, they are both great ar-
tists. Two of the greatest Europe has ever
sent us.
Oddly enough, Pola Negri has reconciled the
rival film producers to the horrors of censor-
ship. Only a few weeks ago, they were appeal-
ing to high heaven to be saved from the mon-
ster. Now it has occurred to them that cen-
sorship is the only protection the American film
industry has against being swept to destruction
by cheap but beautiful German pictures.
The competition is almost murderous. "Pas-
sion," the super film in which Negri first ap-
peared in America and which would have cost
at least half a million dollars in the United
States, was made for $22,000 in Berlin. Pola
Negri gets a salary whose bigness has made
Germany open its eyes; in our money it would
be only $45 a week. Of course, there could be
but one outcome to competition like that.
Nearly all the German pictures and particular-
ly all those of Pola Negri are decidedly "rough"
in spots. They are very much bedroom, etc.
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 2
3
The American censors may save the situation
by cutting the gizzards out of them. A big
Italian picture recently arrived in New York
wherein the extra people were paid four cents
a day. It was a very beautiful and very fine
picture. There's no denying it. Only the cen-
sors can save the movies.
That long suffering and modest soul, Evelyn
Nesbit, has finally retired from the stage after
some years spent in a vain attempt to startle
the world with her "message" to young girls.
She has opened a novelty store in the "roaring
fifties" in New York City and will manage it
in person.
Sweet Essence of Prune Juice
From "Rainbozv," a Novel
He kissed her with his soft enveloping kisses
and she responded to them completely; her
mind, her soul gone out.
Darkness cleaving to darkness, she hung
close to him, pressed herself into the soft flow
of his kiss, pressed herself down, down to the
source, and core of his kiss, herself covered and
enveloped in the warm, fecund flow of his kiss
that traveled over her, flowed over the last
fiber of her, so they were one stream, one dark
fecundity and she clung at the core of him with
lips holding open the very bottomest source of
her.
24 Ca t> tain Bill l s whiz Ban i
Drummers, Front and Center, March!
The Sunday School teacher had been tell-
ing her class about the benefits of being good.
At the end of her discourse, she turned to a
bright-eyed little miss and asked:
"Where do good little girls go when they
die?"
"To heaven," was the prompt reply.
"And where do the bad girls go?"
"To the depot to see the traveling men
come in."
Justification
"Brass shines with use; good garments would be worn;
Houses not dwelt in, are in dust forlorn.
Beauty not exercised, with age is spent —
Nor one or tzvo men are sufficient !"
— Marlowe.
;*: :£ s's
Starting the Day Right
A pretty stenographer had been transferred
by the firm to another city. The first morning
after the change had been made, she came into
her new office, hung her hat and coat on the
rack and meandered leisurely to the boss' desk.
"Well," she said, "I suppose you start in the
clay here the same as we do in Blanktown?"
"Why, yes, I suppose so," replied the boss.
"Well, come on, then, kiss me so I can start
wQjking."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 25
gllllllli!]llil!llllllllll!illlllllllili!llllllillilliillllllllli!llillllllllllll IllllllllllUlillllUinilUIIIIIIUIillilSlilllllllllllll lllllll!llllll:illllllllll!l!l!ll!lillllN!llllllll!l!ll!l!lll!llllllllll§
Questions and Answers
SllU|[[ll!i;il!lliiI!lll;ll!ll!llllllllll[lll!INIIIIIII]ll! Il!lllllll!!llllllllll!!!i!lll!l!llllllllll!llll!llll!llll!lllllli[llllll!!!llll^
Dear Captain — Why is it that people say
I remind them of a river? — T. Bone.
» Perhaps it is because your mouth is bigger
than your head.
* * *
Dear Skipper — What is meant by a trium-
virate? — Bob O. Link.
Agnes, Mabel and Becky.
H 1 ♦ ^
Dear Cap — I have often wondered where all
the jokes came from.— A I Fresco.
I don't know, where were you born?
* ♦ $
Dear Bill — My feet are always cold. Do you
know anything I could do for them? — Jean
Ology.
Did you ever try shining your shoes with
stove polish?
* * *
Dear Captain — I found a pair of ice tongs
in my parlor. What shall I do? — Art I. Choke.
Demand a reduction in your ice bill.
26 Ca P iain Bill }?' s whiz Ban S
Dear Cap. Bill — Judging from your last let-
ters to me your fountain pen must leak all of
the time. Why not get a new one? — Maggie
Zeen.
No, you are mistaken. It leaks only when
I've got ink in it.
Dear Cap — Can you give me an example of
the height of curiosity? — Otto Mattick.
A woman sticking her finger into a bowl of
soup to see if it leaves a dent.
My Dear Captain — I admire you very much
and wish to tell you that I am a neat, nifty and
nice little girl. All of my hats are from Paris,
though I must confess my stockings were all
made in America. Would you like to see Paris?
— CMoro Form.
No, I'm patriotic. I'd rather see America
first.
Dear Cap — How come that your hired man,
Gus, is a born musician? — Simon Konshush.
Because he has drums in his ears.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy — How can I impress upon
my sweetheart that I am really in love with
her? — Jim Crowe.
While talking to her, heave your chest up
and down like the men in the movies.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 27
Dear Capt. Billy — Lately I have been keep-
ing company with a delightful girl. Unfor-
tunately, however, she is inclined to wear her
skirts too short. Could you advise me how I
can get her to lengthen them without offending
her?—/. H oo fit
Hoofit, old dear, you should learn to be
diplomatic. The best way to accomplish the
result is to say something like this, "Sweet- ;
heart, your eyes are simply dazzling, but no
one will ever notice them, unless you lengthen 1
your skirts.
* * *
Dear Skipper — What is meant by "Mind j
your P's and Q's?" — Dear Dairy Maid.
Probably means "Mind your pints and
quarts."
% % :£
Dear Capt. Billy — I have just been married
and would like your advice on how long I should
cook spaghetti.— Mrs. Dis N. Terry.
Spaghetti should not be cooked too long.
About ten inches is right.
j£ :£ ;£
t Dear Skipper Bill—A land-lubber friend of
mine recently joined the Navy and has been
assigned to my ship. Could you please suggest
a practical joke to play on him during his first
trip at sea? — Jack Tarr.
