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Full text of "The Pig Paper #11"

VICTOR 

STEREO EFFECT SEWCESSEO MOP" W0H0PX0N1C 



victor 1 IU5/1 ~~B -^ ^^ ^^ -- mm mm 

i i tun*™*** \i p^j Civ c I 



PIG PAPER No.ll 

ONE THIN DOLLAR /55p:uk 




sins, 

The Wonderful Woi .- of Christmas 



JT** " pure gold 



PARADISE, HAWAIIAN STYLE 



SGARY PIG GOLD 
(now you al 1 
nj know my real 
last name) : 

YEverything, 
almost (with 
CINUY PIG: 
Concept & Bunnies). 
"PIG PAPER #11 ® 
JANUARY 1980 BY PIG 
PRODUCTIONS" 



Now 
you can 

MEET 
THE PIGS! 




No.3: 

JEREMY 

GLUCK 



PKHI 

Welcome to the ELEVENTH 
(so there) PIG PAPER - 
the first to feature our 
long-promised Snappy De- 
flated Format. Now, before 
all you wimps start scree 
ching "Boy, PIG's really 
gone down the drain... no 
more colour, less pages, and 
it's half the size of a 
regular mag like CIRCUS 'n 
TROUSER PRESS dagnabit,tsk 
tsk,blah blah", here's the 
explanation (NOT apology): 
In the year since PIG #10 
(the now-classic Dave 
Clark Five issue which was 
our healthiest to date: 
over 4,322 copies success- 
ful ly peddled at last 
count), I've been spending 
all my time, energy, and $$$ 
constructing my band THE 
LOVED ONES. (plug) This en- 
tailed two jaunts to Los 
Angeles - a wallet-raper 
even when flying turd 
class (I've since given up 
on Surf City though. Too 
many drugs and Knack LPs. 
It's London for me in a 
few months, once I've made 
my fortune off a few 
POCKET PIGs), many hours 
in cheap-o (in quality 
only) demo studios, lotsa 
fruitless auditions (CAN'T 
ANYBODY IN NORTH AMERICA 
PLAY MINDLESS NEO-BUBBLE 
GUM DITTIES ANYMORE?), and 
too much aggro (as my old 
pal Derek "There's An 
Adolph Hitler In Reception 
Sir" Taylor would say). 
Whilst all this nonsense 
was underway, everyone 
would keep filling my ears 
with the likes of "Hey 
Gary, where 's the new PIG 
PAPER? It's been months. 
It was the best thing on 
the market. Sure hope 
you're not thinking of 
packing it in. Aw, c'mon" 
etcetera. Hell, some folks 
even offered to HELP ME. 
And with us in the midst 
of war-time and all . . . 
So, after piles of delib- 
eration, I've given in to 
my public. (After all , I'm 
usually pretty loaded 
money-wise this time of 
year, thanks to fruit- 
filled negotiations with 
my backers - grandma, 
auntie, Santa. .. ) so Here 
You Are - POCKET PIG a/k/a 
PIG PAPER 11, Now in the 
new Economy Size. EATJiP. 

70 COTTON DRIVE. MISSISSAUGA 
ONTARIO CANADA. L5G IZ9 




t ■ mnm^mmmm* ' 
■ ;c 4fe*ij m "ft fin m m tm<m k*M* 
mMmmm ■ tuanATHtwa 

Alotta with-it whiz-kids around town often ask me why I'm 
so eternally "down on" (their words) the latest "in 
things" (my words) like The B-52s, "Eraserhead" , and Wazmo 
Nariz, or why I never whip out my old Captain Beefheart 
and Metal Machine Music records at PIG Parties. Well, I'm 
going to tell you once and for all: It's because I'm a 
HALF JAPANESE fan. 

"Who, or What, is Half Japanese?" you snort. Simple. 
They're a (fill in your own descrip- 
tions. I cannot conjure up appropriate metaphorical s; be- 
sides, the cat used my thesaurus for a toilet over the 
holidaze) duo (now possibly a quartet!) led by brothers 
(perhaps) Jad and David Fair from scenic (your words) 
Uniontown, Maryland, USA. They've so far released a couple 
of singles, lotsa cassettes, snuck onto a few American 
anthology LPs, and David's even written a book entitled 
"Worms In It" which has forever replaced "The Boy Looked 
At Johnny" on my night-table. Put'em all together and 
you've got a lotta laffs, bucketsful of confusion, and 
plenty of heel-tappin' sounds running under it all. You 
can dance to Half Japanese. You can dress to Half Japa- 
nese. You can even try singing snatches of Desi Arnaz 
tunes to Half Japanese. Because their music is, umm. . . 
ALL-PURPOSE. Yeah! 

Use it instead of "Tusk" to prune your toenails by. 
Play it while you're on the phone ordering sweet&sour 
chicken balls. Or file it away in the linen closet for 
future reference. 

Take Half Japanese to the mall with you Tuesday night 
after the news. Take Half Japanese to your favourite 
club and play it over the PA between sets (careful tho. 1 ) 
Or let Half Japanese accompany you on your trip to Allen, 
Texas next fall. 

GET THE PICTURE? 
And while you're at it, remember: You Read It First In 
PIG. Just like Martin And The E-Chords, The Saints, Nick 
Lowe, The Loved Ones (plug), XTC, The Forgotten Rebels, 
The Motors, Count Viglione, and of course, The Pinsteads. 

The moral of this story is: TO HELL with your Clevelands, 
your Zions, even your Port Credits as Eighties capitals 
of pop. I know right where music's headed: UNIONTOWN, 
MARYLAND! 







SGARY PIG GOLD 
(now you al 1 
nj know my real 
last name) : 

YEverything, 
almost (with 
CINUY PIG: 
Concept & Bunnies). 
"PIG PAPER #11 ® 
JANUARY 1980 BY PIG 
PRODUCTIONS" 



Now 
you can 

MEET 
THE PIGS! 




No.3: 

JEREMY 

GLUCK 



PKHI 

Welcome to the ELEVENTH 
(so there) PIG PAPER - 
the first to feature our 
long-promised Snappy De- 
flated Format. Now, before 
all you wimps start scree 
ching "Boy, PIG's really 
gone down the drain... no 
more colour, less pages, and 
it's half the size of a 
regular mag like CIRCUS 'n 
TROUSER PRESS dagnabit,tsk 
tsk,blah blah", here's the 
explanation (NOT apology): 
In the year since PIG #10 
(the now-classic Dave 
Clark Five issue which was 
our healthiest to date: 
over 4,322 copies success- 
ful ly peddled at last 
count), I've been spending 
all my time, energy, and $$$ 
constructing my band THE 
LOVED ONES. (plug) This en- 
tailed two jaunts to Los 
Angeles - a wallet-raper 
even when flying turd 
class (I've since given up 
on Surf City though. Too 
many drugs and Knack LPs. 
It's London for me in a 
few months, once I've made 
my fortune off a few 
POCKET PIGs), many hours 
in cheap-o (in quality 
only) demo studios, lotsa 
fruitless auditions (CAN'T 
ANYBODY IN NORTH AMERICA 
PLAY MINDLESS NEO-BUBBLE 
GUM DITTIES ANYMORE?), and 
too much aggro (as my old 
pal Derek "There's An 
Adolph Hitler In Reception 
Sir" Taylor would say). 
Whilst all this nonsense 
was underway, everyone 
would keep filling my ears 
with the likes of "Hey 
Gary, where 's the new PIG 
PAPER? It's been months. 
It was the best thing on 
the market. Sure hope 
you're not thinking of 
packing it in. Aw, c'mon" 
etcetera. Hell, some folks 
even offered to HELP ME. 
And with us in the midst 
of war-time and all . . . 
So, after piles of delib- 
eration, I've given in to 
my public. (After all , I'm 
usually pretty loaded 
money-wise this time of 
year, thanks to fruit- 
filled negotiations with 
my backers - grandma, 
auntie, Santa. .. ) so Here 
You Are - POCKET PIG a/k/a 
PIG PAPER 11, Now in the 
new Economy Size. EATJiP. 

70 COTTON DRIVE. MISSISSAUGA 
ONTARIO CANADA. L5G IZ9 




t ■ mnm^mmmm* ' 
■ ;c 4fe*ij m "ft fin m m tm<m k*M* 
mMmmm ■ tuanATHtwa 

Alotta with-it whiz-kids around town often ask me why I'm 
so eternally "down on" (their words) the latest "in 
things" (my words) like The B-52s, "Eraserhead" , and Wazmo 
Nariz, or why I never whip out my old Captain Beefheart 
and Metal Machine Music records at PIG Parties. Well, I'm 
going to tell you once and for all: It's because I'm a 
HALF JAPANESE fan. 

"Who, or What, is Half Japanese?" you snort. Simple. 
They're a (fill in your own descrip- 
tions. I cannot conjure up appropriate metaphorical s; be- 
sides, the cat used my thesaurus for a toilet over the 
holidaze) duo (now possibly a quartet!) led by brothers 
(perhaps) Jad and David Fair from scenic (your words) 
Uniontown, Maryland, USA. They've so far released a couple 
of singles, lotsa cassettes, snuck onto a few American 
anthology LPs, and David's even written a book entitled 
"Worms In It" which has forever replaced "The Boy Looked 
At Johnny" on my night-table. Put'em all together and 
you've got a lotta laffs, bucketsful of confusion, and 
plenty of heel-tappin' sounds running under it all. You 
can dance to Half Japanese. You can dress to Half Japa- 
nese. You can even try singing snatches of Desi Arnaz 
tunes to Half Japanese. Because their music is, umm. . . 
ALL-PURPOSE. Yeah! 

Use it instead of "Tusk" to prune your toenails by. 
Play it while you're on the phone ordering sweet&sour 
chicken balls. Or file it away in the linen closet for 
future reference. 

Take Half Japanese to the mall with you Tuesday night 
after the news. Take Half Japanese to your favourite 
club and play it over the PA between sets (careful tho. 1 ) 
Or let Half Japanese accompany you on your trip to Allen, 
Texas next fall. 

GET THE PICTURE? 
And while you're at it, remember: You Read It First In 
PIG. Just like Martin And The E-Chords, The Saints, Nick 
Lowe, The Loved Ones (plug), XTC, The Forgotten Rebels, 
The Motors, Count Viglione, and of course, The Pinsteads. 

The moral of this story is: TO HELL with your Clevelands, 
your Zions, even your Port Credits as Eighties capitals 
of pop. I know right where music's headed: UNIONTOWN, 
MARYLAND! 








DYLAN REPLACES 
ROBERT RAC- 
IOPPO IN 
THE SHIRTS 
JUST IN TIME 
TO HEADLINE 
THE GALA "PTL 
CLUB" SATELL- 
ITE TELETHON 
.CLASS 

ACTION LAWSUIT LAUNCHED ~~^^^ m AGAINST 
"PUNK" MAGAZINE FOR ITS MARKETING OF THEIR "HOSTAGE 

CARDS" BUBBLEGUM CONFECTIONARY 1981 : JOHN 

ENTWISTLE,DIES OF AN ACCIDENTAL SELF-INFLICTED IM- 
PALEMENT WHILE SCYTHING THE GROUNDS OF HIS 750-ACRE 
ESTATE NEAR PIDDLYPOOH, WALES PETE TOWNSHEND IMM- 
EDIATELY SETS TO WORK IMMORTALIZING THE EVENT WITH A 

CONCEPT ALBUM KRAFTWERK ARE APPOINTED MUSICAL 

DIRECTORS OF "THE MUPPETS" TELEVISION SERIES THE 

NOTED QUASI-SIXTIES COMBO "THE FLAMING GROOVIES" DIS- 
BANDS AND NOBODY NOTICES AND INFAMOUS PUSS-ROCKER 

STIV BATORS MARRIES MODEL CHERYL TEETH IN A PRIVATE 
CEREMONY ABOARD THE QUEEN MARY 1982 : THE NATION- 
AL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION'S FINAL EN- 
DEAVOUR BEFORE CLAIMING BANKRUPTCY IS THE LAUNCHING 
OF "THE 1970s TIME CAPSULE", WHICH CARRIES DEEP INTO 
SPACE SUCH ARTIFACTS FROM THE FORGOTTEN DECADE AS 
THE LAST GLORIA STAVERS-PRODUCED "16" MAGAZINE, A 
PHOTOGRAPH OF ABBA STANDING VICTORIOUS ATOP A SLAIN 
VOLVO, A PAIR OF RENE SIMARC^— PYJAMAS, A RECORD- 
^^^Kfe. ■■ ■ ING OF THE "STAR 

ftfcu ■ 1 1 ■ ■ WARS" THEME AS PER- 

^^^B Bk ■ri ■ formed by boston, 

■ llli ■ A 1977 RAMONES 

i \ I ■ m m I PRESS KIT > AND A 

If ! 1 ■ m?\ ■ PINK VINYL PRESS- 

Mw l^^l ING OF "FRAMPTON 
■ WW ^j V COMES ALIVE" 

