7
I
I'v/e oimlv got oisie ball,
BUT IT'S DIGGER THAN BOTH OF /OURS:
THC COLL^CTeD ESSA/S OF S^X MAHONeV
NOVEMB6R 22, 200& - NOVEMBER 22, 2006
BV
RICH GOLOSTeiN
TABte OF CONTENTS
(Arranged By Date)
1. November 22, 2005
18
What if one of the last two
people alive was a Christian
19
fundamentalist
2. November 23, 2006
20
Water from the Arctic Ocean
3. November 24, 2005
21
Hank the twelve galaxies
4. November 25, 2005
22
Mission Accomplished
5. November 29, 2005
23
The farmer and the cowman can
be friends
6. November 30, 2005
The Metro is not the L
24
7. December 1, 2005
Blue canary in the outlet by the
25
light switch
8. December 8, 2005
Beaker solutions for a test tube
26
world
9. December 11,2005
Transubstantiated Sundays
27
10. December 13, 2005
Learning to love with your pants
28
on
11. December 14, 2005
A stitch in rhyme saves limes
12. December 16, 2005
We're the kops of the world
29
13. December 19, 2005
Never again
14. December 20, 2005
30
The best stories have the
crappiest endings
15. December 22, 2005
31
In a nutshell
16. December 27, 2005
32
You would too
17. January 9, 2006
If it' s got a good beat and you
can dance to it, it was probably
created by black people
33
January 15, 2006
On Tuesday we leave for home
January 24, 2006
While on the subject of sex
January 25, 2006
Siestas for everyone
January 29, 2006
The end of a miniature era
February 6, 2006
The art of glass
February 10, 2006
- 1 might not ever see a bullfight
but I'll swear to you I did
- Balance
February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day
February 16, 2006
Hot fresh bread, now that's a
mouthful
February 20, 2006
Hello, baby hello, I can't find my
face for a while
February 22, 2006
Here's to the state
February 23, 2006
- But I know it will catch up with
me somewhere along the line
- Heaven let your light shine
down
March 1, 2006
This is my one phone call and
baby I'm calling you
March 5, 2006
I've got something to say sir and
I'm gonna say it now
March 6, 2006
A break at last
March 8, 2006
- Freedom, beauty, truth, and
love
- Lunch wagon left I stayed at
my desk
March 9, 2006
I still smell tomacco on my
fingers
34. March 11,2006
One is the ronriest number
35. March 12, 2006
White people got no reason to
live
36. March 13, 2006
I hear that's how it's done in old
Saigon
37. March 14, 2006
But I rap to the beat, just the
same
38. March 14, 2006
That dusty old dust is blowing
me home
39. March 15, 2006
Molasses is not afraid to slow
down
40. March 17, 2006
And if you want to be free be
free
41. March 18,2006
Taking our various turns at the
wheel taking...
42. March 19, 2006
Get me a taxicab or an aeroplane
43. March 20, 2006
Maybe someplace by the sea, I'm
moving on
44. March 21, 2006
-1596
- I'm on a rampage and I don't
want to stop at all
45. March 22, 2006
Cy Young had the most loses of
any pitcher
46. March 23, 2006
When I consider how my light is
spent
47. March 25, 2006
- I'm off the wagon and I'm
hitchin' a ride
- 1 tried to leave you
- What is it good for absolutely
nothing say it again
48. March 26, 2006
- Won't you let me see your
naked body
- You can find me in the club
49. March 27, 2006
How do you keep them in
Vladivostok
50. March 28, 2006
We had a time oh what a time we
had a time
51. March 30, 2006
- Take the best idea you got
- Kissing today, components that
shake up a glow jay
- 1 turn to stone, when you are
gone
52. April 1, 2006
- Disaster Strikes in Korea and
it' s not a giant, fire-breathing
monster
- Feeling much better
- Bury me in some valley
53. April 2, 2006
- All's quiet on the eastern front
- My favorite things
54. April 3, 2006
For underneath your borders the
devil draws no lines
55. April 4, 2006
Who needs who?
56. April 5, 2006
- A handshake, then a whisper,
and a glance
- 1 can't think of much to write
and I only have four minutes
until class
- How do you keep them in
Atmolyinsk
57. April 6, 2006
- Something's messed up with
his wing
- Sometimes you gotta let
yourself maw
- Everybody wants to be
somebody great
- The greatest band that ever was
58. April 7, 2006
- And in the evening if we go
out, ladies kindly remove your
hats
- Le Rochefoucault and I are
joined at the hip
59. April 9, 2006
- No new blog today, experts
expect one tomorrow
- Are they in the barn or waiting
in the yarn
- Defeat the so-called president
by the name of bus
- Will not weep for these dying
days
60. April 10, 2006
Out of Vladivostok and into
Korea
61. April 11, 2006
If I could say something
beautiful...
62. April 12, 2006
- Fourteen minutes is hardly long
enough to write something
meaningful
- Insert meaningful and funny
quote here
- The real cure for high gas
prices
63. April 13, 2006
- Beware the monster
- A blog with a purpose is a
terrible thing to paste
- Life in Korea gets better
everyday...
64. April 14, 2006
Hot Cabbage makes my mouth
drool and my asshole trumpet
65. April 15, 2006
Get the hell out of my way or go
back to Mongolia
66. April 17, 2006
- An ode to Dennis Miller
- 1 lit the Olympic flame and all I
got was this lousy t- shirt
- Here's to Zeke
67. April 18, 2006
Mercedes and Fiest
68. April 19, 2006
- Jasmine
- Dimitry
69. April 20, 2006
Take back the new millennium
70. April 21, 2006
Sunday
71. April 22, 2006
- We interrupt this regularly
scheduled message to bring you
mayhem by the barrelful
- Chris
- This one goes out to the friends
I never had
72. April 23, 2006
Aww, what a cute, little dog,
how does he taste?
73. April 25, 2006
- Get the hell out of my chair
- Life in Korea keeps getting
better
74. April 26, 2006
- Someone says you're in the
wrong place my friend
- Here's to the next thousand
years of darkness
75. April 27, 2006
- Ksenia
- The biggest man made lake in
Asia
- Don't Tell Me What to Say
76. April 28, 2006
A hole generation lost in space
77. May 2, 2006
- 1 don't meditate and I don't
pray, but I eat two samosas every
day
- More quotes from the darkside
78. May 3, 2006
It' s best to toot my own horn
about my idiosyncrasies. I video
pink pussies
79. May 6, 2006
I'm three apples high, I live in a
toadstool
80. May 7, 2006
Take too long and this is what
they do to you
81. May 8, 2006
A hand job' s a man' s job, your
job's ablowjob
82. May 9, 2006
Fortunately Walgreen' s has
thousands of locations
83. May 11,2006
- Negativity never yielded
positive results
- You make my karma puke
- More quotes from the darkside
84. May 12, 2006
In the room with the davenports
where men become cuckolds
85. May 14, 2006
I'm through with Hongdae, I'm
through with Love
86. May 15, 2006
Read the fine print and you'll
discover we're not even human
87. May 16, 2006
Tomorrow, the darkside changes
88. May 18, 2006
- The best is yet to come
- One time Johnny tried LCD,
had a great revelation and
couldn't put it into words
89. May 20, 2006
- This Lost Bullshit is killing me
- 1 date you to find a square in it
90. May 22, 2006
- Put me on your guest list
- Why won't coach Romero play
Bauer and Filosa
91. May 24, 2006
Sorry if I violated something,
I've never done this before
92. May 29, 2006
When I call you up, your line's
engaged
93. May 30, 2006
Life is unfair
94. May 31, 2006
- Tie a yellow ribbon round the
old oak tree
- 1 felt her knuckle above my belt
buckle
95. June 2, 2006
I have always depended on the
kindness of strangers
96. June 9, 2006
I'm taking a break
97. June 10, 2006
From out of the shadows she
walks like a dream
98. June 13, 2006
- Greetings from Lake Park
- Let' s put the film back in snuff
film
99. June 15, 2006
- Hey, I don't understand, but I
like it anyway
- If the words jail and bail didn't
rhyme, there' d be 1,437 fewer
songs
100. June 16, 2006
Ten different kinds of antibiotics
wouldn't cure this disease
101. June 19, 2006
Why are you still the point
guard give someone else the
ball
102. June 22, 2006
We let these little differences
tear us apart
103. June 23, 2006
I am the you, in you ought to
know
104. June 26, 2006
The results are in. . . I suck (and
you might too, you just don't
know it yet)
105. June 27, 2006
The sun is not yellow, it's
chicken
106. June 29, 2006
My armpits smell the best
107. June 30, 2006
The junkyards are littered with
the bodies of high school
pitchers who could throw 83
mph
108. July 3, 2006
Life is much to precious to
spend fighting wars these days
109. July 4, 2006
It took me so long to write this
comment that I'm posting it as
ablog
110. July 6, 2006
I'm getting there, I swear, but
first I need to touch my penis
111. July 7, 2006
Untitled #1
Untitled #2
112. July 10, 2006
Injected robbing topped in
diphtheria
113. July 12, 2006
- Later we can get wild like the
animals we are
- 1 forgot to bring the pictures
114. July 13, 2006
The stammering farmers stuck
their wienies in a pickling jar
115. July 17, 2006
Here's mud in your eye
116. July 18, 2006
- I'd dismantle the government
and smoke all the weed stolen
by the DEA
- You spend too much time on
politics and people get bored
117. July 19, 2006
There's no pleasing some
people
118. July 20, 2006
- There are bad things in this
world (and you might be one of
them)
- Three times in one day? It's
like we just started dating
119. July 23, 2006
Watching the storm come in
120. July 25, 2006
All we did was kiss days and
days and days like this
121. July 28, 2006
- What makes a good story?
- Read your letter in a coffee
shop in a hotel in New York
122. August 2, 2006
For three years I did nothing
except write
123. August 5, 2006
Draining your energy since the
dawn of time
124. August 9, 2006
Take me to another place
125. August 10, 2006
Shining star, no matter who
you are
126. August 14, 2006
Rocking Pneumonia and the
Boogie Woogie Strept Throat
127. August 18, 2006
Listen to what the man said
128. August 21, 2006
Old Levi's are fading fast
129. August 25, 206
- Finally, some free time to
post a blog
- Jack Daniels and we can
make up for lost time
130. August 31, 2006
182.625 reasons why you can't
go home again
131. September 7, 2006
- All I need is a miracle, all I
need is you
- Out on the freeway the cop
lights are flashing'
132. September 8, 2006
Are the stars out tonight?
133. September 12, 2006
- Are you gonna scribble in the
dark with a marker
- Sunshine, lollipops and
rainbows, everything that's
wonderful is what I feel when
we're together
134. September 13, 2006
I do kiss you eat a piece of
cake
135. September 15, 2006
- We're gonna tear this mother
out
- A taste of honey, tasting
much sweeter than wine
136. September 18, 2006
Tonight we get even
137. September 19, 2006
Slip a grip around my tip and
then you'll be my klingon
138. September 20, 2006
- Santa Claus said eureka, I got
the greatest idea
- Once a jolly swagman
camped beside a billabong
139. September 21, 2006
- George Bush and Gorbachev
are of the desert they will not
pass through
- You don't have enough VAG
in your life
140. September 22, 2006
People take pictures of each
other just to prove that they
really existed
141. September 25, 2006
Love Life
142. September 26, 2006
Caldonia! Caldonia! What
makes your big head so hard?
143. September 27, 2006
- Grim Reaper of Love Thrives
on Pain, People Beware
- Running Buck Wild Like a
Concubine
144. September 28, 2006
Now peel off your tube top so I
can feel your boobs flop on my
lubed cock
145. September 29, 2006
I've got a gun in my hand and
the gun won't cock
146. October 2, 2006
- It' s like having mayonnaise
shot into your brain
- Thank heaven for little boys,
for little boys get bigger every
day
147. October 4, 2006
You took the word and made it
heard and eased the people's
pain and for that you were
idolized
148. October 6, 2006
Crazy people walkin' round
with blood in their eyes. . . all
she wants to do is dance
149. October 9, 2006
Can you take me back where I
came from can you take me
back
150. October 10, 2006
I must be crazy
151. October 11, 2006
Oh my gosh, I was wrong! It
was Earth all along. You've
finally made a monkey out of
me.
152. October 13, 2006
- God came to me in a dream, I
knew it was God because the
word God was spelled out
above him...
- 1 am a golden god
153. October 14, 206
- 1 turn to stone, when you are
gone
- I've got something to say, sir,
and I'm gonna say it now
154. October 15, 2006
She'll never go to Hollywood
155. October 16, 2006
I just want to play on my pan
pipes, I just want to drink me
some wine
156. October 17, 2006
What would You do if I sand
out a tune
157. October 18, 2006
I like lying naked in my
bedroom tying off that dinosaur
158. October 19, 2006
I go: There's nothing-wrong
mom. And she goes: Don't tell
me that, you're on drugs!
159. October 23, 2006
Here's a glass. There's a house
with a hose around the corner
160. October 24, 2006
I've got a brand new house by
the roadside and it's made of
rattlesnake hide
161. October 25, 2006
Banana chips for you, banana
chips for me
162. October 27, 2006
- But it's hard to read through
the rising smoke of the books
that you like to burn
- It' s a porn Utopia, a
cornucopia of warm fallopia
163. October 30, 2006
They're gonna put me in the
movies
164. November 1, 2006
- Or I can put on some black
pajamas and go as a big, black
Halloween cat
- 1 got a woman, way over
town, she's good to me
165. November 3, 2006
- Your denial is beneath you,
and thanks to the use of
hallucinogenic drugs, I see
through you
- Billy don't be a hero, don't be
a fool with your life
- When I tell you that I love
you, don't test my love
- 1 bought a '30 Ford wagon
and we call it a woodie
166. November 6, 2006
Don't make a fuss just get on
the bus and be a crew slut
167. November 8, 2006
This one was gonna be ours
168. November 9, 2006
Well I drunk a lot of wine and
I'm feeling fine, gonna race
some cat to bed
169. November 10, 2006
- Never urge a date to
regurgitate
- 1 want you here with me, not
way over in a bucket seat
170. November 11,2006
Tonya Harding is trying to
break into my car
171. November 12, 2006
She doesn't care if he's an
island
172. November 13, 2006
The best tuna in the sea, is the
tuna we call bumblebee
173. November 14, 2006
- What you've done is put
yourself between a bullet and a
target
- She's a squirrel crushing, deer
smacking, driving machine!
174. November 16, 2006
I'm the son of a bad man
175. November 17, 2006
Ghetto prince is my thing,
making love's how I swing
176. November 20, 2006
I started fooling around with
the vertical hold, we got the
munchies so I made some
spaghetti
177. November 21, 2006
Muzzle-to-Muzzle Now
Anything Goes
WHAT IF OI\e Of THC LAST TWO ?tO?lt ALII/C WAS A CHRISTIAN
FUNDAMENTALIST
Early one gray December morn
While children slept in bed
the bombs where flying in the air
above their tiny heads
And in a desert lab someplace far 'way
a scientist lost his grip
the vial broke, the plague was loose
and everyone got sick
The water started rising
and fire fell like rain
mutants roamed the streets in packs
and zombies ate their brains
Tuesday November 22, 2 05
WATER FROM THE ARCTIC OCEAN
Some remarks from the Vice President with my commentary
inserted:
Cheney: The terrorists believe that by controlling an
entire country, they will be able to target and overthrow
other governments in the region and to establish a radical
Islamic empire that encompasses a region from Spain across
North Africa through the Middle East and South Asia all the
way to Indonesia.
Me: When I started reading I wanted to keep an open mind,
because I rarely read Bush and his cronies' transcripts, but
when I came to this part in the speech I found it odd that
this is the stated goal of the Bush Administration just
substitute radical Christian (their press release says
Democracy, but what do America and Democracy have to do with
one another) .
Cheney: They have made clear as well their ultimate
ambitions: to arm themselves with weapons of mass
destruction, to destroy Israel, to intimidate all Western
countries and to cause mass death in the United States.
Me: Once again, Vice Presidential mad-libs
10
Me as Cheney: They have made clear as well their ultimate
ambitions: to arm themselves with weapons of mass
destruction, to destroy Israel, to intimidate all Middle
Eastern countries and to cause mass death in the United
States .
Me: Can you tell which words I replaced?
Cheney: Some have suggested that by liberating Iraq from
Saddam Hussein we simply stirred up a hornet's nest. They
overlook a fundamental fact: We were not in Iraq on
September 11th, 2001, and the terrorists hit us anyway.
Me: Very true, we were not in Iraq on September 11th, but
our weapons were there and we were too in the early 90 's
(that time as enemies) . We were also there in the 1980 's
(that time as friends) .
Cheney: In Beirut in 1983, terrorists killed 241 of our
servicemen. Thereafter, the United States withdrew from
Beirut .
In Mogadishu in 1993, terrorists killed 19 American
soldiers. Thereafter, the U.S. withdrew its forces from
Somalia .
11
Over time the terrorists concluded that they could strike
America without paying a price, because they did repeatedly:
the bombing at the World Trade Center in 1993, the murders
at the Saudi National Guard Training Center in Riyadh in
1995, the Khobar Towers in 1996, the simultaneous bombing of
American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania in 1998 and, of
course, the bombing of the USS Cole in 2 000.
Believing they could strike us with impunity and that
they could change U.S. policy, they attacked us on 9/11 here
in the homeland, killing 3,000 people.
Me: WTC 1993 bombing: 6 dead; Saudi National Guard
Training Center 1995: 5 dead; Khobar Towers 1996: 19 dead;
American Embassy Bombings in Kenya and Tanzania: 257 dead;
USS Cole 2000: 17 dead; WTC 2001: 2752 dead.
CHENEY MATH FUN TIME:
Total number of US dead from his examples of terrorist
attacks: 3,316 dead. Remember when you check your answer in
the back of the book that Cheney is using these examples to
justify the Iraq war as a way to stop terrorism. Total
number of dead Iraqis since March 2003: @26 to 30,000. Total
number of dead Americans since March 2003: 2097. The best
thing about numbers is that they don't work. We can't have a
rational debate over numbers, their values are fixed, but
12
words... ah, words, sometimes a word can mean lots of things
or nothing at all, when I say I am self actualized, I just
wasted two words that don't mean anything. Now, I am
terrible at math, but if you blame Iraq for every death
caused by terrorists and cited by the Vice President in his
speech we owe Iraq about 21,000 corpses. Why not start by
lining up the President and his staff, and then fill in the
rest with the Christian Fundamentalists who voted them into
office in the first place. Or we could just stop killing
each other.
Cheney: Stop using my own words against me, you're just
fanning the flames of bipartisanship.
Me: America has no right to tell any other nation what to
do or what weapons with which they can do it . America has no
right because the weapons of mass destruction for which
terrorists are criticized were obtained through legal sales
by the United States or Russia during the cold war. Until
the US is willing to lay down all arms they have no right to
criticize anyone for using violence. In other words, don't
go into a boxing ring without expecting to get punched.
Wednesday November 23, 2 05
13
HANK THE TW£H/£ GALAXIES
Since marijuana was criminalized in the 1930' s the
rhetoric for allowing people access to the plant has changed
little, but after seventy plus years of activism, the
rhetoric about pot has not changed. Blame Ben Franklin who
once said that: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of
cure." In re the criminal problem, the quip was once sound
advice, in Ben Franklin's day. Today we know that crime is
not caused by demons, witchery, or being black (the latter a
fact that continues to escape police, prosecutors, courts,
and lawmakers) and so preventative criminology targets those
who have not yet committed crimes but are sure to one day.
The problem with preventative thinking is that criminals
rarely plan their actions, most criminals act on impulse,
which benefits them because it makes their actions difficult
to understand without knowledge of the moment of time in
which the crime was committed; however, because we people
often repeat ourselves, it leads to the criminals downfall
as the police recognize behavior patterns. So if spontaneity
plays a large factor in committing a crime, then prevention
is useless.
The rationale behind the criminalization of marijuana is
that it has a high potential for abuse and no medical value,
but it was sold to the American people (and Congress) as a
threat to white womanhood by angry, Negro pot smokers. The
government presented false testimony that played to the
lowest common fears and implied that criminalizing marijuana
14
would take the jigger out of the. . . As a preventative
measure, criminalizing marijuana has had zero effect on the
crime rate because even if every single black person in
America killed/raped/robbed one white person each it would
account for less than the total number of
murders/rapes/robberies. A quote I found from a newspaper
from the 30' s: "Marihuana gives blacks the audacity to look
white people in the eye, to speak insolently, and to demand
rights." Since the criminalization of marijuana in the 30' s,
black has progressively experienced more freedom. If you are
a true white*, son of the south, then be a patriot and
demand that your politicians reverse this awful law.
Scientists indicate that you are not drinking enough crappo-
cola. Drinking the proper amount of crap reduces your
chances of becoming a terrorist or communist. Research
indicates that terrorism is bad and if left untreated will
lead to communism and Judaism. The next time you reach for a
soft drink, ask yourself: "Am I a terrorist?"
*No Irish or Italians need apply
Thursday November 24, 2005
15
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Towards the end of his life, JD Salinger didn't publish
his novels, when they were finished he put them in a safe
deposit box. Stephen King tells that story as an example of
a failed artist, I've read it in at least three or four of
his books, but the best thing about art is that on a
production level, producing is the important thing. When art
gets out there, it becomes part of the world, especially in
our global world, fulfilling a different function, but
artists produce to satisfy their desire. Call this
unpublished sour grapes, but a wiser man than I once said
that achievement is its own reward, pride obscures it. The
worst thing that can happen to an artist is letting the
public at your work, if you had children would you offer
them up at a gangbang? I would, but that's beside the
point .
Thursday November 25, 2 05
16
THE FARMER AND THE COWMAN CAN B£ FRIENDS
A woman's right to choose.
I've been looking at Supreme Court confirmation hearings,
and I love the way that politicians dance around the subject
of abortion. If a case came before the court in which a
person wanted to get rid of another person by means of a
suction blade and another person, of the medical
persuasion... etc. There is too much civility in America.
The PC police imagine that by shunning certain words or
behaviors from the lexicon we can stamp out racism, sexism,
etc in much the same way that the Bush administration thinks
they can stamp out dissent by ignoring it or calling it
"gay." In the 1940 ' s hardly any of the major news networks
covered the public lynchings and segregation of the south
and it wasn't until the news started covering those events
that they became a problem, right?
So we come back to abortion. If you are a politician and
your platform is "no" on abortion, you can't really talk in
public about your beliefs without incurring a lot of scorn;
however, if you are against abortion feel free to invoke the
deity and make up facts about dismembered half living
fetuses and you're golden. Of course, I exaggerate. Women
are the problem, how dare they have issues that don't apply
to most of the governed (i.e. men)? I think that if the
lawmakers making the laws do not adequately represent the
17
population they are legislating they have no business making
laws, but then I realized that there are plenty of laws out
there passed down by the rich to govern us poor.
I've come up with a model solution. Give Washington complete
power. Let congress, the president, and the supreme court do
whatever they want, but give them no power to enforce it,
that way the quilting congress can sit in it ' s hallowed
halls all day long clucking their tongues at the decaying
state of the nation. The law means nothing and does nothing,
it ' s like the empty promise a man gives a woman that he
won't cum inside her and that he doesn't have any diseases
the moment before he slips his wart infested love Popsicle
into her hallowed halls. People, people who don't make laws,
perform the real action. In a real capitalist market, demand
is god. If a woman wants an abortion she can find enough
money to get someone to do it for her. Once again, if you
have enough money, the law does not apply to you.
On the other hand, if women weren't such pansies they'd roll
up their sleeves and do the job themselves.
Tuesday November 29, 2 05
18
THE METRO IS NOT THE I
Anti-trust
Casinos. Imagine if the supermarket monitored your activity
and if they noticed you saving too much money using coupons
and strategic shopping they took your picture and banned you
from shopping at that store. Why is it that casinos can get
away with this kind of behavior? The people who own the
casinos are very similar to the ones who run countries,
should anyone learn to run fast enough that they can keep up
with the masters, they are hacked down using brute force. I
say this not as a gambler, but as a firm supporter of labor
rights .
Unions don't just protect workers, they protect consumers as
well. The more people fight unionization and let big
companies get away with homogenizing the population the more
we choke ourselves on our excess. Imagine the day when Wal-
Mart stops paying its employees in the devalued currency of
this collapsed country and the workers slave for toasters
and big screen TV's. If you're poor, you'll never get to go
behind the curtain, the aristocrats don't like people who
work for their money, that ' s filthy, the dignified thing to
do is inherit a fortune and never work. . . ever.
Money is a myth. You want to believe in magic pixies,
leprechauns, and God then move to Mississippi. Otherwise,
19
take advantage of the current positive climate for legal
loan sharks and get as many credit cards as you can, then
fake your own death and never pay them a cent . Or take the
money and go gambling, just don't get too good at it.
Wednesday November 30, 2 05
20
BLUE CANARV IN THE OUTLET BY THE LIGHT SWITCH
Paris Hilton's address book has a listing for Super Dave.
I am so envious. The cost of celebrity is enough to drive
anyone mad. I wonder why Paris sought it actively. It's one
thing to get nailed by Rick Solomon and appear in reality TV
shows with your best friend, but all the annoyances that go
with celebrity must be tiresome after awhile. I like to
think of those humble people who have celebrity thrust upon
them, only to find that the attention is exactly what they
wanted all along and are then left by the wayside as the
next new sensation comes along. I never used to think it was
worth it, but if you get to meet Super Dave then I'd step
over my own grandmother to do it .
In all sincerity, I saw an army sergeant tell someone he
didn't have murder in his heart. It was on Lost, a girl
kills a guy and asks her father why he didn't do it, the
father, an army recruiting sergeant, tells her that he
doesn't have murder in his heart. No. I rape and pillage the
village to keep the communists at bay.
Thursday December 1, 2 05
21
BEAKER SOLUTIONS FOR A TEST TUBE WORLD
I love South Park. I hate Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't
get enough of that Golden Crisp. Neither can vampires. I
wonder what most people would do if they met a vampire.
Would they panic? Probably not, unless the vampire made some
display of its power. I think that most people would
disbelieve, not because they don't believe in vampires so
much as it's hard to convince people of anything. I lied. It
can't be hard to convince people of things, because Nike's
really do make you jump higher, the ultimate chopper really
can turn a concrete block into powder, and I'll be your wet
dream for 4.95 a minute at 1-900-dial-a-date . Yet, somehow
I've never met a person who really believed any of those
things. The commercials exist for a reason; they can't just
be wasting their breath.
When you are alone in the dark do you wonder if your cologne
is not attracting enough women?
Have you ever thought about rubbing yourself in fertilizer?
These are important questions that you must ask yourself
when you face your long nights of the soul. Maybe you are
out there, sitting in the dark, with the television on,
watching the glowing image and believing every word said
about everything, desperately afraid that the vampires are
hiding in the shadows and waiting for the chance to strike.
22
Once a day you should challenge God, just to see if there is
one and it's paying attention. Curse the lord and walk out
into traffic. If you're okay at the end, then we have room
for a debate .
Thursday December 8, 2 05
23
TRANSUBSTANTIATED SUNDAYS
Anger and fear
Yoda said it better than I ever could, but syntax his all
wrong is. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to fear, and it's
a terrible and repetitive cycle. I don't understand why
people get stuck in these cycles. After thousands of years
of human civilization we're very slow in picking up the
cudgel of revolution, but we're quick to join someone else's
fight. Anger directed outward is futile, the person making
you angry is yourself, just like the person who can make you
happy is also yourself; you can't change the world, so
change yourself.
For centuries people looked everywhere for answers, to
religion, to love, to consumer goods, to high-end
prostitutes; however, there is no answer or there are plenty
of answers. No one knows anything, we barely know ourselves.
So do yourself a favor, touch yourself, get in there good,
explore every nook and cranny, all you crooks and trannies
because if you're not comfortable touching yourself, then
find a hobo you can rub up against.
Sunday December 11, 2 05
24
LEARNING TO LOI/£ WITH YOUR PANTS ON
"Leave the money on the dresser and get out," is the last
thing I remember someone saying to me about the subject of
love. Experience is such a wonderful teacher that I don't
think I have missed anything in my short life. Of course
there is the joy of having a family, but there are plenty of
other people experiencing that joy so I don't have to. The
best thing I've discovered is the pleasure of destruction.
Are you one of those people who let ' s your chewing gum
harden on the back of your bedpost, or will you deprive
yourself of sleep to eek every last ounce of flavor from
your chewables. Take two aspirin and give them to the first
person you meet with explicit instructions for them to do
the same. See how long it takes for you to get a headache.
When it comes to physical stimuli, the only way to
experience life is to destroy as much of it as you can
before it loses its flavor. Leftovers never tastes as good
as when they were firstovers. My philosophy gets me into
trouble all the time.
But every time you come around you dance on the table.
So back to the subject, what is the matter with all of us
that we can walk around cognizant of all the horror in the
world and still feel put out when the elevator doors close
inches away from your face? Don't take that lying down;
revel in the experience. Go walking in the snow and write
25
your name in the sky. The next time someone of the opposite
sex asks you to go someplace private, bring them to church
and screw them in the confessional. The sun shines in even
the darkest places on Earth.
Thursday December 13, 2005
26
A STITCH IN RHYM6. S(\\IZS LIMES
I can't tell what is worse, pelting someone in the head
with a giant ball of ice, or blaming someone else when your
balls hit. I can't stand bullying, maybe because I think I
used to be a bully. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just
flagellating myself too much.
On the Daily Show last night they announced that the high
court in South Africa said it was illegal to deny same sex
couples the full rights to marriage. The US has always been
very slow in recognizing human rights, but now that South
Africa is more progressive it ' s time to think clearly about
the meaning of such events.
America and South Africa began their political lives in the
Western World as colonies of Britain. America spent
thousands of man-hours and men on achieving independence,
only to be slapped around by Britain a few years later.
South Africa achieved independence through non-violent
passive resistance by the nations poor and middle class.
Imagine that, the people changed the political system in the
country without resorting to violence.
The survival of the United States and any hope it has for a
future depends on the immigrant populations now burgeoning
within our cities. I saw a speaker the other day that said
that the best thing to do was kill all white people, and
27
while I agree in principal, what's worked best can work
against them as well. White people need their spirits
broken; they need a long period of suffering, forty years,
etc, etc.
I started talking about bullying and then I got into
retribution and US policies, and Bob Loblaw. All this is way
too much work. I want to roll a big joint, one that the
whole world can smoke then I want to light it and go to
sleep.
Wake me up when we're nothing but ashes.
Wednesday December 14, 2005
28
WE'RE THE KOPS OF we WORLD
The last thing I want to see before I die is the flaming
wreckage of this mess called society. Over the last few
days, I've been reading essays on US Foreign policy and it's
painful to hear about the crimes committed by this country.
I think of myself as jaded, I don't trust politicians, and
because I didn't have a strong background in the subject I
assumed the worst. Somewhere, deep inside my heart, I still
wished for the best; however, it's hard to deny the fact
that until September 11th, 2001, the United States was the
only country opposed to anti- terrorism measures in the UN.
The US declined to join every other country on the planet
(that includes Iraq, Iran and North Korea) because they
objected to a clause that exempted "terrorists" acting to
achieve political independence. Picture that, the United
States, a country founded by terrorists, condemning
terrorists .
So, hypocrites, what is it that makes people hate
themselves. Human intelligence is very limiting so that we
think we can understand the suffering of others, but
suffering is unique to the sufferer. Conversely, happiness,
excitement, and other emotions are also unique to the emoter
so that people are always under the impression that wherever
they are is the least exciting, joyful, fun, etc or that if
they are having fun, then someone elsewhere must be having
more fun. The only time this works out for people is when
29
something bad happens to someone they know, then their worst
suspicions are confirmed, but they're happy to be excluded.
I offer two solutions to this problem; first, Americans need
to smoke more pot, it won't increase the intelligence of the
country, but it will curb its aggressiveness (the only other
cure for aggressiveness is an invasion that hands America
its ass, and until I emigrate I'd rather that not happen
just yet); the second, America needs to have more sex. There
is no reason why I should not be able to walk up to another
consenting adult and engage in anonymous sex with no
repercussions. Now if only my wife felt that way, visits
from our friends would be much more interesting.
Friday December 16, 2005
30
Nei/£R AGAIN
We make bad decisions all the time and follow them with
promises to never again indulge in the detrimental behavior;
this time I mean it, I am never going to see another remake,
adaptation, sequel, etc. Hollywood pushed the last of my
buttons; I will never give them another penny to sit in the
hypnofactory to watch a piece of crap.
King Kong .
Aside from everything else wrong with the movie, the
natives, in the original King Kong, were just what you would
picture the enlightened mind of the 1930' s to see when they
thought of primitive cultures. The natives were people in
blackface, dancing around, wearing grass skirts and coconut
bikinis and what not. When the islanders meet the film crew
they have a dialogue. That was in the 19 - white's only
water fountain - 3 0's.
Update
In the new version of King Kong, the islanders are
bloodthirsty people in blackface; they make bloody
sacrifices to their ape God. There are plenty of other
things wrong with the movie, but that was the worst.
I used to go to the movies expecting the hypnosis, I go to
31
the movies wanting to be swept away, and the last time that
happened, stranger stuck their finger in my ass while I was
asleep (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow) . I have a
friend, with whom I argue the merits of pornography, they
claim it is degrading to women that it objectifies and
demeans. Hollywood cinema is every worst aspect of every
charge leveled against porn producers, it is mindless filth,
purveyed to the lowest common denominator, and demeans
everyone. I'm not saying that porno doesn't do that, but at
least you get to see people fucking, and that's hot.
Monday December 19, 2 05
32
we BEST STORIES HAi/a we crappiest endings
Christmas is such a time of despair, the rush of buying
and orgiastic splendor of the season run out the last energy
of a depleted year. The ancients, who celebrated the holiday
before it was Christmas partied to start the year, not
finish it off. I guess it all depends on how you're getting
drunk or in what cause . I have lost my taste for alcohol . I
keep thinking about those stories that go around, the ones
we all take for granted, but are planted in our logic and
our reasoning like cornerstones.
Stories are a mask, they mask our fears, we try to hide
behind them and wear them like masks because our fears are
really our dreams and there is nothing scarier than the
realization of your dreams. The ancients looked out on the
world and saw a force beyond their control that could kill
them at any time and they called it God, because it meant
their death, but it also gave them life, because there was a
force of life that balanced the death. The only problem is
that society tries to do the opposite, it seeks to build
lasting foundations, and it seeks to live forever. Anyone
who finds the path to God must be put to death by the state;
such is the fate of Jesus and John Lennon and Rand McNally.
Why are people afraid of fucking? God is the unknown, that
uncontrollable force that could kill us or give us life and
the ancients saw God as male and female, the force that
33
gives life. The two bodies together make a third, that
unknown, that is God, and it signs your death warrant as
sure as that sperm and egg give it out . I can understand why-
people are afraid of dying, but only because then they can't
do anymore fucking. So why are people afraid of fucking?
Just because they hang out with bad company? Don't judge
people by the company they keep, but for who they are. Fuck
a stranger for Christmas and to all a good night.
Tuesday December 20, 2 05
34
IN A NUTSHELL
I took a personality test and learned things about myself
that I didn't know before. Apparently, I am adventurous,
intellectual, physically fit, and I have a Peter Pan
complex; I am also sexual, hedonistic, avoidant, anti-
authority, and paranoid. I'm tired of seeing personality
tests that use questions to figure out a person. The only
way to accurately gauge someone ' s personality is to put them
in stressful situations and see how they react, like
lighting them on fire and chaining them to a fence, or
smearing them in pot butter and taking them to a k9 police
convention.
One of the questions on the test stayed in my mind as I
started writing this, a whole series of questions. The test
wanted to know if I thought honesty in a relationship is
important. I couldn't strongly disagree more. A
relationship, like any other game, is best played from a
position of power, and if you talk to your partner too much
you reveal your weaknesses. We betray our secret desires
even when our conscious mind thinks and acts toward the
opposite goal. The less you talk to your partner the more
you can observe their behavior and find a critical weakness
in their defenses, but don't listen to me, I'm a paranoid
sex maniac .
And what's wrong with being a paranoid sex maniac after all,
35
not that anyone said it was, but society shuns sex maniacs,
they're locked in prisons all over the country. The Catholic
Church is battling the sex maniacs hiding in their ranks by
denying homosexuals the sacrament of ordination. The church
was very careful in choosing its language, but the basic
idea is to save face by saying all the kid touching priests
are "that way" because they are gay.
Now I'm going to say something unpopular, and possibly
seditious, but no one is still reading at this point so who
cares; sex maniacs are not monsters. People who have sex
with children are not degenerate scumbags, but in a world
where children as young as one year old are trotted on
television and movie screens for consumption by the masses,
why is it so horrible that sometimes a child or two gets
fucked. If you're willing to let your kid sit in a
McDonald's commercial and hawk their cheesy wares, why are
you a pariah if you decide to let them take Grimace up their
ass on film?
I saw something disturbing the other day. I saw a man
standing at the counter of a jewelry store buying a small
diamond, it barely caught the fluorescent light; and yet,
the ring cost seven hundred dollars. The man winced when he
handed over the money, the whole experience looked painful.
So tell me, why is it that a jewelry shop can operate in the
open, while decent, God fearing, kiddie pornographers hide
36
in society's shadows? The kiddie porn could keep another kid
toucher from touching another kid (if you're really
concerned you could just watch the kid all the time) and at
least the post-coital child gets a lollypop. The guy at the
jewelry store had to pay seven hundred dollars and all he
got was a stupid rock.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday December 22, 2005
37
YOU WOULD TOO
I should have seen it coming.
Think back, "The Man With No Face" "Dead Poets Society, "
"Election," "Captain Ron;" the teachers with the crazy ideas
who teach their students how to expand their minds are
systematically shut down and in some cases horribly
disfigured for their crimes against education. Oh yeah, and
there was Socrates and Jesus too I suppose, but I feel more
comfortable comparing myself to Mel Gibson (he's super cool,
watch the trailer for Apocalypto and then rent "Le Patriot"
for examples) . I've been feeling pretty low about myself for
a while, I still face long nights of intense soul searching,
but I'm tired of feelings like a rape victim. No surrender,
no retreat.
Fuck Children.
Fuck them metaphorically, and fuck them literally, if you
don't do it, it will be even stranger when Uncle Johnny,
Father Billy, and good ole Ralph the pervert (who stands on
the street corner feeling himself when the school bus comes
in the morning) catch them in a dark place. The only
difference between children and adults is that children are
still dumb enough to think there ' s a difference between
children and adults. Why is it any better for me to pick up
a dumb as dirt eighteen year old (16 in NJ) , tell her my
38
name is Charlie and get a quick blowjob (smearing her eyes
shut in the process) than to innocently fuck a two-year-old
baby?
We shouldn't shy away from teaching children about sex. I
watched a deep throat blowjob instructional video tonight
and that's a class that should be taught in high school, for
most of these kids it would teach them at least one valuable
skill for the twelve wasted years in public education, for
the rest it would give them a taste for their future careers
sucking dick's of their corporate masters. For any parents
out there, I want you to picture your precious children
spread-eagled and taking a plug in their butt, remember when
you did the same? Someday I'm going to hang their pictures
on my wall along with photocopies of their birth
certificates each one of them legal, each one of them a
brain dead whore, and each one of them reeking of my semen.
Tell me, did you see that coming?
Tuesday December 27, 2 05
39
IF IT'S GOT A GOOD BEAT AND VOU CAN DANCE TO IT, IT WAS PROBABLV
CREATED BV BLACK PEOPLE
I am out of step with my world.
For a long time I tried to keep my head centered, my whole
being, but lately everything is out of whack. I never
realized how bad it had become until I went back into the
fray and mixed with the normals.
I went for so long without letting the slightest bit of
emotion penetrate the tough outer defenses of my sense of
humor, but time is a bigger foe than I originally
envisioned. It makes me sympathetic with social
conservatives. I am nostalgic for the days when things
seemed to make sense. The only problem is that it was all a
facade; nothing is any different now than it was when I kept
a positive face on everything.
I had two good friends once upon a time, who admired my
optimism, but said that the world was going to beat me down
soon enough. I try to keep my head up because there's too
much beauty in the world to ignore and I'm a stubborn
bastard who wants to prove them wrong.
A person can't live so out of step with the world, in which
he lives, look what happened to poor Pierre Bezuhov, when
you're swimming against the current for too long, eventually
40
you crack up. I need to find my center, but society wants me
to bow down. Have I mentioned that I'm obstinate?
There are no rules; I make them up as I go along.
Flying geese free us from the painting motif.
Art should be free .
Even the best made films bear a closer resemblance to a Big
Mac or a Cadillac Escalade than the Mona Lisa.
Mercedes is a much nicer girl than I deserve.
I don't care if it kills me and I don't care if I sound
stupid. I'm not going to give in, not an inch. All my life
I've seen people belittled and pushed aside, their views
invalidated by their station in life or a lack of
aspirations. Tonight I told a girl that education was
useless and she said, "It's good to see that you have
dreams." As if school helps you dream as it's molding you
into the same person as everybody else. College wasn't a
waste, in the job market yes, it was a waste, but college
for the sake of college was the best experience of my life.
I learned a lot, none of it useful, and I enjoyed myself.
It took me years to figure it out, but I am an idiot, I am a
41
bum, and no matter what I say people will laugh. Who cares
what a bum has to say? I can scream just as loud as anyone
else. Suck on that.
Monday January 9, 2 06
42
ON TUESDAY m ItMt FOR HOME
In thirty days or less I am moving to South Korea for a
year to teach English.
Sunday January 15, 2 06
43
while on we. subject of sex
You've seen them, posters and adverts for products that
have nothing to do with bikini clad women featuring bikini -
clad women. Mercedes and I recently found an add for guitar
pedals with models showing them off. That's not what I want
to talk about .
Remember adds for beer commercials and Chevy trucks?
"Brokeback Mountain" premiered in nationwide release this
week and people all around me are giving it a lot of shit. I
found out something interesting though, it's not about gay
cowboys. Sure two men hump each other, but I don't think
they're gay at all. As I said to someone yesterday: "You
were in the navy, you remember what it's like."
So remember all those beer and Chevy ads featuring rugged
cowboys out in the open plains? All those rugged cowboys
planted a fantasy in the American Brainscape .
Fucking another person of the same gender does not make you
gay any more than eating an egg makes you a chicken, fucking
someone of the opposite gender does not make you straight.
Fucking is just fucking, there's nothing more to it. People
talk about emotions and connection and blaa blaa blaa.
That's the territory of friendship, you should connect with
44
your friends, and the connection with a lover is physical.
If you're looking for trust in your lovemaking then have sex
with your friends. Imagine if someone showed up to play
soccer and another player stopped the game every few minutes
to talk about emotion and connection.
I dream of a new world, we'll change the name America to
*$&% city and let everyone go buckwild. There should be
people fucking in the streets, like cats.
I have no ending for this.
Tuesday January 24, 2 06
45
SIESTAS FOR eveRYOHt
Righteous indignation is for pussies; we're taking this
thing to the next level. Remember those little bastards who
made sure that everyone played by the rules at Monopoly?
Those poor slobs who didn't know that it was much more fun
to throw play money into the air and make a hat have sex
with a shoe. These are the people running our government. We
don't need more rules, we need less. People should be
allowed to run free and do whatever the hell they want when
they're alone. We need more laws that put restrictions on
people who want to form groups like governments, the police,
professional athletes, religious whackos, and the Supremes.
There are only rules because someone made them up, and, as
the President has shown us, if you don't like a rule, then
you don't have to follow it. Jefferson and the rest liked
that one just fine. I don't hold it against George Bush that
he listened in on people's phone calls, if you didn't know
he was a corrupt asshole until now then you deserved to get
tricked. I've never met the man, but if I come within a
country mile of a TV or radio on which he appears and I can
smell his bullshit like it was fresh, but after five years,
I'm tired of having to eat with the constant smell of fresh
ass .
The worst part about righteous indignation is that you have
to wait for the intervention of time, a deity, or a sniper
to see you dreams fulfilled.
46
Tomorrow I go clothes shopping for the first time in five
years. The last time I bought one pair of pants and two
shirts. I want a suede jacket so I can wear out the elbows
and put patches on them.
In the last few minutes before Hitler died do you think he
thought: "I was wrong" or "Now they'll never catch me?"
Do you think Jesus ' s last thoughts before the nails went
into his hands were: "I'm a carpenter about to be nailed to
death. If life is truly ironic then I'm glad I didn't take
that job as a fluffer."
Do you think the Pope keeps his hat on in the back room of
the church where the altar boys get dressed?
Those were uncalled for, but I thought they were funny,
let's bring it down to another level.
Do you think the Pope bunches or folds his toilet paper? How
many times do you think the pope goes before an audience
just before wiping his ass? How often do you take a crap
right before leaving for work, or while at work? That's
about how often.
The only rule that nature gave us was that one -day we were
47
born and someday we'll die. Everything in between is
garbage, things we made up for ourselves to make certain
actions seem appropriate at certain times. Like the
forgotten commandments of Deuteronomy and Leviticus
governing everything from sex with your slaves to fiscal
responsibility in the desert, the only time people care
about the rules is when they find someone else breaking
them. The Republicans used it to their advantage so expertly
on Clinton that the Democrats may never recover from the
blow, the shitty thing is that history is written by the
multinational conglomerate that runs both parties and the
dog and pony show they put on for us in Washington can be
entertaining, but I make a plaintive cry.
If Washington is not going to do anything important, then we
should elect celebrities to figure head positions and
pretend they govern for a living, just like now except we'll
have semi-nude teen girls with their own movies, recording
contracts, production studios, clothing lines, makeup
accessories, and beverage endorsements shoved up their tight
teen assholes instead of Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.
You want to challenge yourself, trying masturbating with
both of them going at once, it's hard at first, but once you
plaster their faces with semen, you'll feel a whole lot
better.
Wednesday January 25, 2 06
48
49
TH£ £HD OF A MINIATURE ERA
We're finally finished filming Dr. Satanicus . That means
that in less than a week (in my dreams) or two (in reality)
I'll have a finished copy ready for a screening. I laughed
my ass off making the movie, and as much as I hope people
enjoy it... I've already had my fun; I'm good. For anyone
who doesn't know about Dr. Satanicus it's about the titular
mad scientist (Mike Liska) trying to revive the spirit of
the devil with a statue, stolen by two of his goons (Dimitry
Nemirovsky and Dennis Howell) . The goons lose the statue and
a couple (Chris Porter and Cia ???/Annie Goldstein) find it,
only to discover that it has mysterious powers.
Check out the movie when it's finished, I'll have a link for
downloads .
Art is free.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Sunday January 29, 2 06
50
THE ART OF GLASS
Think about this moment right now. Chances are, you're
confused, don't know where to turn. Some people say religion
is the answer, and a lot of the time, if you're looking for
advice; you're going to meet a lot of assholes. That's why
I'm offering my books on tape. For $19.95 you'll get both
books: "Feel Better About Yourself By Buying My Book" and
"Put Your Hands in Your Pockets and Give Me All Your Money,
Vol. 1" plus I'll throw in the ultimate knife for free.
You'll also receive two pounds of infinite love and
happiness, but only if you act now, because supplies are
limited, and we can't just give this stuff away. Listen to
testimonials from some of our satisfied customers.
"The only thing I love more is strippers." Strip Club
Patron; Boise, Idaho
"Take your books back to Russia, commie." Farmer Ted,
Editor of the Iowa City Sun Times.
"I am impressed with this product. Please Check One" - A.
Nonymous Customer, Any town, MA
Who buys this crap? Every time I ask someone they say no,
but they don't put those commercials on TV because people
don't buy the product, do they? You're out there, with your
electric toilet seats, and your scented anal suppositories,
51
and your Jessica Simpson flavored cosmetics. The American
Consumer. Like a plague of locusts, we're lucky that their
numbers are so few or this continent would look worse than
Africa (Antarctica doesn't count, the US government does not
formally recognize the sovereign state of Penguinland) . Send
me all your money and I promise that not only will my book
bring you financial success but it will help you (circle all
that apply)
lose weight
gain weight
build your self esteem
learn gun repair
increase your penis/breast size
That's the kind of ad I'd like to see, where people can
just make up their own miracle product that then take the
money they would spend on singing suspenders and eat it,
since it will soon be worth less than a blowjob from the
President on Friday night. That's why I started writing this
to talk about the super bowl .
I think Janet Jackson frightened America (white women
don't like the idea of mulatto children any more than white
men) . We were having fun for a while, everybody was starting
to get really comfortable, herpes was disseminating enough
to restore a large portion of the population to the dating
pool, then September 11th happened and the stick, which was
52
almost out, went right back up America's supple, pink ass.
I'm soon leaving this country, but I am not concerned,
because I believe in the Super Bowl.
No one cares about football. Even the athletes have given
up trying, settling instead for giving 50% collecting more
money than God (still, the players union is a perfect
example of why America needs to organize its labor. Look at
the wonders it has done for professional sports and
entertainment) The Super Bowl is about selling ads, and more
people tune in to watch the commercials than the game
itself. America loves to shop, but it creams its jeans just
to do it from the couch.
The nice thing about largesse is that it creates wealth,
but it costs a lot to keep up. You not just have to be
wealthy, but you have to look and act wealthy, otherwise
people will think you're a rube. The Superbowl is staying
the same every year, but the spectacle around it is getting
worse and worse every year. The advertisers want to
advertise because the super bowl is popular, but the
Superbowl is popular because of the advertisers. This kind
of logic can be maddening.
So the players, who are now at 50% capacity, gather in a
far off place, attended by thousands of people, where every
hill billy bumfuck and multinational conglomeration comes to
53
hawk their cheesy wares amidst sub par, family safe, crappy
entertainment. Americans are a bunch of rubes, because what
I just described is a big flea market. I wouldn't mind so
much, but get rid of the family friendly entertainment. I'd
like to see a halftime show where the losing teams plays the
catchers, and the winning team pitches. Lock them in the
stadium and let them chase each other around. Loser gets it
in the ass.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Monday February 6, 2 06
54
I MIGHT NOT ei/£R S££ A BULLFIGHT BUT I'LL SWEAR TO YOU I DID
It's not that I don't like values and customs; it's just
that I don't trust them. No one is born a president, a
garbage man, or a pornstar, they become over time based on
the experiences that shape their lives; how does that affect
a person's value? If every one's experience is unique then
human life is invaluable because it is impossible to replace
a person in the same way you might a toaster. That leads me
back to customs, because they're just behaviors invented by
people no different than me or you, so they are not anymore
valuable than anything I can think of; like my fourth annual
masturbation getaway (Go to a Public Place on a random day
of the year and do something completely worthless: see a
movie, read a magazine, watch commercial television, rub
your private parts against a tree) .
Too many people think that might justify all kinds of
behavior including the proper way to celebrate, for what
reasons, and at what time. Remember just two months ago, the
people who were worried about the sanctity of Christmas? By
that same logic, there is a large segment of the population
locked in jail because they committed crimes, why don't
these people have their own culture?
It turns out they do. The prison culture. Where things are
truly equal between black and white because there are more
black people in jail than white. The last time I interacted
55
with an authority figure they saw a group of young black men
walking close together and said: "Look at these gang
members." Or something like that. I wanted to pull down the
vanity mirror in front of her and say: "Look at this cunt."
I had a crazy uncle, who used to write bad poems and
"presumably" (he never let me read them) bad books as well.
When I was a child I laughed at this man, pouring so much
energy into a pointless task, the same way I'm sure nomadic
hunters used to laugh at the idiots digging in the ground to
make their food.
There is no such thing as value, when you believe in it
you're chasing a dream. Something is valuable only so much
as another person wants it. When a rapist looks at you and
decides that you are their next victim, you are suddenly
valuable, even something of a commodity. I can sit here and
talk about this all day, but you'd get even more bored than
you are now if you're still reading this. Regardless of your
values, the only thing I can say for certain is that no one
has ever wanted to the police to show up for themselves;
therefore we may conclude that the police are without value.
In other words, worthless.
Friday February 10, 2 06
56
BALANCE
Never take anything seriously and damn the consequences
I was talking to someone recently who said that yes, they
did take it up the ass, and yes, they would suck a dick that
had hitherto been in their ass, but they didn't like gay
porn, they thought it was gross. I'm writing this because
the last thing felt so heavy, and I didn't mention ass
fucking once .
Get over yourself.
The hardest thing for me to do is admit that I am worthless,
just like everyone else, because I'd like to think that my
mother was right, and not PC, when she told me I was
special. I have a wish list that I wish might come true,
even if it's a long shot. Every day, I wish someone would:
Fart out loud, in public
It's refreshing, you shouldn't feel so stuffed up all day,
and besides, it's always better, when speaking in reference
to the hole between your butt cheeks, to loosen up.
Trick someone
It doesn't have to be a Rube Goldberg style "Punk'd" just do
57
something that will throw someone off, peel a pull/push sign
off a door, switch two letters on someone's keyboard while
they're not paying attention, unscrew a perfectly good light
bulb, but leave it in the socket.
Read something
It doesn't matter what it is, just read it, which if you're
reading my wish list, you're already doing, so good, you're
ahead of the game, but there are people out there who are
slacking off. Go out into the street and beat them with
books until they submit. And don't worry about what's in the
books; the basics of auto mechanics can be just as
interesting as teaching women how to ejaculate.
Give yourself a present
Don't plan on it, don't anticipate it, just look for the
opportunity and do it. Thank you, Cooper.
Revel in your body's waste
Masturbate, Pick your nose, scratch your ass and smell it,
take a good long whiff of your armpits, scrape the dead skin
off some part of your body and show it to a friend. If you
are already doing this, good for you, if you have just
finished doing this, wait a few minutes and do it again, if
58
you are boiling in rage at these suggestions, why don't you
go jerk off.
I wish I were a mole in the ground. Sex Mahoney for
President .
Friday February 10, 2 06
59
HAPPY VAltHTMZ'S DAY
February 14th is, in some cultures, the real groundhog
day, except it applies to bears; that's the day the bears
wake up; the holiday is symbolic is symbolic of all things
spring, rejuvenation (they say love knows no age, it can
make the old young, and the young pregnant, another sign of
spring) and the other aspect of love that leaves mattress
stains; however, in America it is St. Valentine's Day. Young
lovers in love and the hopelessly romantic are giving gifts,
rejoicing in the coming spring, and leaving stains on
mattresses, car seats, and carpets everywhere. What's up
with all the artifice?
My head is bursting with things to say about Valentine's
Day, holidays generally make me feel like I'm out of touch
with the mainstream. It's hard to deny the power that love
has, as much as I try to be cynical about everything,
because it really does take you away, but love is the easy
part of other people. Spring is romance and love because it
bursts forth so fast that there isn't time to think, it's
all instinct; it's the easy part. The hard part is figuring
out what to do with another person once you're tired of each
other, but I didn't start writing this to talk about my
views on cannibalism.
A relationship, physical or otherwise, is built on
friendship, but sex is such a strange activity that it
60
twists everything around. I wouldn't mind if I caught my
significant other played hai alai with another person, but
as open minded as I try to be, I don't know I could extend
the same understanding if I found them fucking someone else;
it bothers me because it doesn't make sense. Sure monogamy
makes sense considering venereal disease, but when has that
ever stopped anyone from a particular behavior. A friend is
someone with whom you can sit around and play boggle, but
then what do you do with a lover. I've tried to keep fucking
all the time, but it just gets sore after awhile.
I hear people say things like: "It's special," but I can't
imagine them saying the same thing if they were with some
kind of freakish person, like the elephant man. It's special
means, I'm dreaming of someone out of my league. I suppose
it's just another trait, some people look for it in a
partner, some don't care. The artifice is the only thing
that turns me off, you don't worry about your racquetball
partner being special, and you just want to see how well
they play. It's not that there aren't enough venues for
people to find a sexual partner, I just don't understand how
much liquor or chocolate it seems people need to get the job
done. If you're single, and you have single friends out
there, sleep with your friends; at least you'll have
entertaining stories to tell at parties. But which ones to
sleep with?
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Men are easy to get along with, we have similar interests,
and you don't have to talk very much with other men, but
they're just not as milky soft as you'd like them to be...
the lack of breasts is also disappointing.
So this Valentine's here's to the ladies, despite your
erratic mood swings and violent tempers at least you've got
breasts. It's almost enough to make me want to buy you gals
a box of chocolates.
Tuesday February 14, 2006
62
HOT FRESH BREAD, NOW THAT'S A MOUTHFUL
The Daily Show did a bit about Myspace, how awesome is
that? Have you ever heard of a drug called Mucinex? It's an
expectorant that's supposed to break up phlegm, that how
it's advertised, what they don't tell you is that the phlegm
then comes out of your ass in the form of painful, explosive
diarrhea. Sometimes I want to write something, but I'm not
sure what; after watching TV commercials for five minutes,
it's like I've got a mainline straight to my muse.
Who buys it? How many of you have seen an ad, one that does
not mention price, and thought to yourself: "Man I have to
have that." Sometimes the ads are right up front, read
"Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle," but sometimes they
hide, every other mother in the theater. I can't remember
the last time I saw a movie without a product placement .
Now, companies have to advertise, that's how most of them
stay alive, after all, no one needs Coca-Cola, Calvin Klein,
or Nair to live and artists need money to produce their art,
so what ' s the problem?
Creative control, artists have it, at least when they're
producing for themselves, when the corporations get
involved, then executives want to make changes based on
market research and test audiences; all of them trying to
catch lightning in a bottle. That hackneyed quip is the most
intelligent thing about advertising because no one can
63
create a success, ask Kelly Clarkson. As bad as I thought
the Lord of the Rings movies were, people went to see them
in droves, that's a success. When you spend half your money
on advertising and the other half on a star who can't act,
all you have is the same old story, told with new faces, and
hopefully a nude scene or two, only to make a 10% profit,
that's not a hit, that's lucky.
I want to make myself perfectly clear, the Lord of the Rings
will be a classic for this generation, and then it will
disappear for the children who will make their own version
of the same story. Classics become icons and stand long
after their value is gone, but people ignore them in droves
because they're old and tired, like crippled children trying
to beg change on the street, they're more likely to be
ignored than spit on, but that doesn't mean anyone cares.
I just heard an ad for a cell phone ring that says: "I'm
counting down the minutes until I can be with you again."
I will spin in circles and shout this until my lungs burst
and my remaining testicle turns into a puddle of goo : art is
about artificial creating, anyone can do it at any time, it
requires no special skill, just the time and will to
accomplish a task. This is a useless plea, but stop... Stop
going to see crappy movies, make your own. Camera's are not
that expensive, and if it is out of your price range, then
64
put on a play with your friends . I hear the nay Sayers and
the jackaninnies saying: "But we want to see experienced
professionals." To which I reply: "When they start making
good movies, then you can stop." We need to take back this
mode of expression, take it away from the rich, who use the
mass consciousness of this country like a playground, acting
out their whims and fantasies.
Cavemen used to paint on walls because it gave them power of
the animals that sometimes killed them, maybe that ' s why I
love satire. Rich folks are sure to kill me one day, because
until they do I'm just going to keep making fun of them.
Call it a challenge if you will. Go ahead, I dare you.
So the Daily Show did a piece on Myspace, joking about the
decline of real intimacy because of the volume of people on
the site. I'm happy to say that I know all of my friends,
most of whom I have met in well-lit places (only a few in
dark alleys, but most of them never paid me, so aren't they
real friends too?) . One day I hope to be a liability to you
all.
Friday February 17, 2 06
Seven mattresses and she can still feel the pea
Princesses, girls are raised to believe that even though
they clean floors for a living, they have every right to act
like a spoiled bitch because they're special, after all who
is protecting the virtuous flower of womanhood. I see these
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forms all over the place, "10 things girls wished guys knew"
or "What women really mean when they say" and they all
support that same ideology, that women are princesses who
must be coddled, and don't ever go sticking anything near
their asses. I am sensitive to the fact that women are
treated worse than men in our society, but pretending to be
a princess, or feeding into that stereotype, is not the way
to change the situation.
I hate artifice, see my thoughts on Valentine's Day, and I
hate authority, so when women tell me that they're
princesses they really mean: "I'm better than you" and if
you've ever looked at most women, you'd know that is not the
case. Granted, there are a lot more hot women out there than
there are men, but let me clarify that, young women, it's
very hard to find a girl over the age of twenty who hasn't
started a gradual process of widening, but everybody is
equal, or so I thought.
It turns out we're both wrong, me because I'm an idiot, who
is hardly ever right, but the girl's because of a
misconception. So here's something for the girls, akin to
"Guys wish girls knew" except it ' s a very simple list, one
item.
Ladies: You are not special, every man you have ever met is
trying to fuck you; some of them just want the goods up
66
front, if that is the case put out right away or they'll
just get bored and look for an easier target; the others
will put up with a lot of your shit before moving on, that
doesn't mean he loves you, he's just dedicated. Don't take
credit for it, just go with it, or I'm going to copy write
the sun rise and tell everyone it does it for me because I'm
a hottie.
Attractiveness is an accident, if you were born hot don't
hide it away in a tower like Rapunzel, whore it around like
Snow White; otherwise, the only time you'll be attractive is
if someone else finds you attractive, or you stop
masturbating long enough to realize that everyone is ugly in
their own way, and you're no worse.
Thursday February 16, 2 06
67
HtllO, BABY HtllO, I CAN'T FIND MY FACE FOR A WHILE
The telephone, it began as a slow death. I started
college a few months before cell phones really took off and
I didn't see them everywhere until the spring, in the
meantime I gave up calling people and Rutgers shut off my
phone for non-payment. People could still call my number,
but I could not call anyone; I didn't care, everyone I
needed to talk to lived minutes away and I didn't have to
put on shoes to do it . I started using instant messaging a
lot more. In high school I dated this girl for a very long
time, and she loved to talk on the phone, hell, when I was
in high school I loved to talk on the phone, I did it for
hours on end. One day, I got tired of the telephone.
Fast -forward a few years, and now everyone has a cell phone
and I don't have any phone at all. For the last week or so,
I have been without a telephone and it's wonderful. It's so
quiet around the house, and I never have any unwanted
distractions, I could get used to life like this. I know
that some time son I have to get a new phone, but I'm going
to delay it as much as possible.
In the meantime, I'm nearing 70% completion on Dr.
Satanicus . I have a few more voice sessions to record and
then we're done with the movie. I'll have it finished before
I leave for Korea and it will be on archive.org along with
"The Purple Monkey Strikes Again" and "We're Out of Pot!"
68
Sometime this week I'm going to shoot a short drama, it's
going to be serious, but I hope it will be funny as well.
When I leave for Korea, my old geocities page is going live
with a big archive full of classic Sex, including old
scripts, novels, and hopefully I'm going to serialize the
new one so you will not only have updates about life in
Korea, but a nice story to go along with my absence, just in
case you thought life would get to sane without me. I'm so
full of myself it's ridiculous, but at least I'm
artesticularly productive.
Monday February 20, 2 06
69
HERE'S TO THE STATE
I have two things for which I am thankful: the rise of
low cost retail electronics and the demise of pubic hair. I
know, you say: "What do these two things have to do with one
another?" On the surface they seem to be completely
different subjects, but bear with me and closer examination
will make everything clear.
It wasn't until the end of the seventies that advances in
the field of pubic hair; prior to the event known as, the
great trimming of America, it was too difficult to get a
good view, made it possible for everyday people to explore
the hairless world. Even as late as 2000 a study taken of
women and men showed that as many as 2 5% of men and women
over the age of 18 did
nothing to stem the growing tide of unwieldy pubic hair.
Let me take this opportunity to editorialize. Pubic hair
makes no sense, sure there is a gland nearby and you grow
lots of hair in glandular places, but why? Plumage to
attract a mate? Until people are more comfortable with
showing off their pubes in public, that argument doesn't
suffice .
My generation is the last of a dying breed, the kind of
people who were alive before the affordable home PC, in the
days of crazy pubic hair. The world was a lot less
70
functional in those days, back then, if I wanted a rare
album I would have to go out and talk to weirdo's in hotel
conference rooms, now I just have to click a few buttons and
just about anything is at my fingertips, including the
soiled underpants of a gorilla named Mittens. The world is
becoming more functional, sure there are still flare ups of
the old world order (damn you peasant shirt, go away until
all the bras are gone, don't get me started on bras) but
people demand instant satisfaction now. Gone are the days of
waiting for anything, we want it raw, fast, hard, and right
now.
Cheap electronics bring movies, music, and above all else,
porno, to the people who need it most, and if you need it
fast, then the computer services your needs as well. The
computer opens up so many options, sure I can buy bottled
water from any of the stores nearby, but I can order special
water taken directly from the Amazon River, slurped into the
gaping assholes of South American tribal chiefs, and shipped
to my door at affordable prices. No wonder, the big pubic
hair bush went away, we have variety. Who wants to settle
for the old, antiquated model, when I can get a clean one
with just a few clicks. All this functionality is stripping
away the fat and excess (and bush?) of the old world order.
Don't get me wrong, in these days of plastic surgery,
sometimes the classics are nice, and you can see, as
71
evidenced by the 2000 and 2004 elections, that some people
have trouble letting go of their bush. They say: "It's ugly,
I want to keep, whatever is down there, hidden from the
light of day." Well, I say it's time to take out the razor,
the scissors, the hot wax, the Nair, and whatever other
accessories you have, and let's defeat the bush. I can't
spend all day picking hairs out of my teeth and off my uvula
(aka the hanging ball of courage) , I need both of my hands
to order these soiled Japanese gorilla panties.
Wednesday February 22, 2 06
72
BUT I KNOW IT WILL CATCH UP WITH ME SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE
I don't know why I'm a genius, but I am. I know exactly
why I'm an evil genius, because it's more fun, but somewhere
along the line, one or both of my parents must have been
exposed to radiation, or, in the case of my mother,
adulterous sex with a Nobel Laureate. Either way, I am a
frickin' genius.
Today, I heard a man lambasted for wanting to disband the US
army and a number of his critics reacted as though he said
people shouldn't breathe anymore. No army? What kind of
crazy country would do that? I mean, you'd have to be insane
to think that it ' s not absolutely necessary to maintain a
body of people whose sole purpose is to kill, rape, and burn
while preventing other countries from killing raping and
burning those designated for protection.
Why not get rid of the army? Well, for one, it creates jobs,
but you could make the same argument about porno, in fact,
given the proclivities of those in the armed services, they
could make some banging porno with all the time they spend
learning useless skills, like learning to shoot brown
people .
What will keep us safe without an army? This doesn't need to
be addressed, we're a Christian country, if anyone marches
against us, and we will only turn the other cheek and wish
73
them the best.
So why is one guy, the mayor or rep from San Francisco,
ripped to shreds for suggesting that we get rid of the army?
Is it that crazy of an idea, that, even if peace is not
achieved, someone else does all the fighting? War is game
like any other, except the pieces are so much larger, and
the hands moving them are so much richer. We're the ones who
play the game, the civilians and the poor who fill the ranks
of the lowly soldier, and we're the ones killed as the some
other country's poor suckers come to do the dirty work. So
why not stop playing?
I'm issuing a call, for all soldiers, all around the world,
to lay down their weapons and fight no more for the power
hungry idiots all over the world. If the soldiers everywhere
are upset with this call, then I ask that you keep your
guns, but use them to murder your generals, your presidents,
your kings, and your leaders. When you are done, kindly turn
the guns on yourselves. In the meantime, while you are
overseas fighting for freedom, I will be having sex with
your girlfriend. Suck on that.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday February 23, 2 06
74
H£AI/eN UT YOUR LIGHT SHINE DOWN
Self tanning and tanning beds? They screw up the pigment
in your body and make your lips look weird, if you want to
darken your skin, why not just roll around in shit?
Liquor advertisements are the best. My favorite one is a
commercial for Bailey's Irish Creme that they don't show
anymore. In it, there is a zero gravity bar, where globules
of liquor float around the room and people scarf them down
in a fun and free environment. Please drink responsibly. For
thirty dollars I can make my own commercial: in it, I will
have someone having sex with a playboy playmate, and then
when they suck on her pussy, smoke will come out and a joint
will emerge from the playmates vagina then it will start
raining naked women from the ceiling. Please smoke
responsibly.
Thursday February 23, 2 06
75
THIS IS MY ONE PHONE CALL AND BABY I'M CALLING YOU
Oh America, I didn't expect you home so early. What? I
always do my sit-ups naked in bed. There's nothing in the
closet. I... It's okay, you can come out South Korea, and we
have nothing to hide. Now I know what you're thinking, and I
know how this looks, but let me explain. You see, I haven't
been happy for a long time, and I think we need some time
apart. You've changed America. You used to be happy and self
destructive, and wild and young, but now you're just a tired
old crank; not to mention, you used to be a demon in the
sack. Now all that's gone, you never let me put it in your
butt anymore and you think I should have to suck my own
dick. Well, let me tell you something, South Korea gives me
something you never could. So what if South Korea's using
me, at least it's honest, not cheap and tawdry like you've
become. Look at yourself, all bloated, covered in makeup
from head to toe and stinking like some kind of Parisian
hooker. I know, it's hard, but we weren't good for each
other, and maybe we can make a life for ourselves apart.
Okay... one last time... for the road. That's right
America. . . you like that don't you. . . with liberty. . . and
justice. . . for all. . . Oh now, let it run down your chin,
just like I like it. Now spit it back into my mouth, you
taste that, that's freedom, it costs a buck o'five.
Wednesday March 1, 2 06
76
I'l/a GOT SOMETHING TO SAV SIR AND I'M GONNA SAV IT NOW
For those of you who haven't go check out the new
releases from RJ Productions NJ at We ' re Out of Pot , The
Evil of Dr Satanicus , and The Purple Monkey Strikes Again .
I am safe inside Korea, I've been working like a dog, but
I love teaching and I'm enjoying every minute of this. Great
things about Korea: Height Adjustable Shower heads. This
country is great. I can't wait to come back home, but it's
going to be a fun year in the meantime. You can still reach
me here at Myspace . See you all soon. Much love and luck in
love to you all.
Sex Mahoney
Sunday March 5, 2 06
77
A BREAK AT LAST
I finally have a break when I can post a full blog, so
here are some initial impressions of Korea.
This country rocks.
Picture everything that stinks about America and here in
Korea they have found a practical solution, for instance:
1 . Plenty of bicycle parking
2. Height adjustable showerheads
3 . Children learn
You heard me, children learn here. There are very few
taboo topics, on my first day I spent two classes discussing
health care reform under the topic "Menstrual Leave For
Female Students and Workers," none of the students giggled,
they listened to the lecture thoughtfully, read the articles
carefully, and responded adroitly (so many f*ing adverbs) .
American schools are like prisons where children are molded
into obedient slaves. Korean schools are like bright
bastions of learning, where children are molded into actual
productive members of society. Maybe I'm hyperbolizing, but
I love this country. Fuck you America. Oh yeah, and the food
is great, everything is spicy and has an actual flavor, not
just hot.
Monday March 6, 2 06
78
FREEDOM, BtMTY, TRUTH, AND LOI/E
For the second time, I am coming to the end of F.
Dostoevsky ' s "The Idiot" and my soul feels like it's
bursting with love. I cannot describe how I feel in visceral
terms, so love doesn't quite cut the cheese, but it's close;
imagine if you will, having your intestines pulled out
through your nostrils at the same time as having twelve
orgasms. In America, it feels like everything that is
beautiful must be beaten down and everything that is
degraded built up, until we have the country I left, one of
excessive mediocrity, something akin to the Egalitarian
giant, who wanted to beat down the mountains and raise up
the valleys. I want to love everyone, but I usually end up
hurting everyone; I feel like such a Myshkin. When my wife
joins me in Korea, I'm going to kiss her harder than I've
ever kissed anyone, which is not quite true, but it's close.
We have never been separated this long, and I still have two
days to go.
Biding my time.
Wednesday March 8, 2 06
79
LUNCH WAGON LEFT I STAVED AT MY DESK
Last night I went to dinner all by myself, which may not
seem like a big deal to you, but to me it was daunting. The
last time I attempted this task I was met with rejection;
however, I was determined not to give up until I achieved my
goal. I walked to an open-air market full of restaurants and
bars, finally picking the emptiest one (for all my bluster,
I am still afraid of being laughed at) and sat down. The
waiter recommended something, and I took him at his first
suggestion, which was a beef dish, grilled on the table
before me; it was very similar to hibachi, but it was a
barbeque, not a grill, as I have already stated (of course
the barbeque has a grill upon which the food is cooked, but
for now, let's let grill be grille) . The food was delicious
and it came with a number of side dishes including: kimchi,
a different kind of kimchi (this one with bean sprouts) , raw
onion, hot pepper, garlic, something like cocktail sauce,
and a bowl full of lettuce. I wasn't sure for what to use
the lettuce so I left it sitting on the table, later, when
the grill caught fire, I learned that it is used for damping
out flames. I ate, grilled more beef then ate that as well.
The whole thing was so savory; I didn't mind the mostly
liquid shit I took this morning.
I want to say that it was a unique experience simply
because I was in Korea and unable to speak the language of
anyone in the restaurant, but, as try as I might, I don't
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think I've ever gone out to a restaurant alone. All of the
Koreans were out and about with their friends, which only-
increased my loneliness (Mercedes is coming in 36 hours
thank god) . The other American teacher here is somewhat
skittish about eating the local culture, and after the
liquid shit, I can't blame him, but when in Rome, contract
disease like the Romans. I think the Koreans in the
restaurant were laughing at me anyway, I can't tell. At one
point, during the meal, the waiter came over with a fork,
but I waved him away; sure, I'm clumsy with chopsticks and
they make my hands hurt, but if I don't learn, I'll never be
able to pass for a local. Fin.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday March 8, 2 06
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I STILL SMELL TOMACCO ON MY FINGERS
I saw a bird outside today that the Koreans call a
magpie, but looks entirely different from the American bird
of the same name; however, the bird struck me with its
beauty and its grandeur, not so much because of its excess
of those qualities, as it was the first wild animal I have
seen since arriving here a week ago. America finally has one
thing in which it surpasses Korea, the variety of its
wildlife. I actually miss those devious squirrels, even
their plans for world domination, because, when faced with a
world without squirrels, I would rather live-forever in
their servitude than dwell in an entirely human world. So
for those of you that worried that I might not return from
my sojourn to the Far East, don't fear, I'll come back for
the birds.
Thursday March 9, 2 06
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one is we ronri^st number
Mercedes is here in Korea, finally, and as much as I was
longing for her, now that she's here I have attained my aim,
it takes some of the fun out of life. Not that I don't enjoy
her company, but sometimes the waiting is what keeps us
going. With that in mind, I'm reaching the end of Don
Quixote, and for those of you who have never read the book,
it is one of the saddest things I have ever experienced in
my life. For me, there are few things that elicit an
emotional response, I hardly ever cry over real life events,
but when Jimmy Stewart comes home at the end of "It's A
Wonderful Life," when King Arthur disappears in Book VI of
"The Faerie Queene," and when Koyla shouts "Hurrah for
Karamavoz" at the end of the book of the same title; I can't
help but start crying. Add to that list the pastoral chapter
at the end of Don Quixote, I can feel the slim pages
remaining in my hands (thank god for the textual notes that
add some depth or I'd fall apart completely) and I cry. If I
knew what was coming I wouldn't have picked the book up
before I went into the bathroom. There is nothing sadder
than a man crying on the toilet bowl while taking a shit,
but if there is a better metaphor for life I have yet to
find it.
It seems that some people cry too easily, tears come just
at the thought of unpleasantries, but, in accordance with
the law of diminishing returns, I have cried enough in my
lifetime; my heart is hardened toward the plight of others.
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Why then, should I feel so touched reading about an
imaginary character coming to the end of his imaginary
adventures?
The world is a cruel place, there is much humor in it,
and I hope that before I die I can make the world turn
upside down laughing; however, what is an upside down guffaw
but a scream. I laugh a lot, but I feel like I should be
screaming; I think I am going mad. The trouble is that there
are so many ordinary people in the world, and to be truly
successful it is necessary that one be as ordinary as
possible. The moment any one of us possesses a
characteristic utterly unique, criticism and hangers-on bog
them down. The former do much damage to the weak mind, but
in their criticism, they bolster the defenses of the ego,
the latter are the downfall of every great man or woman.
Christ was betrayed by one of his number, but it was his
"faithful" disciples who watched him die; Judas had the good
sense to hang himself before the festivities truly began.
Everyone would like to think of themselves unique, and I
am no exception, but sometimes I wish I were completely
ordinary and stupid. If I am one the ordinary, I am more
like the vicious ordinary, like Ganya Ardalionovich, and I
imagine myself to be something more original than I am;
however, if I am unique, I can only hope for a life of
persecution and eventual degradation at the hands of the
people whom I love . I don ' t know what I want .
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To hell with the ordinary and the original, all I want is
some good food, good smoke, and a little loving every once
in a while. To ask for anything more is criminal.
Saturday March 11, 2 06
85
WHITE PEOPLE GOT NO REASON TO lll/E
That's right fishbelly; I'm talking to you.
I came halfway around the world to get away from white
folks, and now that I'm here, I keep running into white
folks.
Last night, Mercedes and I went to a bar to meet all the
teachers from the Park English program. Some of them were
very nice; some of them were very tiring. I try to keep a
good face on things, but white people really are a disease,
and it ' s spreading everywhere . America and most of Europe
should be cleansed of this putridity and right quick.
I met a British man named Gareth who told me that for a
few thousand dollars you can get quite a bit of land in
South East Asia; I think that's awesome, that's where Gaugin
went to die, why can't I, said the fly.
Bar culture seems to be the same everywhere, but I
wouldn't really know. The bars that we went to last night
were all western themed, I'm tired of western themed. The
worst part of it is that everything in the west is just as
hokey as the rest of the world's take on it, so it sets up
horrid little mini Americas everywhere. The Koreans are very
appealing, their culture is logical (patriarchal, but you
can't ask for everything) and considerate; I love that. I
saw a man in the this country help a complete stranger, an
old woman, across the street; I told my students about it
and none of them seem shocked until I told them that in
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America she could have fallen down and people would walk
right over her.
It's not that I dislike white people that much; it's just
that most of my negative qualities are reflected in my
peers, and my peers are all white folks. The friends I have
back home, while not perfect, are good exceptions to that
rule, but for all that, how many of them are there. Of all
the people I've met in my life, I've only stayed in close
contact with a few; what does that say about a lot of white
people?
I try to understand, but it's so hard. I guess that's
just the fascist in me.
Sunday march 12, 2 06
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I HEAR THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE IN OLD SAIGON
I can't think of a damn thing to write so here are some
random pieces of perspiration:
If you're the only one laughing the joke is much funnier
than the intelligence level of the people around you.
Tell a friend that a stranger loves them.
Name a street after yourself, tear down all the signs and
replace them with ones bearing your name, that's how those
streets got their names in the first place.
Find the most pathetic, annoying, insulting person you
can and befriend them, defend them no matter what, and then
just before they die tell them what an asshole they are.
Eat as big a meal as your stomach can handle right before
you die, if you're going out, go in style.
Politicians make more money than legitimate thieves, but
it takes longer to break into that line of work.
Learn how to play a musical instrument with an odd part
of your body, then get it stuck and wander the streets
looking for helpful people to dislodge it.
Break something that is dear to someone else.
Tell the next stranger you meet that their breath smells
bad.
Tell the stranger you meet after that, that they are
exceptionally beautiful.
Take turns lying to people one day, and telling them the
truth the next day. No matter what they ask you, stick to
your convictions.
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On the next warm day, find the heaviest coat you can find
and walk around shivering in a public place.
Break into song or dance at random, begin in the middle
of a line or move and don't complete it, but lapse into
silence and act natural.
Write something uninspiring on an inspirational poster.
Masturbate .
Find a song or artist, movie or book, prose or poem, by
an author you've never heard of and read it all the way
through .
Tell a stranger that your friend hates them.
If you've never done it stick your finger in your ass, as
far as it will go, it just might loosen you up.
Break something that is dear to you.
Monday March 13, 2 06
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BUT I RAP TO THE BEAT, JUST THE SAME
Sometimes, children are maddening. Tomorrow is white day
in Korea, it's when boys give presents to their girlfriends,
they have Valentine's day here, but that's when girls give
presents to their boyfriends. As much as I dislike
Valentine's day, I love the idea that there is a day for
each sex here in Korea. It makes things even. In America,
the idea that feminity is pedestalized drives me bonkers,
but then again, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like to
give or get presents unless they're deserved.
That said, I'm sorry to those of you I haven't called.
The time difference makes the telephone almost completely
useless. Not to mention that I have a cell phone for the
first time in my life, but it doesn't ring or vibrate and
most of the instructions and buttons are in Korean. Buy me
bonestorm or go to hell.
Tuesday March 14, 2006
90
THAT DUSTY OLD DUST IS BLOWING MZ HOMZ
Korea has dust storms, how awesome is that? Of course, in
a relative sense, it's not awesome at all; schools shorten
their days, people stay home, the dust can scratch your
eyes, they recommend that you wash your face, feet and hands
when you come back home, but for me, that's awesome. I mean,
I've always wanted to be a folk singer, I think it's the
coolest job you can have, and to truly be a folk singer, you
have to go through a dust storm or two. I've already got the
poverty down, and I know how to perform in front of a crowd,
now it's time for my real education. The dust storms start
this Saturday, I am cheerfully afraid.
Boll weevil
The only instrument I brought with me to Korea was my
harmonica and now I can't wait to use it while I'm idling
away my hours, trapped inside by a dust storm. Mercedes had
it in her purse when we went out to the bar with the other
English teachers on Saturday night and I took it out when
the American songs came on. I'm terrible at the harmonica,
but luckily, in a bar, it's loud enough that people can't
hear you when you play. A lost of people who were close
enough to hear me play did move away once I started playing.
I miss my guitar; I wish I finished that album before I
left. None of the songs were very good, but none of them was
terribly bad. I'm happy with my artistic output in my pre-
Korea days, two novels in the last two years and a short
film, we're doing all right. Chaucer hadn't done that by my
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age, Milton had, but then again, he was Milton, what do you
want from Milton. Hell, even Spenser didn't publish the
Shepherd's Calendar until he was in his thirties, and I'm
almost finished with mine. Suck on that Spenser, Chaucer,
and Milton.
Dan Bern is posting blogs on myspace . If you don't know
who Dan Bern is, then you should check him out.
If folk music is the voice of the people, why does
everyone complain about the way folk singers sing. Not
everyone can be Joan Baez, and what's so great about Joan
Baez anyway, every time I hear her talk, all she ever has to
say is that she's soooo over Bob Dylan. We know how it is,
you can't quit Jewish guys. I tried explaining that to a
Korean woman last weekend; Mercedes was talking to some guy
at the bar and this Korean woman asked me if I was worried,
I said no because I'm the greatest lover in the world. She
looked at me like I was crazy; obviously she's never had a
Hebraic awakening.
For those of you who don't know who Dan Bern is, or for
those of you who don't think Dan Bern is all that special,
here's a little something that you can read, and here's to
those Korean dust storms, now I gotta be drifting along.
Tuesday March 14, 2006
92
MOLASSES IS NOT AFRAID TO SLOW DOWN
I am hungry, which is a mood that myspace allows its
users to choose from a list of available moods when posting
a blog. I find that amusing, not laugh out loud amusing, but
amusing none the less. This blog is the only thing I've
written since arriving in Korea two weeks ago, and if I'm
not careful with my money, it will be the only thing I write
until I return to America. I want a laptop just like Paul
needed John. I'm too hungry to write anything meaningful.
Mercedes is making dinner tonight for Ray and me, a good old
fashioned American meal made of home fries, eggs, American
cheese and onions.
The Arabic nations of the world are fed up with our
interference in their self determination; as a show of
defiance they will henceforth call it Shitty Cheese.
I miss home a lot, but I wouldn't go back there.
You can't ever go home again, home is just the place
where they have to take you back, but that doesn't mean you
can ever go home again. I've done this myself with some of
the girls I dated and I've seen others do it just as
frequently, where things deteriorate to the point of no
return, you split up and then come crawling back to each
other for the sheer spite of each other's protection. I
can't trust America right now, she lied to me, or maybe she
told me the truth, but I wanted to see it differently up
until now; either way, I can't trust her again for a while,
and I can't trust myself around her.
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Wednesday March 15, 2 06
94
AND IF YOU WANT TO 35 FR£Z 35 FRZt
Justice is a dirty word. Someone compared my apartment to
a prison today, it's the nicest place I've ever lived,
somewhere out there is a world beyond my ken, but I don't
mind it so much. What do you need to be happy? I've never
needed anything but the world around me, not matter how
bleak it looked, and sure I may be a long term pessimist,
but I'm a short term optimist (of course we're all going to
die someday so what does it matter) . Value innovation.
That ' s what the poster hanging up in the office right across
from this computer says and it ' s a giant picture of dolphins
jumping above the calm waves of the bluest sea you've ever
seen. The dolphins don't mind living in the sea, I don't
mind living in my prison.
All my life I gathered possessions and garbage around me,
the only worthwhile thing I ever collected were friends, I
wouldn't lose them for the world; too bad I had to travel
all the way to the other side of the world to realize that.
I've never been good at keeping in touch with people, I'm
terrible at returning phone calls and most of the time I
break plans because I'm too lazy to leave the house. Why
can't we all just live together? A friend on myspace said
they lost their cell phone tonight, and it was the first
time they lived without a phone, but that can't be true,
when they were younger, I'm sure they didn't care about a
phone at all. I have a cell phone now for the first time in
my life and it doesn't work right so I can't call most
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people and no one can call me. I don't mind so much, but I
wish I kept better contact with old friends.
What I can't understand is how people can look around
them and feel sad for anything but people. People are the
only worthwhile commodity, I can always buy another
computer, and even all of my porn is replaceable, but I
could never replace a lost friend.
Some people say that you should live without regrets, but
that's just foolish. I used to think the same thing, but
eventually you have to make some difficult, paradoxical
choices. If you don't die with some regrets you never
challenged yourself. That's too much like living life in a
prison.
One of my favorite stories and movies is "Rita Hayworth
and the Shawshank Redemption, " sure Stephen King may not be
the best writer of all time, but he knows how to tell a
story, and he got me to believe that no matter what, life
really is beautiful; he showed it to me amidst shit, and if
you can find beauty in shit, then it's everywhere.
Everywhere you want to look anyway.
So I don't mind my prison, I'd live in a real prison if
it came down to it, and even if it broke me to the point of
dying, I'd still die with a smile on my cum stained face.
These truths are self-evident; you can't deprive someone of
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, no matter how
hard you try.
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Sex Mahoney for president
Friday March 17, 2006
97
TAKING OUR VARIOUS TURNS AT THE WHEEL TAKING...
...booze, pot, and cigarettes
When did alcohol become THE socially acceptable behavior?
Okay so ancient people couldn't drink water, because it was
more often than not poisoned, but water is pretty clean
today and yet people are still chugging down the sauce
pretty fucking hard. Mercedes, Ray, and I got drunk last
night; I can't really speak for the two of them, but I was
plastered. I ate only a peanut butter sandwich before work
(12 hours before the drinking) and right away when we came
home I had five or six shots of Soju (Korean sweet potato
vokda-ish 22-24% alcohol by volume) in five or six minutes;
we took a break, walked around for a little bit, had a
cigarette .
Cigarettes are another drug that is socially acceptable,
why? I can't imagine, you put a cigarette in your mouth,
take a drag and try to speak at the same time. Impossible,
you can't speak (expelling air out of your lungs, passing it
over your voice box and shaping it with your mouth, tongue,
and teeth) at the same time you INhale a cigarette.
Impossible .
So Mercedes, Ray, and I came back to his apartment and we
started a power hour. Ray had this awesome idea to make a CD
98
full of 60 second song clips to facilitate the power hour,
and it is a genius idea. Of course, starting a power hour is
anything but a genius idea; however, I give the man credit,
because credit is certainly due. The power hour went off
without any problems, Mercedes threw up once or twice, but I
sucked down all of that beer even though my rational brain
said stop more than once along the way.
The same thing I said about cigarettes goes for drinking,
you try speaking and swallowing at the same time.
Impossible .
Marijuana. Sweet, sweet marijuana
I'd fuck my own mother, just for a puff of a joint right
now, and I'm sitting at work. Mom, if you're reading this,
I'm sorry you're getting the raw end of the bargain here,
but I've got a very simple problem, and anyone can solve it
if they want. Just a little bit of ganja. Please.
There's no such thing as a sure fire cure for everybody.
Some people hate marijuana, it makes them paranoid, it makes
them sleepy. I won't force my habit on anyone; I just want a
little bit for myself. I don't like drinking, I don't even
like cigarettes all that much (but in Korea they cost 2.50 a
pack) but I loves me some marijuana. Of course, we'd all be
better off if we didn't use any drugs, but if I had to pick
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one and get rid of all the others, it would be acid;
however, we can't always get what we want, and not everyone
is as insane as I am (or will be if all I do is acid) , but
I'm willing to settle for a little bit of ganja.
Sure, I love to write, but I'm not great at it. When the
mood strikes me, I write a story, and it makes me happy to
have good and bad things happen to people that I invent, but
the earth is still going to spin around its axis and the sun
long after my bones are nothing more than the fossil fuels
of the future. (Which brings to mind an interesting thought,
what if dinosaurs were intelligent and kept massive
graveyards for their dead, like elephants, isn't it
sacrilegious to suck their remains out of the ground,
because if not, as soon as I get back to America, I'm going
on a corpse fucking mission) My dream is to retire to a farm
where I can live on vegetables, write when it pleases me,
and smoke myself stupid until it's time to die. I don't want
children, I don't want money, I don't want a big screen TV
or my honey, I just want some weed, or maybe some seeds, and
if world doesn't like it, I will take my revenge on its
children.
I feel like shit today, because, well, alcohol sucks, and
every time I tell myself I'm not going to drink anymore I
always end up doing it again. So I'm making a deal with
myself, once a quarter. Once every three months I can get
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drunk, you know, to be social; otherwise, I'm not touching
alcohol .
Saturday March 18, 2 06
101
GET Me A TAXI CAB OR AN AEROPLANE
Broken glass on the stairwell this morning and Mercedes
was upset last night. I love Korea, but not for the same
reason I did last week. The nice thing about being a
foreigner in a strange country is that people leave you
alone because you look strange and you don't speak the
language. The shitty thing about being a foreigner in a
strange country is that you may as well be in the middle of
nowhere wherever you go because you look strange and you
don ' t speak the language .
I went to this restaurant last night, and apparently the
only thing they serve is barbequed beef; lacking a suitable
vegetable or fruit alternative for Mercedes, we turned back
home and I had a meal of grape juice and peanut butter; it
was almost like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The
sweet thing is that we have all these peanuts lying around,
so all the peanut butter is super crunchy. Korean peanut
butter tends to separate quickly, the way cheap peanut
butter will, but the good stuff costs five or six dollars a
bottle and there ' s too much Jew in me to do something like
that .