Bet him a dollar he'll come in the next roll.
28 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Dear Captain Billy — I visited a nice little
girl the other evening and she would not let
me kiss her. Instead, she insisted on kissing a
perfumed Persian kitten she held in her lap.
What would you advise me to do? — Bashful
Bert.
On your next visit, select a dark and dismal
night and at the psychological time meow like a
cat. Maybe she won't know the difference.
* ^ sfc
Dear Captain Billy — I am a young married
man. There is a handsome married woman, the
wife of a traveling man, across the hall. She
has a phonograph and each evening when he is
awav she plavs such records as: "Lonesome,"
"I Know That You Are Married," "Won't You
Come Over to My House," "Won't You Come
Over and Play?" Do you think I should take a
..- ch ance ? — Phical Phil.
You are hereby referred to the poem "John-
ny and Frankie," which appears in the Smoke-
■ house section of this issue.
9 * *
Dear Captain — What large stream flows
j from North to South? — D. Jennie Rate.
Hootch, my dear.
* * *
Dear Capf. Billy — When I sing I get tears
in my eyes. What can I do for this?
Stuff cotton in your ears.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 29
piiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHimiiiiiiiiiiiiiwiiiBiiiiiiiw
| Our Monthly Drammer
^niiiJiiiiiEiLiJiiiiiLUHUJiiHiJiiiiJiJiiijjJiifrmniiiiiiiiJiiiiiinrFfTi;! iiiiiiiMini niiiiiiiiniriiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiJiiiiiiiiJiiiiitiiiiiiJJiJiiiiiiiiiiiirTistiiiiimrmiiuiEmii iiiirrriiimiiiiixjiiiiiiJiiiniiii^S
"YOU HOLD MY WIFE"
A Comedy On "Behold My Wife"
BY JAMES STARR
THERE is in "You Hold My Wife," which
George Selford has screened from Sir Fil-
bert Barker's "The Translation of a
Shimmy Dancer," the sort of romance that
appeals to all the primitive story-loving in-
stincts of the widely known human race. A
bum of an Englishman seeking a fortune in
the Judson Bay country hears from home that
his fiancee has not married another man as he
had hoped she would. He is led to believe his
own family had deliberately planned to go
against his plans. To be even with them he
drinks a pint of likker, marries an Indian girl,
Lali, the daughter of old Fry-on-the-moon, and
ships her to England as his wife. The good
sports of the English family, dismayed and
shocked, take the savage in hand and, of course,
turn her out a raving beauty in two reels. So
that when the bum English chap, stricken final-
ly by remorse and put on his feet by a two-gal-
30 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
iimiiiimminimii inn imiiiiiiimiiiiiiirmiiHim
Ion can of likker, returns to England to recover
his squaw, he finds her a social sensation of the
season and the mother of a fine little son. He
tells her that it is not his son, she faints, he
cries to the servant, who is handy, "You Hold
My Wife," the servant does. The English chap
leaves the house and joins a circus.
"MIDSUMMER BADNESS"
, A Comedy On "Midsummer Madness"
THERE are a few directors of pictures you
can not depend upon for the sane, sen-
sible and spirited productions. Billie The
Mille is one, no longer just Sesil's brother, but
one who calls himself a director, no one knows
why, but he does. Billy's latest is a photo-
graphic essay, a world beater, a sensation, but
it is unbelievable. The Mille has woven a real
bum story, telling it by captions and not by
pictures, such as all good directors do some
time in their life, we all make mistakes, and
Billy has just started at the beginning of his
long list. No one knows just why this picture
was made, but it doesn't make any difference to
the restless public, they will stand for anything
and Billy knows it. He is a wise guy. In the
siory there is the new idea of the neglectful
husband and a guy that likes this guy's wife,
the neglectful husband likes the other guy's
wife. They should swap each other's wife and
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 31
let it gp at that, but Billy wouldn't have it
that way v , so he made them love each other for
awhile and then he tore them apart. The mas-
ter of this picture put in a subtitle reading
"The End' r and let the public go home for the
evening to sT.art a drama of their own.
* * *
The Sydney, Bulletin tells a fairly good story
about family foibles. Here it is:
The thud-this.d of swiftly moving feet gave
me warning as T was about to turn the corner,
and I drew back to avoid a collision. An agi-
tated figure, his breath coming in sobs, whirled
past me and leaped en to a car that was leaving
the car-stop; and almost at the same moment
another shape shot around the corner and fell
upon me. He releasee? me at once and apolo-
gized profusely. Gazing furiously at the car,
now fading in the distance, he explained the
situation. "That man's \yife," he said bitterly,
"ran away from him and c^ime to be my house-
keeper, and just now, when I got home, I found
him trying to make love to her. The dirty cur."
The clock struck nine, I looked at her,
Her lips zuere rosy red; i
"At quarter after nine, I meaib\
To steal a kiss," I said. ' •
She cast a roguish glance at me,
And then she whispered lozv \
With quite her sweetest little smile, \
"The clock's like you — it's slow.™
32 Captain Billys Wlriz Bang
pUlllllllllli!llll!!llllll!l!!ll!l!IIINIII!llllll[!l!illllllllllillil!llll!llll!lllilllllll!!llllll![!l!lll^
| Bang Editorials \
"The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet. '"
fwimriFiFinnj > iut ■ ntiEiimiTii iiMiimu rMiinnri nut nuiiiijn miiiiujuiiiiinni liriiiituiiiiiiiitiuiiii'.nii^jiiiiiiiitiiiiiman i i J iii mi JiniiiiniimiiinttiilnnMiiHmn^S
AUDREY MUNSON, th* darling of the
studios, is telling the poor but patient
public what gorgeous parties some of the
artists have pulled off, and speaks breathlessly
of champagne baths ar.a rose-covered stair-
ways. It is nothing new, Audrey; the ancients,
in the matter of luxjfifry and license, could
knock any of the present day sports for a row
of Chinese pagodas.