THE LATEST TEEN 
FAD SWEEPING THE 
WEST IS LAYING 
TONGUES ACROSS 
FLASHLIGHT BATT- 
ERY TERMINALS... 
.. 1983 : PAUL 

McCartney air- 
lifts HIS ENTIRE ^^ BAND TO JOHN 
LENNON'S UPPER NEW YORK STATE COW PASTURE IN ORDER 
TO PERFORM "JUNIOR'S FARM" FOR UNICEF'S "YEAR OF THE 
VIRGIN" CELEBRATION. JOHN'S ONLY AUDIBLE COMMENT: "A 
LOT OF BULL" AND THE BEATLES DID NOT GET BACK TO- 
GETHER AGAIN THE CINEMATIC TRIUMPH OF THE YEAR IS 

AMERICAN-INTERNATIONAL'S "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER: THE 

MOTION PICTURE" 1984 : AUTHOR GEORGE ORWELL'S 

BODY IS EXHUMED AND PUBLICALLY CASTRATED JOHN 

LYDON DEVELOPS AND HOSTS THE DECADE'S MOST POPULAR 
TELEVISION GAME SHOW: "CELEBRITY PALSY" THE HIGH- 
LY TOOTED WORLD TOUR OF "THE BARNUM AND BAILEY DISCO 
CIRCUS", STARRING LINDA BLAIR AND MAC DAVIS, CLOSES 

AFTER AN INITIAL THREE-MINUTE RUN IN LITTLE ROCK 

IN A RELATED EVENT, ALL FORTY-THREE MEMBERS OF KC AND 
THE SUNSHINE BAND PERISH IN A MIAMI BEACH HYDROFOIL 

MISHAP NAZI DOG DOES NOT KILL HIMSELF KEITH 

MOON RISES FROM THE DEAD 1985 : 250 DRUG-PLUGGED 

YOUNGSTERS ARE ASPHYXIATED WHILE ATTENDING A MADISON, 
WISCONSIN PLASTIC BERTRAND/SAM THE SHAM AND THE 
PHARAOHS 
CONCERT.,... 
A SERIES OF 
FATAL STROK- 
ES ENDS THE 
LONG AND 
ILLUSTRIOUS 
CAREER OF 






SOUL BROTHER NUMBER ONE" 
JAMES BROWN, 
WHO IS 

THEN 
POSTHU- 
MOUSLY 

KNIGHTED THE BEATLES I STILL 

DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN ELVIS ^ COSTELLO 

SWITCHES TO CONTACT LENSES AND JOINS THE ZAL YANOV- 
SKY BAND..... 1986 : NOTHING HAPPENED. EVERYONE IS 

REMINDED OF THE SEVENTIES 1987 : SCENTED VINYL 

BAILS OUT THE AILING RECORD INDUSTRY AFTER THE FOOD 

AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION BANS VIDEO-DISCS CHEAP 

TRICK DISBAND AFTER BEING ASKED BY THE WHITE HOUSE 

TO PERFORM AT AMY CARTER'S BRIDAL SHOWER DON 

KIRSHNER'S "THOSE PHENOMENAL MONKEES" BECOMES 

BROADWAY'S LONGEST-RUNNING STAGE SHOW JOAN BAEZ 

JOINS WITH THE CARS, JOE JACKSON, PATTI SMITH, RIP 
TAYLOR, INTERCHANGE, AND THE POLICE AT THE EDWARD 
KENNEDY MEMORIAL LASERIUM BOWLERAMA FOR THE FIRST 
(AND LAST) ANNUAL "NO SUN" ANTI-SOLAR ENERGY BENE- 
FIT 1988 : LESTER BANGS DROPS HIS PANTS WHILE 

GUEST-HOSTTM THE "DINAH SHORE" TELEVISION SHOW AND 
RATINGS SKY-ROCKET. "SUCH A BIG FUSS OVER SUCH A 




LITTLE THING", -DINAH 

COMMENTS BRUCE 

SPRINGSTEEN IS ASS- 
ASSINATED BY BUDDY 

HOLLY'S WIDOW 

HAILEY'S COMET MAKES 
ITS SCHEDULED NEAR- 
BYPASS OF EARTH, 
CAUSING A BIZARRE 
RADIATORY REACTION 
WHICH EFFECTIVELY 
MELTS ALL SUPERTRAMP 

RECORDS SKYLAB 

RISES FROM THE DEAD 

1989 : THE 

BEATLES FLATLY RE- 
FUSE TO GET BACK TO- 
GETHER AGAIN, BUT 
THE FLAMING GROOVIES 

DO THE DIODES TOUR RUSSIA AND GLOBAL NUCLEAR WAR 

IMMEDIATELY ERUPTS A "BILLBOX" MAGAZINE TABULATION 

OF THE EIGHTIES' MOST POPULAR RECORDINGS IS PUBLISHED. 
NUMBER ONE IS MARGARET TRUDEAU'S RENDITION OF THE OLD 
THREE DOG NIGHT HIT, "JOY TO THE WORLD"- RIWNERS-UP 
INCLUDE "THE MONKEY'S UNCLE" BY THE B-GIRLS, "BRIAN 
WILSON" BY JOHNNY CARSON, AND "TOWN WITHOUT PITY" BY 
SUICIDE 



a. THE "TALLY-HO" AUTOMATIC 
BED-WETTER 

A strangely pointless device, but one which has 
brought pleasure to thousands. Primed and placed 
beside the bed before retiring, the "Tally- Ho" 
Automatic Bed-Wetter remains crouching for a 
random length of time (min. 3 hours) after which it 
will suddenly spring onto the bed and wet it. 





DYLAN REPLACES 
ROBERT RAC- 
IOPPO IN 
THE SHIRTS 
JUST IN TIME 
TO HEADLINE 
THE GALA "PTL 
CLUB" SATELL- 
ITE TELETHON 
.CLASS 

ACTION LAWSUIT LAUNCHED ~~^^^ m AGAINST 
"PUNK" MAGAZINE FOR ITS MARKETING OF THEIR "HOSTAGE 

CARDS" BUBBLEGUM CONFECTIONARY 1981 : JOHN 

ENTWISTLE,DIES OF AN ACCIDENTAL SELF-INFLICTED IM- 
PALEMENT WHILE SCYTHING THE GROUNDS OF HIS 750-ACRE 
ESTATE NEAR PIDDLYPOOH, WALES PETE TOWNSHEND IMM- 
EDIATELY SETS TO WORK IMMORTALIZING THE EVENT WITH A 

CONCEPT ALBUM KRAFTWERK ARE APPOINTED MUSICAL 

DIRECTORS OF "THE MUPPETS" TELEVISION SERIES THE 

NOTED QUASI-SIXTIES COMBO "THE FLAMING GROOVIES" DIS- 
BANDS AND NOBODY NOTICES AND INFAMOUS PUSS-ROCKER 

STIV BATORS MARRIES MODEL CHERYL TEETH IN A PRIVATE 
CEREMONY ABOARD THE QUEEN MARY 1982 : THE NATION- 
AL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION'S FINAL EN- 
DEAVOUR BEFORE CLAIMING BANKRUPTCY IS THE LAUNCHING 
OF "THE 1970s TIME CAPSULE", WHICH CARRIES DEEP INTO 
SPACE SUCH ARTIFACTS FROM THE FORGOTTEN DECADE AS 
THE LAST GLORIA STAVERS-PRODUCED "16" MAGAZINE, A 
PHOTOGRAPH OF ABBA STANDING VICTORIOUS ATOP A SLAIN 
VOLVO, A PAIR OF RENE SIMARC^— PYJAMAS, A RECORD- 
^^^Kfe. ■■ ■ ING OF THE "STAR 

ftfcu ■ 1 1 ■ ■ WARS" THEME AS PER- 

^^^B Bk ■ri ■ formed by boston, 

■ llli ■ A 1977 RAMONES 

i \ I ■ m m I PRESS KIT > AND A 

If ! 1 ■ m?\ ■ PINK VINYL PRESS- 

Mw l^^l ING OF "FRAMPTON 
■ WW ^j V COMES ALIVE" 

THE LATEST TEEN 
FAD SWEEPING THE 
WEST IS LAYING 
TONGUES ACROSS 
FLASHLIGHT BATT- 
ERY TERMINALS... 
.. 1983 : PAUL 

McCartney air- 
lifts HIS ENTIRE ^^ BAND TO JOHN 
LENNON'S UPPER NEW YORK STATE COW PASTURE IN ORDER 
TO PERFORM "JUNIOR'S FARM" FOR UNICEF'S "YEAR OF THE 
VIRGIN" CELEBRATION. JOHN'S ONLY AUDIBLE COMMENT: "A 
LOT OF BULL" AND THE BEATLES DID NOT GET BACK TO- 
GETHER AGAIN THE CINEMATIC TRIUMPH OF THE YEAR IS 

AMERICAN-INTERNATIONAL'S "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER: THE 

MOTION PICTURE" 1984 : AUTHOR GEORGE ORWELL'S 

BODY IS EXHUMED AND PUBLICALLY CASTRATED JOHN 

LYDON DEVELOPS AND HOSTS THE DECADE'S MOST POPULAR 
TELEVISION GAME SHOW: "CELEBRITY PALSY" THE HIGH- 
LY TOOTED WORLD TOUR OF "THE BARNUM AND BAILEY DISCO 
CIRCUS", STARRING LINDA BLAIR AND MAC DAVIS, CLOSES 

AFTER AN INITIAL THREE-MINUTE RUN IN LITTLE ROCK 

IN A RELATED EVENT, ALL FORTY-THREE MEMBERS OF KC AND 
THE SUNSHINE BAND PERISH IN A MIAMI BEACH HYDROFOIL 

MISHAP NAZI DOG DOES NOT KILL HIMSELF KEITH 

MOON RISES FROM THE DEAD 1985 : 250 DRUG-PLUGGED 

YOUNGSTERS ARE ASPHYXIATED WHILE ATTENDING A MADISON, 
WISCONSIN PLASTIC BERTRAND/SAM THE SHAM AND THE 
PHARAOHS 
CONCERT.,... 
A SERIES OF 
FATAL STROK- 
ES ENDS THE 
LONG AND 
ILLUSTRIOUS 
CAREER OF 






SOUL BROTHER NUMBER ONE" 
JAMES BROWN, 
WHO IS 

THEN 
POSTHU- 
MOUSLY 

KNIGHTED THE BEATLES I STILL 

DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN ELVIS ^ COSTELLO 

SWITCHES TO CONTACT LENSES AND JOINS THE ZAL YANOV- 
SKY BAND..... 1986 : NOTHING HAPPENED. EVERYONE IS 

REMINDED OF THE SEVENTIES 1987 : SCENTED VINYL 

BAILS OUT THE AILING RECORD INDUSTRY AFTER THE FOOD 

AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION BANS VIDEO-DISCS CHEAP 

TRICK DISBAND AFTER BEING ASKED BY THE WHITE HOUSE 

TO PERFORM AT AMY CARTER'S BRIDAL SHOWER DON 

KIRSHNER'S "THOSE PHENOMENAL MONKEES" BECOMES 

BROADWAY'S LONGEST-RUNNING STAGE SHOW JOAN BAEZ 

JOINS WITH THE CARS, JOE JACKSON, PATTI SMITH, RIP 
TAYLOR, INTERCHANGE, AND THE POLICE AT THE EDWARD 
KENNEDY MEMORIAL LASERIUM BOWLERAMA FOR THE FIRST 
(AND LAST) ANNUAL "NO SUN" ANTI-SOLAR ENERGY BENE- 
FIT 1988 : LESTER BANGS DROPS HIS PANTS WHILE 

GUEST-HOSTTM THE "DINAH SHORE" TELEVISION SHOW AND 
RATINGS SKY-ROCKET. "SUCH A BIG FUSS OVER SUCH A 




LITTLE THING", -DINAH 

COMMENTS BRUCE 

SPRINGSTEEN IS ASS- 
ASSINATED BY BUDDY 

HOLLY'S WIDOW 

HAILEY'S COMET MAKES 
ITS SCHEDULED NEAR- 
BYPASS OF EARTH, 
CAUSING A BIZARRE 
RADIATORY REACTION 
WHICH EFFECTIVELY 
MELTS ALL SUPERTRAMP 

RECORDS SKYLAB 

RISES FROM THE DEAD 

1989 : THE 

BEATLES FLATLY RE- 
FUSE TO GET BACK TO- 
GETHER AGAIN, BUT 
THE FLAMING GROOVIES 

DO THE DIODES TOUR RUSSIA AND GLOBAL NUCLEAR WAR 

IMMEDIATELY ERUPTS A "BILLBOX" MAGAZINE TABULATION 

OF THE EIGHTIES' MOST POPULAR RECORDINGS IS PUBLISHED. 
NUMBER ONE IS MARGARET TRUDEAU'S RENDITION OF THE OLD 
THREE DOG NIGHT HIT, "JOY TO THE WORLD"- RIWNERS-UP 
INCLUDE "THE MONKEY'S UNCLE" BY THE B-GIRLS, "BRIAN 
WILSON" BY JOHNNY CARSON, AND "TOWN WITHOUT PITY" BY 
SUICIDE 



a. THE "TALLY-HO" AUTOMATIC 
BED-WETTER 

A strangely pointless device, but one which has 
brought pleasure to thousands. Primed and placed 
beside the bed before retiring, the "Tally- Ho" 
Automatic Bed-Wetter remains crouching for a 
random length of time (min. 3 hours) after which it 
will suddenly spring onto the bed and wet it. 





