Copyright Patrick HcGeown 1987
RAILROADED
A One Act Play
CHARACTERS :
BLAWCH EGAN:
MINNIE WENT:
CLARRIE BEE CHAMP
HELEN JASPER:
Local town gossip, cunning, stirrer, diEliked,
early f i f t ies .
Likeable, gullible, sweet but not too naive.
Club foot with constant limp. Seventies,
Frustrated actor. Bright and happy. Early
thirties.
Stern and forceful. Hid fifties.
Copyright Patrick McGeowia 1987
PO Box 893
Potts Point
NSW 2011
AUSTRALIA
Phone; [02) 335024
Copyright Patrick HcGeown 1*87 Pag* 1
BCKm 1
Scene opens with CLARRIE reading a letter he has dust wiitten, he
Is holding a biro, sitting cross legged on tlooi in his bedroom.
Coiner of bed is only visible prop on stage, which Is almost In
darkness. Voice Oven.
CLARRIE 'S
VOICE: Dear Aunt MIN, you will oniy be reading this letter
in the event of Bomethlng going wrong. You will
have known q± our plan, that ia me and HELEH JASPER,
to rid this town of that bitch, BLANCH EGAK. I
could not tell you of this as I know you would not
condone our actions. You brought me up to love
people and when HELEN became my godmother she taught |,
me to beware of people. Unfortunately I became
beware (CROSSES out BEWARE) Unfortunately I became ^
aware of BLAKCH too late, as with most of the town
but now I can free myself, not with an act of
vengance,** ►(LOOKS UP) yes with an act of v«ngance . ]
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick HcGeovn 1987 Page 2
8CEM£ 2
The scene opens In BLANCH'S living room. Ho Taste,
Loung«, old stetec, table and chairs . Phone PS on wall*
BLANCH playing patienct. Knock at door. BLANCH turns sharply
OP. Tip toes to doDi [just visible) and peeps into peephole.
Door knock again. She tip toes ovez to phone and takes It off
hook .
BLANCH; Yes, who is it?
MINNIE: It's lie BLANCH.
BLANCH: Who Is It please, I can't racognlze the voice.
MIMHIE: It's roe, MINNIE:, your friend MINNIE,
BLANCH: Hold on, I'm just on the phone. <BLANCH PICKS UP
MAGAZINE, AND SLOWLY WALKS TO THE DOOR READING)
Is It you MINNIE?
MINNIE:
Ves, it's me KIKNIE.
Copyzlght Patrick McOeown 1947 Page 3
BLANCH: <OPENE DOOR, VOICE IS ALMOST EtCKENlNO OhJ , hello
MINNIE, how are you dear?^ look I^in just on the phone,
STD call.
MIMNIE; SDEiy BLANCH. I JQftt wanted to know 1£ you need
anything at the shops .
BLANCH; (WALKS OVER TO PHONE t No thanks.
KINNIE: I made you one of my fruit cakes, I'll just put It on
the table and b« off.
BLANCH; (PICKS UP PHONE) Sorry It wsB « fri«nd. Yes I
Ant inteiested In helping disabled children. (GLANCES AT
MINNIE WHO HAS WALKED OVER TO TABLE, TAKEN CAXE OUT OF
TROLLEY AND PLACES ON TABLE)
I only osk that you keep my donation quiet as I ptefftr
my giving tp be per sonal ... .yes ........,, yes
MIHNIIS: (WHISP£RSJ Bye, bye oee you later.
EXIT MINNIE
Copyright Pattlck HcGeovn 1987 Page 4
BLANCH: (ONCE DOOR HAS CLOSED BEHIND MINNIE, BLANCH REPLACES
RECEIVER, WALKS OVER TO TABLE^ PICKS UP CAKE, SNIFFS
IT AND DROPS IT INTO BIN. SITS DOWN AND CONTINUES
CARD GAH£.
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick HcGeovn 1997 Page 5
SCEHE 3
A£teznDon same day. CARt)ftBAR Railway Station platform. One long
bench seat, noticeboard vrith tiinetable, toilet door, round bowl
light. Clpc)t . Station sign. CLARRIE enters PS wearing railway
employees uniform*
CLARRIE: (SINGINGJ Casey Jones, steamln' and a rollln'
Casey Jones ^ you never have to quess,
Casey Jones, steamln' and a rollin'
It's Casey at the throttle of the cannonball express
Da da <Ja dum^ da da da dum, da da da dum, da-da-da-da
(LOOKS OP AND SEE'S MINNIE APPHOACMIHG, MINNIE IS
STILL OFF STAGE. GETS OH ONE KNEE AND SING5 TO HER
TO THE TUNE OF ''MAMMIE".
Hinnle ..... Minnie
The sun shines east, the sun shines west
r know where the sun shines best
Minnie, . , , .Minnie
ENTER MI»MIE
I'd walk a million miles foi one of your smilea
My Minnie
Copyright Patrick KcOeovn 1967 Page G
HINHIB; (BKBARRASBED, tCKMCIHG AROUNP) Oh CLARRIE, someone could
have seen you. (CLARRIE GIVES MINNIE A KISS, PULLE
TROLLEl, BOTH SIT ON BENCH),
CLARRIS: I vlsh someone would Aunt Mln^ I night be famous, oh
but to be discovered,
MINNIE: You are famous CLARRIE, not many boys your aq* have risen
to the heights of assistant stationmaster *
CLABRIE: Yes I suppose you're light, I have fame and don't
realize it. But then again seeing there are only tvo
o£ uft who work here one might look upon me as the
lackey.