I have recently been engaged in reading two
very interesting histories, the one of the rose,
the other of the perfumes, in reading which I
was deeply impr-^sed with the fact that all the
civilizations of '^e past, previous to their down-
fall, had their rose fetes, their festivals of
flowers, their, 'perfumed halls and extravagant
balls and soirees. Before the fall of the Roman
empire; th^i wealthy abandoned themselves to
pleasure, Viuxury and licentiousness and such
expression's as "living in the midst of roses" and
"sleeping on a bed of roses" had a deep and
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang . do
= • i r r i 5 1 1 ■ ■ r mi Mir
tragic meaning. Seneca speaks of Smyndiride,
who could not sleep if one of the rose petals
with which his bed was spread, happened to be
curled. Cicero alludes to the then prevailing
custom among the Romans of reclining at the
table on couches covered with roses. Ah, my
jeweled buddies there were Adonises in those
days!
When Cleopatra, the perfumed serpent of
the Nile, went into Cilicia to meet Mark An-
tony, she gave him for several successive days
a festival such as the gods themselves would
not blush to participate in. She had placed in
the banqueting hall twelve couches large
enough to hold three guests. Purple tapestry
interwoven with gold covered the walls, golden
vases admirably executed and enriched with
precious stones, stood on a magnificent gold
floor. On the fourth day the queen caused the
floor of the hall to be covered with roses to the
depth of eighteen inches. These flowers were
retained in a very fine net to allow the guests
to walk over them.
Nero, the fiddler of burning Rome and the
tyrant par excellence of his day, gave a fete on
the gulf of Baiae when inns were established
on the banks and ladies of noble blood plajred
hostesses to the occasion, the roses alone cost-
ing more than four million of sesterces, or
$100,000.
34 . Captain Billys Whiz Bang
Before her downfall Rome could spend mil-
lions on her royal tables, support the dignity
of a single senator at $80,000 a year, employ
courts for sychophants and flatterers, impose
taxes at the pleasure of her ruler, declare any
complaint treason, marry her daughters for
money and titles, employ notaries to attest the
fatness of her banquet fowls, punish men with
death for trivial offenses and make slaves and
menials of the profoundest philosophers.
Considering their natural limitations, those
old boys set a pace that would keep anybody
hustling to keep up with them. The sports of
several generations back might have been veri-
table hicks compared to the modern brand, but
those of several centuries back didn't take a
back seat for none — and don't yet!
£ ♦ $
IN THE MAY issue of last year, when Whiz
Bang was a baby in the magazine field, we
published a poem famed over the West
Coast, "The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band,"
which we obtained after much effort from a
former convict of San Quentin penitentiary,
wherein this masterpiece was written. With-
in a week after the Whiz Bang, containing the
first publication of this poem, reached San
Francisco, that city had sold out every copy,
and a day or two later none could be purchased
from Canada to Mexico on the western slope.
1 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 35
The Whiz Bang mail box was full every day
with requests for more copies of the issue con-
| taining "The Blue Velvet Band."
Consequently, we republished the poem in
our October issue, which we also called our first
Annual. The big rush of the May issue was
repeated in October, and from that time on we
have been flooded with requests for copies of
the poem. One enthusiast offered us a ten spot
if we'd have Gus, the hired man, copy the poem
from our personal files for him.
This year we are making the Winter An-
nual a separate book, with four times as much
reading matter. "The Blue Velvet Band," the
verse of the dope layout, the burglar and the
inner walls of San Quentin. "Lasca," the tale
of the stampede, "The Face on the Bar-room
Floor," and "-Johnnie and Frankie," are some
of the poems scheduled for the "Pedigreed Fol-
lies of 1921-22" in October.
sfc ^J ;£
Probably a Boxing Match
She (just back from Paris) : "I can't go to
this dance tonight, my trunks haven!t arrived."
He: "Good Lord, what kind of a dance do
you think this is going to be?"
If you interfere between man and wife, re-
member this, that they will be friends again
and you won't.
36 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
piiiiiiiiiiiinii!ii!iiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii]iiii»ii!iiiiiniii]iiiii;iiiiiiiiiw
| Smokehouse Poetry
ll!llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll[IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!llllll!niHI!llll!llllllllU^
In the September issue Smokehouse Poetry will
feature The Unwritten Law by Budd McKillips,
author of After the Raid, which scored such a re-
cent success in the Whiz Bang, and Angela Mor-
gan's poem, Betrayed.
Bad, hopelessly bad!
I yielded to love that sways mankind,
Not the mere measure of bodily pleasure,
But love thai zvakes in the soul and mind,
Bom of the spirit at God's behest;
And I bartered all I had,
I, with the warmth of a child at my breast —
Am bad, hopelessly bad!
That is the start of Miss Morgan's plea for the
woman who falls and brings to memory the biblical
words, "Let him who is without sin cast the first
stone." There will be several other red-blooded
gems in the smokehouse poetry section next month.
The Far East
By the mud hole down in Subie,
Looking lazy at the hay,
There's a goo - goo dame awaiting,
And I think I hear her say,
"Come you back, you malo soldier
Come you back, from o'er the sea,
Come you back and pay your jaw- bone
Por-a-que you jaw-bone me."
Her little skirt was baggy,
Only reaches to her knees,
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37
Her hair is black and greasy
And it is full of bugs and fleas,
Her teeth are black with betel nut,
Or colored with dark red paint,
Her name is Donna Marie,
The same as her patron saint.
When the rain fills up the rice fields,
And soaks us exiles to the skin
We all go down to "Bino Mary's"
And tank up on square faced gin,
With her arms around my shoulders,
And her cheeks to mine pressed close,.
And I smell her breath , Oh! Glory,
I have to hold my nose.
But I've left it all behind me,
Thank God, I'm far away,
Back here in God's own country,
And you bet your boots, I'll stay,
And I'm learning in my old home town
That folks are wise who say,
When you hear that "Far East" calling \
Just be wise and stay away. ^
No more have I of the "Dhoby"
Or the awful prickly heat,
But 1 walk out in the evening,
With a maiden fair and sweet.
Just give me one good Yankee girl,
Looking like my own,
And the goo-goo girls are welcome,
To the "gink" that wrote this poem.
Woman
Oh, woman, woman, woman;
You are something more than human!