US 



HI 



Whilst playing radio roulette late one Sunday night 
under the dwarf maples, I recognized the familiar 
sexful twang of Reg Presley (no relation) bleeting 
out onto the rugs. He was being interviewed - IN 
STEREO - and between narrating the blow-by-blows of 
choice chunks of Troggsongs, he seemed to be reaching 
out of my woofers for HELP. Consequently, I hereby 
toss my wallet into the ring: REG, HERE'S WHAT I, 
CINDY THE PIG, CAN DO FOR YOU AND THE TROGGS: 
*You can record Free Of Charge within the sumptuous 

PIG Studios (that is, when dad isn't asleep). 
*Your long-awaited country & western single will be 
issued under the name "Rollickin 1 Reg And His 
Tennessee Troggs". 
*Your follow-up album will have pulsating balls on 

the cover. 
*You'll be dressed in moss green leisure suits and 
be served pineapple-upside-down cake by a spright- 
ly grandmother in an organdy dress. 
*You'll be given more colouring books, crayons, 
bunnies and jigsaw puzzles than you (or even I) 
will know what to do with. 
*You'll embark on a world tour as opening act for 



JZZ 



■ ■ 



■b ( The Pinsteads. m ^ mmmi 

■JM Now, doesn't all this sound just too good to be true? 
■■» ,m?2 ?«A lf you sti11 question my managerial prowess' 
■ H JUST LOOK WHAT I DID FOR BILLY AND BOBBY BEANO™ 

■■ CINDY PIG's "PFOPIF TO WRITE TO" : 

SJf| (l)Bill-Dale Marcinko/AFTA Magazine 

W K nfiqnfK 50 f\ Rut9 r¥ ew ^unswick ,New Jersey 

LB ul ? m (S ^ tember t° April); 47 Crater Avenue, 

SB (2)Ps;t a Sc on pSaSi r r y ' usA ° 7885 ^ to a «>- 

mm n?oL Bernhard Ave ™e,Richmond, California, USA 

lm 94805. Be sure to ask for your very own qold- 

W coloured Pino Man sticker. y 

l CINDY PIG's "PEOPIE TO IGNORE" : 

1) Peter Goddard 
I (2)Peter Goddard 
l ****************************^**^^^^^^^^^ I******* 

_ "ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES U 
1 JOHNNY THUNDERS IS MY KIND OF GUISE" * 
I Here's the scenario for a TV pilot I'm 
l working on, to help us all through the 
I Eighties, y'know? 

I THE MAN FROM P.U.N.C.L.E 
starring NAPOLEON MOJO and SILLYA 
GARYAKIiN, and their commander-in- 
chief MR.NEWAVERLY. Their arch 
enemies? That loathsome subversive 
operation known only as,.. R.U.S.H 
(would you believe "Open Channel' 
Devo"?) 

Well, don't blame me: It was Rock 
Serling's idea 

OKAV KIDS: What Does PUNOF stanj 

********************************^$£^ 

1 Copyright ©1980: PIG Publishing. (CRAPAC) 



u 



■ ■ 

i m 

■ ■ 




rah GMH Pltfs 

w pi ARY 



pkc.16/79 -1 

reivm -from 
sunny Cqfff. 
fo-fhe usual 
piles of mail 
I beoinTht usual -SorttJtqthemtnfoCcfaonte 
(AfrrkLEs, momey,sills. j fan majl,hate MAIL 
etOandmv Mes+ } ever-Qro»tng(belieyg^or 

HAVENTSEEN^T^APIG PAPER MA , 
LONGTIME MP T EVEN UKEVIT HOPE Its 
STILL GOING. IF SO.PLEASE FlNO NEW PR0- 
M0 PIX OF FiLIN ENCLOSED METAL BOK. 
-JOHN WTTER NO MORE" LYOO& (PS- COULD I 

have a few Mm m paper rs forthe 

RELATI0NS?).O)DE^R GARY- ENCLOSED IS A 

CHEQUE (.SETTER CASH IT QUICK THOUGH)** 
FOR * 320 (FINALLY GOT MONIES CWEP FfiOM 
THE FUCKIN' 6R00VIES}' THE EXTRA 4lOVs 
TO HELP YOU SET ANOTHER P/$ PAPER OOT 
ESPECIALLY KJOWTHATBOMP'S FINALLY BIT 
THE DUST... -GREG "WMWWTW £]/££ 
CALL WHEN IN CAUF0RNIA'SHM.<3>P&IR 
pi 6 PAPER-GREAT STUFF! TPRM THAI 

your paper's death like paul's, is just 
a publicity stunt. j asi wasvelung ml 
astrologer the other pay'x refuseto 
release anctheg reqorp until yoogive 
birth to Another pigi -john/mnston/ 

0N0/O'B006\E" LENNONMB.ECreip. So-fyis 
very eve. after placing SideTw of "THE 68m 
BOYS TODAY " onfke ffasty PIG Pl<yer ? IscT 
ip work op PIS WPERJidEVEN! [PelMlt 
Been bnoadcasf/Vra^aTCu) pals awl local sce- 
newaters ms-moa<Ms of usnertmtMe bv's 
vfo a flew Pis yw ^veryflrjefwe/rexq^f 
5hadesy&x.\>s Ml Great Ideal m iMnl 
-fell new, Look, rattier-ban p^ttim oat one 
iooffo issue ayear,or 12 bar/co //Trie "two- 
sided pi <5 sheet newsletters ayear,rm 
qoiataq Compromise- by puttlnq oof something 
% Be+M/eoL I'm mttwrn- ls NOMoa. caret-* 
d/qress- You qoffa. keep topping yourself from 
a/rmy most mz-mimtd consulrants. *&ut 




unci do it several 
times a year to boot"! insist, u lm a rode'n ' . 
roll star'bv tear f -I only dofefiP. frfxxXeT 
money, rarner than vlnorlinq tbr worlcdouM at 
theMMart^Iadl \r\thiNlCKoitime,the 
handy Cindy, armed only vJith a s-fapler, a 
ruler, a (ayebtpad (w o\w/,a stole anH a spooa) 
invents POCKET PIG wMc wrapping Xmas ' 
qffts. tug@S«/ We c\o set a war vtfovie by 
«/ay of celebrgtion. pec . 26 7T, m hi &> Tmt 
WILL be a mew Pl$ ptwmtt Whdfs -rmrefo 
write abort?! The past? People chimjdmff 
back in the 6olaenEmOf fbr> (and renumber 
-tha-Ps WEll over a decade aqoO.P (£t J^ e ^ 
WilltKers-THAVS MY life: Hmmm-qh 
Well ; -/eah yea^u/e know/, eat yer spinac/i...- 




US 



HI 



Whilst playing radio roulette late one Sunday night 
under the dwarf maples, I recognized the familiar 
sexful twang of Reg Presley (no relation) bleeting 
out onto the rugs. He was being interviewed - IN 
STEREO - and between narrating the blow-by-blows of 
choice chunks of Troggsongs, he seemed to be reaching 
out of my woofers for HELP. Consequently, I hereby 
toss my wallet into the ring: REG, HERE'S WHAT I, 
CINDY THE PIG, CAN DO FOR YOU AND THE TROGGS: 
*You can record Free Of Charge within the sumptuous 

PIG Studios (that is, when dad isn't asleep). 
*Your long-awaited country & western single will be 
issued under the name "Rollickin 1 Reg And His 
Tennessee Troggs". 
*Your follow-up album will have pulsating balls on 

the cover. 
*You'll be dressed in moss green leisure suits and 
be served pineapple-upside-down cake by a spright- 
ly grandmother in an organdy dress. 
*You'll be given more colouring books, crayons, 
bunnies and jigsaw puzzles than you (or even I) 
will know what to do with. 
*You'll embark on a world tour as opening act for 



JZZ 



■ ■ 



■b ( The Pinsteads. m ^ mmmi 

■JM Now, doesn't all this sound just too good to be true? 
■■» ,m?2 ?«A lf you sti11 question my managerial prowess' 
■ H JUST LOOK WHAT I DID FOR BILLY AND BOBBY BEANO™ 

■■ CINDY PIG's "PFOPIF TO WRITE TO" : 

SJf| (l)Bill-Dale Marcinko/AFTA Magazine 

W K nfiqnfK 50 f\ Rut9 r¥ ew ^unswick ,New Jersey 

LB ul ? m (S ^ tember t° April); 47 Crater Avenue, 

SB (2)Ps;t a Sc on pSaSi r r y ' usA ° 7885 ^ to a «>- 

mm n?oL Bernhard Ave ™e,Richmond, California, USA 

lm 94805. Be sure to ask for your very own qold- 

W coloured Pino Man sticker. y 

l CINDY PIG's "PEOPIE TO IGNORE" : 

1) Peter Goddard 
I (2)Peter Goddard 
l ****************************^**^^^^^^^^^ I******* 

_ "ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES U 
1 JOHNNY THUNDERS IS MY KIND OF GUISE" * 
I Here's the scenario for a TV pilot I'm 
l working on, to help us all through the 
I Eighties, y'know? 

I THE MAN FROM P.U.N.C.L.E 
starring NAPOLEON MOJO and SILLYA 
GARYAKIiN, and their commander-in- 
chief MR.NEWAVERLY. Their arch 
enemies? That loathsome subversive 
operation known only as,.. R.U.S.H 
(would you believe "Open Channel' 
Devo"?) 

Well, don't blame me: It was Rock 
Serling's idea 

OKAV KIDS: What Does PUNOF stanj 

********************************^$£^ 

1 Copyright ©1980: PIG Publishing. (CRAPAC) 



u 



■ ■ 

i m 

■ ■ 




rah GMH Pltfs 

w pi ARY 



pkc.16/79 -1 

reivm -from 
sunny Cqfff. 
fo-fhe usual 
piles of mail 
I beoinTht usual -SorttJtqthemtnfoCcfaonte 
(AfrrkLEs, momey,sills. j fan majl,hate MAIL 
etOandmv Mes+ } ever-Qro»tng(belieyg^or 

HAVENTSEEN^T^APIG PAPER MA , 
LONGTIME MP T EVEN UKEVIT HOPE Its 
STILL GOING. IF SO.PLEASE FlNO NEW PR0- 
M0 PIX OF FiLIN ENCLOSED METAL BOK. 
-JOHN WTTER NO MORE" LYOO& (PS- COULD I 

have a few Mm m paper rs forthe 

RELATI0NS?).O)DE^R GARY- ENCLOSED IS A 

CHEQUE (.SETTER CASH IT QUICK THOUGH)** 
FOR * 320 (FINALLY GOT MONIES CWEP FfiOM 
THE FUCKIN' 6R00VIES}' THE EXTRA 4lOVs 
TO HELP YOU SET ANOTHER P/$ PAPER OOT 
ESPECIALLY KJOWTHATBOMP'S FINALLY BIT 
THE DUST... -GREG "WMWWTW £]/££ 
CALL WHEN IN CAUF0RNIA'SHM.<3>P&IR 
pi 6 PAPER-GREAT STUFF! TPRM THAI 

your paper's death like paul's, is just 
a publicity stunt. j asi wasvelung ml 
astrologer the other pay'x refuseto 
release anctheg reqorp until yoogive 
birth to Another pigi -john/mnston/ 

0N0/O'B006\E" LENNONMB.ECreip. So-fyis 
very eve. after placing SideTw of "THE 68m 
BOYS TODAY " onfke ffasty PIG Pl<yer ? IscT 
ip work op PIS WPERJidEVEN! [PelMlt 
Been bnoadcasf/Vra^aTCu) pals awl local sce- 
newaters ms-moa<Ms of usnertmtMe bv's 
vfo a flew Pis yw ^veryflrjefwe/rexq^f 
5hadesy&x.\>s Ml Great Ideal m iMnl 
-fell new, Look, rattier-ban p^ttim oat one 
iooffo issue ayear,or 12 bar/co //Trie "two- 
sided pi <5 sheet newsletters ayear,rm 
qoiataq Compromise- by puttlnq oof something 
% Be+M/eoL I'm mttwrn- ls NOMoa. caret-* 
d/qress- You qoffa. keep topping yourself from 
a/rmy most mz-mimtd consulrants. *&ut 




unci do it several 
times a year to boot"! insist, u lm a rode'n ' . 
roll star'bv tear f -I only dofefiP. frfxxXeT 
money, rarner than vlnorlinq tbr worlcdouM at 
theMMart^Iadl \r\thiNlCKoitime,the 
handy Cindy, armed only vJith a s-fapler, a 
ruler, a (ayebtpad (w o\w/,a stole anH a spooa) 
invents POCKET PIG wMc wrapping Xmas ' 
qffts. tug@S«/ We c\o set a war vtfovie by 
«/ay of celebrgtion. pec . 26 7T, m hi &> Tmt 
WILL be a mew Pl$ ptwmtt Whdfs -rmrefo 
write abort?! The past? People chimjdmff 
back in the 6olaenEmOf fbr> (and renumber 
-tha-Ps WEll over a decade aqoO.P (£t J^ e ^ 
WilltKers-THAVS MY life: Hmmm-qh 
Well ; -/eah yea^u/e know/, eat yer spinac/i...- 



..swessTI/Justqive "Tomorrow Never 
^^s ,f vstainoiite^5Pm y aind iffhafdcesn 1 /- 
illummaip a IraM bulb atop my $calp>, Ws 

^fli^mC e / ru " s - l KWtyr bowls fte cat lady V 
JANUARY yjSOrTOmrS LITTLE YARN* X 
HATE COWUmNG FORMAL INTERVIEWS 
NEAMtetmH AS THE INTERVIEWEES 
USUALLY HATE BEING FORMALLY INTERVt£bEt> 
B\JT WHATS A CLASS LITTLE HAS LIKE THE PIG 

l£F£$ lB E S * Wea , J CM O^LY REPLY BY 
SMim-SOMEQN E J QP THERE LIKES ME. 