HIHKIE: Not me. You^te number one in Biy «yftft.
CLARRIE: Thank's Aunt Min, It's nice to know I'li loved, but
I can tell you of sameone who doesn't share your
feel ings .
HIMHtE: CLARRIE, if your refer ing to BLANCH EGAH 1 don't want
to heat about it. (SIGH) I don't know why you have a
dislike for hei - she's good to mel
Copyright Patrick NcGeovn 1967 Page 7
CLMtmt: Tou Hay not hav« noticed but since HELEN
JASPER has been away that woman has been picking on
mr. She Is such a bitch.
MIHHIC: CLARRIE/ a zesentment agalnat e one one grovs like a
cancer. t£ you wouldn't entertain her in your home
why entertain her in your head? (SHAKES HEAD, CAN'T
BELIEVE SHE HAS JUST SAID IT)
CLARRIE: (SMILES HE CAU'T BELIEVE SHE JUST SAID IT) She's still
a bitch. (TO THE TUNE OF WILLIAM TELL 0/TURE) bttch
da da bitch da da bitch bitch bitch da da bitch da da
bitch da da bitch bitch bitch da da bitch da da bitch
da da bitch bitch bitch da..,. da bitch bitch bitch
(CLARRIE BEAMING)
HINNTE: (CLAPPING, BEAKIHG) OllhhhJ you're such a
talent but CLARRIE, she's not a b.
CLMRIB; I just can't understand you at times AXWT HIM, why aia
you friends with her?
MINNIE: Vhy am I friends with her?, because she's my friend,
that's why, Bvezyone has a few bad points.
Copyright PatcJck HcGeown 1967 Pagt 8
CLARRIE: Bad points, she has more bad points than the old
school bus>
MINNIE: (CONFUSED SHAKES HEAD t
(SHARPLY) What are you doing tonight?
CLAKRFE: Nothing much, why what's on*
HINNIE: I'm calling bingo at the church hall If yotfM like to
come down for a few games.
CLMitlX; Ahhh aunt MIN, I forgot, I have sone xevlsLon to flo
on the new t imetabLe/you know It's pretty heavy
stuff.
HtWNIE: (LAUGHS) T love Seeing you seaEch for vorda (BOTH
LAUGH AS MINNIE GETS UP J Don't forget to call in
Bometime CLAEHIE, I'm atlll living at the sane
addEe&B , Bye love
CLARRIE: Bye AUHT HIN.
EXIT MINNIE, CLARRIE STAYS SEATED DEEP IK THOUGHT
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick HcGeovn 1987 Page 9
8CEHE 4
The BCfthe opens to the stage in darkness. BLANCH'S house ^
Phone ringing. Early macnlng 1 am,
BLANCH: (SLEEPY AND ANGRY) That bloody phone. Hang on !•■
coming {FALLS OVER BIN) ah shltl,, .bloody stupid
thing, if that phone stops (PULLS LIGHT CORD WITH ONE HAND
LIFTS RECEIVER WITH OTHER, TOPPLED BIN WITH CAKE
SPEWED OVER FLOOR IS OBVIOUS)
(SUSPICIOUSLY) Hello, BLANCH EGAN speaking. (AHNOVSD]
Who iB this? ..... .what do you mean, never mind . tt
happens to be, (LOOKS AT WATCH) one o'clock In the
morning. ... I 'm not in the mood fot Eun and ganes. .so t
will blfl you a good ...*.. + ,»,,,,,.,,, what was
that... , HELEN JASPER * *ye3 I know her, she's a
good friend no wait, what what what?... you don't
like her well you're about the oniy person I know
who shares my feelings - I hate her guts. That's
putting it mildly - who are you7. ...,,,, ,1 see, but why
do, you want revenge? .....,.,..,, .she what, she
had your practice Investigated - the bltchl
Copyright Patrick HcGeown 19B7 Page 10
Tour'ie a doctor then^.^.^and she had your name struck
off the roll, she is a trouble maker y^^f
I agree she has to be stopped - any Euggestions? . . . . -
Oooohhhh* ..*.., that ' s nice .....,,.»,....... .w-h-a-t
(LAUGHS) you are full oE
good ideas she what?... (LAUGHS)
leave It to me..., Wh«n does she arrive?
-, I see, (IDEA) Why did you approach me?
..*..,«..,,...,.. .she has a big mcuth, I never did
anything like that. .well thankyou* It's
nice to talk to a gentleman for once
Don't worry about that, my ILps are sealed...
. . . .you will call , , . . , hello.
• hello (CLICKS SWITCH HOOKS UP AND DOWW) .hello, .hello
(TIDIES UP HAIR, PICKS UP RECEIVER AND DIALS NUMBER
come on answer
(HUMS STBAKGERS IN THE NIGHTJ ah! MARY, sorry to
disturb your beauty sleep at this UNGODLY hour but
what 1 have to tell you can't wait
BLACKOUT
copyright Patrick McGeown 1987 Page 11
SCENE 5
Twenty inlnutcB later BLANCH'S living room. She is on phone
She has changed posture.