Mercedes, Ray, and I watched Brokeback Mountain last
night, and the more I see Ang Lee movies, the more I hate
them. Brokeback wasn't as sentimental as I thought it would
be, so that helped it some, and Heath Ledger is very
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adorable (I don't like Jake Gyllenhaal, fuck Donnie Darko) ,
but for all that, the movie has nothing to it. What happened
in Brokeback could be summed up in twenty minutes by a
crappy director, five minutes by a good one, so where ' s the
rest of the movie? Maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but that
movie sucked; poor Enis can't love, that's because he ' s a
coward, like the rest of America, you want something, you
take it, that's why the Republicans are in power.
I'm going to publish a novella, based on something
Chaucer wrote a long time ago, called the Legend of Good
Women. It will be published in weekly installments, check it
out if you're interested. The link will come later.
Anyone who reads this, grab some thing you love and let
it know you love it by the end of the day. Don't waste your
time spouting worthless words from the mouth, just grab it
and kiss it.
Sunday March 19, 2 06
103
MAVBE SOMEPLACE BY THE SEA, I'M MOVING ON
Korea is looking better every day. Last night, Mercedes
figured out how to order food and we had pizza delivered in
thirty minutes or less, it had meatballs, ham, and pepperoni
on it, came with radishes, sweet pickles, and 1.5 L of Pepsi
(it's hard to find Pepsi outside of supermarkets here,
everybody is hard for coke) . That might not seem like a big
deal to you, but it's the first time we figured out where we
lived and had someone bring us food. The Korean world is
slowly becoming our Oyster. Sure it's missing all those
things that I've been missing (like tits and pot) but you
can't ask for everything or you're a greedy bastard. I'm
gearing up to start writing an online serial novella, but
it's more like an ode to my two favorite things, tits and
pot .
I love breasts, walking down the street in America may
not be the safest activity (Korea is much kinder to its
pedestrians, they have sidewalks, but the sidewalks are
slanted) but the eye candy is to die for. Mercedes is the
only decent pair of breasts in this country, and I'm not
complaining so much as pining. I miss all the tittles. You
men in America, as you smoke your bongs, if you're lucky
enough to be near a pair of nice breasts, give them a tender
kiss and tell them Sex Mahoney sent you.
Monday March 20, 2 06
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105
1&96
When the Irish came, the burned out Edmund Spenser, and
possibly the remainder of the Faerie Queene; it's hard to
determine, he died later that same year. If I wrote a ten
thousand plus line epic poem and the Irish destroyed it, I'd
probably die too.
This is an elegy for all those works, those books that
never made it to the modern day; the lost texts of
antiquity. For every one book that survived, there were ten
that never made it, maybe they weren't any good, either way,
here's to you little books. Good rest for your souls, may
everything I write, one day fill your ranks.
Tuesday March 21, 2006
106
I'M ON A RAMPAGE AND I DON'T WANT TO STOP AT ALL
Like a racing car, passing by like lady Godiva . Myspace
thinks I posted four blogs today, but that's not true,
because Myspace thinks today is yesterday and what's up with
that when yesterday is clearly today here in Korea, and
tonight when you go to sleep I ' 11 already be halfway through
tomorrow. Out here, time is space, not that other way
around. I'm wandering through the wood and looking for the
grail. San Greal, or possibly Sang real (check your
sources) . I don't have any other entertainment in Korea so
I've been reading about all the things that turned me on as
a kid. Mysteries of the past. Lost legends, kingdoms that
never existed or disappeared before we learned how to write
about them.
I posted the first chapter of a book called the legend of
good women; it's a novella full of short stories about women
at various stages in their lives. I'm trying to stay one
week ahead of the reader, but I'm lazy here, even without
the pot, I can't motivate myself too often, or I feel burned
out. What do you want me to do about it? I feel like I'm in
the zone, so I just keep typing when I should have stopped a
long time ago, but it's only when I write that I feel like I
can talk all I want. In real life, I try to stop myself
before I say something stupid, but every time I open my
mouth, I can't help myself. Maybe I should have studied
harder in school .
107
I had a dream last night where I kept trying to fuck a
pornstar, but she was upset and wanted me to stop; telling
me she was too dry. I don't know why, but I didn't want to
stop and get lube; I was in the zone. Now I can't stop
writing and I have nothing important at all to say. Maybe
it's because I haven't been masturbating since I got here, I
have to do something with my hands, and I suppose this is
cleaner, but a hell of a lot less fun.
To all you celibate people out there, what the hell is
wrong with you? Touch yourself once in a while, you'll feel
a lot better, trust me. Hot dogs for breakfast, beans for
lunch.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday March 21, 2006
108
CY Y0UH6 HAD THE MOST LOSES OF ANV PITCHER
Giving up is hard to do, I don't mean that soft pansy-
type of quitting, but I mean the hard stuff, letting go of
your mortal coil and shufflin' off the buffalo. The first
thing you should ask yourself, before you commit suicide,
is: "Why didn't I do this sooner?"
Honestly, if you're thinking about killing yourself, why
didn't you do it the day before, or the day before that,
what is it about today that makes it so special that you
want to die? Maybe it's a significant date, like the same
day another relative died (possibly by their own hand) . At
any rate, if the day is significant, it is imbued with
meaning by you, the person who chose the date, once you die
it is no longer significant, and if you're lucky people
forget you existed; if you're unlucky, they discuss the
tragic implications of your death in college English
classes, and thirteen year old girls wear t shirts bearing
your picture until the next teen heart-throb blows their
head off or stabs themselves through the heart (the way a
real man should go) .
I often think about death, and it scares the shit out of
me; I don't have the balls for it. Some people think that
suicide is a coward's way out, but these are the same people
who tell you to take it like a man, and face the music when
the piper pipes. Dying is a process as natural as fucking,
109
and as much as I like fucking, there's nothing about dying
that makes me want to try it... and I'll try anything once,
but that was long ago, and this isn't summer camp anymore.
Still, dying turns me on.
Even as a child, I read stories about serial killers and
mass murderers because I like to read, and let's face it,
the babysitter's club is good whacking material, but it's
only interesting while the cum is still warm in your hands.
Some people even call orgasms, little deaths, so I suppose
the two might have more to do with one another than I
previously thought, but all the people who compare orgasms
with death are still living, and they have, most likely,
never died. For my death fixation, many of my peers looked,
and continue to look, at me as if I were strange, but I
never looked a vacant piece of pasture land and thought :
"Boy, we should bury dead people and build monuments to them
here . "
Death and taxes are the only two things guaranteed in
life, but that's grimmer than even my worst nightmares (in
which everyone looks the same and they all want sun chips) .
I have yet to decide what to do about any of this, but as
long as there is fresh porn in the world, I can't think of
any reason I'd want to die; so, don't look at me like I'm
weird, or I'll skull fuck your children and piss in the
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decomposing remains of your long dead relatives... the good
news is, the sun chips will be free.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday March 22, 2 06
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WHEN I CONSIDER HOW MY LIGHT IS SPENT
If you write from personal experience, expect your output
to suffer according to the limitations of your environment.
I didn't say that, Dan Bern said it, and he said it much
better and shorter and with more feeling. I'm working on the
last two months of my shepherd's calendar, I started a
novella, and I'm working on the next novel; I should feel
more productive, but it always seems like time is slipping
away from me faster than I can catch it .
Everyone gets one moment, a time when they're on top of
the world, and nothing, not time, or slander, or failure
will ever stop them; the only problem is that in order to
understand and comprehend that feeling you have to
experience a corollary moment of utter despair, when it
seems like nothing will ever be good again. I've heard
people describe the first time they saw their children in
such terms, maybe there is nothing better you can do...
propagation of the species and all.
Jerry Seinfeld talks about listening to Robert Kline as a
comedian who made comedy seem accessible, like it was
something anyone can do, and I remember listening to a folk
singer or a musician (maybe it was Henry Rollins, but I
don't think so) who said the same thing about developing
their own material (maybe it was Dan Bern, who knows) .
There ' s always someone out there to hold your own work
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against and wonder if you'll ever be as good. Milton wrote
this poem when he was a young boy about standing in the
shadow of Shakespeare, four hundred years later the words
have a peculiar quality, if you were born before Shakespeare
died, I can't imagine what it felt like. Tolstoy and
Dostoevsky wrote their classics "War and Peace" and "Crime
and Punishment" (respectively) at the same exact time, some
of their books were literary responses to the other, I'm
sure there were people just as blind as me, who spurned
their books and said "I don't read any of that fancy new
literature, just the classics." It makes me sad for all the
contemporaries I'm missing.
The original Shepherd's Calendar ends with Colin Clout
saying goodbye to everything and seeking his fortune in the
city, but it is tied in with the larger idea of death at the
end of the year. I wrote yesterday that no one knows what
death is like, but anyone who has felt that experience of
being on top, and has the wisdom to realize that the
feelings that generated that experience are over, knows
exactly what death is like. Maybe we only mourn for
ourselves .
I don't believe in much, but I'll say it again. The
secret of happiness is at least one good meal, one good
spank, and someone to cuddle every day. To ask for anything
more is criminal. I don't care if I'm repeating myself, I'm
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too stuffed full of food to care. It takes the edge off me;
maybe I should go for a walk. It's much harder to whack off
at work. Plus, having children around puts a very dirty
light on masturbation, I haven't done it, and don't know if
I could. It's not clean and dignified like beating off in a
factory after hours.
There are so many things you regret in life, but if you
didn't regret them, you wouldn't be the person you are
today. So much depends upon a single blade of grass. Suck on
that.
Thursday March 23, 2 06
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I'M OFF THE WAGON AND I'M HITCHING A RIDE
I walked home from school last night, and I walked back
this morning freeing myself from the last vestiges of that
awful feeling plaguing me, that I was alone in the far east,
at the mercy of the people who brought me here; however, I
must have eaten something bad for lunch because my stomach
feels like someone has their hand up my ass, twisting my
bowels in knots. If only good feelings came without
punishment of some kind. I suppose I'm resigned to accept
the good with the bad.
Mercedes and I went to lunch with one of the other
teachers from the school, I had o j ingo (squid) and she had
tofu soup. Afterwards, we went back to the teacher's house,
had a fun time drinking tea and talking about the
differences between white and Asian people, and she sent us
home with some foul tasting Kimchi, it was homemade.
Out here, the phone doesn't ring, music plays until
someone picks up, as if everyone were their own private
corporation; I'm waiting for a voice to come on the line and
say (in Korean) : "Thank you for holding, your call is very
important to us, please stay on the line and you will be
assisted by the first available monkey."
I saw the first Korean bug today, it looked like a
lightning bug, but it didn't light up; I wanted to examine
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it further, but it was hard to distinguish individual parts
when it was crushed in a tissue and flushed down the toilet
I've re-evaluated my life, that's how I want to die.
Saturday March 25, 2 06
116
I TRIED TO U(\\/e. YOU
My vision of a perfect world, by Stacy Turner, age 16
In Korea, it is required for Police Officers to possess
bachelor's degrees, stay physically fit for the length of
their service, and learn basic martial arts.
What kind of crazy person makes it a rule that police
officers should be educated? That takes away a good job from
someone just because they can't pass a few stupid tests, and
don't know how to read good.
Police should have guns, otherwise, black people will
start to get violent, and then who knows what could happen.
Everyone knows that policemen do not use their guns unless
threatened, and what's more threatening than black people?
Why should Policemen stay physically fit? Does a fry cook
have to look healthy? Or the mayor? Just because someone is
overweight, and can't run good, doesn't mean they should be
fired. That's discrimination, and everyone knows that
discrimination is wrong.
I think that Korea should relax it ' s restrictions on its
police officers, because it is wrong. San Demis High School
Football rules.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday March 25, 2 06
118
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SAV IT AGAIN
Watched most of Jarhead and Will and Grace with Mercedes
and Ray last night. If there was ever a reason to hate
America, Will and Grace provides ample ammunition for all
the holy soldiers of Islam for a thousand years. I cracked a
smile once, and Mercedes told me about a funny line that I
missed, but damn is it a bad show. I think it's still on the
air, which troubles me more than Bush being in office; I
just checked; they're in their 8th season, what the fuck? To
be fair, I never watched an episode of Will and Grace before
last night, I mean, I'm prejudiced against pop culture in
most of its forms, but I was shocked to see how banal TV can
get; then again, they're on TV, I'm not; although, after
watching an episode, I can't figure out why. Take every
stereotype of a gay man you've ever seen and that's the
show, in a nut sack. Spike Lee was right, if you pitched an
old fashioned Minstrel Show to TV execs, they'd go nuts.
Jarhead, on the other had, was Full Metal Jacket without
all of Stanley Kubrick's exciting action. After an hour or
so, which felt like seven, Mercedes and I copped out and
went to bed. There was one good line though. Chris Cooper is
showing pictures of children burned by Saddam Hussein's
chemical weapons and drumming up the troops and then he
gives them their assignment: "Protect these oil fields."
Ahh, democracy. What can you say about a country whose best
leader in the last five centuries was a genocidal dictator.
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Sure Saddam killed his own people, but the live ones had
water to drink and TV to watch, how many Americans die every-
day?
As I walk down the street in Korea, people look at me
like my head was made of cheese and I whistle the Flight of
the Bumblebee out of my ass with every step I take. The
other day, they played The Final Countdown in a department
store. I love this country, but I miss America. Keep her
safe until I get back, and if you get a chance, put a bullet
in the head of that idiot Bush. It won't kill him, but it
just might make him smarter.
Sex Mahoney for President, 2008.
Campaign Slogan: Could you do any worse?
Saturday March 25, 2 06
120
WON'T YOU LZT M6- 555 YOUR NAKED BODY
Everyone has their own vision of heaven, and everyone has
their own vision of cool; I don't give a rat's ass what
people see as their ideal, I want to know their worst fears.
The sad part is that, like even the most frightening
vampire, when exposed to the light of day, they shrivel up
and die, so that no one can ever know what scares another
human being. In my perfect world everyone is a little devil,
just waiting for a chance to rip off their clothes and throw
down for some hot, dirty fun; however, I'm afraid, that
everyone is much more conservative than I imagine.
What fun is it to behave? To stand in line with
everyone else? Does anyone get joy from doing the same thing
a million and a half other people do? Who out there watched
Cheaper by the Dozen and thought it was a good movie? Is it
even important?
There's a great movie from the thirties called "The
Crowd" and at the beginning of the movie, this little boy
hears his mother saying that her son will someday be
president of the United States. Cut to the same boy at the
end of the movie, thirty years later, one of his children is
dead, he's just been fired from his shitty job, he's got a
bunch of other snot nose brats, and his wife is busted from
all the kids she's been pumping out. This lovable loser is
sitting in a movie theater with a sad face, and, as the
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camera pans out, he starts laughing with the rest of the
braying masses. That scares the shit out of me.
What worries me most is that I won't know when I've gone
insane, or that I will know, but will be powerless to stop
it. Either way, I suppose I'll just start laughing. I laugh
a lot as it is.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Sunday March 26, 2 06
122
YOU CAN FIND M6. IN THE CLUB
Last night, after I got out of work, two of the employees
from the school would not let me walk out of here; they
insisted that I come with them to the house of another
teacher, Julie, who was having a birthday party. I arrived
at Julie's house around 10:15 and there were cold snacks
(fries, chicken, and squid) as well as tons of Soju (think
vodka, but only 4 proof) . Mercedes and Ray were already at
the apartment with another of the teachers from the school,
Kayla, and they had just finished a power hour; the Koreans
were impressed with the power hour, apparently, that is a
uniquely western custom. After two hours of drinking someone
suggested we go to a night club, I tried to get Mercedes to
bail with me, but by that point I was too drunk to do
anything but follow my eastern hosts into the back of a very
crowded taxi .
The Korean nightclub was on the second floor of what
looked like a warehouse. We waited in line for maybe ten or
fifteen minutes, until one of the Korean bouncers (think
short stocky Italian, now make him Korean) ushered us into
the club.
On stage, a boy band, dressed in white leather pants and
vests, with their hairless chests exposed, held instruments
and pretended to play; I'm not sure if they were lip
synching, I couldn't understand what they were singing and
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it was all in Korean. There were tables covering 75% of the
floor where we were served a plate of dried snacks (chips,
sesame cakes, and something that looked like a cheeto, but
was very spicy) and a plate of fresh fruit (watermelon,
grapes, apples, pears) . Mercedes and I had a fun time
dancing, and, after the boy band left the stage, a hot
little Korean girl trio came out and slowly disrobed and
rubbed against each other (they may have little tits, but
damn are they hot, still, not as hot as Mercedes, she looks
like a woman, they have the appeal of a ten year old boy,
but they all smell like flowers or fruit) .
The other westerner, Ray, was loaded last night, when we
got to the club he couldn't stand up straight, and the
bouncers kept asking if he was okay (I think, it was in
Korean, so I don't know) . At the club, he kept taking off
his shirt, and on the way home he bit Mercedes through her
coat. We dropped Ray off at his room, and ten minutes later,
while Mercedes was undressing and I was taking a shit, Ray
came into the room asking after another westerner we met who
lived on our floor. When he left, I remembered to lock the
door, and then I passed out.
Koreans know how to party. The best part is that everyone
at the club danced like a retarded white person, even I
looked cool by comparison and I'm so uncoordinated I can
barely walk in a straight line. Good lord do I miss
124
marijuana. If I had an eighth and a bong I could have talked
them out of doing everything we did last night . No wonder
people go insane. This whole country needs a weed enema.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Campaign Slogan: A chicken in every pot, and a joint in
every mouth.
America, Fuck yeah.
Sunday march 26, 2 06
125
HOW DO YOU KEEP THEM IN VLADIVOSTOK
Two articles in the newspaper this morning.
The first: thousands protest the expansion of a wall
between the US and Mexican border, which will now cover 1/3
of the imaginary line between our countries.
The second: nude scenes on the rise as more actresses
choose to take off their clothes on screen.
You may ask yourself: "How are these articles related?"
or "How did I get here?" And the answer to both of those
questions is Tang, because if anyone knows how to get some
tang around here, it's you. You have the power in your
hands, right now, to put it all away, to ignore the third
base couch and run for home. What I mean to say is this: "No
more sweet potato salad, and keep your damn hands off her."
Some actresses said they love taking their clothes off on
screen, some said they never would because it cheapens their
profession; both of these people are clearly idiots. You
validate them by paying ridiculous sums of money for their
increasingly crappy movies, stop going to the movies, stop
buying the DVD's, download them like a normal person, and
maybe they'll make movies worth watching. If you look at
world population density maps, you can see large clusters of
civilizations springing up around natural water sources, if
126
you look at world monetary density maps you can see large
clusters of ass fuckers springing up around semi profitable
businesses. Actresses have no right to take off or not take
off their clothes, they have their jobs because people want
to see them, if people want to see them naked, then they
should take off their clothes, because they're not much
better than talking mannequins .
There is no wall between the United States and Canada,
none, and that border is much longer and much harder to
defend than the Mexican border, but Canadians are decent,
god fearing white people, and we have no reason to worry
about the security lapses, so says Senate Majority Leader
Bill Frist (who told us all last year that we can get AIDS
from tears) , occurring to the north; on the other hand, you
can't trust brown people, and brown people come from Mexico.
You have an obligation to remember, that no matter what
reasons they give, white people can't be trusted, if you're
white and reading this, don't trust yourself, question all
your actions, and kill whitey.
Sex Mahoney for President. I love you all.
Monday March 27, 2 06
127
We HAD A TIME OH WHAT A TIME W£ HAD A TIME
Pointless nostalgia
I've been catching up on everyone's blogs, even the
off site ones, if you write something I want to read it,
because there's somebody out there reading me. I'm sure it's
just the police and whatever other government agencies
monitor the ravings of madmen, I'd like to return the favor
to them, but every time I try to thank them, the voice
breathing on the other end of my phone stops and then I hear
some clicks and whirs. If I call you on the telephone we're
talking to the eff -bee-eye.
I've never felt like I missed anyone more than I do right
now, sure Mercedes is here, but what good is she? I tried
teaching her how to spin plates and juggle poodles, but she
wasn't any good at it; it's a good thing she likes me and
puts up with my idiocy otherwise we'd have nothing in common
except that I think she ' s the hottest thing under the sun
and that's just because she's not the center of the
universe. Not yours anyway.
Korean men love Mercedes, but they hate me, just like
American men... I think. I can't really tell if it's the
long hair or the androgyny or just that I'm a foreign devil
sent to poison their culture with my Big Mac's and loose
128
morals; some people just eye me suspiciously, the rest of
them cross to the other side of the street.
People in Korea talk about black people as if they were
hellspawn sent to suck the souls and wallets of decent semi-
white folks everywhere. I don't know why, I've seen two
black people since I arrived here, both of them whiter than
I. One of them was an 18 year old kid who had joined the
army and got lucky enough to come to South Korea instead of
Iraq. I asked him how he dodged that bullet; he said he just
got lucky. We didn't talk much, but I told him to be safe,
just in case. Western Culture is a disease, I wonder why
they let us live. The greatest threats facing the world
today are McDonald's and George Bush; guess which one leaves
a bigger mess in your toilet bowl.
Mercedes found something neat in a Korean Outback
Steakhouse, a toilet with heated seats, I wonder if that
helps move the mail.
People don't give Sigmund Freud enough credit, I guess
that comes with telling everyone that they want to screw
their mother, what do you want, his mother was hot... well,
not that hot, but definitely easy. If you had a son that
could prescribe pharmaceutical cocaine, you'd do the same
thing .
129
The last thing I want to be is judgmental, but I'm too
much of a jerk for that. I need to change. Jesus wouldn't do
that; I need to be more like Jesus. Who wants to follow me
around the desert and screw prostitutes?
I'm sure Jesus had bad days, remember Lazarus, what about
all those times that didn't work, and JC had to rig up a
corpse pantomime show. You ever see a three day old dead
body dance the Charleston? Let ' s all shuffle off to
Nazareth. Here's to heresy and jealousy. Salud.
Sex Mahoney for President
Campaign slogan: Not quite as big as the Beatles, but 3/4
of an inch bigger than Jesus.
Tuesday March 28, 2006
130
TAKE We BEST IDEA YOU GOT
Pizza tonight, stuffed crust with some kind of topping,
and cream supaghetti (Korean for Spaghetti) . The chicken
that comes with the pizza is all dark meat, it is very
greasy and the last time I ate it, my stomach felt like it
was collapsing on itself. Food in Korea is awesome, if you
eat actual meals, the fast food here is much worse than
America, they use Chinese meat. You can't trust those dirty
Chinese, they eat cats. The Koreans eat dog, there's nothing
wrong with eating dogs, and they don't deserve to live, but
cats? Come on, they're filthy.
If you could eat one type of species that is currently
prohibited by law, what would you eat?
I would eat Dodo; the whole, extinct thing really does it
for me .
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday March 30, 2 06
131
KISSING TODAY, COMPONENTS THAT SHAKE UP A GLOW JAV
Current mood: ©recumbent
If, on your deathbed, the worst thing you have to say
about yourself is that you never accomplished anything, then
you probably did more than you realized but some other
fucker got all the credit. Go chase that person down and
teach them a lesson. They have no right intruding on your
business. I know, you may be dying, but what kind of a pussy
are you. I suppose if you're on your deathbed and some
wanker is taking credit for everything you've ever done,
then you're a giant fucking pussy, but that beside the
point .
I wanted to talk about diamonds. At one point in time,
someone picked up a diamond and said, this shit is worth
something, probably not, more likely, someone picked up a
diamond and said, I've got a million of these things lying
all over my farm, what the fuck am I going to do with all
these useless diamonds. That's the precise moment
advertising was born.
Actually, advertisers probably didn't have to try very
hard to sell people on diamonds, people love shiny things
better than things that make noise, and since it was much
harder to add sound effects in the past, people probably
132
wanted plenty of shiny things. Now you can add sound effects
to anything (my air conditioner plays a lovely little song
when you turn it on or off) , but that still takes us away
from diamonds .
What good is a diamond for anything? Maybe if I spent my
days cutting rocks, or leaving messages etched into people's
windshields, I might have a use for diamonds; however,
ordinary, sane human beings, spend most of their time
sitting on their asses, picking pieces of dead skin and
collected garbage from the crevices in their bodies and
masturbating furiously (the happy ones anyway) . I suppose
having a shiny thing to admire while you're sitting, scrape
lint out of your belly button, and rub against your naughty
bits, makes all of those activities a lot more fun, but not
for two, or more, thousands of dollars.
The next time you think of buying a diamond (maybe you're
about to be engaged) or you want someone to buy you a
diamond, ask yourself what you could do with that money that
would be endlessly more entertaining. I'm sure that for two
grand, or more, you could find a hell of a lot of midgets to
do acrobatics, and don't tell me a diamond lasts longer. On
my deathbed, I won't care what happens to my diamonds, but
I'll still be thinking of those acrobatic midgets.
Fuck Colonel Sanders and his little chicken too.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday March 30, 2 06
134
I TURN TO STON^ WHEN YOU ARE GONE
I've never been to prison, but I hear that it's no walk
in the park; I have been to school, and it definitely sucks,
but I can't figure out which is worse.
The other day in a debate class, I was talking to my
students about the legality "Megan's Law," most of them
agreed that sex offenders deserve harsher punishment, but
none of them assented that to do so sends that message the
prison doesn't do shit; which begs the question: "If prison
doesn't work, and we need to keep track of criminals long
after they're freed (for the rest of their lives), then why
send people to prison in the first place?"
Seriously.
Why do we bother putting people in jail? So the wicked
can't hurt us again? A good friend of mine once said that
most crimes are crimes of opportunity, if that applies to
child molesters, then I suppose all it would take is a
little parental diligence and the whole thing would wash
away as quick as you please. Parents are partly responsible
for the rapes their children suffer, and that any rapist who
is put on watch for violating "Megan's Law" ought to go on
the list and report themselves as a pedophile as well. Child
raping isn't even that bad when you think about it, sure the
children are scared for life, but most of the time they get
135
to live; aren't murderers much more dangerous to let walking
around in society? Shouldn't we brand them and force them to
tell people in their neighborhood that they're murderers?
Prisons are not designed for the people inside their
walls, they're to justify the self righteousness of the
people on the outside; at least they haven't been to prison,
that doesn't mean they haven't been anally raped. At school,
they don't anally rape you, but they do make you go for
thirteen years, that's longer than most rapists spend in
prison, some murderers too. At least in school you get the
weekends off, but in prison they teach you valuable skills,
like how to stamp license plates and rape someone without
making any noise. All I learned in school was that the
policemen are your best friend, unless you piss them off,
the government is always right, unless its run by Arabs,
Jews, or blacks, sit down, shut up, do what you're told, and
don't tell anyone... it's our little secret.
So maybe I rambled a little more than I wanted to, what
do you want, I've never been to prison.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday March 30, 2 06
136
DISASTER STRIKES IN KOREA AND IT'S NOT A GIANT, FIRE-BREATHING
MONSTER
Last night I got food poisoning.
It's about to get personal, so don't read on if you want
to respect me:
I get into bed, feel slightly sick, try to fart and end
up shitting myself. I spend the next eight hours vomiting
and shitting. I can't keep down any liquids. The next
morning I go to the hospital they give me four pills to
take, plus some kind of weird goo (remember the pink bubble
gum chalk tasting medicine from your childhood, that shit) .
I have not vomited in eight hours, I still have bad shits.
Mercedes is covering my classes tonight, I can't write
much longer. It felt good to get out for a little while, but
I'm starting to feel sick again.
I am tempted to become a vegetarian, not too much food
poisoning among those folks. Too bad everything in Korea
contains meat (even the vegetarian selections contain ham,
they don't consider that meat) . This is the first time I've
thrown up, without the help of alcohol, in four years.
If you have a vomit streak, let me know what it is, maybe
we can race .
137
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday April 1, 2006
138
FILING MUCH BeTTER
Somewhat of a lie, but it's partially true so that makes
it less of a lie than a real lie. It's been over twelve
hours since I last expelled semi-digested matter in a
violent way. Thank you all for your concern. One piece of
advice :
If you're ever in Korea don't eat the meat pancakes, no
matter what you do.
I've had food poisoning before, on several non-
consecutive occasions and this was the worst of the bunch,
by far. Usually it's puke a little bit, shit a little bit
and that's the end of it, but I'm getting older, I can't put
up a fight like I used to. I spent almost twenty four hours
feeling like crap. It doesn't help when you're trying to
read Stephen Crane's "The Open Boat." Worst Short Story
Ever .
I love you all.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Saturday April 1, 2 06
dURY Md- IN SOME \J(\LUY
Current mood: ©crazy
139
Sometimes regret gets so mixed up that I wonder what
little Sex would think looking ahead at older Sex. Do you
remember your desires as a child? Is there a moment to which
you can point that defined your life? Are you a sell out?
It takes me so long to get moving in the morning that I
think my body is sometimes sending signals to my brain,
telling me to get the hell out of Korea and go back to
America, but I sure as hell didn't make anything of myself
there, and I think I'm doing okay here; at least in Korea I
don't owe too much money and I live in a semi -decent
apartment. Is that success?
I can't think of anything that defines success more than
the people we love and the ones who love us in return,
actually, the ones we love are far more important that who
loves us back. Anyone can convince someone to love them;
it ' s a lot harder to give a part of yourself to another
human being.
I have trouble loving, it takes me a long time to fall in
love with someone; you shouldn't just hand out love like
it's getting cold or going out of style, love is earned. Why
is it that I can convince people to fall in love with me,
but I can't convince anyone to give me a job in my home
country? Fuck you, Joseph Campbell.
140
How can we measure success, ask yourself if you're
successful, do you want more? That seems to be the problem,
everyone always wanting more, and not settling for what they
have, but settling is so depressing that no one wants to
admit they're doing it until they look back on the wasted
years of their life. There's nothing wrong with settling,
it's what ordinary, sane, rational people do every day, they
settle for less than what they're worth; the only ones who
strive for more are the ones who are too dumb to realize
they don't deserve it. The smart ones realize that they're
settling and it makes them angry as hell. Maybe that's why I
used to be angry all the time. What did I want? Would young
Sex like the pussy I've become? I suppose it doesn't matter
because I could kick young Sex's ass.
You choose to be happy just as easily as you choose to be
angry. If you give up choosing, if you let your world
dictate your feelings, then you're no better than a wave on
the ocean and you'll crash on some beach and vanish back
into oblivion before anyone notices your force. I'm sitting
at a computer terminal, thousands of miles away from my
country of origin, missing the hell out of my friends and
sick to my stomach with poisoned meat and I may never get
published or have one of my movies made, but I'll keep
writing books and making movies until someone takes away my
141
keyboard or camera and puts a bullet in my head because, in
my own mind, I've already had sex with your girlfriend.
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday April 1, 2006
142
ALL'S QUIET ON THE EASTERN FRONT
Current mood: ©frustrated
Korea is the worst country in which to feel queasy, there
are restaurants everywhere and the smell of food is
unavoidable. On the plus side, I am feeling 78% better and
everything is going well again; however, we're completely
bored. Mercedes and I agreed that the most exciting time
we've had since arriving has been in our dreams, so send us
naked pictures, tell us how things are going in America,
come on people, we're dying out here.
If you have a blog, I subscribe to it, even if you just
have one entry, I read them; hell, yesterday, I was so bored
I started reading myspace ' s most popular blogs, and boy do
most of them suck. One was about a girl who got fucked in
the ass for the first time the other night, and then shit
herself the next day, that was the highlight. I love other
people; they make my life seem fun by comparison.
I'm so hard up for porn that I have nothing but dreams of
the most debaucherous sex, or had, now I'm having dreams of
completely normal sex and I think they're so hot, just
because I haven't seen a little white girl getting pounded
by a big black man, or six, in weeks. I'm missing it; this
is the longest I've gone without porn since I was six years
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old. Even after my parents found my childhood stashes I
was able to supplant them with scrambled spice or playboy
channel filler. Here in Korea, there's nothing, what gives.
I was thinking today. . . given the advanced state
of flavor technology, why don't we have more things like
strawberry flavored hamburgers, the best we get is human
flavored tofu? Come on!
And where are all the little white girls getting pounded
by big black men, is that too much to ask?
Sex Mahoney for Fluffer
Sunday April 2, 2 06
144
MY FAVORITE THINGS
Current mood: ©energetic
Here's to depravity, cupcakes, and cavities, also to moo
goo the gai pan variety, so all of you chicks take all of
the dicks that your inbred hick mothers stopped sucking for
making them sick in the tits.
Give me some porno and some marijuana, let me smoke
myself stupid and masturbate until the cows come home.
Bored as hell, let's withdraw in our tortoise shells.
Sunday April 2, 2 06
145
FOR UNDERNEATH YOUR BORDERS THE DEI/ll DRAWS NO LINES
I've been trying to stay away from overtly political
commentary, other that a few biting remarks here and there,
but I saw something in the newspaper this morning that made
me think. Iran has developed a new torpedo that current
maritime war vessels cannot outrun; not to mention that the
navy, to save money, mans most of their supply ships with
non military personnel which do not carry live ammunition.
I want to say this now, before the congressional
investigations and backbiting, and I should have said this
before, but I'm saying it now, because I knew on the day
Bush was elected that we'd end up fighting a war, and I knew
on September 11th that we'd end up in Iraq, and I knew that
before we went into Iraq that there were no weapons of mass
destruction, but I didn't say shit because who am I to say
shit. So I want to say this now and get it on record.
Iran developed this technology with the help of the
United States or Russia, one or the other, or possibly both.
It's what his father and that venerable idiot Regan did, and
they're doing it again. I may be wrong, but I just wanted to
say it first, just in case it came true. Here's to the state
of George Bush. God Bless America.
Sex Mahoney for President.
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Monday April 3, 2 06
147
WHO HttDS WHO?
Current mood: ©nauseated
Let's get this straight right the fuck now, your boss
needs you, you don't need him. So she/he's got money, fuck
them, in monopoly, the banker got to keep all the money too,
but that didn't stop the righteous from flipping over the
board and shoving little green houses down said banker's
throat until they shit out little silver thimbles.
For what are you working? Look around your apartment
(chances are good that if you're reading this you don't own
the place in which you live) and ask yourself if a plasma
screen TV and the latest installment of Harry Potter is
worth giving someone the power to tell you what to wear, how
to wear it, and whether or not you can say fuck you to a
client .
The free market makes us no more free than serfs, and at
least the serfs could smoke all the weed they wanted, it may
not seem peachy keen to reap wheat in a field all day, but
if your idea of improved quality of living is slowly rotting
to death in a Barca Lounger then maybe your priorities need
a little adjusting.
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What the hell do I know? All I know is that when I come
back to America I will have money, and I don't know what the
fuck to do with it .
The next time a police officer asks for your license and
registration hand them a get out of jail free card still wet
and sticky with your semi-dried semen.
Sex Mahoney for President!
Tuesday April 4, 2006
149
A HANDSHAKE, THEN A WHISPER, AND A GLACE
I've been reading the most popular blogs on myspace, and
having nothing but sex dreams .
Most of the most popular blogs on myspace are terrible,
some are entertaining, but they all kill time, that's the
important part of the equation. I need something that wastes
a lot of time. I've already read every blog written by my
friends, and I've already looked through your profiles. Give
me something people. Entertain me. Dance for Sex.
The dreams are disturbing; all of my friends and
acquaintances are popping in the strangest of places. I miss
porno.
I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself...
repeating myself.
Wednesday April 5, 2006
150
I CAN'T THINK OF MUCH TO WRITE AND I ONLY HAVE FOUR. MINUTES UNTIL
CLASS
Tom Waits is awesome.
I'm sure I've said this before but anyone with money
becomes a giant magnet for leeches looking to make a quick
buck, the hard part is staying a human being and not turning
into a leech yourself.
I can't think of anything to write.
Anyone who wants to be in charge should be set on fire so
they'll at least do something useful as the center of
attention.
The law is an elaborate hoax designed to stop people from
shitting on each other.
Anyone who writes short sentences and passes them off as
maxims is a pompous asshole and you are free to disregard
everything they say as puerile drivel.
Sex Mahoney for President. Here's to your mother.
Wednesday April 5, 2 06
151
HOW DO YOU KeeP TH£M IN ATMOIVINSK
I keep posting surveys on myspace and reading blogs
written by people I don't know, instead I should be writing
something constructive, but I'm all out of energy. I decided
that I will begin writing constructive and entertaining
things today.
Wouldn't you agree that it's been too long?
Tom DeLay is resigning from congress, the deputy director
of the TSA is in jail for soliciting sex from a minor, and
George W. Bush is sitting in the White House, probably
sleeping now, snug as a bug in a rug.
DeLay is an asshole and his protestations to the contrary
have been a farce for months; still, I would like for him to
receive fair treatment and serve a jail sentence befitting
his crimes. Unfortunately, as a politician, his crimes
affect a larger number of people; if I murder a hobo on the
street, I only hurt one person (to be ultra-liberal, I'll
say a hundred if the hobo had hobo friends or a hobo
family), but as a politician, their actions affect hundreds,
if not thousands, of people. Shouldn't politician's
misdemeanors be treated as felonies? I jest, but there's a
good idea lurking in there somewhere .
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The deputy director of the TSA, on the other hand, didn't
do anything wrong. He talked to an undercover police officer
online, sent no pornographic pictures of himself (and
received none from the officer) , and never met the alleged
14 year old girl; he did tell the officer to think about him
while the officer did sexual things with someone else, or
herself, and had a dirty conversation with the officer on
one or more occasions. The deputy director of the TSA did
nothing wrong; Tom Delay is walking around as a free man,
and this poor deputy director is in jail awaiting
extradition to Florida for a felony trial.
Which leads me to George W. Bush.
Let's bring back that hobo, the one I killed. Under most
state's laws I would serve a maximum of ten years in jail
for killing said hobo, most likely, I would be out of jail
in two to three years if I behaved myself. If I killed
George W. Bush I would never get out of jail. John Hinkley
shot Reagan, didn't kill, but shot that stupid, ass raping,
cock sucking, god fearing, faux senile but really the devil
in disguise son of a bitch, and they debated letting him out
of prison for a vacation to see his parents. Two years for a
hobo, Lifetime for bush. At least Tom DeLay was charged with
a crime, the president sends children out to die every day
and he walks around a free man.
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I don't know what I'm saying.
Sex Mahoney for anti-President
Wednesday April 5, 2006
154
SOMETHING MESSED UP WITH HIS WING
I can't get away from it, no matter where I turn.
Pathetic fallacy is a literary device whereby the external
world changes to match the dramatic action or the internal
world of a character, and the Germans thought they were so
original with their expressionism. I've got this problem
that isn't much of a problem: I'm coming back to America
with money.
I haven't had any money in a really long time, and I
don't know what to do with this new found wealth. Of course,
wealth is a relative term, because I'm coming back with
money, sure, but not enough to do anything meaningful with
it. I could rent an apartment and live comfortably for a
while, but what fun is that? I could go on a drug binge to
end all drug binges and kill myself, but, despite the
government's protests to the contrary, no one has ever died
from ingesting marijuana, no matter how large the amount
ingested. What the fuck am I going to do with the idiotic
money?
I can't go back to school. I thought about that for
awhile, but the first time through was such a fucking waste;
I don't even want to think about grad school. The field I
want to study, I can study on my own, so I'm not going to
pay some institution thirty to forty grand a semester to
teach me what I could get for free .
155
I won't have enough money to buy anything but a unibomber
style electricless house in the middle of nowhere, which has
its certain appeal.
What the fuck do people do with money? Sure, when I was
poor I scoffed at money, but now I have some and I can't
think of a single thing to do with the shit, it really is
fucking useless.
I won't turn this into another rant about drugs
(marijuana) , but what the hell else am I going to do with
this money, but trade it in for something useful (marijuana)
at the first chance I get. I'd rather smoke my profits, even
buying a house is no longer a guarantee at equity, now that
the government can come in and condemn anything it wants and
sell it off for far less than it's worth.
I refuse to convert my wealth into luxury products. I
don't need a new computer, I don't want a car, I don't want
clothes, I don't want jewels, music is free, the books I
want to read are free. The only thing I can think to do is
turn my assets into a giant money pile (made of ones) and
fall asleep on it every night.
Send me your ideas . What do you people do with your
money? I'll pay you to tell me.
156
Sex Mahoney for Treasurer
Thursday April 6, 2 06
157
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA LET YOURSELF MAW
Daylight Savings time has nothing to do with farmers,
like I always thought it did, it's a government plot
designed to optimize the use of electric lights. Farmers
hate daylight savings time because it fucks up their
schedules, animals watch the sun, and they don't care about
your clocks. More people die in traffic accidents on the day
the clocks "spring" ahead.
When was the last time you held the hand of someone of
the same sex because you felt a sense of togetherness?
If you were a classic poet, working on an epic, and you
felt death approaching, would you plow ahead or just give up
and leave an unfinished classic for the ages?
Is there such a thing as oversexed?
How many cartoons do you watch?
If you do a good dead for someone who is passed out,
would you wait around to tell them what you did for them, or
would you keep it a secret for ever?
If you were a Native American in the 17th century and
some white dude offered you some beads for your land, would
you accept them?
158
What would you do with a million dollars if movies,
music, and books were free like they should be?
Thursday April 6, 2 06
159
ei/eRVBODV WANTS TO B£ SOMEBODY GREAT
Current mood: ©geeky
I've been rereading my second novel, "Lower Neva St" and
I usually hate rereading the things I've written, because
you always look on your creations with a certain amount of
disdain, but this isn't bad, in fact, I think it's the best
thing I've ever written and I have to check to make sure I
didn't steal the whole thing from someone else. The grammar
needs cleaning, but I'm not good at organizing my grammar
the first time around. I tend to think of writing as
salvaging those golden corn nuggets from a turd, it takes
time and care, and nobody gets it right the first time;
mostly, I need to wash away a lot of shit.
If I could write something even half as good as Dan Bern
or John Milton, I'd be a crappy hamper.
Mercedes, Ray, and I ate at the department store food
court for lunch this afternoon, the first time, I thought it
was pretty good, the second time (earlier today) , it tasted
like shit. Food courts suck all the world over.
Sometimes, Mercedes and I think our obsession with Dan
Bern is unhealthy, but if he didn't want people to be
obsessed with him, then maybe he shouldn't write so well.
160
When we went to the PC bang the other night, I listened to
Dan Bern, but Mercedes wasn't happy. She only wants to hear
him while we're fucking, then she asked me if I ever
fantasize about anyone else while we're fucking. I said no,
and then she didn ' t say anything .
After I read "War and Peace" I envisioned doing something
similar about America in the days after September 11th, but
Hollywood beat me to the punch. Suzanne posted a blog about
a movie concerning the plane the FBI shot down over
Pennsylvania; she thinks it's too soon, at first I wanted to
disagree (no one ever wants to agree with their ex-
girlfriend right away), but she's right. Have you ever
watched those World War II movies made during and
immediately after the war, I think they're partly
responsible for President Asshole and Vice President Asshole
and the way they act (other than the general personality
defects engendered by great wealth) . Pure Propaganda. Not
that propaganda is a bad thing all the time, you can't tell
people the truth, or they might start thinking for
themselves or some other dangerous shit.
I try to be a nice and understanding person (when I was a
young man I was angry all the time) , but it drives me crazy
sometime. I don't know what to do. Sometimes it seems like
love isn't going to be enough to save us. At least love will
get us laid, you can't say the same thing for politics (not
161
that I haven't been laid for politics either, but that's not
for this propagandists blog) . All I want is a little patch
to call my own, a little smoke to fill my bones, and a
little lass roll my stones from time to time. Can't ask for
too much.
The next time you're at a bar, lift your glass and give a
cheer for Monkey Gang Bang, you may not have to know what it
is, but raise your glass for it anyway.
I can't wait to have a laptop; do you know how long it's
been since I've seen a white girl getting fucked by six
black guys?
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday April 6, 2 06
162
THE GREATEST BAND THAT EVER WAS
Current mood: ^chipper
Journey, that's an easy question to answer, but music
doesn't seem as important now as it used to; maybe when
you're young you're just so starved for quality that
unimportant questions seem so important. Tonight my students
said that they only downloaded music, and they thought that
made them bad people . I told them that art should be free
and they wanted to know how artists are supposed to make
money .
This is a subject I talk about all the time, but it's
something I care about deeply. I suppose you could call me
an artist, I write, sometimes I even make music, but no one
pays me for it and that suits me fine, it leaves me free to
play the things I want to play, to write the things I want
to write, and to be as dirty as I want to be.
The other day I was not sure if love would be enough to
save us, I didn't know if love was enough, but it has to be.
If not for love, then we don't have anything, and we're in a
much worse position that I thought. I may be out of money,
and someday they're going to throw me in jail for something
that shouldn't be a crime, but they can't stop me from
163
loving, they can only move away far enough that I don't get
any on them. This is your brain on ska.
I love every one of you, now lotion up and get ready,
because Sex Mahoney is coming.
You know who for President.
Thursday April 6, 2 06
164
AND IN THE EVENING IF WE GO OUT, LADIES KINDIV REMOVE VOUR HATS
Current mood: ©content
Someone sent me an email today and they asked me where I
got my ideas. Now I know that it wasn't Katie Couric, or
even the local reporter from the Punxatawny Times, but it's
the first time anyone has ever asked me that question, so
from now on, I'm a writer. Thank you, anonymous friend.
Of course I know who the person is, but I wouldn't want
to share that piece of information with any Tom, Dick, and
Harry who came along, that's private, between me and my
friend. Still, I'm so excited I could plotz .
I also found out that I'm a slut today. It's refreshing
to know, I've been with the same woman for the last four and
a half years, and I'm still a slut. I'll never be able to
donate blood, no one wants my organs, and churches get a
little colder when I walk through the doors. Holy water
burns when I pee in it . I'm going to have a custom suit made
here in Korea (they only cost 100 dollars) and I'll have a
giant scarlet S sewn on the left breast of the jacket. You
know you're all jealous, everybody wants to sleep with the
slut, and they just don't want other people to find out.
165
If you were president, what is one thing that you would
do differently? First order of business (after legalizing
marijuana, that goes without saying) would be to rescind all
public decency laws. Anyone can take off anything anywhere
they want. Anyone who has a problem with that will have to
learn to deal with it, I don't mind the obnoxious sight of
your overpriced clothing, automobiles, personal
accoutrements, hair styles, eau du toilet, and other
ricketa-racketa; you must get accustomed to my junk. Don't
worry; it's very small, you won't even notice.
Sex Mahoney for the Board of Chosen Freeholders .
Friday April 7, 2006
166
La ROCH£FOUCAUlT AND I ARE JOINED AT THE HIP
Current mood: ©quixotic
• Masturbating in the morning is the best way to start
a day.
• Beware people who don't seem confused, they are
trying to cheat you.
• If you explaining something to someone and you don't
feel confused, you are probably trying to cheat
them.
• Your mother's birthday is the only Holiday you
should to remember until you get married.
• If you want to get married, remember the little boy
who got everything he ever wanted and the bully who
took half of it.
• Your boss needs you; you don't need your boss.
• If none of the employees come to work, the boss must
finish everything himself.
167
• If something seems like a good deal, it probably
wasn't good enough for someone else.
• People who want to share their religion with you are
rarely the ones who will share their money.
• People who will share their kindness with you are
easy targets for a loan.
• Your creditors have to find you first.
• If you can't make a go of it in your home country,
head to Australia, no one will expect anything of
you there .
• Success is best measured by the number of people who
are angry with you.
• Exercise is for the weak. Diet is for the stupid.
Discovering that you are exactly the weight you
should be and enjoying your obesity is sublime.
• Don't take advice from thin people.
• Politicians get their salary from your pocket; they
will never act in your best interest.
168
Friday April 7, 2006
169
NO NEW BL06 TODAY, EXPERTS EXPECT ONE TOMORROW
Current mood: ©enraged
Busy reading the tenants of Scientology and a report made
by an investigatory journalist, are all religions this
fucked up. Ha! Catholics makes Scientologists looks like
Huckleberry Hound.
Sunday April 9, 2 06
170
ARt 1HZY IN THE BARN, OR WAITING IN THE VARN
Current mood: ©loved
This is the third and last time I'm going to try posting
this. The explorer window keeps crashing.
I've been reading about Scientology. Did you know they
are ardently ant i -gay? So when you see a Hollywood celebrity
telling people that they are a Scientologist, they are also
saying: "Take a hike, fag." You may think, well I'm a
(insert religion) and I don't believe everything my church
does, but that's one of the key tenants of Scientology; you
do not question Scientology.
Mercedes and I were talking about religion on the way
home from work, and I want to keep an open mind, but I just
hate organized religion in a very deep way. I want to keep
an open mind, but churches just suck.
I'm starting my own church. There's no money to join, and
you never have to pay anything. All you have to do is
believe that you are alive and no one else has a right to
tell you what to do. There are no rules, no sins, and no
excommunication. By reading the above paragraph, you are a
member of my church, that's how open we are.
171
In the beginning, one of my favorite disciples was Kermit
the frog, but then he got greedy, and said he wanted to be
in charge. I said, "That's fine," but it wasn't good enough
for him, he wanted to cut off my legs so he could be taller
than me too. I don't hold it against him, it's not easy
being green, but I ran away (it's easy to outrun someone who
is much shorter than you) . I still love the little Muppet;
it's just dangerous for me to be around him. I wish him the
best. Instead, I shacked up with a really hot chick, her
name is Mercedes and she doesn't care that I'm an idiot.
Someday she's going to get tired of me, and that will be all
right too. I won't hold it against her. She'll try to chop
my legs off too, and then we'll part ways. She'll move on to
something that makes her happy, and maybe I'll go looking
for a little frog that needs a little love.
That's the only parable of my religion, if something is
dangerous, get away from it, if it makes you happy, go to
it. Even if it destroys you, follow your bliss. Productivity
is a farce. The earth is already a paradise if you know how
to look at it properly.
Scientology says that you shouldn't debate, that you
shouldn't question. I can't get in line with that, it sounds
like Roman Catholicism and American Democracy. Is it so
wrong to want a little love out of this life? Now show me
172
those titties again, and this time I promise I'll try not to
get any on you.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Sunday April 9, 2 06
173
DEFEAT THE SO CALLED PRESIDENT BY THE NAME OF BUSH
Current mood: ©calm
That's the biggest thing man has ever done
Scooter Libby talked, he named names, and he named the
vice president acting under orders from the president. I
can't believe how this story, from five years ago could come
back to bite the president in the ass. I hate to see anybody
get bit by the law, but when it's the lawmakers themselves,
there's a wonderful irony to the whole thing; makes me wish
I had more porno .
I like naked women, I like watching them get fucked. I
don't really care if I'm thrown into the mix with them, but
I like watching them. I guess that's what happens when the
MTV generation grows up.
What is it about a little white girl, getting both her
holes plugged, that I love so much? I couldn't tell you if I
tried, but it sure is sweet. Maybe in porn I find the only
release from the repressive world in which I live.
I miss porn so much that I'm starting to find myself
oddly attractive. Someone suggested erotic literature, I
used to like that a lot, but it's just not the same. I can
174
call to mind all the dirty things I love to see, but it
won't ever take the place of plain old porn.
I'd settle for Seka.
Someday I want to make the greatest porno ever. I don't
need to be in it, if you want to volunteer, and then just
let me know, and make sure you're already 18.
On a lighter not, when I come back to America, we're
going to make Revenge of the Prom Weekend. It's an old
script that I wrote a long time ago, I'm fixing it up as we
speak, so it can be ready by the time I come home. I hope
you're as excited as I am, because I'm depending on you to
help me make this movie. We're going to spend a week
somewhere shooting this movie, probably not more than a few
hours a day, but it requires a lot of people to pull this
thing off, and I want it to be good. Not as good as Dr.
Satanicus, or The Purple Monkey, but good nonetheless. I
don't want people to think I've sold out now that I've hit
the big time.
This movie is so good it ' s going to bring down the
presidency, clearing the way for what we all really want:
Sex Mahoney for President.
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Sunday April 9, 2 06
176
WILL NOT W^P FOR THESE DVING DAYS
Current mood: ©predatory
I don't end all my blogs talking about porn, but I happen
to like porn, and my mind, if left to its own devices, will
frequently wander back to the subject, so this time, I'm
going to start by talking about porn and let me mind wander
to other areas of interest, or possibly back to more porn.
Mercedes and I were sitting in the PC bang last night
listening to Ben Folds, I was checking porn on one of my
favorite porn torrent sites, and she was doing whatever it
is that she does, because she's not looking at porn. We went
to see Ben Folds in concert a few years ago, he was playing
somewhere in New York and on a whim we bought tickets and
went to the show. The opening act was a guy named Duncan
Sheik, ever heard of him?
Now, I like depressing music as much as the next. . . I
don't know what, but that pretty much stops with Leonard
Cohen, beyond that I can't take too many songs with slow,
repetitive guitar and lyrics about feelings. Duncan Sheik
played an hour of that type of music, and it just about
drove me up a wall (that's why I don't like radiohead
either) . To make it as a musician, you have to have at least
one rocker, take the band James, most of their album of the
177
same name sucks, but "Laid" is getting to be a classic (I
even heard it covered in the straight to video, "American
Pie: Band Camp") . If you want to talk about feelings and be
depressed all the time, there are places for that, and I
suppose there is a fan base as well, but it isn't for me.
I can be depressed all the time, it's not very hard. If
you pick an object, a person, or an aspect of your life with
which you are unhappy and focus on it long enough, you can
make yourself downright miserable (that's how people get
unhappy in the first place) ; however, if you can do that to
make yourself unhappy, then why can't it work in reverse.
People don't seem to think it can, to be miserable (they
say) focus on the self, to be happy, turn to... (Religion,
drugs, music, community service, etc) . Happiness is not a
commodity, money is a commodity, that's why lots of people
have none but few of the people have lots. Happy is free and
its everywhere, you just have to know how to look for it.
A friend once told me about some Monks, living in the
mountains, who smile all the time, they just smile and smile
and smile until eventually they're happy. It seems
ridiculous, but if you're unhappy, the chances are good that
you've been doing something similar, just in reverse.
I'm in Korea, I miss my friends, I don't have any porn, I
haven't written anything meaningful in weeks, and, by
178
now, my body has flushed the last vestiges of marijuana out
of my system. My only friends here are some guy I just met,
and my wife. I have to eat Korean food, and no one speaks my
language. I couldn't be happier, just because I choose to
be. My wife thinks that's not true happiness, but you can't
trust her judgment, look who she married.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Sunday April 9, 2 06
179
OUT OF VLADIVOSTOK AND INTO KOREA
Current mood: ©thirsty
Mercedes, Ray, and I met a Russian girl tonight, her name
is Ekaterina Vladimirovna, Katya for short, and it makes me
excited. I can go a whole year without pot, but I couldn't
go a year without a Russian, they're vital to my survival; I
need their bleak world view and bitter complaining to make
my world feel complete. Katya is a nice girl, she's from
Vladivostok, and she is very quiet (a first for the Russians
I've met) and works in a place called English Town, where
everybody speaks English and... I don't know what else they
do.
Ray, Mercedes, and I also finished watching Arrested
Development the series. I always forget how good that show
is, and I can't understand how something like that can come
off the air while American Idol draws millions of viewers.
Come on people, what's going on out there.
I've been asking myself about happiness a lot recently,
it's one of those things I like to do, pour endlessly over
something that brings me joy until I no longer derive the
same pleasure from whatever object on which I'm fixated.
That's not true; I don't like to question a good thing,
until it's too late to save it from slipping away. Why
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question happiness, just enjoy every minute of it, until you
bleed it dry. Only you can make yourself happy, and if your
goal depends on someone else, then your priorities are all
out of whack.
Take a friend of mine, for instance, he's got this
strange fetish for girls that hate him. I told him that it's
more rewarding to chase after girls that love you, but he
didn't want to hear any of that (you see for him, he has to
put the effort in, or he's not interested) . So everyday for
a week, he waited outside this girl's house and pretended to
be a Mormon. When the girl left her house he would follow
her and give her religious literature.
Now, my friend picked this particular disguise, because
the girl worked at an abortion clinic, so after she arrived
at work he would stand outside the building with a picket
sign, protesting the evil of abortion. At night, when the
girl left to go home from work, he would throw rotten
tomatoes at her car. You would think that after all this
abuse, the girl would hate him, and at first she did, but
whenever she confronted him about it, he would just stare at
her with the most intense passion in his eyes. Eventually,
she gave in and fucked him in the parking lot of an abortion
clinic, she got pregnant, but she worked at the right place
for it .
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You can't ask for a more perfect romance, they're married
now, and they keep the unborn fetus in a jar on the
mantelpiece. If only we could all be so happy. Follow your
bliss .
Sex Mahoney for President.
Monday April 10, 2006
182
IF I COULD SAY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL...
Current mood: ©indescribable
I'd be a much better writer. I try writing beautiful
things, and sometimes I think I come close to success, but I
work much better when I'm dealing with tits, ass, filth, and
cumshots, it's just where my mind wanders. Those of you, who
know me well, will not be surprised by that revelation,
those of you who don't know me well do not read this blog,
so I guess I'm just telling everyone what they already know
(it works for Rush Limbaugh and George W. Bush) .
The thing is, I don't know much about life beyond the
sensual pleasures of your standard gang bang video,
because... well, that's just the way I was raised, I can't
help myself. What I find odd, is how odious that kind of
life is to so many people, you'd think their parents never
told them about bukkake .
So you'd think that I'm some kind of crazy sex addict
with all kinds of weird perversions, but that's just not the
case at all. For instance, the other day, while my wife was
sticking a trash can into my ass, I took the banana gag out
of my mouth and said the safety word, because there's only
so much I'm willing to do, but the Koreans who were paying
for the whole thing said that they weren't going to pay if I
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was going to be such a pussy. I was all about to get in
their faces, but Mercedes took out the double sided, metal
studded dildo and stuffed it into my mouth. I can't really
blame her, fifty bucks is a lot of money.
I've also been wrestling with this problem for the last
week. I used to think I was a real bastard, a jerk, not a
nice guy at all, but it turns out that I'm not so bad. I was
walking down the street with the other English teacher at my
school, and we saw this bum. The other English teacher took
whatever change was in the bum's cup, scattered it all over
the sidewalk, and started pissing on him. I pissed on him
too, but I dropped a penny into his cup. That other English
teacher wouldn't even spare a coin, what a jerk. What does
he have to do with his money that's so important?
When I came home from work, my wife was upset. It turns
out that some Korean pornographer, to whom I promised to
sell some videos of the two of us having sex, called the
house and accidentally told her about the videos. My wife
was all, you don't respect this, and how could you that, but
then I started having sex with this little Korean girl I
found unattended in a day care center, and that shut her up
right quick.
On the weekends, I usually volunteer at the local park. I
wait in the bushes and perform abortions on pregnant women
184
as they're walking around. I don't really speak Korean very
well, but most of them seemed happy. One woman was so
overcome with joy that she couldn't stop crying. I'm such a
nice guy. I just wish I could write something beautiful and
that the police won't bother me for writing this when I come
back to America.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday April 11, 2006
185
FOURTEEN MINUTES IS HARDLY LONG ENOUGH TO WRITE SOMETHING
MEANINGFUL
Current mood: ©artistic
I lied yesterday when I said that I couldn't write
anything beautiful, I've been doing a read through of my
most recent book called "Neva St" and there are some truly
touching scenes, even in my first book, there are some
moments of exquisite beauty that the world will never know
about because... well, no one is every going to read these
books. Someday, I suppose I'll get published, but until I
learn how to write good romance, or find a killer recipe for
the next fad diet, I'll just keep plugging away.
I want to write a story about lost continents, magic, and
mystery; I've got plenty of knowledge about this crap stored
away in my excuse for a brain, now I just have to figure out
a way to tie it all together and make a book out of the damn
thing. How hard could that be?
The eve story is coming along nicely, I like the last
installment, I can't quite tell if the story should end
there, but if I don't think of anything to write by the end
of the day today then it's finished. There will be a second
installment on Friday, for anyone who is interested, and I
promise that this one will be sublime, and it won't have any
186
dick jokes in it... because this is story about women, I'll
try to think of some pussy jokes.
I think about all the great books I've ever read, and
each one of them has the power to make me laugh and cry, if
I can do something like that, then I'll be a better writer,
but it's got to be something good, or I have to write for a
shallow and weak willed audience.
Sex Mahoney for Poet Laureate
Wednesday April 12, 2006
187
INSERT MEANINGFUL VET FUNNV QUOTE HERE
Current mood: (^nostalgic
How do they do it? Those poets of the page who always
have something to say and never run out of them. I want to
be like that, I want to be one of those people who can sit
down at a keyboard and write like the wind is blowing
through their fingers onto the page instead of out their ass
back into the wind. My father used to say that if you can't
say something meaningful, cut a silent one and get out
before it ferments.
I'm a lucky man, I convinced a woman I was worth enough
time and energy to marry me and I haven't regretted a moment
since. Sure, she found the poison French fry before it could
do its job, and she never gets out of the car when we drive
deep into the woods, but I love her all the same. If only
she had more hot girl friends and didn't mind it so much
when I shit on them. I don't know what her problem is; they
only have my feces, she has my heart.
I've been trying to figure out why I can't write anything
beautiful and the reason I'm so fixated on porn; perhaps the
two are connected. I guess the problem is based on
perception, I can ask five hundred people what they think is
beautiful and I'd get five hundred different answers; how
188
many of those five hundred would say gangbang? Maybe four
hundred, I don't really know. I feel like I'm out of touch
with the mainstream, what kind of porno are the kids
watching these days? Aren't they teaching them anything
useful in those American schools?
Perception is such a big problem, so many women and men
think they're not good enough, but I can't, for the life of
me, figure out what they're preparing for. None of us are
going to be in the Olympics, but if Jackson Pollack can make
a living painting a canvas, then there's no reason that we
can't all be artists. I've been trying to convince my wife
to write a book about a twenty- something girl who is unsure
what to do with her future, but is disillusioned about...
something. She doesn't want to do it; I think it would be
good. I want all of my friends to create, that way I can
guilt them into reading my books.
I'm a little under two thirds of the way through the read
through of my first draft, and you've got to check
out "Lower Neva St" if you get the chance. It's a really
good book, and I only hope that the next one I write will
come close to what I achieved with this one. Then again, I
haven't finished reading it yet, so don't quote me on that;
I always think I'm sexier when I'm masturbating, it helps
keep things going. Nobody wants to look in the mirror when
they're doing that, it takes a true hero to look
189
themselves honestly while they're whacking off. Try it next
time, if you have the balls.
Masturbating in front of other people is just ridiculous;
you don't bring a snack with you to the supermarket.
I guess I can always write something if I set my mind to
it, Dostoevsky had great quotes about the nature of man, and
I use metaphors to compare masturbation and Little Debbie
snacks; at least now you don't wonder where they get that
cream filling.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday April 12, 2006
190
THE REAL CURE FOR HIGH GAS PRICES
Current mood: ©determined
In the last few hours, I saw two people post a bulletin
about a way to combat high gas prices. I've discovered a way
to combat high gas prices, and it has saved me about
thirteen hundred dollars a year. I stopped driving. I no
longer have a car. Granted, it took a repo company to bring
me to this state, but I saved a bundle on gas, car
insurance, and car payments no thanks to Geico, a gas war,
or a break in interest rates. I feel like a million dollars.
Well, more like eight thousand dollars, because that's how
much it cost to drive around all year.
I now walk everywhere, in Korea this is great because so
does everyone else; in America, it sucks, because everyone
drives, and the government has no need to invest in things
like sidewalks. On the road in America, I'm constantly
dodging cars, weaving through broken bottles and other trash
on the side of the road, and slogging through mud; Korea has
solved this problem by paving over everything that resembles
greenery. I don't like either solution, but more people ride
bikes in Korea than they do in America.
In America, most places have one bike rack, tucked far
away in a corner, usually near the dumpsters; in Korea,
191
there are bike racks everywhere, old people, young people,
even high level executives in business suits ride bicycles.
It warms my heart; there are just as many cars here as there
are in America, but more people ride bikes.
So you want to find a way to lower gas prices? Stop
driving your car, take a bicycle, walk, and use mass transit
(if it's available) . If you take a bicycle, walk, or use
mass transit even half the time, you're cutting your gas
expenses in half. When I was driving, that meant a yearly
savings of about six hundred dollars, and I drove an economy
car; those of you who have autos that burn more than twenty-
five miles of gas per gallon will save even more money. Give
it a chance, it won't kill you. It might give you an extra
few years of life, but you'll lose most of that because of
the exhaust fumes you breathe along the side of a road.
Some people actually need cars for work, they drive for a
living, their jobs include delivering things to other
people, the government pays for their gas, so why should
they complain. Except... doesn't the government get it's
money from us? And it's much more than 2 or 3 bucks a
gallon.
I know that no one will take this seriously, people will
not give up their cars, anymore than they will give up the
right to smoke in public... Wake the fuck up, America. You,
192
the consumer, have the power to end all of this right now.
Stop buying from companies that gouge you, stop shopping at
Wal-Mart, you don't need more than one pair of black pants,
one pair of black shoes, two pairs of black socks, one black
undershirt, and one black shirt (underwear is optional) .
Your boss needs you; you don't need your boss.
Let's take to the streets and protest, and if anybody
drives to the rally, I'm going to piss in your frosted
flakes and corn hole your mother the way you know she likes
it, but won't admit it until you see it in front of you.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday April 12, 2006
193
BEWARE THE MONSTER
Current mood: ©sore
I asked some of my students if they would give up talking
to their families if I paid them a million dollars; one of
the girls said: "You don't have a million dollars." I love
children, they're so much smarter than any adult will ever
be, it's too bad that they're forced to waste all of that
knowledge on memorizing the quadratic formula and the theme
of Romeo and Juliet. It makes me wonder why we don't just
let those little fuckers run everything so we adults can
slack off and have fun. I suppose that's what retirement is
for... Here you go children, I left a giant fucking mess and
owe a lot of money, please clean it up while I go gamble
away what remains of your inheritance in Florida.
I'm running out of things to write, I can't think of
anything meaningful to say. I want to hear from my friends.
Send me some emails so I can pretend that you care,
otherwise I'll have to start befriending Koreans, and that's
no fun, I don't know their sizes... they don't even believe
in me .
The wife and I went to a DVD bang tonight to watch a
movie, but it turns out that the place costs six dollars per
person, so we left, it was too expensive, not as expensive
194
as a night at the movies, but it's difficult to fork over
that kind of money for a mere two hours of entertainment .
Movies are getting worse at the same time that the price of
admission is rising, I just can't tell if the movies are
declining at the same speed at which the price is
increasing. When is the last time you went to the movie
theater and saw a really good movie?
My wife thinks my blog isn't about anything, I need to
find an issue to champion so she'll forgive me, if she
doesn't think I'm interesting, she might leave me. I'm not
worried about that in Korea, but when we get back to America
there are many bachelors far more eligible than I will ever
be, and what about the bachelorettes? It would be just my
luck if my wife left me for another woman, and I wasn't
allowed to videotape it and sell it on the Internet. I never
regret getting married, but sometimes I wish I had bought a
pornstar instead.
That's really all that's coming out of me tonight. Forget
everything you've ever read written by me, it's not worth
reading anyway. Sometimes I just wish I was Ernest
Hemingway, and then I ' d be too drunk to care that I can't
write worth a damn.
Sex Mahoney for President.
195
Thursday April 13, 2 06
196
A 3106 WITH A PURPOSE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO PASTE
Current mood: ©listless
Is my blog about anything? That is the question. Whether
it is nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of fortune
(because no one reads this blog) or to take arms against no
one (because this blog is read by very few people) . Is it
disturbing to read a blog about nothing, but is not really
about nothing, because it has a logical flow to its events
and their sequence; however, only a truly depraved mind can
follow the kind of logic practiced in this empty box I call
my brain. Am I preaching to a choir?
I like the fact that this blog is out there, not
because anyone might read it, but because I don't have the
energy to write a very long project right now. The serial is
fun and all, but it's not writing every day, which is
taxing. I've been trying to write a little every day, not
because people are interested in what I have to say (I don't
really say much, and no one is really interested) , but if I
don't write them I'll just waste away, my fingers going to
useless pursuits, like scratching lottery tickets and
playing with my cell phone. I don't even masturbate
anymore, there's never a moment when I'm alone in this
country.
197
I've said it before, this blog isn't about anything, this
is my masturbation, this is what I do to keep my fingers
busy until I have the time and porno for my true love: Rosy
Palm and her five lovely daughters. I write to achieve the
cathartic release that is only possible from orgasm, or a
really clever turn of phrase. That's why I try to end every
blog with at least one funny line. If I can't do that, then
I've failed myself, and I should just hang it up, but if
you've ever read this blog and had a little chuckle, then
I'm doing okay. Remember, it's not really for you anyway,
that's the fun of masturbation. If anyone is reading this,
now is when you'd reach for some tissues.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday April 13, 2 06
198
LIFE IN KOREA GETS BeTTER e\l£RYD(\Y...
Current mood: ©exanimate
. . .the only shame is that I have no one with whom I can
share the experience. Sure, my wife is here, but what fun is
that?
Tonight (that's tomorrow morning for you Yanks) we are
going drinking with some of the other Korean teachers to
send off one of our own. This teacher is leaving for
America, to study at Temple University, which is pretty
neat, because we will have a Korean friend when we come back
to the states.
I don't usually experience much, because I work all the
time. Mercedes is a better source for actual life in Korea,
but I will hopefully have a story about drunken Koreans
tomorrow afternoon (the middle of the night for you Yanks) ,
when I wake up and drag my ass into work.
If I see another boy band, hopefully I will get pictures
or video to send out .
Sex Mahoney for Designated Driver...
199
Fuck that shit, you should drive drunk. Give the police
something to fear.
Sex Mahoney for Road Menace .
Thursday April 13, 2 06
200
HOT CABBAGE MAKES MY MOUTH DROOL AND MY ASSHOLE TRUMPET
Current mood: ©dirty
I have a new favorite food, Fried Kimchi, if you've never
eaten Kimchi, it's pretty good, but if you've never eaten it
hot, then you're missing out. I ate so much Fried Kimchi
last night that my stomach would not let me forget it this
morning. Luckily, I was drunk enough that I passed out last
night and only Mercedes had to smell the awful fermented
cabbage and garlic farts emanating from my lower region.
Fart jokes aside, we went out drinking last night to send
off one of the Korean teachers, he's going to the states to
study. We had dinner at a Korean barbeque, and they kept
bringing out food, it was incredible. The meat was nothing
special (think bacon in strips an inch thick and a foot
long), but they also had tofu, o j ingo (squid), roasted
garlic, raw onions, cheese corn, and soju. It was quite a
repast. After we left the restaurant, we went to a bar
around the corner from the school and ate some cold noodles
while we drank beer. Koreans all think I'm hilarious, but I
never say anything all that funny. What seems to make them
laugh the most is when I flash the thumbs up, they love
that .
201
Mercedes and I came back home and went to a twenty- four
hour bakery; I got a flat cinnamon sugar cake and a
chocolate chip cookie, she got a bean paste filled pastry. I
don't know if she did anything after that, I passed out
hardcore .
I woke up with pain all through my neck and back and
stomach. I ate too much Kimchi and shitting feels like
someone is pouring Tabasco sauce into my butt hole. My neck
and back hurt, because, for some reason, I always fall
asleep in the most uncomfortable positions when I'm drunk.
Does this happen to you?
I like the Korean style of drinking. It makes drinking
semi -fun. Until this morning when I came into work and they
handed me the bill. $16 per person? What the fuck is that? I
don't understand the willingness people have for spending
large amounts of money on booze. I can get a 40 for two
dollars and that's enough to fuck me up on a good night. For
$16 I can get 8 40s, and that's a fucking party.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Friday April 14, 2006
202
G£T We HELL OUT OF MY WAV OR GO BACK TO MONGOLIA
Current mood: ©predatory-
Mercedes is always complaining about Koreans who don't
watch where they're going. It's true, a lot of them are busy
playing with their cell phones or contemplating existence
while they're walking around, but I don't mind, I think I'm
aware enough to get out of their way. The other day I saw a
girl with her eyes glued to her personal whatever, listening
to mp3s or checking stock quotes, and she walked right into
a tree. That's the kind of thing for which I live.
I like Korea, but I pretty much like any place I happen
to go. I don't like America so much, but that's more for the
people who live there with whom I am not intimately
acquainted. If I get to know anybody long enough, there's
always something I can find to like, and maybe I can even
convince them to be a little bit nicer.
So I was thinking about it the other day, thinking about
spending an afternoon with President Bush. He looks like a
really fun guy, someone you can really party with, the only
problem is that he ' s been away from real people for so long
that I don't think he understands them anymore. If we could
hang out, I'm sure there are things we could find to pass
203
the time that wouldn't involve invading any other sovereign
nations or sentencing people to death.
I don't make any claim to know the president personally,
but I like to think that laughter is infectious, so I try to
laugh all the time. I like to think of myself as a disease,
it helps get me through the day.
My wife and I are very different people, she's always
complaining about something, and I'm always trying to get
her to make friends with hot chicks so I can fuck them;
somehow we come together.
I don't think that makes me a bad person; I just like the
idea of sharing women. I've never been all that keen on the
ladies; sure, they're nice and soft (and I've got a real
hard on for breasts) , but I like the company of men much
more than I like women. So it really turns me on to think of
getting into a threesome with another guy and a girl, I
don't know how I feel about my wife getting thrown into the
mix (because part of the joy is slightly degrading the
woman, but it is a team activity, so no that much) , but the
whole idea sounds like it would be a fun way to pass an
afternoon. A threesome with girls is kinda fun, but it
always feels like someone is being left out.
204
So if I had a chance to spend the afternoon with the
president, then maybe we could have a laugh, and double team
Laura Bush. I hear she's a real inspiration, and I don't
think Mercedes would mind. My wife is a dedicated patriot,
and if she knew that I was trying to save American lives
she'd support my decision. I'd offer to share her with the
president, but there's no way I'm letting that filthy
cocksucker touch my wife. And I'm not kissing Bush, I'll
suck his dick, I don't mind that, but I have no desire to
find out what Dick Cheney's sperm tastes like.
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday April 15, 2006
205
AN 005 TO DENNIS MILLER
Current mood : ©grumpy
How hard is it to build an external hard drive case that
works? I bought two cases in the last two years. The first
had a bad chipset, so that whenever windows tries to write
to the drive, it corrupts the mf t . The files stay mostly
intact, but I can't access any of them, because winblows
can't recognize the drive until I format the fucker.
The other case I bought had a bad connection on the main
board so the power supply slowly stopped working and then
eventually shut down.
Come on people .
Technology was supposed to be great by the year 2 000,
hell the government should have been able to read our
thoughts and monitor our dreams twenty years ago, what's
taking them so long. The most infuriating thing is that
computer technicians are worse than doctors, everybody is a
goddamn expert, and no one knows how to fix very simple
problems. Except for one guy.
This blog goes out to Dimitry's friend Pete, he ' s a quiet
guy, not many pretenses, but he gets shit done. I have never
206
seen anyone with a better track record than Pete, every
problem I have ever seen him face, he has been able to solve
in a simple and straightforward manner. My hat is off to
you, sir. You are the only competent technologan I have ever
met in my life.
I don't trust PC techs, and I don't trust doctors. I went
to school for English, and it gave me a lot of useless
information and sure I can tell you how to conjugate your
verbs, and I can fix your spelling and punctuation, but most
of that shit is on a case by case basis; even the great
writers bend the rules when they need. Doctors on TV are all
wonderful. They receive one piece of information about a
patient and they know exactly what to do, in real life I can
give a physician my entire medical history and they can't
cure a simple fucking cold. I don't want to go off on a rant
here, but isn't it about time that we stopped overpaying
this auto mechanics of the medical service industry and
treating them like the pissant public servants they are.
Don't tell me that people will stop desiring jobs as doctors
if they get paid less, there are always idiots out there who
want to serve the public good or keep them supplied in cash
to support their drug habits, that's why I'm teaching.
The last time I got a good piece of advice from a doctor
was when I met one at a party and he told me to try the
cheese dip. I perform a better diagnosis of my own illnesses
207
than most of the doctor's I've met in my lifetime, and I'm
just a part time junkie. The problem with doctors is that
they're heads are so full bullshit and self-aggrandizement,
that they think they're as qualified to cure sick people as
I am to criticize other people's professions. Doctors are
ineffectual at curing disease because no disease suffered by
a live man can be known, for every living person has his own
peculiarities and always has his own peculiar, personal,
novel, complicated disease, unknown to medicine- -not a
disease of the lungs, liver, skin, heart, nerves, and so on
mentioned in medical books, but a disease consisting of one
of the innumerable combinations of the maladies of those
organs. This simple thought could not occur to the doctors
(as it cannot occur to a wizard that he is unable to work
his charms) because the business of their lives was to cure,
and they received money for it and had spent the best years
of their lives on that business . But, above all, that
thought was kept out of their minds by the fact that they
saw they were really useful. Their usefulness did not
depend on making the patient swallow substances for the most
part harmful (the harm was scarcely perceptible, as they
were given in small doses), but they were useful, necessary,
and indispensable because they satisfied a mental need of
the invalid and of those who loved her- -and that is why
there are, and always will be, pseudo-healers , wise women,
homeopaths, and allopaths . They satisfied that eternal human
need for hope of relief, for sympathy, and that something
208
should be done, which is felt by those who are suffering.
They satisfied the need seen in its most elementary form in
a child, when it wants to have a place rubbed that has been
hurt. A child knocks itself and runs at once to the arms of
its mother or nurse to have the aching spot rubbed or
kissed, and it feels better when this is done. The child
cannot believe that the strongest and wisest of its people
have no remedy for its pain, and the hope of relief and the
expression of its mother's sympathy while she rubs the bump
comforts it.
Don't take my advice for it; that last part comes from
Leo Tolstoy himself. We people are so dumb that we can't
design machines that actually work, or even figure out
what's wrong with the machines when they do break down.
Until computers start running smoothly, then all you MD ' s
keep your hands away from my remaining testicle, but that's
just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Monday April 17, 2006
209
I LIT TH6. OLYMPIC FLAME AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSV T-SHIRT
Current mood: ©distressed
Do I complain too much? Sometimes my vitriol gets backed
up a bit, and it comes oozing out, especially if the subject
is right (like doctors or politicians) , but most of the time
I have nothing about which to complain. I'm thankful for the
things I have, but everybody needs to vent a little
sometime. Maybe I don't give doctors a fair shake, maybe
they're just people, trying to earn a measly living in this
crazy mixed up world. Who knows? Maybe all the doctors I see
driving around in cars that cost more than six of me are
mortgaged to the hilt and indebted out their ass. It's
possible, but, just like me getting raped by the Easter
bunny, it ain't fucking likely.
I'm not going to complain anymore, no one is interested
in the poorly thought out ramblings of some idiot Jew
halfway around the world. Instead I'm going to spend this
week doing something constructive. Each day, I'm going to
write a prose panegyric for my loyal subscribers, it's time
to give something back to the community who supports my
idiocy. I'll start later today, just let me get a little
drunk first, otherwise I won't be able to sing Mercedes'
praises .
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Sex Mahoney for Repentance
Monday April 17, 2006
211
HERE'S TO Z£K£
Current mood: ©thankful
I'm writing panegyric prose pieces for all my faithful
subscribers in the order that they subscribed to this blog,
the first one goes out to the Mighty Zeke, blog subscriber
since March 5th, 2006.
I first met The Mighty Zeke in college, but I can't
remember how; I think he was just hanging around the stoop
of Demarest with Christine and Rob and we got to talking.
Unlike most of the people I met in college, Zeke was a
straightforward guy, who didn't beat around the bush, and
always had a good story to tell. The first real memory I
have of the Might Zeke is when he detailed a plot from
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and told me a joke that I still
tell to this day.
There's a cop sitting in a parking lot, just as a bar is
about to close, and this guy comes stumbling out. He drops
his keys a few times and even takes a piss out in the middle
of the parking lot, but he eventually finds his way to his
car and gets in; then he falls asleep. After a few minutes
he wakes up and tries to pull his car out, but he hits a
light pole because he's accidentally driving in reverse.
Then, he swerves out of the parking space and stops his car
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abruptly because the cop is standing in front of the parking
lot exit. The cop motions him out of the way and then
proceeds to the guy's window. The officer examines the man,
who hiccups the whole time he's answering questions; the cop
gives him a bunch of drunk tests, and the guy fails them
all; meanwhile, people start leaving the bar and driving
away. Finally, the cop gives the guy a Breathalyzer, and it
comes up clean. The cop is surprised and asks what's going
on, the guy immediately drops the facade and says, "I'm the
designated decoy."
So you've heard my version, but ask Zeke, he tells it
much better. That's the best compliment I can pay to anyone.
The Mighty Zeke told me a joke so original that I haven't
heard it from anyone since, and I spread it around as much
as I can; it even made it all the way to Asia. Here's to the
Mighty Zeke. Huzzah!
Tomorrow we do Mercedes and Mike.
Monday April 17, 2006
MERCEDES AND FIEST
Current mood: ©indifferent
Who comes first, they both signed up on the same day. To
be fair, I've known Mercedes longer than I've known Fiest,
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but Mercedes gets to hear me sing her praises every day; I
only praise Fiest once a week. He goes first.
I don't remember much about Fiest until he started
nailing my sister, which didn't win him any points (my
sister and I feuded constantly until we were both in
college) . It turns out that Fiest is a pretty talented
musician, I'm even listening to his killer bass lines, you
can check them out on Myspace at
http : //blog .myspace . com/<A%20href = " >Copasetic . Fiest is
impenetrable, you can't faze him. I've seen the man's face
remain placid in the middle of a simultaneous bank robbery,
terrorist attack, stock market crash, and flagrant
jaywalkery. I want to keep these panegyrics truthful so I
have to tell you that the last sentence is an exaggeration,
but you can't faze Fiest. His emotional curtain is
impregnable. I respect that, but I would still like to see
him play something really funky, I know he has it in him.
Mercedes is easier, and I don't mean that I can think of
more nice things to say about her, but she's easier, pretty
much anyone can talk her into bed, it just sucks for the
rest of you that I got to her first. It's much harder to
think of nice things to say about Mercedes because she reads
these blogs, but she's the only person who I see, so she
criticizes me every day for the idiocy I post online. Still,
she is the only confirmed habitual reader. She keeps me
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honest, because she's never impressed. I could have found an
easier girl, who was just amazed by my Semitic good looks
and artistic prowess and I would, right now, be in the
middle of writing some awful, trite garbage, like a book of
short stories praising women, but Mercedes keeps me working
hard for her approval . She knows I want it .
Here's to Mercedes and Fiest, Fiest and Mercedes, the
only word with which it rhymes is ladies or rabies. Huzzah!
Sex Mahoney for National Poetry Month
Tuesday April 18, 2006
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JASMINE
Current mood: ©sore
Jasmine was the fourth person to sign up to read this
blog whenever I put up a new one, isn't that sweet. That's
Jasmine to a T, sweet. If you were diabetic you could
collapse into an insulin coma in her very presence, I shit
you not. I've even known Jasmine far longer than it seems,
but I didn't see her for a very long time, that's why it's
shorter than it seems. It's too easy to think of nice things
to say about Jasmine, because she's so nice, so I'm going to
take the easy way out and treat this as if it were an
advertisement. I'm selling you Jasmine, and not in the fun,
white slavery way, as if I worked on Madison Avenue and had
no soul, which is more meaningful.
Rated number one in her class for four years running by
JD Power and Associates, Jasmine is a four star, first class
machine with the superb handling of a Barca lounger, but the
elegant styllability of a Jeep Four by Four. You'll love her
sleek new exterior, complete with a racing stripe to impress
your friends. Jasmine features a five-disc CD changer and a
seven speaker sound system designed by the finest scientists
in the speaker industry, all leather interior, and sunroof.
Finance the new Jasmine for as little as 199 a month for the
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first twelve months*. Visit your tri-state Jasmine dealer,
and take home your Jasmine today.
That's not really the nicest thing I can say about
Jasmine, but it's the nicest thing I'm going to say about
her. If she ever needs to throw down, I've got her back.
Huzzah for Jasmine! Huzzah!
Perez is a hard word to rhyme like an orange, so the cute
little poems that I write here are ... orange. Jasmine.
Taxes and title not included, void were prohibited. Lease
prices are based on figures pulled out of my ass in
conjunction with USCC 19956. Sun roof, leather interior, and
Jasmine herself are not included in the list price. Consult
your pharmacist for more information.
Wednesday April 19, 2006
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DIMITRV
Current mood: ©cynical
Ah, Dimitry. I can't tell you how much love I have for
Dimitry, a hell of a lot more than I have for my wife,
that's for damn sure, but we lived together in America, and
that's just not an option for two men in America. Dimity was
the fifth person to sign up for my blog.
I first met Dimitry way back in the dorms, all of seven
years ago, but I can't remember under what circumstances we
met; the first real memory I have of Dimitry is him asking
me to go to a pool somewhere at Rutgers . I did something to
get ready, but we never made it to the pool, instead we
wound up at some kind of free food and games festival. It
turned out that Dimitry and I shared the same love of making
bad movies, and that's how the partnership of RJ Productions
began. The short version.
Dimitry is following his dreams in Washington DC; not
exactly Washington, but Maryland, and while it might be hard
for you to understand what kind of dreams someone goes to
Maryland to follow, that ' s only because you are not Dimitry,
and you do not have the intelligence to comprehend such
questions. At one time, Dimitry said that he was going to
take over the world; the last I heard from him, he was
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performing a monkey's job. Now Dimitry was griping about
this, but I happen to know a thing or two about the future
history of the earth, and if there is one group that is
destined to take over, it is the monkeys. Dimitry is now in
a prime position to lead a rebellion of apes through the
streets of century city and take over the world. Just give
the apes guns, and stand back. Go Dimitry.
Plus, Dimitry is Russian, and there's nothing wrong with
that.
Huzzah for Dimitry!
Wednesday April 19, 2006
219
TAKE BACK TH£ NEW MILLENNIUM
Current mood: ©accomplished
Ten thousand years ago, humanity was nothing more than a
bunch of rag tag miscreants dragging giant stones around to
build temples to nothing. Here's to nothing, fellas! Here's
to nothing.
Ten thousand years later, and humanity is at its absolute
peak, I mean we've got a McDonald's in every corner of the
globe and I can get all the porn I want within seconds, but
there are still some countries out there that need to throw
their dicks around and prove that while they might not be
the biggest boys in the pool, they can still kick some
serious ass, by waging war and executing criminals. There
are not many countries left in the world that execute
people, just Botswana, Burundi, Cameroon, Chad, Ethiopia,
Somalia, Iran, China, and the United States. What the fuck?
There are more countries on the list, but not many developed
countries still use the death penalty, only the ones where
religious or political extremists control the government.
Mercedes pointed this out to me today, and I was beside
myself with astonishment. I come from a country of
barbarians .
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I wouldn't mind so much, but I object to living in a
world where medals are pinned to the chests of people who
are really good at killing while those who kill outside of
the law are punished and the porn world goes unrecognized
for its contribution to society. I propose that we establish
a new order of congressional recognition for those who show
excellence in the field of fucking. The highest honor, which
we will reserve for the truly magnificent, will be the
Congressional Medal of Boner, or Bony for short.
All kidding aside, I don't see why we should bother
invading a country when it would be much more effective to
send trained sexperts within their borders to procreate with
the females of their nationality or just seduce them away
from their husbands, or seduce the husbands away from the
wives. Service in this elite group of sex soldiers would be
mandatory, everyone, once they turn 18, would be forced to
spend two years in the Sexual Service. What is more
effective at winning over a rival country to your point of
view 250,000 men with guns, or 125,000 eighteen year olds
dropped to the gills and ready to fuck? I forgot to mention
that part of the sexual service training would include an
ability to operate while heavily intoxicated; it's rough
work, some people would not be able to withstand the vigors
of this duty (not to mention the boot camp) .
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Like all my ideas, I don't want any credit for this, if
it ever came to fruition. I'm just a simple man who wants to
live in a peaceful world full of ass and titties... ass and
titties... ass, ass, titties, titties, ass and titties. Amen
brother .
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday April 20, 2 06
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SUNDAY
Current mood: (^nostalgic
Sunday was the next person to subscribe to this blog; of
all the readers I have had the least contact with Sunday
over the last few years. As hard as I might try, I cannot
recall a single misdeed committed by Sunday, she is above
the pale of any criticism, and, as she is currently studying
in Holland, she is my new hero. I want to attend a
university in the marijuana Mecca of the world.
The earliest memory I have of Sunday was sitting with her
in my underwear one morning while I waited for a load of
laundry to finish drying. I passed out sitting on the floor
(I had been up all night) and Sunday was lying on my bed. At
some point in time, after I passed out, Sunday must have
left; I don't remember if she closed the door or not. The
strange thing is, that Sunday started dating someone soon
after, but I don't ever remember seeing them together. My
amnesia might be caused by my drug use.
Sunday is, and will always remain, in a position very
dear to me, partially because I never slept with her, but
also because she had the good sense and decency not to sleep
with me. As Groucho Marx said, I wouldn't want to be a part
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of any club that would have me as a member. Good luck in
Amsterdam.
Huzzah to Sunday! Huzzah!
Friday April 21, 2006
224
WE INTERRUPT THIS REGUIARIV SCHEDULED MESSAGE TO BRING YOU
MAVHEM BY THE BARRELFUL
Current mood : ©horny-
America. Fuck yeah.
So why is it that the land that I lived in and love is
despised the world over?
I was reading a book yesterday about the worst presidents
in American history. After the subjective section, I got the
part where they did quantitative analysis based on
successful legislation, cabinet members resigning or charged
with crimes, and policy effectiveness. The president who had
the worst policy was Buchanan, who pretty much left the
country to rot as it was leading to civil war. The president
who had the most underlings charged with crimes was Reagan.
When it comes to successful legislation, the Bush
administration takes the cake, other than the brief period
after 9/11, the Bushes couldn't get a bill passed if it was
called the American's for Free Money Act which would promise
free money to Americans .
Bush has perfected a system of attachments to laws in
which he writes a brief detailing how he, as president, will
enforce the law. It's almost like if you were arrested and
the police told you why you were arrested, and you proceeded
225
to tell them which charges you were going to admit. Or if I
put a bunch of groceries on a conveyor belt and told the
cashier not to charge me for the lobster and caviar, because
I don't think I should have to pay for those.
I've spent the last few days distracted from my normal
blogging; I've been reading September 11th conspiracy pages.
I've spent my whole life reading up on the half cracked
theories of conspiracists, and there is a whole shit load of
information out there that is just plain wrong (like the
Bushes are really space aliens) or plain old misleading
(such as the flash animation of the pentagon) , but there are
some things that do make sense .
On the day of September 11th, I said to those around me
that George Bush was responsible. I told the same thing to a
student a few days later, and the principal of the school
where I was subbing, called me to his office to ream me out
for saying so. I defended myself, because I did not actually
tell the student that George W. Bush was responsible, but I
did say that Osama Bin Laden had not taken responsibility
for the attack, and the person with the most to gain was the
president. I stand by those statements.
George Bush, if not responsible for, knew of the planned
attacks ahead of time and did nothing to prevent them. All
the presidents who used similar tactics to gain approval did
226
so successfully, but Bush has taken the enormous popularity
given to him after the attacks and transformed it into a
mountain of shit for which he and his buddies are
responsible. The only person to pull of that kind of a stunt
was Richard Nixon and he ended up on the cutting room floor
of the political motion picture that is American politics.
