By Kenneth K. Uglow, Jr,
piTHrw - icus erectus
Fithihammicus Erectus is that species of man known as
the Radio Amateur, He is to "be found almost anywhere other men
are found "but spends most of his time at his radio station.
He can sometimes bj£ recognized by his very unhealthy
appearence, a result of his not^spending enough time eating and
His most charactistic age is about eighteen, at which
time his activity is at its peak.
At about nineteen years of age he begins to spend his
time with members of the opposite sex, A&so his money.
He usually marries near the age of about twenty-one, and
then is soon spending as nuch time with his radio activities as
when he was eighteen, much to the disgust of his wife.
His death is similar to everyone else's, putting a
merciful end to his eccentric. '.life.
Pithiham&ieus EJrectus is a species of Homo Sapiens more
commonly referred to as the Radio Amatuer, or just plain "Ham,"
It is found almost anywhere at almost any hour. Its most freq-
uent habitat is a room, lovingly referred to as "The Shack", of
almost any size or location, usuall^ covered to a depth of about
two feet with a miscellaneous aggregate of tubes, meters, wires,
and beer bottles,
As for physical characteristics, pithihammicuB erectus
is usually between five feet, six inches and six feet, six inches
in height. It is either lean and hungry looking, or fat and
tired looking, but under no circumstances well built or muscular.
Its average age is between sixteen and sixty-four years,
Our specimen is usually ripe at the age of about eight-
een, at which time it is clothed with the impression that radio
is the most joyful, necessary, and expensive of all material
creations. However, the expense is overlooked by him in favor
of the other qualities, and hence our Ham's pockets are always
full of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and numerous rare gases,
but never money.
As our specimen reaches about nineteen years of age, it
has heard rumors that there are other kinds of peo;le in the world
besides boys and men, namely girls, and its scientific curiousity
and other things encourage our Ham to go in search of a girl, or
girls, and if possible, to date her or them.
The law of averages being what it is, our specimen
finds itself neglecting its radio operating activities for certain
coeducational diversions. At the age of approximately twenty our
specimen is clothed in the impression that girls (he now refers to
them as "women") are the most joyful, necessary, and expensive
creation in the world. Its pockets greatly resemble their condition
at the eighteenth year of its life span, namely, entirely devoid
of coin of the realm.
At the age of twenty-one, our little specimen has been
made a member of that great and honorable institution, marriage f
»s the woman concerned does not suspect the true nature of the
object of her affections. After marriage our specimen slowly
but surely begins to cievpte more and more time to its olc" 1 love,
Hadio. After several its mate, now a wife in name only, won-
i ers why she became married in the first place, and so does our
in, as the chiliftren (the little darlings) playfully roll his new
tube up and down the living room rug.
On the other hand, it is possible that the mate be con-
verted to the species pithihammicus erectus, in which case our
little ham slowly starves to death as his beloved now spends all
of her time in the radio station and none in the kitchen. Sow-
ever, this is immaterial, as by now the entire family budget is
is spent for radio equipment, and there is no food in the kitchen
Thus it is that pithihammicus leads a turbulent, interest-
ing, and pointless life, at the end of which he will be planted un-
der a little chunk of marble which will be just like everyone else's
little chunk of marble, only smaller, and no one knows that he was
not normal," sane, and happy, even as you and I.