BLANCH:
There are only a few selected people 1 have taken into
Biy confidence and you are one of them ROSE. I want
you to keep this quiet just the same way I kept your
affalt quiet. ...*,.. .oh ROSE I've never told a soul
anyway, (HATRED) she'll wish 3he had never set' foot
back In this town.
BLACKOUT
Copyright Fatclck HcCeown 1987 Page 12
SCENE 6
BLARCH'S living roon, hftl£ hour later. She la on phone. BLANCH
has changed poatar^ .
BLANCH: I know what you mean DAPHNE but I'm going to take the
gamble nornkally I would hang up hut he sounded ao
fiincere, yes a doctor, (ADJUSTS HAIS), I suppose we
all taJte a gamble at times, remember the time you blew
the kids lunch money on bingo (LAU£3EIS) . « « ^ ^ . . , .
oh DAPHNE!
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick HcG«awR 1997 Pag* 13
SCEHE T
BLANCH'S living room lOatn that marnlng. BLANCH sitting on edge
of table looking at phone on wall*
BLANCH; I wish someone would ring itie tip, why do I always have
to cto the phoning, (KNOCK AT DOOR) Yea who is it?
HIKMIB: It's ffie BLANCH.
BLANCH: Who Is it please, I can't recognize the voice,
HIKHIS; It's me, MINNIE, your friend MINNIE, I We come to get
your washing.
BLAHCH: Hang on HINHIE, I'll b« right with you (BLAHCH EXITS PS
AND RETURNS WITH GARBAGE BAG FULL OF WASHING, GOES TO DOOR
OPENS HALF WAY AND PASSES WASHING OUT TO HINNIE.
MINNIE HAS HER CLUE FOOT IN DOOH TRYING TO GET IN
BUT BLANCH KEEPS DOOR BARELY OPEN)
Minnie, I ' rn sorty I can't stop and talk but I'm having
one of my migraines again.
Copyright Patrick HcGeovn 1967 Page 14
HIHHIE: (1»ISC>eRING> Don't you worry a thing BLAUCH,
I'll get these done by the morrov, you get that light
out (MINNIE PUTS HER HAND AROUND CORNER AND TURNS OFF
LOUHGE LIGHT! and off to bed. Is there anything I
can get you love?
BLANCH: Ho you're a treasure aa it Is, thanlcs MINNIE. (CLOSES
DOOH, TURNS LIGHT BACK ON, SHAKES HEAD, RETURNS TO
TABLE MID SITS, DOOH KNOCKS AGAIN)
Yes who is It?
HINiriE: It's me BLANCH, MINNIE, your friend MINNIE, MINNIE
ttCNT.
BLANCH; (FOLLS EYES IN DISGUST, MOVES TO DOOR, C>UTS OUT LIGHT,
OPENS DOOR HALFWAY, MINNIE'S CLUB FOOT APPEARS IN
DOOR, MINNIE POKING FLOWERS THROUGH GAP IN DOOR J
(SICKLY) Yea MIN what is It what . . . vhat . . . .
HINHIB: The flower man was just here and I thought it might be
best Lf I deliver them you know because of your
mlgrln head. I don't know who they ace,,.. ,
Copyright Patrick HcGeown 19B7 Pa9« 15
BLANCH; Thankyou Minni«, I know who sent them. ., (CLOSES DOOR,
PUTS ON LIGHT, GUSHES TO TABLE AND PULLS ENVELOPE
APART WITH GREAT HASTE, READS CARD),,,.
(SHOCKED} Who sent these. To dear BLANCHr from
a secret admirer (GOES ALL CLUCKY)
OOODOOooohhhhh, (ADJUSTS HAIR, FIDGITY)
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick McOeovn 19G7 Page 16
CARDABAR Railway Station, 2pin that day, MINNIE walks aXcng
platform pulling trolley.
HIMNIE: CLARRIE, CLAFRIE are you honK7
CLARRIE: (OFF STAGE! Hey, Aunt MIN, a ray oE sunshine (ENTER
CLARRIE PS) has just brightened my day. (GIVES Heh
A KISS, BOTH SIT ON BENCH J you, haven't changed a bit
since yesterday.
HimtlS: You're a vag, (COHCBRIT^) I'm not holding yott up an I?
CLARRIE: You never hold me up, besides I'm stationinaster £or a
week (SUDDENLY » want a free ticket?
HIHNIE; Stationmaster, I'm so proud, oh CLARRIE a free ticket^
you'd get ine shot, I ^d be a nervous wreck if
I ever used a free ticket I'd rather
pay, thanks anyway statlonmaster . I remember when
your grandfather was statlonmaster It was different
In those days of toursc, he used to let me help hJip
with the signals, I knew every switch and lever In the
place .
Copyclght Patrick HcGeovn 1967 Pa9e 17
CLARRIE: {LAUGHS) Is that a hlnt?l I'll let you de-rail a few
loco "& through the week, where have you been anyway?