MgHJ /T5 JUST THAT /T5EEM5 EVERYTIME 
THE PEADUNE (S APPROACH/NS FOR ANEW 
P.P., AWDT F/ND WysEiF3^M/^mE S 
SERjWn VE STREETS OF MoNTO HUMJKY 
AND /ArrERWEIA/LESS, J US MLtf F/AJ£> W- 
WiMi K ^ REFJ^E I NTHE NEAREST 
RESTflURWT M ORDER TO BOfiSH? UR 
THAT SOMETTM E5 TAKES Cf\REOFTHE 
HOmRY PARTOF MY PRmcAMENT.YET 

?JJ&5J^t^ l MULATtN<$, FACT-FILLEP 
POTENTIAL INTERVIEWEE SOMEWHERE 
WITHIN THE AFOREMEhTTlONEPEA%W y 




STOMACH OR THE BOCKS TO ENABLE ME 
TO SORSE /M POSH JO/WT5 LIKE 7WE F E5TA 
S& ? S ^P? /0 ^ e m^VEN MARS 

TO RW ACROSS ^TARS^TVlERE. BUTWOU 
RIGHT BEFORE P. PAPER % J p/SCOVERED 
^SELF PINING NEXTTO'NONEOTHERTHAN 
MNNY WHATS/SA/AME, (S)EX PIS&L. 
THEN, RIGHT BEWRE PEE>{\PE& io!\MllST 
RIPPm P0\AIN (AY PROMS AFTER fifwWC- 

^&P$£?b l &* m BOTPA\)tDJO-RF\N- 
SEN SHOULD 06±£ NTO THE A&JACEAJT 
&XZPI 7 ^PEC/ALLY OPP SEE/NS A$WE 

SSL? % T i£ P 5 ^-^ m^fu(/n 

JR£ e > • % "^ w^^Tlie Awtf Johansen Inter- 
view cxpoeared onfy m non-Canadian pressr 
of P< RM. NONEThELESS^HERE X Wf\ 
STE\MlNk OVER THE EMfrv NEXT^E— 
WHILST SIPPING A STEAMING ALFALFA 
OVALTINE INARINKY LITTLE SUEOE-0 

US ll ~ 



(>WS 



VILLAGE PNE KNOWN Ai 



THE Rf 



WAS PLAGUING ME „ 
^ J V OF IRONIES, IT 
TZMYSETJ^QA 



5U6CC 

rwAi 



INTERVIEWED C&Y A 
'fWm£)FORTHE> 
NEWSPAPER. 50^ AS 
BftJTLESHtP WlWTi 
OVEKTHE 'FINSERBQ 
£U)OKVPTOVlEW-\ 
PlD- WAYNE COUNT 
JAYNE COUNTY. SO 



LET'S SEE... I FIRST HEARD OF WAYNE COUNTY YEARS 
AGO, WHEN YOU USED TO WRITE ALL THOSE NEAT ARTI- 
CLES FOR "HIT PARADER" MAGAZINE. 
Well! And I must say, I first heard of PIG when 
my dear friend Miriam Linna (NOTED NEW YORKER OF 
ZAiMTEES AND "KICKS" MAGAZINE NEAR-FAME) showed 
me a copy of your fabulous Dave Clark Five mag. 
YEAH - PIG PAPER 10. YOU LOVE THE DC5, DON'T YOU 
Goodness, you just know I do! They looked so, 
so... YUM! in their little matching white 
slacks and dickies. . . 
AND THEY COULD ROCK TOO. 

They were The Best. They were absolutely IT with 
me in high school. My, the times I'd get into 
schoolyard brawls in the name of my wery faves, 
Mr. Dave's Five, against all those ugly Rolling 
Stones fans. 

YOU AND ME BOTH. DEFENDING THE DC5 IN THE MID- 
SIXTIES WAS ABOUT AS HAZARDOUS AS BEING A BEACH 
BOYS FAN IN THE LATE-SIXTIES! 
What? 
ANYWAYS... 

I could never identify with surfers or surfing. 
It sorta made my face run. 

SO HERE IT IS,. THE 1980s, AND YOU YOURSELF: A 
ROCK AND ROLL STAR! 

Well, well, Aren't all rock journalists just 
frustrated celebrities? 
TRUE, TRUE. 

And Gary, the way you carry yourself - I bet YOU 
could be a star yourself! 
THEY SAY I'M WIREY ENOUGH. 
So keep working on it! 

TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR OWN STARDOM? 
As far as Canada is concerned, three things: 
Max Webster, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", 
and Tiny Tim, but not in that particular order 
necessari ly. 

TELL ME - IN YOUR OLD "HIT PARADER" PIECES, YOU 
NOT ONLY RAVED OVER DAVE CLARK ALL OF THE TIME 
(HIDDEN MEANING THERE TO ALL DC5 FANATICS), BUT 
DUSTY SPRINGFIELD TOO, RIGHT? 
Of course! She was the ultimate. In many ways, 
she made me what I am today! 
I SEE... HOWZABOUT CILLA BLACK? 
Oh, no no no. Too rugged. Too hard. 
SHE WAS A WORKING GIRL... 
...north of England way... (GROAN) (YAWN) 
PERSONALLY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF 
SIXTIES PIXIES, I ALWAYS RELATED MORE TO TWIGGY. 
Well, you see, You are a boy. 

I KNOW. OKAY - NOW, LET'S UPDATE TO THE PRESENT, 
ALRIGHT? YOU AND YOUR BAND SPEND ALOT OF TIME 
IN AND AROUND TORONTO. IS THERE ANY TALENT 
'ROUND THESE PARTS THAT STRIKES YOUR FANCY? 
Oh yes! That young one who plays the bass in 
The Flamin - I mean Teenage Head. 
STEVE! HE'S A BIG ABBA FAN I HEAR. 
I knew it! I knew it! My, he's SO hairy. But 
there's not a butch bone in that boy's entire 
body! 

YEAH, WELL... 

And their manager: Johnny, uhh... 
JOHN BROWER. HE'S NOT WITH THE BAND ANYMORE, AT 
LEAST THE LAST TIME I LOOKED. 
That's a shame, because he could have been 
another Brian Epstein! 
I'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD ON THAT... 



OTfl 

< 

Inrfl 



OTA 



"TiU 



Inrfl 



^ 



m 

Innl 
If 3 

o 
o 




..swessTI/Justqive "Tomorrow Never 
^^s ,f vstainoiite^5Pm y aind iffhafdcesn 1 /- 
illummaip a IraM bulb atop my $calp>, Ws 

^fli^mC e / ru " s - l KWtyr bowls fte cat lady V 
JANUARY yjSOrTOmrS LITTLE YARN* X 
HATE COWUmNG FORMAL INTERVIEWS 
NEAMtetmH AS THE INTERVIEWEES 
USUALLY HATE BEING FORMALLY INTERVt£bEt> 
B\JT WHATS A CLASS LITTLE HAS LIKE THE PIG 

l£F£$ lB E S * Wea , J CM O^LY REPLY BY 
SMim-SOMEQN E J QP THERE LIKES ME. 




MgHJ /T5 JUST THAT /T5EEM5 EVERYTIME 
THE PEADUNE (S APPROACH/NS FOR ANEW 
P.P., AWDT F/ND WysEiF3^M/^mE S 
SERjWn VE STREETS OF MoNTO HUMJKY 
AND /ArrERWEIA/LESS, J US MLtf F/AJ£> W- 
WiMi K ^ REFJ^E I NTHE NEAREST 
RESTflURWT M ORDER TO BOfiSH? UR 
THAT SOMETTM E5 TAKES Cf\REOFTHE 
HOmRY PARTOF MY PRmcAMENT.YET 

?JJ&5J^t^ l MULATtN<$, FACT-FILLEP 
POTENTIAL INTERVIEWEE SOMEWHERE 
WITHIN THE AFOREMEhTTlONEPEA%W y 




STOMACH OR THE BOCKS TO ENABLE ME 
TO SORSE /M POSH JO/WT5 LIKE 7WE F E5TA 
S& ? S ^P? /0 ^ e m^VEN MARS 

TO RW ACROSS ^TARS^TVlERE. BUTWOU 
RIGHT BEFORE P. PAPER % J p/SCOVERED 
^SELF PINING NEXTTO'NONEOTHERTHAN 
MNNY WHATS/SA/AME, (S)EX PIS&L. 
THEN, RIGHT BEWRE PEE>{\PE& io!\MllST 
RIPPm P0\AIN (AY PROMS AFTER fifwWC- 

^&P$£?b l &* m BOTPA\)tDJO-RF\N- 
SEN SHOULD 06±£ NTO THE A&JACEAJT 
&XZPI 7 ^PEC/ALLY OPP SEE/NS A$WE 

SSL? % T i£ P 5 ^-^ m^fu(/n 

JR£ e > • % "^ w^^Tlie Awtf Johansen Inter- 
view cxpoeared onfy m non-Canadian pressr 
of P< RM. NONEThELESS^HERE X Wf\ 
STE\MlNk OVER THE EMfrv NEXT^E— 
WHILST SIPPING A STEAMING ALFALFA 
OVALTINE INARINKY LITTLE SUEOE-0 

US ll ~ 



(>WS 



VILLAGE PNE KNOWN Ai 



THE Rf 



WAS PLAGUING ME „ 
^ J V OF IRONIES, IT 
TZMYSETJ^QA 



5U6CC 

rwAi 



INTERVIEWED C&Y A 
'fWm£)FORTHE> 
NEWSPAPER. 50^ AS 
BftJTLESHtP WlWTi 
OVEKTHE 'FINSERBQ 
£U)OKVPTOVlEW-\ 
PlD- WAYNE COUNT 
JAYNE COUNTY. SO 



LET'S SEE... I FIRST HEARD OF WAYNE COUNTY YEARS 
AGO, WHEN YOU USED TO WRITE ALL THOSE NEAT ARTI- 
CLES FOR "HIT PARADER" MAGAZINE. 
Well! And I must say, I first heard of PIG when 
my dear friend Miriam Linna (NOTED NEW YORKER OF 
ZAiMTEES AND "KICKS" MAGAZINE NEAR-FAME) showed 
me a copy of your fabulous Dave Clark Five mag. 
YEAH - PIG PAPER 10. YOU LOVE THE DC5, DON'T YOU 
Goodness, you just know I do! They looked so, 
so... YUM! in their little matching white 
slacks and dickies. . . 
AND THEY COULD ROCK TOO. 

They were The Best. They were absolutely IT with 
me in high school. My, the times I'd get into 
schoolyard brawls in the name of my wery faves, 
Mr. Dave's Five, against all those ugly Rolling 
Stones fans. 

YOU AND ME BOTH. DEFENDING THE DC5 IN THE MID- 
SIXTIES WAS ABOUT AS HAZARDOUS AS BEING A BEACH 
BOYS FAN IN THE LATE-SIXTIES! 
What? 
ANYWAYS... 

I could never identify with surfers or surfing. 
It sorta made my face run. 

SO HERE IT IS,. THE 1980s, AND YOU YOURSELF: A 
ROCK AND ROLL STAR! 

Well, well, Aren't all rock journalists just 
frustrated celebrities? 
TRUE, TRUE. 

And Gary, the way you carry yourself - I bet YOU 
could be a star yourself! 
THEY SAY I'M WIREY ENOUGH. 
So keep working on it! 

TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR OWN STARDOM? 
As far as Canada is concerned, three things: 
Max Webster, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", 
and Tiny Tim, but not in that particular order 
necessari ly. 

TELL ME - IN YOUR OLD "HIT PARADER" PIECES, YOU 
NOT ONLY RAVED OVER DAVE CLARK ALL OF THE TIME 
(HIDDEN MEANING THERE TO ALL DC5 FANATICS), BUT 
DUSTY SPRINGFIELD TOO, RIGHT? 
Of course! She was the ultimate. In many ways, 
she made me what I am today! 
I SEE... HOWZABOUT CILLA BLACK? 
Oh, no no no. Too rugged. Too hard. 
SHE WAS A WORKING GIRL... 
...north of England way... (GROAN) (YAWN) 
PERSONALLY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF 
SIXTIES PIXIES, I ALWAYS RELATED MORE TO TWIGGY. 
Well, you see, You are a boy. 

I KNOW. OKAY - NOW, LET'S UPDATE TO THE PRESENT, 
ALRIGHT? YOU AND YOUR BAND SPEND ALOT OF TIME 
IN AND AROUND TORONTO. IS THERE ANY TALENT 
'ROUND THESE PARTS THAT STRIKES YOUR FANCY? 
Oh yes! That young one who plays the bass in 
The Flamin - I mean Teenage Head. 
STEVE! HE'S A BIG ABBA FAN I HEAR. 
I knew it! I knew it! My, he's SO hairy. But 
there's not a butch bone in that boy's entire 
body! 