I hate talking about politics, because ten years ago I
couldn't give a shit about it, but now I'm of the
impressionable age when I think that the world can be
changed for the better and I can make a difference to push
the world in that direction. I also believe that there is no
one who is above or below the possibility for
redemption. George Bush can be saved, and I'm here to tell
you how .
The best way to save face is to do the thing of which you
are most afraid. In the case of a republican, that involves
a black person, because the biggest republican fear is that
something will happen to you involving a black person (at
least as far as I've been able to figure out) . As a
conservative Christian, the second biggest fear is that it
will involve a sexual act with a man, because this is what
pushed Bush into office for the second term (we can be sure
of this because John Kerry did not run with a Jewish vice
president) ; therefore, George Bush should take a big black
dick in the ass, live, on national television, on the white
227
house lawn, to restore the nation's faith in his ability to
lead.
I know what you're thinking, what will a big black dick
do? If you've never seen a porno involving a big black dick,
you might ask the same questions, but I've seen a lot of
porn and I'm here to tell you that a big black dick can do
wonders. I've seen some ugly, rank, nasty ass women - women
I wouldn't look at on the street for fear of catching some
of their unattractiveness - turn into the most gorgeous,
hot, sexy, pieces of ass with the simple insertion of a
gigantic black cock.
Give it a chance people. Like George Bush says, his
decisions may not be popular, but history will vindicate his
actions .
Sex Mahoney for President.
Saturday April 22, 2006
228
CHRIS
Current mood: ©'peaceful
What can you say about the guy who used to nail your
wife? I don't know Chris as well as some of my readers, but
he is a quiet man and I respect that. I hadn't really
thought about what to write here beyond the first line, but
you have to admit that it's not bad as first lines go; if
only I could follow through with something even better...
Chris is the only other person I've met who had sex with my
wife, which is not entirely true, I've met one other but
he's Jewish and they're not people.
So thank you Chris, for reading this blog and keeping my
wife from sleeping with a crack addict.
Huzzah for Chris! Huzzah!
Saturday April 22, 2006
229
THIS ONE GOES OUT TO THE FRIENDS I NEVER HAD
Current mood: ©optimistic
One of my favorite things on Myspace is the ability to
check on all the alumni from high school who are currently
signed onto the site. A part of me wishes I were back in
high school, because the lack of responsibility was
nice, but the downside is living with your parents and the
constant humiliation of being trapped inside a state
sponsored prison.
Thinking back on high school is a lot like reading about
conspiracy theories, because all the information makes so
much more sense after the fact, but it's completely fucking
useless at the time. All the best things in life come too
late . You learn how much fun high school could have been
long after you graduated, you learn that the girl you had a
crush on secretly liked you back when she ' s been married
long enough to confess to it, and you learn that the stove
is hot just after you pull your singed toddler flesh away
from it's burning surface. Everything good in life comes a
little bit too late.
I've been trying to beat those odds.
230
There was a time when I wanted a lot out of life, when I
thought I could change the physical world around me to suit
my needs and lifestyle; the whole thing blew up in my face
and I wound up alienating nearly everyone around me. I no
longer look to change the world from without, but look
for ways to find peace within.
Let's face it, the world is one fucked up place.
The people you love will betray your trust, your best
friends and family will die, and if you're lucky you'll live
long enough to end up diseased in a nursing home, waiting to
die. There are few moments in between birth and death that
afford happiness, unless you're willing to change your
perceptions and bring happiness (or at least peace) to
yourself. Mercedes thinks that all I do is convince
myself that I'm happy, and she's partially right, but that's
what being happy is in the first place, I fail to see how
applying the same standards to a different situation change
the end result.
There are countervailing forces in the world around us
and we act in tandem with them to catalyze our emotions.
There is always a choice in the way we perceive the world
and the way we let the world work on us .
Currently, I'm faced with a pornless world, and I'm a man
who likes breasts. Over the years, women have done their
231
best to make me dislike their entire subspecies, but I've
never had the ball to go full on gay because breasts are
nice. In Korea, there are no breasts, none. The size of the
women here is appealing, but they consider C cup breasts
large, and that's just a load of malarkey.
Korea is also burdened by the fact that many of the
people here want to learn English, but there are not enough
teachers to go around.
I'm putting out a call. All large breasted American women
should come to Korea to teach the Koreans English and to
show me their breasts. Now I know what you'll say, we like
it here in America, and why would we want to show you our
breasts. I have no real argument in response to that; I just
want to look at some titties.
America, help a brother out. Otherwise, I'm going to have
to return to a country run by, and populated with, idiots
just to see some breasts.
I tried to change my reality in Korea, but my experiment
failed when I tried shoving oranges down the blouse of a
pedestrian; first, because it turned out that the pedestrian
was male, and second, because when reading the previous
sentence you should replace the world pedestrian with
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captive, oranges with cock, and blouse with roofies. I miss
America. That's not entirely true, but I do miss titties.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Saturday April 22, 2006
233
AWW, WHAT A CUTe LITTLE 006, HOW DOES H£ TASTE?
Current mood : ©hungry
I did it bitches; I'm one step closer to becoming a real
Korean.
I Ate A Dog Today.
I don't need you to understand, and I won't make any
apologies, it didn't taste that great, but I ate your man's
best friend; it was a malamute .
Mercedes and I met a Korean at the PC bang and he took us
out to lunch at a dog- serving restaurant. It was a first for
all of us, our Korean friend had never eaten dog and neither
had Mercedes and myself. The restaurant was outside the city
limits, we drove a few minutes out into farm land to a
little dilapidated looking place that smelled a little bit
like a kennel. The owner was very nice and friendly, I
smiled at her and said the Korean word for delicious
(mashiktta) . The dog was served in a bowl of soup with some
leafy greens that taste like mint leaves; like other Korean
meals, it came with a few different kinds of kimchi, some
kind of bean paste, and more kinds of kimchi.
234
Dog tastes like venison, the meat is very stringy, and a
little gamey. There is a lot of fat on dog meat, and they
serve portions of the liver in the soup. Dog liver tastes
pretty good as far as liver goes.
The hanguksaram (Korean people) think that eating dog
increases your sexual virility, and when the hostess was
preparing the bowl of dog soup at our table she smiled and
humped the air to show me what my meal was about to do.
Korean women are all very sexy; especially when they hump
the air and tell you that the food you're eating will make
you a man .
I'm in the mood to eat other pets, the next person I see
walking down the street with a little dog in tow better
watch out. I'll chow down on that motherfucker, little
boots, sweater, hat, leash, and all.
Sex Mahoney for Carnivore .
Sunday April 23, 2006
GET TH6. H£ll OUT OF MY CHAIR
Current mood: (Sdirty
Maybe you don't remember, maybe you weren't conscious,
but there was a time when people used to respect each
235
other's space. How many other infants came crawling into
your crib, looking to score some of your banky, or suck on
your bottle, or watch your mobile? None, that's how many.
Now you got bitches runnin ' all up in your shit, trying to
score a piece for themselves. It never ends.
Take income tax. What right does the government have to
tax its citizens? What right does a republican government
have to tax its citizens? Call me old fashioned, but the
government should only need taxes to support their war
efforts, and I can't think of a good god damn reason to be
at war with any country right now, unless you're not the
United States and think Uncle Sam needs attacking.
Think about it like this, if you lived next door to Kimmy
Gibbler and she came to your house and asked you to borrow
money, except instead of asking she just took it, and when
you asked her why she took it, she says: "To improve your
quality of life. Don't worry, I'm looking out for your best
interests." Since when do we trust Kimmy Gibbler to look out
for our best interests? So we ask her, what are you going to
do with the money and she says: "It's none of your business.
That information is classified, but I'm using it to keep you
safe. "
That shit won't fly.
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The next time I see Kimmy Gibbler digging into my wallet,
I'm going to shoot her in the forehead, except replace the
words "Kimmy Gibbler" with "IRS agent", "digging into my
wallet" with "stealing from my paycheck", and "shoot her in
the forehead" with "ejaculate in their mouth". Take that
IRS.
Repeal the 16th amendment.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday April 25, 2006
237
LIFE IN KOREA KEEPS GETTING BETTER
Current mood: ©mellow
So I have the day off tomorrow. Mercedes and I are taking
a walk to the largest man made lake in Asia and we are going
to. . . I don't know what. What would you do at the largest
man made lake in Asia?
There is precious little to do in Korea that doesn't cost
money. It's the same way in America, that's why I never left
the house much (that an my fear of being outside) . It seems
as though the only way people can have a good time is to
spend money: go to a bar, go shopping, see a movie, take a
drive, rent a movie, go to a restaurant, etc.
I don't like spending money, it drives me up a wall
whenever I have to leave my house and spend money. Why can't
we all think of something fun to do that doesn't involve any
cash?
The problem isn't people, the problem is the government.
To protect the interests of big business, the government has
outlawed everything that's both free and fun. Growing and
smoking marijuana, it occurs naturally, it's free, of course
it's against the law; the same goes for killing hobos and
throwing large objects off high buildings. Our founding
238
fathers wouldn't stand for this shit, and I'm not going to
either. Not anymore.
Of course, there is one thing that's still free and can
occupy a few hours time: fucking. Now that the United States
Supreme Court has banned anti-sodomy laws, it's now legal to
fuck all you want, in any way you want. So call up some good
friends, turn off all the lights, and spend a few hours
doing what even God condones. Fuck your friends.
Sure, it may seem like a strange idea at first, but what
else are you going to do? Sit around? Watch a movie? Stare
blindly at the television and think of things to talk about?
Things! ! ! To talk about! ! ! Where did we all get this crazy
idea that our friends have important or interesting things
to say? I'm completely uninteresting and socially awkward,
top all that off with the fact that I'm a jerk, and I'd much
rather have a good friend come over the house and stick
various household objects in my ass than try to think of
tactful things to say.
Think about it, before the government imposes the new
thinking tax and you have to pay for that too.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday April 25, 2006
239
240
someone savs vwre in the wrong puce my friend
Current mood: ©irate
A few years ago, I was reading a history book about the
Republican Party.
After the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1965, a number
of prominent Southern Democrats left the party and wound up
republicans. I'm willing to believe that a majority of white
people are not overtly racist, but in the South, in 1965
(the same year that Medger Evers was killed and many more
blacks were lynched) , I think it is safe to say that real
racism was rampant. As a result of their opposition to the
civil rights advances, the Republican Party lost
considerable support throughout the nation. Americans may be
racist, but they don't like to talk about it. The Republican
Party spent the next fifteen years attacking the government
services provided to black people, earning the enmity of
Americans everywhere .
In 1980, Ronald Reagan came along and the Republican Party
changed their tactics. American's don't like to see their
racism, and the Republican Party capitalized on this,
instead of attacking social programs, they attacked taxes.
Nobody likes taxes, people like social programs, they don't
like taxes. The only problem with cutting taxes is that the
241
government depends on taxes to survive, so you can't cut
taxes too much, just in specific ways.
The government then has less money than they ordinarily
would after they cut taxes, but these government types ham
string themselves, because they never cut spending, they
just redirect it... to the military. Build up military
spending, wait for someone to piss you off and then go to
war. The best part is that after cutting all that funding to
social programs, you have a lot of poor people with nothing
better to do. In fact, I could argue that the military is
the most successful social program of all time, take that
anti-Welfare republicans.
Why is any of this a problem?
I don't know about you, but I am not inclined to support
anyone who would make war on their neighbors, for any
reason. There are times when excessively evil people gain
exceptional control. America is currently suffering from
such a tyrant and it has been steadily declining for the
last forty years, if not longer. There are certain tenets
that designate a fascist state: (Dr. Laurence Britt, Ph.D.)
1 . Powerful and Continuing Nationalism
Take a look at the faded American flags hanging on the back
242
of people's cars, how faded are they?
2 . Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights
America is the only developed nation that still uses the
death penalty, enough said.
3 . Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause
Iraq, anyone?
4 . Supremacy of the Military
Protesters during Vietnam had the balls to throw shit at
soldiers, now America is too afraid. It's not the troops
fault, it's the president. The president isn't shooting
anyone, or blowing anything up. Take a look at the official
budget for the US over the last half a century; the military
takes up more money from the annual budget than any other
government aspect .
5 . Rampant Sexism
This one is tougher to prove, you'll have to draw your own
conclusions about this one, but let me put forth that of all
the executives charged in recent corporate scandals, none
were female. Maybe women are just more law abiding.
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6. Controlled Mass Media
There are two companies that own almost every television
station in the United States, both of them also own
companies that make military equipment.
7. Obsession with National Security
Have you tried to fly anywhere recently? Smoking marijuana
aids terrorists.
8 . Religion and Government are Intertwined
Bush doesn't even try to hide his religious leanings, and
Reagan couldn't have been a religious nut job, he came from
godless Hollywood.
9. Corporate Power is Protected
All the companies that have been mired by recent scandals
represent a small fraction of the large multinationals that
operate in the United States
10. Labor Power is Suppressed
Wages have not risen since the 70 ' s, inflation is rampant,
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more people are now in debt than ever. Labor doesn't need to
be suppressed; manufacturing jobs have fled to countries
that don't have labor laws, like China and Guatemala.
11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts
Bob Jones University is considered a "real good school" by
the President, who spoke at the University during his first
run for president, not that Bob Jones University isn't a fan
of the arts, they have a number of pieces in their
collection that have not been seen since they disappeared in
Germany during the 194 ' s.
12 . Obsession with Crime and Punishment
See Death Penalty and mandatory minimum sentencing
13 . Rampant Cronyism and Corruption
The head of FEMA was a close personal friend of the
President, and had no experience running a similar agency,
but he had served as President of an Arabian Horse
Association. Jack Abramoff? The President did not know the
man.
14 . Fraudulent Elections
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This one is my favorite.
Since I left America, my stomach is feeling better, sure it
may be due to no longer eating pizza and fat sandwiches, but
it's also due to stress. In America, I was constantly
looking over my shoulder, every knock on the door made me
nervous. I hardly ever left my house, and I couldn't see a
police car without breaking out in a sweat. It didn't even
occur to me how bad things are in America until I left. I
have lived in a fascist country. My Jewish ancestors would
be ashamed. I'm filling out an absentee ballot for the
elections in November. If you read this blog, do your duty
and go vote some of these bastards out of office. It's time
to shake things up, and I'm not going to segue this into a
porn joke. I can't come home to a dictatorship. If you read
this blog and you don't vote, then get out there and
protest, write letters to newspapers, talk to people, it's
not too late to take back the new millennium.
I'm sorry there are no jokes in this blog. Penis, Boobs,
Dick, Cunt, Vagina. There you go.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday April 26, 2006
246
HERE'S TO THE NEXT THOUSAND /EARS OF DARKNESS
Current mood: ©giggly
I've drawn some criticism, as one of my alter ego's, Dr
Satanicus, would say: "This is so exciting."
I'm not a big fan of social programs, corruption eats
away at whatever good is done by these programs until the
only thing that remains is a large bureaucratic mass of
public money funding the private lives of otherwise
worthless citizens. There are social services that work, for
a short period of time, and the federal highway program is
an excellent example. In order to make strong gains, like
the federal highway system or rural electrification, you
need a strong centralized government that is willing to keep
its head down and bear a lot of heavy costs. The problem
occurs once the problems created by your solution to the
problems of yesteryear.
I've got mixed feelings about social programs. I've got
definite feelings about the military.
Near where my wife went to school, there is a gigantic
concrete pit, where anti warship guns were constructed
during the First World War. The guns are hidden in the
hillside so they can remain out of sight to attacking ships.
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At the time they were constructed, the pits and guns cost
about half a billion dollars. Except in tests, they have
never been fired.
Every year, the government spends billions of dollars
(borrowing large amounts of money from foreign countries)
developing new military technology, and except for September
11th, the United States has not been attached since 1812 .
The United States has never been attacked by a foreign power
without first instigating a war. No one is trying to attack
us; the only thing we have to fear is ourselves.
Mandatory taxes keep money flowing into the hands of the
government and it creates a government addicted to money.
George Bush says that America is addicted to oil; the
government is addicted to money. I can't blame them, if you
offered me a ton of money to sit around and look pretty, I'd
probably take the money too.
The point of government is to protect those who are weak
in society from those who would become warlords a la the
numerous sovereign powers of the later middle ages. The
military does nothing to protect the weak in society; the
police do nothing to protect the weak in society, unless you
consider that the rich (due to their low numbers) are the
real weak in society.
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America bears a lot of resemblance to the Roman Empire,
but Rome eventually fell, and, if we're not careful, America
will, too. Rome collapsed on itself because it got too
hungry, or too greedy, and America is getting to that point.
I don't mind taxes, but I don't like being robbed.
Politicians want people to justify them by voting them into
office. I say, justify the government by paying your taxes.
If you want people to continue to make laws, then go ahead
and give them your money, but don't let them take it, unless
you want to give it. For my part, I'll pay to send poor
children to school with clothes on their backs, and a free
lunch, but I'm not working to make sure that a school full
of poor children in Iraq gets blown up by the kid when he or
she grows up .
Don't pay your taxes.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday April 26, 2006
249
KSENIA
Current mood: ©blah
Only two more parts in my ongoing series to pay homage to
all my readers.
Ksenia is special. She is the only magnetic person I've
ever met in my life. You should see her when she walks into
a room, she attracts all kinds of objects, mostly metal, be
careful about wearing metal objects when approaching Ksenia.
I met Ksenia a few years ago when I was at Rutgers; she
came to visit me when I was in my underwear. I think she was
looking for peanut butter.
Ksenia and I have come to blows over the years . There was
one memorable confrontation a few years ago when we were
arguing over the best attribute of Miller Lite. I said it
tasted great, she said it was less filling. Never argue with
a Russian girl unless you like things shoved up your ass.
Ksenia beat me senseless, broke off one of her heels, and
shoved it in my rectum; now I shit like a soft serve ice
cream machine .
Huzzah to Ksenia! Huzzah!
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Thursday April 27, 2 06
251
THt BIGGEST MAN MADE LAKE IN ASIA
Current mood: ©calm
Mercedes and I went to Lake Park today, we will post
pictures soon. The other English teacher, Ray, had a digital
camera and we took plenty of pictures; hopefully, he will be
nice enough to let us steal some of them; there are some
that I really want to show you, faithful readers.
Lake Park is awesome. I'm not much better than a grown
child, so Mercedes and I spent the day walking around and
being silly. There are no illegal drugs in Korea so there
were a lot of older people in the park playing on playground
equipment. We saw these two old women jumping up and down on
a balance beam.
Lark Park has my favorite toy in the world: the barrel
roll. I like standing on things that roll, what can I say.
After I spent a good few minutes playing on the barrel, a
Korean man, who had been laughing at us the whole time,
showed us the proper way to use the barrel, and then, before
he walked away, gave us a hug. It was touching.
The Lake is not very deep, at its shallowest point it is
half a meter, at the deepest it is three meters; I want to
rent a paddleboat, but we didn't see any around. On Saturday
252
nights, there is a musical fountain that puts on hour- long
concerts; I can't wait to go back there this weekend.
I'm saving the best part of Lake Park for another blog,
so I can insert pictures.
The second best thing in Lake Park was a cactus exhibit.
All those super huge cacti that you hear about or see in
picture books, they had those cacti. Mercedes and I stood
next to cactus plants that were twenty feet high, at least.
Some of the cacti were covered in a thin material that
resembled a spider web, only if you were to touch it, it
would shoot thousands of tiny spikes into your skin. Plants
are cool; I'm not.
As we were leaving the cactus museum, we saw a child by a
water cooler. Korean children are constantly staring at
Mercedes and I, so I decided to take the opportunity to
break down some cultural barriers; I said: "Annyong Haseyo"
(Korean for hello) . The little girl started crying.
As Mercedes and I were walking near the musical fountain,
we saw a group of Korean men playing keep away with a soccer
ball; the ball got away from the group and skipped over to
us. When the "monkey in the middle" came to fetch the ball,
I juggled it away from him and kicked it back to the group.
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Mercedes and I went to the bathroom and took a different
path back through the park, as we were passing the circle,
again the soccer ball skipped away toward us, by now a good
distance away. The same guy came running to get the ball
back, but I kicked it away from him again. He made the
international sign for "Fuck Me" and huffed back to his
friends. Mercedes says she's embarrassed to be seen with me.
Lake Park was an awesome time; I can't wait to go back. I
have deliberately withheld the best part of the trip. Will
post more later.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday April 27, 2 06
254
DON'T T£ll Ma WHAT TO SAY
Current mood: ©loved
Hello = Annyong Haseyo
Goodbye = Annyong He Kaseyo
Thank you = Komapsumnida
Cheers = Konbae
Please give me beer = Maekju Chuseyo
Where are you going? = Odi Kayo?
How are you doing? = Chal Chinaesoyo?
Hello (On the telephone) = Yoboseyo?
I am an American = Miguksaramiaeyo
I am Korean = Hanguksaramiaeyo
My name is... = Chonun (insert your name) iaeyo
Long time no see = Oraeganmaniaeyo
This is my wife = Uri chipsaramiaeyo
Stop doing that = Ha j ima !
Yes = Ne
No = Aniyo
I hope that helped some of you. Korean is an awesome
language, but it's like German in that everyone always
sounds like they're yelling at one another.
My goal is to learn to speak Korean so I can pretend like
I don't speak Korean and hear what people have to say about
me, and then surprise them by speaking Korean.
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Sex Mahoney for International Linguistic Expert
Thursday April 27, 2 06
256
A HOLE GENERATION LOST IN SPACE
Current mood: ©discontent
Listening to children talk about the future is the most
depressing thing in the world.
The other day, I asked some of my students: "If you
didn't have to go to school anymore, would you still go?"
Almost all of them said yes, because going to school means
that they're going to have a good job and lots of money.
Meanwhile, the only reason I'm in debt is because I spent
all of my money on school instead of taking the time I would
have studied and getting a real job, like being an
uneducated police officer or fire fighter.
I wanted to tell them that things are not so easy as they
imagine them; that you grow up and you never have enough
money; that your education doesn't matter when ten thousand
other people have the same education and more experience
than you; that you will spend your time obsessing over tests
and homework which don't matter thirty seconds after you
graduate .
I always told myself that when I grew up I would never
lie to children. I do my best, but it's impossible, there
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are some things that society will kill you for truthfully
saying to children.
The next great revolution will come from the youth;
children represent an enormous mass of disenfranchised
population. When the children rise up they're not going to
be happy, and, if you're over thirty, you're piggy. Time to
die bitch.
I will write more later when I regain my will to live.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday May 2, 2006
258
WHAT KINO OF ILL TRICKS DO THE MACKS DO?
Current mood : ©bouncy
It's been a few days since I posted, things are getting
busy in Korea, and by busy I mean poor. Mercedes and I are
about to embark on a great experiment .
Can you live on $15 a month?
We're betting that we can.
The UN says that a number of people live on 1 USD per day
or less, that's thirty bucks a month, those people are
hardcore. I don't know if I could do that. What we're trying
to do is a respectable five dollars a day, each. That's
can't be too hard, can it? It's five times as much as most
of Africa and China.
Perhaps I'm being insensitive, maybe I owe it to all
those starving children in Africa to spend more money than I
make in a month, to rack up a huge debt (at 18% interest) to
show them that there is hope, that one day, they too can
have a big screen TV and guns, all at retail price, 20% off,
only ten dollars a month.
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I haven't had much of a chance to write because we've
been saving our money, which means no more going to the PC
bang every day. That means I have to come into work early so
I can use the PC's here. Yesterday I got distracted reading
and replying to emails that you, my wonderful readers,
religiously send me to keep me entertained; today, I was
swamped with actual work.
Work! ! !???
I'm a teacher. I don't do work.
Actually, I had to handwrite about thirty evaluations for
my students, just a sentence or two, nothing descript. For
next month, I'm keeping track of their homework so I can
have something to say about the wonderful little bastards.
The problem was that they handed me these evaluations today
and wanted them back... today. I guess it's not that bad,
the rest of the time they just pay me for being cute and
speaking English.
A bit of positive news, Korean movies are awesome. The
most recent one we watched was called "Vampire Cop" and it
was about a crooked Korean detective who gets bitten by a
vampire mosquito (the mosquito bit Dracula and then got
stuck to the windshield of a Korean bound jet-liner passing
over head) and then fights crime. The best part is that
260
Vampire Cop only turns into a vampire when he drinks blood
or gets sexually aroused. The best scene in the movie is
when Vampire Cop is running away from bad guys, watching
porn on his hand phone (cell phone for you Westerners) , but
drops it and the screen cracks . Things look grim for Vampire
Cop until he sees a gorgeous woman in a red dress, who bends
down and flashes him some camel toe. As he's transforming
(and getting ready to kick ass) the woman turns around and
she's got the Korean equivalent of a butter face, erection
gone, vampirism gone. Vampire Cop is on the run again. Great
fucking movie .
Of course, we can't all be vampires, but we can save
money by switching to Geico. How much money do you spend in
an average month? Add everything up and see where you stand,
then toss that number in the fire and light up the bong,
Negroes. I never worried about money in America when I had
none, now I have very little and it drives me insane. I want
to be a monk.
Sex Mahoney for Economist
Friday April 28, 2006
261
I DON'T MEDITATE AND I DON'T PRAV BUT I EAT TWO SAMOSAS EVER/
DAV
Current mood: ©indescribable
There really isn't any food better than Indian food, I
can't think of a bad thing about it. The food is so good
that India is the most densely populated place on the
planet; everyone is waiting for some nan. Mercedes and I
went out for Indian food last night, it wasn't too expensive
(about the same as it is in the states) , but the portions
where much smaller. Except at Indian buffets (where the food
is never that good), I've never sat down to an Indian meal
and walked away stuffed. It makes me very sad. I want to
meet and Indian friend and exploit that friendship to get
invited to a family dinner, where I will hoard as much food
as I can (a la Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places) and make off
like a maniacal cackling bandit.
I learned how to say penis in Korean.
I've been waiting my whole life to have this moment. The
one where a foreigner tells you to repeat something in a
foreign language that you don't understand, because they're
trying to get you to say something stupid or dirty or both.
On Friday, one of the other teachers here taught me how to
say, "I am a fucking, fucking idiot." (Korean uses two
262
different curses to mean fuck, or something like that.) If
you see someone, a Korean, doing something stupid and you
want to look very rude, or very smarmy ask them: "Chollababo
issaeyo?" Are you a fucking idiot? It's great isn't it.
The best part of any language is the curse words,
everything else is immaterial. When you learn how to curse,
and how to curse well, then you've mastered a language.
In a country like India, there are so many regional
dialects that it's hard to curse at people (I imagine, I've
never been) . The best part of America is that you can piss
people off everywhere by walking up to very small children
and asking them to tell their mother's to go fuck
themselves. It's delicious fun. What I don't understand is
the morality some people exert over using "foul" language.
The moral majority hates gays, drugs, porn, and all other
fun things, but I don't understand the language thing. No
matter who you are or what you do, everybody curses. I can't
imagine that they call it "intercourse" with a sheep.
When you cut off particular words from a language, you're
suffocating that language, no matter your reasons for
restricting them. One of the most beautiful things about our
world is its variety, and if you can choose from all 31
flavors of Baskin Robbins, there's no reason you can't go
home and fuck every once in a while. Americans love
263
restricting themselves (I'm currently on a budget), but from
very odd things. I meet Americans all the time who are
abstaining from the strangest practices and behaviors, and
if you're reading this and expressing disbelief, then I hope
you've given up the Atkins diet and gone back to eating
carbohydrates (fuck all you people who say carbs) .
One of the many things I dislike about America is its
lack of flavor; Korea is great for flavor, everything is
very spicy. America only likes one flavor, salt. If it ain't
salty, we ain't eating it. When you live in a world without
flavor everything gets stale and you start thinking strange
things are interesting, like Rosie O'Donnel and Big Macs.
India's got the right idea, let's start fucking in the
streets and bring some flavor back to the far side of the
globe. I'll bring the nan.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday May 2, 2006
264
MORE QUOTAS FROM THE DARKSIDE
Current mood : ©Working
• If laughter is the best medicine, then tears are the
best poison.
• People who can't control their emotions are worse
than people who can't control their bladders.
• Money is the root of all weevils.
• If you see one movie this summer, make sure it's one
you make yourself.
• Give every book at least one hundred pages before
you give up on it, even if Nicole Richie wrote it.
• The more time you spend with someone the less you'll
like them; if you really love someone, stay away
from them.
• Nothing is better than hearing about awful things
happening to people who deserve them.
• Awful people never get what they really deserve.
• Jewish comedians give the best advice.
• Nobody thinks they're nobody.
• Don't be afraid to stop at gas stations and ask for
directions, gas station attendants never know how to
get there anyway.
• The more you anticipate something, the bigger a let
down it will eventually become.
265
• Don't look forward to anything.
• The past is an illusion, no more real than the
future. The difference is that you can learn from
the past.
• The best way to seduce women is to be honest with
them about the size of your gargantuan penis, the
riches in your bank account, and someone else's
phone number.
• The best way to seduce a man is to tell him that
he's the best .
• If people work hard so they can relax in their
autumn years, then why can't they relax just as well
in the spring when they can enjoy it?
• It's much harder to get time off work for a heart
transplant than a cold.
• Weddings and funerals are the biggest wastes of
money, and the corpse has the best time at both.
• It is impossible to teach anything to children that
they don't already know.
• The key to any woman's heart is to give her dominion
over yours .
• You will never beat the claw machine.
• Everything you believe in is someone else's lie.
• Three thousand years from now, someone may be using
your bones to better understand the past.
• Nobody likes Grape Nuts.
266
• Vincent Van Gogh could hear twice as well without
his ear.
• The more books you read, the less time you spend
having sex with other people's family members.
• Wal-Mart is not evil, but the people who run it are.
• All the best detectives start by using conspiracy
theories .
• Most of the time, it is the most likely suspect.
• Terrorism is to Communism as Herring is to Herring.
• The first sign of a countries downfall is the
sovereignty of a foreign leader.
• People who write short quotes are not to be trusted.
• I will try harder next time.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday May 2, 2006
267
IT'S BEST TO TOOT MY OWN HORN ABOUT MY IDIOSVNCRASieS. I VIDEO
PINK PUSSIES
Current mood : ©good
In the course of my life, I've met three people through
the Internet .
The first was a girl who looked up my name on a medical
chart and tracked down my screen name while I was a junior
in high school. It was flattering, I suppose. I met the girl
for a date, it was terrible. We are tentative friends to
this day.
The second was a girl who did the same thing when I was
eighteen, got in touch with me, asked to meet me; she ended
up being sixteen years old and dumb as a post. I haven't met
anyone from the Internet since then.
With one exception. A few years ago, a friend of mine
went on an Internet date with a girl he met, and talked
with, who was eighteen or so, I guess, I never got to know
her that well. It was your classic Internet story of a girl
with a great looking picture who turned out to be very fat
in real life. The girl and her fat friend wanted us to stop
at a Walgreen' s so they could pick up pictures or something,
and while they were thus engaged I talked my friend into
268
slipping out the back of the store and ditching the two
girls. We sat in traffic for two hours to get to the girls
and two hours to get back, but it was worth it because
that was the cruelest and funniest thing I've ever done.
So no Internet dates, until last night. Mercedes and I
went to meet a guy that someone on the Internet, whom I've
never met, recommends we should meet. At one point we were
worried about his being an axe murderer, but he showed up
sans axe and we had a fun time drinking and laughing about
various cultures and their customs.
The Internet broke up my parents. My mother started
meeting people in chat rooms and eventually had an affair
with one of them; my father met his current wife on the
Internet. I love technology for so many things, but call me
old fashioned, I still like to find pussy the old fashioned
way. Friends are a different story. So far, the number of
friends I have met, via the Internet, begins and ends with
that one girl I met many years ago and the guy we met last
night. Maybe I like to find friends the old fashioned way as
well .
What is the old fashioned way? When I was a child, my
friends were largely determined by the other party's
willingness to beat the crap out of me or the cool toys they
have. As a child, I had very few cool toys, but I'm kind of
269
a jerk so that number stayed pretty low. Of the friends I
had in my childhood, I'm still friends with only a handful.
Until I came to Korea, I hadn't made a new friend in a
while, it seems that I stopped looking for them for quite
some time; however, the decline in meeting new people came
at a time when I started smoking a lot more marijuana so I
might just be lazier in my old age.
I think it has a lot to do with farting. I fart a lot,
and I enjoy the shit out of it, but you can't fart too much
around new people without coming off as very strange. You
put time into your friendship and it takes a while before
you're comfortable enough to really let loose around your
friends, I can't go back to holding it in. I'm doing that
right now, at work, and my stomach is getting very angry
with me .
I'm always advocating sex with your friends, but that's
only because I like reducing things to very simple arguments
and if you're willing to start a serious friendship then you
should be ready to share all kinds of things with these
people you consider your friends. Let down your standards,
lets all fuck each other and fart our brains out, but that
never really works out .
I've got limits, not many, but I've got some and they're
different from what other people consider acceptable
270
behavior, but their acceptable behaviors are out of line
with mine so it's hard for us to come together. I think it's
wrong to burn villages and kill women and children in the
name of God and country, but a lot of people disagree and
think it's perfectly acceptable. I guess I just want to have
a good time.
If farting and fucking and war can't save us, then what
are we left with? There is still hope, but it comes from a
very conspicuous and unlikely place. Pop Music. The signs
have been all around us for years, music is happy; it brings
people together (at least the good music does) . Even the
most depressing Radiohead song draws a big, and peaceful,
crowd; however, I detest Radiohead, so that's not going to
save us. I like Dan Bern, but judging from his concert
attendance, album sales, and hate mail, a lot of people
dislike Dan Bern, so that's not going to save us. I look to
people like Brittany Spears, those bland pop tarts who will
usher us into a realm of peaceful, docile, servile
understanding. Pop music will eventually suck all the will
to live from all of us until we no longer care or we're too
busy fucking and farting to care.
So maybe I can't be friends with everyone, but we can all
bop our heads along to Brittany Spears and stop killing each
other long enough to accomplish something, even if that's
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only to invent a new and more efficient way to keep killing
each other.
Of course these are only the precursors, the real saviors
are out there, and they're getting better at what they do
with every passing day. Wylde Stallionz Rule!
Sex Mahoney for President.
Wednesday May 3, 2 06
272
I'M THRee apples high i ui/e in a toadstool
Current mood : ©drunk
My Internet time is dwindling; I have to teach class in a
few minutes. I haven' t been coming to work as much and they
finally gave me a day off, so I'm not sure what to do when I
come in: answer emails or write a blog. The blog wins today.
I haven't written anything since Wednesday.
Korea is getting more exciting by the day. On Thursday,
Mercedes and I were supposed to go to the international
flower exhibit with the other teachers from the office; we
slept too late and missed the bus. Thursday was my first
official day off since I got here and it was wonderful, I
sat in bed all day, made pasta for myself, and we met David
for some drinks late at night .
When I woke up on Friday morning, I discovered that I had
another day off; Friday was a holiday called "Children's
Day" in Korea. The streets of Ilsan were packed with
children, given the rare opportunity to do whatever they
want for twenty- four hours. Normally, Korean children spend
an average of twelve to eighteen hours a day in school
learning how to take over the world, so it was a nice chance
for them to relax and relieve stress, but it packed the
streets with Korean children and prevented us from doing all
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the fun things we wanted to do, like go to a flower
festival .
Instead, Mercedes and I walked around Jongbalsan Park, a
series of small hills for hiking that has a pagoda and a
nice view at the top. During our walk, I saw a small bird
that looked injured and I walked up to it to check it out.
The poor little bird had it ' s wing broken and it was
hobbling along the ground looking sad and I contemplated
bringing it home and nursing it back to health, when all of
the sudden Mercedes screamed. Another bird, possibly the
mother, flew up behind her and hit her in the head with one
of its claws. The bird then flew up into its tree and
started pecking at the branches and making furious sounds
whenever I approached the injured bird. I couldn't stop
laughing .
I told Mercedes that I would give her a chance to tell
this story before I wrote anything about it, but I don't
have much time and I can't think of anything else to write.
Except that's a lie.
Badminton, a game I never respected much, has gained
considerably in my eyes. Right after the bird incident,
Mercedes and I wandered into an indoor badminton court where
every court was full and there were people waiting for their
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chance to play. I watched as doubles and singles games of
badminton were intensely played. People were sweating like
mad, and, I swear, you've never seen a shuttlecock move like
this before. Serious, hardcore, extreme badminton; it makes
me want to resume my erstwhile lawn dartery.
I also had the pleasure of meeting the most Japanese man
ever. He looked like he stepped out of a samurai film into
the sushi restaurant we found, while walking around,
yesterday. It wasn't anything in his clothing or attitude,
but he had one of those awesome Japanese beards, the kind
you don't get anywhere else. Asians are not big into beards,
you don't see a lot of them, and this Japanese man had a
hell of a beard. Technically, it may have been a sushi bar,
but I didn't see any other fish but eel in the tank outside.
In Korea, there are lots of seafood restaurants, and many
of them have tanks of fresh fish outside the establishment,
I suppose it's a form of advertising. I love watching the
octopus trying to escape their cages, they're so wily. Some
of the restaurateurs tie the octopi in mesh bags so they
can't get out and harm the other fish. They also have some
kind of sea worm in these tanks, it looks like a swimming
dick and they swim around looking very phallic,
uncircumcised of course, and try to escape their cages.
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I also finished reading a book called "Guns, Germs, and
Steel" about why some cultures have lots of shit and other
cultures have very little. It also talks about early farming
and offers a few good theories about why, when and where it
developed. I've been a have-little my whole life, and when I
came to Korea I became a have-less, but possessions are
fleeting and if you can't let go of the things you own, they
end up owning you (as someone wealthier than I once said) . I
see people everywhere, who fill their lives with shit, and
I'm no exception; it turns your world into a cage, and no
one wants that.
We can't be happy unless we're willing to give up
everything at a moments notice, but trapping oneself is the
very nature of life and society; it is the glue that binds
us together; we depend on each other to live. I can no
longer grow my own food, but a farmer can teach his children
to read, and so, my value to society is very low; even lower
when you consider that I am not going to procreate. I have
nothing to fight for, like that poor injured bird, I have
nothing to protect, and so I look out for others and I don't
like to see anyone bullied.
This puts me in conflict with many people in the
government, and I learned a very fun word to describe those
governments: "kleptocracy . " Once upon a time, everyone owned
everything they could get their hands on, and carried very
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little because it wasn't worth it. Once farmers started
growing their own food, other people decided it is just as
easy to take part of it and call itself a government or a
religion; kleptocracy . We built a society, everyone serves
their function, but like any body, there is always some fat.
I love being a piece of fat, I'll feed a whole starving
family one day; that would make my life worthwhile,
otherwise, I'm just pissing into the wind.
All I want to do is escape from this cage, and I love
watching the octopi and sea penises do it, because it makes
me a little happier; not because I have escaped from my
cage, but because I know that I'm not going to be eaten by a
Korean before the week is out. Mercedes calls me crazy, she
says that I convince myself to be happy, and that's all it
is; I ask her if that's all there is, and then she tells me
I'm being obtuse. Sometimes I want to be normal, to not care
about anything or anyone, to treat people like garbage
because I don't know any better. All I can do know is
consciously treat people like garbage because of some sick
sycophantic urge that lives somewhere between me heart and
my dick. To let go of the things around you, doesn't mean
that you don't care about them anymore, but you appreciate
them, and you cherish the things that are most import; like
women who get changed without closing their windows and the
nice ones who will touch your cock. Here's to building a
better tomorrow.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday May 6, 2 06
278
TAKE TOO LONG AND THIS IS WHAT TH£V DO TO YOU
Current mood: ©discontent
I've been drunk for the last three nights, it has an odd
draining effect on my brain, and I have nothing about which
to write .
Which brings me to my first point, why? Why anything? Why
are we bothering with all of this? Couldn't we direct our
energies into more efficient and worthwhile pursuits? What
the fuck are worthwhile pursuits?
Today, instead of focusing my attentions on writing, I've
been reading episode descriptions of Lost because no one
posted an episode script online this week. What the fuck
happened? Is this a worthwhile pursuit?
Art is the music, and other fruits, of the god, so
technically, when I'm watching television, I'm feeding that
primal need that made cavemen draw on walls, but the
programming on television is worse than the things that come
out of my asshole, so I don't think it counts. Lost is a
terrible show, I love it, but it's a terrible show. In the
same way, that I can't help giving my hand a sniff after a
bout of fervent asshole exploration, I can't stop watching
Lost; at least with the finger, it's shit that I've made.
279
I continue to practice my art (even I think it's pompous
to call it that, but I'm alone in the office at work so
there's no one here to stop me) . Mercedes and I finished
reading my second novel about a group of terrorist children,
and we both found a lot lacking. Second novels are
apparently the hardest. I don't say that as an excuse,
because there are a lot of things about the book that I
enjoy, but too much of it is pure shit. It smells nice, but
it ' s nothing you want to save .
In addition to my work on a book of short stories about
women, we're now underway on a musical for possible
production when we return to America and I'm almost finished
with the stupid shepherd's calendar I've been working on for
the last year. It's a productive time, and it may not be any
good, but it's all mine and I love them all. That's why I
bother, because at the end of the day, it's either write
something down or go completely mad, and I'm already
completely mad.
Last night, a Korean man yelled at us for making too much
noise. He had a drunken domestic disturbance where he was
yelling at his kids in the hallway a few days ago, someone
called the cops. He saw us smoking last night and he got
very angry. It's the first Korean we've made angry, but he
yelled at us in English. How disappointing is that?
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Sex Mahoney for President
Sunday May 7, 2 06
281
A HAND JOB'S A MAN'S JOB, YOUR JOB'S A BLOWJOB
Current mood: ©disappointed
If you don't care about these blogs, I'm going to post
another part of "The Legend of Good Women" during my break
tonight .
I met a rarity the other night . I was on the phone
talking to the other English teacher with whom we hang out,
and he said something funny at the same exact time as this
drunken fool fell off the back of a motorcycle. The drunkard
was a little upset because he thought I was laughing at him
and he got up, ready to throw down. The drunkard and his
friend vacillated a few times before they finally approached
us, angry and looking for a fight. I should have felt a
little scared, I supposed, but it's hard to take an angry
Canadian seriously. How can you do anything but laugh when a
tipsy Canuck starts weaving toward you saying: "I'm aboot to
kick your ass, eh." Hilarious.
The tension dissolved fast enough and we had a cigarette,
talking to the Canadian; he's been in Korea for three years,
idolizes Jack Black and Tenacious D, can't handle his
liquor, and plays guitar. People who lose all control when
they're drinking always amaze me. I've been plenty drunk in
my life, but never to the point where I lost my common sense
282
and made a complete fool of myself. It makes me think I'm a
much better drinker than I thought I was. I've never blacked
out, have you? I don't know if I believe in black outs,
certainly there are times when my memory fails, and I have
only disconnected memories (say of car rides and drunken
trips to eateries) but never to the point where I don't
remember anything.
The lack of porn is starting to kill me, I can feel my
soul withering up and dying. It started out being funny
enough, but it's verging on ridiculous; I feel like a
thirteen year old kid. I can't control myself. I'm falling
apart and my wife is starting to get that tired look around
the eyes that people get at the end of Peter Jackson's "King
Kong, " you know the look, the one you sported many a Sunday
morning as your parents shook you awake and told you it was
time to leave church. She's bored, I'm ashamed. What the
hell am I supposed to do? Masturbation is a religious rite,
I certainly do it more frequently than even the most ardent
spiritualist goes to church, but I've been deprived for so
long that I'm having religious moments all over the place. I
wouldn't mind so much, but I was on the bus this morning,
and, apparently, Koreans like it even less than Americans
when you accidentally cum on them.
I'm starting to feel sufficiently disconnected to America
that I'm missing more back home than just my friends and the
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food... although, I can't think of exactly what that is just
yet, I know that it's something. I miss something about
America, but I'm starting to like Korea more and more.
Last night, Mercedes and I were walking around exploring
and we found a miniature restaurant city, there was nothing
but gravel roads and the swankiest restaurants we've seen
since we got here. Where we live, there are thousands of
restaurants and shops and everything else, but it ' s a very
urban center so nothing is in it's own building; even the
churches are just neon crosses on top of buildings that
contain a pc bang, a DVD bang, and a handjob massage parlor.
Now that's the kind of church I'd go to every week, except,
what is the point of paying for a handjob, when I can do
that myself. Mercedes says that if you're willing to pay a
person to do it, then it's worth it, no matter what, but I
can jerk myself off pretty much anywhere (it makes for fun
staff meetings at work), I don't want to have to travel to
whack off. The whole point of sex is to find someone who can
do something for, or to, you that you can't do for yourself;
otherwise, what's the point of putting up with all that
other malarkey, like herpes crabs, and in-laws?
I'm running out of things to say, I'm saving up energy
for the story. Telling them is the only thing I know how to
do. I only hope I can learn to do it well before too long.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Monday May 8, 2 06
285
FORTUNAT£lV WAlGReeN'S HAS THOUSANDS OF LOCATIONS
Current mood: ©pensive
I don't understand greeting cards, but I just heard an
advert that says Walgreen' s has thousands of them to choose
from, for Mother's Day. The next time I'm obligated to give
someone a gift because it ' s a Federally mandated meaningless
rotation of the earth on its axis, I'm going to hand them
three dollars and tell them something saccharine, like:
"You're the sweetest thing since salt."
Greeting cards? Come on, people. I've got more sentiment
in my penis and you don't see me flashing that at my mother
unless it's pickle night as the Coliseum and she's paid the
cover charge .
(Just a side note, I will continue the story of Melanie
later, but I wanted to post a non-literary blog before I
have to go teach class, and there's no way I'm going to
finish Melanie before I start working. I'm not dragging out
the conclusion; I just don't have time to finish the damn
thing! )
I'm all for giving thanks to the person who brought you
to the world, but it's not automatically due because she
shat you out one morning however many years ago you've been
286
alive. My own mother, she's a wonderful woman, and I've only-
started to appreciate her as a person in the last few years,
once we got past that whole mother madness. Let's face it,
your parent's fuck and shit you into existence for
themselves, they take care of you because they're socially
obligated to. It ' s no more legal for them to put you in a
dumpster than it is for government ' s to decide which days
are special, but not special enough for you to get off work.
Respect has to be earned, if you give people respect just
because then you're going to stagnate, curl up, and choke on
your own refuse. Look what happened to China, they had a
huge head start over Europe at the start of the second
millennium, and they blew it for a little bit of Opium and a
lot of Confucianism. You can't just respect people without
them earning it .
I'm a teacher. In America that doesn't mean dick,
actually it means that I make a shitty salary and look after
your idiot children, hoping like hell they don't burn down
the school or shoot me or get really angry and charge me
with sexual misconduct because I gave them a bad grade on a
test (or they can't aim an ml 6 as well as they think) . In
Korea, I'm instantly respected, students will go out of
their way to appease me, and one little girl has fallen in
love with me, I think. On the days that we have class, she
always comes into the office and pulls me by the hand,
287
making sure I'm not late. On one hand, it's nice, I feel
like a D-List celebrity, on the other hand, it makes me very-
uncomfortable because they only listen to what you say,
they're so afraid of offering a contrary opinion that it's
tough to get them to learn anything. The nice thing is that
none of them have handed me a greeting card.
Time to go teach children. This would suck if I weren't
the greatest teacher in the universe . That ' s the thing about
Jewish guys; we're all revolutionaries until they nail us to
a cross. I'm going to take a picture of myself, all cut up
and bloody, with a slim cloth draped over my loins, and a
crown of thorns over my head, surrounded by Korean children,
and then I'm going to flash the thumbs up.
Sex Mahoney for Messiah.
Tuesday May 9, 2006
288
NeGATH/iiY NeveR v\e.ioe.o posmi/e results
Current mood: ©mischievous
What is the use of complaining if no one wants to listen
to your complaints? Besides, who am I to complain about
anything when I find joy in so many things? I will no longer
use my blog to complain, I will celebrate the joy and
diversity of life to its utmost and I will not frown on the
smallest, bent blade of grass or the lowliest mosquito. I am
here to love. I am an agent of that all-powerful feeling of
brotherhood.
Which brings me to double penetration; the greatest gift
that god ever gave mankind. Sure, women and men could have
sexual orifices designed to fit only one penis, but that
would only be the case if all those Christians, Muslims,
Jews and etc were right that God doesn't want us fucking
each other like animals, which obviously can't be the case
because of double penetration.
I've seen lots of porn in my day, I've gone through all
the phases; when I was ten years old I though cumshots were
the bee's knees, but, like all life, my appreciation of the
pornographic arts grows and evolves more every year. Right
now, I think that double penetration is the apex of my
pornological appreciation, but I'm sure that in another few
289
years I ' 11 have moved on to something else and say the same
thing about that .
Let me get back to the subject, double penetration.
Things are just more fun in threes; even God hangs out with
his buddy Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I never understood what
those religious types were talking about when they said that
all three were the same being, but I'm getting a clearer
idea now. Sure, the holy spirit makes the most sense for the
recipient, because a spirit can assume whatever shape it
wants, but that's the great thing about God: even the
ancient Hebrews used a word for God that meant man and
woman; Elohim. So maybe, sometimes, the Holy Spirit takes it
in both holes, but maybe God takes a little DP from time to
time. Let's not discount Jesus ; the ass stretches more than
any vagina, any day.
So go out, find yourself two friends, and have yourself a
party; you deserve it. As someone wiser than I once said:
"Everyday give yourself a present, don't plan it, don't
anticipate it, just let it happen."
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday May 11, 2 06
290
YOU MAKE MY KARMA PUK6-
Current mood: ©nerdy
Togetherness is something we can all enjoy. I've been
reading a copy of the bible I caged from the other English
teacher that I work with, and Jesus wasn't all that I
remember him being. Everybody's always going on about how
great the guy is, and don't get me wrong he does come out
with a zinger every now and again, but he spends a lot of
time talking about hell and chastising the people who won't
believe in him. Hey-sus is as much a hypocrite as the rest
of us, and I'm tired of being a hypocrite.
Does anyone truly disbelieve in the power of love? Huey
Lewis knew it, I know it, Jesus knew it, and, if you didn't
already, now you know it too. Love is the only thing we have
that separates us from the animals. I'm not saying that the
animals don't love, but it's a protective love, they love
their own and only their own, so they want to protect them,
but we, the people, have the power to love even those that
want to do us harm. All it takes is putting your anger away
from you, like you would push away a dish of cold or
inedible food. Anger is inedible, it will eat you. Love is
consuming, it will eat you too, but only if you let it.
291
There is a man out there who has done me a great wrong,
but I have harmed him far worse than he harmed me by not
forgiving him and showing him my love . I no longer harbor a
grudge; it's foolish to do otherwise. One only has enemies
of one's own making. I can't stand it anymore, I gave up
most of my hate a few years ago, and even though I still
complain (I'm not perfect), there's not a person out there
to whom I wouldn't offer some compassion and a little bit of
love .
We all need a little love, from time to time, but what is
the proper way to express that love? By kindness?
Understanding? Double Penetration? The answer is just being,
live in love, do not look for it, and you will have love
returned to you. People get angry all the time, and they
will get angry with you too, no matter what you do, but it
is just as impossible to escape the opinion's of people as
it is to fly to the moon on a thimble full of petrol. When
someone is angry with you, love them in return and then go
sleep with their girlfriend/boyfriend. If their significant
other can love you, then why can't they?
The most important thing is to let go of your protective
impulse, like the line says: "If you love something, set it
free . " When you try to horde the love that someone brings
you, it withers in the darkness and dies, when you let that
love out, sometimes it brings back diseases, but most of the
292
time, if you wear a condom, you'll be okay; unfortunately,
condoms don't protect against genital warts, but that's
another story. We're all in this together and when we get
protective we build walls around ourselves and our friends
as real as the walls of a city.
I joke a lot, and people say that there's nothing
constructive in comedy, they're right, there isn't. Comedy
is meant to tear down those walls, those protective customs
that separate us from the savage and the alien, when you can
laugh at yourself, the highest king and the lowest slave are
as equal as when they are sitting on the bare ground.
I also criticize society... a lot. Whenever people come
together, the only thing they seem to produce is a big pile
of shit, literally and figuratively. I love people and I
hate gatherings, as someone much wiser than I once said, but
I have hope that someday we're all going to love each other
the way it was intended, in a giant, hermaphroditic, happy
humping, circular gangbang . Nobody gets to fuck without
getting fucked. Here's to the new millennium.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday May 11, 2 06
293
MORE QUOTES FROM THE DARKSID£
Current mood: ©shocked
• Le Rochef oucault can suck my balls.
• Never buy anything that promises to make your dick
bigger or your hair grow.
• Be careful of women who spend too much time with
their family.
• Your children are ugly.
• When a boy hits puberty he starts noticing girls, he
only stops when he dies.
• When a girl hits puberty she. . .
• 9 out of 10 people can play the guitar, of those;
only 1 in 10 can play it well.
• The harder you try to accomplish something the less
likely you are to succeed.
• Fate provides opportunities only to the fools who
believe in fate.
• It is better to take advice from a live fool than a
dead wise man.
• Don't trust people who don't know how to pleasure
themselves .
• There is no better way to die than having sex with
someone you loathe .
• The less often you see someone, the more likely you
are to miss them.
294
• There is nothing so satisfying as being right, but
nothing more satisfying to our friends as when we
are wrong .
• The best way to steal something is to ask for it
openly and promise to pay it back later.
• The people who give the best advice have the worst
personal lives.
• If you cannot be happy, pretend to be and no one
will be able to tell the difference.
• Making love is to fucking what a peanut is to a
starving man.
• Masturbate daily; you could do a lot worse things
with your free time.
• Not even you can prevent forest fires.
• Chuck Norris jokes are funnier than anything Chuck
Norris has ever done.
• History is the story of guilty winners to explain
their good fortune .
• There is no greater pleasure than getting to the
toilet after holding in for a really long time.
• If sex is the fruit of the gods, then masturbation
is the cheese.
• Your four camels are no match for my short hare.
• The good farmer knows to spread his seed to the far
corners of his fields, ejaculate wherever you go.
295
• Laugh at your own flaws and forgive the virtue of
others. Laugh at the virtue of others and their
flaws will become your own.
• I regret that I have only one penis to give to my
cuntry .
• Do not take time to carefully revise your own work;
there are always people ready to criticize who will
do it for you.
• Everything I say can be neglected as trash and I ' 11
still keep saying it.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Thursday May 11, 2 06
296
IN THE ROOM WITH THE DAVENPORTS WHERE MEN BECOME CUCKOLDS
Current mood: ©chipper
Very exciting news! I've finally finished my modern
update of the shepherd's calendar and it only took about a
year to write. I will post a new month each week on Myspace
and on my geocities page, but not until this weekend when I
get my laptop.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the shepherd's
calendar, you can check it out at Luminarium . It was written
by Edmund Spenser, and if you've never read him then I'd say
you're missing out, but he is rather boring, a little long
winded, and extremely prejudiced (he once suggested that
everyone in Ireland should be killed so that the English
could repopulate the country), but he ' s a hell of a poet,
even better than Milton.
The Shepherd's Calendar is a poetic/philosophical musing
on various subjects told in various metrical forms, with one
long poem for each month of the year. Spenser invented an
alias for himself named Collin Clout, who is the "main
character" of sorts, I call mine Sam Iamb. One of
my classes might be cancelled tonight so I might have
the prologue and the first month online by this evening. You
could read a lot worse, believe me.
297
Which brings me to the subject of this blog (now that
I've shamelessly pimped myself), the most popular blogs on
Myspace . I read a lot of them at work, and most of them
are blog "parties." I put the word parties in parenthesis
because I usually think of a party as a gathering of people
in a physical space, but here they are like chatrooms, only
not in real time. I read a lot of the topical blogs ; I don't
read the party blogs. Think of all the fun and worthwhile
conversations you have with people at a party.
I remember when chat rooms first hit the scenes, they
were great; prior to their introduction, the only real
communication you could have with someone, via the Internet,
was posting messages on bulletin boards and waiting for a
reply, it sometimes took ages. Then, all of the sudden, real
time conversations with people miles away, and that was in
the mid 90 ' s when the Internet was still pretty slow and
people's connections were shit. Now it's aught 6, most
people have a cable or dsl connection, and everyone has gone
back to posting messages on fucking bulletin boards. It
doesn't make a lick of sense.
I like the Internet, it has wonderful things like porn
and lots of porn and porn you never knew existed. Sure, the
internet is a great tool for getting in touch with people,
but the more people you bring together, the more likely that
298
you're going to get some kind of disease. In a book I read a
few weeks ago, it turns out that most major diseases from
colds to the flu to AIDS came from people having sex with
animals, which I can understand in ancient times; there
weren't as many people so sometimes you had to make do with
what you had; however, this is the future, there are people
everywhere, there's no reason for us to keep screwing pigs,
goats, sheep, cows, and fatties. There's plenty to go
around .
So when it comes to the Internet, I don't like
communicating with people. I don't like using it as a means
to connect to people, or rather, I didn't. Now that I'm in
Korea, it has become indispensable. I'd never be able to
call everyone without this wonderful machine, but I think
we're all forgetting what the Internet is for...
pornography. There needs to be more pornography, so go have
sex with a stranger, and post the videos online. The world
will be a better place for it.
Some of you may think it's disgusting, having sex with a
complete stranger, so, if it will help, go to a glory hole;
it doesn't count if you do it through a glory hole. I'm glad
I can count on all of you. Keep fucking your way to a better
tomorrow.
Sex Mahoney for President.
299
Friday May 12, 2006
300
I'M THROUGH WITH HONGDAE; I'M THROUGH WITH LOI/£
Current mood: ©nauseated
There's a place in Korea, called Hongdae (Hongik Univ.
for the Westerners), it's nice, has a lot of nice bars,
there's lots of attractive women, but it's like New York, if
the Subways stopped running at midnight in New York, which,
if you live in New Jersey, I suppose they do. Except, from
NY to Jersey, the trains at least give you until two AM to
get your drinking done and still get the fuck home. Not in
Korea. I think that the government actively condones drunk
driving .
I'm all for that. What's the best way to teach people
responsibility and improve their driving skills by loading
them up full of booze and setting them out on the roads?
Unless you buy that myth of the drunk driver killing a
little girl at two AM, the worst thing that could happen is
that a drunk kills some cops, and that's never a bad thing.
So rather than get stuck in Hongdae last night, Mercedes
and I decided to try and make it home, but before I tell you
about that, let me tell you about Anjeet.
We went to meet another English teacher, named Corey, at
an Nepalese restaurant in Seoul, near Dongdaemun, and when
301
we arrived, he was talking to a man he befriended at the
restaurant. His name was Anjeet and he was from Nepal, he
was in Korea on a vacation of penitence because of some mix
up with a girl. He was very friendly, talked and joked a
lot, bought us some beers, and gave us his business card,
but his eyes never smiled, only once or twice. I've met
people like that in my life, they're always smiling, but
their eyes are corpse cold. He was a nice guy, but I don't
know if I'd trust him.
After the restaurant, we went to a bar where a generic
band was playing a generic set, and, realizing that we were
about to get stuck in Hongdae for another night (on the
first weekend Mercedes was here we waited in the cold for
the trains to resume running at 6 AM) we decided to go home
after a few minutes. We made it about 15 km away from our
house when the trains stop running, which means, no matter
what stop you are currently at, you have to get off. So we
were stuck, until a taxi arrived, and what fun, they charge
double on the weekends .
Coming back home, we were both a little peeved and ready
to get drunk, which is were I come to the best thing that
ever happened to anyone anywhere. We went to a bar called
Pirate bar, where, for 15 USD®, they bring out a cask of
5000cc (5L, or a wee bit over a gallon for you Western
types) of beer. It took awhile, until 5 in the morning, but
302
we polished off the whole thing. Afterwards, I went to get
breakfast with one of the other native speaker teachers, he
went to the bathroom and saw his first Korean transvestite .
I admit, I was jealous, because I have yet to see a Korean
transvestite. There is still so much to see and do here.
I miss America, but the days pass by one at a time, and
before you know it I'll be home. Pictures are coming, this
week.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Sunday May 14, 2 06
303
READ THE FINE PRINT AND YOU'LL DISCOVER WE'RE NOT EVEN HUMAN
Current mood: ©ecstatic
Last night, I was watching "Singing in the Rain" with
Mercedes and thinking about how movies used to be, talented
as hell, but boring and so saccharine you could sweeten your
tea and give yourself cancer all at the same time with just
a few lines from Gene Kelly. I love old Hollywood; it's like
a dangerous animal in a shoddy wooden cage, ripping things
apart like they were made of paper. I can't stand new
Hollywood, for all the autonomy they have now, they turn out
crap that stinks like yesterdays fish. The nice thing about
dictatorships is that they run smoothly.
But
At the risk of sounding crude, let's all take a cue from
a science fiction writer and imagine that there ' s a one
little child, all alone in the world, with no one to love
for and care for and all our happiness depends on this
child; is all our happiness still worth it? I like it better
when artists don't receive patronage, and I think it's
ridiculous to assume that failing to support the arts will
suppress the arts; that's as ludicrous as saying that by
taxing the rich, no one will want to work hard anymore. Art
comes from a deep place, and a desire to produce or at least
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convince people that they should like you. It's plumage, the
same as muscles, intellect, and money. The best kind of art
comes from people who are trying to impress a cutie.
TS Eliot looked like a bank manager; Dostoevsky was
trying to have an affair with a young woman when he wrote
his best works. Somewhere, in the middle of the country,
there's a tax attorney writing the world's greatest novel
that no one will ever read. If I ever find him, I'm going to
burn his manuscripts.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday May 15, 2 06
305
TOMORROW, TH£ DARKSIDE CHANGES
Current mood: ©silly
Hello America, how are you? Don't you know me? I'm your
ill-conceived bastard stepchild, raised in the grand
tradition of people who've been kicked out of their home
countries and I'm saying hello to you from the darkside of
the world. Tomorrow, we're going back online with the ill
communication, and I've got a thing or two to share with
you.
First, there will be pictures; I'll post the really good
ones in a blog. You can see the others (the fifteen shots of
trees and various Korean flora and fauna) somewhere on the
web, but I haven't yet decided where. Mercedes is taking
care of that business. First there was nothing, then was Sex
and said spoke words and say that they were good, and so Sex
said, "Let there be pictures" and there were, and they were
good.
Second, there will be another chapter of the woman story.
This one is a doozy, I've been kicking this line around in
my head for the last week and I can't wait to write it down.
I hope it looks as good on paper as it does in my mind.
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Third, there will be chatting. We're getting an Internet
connection in our apartment, so I'll be online most of the
day, and if you want my AIM screen name, then you have to
send me a message through Myspace, because you can't IM me
unless I add you first. Remember, if I don't answer you
right away, it's probably because I don't like you, for one,
and because I am thirteen hours ahead of most of you, for
another. If I wake up before noon (a rarity) then I might
get back to you, but I might not (see number one) .
That's all I have to say for the moment, but I have a few
more minutes before I got get some lunch, so let me take
this time to tell you about food. Today, for lunch, I'm
having Karaedobap, which means rice and curry, it's very
tasty. Mercedes is having BiBimBap, which is rice and mixed
vegetable, it's also tasty. One of our favorite dishes is
Kimbap, which is like a sushi roll, but without fish, it has
rice, veggies, (Chamchikimbap is tuna fish) wrapped in
delicious seaweed, very tasty.
Across the street from our apartment is a pizza place
that tastes like pizza hut, but the pizzas only cost 5
dollars (or Ochon won) . We don't drink a lot of soda, but
when we do buy it, we usually buy Chilsung Cider, which is
exactly like sprite and bottled by Coca Cola.
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The three most popular beers here are Hite, OB, and Cass
all of which taste like Coors . I've been drinking too much.
I need to limit my drinking to one night a week or less.
There are many other things that we've been consuming in
Korea, but I'll save that for the pictures. Not that we have
any pictures of food, but... you get the idea.
Only 288 days until I come home to America, not that I'm
counting or anything. I miss you all, and the only decent
pair of breasts I've seen, in the last two months, belong to
my wife. Korea is many things, but not a land of mammaries.
I watched "The Sound of Music" last night, and it's a
charming movie, nothing offensive in it at all, you could
eat it whole and it wouldn't turn into shit in your colon.
I've got half a mind to watch it again, but I don't think I
have it in me . I plan on writing a musical while I'm in
Korea. Say what you will about the genre, but at least it's
honest .
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday May 16, 2006
308
JWe. BEST IS Ytl TO COMZ
Current mood: ©content
I read the top blogs on Myspace when I'm at work; these
blogs are always about the same things, masturbation and
sex. I hate being unoriginal, but yesterday was a very
important day for me. I masturbated for the first time since
March 8th. I have never gone that long without masturbating
in my life. Now that I'm back, I'm back with a vengeance, I
can't stop masturbating. I wish I were a lady. I know a lady
who masturbates when no one is looking, right out in the
open. I wish I could do that.
I was trying to decide if I was desperate enough to watch
a girl with copious amounts of pubic hair and I figured, why
the hell not. There's time for all of them. I can't stand
pubic hair in real life, but on porn stars, it's not so bad;
it's not great, but there are worse things. I once saw a
porn of a woman who had recently given birth, she was
distended. It was terrible. Who would ever want children?
I don't have much more to say beyond that, I will write
more later, but first I have to masturbate some more... and
more .
Thursday May 18, 2 06
309
ONE TIME JOHNNV TRIED LCD, HAD A GREAT RELATION AND COULDN'T
PUT IT INTO WORDS
I've got nothing to say today, but I've got this feeling
buried somewhere between my feet and my brain.
Some people think the world is an ugly place, while
others tell you its beautiful. You can't trust anyone when
they tell you about the world, no more than you could trust
an ant who says: "Yeah, this farm isn't bad; sure we've got
earthquakes, but at least it never floods."
I don't know how to play any instruments, I can strum a
guitar and I can blow air through the holes of my harmonica,
and both of those activities produce noise, but it's no
closer to playing an instrument than it is to making a
sandwich. Sometimes, when I'm sitting at the keyboard, I
just close my eyes and let my fingers find the right keys,
from memory. The keyboard is the greatest invention of the
modern world; because I can shut off my rational brain and
let the words flow out of my fingers the way an expert
pianist will unleash music from his hands. I try to defend
art all the time, and I argue about its purpose, and whether
people should be paid for it, and whether you're in it for
the love. I write for that moment, when the words are coming
out of my head so fast that I can't keep my eyes open or
I'll spoil the magic, it feels so good to shut down your
rational brain and let things come.
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You can't force something that doesn't want to come, as
someone wiser than I once said: "If it doesn't come
naturally, leave it." Nothing that's forced can ever be
right. Try forcing a puzzle together and you'll need to get
a pair of scissors. Try forcing someone to love you and
they'll hate you instead. Sometimes, you just have to be,
and if people want to hate you, they'll hate you, and if
they want to love you, they'll love you. Nothing is
constant, if you're hated, it will pass; if you're loved,
that too will pass. The earth only holds the same position
for a fraction of a second before it revolves this way, and
rotates that way.
I feel so tired; I don't know how long I can keep living.
When someone tells you they're 70 years old, even if you're
69, you can't comprehend that kind of time. When I stand
before infinity, I can translate the numbers into something
tangible, but I shrink from fear. The worst thing about life
is that just when you think you can't take anymore, it keeps
going.
I don't know much, but I know that you only love and hate
as much as you let yourself. Fuck God, we're in control. I'm
sorry God, I didn't mean that, please don't smite me. It's
cool; I can say that to God, we're tight. Fucker still owes
me twenty bucks .
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Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday May 18, 2 06
312
THIS LOST BULLSHIT IS KILLING MZ
I finally got a laptop the other day and I caught up on
all the episodes of Lost and Bullshit that I haven't yet
seen; although since I've seen them at this point, I should
say I hadn't yet seen.
As bad as the show is, I love Lost. There's very little
redeeming about the show, except that they kill off main
characters. I'm hoping to see more of that in the next few
episodes .
The other show I've been downloading is Penn and Teller's
Bullshit, which is not terrible, as documentary style shows
go, but it's not great either. Penn and Teller are almost
never objective on the show, but I still think its funny to
watch people (the magicians as well) making Asses of
themselves .
The only nice thing about a rise in conservative
governance is the rise in quality of artwork. Lost and
Bullshit are not masterpieces, not by a long shot, but
they're better than anything that was on TV during the
Clinton years; excepting of course, the Simpsons. Nothing is
better than the Simpsons.
Sex Mahoney for President
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Saturday May 20, 2 06
314
I DAR6. YOU TO FIND A SQUARE IN IT
Current mood: ©anxious
I'm feeling lost myself these days. I'm not sure which
way is up .
It ' s been awhile since I wrote anything overtly
political, because I was starting to feel like a sham, but
then I remembered something a good friend once said to me .
If you want to know how good you've got it in America, go
live in a foreign country, which I am currently doing, and
it's fucking great.
I don't understand much of politics in Korea, mostly
because I don't speak the language, but what little I have
come to understand puts me in a much better position to view
America from afar. I thought that absence might make the
heart grow fonder, and it has, in a way, because I miss my
friends, but I do not look forward to going back to the US.
The place scares the crap out of me.
When I was a child, my father used to joke with me about
people who were dumb enough to want to build a fence between
the US and Mexico, because, no matter how high a fence you
build, people will still find a way to get around, under, or
over it. Do not forget the old adage about locking doors,
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because, after all, what is the US trying to keep from
getting out?
How many of you have ever killed anything? I've never
killed anything larger than a rabbit, but you can't mistake
the look of fear in a creature's eyes as it's dying. I've
seen it on people lying in hospital beds. It comes at the
moment when the pain is too much, when they can't take it
anymore and they give in to the fear, but before that comes
the anger.
Injuring a creature will often make the animal very
angry, if you don't believe me, go slap the lions at the zoo
and punch a cop in the face. Injuring something makes it
mad, but won't make it vicious, that comes later, when the
injury becomes life threatening. When it sees there's no way
out, some animals try to do as much damage as they can
before the lights go out.
The Republican Party has had an inordinate amount of
power since 1994, and it did its best to squander everything
as quickly as possible. I love hearing people talk about the
book of revelation, as if it expresses some far distant
future when mankind will end. Actually, if you break down
the allegory, it's not a bad analysis of a society's
downfall. There are lots of books like Revelation, the show
how groups and societies eventually chase their tails faster
316
and faster until they finally bite themselves on the ass. In
1994, when the Republican Party gained power in Congress,
they initiated their own ass biting.
With the mid- term elections coming up in a few months, I
wonder what would happen if the Democrats regained
legislative power. With the Republicans sitting in a lame
duck position, the opportunity would be rife to pass and
implement a number of wide ranging and ridiculous measures,
like building a fence between the US and Mexico, cutting
government revenue, and increasing government spending. I'd
like to think that the Democrats are closer to human beings
than their Republican counterparts, but more likely, they'll
try to impeach the president and set the whole mess a
running again.
The whole thing seems completely useless. What's the
point of caring about the government if that damn thing
never stops crushing and abusing the people it's supposed to
protect?
I hate bullies. It doesn't seem like you can govern
without being a bully, maybe I'm being naive.
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday May 20, 2 06
317
318
PUT Ma ON YOUR GUEST LIST
Current mood: ©ecstatic
Before you read this blog go check out Movie Reviews and
read about an awesome movie called "Jesus Christ: Vampire
Hunter.
I've finally made it. Ever since I saw Boogie Nights, I
wanted to be a film maker, while I originally thought that
involved moving to Hollywood and sucking an old man's dick,
but once I got a little older and wiser, I realized that it
meant nothing more than making a film. Of course, film in
this case is fallacious, I couldn't afford film if I sucked
all the old dick in the world, but I like the term better
than saying digital video maker (which sounds like I
videotape girls on their 18th birthdays doing fun things
with speculums and champagne bottles - non-alcoholic,
they're under 21) . Fuck it; I'm a filmmaker.
The reason I'm so excited, and incoherent, is that my
film The Evil of Dr. Satanicus has been reviewed by
Sporedtodeathtome at blogspot . If only one person sees Dr.
Satanicus and likes it, then it's me and I should have spent
that time masturbating instead, but if two people see it,
everyone will think they're faggots and the won't take
either of them, but if three people see it... can you
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imagine that... three people sitting down watching Dr.
Satanicus, enjoying the movie, and then gouging their eyes
out? People will start to think it's an organization. And
can you imagine 50 people? 50 people sitting down and
watching Dr. Satanicus and enjoying themselves? People will
start to think it's a movement. And that's what it is, The
Dr. Satanicus Anti-Boredom Piece of Shit movement, and all
you got to do to join is to watch it at archive . org
Sex Mahoney for President.
Monday May 22, 2 06
320
WHY WON'T COACH ROMERO PlAV BAUER AND FILOSA
Current mood: (^exhausted
If you could go back in time and change just one thing,
what would you change and why?
Humans are such retrospective animals, we're always
hemming about what we would have done under similar
circumstances and warning people that they are acting like
those treacherous criminals of the past, but the last I
checked, bad things happened because good people were too
afraid to put their shit on the line when the time came. I
don't know if I'd have the courage to stand up to a tank in
Tianneman Square, but I know that I live every day, with a
firm belief in the inherent goodness of my actions, and I
don't regret any of the ones that helped people.
So I was rolling along the streets of Korea the other
day, picking up teenage prostitutes and dumping their bodies
in hard to find places (it's a little game I play with the
police) . . .
So I was tripping old ladies in the park with some
fishing wire I tied to a tree. . .
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I couldn't think of a good joke to complement that last
paragraph, so I'll continue with my blog and pretend like
nothing happened.
Stories are my interest and my business, so when I come
across stories that interest me, I remember them and use
them as analogies in my writing. I hate power. People who
hold power think that because they have power, nothing bad
can happen to them, or perhaps (I wouldn't know because I
don't have any power myself) power corrupts because people
in power know they won't be in power for long and so try to
do as much harm as they can before everything turns to shit.
Take the Devil for instance, he used to be pretty high up
there as angels go, sat at the right hand of God, and now
burns forever in eternal hell fire amen and hallelujah.
Look at Adam, that first man, he used to be God's best
friend. They hung out and worked together all the time, but
Adam died just the same.
I mention these two examples because they probably never
existed, and because they both illustrate the same theme,
just because you was the favorite, don't mean you gonna be
the favorite forever.
322
So we take a look at America's erstwhile dictator, George
W, who once had the highest approval rating of any president
ever and blew it so hard that porn stars all over the world
stood in awe of his magical lips. Still, I can't hold it
against the man, I was handed a nice cushy job by my parents
friends and I fucked it up, the only difference is, no one
got hurt when I screwed up at my job. When you're the
president, your fuck-ups affect millions.
As much as I dislike the President, and his cronies, I'm
programmed to root for the underdog. I don't like winners,
no matter who they are, and I like to sympathize with the
down trodden. There are some winners out there who are
gracious in glory, but their numbers are few. What keeps me
from defending the president is that he ' s a sore loser, and
a spiteful son of a bitch.
All of us remember those times as children, when we lost
a game to an opponent we did not respect and proceeded to
beat their heads in with lead pipes and other fun toys.
Perhaps that was just me, but I had no impulse control as a
child (hell I still have none, my penis looks like a bicycle
grip) ; I'm willing to bet that most of you have thought of
beating in the winner's head from time to time. We
denigrate, we go on the defensive. With catcalls of "you
only won because you cheated" and "this game is stupid, " we
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expose our own idiocy with great dexterity and little
reserve .
When Bush and his buddies first took office they accused
Clinton and his people of wrecking the white house, smearing
feeces, and leaving "porn bombs" to the new tenants (that
widely reported claim was never substantiated, it was a
lie) . Bush is a sore fucking winner.
Now the lame duck president and his lame duck congress
are trying to pass laws that would ensure their asshole
legacy for years to come, including a tax break for the
wealthy, mandatory conscription for all Americans 18-46, a
giant fence between the US and Mexico, and English as the
official language of the land.
If English is the official language of the US, then why
don't we change the name of the country to England? The
English went through years of trial and error before they
had a language named after their country, and for America to
try and co-opt the English language is ignorant and wrong.
Korea has a language, the king gathered all the smartest
people he could who built a language that even I can
understand; the language is named after the country, they
get to do that, they invented it. America only gets to
choose a national language when we come up with one of our
own.
324
The night before he left office, John Adams signed
countless bills into law and appointed numerous judges to
the bench; the legacy lasted until the 1830 and arguably
longer. No one liked John Adams, he was a cock, but he had
higher approval ratings than GW, and as much as I want to
root for the underdog, when they're a whining, sore loser,
I've got no sympathy. Adam probably took a mean shit in the
Garden of Eden before he left, just like Satan spray painted
"Hail Satan" on the side of God's throne before he was cast
into the abyss. It's petty, but sometimes it can be fun; the
rest of the time, you're just being a dick.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Monday May 22, 2 06
325
SORRY IF I VIOLATED SOMETHING, I'VE N£l/eR DONE THIS BEFORE
To those of you waiting to read part nine of the Legend
of Good Women, I'm sorry I haven't been able to finish it
yet. At work, there's a computer lab that we had been able
to use, but the Koreans are upset about something, so now
we're not allowed to use the lab, or bang. I won't have as
much time at work to write. This will slow down my blog
output, but don't worry. I'll keep plugging away when I can.
In the meantime, I apologize.
Wednesday May 24, 2006
326
WHEN I CALL YOU UP, YOUR. LINE'S ENGAGED
Current mood: ^^lazy
I haven't written a blog in so long that I don't know
what to write exactly. There are so many ideas swarming in
my head that I feel like a kid in a candy shop or a
nymphomaniac at a narcoleptic's convention. First, let me
relate some of the goings on in Korea over the last week.
As per my agreement with the Internet provider, I now
have a bicycle (picture not available) ; not only is the
bicycle my favorite mode of transportation, but in an Asian
country, there ' s plenty of bike parking available
everywhere. I'm traveling in style... the same style as
ttwelve-year-oldchildren and poor old people. It used to
take me twenty- five to thirty minutes to walk to work. . . I
can now do it in fifteen to twenty.
On Friday, we went out to "Pirate Bar" with some people
from work and David (I don't mean to exclude David, but he
is not some people from work, he works somewhere else) . Most
of the bars in Korea are not like the bars in America, where
there is a literal bar, one or two small tables, and a whole
lot of dank. There are no real bars in Korea except at sushi
restaurants. "Pirate Bar" is pirate themed, which means
327
there are large plastic statues of pirates near the entrance
and nothing else reminiscent of pirates anywhere else.
The bar was a blast. One of the Korean teachers, Julie,
got so drunk that she was stumbling all over the place.
Mercedes and I took turns taking care of her, she told both
of us that she loved us and gave us many kisses, usually
after she lost her balance, and stumbled into one of us.
Koreans are hilarious when they're drunk, because they don't
notice when they're shifting back and forth between English
and Korean, I just try to smile and flash the thumbs up.
Because we got shit ass drunk on Friday (and Mercedes did
the same on Thursday) we resolved not to drink on Saturday;
we were sitting around all night, watching crappy television
shows instead. Around midnight, we heard shouting in the
hallway, so we went out to investigate. Someone on our floor
was having an altercation, and there seemed to be an angry
woman, without shoes, jumping up and down and shouting. The
police showed up, and everyone quieted down, except for the
woman, who was still yelling and making a scene. Eventually,
she came to where Mercedes and I were smoking a cigarette,
and started crying, we held her hands and told her
everything was going to be okay. She started talking to us
in English and we gave her a cigarette. Her name is Inyung.
Her husband, Sango, and his friend, Unchong, came out to say
328
hello, and then the whole party broke up and went back home,
which turns out to be just down the hall from our apartment.
About a half hour later, Inyung knocked on our door and
asked to come in, she gave us a painting she made as a
present and asked us to come party with her and her husband.
We walked down the hall, and she started asking us about
religion. Unable to communicate that I am Jewish, we went
back to our room and got the language dictionary, and when
we told her the Korean word for "Jew" she got a look on her
face like I just asked her to fuck my wife with a strap-on;
however, because she was so drunk, she overcame her
prejudice quickly and we went back to her room.
Sango and Unchong were so drunk that they were swinging
their wine glasses back and forth, spilling booze all over
the floor. We sat down and started talking to them, Sango
works for the government pension office, Unchong manages an
Outback steakhouse . Inyung ordered chicken and beer, which
was delivered at 2 o'clock in the morning; we sat around
drinking and Inyung showed me her bibles. After an hour,
they started singing; we joined them for a few songs and
then got the hell out of dodge.
Koreans are a blast, but it's a booze-oriented culture,
and I have the same problems with that here, as I do in
America. Why alcohol? When they were picking which drugs to
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make illegal, how did alcohol make it to the finish line
over marijuana?
To those of you who read this blog regularly, I apologize
for my dearth of writing. There will be more to come in the
near future. Stick with me and you won't be disappointed...
by lack of reading material. I mean, I can disappoint you in
plenty of other ways, but I'm usually productive enough to
keep you busy, busy being disappointed. I love you all.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday May 29, 2 06
330
LIFE IS UNFAIR
I'm studying up, so I can write something really funny. I
can't remember if it was Baptiste or Frederick, but there's
a great movie by Marcel Carne called "Children of Paradise"
where the villain says that drama is easy, making people cry
is like sandblasting a soup cracker, but comedy is the hard
stuff. At one point, I used to write things that were funny
and I want to try my hand at it again. For some reason, all
of my last major projects have been very dark and overly
dramatic, I want to do something light and comic, the way
Dr. Satanicus turned out.
It's not that I don't respect dramatists, I have a lot of
respect for all kinds of artists, but comedians are the
best-developed minds. The height of perfection is to be
funny, anything else is uncivilized.
Let's face it, people have been inflicting misery upon
each other for millennia, and there is no shortage of
natural disaster in the world. I was reading a newspaper
article about the earthquake in Java and how the earthquake
was just the precursor to a massive volcano about to erupt
and kill thousands more people. Even in the worst tragedy,
there still exist some of the best jokes. Comedy is largely
centered on misfortune, and rare is the comic who can create
laughs without making someone or something the butt of the
joke. In the case of Java, it is God or Fate or Luck or
331
whatever that decided the best punch line to 5,000 dead
people is a massive eruption of molten lava. The universe is
the best comedian there is.
I often wonder if I'm chasing something I'll never reach.
At the end of his life, Geoffrey Chaucer renounced
everything he ever wrote as sinful drivel.
If you can't laugh at yourself, then you're nothing.
There is nothing sacred, there is no taboo; the people who
try to impose their beliefs on others are the ones who are
not secure enough to face them:
"Don't make fun of my mother, because I've never gotten
over the fact that she fucks my father with a strap on and I
saw it happen one Christmas morning. Why they decided to do
it after he dressed in the Santa suit, I'll never know."
"She's my girlfriend, and just because she'll only have
sex with me if I buy her expensive things, doesn't mean
she ' s a whore . "
What do you have that's so serious you can't view
objectively enough to have a nice guffaw? If you can't laugh
at yourself, there's always someone willing to do it for
you... in fact, they're probably doing it right now.
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Sex Mahoney for President
PS. I apologize to you readers again, for not putting up
a lot of new material, I will try to continue the one blog a
day, but it's difficult now that I can't do it at work
anymore. This week, I am also revising an old script for a
movie called "Revenge of the Prom Weekend" which I must
submit to a contest by Friday. I promise that I will have a
new chapter of my woman story up by Monday along with a new
month of the Shepherd's Calendar.
Tuesday May 30, 2006
333
Tie A YtllOW RIBBON ROUND THE OLD OAK TR££
Current mood: ©pleased
I've been reading about soldiers for the last few days.
About two weeks ago, a woman went on Fox News to explain why
she was protesting soldier's funerals. She was a religious
nut, completely insane, and besides soldiers, she was also
protesting against homosexuals, Zionist Jews, and Hollywood.
The blogs on Myspace are largely in response to the woman,
regardless of whether they acknowledge her or not. While I
will agree that the woman on Fox news was insane, protesting
against soldiers is exactly what is necessary to stop wars.
People get defensive when you attack soldiers, blame the
politicians, they say. Fuck that, I say. America is an all-
volunteer army, the people who are in the army are there
because they want to be, they fucking volunteered.
I also object to the term volunteer army, because yes,
they did ask to join, but they're getting paid, and in my
book a volunteer does their job because they want to, not
because of monetary rewards .
I blame politicians for starting wars. I'm a tiny guy, I
new better than to pick fights with people who were bigger
than me, or had lots of friends. One politician may want to
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start shit with another country, but it's the soldiers who
do the dirty work. President Bush may be an ass, but he's
not doing any shooting in Iraq.
In the war of 1812 and World War 2, Russian soldiers were
forced off to war, and more of them died in those two wars
than in all of America's wars combined. American soldiers
are pussies, and have only once fought for our freedoms.
That's the last argument people use to defend soldiers, "You
wouldn't be free if they weren't fighting to protect your
freedom." As far as I know, no one has ever started a war of
aggression against the United States. Even the English, in
the war of 1812, only attacked after America tried to take
over Canada. We would be free with or without soldiers. In
fact, freedom is an inalienable right, you're born with it,
no one can give it to you, and they can only take it away.
Throughout history, the principle means by which people lose
their freedom is through soldiers and the army.
It about time that we stop looking at soldiers as if they
were heroes; the real heroes are the ones who fight without
guns. So fuck the soldiers, sure it might be insensitive to
protest their funerals, but maybe that might wake their
parents up long enough to stop playing with their SUV's,
iPODs, DVD players, sanctity of marriage, and tax breaks
long enough to convince their sons and daughters not to
fight in a useless fucking war.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday May 31, 2 06
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I Fen H£R KNUCKLE ABOVE MY BEIT BUCKLE
Current mood: ©rejuvenated
One of the books I have for my speaking class has an
article about pornography. The article says that pornography
is okay, but it can be exploitative of women, because
everyone knows that women don't enjoy sex, but they do it
anyway to get paid, so in a sense that's exploitation. I
have a friend who doesn't watch porno ; they think it's
exploitative .
Another friend is having problems at work. You see, my
friend has to go into work everyday and perform a job they
hate just to have enough money to pay for four walls, a
roof, cable TV, and a pot to piss in. Everyday, this person
goes into an office for a minimum of eight soul crushing
hours just to make ends meet, if that's not exploitation,
then I don't know what is.
Sure, a lot of porn stars did end up there because they
were abused as children or adults, or whatever, but you
could say the same thing about any profession, especially
acting. My real complaint is that you can't have sex with
children. If I wanted to grab an eight year old off the
street and pound them senseless (assuming they consented, of
course, I'm not an animal) I would get thrown in jail, but
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if I wanted that same eight year old to hawk shitty toys and
crappy cereal, well then, just come on down and smile for
the cameras .
All work is exploitation, unless you're one of the few
people who possess actual skills or products that are in
demand with someone else. Most people, myself including, are
too stupid or unimaginative to do most jobs, so we plod
along shuffling papers, or teaching children, or whatever
just to get those few measly dollars so we can go out and
buy a few measly ounces of marijuana. All work is
exploitation.
Why do pornstars get such a bad rap? I want to laugh it
off and say jealousy, but that's too easy. I need to probe a
little deeper, and if you're willing to relax or wait here
for a minute while I get some lubricant, then we can
proceed.
Almost all my life, people have tried to tell me that sex
is special, that there's something to the act of sticking
your winky in someone else ' s cooch that makes the earth move
and stars explode, and if a pornstar, or a prostitute, can
just give it away, then what's so special about what's
between your legs? The answer is nothing. Nobody is special,
unless you consider the mentally retarded, but most of them
can't fuck to save their lives either... I hear.
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Everyone enjoys sex in the same way that middle aged men
love getting together to play Softball and relive their
glory days; in both cases, the concerned parties think
they're a lot better than they really are, and very few
people will ever tell them any different. The problem with
everyone enjoying sex, is that, as people, we can't be happy
unless we know that someone is not having a good time (and
most of us won't admit it's the person with whom we're
currently having sex), because when you can't make yourself
happy, at least it ' s nice to watch someone else be
miserable .
Fuck the whole thing, the greatest lover in the world is
the person with whom you're currently sleeping, and if
they're willing to get naked and touch your defect covered
disgusting body, then be grateful that someone will and
leave it at that. The greatest sex you'll ever have is the
sex you're having right now. Leave all that other shit for
the porno, stop giving the pornstars a hard time, and
someone find me a child actor to molest.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday May 31, 2 06
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I HAI/e AlWAVS DZPZHDZD ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
I used to be a real asshole, and some people will tell
you that I still am one. Semantics aside, about five years
ago I had a change of heart, shortly after September 11th,
although the two events had little to do with one another.
What turned me around from being a real asshole to a pretend
one is that I suddenly had to depend on a whole bunch of
people? I had to ask for help, I lived my life by the favors
granted to me; I lost control.
Since that time, I've lived by a particular motto: "Be as
nice as you can to other people, especially the ones in
need, because someday you might need them more than they
need you." If that's not enough to make you a nicer person,
then I don't know what is.
Which brings me to the president, you know Bush. An easy
way to get people to like you is to find a scapegoat and
pick on them until they're dead and bleeding. Most people
will go along with you because they're afraid of being
picked on themselves, others will do it because they're
needlessly cruel and get off on antagonizing people. This
strategy works great at building alliances, but it has its
drawbacks. Namely, you make a lot of enemies.
When the GWB came into power, he was intent on
scapegoating as many people as possible (hell, it's
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partially what elected him in the first place) , but now that
the tables are turned and he's on the way out, everyone
is getting their shots in and making sure they stick. I feel
for GWB in a way that I couldn't before all these bad things
happened and September 11th, because it's not easy when you
have to look yourself in the mirror every morning and people
think you're a monster. Now, I never started a war and I
never infringed on the liberties of thousands of Americans,
but in my own way I am equally responsible for his
atrocities. That does not diminish his culpability, but at
least I understand.
I'm trying to be good; I try real hard. I'm not going to
change the things I find funny and I ' 11 never be able to
overcome my awkward social skills, but I don't have to be an
asshole; neither does the president. To those I've hurt, I
ask their forgiveness and for those I have yet to hurt, I
ask for their understanding. Nobody can make it through this
life without pissing off someone, and I've got worse odds
than the rest of you.
I'll have another woman story up tomorrow morning (that's
Friday night for you Americans), but I'm focusing my
attentions on "Revenge of the Prom Weekend" a script I wrote
a long time ago. I've got to finish revising it and submit
it to a free script contest by Sunday at 1 PM. If you're
never read it, or if you've read it before, after this
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weekend, you should check out the revised version, allow me
the humility to say, it kicks ass.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday June 2, 2 06
342
I'M TAKING A BREAK
I need to get away from Tiffany for a day or two, I know
where we have to go, but I don't know how to take her there.
Instead, I'm taking a break to muse on a subject close to my
heart .
Gay marriage .
Now I'm a married man, and I got married to exploit the
system that gives so many benefits to married couples.
Benefits to married couples, you say. But if marriage is a
family institution, then why should society offer any
benefits to people who get married. Social scientists will
defend this view saying that for the good of society,
governments should offer rewards to people who do well and
punish those who do wrong.