KIKHIEe Just had to pop down to th« shops and get « few
things. I ran out of soap In the middle of washing
the clothes, so here I am just called In for a chat
CLARSIE: Xunt MIK, just out of Interest^ you're not otill
washing whatsherfacea clothes,
HINNIE; If you nuan BLANCH EGAN, please have the
decency to call her by name. To answeE youx
question, yea, I still wash her clothes. I can't
understand you at tlraea, you never complained when I
used to wash HELEN JASPER'S things, I'm not one for
double standards where friends are concerned.
CLARRIBt Aunt MIN, slow down, please. It's just that I think
she is using you, for a start HELEN JASPER used to let
you use her washing machine in her housej. you do all
of BLANCH EGAKS by hand, pay for the soap, yoat hot
water and**.*,, [LOUDLYK,and youi timel
Copyright Patilclc HcGeovn 19ftT Pa^e Itt
HINNIE: A few odds and ends throvn in with my things, I like
washing, besides it »ceeps me out of mlschieE, just let
ne be CLAPRIE, I'^m big enough and ugly enough to look
after unyselE.
CLARHIEj (BRIEF SILENCE, THEN LAUGHTER) You said It not me!
MINNIE: (LAUGHING, GIVES HIM A SLAP) Kow tell me, what have you
been doing with yourself?
CLMtRIBi Nothing worth writing hoae about* *0h ¥«■! I was a good
lad and helped the ladles at the Country
Womens Association move their piano.
KIHiriBj Oh bless your little cotton sochs but (SEARCHING}
*....CLARRIE I thought you didn't like BLANCH EGAN,
she Is the president of the CWA you know.
CLASRIE: A mere monkent of compassion on my part dear Aunt KIK,
how could I let six old dears lift that paino off the
back of a ute, besides the dragon wasn't there, plus
wait fat it, plus I got a free lamlngton - with cream-
Copyright Patrick McOeown 198T Page 14
Himill: Mil It VB8 voEth It then,
CLARRIE: It sure was, what do they do there anyway? 1 always
thought of them as a nob of - bush lesbians.
MINNIE; (LOOKING AOURND NERVOUSLY) Don't ever say that again,
walls have ears in this tawti.
CLARRIE: Wiy? - Are they?
HINNIB; No, but the subject is taboo in CARDABAR.
CLARRIE: (STANDS^ WOKENS VOICE, PRETENDING TO BE BLANCH)
r tell you what MINNIE, tsll me what
you know about the lesbian bit, and I'll delete from
idy mind any memory oE your affair with the baker*
HINHTBt (SHOCKED SLOWLY LOOKS AT CLnhRRlE, THEN LAUGHS 1
CLARRIE.
CLARRIE: (DEEP AND DEVILISHJ I muat knowl
Copyright Patrick MctSeown 1987 Page 20
HIHRIB: I Buppoit now is a qooC at tl»e as any to tell yon,
well i^en BLAMCH was a hid, a real laner^ ohe
sort qf adopted two old spinsters as her Exienda....
MARTHA QLEDHILL and FLO KORRIS. , ,
gee this brings back memories.
Hell the old blddlea gave her everything
but she wanted more ...... .they saw she was becoming
spoilt and obstinate so they stopped the pampering ,
LittlE BLANCH didn't like this and started a story*
CLXBRIB:' Just to be spiteful, I suppose.
MIKHIE: Come on CLARRIE, anyway the talk of the town
was that FLO and MARTHA wece having. *,.. .an. ,
unnatural relationship,
CLARRIE; The old bitch, things haven't changed,
HIMHIE: Well, aftet that the old dears left town, they left
in shame, pool things. I wrote to thtm for a while but
they'd be long gone now. If you throv enough auck
it soon sticks.
Copyright Patrick HcGftoiAi 1987 Page 21
CLUtRIF: And the town stood back and let a little girls slander
wieck two old ladles lives,
HIHHI8: Nobody wanted to create a Euas,
CLAKRIE: What a nob of gutlftfts wonders
ENTEH BLAHCH OP
ILMCai Who are gutless vondersT I hop« you^ra refer ing to
other railway people and not ua normal citizens.
CLAHRIE LOOKS AT BLANCH AS TF TO SAY SOHETHIHG
EXIT CLARRIE PS
BLAWCHj There MIN, the youth of today - pathetic*
MINNIEt Oh he's alright, Just a bit shy - he's statlonmaster
you know.
BLANCHi (SITS DOWN) MIMNIE, have you heard from HELEN JASPER
of late?
KIHlflE; (NODS HEAD} Yes,
Copyright Patrick HctSeawn 19 S 7 Page 23
BLANCH: Well?
HINHIE: Oh, she's having a marvellous time
BLANCH: Ho^,no*.no, whec« did she contact you fcom, within
Austtalla?
HtHHlE; Yes
BLANCH; Where MIBINIB, from where in Au&tralaT
HIHHIB: ¥here was It now. . .ah yes from the west,
BLANCH: (IMPATIENTLY* Western Australia or VeEtern New South
Wales.
HIIfKIB: (FLUTTERS) Ul NftTR **y*B VBBtern XnatralU, 1 had
to say Western Australia because there is a PERTH in
Tasmania, Dia you know that BLANCH?
