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Full text of "Pithihammicus erectus"

PITHIHAmaCUS ERECTUS 



&//2/4I 

By Kenneth K. Uglow, Jr, 



piTHrw - icus erectus 

Fithihammicus Erectus is that species of man known as 
the Radio Amateur, He is to "be found almost anywhere other men 
are found "but spends most of his time at his radio station. 

He can sometimes bj£ recognized by his very unhealthy 
appearence, a result of his not^spending enough time eating and 

sleeping, 

ft 

His most charactistic age is about eighteen, at which 

time his activity is at its peak. 

At about nineteen years of age he begins to spend his 
time with members of the opposite sex, A&so his money. 

He usually marries near the age of about twenty-one, and 
then is soon spending as nuch time with his radio activities as 
when he was eighteen, much to the disgust of his wife. 

His death is similar to everyone else's, putting a 
merciful end to his eccentric. '.life. 



PITHIH EECTUS 

HABITAT 
Pithiham&ieus EJrectus is a species of Homo Sapiens more 
commonly referred to as the Radio Amatuer, or just plain "Ham," 
It is found almost anywhere at almost any hour. Its most freq- 
uent habitat is a room, lovingly referred to as "The Shack", of 
almost any size or location, usuall^ covered to a depth of about 
two feet with a miscellaneous aggregate of tubes, meters, wires, 
and beer bottles, 

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS 

As for physical characteristics, pithihammicuB erectus 
is usually between five feet, six inches and six feet, six inches 
in height. It is either lean and hungry looking, or fat and 
tired looking, but under no circumstances well built or muscular. 
Its average age is between sixteen and sixty-four years, 

ACTIVITIES 

Our specimen is usually ripe at the age of about eight- 
een, at which time it is clothed with the impression that radio 
is the most joyful, necessary, and expensive of all material 
creations. However, the expense is overlooked by him in favor 
of the other qualities, and hence our Ham's pockets are always 
full of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and numerous rare gases, 
but never money. 

As our specimen reaches about nineteen years of age, it 
has heard rumors that there are other kinds of peo;le in the world 
besides boys and men, namely girls, and its scientific curiousity 
and other things encourage our Ham to go in search of a girl, or 



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girls, and if possible, to date her or them. 

The law of averages being what it is, our specimen 
finds itself neglecting its radio operating activities for certain 
coeducational diversions. At the age of approximately twenty our 
specimen is clothed in the impression that girls (he now refers to 
them as "women") are the most joyful, necessary, and expensive 
creation in the world. Its pockets greatly resemble their condition 
at the eighteenth year of its life span, namely, entirely devoid 
of coin of the realm. 

At the age of twenty-one, our little specimen has been 
made a member of that great and honorable institution, marriage f 
»s the woman concerned does not suspect the true nature of the 
object of her affections. After marriage our specimen slowly 
but surely begins to cievpte more and more time to its olc" 1 love, 
Hadio. After several its mate, now a wife in name only, won- 
i ers why she became married in the first place, and so does our 

in, as the chiliftren (the little darlings) playfully roll his new 
tube up and down the living room rug. 

On the other hand, it is possible that the mate be con- 
verted to the species pithihammicus erectus, in which case our 
little ham slowly starves to death as his beloved now spends all 
of her time in the radio station and none in the kitchen. Sow- 
ever, this is immaterial, as by now the entire family budget is 
is spent for radio equipment, and there is no food in the kitchen 
anyhow. 

DEATH 

Thus it is that pithihammicus leads a turbulent, interest- 
ing, and pointless life, at the end of which he will be planted un- 
der a little chunk of marble which will be just like everyone else's 
little chunk of marble, only smaller, and no one knows that he was 



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not normal," sane, and happy, even as you and I.