Ever changing, ever charming
And sometimes quite alarming.
And though you break our banks,
We can only speak our thanks;
With forms so fair and hearts so true
We live and die for worn for vou!
38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Frankie and Johnnie Blues
EDITOR'S NO TE : The following stanzas are
part of the song: "Frankie and Johnnie Blues."
The poem is too long to be published in the regidar
issue of the Whiz Bang, but it zvill be reproduced
IN FULL in the Winter Annual of Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-1922.
Frankie went down to the corner,
To buy herself some near beer,
Says to the handsome bartender,
Has my loving man been here?
He is my man
But he is doing me wrong.
I ain't going to tell you no story,
Ain't going to tell you no lies,
Johnnie left here an hour ago
With a party called Nellie Bly,
He is your husband,
But he is doing you wrong,
Frankie went back to the Bly house,
Didn't go back there for fun,
Underneath her red kimona,
She carried a 44 gun.
She's after the man
That was doing her wrong.
Frankie knocked on the door,
Frankie pushed on the bell,
Open that door you "crooked girl"
Or I'll blow you clear to — well,
You've got my man,
That's doing me wrong.
Thirteen girls dressed in mourning,
Thirteen men dressed in black,
They all went out to the cemetery,
But only twelve of the men came back,
They left her man,
That had done her wrong.
* * *
There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I.
She said" Its too bad!
But then I can pad" —
Which shows you figures can lie.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 39
The Lure of the Tropics
You've decided to come to the tropics,
Heard all that you had to do
Was sit in the shade of a cocoanut glad©
While dollars rolled in to you.
You got that stuff down at the bureau;
You've got your statistics straight?
Well, hear what it did to another kid
Before you decide your fate.
You don't go down with a sharp hard fall,
You just sort of shuffle along
And lighten your load of the moral code
Till you don't know right from the wrong.
I started in to be honest,
With everything on the square,
But a man can't fool with the golden rulo
In a crowd that wont play fair.
'Twas a case of riding a crooked race,
Or being an "also ran";
My only hope was to sneak and dope
The horse of the other man
I pulled a deal in Guayaquil,
In an Inca silver mine;
And before they found 'twas salted ground,
I was safe in the Argentine.
Where I made short weight on the Bsiver Platte?
I was running a freighter there.
And I cracked a crib on a rich estate,
Without even turning a hair.
But the thing that'll double bar my soul,
When it flaps at heaven's doors,
Was peddling booze to the Santa Cruz
And Winchester forty-fours.
Made unafraid by my hellish aid,
The drink -crazed brutes came down
And left a blazing, quivering mass
Of a flourishing border town.
40 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
I then took charge of a smuggler's barge,
Down the coast from Yucatan!
But she went to hell off Cristobal
One night in a hurricane.
I got to shore on a broken oar,
In the filthy shrieking dark,
While the other two of the good ship's crew
Were converted into shark.
From a sunbaked cliff, I flagged a skiff,
With a salt soaked pair of jeans,
Then worked my way for I couldn't pay
On a fruiter to New Orleans.
It's kind of- a habit, the tropics —
It gets yoa - worse than rum;
You get away and you swear you'll stay,
But they call and back you come.
Six short months went by before
I was back there on the job
Running a w«f in Salvador.
With a barefoot black face mob.
A mob that made me general,
Leading a "grand" revolt,
And my only friend from start to end
Was a punishing army colt.
I might have become their president,
A jsrospeious. nian of means,
But a gunboat came and spoiled my game
With a hundred and ten marines.
So I awoke from my dream dead broke,
And drifted from bad to worse,
And sank as low as a man can go,
Who walks with an empty purse.
But stars they say appear by day
When you are down in the deep dark pit;
My lucky star found me that way
When I was about to quit.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41
Alone on a hot flea ridden cot,
I was down with the yellow jack
Alone in the bush and dammed near dead-
She found me and brought me back.
In her eyes shone lights of empires gone,
For her's was the blood of kings-
When she spoke her voice inspired high thoughts.
And dreams of -nobler things.
We were spliced in a Yankee meeting house
In the land of your Uncle Sam,
And I drew my pay from the TJ. S. A.
For I worked on the Gatun dam.
Then the devil sent his right hand man, ,
I might have suspected he would,
And he took her life with a long, thin knife;
Because — she was pure and good.
Within me died hope, honor, pride.
And all but a primitive will
To hound him down on his blood red trail
And find, and kill and kill!
O'er chicle camps and logwood swamps,
I hunted him many a moon
Then found my man in a long pit pan.
At the edge of a blue lagoon.
The chase was o'er at the farther shore,
It ended a two years quest
And I left him there with an empty stare
And a knife stuck in his chest.
You see those marks upon my arm?
You wonder what they mean?
Those marks were left by fingers deft
Of my trained nurse, Miss Morphine.
You say that habit's worse than rum.
It's possible too you are right,
But at least it drives away the things:
That come and stare at night.
42 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
m::::'!!i!!;!iiiiiii::: :;;■:. : .: : ' i ,
There's a homestead down in an old Maine town
And the lilacs 'round the gate,
And the night winds whisper it might have been
But the truth has come too late.
For whenever you play, whatever the way,
For stakes that are large or small,
The claw of the tropics gathers it in,
And the dealer gets it all.
Oh, Happy Existence
The torn cat walketh on the fence
And calleth to his mate;
Oh, would that he would hie him
hence
When he has got a date.
He cometh when my eyelids close,
To keep his moonlit tryst,
And rouses me from my sweet repose,
To pray that he'll desist
'Tis true the torn cat grives me
sore
When he doth prowl around;
But would that I, like he, got more
Of those long evenings out.
I'fi % :Jc
Beware, Girls
Lovers are the most devoted where they least
expect to wed.
All they seek is cruel conquest, and when hearts
are made to yield,
They forsake the broken fortress and besiege
another field.
They are like the crafty serpent coiled beneath
the fairest flower,
Till the butterfly or the hum-bird falls within
its deadly power.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 43
pun in iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinii iniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiini iiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiii i mil
Oar Rumor Department
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiw
By Our Los Angeles Correspondent
AN ENTHUSIASTIC reader sends us an
epistle of inquiry. We cannot say that it
is from "Paul" to the Corinthians, be-
cause, though the correspondent signs "Paul,"
our noble John Henry reads "Whiz Bang."