BLMfCMt (SIGHS IN DISBELIEF) NINHIE, I'm sorry I raised my
voice, it's ^ust that I heara she may be considering
a coup-day-tart-
■rF,"^
CopyrLght Pbttlck McGeovn 1967 Page 23
MINHte: tHOV£S HEAD SUDDENLY, ROLLS EYES, DOESN^T UNDERSTAND)
Yes.
BLANCH: Mow, it would be asharoe It she tried to ovsEthrov me at
the CWA elections, I'm doing such a good Job,
MINHIB: You are too BLANCH; I couldn't believe It when ah»
told me she vaa staying at the People's Palace.
BLANCH: Well 1 better let you be on your way MIH, could you
ask CLARRIB to pop ovet and see me dear.
HIHNII: (ADJUSTS HERSELF, RISES, CLUTCHES TROLLEY HANDLE)
Yes, 1 must have a mllllDn things to do.
SLANCH: Oh HIN, I < n • bit on edge today, I was going to pop
over later and bortov your vacunm cleaner but I'll
just give the cleaning a mlcs this week. This
wigr^ines a klllei^
MINNIE; BLANCH, I'll do It £or you.
BLANCHs I couldn't let you do that HIH, it's such a big Job
Copyright Patxlck McC«ovn 1*B7 Page 24
HIHNIE! Put it this way BLANCH, If I vas slcfc would you clean
ny hou&e?
BLJWCH: YesI....of cour«e« . . .you wouldn't eveti have to a&k MIK,
T won't be home till late, you know, CWA business
that just can't wait, MIN, I'll give you my spare
hey. Just let yourself In MiN you're a modern day
Florence Nightingale. Thanks pet, (GIVES MmNIE
KEY)
MINNIE: Never fear, HIH is here. (BOTH LAUGH, BI^ANCH'fi
LAUGH IS FORCEDJ Bye for JiOw love, I hope your
■latins better soon,
EXIT KINNIB PS
BLANCH: Don>t forget to nil CLHtltll. (ILAUCK ItlftlS JUTD RSADV
HOTICEfiOARD) .
ENTEH CLARRIE PS
CLARRIB: Did you want to see me?
Copyright Patrick rfcQ«ovn 1987 Page 2S
BLANCH: CLARRIB darling, congratulatlona an being
appointed, statlonttaat«r .
CLARRIEi What do you want?
BLANCH; CLARRI£, I'm surprised at you, a little bit of
social Intercourse on a railway plat£orm doesn't
necessarily constitute a favour,
CLARRIE: A favour 1,.. I don't want anything, and I'm not about
to do, you, a favour. .«... .
BLANCH: All I want to know Ls^ what train Is HELEN JASPER
coning on tomorrow?
CLARRlEt Ve don't have that InEornation*
BLANCH: But you could find out, couldn't you.
CLABRIE: Passenger nanlCests are confidential.
BLANCH CLARRIE, you have helped ne
In the past, re-menber.
Copyright Patrick McCeown 19a7 Page 26
CLUIRIR: tSHAKIS BtJU) SLOULY) you ate such a bitch
SLAHCIf: Thankyou CLARRIE, I knew you'd help*
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick HcGeown 1907 ?■?« 27
SCENE 9
BLANCHES living room, early evening- Bound of key, MINNIE
enters .
HIHVISe BL. .AA.AJWCH Coo-ee, coo-cc, (WALKS AROUMO HOOes,
LOOKING IN DOORS] coD-ee, BLANCH.
(RETURNS TO FRONT DOOR, EXITS AND RETURNS WITH VACUHN
CLEAKER TIED TO TOP OF TROLLEY, NOTICES FLOWERS,
SHELLS THEM, SHILE5, SITE DOWN AND LOOKS TO BE
DREAKING)
Cone on HIN, ^et to work, you lazy thing. {SMVLLS
FL01fEltS> must have bought them herself, that^s not
very christian HISS VENT,,.., now get to woik.
(WALKS OVER TO TABLE AND
NOTICES BIN BESIDE TABLE WITH CAKE IN IT, fiENDS DOWN,
PICKS OUT CAKE.
HINHtfi: (SHOCKED, PICKS OUT CHUNK BY CHUNK, SHAKING HEAD LETS
OUT LOUD CRY)
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick McOeo^m 1997 Page 2B
acEam xo
BLANCH'S living Eoon, fifteen minutes later, KINNZE sitting «t
table looking into space, knock at dooz, HINHIE gets up and
answer n .
CLARRIE: Ah hat Aunt MIN, (GIVES MIM A KISS, SHE RETURNS TO
SEAT, LOOKING AHEAD, READY TO CRY> I knew I*d find
you here, (LOOKS arouhdj what a dump!, the jabbers
lair. Hell t know you're probably wondering what has
bEought me here. . . , ,,,to, her, house. She is
blackballing k (PACES UP AHD DOW* ROOM), yes
blackmail (OONFUSIOH AND AMGSH), how was I to
know god I was only H, 14. We all do things
we regret (HIN NODS HEAD) she's been
holding It against ua for years. ... ,tell you what Aunt
MIN, that's It, that^s the last time I'll be blackmailed
1 got confidential information - well I told her what
train HELEN jasper is coming in on tomottow/but that
is the last time/but that's what I said last tine
....... (MINNIE BURSTS INTO TEARS, LOUD SHRIEKS}
AUNT MlH what's wrong?