YEAH, WELL... 

And their manager: Johnny, uhh... 
JOHN BROWER. HE'S NOT WITH THE BAND ANYMORE, AT 
LEAST THE LAST TIME I LOOKED. 
That's a shame, because he could have been 
another Brian Epstein! 
I'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD ON THAT... 



OTfl 

< 

Inrfl 



OTA 



"TiU 



Inrfl 



^ 



m 

Innl 
If 3 

o 
o 









3 LO 



MHPi^i 



And while we're on the subject 
of Rock V Roll Kings, here's the 
most unsung hero of the genre: 

CHUCK BERRY 
Inventor of the duck-walk, the 
ding-a-ling, and, many insist, 
the entire concept of rock'n' 
roll guitaring itself, The 
Chucker's contribution to modern 
history cannot be over-empha- 
sized. He first assaulted the 
Top Forty 'way back in '55, and 
even today, between jaunts to 
the slammer and The Merv Griffin 
Show, Mr. Berry still out- riffs 
and out-rhymes all comers. Let 
us pause for a moment, to offer 
humble praise and prayer to this; 
undeniable Pop God. 




On (or near) one of RCA-Colonel's flimsiest-ever 
excuses for a Presley platter, the hideous HAVING FUN 
WITH ELVIS ON STAGE: A TALKING ALBUM ONLY, the un- 
questionable King Of RockVRoll, already dink-deep in 
to his decline, monologued autobiographical ly between 
songs thusly: 

"Like to tell you a little about myself. I started out... in childhood. I started 
out when I was in high school, went into a record company one day, made a record, 
and when the record came out a lot of people liked it and you could hear folks 
around town saying, "Is he? Is he?", and I'm going, "Am I? Am I?"... whew (OUT 
OF BREATH)... Elvis deteriorate ' at the Showroom Internationale in Las Vegas... 
where was I?... oh, anyway, made a record, got kinda big in my home town, few peo- 
ple got to know who I was, that's w-u-z, was. See, so I started down in the wuz... 
ah shucks, what I mean to tell you is I was playin' around these nightclubs, 
alleys, and things. Did that for about a year and a half, then I ran into Colonel 
Sanders. ..Parker, Parker... and he arranged to get me some (BLOWS NOSE) Kleenex... 
he arranged to get me... whew, I'm tellin' you... shot to hell, this boy can't 
even finish a sentence straight... anyway, there was a lot of controversy at the 
time about my movin 1 around on stage so I... cleared my throat again, looked at 
my watch and ring and the guy said... the guy said?... the guy said nothin'... I'M 
the guy! I'm telling you, you better get this together, boy, or this is gonna be 
the last time they let you up on a stage. So, as I said, I went up to New York, 
did "The Jackie Gleason Show" three times... whew, sure has been a long time... 
anyway, did that couple of times... had pretty long hair for that time, and I tell 
you it got pretty weird. They used to see me comin' down the street and they'd 
say "Hot dang, let's get him! He's just a squirrel, get him, he just come down 
outta the trees". Well, anyway, did "The Ed Sullivan Show". They just shot me from 
the waist up. Ed's standing there in the wings sayin' "Son of a bitch! Son of a 
bitch!". I didn't know what he was sayin' so I'd say "Thank you very much, Mr. 
Sullivan". Next thing, they dressed me up in a tuxedo and had me singin' to a dog 
on a stool. You know I'm singin' to this dog and the dog is goin" "Whhhoooaaaugh! " 
and I'm goin 1 "Whhhoooaaaugh!". Then I got into the movies... "King Creole", 
"Jailhouse Rock", "Love he Tender", "Loving You", loving her... so I done four 
movies and I was feeling pretty good with myself. Had a pair of sunglasses and was 
sittin' there in my Cadillac going "I'm a movie star. Hot damn!", and the driver's 
goin' "Whew, watch that squirrel! Han, he's just outta the trees". I was living 
it up purty good there for a while and then I got drafted, and shafted and ever' 
thing else. One thing I found out though, is that guys really miss their parents 
in the Army. They're always goin' around call in' each other "mother". When I got 
out I did a few more movies, and a few more movies, and I got into a rut; you 
know, there's this big rut just the other side of Hollywood Boulevard. . .POW! .. . 
you know they let me do my thing here for a while and then they put me away for 
another nine years. . ." 

Is this man trying to tell us something? Why, yes he 
is as a matter of fact. But he's real strung out on 
leapers and Gatorade, so I'll tell you this tragic tale 
myself.. . in English, OK? 

Elvis was born in the deep redneck south in 1935. 
His twin brother died at birth, so his mama Gladys lov- 
ed Elvis too much. The boy grew up ragged and poor, so 
he thought he was hot shit when he started wearing pink 
shirts, yellow pants, long hair and sideburns in high 
school. He also sang, played guitar, and liked girls. 
Because of all this he got beat on lots. Once out of 
school, he got a job driving a truck, either because he 
thought it was cool or because he had to. Coz he had to 
I guess. 

But Elvis was not as dumb or as untalented as I bet 
most of you think he was, for soon he began visiting a 
local record company, Sun, during his lunch-hours. His 
parents loved music (the medicine of the destitute) so 
Elvis began cutting 78-RPM acetates for (yup) his mama 
when he wasn't driving his truck or combing his side- 
burns. Sun's miracle man, Sam C.Phillips, heard Elvis 
crooning Dean Martin medleys and immediately hooked him 
up with two local bop musicians, Bill Black and the 
exquisite Scotty Moore. Then he made them rehearse till 
their fingers bled. 

Now, there's an RCA album still firmly in print 
called THE ELVIS PRESLEY SUN COLLECTION that each and 
eyery one of you should own, if you don't already - and 
don't kid yourself that you know anything about rock'n' 
roll until you've played the grooves off this disc. Why? 
Because (Hank Williams,Sr. , aside) this is the Roots of 
our music. It contains all the elements essential to 
classic R&R: Speed, brevity, guts, distortion, and 
wrecklessness. Musicians are still, a quarter of a cen- 



tury later, struggling to re-create the Elvis Sun 
sound; John Fogerty came a bit close, but NOBODY'S ever 
really captured it. And I doubt if anybody ever will. 
For one thing, sound and recording equipment is too 
"good" (I use the term apprehensively) nowadays. Sec- 
ondly, most people say "Ahhyyw. . . that's old dumb 
stuff. That kinda stuff's for my parents; dumb old 
stuff from the past...". Any true rock'n'roll fan who 
says sacrilegious things like those in reference to 
vintage Elvis by way of defending their current musi- 
cal tastes is just chicken. Or stupid. Most likely 
both. Suffice to say, the material Elvis, his band, 
and Sam created at Sun in the mid-fifties is untouch- 
able. Meaning, it is THE BEST. If you don't agree, 
you haven't properly heard THE SUN COLLECTION. If you 
have and you still don't agree with me, then Fuck Off. 

Sun Records was a relatively tiny operation, but it 
had the ability to spot talent and do the \/ery utmost 
it could to launch it. Sort of the Stiff or Bomp of 
its day, if I may be allowed to stretch a point. But 
Elvis' recordings, plus his greaseball-bump'n 'grind 
stage show, were soon making him so big big big thro- 
ughout the south that even Mr. Phi Hips was having a 
hard time keeping everything under control. (Which 
reminds me: Not only was Elvis the greatest singer of 
all time, but the best on-stage performer too, but I 
can't prove that to you here. You had to be there, y' 
know. Or at least have a closet-top full of video 
tapes). One day, an old ex-carnival shuckster and so- 
so country and western agent entitled Colonel Thomas 
A.Parker saw Elvis, smelled BIG BUCKS, and lured our 
hero away from Sun and Memphis and on to New York, 
Hollywood, the Army, the middle-of-the-road, and 
mindless musical mediocrity. It took ten years, but 
the Colonel castrated Elvis, all to the tune of 50% 
(at least) off the top. 

But remember: I told you earlier on that Elvis had 
brains. In 1968 he made a valiant attempt to free 
himself from the clutches of his candy-coated career 
by taping a sizzling TV special, cutting a slew of 
great records back in Memphis, and snapping his ass 
back onto the concert stage. Had he still been a 
young crazy truck driver in his twenties, he most 
assuredly could have pulled it off. But Elvis only 
partially succeeded in resurrecting his greatness, 
and by the mid-seventies, deteriorated into a burger- 
bloated syringe-cushion, he gave up and died alone on 
his bathroom floor while we were all busy waiting for 
the first Sex Pistols album. 

In the words of a bunch of his old bodyguards, 
ELVIS: WHAT HAPPENED? A snotty cock-sure rocker 
surely can't transform into a jibbering Vegas cream- 
puff all by himself. You're absolutely right: He 
can't. Elvis had lots of help. 

THEORY ONE: We must all realize the back-breaking pres- 
sures inherent with holding down a position like Most 
Famous Creature In The Universe. Elvis, on the yery few 
occasions he ventured outside the walls of his flood- 
lit mansion, wasn't even allowed to piss in private. 
Someone, be it an aide or a fan, would always be there 
to "lend a helping hand". Leave Elvis alone for a sec- 
ond, it was thought, and some lunatic might toss flam- 
ing nitro into his face, and there goes one of the 
prime assets Colonel Parker, RCA, and the Internal 
Revenue Service had. As Geraldo Rivera would say, 
Elvis was a victim of his own fame. 




On (or near) one of RCA-Colonel's flimsiest-ever 
excuses for a Presley platter, the hideous HAVING FUN 
WITH ELVIS ON STAGE: A TALKING ALBUM ONLY, the un- 
questionable King Of RockVRoll, already dink-deep in 
to his decline, monologued autobiographical ly between 
songs thusly: 

"Like to tell you a little about myself. I started out... in childhood. I started 
out when I was in high school, went into a record company one day, made a record, 
and when the record came out a lot of people liked it and you could hear folks 
around town saying, "Is he? Is he?", and I'm going, "Am I? Am I?"... whew (OUT 
OF BREATH)... Elvis deteriorate ' at the Showroom Internationale in Las Vegas... 
where was I?... oh, anyway, made a record, got kinda big in my home town, few peo- 
ple got to know who I was, that's w-u-z, was. See, so I started down in the wuz... 
ah shucks, what I mean to tell you is I was playin' around these nightclubs, 
alleys, and things. Did that for about a year and a half, then I ran into Colonel 
Sanders. ..Parker, Parker... and he arranged to get me some (BLOWS NOSE) Kleenex... 
he arranged to get me... whew, I'm tellin' you... shot to hell, this boy can't 
even finish a sentence straight... anyway, there was a lot of controversy at the 
time about my movin 1 around on stage so I... cleared my throat again, looked at 
my watch and ring and the guy said... the guy said?... the guy said nothin'... I'M 
the guy! I'm telling you, you better get this together, boy, or this is gonna be 
the last time they let you up on a stage. So, as I said, I went up to New York, 
did "The Jackie Gleason Show" three times... whew, sure has been a long time... 
anyway, did that couple of times... had pretty long hair for that time, and I tell 
you it got pretty weird. They used to see me comin' down the street and they'd 
say "Hot dang, let's get him! He's just a squirrel, get him, he just come down 
outta the trees". Well, anyway, did "The Ed Sullivan Show". They just shot me from 
the waist up. Ed's standing there in the wings sayin' "Son of a bitch! Son of a 
bitch!". I didn't know what he was sayin' so I'd say "Thank you very much, Mr. 
Sullivan". Next thing, they dressed me up in a tuxedo and had me singin' to a dog 
on a stool. You know I'm singin' to this dog and the dog is goin" "Whhhoooaaaugh! " 
and I'm goin 1 "Whhhoooaaaugh!". Then I got into the movies... "King Creole", 
"Jailhouse Rock", "Love he Tender", "Loving You", loving her... so I done four 
movies and I was feeling pretty good with myself. Had a pair of sunglasses and was 
sittin' there in my Cadillac going "I'm a movie star. Hot damn!", and the driver's 
goin' "Whew, watch that squirrel! Han, he's just outta the trees". I was living 
it up purty good there for a while and then I got drafted, and shafted and ever' 
thing else. One thing I found out though, is that guys really miss their parents 
in the Army. They're always goin' around call in' each other "mother". When I got 
out I did a few more movies, and a few more movies, and I got into a rut; you 
know, there's this big rut just the other side of Hollywood Boulevard. . .POW! .. . 
you know they let me do my thing here for a while and then they put me away for 
another nine years. . ." 

Is this man trying to tell us something? Why, yes he 
is as a matter of fact. But he's real strung out on 
leapers and Gatorade, so I'll tell you this tragic tale 
myself.. . in English, OK? 

Elvis was born in the deep redneck south in 1935. 
His twin brother died at birth, so his mama Gladys lov- 
ed Elvis too much. The boy grew up ragged and poor, so 
he thought he was hot shit when he started wearing pink 
shirts, yellow pants, long hair and sideburns in high 
school. He also sang, played guitar, and liked girls. 
Because of all this he got beat on lots. Once out of 
school, he got a job driving a truck, either because he 
thought it was cool or because he had to. Coz he had to 
I guess. 

