an Over Machine
Patrick McGeown on how he
brought an errant machine into line
Techonology is causing me problems. I
Itiink I underslard the mosi simple of
instructions ti-ut sometimes these in-
structions leave me lost. They lool^
eimpie, The salesman says they're simple. Eui
in the end I'm tlie one ieft (e$ling simple, i Iibv&
to confess i find very littis Of today's modern
technology simple to u ndeistand.
SomelifTiBs I watch videos. I am fortunate to
have other audio visual, wonders — and each
has its cwn ferrate controi, Five remaies in a
rcw. Tine tefevision, video, laser disc. Iii-ti and
satellite. It i want to Slop the wideo 1 have to St udy
each remcte control carefully and then d&cide
which is the tight one In use. But sometimes a
phone caii vnll requi-re me to stop the wdeo
rriac^ine quickly. And in tliat momeriiiof hasie all
controls, look the same and I er^d up pressing all
five until I find the rig hi one. Friends don't under-
stand the stress l e>iperiencB just by answering
a phone.
My camera is big . The salesman sditi rtid the
largef size with lots o1 tiuttons and dials tte-
cause be ^id al was the best one for me. I
agre&d. He recognised a man □! intelligence
when he saw ms. And anyway the camera
lookeid. impressive. I read the insHuetionB. Cam-
era instriiclions are easy tor some people —
pQssibSy photogfaphqis who work wrtti cam-
eras evsry day of their lives, I knew I had tosiudy
the instruclicrs very, very caietully. They took a
long time to understand. I read, re-read and
read again When I understood them to the best
of my abi;iity I iCQk some photographs. They
turned out quite shabby indeed, and then it was
a month before I used the camera again. I forgot
what todo. And hadto read the instructions once
again. How boring. There is nnore to dn in life
than reading camera instructions. So now I lake
pot luck. Pol luck doesn't wciflt. Too many dials,
the viewfinder has too many flashing red and
green Hghts, and I have too little patienca. Film
IS another prcblem. The sales assistant asks, do
Just as I was closing the baclt
hanging foul off a big metal
Just near was a lonely looking
into socket. They connected, I
I want a 100 Of £00 fitm. I just smile with a
mifibless gare and nod.
My video and hi-tii have aiectrcnic ciocits.
Gnceuponatimeisotthem But evary lime we'd
have a power biack-out they'd revert to double
zero's and scream tor resetting. I got bored witti
gearchng for the instructions. New the clocks
just flash. In my homa I havs six pieces of
equipment that have convenient electronic
ciDGkB. Tney are all flashing. So every day 1 am
reminded how simple I am- Manufacturers
shouict make signs may you can stick under the
clock; "ThtB person is stupid and cannot set an
electronic clock."
I have a lovefy computer. Everything func-
tions perfectly until I gel a new pr&grarr.. Then
the real irout;ie starts. Forexainple I bought the
CD game, Retuiff io Zcfk. No marer what I did
J couldn't get it to work. The man in the shop
testediton his machine. Itworked perfectly. The
computer company that I bought the computer
from insisted noWiing was wrong with the com-
puter; it was the CD. 1 re-read the instructions
Kcnding ihii
iHolt heljwd
me unilentind
that came with the game, end spent hours
changing configurations. I gave up, The CD sits
in my drawer as a constant reminder of my
inferior intelligence.
My computer has a CD-BOM drive. To make
it work I need a program called Sound Blaster.
The msn said it would be easy to install. And if
of the computer I noticed a wire
thing, It looked quite lonely^
socket. I married the two. Wire
had won. I turned on tlie inacriine.
I had any problems all I had to do was double
check my CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT
til&s. Easy, he said. It certainty sounded easy.
Once home I was like a boy with a new toy. I
installed the new program, and the computer
sent me a message. The imeasage was simple
anrj Clear tiut meant absoijlely nothing to me.
I hunted for the books Ihat came with the com-
LIVING 28
pofricfc
puter \o try and decipher it. L spent hours doing
averyghing the books salO It still di«3n'|ifl/ork. So
it was off lo Pantip Pl^a to buy a Iwtt^r and
easier book to undeistand-
M the bQukshop in Panii p I asked to see ihe
manager prrvalely and whisperad to him I was
having great problens with the program ihai
runs fhe CD ROM flrrvfl. He directed me to the
range of books for dummies. Ves, for dummies.
Never i.r my years ot rnarketing woulct I have
ev^r the ught a title wou Id s ucceed if it itjentified
Us target as djmrnies. So I Inoked dt th$ l:iDOk:
MiiHimedia S CD-ROMs FofDummfss. I was so
em barrassed. What if my frien ds saw me Or my
siudenis irom university. Or, worse stiill, my
eamput-sr client. How I wish&d I'd worn dark
glasses and a coat. The shop assistant too had
a&mirtf on herface. Iithlnk shewassayir^g, Took
at that stupid man,"
Bui I was farced to buy this book. I had to >get
mycompjlargoing, and I can do it myself, I'H say
It DDce ar>d say it a Hiousand times: a ccinputer
Js a machine and it is not going to get the belter
of me. So I bought the book for dummfea. Then
the s.hop assistant placed the book in a dear
plastic bag tor the whole world lo see. This was
jusi too m uch J read ttie book. Simple and easy
to understand. And I did everything ttie book
said. Qut still the CD- ROM drive wouldn't work.
I changed those funny Irtle CONFIG.SYS and
AUTOEXEC.BAT files Just like the book said.
San^e problem. I wasted 20 Irustrating hours
trying to flat that CD-ROM lo work.
A han dyman doesn'i Qive up. I did what most
inieSligent people would do. I removed Itie back off
tha computer. Looking Osep into its brain I saw
some computer boards wilfi lots of wires and other
things I can't describe. I aJso noticed aome ttO)^
looking things with wire belts hanging oft them.
TTiey oertainly looked all right lo me. I don't know
wtiat I expected toflnd — nor did i know what i was
looking at. Perhaps if i had found a dead rat or a
bird's nest I would have insiarly seen the problem
and rectified it-
Just as I was Closing the back of the computer I
noticed a wire hanging foul off a big malal thing. It
iooked quite Isnely. Just near was a Jonely looking
socket. I married the twc. Wire into socket. They
connected, l had won. I turned or
the machine.
When electricity travels to a des-
tination it isn't meant to it lets you
know quickly. A bang, a wee puff of
amoke and a shudder. The CD-
ROM still didn't work. Nor did tho
computer
The computer looked okay on
|he cutSidB_ The man ir the shop
took the back off the wretched ma-
chiine and shook his head. He ex-
claimed, "Wihat happenect here?" I
was not about ID destroy my cred-
ibility as a human being — and I was
certainly not about to tell him the
truth. I told him a neighbourhood
technician tried to lix it. He shook his P«tri* WcCeownwurb in odvertidng
head and said. "-He must be ar and ktlures in ndrntisins of
idiot." I nodded In agreeinent. Romkhamlneng Un«er^.
1
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