(MINNIE CRYlWtS/STANDS UP/ SHE EMBRACES
CLARRIK, HE LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD^ SHE IS DEVBSTATEP)
Copyright Patrick ncQ^ttvn 1987 Page 29
Hey coiM on AUNT MIK, it can't be that bad, come on,
tell me what 'a wrong. ,.. .you' te my pride and joy,,**
hey [PUTS ON BABY VOICE SIHILAR TO DONALD DUCK)
come on HIMNIE MIWNIE come on my little
dar 1 Lng. . .come on . . . .you don ' t need to be upset i
want you to be happy, we all want you to be happy»,.we
love you, ... .come on MIMHIE. (COMMENTATOEE VOICBJ
And now ladies and gentlemen, MInmie weht, that sex
sireen fram the sixty's will do one oE her famous
Btrlps, (HIH PULLS BACK FROM CLAftRIB, TRYING TO
LAUCH OVER THfi TEARS)
MIKKIE; (PULLS OUT HANKY) You dtlte know how to change ny
mood, plus I don't atrip... well not anynore .
CLARRIE; Now what has upset you so much,
HINNIB: (WALKS OVER TO BIN, BENDS DOWN AND PICKS OUT CHUNKS OP
CAKE) I made* . . , ,her one of my .fruitcakes, .. .she
threw ...she threw St In the bin, I can't do much
for ..... .people, but at least I can make a good
cake she just threw it out..*! can't believe It.
Copyright Patrick HcOeovn 1987 Pa^e 30
CLARRIE: I can, Aunt HIN, 1 have a little plan to teach BLAMCH
a leffson, will you help?
Himril: Yes I could have
given that cahe to B3n«bofly else ....,.,**«. i suppose i
could make a trifle with It.
CLWRIB: Let^a go.
HINHIB: I haven't finished the vacumning. ,..,.. (STERH)
yesi . .1 1 . , < .havel . , (PICKS OP cleaner, puts OM TROLLXY
- what do you want me to do?
CLARRIB: I aee she got the flowers,
HlNNIE: VhatI
CLARRIB: The plan la on course.
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick t1cG«ovn 19B7 Page 31
SCEHS 11
The scene opens to the stage In da t knees - BLANCH' S hcuse, around
lam next day. Phone ringing.
BLANCH: (FOOTSTEPS, ANSWERS PHOHE, TOLLS OK LIGHT, LOUDLT)
Yea .*.-*,.tOh it's you, doctor ..*...*»♦,., .
that's o'kay I was up anyway. ThanJtyou foe the
InEormation, all checks out much to ay liking,
HELEH JASPER, is coming In on the 4 .4S
toiDorrow. . .shall %*e meet at the station. t-good
say 4.30, wonderful I'll meet you on the
platforiQ, until tomorrow then, well ..*. .goodnight
doctor . .(HANGS PHONE).. yes goodnight doctoi,,,..
CVALKB TO FLOWERS, SHELLS THEM, SHILES}
BLACKOUT
Copyright Patrick KcG«ovn 1987 Pag« 32
II
CARDABAR Railway Staion platform. MINNIE sitting on bench eating
a pie. Two pica are also on top of her trolley, which Is paiked
beside bench. Clock shows 4.30ptn. Enter BLANCH.
BLAKCH: (ALL DOLLED UP, LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY, CHECK? TIME
AND TAKES OUT COMPACT, AS SHE DUSTS NOSE SHE NOTICES
MIN EN NERROR/SHOCK HORROR.
What axe you doing herein J
HIHHIE: (EATING PIE, SPEAKS WITH HOtffK rULL) I caw; dovn to
neet HELEN.
BLAUCH: Ohhhhh MINNIE, you'ie disgusting, what rubbish are you
eating,
MimiSs Railway pies, CLARRIE l*tB mt hav* thtm half price, oE
course there a day old, but there is no difference in
the taste at all do you want one,
BLANCH: I cJon't want, you, on the platform*
MINNIE: (STARTS TO GET UP BUT SITS BACK DOWN) T 'hi staying,
HELEN la my friend.
Copyright Patrick Mc(?eovn 1987 Pag« 33
BLANCH: (NERVOUS) I'm sarry HIN, It's just that I am expecting
someone and I wanted to be alone with hin/spealc to him
alqne/T mean 1 had things to discuss in private .
MlimBi ttwr* Is lw7
BLANCH; He was to be hece at 4.30.
HtNHIBi tfho is h«7
BLANCH: Kone of your concecn, a £riend/yeB a business friend i
MIHNIE: Vhat does he look like?
BLANCH; I don't know/ I mean I hav«n*t seen bin for years
HIMNIE : Vhere is he staying?
BLANCH; Mind your own business,
MINNIE: I vas only being friendly, it's Just that you have
prettied yourself up so nice. It's nice to see you having
Copyright Patrick HcOeovn 1987 Pa^c 34
•n Interest In nen£olk .
BLANCH; (HOSItlFTED) Mind your own buElness. I an dressed up
to meet hClen.