But Elvis was not as dumb or as untalented as I bet 
most of you think he was, for soon he began visiting a 
local record company, Sun, during his lunch-hours. His 
parents loved music (the medicine of the destitute) so 
Elvis began cutting 78-RPM acetates for (yup) his mama 
when he wasn't driving his truck or combing his side- 
burns. Sun's miracle man, Sam C.Phillips, heard Elvis 
crooning Dean Martin medleys and immediately hooked him 
up with two local bop musicians, Bill Black and the 
exquisite Scotty Moore. Then he made them rehearse till 
their fingers bled. 

Now, there's an RCA album still firmly in print 
called THE ELVIS PRESLEY SUN COLLECTION that each and 
eyery one of you should own, if you don't already - and 
don't kid yourself that you know anything about rock'n' 
roll until you've played the grooves off this disc. Why? 
Because (Hank Williams,Sr. , aside) this is the Roots of 
our music. It contains all the elements essential to 
classic R&R: Speed, brevity, guts, distortion, and 
wrecklessness. Musicians are still, a quarter of a cen- 



tury later, struggling to re-create the Elvis Sun 
sound; John Fogerty came a bit close, but NOBODY'S ever 
really captured it. And I doubt if anybody ever will. 
For one thing, sound and recording equipment is too 
"good" (I use the term apprehensively) nowadays. Sec- 
ondly, most people say "Ahhyyw. . . that's old dumb 
stuff. That kinda stuff's for my parents; dumb old 
stuff from the past...". Any true rock'n'roll fan who 
says sacrilegious things like those in reference to 
vintage Elvis by way of defending their current musi- 
cal tastes is just chicken. Or stupid. Most likely 
both. Suffice to say, the material Elvis, his band, 
and Sam created at Sun in the mid-fifties is untouch- 
able. Meaning, it is THE BEST. If you don't agree, 
you haven't properly heard THE SUN COLLECTION. If you 
have and you still don't agree with me, then Fuck Off. 

Sun Records was a relatively tiny operation, but it 
had the ability to spot talent and do the \/ery utmost 
it could to launch it. Sort of the Stiff or Bomp of 
its day, if I may be allowed to stretch a point. But 
Elvis' recordings, plus his greaseball-bump'n 'grind 
stage show, were soon making him so big big big thro- 
ughout the south that even Mr. Phi Hips was having a 
hard time keeping everything under control. (Which 
reminds me: Not only was Elvis the greatest singer of 
all time, but the best on-stage performer too, but I 
can't prove that to you here. You had to be there, y' 
know. Or at least have a closet-top full of video 
tapes). One day, an old ex-carnival shuckster and so- 
so country and western agent entitled Colonel Thomas 
A.Parker saw Elvis, smelled BIG BUCKS, and lured our 
hero away from Sun and Memphis and on to New York, 
Hollywood, the Army, the middle-of-the-road, and 
mindless musical mediocrity. It took ten years, but 
the Colonel castrated Elvis, all to the tune of 50% 
(at least) off the top. 

But remember: I told you earlier on that Elvis had 
brains. In 1968 he made a valiant attempt to free 
himself from the clutches of his candy-coated career 
by taping a sizzling TV special, cutting a slew of 
great records back in Memphis, and snapping his ass 
back onto the concert stage. Had he still been a 
young crazy truck driver in his twenties, he most 
assuredly could have pulled it off. But Elvis only 
partially succeeded in resurrecting his greatness, 
and by the mid-seventies, deteriorated into a burger- 
bloated syringe-cushion, he gave up and died alone on 
his bathroom floor while we were all busy waiting for 
the first Sex Pistols album. 

In the words of a bunch of his old bodyguards, 
ELVIS: WHAT HAPPENED? A snotty cock-sure rocker 
surely can't transform into a jibbering Vegas cream- 
puff all by himself. You're absolutely right: He 
can't. Elvis had lots of help. 

THEORY ONE: We must all realize the back-breaking pres- 
sures inherent with holding down a position like Most 
Famous Creature In The Universe. Elvis, on the yery few 
occasions he ventured outside the walls of his flood- 
lit mansion, wasn't even allowed to piss in private. 
Someone, be it an aide or a fan, would always be there 
to "lend a helping hand". Leave Elvis alone for a sec- 
ond, it was thought, and some lunatic might toss flam- 
ing nitro into his face, and there goes one of the 
prime assets Colonel Parker, RCA, and the Internal 
Revenue Service had. As Geraldo Rivera would say, 
Elvis was a victim of his own fame. 



THEORY TWO: Elvis discovered three important things 
while he was a soldier stationed in Germany: "Are You 
Lonesome Tonight" (which he reportedly overheard at a 
campfire), Priscilla Beaulieu (the one female from out 
of El's gigantic bevvy of finger-happy frauleins that 
stuck; see Diego Cortez's stunning photobook "Private 
Elvis" for pin-ups of all the goils who got away), and 
something which came to mean more to his life than 
screwing and even rockin; something second only to his 
beloved mama: DRUGS. Elvis Loved Drugs. He gobbled them 
while he was churning out those hundreds of sub- 
Hollywood quickie-flicks during the Sixties (the less 
said about those the better!). He gobbled them when he 
was playing the part of God On Tour during the Seven- 
ties. And,- most of all, he gobbled them to blot out 
the agony of his mama's death, his Priscilla's escape, 
and, eventually, the horror of his empty existence (as 
Geraldo Rivera would say). 
THEORY THREE : Elvis was constantly besieged with folks 



who were forever hounding him "in his best interests 
His daddy Vernon, who paid the bills, his physician 
Dr.Nichopoulos, who wanted to sell lots and lots of 
pills (and not only to El), his wife Priscilla, who 
wanted The King all to herself, and Colonel Parker, 
who felt it was his patriotic duty to keep Elvis in 
the 98% tax bracket. I think Colonel Parker should be 
shot and shat upon. 

Go into a record store tomorrow and look up an album 
called OUR MEMORIES OF ELVIS (VOLUME ONE). On the front 
cover is a quaint pic of Vernon and the Colonel posed 
in front of the King's castle. Now pull the LP closer 
and just eyeball the Colonel: stubby little chub-arms, 
crappy new clog shoes, and a sizeable gut almost hidden 
behind a flimsy (but I bet real expensive) sports 
shirt. (Vernon looks okay though, don't he? Rest In 
Peace, daddy). It was this old man, Tom Parker, that 
cruelly white-washed Elvis' music and his hips, all in 
the name of (heavens!) Commercial ity. 

Although I wouldn't for a minute deny that the Colonel 
invaluably helped Elvis on the long way up (Elvis would 
have Made It regardless though), conversly, I'm convin- 
ced the Colonel REALLY helped Elvis on the long way down 

all the way down to that cold bathroom floor. 



I could cite literally dozens of examples in defence 
of this claim, and I'm sure one could simply retaliate 
by pointing out, "That's what a manager's for! To keep 
his client as money-making a commodity for as long as 
possible, and that sometimes entails being obnoxious" 
(even to the point of wearing clogs?). But how can any- 
one humanly justify a scene such as the one which took 
place backstage in Vegas about eight or nine years ago, 
when Barbra Streisand (pause for snickers) burst into 
Elvis' dressing room and offered him the leading role 
in her up-coming mushball movie "A Star Is Born". Elvis 
said to himself, "Hot dang! Finally: a part with TEETH 
to it! A film with somethin' to it other than purty 
gurls 'n racin' cars!" But the Colonel vetoed the deal 
(not enough cash in it for him I reckon), and Elvis was 
totally crushed that his life-long dream - his one re- 
maining unrealized ambition - of being recognized as a 
serious dramatic actor had been denied him. (Okay, okay, 
"A Star Is Born": big deal, right? But could it have 
been any worse than, say, "Harum Scarum" or "Clambake"?) 
It was then, many inside Elvis' world agree, that the 
King decided, quite rightly, "Fuck It", and the end was 
not far off. 

I could end by saying something real Flash that even 
Geraldo Rivera wouldn't say, like, "Fried banana sand- 
wiches and amphetamines aside, it was really Colonel Tom 
Parker that killed Elvis". Or I could get wimpy and con- 
clude with something like "Isn't it a terrific shame 
that such an immense talent and all-round gift to man- 
kind such as Elvis had to end the way he did. His 
sorrowful story is but a reflection upon us all and 
our world". But, nyyahhhh 

I just hope that the most fabulous rock'n'roller of 
them all will be remembered for more than his movies or 
his last sixty-or-so albums. I hope he will be remem- 

Nothing more, Nothing less. 




THEORY TWO: Elvis discovered three important things 
while he was a soldier stationed in Germany: "Are You 
Lonesome Tonight" (which he reportedly overheard at a 
campfire), Priscilla Beaulieu (the one female from out 
of El's gigantic bevvy of finger-happy frauleins that 
stuck; see Diego Cortez's stunning photobook "Private 
Elvis" for pin-ups of all the goils who got away), and 
something which came to mean more to his life than 
screwing and even rockin; something second only to his 
beloved mama: DRUGS. Elvis Loved Drugs. He gobbled them 
while he was churning out those hundreds of sub- 
Hollywood quickie-flicks during the Sixties (the less 
said about those the better!). He gobbled them when he 
was playing the part of God On Tour during the Seven- 
ties. And,- most of all, he gobbled them to blot out 
the agony of his mama's death, his Priscilla's escape, 
and, eventually, the horror of his empty existence (as 
Geraldo Rivera would say). 
THEORY THREE : Elvis was constantly besieged with folks 



who were forever hounding him "in his best interests 
His daddy Vernon, who paid the bills, his physician 
Dr.Nichopoulos, who wanted to sell lots and lots of 
pills (and not only to El), his wife Priscilla, who 
wanted The King all to herself, and Colonel Parker, 
who felt it was his patriotic duty to keep Elvis in 
the 98% tax bracket. I think Colonel Parker should be 
shot and shat upon. 

Go into a record store tomorrow and look up an album 
called OUR MEMORIES OF ELVIS (VOLUME ONE). On the front 
cover is a quaint pic of Vernon and the Colonel posed 
in front of the King's castle. Now pull the LP closer 
and just eyeball the Colonel: stubby little chub-arms, 
crappy new clog shoes, and a sizeable gut almost hidden 
behind a flimsy (but I bet real expensive) sports 
shirt. (Vernon looks okay though, don't he? Rest In 
Peace, daddy). It was this old man, Tom Parker, that 
cruelly white-washed Elvis' music and his hips, all in 
the name of (heavens!) Commercial ity. 

Although I wouldn't for a minute deny that the Colonel 
invaluably helped Elvis on the long way up (Elvis would 
have Made It regardless though), conversly, I'm convin- 
ced the Colonel REALLY helped Elvis on the long way down 

all the way down to that cold bathroom floor. 



I could cite literally dozens of examples in defence 
of this claim, and I'm sure one could simply retaliate 
by pointing out, "That's what a manager's for! To keep 
his client as money-making a commodity for as long as 
possible, and that sometimes entails being obnoxious" 
(even to the point of wearing clogs?). But how can any- 
one humanly justify a scene such as the one which took 
place backstage in Vegas about eight or nine years ago, 
when Barbra Streisand (pause for snickers) burst into 
Elvis' dressing room and offered him the leading role 
in her up-coming mushball movie "A Star Is Born". Elvis 
said to himself, "Hot dang! Finally: a part with TEETH 
to it! A film with somethin' to it other than purty 
gurls 'n racin' cars!" But the Colonel vetoed the deal 
(not enough cash in it for him I reckon), and Elvis was 
totally crushed that his life-long dream - his one re- 
maining unrealized ambition - of being recognized as a 
serious dramatic actor had been denied him. (Okay, okay, 
"A Star Is Born": big deal, right? But could it have 
been any worse than, say, "Harum Scarum" or "Clambake"?) 
It was then, many inside Elvis' world agree, that the 
King decided, quite rightly, "Fuck It", and the end was 
not far off. 

I could end by saying something real Flash that even 
Geraldo Rivera wouldn't say, like, "Fried banana sand- 
wiches and amphetamines aside, it was really Colonel Tom 
Parker that killed Elvis". Or I could get wimpy and con- 
clude with something like "Isn't it a terrific shame 
that such an immense talent and all-round gift to man- 
kind such as Elvis had to end the way he did. His 
sorrowful story is but a reflection upon us all and 
our world". But, nyyahhhh 

I just hope that the most fabulous rock'n'roller of 
them all will be remembered for more than his movies or 
his last sixty-or-so albums. I hope he will be remem- 

Nothing more, Nothing less. 





= Too long since the last §| 0. 

=|PIG PAPER means Too many§| 

= records to review. So §^ 0\ 
= here's a handy bed-side §| 

^ guide to 1979 vinyl ^ $ 

=ee (that's like hypnotizing^ 

chickens) with even- |§ |§ ^ 



pk BANTS DELETE [ 
^ZONE DELIGHTS 



Chipmunks s?BeaTies 



introducing STEVE JONES in 



^littler-than-usual snide comments when the item in question^ ~ \ 
lis either good or bad enough to merit any. You may well ^ g| vj 
^discover lots missing. If so, be sure to reserve your copy 
^of PIG PAPER 12 at your favourite newsstand today! 

m 



IN WHICH H OflE 
REVIEW STUFF I 
ARE NOT TOLD 
WHAT THEY ARE 
REVIEWING UNTIL 
AFTER THEY HAVE 
REVIEWED IT. 