Of course, this invites a certain type of thinking to the
equation, namely that any marriage that does not contribute
to the raising of children is wrong. My wife and I are not
having any children, as far as we're concerned, society ends
with us (I know it doesn't but let a dying man humor
himself), so we're just as wrong as a same sex marriage, but
we still get tax breaks, it's easy as sin for us to adopt or
foster children if we want, and we are considered different
that regular people, by virtue of our wedlock. We have been
given a privilege, denied to other, non-married people. That
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sounds like the government is arbitrarily distributing
rights based on moralist judgments.
The strange thing is that freedom is something that can't
be denied or taken away from people, but if you control the
game you can limit a person's access to special favors.
Everybody is free. I'm free to lie in the street and
starve myself until I die. Sure someone would probably come
along and move me, eventually, but I'm free to go right on
starving myself in prison and the mental institution up till
the moment of my death. How many of you remember playing
Monopoly with a crooked banker? Society works in much the
same way as Monopoly, you're free to flip the board over and
walk away at any time, but if you want your colorful bits of
paper, then you have to sit there and endure all manner of
shit. I got tired of being cheated in America; I flipped the
board and got the fuck out .
Mercedes and I said that we would leave the country if
Bush II got re-elected; he did and we kept up our promise.
That's freedom.
The more news I read from America, the less optimistic I
feel about returning. At the turn of the century, the
government was rife with fears about organized labor, so
they diverted the public's attention to women's suffrage,
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slaughtered or jailed the big union organizers, and everyone
went on happy assholing their way through the world. Now the
powers that be are up to their eyeballs in a river of shit
and they're trying to pass the buck to happy humping homos.
As if the reason we're in Iraq is that men can't stop
fucking each other. If anything, you'd think that
conservatives would try to keep people out of the military
since that's where a large amount of the (non-prison) gay
sex takes place, on the front lines.
That's the problem with conservatives, and people in
general, a house divided against itself cannot stand. How
many times does humanity have to witness the downfall of
anti-gay advocates who turn out to be closet pedophiles,
Drug czars who can't keep their hands off the black tar, and
politicians who campaign for the public good while taking
money from the collection basket?
Governments think that because they get to play banker,
that they're above and beyond the pale of the law; when all
we're really waiting for is someone to flip over the board
so we can grab as much colored paper as we can. Here's to
riots and revolution.
So why not let gay people get married, the worst thing
that could happen is that politicians unmarriageable to two
genders instead of one. And lets not pretend that
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governments can bar people from getting married, no one can
do that, they just don't give you any houses, hotels, or
community chests when you do. And that's one to grow on.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday June 9, 2 06
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FROM OUT OF THE SHADOWS SHE WALKS UK£ A DREAM
Take your rock star gods and stuff them down the toilet,
none of them can compare to Eddie Wilson.
A lot of people from New Jersey remember Bon Jovi, and
Bruce Springsteen, and Kevin Smith as the gods of New Jersey
super celebrity, but they forget Eddie and the Cruisers.
It's hard being ahead of your time, the way Eddie Wilson
was, but, like Eddie said, if you can't be great then
there's no sense ever playing again.
Apparently EatC is one of those movies that did nothing
in theaters and then blew up on cable and home video. I
think about Eddie Wilson a lot, but to be honest, I'd
forgotten about him for a long time.
People who build monuments are wasting their time. Here's
to nothing. A great big monument to nothing.
One of my favorite things about America is that it has no
history, not compared to the European countries. Everything
in America is so fresh. We're all a bunch of wide-eyed
Horatio Alger protagonists imagining that we can pull
ourselves up by our bootstrap, and we're so engrossed in
that dream that we don't notice the jackboots pressed
against our backs. The dream worked on Eddie Wilson, and it
worked him so hard that he couldn't handle it anymore.
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Eddie Wilson drove his car off the side of a bridge and
disappeared into popular mythology.
Some people say he's living out in Canada, there's lots
of myths out there, people say the same thing about Big
Foot; last time I checked, neither of them has shown their
face recently.
Sometimes I wonder about mediocre wonders, like the
contestants on American Idol and how many of them would run
themselves off the side of a bridge for their art.
I don't like artists, or at least stereotypical artists.
A part of me dies every time I write something, because I
don't want to be a stereotype. I don't want to be mediocre,
but there doesn't seem to be a way to win.
JD Salinger and Eddie Wilson keep me awake at nights,
thinking about throwing the whole thing away and living a
life of peace and ease somewhere where no one can find me.
That ' s called running away, and as much respect as I have
for people who can do it; I think it ' s a cowards way out,
like suicide. A soft option.
I want to be in the middle of it. If a thousand
distractions, and a thousand adversaries do not surround you
348
then you'll go soft, end of story. Not everybody can rise to
the challenge (most of the time you get crucified, if you're
lucky), but to give up isn't in my blood.
There's more than one way to run away. You can stop
challenging yourself; you can start making albums about
fuzzy bunnies and Pepsi ads and pretend that you're still
made of broken glass and rusty nails. I've got a dream, but
it's not quite the American dream.
I dream of dying in a bicycle accident. A car pulls out
of nowhere, hits me, and kills me. That's why I don't carry
any identification around. I don't want them to identify me.
I want to work hard until the moment that blind fate ends my
life and then I want to vanish from the face of the planet
and leave a giant pile of collected writing behind. Let my
memory live on in stories about people getting crabs on
their prom weekend or blowing up construction projects to
fight big business.
Here's to Eddie Wilson
Here's to nothing.
Read the best movie review ever
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday June 10, 2 06
349
350
GRATINGS FROM LAKE PARK
Current mood: ©excited
It's been so long since I've written a blog about Korea
(or a blog in general) .
Things are wonderful here in Korea, the World Cup is on
and the country is gripped with fever... additional seating
capacity fever.
So far, we've watched four or five world cup games, and
the country slows to a halt when World Cup soccer is on TV.
Tonight, Korea plays their first game of the series and I
expect the activity to become Geological.
Two weekends ago, Mercedes and I rented a tandem bicycle
at Lake Park and went riding around. We stopped at all kinds
of interesting Lake Park attractions, including a folk
festival that showcased medieval Korean life, music, tools,
and games. One of the games was a kind of darts, where
contestants threw long wooden shafts into baskets. I got to
participate in the other kind of games.
It was wrestling, similar to Sumo, where each contestant
wraps a cloth around themselves, they grab onto each other,
and try to throw each other to the ground. I was matched up
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with a Korean guy about my age and I lost twice (but I
lasted a while in the second match) .
After the first match, while I was recuperating, an old
Korean man, who spat when he talked, came up to Mercedes and
myself and started blathering away in Korean. We couldn't
understand anything he said, but he kept holding our hands
and saying something. We all hugged and I went for a second
match.
After the second match, the guy pulled us away from the
crowd, grabbed Mercedes, and started wrestling with her.
Mercedes put up a good fight, but the guy totally floored
her. When it was over, he grabbed Mercedes by the wrist, and
dragged her to a tent where some other elderly Koreans were
drinking Makkoli (Rice wine) .
We had already tried Makkoli earlier (it tastes like
alcoholic milk) and Mercedes hated it, but the guy insisted
she drink it; I ended up drinking it for her. We tried to
get up to leave, but the guy wouldn't hear of it, until I
said "Choesung Hamnida" which is Korean for I'm sorry. Once
I said that, the man looked like I killed his puppy, let us
go and walked away.
We rode the bicycle over by the fountain and there were
children jumping and playing in it. Have you ever been
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walking through the city on a hot day, seen a public
fountain, and wanted to go swimming? This is exactly what
the Korean children and their parents were doing. If you're
a kid, this is a great country.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday June 13, 2006
353
LET'S PUT THE FILM BACK IN SNUFF FILM
I've been busy working on a screenwriting competition all
week, reading scripts that range from very bad to excellent.
I've only got three more scripts to read by Friday, so I've
got some time to relax and take in the World Cup tonight
(not that I haven't already watched many games, when it
comes to sacrifices, the blogs are the first to go) . I
haven't written much all week, I've been busy reading.
I don't know about some of you, but I get a thrill out of
reading, even if it's something bad. Now, I'm often accused
of being closed-minded and snobby about literature, movies
and the like, but to be fair, I give a lot of things a
chance. I've read a ton of books, I've watched thousands of
movies, I've read millions of lines of poetry, and, for what
it's worth, I studied all three of those things at
University. I'm always willing to give something a chance,
even if it looks like it stinks to high holy heaven like
literary road kill.
There's a lot of mediocre stuff out there, some good,
some bad, but there are few things I despise more than "The
Butterfly Effect." It's got a script much like the ones I've
been reading for the last few days.
Most of the bad scripts are not bad because of poor
writing, but bad logic. The hardest thing about writing is
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making logical conclusions that your audience will
understand. Jerry Seinfeld compares it to the Road Runner
and the Coyote, the Coyote, while chasing the Road Runner,
runs out over the cliff and doesn't start falling
immediately, he has to look and see that he ' s standing over
nothing first. A crappy movement in a book or a screenplay
is just like that, the audience will follow blindly (because
that's what people do best, Mr. President) and only when
they're out over the middle of nothing, will they realize
they've been had.
On one hand, "The Butterfly Effect" is hilarious because
Ashton Kutcher is anything but a serious actor and all his
attempts to act turn the movie into "Dude, Where's My That
70 ' s Time Machine." The real problem with the movie is not
the acting, but the leaps in logical storytelling that the
writers ask the audience to make; for instance, Ashton
Kutcher beating someone to death, a twelve year old boy
stabbing his friend with a piece of jagged metal, and Eric
Stoltz as an unrepenentant child molester. Everyone knows
that the original Marty McFly would never molest a child,
unless they were really asking for it.
Stories are easy things to invent, you've all been doing
it all your life, and the important thing about stories (for
those of you who got good at it) is that the more simple the
lie, the easier it is to believe. When you try to make
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exaggerated lies, they're harder to believe, like Paul
Bunyon carving the Rio Grande because he was too tired to
carry his axe, George W Bush being democratically elected as
President in 2000, or Mr. Bush claiming that he won a
mandate from the people with 51% of the electorate
supporting him.
There are many good movies out there, here's a list of
ten good movies. I'm going to review these movies over the
next few weeks, go check them out, and see if I'm lying:
1. It's a Wonderful Life
2 . Sunset Boulevard
3 . The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the Eight
Dimension
4 . Death to Smoochy
5. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance
6 . The Patriot
7. Trainspotting
8. South Park: The Movie
9. tba
10. tba
The reason I left the last two blank is that I want to
hear your opinions, readers. Send me your suggestions for
two more movies to add to the list. Whichever movies get
mentioned the most will get added to the list (or more
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likely, the first two movies that the one person who reads
this blog suggests) . See you in the funny pages.
Sex Mahoney for President.
Tuesday June 13, 2006
357
H£Y, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT I UK£ IT AN/WAV
Current mood: ©refreshed
I'm in such a bind. I hate fashion with a passion, but
that doesn't mean that I won't stare at a girl wearing two
thirds of a tube top, a short mini-skirt, and high to heaven
heels. It's a terrible conundrum that I wish I could end,
but my eyes like their candy as much as my mouth.
We're walking contradictions, we human beings. We hate
the things we want and we want the things we hate . Picture
all those ardent anti-gay activists sitting in the dark at a
highway rest stop, feeling the slight pressure of a cock
sliding past their uvula. Picture the president who proposed
some of the most draconian measures against drug users and
traffickers, sitting in a dorm room in the sixties, taking
shotgun bong hits out of your mother's pussy. I am not
Prince Hamlet, nor was I meant to be, I think; I can't
really decide.
Remember the last Presidential election? If you go back
to 1995 you can watch all the Republican tricks used against
John Kerry being performed by Sideshow Bob in the Simpsons
episode "Sideshow Bob Roberts." Somehow, people keep falling
for the same tricks.
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I'm not ready to believe that people are that stupid; I
think the reason runs deeper than something so simple (Fuck
you Occam) . At least part of the reason is that people want
to see the dog and pony show, they want to hate their
politicians, to tear them down and so they elect ass clowns
ready for the slaughter.
I was talking to a friend about jeans, she said it was
hard for her to find comfortable jeans, and I've often
wondered why women's clothes are so abnormally normal. I
would be hard pressed to find women who fit comfortably in a
wide variety of clothes. Not because there's something wrong
with a majority of women, but that women buy these abnormal
shapes because that is what they'd like to look like. Think
the fat women you see in a shoe store asking to have their
elephant hooves shod in a size four. Jerry Seinfeld used to
take the tags off his jeans and sew on a smaller size label.
A camp counselor explained the solution to me a long time
ago. Sure it may hurt a little, but if you're willing to
relax, things are going to go a lot smoother. It may hurt to
face facts, to realize that you're really not a woman at all
but a small heifer who escaped the slaughterhouse, that
you're not the most qualified person to lead a country but a
moronic nincompoop that people like mocking, that you're not
a talented writer just a guy with too much time and access
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to a keyboard, but in the long run you'll feel better; just
try to relax.
So I was walking around last night, looking at women
dressed in all kinds of chic clothing, highlighting
attributes they didn't have, and I realized that I don't
care what kind of clothes they're wearing. I think it's
really hot when I see my wife in a pair of sweatpants and a
stained, ripped t-shirt. Who cares about the clothes you're
wearing, I just want to see tits and ass. Ladies, strike a
blow against fashion; the next time you see me walking down
the street, let me know you're on my side, show me your
tits, and stand up for your rights.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday June 15, 2 06
360
IF THE WORDS JAIL AND BAIL DIDN'T RHVM£, THERE'D B£ 1/137 FEWER
SONGS
• Over 5,000 blogs views, that means that my mother,
the police, and the NSA must check my blog 4.6 times
per day, each.
• I'm feeling sick today, so there won't be much to
write about. Just know that even in my sickness, I
love you all very much, and if you close your eyes
and touch yourself, it's like I'm loving you right
now (except your fingers probably aren't greasy) .
• Molotov Cocktails make good neighbors.
• Your mother was right .
• It's easier to invent a lie than investigate the
truth.
• More people hate you than you realize.
• God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying
to see what He ' s thinking would be like an ant
trying to see what I'm thinking. I spent days
watching the ants in my backyard, trying to figure
out which ones were good, and which ones were bad,
but they all just looked like ants, so I started
smiting all of them. I was smiting them with the
garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the
lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I
went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants
could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't
361
have heard them. There was nothing they could do
about it. Really, it's the same with us. There's
nothing we can do about anything either, so why
worry about it? I guess all we can do is live our
lives with as much kindness and decency as possible,
and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a
giant shovel. -Dewey-
• Religious people will say anything to get your
attention.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as
a free lunch.
• Your clothes do not make you any more attractive
than you already are .
• The more expensive the item, the less likely you
need it.
• One dollar is worth a lot more than you think.
• Money and language are the two biggest lies.
• You'll get more out of life if you remember to
squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube
first .
• Don't try putting a price on your loved ones, unless
someone first makes you a good offer.
• There are some things that money can't buy, for
everything else, there's money.
• Playing pretend is fine when you're a child; it's
survival when you're an adult.
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• Someday, worms will eat your corpse.
• This is the best piece of advice anyone will ever
give you.
• Collect your change.
• People like to be surprised, visit someone while
they're sleeping.
• Summer is the hottest time of the year.
• You are not important enough to have a cell phone.
• Right now, the odds are good that someone is having
sex with your ex- lover, your mother, your
grandmother, or your kindergarten teacher.
• Two times two is four, but four times four is
sixteen.
• There are more tacos you will never eat than books
you will never read.
• Quotes from Tolstoy:
• In historical events great men so-called are but
labels serving to give a name to the event, and like
labels they have the least possible connection with
the event itself. Every action of theirs, that seems
to them an act of their own free will, is in an
historical sense not free at all, but in bondage to
the whole course of previous history, and
predestined from all eternity.
• At the approach of danger there are always two
voices that speak with equal force in the heart of
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man: one very reasonably tells the man to consider
the nature of the danger and the means of avoiding
it; the other even more reasonable says that it is
too painful and harassing to think of the danger,
since it is not a man's power to provide for
everything and escape from the general march of
events; and that it is therefore better to turn
aside from the painful subject till it has come, and
to think of what is pleasant. In solitude a man
generally yields to the first voice; in society to
the second.
Dostoevsky :
• Every man has some reminiscences that he would not
tell to everyone, but only to his friends. He has
others that he would not reveal even to his friends,
but only to himself, and that in secret. But finally
there are still others that a man is even afraid to
tell himself, and every decent man has a
considerable number of such things stored away. That
is, one can even say that the more decent he is, the
greater the number of such things in his mind.
• People talk sometimes of a bestial cruelty, but
that's a great injustice and insult to the beasts; a
beast can never be so cruel as a man, so
artistically cruel. The tiger only tears and gnaws,
that's all he can do. He would never think of
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nailing people by the ears, even if he were able to
do it .
• Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to
himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point
where he does not discern any truth either in
himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into
disrespect towards himself and others. Not
respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no
love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse
pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and
in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all
comes from lying continually to others and to
himself. A man who lies to himself is often the
first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good
to take offense, doesn't it? And surely he knows
that no one has offended him, and that he himself
has invented the offense and told lies just for the
beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake
of effect, that he has picked on a word and made a
mountain out of a pea he knows all of that, and
still he is the first to take offense, he likes
feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and
thus he reaches the point of real hostility Do get
up from your knees and sit down, I beg you, these
posturings are false, too.
Sex Mahoney for President.
365
Thursday June 15, 2 06
366
TEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF ANTIBIOTICS WOULDN'T CURE THIS DISEASE
Current mood: W'devious
A few years ago, I opened a calendar that came free with
a magazine (maxim, FHM, tractor pull monthly) and saw a
bunch of hot semi-naked chics.
Most of them, I recognized, but I saw these two, Paris
and Nikki Hilton, and I wondered to myself "I've never heard
of them before, maybe they're a twin act like the Dahm
triplets." Sadly, I was mistaken.
They wouldn't go away those two; I started hearing their
names everywhere, as will often happen. It took about a year
before I asked the question "Why are these two famous?" Now
in that time, Nikki disappeared, but Paris was still in the
limelight, about to receive her own show on the Fox Network
(an honor shared with the likes of Celebrity Boxing, and
Extreme Midget Challenge) . I couldn't find any information
on any acting work that Paris Hilton had done before this
magazine calendar.
The newspapers of two hundred years ago filled their
society pages with information about royalty; the troubled
lives of heirs-to-be. Eventually, the people got so fed up,
hearing about rich people squandering away money, that they
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stormed the Bastille, cut off the king and queen's head, and
created the first European Republic. Most of the objections
immigrants had about the "Old World" revolved around
royalty. Now, America has its very own aristocracy, and if
the Republican congress gets it way, we ' 11 have a permanent
one as well.
The thing that bothered me most about Paris Hilton was
that she had no discernable talents (she can't even suck
dick) and yet she was on television simply because she was
rich. Which brings me to my next point:
Rich people suck.
I get a lot of criticism about that one; people tell me
that the rich are the same as you and I, just whiter.
Material wealth seems to breed disease like a stagnant pool
of water. Any of you who remember the second movie in the
"Planet of the Apes" series, might remember a scene in which
the lead (who looks suspiciously like a more gay Charlton
Heston) attempting to drink water from a variety of stagnant
sources. This man is supposed to be an astronaut. Are you
telling me that all that survival training and government
money couldn't teach the simple fact "Don't drink unmoving
water." Even as a child, gazing over the surface of a small
pond, caked in algae and scum, I knew better than to wet my
lips with that filth.
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Paris Hilton is like the scum that settles on top of
money, which is different than the scum that settles on top
of water, because that scum will eventually feed small fish
and maybe birds, thus serving a purpose. Paris Hilton is
less than pond scum, and yet, Americans are willing to pay
to see her sing, act, and get fucked (I saw the latter one,
but I didn't pay for it) . It makes me want to start my own
business where I siphon water off the top of small ponds and
sell it at ten dollars a liter. I'll call it Paris Hilton
and tell people it doesn't have any carbs .
Look back over the years and you'll see that the best
artists are the ones who had side jobs; that doesn't include
Queen Elizabeth I and others, who wrote the shittiest poetry
this side of Albany. Rich people have had plenty of time,
throughout history, to try their hand at making art and pass
it off to the citizens at a reasonable price (9.50 to go see
King Kong?) . The public keeps buying it for reasons way
beyond my limited thinking capacity, I can't even figure out
why Paris Hilton is famous or why the Republican Congress
doesn't feel she should pay taxes on her inheritance.
So what do we get when the rich turn TV into their
playground? It's called "The Simple Life" and if you haven't
seen it, then consider yourself lucky, and forget I ever
mentioned anything. If you have seen it, it will be okay;
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she has to die someday, I promise. I may not see it when we
get there, but I have seen the mountaintop. I have seen the
Promised Land, and her fucking grandchildren are already
they're consuming the best resources.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday June 16, 2 06
370
WHY ARE YOU STILL THE POINT GUARD GH/£ SOMEONE ELSE THE BALL
Current mood: ©nerdy
What a long weekend. I was sick for most of it, some kind
of cold or sore throat, or who knows what, but I seem to be
on the up and up now. I started this new blog after my old
Myspace account went bye-bye, back in October, and I've got
180 blog posts. That's almost one per day, a little less (I
admit, I've been slacking recently) .
I write a lot, but never as much as I should. I should
write every free minute I have, but I've got vices.
Sometimes I read, sometimes I sit in bed with my wife and
watch television, sometimes I just play with my dick and
pretend like I don't have anything else to do (for those of
you who don't like my writing, then that's probably the most
productive part of my day) .
I've read a lot of writer's biographies and most of them
wrote every day, which means that I'm close to being a real
writer, but not quite yet. There are still some days when I
just can't put my fingers on the keyboard. Maybe if I was
good at keeping schedules or I was more determined, I'd
write more or more frequently, but I can't even remember to
brush my teeth some days . How do you expect me to write the
great American-Korean novel like that?
371
One of the best books I've ever read is an unpublished
journal written by TS Eliot called "Inventions of the March
Hare." It was his private journal and he gave it to a friend
on the promise that he never publish the thing. Well, TS
Eliot is dead and I believe his friend is dead too, so when
the friend's children found it they were like "Fuck Dad,
we're taking this one to the bank." It's an easy thing to
do; you don't want to piss on the spirit of Genghis Khan,
but who cares about pissing off a poet. Even as a ghost,
they're not intimidating.
I can't remember the last modern book I read (I think it
was "The Da Vinci Code" and that was a while ago) , but a
friend that just absconded from Korea left a few behind for
me. I'm reading a book called "The Blind Man of Seville."
It's a detective story that takes place somewhere (I'm not
quite sure where) . I'm not far into it yet, but it seems
okay.
For the last week I've been watching movies, getting
ready for my weekly movie review. I want to introduce more
weekly features to the blog, so I write with a purpose most
of the days (I work better under guidelines) and I've
already filled up three days. The new shepherd's calendar
will go up on Thursdays, the new woman chapter will go up on
Wednesdays, the movie reviews will go up on Tuesdays. I'm
372
looking for something to post on Mondays or Fridays . One of
those days will be a free blog, where I bore you with my
mindless drivel (like I'm doing now) . I'll take reader
requests on what you'd like to read for one of those days.
Just don't push me too hard, I'm an artist, and remember,
I've never been able to keep a schedule in my life. Except
masturbating, that's the only thing I seem to do regularly.
Go figure.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday June 19, 2 06
373
we ur iwe.se. little DiFFeaetices tear us apart
Current mood: ©mischievous
The other day, Mercedes and I went to dinner at a Kalbi
restaurant. Kalbi is Korean barbeque where the staff brings
you a bowl full of meat and other things that you cook in
the middle of your table. We ordered sangyupsal (think
bacon, but not smoked) and bokumbap (fried rice) . It was
delicious .
Bokumbap requires some preparation. The server takes a
bowl of rice, veggies, and sauce; dumps it on the grill; and
mixes it around. Then the server makes a small indentation
in the rice and drops in an egg and covers the whole magilla
with small slices of seaweed. You are then free to mix the
contents around as you see fit.
In between the rice mixing and the addition of the egg,
our server turned away from the table, sneezed into her
hands, and went right back to mixing everything together. At
the time, I was sick and I remarked to Mercedes that it was
no wonder if this was par for the course in Korea. In truth,
I didn't really care.
How many of you consider yourself hygienic? Sure, soap
has allowed some major breakthroughs in medical technology,
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but its importance is over-valued on a daily basis. Soap is
a chemical used to kill life, sure it may just be bacterial
life, but try eating soap and see how much nutrients you get
from it before you start vomiting profusely.
America is insane for soap, there's soap everywhere and
now they even have hand "sanitizer" in most places. There's
a quick and easy was to sanitize your hands and it's free.
The next time you have to go to the bathroom, piss on your
hands; now they're sanitized.
Why the obsession with cleanliness? As a student of
literature, one of the techniques for dissecting a character
is to understand their fears by chasing them to the source,
and the source is usually a contradiction of the behavior.
The thief who believes that someone is always trying to
steal from him, the philanderer who constantly thinks he ' s
being cuckolded. One of the readings we can take from these
obsessive types is that they are cleaning themselves because
they are dirty in a much deeper sense .
The Puritan influence in America is still very prevalent,
and if you doubt that, go down to your local library with a
friend and start sucking each other's dicks in the
periodical section. Chances are good that someone is going
to stop you before long, and you'll be taken to prison,
where the first thing they do to you, is give you a shower.
375
There ' s more dirt here than can be washed away by soap
and water; there's a problem deep in the America psyche that
needs to be washed clean. A long time ago, a friend asked me
why it was dangerous for the government to lie to its
citizens, and I told him the same thing I'm about to tell
you. A lie is like stepping on a nail and leaving the nail
embedded in your skin. The initial lie causes damage, to be
sure, but the longer it remains in the body, the more damage
it does, the more it starts to fester. We all have our lies,
and the sooner we get rid of them, the better we ' 11 all
feel.
So the next time you see your parents, tell them the
truth; tell them how you feel about them. The next time you
see your boss, let them know what you're thinking. And then
when you're sitting in the cold, unemployed, you'll know
whose to blame... all those fucking germs. Now get to a
bathroom and scrub, damnit .
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday June 22, 2 06
376
I AM THE YOU IN YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
Current mood: ©predatory
I was riding my bike today and I started to hum "You
Ought to Know," that old Alanis Morissette song. Look past
the fact that I was humming Alanis Morissette and follow me
on a very bizarre journey.
When I was ten years old, I read in the newspaper about
Jeffrey Dahmer. Now I was a relatively innocent young boy,
sure I knew about bukkake and glory holes, but there are
some things that you can't learn in a confession booth with
a catholic priest. So my father explained a lot of the terms
in the article that I didn't understand, like sodomy; it
wasn't the most pleasant explanation, but it answered all my
questions .
A few years later, I was listening to the radio and I
heard Alanis Morissette ' s song on the radio and the censored
a part of her song. I'm sure all of you of the appropriate
age remember "go down on you in a theater." I was fixated on
that line for the longest time, because it made me feel very
hot (as most things like. . . a gust of wind in the right
directions will do to a fourteen year old boy) , especially
in the acoustic version of the song when she says it all
slow, but I couldn't figure out why it was censored. On the
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radio, on MTV, all over the place, no one would let Alanis
say "down," the go they kept.
I thought back to the day I read about Jeffrey Dahmer,
eating a man's penis (which is very similar to, but in a
totally different ballpark than what Alanis suggests) and
reading about it in the newspaper.
I'm always outraged by the things people choose to
censor, because information should be free to everyone.
When I was in seventh grade, my history teacher told me
that slaves were not allowed to read during the days of
American slavery, and I couldn't understand why. She told me
that ignorance is the easiest way to keep people in bondage.
Sex is the primary target of censors, even if you say
that "dirty" words also receive their ire, you have to admit
that of the seven dirty words (shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits) only two do not refer to
sex (but that's not really fair because they refer to sex
organs) . Controlling information keeps people in bondage. If
we don't tell kids about sex, then we can control their sex.
I used to think that this was a ridiculous concept;
trying to stop children from thinking about, having, and
talking about sex is like trying to stop traffic with a
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lollipop, but it seems that more people buy into this idea
than I thought. How many of you were allowed to have members
of the opposite sex sleep over when you were a teen?
My question, to the establishment, is: "Why shield the
public from a movie theater blowjob (tawdry yes, harmful
no), but not from the behaviors of a serial killer?"
I don't think people want to stop serial killing, for the
same reason they won't give up their religion. Almost
everyone thinks they're right, and the belief in God is
their unconscious desire to exact revenge on all the people
they feel deserve vengeance (all those murderers and
adulterers) . If you don't believe me, go watch the movie
"Frailty," now that's some scary shit. Serial killers are
the dark obsessive urge within all of us that wants to roam
the streets and pick people off like cattle. We all know how
easy human beings die (all of you have plucked a flies wings
at one time or another) ; we just want to see it in action.
I like to talk about both sex and killing (which is
partly the reason why I'm not a teacher in America anymore)
because they're fun subjects to play around with. When I
talk about them, I drain them of their mysterious power, I
turn them into jokes, and while it's sad that your mother is
dead, it's fucking hilarious that she was devoured by a pack
of angry squirrels.
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You can't censor nature, and fucking is the nature of
man; we fuck and we kill. We probably should be more careful
with both, but if you try to take away my natural rights,
I'll fucking kill you.
So what is it that ' s so offensive about getting blown in
a theater that isn't about eating another man's penis? dot,
dot, dot
You're not allowed to bring outside food into a movie
theater.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday June 22, 2 06
380
THE RESULTS ARE IN... I SUCK (AND YOU MIGHT TOO, YOU JUST DON'T
KNOW IT YZV
Current mood: t^blank
The results from the screenplay competition are in and I
decided to post the reviews I got, for your edification.
Revenge of the Prom Weekend
1.
The movie starts with Kurt getting anally raped by a police
officer in order to stay out of prison. Instead of having
this event effect him, Kurt forgets about it and goes on
with his life. This moment does not set the tone for the
piece, and in fact is entirely pointless to both the plot
and whatever little subtext exists in the piece. The
characters in the movie all have no depth. They are
stereotypes (jock, whore, etc.) and experience little
growth, unless sexual growth is counted, and it really
shouldn't be. As a reader, I felt no attachment to the
characters, and was so disturbed by the first few pages of
the piece that I couldn't even pretend to enjoy the horrible
pages that followed. This movie relies on gross out humor to
make the audience laugh, and all it succeeds in doing is
alienating them. Sometimes stupid humor can be funny, and
sometimes it is just disgusting, pointless, and forgettable.
This movie falls into the second category.
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2 .
I don't even know where to begin. This is the second entry I
have read that is written by Mr. Rich Goldstein. I will
complement him on the fact that this screenplay does at
least work much better as a script on the formatting level.
This is also structurally a more intact and focused story
than the previous script I read by him. However, this script
is morally reprehensible. And I don't use such terms
lightly. I can put up with a lot. But this script ventured
in to some pretty hard-core porn at times. One problem that
seems to be one that the author has yet to over come in his
writing is that he has yet to come up with a character I
care about. None of the characters in this script were
interesting or compelling. I just couldnt like Jess because
she was so over the top, so unbelievable. Is anyone that
much of a slut and so completely okay with it. Why does Kurt
like her if shes such a slut? I just cant see what he likes
about her. This ruins my ability to care at all about the
central conflict of this screenplay. I was offended by the
incident of rape at the beginning of the script . What a
crude and heartless way to deal with such a topic. A police
officer rapes Kurt and then the subject is dropped, and Kurt
is okay, apparently. I guess I was supposed to laugh, but I
just cringed and nearly puked. Does the author have no
respect for such issues and the many people who bear life
long emotional scares from such horrible encounters? Mr.
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Goldstein should be ashamed of himself! Why is it that we
need more script like this? Well, the truth is, we dont . My
advice to Mr. Goldstein is that he spend some serious time
should searching and trying to understand who he is and what
he whishes to offer the world through his screenwriting . We
dont need any more glorifications of teen wanton sexuality
and drug use. If thats all one has to offer in the way of
stories and concepts and characters, then I feel sincerely
sorry for such a person. Such stories are a dime a dozen.
Anyone can do that. I hope some day Mr. Goldstein comes up
with a truly originals idea and has something truly
beautiful to say through it. Until that day, I hope I am
never forced to read another of his screenplays again. I
know this sounds harsh, but I always try to enter a new
script of movie with the highest of expectations. When Im
let down so thoroughly as I was with this script, I feel
justified in being so harsh.
3.
this was tough script for me to read. I guess it is just not
my type of movie, so I can't really give any good criticism,
the structure was there and the dialog for that type of
genre is difinitely there. The characters did seem to be
different and have their own sense of dimensionality. Again,
I apologize, but this is not my type of movie, good
Luck
383
Poor Rich
1.
The author seems to have a strong grasp on who his
characters are, but the lack of description of both setting
and character makes it hard for the reader to figure out
exactly who the characters are and what their lives are
like. I would personally like to know what the drug dealers
house looks like, for example. As I finished the script, I
realized that I had mistaken the plot and the subplot. I had
thought that the plot was about Rich trying to hook up with
Veronica when really the movie was about what the drug
dealer said to Rich, since that ends the movie. For this
reason, and because the movie starts almost too slowly, I
would suggest that the part of the first drug dealer scene
where he tries to sell Rich oregano followed by the acid
scene be the way the movie starts. This introduces the
audience quickly to the character and his two problems ( life
and Veronica) , as well as the most interesting character in
the script, the drug dealer, and starts the movie off with a
bang, instead of just having it end with one. The end was
also slow, in that the last scene between Dimitry and
Mercedes could have come earlier, allowing the end to rush
up upon the audience. Lastly, I felt that the winning
lottery ticket at the end was almost a gimmick. Only
infrequently is money ever mentioned in the script although
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it is mentioned in the title. This confused me. Is the
script about Rich not realizing what he has in life and thus
being poor, and the money thing is not as important? Either
way, money should at least be discussed so that the dual
nature of the title is more evident.
2 .
I wont lie. This script was just plain AWEFUL! Im not one
for being overly harsh on someone elses writing without a
very good reason. This script gave me thousands of reasons.
Let me start by commenting some of the story. I noticed that
the names of the authors correspond to the names of the main
characters. Thus, I understand that this may or may not be
fully or partially based on actual events (the quality of
the writing leads me to believe that there were heavy drugs
involved as this was written) . Regardless of whether or not
this is based of actual events, this is a piss poor story.
The characters are completely undeveloped. I didnt care an
ounce for any of them, so if Id been in a movie theater
watching this, I would probably have walked out of there out
of sheer boredom and apathy. Not only that, this story lacks
any sense of structure. The first twenty pages of the script
have nothing to do with developing a story or character. Its
just random chatter that nearly put me to sleep. I fail to
understand why this script was written. So Rich go the girl
in the end. And he learned a lesson, though I certainly dont
see any evidence of that. Hes still a pothead idiot. He
385
tears up the winning lottery ticket in some sort of attempt
to disconnect from the material world around him. Maybe I
have to be high too to understand the pseudo-philosophical
mumbo- jumbo the Dealer was going on and on about. This is
just a thrown together half-assed attempt at a screenplay.
The authors dont even know proper screenwriting format. A
few words on formatting for the authors: Dont write in ACT
ONE, SCENE ONE. Theres no need for that in a screenplay.
Always give the approximate ages of the characters and a
brief physical description when you first introduce them. If
you are writing scenes that involve a phone conversation,
you have to establish a new location and indicated that it
will inter-cut as needed or have one of the characters lines
always labeled as voice over. The main conflict of the
script should appear very quickly. In this script, it does
not appear until page 22 . You cant do that or the audience
will be screaming, Give me back the last twenty minutes of
my life! Act One actually ends when your main character make
a choice related to the main conflict of the script. But,
again, you dont actually label that in a screenplay. Some of
the dialogue appeared as action lines, spreading to the
outer margins. Thats just completely unprofessional.
Unacceptable! Dont go on for pages and pages with dialogue
and no description of action. Somethings happening. Are we
to believe this would all be shot as one shot only? No
cutting? Never, never, never start a scene without a
description of what the audience is seeing. On pg 76, there
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is a slug line identifying the location, and then Rich
starts talking. Unacceptable! There are many more problems
with this script, but I dont feel that they are worth going
into. I dont have the time or energy. What my best
recommendation for the authors of this script would be is
this: Look at the books that are being given as prizes in
this screenplay competition and go out and buy three of them
(sorry, you dont have snowballs chance in hell of actually
winning this competition with this script) . Read those
carefully and study the craft of screenwriting . Get your
hands on good screenplays, read them, and study them.
Finally, screenwriting is a demanding craft. If you arent
willing to bust your ass learning to do it right, just dont
bother.
3.
I liked this script. The first thing I have to say is how
refreshing it is to see both male and female characters
written in a way I know them to be. Many times, when men
write female characters, all the jopkes and interaction are
given to the men, and the woman get short changed. But here,
the female characters are verbally slicing and dicing just
as much as the male characters. Another aspect I liked was
the dealer not being the run of the mill toothless junkie
getting high and selling just to feed his addiction. I've
met several a dealer in my day (strictly for investigative
purposes), and they're not all crack heads. The dialogue was
387
pretty realistic to me, though everyone may not agree. That
is how friends talk to each other in this day and age, so
that I enjoyed as well. The negatives? Well, I think you
could add maybe 10 pages showing more of Rich's struggle
with Victoria .. really hammer it home how much of a wimp he
is with her, which would make his turnabout that much more
dramatic in the end. Also, it seems the dealer kills
himself, but that needs to be a little more clear. It comes
off as kind of surreal, like maybe Rich is imagining that
happening. Some of the longer dialogue blocks need to be
broken up with an action, just to break up the big block of
dialogue that producers hate.. HATE. Believe me. There are
some formatting issues, but I suspect those are from the PDF
conversion, so no points off there. Grammar was good too. In
the end, I can see this being made into a movie. Just fix it
up a little, and I think you may have a winner. Good job
guys .
The Adventures of Sex Mahoney
1.
Comedies like this can potentially be hits, which is one of
the most depressing things about this country they can also
be horrid flops. My personal opinion is that screenplays
like this are awful (so stupid it's funny never made me
laugh), but most people don't agree with me. That said, if
we assume the style is good, then the screenplay isn't bad.
388
Since I can't really advise on this type of screenplay, the
only thing I can tell you to do is fix up the format. Read
this website through http://www.storysense.com/format.htm
and do the necessary heavy editing of your script format.
Also, proofread for grammar and spelling mistakes. Even with
a screenplay of this style, most production companies would
throw it in the trash without reading it if you didn't care
enough to get the formatting right. Notes while reading: 1)
Page 2 : in a screenplay, an ellipsis should be written as
three consecutive periods (...), not an ellipsis character
() . 2) Review screenplay format. "SCENE 1" is a superfluous
title, and scene heading format should should like this:
"INT. PRISON DISPENSARY - DAY", spaces and all. Characters
introduced in action should be in ALL CAPS, followed by
their age enclosed in commas. 3) Write only what can be seen
or heard. Write "Sex Mahoney goes to the phone and dials"
rather than "...calls his father's bar." Look up how to
write a phone conversation. 4) Proofread! Error Page 8: "Sex
hopes" = "Sex hops". 5) Whenever you change locations, you
need a new scene heading. Sex exits the bar on page 10, so
you should have a new scene heading starting with "EXT." 6)
The mention of sodomy isn't funny, it's just awkward. 7)
Error page 15: "capitol A to the r..." I think you mean
"capital". 8) Call each character by only one name. Don't
say "Sheik" sometimes and "MC" other times. 9) Since when
are strangers brave and giving enough to act as diversions?
10) Milk jugs aren't that dangerous. Perhaps large cans of
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some kind? 11) Error Page 22: Constance sneaks up and hits
Sex in the head twice. Look over than section. 12) Saying
New Brunswick is the center of all crime is far from true
and not all that funny, as it doesn't have such a
reputation. Perhaps you should say Newark? 13) Hey, I live
in Highland Park! 14) Highland Park and New Brunswick are
comparatively quiet, and the Jews keep to themselves. I know
"bad-ass" folk from New Brunswick, and... Jews? Come on. Now
that that's out of the way, I'm sure you're kidding, but it
isn't funny. (Snatch, anyone?) Vulgarity and violence alone
are not funny! 15) Page 49: the student center? Where did
that come from? Busch student center? While you're specific
enough to say New Brunswick, you should say what park and
what student center. 16) It would be an amusing inside joke
if Larry contracted a hideous, full-body skin disease from
his dip in the Raritan. 17) Page 66: Sex races through
exactly which dorms?
2 .
This is movie is a cross between Harold and Kumar Go to
Whitecastle and The Big Lebowski . It has interesting
characters with fun names, but it also lacks polish. The
overuse of the sodomy joke is vaguely humerous, but after a
while, ceases to be funny. The only truly funny part of the
movie that made me laugh out loud was the racist police
officers in the park. This moment was completely unexpected,
and thats what made it so funny. If the rest of the movie
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was up to that quality, it could become a cult classic. As
it is, the movie has a winy main character without a cool
catch phrase (even saying Rock and Roll all the time would
be better than some of his one liners) , side characters who
are more interesting than the main characters, and an ending
straight out of a Greek tragedy. If the author could connect
more with the main character and make his story more
interesting to watch than the other characters back stories,
the movie would be much better.
3.
No character descriptions is REAL annoying for the reader.
Sure, maybe YOU know what they look like, but I don't! None
of the jokes are funny and the incessant sarcasm from every
character is completely unrealistic. How much money does Sex
owe Antone? If Boobs "could have pulled off the supermarket
job herself", why didn't she well before Sex got released
from prison? Can't any character stay consistant for two
seconds? First, Sex is care-free la-dee-da, then
repentative, then back to his old self. Boobs hates Sex, but
then she follows him around, then she ditches him, then she
says she's sorry, then she hates him again! 100 times less
funny than that stupid Adam Goldberg Super Jew flop. And
somewhere, you screwed up on your questions. I've been
trying to answer them for the past half hour! I hate you
even more now!
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The Worst Thing
1.
First I must say you need to cut down the non-dialoge. It
goes on for pages and pages. Directions should be concise
and direct and you use the phrase "the spell is broken" like
four or five times. The characters in this story seem
completely implausible every one of them have emotions that
come out of no where and dissappear instantly. No one seems
to have any real depth. Brendan is so obssessed with Helen
but completely disregards her? Elaine spends her life
covetting Jon but just gives up so quickly? Jon wants to
kill Helen then kills himself when he finds he can't have
her? The character of Elaine seems particularly illogical
are we to assume she just waits infront of Jon's buisness
with a van full of goons everyday? I mean where does she get
this time and resources? She's in teh FBI... so what. If
she's an agent she's got missions she needs to be doing. Why
is she so obsessed with Jon they were never even a couple?
Likewise does Mark not have clients? What kind of lawyer can
spend a day playing paper football in Canada waiting for
some guy tto justify his old friend's insane desire. What's
up with Brendan's cocaine addiction? You don't just do
cocaine once. It's mentioned once and never again. People
don't randomly do cocaine while strangers run about there
apartment unless they're addicts in which case there should
be references to it later. Brendan's revenge plan is
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ridiculous. Buisness is not high school. I'm gonna gossip
and steal his buisness isn't quite the ultimate revenge. The
characters of Peter and Gaberiel? WTF? They just wander
about and do nothing and waste screen time. The ending seems
COMPLETELY like you felt you need a twist so added one that
doesn't make sense. Peter and Gaberiel acted entirely on
oppurtunity just based on the circumstances They couldn't
have had a plot with Mark. It doesn't make sense. I'm sorry.
I realize it seems like a lot but this plot just seemed so
illogical. I recommend you do some major revising.
2 .
These comments are from one writer to another. I have now
read four of your scripts, and my comments about them are
all pretty much the same. I'm not trying to be a jerk when I
write these comments, but there are a couple of key areas
you could improve upon in order to make your writing
better. There were moments of this movie that drew me in.
Most of these moments were between Jon and Helen at the
beginning of the movie, when they were getting to know each
other. Then Jon tells Helen she can never see Brendan again,
and whatever empathy I had toward his character disappeared,
and I began to sympathize with Brendan-until a few pages
later when he commits some horrible and incredibly unclear
act to Nikki . It was at this point that I realized that none
of the characters really had redeeming qualities-they were
all self centered uncaring sociopaths, and I did not care
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one bit about what was going to happen to them. Brendans
reasons for revenge are no where near well developed enough
to justify what he does. The movie is incredibly slow-it
starts slow, and it just drags on and on and on. There is
too much dialogue- many lines would be better if they were
stated once simply, or not at all stated and just expressed
in a visual way. Some of the dialogue sounds as if it was
pulled from an old play script, and does not fit with the
story at all. The plot is lacking, the character motivations
are weak or non-existent and the ancillary characters that
tie everything together are unnessecary. The author would
have been better off to stick with a story about Brendan,
Helen, and Jon, give them all good qualities, take out the
drug use that is prevalent in almost all of his work, and
just told a love story. And please, please, please, please,
please: Draw the audience in within the first couple of
pages with an INTERESTING scene that sets up the characters
and the conflict. You will have a much easier time with the
characters and plot development afterward, and the movie
will start on a high note (and only get better from there!)
instead of just trying to build toward one. And stop trying
to alienate your audience with characters doing shocking
things. There is only a small audience of people who want to
see that kind of film, and most of your writing is not funny
or engaging enough to draw that audience. Overall, an
incredible disappointment.
394
3.
The writing was amatuerish and unconvincing, with absolutely
no understanding of character, plot, or drama. The format
was, in many places, jumbled and unreadable, riddled with
grammatical and spelling errors, and completely not in
keeping with scriptwriting fundamentals (brevity, short
blocks of dialogue or action, simple sentences, cinematic
style, etc.) . There was little motivation for any of the
characters actions -- I would point out specifics, but all
the characters lacked specivity, detail, humor, surprises.
In short, this was deeply flawed from the first page and I
recommend a complete re -imagining of the story or throw it
out altogether.
Hope you enjoyed that, just as much as I did.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday June 26, 2 06
395
THE SUN IS NOT VtllOW, IT'S CHICKEN
Current mood : ©okay
The woman story will be delayed this week, while I work
on student evaluations. I've got a good one though, and it's
all mapped out, too bad you can't climb inside my head and
wrap your eyes around it.
The last week in Korea has been great . Thursday was
Mercedes ' s birthday and we went out for a big celebratory
night. We started with a power hour. Went to a place called
Boom Bar, where we had cake and Long Island Iced Teas. After
that, we made fools of ourselves at the Noraebang and
finished up the night watching soccer at Pirate Bar.
I love Korea, the only thing America has over it is
friends, but I'm sure that if we stayed out here long enough
we'd probably make a friend or two, and if we stayed in
America much longer, I don't know that I'd have any friends
left (so I'm not the easiest person to get along with, maybe
I'd be nicer if you didn't suck) . It's nice to be out of the
states, taking a powder for a while.
Last weekend, I got to place D&D with my friends back
home, and while that does technically make me a geek, it
also makes you (who call me a geek) closed minded. I love my
396
wife for trying D&D before she realized that she didn't like
it, how many of you out there, just bad mouth because that's
what you're supposed to do to geeks (closed minded prick) .
We also said goodbye to a new friend, Sara. She was very
nice and put up with us for quite a while (much longer than
I could put up with me) before fleeing the country to go
back home to Scotland, I don't know if she left screaming, I
only saw her the day before she left. Still plenty of time
to get a good scream going, one that could last well after
you've left the country.
Get out of my head, you weirdo. I'm too tired to get hung
up on sex and violence without mucking around in all this
waste product. You'd think that people would have more
important things to do with their time, but they don't. They
sit around masturbating until Wheel of Fortune starts to
look entertaining and then they curse everyone else and sit
in padded pastel chairs until it's time to die. When did
change become a bad thing? When you were a child you
relished change, and it was a part of your life, but now
that you're an adult the smallest difference is enough to
throw you into a tizzy. Is this autobiographical or
pseudoscienceradical? The best thing about people who
pretend to be deep is that they end up in over their heads.
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A little free form literary jism, or the Montezuma's
Vocabulary Revenge, if that's more to your taste. I don't
know about you, but jism isn't all that bad. It's a lot
better than shit in your mouth, not that I'll criticize
anyone's pastime.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday June 27, 2 06
398
MY ARMPITS SMELL THE BEST
Okay, if you're not getting a story this week, you may as
well swallow more idiotic ramblings, what else am I good at
if not rambling like an idiot.
I love stories; they make me feel like life isn't so bad.
Sometimes I think life is pretty bad, but I'm always happy
about it, that's one thing that I and the psychotic tour
guides at Disney World have in common. I've got a pretty
positive outlook on life and I love to smile and laugh. Sure
it ' s a defense mechanism against all the pain and suffering
in my life and the world at large, but that's not important
right now. What is important is that I like to laugh and I
love to smile.
There are a lot of people out there who don't know how to
smile, like the President.
Okay, maybe that's a cheap shot, I'm sure Bush knows how
to smile, but I'm sure he doesn't know how to laugh.
Laughter is such a cleansing thing, if you can't laugh at
yourself then you're nothing, or course part of laughing at
yourself is realizing that you are nothing, but that's
beside the point. Who takes themselves so seriously that
they can't have a good laugh at their own expense?
399
I've got a friend who can't laugh at himself, he tries to
(like many of us do) , but when you criticize him, he falls
to pieces; he gets argumentative and defensive, classic
signs of a poor self-image. Of course, even if something is
untrue and you deny it, you are being defensive, so what can
you do?
There's an old Hoja story about a man and his son taking
a trip with a donkey. It's hot so Hoja tells his son to ride
the donkey, but they see some people who say that the kid is
a bastard for making his old man walk. They switch places.
Then they pass some people who say the old man is a bastard
for making his kid walk. So they both get off the donkey and
decide to walk. Finally, they pass some people who call them
idiots for walking when one of them could be riding the
donkey .
I hope you get the message from this story. It's not a
hard one to figure out. Shortly after hearing the third
group of people, Hoja and his son realized what the problem
was... that fucking donkey. So they took turns having sex
with the donkey and finally killed it, drank its blood, and
danced in its skin until someone came to arrest them for
being weird. Hoja laughed all the way to jail.
400
Madmen laugh. My biggest fear is that someday I'll start
laughing and I won't be able to stop (it's actually my
second biggest, but I don't think I'll run into Dick Cheney
in a dark alley anytime soon) . I used to trip a lot and
there were times when I felt like the trip would never end,
that I was permanently mad and could never be normal again,
but of course that's just a myth. If you realize that you're
crazy, then you can't be crazy. When the real madness comes,
you think it's as natural as breathing.
I love stories because I wish I was interesting, in the
absence of interest, I have to make things up to make myself
interesting or to interest other people long enough for me
to steal their wallets. If we've met recently and you can't
find your wallet, the above statement was just a joke and I
didn't really take your wallet. I did have sex with your
significant other and/or mother.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday June 29, 2 06
401
THE JUNKVARDS ARE UTTEReD WITH THE BODIES OF HIGH SCHOOL
PITCHERS WHO COULD THROW 83 MPH
Current mood: ©shocked
Greatness and Genius are two very hard things by which to
come. I wish I could be great, but sadly, the best I'll ever
be is advanced mediocre. There are better, more capable
people out there who will be more successful than yours
truly, but why should any of that matter.
From the moment we're born, we've got a death sentence
hanging over us like the butter knife of Damn O'Cleese, that
Irish satirist; why bother working at all. Why bother with
beliefs and pronouncements? Better lives for the children? A
perfect world for you and me?
Because we're all crazy, every last one of us . A bunch of
bat -shit mad monkeys wandering the face of the planet
inventing reasons why we're better than the animals and
slaughtering each other en masse.
I can understand why people don't want to believe in
evolution... at least I can understand why people don't want
to believe they evolved from apes or monkeys (that is a
vestigial tail in your backside) . What I didn't understand
was how people could refute the concept of evolution in
402
general. Thing evolve, seems simple enough doesn't it. If
you don't evolve you die out. If things didn't evolve we'd
still be using muskets and burning witches at the stake.
Of course, you could make the argument that modern human
society is a de-evolution from previous generations
considering that previous generations lived in a rich
tropical paradise where they never died, but that runs
contrary to the edict in the bible, be fruitful and
multiply.
The bible is the best piecemeal book in the world.
Someday I'm going to start a religion where I write a bunch
of hate rhetoric in very tiny ink on wafer thin pages and
put Chinese fortune cookie slogans in bold red letters at
the top of every page. I'll bet you that in a thousand
years people will think I was a peaceful man.
Last summer, I was running around my apartment naked and
I was struck by the animalistic nature of my body, it could
be a coincidence (God might have been tired from all that
creating) , but we do look an awful lot like animals, even
dogs .
I'd like to think I'm a great writer, I'd like to tell
people that I'm the best writer the world has ever seen (and
I do, quite often) , but the truth of the matter is that
403
someday everything I've written will blow away on the wind.
Just like Humphrey Bogart at the end of "Sierra Madre . " The
difference between Bogie and me is that I know how to have
fun, and you do too, but if you're not having any, then you
just don't know it.
George W. Bush would like to think he protects America
from terrorists, I'd like to think I'm a great writer, and
most of us would like to think we're good people, but none
of the above is true. There are no good people, no bad ones
either, we're just animals. Good and bad don't apply to us
any more than they do to ants and trees.
The thing that makes us great and genius, comes for a
minute and then passes us by. Some of you may have already
had your genius moment, the shitty thing about being human
is that you don't know if it's already passed until years
after the fact, and sometimes you think you've had it, but
the best is yet to come. I'd like to think that I'll be in a
constant state of ignorance until the very moment of my
death, when I'll look back at my life and see all the goods
things I've done, the greatness I've accomplished, but most
likely I'll just shit myself and die. The thing about change
is that it affects no one but us, and when it comes, it
doesn't really change much of anything; but if that's true,
then why are people so afraid of change .
404
When we were kids we used to accept change, it was a part
of our lives as natural as breathing, but when we're adults
we fear it like a plague. If you've got something in your
life that you couldn't walk away from, then you're taking
yourself too seriously. Change doesn't feel like anything.
Do you feel older on your birthday? How many addicts relapse
after AA? You can't feel change like you can cold water.
That's why people are afraid of change, because it could be
happening right now, and you wouldn't even know it. So be
careful all you homophobes and compassionate conservatives,
by the time you realize it you'll all be dick gobbling,
carpet munching homos and liberals.
Take a step back, take a deep breath, and then look at
how much you'd be worth if you disappeared tomorrow.
If you can look yourself in the mirror and say "Nothing."
Then you're doing all right.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday June 30, 2 06
405
LIFE IS MUCH TO PRECIOUS TO SPEND FIGHTING WARS THESE DAYS
Current mood: ©nauseated
Category: News and Politics
Mercedes and I went to the Korean War museum this
weekend, and it was like all the war museums I've visited in
my life (which is a lot, that seems to be what most museums
are about) . On the way there, I mentioned a book I was
reading to Mercedes, and she told me that she didn't know
about the Spanish Civil War.
I thought back on all the history I know (and I know a
lot of history) . I like to read and most of what we people
like to write is history, because history is mostly stories
and stories make up histories. It turns out that I know a
lot about wars, who fought in them, who commanded the
armies, how many died, and what were the consequences. It
makes me a little sad.
Mercedes has a lot of disdain for artistic types (myself
included) and their artistic mediums. She doesn't see the
point of all that creativity. I tell her that art is
important to society because it allows people to create
beauty, and she tells me to shut up and do something useful.
I love her for that. Artists have a tendency to get full of
themselves (not me though, I'm as humble as can be) because
406
they think art has some kind of sublime meaning, as if it
will unlock the secrets of the universe. I like to think of
people like Mercedes telling them to shut up and clean the
garage; it's what keeps me going.
When Mercedes asked me why she should bother to know
about Spanish history, the only thing I could think to tell
her was that tired old axiom "Those who don't learn from
history are doomed to repeat it." As with all objects, taken
out of the closet and dusted off, that one is still one of
my favorite quotes.
Read "The Monk's Tale" from the Canterbury Tales (go
ahead, read it in modern English, I won't think any less of
you imbeciles); it's all a collection of people who were in
a good place, fucked up, and suffered because of it.
Eventually, the other people cut the monk off and tell him
that his story is too depressing.
I try to think about people who advocate war (for
whatever reason) and wonder how much history they remember.
I think about all the stories of war I've read in my life
and every time it seems as if no one remembers anything
about them or no one would ever march off to war. If art has
a purpose, it's to let people know what life was like at a
particular time, in a particular place; occasionally, art
breaks through its time limitations and lasts for ever (or
407
at least a very long time) . I've always thought of art in
terms of story, and I used to exclude painting and
sculpture, but I'm a little older and wiser now and they can
include stories too. I don't like art for art's sake, that's
too much like masturbating. Don't get me wrong, masturbating
is plenty fun, but only for the person doing it. I've never
met anybody who was so good at jerking off that other people
would want to see it (even those pornos where people
masturbate are boring) , except for the guy or girl who can
go down on themselves.
The only war stories that strike me as meaningful are the
ones told by Russian soldiers, the ones who fought off
Napoleon and Hitler. There you have a country that was
attacked (with an army, only America is dumb enough to think
that planes flying into buildings counts as an attack) and
fought back with everything they had. Soldiers in Russia
lined up to die by the millions just to protect their
country; I don't think America would be so lucky.
I wanted to write a blog about the evil of war, but this
turned into a cheerleading session for history and art; at
best, it doesn't say much of anything (a little too
masturbatory for my tastes) so if I don't say something
meaningful soon anyone reading this would have better spent
their time touching their genitals.
408
Is it so hard to learn from your mistakes? When I was a
kid, I used to lie all the time, lie, lie, lie, lie lie. I
lied constantly. When I grew up I saw that my lies were
starting to hurt people, so I made a conscious decision to
stop lying to people. Now, five years later, I can't lie
anymore. I won't tell you what happens when I try to lie
(because I don't want to give my wife any clues), but it
just doesn't work.
People still march off to war, and it accomplishes a
whole lot of nothing. You'd think they would have learned
something by now. . . like instead of killing, stay home and
masturbate .
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday July 3, 2 06
409
IT TOOK M6- SO LONG TO WRITE THIS COMMENT THAT I'M POSTING IT AS
A BLOG
Current mood: ©tired
Category: News and Politics
I like reading your blogs, you offer a conservative
viewpoint that is well constructed; however, government and,
by extension, politics are not about well-constructed
arguments. Politics, in America, have always been about
hyperbole, aggrandizement, and obfuscation.
I've met a lot of politicians of all levels and political
viewpoints, and the one thing most of them have in common is
that they're universally stupid. I don't mean that they
crush beer cans against their heads and paint themselves
when attending high school football games, but stupid in the
way that only someone who has been to college can be.
Politicians know twelve different ways not to answer a
question.
Conservative vs. Liberal is a moot point and most of the
dross used to justify why one leans one way or the other is
fecal at best. Conservative means unwilling to change,
liberal means tolerant of change.
410
Regardless of your religious beliefs, you have to accept
that things change; otherwise I'd drive to work in my mule
cart and spend the day scratching into clay tablets.
Conservatism is doomed from the start because change is
necessary to life, when you stop changing, you die; think of
it like a shark in the water.
Be that as it may, the Republican party of today is by no
means conservative, they want to change a whole lot of
things: right to an abortion, definition of marriage,
ability to burn a flag, what you can show or say on TV and
radio. The Democratic Party has done nothing to counter the
Republican strategy but decry it as bad. In every sense of
the words, the Republican Party is now the liberal party,
and Democrats are conservative.
The world did not change on 9/11, Americas perception of
the world changed. Nothing is different today than it was
five years ago; the United States is still imposing its will
on the world at the barrel of a gun and refusing to be held
accountable for it .
During the 80 ' s, 90 's, and 00 ' s the US (Republicats of
all elected office) refused to sign a UN resolution banning
terrorist activities because it included a waiver for
militant groups fighting against oppressive governments,
411
specifically because the US was guilty of being an
oppressive government in many countries.
America's perception changed on 9/11 because it allowed
Americans to see themselves as victims (much as Israel does)
when really, by your defense of the death penalty, we
deserved to get smacked for what we had done in other parts
of the world.
History teaches us that America gets its population
mobilized by hyping news stories and waving the flag in
front of whatever facts are not convenient for the public to
see. Democrats did it for World War I, II; Korea; and
Vietnam; Republicans did it for Grenada, Nicaragua, and Iraq
(twice) . Thomas Jefferson was a fan of small government
until he became president of the United States, then he
decided to flex his authority.
It ' s not that Thomas Jefferson was a liberal as a young
man, or a conservative when he was older, but his change of
heart proves that power corrupts even the best-intentioned,
hell-bound souls.
The first time GWB campaigned, it reminded me of Greg
Stillson from "The Dead Zone" a smiling face, and a jes'
folks kind of guy who's got tiger stripes behind his human
412
mask. With the right kind of person, in the wrong kind of
situation, terrible things can happen.
Going back to history, you can see similar patterns
between older presidents and GWB just before times of great
crisis. Politicos who know how to campaign well, but don't
know a damn thing about running a country.
It doesn't really matter what party they belong to,
because once they get elected they become benign threats (at
best) and enemies of the people (at worst) . (See, Count
Rastopchin on the eve of deserting Moscow) . What does matter
is how society treats its criminals (politicians should be
wary because most of them could end up behind bars in the
right circumstances, with their heads off in the worst) .
Unless you've not committed a sin, hold your stones.
There are not many countries left in the world that execute
criminals: the US, Afghanistan, Algeria, Bahrain,
Bangladesh, Belarus, Berlin, Botswana, Cameroon, Chad,
China, Congo, Cuba, Ghana, India, Indonesia, Iraq, Iran,
Kuwait, Lebanon, Libya, North Korea, Rwanda, Singapore,
Syria, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, and the US (to name a
few) (I repeated the US at the end of that list just in case
you forgot) .
413
Pseudo-conservatives will argue in favor of the death
penalty and against abortion, pseudo- liberals will argue in
favor of abortion, but against the death penalty. Abortion
is killing, there's no question about that, but its killing
babies, and until you're willing to give rights to children
(voting, screwing, driving, and drinking) then adults can
continue to do whatever they want to children, even execute
them, under that logical paradigm. Adults have rights,
inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness. It doesn't say unless...
I'm willing to argue with you on a lot of points of the
death penalty is wrong for the same reason war is wrong, but
abortion is right for the same reason that forcing children
to go to school is right... because children have no rights
(maybe that's an exaggeration, but you tell that to the
little boy or girl who wants to express an opinion at school
and gets suspended for it) .
The death penalty does nothing to prevent crime; it helps
people delude themselves into thinking that evildoers get
punished when in reality they get stock options and vacation
homes in the tropics.
Politicians, who are all about form and nothing about
substance, like to stand in front of recently deceased
convicts and say that the system works, but people have been
414
executed for a long time (you used to get executed for a lot
more than you do now) and it hasn't stopped crime.
Politicians want people to believe that they're doing
something more than sitting in an air-conditioned office
collecting a paycheck out of your pocket. The truth is that
conservative /liberal /Democrat /Republican/Whig/Tory it
doesn't really matter; it's all the same.
[And they] looked from pig to man, and from man to pig,
and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to
say which was which.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday July 4, 2 06
415
I'M GETTING THERE, I SWEAR, BUT FIRST I NEED TO TOUCH MY PENIS
I'm getting there, I swear I am. I'm almost finished with
another chapter of the women's story, and it will be up by
the time I leave work today, also, expect a new update of
the shepherd's calendar tomorrow. I've been slacking off a
lot because of work, but I'm done with all that now. I
haven't written too many blogs in the last week because I've
been working on the "Legend of Good Women" and the story is
almost done; it's about 4 or 5 thousand words.
I've been reading too many political blogs over the last
few days; politics is the ultimate form of masturbation. I
find that when I masturbate less frequently, I channel that
energy into other areas: writing, politics, model-ship
building; however, none of them are as rewarding as
masturbating .
This blog is devoted to masturbating, because if there's
anything more constructive about masturbating, it's writing
about masturbating.
Who doesn't love masturbating? I could be writing right
now (in fact I am, and I'm writing two things at once, which
for me, because I like to write, is like masturbating with
two penises, now if I wasn't at work and could touch my real
penis, I'd be in heaven; maybe I can introduce tri-cockta to
416
the language), but I'd rather sit here and masturbate more
than just about anything in the world.
I wish I were a woman, because they don't have the
problems with cleanup that men do; for women, masturbation
is cold and impersonal, some women do it at work, but for
men, it entails a level of commitment that can't be attained
in public without a healthy disregard for others.
I remember when I was a child, first learning how to
masturbate, how I would slip away all the time to whack off:
during the seventh inning stretch, lunchtime at school, and
prayer service during my grandmother's funeral. If there's
one thing that has not changed about me over the years, it
is my love of masturbation. When I was a kid, it wasn't that
much of a problem because you could slip away without being
notice, but now that I'm married, I have to be careful about
how, when, and where I masturbate. It's like being in a
minefield, except I'd rather step on a claymore than anger
my wife .
I need visual stimulus to masturbate; I'm crippled by
porno, and since I left my trench coat back in the states, I
can't hang around women's gyms and junior miss changing
rooms anymore .
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Cleanup is another problem all together. Ladies, take a
look at a man's room and see if he doesn't have a roll of
toilet paper or a box of tissues next to his spank machine.
Most boys learn to be prepared in this area and will make
sure they have proper clean up materials before they
remember to change their baby's diaper. On the rare occasion
when I have been without, I am not above holding a garbage
can in front of me to catch my sperm; it's not as graceful
as covering yourself with your semen, but it does the trick
nicely.
What I don't understand about people is how they can ever
be angry, about anything. I used to be pissed off all the
time, until I realized what a great thing we have in
masturbation. Surely, if there is a God, he must love us, or
he would have made our arms shorter (although then I assume
we'd all be rubbing ourselves against trees) .
Do you take a long time to masturbate? Some people are
content to rub one out real quick, but I like to give it
time, look for the perfect moment when I see something that
really gets me going; most of the time I just settle for two
big black dudes DP'ing a little white girl. On more than one
occasion I have sat, stroking my penis, for more than an
hour, waiting for the right thing to come along; when it
does, what a brilliant moment; when it doesn't, I still get
to cum, but it's not as satisfying.
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Thursday July 6, 2 06
419
UNTITLED
It ' s been seven years since I started wearing medical
scrubs; I still have many original pairs (some of them must
have disappeared) . I wanted to talk about fashion, because
it ' s something that irks me .
I don't understand fashion.
In the same way that many religious fundamentalists will
look at a book, turn it upside down, sniff it, and
eventually burn it; I don't understand fashion, so I gave up
on it . I believe in comfort.
Clothes should be comfortable, right?
Almost every girl I know has had this problem.
They have a pair of new shoes (from wherever) that they
want to break in, and so they wear them someplace that
requires a lot of walking. A day, three blisters, and a
broken heel later they're at home on their backs because of
a pair of shoes.
I don't understand fashion.
Most men I know have very simple attire, but most of them
have at least a few pairs of "dress up" clothes for special
420
occasions (I'm guilty of that myself) . I understand the few
pairs of clothes that your job makes you own (I used to have
a wide variety of uniforms, name tags, and hair nets from my
previous employers) , but then they start in with the hair
styling and toilet water and designer clothes; that's where
I draw the line.
Fight Club taught me how to dress: one pair of black
pants, one white shirt, two pairs of black socks, one pair
of black shoes, and two hundred dollars for personal burial
money. Anything more than that is just excess.
So I gave up on clothes and I opted for scrubs instead,
you can see them in many of my pictures. They're the only
pants I like to wear, because they're comfortable.
I guess my problem with fashion is that I don't like
clothes in general, I like sitting around naked, it's the
way we were built and it's the way we were meant to be . I
think that people would be a lot more honest and respectful
to each other if we were naked all the time, plus it would
make standing in crowded places a lot more fun.
Be naked today, and enjoy it. If you're the kind of
person who doesn't like being naked, just give it a try; it
never hurts to try something once unless you're very
421
impressionable and the camp counselor tells you that it's
"our" secret.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday July 7, 2 06
422
UNTITLED
There are other factors to consider when deciding what
makes a good president besides how well they're handling a
war, but before we get to that let's talk about war.
When your enemy is willing to blow themselves up to stop
you, you can't beat them, there's no way you can beat them.
One of the reasons we lost in Vietnam is the resistance
people put up to US intervention. Even when they didn't have
any weapons, they dug pits in the ground and loaded them
with snakes and bamboo. When your enemy is willing to blow
themselves up to stop you, you can't beat them.
Bush's invasion of Iraq is remarkably similar to the
British one almost a century ago. The British dumped a ton
of money and manpower into Iraq and in the end it all came
to naught because people got tired of a foreign power
pushing them around and supported a fascist dictator, Saddam
Hussein.
Back to Bush, take a look around America. I swore that if
Bush was elected president, I would get out of the country
and I did, thankfully. Now that I'm no longer in America
(but my primary assets are) , my foreign currency is much
more valuable back home because the dollar continues to
drop. Now the president isn't directly responsible for the
423
falling price of currency, but his inability to inspire
confidence in his countrymen or the rest of the world is.
Bush's "No Child Left Behind" is a failure of the worst
kind, not only are school beholden to standardized tests,
but mentally challenged kids have to pass the test in order
for the schools to get funding. Try teaching algebra to a
kid with Down's syndrome just so you can update your
computer lab from TRS-8 0's to Apple II e's.
Bush's tax cut has amounted to about a dollar a day for
most Americans, so the next time you buy a Twinkie, think of
Bush and all he's done for you. In the winter, your heat for
two months costs about the same as the Bush tax cut, unless
you made over 200k, in which case, your tax cut puts a new
pool in your backyard.
Not one new job has been created by the President (or his
father) . Instead of soldiers killing children in Iraq, they
could be repairing roads at home, for half the cost.
Civil Liberties in America are worse now than they have
been for a very long time, most of that is not the
president's fault, but a lot of it is.
Now, there are some good points to consider in a counter
argument .
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FDR did lead us into WWII, because America is such an
isolationist country that it takes being attacked before
people will take any interest in world politics.
Contemporary historians believe that FDR knew about the
attack ahead of time, but did nothing to prevent it to make
use of the attack when presenting the case for war to
Congress .
Technically, John F Kennedy did not start the Vietnam
war; President Eisenhower started sending military
"advisors" to Vietnam in the 50s, but hawkish conservatives
back home were all for sending out soldiers to kill children
at the drop of a hat .
Germany never attacked the United States, and they
wouldn't want to; many prominent American businessmen were
trading money and goods to Nazi Germany to make huge profits
from the suffering of millions like Prescott Bush and Chase
Bank.
Truman got us into the Korean War because conservative
forces at home were afraid of anything communist and had
been since the Palmer raids of the late teens. Conservative
politicians were so afraid of communists that they made
propaganda films, fought wars, and took away American
citizen's rights, to combat them.
425
Clinton did go into Bosnia, with UN consent; of course,
the UN relies heavily on the United States for its peace-
keeping force, but that's all right, because we never pay
our dues on time.
No one offered Osama Bin Laden to Clinton, and I mean no
one. Someone who had no ties to Osama Bin Laden said, I'll
give you Osama Bin Laden. I could make the same promise, and
tell you that I could get Brittany Spears to your birthday
party. I can say it all I want, but I don't have the power
to make it happen.
President Bush has not liberated two countries. Liberate
means to free from a foreign power that has taken over a
sovereign nation; for instance, if an army marched into a
country that did not belong to them and took over political
power. Speaking of which, how are those governments in Iraq
and Afghanistan doing.
President Bush has not done a good job, if only because
he keeps saying that he's doing a good job, and not doing
anything. I can say I'm doing a good job, and that I'm a
good person, but that doesn't change the fact that I slack
off at work and rape small puppies.
426
Last words, balance the budget. I'm not a smart man, but
I know that I can't spend more money than I have without
getting in a world of trouble. Bush doesn't seem to
understand that. I'd understand if he was building
something, but he's not, he's blowing it up.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday July 7, 2 06
427
INJECTED ROBBING TOPPED IN DIPHTHERIA
Category: News and Politics
The news was big this weekend, a group of Lebanese men
were arrested for a plot to blow up the Lincoln and Holland
tunnels. They were arrested in Lebanon, which is odd,
because the Lincoln and Holland tunnels are in America. One
of them had been to the US a few years back but he never
went to New York. The men were arrested because someone was
monitoring an Internet chat room.
That's all the story I'm going to relate to you, because
now I want to detail my plan to blow up the McDonalds at the
corner of My Ass place and Blow Me boulevard in the United
States. They didn't have any explosives these guys, they
didn't even have a plan, and they were just talking about
blowing shit up to combat the US. I'm glad they were
apprehended; now we can all sleep easier (well, you can, I
don't live in America, so I sleep easy every night) .
A group of guys in Florida were arrested two weeks ago
for something similar, and they didn't have the tools to do
what they're being accused of planning to do, either.
In Leo Tolstoy's "War and Peace" right before the last
Russian government officials leave Moscow, the mayor offers
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a man to the crowd, and (presenting no evidence) tells them
that this is the man responsible for Moscow falling to the
French. The crowd tears the man apart.
I have a plan for what to do about the terrorists.
Absolutely nothing. We dismantle our army, bring home all
foreign troops, destroy all our lethal weapons and give the
non-combat vehicles to countries that need them. We take
away all security at airports; we take away all security at
the border. We pull down the monuments to war and
destruction and replace them with dead bodies. No more
cemeteries, when you die, your body goes to the memorial so
people see what the dead look like. People get to keep their
guns; the government has to give up theirs. Then you take
all the money that ' s no longer being spent on war and
distribute it to schools, hospitals, research and
development, and food.
For a fraction of the money being spent on war, we could
feed the planet .
Then if terrorists want to attack, they can go ahead. If
you're afraid to die and you hide behind a fence or a gun,
then you're probably afraid to live and death could only be
an improvement .
429
When you have the ability to help someone and you don't,
that's worse than outright bullying, because a bully is at
least able to interact with the person they're bullying; the
person who ignores someone else's suffering is the real
monster.
It doesn't matter how many pseudo "plots" the US
government (or any government) foils, because it only takes
one success for an attack to occur, and as long as people
are trying to commit acts of terror, eventually one of them
is going to get through. But at the end of the day, I'd
rather say that I was a friend to someone who needed one,
even though they ended up killing me; than I was a right
bastard, and I got what was coming.
If I was in a car with two friends, and one asshole who
kept throwing bags of dogshit at pedestrians, I wouldn't
feel angry at the person who eventually gets so pissed off
that he kicks our asses. I ' d be pissed off at my idiot
friend for being an idiot, first, and myself for not
stopping him, second.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday July 10, 2 06
430
LATER WE CAN GET WILD LIKE THE ANIMALS W£ ARE
Category: Travel and Places
I like to read a lot, and I'm not too discerning about
the books I read. For the last several years, I've been
slowly going through classic books that everybody praises
but nobody reads. A few months ago, I went a little more
modern.
One of the teachers I met out here gave me a stack of
books that he brought with him. So far, I've read four books
out of the stack, and most of them have been pretty good. I
read a suede murder mystery called "The Blind Man of
Seville." It was okay, but it gave up on the mystery part of
the murder about halfway through. Then I read a book called
"Old Twentieth" about a virtual reality time machine, and
that was not as good. I'm not a big fan of the author, but
this was a much better book than the last one I read of his
(The Forever War) .
The third book was all about Korea. The author was a
British journalist who started at the southern tip of Korea
(an island called Jeju) and walked to the northernmost point
geopolitics would allow (a village called Panmunjom) . I
really liked that book for a number of reasons, the first
being that the guy walked the whole length of the country. I
431
like walking. I hate driving. Sure a car is convenient, but
I've got enough convenient in my life, sometimes you have to
deal with a little difficulty (When I think about it, a car
is much more difficulty than convenience, but it sure does
get you places fast) .
I also like Korean history.
Coming from America, there's not a whole lot of history.
We have two hundred and thirty years, most of which is
deplorable sandwiched between brief periods of semi-
enlightenment. As Americans, we make so much out of our
freedoms, but we were the last country to free its slaves,
the last to give women the right to vote, the last western
country to execute minors and retards, and most likely the
last to let gay people get married (that one hasn't happened
yet, but I'll bet you that the rest of the world gets a jump
on us) .
Korean history is intense. Koreans are known for being
particularly ruthless, so when the Japanese needed guards
for their prisons they used Koreans. When the Chinese needed
to torture someone, they used Koreans.
The most interesting thing is that Korea has been a
vassal state for much of its history. First, China takes
over imposes rules, demands tribute, brutalizes people, and
432
then the Koreans fight back and regain their country; then
Japan takes over, imposes rules, demands tribute, brutalizes
people, but then the Koreans fight back and retake their
country. It's a little shrimp caught between two whales.
I didn't know that South Korea was a military
dictatorship until the 1980 ' s, committing awful human rights
violations, including the murder of around two thousand
student demonstrators in 1980. South Korea was under martial
law until very recently (the last fifteen years) , but they
tried the two former presidents and found them guilty of
treason (something America could learn a lot from) .
The former president of South Korea was a political
dissident in the 1970s and ran for office, but was defeated.
The elected president had him thrown in jail. So the guy
escaped to Japan, the Korean secret police kidnapped him and
were going to execute him when the international community
became concerned and drew too much attention. The guy
eventually came home and was under house arrest for many
years, until one day he ran for, and won, the presidency.
Mercedes and I took a trip across Korea last weekend. It
is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever seen.
Partially because we drove for hours and hours and didn't
see a single McDonald's, but also because the entire country
is covered in small mountains, and the small mountains are
433
covered in lush greenery. The clouds float so low that you
can watch them turn in the sky like real life holograms. 3-
D . . . far out .
The entire coastline of Korea is covered in a barbed
wire, razor-wire fence, and every so often there are
camouflaged turrets over looking the water, just in case the
North decides to attack. At one point, we drove past an
empty plain with a sign that read "Danger: Mine Field."
Seeing a whole country with real defenses is odd. There
are lots of similar constructions around the US, but they've
never been used for anything.
We picked a bad weekend to visit southeastern Korea
because a Typhoon was coming in and it rained like a
bastard. We went to a lighthouse museum that was out in the
middle of nowhere; it took forty minutes to reach the place
by taxi. When we were done with our museum business we
didn't know how to get back or where to go. Luckily, a
friendly family picked us up and drove us into town.
The way out to, and back from, the museum was along one
road, it follows the coastline up a small peninsula and then
wraps back around nothing in a big loop. As we got closer to
the lighthouse museum, we saw fewer and fewer cars coming
from the opposite direction, as we went back to town, we
434
started to see more and more people; this place was out in
the middle of nowhere .
The family that gave us a ride was very nice. There were
four children in the backseat of an SUV, and the mother gave
Mercedes and I boxes of grape juice and small plastic
containers of liquid yogurt. We're going to send them a
fruit basket or gift certificates to a restaurant; we're not
sure which.
My knowledge of Korean is very limited, and mostly
utilitarian; so I don't know how to converse with people,
just shop keeps, but the children enjoyed hearing me call
myself a monkey and an idiot. The parents were happy that
their children were bothering someone else. I didn't have
much on me to give them, but I always keep a quarter in my
shoe for good luck; I gave it to those children.
Mercedes complained about the price, but the place was
about as far away from New Jersey as Massachusetts or
southern Virginia, and it only cost forty-five dollars each
round trip.
Tomorrow, I'm going to post a picture blog of some of the
things we saw along the way.
435
I love this country. I wish the people I knew in America
could be here with me .
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday July 12, 2006
436
I FORGOT TO BRING THE PICTURES
Current mood: ©pleased
Category: Life
I wanted to post a picture blog today, of our trip to
Pohang, but I forgot to bring the pictures.
Instead I'm going to talk about rain. A lot of people
think it's sexy to kiss in the rain.
It rains a lot in Korea, more than the rainiest city in
the US. Today it's raining so hard that the subway station
was flooded. On the way into work, I got so soaked that my
sneakers were sloshing around. Luckily, I prepared for this
catastrophe; on Monday, I brought an extra pair of socks to
work and put them in my desk.
Tools are important. One of the hardest things about
leaving the US was leaving all my tools behind. I have a lot
of tools. I have a hard time throwing things away. My great-
grandfather was the same way, and he had millions of tools.
When something would break he would take the whole thing
apart and save the pieces from it, screws, wires, etc.
That's not a true story, I just made it up about my great-
grandfather, but you should have seen all the jars of
screws, nails, bolts, and nuts on his workbench.
437
I only brought a small screwdriver to Korea (while I've
been here I had to buy an alien wrench and an adjustable
wrench) . It was the hardest transition I've ever had to
make .
I get headaches a lot, they come on fast and hard and I
usually get them at inopportune times, so I keep a bottle of
naproxin sodium at work. I like to be prepared.
Not in the long term. In the long term, I forget about
things in the long term, but little amenities, I can
remember those. So I have a dry pair of socks and a bottle
of aspirin at work.
For some reason, my hands want to type aspiring instead
of aspirin. I've had to correct it every time I've tried to
write it, including the last time, when I was trying to make
a point. That's not true either, it worked the last time,
but I was trying to make a point .
My head's like a sieve, I don't know what I'm going to
remember or forget. Sometimes, I can remember lots of
obscure things, like what year the Russians drove out the
Mongols, and when the Normans invaded England, but sometimes
I forget little things, like whether or not I've eaten and
how long it's been since I went to sleep.
438
I like clear skies; the rain depresses the hell out of
me. If I could live someplace where it never rained, that
would be great, but if you don't have the rainy days, then
you start to hate the sunshine too. I need balance in my
life.
Mercedes says these blogs are too long; I say, don't read
them if they're too long. She holds me down and farts on my
head until I say uncle. I love her so much.
I hear a lot of people talking about kissing in the rain,
saying it's romantic. I don't quite understand that, and it
doesn't jive with my understanding of women. Most of the
women I know would rather stick their heads in their own
asses to avoid messing up their hair in the rain, that's a
very sexist thing to say, but it's true. You can avoid being
"ist-ish" about a lot of things if you just start your
sentence with "most" and make it 35% true or more.
One of the things I love about Mercedes is that she's a
tough gal, she doesn't care if it's raining or frogs are
falling from the sky, she'll tell you to stop being a pussy
and deal with it. Sometimes I get a little too full of
myself for my own good; she won't put up with that kind of
crap for long.
439
What is it about kissing in the rain that ' s so romantic?
The fact that you don't care about the circumstances so you
just go for it and make out. In that case, why don't I hear
women say that it ' s so romantic to start sucking face in
front of the casket at a funeral?
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday July 12, 2006
440
THE STAMMERING FARMERS STUCK THEIR WIENIES IN A PICKLIN JAR
Current mood: ©listless
Category: Travel and Places
We say In-yong again last night .
Wednesday night is bowling night. There are lanes near
our house that charge $1 per game after midnight, and
Mercedes, David, and myself have made it routine to go
bowling on Wednesdays. It's a wonderful thing for which to
look forward. I'm trying to break 2 00, I haven't done it
since I was a little kid, and I got a 181 last night. I had
two open frames in the 8th and 9th, if it wasn't for those I
would have had 200, but I'm getting away from the subject;
this is supposed to be about In-yong.
They opened a pizza place across the street from our
apartment, and every Wednesday, before we go bowling,
Mercedes and I get pizza. It's five dollars for a twelve-
inch pie, seven for stuffed crust, no matter what toppings
you get. One of my favorite things about Korea is that
toppings don't cost extra (in some places they do, but fuck
that shit) . I get a Bulgogi Chijucurusutu (steak with cheese
crust) Pizza; it tastes like Pizza Hut, kind of. There are
Pizza Huts in Korea, but they don't taste like Pizza Hut's
441
in America. When I eat pizza, I think about being in
America, but that's not about In-yong, either.
It's been raining like mad in Korea, so my sneakers are
soaked; I can't put them on for more than a minute without
my socks getting soaked. I've taken to carrying spare socks
with me. That has nothing to do with In-yong.
I've been watching a lot of crappy movies recently. Have
you ever seen "The Matador," "50 First Dates," "Love and
Sex," "The Weatherman," or "Grilled." None of them are very
good. They are all somewhat good, none of them are passable;
however, I did download "The Great Outdoors" starring John
Candy and Dan Aykroyd, which is a great 80 's comedy. I love
movies made during the 80 's, but they have nothing to do
with In-yong.
In-yong lives down the hall from us; Mercedes and I met
her and her husband a few weeks ago when we were attracted
into the hallway by the sound of a domestic disturbance.
There was a little, tiny woman, without shoes, jumping up
and down. I fell in love at once. That's In-yong.
The police came, and did she back down? No. She got in
their cops faces and started yelling about something (it was
all in Korean, I don't know what they were saying) . Then she
saw Mercedes and I sitting out on the balcony and she came
442
outside to talk to us in English, but then she started
crying and giving us hugs .
We had a good talk with her and her husband; eventually
they went back to their room, about half an hour later, In-
yong came to our apartment and gave us a picture she painted
as a present and invited us to come drinking with her. When
I told her I was Jewish she looked like a put a broken-glass
covered pinecone into her asshole.
Last night, we were waiting for the elevator, to go
bowling, and In-yong appeared. She was crying. We asked her
what was wrong, but we didn't understand her so well; either
way, she got in the elevator with us and went to the lobby.
Korean women always wear heels. In-yong wears long skirts
too. When we told her we were going bowling she said she
wanted to come. She didn't have any money, but she brought
an ATM card (she couldn't remember the PIN) .
On the way to the bowling alley, In-yong lost a contact
while she was singing love songs to Mercedes, David, and
myself. She didn't care at the time, but she cried about it
afterwards. In-yong always looks like she's on the verge of
tears, even when she's happy.
When we got to the bowling alley, In-yong was worried,
because she was wearing heels, and didn't have any socks
443
with her. Luckily, I had my spare socks (that's twice in
three days my spare socks have come in handy) and they were
brand new. I'd hate to lend someone a pair of socks that had
been used to wipe semen off pictures of your mother.
In-yong is not a bad bowler, but she slowed Mercedes
down. The gals bowled on one lane and played three games;
David and I bowled on the other lane and got in four (total
cost $14) .
In-yong took us out to a bar after we finished bowling;
she bought us a pitcher of beer, a plate of French fries,
three packs of cigarettes, and a bowl of fruit salad (total
cost $37.50) and then went to bed. She was tired because she
had been drinking all day and she got in a fight with her
husband. He told her to get out of the apartment and she
said, "Okay, I go."
In-yong likes to sing a lot; last night she and David
sang Engelbert Humperdink songs together. The first night we
met her, Mercedes and I sang the national anthem with In-
yong, it was disjointed because she stopped after every line
to translate them into English.
I love Korea .
Sex Mahoney for President
444
Thursday July 13, 2 06
445
HERE'S MUD IN YOUR tit
What a great weekend.
Mercedes and I went to the Boryeong Mud JeChuk
(Festival) . There's a beach in Korea where they use the sand
to make cosmetic mud and once a year they have a big
festival where everybody covers themselves in mud and gets
drunk and has a good time.
We took a train to Daechon, which is different from the
Korean city of Dae j on. The letters are very similar, but one
is aspirated and pronounced ch, while the other is
pronounced j ; give us a break, we're foreigners.
We left our apartment at 6 AM and took a subway to
Yongsan; from there, we took a train to Daechon. This guy at
the train station offered us a ride to a hotel for 9,000 won
and a hotel room on the beach for 100,000 won. I turned him
down and we started walking.
The first hotel we came to was booked solid, so we kept
going down the road. It was so much like walking in New
Jersey, I started to get a little misty eyed; we were
walking on the side of the highway and people were honking
at us to get off the road. After a mile or two, we found a
city map and a bum that offered us directions. The bum asked
446
me if he could have a cigarette, so I held my pack open to
him; he took four of them, one at a time.
We walked for another two or three miles before these
people pulled over and offered us a ride, thus saving us 9
dollars of a taxi ride. When we got down to Yongsan, before
we got on the train, I realized that I forgot my wallet back
at home, so we had 2 00,000 won for the weekend. The subway
cost 2,400 won for the both of us, the train was 22,000 won.
We were on a fixed budget; in the long term it was a good
thing .
This nice couple, the husband was a government planner
and the wife was a teacher, brought us all the way to the
beach and we took a picture with them. I don't remember
their names now. It's harder to remember Korean names than
you ' d think .
The festival was great, but there were a lot of meatheads
walking around. Most of the westerners in Korea are military
personnel, so we saw a lot of USMC tattoos and ten people
told me to take off my top.
Before we got muddy, we tried to find a hotel, so we
turned down a side street and walked into the first hotel we
saw, The Manhattan. I learned how to ask if rooms where
available (bangi issoyo?), and we got a room for 120,000
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won. Our four-mile walk cost us 21,000 won; so much for
being frugal.
The hotel room was pretty nice, nothing special, but it
did have a TV on which we would later watch Korean soft-core
porn while getting drunk.
We dropped our stuff in the hotel room and headed to the
festivities .
On the first day, most of the mud activities had very
long lines so we just got into the mud prison (a house
covered in mud where people threw mud at you) and a big mud
pool . We played some kind of game where you hold hands and
walk around in a circle until someone calls out a number and
then that number of people have to huddle together. It was a
fun game, I got to grab a lot of very hot Korean girls by
their very tiny bodies and steal them from other people ' s
group for my own.
There were a lot of inflatable activities (that involved
mud) and we did one where we tethered together with a bungee
cord and had to do a reverse tug of war to knock a ball into
a goal. Mercedes kicked my ass. An old man laughed at me and
told me not to cry like a little girl. He didn't verbalize
that, but he made a sad face and rubbed his mud- covered hand
under his eye. I love Korea.
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(more to come, this will be updated with pictures later)
Monday July 17, 2 06
449
I'D DISMANTLE THE GOVERNMENT AND SMOKE ALL THE WEED STOLEN BY
THE D5A
I'm tired of conservative and liberal pansies that say
they're against the war, but support the troops. Without the
troops there would be no war. I hate the liberals who say
they support the troops because they've passed so many gun
control laws that they can no longer defend themselves
against a fascist military, and I hate the conservatives who
hold the military up on a pedestal as if soldiers were holy
virgins, untouchable by human hands.
Soldiers are nothing special. I have yet to meet anyone
who honestly believes what's written inside a hallmark card,
and I don't know any soldiers who think they're spreading
freedom. They're doing a job, like washing dishes or picking
fruit. I particularly despise the notion that soldiers
deserve some kind of respect for what they do just because
they are soldiers. Nobody gets respect because they sign a
piece of paper, you have to earn it. There are plenty of
soldiers out there who are good at what they do, and there
are plenty out there who are absolute idiots who entered the
military because every other decent job wouldn't take them;
however, the majority are there because... no particular
reason. After September 11th (just like after Pearl Harbor),
there were waves upon waves of patriotic numbskulls who
joined up for liberty and freedom and blaa, blaa, blaa...
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Make no mistake, soldiers are hired killers. They don't
teach you how to be cuddly and friendly in boot camp, you're
taught to survive and kill.
I don't like the troops, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
Individually, a lot of soldiers are good people, but the
military doesn't thrive on individuality. Group thinking,
strict adherence to orders, rigid hierarchy; all the
qualities you look for in a whole mess of trained killers.