Paul wants to know whether or not it is a
fact that there is anything to the rumor that
Owen Moore, former husband of Mary Pick-
ford, is due to marry Mildred Harris, late
wife of Charlie Chaplin? So far as Whiz Bang
knows, neither Owen nor Mildred have any wild
desires to become as one. Mildred scarcely
seems of a type that would appeal to the silent
youngster whom Mary released at Minden.
Speaking. of Minden? Where is that place?
Oh, yes, up in Nevada. Wasn't it Nevada which
was going to show the Fairbanks and Pickfords
that such sudden splitting of the wedded bonds
couldn't be pulled off in that sanctified state?
And didn't Whiz Bang tip you off that Nevada^
was long on talk and short on official^action.
Yes, indeedy. Doug FairbanEsputs on the
old carpet slippers and^Mary smoothes his hair
44 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
for all the world like an old married couple
and no one to say them nay, not even Nevada.
The "rumor" which friend Paul sent to us
reminds us forcibly again that you can hear
anything about any one in the picture world
or connected with it. Stick around the Alex-
andria hotel lobby for ten minutes and the
pedigree of every male and female whose face
appears upon the screen will be peddled to you
ad libitum.
Three years ago the Alexandria hotel lobby
was the scene of gigantic picture operations —
in the mind. It was customary for ten million
dollar organizations to be formed every five
minutes. That was in the days of the magic
rug. It seemed no one could step on the rug
in front of the hotel counter without becoming
stricken. New studios by the thousands were
built every night between six-thirty and seven
o'clock.
But they don't have the rug at the Alex
any more. Remember when Charlie Chaplin
tried to lick his wife's manager and tripped
from the rug onto a scantling, his priceless
feet exuding themselves skyward? Sinee Char-
lie slipped and fell, the rug has been removed.
The reason perhaps is that few hotels get a
chttKee to brag of Charlie Chaplin staging a
fight unheir lobby and the Alexandria evi-
dently trusts thaT if a return engagement oc-
Captain Billys Whiz Bang ' 45
curs Chaplin will not be able to complain of
slippery underfooting.
Charlie looks better than in ages. He's
leading the very quiet life, and working hard.
Reverting again to rumors. Take 'em all
and all, most of the picture "support" on the
various lots is comprised of persons who would
find it pretty rough going financially if called
upon to exercise brains. And they are petty.
Small town gossips of a mean nature, jeal-
ousies and back bitings prevail. This doesn't
always hold to the extras alone. Some of the
stars are just as bad. Harold Lloyd pays con-
siderable attention to Bebe Daniels. The re-
sult is that the jealous girls have it in for
Harold and Bebe. It happens that Lloyd is a
very .decent young fellow, so far as reputation
goes and many a doting mamma gets ideas in
her head when she sees the young millionaire
roll down the street in one of his splendid cars.
Up to elate there has been nothing brought
against Lloyd, even b$ jealous ladies who
crave and don't get his attention. He steers
clear of the jazz bunch — as clear as can be done
and remain at all popular.
Mildred Davis, for the past two years his
leading lady, is frequently seen in the com-
pany of Lloyd at the fashionable gathering
places. The girl is a beautiful looking young
creature, possibly 18 or 19 years of age and
46 . Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
naturally those who watch the picture hurdy-
gurdy wonder whether Lloyd is stronger for
Mildred than for Bebe. Either young lady, so
far as appearances are concerned, would go a
lot further and not meet up with a more prom-
ising gentleman, though marriage may be fur-
thest from the mind of the trio. These young-
sters work hard and have to attend pretty much
to business.
The wild parties still prevail though they
are getting a little more exclusive. People
are chosen who don't have a reputation for
bringing up reminders the next morning of ev-
erything that happened. This is a good idea.
Every girl who got drunk the night before dis-
covered before noon next day that everyone on
the lot had heard about it.
In our references to Hollywood and Los An-
geles society,, we don't wish to be accused of
laying everything to the picture people. Far
from it. The high society bunch sets a faster
pace if anything. One of the wildest orgies
ever attempted in this hextic community oc-
curred recently in the vicinity of Elizabeth
Lake, a distance of some 80 miles from Los
Angeles.
It seems that the sacred inner circles of
fashion and pictures found that the ground was
being trampled upon too much by the plebeian
element and that the ensuing gossip often ended
1 SsSssLSSSjtSst m Ss^ 2
unpleasantly. Over canyon and mountains
many of the guests were carried by aeroplanes.
This item will be news to some who think they
are on the "inside" of the jazz doings around
Los Angeles. The ultra ultras are putting it
on stronger than ever — but far away from
home, husbands and wives.
Big men of the pictures and high social
standings, who never bat an eye at certain
queens of the amusement world when at work,
joined in a carnival of revelry that surpassed
most anything provided for jaded appetites
hereabouts — not excepting the nude bathing
parties for which Hollywood and Pasadena be-
came famous with introduction of private bath-
ing plunges, out of doors.
Outside the Sodom and Gemorrah cottage,
big powerful aeroplanes waited to carry back to
Los Angeles those who find that an air trip to
be very clarifying after a night of social car-
nage. One man, it is reported, though brewed
up like a boiled owl, landed his two passengers
safely on one of the landing places near Holly-
wood. There is first-hand information that
brewed up airplane drivers have operated in
the vicinity. To date the motor bike cops have
found the pave too hot for them to pinch any
one.
* * *
A bribe in time saves nine.
48 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
UltilllllMllitlllllllllllllllllllUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIlll
^^UJUiuiHiriiJiiiinfJiiiiiniiiiJiijjtJiiiriiiiiiiiiirfiiJiiiiiiiJjjJifnjjfriiiiiiJJiiiiJiiiiinjTiiiiiiiiiirfiiiitriJiiiiiiJiirxfiiiiriiiiitiJiiiiifiiJiiii iiBiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiinrammiiiin^
| Pasture Pot Poarri
iiuwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniHiiiiniiiiiiiiiiin; miiiiiniiii iiiiiimu nun iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiii iiiiiniiiiiBin in mil iiiiiuiiiiiiimii
A baldheaded man likes to tell about the hair-breadth
escapes he's had.