■^ 



11 




r ... 

pThe object of this col-3 pal ?{^ 
^umn is to pick up where = ^ aM > ^ 
^Jeremy Gluck's "Stupid a th * ^who 
I #Songs" series of past = Played (most 
s |pPIG PAPERS left off. In = * he 9 u ] tar on 
pother words, to explore g best LP of tne 
^that oft-overlooked yet = Steve Fat ^" 
^nonetheless essential § Jones and hls stra 
^ingredient of true rock ^ 1 ? ht : man Paul " G1 9 
^and roll: TASTELESSNESS.§ ? le 5 Cook, were 



/pThere are piles of bad 
^records being released 
vZevery week - in fact, 
they form the basis 
upon which the entire 
^Rock Industry is built. 
/^However, there's an en- 




§ in Toronto ove 
5 Christmas 
§ trendies: 
I What local 
§ band were 
I they sup- 
posedly producing while in town?), 
^ormous difference betw- § The duo requested and, naturally, 
een Bad records and 5 received an audience with the Pigs. 

Tasteless records. Such § After polishing off a dozen or so 
as the difference betw- £ scotch 'n 'cokes, I forced Steve at 
een, for example, GET I pen-point to play BLINDATE. Read 
THE KNACK and THE CHIP- £ the following to discover just how 
MUNKS SING THE BEATLES ^ witty the English can be: 
HITS. Both quartets are ^ BRIAN'S CHILDREN "CUT HER HAIR" 
attempting to blatantly // ( Ug ly Dog): "Christ, what a borin' 
line their pocketbooks I record. I thought we killed off 
by apeing the Fab Four \ N this type of music". DISTORT ED 
From Liverpool (which I ^ LEVELS "HEY MISTER" (Nowhere): "Bit 
find kinda pointless ^shorter, but still pretty fuckin' 
I awful "(belch). DOCTOR MIX "NO 
;FUN" (Rough Trade): "Some (belch), 



seeing as The Beatles 
weren't all that great 
to begin with, having 
produced only a handful 
of songs worthy of mer- 
it). That's fine (The 
Knack obviously being 



^1 said Some people dunno went to 
glet Iggy die. Even the Pistols did 
5 this, didn't we Paul?" FORGOTTEN 
5 REBELS "THIRD HOMOSEXUAL MURDER" 
? (S&M): "Listen now, I hate fags as 
too dumb to realize the S much (wheeze) as the next bloke, 
advantages of cloning a =but, God, this song's worse than a 
GOOD act, like Tommy Sbleedin' butt-fuck:" MARTHA AND 
James or The Monkees), j THE MUFFINS "INSECT LOVE" (Muffin 
HMusic): "Chick singer, eh? Does 
= she got big tits?" MINNY POPS 
§"K0JAK" (Plurex): "I said, has she 
^%%%l? SS ^ chordless toffee, E go t big tits? Has she?" NO FUN 
tt MW^ Chipmunks have not = "THE MAN WHO COLLECTED DISEASES" 
g^only spent their album -(Werewolf T-Shirts): "Come on 

iih'TT^D?^ lu* ? ea V e ^ then > has she?" SAUCERS "WHAT WE 
g^but TOPPING them! Just EDO" (Saucers): "Does that record 
g^try a comparison test Ewiv the chick singer got a pic- 
g||between A v-m, Simon, §shure sleeve? Just tell me. ..how 



|p^but whereas The Knack 
^^succeed only in emitt- 
§S$ing an odour of face- 



0^ Theodore & Mr. Seville's Ebig are they? 

iPln A1 i n^ Loving " and John § SCIENTIFIC AMERICANS ""EEP 0PP~0RK 



Come on ... " THE 
--IENTIFIC AMERICANS "EEP OP 
Paul Ringo & so-and-so'sEAH AHH" (Tekno Tunes): "Listen, 
version. Why, ol 'DishpanEeither you tell me, or I ain't 

M^nH f^S.^ 5 "^ = fuckin ' P la ^ in 9 this fucki "' 9ame 
^^stand a chance.' Similar-E a ny more. At le 

llv. the Beatle rendi- = (wheeze) (RETCH 



g||stand a chance.' Similar-| a ny more^'At" least" (belch 

' th ? 5? a l t ; le * r ? nd i", ^= (wheeze) (RETCH) at least , 
BBi:™ S u°LJ K"M° D "° ld l!?^« records with chicks on 



PH ily > 

^5§tions 



^^Your Hand", "Can't Buy 
||%Me Love", "Do You Want 
g§||To Know A Secret", and 
0^even the surf- flavoured 
0^{as Ray Davies once 
^^ pointed out) "Love Me 

j^Do" pale greatly when 

§|pjtted^ga/ 



) at least you got 
_ urn? 
EPlay one then..." TRUE CONFESS- 
IONS "GIVE HIM A GREAT BIG KISS" 
r(Bomb): "Is that a chick singin'? 
EFuck, whadda horrible song. Lemme 
Esee the sleeve. Ta. CHRIST, WHAT 
=A DOG: See this spaniel, Paul... 





= Too long since the last §| 0. 

=|PIG PAPER means Too many§| 

= records to review. So §^ 0\ 
= here's a handy bed-side §| 

^ guide to 1979 vinyl ^ $ 

=ee (that's like hypnotizing^ 

chickens) with even- |§ |§ ^ 



pk BANTS DELETE [ 
^ZONE DELIGHTS 



Chipmunks s?BeaTies 



introducing STEVE JONES in 



^littler-than-usual snide comments when the item in question^ ~ \ 
lis either good or bad enough to merit any. You may well ^ g| vj 
^discover lots missing. If so, be sure to reserve your copy 
^of PIG PAPER 12 at your favourite newsstand today! 

m 



IN WHICH H OflE 
REVIEW STUFF I 
ARE NOT TOLD 
WHAT THEY ARE 
REVIEWING UNTIL 
AFTER THEY HAVE 
REVIEWED IT. 



■^ 



11 




r ... 

pThe object of this col-3 pal ?{^ 
^umn is to pick up where = ^ aM > ^ 
^Jeremy Gluck's "Stupid a th * ^who 
I #Songs" series of past = Played (most 
s |pPIG PAPERS left off. In = * he 9 u ] tar on 
pother words, to explore g best LP of tne 
^that oft-overlooked yet = Steve Fat ^" 
^nonetheless essential § Jones and hls stra 
^ingredient of true rock ^ 1 ? ht : man Paul " G1 9 
^and roll: TASTELESSNESS.§ ? le 5 Cook, were 



/pThere are piles of bad 
^records being released 
vZevery week - in fact, 
they form the basis 
upon which the entire 
^Rock Industry is built. 
/^However, there's an en- 




§ in Toronto ove 
5 Christmas 
§ trendies: 
I What local 
§ band were 
I they sup- 
posedly producing while in town?), 
^ormous difference betw- § The duo requested and, naturally, 
een Bad records and 5 received an audience with the Pigs. 

Tasteless records. Such § After polishing off a dozen or so 
as the difference betw- £ scotch 'n 'cokes, I forced Steve at 
een, for example, GET I pen-point to play BLINDATE. Read 
THE KNACK and THE CHIP- £ the following to discover just how 
MUNKS SING THE BEATLES ^ witty the English can be: 
HITS. Both quartets are ^ BRIAN'S CHILDREN "CUT HER HAIR" 
attempting to blatantly // ( Ug ly Dog): "Christ, what a borin' 
line their pocketbooks I record. I thought we killed off 
by apeing the Fab Four \ N this type of music". DISTORT ED 
From Liverpool (which I ^ LEVELS "HEY MISTER" (Nowhere): "Bit 
find kinda pointless ^shorter, but still pretty fuckin' 
I awful "(belch). DOCTOR MIX "NO 
;FUN" (Rough Trade): "Some (belch), 



seeing as The Beatles 
weren't all that great 
to begin with, having 
produced only a handful 
of songs worthy of mer- 
it). That's fine (The 
Knack obviously being 



^1 said Some people dunno went to 
glet Iggy die. Even the Pistols did 
5 this, didn't we Paul?" FORGOTTEN 
5 REBELS "THIRD HOMOSEXUAL MURDER" 
? (S&M): "Listen now, I hate fags as 
too dumb to realize the S much (wheeze) as the next bloke, 
advantages of cloning a =but, God, this song's worse than a 
GOOD act, like Tommy Sbleedin' butt-fuck:" MARTHA AND 
James or The Monkees), j THE MUFFINS "INSECT LOVE" (Muffin 
HMusic): "Chick singer, eh? Does 
= she got big tits?" MINNY POPS 
§"K0JAK" (Plurex): "I said, has she 
^%%%l? SS ^ chordless toffee, E go t big tits? Has she?" NO FUN 
tt MW^ Chipmunks have not = "THE MAN WHO COLLECTED DISEASES" 
g^only spent their album -(Werewolf T-Shirts): "Come on 

iih'TT^D?^ lu* ? ea V e ^ then > has she?" SAUCERS "WHAT WE 
g^but TOPPING them! Just EDO" (Saucers): "Does that record 
g^try a comparison test Ewiv the chick singer got a pic- 
g||between A v-m, Simon, §shure sleeve? Just tell me. ..how 



|p^but whereas The Knack 
^^succeed only in emitt- 
§S$ing an odour of face- 



0^ Theodore & Mr. Seville's Ebig are they? 

iPln A1 i n^ Loving " and John § SCIENTIFIC AMERICANS ""EEP 0PP~0RK 



Come on ... " THE 
--IENTIFIC AMERICANS "EEP OP 
Paul Ringo & so-and-so'sEAH AHH" (Tekno Tunes): "Listen, 
version. Why, ol 'DishpanEeither you tell me, or I ain't 

M^nH f^S.^ 5 "^ = fuckin ' P la ^ in 9 this fucki "' 9ame 
^^stand a chance.' Similar-E a ny more. At le 

llv. the Beatle rendi- = (wheeze) (RETCH 



g||stand a chance.' Similar-| a ny more^'At" least" (belch 

' th ? 5? a l t ; le * r ? nd i", ^= (wheeze) (RETCH) at least , 
BBi:™ S u°LJ K"M° D "° ld l!?^« records with chicks on 



PH ily > 

^5§tions 



^^Your Hand", "Can't Buy 
||%Me Love", "Do You Want 
g§||To Know A Secret", and 
0^even the surf- flavoured 
0^{as Ray Davies once 
^^ pointed out) "Love Me 

j^Do" pale greatly when 

§|pjtted^ga/ 



) at least you got 
_ urn? 
EPlay one then..." TRUE CONFESS- 
IONS "GIVE HIM A GREAT BIG KISS" 
r(Bomb): "Is that a chick singin'? 
EFuck, whadda horrible song. Lemme 
Esee the sleeve. Ta. CHRIST, WHAT 
=A DOG: See this spaniel, Paul... 




PAUL VS. 
THE NEW WAVE 



m 

i 



His Frank 
Of The 



Opinions i 
Britishi 



"jTS: Paul, the purpose 



* rhe 



> find o 
ish Inva 



of 



[( entertainment world. You're one of 
i the few American personalities to re- 
f tain popularity under th 
l rule. You've remained in the lime- 
t light, but at the moment you're shar- 
£ ing it with half the population of 
3 England. To begin, do you think any 
■J permanent damage has been done ro 
\ the careers of stars who are presently 
« lost in the crowd ? 

* PAUL: Definitely nor! Most of the 
i English groups have relied on gim- 

ks, such as far-out haircuts and 

[ kooky clothes, to get them launched. 

\ Once an image has been established, 

almost impossible to get away 

{ from. Teenagers tastes constantly 

change and I feel sure the majority 

tastes that preceeded the Beatles. As a 
! matter of fact, 1 see definite indica- 
f tions that the change is already start - 
j ing. in teenage clubs, I see less and 
( less long hair and more attention to 
j g<x>d grooming, 

jj TS: In your opinion, how have the 
{ newcomers affected the American en- 
5 rertainment industry at the "box-of- 
\ f.ce ?" 

* PAUL: If they have had an affect, it's 
j been to stimulate box office sales all 
} rhe way around. The Beatles 
'1 pletdy revived the record busir 
K a time when it needed revivi 
j has been a dwindling market 
„ ]-\\ is Presley's peak, bin 
\ come back stronger than ever. The 

i television, too. For example, the Ed 
' Sullivan show used few teenager per- 
il formers until the Beatles sent the Sul- 
,, livan ratings soaring. 



■ PAUL: I'm happy for the effect it's 
on reviving the whole industry, 
t but I strongly resent some of the new- 
■ British groups who are riding in 
f on the wave. I said from the begin- 
» ning that the Beatles, although they're 
jf admittedly talented, were setting a 
rj dangerous precedent by relying on a 
\ gimmick such as their long hair ro 
5 get their careers launched. And I be- 
{ lieve my doubts have been borne out. 

* New English groups of lesser and les- 
t ser talent keep popping up, with all 
s, of rhem making it on a gimmick rath- 
;. er than real talent (which I again 
? must point out, the Beatles did have 
I and still do). 

U TS: If you have English favorites, 

* who are they, and why are they your 
1 favorites ? 