So liberals are afraid to come out and say they don't
like the troops because liberals are pussies, but
conservatives stand up and shout how much they like the
troops because they're pussies too otherwise they'd have the
balls to stand up for themselves without having to rely on
1.6 million trained killers.
My biggest problem with the military is that almost every
US war is a result of US imperialism. Rich folks don't want
to pay their taxes, let's call it a revolution; Great
Britain's still knocking us around and we can barely defend
ourselves, let's call it the war of 1812; Mexico's upset
that we stole part of their country, let's call it the
Mexican-American war. When you get to the civil war, it's
almost hard to hate the south; sure they were bigoted idiots
(just like the northerners) but they were on the side of
freedom (unfortunately it was the freedom to enslave black
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people) . That's less than one hundred years of US history,
at war where poor people get to die for reasons they don't
understand and hired killers get to rape, plunder, pillage,
burn, and kill wrapped in the beautiful colors of old glory.
Defense of the US is a joke. You can visit many sites all
over the US where millions of dollars were spent defending
an enemy who never came . Only one bomb has ever been dropped
on US soil, and it was a failed mafia execution in the
1930's.
Let's face it, by spending billions of dollars on war and
trillions of dollars on defense, the US is doing exactly
what terrorists want (the US did the same thing to Britain
in the 1770s when they dumped tea into the Boston Harbor) ;
draw a foreign power into a costly war far away from
home, by making a symbolic but futile act of defiance, where
they have little to no chance of winning.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday July 18, 2006
452
YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON POLITICS AND PEOPLE GET BORED
Enough of the political blogs, I'm taking a break from
being ground breaking.
Mercedes scooped me on the mud festival picture blog; if
you want to see the pictures go to her profile and check
them out here
The children in my classes are ultra docile today, they
had a three day weekend, and (from the way they're acting) I
assume they spent all three days shooting thorazine
entrees with ketamine appetizers.
I spend a lot of time trying to keep my wife happy, it
helps me to keep working, otherwise I'd get lethargic and
waste away. She's never happy though.
Just the other day I was rubbing her feet with a pumice
stone and making her a twelve -course dinner; well, I must
have gotten a little rough with the pumice, because she hit
me with a frying pan and farted Bolero on my head.
I'm not sure if that really happened, sometimes my dreams
seem very real .
Like the other day, I was sitting in my cubicle, entering
the quarterly sales numbers in my computer when Hummel, from
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accounting, asked if I wanted to go to Taco Bell for lunch.
I actually turned him down because I had to go to a synergy
meeting with the logistics department. After he left I
started screaming, and I woke up in my bed, soaked to the
bone and screaming. It was the worst nightmare I've ever
had.
Every generation wants to redefine the mores of its
predecessor, and they end up making the same mistakes,
selling out in the same ways, tying themselves down with
useless familial and financial obligations until there ' s
nothing left where a person once stood; just a pile of
invoices and credit statements that someday someone will
bury in a hole and the world will forget.
I want to go out in a blaze of ironic glory, like a
traffic accident on my bicycle; it would be fitting if I
were run over by a truck delivering bike helmets.
When I was working as a high school English teacher, one
of my colleagues asked why I didn't wear a helmet on my
bike. I told her the above reason and she told me to stop
being stupid; I don't think she believed me.
So I know that every generation since the dawn of time
has looked at their fore parents, thought them antiquated,
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tried to change things, and failed, but I think this time
will be different.
You see, nowadays we have the atomic bomb, and the
religious right in America can only keep their fingers away
from that bright, red button for so long.
Last night, I was standing over Mercedes, like I do every
night, and just before I dropped the pillow, I thought long
and hard about leaning forward and putting her to rest.
She's always so tired; I think she'd even appreciate it. I
must have waited too long because she woke up before I had a
chance to put down the pillow. She made me sleep in the
hallway. It's hard to be a good husband.
Lies are a tricky thing. No human being is strong enough
to keep lies going for too long before the lie tears them
apart .
I want you to lie to me.
I want all the readers of this blog (both of you, myself
included) to post four statements: three false and one true.
Let me see if I can figure you out. If you put out, I will
respond in kind, but in the interest of fairness, you go
first .
455
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday July 18, 2006
456
THERE'S NO PLEASING SOME ?tO?lt
Maybe I had it coming, maybe I should have seen the
signs, battened down the hatches, prepared for the worst and
bent with the wind, but I'm a stubborn man, and I'm too old
to change my ways .
I was beating a small child to death this morning, when I
came over all famished. I usually don't eat breakfast, but
I'll have a peanut butter sandwich or two for lunch, topped
off with a peanut butter covered marshmallow pie. You
haven't tasted heaven until you've eaten a marshmallow pie,
covered in peanut butter.
Anyway, I figured that as long as the child was dead, I
would eat his heart. It didn't seem like a big deal; what
does a dead child need with a heart?
It turned out that the child wasn't actually dead, but
pretending so I would leave him alone; well, that threw me
into such a state of disorder and blind rage that I don't
remember anything that happened until I was back at home,
covered in blood and eating peanut butter.
To many parents are protective of their children, a while
back I wanted to contribute to the fight against cancer, so
I recruited a team of medical volunteers from a kindergarten
class. The kids were happy to sign up once I offered them
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free ice cream, but their parents started ranting about
exploitation this and pedophile that, so I gave up on my
dreams and people are still dying of cancer to this day.
Taking the indirect route, I tried to donate a few
millions dollars to a local hospital, but they wanted to see
the money up front before they renamed the building, bunch
of swindlers .
Sometimes I like to go to the mall and sit outside
changing rooms; I wait until really vulnerable looking girls
come in, their eyes full of hope, and then I whisper
subliminal condescension to them through the wooden blinds.
I wish I were an article of clothing. I wonder what people
would look like when they tried me on. At least some people
would think they look good in a Sex, they let the homeless
into Bloomingdale ' s, right?
When I was teaching in America, I was trying to teach my
class about relativity, and I told them that if they killed
a hobo, they'd probably only get three or five years in jail
with time off for good behavior, but if they even attempted
to kill the president, they'd get life in prison. The
principal was upset with me, but I don't mind; I stole his
wallet when he wasn't looking.
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The other night, my wife and I were appreciating a sunset
at the top of a mountain. She looked me deep in the eyes and
told me how much she loved me. It would have been a tender
moment if I hadn't eaten all that cabbage earlier.
If I run out of funny things to write I go around the
Internet and look for something I can steal from another
writer. Then I invade their Internet tubes and pilfer their
hard drives while they're sleeping. It's not honest or very
nice, but if you suffered from crippling self-doubt like I
don't then you might want to go fuck yourself.
Robert Patrick is one of the greatest actors of all time;
no one can pull off stone-faced like that man. The first
time I saw "Terminator" I thought it was amazing that they
found a human being who was so much like a robot. I can't
believe they did it twice.
The less funny a comedian, the more likely they're not
Jewish.
I never wanted to be a downer, but some people call me
the ruiner. I suppose it's because I never feel as happy as
when someone else is having a bad time. I don't know why
that happens, but when everyone else is miserable, I feel
great; when everyone around me is happy, I feel like crap.
Weddings are the worst; everyone is in such a good mood that
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I just want to fuck the bride in the middle of the ceremony.
My family has been very supportive of me, I wouldn't be
where I am without them, but they don't invite me to
weddings anymore, not since grandma got remarried.
They opened a new restaurant next to my job, the food
looks great and it's as cheap as all get out. I feel bad
eating there because it's like I'm betraying the other
eateries that keep me fed. I want to be a regular. I want to
walk into a food service establishment and have people call
me "Norm," I think we all want that in a way. I'm not really
sure; this medicine I take to keep me from being normal is
starting to produce strange side effects. Who knew that
sobriety would be hazardous to your health.
Last night I rode my bike home from work, in the rain. I
love the way it feels. I don't ever want to drive a car
again. Please be my chauffeur.
Please?
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday July 19, 2 06
460
THZRZ ARE BAD THINGS IN THIS WORLD (AND YOU MIGHT B£ ONE OF
TH£M)
Bombs are exploding, children are dying, the poor are
getting poorer and the rich are eating poor people's babies
as delicacies, but I couldn't care less; last night, I
bowled over 200... 201 to be exact.
Now this might seem like a pedestrian accomplishment to
some of you (especially my friends who are professional
bowlers), but I haven't bowled over 200 since I was twelve
or thirteen years old. I almost didn't make it, I had an
open frame in the seventh that put my score at 145, but I
picked up nine pins and a spare in the 8th and 9th and 10th
frames. My last ball, I needed nine pins to hit the two
hundred mark, and I got a strike. Final score, 2 01.
Never mind that, when I was twelve or thirteen, I bowled
a 227 (stupid younger self), it's still an accomplishment of
which I'm proud.
Every Wednesday night, Mercedes and I have "America"
night to stave off homesickness and make sure our grease
intake stays high enough that we won't have any problems
reacclimating to the US. I get home from work around 10:15-
10:30, and we get a seven dollar stuffed crust pizza from
across the street. It's tastes and smells just like Pizza
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Hut, except it's half the cost (I think, who knows what
Pizza Hut charges, when is the last time you were in one?) .
We eat our pizza, watch the Daily Show and Colbert
Report, and then we go bowling.
The difference between American bowling alleys and Korean
is that the Korean version does not have any distractions;
there are no video games, no snack bar, no smoking, no
alcohol, no scoring computer to play with (the bowling
computer is part of the reason I have my 3 letter Sex
moniker), just bowling. Last night we bowled six games in an
hour, that was high for us, usually we just do five in the
same amount of time.
Bowling a 201 game has made me so happy, I'm glad I could
share this moment with you. Now lick my shiny balls.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday July 20, 2 06
462
THREE TIMES IN ONE DAY? ITS LIKE WE JUST STARTED DATING...
Category: News and Politics
The main problem with enforcing the death penalty comes
from the legal definition of murder. While it is very easy
to say that someone with a gun or a knife "murdered" another
person it is rarely applied in business or government. For
instance, state inspectors in Connecticut knew that there
was a problem with the Mianus Bridge in 1983 and told the
state government that more inspectors were necessary to
inspect the states 3,000+ bridges, so when the bridge
collapsed, why weren't the inspectors and state government
officials held responsible? When lax safety standards in a
coal mine, or on a deep sea fishing boat, allow an accident
to occur, why is that not considered murder?
Most murders are committed by people in 1 . A fit of
passion 2. Premeditation 3. Habitual behavior. In a fit of
passion, people tend to disregard the consequences, everyone
knows that murder is wrong, so if they're planning it ahead
of time, then they don't care about the consequences, and if
it's habitual, there's nothing the murderer can do to stop
themselves. The death penalty deters none of those people.
The best reason to do away with the death penalty is a
matter of money. A person of lesser economic standing would
463
be in jail or dead for the same crimes committed by OJ
Simpson and Ted Kennedy. Black or white has nothing to do
with the argument, except that black people tend to be
poorer and cannot afford a lawyer to get them off death row;
for instance, a poor person who beat someone to death in a
bar fight, assigned a public defender, usually has no access
to investigators or medical personnel who might help their
case; however, if you have a few thousand dollars to throw
away, you might get a good pathologist to determine that the
cause of death was not the beating, but a congenital heart
defect .
For instance, take the anecdotal account of William
Zantzinger and Hattie Carol. Zantzinger was the son of a
wealthy Baltimore couple who, while drunk, received some
back talk from a black hotel waitress, Hattie Carol.
Zantzinger beat her to death, and was sentenced for six
months in a county jail. If his family had been really rich,
he might have been able to stay in a minimum- security
facility.
It remains that poor people are executed far more
frequently for their crimes than their rich counterparts,
not because of the crime, severity, or other extenuating
circumstance, but because the rich can afford better
lawyers .
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Couple that with the number of "murderers" on death row
who have been convicted with circumstantial evidence and
you've got very good reason to stop taking an eye for an
eye .
To say that Jesus would have supported the death penalty
is a bit of a stretch, I'm sure that, as the nails pierced
his wrists and feet, he would have had a lot to say against
the death penalty.
Now, you might say that killing someone renders a person
incapable of paying a debt to society, but the US
government, numerous businesses, and insurance companies
have already attached a value to a human life. If you're a
soldier and you die, your family gets your hazard pay and
life insurance; they even pay for your funeral. If all of
those esteemed people can put a hard value on human life,
then we can too.
Let's think about this logically, the US is a capitalist
country, everything is a commodity and everything is for
sale. The loss of a son or daughter simply means that you
have one less person who can support you in your dotage, if
you put a murderer to work and garnished their wages to pay
for their crimes, they could pay their debt to society for
the rest of the victim's family's lives or until the killer
has paid off the amount of money the government or insurance
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company decrees that life was worth. Some of the victims
might be too proud to take money from a killer, that's why
this is a free country; they can do what they want. That
doesn't mean the killer wouldn't have to pay, but that money
could go to a general slush fund for the families who
haven't found justice.
Government sponsored killing does not make it right, no
matter what the attenuating circumstances.
One last brief piece, the US is the last industrialized
country in the world to execute criminals, and (until very
recently) the only industrialized country to execute minors
and the mentally challenged. We may lead the world in
technology (consumption) but out here in America Gulch, it's
frontier justice, yee haw.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday July 20, 2 06
466
WATCHING THE STORM COMZ IN
Category: News and Politics
I was getting bored kicking around indigenous people, so
I turned on my fuel pump and started reading this blog as I
dumped 10 liters of petrol per minute, into the ground. It
was so good that the next day, as I was teaching a class on
fertilizer explosives at the Freedom Fighter Education
Center, I mentioned to one of my students, a boy of 12 (name
withheld) , that he should probably buy some of my crack
cocaine AND go read this blog on Myspace . He told me that
his government does not allow its citizens to use Myspace,
but he did like the crack, so much so that he's asked for
more almost every day this week... it's crazy, but it's
almost as if he can't get enough of the stuff.
Anyway, he told me that no one in his country is worried
about being attacked by North Korea, because he doesn't live
in America. In fact, more world travelers seem worried that
America is going to attack them. It's hard consoling people,
who feel so despondent, but I'm a teacher, it's what I do,
and I'm very good at it.
I tell them not to worry about America, because one of
two things will happen. Either the population of the US will
be shocked into action and vote new bozos into office, or
467
the Bush executive will seize power in a bloodless coup (all
smotherings) and then go the way of all dictatorships,
invest all power into a single, charismatic head whose death
incites radical instability and civil war, after which there
is a joyful period of togetherness and reconstruction. . .
just like Georgia in the 1870s. You wouldn't believe it, but
that doesn't comfort some of my students. Those children
need someone who will go the extra mile (and I am a great
teacher) , so I tell them not to worry about anything,
because someday they'll be dead.
Sex Mahoney for President
Sunday July 23, 2 06
468
ALL WE DID WAS KISS DAVS AND DAVS AND DAVS LIKE THIS
Current mood: ©pleased
Category: Life
I think back on the children of the 1920s growing up
without a care in the world, because if you said Adolph
Hitler to them, they wouldn't know who you were talking
about. If you were born in 1915, you would grow up your
whole life without knowing a whole lot of suffering, a wave
of technological advancements, a car in every driveway, some
pot in every fish. You may not have known about Hitler, but
you knew about the Kaiser, and your grandparents talked
about Napoleon or Jefferson Davis, depending on which side
of the mostly white pond, you grew up.
I'm so glad I grew up when I did. It was a peaceful time
in the world, that time between wars, when all you had to
worry about was a postman shooting up the place, or a serial
killer catching you while you were sleeping.
Of course, I'm just being nostalgic; I see people, ten
years older than me, saying the same things I'm saying now:
"You should have grown up then, those were the days."
A teacher in high school once asked how I got so
sardonic, I didn't know what to tell her so I made up a
469
sardonic answer about the world being... blaa, blaa, blaa,
when I didn't have the heart to tell her that I read it out
of a book.
This morning my wife told me I needed an enema.
Custom is a foul mistress, when we let her dictate our
lives. If you ever find yourself practicing a tradition for
the sake of the tradition alone, then it's time to pull the
stick out of your ass or at least start moving it back and
forth so it'll do some good. There's not a custom in the
world that shouldn't be practiced with a little bit of scorn
and a lot a bit of laughter.
We want to mark milestones and anniversaries as if the
past is something important, but before the past was the
past, when it was the bright or gloomy future, is was just
another day to get through. A day to put on your pants (or
not, if you're lucky), brush your teeth, wipe your ass, and
hope that you don't get shit on as much as you did the day
before .
We all have good days; they come so subtly that we don't
even notice them until we're once again swimming in shit up
to our eyeballs, choking for breath.
470
A wiser man than I once said that the secret to happiness
is to give yourself a present, don't plan for it, don't
anticipate it, just wait for the right moment and do it.
The past isn't any better than the moment that's going to
come right now, for better or for worse, it's at least
something new and if you don't like it then you're one step
closer to death, but if it suits you fine, don't get too
hung up on it, because you're one step closer to death.
The best present you can give yourself is looking at an
insignificant moment of your day and realizing that it's as
good as things are going to get for this stretch of 24
hours .
Sometimes, I sound a little bleak, but in my heart (the
part only a few people get to see) I'm a grinning retard.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday July 25, 2006
471
WHAT MAKES A GOOD STORY?
I've read a lot of children's books in my day, and,
because I'm a teacher, I still read a lot of children's
books, so maybe my point of view is skewed by immersion in
the world of children's literature, but to have a good story
you've got to have one really honest person, and a whole
bunch of lying fucks . That ' s at least how you make a good
children's story.
To make a really good story you've got to have a choice,
a character making a choice, but it's a story and you're in
charge, so it can't really be a choice. That sounds a lot
more complicated than it is, so let me explain.
There are pivotal moments in our lives, but they only
seem pivotal because they have immediate reactions, while
far more important decisions go unnoticed because it takes
so long for them to payoff; for instance, it may not seem
like a big deal that I had a peanut butter sandwich this
morning, but what if my eating that sandwich caused us to be
out of bread some morning in the future. What if my wife
discovered that we were out of bread, went to the
supermarket and there... something shocking!!! (saw me
kissing an octopus, was killed by a falling anvil,
whatever) . The point is, that I might not ever know why that
chain of events came to pass. That's real life.
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In a story, I have to know where my characters are going,
but if I try and force it the story can come off sounding
like driving directions from mapquest; they'd be great if
only you were a bird or drove a tank.
How do you get someone to do something, without making it
seem like you're forcing them to do it?
This is a tricky one; you've really got to work at this.
The Simpsons do it great. How many scenes from that show
have a character making an important decision as they walk
or drive down an ironic street . With comedy you can be a
little more overt.
A good story pushes a character with just the right touch
so that when the moment of truth comes, the reader may not
be aware that they've been manipulated. Free will is for
suckers and it's largely a myth anyway, we're trapped in our
current moment as surely as we are stuck to this big
spinning rock, bound by the laws of motion and time.
The worst thing about a story is the cheap emotion that
can go into one. Comedy is the highest level of story
telling, any idiot can make people scared or make them cry,
just talk about generic things like a spooky house or a baby
in a microwave, but to make 'em laugh, that takes a special
talent; I wish I had it. Most other stories end up imbued
473
with cheap emotions, like hallmark greeting cards, as
sincere as the person you just met at a bar telling you
you're the most (insert adjective here) they've ever met as
they put their hands on the inside of your thigh.
Cue the sad music, cue the explosions, cue the bad
dialogue and the fake fire effects, there now wasn't that
sad/exciting? There are precious few things that can illicit
an emotional response from me, and I treasure the hell out
of them.
How do you get emotional about people who do not now or
never did exist? That's a question I can't answer, but I can
say how I see children's authors do it.
One of the biggest complaints I get about my writing is
that it ' s hard to connect with my characters emotionally,
sometimes I take that as criticism and sometimes as praise,
it really depends on the day. I like the fact that most of
my characters are jerks, it rings very true with how I feel
about and perceive the world; however, in children's books,
the protagonist is usually a pretty strong center of
absolute truth and understanding, surrounded by a bunch of
jerks .
Think about George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life" a
stand-up guy who's always disappointed by the people in his
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life, but always comes through for them. What bout Dorothy
in "The Wizard of OZ" sure she may not win on Jeopardy
anytime soon, but she's pretty nice compared to the people
who try to fuck her over, same goes for Alice, the little
autistic kid in "The Wizard" and little Charlie Bucket in
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
The problem I have with most of those characters is that
they're boring little bastards. I dare you to tell me two
positive things about any of them. Across the board you see
that, most protagonists are pretty boring and one-
dimensional, it's the adversaries and side characters that
get all the attention. Maybe that's the secret to a good
story, a bland protagonist.
I don't really know what makes a good story but I keep
writing them anyway; if you're one of the people that like
to read them, don't worry about me stopping.
Was I the only one who wanted to see Dorothy and Alice
get it on?
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday July 28, 2 06
475
Rt(\D your lerreR in a coFfee shop in a hotel in new yoRK
Category: News and Politics
I received a letter from someone today asking for my help
to take action against people who enter the United States
illegally. This is their letter.
Original Message
From : Invading America
Date: Jul 28, 2006 1:33 PM
I am sorry. I do not know you. I am working with a
group of journalists in trying to publicize information on
why our government is ignoring the ILLEGAL immigration
issue .
Many people are confused and cant figure out why our
government is refusing to act, even as almost every poll
shows that over 85% of Americans want our borders secured,
and oppose amnesty. We cover these issues in depth on our
main website at:
http : / / invadingamerica . com
As pointed out on our My space site
The entire staff at InvadingAmerica.com is PRO- Immigration,
but we simply demand that immigrants coming into this
476
country follow our laws before and after they enter the
United States. We also EXPECT our government officials to
ENFORCE our laws. In addition to being in total support of
LEGAL immigration, we are also for complete equal rights to
EVERY race, religion (of peace) , and sex. Simply follow the
laws and respect the people and culture of this great
Nation.
We are using My Space to network in an attempt to gather
as much support as possible . We hope that all people who
share our concerns will assist us in spreading our address
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are committed to providing accurate and factual information
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So, if you do not share our views or concerns I
sincerely apologize for the interruption.
All
If you do have an interest in this issue, I invite you to
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Thank you !
http : / '/ ' invadingamerica . com
I wrote the following back to them
Thank you very much for the offer. America is the land of
opportunity, but if we don't protect it's borders, then we
put ourselves in serious danger.
The United States has one of the longest stretches of
approachable beaches in the world, and a country with a
powerful navy would be able to land countless numbers of
vessels on our shores. We would be powerless to stop them
because it is simply too much ocean to defend.
Of course the threat of military invasion is unlikely
because America is largely isolated from the rest of the
industrialized world. Any power that attempted to take
America by force would meet harsh resistance. More likely,
the invaders would offer cheap goods, services, and more
478
organized labor than we can currently produce, supply or
organized.
What troubles me the most is that immigrant to the US
would most likely bring diseases against which we'd have no
natural immunity, being as isolated as we are, and the
diseases they bring (from their over populated cities) would
decimate large portions of the US. A military invasion might
not be necessary if they learn that their pathogens might be
used against us.
Then there are the traitors, we cannot count out those
states and citizens who would welcome the interlopers, adopt
their ways and mimic their speech. It would be a terrible
blow to our culture if Americans started speaking the
language of its invaders; half of the battle is won in the
hearts and minds of the people before the fighting really
begins .
If we don't stop immigrants from coming over here
whenever they please they will eventually push us from the
cities. We'll be forced to live in less desirable areas as
they use their systems of currency and trade to block us
out. We cannot accept any of their technological advances,
as that would betray the memory of our ancestors, and so we
would slip further and further into anachronism and despair.
Eventually, we would be so weak that they could herd us
479
wherever they wish; we would be at the whim of these
interlopers .
The American spirit will never die. We may be pushed
around, but someday we'll remember what it meant to fight,
and we ' 11 start telling those foreign bastards what to do
and where to stick it. We can't lose; we are fighting for
our homeland; what men can say that they were too busy
arguing over petty concerns to protect their motherland?
They'll call us terrorist, traitors, savages, and
villains, but that won't stop us; even if we fight to the
last man, we can never let a foreign power walk into the US
like they own the place. There have to be laws,
restrictions, or our people will die out. We must do
something now, before it's too late.
Sincerely,
Chief Laughing Irony
Open the borders, America is a free country and that
means we have to pay the price of freedom.
The price of freedom is having to put up with people who
are rude, stupid, ugly or worse. I'd love it if I could tell
the 600 behemoth slurping down McDonald's to turn down her
480
collection of "Winger's Greatest Hits" but that's the price
I pay of going to the beach. If the price of leaving the
borders open is that we have an occasional terrorist slip
in, well, that's just the price of freedom.
Let's be honest about the immigration debate, it's not
about money, it's not about services, it's not about the
law; it's about brown people. Some Americans don't want them
here, and they've found other ways of arguing the problem.
Like when I was a child and gave my brother an airtight
reason why I, and not he, should have control of the TV
remote and he still refused to yield. Or when I told my
girlfriend (on Sept 11) , after arguing with her that if she
really loved me she'd do it, that if she didn't stick a live
gerbil in her asshole, the terrorists win. It's a shitty
trick, and I stopped doing it when I was twelve, when I
learned how to construct a rational argument, but abandoned
the practice so I could spend more time convincing women
that I was worth sleeping with.
There ' s nothing about brown people that anyone should
fear. . . for now. Someday the revolution will come. . . (a word
of advice, side with the Apes, I have it on good authority
that they will win with the help of Roddy McDowell)
!!! Promote racial harmony; expose your genitals to
someone of a different racial makeup!!!
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Sex Mahoney for President
Friday July 28, 2 06
482
FOR THREE /EARS I DID NOTHING EXCEPT WRITE
Category: Life
• I found an awesome movie today; it's nothing but
cumshots, 116 of them to be exact. Cum swapping, cum
swallowing, cum drinking. It's wonderful.
• I found a disturbing video over the weekend; it's
two Japanese girls having diarrhea on each other. I
can't wait for this holiday season; it will make a
great stocking stuffer.
• So much of success is dependent on being lucky at
the right time and in the right place.
• The more authentic a particular cuisine is to a
culture, the more it will taste like dirt.
• There isn't a government on this planet that
wouldn't kill someone to make itself look good.
• There are more poor people than there are soldiers .
• The first thing you should do in the morning is make
sure you're not still dreaming.
• More people are afraid to live than are afraid to
die .
• Frozen yogurt will never replace ice cream.
• If you can't defend something by yourself, then you
don't deserve to have it.
• Before you finish reading this sentence: four people
will shit themselves, something will be stolen, two
483
chickens will experience momentary consciousness,
and someone you love will think about having sex
with you.
• Nice girls are the ones who like to talk dirty to
you in bed.
• Dirty girls are the ones who like you to talk nice
to them in bed.
• The smaller a man's penis, the more likely he is to
fight you.
• No one is smarter than you are right now.
• At some point in her life, your mother has uttered
the words, "Fuck me like that."
• Anything can be a pizza topping.
• Your environment may limit your imagination, but
your environment is limited only by your will.
• A change of scenery is better than a change of
underwear .
• Cold showers are better for wiping away things best
forgotten.
• Ten minutes from now, you will realize something
life shattering, thirty minutes from now, you will
forget what it is and that you ever thought of it in
the first place.
• People's perceptions of you are determined by how
willing you are to murder them.
484
• Don't listen to people who say that something can't
be done, you can jump off the empire state building
and live, they are just afraid.
• Old people have the best drugs.
• The older you get, the less you will be able to
handle your liquor.
• True assholes will never learn their lessons.
• If you don't have everything you need to survive
within ten feet of you, then you need to lower your
expectations .
• A breakup is the best diet.
• Pictures always look better when you're taking them,
than when you see them developed.
• The music, clothes, movies, and friends you liked
ten years ago may embarrass you now, but you
embarrass them too.
• The best jokes are written on Popsicle sticks.
• Sex Mahoney for President
• Some quotes from my boss (we went out to dinner last
night)
• Beer is for women, hard liquor is for men.
• Outback steakhouse is for women.
• Homesickness is for women.
• I don't eat any white foods. White foods are for
women .
485
• Bowling is for women.
• I put a quarter of a bottle of Tabasco sauce on my
food if it's not spicy. Food that is not spicy is
for women .
Wednesday August 2, 2 06
486
DRAINING YOUR £H£R6Y SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME
Category: Life
I hate working .
I like my job, but I hate working. My job is not work,
it's fun. I stand in front of a group of children and we say
things to each other, maybe they learn, maybe they don't,
but I have a good time doing it. I hate work. I hate sitting
in an office with nothing to do, with office people like
managers and administrators telling me what to do.
When I make a lesson plan, I usually just include a
subject. I hardly ever plan what I'm going to say, or how
I'm going to cover it. I let that happen naturally in class,
because when I make plans, they usually don't include the
mistakes the kids will make or the things that will trip
them up. I expect them to have troubles in other places;
they surprise me and screw up in ingenious ways. Plans
rarely work.
I never plan. I just make sure that I have adequate
supplies. Sure, that might mean that I'm stuck somewhere at
4 in the morning with no way to get home, but I've got
plenty of reading material and possibly some music to listen
to. If I'm lucky, I might even have some food.
487
Unless you have iron discipline, plans hardly ever work
out and they usually end up ruining a good time. I have a
lot of fun in my classes because I can take a minute to
indulge a child's curiosity about some English language
question without worrying about sticking to a plan.
There are some things that require plans, but I tend to
avoid those activities unless I'm doing them by myself. If
it's with other people then I let them do the planning,
otherwise, I know they'd be disappointed if things go wrong.
I don't make plans if I'm doing something by myself, because
I'm not usually disappointed in myself. Other people are
frequently disappointed in me.
I try to project a lot of confidence, but I'm not any
more put together than anyone else; still, people seem to
expect a lot from me because I seem to disappoint them very
often. I find that odd, because I'm not disappointed much
anymore. Of course, I still have that odd optimism that
politicians will stop lying, but when it comes to real
people (politicians hardly qualify as real, have you ever
met one? I wouldn't be surprised if they hatched in a lab)
I'm pretty forgiving, as long as you can take a joke. If you
don't have a sense of humor about yourself, I seem like a
real asshole.
488
Even the worst things that have happened to you are
worthy of a good laugh. There's humor to be found in
everything, even just a little bit. You might not be ready
to laugh right away, but someday you will be. I can't help
it that I laugh a little sooner than most people. Even when
I'm served a steaming pile of shit, I can't help but find it
a little funny. I can't help it.
So the next time you feel like being mad at me, or even
disappointed, because I'm laughing, just remember, I didn't
plan it .
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday August 5, 2 06
489
TAKE Me TO ANOTHER PLACE
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Over the past few days, it's struck me how good "Arrested
Development" is, both the short-lived television show and
the band of the same name .
The band - for their easy, funky beats. That's about all.
The television show for its amazing allegory.
Think about it . The TV show begins with the scandal
concerning a wealthy man and his mismanagement of a company,
primarily because of his dealings with Iraq, and while he
and the government are worried about the situation in the
middle east, a Korean sneaks up and hamstrings everyone.
Brilliant .
My writing output is drying up. In the summertime, I work
long hours, my job becomes like a real job. I don't do
anything extra, I just have to go in early and sit there
until 9 o'clock. Today I listened to music and read stories
from 14th century Italy. The office is so hot that if I get
there by noon, my balls are swimming in my shorts by 12:30.
490
Hell, it's late at night now and the only reason I'm
awake to write this is a pounding headache and a sincere
desire to watch the Big Lebowski one more time than I
already have. We've watched a lot of movies in the last
week. A Korean movie that was pretty good, but not great,
and a whole bunch of shitty American films. Anchorman,
School of Rock, Love Actually all suck. I thought Jack Black
was getting a little better. I was wrong. I don't understand
what it is about him that people find appealing.
Whenever I go too long without writing something, I feel
sleepy and ill at ease, like I'm hiding a secret so big that
my body is exacting revenge for me keeping my mouth shut.
In the meantime, I wonder about myself and whether I am
an excessively filthy person. Mercedes and I were arguing
the other night, she was being completely unreasonable,
saying ridiculous things like "Of course it's cheating if
you sleep with a prostitute" and "No your friends can't
watch." I understand a little bit of modesty, but come on,
this isn't the 16th century here, and we're living in the
future .
Speaking of good allegory, there ' s an awesome Dan Bern
song about the sanctity of marriage told from the point of
view of a protagonist entreating his girlfriend to marry him
so he can go fishing with the girl's grandfather. The
491
wedding is detailed in all its slap dash glory to its
delicious punch line. Sanctity of marriage. Nothing is
sacred that can be performed in a courthouse. Of course
there are some things that are sacred, but they never last
very long. Sometimes you want to savor them, show them to
other people, take pictures, and memorialize the event, but
eventually you have to flush to make room for more.
Most of the reason people want to preserve sanctity in
marriage is that they're afraid of homosexuals, so we need
some volunteers to prove to people that flesh is flesh, and
there ' s nothing wrong with it . We need a volunteer cock and
a volunteer pussy and a few volunteer assholes to set up
shop outside the white house so the adventurous can come up
and have a taste. They can do it on their lunch break. Of
course, this would mostly be reserved for staff members and
working stiffs, most of the politicians in DC already know
what it tastes like to take a load in the mouth. It really
doesn't matter the specifics, and it won't be hard finding
volunteers. Washington DC is the one city in the US that has
more dicks, pussies, and assholes per square mile than
anywhere else in the world.
If tomorrow USA Today released a full color picture graph
saying that Americans like politicians who suck dick, you'd
see senators and representatives, judges and presidents,
getting on their knees to appease the masses. Even if you
492
disagree with same sex marriage, and hate gay people with
all your homophobic (and therefore secretly gay) heart, you
should tell any pollster who asks you what it is you want
from a politician. I can die happy when I see Nancy Pelosi,
George Bush, Bill Frist, and Dick Chaney snowballing in the
Rose Garden.
Of course, when I say sucking dick, I mean that
allegorically, sucking dick is a metaphor for the larger act
of pandering politicians do on a regular basis, which is
partly the reason why people hated Bill Clinton. No one
likes to see a politician, or any other minor celebrity,
doing anything but suffering because of their fame (VH1 has
been mining that gold for years) . But to continue with the
simile, if the world was a bar, politicians would be the
girls and boys with fake breasts and steroid induced muscles
that sleep over, hog the bed, and give you a nice case of
crabs .
So I was listening to "Tennessee" by Arrested Development
and doing my best to mimic the rhythm that black people
have, and I was watching the show "Arrested Development"
doing my best to mimic the comic ability of people smarter
than me, when I realized that there are symbols everywhere,
and if you've got just the right amount of imagination mixed
with insanity, you can see patterns emerge from anything
(ask me about the Milkman, it goes deeper than you could
493
ever guess) . I guess the thing to do is just jerk off. I
wish I had a better ending for you, but if you take my
advice, this experience could be just as good for you, as
it's going to be for me.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday August 9, 2 06
494
SHINING STAR, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
Category: Travel and Places
I finally have a day to catch up on my writing, but I
slept all day. I'm sick again.
Ever since I came to Korea I've been sick more than in
the last three years combined. I don't want to blame it on
my change in environment, but a 300% increase in disease
occurrence is hard to ignore.
Last night I saw a car accident on my way home from work.
As long as I've been in Korea, I've only seen two types of
accidents (really it's only one) : a car is turning left and
the driver doesn't look where it's going, a car at a curb
pulls out into traffic and hits a car.
The best thing about Korea is the food, by far. Not that
there's a lot of variety here (every restaurant serves the
same ten basic dishes) , but if you like the taste of one
dish, there are five other dishes that taste exactly the
same. They serve rice with everything. There are a lot of
soups. Everything here has a little bit of meat in it. For
some reason, Koreans don't consider processed meat as meat,
so if you ask for something with no meat, they'll still put
ham in it .
495
Korea has eight digit phone numbers... some times. A lot
of places only give you seven numbers and if you try to dial
them, you get an error message. I still haven't figured out
how to call seven digit numbers .
Korean children play a game called Dongchim where you put
your hands together, stick your index fingers out and shove
them up a person's ass. Some of my students think it's
really funny to sneak up behind me and Dongchim me. I wish I
could go back to elementary school, do you know how many
teachers I'd like to anally violate?
Whenever I ask Koreans about their country, they are
mostly ignorant. Our friend Brett has the most historical
knowledge; he answered a lot of my questions when we went to
the folk museum. To compare it to America, it's as if every
American knew about Abraham Lincoln, that he freed the
slaves, and nothing else about the rest of history.
It also seems that Koreans never go anywhere. When I ask
them what there is to see here, they tell me about things
within Seoul or the city where they live.
There are mini casinos all over Korea, they only have
slot machines. Some people will put a large amount of money
into several machines and leave a cigarette lighter on the
button.
496
Ilsan, the city where I live, is half the size of Edison
and has 8x the number of people. I've only met one person
who lives in a house, the director of our school. He drives
a BMW.
Directly across from our apartment are a series of shops
on the bottom floor of a building, they are: a convenience
store, a baby supply shop, a restaurant, a restaurant, a
restaurant, a restaurant, a restaurant, a restaurant, a
restaurant, a restaurant, a restaurant, a restaurant, a
restaurant, and a convenience store.
Koreans aren't into competition among businesses, one
convenience store will have a bag of chips for one dollar
and another convenience store (right next door) will have
the same bag of chips for 1.50. Buying in bulk doesn't
really do any good here, most item are more expensive if you
buy them in bulk.
I can't sit up anymore, I've got chills and my throat is
swollen like a cheerleader's ass after the prom.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday August 10, 2 06
497
ROCKING PNEUMONIA AND TH£ BOOGIE WOOGIE STREPT THROAT
Category: Life
Every time I get sick I feel like it's my fault; as if I
didn't say hello to the security guard in my building often
enough, or I did it too much, and now I'm in a pickle. As if
I could trace the cause of an illness back to a single
definable moment and say, here, take that Universe, if it
wasn't for that, you wouldn't have me by the (remaining)
ball right now.
Of course, there's nothing so unknowable as a moment like
that, it's impossible. There is such a myriad of
simultaneous things that have to go wrong at the right time
in order to produce any kind of results, especially
sickness; that any attempt to figure them down to one moment
is an exercise in futility. Still, I always feel like I
should have been able to do something to prevent it .
Getting sick in Korea is a trip. I'm so used to American
doctors who don't listen to you, that the doctors here who
can't listen to you pleasantly surprised me. This illness,
the Doctor spoke a little English, but Mercedes prepared a
list of things to say in Korean, like "I think it's strept
throat" and "Please give me antibiotics."
498
The doctor didn't take very long to diagnose me, either.
She took one look at my throat and just said, "Antibiotics."
Then the nurses took me into another room and I read
about how Prince Andrey Bolkonsky was saying goodbye to his
father, and getting ready for war, while a pretty Korean
nurse rubbed my butt cheeks and gave me two injections that
I didn't even feel. They made me feel woozy afterwards,
though .
As I was leaving, I heard the Korean nurses start
talking, and giggling, about me. I wonder if they'd ever
seen a one balled sick American with a shaved scrotum and
ass crack, I wonder if they'll see one again. I'm always
glad when I can bring a little joy into people's lives.
For the last few days, I haven't each much but crackers,
toast, and Kimbap . My strept throat is real bad, and my
tonsils are all pitted and scared from past battles with the
disease. They're a sight to look at when they're healthy,
all inflamed and large, you should see them when they're
infected all inflamed, enlarged, and full of pus. Lucky for
you, I took a picture, even luckier for you; I still don't
have a cable to get it from my cell phone to my laptop.
My favorite part of illness in Korea, is that I went to
the doctor twice, and got two prescriptions for ten
499
different drugs filled, over the last four days; total cost
$50, and that's without health insurance. Walk-in, emergency
care at a hospital for under a fortune. It is possible,
America .
For those of you who are concerned about my health, thank
your for your support; for those of you who are not, I'll be
dead soon enough anyway, just be patient for God's sake.
Illness should always serve to put your priorities back in
order, and thankfully, I did a little bit of that over the
weekend as well. Now it's back to masturbating, porn,
poisoning the minds of children, and ranting like an idiot
about the government. Oh yeah, and that writing crap too.
Maybe if I didn't write so much, I wouldn't get sick....
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday August 14, 2 06
500
LISTEN TO WHAT THE MAN SAID
Category: Travel and Places
I haven't written very much this week, it depresses me.
At work, my access to a computer is now limited from what it
was, and I've been putting in longer hours, so I don't have
the kind of time to write like I used to. That doesn't mean
I'm not writing (although right now it actually does) but
I'm just not writing blogs .
The summer weather has really been getting to me lately,
and it sucks having a fever, feeling your body build up heat
like a iron stove, only to have it dissipate and it's still
boiling hot outside. It kills me. In New Jersey it's
probably just as bad as it is in Korea, ninety some odd
degrees and 90% humid. This is not the kind of weather in
which people were meant to live.
And yet they line up, pay for the chance to be tortured
in this kind of weather, if you don't believe me, look at
the last quarter gross profit for Disney World. There is
nothing more torturous than Disney World, and yet people
drag their children there to experience the same kind of
punishment they knew as children.
501
I like Korea for the same reason I like New Jersey, it ' s
not a friendly environment; the people who make their living
here are hardened by rough climate, they're pissed off and
they don't take any shit. Korea has the advantage of being a
true hard ass, where New Jersey can only pretend.
Korea, on top of its unfriendly climate, has also been
invaded more times than anyone can remember. China, Japan,
and now America have all tried their hand at imperialising
Korea, and not one of them will ever succeed, because when
you live in a harsh environment, you take the advice and
commands, of outsiders with a grain of salt.
Working in a Korean office is the same as working in an
American office, there's generally one person who has an
small idea of what they want to do (and an unusually
specific way they want you to do it) and no idea how to
implement it. So far, I've done my lesson plans three times
to the exact specifications of my boss, and each time she
tells me something that's wrong with them; the only
consistent thing about the lessons and the plans is that
that, in class, the children cannot keep up with what my
boss wants me to do.
We have meetings once a week, usually it involves half an
hour of sitting around while she talks to people in Korean,
ten minutes while she answers phone calls, ten minutes while
502
we make small talk, five minutes of awkward silence, and
five minutes where she gives me an assignment. I have one
later tonight, I can't wait.
I've never understood office work, but I understand why-
it sucks, that's why office workers should unionize, then at
least they'd get to move to nice countries like India and
China. It's all part of my master plan; I miss my friends
out here .
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday August 18, 2 06
503
OLD LEVI'S ARE FADING FAST
Category: Sports
Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats
you. When I got to Korea, I had a pretty sweet job, no long
term goals, no discernable plans, just show up, teach from a
book and keep your mouth shut; now all that is changing. It
sucks, but I console myself with the fact that I only have
six months left to go.
Last week, I was sick, now it's Mercedes's turn;
surprisingly, we never get each other sick (she is suffering
from a case of bronchitis) . She's burning up with a fever
and acting delirious. I had to talk her down from the roof,
that's no place for a sick girl to be with a sniper rifle.
I spent the weekend sitting around, doing a whole lot of
nothing. On Saturday, I met up with my Korean friend, Brett,
and we played basketball and soccer. He was surprised that I
was good at soccer; I suppose that people in other countries
assume that American's only know how to play football.
I had a number of misconceptions about people from other
countries and their abilities to play soccer. I assumed that
anyone who was born outside of America was almost a pro, but
I was wrong as well.
504
While we were getting ready to play soccer, some guys
showed up and I got in goal while they took some shots on
me . Then more of them showed up and it turned out that they
were getting ready to play a friendly game; Brett and I got
to join in, although we were on opposite teams.
The Koreans were pretty good at soccer (Brett is a solid
mid-fielder), but they weren't as good as I expected; they
had the same problems that plague American soccer players.
One thing that I thought was strange is that none of them
made a correct throw- in. FIFA rules say that the ball has to
pass right over your head and you have to keep both feet on
the ground. Almost none of the Korean players did this.
So we played a half, I was in goal (I gave up two, but we
scored two) ; and I found out at half time, that these guys
were all policemen for the city of Ilsan (where I live) . It
made the second half a lot more interesting, and a little
more nerve wracking. I took down a police officer. It wasn't
as satisfying as it would be if I took down an American cop
(because these guys were all very friendly and in shape) ,
but it felt good to get into a game.
I don't know about you, but I like sports, not so much
watching them, but I like playing games. It's a nice
505
competition, after which, there are no hard feelings, and
even a sense of friendship; it wasn't always like that.
When I was younger, I used to demonize the other team. I
looked at them, as rivals that needed crushing, and winning
seemed so important. I still feel that way about winning
(I'm very competitive), but it doesn't bother me like it
used to.
Sports get a bad rap because of the competitive types who
play them, it really turns people off when you get in their
face about winning; of course, these are the same people who
will mock you mercilessly if they manage to beat you. What
turns them off is not that they aren't competitive, it's
that they never win.
One of my sore spots has always been for the underdog; so
if I'm winning, I'll usually ease up on my opponent, give
them a fair chance to catch up. I'd like to live in a world
where everybody ties, but that's because I am a giant pussy
when it comes to certain things. If you want to see someone
get really mad, start beating the hell out of them at a
game, and then let them win; pride goes before a fall.
I won't say that I like losing, because it ' s a bitter
taste in your mouth, but it's life affirming to lose
sometimes. How much can you know about yourself if you've
506
never lost? It's easy to be magnanimous when you're the
winner, but if you can keep your head about you when you
lose, then you're doing all right. (Of course everyone know
that when someone gets a good one past you "Nice shot" is
the adult equivalent of "Fuck you") All the myths of the
world are based on the supposition that the world is full of
winners and all it takes to become one is to crush a loser,
and I suppose that is correct, if you're a bully, but for
the rest of us, it takes some figuring out that were all
just waiting around to get crushed.
Nobody wins in the long run, we're all just varying
shades of fucked, so the big picture ain't the big game; the
devil is in the details. If you can pull off one or two
minor victories in a day, then you're doing all right; grab
the last donut from the box and don't offer it to anyone
else, leave your car in a handicapped space while you go to
buy a lottery ticket. You don't have to worry about other
people, you're a winner.
If someone had told me when I was young that "winner" is
just a nice way of saying "douche bag", I might have been
less competitive.
Kids get mixed-messages a lot; be nice to other people,
be a winner, only losers do drugs, achieve, consume, crush,
kill, destroy. I wonder if it's something that people teach
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their children or if it's in our genes, waiting for
consciousness or several years of crushing defeat to teach
us otherwise.
Winning and losing, like so many things, are just a state
of mind. Israel and Lebanon both said that they won the
recent war. America said it won in its war against Iraq. All
it takes is the right frame of mind, and a little bit of
douche bag.
I'm a winner, baby.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday August 21, 2 06
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FINALLY SOME FRtt TIME TO POST A BL06
Current mood: grizzled
Category: grizzled Writing and Poetry
It's been a busy week in Korea; my bosses are driving me
nuts; actually its just one boss, but I'm still going michin
(Korean for crazy) a little bit every day.
Yesterday we went to a bookstore together. When we got
there she gave me the simple instructions of finding
storybooks for my reading classes. I looked for about forty
minutes to an hour for books appropriate to the skill level
of my classes, and I grabbed two different books for each
class, just in case she didn't like my first choice. When I
brought the books to my boss, she said they were too boring,
nothing but words, not enough pictures, and the graphics on
the cover were not exciting enough to entertain the
students .
She pulled me over to the book section and showed me the
kinds of books she would like me to pick. She pointed to
several Newberry and Caldecott medal winners and said that
she wanted me to pick books that had won medals. Then she
picked up a book that had a medal on the cover, but it
hadn't actually won anything, the medal just announced that
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the book was 60 years old. I didn't point this out to her, I
just enjoyed the sensation.
After that, it was time to have a meeting, in the
bookstore, at which point this woman told me what the
curriculum might be, she didn't have a definite answer
because it was still between two options, but we needed to
get books and there was only enough money to buy books for
one type of curriculum. She never told me which to get.
So she sent me off and said, "Get a writing book." I
brought a writing book back to her and she said, "You know,
they'd probably think this was too hard, why don't you get a
vocabulary book instead." So I got a vocabulary book. She
said, "You know, they'd probably do better with a phonics
book." So I brought her a phonics book. She said, "This is
good, but it doesn't have anything about writing, I thought
I told you to get a writing book."
I looked all over the store, and I finally found a book
that had all three, writing, vocabulary, and phonics, all in
the same book. I held it up to her, proud of myself, and she
said that we couldn't use the book. It was too popular; all
the other schools use the book. I have never wanted to fuck
someone so bad in my life. My boss is the kind of person who
could use a penis in their eye socket.
510
Other books, the school had used before and I was asked
to remember teaching the books, at which point, I had to
remind my boss that I had only been in Korea for six months
and not my entire life.
I don't know if I'll go back to teaching in America,
perhaps substitute teaching. I like subbing, if I did go
back to teaching it probably won't be language education,
but history. History is real nice, there's no standardized
tests to worry about, and the propaganda is so thick that
you make up pretty much anything you want .
When I was in school they stopped teaching grammar after
8th grade, now I don't think they do grammar after 5th. That
means children growing up today have a 5th grade writing
ability, at best. Only a few kids are actually at the top of
the class, so the crappy ones are much worse. I don't like
forcing anything down a student's throat (that's for after
they graduate or turn 18, whatever) but there are some
things you have to teach in school. In their later years, a
kid might feel the urge to learn about history and research
the subject themselves, but how many of you have been
sitting around on a Tuesday night and asked yourself, "Hmm,
I wonder WHAT the gerund form of a verb really is?" Grammar
is not a subject that normal people pursue independently, if
kids don't learn it in school, they ain't not gonna learned
it in the real wurld.
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Now take the same principle at work in America and apply
it to people who are not native speakers of the language.
That's seems to be what my school is driving at, a bunch of
Koreans who know how to bark nouns at each other and
foreigners .
I know that grammar is a boring subject, but getting kids
interested in it is pretty easy (as long as they care about
their grades, the ones who don't care about their grades you
actually have to teach them) . Why does education have to be
exciting? I think it ' s a dishonest slap in the face to
children to pretend that you're trying to entertain them
while they're learning. The subject material is funny enough
if you know how to play with it right. What better way to
teach a child about syntax than to give them the sentence,
"The man chased a dog in his underwear." Who's wearing the
underwear, the man, the dog, is the dog wearing it's own
underwear, or the man's. This is one limitless, well; not
really, I just covered about everything that could be funny
about that sentence's syntax. Good, no?
I hate lying, even if the truth is painful, it's better
to hear it. That's why I hate it when they say that prisons
were made to reform criminals, schools are made to educate
children, and politicians are making the world decent for
families. In the first two instances, you're locking
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dangerous people in a cage so they can fuck each other, in
the last you're letting them out so they can fuck everyone
else. Of course, the politicians are probably going to ask
you "What would you like to be fucked with?", because with a
fifth grade grammar education, they don't know any better
but to end a sentence with a preposition.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday August 25, 2 06
513
JACK DANIELS AND W£ CAN MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME
Category: Travel and Places
I can't get enough of that wonderful stuff. Peanut
butter.
My love affair with peanut butter began a long time ago,
and while I might stray (sometimes for many months) I always
come back.
What is it that I love about peanut butter? Is it the
crunchy goodness of peanuts, or the creamy smoothness of the
butter? I can't begin to describe it to you, but it's there
and it's real like a ferret chewing on your scrotum.
Food is a big part of my life, I love to eat, and I'm
willing to try anything once (see, the great baseball bat
gangbang, p. 143 8) . In the month of August, my job bought us
free lunch everyday. That means, five days a week, free
food. There's nothing sweeter to Jewish ears, because we all
know that free pussy is a damnable lie, and free willy just
plain old sucks .
I started out simple, ordering the things I knew or
liked, but then I started getting the things I had never
heard of before.
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Like, Jeyukbokum (pronounced Jay-yuk-bok-oom) , which
means flesh and rice. Usually they serve very fatty pork and
vegetables in a hot red sauce. I like how open they leave
the name, it could literally be any flesh; there's something
rewarding about that .
There was also budechigae (pronounced boo-day-chee-gay) ,
which is hot dogs and vegetable in a spicy red soup. When I
was really poor, I used to make hot dogs beans and rice
because I couldn't afford real meat. The name means garbage
stew in Korean, because people used to make it from whatever
American soldiers threw away at their military bases.
One of my favorites was Dalkdoritang (pronounced dalk-
door-E-taang) , which was chicken on the bone and whole
potatoes in a spicy red soup (there's a theme here, I dare
you to find it) .
Then there was naechangtang (pronounced nay- jang- tang) ,
which is stomach and vegetables in a brown soup. You would
not believe how chewy intestine and stomach lining can be. I
chewed one piece of stomach for so long that I had to take
some water and swallow it whole. It was the only dish I
didn't finish.
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Korean food comes with a lot of side dishes, various
types of kimchi, tiny fish, and spicy squid. All in all, it
was a good dining experience . I ended every lunch with an
awesome ice cream bar that tasted exactly like a
Butterfinger bar without the Butterfinger chunks.
It's amazing how cheap it is to eat at a restaurant in
Korea because there's no tax and no tipping, plus the food
is a dollar or two cheaper than what you'd get in America,
and this is one of the tastiest countries I have ever
visited.
The strange thing is that I'm not used to eating during
the day, so by nightfall I was tired as all get out, and in
the morning, I wouldn't have my normal peanut butter
breakfast. In America, I don't mind taking a break from
peanut butter, sometimes I welcome it, but here, in Korea,
my brain has developed a subconscious need to consume peanut
butter on a hitherto unseen scale, perhaps because I miss my
homeland.
Unfortunately, peanut butter is mostly expensive in
Korea, except for creamy. Now, I don't know about you, but
creamy peanut butter just doesn't cut it, it's missing
something intangible (like me), and I can't quite put my
finger on it. Luckily, Mercedes and I left America with five
pounds of quality Guatemalan nuts. How you ask? Well, that's
516
a story for another day. In the meantime, let this following
piece of wisdom suffice.
The best thing about Korea is the food, by far.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday August 25, 2 06
517
I82.62& REASONS WHY YOU CAN'T 60 HOME AGAIN
I've passed the halfway mark; from here it's all
downhill. Mercedes says that doesn't sound promising, but
that uphill sounds even worse. I suppose that some metaphors
can't stand the heat.
I'm pleased as punch to go home, I miss America and my
friends, but Korea is pretty sweet and cheap as all get out.
If I could earn the kind of money in America as I do here,
with the same low expenses, I'd never go back.
Mercedes and I used to order out a lot, and in America it
cost about ten dollars a day for the both of use to have one
meal, plus snacks, deserts and drinks and you're talking
more like fifteen to twenty bucks. Here in Korea we can have
a meal plus snacks and drinks and desert for half that. Sure
we've been drinking a lot more water and a lot less sugary
filth, but you can't do that forever, at least not without a
stomach ache .
The strange thing is that I don't feel any more lucid
than when I was in America, and I haven't smoked pot in six
months. There are some things that a man needs in life, pot
is one of them, I ' d be happy to buy a farm in Thailand and
just smoke myself retarded for the rest of eternity; watch
the rest of the world blow itself up for ideals and cheap
labor in undeveloped countries.
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What am I going to do with the future?
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday August 31, 2 06
519
ALL I N££D IS A MIRACLE ALL I NttD IS YOU
Probably the first thing I ever learned about Korea was
as a freshman in high school; it was a story about three
American soldiers who ran over a little girl while they were
tooling around Seoul. Sure I knew about the Korean War, but
they really downplay that one (America doesn't get excited
about ties) in the textbooks. I was surprised to learn how
many American troops are stationed around the world, and I
was very critical of the military assholes that ran over the
little girl.
I'm still very critical of the military, and the people
who j ine up, but I've learned a lot about forgiveness in the
time being; so, while I might not think highly of the
trained killers in our government's employ, I don't hold it
against them personally (I just think they should be honest
about what they do for a living) .
The other day, on the way to school, I ran over a little
girl. The soldiers killed theirs; I just injured mine
(granted I was only on a bicycle) . Many Koreans are in the
habit of not watching where they're going, and many parents
just let their children wander around unsupervised. I was
racing my bike along through a mini -park and a four or five
year old girl rushed out from behind a group of older
children and I collided with her; she hit her head on my
handlebar and broke my gearshift.
520
I didn't know what to do. I apologized to her mother, but
she didn't speak any English (the woman looked like she
wanted to impale me with chopsticks) .
The little girl cried for about fifteen minutes while the
mother checked her out, nothing was broken, nothing swollen,
she's probably got a nice bruise today. I ended up giving
her mother my cell phone number and telling her to call me
if she wanted me to pay for the doctor. The students who had
obstructed my view of the child helped me to translate.
Now I have to go get my bike fixed, and contend with the
knowledge that I'm no better than an American soldier. It's
a tough load to swallow.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday September 7, 2 06
521
OUT ON THE FReeWAV THE COP LIGHTS ARE FLASHING
Category: Music
I don't get a chance to write much anymore because I seem
to be busy a lot of the time. When I'm not teaching children
I'm always doing something; I haven't written any fiction in
at least two months. I go through cycles where I'm very
productive and then I dry up for a while and work on
something else.
Part of the reason that I'm dry can be blamed on
Billboard. Mercedes used to give me a lot of flack because
of my music collection. "Sure" she would say, "You have a
lot of songs, but they all suck. You only have the music
that you like, and you like shitty music." So I decided to
round out my mp3 collection by downloaded the Billboard top
one hundred songs for every year starting in 197 all the
way through 2 04.
People tell me that I have a strange sense of humor, I
can understand that. I really like watching people suffer.
You've never seen someone suffer until you've watched them
listen to 30 years worth of Billboard top 100s. It was worth
all the Whitney Houston songs in the world just to watch my
wife cringe like that.
522
Unfortunately, the whole fiasco has taken its toll on me.
I can't eat, I hardly sleep, and all I want to do is dance,
dance. . . and murder Don Henly. I used to think that pop
music would save the world, and I still believe that, but
not in the friendly, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure way,
where the planets are aligned and peace reigns throughout
the galaxy, more in the dystopic science fiction
artificially intelligent robots destroy people to save them
from hurting themselves way (You know, like we're doing to
Iraq) .
I can't take it anymore, the "oohs", and the "baby,
babys," I'm very glad that I got 1% of the songs on the
list, because, sure I could use some variety from the
eclecticism of my music collection with nice bland pop, but
there's so much crap out there it's like music that they
pulled out of a cesspool and repacked in a tight leather
skirt. Why does Barbara Streisand have fifteen songs that
were top 100 hits? I am more puzzled by this than I am by
people's inexplicable fear of homosexuals.
Why am I telling you about all this? Because there is a
refuge out there for you, a port in the storm so to speak,
and his name is Dan Bern and he ' s releasing a new album on
the 19th of September. That's right, this is an
advertisement of sorts, an attack ad if you will. I urge you
all to go out and buy Dan Bern's new CD from his website
523
www . danbern . com The address is hard to remember, what with
all this SWV playing in the background so I'll say it again
www . ooohbabybaby . com . Fuck me running, I'm going insane.
There's only one cure for pop music, and that's a healthy
dose of pornography. I'm going to watch women spit semen
back and forth into each other's mouths and try to forget
that Madonna ever existed.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday September 7, 2006
524
AR£ We STARS OUT TONIGHT?
Current mood: ©cheerful
Category: Life
Something feels strange, it's not sitting right; like a
bit of undigested sausage or a visit from Jacob Marley.
I thought that if America would admit to some of the
things they were doing, that I would feel better, but I
don't. The President went on TV and said there were secret
prisons run by the CIA in other countries, something every
president has done since the end of World War II; it's like
something out of bad political fiction. Still, it doesn't
make me feel any better.
Sometimes you get a feeling that someone is cheating you,
sleeping around behind your back, stealing from you when
you're not looking, spitting in your post toasties. You want
to know what's going on, the question tickles your mind
until it just about drives you nuts, but when the curtain
comes down and you see the wizard for what he really is, it
leaves a big hole where there was once a thriving neurosis.
When they say that you learn something new every day,
they neglect to mention that the new information often
destroys your former perception of the world. If you try to
525
fix your world, stop it from changing then you've gone a
good ways towards killing that little spark that makes you a
living sentient being.
I hate change, but if you stop rolling with it, it rolls
over you. When I hear about the resurgence of beliefs in
America that were discussed with derision all my life, I
find it hard to believe that people can revert to the
superstitious peasants they once were. I have trouble
changing my belief that America is a country of progress and
enlightenment, the same way that Rome used to be.
Fear motivates a lot of that resistance to change,
everybody is afraid to grow old and die. Even I shrink
before the idea of aging and death, but I'm ready for
it. The world mourns the passing of very few individuals and
it is not long after passing that their memories
are distorted (turning Steve Irwin from raving lunatic to
respectable guardian of endangered species) ; even our
families will one day forget us or die themselves. Why all
this fear?
I'm at a loss to explain the actions of my fellow
primates, especially considering their "free will" but if
the history of mankind has shown that we easily revert back
to a superstitious state of fear and murder, through war and
526
political oppression, then is our will really free or do we
simply have the means to pretend it is.
I like to pretend, that's why I play D&D, I did it as a
child without dice and THACO and I do it as an adult with
those things; I even like to think of myself and handsome
and charming, but the reality is very different. I wish I
could pretend that we live in a world where we don't grow
old and die, where a new crop of children won't look at us
old timers and wonder what the hell we're talking about,
where the brightest minds and best ideas won't fade into
oblivion.
During the course of writing this blog I went from very
depressed to very hopeful, it was that last line, in the
last paragraph. It made me think about the floor of any
stock market and a piece of candy I dropped the other day.
They're both swarming with insects now, ants on the candy
and brokers on the exchange; both groups probably think
they've got a good handle on the world, and they'll go right
on thinking that even as a giant foot comes down to squash
them. The ants will probably be killed by some murderous
child, venting their pre-pubescent psychopathic tendencies,
the brokers will require a bigger foot, probably Godzilla or
something like that.
527
I don't want to scramble to live, I want to be a leech. I
want to suck all the life and vitality and money from
society for as long as I can and die knowing that I've never
done an honest days work in my life (that's why I'm a
teacher) . I will now go outside and wait to be crushed by
falling objects.
Friday September 8, 2006
528
ARE YOU GONNA SCRIBBLE IN THE DARK WITH A MARKER
I'm not going to write about September 11th.
When I was in middle school there was a kid whose mother was
killed in a fairly horrific way. I knew the kid, but I
didn't know him very well, so I didn't go to the memorial
service they held at school; everyone else at the school
went, even the ones who didn't know the mother or the kid.
If you went to the service you got to skip the morning
classes. Even at the tender age of twelve it sickened me
because I saw through the ruse .
I used to lie all the time, and I learned at a very young
age most people are willing to believe a lie if its
inventive enough because they're too lazy or afraid to
challenge it. My best friends are the ones who tell me to
shut up because I'm being pompous or outright lying (even
though I do my best to avoid it, we are human) . Mostly, I
try to be honest about my intentions, when I do something I
want to know why I'm doing it, and sometimes it takes
awhile, but in the end its better if I'm honest with myself
about the why.
One of the best places to watch a dramatization of people
unconsciously expressing their desires is Seinfeld, that
single aspect is what made that show one of the best on
television for a long time. The best part about the
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characters' lying wasn't that they were consciously trying
to deceive (most of the time) but that they honestly
believed their own lie, the mark of a true psychopath.
I've also harbored a lot of grudges in my life, for
people that did, and did not, deserve my anger. The behavior
the human mind is best at accomplishing is justifying our
irrational actions with our rational thoughts. Everybody
thinks they're a good person, even Hitler thought he was a
pretty swell guy. It's okay if I eat a half a gallon of ice
cream, I ' 11 take the stairs instead of the elevator
tomorrow. I know I told myself that I'd take the elevator
today, but I'm already running late... I'll go to the gym
this weekend.
The whole of human civilization is built on a giant lie,
and we keep perpetuating that lie to make ourselves sleep a
little easier and worry a little less. Very few people think
they're going to die, because they don't want to think about
it. The world began when I began thinking and it will end
with me .
The real tragedy is that these little lies become
enmeshed with our personas until we can't tell the
difference between truth and reality and the world becomes
what it is today. People say the quality of life is getting
better every day, but I don't know if I'd agree with that.
530
At least back then, you knew that the people around you were
blood thirsty murderers who'd sell you into slavery if given
half the chance. Now you call them acquaintances, and you
send them Christmas cards with pictures of your ugly
children.
But listen to me, back then. . . in my day. . . all these
things are just more mantras to keep us from understanding
that the utterly random and cruel world around us is a
cheaply constructed illusion that falls apart like freeze
dried coffee beans and instant oatmeal.
There's one thing that isn't a lie, and that's death,
we're all going someday, so we'd better make the most of it.
How do you live every moment like it's the last?
I like to examine the various smells that are coming off my
body. This weekend, I didn't do much, just sat around; I did
do laundry though, and the mixture of sweat and semen and
incense and fabric softener is oddly comforting, like
racquetball in a Buddhist worehouse .
I was watching a porno the other day where these two
girls spit cum back and forth into each other's mouths three
or four times.
531
These are little lies that I tell myself to forget that
I'm sitting here doing nothing while someone is being raped
right now, and there's a kid somewhere being murdered,
probably in front of his own parents.
Tragedy is an easy thing to find in the world, it's one
of those lies that people like to tell to themselves like my
sperm swapping ladies and when it occurs people flock to it
for their own reasons. Some of them so they can get out of
English class, the rest so they can look at the dead bodies
and feel safe that the same thing won't happen to them
someday. It's always easier to watch other people suffer,
and the ones that cry the loudest are the ones who don't
want you to know that they're laughing at the devil on the
inside; laughing because they beat death again, like those
poor suckers who jump for joy when they win a few grand at a
slot machine right before they pump it all back in. Whether
you're on terra firma or the ground floor of the Belaggio,
the game is rigged, and you're not coming out a winner. At
the end of the day, I can look back and say, at least I saw
two women sharing Lexington Steele's Semen.
And I didn't talk about September 11th.
If Jesus were alive now, he'd be wearing Birkenstocks . -
Lupus -
532
Sex Mahoney for President
The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie
comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth
within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for
himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to
love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without
love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and
sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying
to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can
be more easily offended than anyone. You know it is
sometimes very pleasant to take offence, isn't it? A man may
know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented
the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it
picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of
a molehill --he knows that himself, yet he will be the
first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till
he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine
vindictiveness .
Dostoevsky, from "The Brothers Karamavoz"
Tuesday September 12, 2006
533
SUNSHINE LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS, EVER/THING THAT'S WONDERFUL IS
WHAT I FEEL WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER
Category: News and Politics
Now I'm going to talk about September 11th, but before I
do that, a point of semantics.
My wife and I were talking about September 11th yesterday
and we were both unhappy with the name of the date of
remembrance, so during the course of this blog, I'm going to
call it Trade Center Day, or TC day for short.
There are certain things that trouble me about TC day and
the public's willingness, including President George W Bush,
to give Osama Bin Laden exactly what he wanted then and
wants now.
We'll get to the big questions in a minute, let's start
off small. How did the terrorists attack?
This is a seemingly straightforward question, but even a
simple analysis reveals something frightening about the
human capacity to be cow towed. Hijackers, armed with very
small knives, took over a plane. Ignore all the conspiracy
bullshit and assume that flight 93 passengers did the heroic
thing and stood up to the terrorists, it took them a long
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time to do it (that flight was the longest one in the air) .
Anyone who's ever threatened another person knows that most
people will do anything to avoid a fight even if that means
bowing away politely from a person who is a complete asshole
and entirely powerless (I'm the weakest motherfucker you'll
ever probably meet, but I can still scare the bejeesus into
people by force of personality alone) .
A projectile weapon, like a gun, is very dangerous,
because with moderate skill you can kill someone from across
the room, but with a knife you've got to know what you're
doing and get in real close. Now they don't let you bring
knives onto planes, even box cutters, because lord knows
that nothing else could be used as a weapon; however, the
last time I flew, I had a shitload of quarters and a sock
that could have done a lot more damage than a box cutter and
at a greater range, cutting down on the chances that I'd
have to take someone on in close quarters. If I had a box
cutter and a sock full of quarters I'd have my own jumbo jet
right now.
The terrorists had box cutters, that's to be sure, but
they took over the planes with a very simple weapon, fear.
People were too afraid to do anything because... fill in
your own reason, and what (possibly) went down in
Shanksville could have happened on every one of those
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flights if Suzy Homeraaker and Johnny Fuckingyuppie had a
testicle to share.
The second, and slightly more important question is why.
Why did the terrorists attack the United States?
There are lots of complicated answers to this question
(they hate our freedom, snicker, snicker and America is an
imperialist pig-dog that is leading the world down a moral
sewer) , but the answer is very simple, America was the most
powerful nation in the world and they could do it. They also
knew, or at least hoped, that they would get the reaction
they wanted.
Sometimes all it takes for a monster to take off its mask
and expose itself is just to goad it a little bit, draw a
little blood and then watch as it expends all its energy
chasing its tail.
Why did the terrorists attack us on TC day? Because for
the terrorists, they were able to accomplish with a meager
budget and a lot of determination, what every dollar spent
by the US since has failed to do, strike fear into the
hearts of a whole country.
The US attacks of Afghanistan and Iraq have not made
terrorists any more afraid of the US than they were before
536
September 11th, they're still doing the same shit they were
doing then, except now a lot more Islamic people who were
right of the center, condemning the terrorists for their
approach, are leaning a lot further left, and offering some
understanding to the jihadists. The Taliban is mounting some
tough resistance in Afghanistan and people are still dying
regularly in Iraq. Conservatives were right when they said
that Iraq is not like Vietnam, less Americans had died in
Vietnam after three years of combat .
So the outcome, did the attack succeed? This is the big
question, and the easy answer is to look at the giant crater
in downtown Manhattan and say hell yes, but bringing down
the twin towers was not the ultimate goal of the terrorists.
It was to do what their name says, spread terror.
What's the point of attacking a civilian structure, early
in the morning when fatalities would be relatively low?
My mother owns a very large Doberman, a dog that could
easily tear me to ribbons if it wanted to, but if I raise my
voice to it (hell, if I even go near it) the damn thing
pisses on the floor and cowers in fear.
I've seen a lot of ex post facto fighters in my day, the
kind of people who get their ass kicked and then shout
threats and obscenities, through broken teeth and bloody
537
noses, as their attackers walk away. It takes any sympathy
you might have had for a person who just had their ass
handed to them, and ruins it.
If the goal of the terrorists was to make the US look
bad, they succeeded.
If the goal of the terrorists was to hurt US finances and
industry, they succeeded in the short term, but things are
getting gradually better.
If the goal of the terrorists was to take down the twin
towers, they succeeded.
If the goal of the terrorists was to spread fear, well
it's five years later, and they're still succeeding.
So I offer to you, my humble solution for dealing with
terrorists, ignore them, turn the other cheek. Go right
about your daily business as if nothing ever happened.
Prior to having their ass handed to them, my friends the
ex post facto fighters would be the ones in a party or a bar
making an ass of themselves, jumping on furniture, doing
George W Bush in college impressions, making fun of people
who look different. Most of the time, people will ignore a
person like that because they're usually crazy, and, like I
538
said earlier, most people will do anything to avoid a fight.
The only time these people become a problem is when another
crazy asshole (who's been doing the same thing on the other
side of the room) and the ex post facto fighter accidentally
bump into each other. Then it's time for these two idiots to
go outside and beat the crap out of each other. I have no
problem with that, hell, I'll usually try to break it up,
but if they're set on it, I'll watch them fight; however,
it's a little more destructive when they're using smart
bombs and jumbo jets to hit each other... makes it less fun.
I've spent my whole life rooting for the underdog.
Hollywood churns out crap like Spiderman and Titanic, that
costs millions of dollars, and then some nut job with a hand
cam makes the Blair Witch project for two packs of
cigarettes and a handjob and it outperforms the big boys.
America spends trillions of dollars beefing up defense and
national security, holding congressional hearings, training
police officers, and every other waste of fucking money on
the goddamn planet, and they still can't stop a couple of
guys with box cutters. If that's not the ultimate up your
ass with a rubber hose, then my name isn't Sex Mahoney (even
though my name isn't Sex Mahoney, don't hold that against
me) .
If you want to stop terrorists, just ignore them, it
makes them look weak and pathetic, like they really are; if
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you want to justify their anger to the world, then march
into an oil rich country and kill women and children.
It's time to face the facts America, you were pantsed on
TC day, and everybody saw your little dick; now it's too
late to take that back. Try not to make it any worse than it
already is.
Fuck this shit; I'm wasting too much time when I should
be playing with myself.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday September 12, 2006
540
I DO KISS YOU EAT A PIECE OF CAKE
Category: News and Politics
Things have been way to serious around here. It drives me
nuts, but as my return to America date gets closer and
closer, I'm less and less sure I want to go back to America.
The place scares the crap out of me. So here's something a
little on the political side and a little on the humorous
side, to lighten things up.
Republicans want to repeal the estate tax (death tax) ,
and that didn't make any sense to me the first time I heard
about it. The tax mostly affects the wealthy, and most
republicans are far from wealthy, so I was puzzled why they
supported this tax cut.
If we cut taxes to the wealthy, America will have a
permanent aristocracy, which seems bad on the surface, but
I've studied a lot of medieval and renaissance society and
aristocracy is a good thing, because, as every knows, the
longer a family has been around the more noble they are.
America is a country lacking in nobility.
I was still perplexed, but a little closer to
understanding .
541
You see, the southern states (the ones that rebelled) are
now, and were then, very concerned with nobility and
gentility. Even if America lacked the titles of Europe, that
didn't mean that wealthy landowners, and the citizen serfs
who worked the farms, had thrown over all their manners and
breeding from the old world.
It comes as no surprise now, that the descendants of
those noble people have become the core of the new
Republican Party.
I was born in the north, and it is a common misconception
(among northerners) that they are the more noble, the more
honorable, and the more worthy citizens of the country; this
is a bald faced lie and one need only look to the south to
discover the falsehood.
Do not blame northerners who can't see the answer that is
right in front of their face, they do not know god, the way
that religious people from the south know god. They have
lost their way. Many of my northern colleagues believe in
the church of science and that man evolved from monkeys
millions of years ago, but as I, and the noble Southerners
know, that is impossible. Not only is the Earth too young to
have species evolve over millions of years, but God created
humans .
542
I have noticed certain characteristics prevalent in the
south, most notably, facial asymmetry, smaller adult size,
hemophilia, and a weakened immune system. This proves
conclusively that the people of the south, the core base of
the Republican party, are more noble than their northern,
and democratic counterparts, for it is easy to see that were
made when God was still new at his craft and had not yet
perfected the human form; therefore, the people of the
south, and by extension the core base of the Republican
party, are the older families of humanity, and far more
worth of the title, noble.
It is understandable why Republicans are so indebted to
destroying the death tax; anything that poses a threat to
those venerable and noble people must be destroyed, or this
country will perish like so many before it.
[This is a lot meaner than I usually like to be, but I
read a similar story yesterday (about inbreeders in Italy)
and I figured, why not reimagine the damn thing.]
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday September 13, 2006
543
WE'RE GONNA TEAR THIS MOTHER OUT
Category: News and Politics
This was a rather astute blog, and much better than the
usual tripe on Myspace, but I have to disagree with you on
one point about World War 2. If, in 1942, FDR had brought
American troops back home, it wouldn't have made a bit of
difference in the war. The Nazis would have been wiped out
either way, Russia would have made sure of that, and when
they were done with Germany they would have most likely
taken care of Japan as well. It is a fundamental difference
between the Russian and American people, a matter of
weakness and stomach.
America is a country that usually fights in foreign
lands, so they fight the way hired killers fight, like
thieves and brigands. The disrespect the people they're
fighting, they mock foreign customs, they rape, pillage, and
plunder. This is not a condition solely belonging to
America, it happens to every army when they invade a foreign
country (just look what Russian soldiers did once they got
into Berlin) . It ' s hard to fight against people who are
fighting to defend their country, that ' s why Russia
obliterated Germany (and were similarly stymied in
Afghanistan) .
544
America used the atomic bomb from a position of weakness.
As I'm sure you're aware, numbers don't matter in war,
there's another force that can move 100,000 men to overrun
an army of three times that size. America saw what it would
take to force surrender of Japan, and instead of doing what
an honorable nation does (which is sacrifice the lives of
thousands of conscripted, under educated 18 year olds) , it
elected a surgical cure for bloodshed.
I mention all his history to refute your claim that we
are fighting foreign soldiers in Iraq. Foreign soldiers
would have given up before now; foreign soldiers will bow to
superior numbers. The resistance in Iraq fights like
soldiers defending their homeland. If the Iraqi resistance
is comprised mostly of mujahideen, as you claim, they fight
as if it were there homes at stake, and under such an
ideology, there is no way to "win." You said that the war on
terror will never end, well in the words of a great sage and
scholar, named Joshua, the only way to win is not to play.
As to your defense of Christianity and its place in
American ideology, it's the judge's job to throw down laws
that are unconstitutional, besides, it has happened in the
past that the judiciary has struck down laws and the
executive has failed to enforce them. The point of the
decision was that it endorsed religion (regardless of
whether is was Christian) by subsidizing it. If
545
manufacturers and farmers and all the other recently
deregulated businesses don't need the government to protect
them, then neither does a god, the god, whatever.
Is President Bush playing a "god card?" Judging by how
much he knows about the bible, hell yes. I'd bet dollars to
doughnuts that I've read (and retained) more of the bible
than the president and I'm half his age. When you pay lip
service to a highly suggestible portion of the population by
promising them things you can't possibly deliver, that's a
"god card." Religion and farts are practices best kept to
yourself .
Don't forget that judges appointed by conservative
presidents have decided every landmark establishment case.
In fact, only two judges on the current supreme court were
appointed by Bill Clinton, the rest are the products of the
god-fearing Republican candidates of the last quarter
century. I hate when conservatives talk about liberal
activist judges, the supreme court is one of the last
vestiges of public servants acting for the public good,
whether it remains so, only time will tell.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday September 15, 2006
546
A TASTE OF HONtY, TASTING MUCH SWe^TER THAN WINE
Category: Writing and Poetry
Doo Doo ' n Doo
I was sitting at home this morning, watching this woman
slurp cum out of another woman's asshole, when I realized
that I've been putting too much serious crap on this blog,
and there hasn't been enough hilarity around here in a
while. What do you want, I've been reading encyclopedia's
all week.
My school has given me an assignment to write a text book
for them, so now I teach half the week and write the rest,
so I've been reading wikipedia to make paragraphs that kids
can use to practice their speaking, listening, and reading
skills. So far, I've written paragraphs on the Galapagos
Islands, Tyr the Wuss God, wind resistance, the US Supreme
Court, how to wrestle an alligator...
Actually, I made that last one up just now, but now that
I think about it, I'm going to use it.
Remember all those English textbooks you read as a child,
correcting sentences about stupid subjects that no one in
their right mind would ever care about? That's what I'm
547
writing. I even did a paragraph on the Chupacabra. Take that
Korean children, here's a South American goatsucker to rock
you to sleep.
Some people think I'm not meant to teach children, and to
them I say, pay me to do something else. I'd teach adults
except most of them are dumber and worse behaved than the
kids .
I suppose the best place for me to be, would be a place
where I could teach porn theory. Every time I log online, I
look for Cum Guzzler U, but so far, no progress, they must
not be hiring.
I ride a bicycle because its fun and driving sucks, and
on the way home last night I was thinking about making
plans. Not that I was thinking of something to do, but I was
meta-thinking about making plans. I used to know a Korean
girl and we would often talk about the future; never once
did it cross my mind to say to her that someday I ' d be in
Korea teaching kids how to speak English. How many of you
are right where you want to be?
Sure life is what happens to you while you're making
plans, but I've basically stuck to mine (mostly because I
kept it vague) . I don't want to work in an office, and I
don't want to be a salesman. If I were a little smarter I
548
would have learned a trade instead of wasting my time in
college, and right now I'd be fixing a car and whistling up
a lady's skirt, instead I just wasted a lot of money.
Now don't get me wrong, education is a fine thing;
without it, we might have a mess of people like me on our
hands (shiftless individuals without any real skills, you
know a nation of middle management) , but there are some
things they don't teach you in school.
I teach my students how to cheat all the time. Not the
lame, write the answer on the back of your sunglasses
cheating, but how to get by without doing any real hard
work; how to be vague, how to speak like a politician. I
guess you could say that it ' s not really cheating since you
have to work hard at it, but I used to get in trouble for
this kind of thing back when I was in grade school and most
teachers don't seem to like it. That's what's led me to
believe it's a good thing.
I was a brash little bastard, and I thought I was smarter
than everybody; I had no problem lying recklessly to adults
because I figured they just wanted to hear what they wanted
to hear. That bit of knowledge has helped me immensely as an
adult .
549
I started thinking about a class that could be taught in
school, or out of it, that would detail all the things that
adults don't like children knowing about. Those lies that
adults tell children because they think the kids are just
too stupid to know any better, like: "Mommy is just having a
few drinks because it helps her sleep better (and swallow
daddy's wrinkled, gray, crotch smelling, 50 year old cock),
and "This is a friend from work, why don't you go play
outside. We have business to discuss, and don't tell your
mother (that's I'm going to show my secretary how I can fit
my whole fist in her ass) . "
There's a lot that kids are keen on, but there's some
things out there that they should know, and if McDonald's
can tell them that the Hamburgler founded the US (in the
textbooks McDonald's generously donated to the child's
school) then I can tell one kid that the best way to hurt
your friends, and tell another the best places to troll for
pussy.
The answer to the former question is to sleep with their
close relatives; the answer to the latter is the mall.
Someday, maybe the world will be a perfect place; in the
meantime, I left off with the words my favorite camp priest
used to say to me: "You can scream all you want, but its
just you, me and the holy ghost in here."
550
These are the things I thought about while I watched a
women fart cum out of her ass, but here's my real question
(for those of you who slogged through the debacle I call
writing) : the pornstar looks just like a friend of mine and
I've know about her for a while; I'm good friends with the
girl, her brother and her former boyfriend, who should I let
know first? All three of them would be really funny, and I
just can't decide.
I have a new favorite black pornstar, his name is
Blackzilla and he looks like Jay-Z his penis is a national
landmark. Little white girls, be afraid, be very afraid.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday September 15, 2006
551
TONIGHT WE GET £I/£N
Category: Life
Mercedes and I had a wonderful weekend; we went down to
Namdaemun market and looked for monkeys; instead we found
half a kilo of red pepper spice and a bag of banana chips.
Someday I'll own a monkey, but not today.
Sometimes I get caught up in all the ugly things in the
world that I forget to talk about what's really important,
the beauty in this world of ours. Who cares that the world
will someday end when there are still flowers to smell and
pornos to watch? The world is a place of wonderful
entertainment .
I don't know about the rest of you, but I love amusement
parks, they scare the crap out of me . I do my best to keep a
steady demeanor, but most of the time, my knees are
trembling with excitement and terror; just before a roller
coaster takes off, I have a vision of my own death, and it
elates me just as much as it scares me.
There's something about that unknown that really gets me
going, but it's been lessening over the years. The law of
diminishing returns, I'm no longer thrilled as easily as I
552
used to be, but there's still plenty of excitement to be had
in real life.
I haven't been in a natural disaster since I was a child,
but I'm thinking of hunting them down and experiencing all
the thrill there is in an earthquake. I've never been to the
West Coast of America, but I recently asked a few people who
lived out there what it was like to go through one.
"Fucking scary," said an anonymous source from Hollywood.
I don't know that I'd approach the thing in the same way.
I'm objective; I think that I could separate the horror of
the event from the enjoyment I might receive. I've been in
training, you see.
About a year ago, this older woman asked me why I don't
wear a helmet when I ride a bike. I told her because I
wanted to die in a bicycle accident; I don't think she got
the joke. There's a feeling I get when I'm riding a bike
that I never feel at any other time. It's impossible to
recreate, but sometimes when I'm sweating like a bastard and
the wind is blowing all around me, I feel content... hell, I
swell with pride and happiness.
When I was a kid I used to feel dirty for masturbating,
not once or twice, that was fine, but I'm talking about one
553
of those days where you have nothing to do, it's raining
outside, you're too young to drive, and you masturbate four,
five, or six times in a day (my female readers think nothing
of this, they masturbate more frequently than that) . I
hardly ever have the time or privacy to masturbate that much
anymore, so masturbation isn't the problem, but sometimes
when I'm reading the news for extended bouts of time I get
the same feeling.
Some people say that shared joy is joy doubled and shared
sorrow is sorrow halved, but they're both the same, the
closer you play it to the vest the more intimate that
feeling, when you try to share them they seem paltry (like
at the end of American Beauty, blech. . . gag me with a
spoon) . For instance, look above; where I wrote about
feeling good on my bicycle, most of you are probably
thinking that I'm some kind of an idiot, or that I really
like a bicycle seat rhythmically massaging my anus. I can't
tell you what it felt like, and if I try, the words I use
come out cheap, used, and paltry, like a hallmark greeting
card.
As much as I like writing, I hate words. Sometimes I meet
people on the street, people that make me so angry, and I
can't truly express how I'm feeling in a mutually beneficial
way. I'm stuck using all these useless words, when really
I'd like to stick my fist in their ass. I'm not saying I'm
554
perfect, I'm sure I'd get more than just one fist, and by
the end of the day I'd actually have a new one torn, but
it ' s a lot better than using these petty words.
I try not to say anything if I'm angry or happy anymore,
I just keep quiet and enjoy that feeling inside me. I guard
it jealously, because it's mine. I have to share so many
things; I'm not letting go of that.
That may be part of the problem. You see, when I was a
kid I never had any good toys, I always got hand me downs.
Leftovers from cousins who were finished breaking things
enough that they didn't want them anymore. Where they came
from and who these cousins were, I have no idea. I didn't
care; I just played with crap and broke it more. When I was
tired of that, I usually just broke my parents crap anyway.
The problem was that my friends all had nice toys, and
none of them knew how to share . When you have brothers and
sisters, you learn how to share. If you have brothers and
sisters, chances are, you know how to share. I developed a
defense mechanism for that, I waited until everyone had
already picked what they wanted, and I chose something that
no one in their right mind would ever desire, then I
convinced myself to like it (sincere apologies to my wife,
but if she didn't want to marry a loser, she should have
married someone else) .
555
Maybe that's just me, I don't want anything that people
have their grubby hands on. I don't want to scrounge in the
mud like a pig. It's translated to my adult life; my wife
says that I'm unemployable. I say that I'm not willing to
rut like a sow. Either way it works out to be the same.
Would you hire me? Sometimes I think I'm afraid, that I'm
rationalizing my fear by inventing these excuses so I don't
have to face the fact that I might not die by the time I'm
thirty. That's why I'm going natural disaster hunting. I
want to go out fast and furious, but I'm afraid to do it
myself, so we'll see if God can get the job done any
quicker. I used to think old people had gone soft, until I
learned that Miami, Florida is the most disaster prone city
in the country. Sure it sucks worse than hell on earth,
but if the hurricanes and gangs don't get you, the humidity
might . See you in gator country?
I didn't think so.
Sex Mahoney for President
To be, or not to fuck, -- that is the ottoman;
whether 'tis nobler in the rectum to suffer
The slings and octopi of repellent fortune,
Or to take geese against a sea of hamburgers,
And by rinsing end them. To die, -- to run, --
556
No more ; and by a run to say we end
The bottle and the 6 96 9 natural shocks
That flesh is Grave Digger to,-- 'tis a keyboard
soundly to be wish'd. To die, to run,--
To run! perchance to exsanguinate! Ay, there's the peanut
butter;
For in that run of death what jellies may come
When we have shat off this grand coil,
Must give us banana. . . .
Monday September 18, 2 06
557
SLIP A GRIP AROUND MY TIP AND THEN YOU'LL B£ MY KUNGON
There's a targeted group in the US and they've been
pushed around long enough.
Conventional drugs tests collect urine samples from test
subjects and screen for a variety of drugs. I will now list
the drugs and the amount of time they stay in the body: Meth
(2-5 days) , Phenobarbital (7-14 days) , Heroin (2-3 days) ,
LSD (2-24 hours), Marijuana (27-48 days) . I can shoot heroin
on Friday night and be clean by Monday morning for my drug
test, but I can't smoke pot or else I'll test positive for a
month, maybe two.
I like to think that the world is fair (what the hell,
I'm an optimist), but is there any reason why testing
positive for marijuana would disqualify anyone for a job? To
quote the great sage Bill Hicks, "You can do anything while
high that you can do while you're sober, you just realize
that it's fucking pointless." Or something like that. So
many of these young go getter types love their speed (2-3
days) , their coke (1-3 days) , and their alcohol (3-5 days)
because it makes them sociable, they're more relaxed when
they're drunk and drugged up. They're also more aggressive.
I've had extensive experience with potheads and drunks in my
life and if I had to pick the person more likely to get me
in trouble, it'd be the drunk every time.
558
I bring this up because Willy Nelson was recently-
arrested for possession of marijuana, a pound and a half of
it, along with some mushrooms. The police officers that
arrested him said they searched the bus because they didn't
know it belonged to Willy.
I'm not going to pontificate about this subject for long
because my views are pretty standard, but there is something
I'd like to say in defense of drug users everywhere.
In a world where I can buy a bottle of toilet water for
$75 and lottery tickets are sold by the government, where
tool companies can put half dressed women next to a cordless
drill, and Ron Popeil can tell me that spray hair looks just
like real hair, where the president can lie to the public
about drunk driving and why he ' s using US troops to fight a
war, at the very least you could get high off a little
reefer .
Some people say, "Why bother? It's not like it's hard to
find." And it's not, they're right, but the consequences for
being found with it are more severe than necessary. A
prisoner, let out of jail on parole, can get off his tits
drunk and walk around a free man, but if he smokes a little
dope, then it's back in the slammer. It doesn't make any
sense, especially in a world where I've seen someone vomit
from beer, stand up and whoop about their accomplishment (a
559
pleasure I have been guilty of myself) . It feels like the
American people are the town whore, and the government is
some poor deluded fucker that really wants to fuck her
trying to defend her honor to the ten guys whose cum she
swallowed while America was in the bathroom. That's not a
great analogy, but what do you want, it's hard to find
things to compare to bukkake .
Grandma ' s apple pie and whole lot of cum in your face .
George W Bush's approval ratings and a whole lot of cum
in your face .
That last one wasn't too bad, although (despite people's
claims that all women are degraded in porno) I'm sure that
Tera Patrick is a more well known and respected public
figure that George W Bush. If you haven't already today, go
smoke a joint, and watch some bukkake.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday September 19, 2006
560
SANTA CLAUS SAID EUREKA, I GOT THE GREATEST IDEA
Category: Religion and Philosophy
Two major symbols of Christmas are Jesus and Santa
Clause, and neither has anything to do with Christmas.
Santa Claus, in his modern incarnation, is a mostly
northern phenomenon; the original Saint Nicholas was a Turk
who helped two (or three, the story changes) young girls
escape a life of prostitution by giving them gifts of gold.
Because Saint Nicholas's holiday is celebrated in December,
northern pagan tribes (like Danes, Angles, Saxons, Jutes,
Swedes) who made their living on the seas gave Saint
Nicholas a very high place of honor in their pantheon and
eventually associated him with Wotan (also called Odin) .