* % *
A shortened skirt maketh many a flirt.
% % ♦
If ignorance is bliss — then why be otherwise?
% * *
In the race "Back to Nature," the Bathing
Suit is a close second. The Evening Gown lead-
ing by a fraction of an inch.
If a body find a bottle comin' thru the rye,
Don't it make a body sore to find the bottle dry?
* * *
Flattery is like cologne; to be smelled but
not swallowed.
* * *
When you're down in the mouth, remember Jonah.
He came out all right.
It's the little things that worry us. We can
dodge an elephant, but not a flea.
* * *
Variety is the spice of — Salt Lake City.
All the world loves a lover, except hubby.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 49
As Kipling Remarks
You will take your fun where you find it
But you'll find while you're taking your fun
The more you mix with the many
The less you will care for the one.
Resurrected
"A little bit goes a long ways," said the
goose, as she pushed the pebble over the preci-
pice. "That remains to be seen," said the pup
as he wagged his tail and walked away.
* * *
A Clean Joke, Let's Hope
May I hold your Palm, Olive?
Not on your Life, Buoy.
% * * .
Oh, frivolity, thy name is woman.
* * *
What was the cause of that scar you have
on your head?
A woman told me that her husband was in
St. Louis.
"This hotel is a book of life," chortled the
blonde and boastful desk clerk, "with me the
hero thrilling its pages, and you poor bell hops
— merely the pages."
* * *
Sign In Basement Window
Coffee and a roll downstairs, 10 cents.
50 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
My Evening Prayer
Now I lag me down to steep,
Behold, around me bed-bugs creep.
% ;J: %
Harrowed husband to barber: Please don't
use that sweet smelling soap on my face.
Barber: Why not, sir; it "has a delicate
las-ting scent.
Harrowed husband: That's just it; my
wife won't believe it.
* * *
I'VE HAD A LOT OF JOYS ON EARTH;
I DON'T WANT TO BE A HOG.
REINCARNATED — I WANT TO BE
A BATHING BEAUTY'S DOG.
* * *
Don't swell up when someone takes you for a ride. You might be
used as ballast.
* x *
A skinny girl in an evening dress, shows more back-
bone than a man.
if! $ _ $
You can string beans and kid gloves, but
you can't bull frogs.
* * *
Help! Help I
He never had tended to children,
Yet he said that he wouldn't mind
When his wife went away, if she would not
Leave the babies behind,
* * *
"There goes a man who can't hear children."
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 51
Mother Goose Revamped
I once knew a girl
Who wore a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was had
She was very INTERESTING.
First we abolish what we consider an evil,
opines the Town Tankard, and afterward se-
cretly embrace it.
Mary's Little (?) Lamb
Mary had a pretty limb,
She realized the fact —
That's why she wore her dresses short
She showed a lot of tact.
$ 4: -$
No, Dia, Anna Lyzer is not a twin sister of Para Lyzer.
We are surely tickled to death that Good
Friday does not fall on Easter Sunday.
* # *
Notice!
Miss Featrice Bairfax who conducts the lovelorn de-
partment of this great military journal of uplift, will advise
yon on your matrimonial and love affairs. Write to her
freely; she has been in France long enough not to be
shocked.
— What'll it be, Gents, a lollypop or a nut
sundae?
52 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
mi! iiiirim b
Try This On Your Hic-trola
The old oaken hie bar rail; the brass hie bound
bar rail;
The foam hie spattered bar rail that hie hung
by the bar;
Hie—
Our Monthly Maxim
Late in bed, early to rise, makes dark rings
beneath the eyes.
& * •&
Now that Luther Reed has written a villian-
less play, the husband must be guilty of a bum
cellar or something like that.
* * %
A New Version
Here's to the short skirt and the street car
steps. May they never meet.
01 ifa %
The old fashioned woman who used to take
her troubles to the Lord, has a daughter who
now takes them to a lawyer.
If at first some men don't succeed they fail, and fail
again.
* * *
A fat man has another advantage over his
thin brethren — he knows exactly where his
cigar ashes are going to land.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 53
miiiiiiuiiitiiiiijjiiiiiimii ;
Moonology
The wife of a man named Moon presented
him with a fine boy. This was a new moon.
The father celebrated the event by drinking
himself full of hootch. This was a full moon.
When he awoke from his stupor all he had left
in his pocket was twenty-five cents. This was
the last quarter. His mother-in-law took this
and rapped him over the head with a club. This
was the total eclipse.
Impossible
It can't be done.
What?
Shave the hair off a gnat's back with a
monkey wrench.
* * *
Sunburned
The sun was hot upon the beach
— .^Iler suit was little sister's.
^She^tfeeught she had a good time, but
All is notTbliss^liat blisters.
* * ~$ —
Ah Ha! Ah!
He — I suppose it would be quite improper
for me to kiss you on such a short acquaint-
ance.
She — Yes, but it's quite early in the evening
•yet.
54 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
^lillllllllllllllllllllIIIIIIII!lllllllllllll!IWIIIII«lllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!l Hill Illlillllllll Ill IlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllUllllllllllllllllllllllg
Classified Ads
How Come?
(From Cedar Rapids Gazette)
Found — Lady's lingerie and stockings with auto cushion in pas-
ture on Oak Blvd., two miles south Vernon road near the Morgan
farm called "Bueno3 Aires."
$ •& ~#
Need a Steno?
(Tucson, Ariz., Star)
COMPETENT stenographer without local references excepting
polkadot reputation, wants job. Masons and Christians need not
answer. Phone 1009-M.
* * *
No Restrictions
For Rent — 8-room house. Family of 6 or 7 wild children. Mrs.
Minnie Zenft. — From Oelwein (la.) Register.
• % ifc H 1
Take Your Turn, Boys
(From Times Herald, Dallas, Tex.) __^-"-s
A LADY presser, experienced preferred. ^BcaiMWFffs Cleaning Co.
riere's Another
(From Kansas City Star)
LAUNDRY HELP — Girl to operate bosom press. The Bachelor's
Laundry Co., 2004 Broadway.