HIHNIB; X*ii not flure If she's coming, she Is my very good
fciend, but didn't tell mc she was coming today,
BLANCH: Your very good friend. . .rubbish. ♦ , » .1 'n the only
friend you have in the world HIKKEE, I'm about the
only one who doesn^t talk about your club foot In
public - she does*
Mimil£; (MINNIE PULLS DRESS OVER LEG) I don't believe yoo.
BLAlfCH: Where were ve, I have the band, the CWA, the boys and
glEls all lined up outside to meet her, what a day for
HELEN, sickening Isn't It.
HIHHIB: And I always thought you didn't like tier.
BLANCH; Like her - [ hate her guts.
MINNIE; Then why this big reception, what arc you doing it for?
Copyright Patrick KcGeovn 14S7 p^qe 35
BLAHCH; L0V« KimtE, Love
HIKHtE: Love?
BLANCH; YttB, I love to see peopl* upvet (LAUGH) you know loe
memory like an elephant, I nevec forget.
HINHIE; But how can this reception hurt her?
BLAHCH: Basy, I know sotnethLng nobody else does
MINNIE: ISEARCHING) What Is It?
BLANCH: Ko HIS, It must remain a secret.
HtHHIE: 0*kay.
BLANCH; It's just that I can't trust anyone, MIH.
HINNIB: O'kay.
BLANCH: You know hov It iB MINNIE, If I tell one person It Is
sure to be passed on.
MINNIE: Yes I understand.
(PICKS UP SECOND PIE, TAKES EKALL BITE) Half price and
twice as nice .
Copyright Patrick McGeovn 19 B 7 Pa^c 3C
BLANCH
(PAINFULLY) Ohl I'm sorry MIN, you're my best friend,
I suppose 1 can trust you^ you will be the first
pecaon to know this, , , , . .top secret. ...,,,., ^
inforinatlon. . .WellJ your friend HELEN JASPER has not
been on holidays as she led you to believe ..she
has been in a private hospital.
Miinnv:
Hospitall
BLAHCH:
Yes, not for MfiythinQ tAportaqt^ just a face lift, a
boob Job, etcetera. .. .what a conceited bitch. Can
you Imagine it, at her age getting her head repaired -
she needed it decades ago 1£ you ask me.
HINN]E:
I'm very confused blancth.
Copyright PBtElck HcQftovn 19B7 Page 37
SLMtCH: Aft yon know I have «lwys had a confoEtabla diftllka
for the woman. ,, ,vell I have contacts and she is
retucnlng today fojc a rest... she hopes to »n«ak Into
town BO no one vlll know.... her face Is a mess
(LAUGHS) she la black and blue..., her eyes are bulging
out, her nose is swelled - she looks like a modern day
elephant man (LAUGHS >.. .and she hopes to sneak In, go
home and get well well not when I*in around....!
Just can't wait to see he£ face.. er (LAUOHS AT
HKR HIT), .....I should say I can't wait to see her
face, .*,. .get It.., her face .The shock to her will
be magnificent, I can see It now. . . . . . »she*ll arrive
thinking nothing has happened . , »she '11 walk through
the station down the stairs and what a reception. .. .Oh
HIN what a plan,... what a plan*
HIHNIB: I think It Is disgusting. The poor woman. She is
my friend you know BLANCH.
BLMTCH: Do you think that would worry me MIHKIB? She got me
once and r can assure you only once. I was a young gal, I
was a laughing stock, no one does that to BLAHCH EGAH
and gets away with It. She'll get hera^ I swore I'd
get that bitch back.
CopyrLght Patrick HcQeown 19B1 Page 3S
SHTBR CLARRIE:
CLARRIE: Hello Aunt KIH. (IGNORES BLAHCH, GOES IKTO TOItSTi
BLUIOl: H«'B got a sick mind that boy.
HIKKIB:
MALE
VOICE:
BLANCHl he's my flesh and blood, let htm be.
BLANCH: I'll say as 1 please.
BLANCH BLANCH (BAUD MUSIC HEAIID IH BACKGROUND)
(RUNS OPPOSITE DIRECTIOH TO VOICE)
EXIT BLANCH PS, BIG SMILE/HI HNIE GOES TO TOILET DOOR,
KNOCKS, CLARRIE OPENS DOOR.
CLARRIE; Coast clear, here.. (HANDS AUNT HIN LARGE FULL GARBAGE
BAG, H1NHIE TAKES TO EDGE OP PLATPORM AND EMPTIES
BLANCH'S WASHING OH LINES BELOW/
CLAERie SHAKES HEAD AND LAUOHS/EXIT CLARRIE
MINNIE RETURNS TO SEAT/BLANCH RETURNS^
SITS ON BENCH STUNNED, GAPING, CONFUSED!
MINNttl {MINNIE TRYING TO COVER UP LAUGHING/ALL HERVIB*
I put your washing on the line BLANCH.
Copyright PatElck HcOftOwn 19ST V^qe 39
BLUICHt (AMAZED, PIDGETVl Good HtH ^Ood t thought it
might be him, .. .someone did call ine, I knov that.
V?»t ace you so fidgety about?
TRAIN VHISTLE
MINNIE: (QLTICKLY) Nothing er I'm excited.