Odin was a wise man, with a long white beard, who would
wander the world with knowledge of who was good and who was
bad, in a sleigh pulled by his eight valkryies (who rode
flying horses) , he also brought gifts and good fortune to
those who were good. When large numbers of northern
Europeans brought their traditions and customs to America,
Nicholas and Santa Claus became further mixed until they are
now one and the same. Pagan symbol, co-opted by uninventive
Christians, becomes a sacred symbol (or a graven image,
depending on your point of view) .
561
But Jesus, that's a different story all together. One of
the ways writers determine if an ancient work is fiction is
by examining certain tropes; for instance, certain things
don't often happen in real life, but they happen in fiction
very often, like having a birthday and conception day
exactly matched to the Vernal Equinox and Winter Solstice.
This is not entirely uncommon, I was conceived in the spring
and born in the fall, but when it happens exactly, it's
usually a give away that you're reading something fictional.
It's also worthwhile to note that Roman soldiers,
returning from the Middle East brought back stories of a god
named Sol Invictus, or the unconquered sun. Sol Invictus was
born in a manager, attended by shepherds and wise men and
all that ricketa-racketa . What's interesting to note is that
Sol Invictus traveled to Rome and replaced Apollo as the
primary Solar deity during the first and second centuries
CE . When Christianity came two centuries later, many of the
attributes of the Sun god, went to the new God Son,
including representations of Jesus with a halo around his
head, and riding a flaming chariot. Pagan religions used
December 25th as the birthday of the sun because it came
just after the Winter Solstice, the point in the year when
the sun started winning its battle against the darkness and
were "reborn" every year. It is also the source of the
Christian phrase, "I am the light, I am the resurrection."
562
Many other symbols of Christmas, such as the evergreen
tree (a symbol of Saturn, an agrarian deity) , Christmas
feasts (although that's a loose connection as every holiday
is an excuse to get drunk and eat too much) , and mistletoe
(connected with the death of the Norse god Baldur) .
Wednesday September 20, 2006
563
ONCE A (JOLLY SWAGMAN CAMPED BESIDE A BIUABONG
Category: News and Politics
If nothing else, Australia has the best national anthem
in the world; nothing else comes close.
I was picking dried turds from the crevices in my anus
today when I started thinking about computer viruses. I like
to think of programmers out there creating malicious
software just because they can, it helps me make the
comparison to malicious deities creating plagues and
pestilence just to watch humanity wriggle on a pin.
It is a well-known fact that people publicly despise the
very deeds they wish they could perpetrate; hence, the
vigilant lawmaker, crusading to preserve the family turns
out to like shooting firecrackers into a ten-year-old
prostitutes vagina and the anti-drug czar who snorts
crystallized anti-freeze because coke just doesn't do it
anymore .
Which leads me to wonder about George Bush. You see,
publicly he decries abortion, terrorism, and homosexuality.
Well, we've already discussed what people who decry
homosexuality want to do, but what about the abortions and
the terrorism? Is it possible that George Bush wants to
564
abort babies and blow up buildings? If so, the Iraq war
makes a lot more sense; sure the abortions are occurring 18-
42 years too late to be considered "abortions" per se, but
the President is not a person who likes to split hairs, he's
a job do-er, he does jobs. Sham jobs, hack jobs, and blow
jobs if you believe the things that are written in the White
House bathroom.
Now, I'm often invited down to Washington to give guest
lectures and security briefings to the president and his
cabinet, mostly on the state of porn reserves in case of a
full scale attack (don't worry America, thanks to my heroic
efforts, we'll all keep jerking even after an atomic blast),
but last week, the president took me out to lunch and told
me that he wanted my help.
It seems that certain people think he ' s breaking the law,
and since I'm an expert of escaping legal repercussions, he
wanted my advice. Now, the president knows that I disagree
with his policies, but he likes talking to me because of my
frank style (mostly because he ' s a uniter, not a divider)
and because I have the best porn. I told him that the best
way to get out of trouble is to look at what people have
done who have been in your position in the past. So we
started brainstorming about past presidents. We mulled over
a few scenarios and he thanked me for my help.
565
Imagine my surprise when he actually took my advice this
week and employed a strategy I mentioned, called "The
Clinton Defense." The idea is very simple; you take a common
term and pretend like you don't know what the definition
"is." I want to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Bush, I
am flattered.
Some of you might wonder why I would help a man I clearly
despise. I am committed to preserving the power of the
United States, you see, I am going to be president someday,
and if I'm to enact my plan, I need the office of president
to be as powerful as possible.
You see, once I become president I plan on dismantling
the federal government from the top down, but before I strip
myself of power completely, there's something I want to do
first .
I want to tap George Bush and every one of his cronies '
phone calls, and the phone calls of all his friends and
family, then, when I catch him in the act of committing a
crime (it's impossible not to commit a crime, no matter how
good you are) I'll send him to a detention facility far away
from America where he ' 11 be tortured until he gives me the
information that I want (what information that is, even I
don't know, so this is going to take a while), and I will
keep him there for at least five years without ever telling
566
him why, giving him access to a lawyer, or giving him a fair
trial. Even if he doesn't break the law, I'll have him
locked up anyway. Thanks to the man himself, these are all
powers he will give me when I become President.
The only thing that could spoil my plans is if the
American public elects some pussy footing, do-nothing, cut-
and-runner, flip-flopping liberal. Then we're all seriously
fucked, and there will be nothing I can do to help heal
those wounds .
I also thought about cling-ons. You see, I shave the hair
around my anus, and as it's regrowing, I wonder if it helps
or hinders my ability to keep my asshole free of those
little turds that like to stick and dry in that region of
the body. I suppose history will vindicate me.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday September 20, 2006
567
GEORGE BUSH AND GORBACHEV ARE OF THE DESERT THEV WILL NOT PASS
THROUGH
Category: News and Politics
If you've never seen it, check out Jeremy the
Conservative ' s blog. I don't agree with him a lot (most) of
the time, but he's not a bad political writer and he's
already agreed to vote for me in a future election (he
didn't actually say that, but let's just assume he thought
it) . Anyway, this is a comment I left on his page, with one
line added (I didn't want to dirty up his discussion with
gratuitous blowjob talk)
If there is a monotheistic Judeo/Muslim/Christian type
deity, then it follows that the deity is omnipotent,
omnipresent, and omniscient. All things serve god. Just as a
tidal waves and the ritual sacrifice of infants are the work
of God (for whatever reason it has) ; so too are Muslim and
Christian intolerance, Muslim radicalism, and a nun with a
bullet in her head, the work of God. I'm not going to stand
for it, this weekend, when God calls; I'm going to tell him
that I'm washing my hair.
Seriously, is it any surprise that a religious group is
not only extremist but violent? Not more than ten years ago
there were gunmen outside of abortion clinics shooting
568
doctors; in fact, after September 11th, one of the groups
that had experience with violent extremists, and wanted to
help the Bush administration, was Planned Parenthood (they
were turned away) .
Some people bring up history, and that's a valid point,
with both sides accusing each other of atrocities, but Jews
(those venerable old goats) were allowed to live freely and
conduct business in Islamic nations, while they were dipped
in oil and burned at the stake in Europe. That's not to say
that Islamic powers didn't start wars of aggression and
push Roman Catholic states out of the Middle East, but the
same thing happened in Europe the first time Rome fell. The
Muslims were too crafty to be fooled by the same tricks that
the Germans fell for (it seems that you can get Germans to
goose-step to just about anything) .
I imagine it went something like this:
Roman Catholic Church: "Yeah, we used to be the Roman
Empire, and we're sorry that we made you fight in the
gladiator pits, but we're a church now, and we want to be
your friends." Germanic Tribes: "Okay." RCC : "Excellent, now
give us tribute... er, tithes. Yeah, that's the ticket."
RCC: "Hey, remember us. We used to be Rome, but our
military isn't as strong as it used to be, so we're a church
569
now, and we want to be your friends." Islamic Nation:
"Sorry, I already gave."
If you're looking for treachery, dishonesty, and murder
after blessed murder (and you're tired of reading political
blogs) go talk to the religious folks. Christians are mostly
over their blood lust (at least within their own borders,
they don't mind doing it to others), but Islam is still
developing and they didn't get to wipe out an entire race of
people like we did.
As far as Israel is concerned, that's a real touchy
subject. I'm Jewish (enough), but I don't exactly like what
went down in Israel. You see the Palestinians and the
Israelis fought side by side to get rid of the Nazis, and
the allies were so happy about all the hard work they did
(and guilty about not acknowledging the holocaust when they
could have stopped it) that they said, "Hey, it's your
country now. Go ahead, take it." And as so often happens,
when you toss anything valuable between two people who have
become friends to take it away from someone, they
immediately started fighting each other over a useless piece
of desert.
Some people, like the pope, have a vested interest in
human affairs (because said affairs constitute the primary
part of their income) but I'm not beholden to any special
570
interest groups. Take the lot of them and flush them down
the drain, if Muslims can't see why it's hilarious that
they're protesting being called violent by perpetrating
violence, and if Christians can't see why it's hilarious
that they're being intolerant about being accused of
intolerance, then the whole thing just makes me laugh
harder .
Complacency is the root cause of these problems. People
who think they are too busy with important work get too
complacent of religious idiots that they fail to tell them
to shut the fuck up so we can all go back to buying late-
night infomercial products like Girls-Gone-Wild PtlOOO:
Bizarre Vegetable Insertions and Jerry Falwell ' s Jesus
Jumper Bible Study toilet paper, with a picture of the lord
on one ply and a verse from the bible on the other.
Don't overlooking the value and true purpose of cultural
sensitivity. You see, while all these religious extremists
are out in the desert killing each other, I'll culturally
sensitize my way into every piece of Christian or Muslim
poontang I can sink my teeth into (Arab women are hot, not
that Christian girls aren't, but if anybody ever pulled my
dick out of their mouth and said "ya'll" to me I'd poke out
both their eyes) . Now if only I could find a way to convince
my wife that I'm doing it for the good of humanity, then
we're in business.
571
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday September 21, 2 06
572
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH VAG IN YOUR LIFE
Category: News and Politics
I'm overseas, so I was looking up information on how to
send in an absentee ballot today.
VAG
What I found was even cooler than getting to vote. So who
cares if it's sophomoric, I think it's damn funny. And they
say that politicians don't know how to have fun. I can just
picture two overpaid government employees sitting around
eating ding-dongs, smoking a bowl, and laughing their asses
off at all the people out trolling the Internet for VAG.
It's the perfect thing to describe out electoral system.
VAG
Sex Mahoney for President (go ahead, you can do it, just
use your VAG)
Thursday September 21, 2006
573
PZ0PL6. TAKE PICTURES OF EACH OTHER JUST TO PROVE THAT TH£Y
RZALLY EXISTED
Category: News and Politics
I'm disgruntled, I suppose.
I've been listening to Jello Biafra's spoken word albums
these past few days, and it's eerily similar to some of the
things I read on Myspace, you know, all those political
blogs . The only difference is that he's mostly talking about
Democrats, not Republicans.
I know that both parties are corrupt, but I had hoped
that maybe the Democrats would do something other than the
same damn thing as the Republicans. It turns out; they're
all just wolves wearing different clothes.
Maybe the Catholic Church has the right idea, the asshole
doesn't change, but he puts on a new hat. When the old
asshole dies, they just stick the hat on a new guy and
nothing really changes. I'm not in favor of fascism or
anything, but maybe we could make it a stipulation that
anyone who has ever held public office has to wear a big
scarlet P on their clothes.
574
How in the hell do things ever improve? If there were no
profit to be had from humanitarianism, then we'd still be
farming feudal lands. I'm not too sure that we're not still
serfs, working on electronic farms.
One of the avenues of reform I would love to pursue is
the creation of a labor union for office workers. My old man
has been an office worker most of his life and he used to do
the 60+ hours a week (plus commute and work at home) he's
been laid off from failing companies and started his own
business. The closest I ever came to working in an office
was as a security guard for a number of big companies, like
L'Oreal and Pfizer. The way they treat their office
employees makes me sick. Employees are the power; you don't
build a pyramid from the top down except in a pyramid scheme
(and we all know how well that works) .
The worst that happens is the fiscal conservatives are
right and the office jobs leave the US just like the
manufacturing jobs, and it would solve the immigration
dispute because you'd have Americans out there picking their
own fruit. Sometimes, I just don't know, maybe it would be a
good idea if mothers got out of PTA meetings and spent eight
hours a day collecting strawberries and sun poisoning. The
best thing that happens is that bosses start treating their
employees like people instead of indentured servants.
575
I don't know why I am surprised that so many people in
America subscribe to the coming fascism, and you wouldn't be
either if you saw them at work. They're willing to lie down
and take a whole lot of abuse. I don't care what you think
of me, call me a bum, but I won't put up with a boss that
tries that shit. My wife says I'm unemployable, I think
she's just jealous.
I dream of a farm someplace where it ' s fall all year
round, where I can grow marijuana and ignore every person on
the face of the earth while I fill reams of paper with
writing that no one will ever read. Is that too much to ask?
I suppose a little porn wouldn't hurt either.
I read an excellent piece about elections and consumerism
today. If there's anything on the planet more evil than
advertising, I have no idea what it is. Some people think
it's a necessary evil; I think it's evidence that there is a
much larger percentage of people on drugs than this country
will admit to itself or the world. If you can find someone
who has purchased more than five products from late night TV
(I'm being very generous here) you need to become friends
with that person, and find out exactly how someone can go on
being cheated again and again.
I want to be dismissive, that's its for children, that
all advertising is aimed at people who are too young to know
576
any better. Certainly, when I was a little kid, if I saw
something on TV I wanted it, but I can't think of anything
that ever turned out to be half as good in real life as it
was on TV... even porno. When ' s the last time you were in a
seven-girl gangbang?
Caveat Emptor, that's Latin for let me tell you about the
new product available now for a limited time only. It's
called War in Iraq and everybody on your block wants one.
For only twenty dollars you can have ashtrays made from dead
baby bodies and we ' 11 throw the head of an insurgent in for
free. Why for only twenty dollars you can kill your
neighbors annoying child. Aren't you tired of his friends
and their loud music? If you act now, we'll also give you
this set of commemorative Elvis plates, what better way to
remember the king than to eat off his face.
What the hell does Elvis have to do with dinnerware
anyway? I used to think it was just for kids, but just
because your hero is on a plate doesn't make it any cooler
than the Transformers on my lunchbox . Transformers? I don't
know what are kids into these days? Ahh, the fucking
transformers. How retro, that's Bullshit for my warehouse
was running out of room and I found these in some old boxes.
Speaking of retro, what about the Iraq war. Liberals and
conservatives alike have rehashed arguments long left
577
dormant, slogans and rhetoric that no one has used in forty
years is back in play (I'm guilty of this myself) . You'd
think that with a "new" war we'd at least find a new way to
argue about it. I listen to Bill Hick's comedy routines from
when Bush Sr. was in charge and you can play them for people
today, except for the occasional reference to Webster and
Star Search, you'd think he was talking about Jr.
They used to have pet rocks; I can't wait for the day
when someone figures out the right advertising pitch for
"Shit in a Can. "
Republican, Democrat it doesn't matter, if you told these
people that they could get elected by fucking school
children on national television you'd have George W Bush and
John Kerry lubing their cocks on a playground, surrounded by
news cameras, the next day.
It's amazing how good your own shit smells to you. I
think my writing is fantastic (feel free to use it as
fertilizer in your gardens) .
Before I leave you, I want to talk about bait and switch.
It's a very simple thing to do, you advertise a particular
product and when people come into your store to buy it you
sell them something else. It's illegal, but people still do
578
it, because it's kind of hard to prove. Examples of bait and
switch:
"Vote for me and I'll stop those queers from getting
married! Actually, we're all out of that, why don't I show
you some of our poison the environment specials instead."
"Rap music is destroying the American family. Hmm, we're
all out of warning labels, can I show you some of our nice,
white, pointed hoods. The new line just came in."
This blog lost focus about an hour ago, if you're still
reading at this point; you're braver than I am, because I'm
quitting. You can't make me go on any longer. Sure there are
plenty of other generic statement I could make expressing my
outrage, but this has to stop. It's an abomination.
Another thing that bothers me . . .
Will you quit it already, people have better things to do
than listen to you whine. Why don't you go get a job
already?
No one will hire me.
They would if you cut your hair, and shaved those side
burns. What are you some kind of weirdo?
579
Well, yes, but I hardly see how that disqualifies me from
gainful employment. Who is this anyway?
This is your Ego; the Id's been running the show for far
too long here, we're putting you on an all abstinence diet.
No more ice cream treats.
What?
No more political ravings?
But the world needs my help. . .
The world needs an enema, and if you don't stop
blathering like an idiot, then I'm going to grease you and
make you that enema .
I kind of like that idea.
You would, wouldn't you? You make me sick. When are you
going to show some respect?
Respect has to be earned.
You think it ' s any coincidence you have residual coat
hanger scars on your soft tissue, you're mother knew what
you were. A blight, that's what.
580
But people want to hear what I have to say.
I think you're just talking to hear yourself think, it
makes sense considering how much you like playing with
yourself. Show some dignity, that's not something a decent
person does.
Decent people can suck my ass.
All the learning you wasted your money on and that ' s the
best you can do. Where's the style? Where's the grace?
Brevity is the soul of wit.
You can't even think of anything original. You may think
you're winning now, but just you wait. When you're in your
thirties I'm going to make you fat...
No.
and bald.
No!
and a Democrat
581
I guess that's not so bad.
I mean a Republican.
No! ! !
Then it's time to shape up pretty boy, stop bothering
these people with your opinions and go back to writing
fiction.
But my fiction is terrible.
Not half as bad as your opinions.
They're your opinions, too.
Shut up, flesh monkey.
Sex Mahoney for President (don't vote for that putz)
Friday September 22, 2006
582
LOl/e UF£
Category: Romance and Relationships
There's so much tension in this world, and I blame it all
on women .
Everyone knows that women are the cause, the root of all
evil. It's a stated fact. The bible says so, and everyone
knows that everything written in the bible is true. Except
that shit they wrote about me, that was just a pack of
filthy lies.
Let me put it this way, no one in their right mind is
going to go out and blow themselves up if they've got a good
woman giving it to them regular at home; or maybe they will.
I've known plenty of men who were willing to go out and do
the stupidest things just to get away from their ladies. I
mean golf? Come on. Who in their right mind wants to get up
at 6 in the morning to slog after a little white ball?
It ' s not so much that these golfers want to get away from
the ladies who are giving it to the regular- like, rather
they're not getting any at home and they can't stand the
constant reminder of the (maybe) still gorgeous women to
whom they're married.
583
That's the way it's always gone, except studies show that
men are more often the ones who grow cold towards their
wives. Boys are the ones who aren't putting out.
I've been with plenty of women, and as long as you fuck
them proper, they keep the complaints to a minimum. Let's
face it, most of the guys I know are not anything special,
most women are willing to look past the fact that I'm a jerk
as long as I keep them entertained. The minute that stops, I
may as well be one of those dogs you've had forever but
don't have the heart to put to sleep (to the nice ones
anyway, the vicious ladies just dump me at the pound and I
hope for a new girlfriend to come by) .
Women get crazy when they don't get their sex, and it's
impossible for one man to meet the sexual needs of one
woman. Women need many lovers, that's how it works in
nature, and who are we to fight nature (excuse me a minute,
it's getting hot in here, I have to turn the A/C up) . The
irony of the situation is that women are a lot more prone to
monogamy than men. You see them all the time, gals who are
willing to stick by losers (like me) with ferocious loyalty,
despite all logic.
So this strange paradox starts to develop, a woman is
gung-ho for a particular guy, but there ' s no way he can take
care of her proper, and the guy starts getting worn out
584
after awhile. The whole thing initiates this feedback loop,
where the woman starts going a little nutty, and the man
pulls away from her, having less sex than usual, so the
woman gets a little more nutty. . .
The only conclusion I can come to it that Muslim and
American women must be sexual predators in the highest
degree, I mean fuck machines that need dick like oxygen and
cable TV. It's a classic defense, when someone feels they
aren't good enough, they just stop competing; it's the
easiest way to stop losing. It just doesn't make sense any
other way.
You see, men without women start doing some really stupid
things. (The heterosexual kind anyway. Gay men are a lot
more centered in their sexuality because its partly a
choice, but anyone who feels forced into their sexuality
might display these signs.) Like forming elks clubs and
playing golf. Now the more they pull away from their wives,
the more crazy their wives will get, so by the time golf
starts, you're talking about women who are telling their
husbands where to go, what to do, how to do it, who to talk
to, etc.
The women branch out their craziness into other areas
too, the PTA, SIBBA, PETA, a church, by the time this
feedback cycle reaches full force, you're talking about
585
women and men who are entrenched in crazy activities,
perpetuating that craziness and doing some crazy shit. At
least that's what I have to believe to keep myself sane.
I found a website today full of books that parents wanted
taken out of school. Some of their rationale included things
like "glorification of sex and violence and Judaism." I
don't know about you, but Judaism is pretty damn glorious to
begin with, you get to control the banks, the media,
Hollywood, a secret cabal bent on Zionism and world
domination. I couldn't figure out with what this parents
group was so concerned about kids reading about Jews. Until
I looked at their parents organization, a front for a
religious group. I suppose the rational is that if your
child reads about Jews, they'll go out and become one.
I suppose there ' s logic there to support that . At some
point in time, they're parents must have read about
assholes .
Now, I wanted to compare these people to Nazis, but
that's all the rage these days. The Nazis are being beaten
to death out there. We get it; they were evil, get on with
it already. I mean, what's six million Jews, Roms,
Communists, and Labor Organizers anyway. Not much, I can
tell you that.
586
I get into arguments with my wife all the time about
censorship, she says that parents have a right to say what
their children can and can't read, see, listen to, think and
I think that parents have as many rights over their children
as I do over you, who are reading this. I can try to keep
filthy thoughts from your mind as best I can, but eventually
you're going to feel my hand down your pants and I'm going
to have to explain myself.
Earlier I said that the paradox with women is that they
need many sexual partners but they are so committed to one,
well the same thing works for men, men need a constant
partner (think about yourself or your friends, and how you
break down in between ladies) but they're committed to
fucking it up almost as soon as they get in a relationship.
If you ever want to see someone animated, excited, and
interested in the dumbest thing you've ever heard, look for
a married man talking to a gorgeous woman. Oh they pretend,
but I know what you do. I'm one of you, and I'm just as
devious as the rest of you. The paradox is that without a
woman around all the time, a man falls to pieces; men are
little boys that need a mother around to make them feel safe
(and lick their balls from time to time) .
These paradoxes are the primary causes of all the
craziness in our world, so I'm calling on children, to fuck
your mothers, because they need your help more than ever.
587
Some of you may have effeminate fathers, so you'll have to
give them a taste of what ails them and fuck them in the
ass. It may be unpleasant; children, but society will thank
you. I'm also calling on women, those tender flowers, to
drop their sensible veneer and do some good in this world.
Go out and find yourself someone who doesn't speak English
and fuck their brains out, not only will you be doing
yourself a favor, but you're also bringing the world closer
to racial harmony.
I'm sick of people saying that kids don't have rights, of
course they do. Of course you do, children. You know where
mommy and daddy keep their pills, you know; the ones that
make them feel normal (but you must never touch) . Why not
pretend to flush them down the toilet once a week (but hide
them instead) and watch mommy and daddy sweat. Even better,
take their car keys and throw them in a river. Don't let
anyone tell you that you don't have rights. You have just as
much right as your parents, and, since you're still in
school and most likely a virgin, you're probably a lot
smarter and saner than they are; thus, you are more
qualified to make rational decisions.
If you've read this article, children, you know exactly
why mommy and daddy are so crazy. So the next time they try
to get you to do something that you don't want to do, stand
up for your rights; tell them to go fuck themselves.
588
There, now that we have that settled, take those pills
and send them to me, my address is...
Sex Mahoney for President
(it's times like these that I wish there was a family
category for Myspace blogs)
Monday September 25, 2 06
589
CAIDONIA.' CAIDONIA/ WHAT MAKES YOUR BIG HEAD SO HARD?
Category: Music
I love party music. You know the kind that makes white
people wish they were black and makes record executives want
to sanitize (whiten) them for radio/MTV commerciability .
Occasionally I find myself singing along to something
that really swing as I'm on my way home from work and I draw
stares from people who don't expect to see a singing
westerner race past them on a bicycle.
My wife sings a lot more often than I do. Sometimes we'll
be in the supermarket together and she ' 11 start singing
along to "Muskrat Love" or "On the Border." I wish I had
balls that big, I'm often immobilized by fear in those
situations and I'm very reluctant to sing or dance. There
was a while when I was better about it, but you have to
nurture that kind of thing or it goes away pretty quickly. I
thought maybe if I stopped singing and dancing all the time
people would stop asking me if I was gay, but that hasn't
changed at all.
If I had a pair of balls, I'd have a high paying job
right now, because I wouldn't feel bad about lying to people
to sell them things they don't need. Sales jobs are always
590
hiring, and they're not too hard to do; you just have to lie
to people and not feel bad about it as you take their money.
I've met a lot of salesmen in my life, especially
industrial salesmen; they're a vanishing breed these guys ;
the internet and down- sizing has killed most of them. There
is something about that lifestyle that is infinitely
appealing, in the same way that being a porn star sounds
good until the first time that a three hundred pound grip
named Bruce has to fluff you to keep the scene going.
There is a very fine line between reality and our
perception of it, and if you're the kind of person that can
travel freely on that line, then you're not cut out to be a
salesperson. Salespeople live in a world of cutthroat
reality that masquerades as fantasy, again much like
pornstars . I find salespeople to be more interesting than
pornstars though, because a porn star is actively involved
in their livelihood, a salesperson just gives you access to
something else. So while a pornstar might fuck you for a
thousand dollars, a salesperson will sell you the same
service, regardless whether they can deliver on the promise.
Nobody holds car and soda companies responsible when, after
buying said car or soft drink, your halitosis continues to
turn away debutantes and cum dumpsters alike (although I
don't know where that bum got off telling me that he wasn't
interested) .
591
I'd like to think that I'm immune to the charms of
salespeople, but I'm a sucker just like everybody else, and
if the right deal came along I'd jump on it like an idiot.
Like most men, a woman can talk me into just about anything
until she has sex with me; if I ever met a woman who could
genuinely feign interest, she could probably get me to give
her my clothes in the middle of a busy street. The problem
with salespeople, like all other jobs, is that most people
aren't that good at it or too into it, to pull off that kind
of thing.
There are some products that don't need to be sold, they
just grab a person so hard that you have to possess it, no
matter what the cost; it's passion like that which breaks up
marriages and ruins friendships. For some people, commodity
plays a big part in determining desire, and I'm one of those
people. The more rare something is, the more I want it. So
salespeople, if you're listening, all you have to do is tell
me that it's one of a kind and I'm your sucker. I don't go
for all that, "everyone-on-your-block-has-one" shuck and
jive; if anything, the more people that have something the
less I want it.
That's how I feel when I listen to good party music, the
kind that makes even white boys think they can dance people
like Louis Jordan. Last night, I was riding my bike home and
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listening to Saturday Night Fish Fry, and if you've never
heard it, it's just a simple song about a musician who goes
to a party and the cops break it up. It ' s a good tune, and
you can dance to it (if you can dance, I can convulse to
it) . And when the music is good enough, it doesn't matter
who else is listening to it, or what kind of people are
around you, you just get into it and forget the world.
That ' s one of the nice things about going back and forth
between reality and fantasy. I can let go and ignore all the
stupid things (like the fact that I can't dance) that stop
me from enjoying myself. It's an organic moment that springs
up all of the sudden and disappears just as quickly. The
petty and the proud try to force that moment . The
enlightened know how to let it drift away like smoke and
wait for another one .
Salespeople don't do that, they watch like hawks to see
what generates that feeling and they try to capture it in a
bottle for easy resale.
When I was a kid, I remember catching a caterpillar and
keeping it until it turned into a butterfly. I'm married to
a beautiful woman who will probably kick my ass for
announcing that. In two weeks, I'll listen to Saturday Night
Fish Fry on a subway car and feel nothing that will make me
want to sing or dance. I'll listen to my wife singing "Love
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Will Keep Us Together" to a dairy freezer and feel
embarrassed, but I'm listening and waiting. Another one will
come along before long.
Free Art
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday September 26, 2006
GRIM REAPER OF LOVE THRIVES ON PAIN, PEOPLE BEWARE
Category: News and Politics
Sandy Berger has taken a lot of heat for his theft of
classified materials, but there was nothing particularly
damaging about them, and the government does not have the
authority to classify information. They may think they do,
but enough dedicated sons of liberty and a few pounds of
ammunition can make even the most dedicated conspirator give
back to the American public that which is rightfully theirs.
A government that hides information from its people is lying
to them, just as surely as I am lying to my wife when I
don't tell her that I visited a twelve year old Thai
prostitute for two American dollars on a business trip last
year .
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The government claims that information should be
classified so as not to embolden our enemies. I say they're
pussies who are afraid of their own shadows. I'm not afraid
of terrorists. If terrorists want to attack America, then I
say "bring it on, " but kindly desist when I return to the
country next year.
The fact that Berger put the materials "down his pants"
is a little misleading. Right now I'm wearing pants and I
just put a cigarette lighter "down my pants." It sounds very
insidious, until I reveal that I put the lighter "down my
pants" into my pocket, which is where Sandy Berger put
classified materials, as well as in his coat pocket and his
briefcase. When the Wall Street Journal (one of the few
conservative papers I respect) covered the story, even they
conceded that no important material was lost. The materials
were printouts from the archives and Berger cut them up to
dispose of them when he was finished.
My final words on the subject of who is responsible for
September 11th are as follows:
At the approach of danger there are always two voices that
speak with equal power in the human soul: one very
reasonably tells a man to consider the nature of the danger
and the means of escaping it; the other, still more
reasonably, says that it is too depressing and painful to
think of the danger, since it is not in man's power to
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foresee everything and avert the general course of events,
and it is therefore better to disregard what is painful till
it comes, and to think about what is pleasant . In solitude a
man generally listens to the first voice, but in society to
the second. So it was [up to 2001] with the inhabitants of
[America] . It was long since people had been as gay in
[America] as that year. -Tolstoy-
If you want to know who is responsible for September
11th, then go into a bathroom, turn on the lights, brace
yourself, and look in the mirror; the people responsible for
the attacks on September 11th are every man and woman who
voted for incompetent leaders in every election since the
dawn of time; who let themselves get bamboozled by
meaningless terms like "right" and "left" wing (which come
from France, think about that as you gorge on Freedom
Fries); who drive SUV's on crowded suburban streets because
they were classified as work vehicles, held to lax fuel
emission standards and looked cooler to cart your bastard
children around in than a minivan; who stare mindlessly at
season after season of American Idol and spend money that
they, or someone who supports them, earns just vote for a
talentless hack that by all logical evidence should be
sucking dingleberries out of a closeted businessman's
asshole at midnight in a highway rest stop; who thought it
was more important that gay's be kept out of the military
than taking anyone who would volunteer for the job; who
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watched the news footage of the 1993 twin towers bombing and
watched when they fell and felt a twinge of anger because
your regularly scheduled episode of "The Bold and the
Beautiful" was cancelled; who was too busy to go vote in
2 000 because they were learning how to program their brand
new cell phone to play "Ode to Joy" whenever someone called
them, even though they didn't know that the song was called
"Ode to Joy" or that it was written by a German composer
named Beethoven,
There's so much more vitriol that needs to come out, but
this has done me good; it feels like I just crapped a Buick.
As far as Madeline Albright is concerned, fuck Madeline
Albright . Who wants to listen to some wealthy elitist
who went to one of those upper class snob factories called
the Ivy League anyway? So before it happens again, go out,
get yourself registered, and remember one thing:
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday September 27, 2006
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RUNNING BUCK WILD LIKE A CONCUBINE
Category: Romance and Relationships
There is an interesting can of worms you open when you
start looking at sex laws, as I'm no fan of statutory rape
laws myself; however, there is a lot of debate about where
you should draw the line. I'm from New Jersey, and there, it
is legal for a thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen year old
child to have sex with someone up to four years older than
themselves; at the age of sixteen, all bets are off and you
can sleep with anyone with whom you consent.
The problem is that children at that age do not have full
reproductive rights in the eyes of the law; for instance, it
is legal for a 13 year old girl to have sex without their
parent's consent, but if she gets pregnant she has to have
her parents consent to have an abortion. It is also legal
for a pharmacist to deny her access to over the counter
birth control. Of course, a lot of these concerns are not in
the realm of men, but occasionally you get a case like the
one above, where consensual sex took place, but it was
considered statutory rape (considered an aggravated offence
to give "sex offenders" additional punishments) . When both
parties are underage, the charge is usually applied to the
boy.
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The easy solution to this problem is to repeal sex laws
where they infringing upon the rights of couples engaging in
consensual sex, or your children might be thrown in jail
when they get caught behind the bushes doing what you did
when you were eight years old. "Say hey, baby. Want to play
doctor?" The tricky part is determining when someone can
consent to anything. A 13 -year-old girl can consent to her
17 -year-old boyfriend shoving zucchini in her asshole, but
on the day he turns 18, they have to wait until she catches
up.
It certainly makes for an interesting scenario where once
a year for three years, a 13 year old could get together
with a 17 year old (then when they're 14 and 15) who's
birthday is one day after his or hers and have consensual,
legal sex once every year for one day a year. Of course,
they would have to stay dressed until midnight of the
younger partner's birthday, but once the clock hits twelve,
they're free to strip down and do what they wish. The
strange thing is that if a 12 year old boy and a 17 year old
girl planned out the even ahead of time, the 17 year old
girl could be arrested on charges of conspiracy to commit a
crime .
So what's with these sex laws, they even get crazier the
more you look into them. In Montana, it is legal for an 18-
year-old girl to strap on a dildo and fuck a 16-year-old boy
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in the ass, but if that girl was a boy doing the same thing
it's statutory rape. It is also technically illegal for a
child, under the age of consent, since the child is having
sex with someone who doesn't have the right to consent to
sex. It gives a whole new meaning to that bully who told you
to: "Stop whacking yourself. Stop whacking yourself."
Now, I'm in favor of abolishing all restrictions based on
age, whether it's what movies a child can watch, music they
can listen to, even the ability to drive a car. If a
particularly tall ten year old can get behind the wheel,
then they should have the right. And maybe, just maybe, if
kids can fuck whoever they want when they're young, they
won't grow up to be deviants of the kind that repressive
sexual practices lead to; they'll be nice deviants, you know
the kind that want their balls stepped on by women in high
heels, and to get pissed on by people who shout obscenities
at them.
In other words, good, clean, American fun.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday September 27, 2006
600
NOW ?ttl OFF YOUR TUBE TOP SO I CAN Fttl YOUR BOOBS FLOP ON MY
LUBtD COCK
Category: Romance and Relationships
A lot of people I know have jealousy issues.
The last girl I dated before I got married, I was jealous
of her all the time. Whenever she told me about a guy she
met, I would instantly dislike the person and tell her about
it, explaining that guys only talked to girls because they
wanted to sleep with them. It is a very endearing trait to
have your boyfriend constantly tell you that men nod their
heads at the useless girl words you speak so they can see
your goodies. I still think that's true (I want to sleep
with just about everyone I meet), but it's also true that
shit stinks, and I don't feel compelled to rub that in
people's faces.
My wife once told someone that I was hanging out with
another girl, and they were shocked; they insisted that they
would never let "their" boyfriend do that. I don't
understand all this jealousy and it makes me confused about
other things as well.
Like friends. I can spend all day with a friend (male or
female) and my wife won't care, but the moment I stick my
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penis in said friend, suddenly it's a big to-do (and
sometimes my friends don't like it very much either) . Some
people say that's because sex is special, but there's
nothing particularly special about it. Sometimes you just
have sex because there's nothing good on TV. It's certainly
not my genitals, which are not very special at all, in fact,
they're partially defective (it's not erectile dysfunction,
I only have one ball, it was a tragic bear baiting accident,
don't ask... okay it is erectile dysfunction, but please
don't tell my wife, I've been fooling her for months with a
broomhandle and a black man named Leroy, I think she knows
that something is up because I always ask her to put on a
blindfold, and she only complains a little bit, every once
in a while she'll call out: "Leroy!") .
Some people think I'm a deviant, and they're probably
right, but it's much better to be a deviant than a square,
ain't nothin cool about being a square.
I'm not jealous of my wife (who would be? she's married
to me) and it's been so long since we talked to a couple
that I had forgotten all about that jealousy bug, but last
weekend we went out for dinner and drinks with another
couple and the guy was telling me all these jealousy
stories; for instance, men flirting with his wife, or
dancing with her at a club. He told me about stepping up to
intervene and stop people from flirting with his wife. I
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don't do that to my wife; if someone is attacking her, I'll
find out about it eventually.
Part of me can understand jealousy. Let's face it, you're
one person out of billions, the chances that you're the best
at anything are so slim you could cut a diamond with them;
of course there's somebody out there who's better than you
at everything (maybe not one person, but you put together 4
or 5 well chosen people and that's enough to surpass
anyone's best qualities) . So who knows, maybe Mr. or Miss
Right will come through the door and sweep your beloved off
their feet.
But wouldn't it have happened already? Sure in the early
stages of a relationship, maybe in the first year or two,
it ' s plausible to realize that you made a mistake and want
to leave (it happens all the time) . Of course there's
somebody out there who's better than you, but they chose you
(for whatever reason) . Besides, if you've only been dating
someone for a year, you don't really have all that much time
invested in them. You're not missing out on much, so getting
a lot of sand in your vagina won't do any good.
I don't discount all that, but there's something else
lurking there, something more devious. Human beings are
terrible creatures, we project our feelings onto other
people, so that the thief is always the first to accuse
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someone of stealing from them, the sexual deviant calls
everyone a slut or a whore, the devil worshiping spawn of
the devil call themselves Christian Fundamentalists. We
project our own sins onto the world because we can't admit
that we are the real sinners. So what does jealousy have to
do with any of that?
It means you're thinking of leaving, that you are
flirting with everything that attracts you in twenty miles
and pretending like your significant other doesn't exist;
however, it doesn't stop there, the psychosis goes a lot
deeper. Remember all those feelings of inadequacy, well
you're not feeling that about yourself, it's your partner
with their bow legs and their nasal voice and every other
physical flaw they might have, from the birthmark you used
to think was cute that now sickens you, to the way they saw
the word newspaper. You can feel it in your gut, you're
better than they are, and they don't realize it.
The feeling sits in your stomach and festers as you watch
them eat foods you find repulsive and mention inane bits of
conversation. Their friends getter dumber and dumber as your
relationship progresses until you hate them as much as you
hate your partner and you start thinking about all the
things you'd like to do, but can't because you don't have
the stomach for it, but your partner's best friend uses that
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same stupid catch-phrase, and wouldn't putting your fist up
their ass make you feel a whole lot better.
Then you start staying awake later at night, staring at
the ceiling, wondering about the person sleeping next to
you, and the animosity grows until one day you see them
talking to someone else, giving them the same fake laugh and
dried up banter that you've been suffering through day in
and day out since you met; you can't take it anymore. You
clam up, don't say a word, and without warning spring it on
them, maybe you never even say anything about it either, you
just act pissy and complain and ignore them until finally
you find yourself watching them in the dark and fingering
the kitchen knives, thinking about how easily metal goes
through skin. . .
Not me though, I don't have that problem. I'm a well-
balanced and adjusted individual, so when my wife tells me
things like: "I'm going to the gang bang. I'll be back
around 10. There's dinner in the fridge." I don't care, she
can do her own thing, and as I wash and dead skin out of the
fingernail- sized cuts on my palms I think about how great it
is not to be jealous. I'm never worried that my wife will
leave me or cheat on me, because if she was going to leave
this know-it-all, little-dicked, annoying, slovenly,
unemployable, burnout, dickhead, crotch- snif f ing Jew; she'd
have to go live with her mother.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday September 28, 2 06
606
I'l/e GOT A GUN IN MY HAND AND THE GUN WON'T COCK
Category: News and Politics
There are some things that even I think are taboo.
That's not true. Everything is fair game.
In the 1980s there was a religious group that wanted
algebra banned from school textbooks because they didn't
want children learning that there was no absolutes.
Morality? We made it up (and I'm using the royal we here
to include all those people who came before us and gave us
their wisdom) , same as we made up rockets, bukkake, and
birthdays. I hate my birthday, there's nothing I find so
odious as people celebrating the day that a woman shat me
out of her vagina. Not that I find vaginas or shitting
disgusting the two things are fine, but I go to the toilet
every morning (and sometimes in the afternoon and evening)
and I shit out something, too; I don't hold ceremonies and
give out cigars. A lot of people think children are special,
just like morality, as if human beings are the only species
on the planet that has morals and children. It's a nice
little lie that people tell themselves as they drive their
disappointing children home from the hospital, five miles
per hour under the posted limit.
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One of the greatest things about being human is freedom
of choice and sentience, and they're lies just as surely as
my name is Sex Mahoney. At the moment you make a choice, it
may seem free, but looking back, after the fact, you can
clearly perceive the events that led up to your choice and
it doesn't seem very free at all. In fact, if choice were
really free, we'd be able to take a choice back, but we
can't. I can't take back that time I told my ex-boss to go
fuck himself and you can't take back that time the alcohol
made the person you woke up next to look a lot better than
they do. Choice is no freer than that ride I keep getting
promised.
Sentience is just as bad. Self -awareness? The ability to
realize that you are you and not someone else? Meta-
thinking? This is our great accomplishment? I'm sorry, but
I'm nonplussed. Maybe if no other species on the planet knew
how to masturbate, if we were the only ones, then I ' d be
excited about it, but that's not the case. My cat is self-
aware, he knows that he exists and if you doubt me I can
prove it. The other day I was chasing my cat around the
apartment, and I got bored and left off, he realized that I
wasn't going to play with him anymore (he stared at me for a
minute and walked back and forth first) so he gave up and
got a drink of water. He thought about it, then acted. As
608
far as Descartes is concerned, that little fucker is
sentient .
Human beings like to masturbate so much that they've
invented these terms, "free will" and "sentience" to
convince themselves that they are somehow better than
animals; however, if human beings were really free to
choose, then things like war, poverty, and murder would have
been extinguished long ago. They're human behavior
characteristics as sure as my cat's fondness for licking the
sack that used to contain his balls. Humans are governed by
the law of nature, and very little else.
Human beings are good at inventing justifications for our
animal actions, and, as far as I know, that does separate us
from the animals, but my knowledge is limited by the
language barrier that exists between myself and my cat.
As far as I can figure, there are only two things that
separate us from the beasts: Contraception and abortion.
No other species on the planet has the ability to control
its health and population like the humans. Animals like
rabbits and mice and all those other little bundles of joy
that fuck and fuck until there ' s millions of them are
subject to the whims of nature. When there are too many
rabbits, the food starts to dwindle and rabbits die, but
609
humans can stop all that from happening with an afternoon
trip to the doctors office and a clever application of a
vacuum cleaner.
I hear a lot of people adopting a new stance on abortion,
saying that they are pro-choice until conception, but pro-
life after, as if choice ends at an arbitrary place. It's
this kind of thinking that leads to those charming Catholic
families where you have three children all born within a
year of each other, followed by the mistake baby.
Human beings are never as free as when they contradict
the laws of nature. Mother Nature makes us blind, fuck you
we have glasses for that. Mother Nature gives us weak
hearts, fuck you we have pills for that. Mother Nature tries
to make us pregnant, fuck you; we've got a procedure for
that. If people think that contraception is enough, and that
another alternative for those who get pregnant is too much,
then I'm personally going to start ripping the airbags out
of cars. You're wearing a seatbelt, anything that happens to
you after that is in the lord's hands. Even that, our
ability to transcend nature's boundaries, is part of our
nature. You can't escape from this bitch; she's like the
craziest ex-girlfriend ever.
In a simpler world, where the number of human being on
the planet matters, I would get behind a ban on abortion,
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but we're doing fine; if anything, there are too many of us.
The idea that a child is any more precious than any other
member of the herd is ridiculous.
I am aware that I now have a contradiction on my hands,
because I would not advocate killing a person, whether the
government did it or a private citizen. I can't even think
of a good argument to defend abortion in the face of that
glaring inconsistency. So I'm going to take a lesson from
George Bush.
The Bible says, "Thou shalt not kill." What does that
mean? It's so vague. Because the bible clearly states in
many other places that killing is fine. I just want to
define killing so it fits in with my lunatic agenda. Don't
worry, it will keep you safe.
If that kind of logic can get people tortured, it ought
to be good enough to kill a few fetuses.
The problem with arguing about abortion is that people
don't see the humor in it, just like morality and sentience,
we made up abortion, so it's just as ridiculous as anything
else we've invented (see parachute pants) . So what if a
doctor wants to pick up a little skull and do some
pantomime, am I the only person that finds that funny? Okay
so there are some things that probably go a little too far,
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but I've seen more than one picture of a soldier standing
next to the body of an enemy doing something just as bad.
Just like your judgment after a few drinks, morality is
flexible. We would never think of robbing a liquor store,
but we don't mind taking some paper clips home from the
office. Even mafia dons in the early twenties would order
the execution of their enemies, but they wouldn't sleep with
another man's wife. There are no absolutes. There is no
right and wrong except how you perceive it.
There's also no way to settle this debate, between
advocates of abortion and advocates of fascism (that's
another trick I learned from Bush) . Each woman has to make
the choice, each time she gets pregnant; as much as I would
like to convince them to get rid of their demon seed,
there's someone else out there who wants them to keep it.
The difference between the two of us is that, even if
abortion is outlawed, there will still be people having
abortions, and if abortion stays legal there will still be
people who don't have abortions. What I, or anyone else has
to say about the matter, means fuck all to a sixteen year
old girl who told her boyfriend to leave it in a little
longer (or more likely, who's boyfriend said he wanted to
leave it in a little longer, five seconds before he followed
that with 'Uh-oh') . Each person who makes the decision to
abort or not, makes that choice at the time, and then looks
back at it, years later and realizes that it wasn't so much
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of a choice after all, they did what they were programmed to
do.
Just like now, I'm going to post this blog, go home from
work and masturbate. I'll rationalize it to myself: it was
that woman on the elevator, the one in the skirt; I just
need to relax a little; I've got a killer hard-on and I've
got to do something about it. But in the end, I'll do what I
was born to do.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday September 29, 2006
613
IT'S LIKE HAVING MAVONNAISE SHOT INTO YOUR BRAIN
I write about negative things so much of the time
(because they're easier to get a laugh) that it seems like
I'm a very cynical person, but that's just a cover; I'm a
dreamer just as sure you were born.
It's not that I have a negative view of the world; I'm
just able to see the hilarity of it all. It's part of a
defense mechanism that I've developed over the course of my
life. It's not something that I'm proud of, but it certainly
comes in handy. I'm more likely to laugh at you, even as you
get ready to beat the crap out of me. As defense mechanisms
go, it's not a bad one. I have a friend, who every time he
feels threatened in a relationship; he goes out and spends a
ton of money of prostitutes. He doesn't even sleep with the
prostitute; he just pays her to tell him that he's wonderful
and lay on his chest. I can laugh at that, and it doesn't
cost me a nickle . You'd be surprised how much a hooker
charges, even for something like that.
I was thinking about my time in high school and looking
at the some of the student's I've taught; just like most of
the adults I know, there's a big rush to be with somebody.
Except for a few of my friends, I've never known anyone
who's gone on a "date." I'm not even sure what a date
entails, but it seems frightening, like a sales meeting for
a time -share in hell. I'd like to think that I can turn down
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a good pitch, but I know I can't. I've become too nice in
the last few years. So even if I went on a date with a
complete nut case, I'd probably end up sleeping with her
just so she wouldn't feel bad (which is also what I would
have done back when I was evil so if you're wondering how
NICE me is different than EVIL me, I don't really have an
answer for you, probably the only difference is that NICE me
won't enjoy it?)
I have a real problem with love, because love is an easy
thing to give out. What does it take to love somebody?
Absolutely nothing, you just ignore the bad things they do.
So what she's got her finger up her nose, everybody does it.
So what she just ate what she pulled out of her nose, it's
not something I'm into, but who am I to judge. Of course, if
later in the conversation, she told me that she was pro-
life, I'd debate her about the subject until she was fed up
(who is she to judge?) .
Someone wiser than I said that loving everyone is the
same as loving no one. I don't know if I agree with that.
Certainly hating everyone is perceived, as it's own type of
hate, so why should loving everyone be any different?
There's a stigma, a mystery attached to love, so that people
tie it up in sex and think that there ' s something special
about loving another human being, but I was on my way into
work this afternoon and I saw a guy with a leaf blower
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clearing garbage off the sidewalk, this woman dropped
something, bent over to get it, and the leaf blower lifted
her skirt so I could see her little purple panties. I loved
that guy with the leaf blower, it lasted for as long as that
skirt was in the air, when it fell, so did my emotion.
I love people all over the place for no reason at all.
Tonight I'll go to dinner with my wife, and I'll be hungry,
when the waitress sets out food in front of us, I'll love
her a little bit. It will be just as real, and just as
intense as the love I feel for my wife, but it won't last
any longer than the meal. When it's over we'll go our
separate ways, and I won't think about her until I'm hungry
in her restaurant again.
I don't love my wife all the time, that would be
impossible to do. There are some times when she pisses me
off right fierce, and I know there are times when I piss her
off even worse (I'm kind of a pain in the ass to be around,
most of the time) . Eventually we'll go back to loving each
other, and neither of us is any wiser that just a few hours
before the other was thinking about how easy it would be to
stab their sleeping spouse.
I don't know if it's endemic to our time, but love is so
commercialized that it ' s hard to tell if anyone loves
anything. Love is marketed so well, that the images we see
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on the silver screen seem sentimental to us while in real
life they would drive us so crazy we'd call the police. One
of the best romances I've ever read is Eugene Onegin. Girl
falls in love with guy, guy spurns the girl because she's
bookish and homely, guy falls on hard times, girl blossoms
into beautiful woman, guy comes calling and she sends him
packing. It's marvelous because it would never happen in
real life. A real man would sleep with the homely girl and
never call her again.
I watched The Notebook when it came out on DVD because I
really wanted to see Rachael McAdams naked, and I was
disappointed (because she only gets naked in the deleted
scenes so I wasted my time by watching the movie when I
could have gone right to it) because it seems so cheap,
romance like that. I was surprised by how many people
enjoyed the movie, although, in retrospect, I should not
have been. Making people cry is like pissing your pants, you
can do it anytime you want and it's not hard at all, but, in
polite society, it's frowned upon.
Love is like oxygen; it's all around, just waiting to be
picked up by anyone. People are so busy with. . . buying new
shoes, smelling their asses, picking their noses? ...that
they don't recognize it. They have no problem picking up
hate, or frustration, and venting it on whatever convenience
store clerk they meet who doesn't speak English. One of the
617
sad realities of life is that love, true love, is hardly
ever reciprocal and rarely coincidental. The person you love
the most is the one least likely to return the favor, and
that little pissant who used to annoy you as a child, is the
girl of your dreams as you sit, Scrooge -like, in your old
age .
The secret to love is to spread it around all the time,
on everyone who will sit still long enough for you to get a
good thing going (and who doesn't mind the invasion of their
personal space) but still have enough time to get out of
there before they call the police. It's such a stupid
message, appreciate what you have, so I say fuck that,
appreciate what you can get your hands on and suck all the
joy and fun and love out of it as fast as you can; burn
through it quickly, because it ' s a limited resource. It's
what we human beings do. Then when it's gone, sit around,
bemoan the fact that you will never love again. Sleep with
nutcases you meet on dates and take them to see The Notebook
2 : The Revenge .
So the next time your spouse or significant other asks
you if you love them, be honest: "Not right now, check back
with me in an hour." And remember, while chick flicks might
seem like a good idea to get a girl in the mood, roofies
only cost half as much and they're twice as fun (for you,
not for them; what kind of a sicko do you think I am? I
618
wouldn't drink someone. Two or three shots to the head will
do the same thing for free) .
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday October 2, 2 06
THANK H£AI/eN FOR LITTLE BOYS, FOR LITTLE BOYS GET BIGGER d-Md-RY
DAY
I didn't want to do anything political for a while, but
then fate hands me a moment like this and I can't refuse.
Some men stand rigid when the winds of fortune blow, but not
me, when fortune blows, it's well the worth the extra money,
and who cares what you look like.
Mark Foley, a Republican Congressman stands accused of
improper communication with minors because he emailed and
IM'd congressional pages, the youngest of which was 16.
My views on age restrictions notwithstanding, 16 is the
legal age of consent in the District of Columbia (and in
most states in the union) . What the representative did was
not illegal. As a 16 year old, those boys are fair game, and
if he wants to pursue them, there's no legal recourse the
boy can take until the older man becomes predatory, or a
stalker.
619
If I were a lesser man, I might pounce on the opportunity
to chastise the representative for his behavior, just to get
personal and rub it in other Republican's faces, but I see
nothing wrong in the man's behavior and it is not anyone's
responsibility to regulate morality. The problem with
attempting to regulate morality is apparent in the recent
scandals among prominent lawmakers.
People break the law all the time; it's easy to break the
law, most of the time you don't even realize that you're
doing it. Technically, it is a crime not to ask someone
their age before you sleep with them, but people lie about
their age all the time. Before I was 18, I used to lie about
my age to get cigarettes, and now that I'm older I lie about
my age to get children's discounts at theme parks and the
movies. Most laws are on the books, not to keep the populace
safe from a threat, but because one or two people couldn't
keep their mouths shut about something that bothered them,
and they pestered a lawmaker to do something about it.
That ' s wonderful when it comes to something like seatbelts
in cars, and it sucks when it's something like alcohol
prohibition.
Morality, like farts and religion, is a personal thing;
it's different for everyone. Defining morality for a whole
family, let alone a society, is about as effective as using
your testicles to break out of prison. It's no coincidence
620
that so many children run away from home to join the circus
every year.
Even my personal morals are flexible because different
situations call for different morality. Ordinarily I
wouldn't tell anyone that they have to listen to me, but as
a teacher I am compelled to do so. Rather than yell at kids,
and punish them for misbehaving, I try to give them every
incentive to pay attention. I'd rather it be there choice
(with my careful manipulation) than something I force them
to do, because it doesn't matter how good it is, if someone
forces you to do it even the chocolate blowjob ice cream car
would suck to drive .
Regulating morality opens the door to lots of wacky
things that plague our society today. Who cares if gay
people get married? We do! Who cares if people smoke pot? We
do! Who cares if a congressional representative tells your
16-year-old son that he's so hot? We do! The concerned
parents of that 16 -year-old boy, who want to be the
concerned parents of everyone. I already have a set of
parents that I don't listen to, the more the government
tries to play mommy and daddy, the less I listen to them at
all. It's come to the point where I get a letter from the
President telling me to eat my peas and I tell him to make
me, then we sit at the dinner table all night, until the sun
comes up, and he always falls asleep before I do.
621
The real problem with regulating morality is that it ' s
impossible, sure there are some cops out there who have a
real hard on for telling people what to do with their hard-
ons, but by and large, most people (regardless of their job)
just want to be left alone until it's time to punch out and
go home. I know cops who don't give speeding tickets just
because it's raining and they don't want to get out of their
cars .
The further that blanket of morality gets spread, the
more people it covers, and then ordinary citizens are paying
off cops just to (select one: drink a little bathtub gin,
smoke a little grass, pee in public places, or murder small
children) . Everybody has a price, and if enough people are
willing to pay, then the police become the natural
recipients of a lot of bribe money. This is capitalism, and
(as conservative Republicans like to remind us) capitalism
works best when there are fewer government controls of
business. So if oil companies can be trusted to regulate
themselves, I should also be able to regulate my intake of
marijuana and hobo killing.
So ask yourself, who it hurts, when a 16 year old boy has
a consensual conversation with an adult. It might hurt the
parents to know that their child is smart enough to realize
that hard work and determination are not the only
622
ingredients to success in this world. It might hurt the 16
year old, who expects a naive and gentle lover. It might
hurt the adult who will have his heart broken by the
fickleness of a 16 year old's love. Of course, the adult
might be getting a blowjob from the 16 year old in his car,
and fail to pay attention to the road. He might drive his
car into a telephone pole and knock it over into the
apartment of a quality control technician at a makeup plant,
killing the quality control technician instantly. A temp
could temporarily handle the quality control technician's
job. The temp might let a tube of lipstick that smells like
fish guts go out to stores. The lipstick might get sold to
the unsuspecting wife of the President of the United States.
The President might go to kiss his wife and demur because
her mouth smells like fish guts, leading him to cancel their
makeup session and eventual blowjob. The President might
then be so angry over not getting his bi-weekly spousal
blowjobs that he over reacts to a threat from China and
fires off nuclear missiles, plunging the world into ten
thousand years of darkness and nuclear winter.
Or a US congressman might masturbate in front of a
computer, go home and tell his wife that he loves her, and
the page might get a recommendation to a good college. It's
a ridiculous argument for a ridiculous crime .
623
A lot of democrats and republicans salivate over the
opportunity to make the opposition look bad, but every time
something like this happens it casts a big shadow that lets
politicians do even scarier things in the shadows. There's a
simple formula I apply to news stories that come out of
Washington, the more noise they generate, the less important
they are. The really wicked stuff sneaks right past on page
12 of the Sunday section. If you don't believe me, go read
last week's paper. There's an advertisement for a new food
product from the Soylent Corporation.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday October 2, 2006
YOU TOOK THE WORD AND MADE IT HEARD AND EASED THE PZOPWS PAIN
AND FOR THAT YOU WERE \D0UZZD
Category: News and Politics
The easiest way to spot a liar is to look for the person
who's talking the loudest; more often than not, they're full
of shit.
People have a tendency to say the exact opposite of what
they mean, so when I tell my wife that I love her, I mean to
say, "Why isn't my pie ready when I come home?" When someone
624
bumps into me in a crowded subway and I tell them that it ' s
okay, I mean to say: "Do it again and I'll have your guts
for garters." And when the president of the United States
says that the country is safer, but not safe... well I don't
know what that shit means. I suppose it's like sticking an
athletic cup down your pants moments before a sledgehammer
crushes your balls.
I'm always amazed that men and women fall for the lines
that other men and women feed them while they're trying to
score. I hate using lines like those myself (and yet I still
do it like a fucking nitwit) .
1. "You have such pretty eyes."
2. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
3. "You're so funny."
That last one is almost exclusively female (any man that
tries to get a woman into bed by telling her she ' s funny has
trouble envisioning himself as anything more than a friend) .
All men would like to think they're funny (where ' s that damn
kettle when I need it) but not in a George Carlin type of
way, more like James Bond, delivering a snappy one liner
while you swing to safety with a pretty, half-naked girl
cradled in your arms as something explodes behind you; for
example, tossing a grenade into a bank where a bunch of
terrorists are holed up and saying: "Take that to the bank."
625
I'm amazed that people fall for this shit, because it
doesn't make any sense. Anyone who's ever seen a movie,
heard a song, read a greeting card, glanced at a decorative
toilet paper holder has heard this shit before; it's old,
and it's not getting any younger. The only reason I can see
for people buying into this garbage is that they want to
believe it, and when you've got a world full of lies and
suckers who want to be lied to, the field is ripe for the
plucking .
For all the Cosmo and Maxim magazines printed every
month, not a person on the planet has self-esteem issues so
bad that they would call themselves ugly (in private) .
Everybody wants to believe that they're James Bond or Paris
Hilton, that's why the keep making James Bond films, and
people keep paying Paris Hilton. Across the board, if you
look at any popular movie, music, celebrity, etc they almost
all represent desirable personalities that a person can slip
into for an hour or two, in the dark, where it's easy to
forget that you've got forty pounds of gut hanging over your
belt buckle because you're watching someone who's lean,
mean, and gets shit done.
So we come back to the world of politics, everybody on
the planet has an asshole and an opinion, though one smells
better and is more fun to share than the other. Just like
626
everybody wants to think they're Brad Pitt (or Steve
McQueen, for my older readers), everyone thinks they're
opinions don't stink like the shit they are. It's not a far
cry that in a celebrity fueled culture; the country
eventually started electing celebrity type politicians. Guys
who were taller than their opponents, who had the curious
salt and pepper executive hair that only the waspiest of
wasps can develop, and who spouted back, over the
television, exactly what you want to hear. I equate
politicians with phone sex commercials, only I have more
respect for phone sex commercials, because I've watched a
lot of C-Span and a lot of late night advertising, and not
once has Wolf Blitzed or Brit Hume ever given me a hard on.
Trying to change people's opinions is just as hard as
getting them to sleep with you without using crappy romance
and stupid lines. I should know, you wouldn't believe how
hard it is finding a woman when the best you can do is: "My
bed fits two people." I've never been a good rhetor, I can't
argue with someone, and when it comes to sex, I like to
pretend that I'm a smooth lothario, but I usually just turn
into a giggling idiot with a hand and face full of breasts.
How is a person supposed to engage in meaningful debate when
you've got two huge boobs in your face? And on a cable news
panel discussion show, sometimes there's four or five.
That ' s no way to have an argument .
627
I realize, as I'm writing this, that I've been
denigrating other people's opinions, and you, beloved
reader, might ask yourself why my opinions are any better
than anyone else's. They're not, they're useless turds, left
to dry in the internet sun, but, as anyone who's spent a
good deal of time in the woods will know, when someone isn't
expecting it, a dried turd makes for a hilarious practical
joke. So the next time someone is arguing with you about
politics or romance, take one of my blogs and smear it on
their face while they're not paying attention. At the very
least, the smell will take a day or two to wash off.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday October 4, 2006
628
CRAZY PZOPie. WALKIN ROUND WITH BLOOD IN THEIR ZVZS... ALL SHE
WANTS TO DO IS DANCE
Silence sounds so good.
All of us, we talk too much. There are times when we
should keep our mouths closed. I've had a problem with
verbal diarrhea all my life. I've offended everyone I've
ever met. I can't even talk to most people, especially if
they have bad news. I suppose I can help it, I can keep my
mouth closed, but every so often people expect some kind of
response .
I've lived the last few years of my life doing more
listening than talking. When I was younger I used to talk
all the time; I suppose getting married took care of that.
My wife shuts me up most of the time now. It's funny how
much people will talk if you listen to them. People will
volunteer some pretty fucked up things. Perfect strangers
will tell you how they were pulled into monkey cages at the
zoo and raped by chimps. It makes me wonder, if these are
the things people talk about, what are they hiding.
I'm not a person who does a whole lot of talking during
sex, unless it's necessary speech such as "You like that,
dontcha' bitch."
629
I try to go as long as I can without speaking when I meet
someone, let them tell me who they are first.
I know that I'm a distant person.
There's too much emphasis on community and togetherness.
Human beings do awful things when they're clustered
together. People should spread out as far as they can from
each other. There's about 148,300,000 square km of land on
the planet. That means every person gets 2/100ths of a
square km. Of course some people will have to live in pretty
harsh terrain, but in America, we have a saying about
indigenous populations that don't want to move to where and
when we tell them: "God wants it this way."
Some people, if you let them go long enough without
talking, they start humming or singing to themselves just to
hear some human contact, even if it's only themselves. Aww,
shucks .
Sound plays such an important part in the human
experience, sight, too. I can't think of any other reason
why people get dressed up. Why are people so fascinated with
wearing uncomfortable clothes? Heels and wingtips? Ties?
These little costumes we've invented for ourselves are just
as ridiculous as wide Elizabethan collars and tights. The
goal of an industrialized society should be to produce uni-
630
color jumpsuits that we can all wear. I know that some
people say that their clothes express their individuality,
which is fine, those people can make their own clothes. The
industrial strength of every nation would increase
dramatically if only we stopped making all these damn
clothes .
In a world where two companies control 80% of the media,
why is anyone concerned with clothing individuality. It
seems as though clothes are least of our concerns. I'd
rather wear a state mandated diaper everyday, but have a
choice when it comes to story.
Story gets a bad rap because it's fantastic, it seems
like so much fluff, but the important parts of a story are
not the things the characters say, or the author writes, but
that which remains silent. The force that moves a story is a
voice that never speaks, but guides knowledgeable spectators
towards an overwhelming conclusion. If you have any doubt
that story is important, and vital, remember that people
have been killing each other over their favorite books for
millennia; which is great because just like Mark Twain said,
so few people have ever read their religious texts that they
may as well be fighting over the ingredients in a Twinkies.
631
I'm going to replace the text inside the Christian Bible
and the Muslim Koran with recipes for various Jello dishes
and see how long it takes people to notice.
Remember, the louder a person shouts about a particular
subject, the more you can be sure that they're lying. It is
better to remain silent and wait for people to burn out
their ire. The best part about staying silent is that you
carry an air of gravitas, so no matter how much the other
person argues, the worse they make themselves look.
Of course, keeping quiet is the hardest thing in the
world for me, especially when I think I'm right (don't act
so surprised, like you don't do the same thing) . Arguing
with people is almost useless; it's like trying to convince
someone that you're a good lover by telling them that you
are. You have to prove some things, and there's no two ways
about it. Just get in, do your thing, and get out before
they see your face .
So the next time you see someone, and you want to tell
them how you feel, save your words; give them a hug instead.
Then, while they're distracted, give your finger a good lick
and stick it in their ass. Nothing says friendship like a
finger in the ass. Or am I thinking of rectal exams. I
always confuse the two.
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Sex Mahoney for President
Friday October 6, 2006
633
CAN YOU TAKE M£ BACK WHERE I CAME FROM CAN YOU TAKE ME BACK
Current mood: ©enthralled
Category: Life
Sometimes I get to thinking about the past.
I'll see a pog, a tie-dyed shirt, or a bottle of Moxie
and I'll think about that magical time when cast cost 89
cents a gallon, people were nice to each other, and unicorns
roamed the face of the earth. I'm talking about the past,
but it's a place to which neither you or I have ever been.
We remember it like it was yesterday; the way the sun
shone off the water the first time you saw the beach, or a
woman's smooth skin bathed in moonlight the first time you
put your penis in someone's mouth; however, it doesn't
exist, it's an illusion, Michael.
Try visiting the past, going to the places of your
childhood conquests and seeing them in a different light.
You can't read the same book twice.
What we have instead is a connection of random present
moments, with no greater significance that what is happening
right now. People who constantly look to the future are
634
accused of daydreaming, but if you're remembering the past,
you're guilty of the same crime.
The tricky thing about the past is that we remember it so
fondly; some of us have even learned lessons from the past,
that we get tricked into believing that it's real. If the
past were real, we could manipulate it like a turd, but it's
ethereal, like a fart. Try catching a fart and you'll see
how real the past is.
The past is a dangerous place, you can get lost in it,
just like people get trapped in their future, counting their
chickens before their eggs hatch. Marketers make a fortune
off this crap, selling watered down, user friendly versions
of a past that doesn't exist in the form of "retro"
clothing, music, toys and stories. I'm not sure what happens
exactly, but it seems that every so often, a logjam develops
and crap from the past floats back to the surface. What else
can explain the culture of the last thirty/forty years?
Nostalgia has become such a big business, that people
have figured out how to sell that warm feeling you get when
you clean out your attic. The things you callously threw
away, or blew up, when you were a child are now back, and
they cost twice as much as they used to. These are time
travelers; relics from a past age and that transcended that
mythic past and provide tactile proof of what we once were.
635
Full of promise.
Ask any kid and they'll tell you. What do you want to be
when you grow up? Astronaut, President, Doctor, Professional
Baseball Player. There was a time in our lives when we
believed all those things with such force, that to even
consider anything else was unthinkable. Children are lost in
the future, they're always telling you how old they'll be;
they're in a rush to grow up. There's a magic age when
you're exactly as old as you want to be, when you don't wish
that you were any younger, or any older, and all the cards
fall your way.
It changes for everyone of course, but I used to have a
saying with a friend of mine: "When you're 21, you start
living; when you're 22, you start dying."
When you're young you believe people when they say that
you should live life without regrets, but that's a soft
option. Regret is as much a part of life as learning to
masturbate and getting caught doing it. Choice is a fluid
process, that changes from minute to minute, but the past is
fixed, it has already happened; we are powerless to change
it, just as we are powerless to change the future. We can
only affect the present. If you've lived your life so that
you've never been in a position where you can only pick one
636
of two really tempting option, then you haven't really lived
at all.
Life requires tough choice. You can't sleep with the
blonde bikini model and her slightly chubbier brunette
friend (unless you're creative with how to give someone
rohypnol) , you have to choose, and picking one just might
cancel out the other.
In the 1950 's, people in America were tired of slaving
away long hours and fighting in wars, so they reconstructed
a perfect, sanitized Victorian era that never really
existed. In the 70s, people reconstructed the 50s and turned
the tough Marlon Brando and James Dean into Arthur
Fonzerelli and Donny Osmond. People try to recreate the past
in the vain attempt to travel through time, but when Donny
Osmond is your idea of recapturing your lost youth, then
things have turned from bad to worse and you just might be
at the vanguard of a massive cultural enema.
Right now, we're in the middle of a whirlwind, and to us
it doesn't make any sense, the way the world works right
now, but we'll look back on it (in ten or twenty years) and
it will be perfectly clear that things couldn't have turned
out any different. Only we'll tell our children about when
even poor people could buy gasoline, and how we voted in the
last election before Mad King George took the throne, back
637
in the good old days. Hey, does anybody remember how to
Macarena?
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday October 9, 2 06
638
I MUST B£ CRAZY
The other day, I was haggling with a prostitute when my
wife caught me, I knew I should feel bad about it (everyone
knows that sex with a prostitute is not cheating) , but she
started yelling and throwing things, and I couldn't help but
feel a little ashamed.
That happens to me a lot, when I feel bad, but there's no
earthly reason why I should; for instance, the other day I
was walking through the outdoor mall and I accidentally
bumped into a child. The kid wasn't watching where he was
going and he walked right into me. He must have been really
surprised because he landed on his ass. Of course, I started
laughing and twirling my pencil thin moustache, and then the
parents look at me like I'm some kind of cartoonish super
villain. They pulled the little boy away just before I could
tie him to the train tracks and explain the complicated
workings of my evil plan. Curses! Foiled again!
A lot of people have told me that I remind them of a
cartoon character, they usually say it's because I have many
pairs of the same outfit, but my ability to take a safe to
the head, or shotgun blast to the face, and live is often
overlooked.
My philosophy is simple and Socratic:
639
1. Everyone is stupid. If you have any doubts, or
ambitions, to rise above the general stupidity, then I want
you to write down "I am smart" on a piece of paper and keep
it with you at all times. You are to take it out the next
time you examine a bit of wax from your ears, those little
boogers that develop in the corners of your eyes while you
sleep, or when you take a good long sniff of the pleasant
odor coming from your (insert your favorite odiferous body
region) .
2. Anything you take seriously is just a joke that you
don't get. If you don't believe me, then just look at the
big three things people take seriously, love, death, and
religion. Religion is an easy one, people singing in funny
hats... hilarious. Death is just as ridiculous, one second
you're looking at a sizable booger that was making it really
hard to breathe, the next you've pissed and shit yourself
while making a hilarious surprise for whomever finds you. It
is hard to make fun of love; after all, what's funny about
speed dating, hallmark cards for 50th anniversaries, and
Valentine's Day?
3. There is no such thing as morality. People are afraid
of things they've never tried, but once they get used to it,
it's actually very nice. I used to think that killing people
was wrong, but once I killed my first hobo, I felt pretty
good. The best part is that no one really cares about hoboes
640
and they usually have a collection of bizarre items that
make for great scrap booking. A lot of people like to wrap
morals up into neat little packages so they can pass them
along as wisdom of the ages, but morality is constantly
shifting with time. It certainly wasn't wrong to pee in your
neighbor's gas tank 1,000 years ago, because there were no
such things as gas tanks . Sure you can say that it would be
wrong to pee in your neighbors cart, but that's hardly the
same. Morality gets an upgrade when new things are
introduced and people become afraid of them. If you don't
believe me, then just as every boy and girl what they
thought when they first heard about sex. I know a lot of six
year old who are terrified of sex... you can't bring them
near a catholic church. I tell them the same thing that
priests told me when I was a boy, "This is our secret..."
4. Marijuana is a wonder drug. Some people dislike the
laziness, the paranoia, and the sloth. I couldn't be
happier. It's my dream to one day own a home just so I can
grow pot and smoke myself retarded until I'm dead. The only
good thing about potential is wasting it. That's one of the
biggest complaints people have about drug use and abortion,
"It's a waste of potential." Potential what? Most people
won't amount to more than a pile of dirt, and those are the
really important ones. None of us is so important that the
loss of one of us matters in the grand scheme of things. I
know that many other drugs have been touted as wonder drugs,
641
but marijuana is it. It won't answer any of your questions,
but it won't kill you, and after a little herb, you don't
really care about those stupid questions anyway.
5. I'm always right. Sure I may agree with you in theory,
but you don't live inside my head. As soon as you walk away,
the argument is rationalized and won.
6. I will do stupid things for breasts. You said you
needed someone to carry your refrigerator up sixteen flights
of stairs? No problem.
7. Planning ahead is useless. The number of coincidences
necessary to execute even the simplest plans are too
extraordinary to fathom. It's like trying to say that random
protein strands combined to form life without some kind of
intelligent design (which everyone knows is impossible) . I
prefer to pick up on the spur of the moment and go
adventuring; it limits my range, but increases my
spontaneity. How spontaneous can you really be taking a trip
to a resort or hotel someplace far away? If you're really
dedicated to spontaneity, then take as much cash as you can
manage and go to the airport in the clothes you're currently
wearing .
8. Velveeta cheese sucks. Processed food in general
blows, fast food, ready made, freezer food is generally
642
terrible, occasionally good. Why people eat this crap is
beyond me. My biggest complaint with America is not the
secret prisons, the wire-tapping, the international
bullying, or the insane obsession with Paris Hilton; it's
that fucking fake cheese. What's the matter with people
eating fake cheese and other processed foods, don't these
people have servants?
9. I want to fuck everyone I meet. It just makes sense,
there's an activity that takes up a good amount of time, and
so often it's ignored during friendly visits. Sometimes I'm
sitting around with a friend, staring at the walls, looking
for something to do. If we could suck each other off, it
would kill a half hour at least. Of course, there are some
people with whom you don't want to engage in sexual
activity, that's why we have marijuana. Sure, you're still
bored, but you don't care as much.
10. Nothing is absolute. I like speaking in absolutes
because it's funnier that way: "Nobody likes fat people...
Nobody!!!" but of course nothing is true across the board.
Some people look at me and say, "There goes that god- less,
shit eating, pervert" while others say, "There goes that
god-less, cock gobbling, asshole." Everyone is entitled to
their opinion and no one is any more right than anyone else.
Even dying is no absolute, there could be a heaven out
there, nobody knows; I do know that the odds of there being
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a heaven are worse than the odds of winning the lottery, and
that's a pretty tall order. You can't ever say "Never" for
certain, because who knows what's going to happen to you in
the future. Sure, George Bush says that he would never
negotiate with terrorists, but let's see what he has to say
when he and Osama get together for the first time in
a decade after Bush leaves office. "Come on, 'Sama. Can't I
be the top for once?"
There it is, the short list of Sex Mahoney's philosophy.
I did forget to mention that I believe in breasts and money.
So if you're reading this right now, you should send me one
or the other in the mail. If you're attached to your
breasts, don't hesitate to cut them off, I'll put them to
much better use. . . and I can give them zany sound effects.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday October 10, 2006
644
OH MY GOSH, I WAS WRONG/ IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG. YOU'VE FINALLY
MADE A MOHKZY OUT OF M£.
Category: News and Politics
I love Planet of the Apes.
Easily, the Apes movies are the best cinematic series
ever. I love the original, Beneath the, Escape from,
Conquest of, and Battle for the Planet of the Apes. Sure the
series brought back mass marketing tie ins and cross
promotional gluttony not seen since the days of Blondie and
Charlie Chan, but the Apes were worth it; if only to show
the world how racist America really is.
I am often accused of reading too much into things, but
you have to read into art works . Trying to understand them
otherwise is like trying to explain the ocean by studying
the waves. The original planet of the apes, the strong
message is against nuclear destruction, but race lies just
below the surface of the story.
In the book, La Planete de Singe, the apes are modern;
they drive cars, fly helicopters, and attend plays. In the
movie version, the apes are primitive; they live in mud
houses that resemble African architecture circa 1600. The
apes themselves are stratified; the light skinned Chimps and
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Orangutans are peaceful and academic, while the Gorillas are
black, nasty and mean.
In the sequel, the gorillas take over ape society and
launch an attack against the few remaining human mutants,
but the movie is largely about the political struggles of a
human survivor and the mutants (with some good laughs at the
expense of religion thrown in for good mix) . The apes serve
no dramatic purpose other than to distract from the
political debate while the humans blow up the world again.
Racism is so deep in America that most people have no
idea they're racist. They gather in large groups to protest
when policemen kill a black kid with a water pistol, and
then go home to their gated community McMansion
developments. Others ignore the issue all together and
pretend like it's the fault of the victims, but almost
everyone has the ability to detect when they're on the
receiving end of such treatment.
Even I, who espoused such liberal rhetoric, turned out to
be just as much a racist as anybody when I started working
with a dark skinned guy who was a self proclaimed thug;
however, it was all characterization, and when we got to
know each other we were good friends .
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I'm not going to talk about a problem without giving some
possible solutions; so, I'm going to take action.
I have assembled a task force of several large black men
led by Lexington Steele (left) and Mr. Marcus (right) with
Blackzilla (not pictured) on point. We will go on a mall
tour of America and we will not stop until every last white
girl has had hard-core multi-orifice intercourse with every
member of my team.
These men have already done a great job of inoculating
women against racism, but my plan will have a number of
added bonuses.
1 . Racial diffusion - white women will soon give birth to
a generation of mixed race children. Black women will turn
to white men and repeat the process.
2 . Less socially conservative religion in government -
Most of the religious social conservative that influence our
government are run, influenced, or organized by white women.
With my plan, these women will be filled with something, but
it won't be moral superiority or the large sticks they
currently have in their asses.
3 . Economic Stimulus - my plan will be a great boon to the
pork and lubricant market .
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4. Medical - the more good sex a person has, the more likely
their body is to produce endorphins, which will decrease the
number of depressed women in the country, thereby reducing
Americas dependence on foreign drugs. Happiness also
increases the body's ability to defend itself from disease
and infection.
5. Scopophilic - 9 out of 10 white girls look much hotter
with a big black dick in their ass.
6 . Economic Stimulus - the results of my program will
obviously be recorded for posterity and scientific research,
but once we are finished with the footage it will be
available online or on DVD and VHS for a modest price.
So you see, understanding and double penetration can
bring the world together, but only if we want it to happen.
If you are one of the millions of people in America that
suffers from a racist outlook, please, call me and I will be
at your house with a big black dick just as fast as you can
say "Jack Johnson."
-Paid for by the citizens for Interracial Porn
Prolif eration-
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Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday October 11, 2006
649
god cme to Me in a dream, i knew it was god Because we word
GOD WAS speueD OUT ABOVE HIM...
Category: Religion and Philosophy
. . . with an arrow pointing at his head.
I was listening to a lecture the other day, given by a
cognitive science professor, who said that he believed
religion should be taught in schools, and I agreed with him.
Religion should be taught in schools, the objective history
of all religions as well as the core tenants of their faiths
and creeds. Surprisingly, the professor said that when he
introduced the idea to school boards, they were strongly
opposed to teaching "other" religions.
Like all human activities, most religions are very
inclusive, they want to accept all people... who believe the
same things they do; unfortunately, they also demonize
anyone who believes differently. For a group to survive,
they have to provide an illusion of solidarity, the hard way
to do that is to build education and rational thought among
its congregation, the easy way is to call everyone who
doesn't subscribe to your beliefs an infidel, blasphemer, or
heathen.
Religion, politicians, and the publisher's clearing house
sweepstakes have been promising people that things will be
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much better in the future for thousands of years, and things
have gotten better, but that doesn't satisfy any of those
three groups. Politicians have to keep getting votes, the
publisher's clearing house has to sell more magazine
subscriptions, but what do the religious folks get out of
being religious. Looking at the benefits of religion are
more telling than the precepts of a religion.
The earliest religions were all naturalistic
and pantheistic. Most cultures chose prominent aspects of
their survival (plants, weather, the sun, animals) and
prayed to those things to stay or go. In the case of edible
animals like pigs and deer, the prayers were to stay; with
large predators, like lions and tigers and bears, the
prayers were to stay away. These were the days of limited
family involvement; the tribe raised the children. Gods
changed when tribes settled and family structures became
more important, stories about the Gods shifted away from
animals who helped people to families of deities. During
this time the most famous pantheons of antiquity arose, the
Egyptian, Greek, Roman, Norse, Hindu, etc. I did leave one
out, the Hebrew.
The Hebrew pantheon was different, not that it was
monotheistic (it is far from that, but I'll get to that
later) , but that the family it focused on was a human family
that did not worship any one God. The oldest part of the
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Judeo/Christian Bible is the story of Abraham through Moses,
everything that comes before that was added later. Unlike
the pantheons we associate with Greece and Egypt, Abraham
worshipped a number of different Gods, because, unlike the
sedentary people of Egypt and Greece, Abraham was a nomad.
Just like the wandering hunters who prayed to different
deities depending on what food was plentiful and what
weather they needed, Abraham prayed to the deities of the
lands he wandered through. Abe's in Egypt, he swears
allegiance to Horus ; Abe goes to Ur; he swears allegiance to
the god's of Ur. At the moment that Hebraic beliefs arise,
there is a synthesis of old (nomadic) beliefs and new
(family centered) beliefs. The nomads prayed to the animals
to let them eat them, Abraham prayed to the gods of his host
country so he could eat there .
Societies built bigger and bigger centers, towns, then
kingdoms, and empires and the image of God changed again.
God became a king (it's not that big a change, to go from
father to king) and decided the fate of nations. The line of
monarchal succession has almost always been from father to
son, and so it makes sense that the next synthesis of old
and new involved power passing from the father to the son,
or Jesus. If you look through history, you'll see that
heredity is a piss poor means of succession and every time a
king dies there was usually a power struggle among various
factions that claimed the throne. The same thing happened
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when Christianity came to power, the old guard said that the
son didn't have any right to the throne. When power
struggles happen between kings, often many people were
killed and nations erupted in civil war, the same thing
happened with religion and you still see the vestiges today.
That's a lot of history, but says nothing about the
benefits of religion.
Religious institutions work in much the same way as
politics and the publishers clearing house, there are
national (and international) workings to religion, but most
of the work occurs in the home or in small communities.
Religion also presents a structured moral model that can
shape a community, but more importantly presents, within
that moral framework, a structured hierarchy. Christian God
is a man, the father, who watches over the family. Power is
delegated to divinely chosen governmental representatives
(you may think that modernity has done away with the diving
power of kings, but George Bush said God wants him to be
President, and when is the last time a non-Christian was
President) . In a community where all participate in the same
denomination, and go to the same church, there are
tremendous social benefits to positions of power.
Every week, at a church, a few people lead a religious
service, and present an editorial (sermon) it is the easiest
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kind of advertising, because not only do people listen to
you in silence, but they donate money to hear you talk every
week. Just like in politics, if you are a concerned citizen,
with a lot of friends in your church, if you don't like what
the pastor says, you can have them replaced with someone
friendlier to your ideology. While you're at it, why not
have the clergy casually mention that Bob's Discount Iguana
Stand is having a special on reconstituted iguana meat this
week, after all, Bob helped you get rid of the last
minister .
Of course, this is a Christian model, there are other
religions in the world, but the patterns are largely the
same. There doesn't seem to be anything special about
Christianity, but people maintain that it ' s the one true
faith.
The best arguments in favor of any one religion over any
other are no better than the reason a person chooses one
type of mustard as their preferred condiment. For most
people, they're willing to settle for the bland yellow
variety (God is good, God is great, we surrender our will as
of this date) but for others, the truly daring, they want
their God spicy brown, full of horseradish and pep.
Religious folks wouldn't be so threatened by atheists if, in
the back of their minds, they weren't so sure that we're
right .
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Of course, I don't subscribe to atheism any more than I
subscribe to religion. There may be a God out there, I don't
know... I can't know, but to assume that there is one God,
who has chosen your club over any other (including all those
possible clubs in other parts of the universe) is the
equivalent of putting a spotlight in your living room,
wearing a tiara, and declaring yourself the sexiest person
in the universe twice nightly then masturbating like a caged
monkey in front of a mirror while you admire the grandeur
that is you. There could be a God out there, and it might be
a wise old man with a beard, or a ring of three concentric
lights, but it's just as possible that God is idiot savant
child with a knack for science that randomly created human
beings while searching for the perfect taco. And that's one
to grow on.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday October 13, 2006
655
I AM A GOLDEN 600
Category: Travel and Places
I don't know if you've seen one of the best movies made
in the last ten years. It's the second in a series of three
films by a Korean director named Park Chan Wook called
Oldboy. I won't get into the movie here, but I want you to
watch a scene from that movie :
What that character (Oh Dae-su) just ate, I also ate; of
course, mine was cut into pieces before I ate it.
I went out to dinner with a group of teachers from work
and they ordered this dish. At first I saw the tentacles and
the body glistening, but I thought it was a trick of the
light, or oil poured over the food, but no, the octopus was
still alive and its tentacles were moving.
Octopi (or Octopuses both are correct) have a
decentralized nervous system; each tentacle contains
autonomous nerve endings to enable the octopus to move its
arms independently of a single brain (the way we humans move
our appendages) . When an octopus has its tentacles severed,
they continue to move for quite a while.
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As I picked up the tentacles, some of them used their
suckers to try and hang onto the plate . They wrapped
themselves around my chopsticks. The first one I put in my
mouth used its sucker to grab one of my teeth and I had to
use my tongue to pry it loose. Dipping the tentacles in red
bean pepper sauce didn't seem to hinder them much, but when
you put it in wasabi soy sauce, they stopped moving
completely. They didn't taste too bad, much like any other
kind of sushi, so if you like sushi, you'd probably like
live octopus.
So far, in Korea, I have eaten dog, pig stomach, lungs,
and ears, live octopus, dried squid jerky, and a number of
other strange things. I love traveling.
Hope you enjoyed this presentation.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday October 13, 2006
657
I TURN TO STON^ WHEN YOU ARE GONE
I don't know about you, but I believe in pessimistic
induction.
If there's one thing consistent throughout all history,
it is that we people don't know what we're talking about,
and we know even less about anything else; however, since
the dawn of recorded history, there have been experts who
want to tell everyone "the truth."
There are a lot of different versions of the truth
floating around out there; nobody seems to know anything
about anything .
These are some things I know:
I know that in the long run, everything we know today
will be turned upside down and the exact opposite will be
true .
Not too long ago, everyone thought smoking was a good
idea and doctors used to advise people to have a cigarette
every now and again. Doctors said it was good for them;
people started smoking multiple packs a day. Then it turned
out that smoking causes cancer.
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Now, most places in the civilized world are banning
smoking in public places: restaurants, bars, and airports.
In some places, you can't even smoke out on the sidewalk and
it's common knowledge that smoking is dangerous.
But.
Smoking a pack of cigarettes per day is a bad idea, so is
eating a gallon of ice cream everyday (that's why they put
serving sizes on ice cream cartons) . Why are there no
serving suggestions on cigarettes? Are they so deadly that
even one of them can kill you?
Let me tell you about crabs.
My brother's friend works for an environmental agency
that found a 1:1 cancer ratio of crabs caught near where I
lived as a child. The study found that eating even one of
these crabs guaranteed that you were going to get cancer at
some point in time. That's a dangerous consumable.
Cigarettes? Not that bad.
Death from smoking and its complications are preventable
deaths, of course, but cigarette smoking is a blessing in
disguise for America, because the more of the population who
smokes, the more don't live long enough to take out money
659
from Social Security. In nature, a plague or starvation
usually takes care of the oldest members of a society; we've
got cigarettes.
We all die someday, some of us in ways more horrible than
cancer and emphysema, but the chances are small that smoking
one cigarette every now and again will cause you to develop
a horrible disease. Cigarettes are considered a luxury item,
which is something you shouldn't have all the time, like pop
rocks and soda pop, but people abuse luxury items just as
surely as they can; otherwise, soda wouldn't be a billion
dollar a year industry.
There's a lot to be said, but very little sex appeal in
temperance; I don't even like temperance, and I'm the one
advocating it.
The law of diminishing returns tells us that each time a
person experiences something; the emotional or physical
response diminishes. That's what people descry when they
make slippery slope arguments about drugs, terrorism,
abortion, or any LIFE THREATENING activity.
I tend to indulge in activities, sucking all the joy and
fun from them that I can muster. When I learn about a new
subject, I study it incessantly until I'm so tired of it
that I can't stand to look at another word pertaining to it
660
anymore. It's not terribly healthy, but it keeps me
entertained.
The majority of my blogs have been politically themed,
but I've tried to keep a fair hand between the two parties.
My sympathies lean more towards the Democrats (because I
like rooting for the underdog), but I don't see a lot of
hope coming from that direction.
America is a country of heavy indulgence; from gigantic
SUVs to air conditioners that will give you hypothermia, we
are the nation of the Big-Gulp. You can't get a large soda
in America; it's now the extra-large. We are not a country
that likes nude beaches, because unlike Europeans most of us
are fat. Americans aren't just religious, they take the
bible literally to mean that God who, by the way, had better
help you if you're a fag, because America is so hetero it
hurts, created the Earth 5,000 years ago.
All this over-indulgence is a sign of something big
coming on the horizon. Most people online like to talk about
the unification of North America and South America into
blaa, blaa, blaa, but that will never happen. America, over
the next thousand years, will probably look something like
Europe, Africa, and the Middle East after the fall of Rome.
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Indulgence and pig headedness are just the symptoms, not
the disease. There is something rotten at the heart of
America and it's slowly eating its way out like a cancer.
People cry about crazy liberals who want to turn America
into a socialist country and vote for conservatives who
actually are turning America into a socialist country.
People cry about conservatives who are bigots and fat cat
politicians and then vote for upper class elitist scum
liberals .
The terms liberal and conservative have more to do with
American overindulgence and pigheadedness more than the
politics. Just as with any exclusive club, people call
themselves name to separate themselves (and reinforce their
fragile egos) from the masses. Conservatives and Liberals
both want to believe that they are rational people with an
even handed view of world news. The truth is that both terms
are about as meaningful as two senators hurling racial
epithets at each other. They mean about as much as what I
just plucked out of my ear.
If you have any doubt that liberal and conservative are
empty terms then look at people who call themselves similar
titles. A real punk wouldn't call himself a punk. A real
pedophile prefers the term priest. A real asshole prefers
the term party animal. Liberal and Conservative are too neat
662
to be effective adjectives. When you have something wrapped
up that neatly, it's advertising.
I don't know about you, but advertising has very little
effect on me . I shouldn't say that because it's not true,
advertising has a very strong effect on me... the same effect
as... say... eating a bucket full of raw sewage and week old
oysters. Everyone says that advertising doesn't work on
them, but if that were true, just like soda, advertising
wouldn't be the big industry it is today. The fact remains
that there are people out there who make their purchases
based on what they see in media. The media drives politics.