Now a Man!
(From San Francisco Examiner)
Man for pressing forms; no experience necessary; good pay .
while learning. 541 Market st.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 55
iiniiiiiiiiiiiiii iniinnriFi iiiiiiii!iiiiiii[iimii!iiii<irTiiiiniiii[[iii mm iimimmiiiiiiiminiimmiiiimmiiiiiiimmiiinnuiiiitiiiiui
An Old-Timer
A Cambridge under-graduate, contrary to
regulations, was entertaining his sister, when
they heard someone on the stairs. Hastily
hiding his sister behind a curtain, he went to
the door and confronted an aged man who was
revisiting the scenes of his youth, and was de-
sirous of seeing his old rooms.
Obtaining permission, he looked around, and
remarked, "Ah, yes, the same old room." Going
to the window, he said, "The same old view";
and peeping behind the curtain, he exclaimed,
"The same old game!"
• "My sister, sir," said the student.
"Oh, yes," said the visitor, "the same old
story!"— Tit-Bits.
* * *
But, My Dear —
Florine: I won't marry a man who won't
look me straight in the eye while he is talking
to me.
Chlorine : Then wear 'em longer, dearie.
& % ^
Girls no longer love to dance. They dance
to love.
* * *
The old fashioned girl used to stay home
when she had nothing to wear.
* ♦ ♦
The feminine half of the world may not know how the masculine
half lives, but it never tires of trying to find out.
56 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
•
The Luck of the Irish
An Irishman at confession noticed that the
priest had a watch on a fob. As it was easy he
nicked it. Continuing his confession he said,
"And Father, I stole a gold watch and fob from
a man, but I will give it to yon." The priest
was horrified by the suggestion and said, "No,
you must give it to the man you took it from."
Pat replied, "But, Father, I offered it to him
and he would not take it." Then, said the
priest, "You may keep it."
* * *
Love As An Appetizer
Any emotion that gives pleasure acts
healthily on the heart and other organs, certain
scientists have recently discovered. Brisk cir-
culation, gnawing appetite and health ensue.
Love, hope and happiness all produce these
emotions and, contrary to the accepted notion,
the ardent lover ought to enjoy his meals thor-
oughly. Despair, grief and fear are declared to
have quite the opposite effect. They make the
heart slower, and enfeeble the nervous system,
often upsetting digestion.
* * *
Many a girl looks sweet on the outside, but
so does a sugar-coated pill.
# * #
You may have more brains than a dog, but
the dog is the happiest.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 57
Could Explain Readily
An enthusiastic temperance proponent was
lecturing vigorously on his pet theme when
someone in the audience asked him how he
could account for the miracle of the turning of
the water into wine. "That," he piped up in all
seriousness, "was the one act performed by the
Founder of the Christion religion which He
ever after regretted."
"My tear! Isn't he brilliant!" "It's the
goods, Maurice, just so brilliant like a glass
diamint."
$ $ *js
The Other View
Mrs. Justso— "Is my gown cut too low in the
back? I can just feel that those men behind
us are staring at me."
Mr. Husband — "Aw, turn around and show
'em your face and they'll quit staring."
* * *
No Use
No use lovin'
Ain't no gain;
No use eatin', -
Just a pain;
No use kissin',
He'll go tell;
No use nothing
Oh Hell !
58 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
-riiTiriiniitiiiTiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiniiiiiiiiimii iiMiiiiiiii[iMiiiiiiiiMiiiMMiiriiiiMiitiM«iitiit>iiiiiiiiiMiMi»Ttii>iniiiMiiiiii>iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiititiu)iiiiiiiMurTiuiiiiiMiiiiiirijiiiiiiiiittiin
The Only Rings You Gave Me
(By Jack Gould)
You promised me a lot of things
When first I fell for you -
You said you would buy me diamond rings,
And pearls of lustrous hue;
You said that I'd wear silken hose
And other garments fine;
Oh, boy- I'm here to tell you these.-
You had a flow'ry line
Refrain:
The only rings you gave me
"Were the rings beneath my eyes;
From vanity you have saved me,
By adorning me with lies.
The only pearls were tear drops
That were shed when I got wise;
The only rings you ga.ve me
Were the rings beneath my eyes!
The fairy tales that you have told
Would shame the ones of Grimm;
You made me think that all was gold
That glittered in the glim.
But there is bound to come a day-
Just wait, old scout, and see-
When you'll find out you'll have to pay
For what you got from me!
* * *
She Was All Ready
Jack (ready for the party)— Dorothy, the
taxi will be here any minute. Slip on your
evening gown quick.
Wine — Now, don't be funny, Jack, it's on.
Most Assuredly
"Where shall I find ladies' waists?"
"Between the neckwear and the hosiery,
madam."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 59
iiiiiliiiillliilimiltiriillllllllltJIIillililhlrnim n: ::iu mmiiliMniiiitilfllllimiiiia
piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiniiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiilluinniiiiiiiin i.. :::i!i'is ..hii;,. .;iiiiiii:'i:::iiiii:; '!iiii!!i:::iiiiiii;::!ii.:ii[:ii!!;:iiiii:.;iiiiiH.. ;ii:,,iiii!!!i::::iiii::!:::!i!: :;:;
Our Rural Mail Box
!l!l[llllll!IIIIII!ll!ll[lllllll!lllllil]llllllllllilllllllllll[lllllllli[[ll!IW
Will Wright — Certainly not, Will; the Rev.
"Golightly" Morrill writes only of - things he
has seen — not his personal experiences.
l£ 3jS ^S
Rev. Numm — We have mislaid our best re-
cipe, but whatever you use, don't forget the
raisins.
* * *
Delia K. Tessen — No, Delia, he was no gen-
tleman.
* * *
Lew Dikrus — When Gus was that way he
shaved his head and burned his clothes.
* * *
Cora Gate — Slap his face the next time.
* * *
Iva Byte — Yes, all men are like that.
* * *
Gracey — No, Grac'ey ,1 don't walk in my
sleep. I take carfare to bed with me.
A NATIONAL BIRD IS THE EAGLE— WITH THE STORK A
CLOSE SECOND.