HOISE or TRAIN. GROWS LOUDER, BRIGHT K&ADLtGHTS OF TRJUll.
BLACK out
TEaln whlstlQr screech of brakes, doors slamfling* thirty seconds
at station^ Vhiotle, take off, tEaln noise to silent platfocv
BLANCH walking quickly up and down platform, great confusion.
HALE
VOICE;
{OFFSTAGE) BLANCH, parcel for BLANCH EGAN, BLANCH
tHAN WEARIHG HAT AND COAT ENTERS PS
WITH TWO COFFINS ON TfiOLLETf, DROPS COFFIKS, STANDS
BACK)
Co^yriglit PatrLck HcOeovn 19$7 p^ge 40
BLANCH: Walt who are you vhat is going on ... .doctor?. , {HOVIHG
FPANTICLY, GOES OVER TO COFFIKS AND HEADS NAHE3,
SCREAKS WWVWhhhhhaaaatttttt » .».**, ,,,....
Vhere'fl that fucken JA£t>E;ft bitch
(GRAES MINNIE'S TROLLEY AHD STARTS TO PUSH COFFINS
TOWARDS EDGE O*" PLATFORM)
RtLlH:
Too heavy Eor you to handle BLANCH*
BLANCH: That fucken JASPER bitch did this (KEEPS
TRYING TO PUSH COFFINS OFF PLATFORHJ She'll fucken
get hers the wiole,
HELEN, DRESSED AS HAH, TAKES OFF HAT TO REVEAL
HER IDENTITY.
Copyright Patrick HcOeovn 19BT Page 41
HBLSN: Vant a hand BLANCH, you flftftn kAen to have thew back in
the ground.
BLAMCH STARES AT HELEN, LOOKS AT COFFINS, BACK TO
HELEN, SPEECHLESS.
Hot like you to be lost for vords BLAHCfl, cat got your
tongue? Hey I've got a surprise for you I'm running
for mayor, !*« Blck of being your doctor friend
let's forget our differences and you can be
my cainpcilgn manager . . . » . I believe you 've got ■
vender £al setup organised for me today. You're too
kind BLANCH.
BLANCH
Leave ae alone. ...» ^you slut....
HELEN: A slutl . . .that'6 a nev one for you. Do you like th«
present I brought you... these poor old ladles,
HARTHA and FLO, It took »e nontha to find where they
%»ere burled.
Remember BLAMCH. *.. .remember bow 1 had you dlsiniased
from the girl guides for starting those horrible
untruths about them. yes BLAMCH theise once proud
beautiful women died in shaBe, but now they've come
home to rest...,r hope you'll cone to the little
service BLAkch. . . . » .this town will finally sec you for
what you are, your slandering days are ovez .
Copyright Patrick Mcoeovn 19S7 Pa^c 42
IMTIB MIHIflV, CLARRTI
HimriV; (RUNS OVER AHD GRABS TROLLETJ . . , .GlV« t . .MCl . .back 1 . .ayl
trolley I
BLAHCK: Why don't you all fuck off
you think you've got me.
you bastards
HtNNIE/CLARRlE/HELBH: Ycsl
(BMfD BTiOLTS TO E'LAY)
HBLBHt (SARCASTICALLY) For me BLAKCH, let's all walk together
BLANCH:
You can all go and get well and truely fucked. It's
not over yet, not by a longshot, mark my words
I'll get you lot, they'll believe me..
CLARRIB: Come on BLANCH, be a sport, admit defeat, you've loot,
cotne and face the crowd.
BLAMCH; Plgft fucken arse, now piss off you ba&tards, I'll
fucken get you lot you dirty fucken pricks.
(CLIMBS DOWN ONTO LINES!
Copytlght PatrLck KcGcQwn 1987 Page 43
Hmtlll; (BNOUTS) Tou'll never get a c«1ce ofE ne a^aln
(LAUGHS AND SHAKES HEAD AS SHE EXITS PS QUICKLy)
BLANCH: I ' 11 get you scumbags . . .you all think you' re pretty fucken
good I'll Eucken get you lot... (WALKS ALONG
RAILVAIT LINES, PICKS UP TORN WASHING AND THROWS OH
PLATFORM) MINNIE you fucXen club footed bitch you
bastards fucken bush lesbians,,,.,
(HELEN AND CLARHIE LAUGH AS SLAKCH THROWS TORN CLOTHES
ONTO PLATFORM)
HELBH: Let^s face the welcoming conriittee, you've done veil
CLARRIE Where's KIH7 (SHOUTS) HINNIE, KIHNIEt
B(4TBH MINNIE
MINHIE: Heie I am, thank goodnaaa ona of U8 Is on the ball,
I've re-routed the Southern Aurora fcoin line one fto
*he won' t get lun over ii,,*,,,,....,,,^,,,,,,,....
CLJUittlfe: The Southern Auroca doesn't come on line one
CLAHRIE, HELEN, MIHHIE SUDDENLY STARE AT AUDIENCE JH
FRIGHT AS LOUD CONTINUOUS TRAIN WHISTLE
BLACKOUT
■.-■
Copyright Patrick tIcOeown 19B7 ^age 44
CMtTAH
...