Even before there was television, politicians spoke on
the radio, and in newspapers. You can find campaign buttons
from as far back as... well, as far back as there have been
elections. I'm sure that in ancient Greece, there were men
in togas walking around with Demetrios and Lemnos ' 04
stickers. Advertising works on people who are too busy to
make any other choice but an impulse decision. Ask some of
your female friends how long it takes for them to decide
that they're going to sleep with someone; if it's longer
than five minutes, I'll be impressed.
People want simple, neat little packages in which they
can wrap their beliefs because it ' s much harder to do actual
research or even (god forbid) read a book. That's why you
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have words in big letters on over the counter medicine: Long
Lasting, Extra Strength, Conservative. The only thing that's
different about a liberal or conservative politician is the
color of their campaign buttons and the animal used to
represent them. There must be a way to get past all that.
The people .
Overindulgence and pigheadedness run both ways; you can
only pull the people along by the nose for a short time
before something else distracts them and they're stuffing
their faces at the trough of some new luxury. History has
shown that people aren't getting any smarter or any more
temperate. What needs to happen to motivate the people to
give up their gluttonous ways is to make everything and
anything legal. Prostitution, abortion, drugs, shit eating...
if you can think of it, it should be legal. I'll even set up
the very first drive through heroin and feces brothel
buffet.
People need these outlets to blow off steam and no one in
their right mind can seriously claim that any politician
(Republican or Democrat) is serious about stopping any of
the above practices. There is a tacit understanding that
people get to indulge their vices, but getting caught brings
heavy consequences. What's the harm in letting people
indulge? If they are allowed two things will happen: people
664
will go so buck wild that they'll get tired of whatever
they're doing soon enough or people will indulge to the
point of personal ruin and death; in which case they are no
longer a part of the society. Within a few months of
legalization, you'd see frequency of use drop off and remain
steady, except at those times when you really need a Hooker
Smack Shit Burger... like Christmas.
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday October 14, 2006
665
We- GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SIR, AND I'M GONNA SAV IT NOW
Category: News and Politics
Unlike religious organization, there is no "church" of
atheism. Atheists do not have the power of even some of the
smaller churches. Atheism, while often treated like a faith,
is not a faith in the same way that religions are faith
based. Where the religious meet an unanswerable question,
the answer tends to be "because God..." (an argument that
was once used to explain concepts like thunder and the right
of kings) . Atheism simply says that the answer is not
currently available, but could be with better scientific
analysis .
The ACLU gets a lot of flack because it often stands up
for unpopular causes, but they have done a remarkable amount
of good work especially in regards to worker's rights. Don't
forget that the ACLU was also instrumental in breaking down
religious boundaries at segregated country clubs so that
Irving Mendelbaum and Casper Whitehouse III were able to
play golf together.
I see no reason why the boy scouts, or any institution
advocating religion should receive any government money or
use government facilities. There would be uproar if a group
of Satanists used a school cafeteria to hold a black mass.
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When it comes to the separation of church and state, the
government should treat religions like Hindu cows,
reverential but left to fend for themselves.
As to the ACLU "siding" with terrorists, the level of
civilization in a society is best measured by how a society
treats its prisoners.
Removing Christmas from schools is not a fascist move. At
best Christmas is a farce, whatever dignity Christmas had
left was bought by Hasbro, marketed on Madison Ave, and sold
in your local mall. Saying that Christmas is a religious
holiday is like calling an aging prostitute a paragon of
virginal chastity. The whole Christian religion is like a
cheap hooker; Jesus nightlights? Come on. It's now so bad
that I wouldn't be surprised to see Jesus condoms ("Christ
is cumming! ! ! )
Like farts, religion is best kept to yourself; however, I
do not have a problem with teaching religion in school as
long as they meet two core concepts:
A) All religions have equal time, not just Christianity:
Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, etc. The course should also
include a small portion of defunct religions as a comparison
to religions that exist today.
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B) The history of religion must be taught from an
objective standpoint. That means the portions of the bible
(or any other religious text) , for which there is no extra-
textual corroboration, cannot be included in a History class
but reserved for a literature class. The existence of
religious texts is not proof of their validity; only a
confluence of materials lends validity.
Sex Mahoney for President
Saturday October 14, 2006
668
SHE'LL NEVER GO TO HOLLYWOOD
Category: News and Politics
Debt to society is a very ambiguous term (much like
torture), but with the right logic, we can determine how
much debt a person owes to society.
The number of participants and their ability to sustain
itself determines the strength of a society; therefore, when
a person dies, the society loses one participant unit. When
society kills another person to make up the "debt" for
killing a person, it's the same as paying off credit card
debt by borrowing more money. If an insurance company can
put a price on a person's life, then the justice system can
do the same thing. Putting people in prison is just as bad
as killing them since, if they are not working, they are not
contributing to society, so prisoners have to work. When a
person commits a crime they should not spend an arbitrary
amount of time in jail; instead they should have a job that
meets their skill level at which they will work until their
debt is paid off. The same thing should happen when someone
is murdered, killing their murderer does no good to the
society at large.
Attributing a value to a person would take care of any
justice system mistakes, since, if the conviction is later
over turned, the justice system will have a fixed amount of
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money to pay in restitution to the wrongfully convicted, as
opposed to now, where they get nothing.
Putting prisoners to work significantly decreases the
amount of money required to house them, especially if they
are paid a fair wage for their work. There are currently
more people in jail in America than any other country in the
world, including communist China. Prisoners would use part
of their fair wages to pay for the cost of living in a
prison: food, clothes, maintenance laundry, etc. It would be
just like people who live in apartment buildings except the
prisoners would probably have fewer choices; instead of
being able to pick coke or Pepsi, only one company would get
the contract to supply beverages.
Abortion and euthanasia are not murder, they are choices
made by people in position to make them: expectant parents
and people of sound mind and body. A person has a right to
decide when and how they die (if that's an option, most of
the time you're just minding your own business when an ACME
safe falls out of the sky) . A parent who brings a child into
the world without the capacity to care for that child is
committing a crime much worse than aborting a fetus.
Children already take up too many public resources. If a
parent is willing to pay, they should have the choice to get
a free abortion, just like I should be able to eat a hot dog
without worrying about mad cow or E. coli.
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Throwing religion into the mix doesn't add much to the
argument, but you can't take Jesus' word for anything, that
bastard said he'd call me and he never did. Jesus is
remarkably inconsistent in his message, even from gospel to
gospel. At best, you can sum up Jesus' philosophy as no
death penalties for Jews who believe in him (there were no
Christians at that point in time) and fire and burning for
everyone else if they refuse to convert; that's hardly a
peaceful or practical message.
The possibility of escape and recidivism is not a reason
to execute someone, because most prisoners return to prison.
The thing about rights is that they can't be surrendered
or taken away, that's what inalienable means. You can try,
you can put a person in jail, you can execute them, but the
mind is a vehicle of freedom and no matter what you do you
can never make a resistant individual a prisoner of the
mind. People can be broken and brain washed, but by then,
they're no longer people, they're mindless sheep and they do
things like listen to Phil Collins, believe that Bill
O'Reilly is an independent, watch network television, and
any other kind of bland entertainment you can imagine .
Sex Mahoney for President
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Sunday October 15, 2 06
672
I JUST WANT TO PlAV ON MY PANPIPES, I JUST WANT TO DRINK M£ SOME
WINE
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I'm often confused about many things.
Like, why isn't your shoe size a measure of your foot?
Well, there is an answer to that question.
Shoe size can directly correspond to feet measurements,
but that puts a tremendous burden on the manufacturer to
test every new shoe for an acceptable range of feet that can
comfortably fit inside the shoe. Instead, most companies use
a measurement system that measure the size of the model foot
over which the shoe was constructed. Why bother doing hard
work, let the customer figure it out with a complicated
system of measurement and medieval torture looking Brannock
devices .
I had a legitimate inquiry, I did a very small amount of
research, and I came up with an answer to my question. It's
very easy to do, and the Internet facilitates the process
incredibly.
Say for instance you wanted to know, how dumb America is
as far as countries go, you could do a quick search of the
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Internet and see that 55% of Americans believe that God
created human beings in their present form compared to all
other "civilized" countries where the belief is closer to
10-20%.
Originally, when Darwin introduced the theory of
evolution, people were aghast. "How can men have come from
monkeys? Where is your proof?" They said. People all over
the world searched for a missing link.
Ape -> ?Missing Link? -> Human
"There you go." They said. "No missing link, no
evolution. "
Well, in the one hundred years since, missing links have
been discovered; archeologists have delivered the asked for
proof. Which has now created this argument:
Apes -> ?Missing Link? -> Australopithecus -> ?Missing
Link? -> Human
"You see." They say. "Where is the missing link? No
missing link, no evolution."
Let me get all Tolstoy on your asses for a minute.
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A hungry child, standing underneath an apple tree, looks
up and sees an apple on a branch, too high to reach. He
wants the apple so badly, and just as he thinks about how
much he wants the apple, it drops from the branch and falls
to the ground. What has caused the apple to fall? Well, to
anyone else it can be explained by the wind, or the ripeness
of the fruit, or the biological function of trees, or the
weight of the apple; however, to the little boy, it was his
desire for the fruit... try convincing him otherwise.
Similarly, creationists (and other religious types who
feel that aliens came to earth and fucked the monkey) have
faith that it was God who created human beings and no amount
of persuasion in the world can convince them otherwise.
You and I can explain the fall of the apple from the tree
by a confluence of events that all transpired to cause the
apple to fall, but the little boy, who cares nothing for
wind or biological function, wanted the apple and he caused
it to fall accordingly. As more and more of the evolutionary
puzzle move from scientific theory (humans are descended
from apes) to scientific fact (humans and apes have a common
ancestor, but we split the scene a long time ago, Daddy-o) ,
science presents a confluence of events that suggest species
evolution over time.
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There used to be a sketch comedy show called "Almost
Live" and they ran a bit called "Who Killed JFK Today?" It
was a game show where contestants had to explain their
theory about who killed JFK. There was one guy, who was
quiet through the whole skit, but it was announced at the
beginning, he was the undefeated champion of the game. The
first two people had thirty seconds to explain their complex
beliefs and proofs for the involvement of aliens, or the
CIA, or the mafia, or... it doesn't really matter what they
say because they run out of time and are disqualified.
Finally, when the undefeated champion gets to go, he simple
says: A tiger did it."
Arguing with religious people is like trying to fist a
small child; sure you can get it in there, but you"
http : //members . tripod. com/~tiki_21/gif si /sucker . gif " > Click
here to see my past blog about how to fist a small child.
Similarly, religious people should not have to defend their
beliefs against the unbeliever's attacks for the same reason
that I no longer have debates with my friends about who
would win in a fight, Godzilla or King Kong (which is in
itself a perfect example of why arguing with the religious
is ridiculous) . The answer is plainly obvious, if you watch
the Japanese version of the movie, the answer is Godzilla,
but if you watch the American version, the answer is King
Kong .
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So, America, who would win in a fight: Jesus or Science?
The answer there is plainly obvious as well; if you're a
Christian, Jesus; if you're a scientist, science.
It's not so much that religious people object to the idea
that human beings evolved (because you can easily fit that
argument into a God centered universe; God set the wheels in
motion then sat back and watched what it knew would happen) ,
but that human beings evolved from apes; it opens the door
to all sorts of moral quandaries. If human beings are
evolved from animals, then they are part animals, and the
majority of human culture and civilization have been
attempts to distance ourselves from the beasts. Just as
children don't like thinking about the dirty, hot sex their
parents had, which led to their conception and birth (that
moment when you sprang from your mother's distended labia)
and rich women in department stores don't like to think
about the Malaysian sweatshop where their $1,500 sunglasses
were assembled; religious types don't like to think about
the dirty things that might have happened on the way to
mini-malls and Paris Hilton.
That doesn't explain why this peculiar phenomenon seems
localized to America, until you examine the confluence of
evidence. America is the youngest of the modern countries,
it was the last to free its slaves, it was the last to adopt
UN resolutions against international terrorism, it was the
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last to enact health and safety reforms, it was the last to
develop a comprehensive national highway system, it still
hasn't accepted the metric system, and people here still eat
Spam. It's not that America is stupid, it's just slow.
So relax, give it some time, and someday (hopefully
before the Sun burns out all of it's Hydrogen) they'll catch
up to the rest of the world. In the meantime, enjoy the
fruits of American stupidity, NASCAR, Paris Hilton, and me.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday October 16, 2 06
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WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT A TUNE
Category: Life
Sometimes, when I'm watching the Wonder Years (or
similarly sappy TV) I get so embarrassed that I can't even
look at the TV (or in this case laptop) .
I guess that I'm reliving the violent pain of childhood
and adolescence every time Kevin Arnold begins and ham
fisted conversation with Winnie Cooper. The show is not that
great, but it's genius in how awkward it is.
Mercedes and I watch a lot of movies and television sine
we've been in Korea. We don't have a real TV, so we download
whatever crap we can find online. Have you seen "Legally
Blond 2?" I haven't either, I fell asleep, but Mercedes
watched it. I used to watch very few new movies in a year,
focusing instead on all those classics I've missed, now I'm
watching all these new movies, and, for the most part, they
suck. Mercedes calls me a snob, I tell her I'd rather be
married to a wildebeest... we agree to disagree.
Recently, she put her foot down for the first time in our
marriage; she said: "No more Mystery Science Theater 3000...
ever." I can't fight her too much on this; most of the
episodes I've watched recently have been pretty bad. Some
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classics stay fresh to this day. When was the last time you
watched "Puma Man?"
Somewhere, there is a group of people responsible for
making "Puma Man" who wanted to make a serious movie and use
it to make some money, which is hilarious, because "Puma
Man" is reprehensible at best.
I made a movie a few months ago, and I think it's better
than "Puma Man" (it's shorter at least) if only because I
didn't try to do anything serious with it. The movie is pure
comedy and intended as such from the first to the last
celluloid frame. Still, if there is any justice in the
world, the director's mother is also out there, and she
loves the film her son made, no matter how many times Donald
Pleasance mispronounces the word Pyu-ma (It's Poo-ma) .
For the director of "Puma Man" there must be thousands of
times when he looks at his creation and cringes (if he's one
of those serious types) because revisiting a work of art
you've created, while it's being shared with people, is
about as painful as that time your mother showed pictures of
your butt to the first boyfriend or girlfriend you were dumb
enough to bring to your parents house. "The Wonder Years" is
replete with these moments, because it brings back those
times in my childhood when I should have kept my mouth shut
instead of saying something really stupid to a girl. I
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cringe even thinking about running into some of those old
flames because... well... it's embarrassing.
Of course, I pass it off as a joke to diffuse my
nervousness. It's what I do, that's my defense. It ' s a lot
easier to look at ease when you're laughing and smiling like
an idiot (sometimes) .
Each of us, we grown men and women, have a few dozen to
hundreds of people who witnessed our most embarrassing
moments, starting with our parents, who can tell stories of
our micturation accidents, to our old (would-be) lovers who
can remember poems and awkward groping. It's hard to be a
grownup around someone, when they remember the time you
tried to kiss them and accidentally cut their lip with your
braces .
In the bible, it says that Jesus went to his hometown and
no one there believed he was a prophet, because prophets are
never believed in their hometown. This piece of biblical
wisdom struck me as very odd, not that it's uncommon
(mistakes in the bible are frequently glossed over by
narratorial opining) , but that the conclusion is plainly
obvious, as pointed out by the author.
I try not to get on too high a horse, because I'm a
person like the rest of us, an ape if you will, because I
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leave myself open to attack from people who know me and know
that I am often completely full of shit. The exception to
this is, of course, when I'm traveling, because people in
new places don't know that I'm full of shit and I can once
again exploit my shit-full personality to its maximum
potential. I cannot do this at home.
Dana Carvey used to have a good bit about Sting, the
musician, and the decision to call himself Sting.
Gordon: (In a British accent) Hey guys, from now on, I
want you to call me Sting.
Friends: (Also in British accents) Fuck off!
There's a certain level of pretension you need to call
yourself by a ridiculous title like Madonna or Sting or the
living son of the one true God. I don't have that in me,
maybe it's just my defense mechanism acting up, but people
are too ridiculous for things like that; however, I wouldn't
laugh at a friend if they told me they were inventing a
better toaster, the toaster of the future. I would laugh at
someone who told me they were exhibiting their performance
art piece "Turds in A Minor" at the local theater.
The best art is unpretentious. It captures natural
moments and embeds them in a work to make us feel exactly
what the author (used here in a very loose sense) felt at
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that moment. Whether it was disgust at being trapped in a
bathroom while two hot chicks had a farting contest (Harold
and Kumar Go to White Castle) or the horror of realizing
that your girlfriend has a penis growing out of her chin
(Picasso, Laying Back) .
What troubles me most about art is that people revere it
as if it is inaccessible to any but the most trained
auteurs, when all it takes to be a painter, writer, dancer,
musician, etc is to paint write, dance, play music, and do
etc. Sure you may not do them well, and no one will pay you
for your work, but the joy of art is in the act of creation,
not the sale of your inner thoughts and feelings.
Still, even Picasso left an occasional skid mark in the
occasional pair of underwear. If you ever feel like you're a
big man (or woman), like you've got something important to
say and people should listen to you for your expertise,
unless you're building something or repairing something,
you're probably full of shit.
Those awkward moments, the ones I'm so embarrassed to
admit or even relive; they were born from my belief that, at
a particular moment, I knew I was doing the right thing.
Young people (younger than me anyway) love to say things
like "I live my life without regrets" but if you don't have
any regrets then you're not really living. You should
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constantly grow and develop as a person so that you can look
back at an incident, five to ten years down the line, and
think about what an idiot you used to be (just like Kevin
Arnold) . It's healthy. You can also go back and do all those
things that you should have done a long time ago, it's never
too late for forgiveness and second chances; for instance,
if you're a girl who, when you were thirteen, left a boy
standing out in the rain with flowers that he bought for
you, it's not too late to email naked pictures of yourself
to him at Sex_Mahoney@sexmahoney . com
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday October 17, 2006
684
I UK£ IVING NAKED IN MY BEDROOM TYING OFF THAT DINOSAUR
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I've got an addiction that I just cant' shake.
I've been reading these blogs about porn addiction, and
let me tell you, there is a serious problem concerning
pornography in America.
If you're unfamiliar with the term, let me explain.
Pornography is... well it's... gee; it's hard to define. I
guess pornography is just one of those things where you know
it when you see it .
Graphy is a Greek suffix that means the act of writing or
describing, and porno, in its closest approximation, has to
do with prostitutes. So pornography means writing about or
describing prostitutes. That's an easy enough definition.
Why did Justice Stewart have such a hard time describing
pornography in the landmark court case, Jacobellis v. Ohio .
Some people have suggested that pornography is any
material that contains sexually explicit material, but that
definition is too broad; other have said that pornography is
sexually explicit material created for the sole purpose of
sexual arousal, but that is also too broad because I could
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make a movie with a very thin plot and say that the primary
purpose of my movie is to protest against global warming and
all the cum swallowing is used to prove the point.
Critics of pornography say that it is demeaning to women,
that it leads to depression and self-loathing, and drug
abuse because most of the performers were abused as children
and now seek acceptance in any way they can. Critics say
that the type of sexual arousal caused by pornography is
inherently unhealthy, which leads to a third definition of
pornography, one that is much more concise. Pornography is
sexually explicit material created for the sole purpose of
unhealthy sexual arousal .
Unhealthy sexual arousal, I like the sound of that.
I've been thinking about this for the past few days and
I've come up with different types of unhealthy sexual
arousal, many of which I will soon post in my new series:
Unhealthy Sexual Arousal: Pimpin' It Hardcore . Here is a
sample of the videos I will provide:
1. Doesn't that Vacuum Cleaner Hose Attachment Port
Look Sexy?
2 . The Budget Guide to Automated Cunnilingus and
Electric Mixers .
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3. Razor Blades in your Vagina: One Woman's Heroic
Tale of Triumph Over Adversity
4. Unprotected Sex With Herpes Sufferers and You
5. Got the Flu? Why Not Fuck.
6 . Ten Simple Ways to Give your Boyfriend the Clap
7. Don't Trim Those Claws and Other Ways to Make
Human/Canine Sex More Enjoyable
8. Eating Out: A Connoisseur's Guide to Feces
9. Lubricants, Abrasions and You
10. Corpse Fucking for Dummies, now with an expanded
section on the debate between Pre- and Post -Embalming
Necropheliacs .
The idea behind unhealthy sexual arousal tries to
distinguish between good sexual arousal and bad sexual
arousal. Since masturbation is the only 100% disease,
attachment, and pregnancy free sex I know, then there can be
nothing unhealthy about masturbation, the activity for which
porn is best designed. The idea that there is good and bad
arousal is ridiculous, as thousands of Hollywood movies have
shown. If you're asleep and an animal starts rubbing your
private parts, you get aroused, only to wake up a few
moments later to engage in comedic antics.
People use all kinds of things to shake their addiction
to pornography, but none of it seems to be working. Each
year the porn industry gets a little bigger and a little
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more powerful. In fifty years, you won't hear people
complaining about the military-industrial complex; they'll
descry the f ellatiary-sexual complex, which, by then, will
control the government. There will be pornography on network
television and in advertisements everywhere. Sure, now it
might just be a model showing off her bare legs and cleavage
in an add for long term financial solutions, but what
happens when it ' s a giant vagina advocating the latest in
Weather Prediction software. Pornography will be everywhere.
We must use all our power to fight this terrible scourge
or face the worst of consequences. Can you imagine what
would happen if people were walking around, constantly
sexually aroused?
I'm not addicted to porn though, I just love it. My
addiction is far worse than that. I've tried to quit many
times and I can't, I'm not strong enough. Every night I pray
to Jesus to help me overcome my addiction, and so far it's
done no good. Thanks to a recent article I read, about how
one woman overcame her addiction to pornography, I know that
God is testing me, so that when I overcome my addiction, I
am all the stronger for it. You see, I am addicted to
oxygen; I can't help it, I have to breathe all the time.
Knowing that I'm weak like this is a tremendous blow to my
self-esteem; sometimes, I turn to drugs, alcohol, or
meaningless sex with strangers to help cure me of my
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addiction; that only makes it worse. I think that my
addiction began very early, my parents and friends were
always encouraging me to breathe, and I didn't want to feel
like a loser; sometimes I lay awake at night and cry about
it.
Please pray for me. Help me overcome my addiction. And go
watch porno, there's nothing unhealthy about that.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday October 18, 2006
689
I GO: THERE'S NOTHING-WRONG MOM. AND SHE GOES; DON'T TELL ME
THAT, YOU'Rd. ON DRUGS/
Category: Blogging
A lot of people think I'm really strange; some people
even call me crazy.
You can't blame them; they've known me for a long time.
Perhaps I am a little crazy. At the very least, I'm
definitely socially awkward, a jerk, and a lecher (I can't
pass a pair of breasts without giving them a little bit of a
glance, even the terrible ones) . Nobody ever thinks they're
crazy or abnormal, in fact, you don't even notice your
foibles until you try and mix with the "Normals." (Oddly,
Microsoft Word detects a spelling error with the word
normals but finds nothing wrong with words like normalcy,
that's a topic for another blog, another word MS Word
doesn't recognize).
For instance, the other day I was watching the woman
exercise. I had passed her on my way to work and saw that
she was stretching in a very revealing outfit, so I returned
the next day with some snacks and a few drinks so I could
watch her (there was a bench nearby) . She didn't notice me
at first, but when I started shouting suggestions at her,
she took offence and walked away. Sometimes I don't
understand people.
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A few weeks ago, I was waiting for a bus and when it
pulled up, this old woman tried getting on the bus first.
She was having a terrible time getting her walker up the
steep stairs, so I picked her up and set her at the back of
the line. Everyone gave me these strange looks, but it makes
sense that she wait at the end, because we would all get on
the bus faster than she would. It's time efficient.
I never wash my hands when I come from the bathroom,
unless I've managed to shit or piss on myself (which even
then is slightly ridiculous because urine is sterile and
everyone eats their own poop, don't they?) . The piss I'm
pretty lax about, but the shit I was off because otherwise
I'd end up staining my clothes with it; however, if there
are no towels in the bathroom I won't wash at all, no matter
how much shit I get on myself. I hate those stupid dryers
(even though they're environmentally friendly) . Instead, I
look for a stranger, introduce myself, and try and wipe it
off on them.
I don't understand presents for holidays and birthdays.
Isn't it enough that we spend time with these people, but we
have to think about them when they're not there and go out
of your way to get them a present? It ' s a much nicer gesture
to pay for each other when you go out, pick up a check here
and there, not only do you not have to gift wrap it, but
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you're telling your friend that you value their friendship
enough to pay to spend time with them. What I don't
understand is why people get so upset when you bring it up
over and over again. Why even bother being giving with
people if you can't rub it in their face later?
Why do women like flowers? Almost every girl I've dated
says, "I don't like flowers" at the beginning of the
relationship, but at the end, they all complain about never
getting flowers. I've bought plants for girls, but they
don't think it's the same thing, they get very upset with
plants, as if you think of them as your mother or aunt, but
plants live, you can keep them for a long, long time.
Flowers just die, you may as well buy a turtle and not feed
it. I understand that dead flowers smell a lot better than a
dead turtle, but with flowers you don't get the added
entertainment of watching them try to eat themselves from
severe hunger psychosis.
I like to tell unattended children that their parents are
fattening them up to eat them.
Politics and religion are two topics that rile up most
people. If you want to piss someone off, start talking about
politics and religion, the wackier the better. I used to
tell people that we should place an eighteen-year moratorium
on childbirth and take that time to educate all the adults
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who couldn't make it through the first time. It's a nice
solid plan and it's completely ludicrous. One time an
internet show was interviewing people on the street about
their political agenda (during the 2004 RNC in New York) and
I told them about my plan, the reporter looked like she had
accidentally wandered into a psych ward and spoken with the
king nutcase. I like to goad people about their religious
beliefs, but my interest fell over the last few years. It's
not quite as rewarding as telling children that their
parents are going to eat them, because the children
sometimes come up with logical arguments to support their
contrary position.
It's easy to make people cry, just show them a picture of
something really sad and they'll remember a painful moment
in their life that was similar; it's hard to make people
laugh, that's the true test of greatness. If you can make
people laugh, you're doing all right. You can also make
people cry by kicking them in the genitals.
I'm primarily a fiction writer, but I've been having a
lot of fun with this blog, and I haven't written much
fiction recently, except for the story I posted the other
day. It's a variation on two themes from classic stories; I
just melded them together. Tomorrow, I'm going to put up
another fiction piece that is my satirical version of "The
Notebook." The idea came to me yesterday while I was eating
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kkoji, which is Korean for meat on a stick. I thought it was
so funny I laughed out loud and spewed spicy chicken
everywhere. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. One of the
things I admire most about Andy Kaufman is that he didn't
care if anyone else got the joke; it was funny to him. I
couldn't agree more, that's what makes me a jerk. I try to
joke with people all the time, so it's very hard to have a
conversation with me, especially if you don't know me, and
think I'm just a smart-ass idiot. I have a tendency to joke
about things that most people find offensive; for instance,
one time the police was interrogating me and I made a joke
to my wife that if I went to prison it wouldn't really be
cheating, because I wouldn't have a choice. That's what
makes me socially awkward.
It's not that I'm crazy; I'm just lonely. I need your
love. I need it so bad. Couldn't you help me find love? I
think I left it in the back of this unmarked white van. Why
don't you come inside? I've got candy.
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday October 19, 2006
694
HERE'S A GLASS. THERE'S A HOUSE WITH A HOSE AROUND THE CORNER.
Category: Life
I used to have this friend named Pat, and I loved him.
Pat was an upbeat guy. The youngest of seven or eight
children, Pat was what you would call a Catholic mistake
baby. If you know Catholics, you know families like this;
there are four or five children roughly the same age then
there ' s one kid that ' s fifteen years younger than their next
oldest sibling. What I find curious, is that if these women
are still fertile all that time, when keeps them from
getting pregnant for those ten or fifteen years? Does the
husband just forget to pull out one night? Is the wife
taking birth control on the side? Anyway...
Pat went to high school with my wife, and we met him on
the street one night; I thought he was a cool guy and, lo
and behold, a few months later we ended up working together.
Pat and I started hanging out every once in a while. He
would come over, get stoned, get drunk and sometimes pass
out. Pat always wanted to pay me for the weed he smoked, or
buy weed from me, but I don't like to sell drugs, I like to
DO drugs. I don't mind sharing if someone comes over and
hangs out. I don't want money for it, unless money gets you
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high, but all my experiments in that area have been
unsuccessful so far.
I love smoking weed, because it inebriates you for a few
hours at a time. One of my biggest complaints about drinking
is that you have to keep at it, it takes dedication, which,
most of the time, I don't feel like mustering. Sure being
drunk is nice, I guess, but it's rarely worth all the effort
of getting drunk. I like alcohol, it's not that bad, but
it ' s not worth it .
Marijuana is a great drug because it's good any time of
the year. You can smoke weed any time and it makes any
situation instantly better; be that work, play, family
functions, or a trip to a Chinese buffet.
The fall is my favorite time of the year; I love to watch
the leaves change color at the exact time that the sky is as
clear and blue as it's ever going to get. It's my favorite
time of the year to trip.
A lot more people than I ever expected are averse to
tripping; I don't blame them, it can be very mentally
demanding (plus that means more for me) . Most people have a
strange belief that eating mushrooms or acid will make them
see bizarre things and will warp their fragile, little
minds; however, the visual effects of acid or mushrooms
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don't make anything appear, they just blur the things that
are already there .
A lot of cultures have advocated the use of hallucinogens
as a way to communicate with God, and I can't blame them,
but as I don't believe in God myself, I think their opinions
are misplaced.
Alcohol and marijuana slow down your thinking process as
many inebriated drivers, their rear wheels spinning
uselessly in the air as they crawl out of the shattered
windshield, over the bits of child splattered on their hood,
will tell you. Speed, cocaine, and the like speed up your
thinking process, but don't make it any clearer, like
talking to a fifteen-year-old cheerleader. The thing about
hallucinogens is that your thinking process is not impaired
at all, although your motor functions may be; however, the
synapses in your brain make connections they otherwise would
not. So it's easy for someone on hallucinogens to see a
connection between paper towels and potato sticks where a
sober person would find none.
The fall is my favorite time to trip because it ' s a dry
season (in the spring and summer I always feel wet when I'm
tripping and it's unpleasant) and the trees are positively
exploding with color. The fall also reminds us, we humans,
of our place in the universe; that we are here for a blink
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of a geological eye and then we're gone. In my opinion,
there are lots of pretty things to see (and touch) , so why
waste time worrying about anything, when there's so much
more to enjoy.
The fall is my favorite time of the year because people
huddle together in their homes; large social activities fall
off as the weather gets colder and the days shorter. The
fall is the best time for going home.
So, Pat didn't want to trip at first, but I kept telling
him that there wasn't anything wrong with it, and he'd enjoy
himself just fine. We ate mushrooms together, and Pat spent
the night smiling so wide, it looked like his face was going
to split open. I don't see Pat much anymore (a few more
times after we tripped, but he got a new job as a high
powered stock broker and got real busy), but I'd like to
think he's doing okay out there, maybe a little more
centered since our adventure .
This is the first year in a long time when I haven't
tripped during the fall, and as I watch the leaves change
color, I miss it more and more. Most of the time, the world
is a crazy place and I can't make much sense of it, and
tripping makes it much more incoherent, but I get a feeling
when I start tripping, like the world is slipping away. It
makes me feel so disconnected that I could slip off the face
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of the planet and disappear, not only while I'm tripping,
but at any moment; just that I'm not aware of it until the
walls start melting. It makes the world feel like living in
an insane asylum, and that feels like coming home.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday October 23, 2 06
699
I'VE GOT A BRAND NEW HOUSE BY THE ROADSIDE AND IT'S MADE OF
RATTLESNAKE HIDE
Category: Life
I'm a one trick pony.
Any self examination is bound to be wrought with a little
bit of disappointment mixed with a jigger or two of
depression and a dash of anger. I used to have so much
potential, what happened?
As much as I'd like to take the easy way out and blame
some third party like the Jews or liberals or conservatives,
I'm too old to believe that there really is a boogey man
hiding in the closet (especially since I am often hiding in
other people's closets) . As children, it's very easy to feel
victimized, because we don't understand that there are other
intelligences out there, which have needs and desires that
are sometimes diametrically opposed to our own. Children
think that someone is out to get them and that is why their
parents refuse to buy them (insert name of overpriced piece
of plastic) .
There are very few people out there who take actions
specifically to injure another person; for instance, when
that nice, young man comes up to you with a gun, he doesn't
really want to hurt you, he just wants your money. He thinks
700
he needs it more than you do, and that you'll be more likely
to give it to him if he brandishes a gun. There's no evil
intent there, it's just a guy trying to get by.
Victimization is a tricky thing; it's very hard for a
person in the above example to look at a situation
objectively and say: "So what it's just money." People feel
hurt; they feel betrayed.
Similarly, that girl you meet a bar, the one whose
cleavage gets a little more pronounced as the night goes on
and who seems more interested in you after you've had a few
drinks; she's not trying to break up your marriage, she was
just looking for a good time. You're the one who had to
spoil it by bringing her back to you house because you
didn't think your wife would be there, even though she
specifically told me that she was going out with some
friends .
The wife should also let it go, her husband wasn't out to
hurt her, he was just trying to spend an evening without
someone bitching at him.
Most people do not set out to hurt other people, but most
people lack the ability to empathize with others (or think
through the consequences of their actions) and so the people
who depend on them are often hurt in the process.
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Then there ' s me...
I'm not a bad man; I just think it's funny to test other
people's patience. So when I'm out at a bar with a friend,
I ' 11 urge them to talk to that woman with the pronounced
cleavage, even though I know they have a girlfriend. I'll
tell my gun-toting friend that he really needs the money and
that woman in the Gucci shoes obviously has more than she
requires. I like to hurt people, but only if they get the
joke .
Emotional pain, while much more damaging that physical
pain, is also much easier to overcome. Just look at children
and you'll see this principle demonstrated. You could tell a
child that their parents are splitting up and it ' s all their
fault, making the poor little bastard cry, but an afternoon
at an amusement park (or an other place that generates the
kind of positive energy on which a kid likes to groove) can
clear that up right quick.
My wife always gets mad at me because I tell her that
she's being ridiculous for being in a bad mood, but I can't
help it. There's something wrong with my brain that makes my
happiness level directly inversely proportional to the level
of depression around me. If you want to make me really upset
and depressed, take me to a place where people are happy and
702
jovial; it drives me up a wall. When people around me are in
a bad mood, I instantly feel much better. I don't know if
their depression reminds me how ridiculous it is to be
depressed or if I get off on their misery, but either way,
that's how I roll.
I lied when I said I don't know why it happens, I know
exactly why it happens. You see, my brain is all confused
and I never believe people when they say things like they're
happy or they're sad because they look forced (as I'm sure I
look to other people when I say I'm happy or sad) ; most
human emotion is forced, we convince ourselves of an
appropriate outlook and then match our attitude to that.
Most of the time, in conducive places, the veneer holds up,
but sometimes, it wears thin real fast. Ever spent a week
anticipating a particular event, only to participate in said
event and feel let down? Better yet, look at stereotypical
brides on their wedding day, the anticipation builds for so
long that no amount of happiness could possibly match the
anticipated level and people get sad. Not for very long,
though, that's why we have drugs. Think of your family
vacations; long drives with your parents (and a sibling or
seven) as they scream at you to: "Just be quiet and have
fun, God damnit ! "
It's not that I revel in people's misery, or disdain
people's happiness; I just hate the necessity of those
emotions in predictable situations. People at a wedding, who
703
are miserable most of the year, take that opportunity to get
drunk, let loose and have a good time. The ability and means
of producing that emotion are within them all the time, but
they wait for approved situations for acting out their
desires. The same goes for depression, if you find out that
your spouse is cheating on you, it doesn't necessarily have
to produce depression, in fact, it can be a moment of relief
that you no longer have to worry about that particular
person screwing you over (as they already have) .
There's an ecstasy in the experience of being, without
emotion, and experiencing the world as it flows through you,
without subjective observation.
Of course, I'm being a complete hypocrite; I'm a one
trick pony myself. All I can do is look at the world around
me and laugh at its absurdity. There's nothing more absurd
then getting married and having a big wedding (unless you
really need an electric hair curler/toaster/massage chair) .
If you want to be monogamous with a person, just make the
decision in your mind and do it, change from the inside and
let it work its way out in your actions; that way, when you
eventually fail, you won't feel too bad about it. When you
have a big ceremony like that, you're just setting yourself
up for disappointment; everybody knows the first marriage
never takes .
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Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday October 24, 2006
705
BANANA CHIPS FOR YOU, BANANA CHIPS FOR M£
Category: News and Politics
Wal-Mart often comes under fire for being evil and
destroying local businesses. Defenders say that their
business model has made them a successful corporation;
therefore, the people who complain are just jealous of Wal-
Mart's success. They say that Wal-Mart creates jobs, turns a
huge profit, and brings an innovative approach to retail.
Companies that make too much money often come under fire,
but I'm here to ask why. Why is it that successful companies
are often targeted for their success?
Perhaps profit is the enemy; after all, millions of
people are uselessly buried every year when their corpses
could be used to create a highly nutritional slurry and the
land (which is wasted with unnecessary burials) could be
turned into housing tracts or farms. There's a lot of waste
in this country; for instance, crack babies whose parents
don't care or are dead, why not sell those children to
foreign governments where underage prostitution is legal and
encouraged. Medical resources are being wasted on old people
to give them brief life extensions, why not let anyone over
65 die naturally so they don't provide a burden on society.
706
Some say that employees should receive a share of the
profits if the company does well, and some counter that
argument by arguing that companies should therefore be
allowed to cut wages if a person under-perf orms .
Unfortunately for the later writer, their argument is
flawed, because companies don't have to lower a worker's
wage, they fire them. Profit sharing would probably be very
effective. The important thing to remember is that
corporations, and governments, are inverse pyramids where
the more POWER a person has, the less likely they are to
influence anything directly, while the less POWER a person
has the more likely they are to have a direct effect on the
business. Part of running a successful business is keeping
the workers just happy enough that they want to keep working
for you, but not so happy that they want special treatment
and realize that they actually hold all the POWER.
Part of the problem in America is that workers have had
it too good for too long, and if business owners want to get
back some of the power they've lost they've got to gradually
lower the standard for workers, which they've been doing
admirably since Ronald Reagan helped break the strength of
large labor unions .
The American Dream is a myth; it's a pyramid scheme like
organized religion, the lottery, and those schemes from
which pyramid schemes get their name. True, you have a
707
pretty good chance of making it in America, but you have an
equally good chance of being eaten by an alligator and
winning the lottery on the same day (in no particular
order) . There are 300,000,000 people in America but there
are only 793 billionaires worldwide, even if all those
billionaires were American that means there's less than a 1%
chance of any person becoming one . The odds are much better
of becoming a millionaire; there are 2.5 million
millionaires in America, or 0.8% of the population. Those
are still good odds, considering that the probability for a
divine creator are much, much lower.
The best indicator of a country's success is not the
number of wealthy individuals, but the number of people who
climb out of poverty (pull themselves up by their
bootstraps), but I don't have any hard data on that. I do
know that in France, in 1790, the distribution of wealth was
so lopsided that the peasants revolted. The bottom 40% of
America currently controls about 1% of its total wealth.
It's not that profit is a bad thing, but what generates
the profit and where that profit goes can be a bad thing.
One of the biggest complaints I have with the current
Republican leadership is their insistence on breaking up the
estate (or death) tax. Apart from the first few million
dollars (which are not taxed) , there is no good reason for
one generation to pass wealth along to their family. Like I
708
said before, if you have it too good for too long, you start
to get strange ideas in your head that you somehow deserve
it. Case in point: Paris Hilton.
One of the main reasons for opposing the consolidation of
wealth is that competition breeds innovation (even though it
might not always be healthy in the short term) . Large
corporations are unwieldy and bureaucratic; they stifle
innovation. The larger a corporation gets, the higher it's
operating costs; the trend, in cutting costs, has been to
cut benefits to mid and low level employees (which is
sometimes justified) but makes the employees (who had been
treated nicely) more prone to corruption and greed. Then
there is the question of where the money goes once it's been
revenued. In a perfect laissez-faire world, it would
automatically be redistributed through investment, but more
often these days it's getting hoarded.
I guess the big problem is not profit, but the mercantile
idea that money can only be made by taking it from someone
else. Money does no such thing; money is a myth like the
chariot god who rides the sun across the sky every day and
rests in a palace during the night. Of course, try living
without money and you'll find that even the myth has some
basis in reality, just like the fact that the sun goes
across the sky every night. People believe that money exists
and that they need it to live, but there were plenty of
709
people alive before the creation of money, living in
societies and trading what they had too much of for what
they needed. Money is the same way, it's a completely
useless commodity, and so whenever you have some, you
generally want to get rid of it in order to get something
else, like an ice cream cone or a hooker.
The great thing about money is that there is always more
of it. If you don't like your job, then go look for money in
the street, or just sit outside a subway station and ask
people for it. Sure, you probably don't have the sympathy
effect going because you're not homeless (yet), but you can
still probably rake in a good couple bucks, especially if
you can play an instrument .
So what do you do with all that money, once you have it?
Well, you can run for public office, and then pass laws that
protect your money from disappearing in taxes, or you can
move out of the country, to some island in the middle of the
ocean and name it after yourself (Jose Cuervo) . The
important thing is that you keep the money moving around, so
it doesn't start to stagnate; otherwise, you turn into one
of those old timers who's got money stashed in every coffee
can in the house .
I still haven't answered my initial question (I get
sidetracked that way) : Why is Wal-Mart evil?
710
Wal-Mart is a lot like crack. Marijuana (my drug of
choice) is fairly benign because addiction rates are very
low and a little bit can go a long way, but crack is a drug
dealers dream because it ' s easy and cheap to make and
addictive as all get out. One of the nice things about
addictive drugs is that they let you live in a semi-constant
state of denial about how much you really need those drugs.
Just like Wal-Mart's...
Censorship. Wal-Mart sells safe, vanilla versions of
movies and CDs (but not books) ; I understand that a business
can sell whatever it wants, which is why I wouldn't mind if
Wal-Mart straight up refused to sell those products, but to
pass off censored versions is worse than tawdry. It's like
paying good money for a hooker, and all she'll give you is a
hand j ob .
Crack is also great (for dealers) because it doesn't last
very long; so, you've constantly got repeat customers
looking to get a fix. Just like Wal-Mart's shitty...
Products. Wal-Mart is in the business of selling crap,
and when I say crap, I don't mean crap in a metaphorical
sense, like they sell lots of crap; I metaphorically mean,
Wal-Mart sells crap, as in shitty products. Let me use an
anecdotal story to explain why. When I was thirteen years
711
old I got a toaster oven for Christmas (why I got a toaster
oven is not important, I was a weird kid, leave it at that)
and I had that toaster oven until I moved to Korea, it
probably still works (if it hasn't been thrown away), sure
not in the best condition, but it works. I had that toaster
for over ten years. A similar product from Wal-Mart has a
shelf life of less than half that, because their toaster
ovens are made by a Guatemalan company Block & Ducker by
children (whose tiny hands don't know how to wire toasters)
with shitty components (aluminum foil does not conduct
electricity as well as copper) . Of course, my parents
probably spent a little more money on that toaster; let's
say 100 dollars, so the cost of operating the toaster (minus
electricity and things to toast) was ten dollars per year. A
similar toaster from Wal-Mart costs about 30 dollars but
lasts only two to four years, which doesn't seem that bad,
you buy a toaster once every two to four years, and you
forget about it, but that's some wasteful shit. Home
appliances should not be disposable like plastic utensils
and paper cups, it creates unnecessary waste and it ends up
costing you more money.
So a new toaster every two to four years costs
approximately $80 to $150 over the course of ten years, but
you also have to include the cost of going to the store and
buying the toaster (which, if you're an American probably
includes a trip in your car) , the time wasted to get a new
712
toaster, the money you have to pay the garbage man to take
away your old toaster, and the interest you end up paying
(let's face it, if you're an American, you're probably
buying your new toaster with a credit card) . A very good
friend of mine has an excellent saying: "I'm too poor to buy
cheap things . "
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday October 25, 2006
713
BUT IT'S HARD TO READ THROUGH THE RISING SMOKE OF THE BOOKS
THAT YOU LIKE TO BURN
Category: News and Politics
Some of my favorite movies are about alien invasions; not
the new "War of the Worlds" (that sucked) but good alien
movies that star Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, or Will Smith.
Someday, aliens are going to invade the earth. Are you going
to stand for that? Because I'm not, I'll tell you that right
now. My brains are for thinking and masturbating only and
not so I can fuel an alien craft that runs on human brain
slurry.
When I was much older than I am now, I ran for several
elections; I never made speeches, I didn't do any
campaigning and I lost, but often by narrow margins. Of
course, in each of those elections, I opined the unfairness
of it all, cast aspersions on my opponents for voter
intimidation and gerrymandering, and acted like a complete
and total asshole (which is what I do best) . Those were hard
times in high school and university. If I only knew then
what I know now, that blaming your opponent and casting
unfair accusations is campaigning, then perhaps I would have
been a little bit less of an asshole, but then again non-
assholes usually don't run for public office.
714
There is a certain hubris involved in politics; everyone
thinks they know how other people should live there lives,
but very few of them enforce their beliefs on others in
significant ways, say like passing laws. I often dream about
telling other people what to do, that's just the fascist in
me, but I refrain, because I have a lot of behaviors that
other people might find offensive, and I don't want them
bothering me .
When I lived with my friend, he was notoriously bad about
washing the dishes; most of the time, he would leave things
in dirty dishes so long that they would crust over and mold
up. I almost always ended up washing his dishes for him.
It's not that I was coddling him (although in a way I was),
but I myself do not like doing dishes very much either, and
I hate washing dishes immediately after I eat; I don't mind
waiting a day to take care of things like that (I'm also
notoriously bad about folding clothes, there are always
piles of clean clothes lying around that go unfolded, when I
go back to America, I'm not buying a dresser) . I do hate
being hassled; I would do anything to avoid being hassled.
In the case of my friend, I found that if I didn't hassle
him about the dishes, he wouldn't hassle me, and then I
could wash the dishes at my leisure. It wasn't a perfect
system, but it worked.
715
It seems to me that people want things to be perfect all
the time; they're rarely happy with the little fixes that I
value so much. I value the closeness and connection I form
with appliances that are difficult to operate without some
knowledge of its defects; for instance, my beloved toaster
(the one I wrote about yesterday) , when it got a little old,
it didn't work so great anymore, you had to hold the knob in
such a way for it to turn on and stay on. I love that
toaster more than I love a lot of people I've met in my
life. That may seem funny to you, but there were some days
when nobody in the world loved me like that toaster.
Perfection is a myth, like women who REALLY don't care
about the size of a man's penis and men who REALLY want to
cuddle, but people seem to like myths, so they persist and
plague our collective subconscious. I don't care for myths;
I like to test things and see if they really work. That's
why, a few years ago, I was on top of a very tall bridge,
praying for God to give me the power of flight so I could
spread her message to the masses. Two broken legs and many
painful hours of physical therapy later, I was finally cured
of my mistaken belief that there is no God by a priest who
told me: "The Lord doesn't like to show off."
The strangest place where people seek perfection is in
their politicians. If a politician does the slightest thing
wrong, there are calls for his head and he's roasted on the
716
bonfire of partisan bickering. Mark Foley didn't do anything
wrong. It's perfectly legal for a grown man to solicit sex
from a 16 year old boy in Washington DC. Bill Clinton didn't
do anything wrong, he got a blowjob and lied about it so his
wife wouldn't find out. I'll even go so far as to say Trent
Lott didn't do anything wrong, he probably didn't mean that
the US would be a better place if segregation had lasted
past the 60s (he was at a party commemorating a dude, he got
caught up in the emotion of the whole thing, and you would
too), but, as a white, male, land owner in the South he most
likely is a racist and so when people called for his head
for being one, there wasn't much he could say in his
defense .
Politicians are people just like you or I, the only
difference is that you and I are content to go about our
daily business, quietly grumbling about the woman with large
fingernails who pops her gum on the train or the jackass who
cut you off on the highway. Politicians want to tell other
people how they should live their lives, but they'll rarely
ever tell them to their face; they get people like you and I
to do that. When is the last time you saw a politician stand
in front of a crowd of junkies and say: "Federal funding of
rehabilitation programs has got to end. You people have a
problem and you should be ashamed of yourselves."
Politicians are those asshole neighbors who call the cops
when you're having a party instead of coming over to tell
717
you that you're being too loud and ask you to keep it down.
Why would they do that?
Well, if anyone asked me to keep it down, while I was
having a party, I'd tell them to deal with it (because I'm
an asshole) . The world is not a perfect place; sometimes we
have to deal with imperfection.
I rarely keep normal hours because I hate the sun and all
it's glaring evil. That means I sleep during the day and I
have to deal with traffic noise, constructions, people
shouting, and music blaring, but, as a human being, I've
developed a defense to all those troublesome auditory
distractions... I ignore them. Just like my toaster that needs
a little jiggling to get toasting; I learned the best way to
shut out noise from the outside and go to sleep.
Politicians are the people who call the cops on your
party and not the people who ask you to keep it down,
because they know it won't work most of the time.
That said, there are two words I would like to discuss
that I hear thrown around an awful lot: liberal and
conservative .
Let's get this straight, because what I'm about to say is
of no importance to anyone. Conservative simply means, less
718
likely to take risks. If I want to get across a river and
the only bridge is a piece of dental floss held in place by
two midgets with Tourette ' s Syndrome, I'll probably keep
walking until I find a safer way across, even if that means
I have to go out of my way to find one. Liberal means more
likely to take chances; so, they wouldn't think twice about
crossing the dental floss death trap. This is an extreme
example, but I think it's easier to prove a point if you
explain it in very hyperbolic terms.
When it comes to politics that means a liberal would be
more likely to try something that hasn't been done before,
while a conservative would be less likely to introduce
radical changes to an existing system. The current two party
system in America is not comprised of liberal Democrats and
conservative Republicans, both parties are overwhelmingly
conservative. Despite many changes suggested by both
parties, neither party is currently advocating the complete
overthrow of the United States government in favor of rule
by monkey law. That would be considered the extreme liberal
ideology. Despite many attempts to resist changes to laws,
both political parties want the governmental machine to keep
running almost exactly as it has in the past, with very
minor changes. The Republicans and Democrats in Washington
are almost all conservative.
719
Of course, on particular issues, each party becomes more
liberal or more conservative; for instance, Democrats are
more conservative about foreign diplomacy, national
security, and increasing taxes to the wealthy and
businesses, but liberal about social issues such as
marijuana decriminalization and gay marriage. Republicans
are more liberal about foreign diplomacy, national security,
and immigration, but very conservative about social issues
such as gay marriage, gun control, and criminal law. Both
parties become liberal when they want to change existing
laws and social programs to reflect their agendas, both
parties become conservative when they want to keep things
the same. One issue, upon which Republicans and Democrats in
Congress consistently agree, is that they (as a legislative
body) deserve more money.
Conservative and liberal are myths just like perfections.
The only people I've ever met who are completely
conservative are corpses, and the only people I've ever met
who are completely liberal are new born children. Adults,
that is thinking adults, make judgments based on their
thoughts and opinions about each particular issue that comes
up in their day; asking themselves questions like: "Should I
beat that man to death because he is a homosexual?" or "How
much butter IS it unhealthy to consume in one sitting?"
720
The polarizing effect of conservative vs. liberal is
based on the age old idea that there is "Other" and Other is
not only completely different from you, but is also actively
working at your destruction, by fair means or foul; which is
why, Other is responsible for all the bad things that happen
in your life and the world at large.
People have such a hard time empathizing that they fail
to realize essential truths. Liberal or conservative, the
people living in America are Americans and they are most
likely not working to undermine the country in a deliberate
way. Conservatives and liberals are all acting on their best
intentions while they demonize their opponents, because both
sides believe, not that they know what would be good for the
country, but that Other is completely fucking clueless when
it comes to survival in the 21 st century. If this were true,
there would be people wandering around in blue and red dunce
caps, sticking their fingers in electrical sockets from
Derry, Maine to San Demis, California.
It's about time that people stopped arguing with
politicians and let them do their own thing down in
Washington; leave them alone and let them issue useless
proclamations and ridiculous laws. You and I, we're people
and our survival is dependant upon each other in this great
web of a society our ancestors built for us. If we don't
stop imagining boogey men in liberal or conservative
721
clothing then we'll soon be jumping at shadows in dark
alleys. Of course, people need a target for their anger,
otherwise they start to realize that the problem just might
be themselves, so if you really need someone to hate, then
let ' s choose a random celebrity every year and throw them
into a pit of boiling lava during the Super bowl halftime
show (now with more tits than ever) . Besides, if we don't
stop jerking ourselves off over how superior we are to our
political adversaries and start getting along, then the
first alien race that decides to invade our planet is going
to wipe us the fuck out. Are you an alien sympathizer?
Because if you take part in partisan bickering and useless
discussion of conservatives or liberals evil, then you're
aiding the aliens and that makes you a traitor.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday October 27, 2006
722
IT'S A PORN UTOPIA, A CORNUCOPIA OF WARM FALLOPIA
Category: News and Politics
Sexual intercourse is very frightening.
Okay, maybe not so much anymore, but think back to the
first time you were about to lay down to make the beast with
two back. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that you were
shaking in your sheepskin. Luckily, my first time was with a
woman who was experience in such matters and she soothed me
with her kind words .
I disrobed, stood naked and erect before her; she said,
"Put the money on the night stand when you're finished and
get out" then she lay down.
There's still so much fear that goes into sex, and you
see it on people's faces all the time. It disturbs me to no
end when I see a guy or a gal ham fistedly flirting with
someone and using lines you wouldn't buy in an email forward
let alone real life. Sex involves a form of advertising that
makes me feel very uncomfortable, especially since people
dress themselves up so nice just to trade body fluids with
another monkey human. Most of the time, I just wait until
someone yawns and then blow a snot rocket in their mouth;
it's just as gooey and almost as satisfying.
723
Part of the problem is that people are not ready for sex
at all times. You really have to convince some people that
it's sex time, and these people are not for me; at that
point, you're selling something that the other person
doesn't need, but you make them think they want. I prefer to
revel in my sewage treatment worker- like aromas and hobo
style of dress and leave myself open to the world. Who wants
to fuck? You do? Sure, I've got an afternoon to kill.
I hear lots of reasons why people should have sex with
strangers. There's the danger, but just because it's hard to
conceal a gun when you're completely naked, doesn't mean it
can't be done or that a gun can't be substituted for another
weapon. There's the disease and pregnancy, but condoms can
take care of a good majority of that. If you are one of the
unlucky 1.2% of the population for whom condoms don't work,
then you can console yourself that at least a bus didn't hit
you. Besides, less than 1% of the world's population has
AIDS, so the chances that sleeping with an infected person
and catching the disease through a defective condom are so
minimal that you may as well put your money on getting hit
by a bus, because that's far more likely to happen. The
other venereal disease are either curable by antibiotics or,
like herpes, won't kill you.
I often wonder why people aren't more amenable to fucking
strangers. Say, for instance, that I was waiting at a train
724
station, and an announcement was made that the next train
was delayed and wouldn't arrive for the next thirty minutes;
why not fuck to pass the time. Sure, some people remember to
bring books, or a newspaper with them when they take the
train, but there's no reason why you can't read a book or a
newspaper while someone manipulates your genitalia. And so
what if you have to put down your reading material for a few
minutes to accommodate them? You'd probably spend the same
amount of time in idle chitchat on the platform.
The plain truth is that people are too uptight about all
kinds of things to hump a stranger without any hesitation.
There's image problems, and inane religious hang-ups, and
let's not forget cleanliness issues.
The only reason I wonder why people aren't more welcome
to getting fucked at train stations and the like, is that,
every year, people go to the polls and vote into office
people who get off on fucking others. A politician, who you
trusted, is using your vote to line his or her pockets with
your tax dollars and the best defense people generally
muster is partisan rancor over the proclivity of a
particular party to partake in such behavior.
Since politicians end up doing the fucking anyway, and
people already have the societal inclination to not get
fucked, then I think it would be a much better political
725
system if candidates were positioned outside polling places
(more than 500 feet away, so as not to influence the outcome
too much) where they could "register" every voter before
they cast their ballot. Sure, right now, I despise President
Bush, but maybe if he gave me a little tender anal action,
I'd be more inclined to believe him when he asks for my
trust .
Of course, this is obviously a ridiculous plan. No
politician could ever service as many voters as there are
districts, and what would you possibly do before national
presidential elections; also, no man could ever last so long
without causing major health problems. Since it is a
politicians job to continually fuck their constituents, and
a man (for physical reasons) is not up to the job to do the
fucking, then it is obvious that men are not suited for
politics, and a law should immediately be passed that bans
men from running in general elections.
Women, on the other hand, can service thousand of
partners in a single day; therefore, all political
candidates, from this point on, should be women and women
only.
I support the candidacy of pornstars like Mary Carey and
Mimi Miyagi, because politicians should know how to fuck,
and, ask around, if you want to get fucked, you don't go
726
knocking on the door of rich, protestant, white boys with
bad haircuts. Rich, protestant, white boys with bad haircuts
are for making your significant other jealous when you tell
them that your new boyfriend/girlfriend is a (choose one:
lawyer, doctor, accountant, stock broker) .
So the next time you head to the polls, I want you to
cover your finger in talcum powder, stick in and out of your
ass a few times, and savor the unsatisfactory feeling,
because that ' s the modern American DemoRepublicancrat party
fucking you. It doesn't feel very good does it? Don't worry,
I know what you like.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday October 27, 2006
727
THZY'Re. GONNA PUT MZ IN THE MOVIES
I'm so tired today; I can barely keep my eyes open. I
don't know what it is, I didn't do anything yesterday, but
today I feel like I could pass out at any minute.
All last week, and for the last few weekends, Mercedes
and I have been watching movies. Before I left America, I
swore I would never watch another remake, reimagination,
sequel, adaptation, comic book based, TV show based movie. I
couldn't stand paying 9 or 10 dollars to go see a version of
Willy Wonka that was worse than staring at a black screen in
silence for two and a half hours. When I download those same
movies for free, I don't mind so much, in fact, I actually
enjoy watching some of them.
It seems that, as movie prices get higher, Hollywood
studios are releasing longer and longer movies. The average
length of a summer blockbuster is now well over two hours,
and Peter Jackson's piece of shit version of "King Kong" was
almost three hours long (not to mention his god-awful "Lord
of the Ring's movies") . This weekend, Mercedes and I watched
"Superman Returns," which ran 154 minutes and Spiderman 2,
which ran for 127 minutes; there doesn't seem to be an end
in sight.
728
My father always said, that if you can't be good then at
least be long. I've taken that message to heart (just look
at the length of my average blog, or any of my novels) , but
I'm just an amateur, my product is supposed to be mediocre;
these people making movies, they're professionals. What the
hell are they doing?
Last night, Mercedes and I watched a special called
"Pirates of the Internet" about how file sharing is evil and
people who do it aught to be ashamed of themselves. As the
primary source of much pirated material, I took great
umbrage to that statement .
The primary opponents of file sharing have so far been
music and movie executives, the music industry most notably
during the Napster fiasco, and the movie industry in their
recent ad campaign to fight file sharing by comparing it to
robbing a bank (or a believe it was a liquor store in the
commercial) . I will leave aside my qualms with money for the
moment to discuss the inherent value of a piece of art.
In a free market, an object is worth exactly as much as
people are willing to pay for it. The largest targets of
Internet piracy have been pop stars (in music) and Hollywood
(in movies) ; as someone who is part of the file sharing
community, it is very hard to find esoteric films or songs
online without some serious digging or a friend or two. Most
729
of the file sharing I do involves hard to find movies and
music in an effort to increase awareness of these products.
When it comes to living artists, who don't get a lot of
radio play, I like to make their material available so that
people can get it if they want, but I still buy the album
and rip it myself because I like the artist and I want to
see them do well. I only physically rip music or movies
under two circumstance: when there is something I want for
my computer and carrying around a CD or DVD of all that
material is unwieldy, or when a company makes a point of
people not sharing the record.
A few years ago, I was at a concert and Citizen Cope
opened for Dan Bern; they passed out these LPs with a
specific warning against music piracy. I went home and
immediately ripped the song and posted it online. The band
Guster released an album a few years back, and someone from
their record label posted dummy files online; I bought the
CD, ripped it, and shared the hell out of it.
My ability to manipulate the technology owes a lot to
hardworking people who develop software to do the things I
need to do. It used to be very difficult, but now, in the
space of a few hours, I can make a perfect DVD copy of a
movie in less time than it takes for the studio that made
the movie to negotiate the domestic distribution rights.
730
It ' s so easy, that I can now rip the FBI and Interpol
warning off a DVD and post them online.
I'm not sure why some people rip music and movies, but I
can tell you why I do it . I like the digital format, CDs and
DVDs are cumbersome and they frequently get scratched. The
sound is not as good as analog, but, with the right stereo,
it doesn't really matter. Computers have always been more
rewarding to me than people, because within those little
boxes, lie enough material to keep us from going bored for
the rest of our natural lives.
The other reason I rip movies is that I'm an asshole.
When people make rules that are easily broken, I like to
flaunt the fact in their faces. Like women who tell you
ridiculous things like "Don't come in my mouth" and "Who are
you and why are you climbing through my window" or those
annoying clerks down at the supermarket who insist that you
"pay" for everything that you "break" (Hey, if they didn't
want people making whipped cream turkey bombs, then they
shouldn't sell whipped cream, frozen turkeys and butane in
the same store) . When movie studios say that they depend on
people going to see their movies, which makes me want to rip
them all the more.
I can't tell when it started, but there was a time when I
loved the movies, and they loved me right back, but times
731
change, and lovers change. The person who cooked you
breakfast yesterday is tossing someone else's salad today.
Movies have a new beau, and I'm not sure who it is, but he
makes her dress like a tramp.
I guess it was during "Planet of the Apes" the Tim Burton
fiasco. The first time I watched the movie, I really,
genuinely liked it. I was so excited to see apes on the big
screen that a fugue can over my mind and I brayed like an
idiot. I watched it a few days later with my girlfriend,
and, without the expectation of finding caviar; I tasted the
shit from which the movie was actually made. It was so long,
too; I think I fell asleep the second time I saw that awful
piece of garbage .
Some people accuse me of being a snob about it; they say
that I can't relax and enjoy myself in the movies; that I'm
too critical. I suppose they're right, but until I find
someone masturbating in the Hallmark card section of the
druggists, I'm going to keep my cynicism. There is a certain
forced quality present in most of the movies made these
days, and it is reflective of the conservative thinking in
America (I don't mean political ideology, but that is an
extension of this) whereby market research and focus groups
and demographic analysis and a whole bunch of other things
that businesses employ to find the best way NOT to lose
money. There doesn't seem to be any studio out there who is
732
doing anything innovative, just recycling the same old crap.
From a business standpoint, I can understand it, because
movies have been a great drain of money for a long time, but
from an artistic standpoint, why even bother making movies
when you can just take footage of puppy dogs rolling around
in tall grass and sunsets for people to drool over.
I said earlier that the market would dictate what people
are willing to pay to see a movie, and they do; for most of
the drivel that comes out of Hollywood, they're willing to
pay... nothing. Movies are so bad that people won't even
bother paying for them; they'll even sit through shitty CAM
rips just to watch them for free.
The Hollywood execs and director (M Night Shyamalan) said
that internet downloads were killing the industry, and that
Hollywood studios would not be able to continue to make the
kind of movies they've been making if the trend continues.
They said it as if it was a bad thing; I couldn't be
happier.
One of the reasons I hate the Yankees is that players
turn into pansies once they start playing for them. I guess
when you're getting that big a paycheck, there's no need to
kill yourself. Still, it's boring to watch Roger Dorn and
galling to see the Roger Dorn ' s go to the World Series year
after year. The last few years have been great. I love to
733
see the Yankees lose. Once they're on the bottom again, then
I'll start rooting for them. I love underdogs.
Perhaps is Hollywood studios had the fear of God put back
into them; they'd take a few more chances and produce
something more than processed (American) cheese
entertainment. For half the price of a "Star Wars", or a
"Superman Returns," studios can make a pretty good product
with acting that is just as good as the major "stars" of
today. The problem is not that people are downloading
movies. It's that the movies are so bad, people would rather
wait a few hours than pay ten bucks for ticket, five dollars
for popcorn, four dollars for a drink, five hundred dollars
for a gun, twenty dollars for a box of ammo and have to
shoot themselves rather than live with the fact they spent
hard-earned money on "Superman Returns 2: The Return of
Superman Returns . "
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday October 30, 2 06
734
OR I CAN PUT ON SOME BLACK PAJAMAS AND 60 AS A BIG, BLACK
HALLOWEEN CAT
Halloween is a great holiday, and it actually is a
holiday, since the word holiday means "Holy Day" and
Halloween is religiously affiliated; therefore it is a
holiday.
There are lots of American holidays that are not
holidays, at least that's what my congressional
representative said when he finally replied to my 231 st
letter on the subject of making April 16 th National Bukkake
day. My argument was that people would feel refreshed to get
a face full of cum after taking a big federal dick in the
ass; the congressman wrote back that I had 48 hours to leave
the country or face reprisals from the eff -bee-eye.
So here I am in Korea, where people don't really make a
big deal out of Halloween. I don't mind, I was never all
that into Halloween myself; sure, it was nice when I was a
kid, but my capacity for consuming large amounts of sweets
has diminished to the point where I can barely finish a
whole bag of Hershey' s miniatures without feeling slightly
queasy.
One of the most popular treats in Korea is a rice
cake/cookie type thing called ddok, which is great when used
in dishes like ddokbokki, but terrible when served as a
735
desert. The taste is something like soggy Styrofoam.
Fortunately, there are plenty of other treats in Korea that
are incredibly delicious and, in large grocery stores; you
can find all sorts of western treats. Today, I brought in
two bags of Hershey kisses cookie and cream for my students.
I was recently mobbed by a group of Korean children with
their hands out begging for candy like a pencil neck geek in
a hotel room after the prom.
I want to wax nostalgic about Halloween, but my memories
of the holiday are vague at best. I suppose the drugs are
largely to blame for that, but maybe it's the chocolate as
well. Either way, I can't remember Halloween no matter how
hard I try.
I can't remember Halloween worth a damn, but I can still
remember every line from the "Peanuts" and "Garfield"
Halloween specials. Candy! Candy! Candy! Candy!
Of course, Halloween is just a plot, conceived by big
corporations, to keep power in the hands of conservative,
"family values," candidates. Don't you find it odd that
Halloween always comes right before election season, so that
people are so busy eating week old Baby Ruth's and leftover
candy corn that they feel full, or content with the way
things are i.e. less likely to vote for the right candidate.
736
There's something fishy here I tells ya, and I'm willing to
bet that Mounds is at the bottom of it.
Mounds. Just saying the name makes me shudder with
disapproval. What kind of candy is just coconut covered in
chocolate? That's not candy, that's the bland taste of
communism; a world where there are no nuts for anyone.
Mounds would like to see that, all the other candy bars
brought down to its level. I can picture it now, a
swaggering red wrapper flaunting itself over a defeated
Snicker's Bar: "Where's your caramel and peanuts now, pretty
boy? "
It's not just Mounds that's ruining it for everyone; it's
all those little candies that nobody likes to eat: candy
corn, those strawberry flavored candies that come in
strawberry colored wrappers and live off the change at the
bottom of old ladies' purses, candy necklaces, sugar
daddies, and wax lips. They've all ganged up and they're
coming for your candy. With Mounds in the lead, they want to
make sure that none of the candy is delicious anymore,
because they hate your freedom, your freedom to choose a
candy bar that you love. The freedom to savor the delicious
nougat of a Three Musketeers, or the chocolate, peanut-
buttery, goodness of a Payday; the very core values of
Halloween are at stake here. If the Moundsorists have their
way, pretty soon, they'll start coming after those candies
737
you only like a little bit, like 0! Henry's, Hershey's
Special Dark, and black licorice jellybeans. You may have
been silent when they came for your skittles, and your M&Ms,
but will you stay silent when they come for your Lemon-heads
and your Krackel? The time to act is now, before it's too
late .
Evidence shows that candy is the leading indicator of a
free country, and our country cannot be free unless we
eliminate the scourge of liberal, communist, tree hugging,
hippy loving, moon bat candy. I mean, seriously, have you
listened to what those people have to say? They're crazy.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday November 1, 2 06
738
I GOT A WOMAN, WAV OVER TOWN, SHE'S GOOD TO M£
First off, I want to express the deep regret and sorrow
that I feel for the disparaging comments I made yesterday. I
am a man, and as such I often make mistakes and stick my
foot in my mouth. Unfortunately, at birth, I was fitted with
an experimental device, designed to improve infant
flexibility (my parents always dreamed of my being a circus
freak) that placed a magnet in my fight foot and the back of
my throat. I'm accepting full responsibility for my action,
but please remember that this is a medical affliction and I
too am a victim.
I suppose I should not have said the things I said, but
sadly, I was under the influence of alcohol at the time I
said them. Alcohol has been a thorn in my side all my life,
and I've tried to battle the evil effects of alcohol
addiction, but I have a disease. I have to drink. I've
spoken with many (Christian) scientists about this, and they
all agree that I am powerless to do anything, unless I
accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. Until then, I
will probably continue to succumb to the temptations of the
bottle, and repeat the mistakes I made yesterday.
I would also like to take this time to say that I was
abused as a child, people were constantly saying off color
things around me, and I just assumed it was normal, since
that was what I grew up with. They were also constantly
739
ending sentences with prepositions, and this has been a
problem for me since I was growing up. One time... when I was
just a little boy... I was taken to a dark room by my uncle...
where he read... crude (sob) jokes (sob sob) to me, until I
wasn't able to take it. I thought I was stronger than that;
that I could live my life without ever mentioning this
terrible abuse, but now I realize that I need help.
It is a shame that I live in a culture that rewards such
foul behavior, because, without that society, I might have
led a productive life as a politician or a political
consultant, instead of a teacher and a writer.
I accept full responsibility for the things I said and I
apologize to the Mounds candy bar. I had no idea what a
pillar of the community the Mounds candy bar has been; all
the charity work and donations to third world countries. I
have even received reports that Mounds candy bars may have
the possibility to cure cancer.
But the Mounds candy bar is not entirely blameless in the
matter; the Mounds candy bar has allowed the liberal
Democratic Party to hide behind its coconut goodness and
dark chocolate shell. It's time that the Democrats faced the
music and stood up for themselves instead of trying to
deflect the issue onto harmless candy bars that everyone
loves. The Mounds candy bar has to stand up for itself and
740
if it does not then it deserves the attacks made against it,
just as surely as the cowards who would cut and run in the
war on deliciousness .
The time for empty rhetoric is over; there is a war going
on, and if we're not above those ivory tower eggheads then
we're just as bad as they are. We can't let up on those who
would attack the symbol of liberty exhibited by the Mounds
candy bar, we've got to stay the course; for those who would
cut and run, you're cowards and you don't deserve the
delicious coconut center of freedom.
I love Mounds candy bars, how can you not. They're very
simple, plain candy bars of the people; not like those
fancy, ivy- league Snicker's bars. As I've said before, when
I was a kid, I was very unassuming and so I often got what
other people were willing to throw away. I love black
jellybeans, good ' n 'plentys, and Moxie cola. Sure, the big
name stuff is nice every once in a while, but it's cheap
hollow, like dating a girl with breast implants. Sure, the
hardware is the same, but it just feels empty.
I rarely read contemporary books, preferring instead to
focus on the classics. It just feels like past writers were
able to cram more substance in their work than the people
who are writing today (myself included) . The best thing
about being writing a classic book is that everyone buys it,
741
everyone says how great it is, but nobody reads it. That
would be the ultimate dream, to be a word renowned writer,
whom no one has ever read.
I do have a sincere apology to the people who read this
blog; I'm sorry for spending so much time on political
drivel, but the elections are coming up and if I can
convince just one person that the whole thing is a sham,
then I'll feel good about not having made a difference.
Tonight, I would like everyone to masturbate in the name
of liberty and invite others taste the fruits of your
freedom. A little bit of liberty never hurt anybody, and if
you eat some acidic fruits, like plums, blueberries, and
cranberries, it will even taste a little sweeter.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday November 1, 2 06
742
YOUR. DENIAL IS BENEATH YOU, AND THANKS TO THE USE OF
HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS, I SEE THROUGH YOU
Election seasons always make me feel dispirited about
politics and its ability to change the world.
It surprises me that so many American heroes have been
politicians (particularly presidents) when it seems that
politicians are about as useful as a bag full of hedgehogs.
The best I can figure is that presidents, and other
political figures, act as security blankets for an American
public too busy sucking its collective thumb to think
rationally on their way to the polls.
In America, during the last presidential election, an
overwhelming majority supported the current president in his
bid for reelection (because boys kissing is icky)... well, not
entirely. You see, only 55% of the eligible voters voted in
the presidential election and of those 55% only 51%
supported the president; so, at best, half of one half of
the voting population supported the president in his bid for
reelection (because boys kissing is icky) . Bush got very
excited for his narrow victory and declared that it was a
mandate from the people, going on to accomplish... not much,
as far as I can tell. Sure there was the push to save
marriage, but divorce rates went up again; there was the
push to save social security, but that was a miserable
743
failure; and there was the push to keep the country safe,
but that was a miserable success.
The number of freedoms given up by Americans has not made
the country any safe (by the presidents own admission that
we are not yet safe) and the war on terror is going about as
well as the war on drugs and war on poverty and war on... on
what else is there to declare war?
In times of emergency, politicians like to make
proclamations and claim that they are in control of the
situation; it is true that in public many people agree with
them, but in the dark, when they're alone, every person
listens to a different voice, one that says that nothing is
under control, it never has been and never will be; we group
together as a society to keep that voice away; we think: "In
numbers, there is nothing bad that can happen to us."
Us. Each and every one of us, with out memories of
childhood and the jokes we share with one or two people who
know us really well; can it be that we will die, that we
will cease to exist? It's impossible, many of us say, "I
can't die now, I've got tickets to a play next week, and I'm
going on a vacation next month with my family." Then along
comes something sudden and just like that, you cease to
exist .
744
Man proposes, God disposes.
That's one of my favorite quotes on the subject. I don't
believe in God per se, but I like to think of God as
everything that we human beings can't control. You'd think
that human beings, as the temporal animals we are, would do
a little better job of taking care of shit right now, but we
love to leave things for the future . I know I have to return
my library books today, but I really want to see the end of
this, and by then I'll be late to work, and... I'll just bring
them back tomorrow.
Now, as a concept, has gotten a bad rap over the years.
Nobody likes to throw up what they're doing and do something
right now. Even I, as I am about to defend doing things
right now, don't like to break my train of thought and start
up a new project.
There's nothing you're doing right now, that couldn't be
put off for another time, if something better comes up, and
that's part of the problem. You can use the same logic to
refute whatever it is you want to do right now. I'm sorry, I
can't go see a movie with you; I've got work to do. The
logic being that you can do both things later, but one is
more important that the other. Work is more important.
745
I do my best to never bring work home, and if I ever have
a job that requires me to do extra work after I leave, you
can be sure that I will do everything in my power to get out
of that job. There are a million things in the universe more
important than whatever work you're doing, and if it costs
you your job to realize that, then so be it. The thing about
jobs is that you can always find another one; the thing
about life is that this is the only one you get.
Earlier, I was talking with my wife about a charity group
that's trying to make changes in Africa, and I applaud the
ideal of this group; to make changes in a desolate place is
a wonderful thing, but desolate is hardly the word to
describe any place where there is life. People are suffering
wherever you go, and you would be hard pressed to tell a man
who just missed his train in suburbia that he is suffering
any less than a starving child who just saw the last bit of
edible food snatched away from him. The two beings are
probably not even aware of each other. The man and the child
are disconsolate because they have to wait, and nothing
anyone can say to them will alleviate their suffering;
indeed, if their situations were reversed, they would still
feel just as upset.
The ability to change is present only in the hands of the
person initiating change. All over the world, people stand
up and call for change, assuming that (when fate or time or
746
luck) when they find a cause that is successful, they are
responsible for decisions of thousands, or millions, of
human beings who stood up and decided to change their world.
The United States has marched into Iraq and made
proclamations against pillaging and armed resistance,
proclamations that in different times, worked wonders on the
population, but now fall on deaf ears. Surely, should the
tide change, politicians would stand up claiming credit for
the defeat of resistance forces and the liberation of Iraq,
but they would, in no way, be responsible for the peace just
as they are not responsible for the current violence. The
people of Iraq will give up fighting when they are ready or
have been obliterated from the face of the planet, and
nothing the American military or politicians can do will
change their resistance.
Currently, people in America are becoming more hardened
and embittered towards each other over facile beliefs or
political affiliations, with each side clamoring for the
other side to recognize the inherent goodness and value of
their words, but words, like faeries and elves and God and
other make believe characters, only have as much power as
the person who hears them allows.
I can't promise either side that they will win, but I can
promise than in one hundred years, all of your cares and
747
worries, your causes, your friends and family; they'll all
be forgotten; and if you manage to survive the ravages of
time, your words will be twisted out of proportion with what
you intended and people will commit atrocities in your name
or uselessly dissect your poetry in college English classes.
I wanted to write something funnier today, but I'm all
out of laughs. Sorry about that, I forgot to take my enema
last night.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday November 3, 2 06
748
6ILIV, DON'T B£ A HERO, DON'T B£ A FOOL WITH YOUR. UFt
Someone left a comment on this blog saying: "What if that
moron had been elected president?" (referring to John Kerry)
which I found particularly hilarious, because of the
indicative that. It was very astute of you to mention which
particular idiot, because you wouldn't have wanted to
confuse him with the other idiot that was elected president.
My favorite thing about the whole fiasco is that
Republicans are mad because John Kerry made an ad hominem
attack against the military, but the Republicans ad hominem
attacks go by unnoticed every day (keep that in mind you
filthy, god-hating liberals) .
Soldiers do no need to be protected like children,
they're hired killers. A government trains people to kill
other human beings, which is all well and good when you're
talking about defending your homeland, but when you send
them halfway around the world to kill brown people, then
soldiers are not performing a "noble" act, nor are they
"serving" their country; they're halfway around the world
killing brown people.
You see, President Bush and his cronies have made much of
the lack of terrorist attacks in the last few years, and
they attribute that success to their international policies
and the war in Iraq; however, the reason why we haven't had
749
any terrorist attacks is actually a magic rock that I found
in my backyard. I had that magic rock in America until
September 10, 2 01 and the very next day there was a
terrorist attack. I returned with the rock a few days later,
and voila, no more terrorist attacks. You may doubt me, and
the powers of my magic rock; you may even ask me for proof
that my rock works, but that's only because you want the
terrorists to win and you hate freedom.
I was actually starting to look up to Kerry after what he
said, because soldiers are stupid. Before you get upset
about that, let me clarify. I'll be very liberal in my
estimate and say that soldiers are made up of a fair cross
section of society, well, a large portion of society is of
average intelligent, certainly less than what anyone would
call smart. Even being VERY liberal and saying 15% of people
worldwide are "smart" that still means 85% of the people in
the world are of average or below average intelligence. This
time, I'll work in the other way and conservatively say that
only 5% of the people in the world are stupid. Either way,
you're left with a population that is 5% stupid, 15% smart,
and 80% average. Well, the military has 1.4 million active
duty troops, 144,000 of which are stationed in Iraq, or ten
percent of the military. Assuming that the military is a
fair cross section of society, it is possible to say that:
a) Half of the troops in Iraq are stupid, b) None of the
troops in Iraq are smart, or c) Two-thirds of the military's
750
intelligence is currently in Iraq. All of these statements
are approximations, but when you take into account that
America currently ranks 55th worldwide in adult literacy and
the number of American adults who graduate high school or
college is lower than most developed nations, you can say
that the troops stationed in Iraq are at least dumber
(comparatively) than similar forces from other countries.
All that is getting away from the issue at hand, why is
the military beyond reproach? In classrooms all over
America, similar low paying, high-risk job are used to
threaten children who don't study. You better do your math
homework, or at least learn how to say: "Do you want fries
with that?" Many parents, without sufficient educations,
work hard, grueling jobs so they can send their children to
college. Why? So that the children don't have to kill
themselves working in coal mines, or deep sea fishing ships,
or woodsmen. The implication being that, if you don't study
hard, you'll have to do manual labor. Starting salary in the
armed forces is somewhere in the mid- twenties, while the
average starting salary for college graduates is in the mid
thirties to forties. By definition, a college graduate is
more educated (not necessarily smart, but for the sake of
argument lets just say better trained) and less likely to
join the military.
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Now to the point of honor, because let's say that people
are going through college, getting degrees and joining the
military from a sense of honor to defend the motherland.
Well, the people in Iraq are fighting against the American
military to defend the motherland for their honor. If both
sides are fighting to preserve their honor and defend the
motherland, then which side is actually on the side of
honor, and which side is chock full of murderous aggressors.
We'll let the history books decide that one.
Let me close by saying this: I've met a lot of military
recruiters in my time, and I very rarely hear them saying
anything about honor, patriotism, courage, or freedom;
however, I often hear them talking about benefits, salary,
career, and advancement. The military is a profession (one
of the oldest besides prostitution, and very similar in
requirements and protocol) , by the same logic that gives the
military honor, someone working at a Starbucks, serving
coffee, is entitled to the same sense of honor as a soldier.
Only, if an employee from Starbucks were to shoot up a house
full of women, children, and unarmed civilians, I'd call
that person what they rightfully are... a murderer.
So maybe John Kerry is an idiot, chances are good that
most of the troops in Iraq are not stupid, but chances are
equally good that they're a far cry from smart.
752
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday November 3, 2 06
753
WHEN I mi YOU THAT I lOI/£ VOU, DON'T TEST MY 10\IZ
Category: News and Politics
The United States fights wars to free oppressed people
from tyranny around the world. The US does not fight wars of
aggression or territorial conquest. The US rescues cats from
trees and hugs orphans. The US has twice stopped Dr
Satanicus from realizing his dreams of world conquest. The
US does not fight wars for territorial conquest.
But
Since the Southern states seceded from the Union, the
civil war was technically a war for territorial conquest.
The US plans on keeping permanent military bases in Iraq,
that's a little bit of territory there. There are US bases
in Korea from the war fought over here. US bases in the
Philippines still left over from the Spanish American war.
Hawaii is a former US military base as is all the land west
of the Mississippi river. The US still has military bases in
Germany, Japan, and Italy. The US has a military base in
Cuba, also a holdover from the Spanish American war.
Let's take a look at the oppressed people the US has sent
troops to "free" in reverse chronological order.
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Iraq - the people of Iraq are now free to die from US,
terrorist, or militia hostilities. More people have died in
Iraq per day since the US invasion than under any year when
Saddam Hussein was in power. Not to justify the regime of
Saddam Hussein (cough, former ally, cough cough, sold him
weapons) , but I suppose the people of Iraq are now free, if
you consider martial law free. They're free to go sleep
earlier because there are no lights in a lot of country;
they're free to drink coca-cola. It doesn't seem like
they're free to tell the United States to go the fuck home.
Afghanistan - another extremist regime that received US
financial and military support in the "fight against
communism." I will say that Afghanistan is more free than
the US, because the last time I tried to grow pot in my
house I had a fucking pig at my door trying to haul me off
to jail; however, in Afghanistan, I hear it's much easier to
grow poppies than it used to be. When you have access to
that much opium, it doesn't matter how free you are, or if
you've eaten in a few days, or if your clothes are on fire.
Liberia and the Philippines - This guy, who was a career
soldier in the Philippines, used to work for me. He would
tell me stories about hunting Muslim extremists in the 70s
and 80s and how he once killed a man with his bare hands.
One of the many honors of being a soldier I guess. The US
sent forces to Liberia to oust a President who had been in
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the United States and rose to power directly in retaliation
to friend dictator set up by the US (once again, in our
fight against communism) . The Philippino rebels have been
fighting against the government since the Spanish were in
power, but they really upped the ante when (I'm getting
tired of typing this) a US friendly dictator started abusing
all kinds of rights within the country.
Kosovo and the former Yugoslavia - We dropped bombs from
planes. Nobody died except for the people getting bombed. We
even got the Luftwaffe in on the act, woo hoo, those boys
had been dormant since they destroyed London.
Somalia - The US tried to capture a warlord and ended up
having their asses handed to them.
Gulf War (beta) - 79 US soldiers, using up to date death
technology, died while over 100,000 Iraqi soldiers, using
Soviet tanks from the 80s and weakened by a decade of war
with Iran, died. If the imbalance between the casualties
doesn't tell you something perhaps your rose colored glasses
have been glued to your face .
It was a massacre. Sure, Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait,
but he also acted as a buffer for Saudi Arabia and Kuwait,
all while Kuwait was slant-drilling oil out of Iraq. When
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the Saudis said to Bush Sr., lick my asshole, Bush Sr. said:
"Read my lips, how deep do you want this tongue?"
Panama - more killing of brown people. Another friendly
dictator who rose to power with US blessing during our
"fight against communism." Both countries signed a treaty
promising to give back the Panama canal to Panama, but the
US said, "Fuck you, white man no honor treaty with brown
skins." The fighting in Panama lasted just about two weeks.
Beirut and Grenada - the US went into Lebanon to keep the
peace between Israel (who had invaded Lebanon) and
Palestinians (all while supplying military hardware and
nuclear technology to Israel, hooray) walked into Lebanon,
got its ass handed to them. The US pulled out its forces,
bombed Lebanon from the sea and then went home. Causing
future Republicans to forget what emboldening terrorists
means until Bill Clinton became president. All the while
Ronald Reagan was busy selling military technology to Iran
and financing the "freedom fighters" who would later become
terrorists when the whole thing blew up Reagan's face.
Tehran - After the overthrow of a friendly dictator set
up by the US (to fight those bastard Reds) , a number of
American hostages were holed up with terrorists (only
freedom fighters if they're fighting for our side) . The US
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tried to rescue them, but accidentally crashed a helicopter
and shot itself in the foot while trying to use the toilet.
Vietnam - "If we don't stand up in Vietnam, then all of
Southeast Asia will go communist... followed closely by the
world." Friendly dictator, overthrown, communism, ' nough
said.
Dominican Republic - The army went into a dangerous
situation and extracted civilians who were in harms way,
gave them food and clothing. Now that's honorable.
Bay of Pigs - "Yeah, go ahead, we got your back"
(snicker, snicker)
Korean War - Still happening to this day. South Korea
currently free to drink all the diet coke they can handle.
World War 2 - after sitting on the sidelines for most of
the fighting and making small gains in the Pacific. The US
and its allies wait until Russia has beaten Germany so badly
that the sausage eaters can barely defend themselves, and
then march in and declare victory for Democracy. Sure, Japan
bombed Pearl Harbor, but under the Japanese version of the
Monroe doctrine, they had every right to do so; just as the
US would have done if Japan set up a base in say. . . Baja
Mexico. Rather than fighting the rest of the war in the
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Pacific, President Truman says, "Nuke those fucking zipper
heads" and fifty years later there are still silhouettes of
burned objects and Godzilla sequels a plenty.
With the exception of Germany and Kosovo (but Eastern
Europeans don't count) the United States has made it their
business to kill more brown people than AIDS and Smallpox
(as if we were jealous of the power those diseases have) .
The US has not faced off against an actual army since WW2
and I have already discussed how that turned out.
Honorable is mostly defined by how often a person sticks
by their word. In the ancient world, in pre-literate
societies, it was very important for people to practice what
they preached because there was no paper copy you could go
back to, to prove it if the time came. That's why we have
concepts like "the word of god" or Odin's staff (covered in
promises and treaties) ; in fact, if you read the Norse
sagas, you can see what happened to Odin when he didn't keep
his word. The US has consistently sold arms to brown people
to help them kill other brown people, but when the
atrocities committed with those actions becomes too much for
the brown people and they overthrow the dictators set up by
the US, we march in with a huge army and do our best to rape
the shit out of them. The funny thing is that the US somehow
convinces its citizenry that the people we're bombing,
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killing and raping somehow deserve the treatment they get
because... communism, terrorism, whatever.
More than once, the US turned down a UN resolution
banning terrorism because it included a caveat saying that
people who fought against unjust governments were not
considered terrorists. What that means is that if the UN was
in power in 1776, the US "patriots" (read: rich, white men
who didn't like paying taxes) who fought against the
British, were terrorists. There were two other nations that
didn't sign the resolution; I think it was Russia and Iran
or something like that (I can't remember anymore) .
The last time American soldiers fought to protect
Americans, was in the civil war, and you know who was trying
to kill them... other Americans. To this day, there has only
been one bomb dropped on America, and it was a mafia hit in
the 1930 in the Midwest somewhere. The US soldiers that get
killed overseas are invading other sovereign territories.
Think of it this way, if, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
The UK and France decided that the US wasn't treating its
citizens well enough and dispatched a military force to take
the city of New Orleans, do you think anyone in the US would
say that those military forces were there to liberate
oppressed people?
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There's only one reason soldiers fight, to avoid being
killed themselves. Sure, there are soldiers who fight for
honor and dignity and to serve their country; those are the
guys that you see in the first reel, before the credits
finish rolling, showing the lead actor pictures of the wives
and children to which they're going home who invariably end
up dead before the end of the second reel. You'll notice
that I equated all those terms to a movie because that's
where honor, dignity, and patriotism exist in your fucking
imagination.
In war, there is one group of scared, young kids hoping
that they stay alive long enough so they can go home versus
another group of scared kids hoping the same thing. The
people who hide behind the men at the guns talk of honor and
dignity and patriotism. . . and run like scared rabbits when
they hear the sound of gunfire.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday November 3, 2 06
761
I BOUGHT A '30 FORD WAGON AND W£ CALL IT A WOODIE
Category: Life
It starts to eat at your soul after while, that feeling
that somewhere out there, someone is intentionally trying to
ruin your life.
Sure, at first it might seem like a coincidence. The
toaster jams and your toast crumbles when you try to take it
out. You try, for what seems like hours, and your penis just
won't get hard. The traffic lights all turn red just as you
approach, and you get pulled over for speeding just a block
away from work.
It's no accident, and you're not being paranoid. There's
someone out there who wants to see you suffer.
Someone who sits in the dark, watching the events of your
life unfold with the grim satisfaction of a true sadist as
all your best laid schemes gang a gley. They watch you, and
your coworkers, traverse through the cubicle maze of an
office as you bump into each other and spill coffee on your
clothes... the day of your big presentation or annual
performance review. They give your relatives diseases on the
days when you have tickets for an important event. They set
your Tivo (or VCR for you dinosaurs) to tape the Christopher
Lowell show instead of "Monster Truck Demolition Mayhem: The
762
Return of Truckasaurus" or "Monday Night Raw Wrestling."
Make no mistake about it; they're out to get you.
They don't like you because you're free. They live in a
world where their every desire is ridiculed or outlawed and
they want to make sure that if they're miserable, then you
are, too; and if they can't make you miserable, then they
might just have to kill you in the worst possible place.