60 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Essence of Joy, By Gum
By L. J. Messenger
Please kiss me, dear, the youth insisted,
As 'round her waist, his arms he twisted.
I will, says she, if you'll agree
To buy some chewing gum for me.
So the youth was wise and bought the gum,
And told his dearie he wanted one.
All right, he heard her softly sigh, "
The gum for me you'll ne'er deny.
Now this is a thing I've never done,
Kiss~es, my dear, I always shun.
But I know I'll hke them as well as you,
If they're as good as the gum I chew.
So she sat right down upon a chair,
She chewed her gum and fussed her hair,
And the nearer she came to the "bargained fun"
The faster she chewed her chewing gum,
Suddenly she chewed with all her might,
And placed her arms around him tight,
She pwailowed her gum, and cried, "Don't miss.
I love my gum, but oh, djer kiss."
His First Offense
In New York City, all those who are sent
to jail for thirty days afe required to take a
bath. A bath attendant upon noticing that Ike
Kabibble's person was none too clean, suddenly
exclaimed :
"Hey, there, you guy! Did you ever take a
bath before?"
"Veil," Abe replied, "I nefer vas arrested be-
fore."
She said to him beneath the tree,
"Well, I'll love you if you love me."
The kiss he gave with love did burn,
She gave him ditto in return.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 61
iiiiiimiiiitiMtmiiniiuiiiui:
| Arthur Neale's Page
ibiiiMafiiiiiiiiwiiiiiiiiniuiiiiiiiiiiimmm
/ joined a Frisco schooner — a good ship, I was told;
Bound for Sydney, New South Wales, -with lumber in the
hold.
We'd left the South behind, boys; began to feel the swell,
When the mate looked in the fo'c'sle. I said: "Mister, go
azvay."
* * *
FASCINATED by the spell of the Smoke-
house Poetry, and having sailed the seven
seas and visited most every place East
and West of Suez, including Hoboken, N. J.,
we wished to show the doubting Gus that we
also could string together that line of verse.
Hence the above. When we got to the fourth
line, however, we grew tired and finished it up.
* * *
Gus writes us that he went to St. Paul the
other day. He met a girl and they went into a
movie. He says she sat there with her arm
around his waist, and after she'd said good-bye
he found it had been in his pocket as well.
•% ■%. %.
"lis better to have loved and lost when you
read of some of the mean things they say in the
divorce court.
62 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
"Now while you were at college, my son,
Tell me of some of the things you done.
I hope you kept off the cards and vice?"
"Certainly, father; I only played dice."
"And you didn't go to the races each day?"
"We bet right in school. They were so far
away."
''You don't smoke cigarettes? I said it's not
right."
"No. What I smoke, dad, are cigars and a
pipe."
"You didn't go round with boys who were
tough?"
"I went with the girls. But I never was rough."
"You didn't sneak out and do drinking by
stealth?"
"Oh, nothing like that. I made it myself."
"You mean to say you've taken a nip?"
"Sure. If you want a drink there's some on my
hip."
"You never went to a midnight revue?"
"No. I went with the chorus when they were
through."
"I hope you didn't get fighting, my son?"
"No one would try it. I carried a gun."
"I suppose in all sport you took a delight?"
"Yes. I used to like dancing without any
light."
"Of course you took part in the baseball game?"
"I didn't like baseball. It's rather too tame."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 63
"You didn't go help your club try and win?"
"No. I'd much rather help a girl try and
swim."
"And how much learning, my boy, can you
show?"
"I've forgotten more than you'll ever know."
"I'm glad to see that my son is a man."
"Yes. I can do more than you ever can."
"My boy, I see you're a lad of my iieart."
"All right — make it Paris. When do we start?"
The Sphere Feminine
They talk about a woman's sphere
As though it had a limit;
There's not a place in earth or heaven,
There's not a task to mankind given;
There's not a blessing or a woe,
There's not a whispered yes or no;
There's not a life, there's not a birth,
That has a feather's weight of worth —
Without some woman in it!
Is it you I love, dear?
I can scarcely tell,
When you smile, your eyes, dear,
Make me think of Nell.
When you're sad, your mouth, dear,
Makes me think of Sue,
But, dearest, when I kiss you
I am surely sure it's you.
Our Winter
Annual
In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues
of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, the first _ complete Winter
Annual of this great family journal will contain a large
variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri,
stories, and smokehouse poetry. TTiis book, Pedigreed
Follies of J 921-22, will contain four times as much read-
ing matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Eang and will
sell for one dollar per copy. It will be a book which will
be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will
contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet
put in print. Included in the list will be:
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor.
The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full),
The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith's "Evo-
lution," Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy
Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling's "The
Ladies," Toledo Siim.
Advance orders are now being received and will be
mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off
the attached blank and mail to us today with your check,
money order or stamps.
Whiz Bang,
Robbinsdale, Minnesota.
Gentlemen: ^
Enclosed is check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for
which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain
Billy's Whiz Bang, "Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22."
Name
Address
'Queen Summer Resort of the
Northern, Pipe* ui Mirthesota"
Whiz Bang Bill Announces
The Opening of the
Queen Summer Resort of the
Northern Pines of Minnesota
The new summer home of Pedro, Marigold, Gus the hired man,
and Ye Editor has been established among the big pines of northern
Minnesota, on the sandy shore of Big- Pelican Lake, and invites the
summer vacationists to come and enjoy life in the open. Twenty
new log cabins completely furnished for housekeeping, electric
lights, running water, large cabin club house, bathing, canoeing,
motor boating, fishing, trap shooting, wild game hunting in sea-
son, dancing, tennis and aerial sports. Breezy Point Aeroplane
makes regular passenger flights from the Twin Cities to this oasis
in the northern forest. Located 160 miles north of Minneapolis over
the Jefferson Highway and the Minnesota Scenic Highway.
For further information write to
W. H. FAWCETT, Owner
Pequot or Robbinsdale, Minn.
j?
Everywhere!
Whiz Bang is on sale
at all leading hotels,
news stands, 25 cents
single copies; on trains
30 cents; or may be
ordered direct from
the publisher at "25
cents single copies;
two-fifty a year.
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