That ' s why your children will one day find your bloated
corpse, covered in your final bowel movement on the bathroom
floor, with one hand around your dick and a well-worn copy
of Tiger Beat (with the pages stuck together) in the other.
They don't like you and they wish you were dead.
They are enemies of the devil, sent here to tempt you
away from the one true faith of the lord and savior Jesus
Christ, who died for our signs (hallelujah, hosanna) . They
can't stand that fact that you're going to heaven, while
they're miserable heathen sinners who will be destroyed in
the final days, when Jesus comes back to Earth to judge the
living and the dead. They want to see your children brought
up in a godless world so they'll spurn your values when
they're older and lock you away in an old folks home like
you did to your parents.
They are out to get you.
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You know who's responsible for all the bad things in your
life. The Blacks... no wait... the Jews... no wait, the Irish... I
mean the Italians... I mean Arabs... I mean terrorists... I mean
homosexuals. Yeah, that's one we can all agree on, the
homosexuals. They're out there with their gay agenda and all
they want is to see is your son or daughter take a big stiff
cock in their ass... Well, not your daughters, because that
would be straight, so I guess they want your daughters to
take a big, stiff tongue in their ass, but that's not really
painful (and it feels nice when your wife's tongue gets a
little close to that area... push those thoughts away, you
sissy faggot) , so I guess the agenda is to... Oh yeah, burn in
hell.
Those damn gays and their gay agenda. They've been
pushing it for time out of mind. Remember that priest who
wanted to push his gay agenda on you. You were too young to
know that it was wrong, just that it tasted salty and he
bought you ice cream after. Or Uncle Billy... poor Uncle
Billy.
The important thing to remember is that it ' s not your
fault. It's not your fault that you wife doesn't find you
attractive and your children resent your lifestyle and don't
want to spend time with you. It's not your fault that none
of your kids can read past a third grade level (you never
learned to read past the 3 rd grade and it ain't hurt you
764
none) . It's not your fault that you lost your job screwing
bottle caps on perfume bottle to a factory in Guatemala
because the Union was going to get the company to drop the
charges that you were drinking on the job and let you go
back to work if those fags hadn't made them want to move the
company out of the country. It's not your fault at all. It's
the homosexual ' s fault .
Make no mistake about it, there's somebody out there
trying to get you, and there's only one solution. You have
to kill yourself and your family to keep yourself safe from
the homosexual threat. Gays were sent here by the devil to
temp you, and there's no way they are ever going to let up,
so you've got to keep your family safe while you can. Sure,
they may cry a little bit, but don't let that stop you.
You're doing the lord's work, just like when he rained fire
on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Just whisper to them
and tell them that it's for their own good; then stab them
through the heart and cut off their heads (you have to be
sure) . When you're finished, stab yourself and be done with
it. God will understand and forgive you.
Of course, you could take a moment and look around you.
You could stop thinking for a minute and observe the world,
as living creature exercise their own thoughts and opinions
independently from your own; understanding that everything
that happens on this earth will be forgotten when all the
765
people you knew are dead. The stories they pass down about
you, if any, will lose all meaning and what was once sacred
to you will be a joke to someone else and what was a joke to
you will become sacred to someone else. heavenly father,
we offer up this solemn prayer in the hopes that we may be
saved. Why did the chicken cross the road... You could look at
all these things and realize that happiness is a state of
mind, and there is nothing to stop you from feeling happy
when someone dies or sad when you win the lottery, but that
you are predetermined to act that way because that ' s the way
you've seen other people act in the same circumstances.
You could look around at all these things and understand
that the people around you are sentient being who want to
live their lives to their own desires and that may not
always include you. You are powerless to stop people from
slipping away, but instead of blaming their shortcomings on
others, you could appreciate them while you still can. The
amazing thing is that once you start to do this, people
stick around a lot longer than they did in the past and you
don't feel so angry anymore. There might still be someone
out there trying to get you, but it doesn't bother you.
It's the kind of thing that can heal your soul.
Sex Mahoney for President
766
Friday November 3, 2 06
767
DON'T MAKE A FUSS JUST GET ON THE BUS AND B£ A CREW SLUT
Category: Life
I wanted to write about Jessica Alba today. Very few
celebrities make me as mad as Jessica Alba.
I have a big problem with actors and actresses who don't
take off their clothes. When you decide on a career path
like actor or model, you are objectifying yourself. Unlike
many people, I see no problem with this, but as an object,
you must prepare to utilize every aspect of your object
self. When celebrities and their ilk refuse to take off
their clothes for personal reasons, it assumes too much
pride and respect of which said celebrities feel they are
worthy.
I don't know if you've ever watched a movie with Jessica
Alba, or Brittany Spears, or Mandy Moore, or Jessica
Simpson, but the acting talent between the four of them has
about as much depth as a thimble full of cow shit. There are
many ways to attain respectability, and, for some people,
keeping your clothes on might do just that, but, for the
aforementioned dancing monkeys, there aren't enough starving
orphans in the world to lend them any kind of credibility.
The same could be said of myself, if I became famous, I may
aspire to grand delusions of respectability, but I know
exactly why I get people to read my writing, and if I ever
768
tried to expand beyond the dick and fart jokes, my meager
audience (my mother and a homeless guy who masturbates in
your local library) would dwindle like gallon of chocolate
ice cream during a "Sex in the City" marathon.
Those "Sex in the City" girls are perfect examples of
celebrities who know what's good for them; they were on a
"sexy" show and they all took off their clothes, except for
Sarah Jessica Parker and thus, I have more respect for the
other three ladies who shared that spotlight.
I wanted to write about all these things, but I found out
about something yesterday that made me change my mind.
As a rebellion against her parents, Jessica Alba became a
born again Christian, just like Ned Flanders (lousy
beatniks) . I can easily imagine the thought process going
through her mind (we all went through a little of that,
didn't we?) because when you're a teenager you'd eat ten
pounds of cabbage if enough people told you that it was
wrong (and that you'd get high) . There comes a point in a
person's life when they start pushing against the
boundaries, even to the point of idiocy, just because they
get tired of listening to rules.
Take drugs for example. When I was in high school, I was
super anti-drug. I bought into all the DARE crap and "Just
769
say No" until I was blue in the face. I even went as far as
to criticize one of my best friends for using (insert
appropriate dramatic sound) marijuana... aka the Devil's weed.
Now I can't get enough of smoking marijuana and I look down
on people who don't smoke; actually, that's not true, I
don't look down on anyone, if I can help it, but I think
people who aren't willing to try it a few times are a little
daft.
What changed my mind?
I was riding in a car with my father, one night, and
suddenly it struck me that with my particular views on
things. I was more like Douglas Neidermeyer from "Animal
House" than Bluto Blutarsky. The more I looked back over my
various heroes from various stories, I realized that I was
more like the antagonists, and it broke my little heart.
Nobody wants to think they're the bad guy.
Despite my draconian views on things like the death
penalty, drugs, alcohol, and the price of beans in Antigua,
I wanted to believe that I was one of the good guys. I was
as wrong as can be. When you judge another human being, you
cut yourself from the greatest thing we humans have at our
disposal: forgiveness. Not the kind of forgiveness that
religion preaches (We'll forgive you, just follow these
770
rules) , but forgiveness that encompasses all aspects of
life. The kind of forgiveness that lets one man, home early
from work to pick up a book he forgot on the nightstand,
look into the eyes of his significant other, moments before
their face is plastered with someone else's semen without
feeling any anger. We all make mistakes, and we all need
forgiveness .
I have found, in my life, that I'm not often angry with
people, so much as disappointed in them. Which means that I
made a conscious decision to expect something from a person
and I'm let down when that person fails to deliver on my
expectations... my expectations. The whole thing reeks of
possessiveness and ownership of which human beings are
incapable. I can torture the hell out of someone for the
rest of their natural life, but I'll never be able to make
them my possession. The expectations I have for other people
are just extensions of my own desire to mold people in my
image, and there's something deeply wrong with that.
Diversity, even in the face of danger, is a lot better than
homogeneity.
I read somewhere that "High Noon" is one of President
Bush's favorite movies; the lone man who stands up to apathy
and indifference and fights off the bad guys all by himself.
Strange though, that "High Noon" was written as an allegory
about the evils of McCarthyism, the very type of witch
771
hunting at which Bush and his cronies excel. Nobody wants to
believe they're the bad guy.
So I get real pissed off when I see Jessica Alba in
another movie where she doesn't take off her clothes.
Doesn't she know that she's just a cheap whore, there for my
amusement, to satisfy my every whim, no matter how
ridiculous or degrading? I mean come on, if I'm going to sit
through two hours of the Fantastic Four, the least you could
do is let Michael Chiklis stick one of his orange "Thing"
fingers in your ass.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday November 6, 2 06
772
this one WAS GONNA be ours
Category: News and Politics
It's Election Day, and I'm not voting. I looked into
filing an absentee ballot, but it's not really worth it to
vote in the election.
Some people say that when you don't vote, you have
nothing to complain about because you're part of the
problem, not the solution. I say that a lot of people are
completely full of shit, and the best way to prove this is
to smear a heavy, oil -based lubricant on your hands and open
up their asshole like it was a turkey. You'll find nothing
but shit. Most people spend a large amount of time sitting
on their ass, congress people, office workers, even the
folks in factories have comfortable chairs to sit in as they
watch can after can of Budweiser float by. I would even go
so far to say that the ass is the most important part of the
human body, since it seems that it gets the most use. The
most important part of the human body and it's full of shit.
Right now, every cell in your body is excreting waste that
will be absorbed by various entities in your body and
transported to the ass for expulsion. The cells in your body
are constantly dying off and being replaced by new cells, so
right now, each and every one of you is not only full of
shit, but you are, indeed, a giant, walking pile of shit.
Enjoy your breakfast.
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I make no qualms about my problems with politicians,
because it's true, power corrupts. People think that it
takes absolute power to corrupt, but that's only if you want
to corrupt someone absolutely. I can't tell what kind of
fucked up things I would do if I had absolute power. I'd
probably spend the rest of eternity smoking marijuana and
having sex with your mother (while I force you to watch) ,
that's how much absolute power corrupts; however, power
corrupts in small doses as well.
You have the power, right now, to get up from your chair
and turn off the lights, but you don't, because it's much
more pleasant to type, and read, with them on, but you're
wasting electricity (not much, but you're still wasting it).
All right, fine, that was a shitty example, but what can
you expect from a giant, typing pile of shit?
You have the power to apologize and draw attention to the
things you break and spill, to keep yourself in shape, to
live an honest and decent life, but you wallow in the mire
of this existence like everyone else, consigned to stuffing
deep fried sausage wrapped in chocolate pancakes down your
increasingly large gullet while watching the new season of
(insert your favorite TV show) . Power corrupts, and all it
takes is a little bit.
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Say you're working in an office and it's Friday night;
you're about to take off for the weekend, when all of the
sudden you spill the last dregs of your coffee in the break
room. You have the power to clean it up, but it's already 6
(7,8,9) o'clock and besides, they have someone to come in on
the weekend to clean the place. Or, you're a politician, and
someone brings a very large bill to you on Friday night,
when you're just about to take off for the weekend. (I know...
the second scenario is unlikely... politicians rarely work on
Friday's and they never work at night) .
When you go to the voting booth, you are just as guilty
of abusing your power as all the above examples, because
you're playing into someone else's game instead of doing
something for yourself. One of the most depressing things
about coming of age, and gaining the ability to vote, was
the miserable choices on the ballot.
In a way, I like the lack of political choices, it
reminds me of being a kid, when there weren't ten thousand
different flavors of gum (you can have the pink or the mint)
or mustard (you want yellow or spicy) , but the modern world
is all about choices. There are ten thousand different kinds
of salad dressing for the people in America, and we're
supposed to all get together and elect one person that
775
represents all of us? The system is corrupt and it needs to
be fixed.
Am I the best person to fix it? No. I'm a terrible
candidate for public office because my past is checkered
like polka band and I'm crazier than a shithouse rat. The
only reason I want to be president is so I can destroy the
government and let anarchy reign through the land (plus,
once you're president, they pretty much have to publish
anything you write) .
The worst part about elections is that so few people take
part in elections. My grandfather tells a story about great-
grandmother and the police coming to pick her up and take
her to a polling place because she was registered but hadn't
yet voted. The polls open too late and close too early for
most normal folks, because there are kids to handle, jobs to
perform, and a life to live. If the US government is willing
to spend a billion dollars a week to bomb the shit out of a
poor country like Iraq, don't you think they could spend
half that amount to keep the polls open a few hours? I'd
like to see everyone getting in on the vote, but I don't
think that would solve the problem. 300,000,000 people in
this country and only two of them are suited for a
particular job? I could see that being the case in small
districts, but in Manhattan alone there are 8 million
people .
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We need a more drastic change.
The best way to express your distaste is not to line up
and pitch your pickle into the Grand Canyon, but to enact
real change. I'm talking about armed rebellion.
Not arms like guns, those are for individual protection.
You can't have a bunch of people running around with guns,
that causes real chaos and the wrong people always get shot .
I'm talking about an armed rebellion... get it, like arms,
man.
On Election Day, I say we put down our useless jobs (and
useless children) and start walking toward Washington. When
we get there, we pile into the capital building and we take
control of it, we pass whatever laws we want and we tar and
feather every elected official in the place. Sure, they
might send the police after us; that's where the arms come
in. Non-violent coup. When a cop gets in the way, six or
seven people just hug the pig and immobilize it; a lot of us
will get the shit kicked out of us, but eventually we'll
take them down. They may even start shooting at us, but
remember, dying in the name of liberty isn't really dying,
it's like falling asleep... while bleeding out of several,
large bullet wounds.
777
Let's take back the new millennium.
Sex Mahoney for President
Wednesday November 8, 2 06
778
WELL I DRUNK A LOT OF WINE AND I'M FILING FINE, GONNA R(\C£ SOME
CAT TO BED
Category: Religion and Philosophy
While the beauty of a sunset may be accidental, the
sunset itself is certainly not, they serve a purpose and
they developed over time. What people forget when they argue
against evolution (or more often, in favor of a deity) is
that beautiful things happen by chance all the time because
beauty is subjective; so, what it beautiful to one person
may not be to another. I find it very beautiful when a woman
takes two dicks in her ass, but there are some people who
feel that kind of thing is disgusting; conversely, there are
some people who think its beautiful when a woman shits out a
baby, but I think that is disgusting... we each have our
opinions about beauty formed over time by our upbringing and
experience .
Purpose of the sunset is another story. Why does the
earth spin? Well, the earth spins on its axis because that's
how the disparate elements the came together to form the
earth were spinning when the earth formed. Inertia keeps the
earth spinning because an object in motion will remain in
motion unless acted upon by a force. The wrong assumption is
to assume that it is entirely random chance that the earth
spins and we experience that as the sun setting, one is
caused by the other.
779
When you look at a single event, like the big bang, or
the development of opposable thumbs, as a singular event,
removed from space and time, it does seem ridiculous, but
when you examine the same event in space and time, it seems
inevitable that it was bound to happen that way. That is not
to say that the course of events is inevitable, but that you
can trace the progression from one stage to the next and see
the causal relationship between the two.
For instance, let's say that I am standing in a bank and
I watched a person walk in who was carrying a gun and
wearing a ski mask. I might correctly predict that the
person is here to rob the bank, I could predict the chain of
events, but I could also be wrong. If, after robbing the
bank, the person heads for the exit just as it is bathed in
the flashing lights of police cars, I could again predict
that they will try to escape a different way, but, if the
person panicks and runs outside, I would be wrong. To the
policeman outside, it seems inevitable that the person ran
outside so they could be shot, but it runs contrary to the
survival instinct we all possess.
Indeed, we people did not go from growing thumbs to
writing symphonies overnight, there was a long period of
adaptation and learning just as there was a much longer
780
period between developing dexterous digits and opposable
thumbs .
Religion itself evolves so that what seems like
inevitable religious doctrines are actually the result of
long periods of gradual internal change. In the 12th
century, it was very common for Catholic priests to skirt
traditional church law and get married, but elements of the
church pushed in the opposite direction and the next three
hundred years saw a rise in unmarried clerical sex while
today there are priests in the church who touch little boys.
It seems like the most recent form of anti-canonical
behavior is odd, but it can be explained by looking at its
slow development over centuries. At the time, when these
changes took place, many people predicted and prognosticated
about the possible outcome, and the ones that turned out to
be wrong are generally forgotten, as is the case with
religious texts that contradicted the findings of the Nicean
Council in 325 CE .
Even the modern protestant movement is the result of
years of Catholic oppression in unwilling countries. All
things, including people and their behavior, change slowly
over time. There is nothing random in these changes, but
randomness does occasionally occur. When there is a random
change, most of the time it is quickly stamped out or dies
781
without producing any offspring, but when beneficial changes
occur, they can last for centuries.
Take Jesus, for example. At the time of Christ's alleged
birth there were hundred of Jews leading similar movements
away from the traditional church hierarchy and many of their
leaders were executed by the combined effort of Roman and
Jewish lawmakers, but most of them never caught on in the
way Christianity did. The emperor Constantine ' s conversion
to Christianity is one of those random occurrences, as
Constantine converted on the night before a battle, claiming
that Jesus gave his blessing to the army because of the
conversion, but if Constantine had lost, we might have never
heard that apocryphal story as it passed down through the
centuries .
People ' s unthinking acceptance of religious dogma works
for and against the church, since, like classic works of
art, it benefits from the unthinking praise of people who
have never studied its tenants, but it also suffers as those
people, looking to justify their current lifestyle,
subconsciously force changes on the church over decades and
centuries .
Things change, and they only appear random when we look
at the result of the changes without examining the long road
that brought us there in the first place.
782
Sex Mahoney for President
Thursday November 9, 2 06
783
NEVER URGE A DATE TO REGURGITATE
Category: News and Politics
Sometimes, you have to take extreme measures to achieve
results .
Like the other day, I was in the supermarket.
I went to the supermarket because I saw a sale
advertising pig testicles for one dollar a pound. I know
that some of you may not care about the price of pig
testicles, but, for the pig testicle connoisseurs, you know
that one dollar a pound is more than a fair price for pig
testicles, in fact, it's practically a steal.
The only problem is that I don't get out of work until 10
o'clock which means that I don't get home until 10:15 at the
earliest and 10:30 at the latest; the supermarket closes at
11. By the time I got home, dropped off my backpack, and
took some cash from my sugar bowl, I barely had time to get
to the supermarket and find the pig testicles before they
closed for the night.
When I got to the supermarket, it was obvious that my
presence was unwelcome. People were mopping the floors,
employees dismantled displays, and mostly everyone had on
their coats and hats. I rushed through the aisles, but,
784
after my first pass through the supermarket, I was unable to
find the pig testicles.
As I'm sure most of you know, when a supermarket has an
item on sale, they do their best to hide it in the store,
just like they keep the milk and eggs as far away from the
exit is possible so you have to pass everything else on your
way to purchase the necessities. Sure, I found a few things
I absolutely needed (like Khal Khalash, a twenty pack of AA
batteries, and several two liter bottles of crab juice) but
I hadn't found the pig testicles.
At last, I came upon a clerk, wandering the store and
returning items to the shelves. I tapped her on the shoulder
and asked her where I could find the pig testicles, but she
made no reply.
As I'm sure all of you know, when dealing with people who
don't speak your language, it helps to speak slower so that
the other person can understand you, and include as many
visual aids as you can incorporate. Well, shouting "pig
testicles" at the woman produced no results and when I
dropped my pants to show her what I was talking about, she
tried to run away. The poor woman, she must have thought I
was born yesterday. It was obvious that she was trying to
delay me so I would have to come back the next day and buy
pig testicles at the regular price (which makes them a
785
delicacy not at all worth the expense) . She almost got away,
but I managed to grab her.
I held onto her with all my strength (which, admittedly,
was not hard to do, because Korean women tend to be very
small) , but she still would not tell me the location of the
pig testicles; then, I proceeded to slap her for all I was
worth. She emptied the money out of her pockets and offered
me a jar of Spanish olives from the nearest shelf, but she
still wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know (and I hate
Spanish olives) .
Seeing as how I was getting nowhere, and looking for
expedient results, I placed the woman on a conveniently
placed wooden board and covered her head in plastic wrap,
restraining her appendages with duct tape from her return
basket. When she was properly restrained, I took two liter
bottles of water and started pouring them over her face. For
those of you who have never had to extract information from
someone, this is known as water something and it makes the
person feel like they are drowning. Unfortunately, I covered
her face too well and she suffocated before she told me the
location of the pig testicles. Just as she gave up the
ghost, the lights in the store went off and a security guard
asked me to leave . I tried to ask him about the corpse and
the mess the woman made when she emptied her bowels, but he
786
told me that someone would come by to take care of it and
that I should get lost.
I've heard a lot of people say that there are appropriate
situations to torture a human being; for instance, if a
terrorist has a bomb in a major urban population and police
want to know the location of the bomb, some people think
that it would be acceptable to torture the person (often
they evoke images of Jack Bauer from "24" heroically going
above and beyond to save people's lives) . Think of how
exciting and dramatic that can be.
I'm not buying it. For one thing, police and law
enforcement are lucky if they can catch a cold; another is
that the "suspected terrorists" we torture are the kind that
strap bombs to themselves to blow up, not drop off a bomb
and wait for it to go enough in some kind of dramatic way.
Although many people like to play pretend and imagine
that there is a lot of drama in real life... there isn't.
Think of all the dramatic moments in your life, most of them
were probably over by the time you appreciated the dramatic
element; usually, when dramatic situations occur in real
life, rather than excited, we feel rushed and we get
stressed out. The drama of a ticking clock, waiting for a
bomb to go off is the stuff of fiction. When real shit goes
down, it goes down fast without a lot of warning.
787
I imagine that people who favor torture imagine some kind
of cartoonish villain, evilly stroking a cat and detailing
his master plan as our hero is slowly lowered into a tank
full of piranhas. The reality is very different from the
movies .
Let me ask you this, when was the last time you went into
a library, took down a librarian's ponytail, and removed her
glasses. I did it last week, and she was still ugly.
How many sports teams start the season in the crapper and
turn it around to come from behind and win the big game? Ask
the Chicago Cubs. Sure, you might, "But the Redsox did it"
and it is true that they did, but they consistently finished
second place for four of the five years leading up to their
World Series victory, and they have yet to repeat their
success. The Redsox World Series is a wonderful example of
drama in real life, sure the AL championship was very
exciting, but the World Series itself was pretty dull.
How many of you have been wandering around a public
place, minding your own business, when a dying secret agent
entrusted you with a key, weapon, or piece of information
that could... destroy the world if it fell into the wrong
hands? Okay, so that's not entirely fair because it happened
to me last summer, but that was a rarity at best.
788
Torture is wrong, and I'm a pretty twisted individual
with a lot of strange beliefs about what is right and wrong,
but I know that torture is wrong and I have three examples
to prove my point .
1 . Mothers . Many of you out there have a Stockholm
relationship with your mother, she kept you captive for so
long that you couldn't help but fall in love with her, but
do you remember all those times she adjusted your crotch in
front of a very cute girl? Or wiped something from your
face, licking her hand to facilitate the process? Or how she
used to hold you down and tickle you until you pissed your
pants? Nobody? Maybe the last one was just me.
2 . Marriage . Those of you who are married know what
I'm talking about, those of you who don't... you'll find out.
3 . John Wayne Bobbit .
Everybody remembers John Wayne Bobbit; he's the guy whose
dick got sliced off by his wife Lorena . Lorena, like many
married women you'll find in books of dirty jokes, refused
to have sex with her husband; so, her husband, like any good
husband would, beat the shit out of her and raped her.
Lorena had something John Wayne Bobbit wanted, but she
wouldn't willingly give it, so he took it by force; it was a
wonderful situation for John, until his wife cut off his
dick and threw it out of the window of a moving car.
789
Torture may yield immediate results, but there are long
term consequences to that action, none of which are good.
The bomb in a public place is the example people often
use to justify their right to torture others, but that's the
wrong standard to apply to the situation, just like the
anti-abortionists (fuck pro-life, if you're so pro-life then
stop eating meat and vegetables and go on an all water diet)
who say that what if Einstein had been aborted, the logic is
faulty, because you can use apply it to the opposite extreme
(what if Hitler had been aborted?) . If the authorities
suspected that a person, who might be a terrorist, might
know about an attack, that might take place sometime in the
future, and might kill a lot of people, pulling out their
fingernails is not going to stop the attack anymore than
airport security makes people safe. Terrorists choose their
targets for accessibility, if you make one place
inaccessible, they'll just attack somewhere else. As someone
who doesn't travel by air, or live in a major metropolis,
I'd much rather terrorist attacks are carried out on
airplanes and in cities than in places I care about like
porn conventions and midget tossing competitions.
My thoughts on how to treat criminals once they've been
caught notwithstanding, torturing someone to extract
information is just as ridiculous as beating up a
790
supermarket clerk so you can get a good deal on pig
testicles .
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday November 10, 2 06
791
I WANT YOU Httt WITH M£, NOT WAV OVER IN A BUCKET SEAT
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I downloaded a documentary the other day; it was called
"The Secrets of "The Da Vinci Code." I never got around to
watching it, the same day I downloaded a movie called
"Inseminated by 2 Black Men" and I haven't stopped watching
it since.
Just as a matter of personal preference, I don't find
black women particularly attractive, but black men are about
as hot as they come, and there's nothing I like more than
watching a big black dude (it's even better if there are
several of them) fucking the shit out of a little white
girl .
It's not that I don't care about the apocryphal writings
of the Catholic Church, I read "The Da Vinci Code" and I
thought it was hilarious (I know a lot of linguistic experts
and none of them are uberhot like the one in the book - very
few of them are called on multiple secret missions to
uncover lost religious relics.) I'm just not interested in
the liberal revisionists that try to change the truth about
Jesus Christ - who he was and what he stood for.
Jesus was most certainly not married and he definitely
never had any children.
792
In the 90s and 80s, people got their panties in a bunch
because they didn't want to admit that Jesus was black, but
most middle easterners are dark skinned, so we can't argue
that Jesus most likely looked a lot more like Osama Bin
Laden than George Bush (okay maybe not Osama, Jews are
usually pretty short) . You can't argue that a middle
easterner by birth was white anymore than you can argue that
an Easter Islander by birth is probably a Pacific Islander.
I could see making the argument for Jesus being white if his
parents had jobs that invited a lot of travel, but Joseph
was a carpenter so he probably worked close to home. If you
believe in logic and reason, then it goes without saying
that Jesus was most likely dark skinned.
He was also gay.
Either that or a real scumbag.
I've hung out with a number of prostitutes in my time,
and one thing I've noticed about most of them is that their
close friends are usually the kind of people who are
completely sexually non- threatening . They are fag hags. It
makes sense, if you're profession puts you in close contact
with men who treat you like they own your body, then, on
your breaks, you want to be around people that aren't going
to try to stick it to you. Surprisingly, a number of
793
prostitutes do put themselves in bad relationships with real
dicks, the kind of people who can only get a hard on when
they're beating up their girlfriend, but that's a pattern of
behavior that indicates childhood abuse and an adult
inability to break away from that pattern.
Jesus hung out with twelve dudes and a hooker. If you're
the kind of person that believes in reason and logic, you
have to examine that relationship for what it ' s worth and by
what is stated in the bible. We will now read from the Book
of Reach Arounds, Chapter 10 Verse 15...
It was not uncommon for men to sleep together in the old
days, but they didn't view homosexuality the way that we
view it today. Back then, it was just something people did,
like skiing in the winter or fishing with your Grandpa. It
is likely, that even without his gang of twelve guys, Jesus
diddled or was diddled by one of his close friends, while
wandering around in the desert.
I don't mean to denigrate people's lord and savior,
except I just did.
I like the idea of Jesus as much as anybody else, but
there's a very real reason why the story resonates in the
minds of so many people. It's formulaic.
794
The next time you go to the movies, take note of all the
plot devices you've seen in other stories and try to apply
them to other movies you've seen that cover the same themes.
These formulae are time tested plot devices that authors
know will work well with an audience. That's why you can
make 99.9% of women (and some very effeminate men) cry by
showing them Debra Winger's death scene from "Terms of
Endearment." My personal favorite story formulae is the guy
at the beginning of an action movie who shows off pictures
of his new baby and/or pregnant wife/girlfriend in the
helicopter as he's being transported to "the big mission." I
like watching that guy die in the first ten minutes.
Jesus' story is about as formulaic as they come, complete
with the epic hero who goes down to hell and is reborn
stronger than before. Odysseus did it, so did Achilles,
Gilgamesh, and several other pre-Christian epic heroes. You
can even find the same story in pre-existing texts in India
and China among the Vedas and Buddhist texts. It's a common
theme in oral-formulaic stories that eventually get written
and it happened then for the same reason that it happens
today. Some story tellers are not as good as others, so they
pick a very formulaic situation in which to put their hero
and they adapt it to their environment.
Since the only things we know about Jesus come from the
bible, and not one part of the Jesus-centric biblical
795
passages has ever been confirmed by an independent source,
you can treat Jesus as a literary character and in that
reading, he's as swishy as they come. Think of Eddie
Kaspbrack from "It" and Gene Forrester from "A Separate
Peace" both slight, effeminate men who hung out with a bunch
of guys and one "fag hag" (although in the case of the
latter, the "fag hag" is really just a flaming queen) . The
pacifism, the "anarcho-lef tist " beliefs, the twelve other
dudes who were always at his side, everything points to one
overwhelming conclusion. Jesus was gay.
There were plenty of people calling themselves the son of
God at the time Jesus was alive and there have been plenty
of people calling themselves the son of God since, but it
takes a special person to rile up a community to the point
of crucifixion and nothing gets religious conservatives
angrier than a popular, good looking guy who takes it in the
ass .
I want to believe in straight Jesus, believe me, because
there ' s nothing I like better than thinking about a black
dude giving it to a bunch of white broads like nobody's
business, but if Jesus was dark skinned, then he probably
took it up the ass, too. I don't blame him; Middle Eastern
guys are really attractive.
Sex Mahoney for President
796
Friday November 10, 2 06
797
TONVA HARDING IS TRVING TO BREAK INTO MY CAR
Category: Romance and Relationships
There's nothing worse than kissing someone with beard
stubble .
If you've never done it, get your lover to make a
sandpaper glory hole and stick it over their ass.
I love women, but I hate them so much it makes my eyes
water... either that or I'm still sleepy.
I usually don't blog on the weekends (God gets one day
per week, but I'm a much better writer than it is - have you
READ some of the crap that's in the bible?) but I don't
usually work on the weekends either. I'm doing both today
for some ungodly reason and, as usual, I'm here on time and
my boss is nowhere to be seen. I don't mind particularly,
the whole time I've been in Korea that's been par for the
course, I don't know what I'm doing up until the minute I'm
actually doing it; on one hand it's nice because I don't
have to do any excessive planning, on the other hand it
sucks because I end up sitting in an office with a bunch of
Koreans from another department ask me what I'm doing here
so early (classes don't start for another hour and a half) .
I only woke up at 12:20 and it's 1 PM now, I raced here on
798
my bicycle and had a cigarette, so if this blog is
particularly full of shit, then I apologize, I'd put it
somewhere else, but they don't have toilet paper in the
bathrooms here (seriously, the other day I wiped my ass with
a piece of photocopy paper - talk about unpleasant) .
Many times in my life, I've been tempted to go gay and be
done with it; it doesn't help that people have been asking
me if I'm gay since I was a child (including my mother) . The
real reason is that women frustrate the hell out of me, and
I'm at a loss to explain 90% of them. Still, I love them to
death.
Gay sex when you're a child is all fun and games, but, as
you get older, it means kissing beard stubble; that doesn't
mean I shave to save my wife the same punishment, but I'd
rather be on the giving end of that dyad than the receiving.
I said yesterday that I'm not particularly attracted to
black women, but that's partially a lie. On one hand it's
the God's honest, because when I download porn, I tend to
stay away from black women (not all the time, but generally
speaking), but in real life, I wouldn't know, I've never
been with a black woman. I've slept with Latino women and
European women and American women and Asian women, but never
a black lady; so, on one hand, I really want to sleep with a
799
black chick to round out my "Races of the World" tour, on
the other hand, I've never successfully pursued a woman.
The last time I pursued a woman was a long time ago, back
when murder was a crime. I must have been about 14 or 15,
and I met this girl at an ice skating rink, we spent the
night talking (she even gave me her phone number) and I was
enamored of her. I spent an hour, or so, on the phone with
her the next day and we made a date to play tennis.
(Editor's note: when Sex Mahoney was a child, he was somehow
an even bigger asshole than he is now, talking to him, you
got the impression that he was kept in a cage listening to
Rush Limbaugh and Bobcat Goldwaith records all day) . For
some reason, I put a lot of emphasis on this "date" and
figured I would be having sex with this woman on the tennis
court; so, I decided to bring half a dozen donuts with me to
play tennis (we talked about donuts on the phone) . It makes
perfect sense, right, play tennis + bring donuts = sex
(okay, so I was never that good at math) .
With a seduction technique like that, how can anyone
lose?
What makes matters worse is that the sky was completely
overcast the day of our tennis date and it looked like it
was going to rain. The girl told me this before I left my
house (I called to confirm our date) but I was so hard up
800
about this thing going down that I said it wasn't a problem
and that I would meet her there. I rode my bike. By the time
I got to the tennis court, it was pouring rain; she was
standing underneath a very tall tree, talking to a mutual
friend. They said hello, took a donut, and left. I waited
about half an hour under the tree for the rain to stop, and
then rode home, soaking wet.
Since then, every woman I've been with has actively
pursued me (I've got this thing about failure, if I can't
make something work, I just give up on it entirely and focus
my energies elsewhere, it was around that time that I became
a champion masturbator - a title I hold to this day) . I
haven't slept with any black women, none of them have ever
pursued me, but they remain on the list of "People to Do
before I Die" along with a mother who has a son old enough
to appreciate that I'm nailing their mom (and by appreciate,
I mean understand), an amputee, and someone who wears power
suits and does yogalloties.
I love all women, and I'm hard pressed to find women who
aren't attractive in some way (except for Eastern Island
chicks, I'm so tired of them getting all up ons) , my wife
thinks that's because I'm crazy and I just convince myself
that I'm attracted to whatever aspect on which I fixate, but
she's just trying to get me to dump her so she can run off
801
with that Caribbean tennis instructor with whom she ' s always
hanging out .
There are some things I can't stand about women (things
that make me want to abandon them for men) , but they keep me
coming back with that soft, soft skin. I don't understand
how women do that . When I ran my hand over my own body it
feels like I've been covered in tar and rolled in broken
glass, but my wife has got skin that's like a pillow, a
meaty pillow certainly, but a pillow nonetheless. I'm at a
loss to explain it, I've even tried to copy my wife's
toilette, but it's to no avail, she feels like the Downy
Soft Bear and I'm still Detective James Crockett.
I admit that I'm a weak man, a stronger man would have
kicked this addiction a long time ago and started smoking
pole, but I can't, women are my vice; I can live with that.
Someday, the whole point will be moot anyway, I ' 11 get
older, my hair will fall out, I'm the kind of person who
will only gain weight in my stomach so I'll develop a
ridiculous looking pregnant belly, my face will wrinkle,
I'll shrink, and the cigarette's I smoke will take away my
beautiful voice when they give me a cancer kazoo. Then I'll
be free to smoke pot, pop Viagra, and jerk off till the cows
come home . You can take that last sentence however you want .
Sex Mahoney for President
802
Saturday November 11, 2 06
803
SHE DOESN'T CARE IF HE'S AN ISLAND
Category: Life
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to retire.
I can't stand this working anymore; I'd much rather leave
it to the birds so I can get on with the process of slowly
dying .
You see, I'm a coward and I'm committing suicide, I
decided on that a long time ago there ' s nothing you can say
to change my mind, only I'm doing it very slowly, and to the
untrained eye, my death will look like natural causes or
crucifixion, whichever comes first.
I like to think about God from its early days, you know,
when it was going around pitching the universe to other
deities and trying to get funding to start up the project.
I'm sure it was an exciting and harrowing time for God, and
that, when it finally happened, there was a lot of rejoicing
in the God household.
I applaud that kind of effort, but I think it's for the
birds .
804
The best thing about being a writer is that I don't have
to take anything to committee or get it approved before I
put it on paper... or in most cases a computer hard disk
drive. I don't knead at editor, I get to decide what is
acceptable to put in my writing, and I check over my own
work to make sure I don't include any mistarks.
If I want to combine strings of random words, I can do
that, too.
Penis spaghetti mayonnaise called telephone monitor to
confirm the exsanguination of Jethro Tull at a critical
vagina in paste .
Of course, I wouldn't do that, because I know that unless
you're a Beatles fan or really fucked up on drugs, you're
not interested in reading a bunch of random words thrown
together. If you really wanted to do that, all you'd need is
a dictionary (speaking of which, if you ever want to have a
good laugh, get yourself a dictionary and an ounce of
mushrooms and just have at it) .
Some people say they would go crazy if they didn't have a
job, that they'd get bored eventually, but not me, no sir.
If I didn't have to work, I could spend all day writing and
learning about things; that's all I really want to do. Many
times, my mind fills with thoughts of selling all my
805
belongings and living in the library during the day,
subsisting on a diet of mints and Danielle Steele novels
(and you thought they were useless) .
It's not that I'm a lazy person, I'm highly motivated,
but there isn't a single job on the face of the planet that
has ever produced the slightest motivation for me to perform
well or continue doing it for the next fifty years. Not one,
I'd like to think that there is a job out there that I could
do forever, but I haven't found it yet. In my spare time I
study all kinds of things, history, politics, literature,
computer science, mathematics, drawing, music, plumbing,
carpentry, gardening, gun repair, but I wouldn't want to do
any one of them for a living. I suppose I could be someone's
personal assistant, but I can't keep my mouth shut long
enough to keep that kind of job. The first time I saw
someone make a personal decision, with which I disagreed,
I'd be out on my ass.
The reason I bring this up is that my time in Korea is
almost over, I've only got a few months left, but I have no
idea what the hell I'm going to do for the next fifty odd
years . I was always kind of hoping that some wacky cult
would select me as their messiah then turn on me and crucify
me before I turned 40, but I've already grown discouraged
with my chances in the biggest cults, and if Christianity,
Judaism, and Islam wouldn't take me, then what chance do I
806
have with those half hearted cultists like the New Lifers,
the Movement arians, or the Mormons?
What they hell do you do while you're waiting to die?
The best I can figure is that I will write most of my
life and have my works destroyed in some kind of fire so
that only a select few people will ever know they existed at
all, and when they die out, I'll pass into history like...
what ' s a good simile to use here... like... like a turd as it
disappears down a toilet P trap from the back siphon.
This kind of malaise makes me very horny so children,
shrubs, flowers, violins, and small animals, be afraid... be
very afraid.
Sex Mahoney for President
Sunday November 12, 2 06
807
TH£ BEST TUNA IN THE S£A, IS THE TUNA m CALL BUMBlEB^e
Category: News and Politics
There's not much time to write today, I woke up late,
came into work late, spent an hour reading a book, and I'm
so freakin' cold that my penis now resembles an almond.
There's three Valentine's Days in Korea, one is February
14 th (which is strange because I haven't met many Catholics
here) the usual Valentine's Day, but unlike the US, on
Valentine's Day, only boys get presents and candies from
girls. One month later, on March 14 th , they have White Day,
where boys give presents to girls. In November, instead of
having a Veteran's Day, they have Pepero Day. On Pepero Day,
everyone, of both sexes, exchanges presents; usually, these
little snack sticks called Pepero, which are cracker sticks
3/4 covered by chocolate.
I had seen these sticks around, in convenience stores,
but I never tried them until Pepero Day, and they are
delicious snacks. I'm sending a ton of them home for
Christmas .
I like the idea of a joint love holiday as well as the
holiday gender division that takes place in the late
winter/early spring. It seems that Valentine's Day in
808
America is a one way street, luckily, my wife hates flowers
and getting dressed up, so we never have to do anything
special on Valentine ' s Day other than hump each other like
usual. What's even better is that last year she worked at a
pharmacy/convenience store, so after
Christmas/Halloween/Valentine's Day/Easter we got lots of
discounted candy on which to gorge ourselves.
The holiday I don't like is Veteran's Day (I don't care
much for the military in general) . With Memorial Day, I have
no problem, because they give you a day off from work or
school, but Veteran's Day is trite. The military could do
much more on a humanitarian scale, they have the manpower,
but it ' s always couched in violence .
There's also the idea that veterans are out there
defending freedom, when nothing could be further from the
truth. Despite what people say, freedom is free, it doesn't
cost anything, and no matter how hard people try to take
away freedom, it's an impossible task. Almost every monarch,
from the dawn of time to the present day, has done their
best to limit human freedoms, but no one has succeeded.
They've done everything they can to destroy that human
spirit, but nothing has yet worked.
The biggest problem I have with the military is that
violence is a part of the human spirit (which I praise so
809
highly) as much as love and all those other happy emotions
we get mixing around in our addled brains. Yet, for some
reason, society accepts these emotions only when exercised
through the proper channels. You want to fuck, and then get
married, you want to have a good time, then go do it in a
bar, you want to kill someone, call yourself a soldier and
tell yourself that what you're doing is honorable.
Perhaps, there was a time when war was honorable, when
men with swords and bows and arrows marched to the fray with
their king in the lead, but, in the modern era, presidents
and kings and emperors treat soldiers like chess pieces,
moving them around in a sick little game. In the United
States there have been only 43 presidents over a 200+ year
history, in monarchies, mostly there has been fewer than a
hundred kings in a thousand year period; very few of us will
ever become world leaders, but when the leaders say that
it's time for a war, we march off with glory or booze or
money in our eyes and commit atrocities that should sicken
every human being on the planet; instead, we award each
other shiny pieces of metal and play bugles when someone
"valiantly falls. "
A lot of people say that soldiers defend our way of life,
but to the average citizen, what does it matter who is in
charge? When the French overthrew their government, did the
lives of average citizens change greatly whether Louis the
810
16th or Napoleon ruled them? Some people look to the most
extreme forms of fascism and say, "Yes, it does matter," but
there's always someone getting the shaft in a society,
fascism simply redirects that shafting to a particular
people whether its by race, creed, religion, or political
affiliation.
When researchers study predator populations, they say
that the number of visible species at any given time is only
a portion of the total number of animals. In America, we
know of a few people who have "disappeared" into the dark
pits of prison, but there are, most likely, more, about
which we know nothing.
There are currently soldiers overseas fighting in a war;
for what purpose? Is it to defend the values of the country?
There are individuals, corporations, and soldiers themselves
who are, right this very minute, breaking laws that
symbolize the freedoms upon which, our fore fathers founded
this country, but they all view themselves as righteous
defenders of freedom.
In Iraq, many people feel nostalgic for the days of
Saddam Hussein, because they knew that devil; this new
beast, slouching toward Bethlehem, is fresh, and dangerous,
and a threat to their way of life.
811
The thing about soldiers is that it doesn't matter on
which side of the war you fight; most likely, you believe
that you are on the right side, but when it comes down to
it, what is the right side. When you have two groups of
people, whose sole purpose in life is to kill each other,
there is no such thing as right; there are only two groups
of murderers preparing to engage in socially approved
murder .
The United States has only ever fought one defensive war
and it was against ourselves. I don't mind defensive wars so
much (I still don't understand the purpose of fighting, but
what do you want, I'm a tree hugging hippie), because it
makes sense, this is the land of our people and we don't
want you here. A few weeks ago, I saw Trent Lott laugh about
the open immigration policy of Native American tribes in his
defense of American attempts at reforming immigration law.
By that same logic, it would not be okay for people to come
to America peacefully, but if an invading army overpowered
the American military, it would be perfectly acceptable to
pledge our allegiance to our new giant ant alien overlords.
The nice thing about a defensive war is that ordinary
citizens take part in the war effort beyond production and
rationing. When ma and pa kettle pick up the nearest object
and start swinging it for all they're worth, I can get
behind that kind of violence. The United States has not had
812
to defend itself, ever; although it has fought for self-
determination, so if anyone wants to argue the above point,
I'm willing to accept the war for independence as a
defensive war. Except, the United States has overwhelmingly
condemned other countries that fight off similar examples of
colonialism, especially in Iraq; so, the soldiers that
fought in subsequent American wars all support the same
thing the country once fought against .
Not that it's such a big deal, countries change alliance
and mission objectives, as time goes on, and "all history is
scraped clean and re-inscribed as often as necessary." Each
generation of soldier is told that they are dying to protect
the ideals for which their forefathers die, regardless of
what those ideals entail or how the present war is an
application of a threat against those ideals. Each
generation of soldier is told that the enemy is less than
human, and deserves such treatment, as some would afford
even common vermin, like rats and weasels. Each generation
nods approvingly as someone who has grown old from avoiding
fights, sends them off fight for an ideal, a god, or a non-
renewable resource. You'd think that after thousands of
years people would catch on, but they don't.
So I don't have any sympathy for soldiers, who stand in
line next to former enemies they now call friends, and march
off to fight future allies with visions of hate and
813
destruction in their minds. I've said it before, if every
soldier put down their weapon and refused to fight for the
upper 1% then there wouldn't be anymore wars. All it takes
is people who are not afraid to stand up, no matter what the
consequences .
I guess, in the end, I don't mind Veteran's Day so much,
because it's only one day out of 365.25; I kind of like the
fact that the sacrifice of thousands of people, for causes
they may or may not have believed, is remembered each year
by car salesmen looking to make a few bucks and those
conspirators in the flag manufacturing syndicate. People
like holidays so they can quickly express gratitude without
exercising too much thought and go right back to stuffing
their faces with deep friend Oreos, and it's much more
insulting to relegate Veterans to a day that no one cares
about, than to live your life so that no one ever has to die
in war again.
Either way, they should probably make more Veteran's Day
candy and Hallmark cards, nothing says sincerity like
Hallmark.
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday November 13, 2 06
814
WHAT VWI/E done IS PUT yourself between a bullet and a target
Category: News and Politics
I apologize to those of you who read my blog for
entertainment, but today's blog is very boring. If you don't
want to read this, just leave a comment at the bottom
telling me to stop dealing with crazy people and, hopefully,
the collective weight of your condemnation will affect me
more than the contrary arguments of this e-mailer.
I like arguing with people who have opposing viewpoints,
because I like to challenge myself and my beliefs, if you
constantly spend time reading literature with which you
agree you may as well just open wide and swallow your own
semen (or bullshit as the case may be) .
I was recently accused of being racist. I responded with
a rational argument and the e-mailer responded in kind. I
was going to ignore him, but he called me lazy, so rather
than lie down and die, I've responded to the email and
included the text of our conversations here, since I spent
the afternoon responding to him instead of writing a blog.
I apologize sincerely to my readers, so if you don't
care, feel free to skip this one and I will gladly suck your
815
collective cocks at some other point in time and write a
real blog later this afternoon.
Sex Mahoney for President
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
It's partially laziness; it's partially from the futility
of this argument. We can keep screaming at each other to no
purpose, but we won't do much to change each other's
opinions .
You are right, the dark skinned folks didn't cotton to
the m-16, mostly because it ' s a shitty gun compared to the
kalashnikov; however, you fail to mention the missies sold
to Iran in 1985, and the 1000 TOW missies, sold at a 15%
markup, in 1986. It didn't stop with the cold war, the US
still provides more arms to third world countries (almost
48%), it's an 8 billion dollar a year industry. Even under
Bill Clinton, the US gave weapons to countries that violated
international human rights standards. I don't know from
where you got your figures, but you can check out mine at:
1 . http: //www. fas ,org/asmp/fast_facts .htm
2 . http : //en. wikipedia . org/wiki/Iran_contra
3 . http : //www. commondreams . org/headlines03/0 92 5-07 .htm
816
More importantly, the US funded dictatorial regimes (at
least the ones that were friendly with us) to fight those
"dirty reds" whose political philosophy was only guilty of
the necessity of constant expansion (just like capitalism)
and a permanent underclass (see previous note) .
You may be right, that the US was not ready to go into a
war so soon after defeating Hitler, except you're not,
because less than ten years later the US was engaged in war
in Korea and less than twenty years later the US was engaged
in war in Vietnam. The same strategies that existed during
the cold war (oddly enough under the same leadership as is
in power today) are now in place again with the enemy
changed from communism to terrorism (which was great for the
letterhead because they only had to change 6 letters) . US
foreign policy has remained largely stable for the last
sixty years, it doesn't matter what you do in your own
country, kill, rape, eat baby sandwiches, as long as you
oppose our enemies, we'll give you money to fight off your
enemies. Which is not a bad strategy, until you realize
that, in a lot of those countries, the enemies were "freedom
fighters" who wanted to oust the US supported dictator (see
all of South America 1945-1992) .
It ' s not that the US was tired of fighting against Hitler
(with its ally Stalin who was many times worse than Hitler
and whose country was ACTUALLY responsible for winning WW2 ,
817
as opposed to the United States who beat Japan only by
committing the worst atrocities ever committed against a
civilian population), but that the US didn't want their name
attached to the unpopular regimes they defended. At the same
time the World Community condemned a lot of these dictators,
the US was helping fight against the red menace.
People are right to bitch when US troops go overseas to
fight, because it leaves the homeland undefended while some
petty elected dictator in the Whitehouse gets to play
general. The only thing troops on foreign soil should do is
provide humanitarian aid to unstable areas .
The justice system is unfair to minorities in a very
oblique way and I ' 11 use the example of prohibition to prove
my point . There was always a temperance movement in the
United States, and there is still one today, but they
couldn't garner significant political clout until the latter
part of the 19th and early part of the 20th centuries. It
just so happens that the latter part of the 19th and early
part of the 2 0th centuries were at the tail end of an
immigration surge from southern and eastern European
countries. People were very upset about those dirty poles
and Slavs and Italians moving into their country, so instead
of doing the overtly racist thing and passing laws against
being Italian (although they tried that and it didn't work),
they outlawed alcohol instead, a vice that thrives in poor
818
communities (and what communities tend to be the poorest,
why the minority ones) .
Now, today it is true that a large percentage of crimes
are committed in minority neighborhoods, but take a look at
those crimes and they all have one major source: drugs. Just
like minority drinking practices were outlawed to "quell
those drunken wops" today drugs are prohibited for the same
reason, and the majority of people in prison are there
because they are non-violent drug offenders. Incidents of
violent crime stem from that root cause, because, in an
unregulated market, crime syndicates step up to the task and
they often use strong-arm tactics. Even without the
influence of organized crime, the high price of drugs
(created partially through their black market status) allows
for violent crime to flourish as people are robbed for their
product or their profit. When drugs first became illegal,
way back in the 3 0s, the most common warning against them in
advertising was a pot crazed Negro, attacking a white woman.
To protect the (snicker) chastity of white womanhood, drugs
had to be criminalized.
Since you used serial killers as an example, I will
respond in kind (unluckily for you, I know a lot about
serial killers as I had one day hoped to be one, alas, my
high school guidance counselor just didn't see it that way,
as my score on his career test indicated that I was much
819
better suited to a career testing the elasticity of double
sided dildos) . When Jeffrey Dahmer was committing his
atrocities, one of his victims escaped, a young Laotian man
got out of Dahmer' s apartment and ran screaming down the
street naked covered in blood. Two police officers found him
and... brought him back to Dahmer' s apartment, where Jeffrey
said that it was just a little "lovers tiff" and the cops
left. As much as I hate cops, this is such a wonderful
example of ineptitude that I love these cops for it, not
only was the boy 14 years old, but he was later murdered and
dismembered by the psychopath to whom the police delivered
him. Would the same have happened to a white boy? We might
never know.
Except we do know, Ted Bundy was a very charming guy and
during a recess for his first trial, he was allowed to visit
the court's law library, where he jumped out of a window and
escape. He was captured again, and this time he got a hold
of a hacksaw, cut a hole in his cell and walked out the
front door.
These two examples are just anecdotal, but real,
widespread evidence of racism by law enforcement are
everywhere, from policemen fabricating racial information on
people stopped for traffic violations to people who are shot
in excess of twenty times as they reach for their wallets.
820
The famous "Miranda" warning came as a result of police
abusing minorities and forcing confessions from them without
lawyers present (because they did not tell them that they
could have lawyers present) .
Let me provide one more piece of anecdotal evidence . One
night I was at a party and I was talking to a black woman.
The police came and busted up the party, but I was waiting
on the front lawn for some of my friends who were still
inside. The police were filling out the paperwork in their
car and this black woman and I started making fun of the
police. Our comments were equally vicious and biting (and
I'm a man), but when the cops had enough and stepped out of
their car, who did they approach, but the black woman (for
what crime, I have no idea, the charges were later dropped
when the two officers faced disciplinary action) . They tried
to get her to peacefully put on handcuffs, but she jested
with them, alternating her hands in front of her and behind
her back. Eventually they wrestled this 12 pound woman to
the ground and cuffed her, all the while I was yelling at
them to stop and asking for their badge numbers (they had
covered them with electrical tape) . When they got the
restrained woman in the back of their patrol car, one of the
officers reached through the window and sprayed her in the
face with pepper spray.
821
The ACLU, although it catches a lot of flack for
defending some real scumbags, provides a valuable service,
because, if you had chosen to use their services, you could
have ensured an equal punishment for your attacker. The fact
that you used a racial slur to denigrate your attacker is as
telling as it can get, sure there are plenty of things for
which you can denigrate a person, but their race is
certainly not one of them. When you use it as an insult,
that is an overtly racist attack, and when your opponent
used it against you, it was also overtly racist.
Regardless, while it may seem like minorities have more
rights than the white majority, that's largely because white
people rarely have to exercise those rights in their
defense. I can't remember the last time a bunch of black
people put sheets over their head and threatened white folk
who moved into the neighborhood. While it is true that there
are black people who will attack a lone white person in a
predominantly black neighborhood, they are just as wrong,
and certainly not in the majority. The laws designed to
punish people for hate crimes cut both ways, and it is a
legislative attempt to cure people of their racism (like
legislation ever fixed anything) .
The current culture has worked at suppressing overt
racism, because of the social stigma attached, but, when
people are allowed to act privately, they turn out to be a
822
lot more racist than they would like to let on. When you say
that minorities have just as many opportunities as white
folk, I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about, since
(by a general rule) the majority of minorities are born in
the lower income brackets, they are less likely to have
wealthy parents; therefore, they are less likely to have the
same opportunities.
Economics supports the underlying racism in America; when
a black family moves into a predominantly white
neighborhood, property values mysteriously go down as more
people simultaneously sell their homes. Go into a real
estate agents office (if you're black) and they'll take you
to the black part of town to look for a home "among your own
kind." In places where minorities establish communities,
you'll soon see a massive outflow of white folks who don't
like living next to "darkies." I don't know as much about
real estate as I'd like, or I'd provide you with more
details, but suffice to say, people are racist, especially
in America.
The current success of the Republican Party came on the
back of a very shrewd move. For years, Republicans attacked
minority programs and caught static because they opposed
things like "Clothes for Black Orphans" and "Stop the police
from using dogs and fire hoses on civil rights marchers
coalition for change" or SPUDFCRMCC (better known as spud
823
fucker McC) . Instead of attacking programs directly,
Republicans changes their tune to, "We'll cut the taxes
(that pay for those programs) " and it has been largely
successful. We don't need to be overtly racist, we'll just
pretend we're not while doing everything we can to undermine
minority rights.
When I spoke about overzealous religious white women, I
was referring to the Concerned Women for America, the female
members of the National Association of Evangelicals, the
PMRC, and other bizarre groups that think regulating
people's behavior (when they disagree with it) is
appropriate. It's not just the vocal ones I oppose, but the
ones who sit idly by while their husbands say stupid things
like "Illegal Immigrants are stealing our jobs" or "Marriage
needs to be protected against them gol ' durn gays" while
they themselves spout rhetoric such as "I don't let my
children play violent video games or listen to the Marilyn
Manson. "
I applaud the efforts of schools that want to introduce
actual thinking into their curriculum rather than hive-
mentality. For over a century, the public education system
has made its business the breaking of children's spirits
through military like obedience and limited avenues for
intellectual growth. When I was teaching in America, I was
reprimanded for suggesting that the Washington Monument was
824
a phallic symbol (because that was inappropriate for a
classroom said the principal) , serendipitously when I came
to Korea, the first day we talked about the same exact thing
and this time it was in the children's textbook.
America is a vanilla culture that thrives on pushing the
herd mentality; that way manufacturers don't lose money on
failed products, and people will keep going to see Will
Ferrel movies because everyone says he's funny. That's why
radio stations only play forty songs over and over again,
that's why you don't see controversial themes in prime time
network programming. That's why Brittany Spears sells
millions of records. That's why McDonald's is the most
prolific restaurant in the country. That's why Budweiser is
the number 1 beer in America. America is a bland culture,
that tries its damndest to suppress any divergent (aka
minority) thought .
I find it odd that you closed by saying America is
becoming more liberal and that it's disgusting. Certainly an
excess of liberalism is a bad thing, but only because too
much of any one thing is bad. Too much conservatism leads to
stagnation and death, while too much liberalism leads to
unsustainable mutation. White people are becoming the
minority, and I couldn't be happier, maybe then we can all
finally get together and kill Pat Boone.
825
Sex Mahoney for President
Original Message
From: Jason
Date: Nov 11 2006 1:55 AM
Ok first off we "armed" the brown people with almost nothing
during the cold war. Yes we did supply these countries with
weapons but NOWHERE near as much as other countries. Such as
the Iran- Iraq war that everyone bitches about. Most people.
Especially democrats scream we funded them. Yes they are
right we gave them $200 million in dual-use helicopters.
THATS IT. We gave them .6% of the arms they got. The rest
came from other countries. Ya your right to. We did use
those countries as proxies to fight for us. We were a bit
scared considering Hitler was just taken out and Stalin was
well on his way to becoming another Hitler. We used those
countries as proxies though because everyone always bitches
every time we HAVE to go to war. Yet we let someone else do
the fighting for once and what do they do . . . . bitch some
more ....
As for Minorities in America being underprivileged that's
a bunch of bull. . .
Yes our justice system is soo unfair to minorities
to
826
Hey did you ever think that maybe the reason Sixty- four
percent of prison inmates belonged to racial or ethnic
minorities in 2001 was because they caused the most crimes?
I am in no way racist but the numbers dont lie. The majority
of prisoners are minorities because they cause the most
crime. Seeing as I live on an AirForce base/state prison I
can confirm this to an extent. They also tend to have MUCH
shorter sentences though then white people. Ever notice how
its always a white guy on the news that did some crazy
thing? Scott Peterson, Charles Manson, David Berkowitz , Ted
Bundy, Jef fery Dahmer. These are just some of the major ones.
Yet we NEVER see on TV about the minority wackos that are
out there. The only exception has been recently when Leey
Boyd Malvo and John Allen Muhammad went on there killing
spree. There are PLENTY of sick minority groups who have
done the same if not worse things yet why are they never on
the news? When is the last time you saw a minority get the
death penalty? My dad is a chaplain at a state prison and
has told me some stories far more disturbing then what some
of the serial killers I listed above did.
All minorities have to do is cry hate crime and suddenly
groups like the ACLU step in on there side. Yet if I cry
hate crime no one cares. I think its funny that when I was
in school I called a kid a nigger because he was starting
crap with me yet he called me a "cracker" and then shoved me
827
which counts as battery yet because I used a racial slur I
would get 2 weeks OSS and he would only have a week of
ISS. . . Yes poor minorities
This whole dominant white culture thing is even more
bull... Minorities have the same privileges if not more then
everyone else and they have the same opportunites as Whites.
And where the hell did you get this comment from???
"Not only will it relax the zealous religious fanaticism
of the uptight middle American women"
I rarely ever see a zealous religious fanatic white
women. In fact I cannot even think of any and I know A LOT
of "zealous religious fanatic women". So because of this
absurd thought that has somehow found its way into your
brain your going to go cross country urging black men to
inseminate white women so they will produce a more mixed
race. Well incase your not in tune with the culture today I
will let you in on a little secret. White women already love
black men and vis versa. Turn on a rap video sometime. Or
examine the youth of today. I see black girls and white guys
togther as well as black guys and white girls all the time.
As for the so called homogeneity of the education system
thats just more crap. Have you seen the laws people are
828
trying to pass lately? Especially in California. They want
to make it acceptable to teach kids from k-12 to be
accepting of alternate lifestyles. Ya again because thats
homogenetic .
See I think you have it all wrong. White Men are becoming
the Minorities and America is slowly becoming more and more
liberal. Its digusting . . . .
Original Message
From: Sex Mahoney for President
Date: Nov 8 2006 9:51 AM
Jason,
Occasionally I will use sarcasm to prove a point. In the
case of "brown people" I use the term specifically to poke
fun at the PC way many modern governmental officials have
justified their bombing of poor countries with non-white
majorities. The last time the US bombed a white majority
country was in the 1940s. Now the relationship between the
two might be coincidental, but, during the Cold War, rather
than engage each other directly, the US and the USSR fought
metaphorically by providing arms to brown people who were
allied with one side or the other, in the hopes that they
would blow up each other.
829
Am I racist? Well, I was, up until about 2 02, but I
didn't realize I was racist. You see, I was working with
this black guy, and I couldn't stand him. I didn't like the
music he listened to, the clothing style and priority system
this guy had, even his use of colloquialisms in his speech
(which is often called ghettoese or Ebonics) . When I got
past all the characterization (outward expressions of
personality) and learned about this particular guy's
character (choices made under pressure) , I realized that he
was a pretty nice guy and we've been good friends ever
since .
After I overcame my prejudice, I had to go back and
examine why I didn't like this guy in the first place. The
obvious answer was that I was turned off by the mass
marketed commercialism of his characterization (he seemed
like so many clones who buy top 4 records and follow the
latest trends) , but digging deeper, I realized that I had
been alienating a whole segment of the population (largely
black and Hispanic) and their culture because of that
distaste. Even though I thought racists were despicable, I
was guilty of exhibiting racist tendencies.
The more I studied, the more I learned that similar
prejudices expressed themselves in subconscious ways,
including a criminal justice system that is geared toward
830
suppressing cultural differences and education that tries to
homogenize youth.
Since then, I have done everything in my power to subvert
the dominant white culture in America and promote racial
awareness... by forming a task force to help Americans
evolve and break down the barriers between races.
I am the titular head of the task force, only because I'm
still trying to get it off the ground, and it may be a good
many years before we achieve any real progress, but the
goals are easily achievable within our lifetime.
I am trying to recruit Lexington Steele, Mr. Marcus, and
Blackzilla to go on a cross-country American tour
inseminating white women. Not only will it relax the zealous
religious fanaticism of the uptight Middle American women,
but it will also produce a large number of mixed race
children for the next generation. I also travel to malls,
Brittany Spears concerts, and bake sales all over the
country encouraging white women to sleep with black men to
promote racial harmony. Only then will we be able to breed a
uniquely American race.
So in short answer to your question, I use the term brown
people to sarcastically refer to the "white" policies of
America, which, though they try to remain race friendly, are
831
actually disadvantageous to a large portion of the non-white
world.
I hope that answers your question.
Sex Mahoney for President
Original Message
From: Jason
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:10 PM
Why in Los Kerry blog do you call them brown people? Are you
racist or something?
■k-k-k-kic-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday November 14, 2 06
832
SHE'S A SQUIRREL CRUSHING, DEER SMACKING, DRIVING MACHINE/
Category: Writing and Poetry
What the fuck? I mean seriously, come on. Mittens? Who
the hell thought up this shit? The best I can figure is that
one day, a bunch of guys were out crabbing, they were really
drunk, and they looked at the crab and said: "Hey, you know
what would be really cool? If I had my own claws." Mittens
are completely impractical. Millennia of evolution, erased
by some wool and cute snowflake pattern is supposed to make
me forget that that mittens are as useless as that second
asshole I have on my face (the one just above my chin and
below my nose) ?
It's getting really cold in Korea and, for the last week,
I've been riding my bike home with my hands inside my jacket
sleeves to protect them from the awful wind. Today, I wanted
to buy a pair of gloves to protect my fragile, girlish hands
from the bone chilling cold, but my wife tells me that the
store nearby only sells mittens. MITTENS! What the fuck?
I like useless things, more to the point; I like making
useful things useless. If something has a purpose, I like
tearing it down, especially the conveniences of the modern
world. I'm very conservative in that regard. I view
technology suspiciously. I never owned a cell phone until my
job in Korea gave me one and (as much as I want a large
833
storage mp3 player) I refuse to get an iPod (which has more
to do with how much I hate Apple Computers than dislike of
the iPod - even though I hate iTunes and the mp4 format with
a passion - stupid apple computers and their user friendly
operating systems, a computer should be hard to use, that
way I don't have to listen to idiots pontificating about
stupid things like politics and mittens) . I'm a curmudgeon.
Someone once said grizzled.
Which seems at odds with another aspect of my
personality, because I'm also very cheerful and laid back; I
used to be very angry, but I gave all that up. I try to tell
my wife that it's within her power to control her emotions,
but then she launches into a twenty minute rant about how
I'm not man enough to please her and she usually finishes by
working my kidneys until I pass out.
You'd think that someone who was laid back wouldn't care
about mittens, but that's how they get you. I wouldn't care
if my wife decided to leave me tomorrow; I might feel a pang
or two of sadness, but it would pass quickly and I wouldn't
give it a second thought, if she thought that leaving me was
best, I wouldn't try to stop her, but if she tried to make
me wear mittens, I'd beat he senseless and bury her corpse
in a dark, secluded place. I don't care what other people
do; I only care about what other people try to do to me.
834
I don't like people pushing their views on me and I
resist an idea no matter what just because I'm a stubborn
bastard (I recognize this quality in many people, so I try
to keep my advice very general most of the time) . Even if
you told me that it was much quicker to get from Korea to
China by flying north, if I was used to going south, I'd
probably keep flying south until someone showed me the way;
and yet, I'll often try something new without any
preparation or provocation, just to shake things up. I don't
mind when I take the initiative, but I can't stand someone
taking the initiative for me, or trying to thrust that upon
me .
I like to read as much information as possible about a
particular topic (which leads some people to say that I'm
terribly boring) until I burn out on that topic. When I was
a kid I read book after book about serial killers and talked
about how great it would be to be a serial killer when I
grew up (but I had to stop because the school demanded I see
a counselor) . The other day, I spent a good hour or two
reading about mustard, the history of mustard, different
types of mustard, even a museum of mustard in Wisconsin. I'm
not saying it's the best way to learn about things, but it's
the way that works for me, and it's how I like to spend my
time. It means that I know a lot about many different
things, but I'm an expert in nothing.
835
Except writing.
For as long as I've been able to open my mouth and spew
shit, I've told stories to anyone who would sit still and
listen to them. The nice thing about a story is that it
plants a bug in someone's brain about a particular topic,
and it leads them to the overwhelming conclusion the author
wants them to reach. If the story works, then the reader
eats it up and the framework is laid to bring a stubborn
mind to a new point of view. I could stand on a soapbox and
tell you all about my beliefs, but it's much neater to
encapsulate them in a story.
I used to think that story was the only valid form of
art, but I've relaxed a lot in the last few years. Art is
just another human attempt to capture the emotion of a
particular moment, to encapsulate it in the way that only
memory is capable. Most of the time, art fails, but every
once in a while, you find something that's so beautiful it
sticks a chainsaw up your anus and rips out your insides
like a thanksgiving turkey (what? Don't you use a chainsaw
to carve your Thanksgiving bird?) .
This blog writing is the longest I've ever gone without
writing any fiction, and it sometimes gets to me; most of
the time I feel like a complete tool, but some of the time I
get something really good out there and people respond to
836
it; it ' s a nice feeling, like having someone warm press
against you on a cold night. I'm not sure which I like
better (sometimes the blog tries my patience) , but either
way I love to write. I don't particularly care if anything I
write every gets read (sure it's nice, but sometimes I don't
want people watching me masturbate) .
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to find the
person who created mittens and I'm going to make them suffer
for the terror they've unleashed on humanity. I'm going to
tie them to a chair and make them read my blogs . Mwaa ha ha.
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday November 14, 2 06
837
I'M THE SON OF A BAD MAN
Category: Life
Black people are invariably cooler than white people .
Maybe not invariably, I don't want to apply universality
to the statement when there most likely is none; I'm sure
there are black folks out there who drive Volvos, listen to
Winger, or wear argyle sweaters, but that's the exception
rather than the rule .
A lot of people try to look at the black community in
America as a solid block of people in much the same way as
they look at Christian fundamentalists and homosexuals, but
the black community is made up of many individual members,
just as any large group of people is made of individual
members, and the actions of any group as a whole vary in
reason for every individual. There is no universal black,
and even though two black people might support the same
political candidate, or like the same music, they, most
likely, have different reasons for their support. Listening
to Otis Redding does not make you cool (case in point, me) ,
just like driving a Volvo does not make you vanilla, but
these examples are characteristics shared by many cool or
vanilla people.
838
Did you ever get the feeling like you had to fart? You
know it's a fart because it feels like a fart; we've all
been alive long enough to know what a fart feels like. Most
of us can't define it; we just know what a fart feels like,
because it's a feeling to which our bodies are accustomed,
but as a writer, it is my job to express the sensations we
humans experience for all the world (talk about hubris) to
read, recognize, and understand. You can feel a fart
bubbling in your stomach and intestines, followed by a rapid
expansion of your abdomen. Some of us try to "swallow" the
fart, push it back into our guts by squeezing our ass cheeks
a little tighter and sucking in our stomachs, but it will
come out eventually, no matter how hard you try to force it
down. Suppress them too much, and the fart builds, combining
with other gas bubbles in your stomach until your body
forces you to let them out, no matter the social situation.
Sometimes, you can feel a fart building, a bubble getting
ready to pop just on the wrong side of your asshole, and you
help it along, give it a little squeeze to hasten its
expulsion and share it with your fellow man; however,
sometimes, there's another feeling that comes with a fart,
the feeling that there is something monstrous lurking just
behind that bubble, and, given the chance, would use your
fart against you to escape. When you try to push a fart out,
and you feel that monster lurking just around the corner,
even the bravest of us turn into cowards because it's one
839
thing to accidentally fart in public, but it's quite another
to straight up shit your pants. We know our bodies; we know
their rhythms, and it's probably been a long time since any
of us has shit our pants, but sometimes, extraordinary
situations call for extraordinary measures.
When talking about American race relations, there's a
sense of urgency buried there, like a fart with a turd on
the side, and just like the cowards we become when the
prospect of shitting our pants rears its ugly head, many
people shy away from speaking openly and honestly about race
for fear of getting a little fecal matter in their shorts. I
understand this fear and I empathize, but the truth is that
shit washes off, and no matter how hard you try to hold back
a fart, it's going to come out eventually.
Some people will argue and say that America is not a
racist country, that minorities have more rights than the
white people who supposedly keep them down, and in terms of
public policy, a lot of good work has been done to even the
playing field, but America is a racist country, and you
don't have to search to hard to discover the symptoms.
In the 1950s, major record labels and performance venues
were in the last throes of segregation; for the previous
forty years, white people did everything they could to hold
off the scourge of "black" music, but finally the popularity
840
of artist's such as Big Mama Thornton, Count Basie, Bo
Diddly, and Fats Domino forced unscrupulous businessmen to
get in on the act so they wouldn't get left behind. Still,
record sales remained low for many of the great artists that
would draw enormous crowds .
Then Elvis came along.
Elvis Presley took the songs and sounds of black artists
and made more money off them than all of the black artists
combined. When a white musician homogenized the music, it
became mass marketable .
In 1999, two decades of major gains by black artists in
the music field were once again surpassed by Eminem, who
blew away the competition, at their own game, in much the
same way.
Clothing trends, music, sports, language, thousands of
facets of black culture remaining underground until they are
appropriated by white people, after which, the cultural
trends take off like you wouldn't believe.
America is a racist country, as evidenced in the cultural
arena (to say nothing about the political or judicial) .
841
Black people in America have largely been left outside of
the white culture, and it has benefited them greatly.
The law of diminishing returns tells us that the more a
person experiences a set of stimuli, the less effect it will
have. Surely, the first time your girlfriend calls you in
the middle of the night and tells you she's pregnant, it
takes quite some time before your heart stops beating so
loud you can't hear her laughing at your gullibility, but
the tenth time it happens, it's less and less funny. The
fear that black America feels is so invasive that after a
while it doesn't affect you anymore.
If you've never felt that fear, then do this little
experiment with yourself. Every time you see a policeman or
hear a siren, imagine they're coming after you.
When you live with that fear long enough, it gives way to
acceptance or defiance, especially when you've done nothing
wrong. Every child has experienced that kind of defiance and
helplessness; think back to when you broke that lamp in the
living room and you lied to your parents, telling them that
it was your brother or sister or the wind, and they didn't
believe you. You don't mind the beating they give you,
because it's partially your fault that you couldn't think of
a better lie; however, think about that time that you didn't
break the lamp, or eat the cookies, or whatever it was your
842
parents yelled about, and they still didn't believe you
because of the last time you lied. Nothing makes you feel
more helpless.
The reason we know so much about our own bodies and our
farts is that we usually don't share them with other people
(I do, and you might with your friends, but when you're in
unknown company, I'll bet dollars to donuts that you keep
them to yourself) and so we follow an inner voice that
speaks to our flatulence: instinct. Some people say that
instinct is born in a person, and some instincts may be, but
you can change you body to make certain practices
instinctual. Think about sitting in a passenger seat of a
car while your mother is driving; if she has to brake
suddenly, what's the first thing she does (no matter how old
you are) , she puts out her hand and tries to hold you back
(as if that would somehow stop you from flying through the
windshield) . Certainly, there is nothing inborn in us about
cars, which are still relatively new to humanity, so the
instinct comes from somewhere other than our genetic memory.
Covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze, wiping your
ass when you're finished on the toilet, lathering, rinsing,
and repeating if necessary; we learn these behaviors over
the course of our lives until they become second nature and
we hardly think of them (because I do it so absent mindedly,
sometimes I ' 11 get off the toilet and forget if I wiped my
ass or not, which is why - other than to inspect and gloat
843
over the size of my feces - I always check the bowl before I
flush) .
White culture has indoctrinated white people with
instinctual fears and phobias as well as rules for social
interaction that are absent in a large portion of the black
community. Without the sausage grinder-esque homogenization
of white culture, black people are left to rely more on
themselves and less on the society around them (which has
shown time and time again how little it cares for their well
being) . When you don't have people telling you what to do,
you start to hear that little voice inside your head, the
one that speaks to instinct and tells your body to trust in
its own power, to deal with situations as they arise and not
as you imagine them... that's the very definition of cool.
Think about the movies you've seen in which the "token"
black character gives the philosophical "holy grail" to the
(usually white) protagonist or the black character that has
certain "magical" powers. It's not accident that white
culture has created this mythos, when people listen to their
inner voices and less to their peers the self-assurance and
level-headedness that naturally follows seems magical
indeed, as if the universe realigns itself for your
edification; as if you're lucky. The truth is that you're
not afraid to get a little shit in your pants when you fart.
844
Thursday November 16, 2 06
845
GHETTO PRINCE IS MY THING, MAKING 101/E'S HOW I SWING
Category: Life
Read the following passage; identify the main idea and
the purpose .
I am so homesick that the other day I was masturbating to
pictures of cheeseburgers and my close friends. It helps
when your close friends are also porn stars, but that's
beside the point.
Most of all, I miss Rodya Raskolnikov. For those of you
who are not familiar with Rodion, he one of my most troubled
friends; a few years ago he was broke and he killed an old
woman and her sister for a few rubles and some trinkets. It
took awhile, but eventually his weak mental condition caused
him to break down and confess his crime to the police, even
after they arrested someone else for the crime.
I miss Rodya so much, I can barely stand it. It's pretty
gay, and my wife makes fun of me for it constantly, but if
she was half the man Rodya is then she wouldn't think it was
so gay at all.
Korea is very nice; the food here is cheap, bowling is
one dollar a game, and, for the first time since I was a
little kid, I've got a nice chunk of money saved away and no
846
debts on which to waste it; however, I want to go back to
America. If my friends and family lived out here (and they
had weed worth smoking) I wouldn't mind staying in Korea.
There are so many distasteful things about America (that I
don't want to think about lest they spoil my homesickness)
that make me dread moving back there, but I miss my friends
more than I can stomach.
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to travel the world, and
see what else was out there; sure, America is nice, but a
place is a place is a place; it's only as good as the people
who live there. Most of the places around the world are
exactly the same, because no matter how far you travel you
can't escape yourself, and you bring with you (along with
soap, deodorant, and Cum Swapping Co-eds #9) your outlook on
life. You can't change who you are. No matter where you go,
there you are. Adolph Hitler in a rented flat in Jerusalem
is still Adolph Hitler and I'm still me in Korea. Not that
I'm much like Hitler (I'm a much better painter, bitch), but
he was just a well-known person I could use for my example.
I could have said something like, "Louis Mountbatten in
Burma is still Louis Mountbatten" but what ' s the point in
making you look up information about Louis Mountbatten when
all you really need to know is that a person can't escape
their personality, even if you're Louis Mountbatten.
847
With the few exceptions of those humans who die in tragic
ping-pong accidents or smother in elephant dung, most of us
have a poison inside our bodies that, even now as you read
this, is poisoning your from the inside out: a cancer, a bum
ticker, or even a little sliver of bone from that bad break
you had when you were eight and your older brother told you
that there was no way you could fit inside the dryer and the
drum collapsed under your weight, snapping your leg like a
twig, slowly coming loose from the gentle motion of your
legs and only waiting the right moment to enter your
bloodstream and pierce your heart. America is a body like
any other, with millions of small mechanisms working for and
against it in ways they couldn't possibly understand, and
there is an element in America that may be small now, but
will one day mature to the point where it will rip the
country apart. In a thousand years, it might just be a blip
on history's map (think about all those small countries and
empires that are never mentioned in text books, the ones
that last for a few hundred years and fade away) .
You can't plan your actions and anticipate the reception
history will one day give you; I'm sure that by his
estimation, Hitler thought about all the textbooks that
would have his image on the cover with the headline "Savior
of the Human Race." In that regard, I respect President Bush
when he says that history will judge his actions in regards
848
to Iraq, but I get the feeling that when he says it, he
means it more in the Hitler sense than in any other.
There are people out there who surround themselves with
well-wishers and suck ups to shield themselves from
criticism, but there ' s only so much laudatory exaltation I
can stand before it gets real old real fast. We all know
that there is nothing special about us; we know it when we
catch ourselves dancing alone in our homes when we know that
no one is watching us and we can get away with being stupid;
we know it when we dispense sage -like advice to
acquaintances and pass ourselves off as wise men when we can
barely remember to put the cap back on the toothpaste; we
know it when we sneeze and just a little bit of snot lands
on your hand that you discretely try to wipe off on an
article of your clothing before anyone notices. We're
translucent .
Still, there isn't one among us who can take criticism
without feeling a little sting of pride in the base of your
ribcage; and we've all got our limits to the beatings we'll
take. As nice a sentiment as "turn the other cheek" is, it's
so hard to practically live by it, that you may as well put
it in a Hallmark card and pass it often to the more gullible
element at Christmastime. We all want to think that we have
something to offer; that our mothers were right about us,
and we are special; that what we say and write is important
849
and future generations will one day read it and wonder at
our magnificence.
That's why I love Rodya so much, because he ' s a good
enough friend to put me back in my place when I get too
uppity, the same with my wife. When you surround yourself
with people that agree with you all the time, it eats at you
like cancer and it poisons your mind from the inside, but,
when you know honest people who are brave enough to tell you
to take the shit out of your mouth long enough to say
something worthwhile, it makes you feel a little safer.
I'm a pretty sick individual, and unless I have people
telling me that I'm wrong, I start to believe the sick
things kicking around my head. Maybe it stems from my self-
loathing belief that, at heart, I really am wrong; either
way, it's heartening to have people tell me that I'm full of
shit .
Goodnight, Rodya Raskolnikov, where ever you are.
Sex Mahoney for President
Friday November 17, 2 06
850
I STARTED FOOLING AROUND WITH TH£ VERTICAL HOLD; W£ GOT THE
MUNCHES SO I MADE SOME SPAGHETTI
Category: Writing and Poetry
When you can't play guitar, it seems like a really cool
thing to do.
Images of rock stars and glory kick about your head, and
it's not hard to imagine yourself as a guitar god, tearing
through screaming solos; however, if you're one of the
people who can play guitar, the moment you pick up a guitar,
in a room of ten people, there are eight other folks who can
play just as well as, if not better than, you.
Nine out of ten people know how to play guitar, and of
those I'd say half will try to take a guitar from whoever is
playing to show off their skills, no matter how they compare
to the person from whom they take the guitar. Of those nine
people, one out of ten of them can play reasonably well;
just about everybody can play "Come As You Are" or your
favorite Beatles song, but it's very rare to find someone
who can competently rock out.
One of the easiest things to do is show everyone how
buffoonish you are, but it's equally impossible to show off
your virtues; try it sometime, and you'll find that there
are just as many people trying to belittle your
851
accomplishments as there are trying to steal your guitar.
There's something inside each of us that wants to prove (to
ourselves, to our mothers, to the high school English
teacher who said you were nothing and that you would never
amount to anything) that we're skilled, or great, or
terrific, or a million other adjectives that people use to
describe genius when they see it.
The only problem is that true genius is a result of luck,
just like being born with Down's syndrome or finding a
hundred dollar bill on your way to work; when people try to
claim credit for genius, they're full of shit; genius just
happens. That's not to say there aren't a lot of competent
people out there who start out better than average and
develop their skills until they're a lot better than you,
but that ' s not genius .
I'm no genius. Sure I can write a witty phrase every now
and again, but I'm no Shakespeare or Dostoevsky; I'd like to
think I'm at least as good as JK Rowling, but I wouldn't
know, because I can't ever bring myself to read more than a
few pages of her at a time (the obsession with Harry Potter
remains a complete fucking mystery, and I tried, believe me,
I've got a 100 page rule for every book I've ever read; if
the author can't do it after 100 pages, then I gracefully
bow out - which is why I've never finished "The Bell Jar"
after three attempts) ; however, I work hard to develop my
852
ability as a writer the same way that I once developed my
masturbatory technique. Today it's just as easy to run off a
thousand words, as it is to shoot off a quick load. Which of
the two is better for public consumption? Well, if I wrote
this on paper, then I suppose you could at least feed
yourself off the pages should you wake up stranded on a
desert island with nothing but this blog, but since it's
written on a computer, you can't even get the nutrients from
the pages on which this would otherwise print; on the other
hand, my semen is loaded with protein, and I've been told it
tastes very sweet. I wouldn't know, my masturbatory skills
are so great that it's been a long time since I've shot
myself in the mouth.
Still, I'm no different from a million other people who
churn out piece after piece of crappy prose (or poetry,
which is usually a million times worse) and post it on
Myspace for mass edification. I have found many competent
writers out there, and a few really good ones, but it took
months of reading the crappiest crap that's ever been
crapped on a crappy computer (not to mention blog parties,
to this day, I have a hard time reading comments on the
blogs I enjoy, simply because of those blog parties -
shudder) . I don't want to stop anyone from writing; the way
you develop a craft by practicing over and over, no matter
how crappy the end result - if everyone who sucked when they
started gave up, then I would have ended my writing career
853
with melodramatic stories of people who die leading
pointless lives in the suburbs when I was ten; as it is, I
persevered, and today I can easily write pointless,
melodramatic stories about people who die anywhere.
I sometimes worry, that I'll be stuck working at a job I
hate, that gives me no respect or reward, while my writing
lingers on a shelf for years and years, unread, unwept, and
unsung, but then I remember that even Shakespeare had to
dress up like a woman and caper about in front of drunk
peasants until the day he died, and even though he was
successful during his lifetime, it was nothing compared to
what came later.
People spend so much of their time feeling worthless, or
ill equipped for particular situations, that I don't mind
giving up the guitar if they want to play; it makes me
happier to see someone else enjoying themselves than to
engage in petty fights over a piece of wood and some brass
strings . What bothers me about people who steal your guitar
is that they generally do it for the same reason that all
artists produce... to meet chicks. I don't mind that so much
either, because, while they're struggling through "Over the
Hills and Far Away" I have time to give their paramours
plenty of nutrients and a little extra sweetness for the
next guy they kiss. I've accepted that I'm no genius, but
I'm still a real bastard.
854
Sex Mahoney for President
Monday November 20, 2 06
855
Muzzie to muzzle now anything Goes
Category: Life
The best part about life is that it never stops until
you're dead, it's also the worst thing, but I'm not here to
split hairs; as someone much wiser than I once said: "I'm
here to drink beers and act queer." [Cough] "I mean beat
queers, beat queers."
Homophobia aside, my favorite holiday is rapidly
approaching (in America) and I will not be able to
participate in this year's festivities. Thanksgiving is a
wonderful holiday, no presents, no songs, no crappy sweaters
with pictures of reindeer on them, just food and lots of it.
If there's a better holiday, I haven't heard of it.
Christmas blows, if for nothing else but the music; sure,
there are some really good Christmas songs out there
(Dominic the Donkey, motherfuckers), but the majority of
them suck so bad, they make me want to listen to Christian
Rock; you know, the kind where they take a regular song and
replace "baby" with "Jesus." (Unfortunately, Jesus doesn't
rhyme so well with lady, there is of course please us, but
that doesn't sound right in my newest single for the gay
Christian rap community Somebody done been fucking Jesus -
we got fifteen year old bitches to please us) . Every year,
856
around Christmas time, I feel so depressed I want to plotz;
hopefully, that will change this year; the last two
Christmas ' s, I found myself on my bicycle in the 40 degree
rain while people in gigantic SUV's splash me as I ride
along the shoulder of a highway (if you've never been to
America, bike traffic is most certainly not encouraged, even
in developed areas, you'll go ten miles between sidewalks) .
The worst thing about Christmas is the presents; there is
nothing in the world that makes me feel more uncomfortable
than someone giving me a present. I have no idea how to
respond to that situation. Usually, I'm too embarrassed to
make some kind of sarcastic quip, so I just pretend to like
it, no matter how stupid it is (Oh! You got me a ten-gallon
drum of Gak! Just what I wanted) . Clothes as presents are
just as bad, but I can't really bad mouth that, because, if
it wasn't for my mother and grandparents buying me "big boy"
clothes, I wouldn't have such snazzy outfits today;
seriously, I got really tall when I was young, and I haven't
really grown in any direction since I was about 14 (although
my pants ARE tightening; however, I think it has more to do
with the quality of cum swapping porn these days than any
real growth in my stomach) .
New Years usually ends up being disappointing (I'm just
not into drinking holidays) , but I find it odd that we have
a holiday, but there's no food for it. If it's a holiday,
857
there should be a food associated with it; that's the way-
holiday's work. The food should also be symbolic of the
holiday, like the tree shaped cookies people make at
Christmas, and the chocolate eggs that people eat around
Easter; New Years should have foods that accentuate the
theme of the holiday. Eggs of all kinds, chicken, caviar,
and pigeon; unfortunately, human eggs are too small to eat
as is, so you have to let them gestate a little bit before
you can get a really good meal out of them. Hey, if people
are getting abortions anyway, why let the fetus go to waste
when, with a nice horseradish sauce, you can make it
visually appealing and ultra-delicious.
Maybe New Years is more fun for single people, because
there ' s always the possibility of bringing home a very drunk
girl who's ready to settle. After the holiday malaise that
most people experience, it's even easier than usual to swoop
in and snatch up lass with poor self esteem. I'm married, it
takes all the fun out of hooking up with someone on New
Years; sure, all you single folks get to tryst off to your
bachelor pads (or the nearest convenient back alley) , but I
have to sneak out on my wife before the ball drops for New
Years sex (and prostitutes charge double on holidays... the
nerve) .
My feelings on Valentine's day are well known; buying
flowers chocolate for your spouse or significant other is
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about as lame as it gets. If you want someone to make a
romantic gesture toward you, then just go visit a comic
book/television/role playing convention; I'm sure you will
easily find someone who will sit in a tree outside your
house and burn their name in gasoline on your front lawn.
Does anyone else see the irony in getting laid on the
celebration day of a Catholic Saint who preached abstinence,
except in the case of procreation?
St Patrick's Day. A papist holiday? Sure, whatever. The
most religious anyone ever gets on St. Patrick's Day is
saying "Oh, God" right before they vomit on your shoes. No
gays in the parade though, we wouldn't want a bunch of
sissies demeaning our parade as we march through town in
kilts and play bag pipes - the musical equivalent of a cock
and balls (No offense, though, I love bag pipe music and
there's nothing more rocking than a bagpipe/banjo duet) .
You'll notice that all but one of the holidays mentioned
so far are religious holidays; of course, there are holidays
thrown in the middle there, like President's Day, MLK day,
Groundhog Day, and many more, but people don't celebrate
secular holidays like they do religious holidays, unless you
get a day off work, in which case people do their best to
live up to the virtues of that day.
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Like Memorial Day (I'm skipping ahead here, so if you
want to hear my hilarious send up of Easter, just skip to
the next paragraph and then come back up, or you can just
imagine that you read something really funny about Easter
and if anyone asks you what it is, just tell them it's none
of their business, no matter how much they pester you; it
will drive them insane. I imagine that's what the early
apostles felt when they were hiding in the hills, with a
desiccated corpse, outside of Jerusalem, when people came to
inspect Jesus' tomb. You can still here them laughing today,
every time someone opens a package of marshmallow peeps and
bites into one thinking: "Sure they were terrible last year,
but how bad could they really be?"), when people all over
America celebrate the fallen soldiers by going to the beach
and revealing pound after pound of revolting, pasty flesh
and pelt-like hairy backs (and that's just the women,
zing!) . What better way to show your respect for the people
who died for your freedom than to offer discounts on expired
ground beef and last year's Fourth of July fare.
I always hear people like Bill O'Reilly talking about the
"War on Christmas" about how Jews and secular humanists want
to take the Christ out of Christmas, but you never hear them
standing up to defend Easter, and if there's one religious
holiday that's almost as sacrilegious as St. Patrick's Day,
it's Easter. Sure, there may be a war on Christmas, but I
still see people with Christmas lights in their yard
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(sometimes until November of the next year) ; when is the
last time you saw someone crucify an emaciated Jew on their
front lawn? It doesn't happen, because America has lost its
way.
As much as I want to continue bad mouthing holidays, it
does a disservice to my argument that Thanksgiving is the
best Holiday of the year if I only bash the other holidays.
Thanksgiving has three things going for it:
1. It's a harvest festival; therefore, it is rooted
in pagan traditions of fornication and gluttony; two
elements essential for holiday fun.
2 . There ' s nothing funnier than sticking a turkey
on your head and running around a house scaring children
(sure, you may say that you can stick a turkey on your head
any time, but where are you going to find that many captive
little children without an unmarked white van and a huge bag
of candy?)
3. There's no better way to show you're thankful
for the bounty you receive during a year, than by stuffing
your fat, American face with all the food that children in
Africa will never get to eat (Mwaa ha ha) .
I'm really going to miss Thanksgiving this year; if
anyone wants to bake a chocolate pecan pie for me, save it
until I come home or feed it to your pets; those orphans
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will get my pie when they pry it out of my cold, gluttonous
hands .
Sex Mahoney for President
Tuesday November 21, 2 06
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