I PAUL: Personally, I prefer the Bea- 
> ties. Despite my resentment of the 
5 gimmick they used to get there, they 
J have continued to write and record 
,1 good songs. And I think they've suf- 
i fered because of rhe other groups 
who followed in rheir image with 
nothing besides gimmicks to back 

i} TS: How do you feel about the Eng- 

j lish look in styles for girls? 

J PAUL: 1 don't like anything about 
the English style in dress. And I don't 
care for the Beatnik trend that pre- 
ceded it in America. When I go out 
with a girl, I want her to look at- 
tractive, be well groomed, and wear 
the type of clothes that enhance her 

■J God-given features. The English ef- 

| feet on teenage fashion makes them 

? look more like something out of "The 

1 Addarn - mily." 

How about fashions for boys? 

ger hair and that sort of thing? 

i PAUL: The same opinion applies to 

male attire and grooming. I don't like 

to run around dressed to the teeth 

all the time, but I think it's possible 




rime, teenage performers have been \ 

featured almost every week, at least t 

half of them American. The effect J 

on motion pictures has probably been * 

degree, but nonetheless jj 

profitable if only because of the gen- ii 

11 show } 

business Oil the teenage level. I seri- t 

ously doubt the Beach party pictures j 

been so wildly popular I 

without the overall emphasis in teen S 

entertainment generated by the Eng [ 

ish groups. jj 

TS: Paul, in your opinion, how does r 
our entertainment industry feel about i 
the Red Coats ? ~ 

PAUL: I think the reaction is mixed. " 
Many young performers feel rheir f 
English counterparts are robbing them J 
of work. On the other hand, many f,2j 
of them would never have attained ■ 

f it hadn't been V 
for the teen interest generated by the jtt 
new trend. On the executive level, | 
there arc undoubtedly the same mixed Jj 
emotions. I've already mentioned 1 
fact thar interest in teenage entertain- j 
is at a much higher level. But * 
by the same token, Hollywood is ha\ 
ing to share this box office with the jj 
foreign made films and recordings P 
which folios 

illy feel about 



5 still look 

\ shaggy ap 

inly certai. 



md presen 

■ is for di 
of them. 



ible. A 



S Do you think any of the English 
:ts could have made it in America 
n their own, without traveling the 
:>ad paved by the Beatles? 

| PAUL: No, with the possible excep- 
l of one or two groups who do 

1 have something to offer besides a 

' freakish appearance. 



Paul doesn't pull punches! 



TS: How long do you think the 
trend will last, and how will it end? 
PAUL: I think its definitely on the 
down-grade right now, as evidenced 
by the fabulous success of the Righr- 
eous Brothers. Not only have they 
topped the charts in this country, 
they've also done the same in Eng- 
land. I think the present trend will 
end through talent which will start a 
new trend toward non-reliance on 
gimmicks. 

TS: In your opinion, why did the 
trend "happen" in the first place? 
PAUL: This is a subject that's kept 
psychologists guessing for more than 
a year. My personal feeling, for what- 
ever it's worth, is that the society in 
which We live has brought down the 
age level of the record-buying public 
to a point where kids from seven to 
twelve years of age are influencing 
record trends just as much as teen- 
agers. It stands to reason that they're 
less qualified to evaluate talent than 
those in the later teens, and also more 
easily influenced by gimmicks. Also, 
I have a sneaking suspicion thar the 
craze would never have reached such 
a feverish pitch if our parents hadn't 
taken such a strong stand against it. 

TS: Do you feel the trend has been 
harmful in any way, or helpful in any 

PAUL: I can't help but feel the ef- 
fect may have been a little harmful. 
I know I've had to battle with my 
little sister Patty about wanting to 
emulate the crazy hairstyles and un- 
attractive clothes associated with the 
trend. Also, the dozens of inferior 
groups that have come along recently 
have done nothing to elevate musical 



TS: Every major trend leaves an im- 
pression that remains long after the 



trend is replaced. In your opin 
what will be the mark left by the 

PAUL: 1 think it will be something 
to look back on and laugh about. The 
way our parents do about the [ 
fish-swallowing and flag pole sirring 

TS: After the trend fades, do you 
feel any of the British stars will be ! 
able to retain their popularity in ; 
America? 

PAUL: I frankly doubt it. If it weren't I 
for being copied by so many lesser ' 
talents, the Beatles might last forever. 
But with the way things are, they 
may die with the trend. And I must 
say, in all sincerity, that would be a 
pity. 

TS: What future trend might replace 
British rule? 

PAUL: As I mentioned previously, it 
has already started wirh the Righteous 
Brothers, and 1 think they will inspire 
other groups to follow in their foot- 
steps and make it on talent alone. 
Also, I feel it won't be too long until 
the big bands come back. 



TS: Thanks so much, Paul, for taking i 
the time to give us your opinioi 
one of the hottest topics of the day. j 
And thanks especially for the forth- 
right, honest answers you gave to our 

questions. We personally don't agree ' 

with you on all counts, but we respect IMBF" 
your right to your opinions, and re- * 
spect even more your willingness to 
express them freely. Thanks again! 

I Editor's Note: We at TS welcome S 
your comments regarding the article jj 
you've just read. As far as we know, \ 
it's the first of its type to appear 
American magazine. And it appeared r 
in TS because we knew you'd be i 
teresled in what one of our entertai 
ment world's most successful native f 
sons had to say about the tidal wa 
of British influence now flooding o 
country. Some of you will agree with * 
Paul's frank opinions, and some < 
Whatever the case may be, let us know J 
if you'd like TS to print more opinions £ 
on this subject, both pro and con. 

Also, if you'd like to share your$ 
own opinions with other TS readers, \ 
why not personally answer the 
tions we asked Paul and mail /AewR 
off to us? We'll print as many o/p 
them as we possibly can in a near fu- 
ture issue.) 

END 




PIG 
PEN 



5s# 

Dear Imants: I am 
| 16, Portuguese, 
and my boyfriend's 
18. The problem is 
I my parents think I 
| am too young to be 
dating. I feel I 'm 
wery mature, but 
they think all Can- 
| adian boys take 
drugs and look for 
one night stands. 
But my boyfriend 
lives at home, 
roller skates, and 
has a steady job 
I with the Big Bro- 
I thers Organization. 
What should I do? 

OH, SHUT YER NECK. 



Dear Imants: A few 
summers ago, one 
of my brothers was 
on a sports team. 
On this team was a 
boy with a yery bad 
reputation who was 
voted "most likely 
to" before he was 
18. I was warned by 
my friends to keep 
my distance but, 
naive 8-year-old 
that I am, found 
myself falling for 
him. His subtle 
passes made me, a 
girl who hasn't 
started her monthly 
discharges yet, 
feel like a fully 
grown woman. Should 
we get married and 
start a family of 
our own? My par- 
ents think I am too 
young. Please help. 

FLY UP MY ARSEHOLE, 
YOU BORING GIT. 



Dear Imants: I am a 
12 year old girl 
and sometimes I get 
a pain in my left 
breast when I 
breathe in. My 
mother, a nurse, 
says not to worry. 
What do you think? 

ALRIGHT: EVERYONE 
INTO THE CAR. 



ATTENTION! BECAUSE OF THE 
ELECTRICAL DILEMMA, IT WILL 
BE MANDATORY THAT CANDL** 
BE USED IN EVERY HOME . . 
THIS WILL NOT AFFECT YOI 
GOVERNMENT CONTROLLI 
TELEVISION SETS. ..A GLASS 
RECLAIMED DRINKING WAT 
IS NOW 55.60 A GLASS. . .GO< 
NEWS./ ^SCIENCE WILL SOC 

* r m\mmmt ecology crisis. 



As 



j WITH WHAT?.. 
A MAGIC WAND?! 



PIG PRODUCTIONS PATENTED POP 

PARADE TOP TEN OF THE SEVENTIES j 



1. "NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS" By 

THE SEX PISTOLS (Warner Bros. ) 
2. "IT'S ALIVE" By THE RAMON ES 

(Sire) 
3. "THE BEACH BOYS LOVE YOU" By 

THE BEACH BOYS (Brother) 
4. "GREATEST HITS VOLUME ONE" By 

ABBA (Atlantic) 
5. "THAT'S ROCK AND ROLL: SHAUN 

IN CONCERT" By SHAUN CASSIDY 

(Warner Bros. ) 
6. "SHAKE SOME ACTION" By THE 

FLAMING GROOVIES (Sire) 
7. "LIVE AT BUDOKAN" By CHEAP 

TRICK (Epic) 
8. "SURF'S UP" By THE BEACH BOYS 

(Brother) 
9. "SUNFLOWER 1 

(Brother) 
10."WILDMANIA' 



By THE BEACH BOYS 
By WILD MAN 



FISCHER (Rhino) 

(Actually, the whole point of 
trying to squeeze a Top Ten out 
of the Stupid Seventies is pretty 
ludicrous, right? We all know 
1970-1979 was nothing more than a 
repackaging of 1954-1968. Conse- 
quently, my REAL 1970's Top Ten 
reads thusly: 

"THE JAN AND DEAN ANTHOLOGY" , 
"PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS ALL- 
TIME GREATEST HITS", "THE DAVE 
CLARK FIVE: GLAD ALL OVER AGAIN", 
"THE ELVIS PRESLEY SUN COLLEC- 
TION", "THE TURTLES: HAPPY TOGETH- 
ER AGAIN", "PEBBLES, VOLUMES ONE To 
FOUR", "THE BEACH BOYS: ENDLESS 
SUMMER", Si re's "HISTORY OF BRITISH| 
ROCK" albums, "THE MOTOWN STORY", 
and "THE BEATLES 1962-1966") 




PAUL VS. 
THE NEW WAVE 



m 

i 



His Frank 
Of The 



Opinions i 
Britishi 



"jTS: Paul, the purpose 



* rhe 



> find o 
ish Inva 



of 



[( entertainment world. You're one of 
i the few American personalities to re- 
f tain popularity under th 
l rule. You've remained in the lime- 
t light, but at the moment you're shar- 
£ ing it with half the population of 
3 England. To begin, do you think any 
■J permanent damage has been done ro 
\ the careers of stars who are presently 
« lost in the crowd ? 

* PAUL: Definitely nor! Most of the 
i English groups have relied on gim- 

ks, such as far-out haircuts and 

[ kooky clothes, to get them launched. 

\ Once an image has been established, 

almost impossible to get away 

{ from. Teenagers tastes constantly 

change and I feel sure the majority 

tastes that preceeded the Beatles. As a 
! matter of fact, 1 see definite indica- 
f tions that the change is already start - 
j ing. in teenage clubs, I see less and 
( less long hair and more attention to 
j g<x>d grooming, 

jj TS: In your opinion, how have the 
{ newcomers affected the American en- 
5 rertainment industry at the "box-of- 
\ f.ce ?" 

* PAUL: If they have had an affect, it's 
j been to stimulate box office sales all 
} rhe way around. The Beatles 
'1 pletdy revived the record busir 
K a time when it needed revivi 
j has been a dwindling market 
„ ]-\\ is Presley's peak, bin 
\ come back stronger than ever. The 

i television, too. For example, the Ed 
' Sullivan show used few teenager per- 
il formers until the Beatles sent the Sul- 
,, livan ratings soaring. 



■ PAUL: I'm happy for the effect it's 
on reviving the whole industry, 
t but I strongly resent some of the new- 
■ British groups who are riding in 
f on the wave. I said from the begin- 
» ning that the Beatles, although they're 
jf admittedly talented, were setting a 
rj dangerous precedent by relying on a 
\ gimmick such as their long hair ro 
5 get their careers launched. And I be- 
{ lieve my doubts have been borne out. 

* New English groups of lesser and les- 
t ser talent keep popping up, with all 
s, of rhem making it on a gimmick rath- 
;. er than real talent (which I again 
? must point out, the Beatles did have 
I and still do). 

U TS: If you have English favorites, 

* who are they, and why are they your 
1 favorites ? 

I PAUL: Personally, I prefer the Bea- 
> ties. Despite my resentment of the 
5 gimmick they used to get there, they 
J have continued to write and record 
,1 good songs. And I think they've suf- 
i fered because of rhe other groups 
who followed in rheir image with 
nothing besides gimmicks to back 

i} TS: How do you feel about the Eng- 

j lish look in styles for girls? 

J PAUL: 1 don't like anything about 
the English style in dress. And I don't 
care for the Beatnik trend that pre- 
ceded it in America. When I go out 
with a girl, I want her to look at- 
tractive, be well groomed, and wear 
the type of clothes that enhance her 

■J God-given features. The English ef- 

| feet on teenage fashion makes them 

? look more like something out of "The 

1 Addarn - mily." 

How about fashions for boys? 

ger hair and that sort of thing? 

i PAUL: The same opinion applies to 

male attire and grooming. I don't like 

to run around dressed to the teeth 

all the time, but I think it's possible 




rime, teenage performers have been \ 

featured almost every week, at least t 

half of them American. The effect J 

on motion pictures has probably been * 

degree, but nonetheless jj 

profitable if only because of the gen- ii 

11 show } 

business Oil the teenage level. I seri- t 

ously doubt the Beach party pictures j 

been so wildly popular I 

without the overall emphasis in teen S 

entertainment generated by the Eng [ 

ish groups. jj 

TS: Paul, in your opinion, how does r 
our entertainment industry feel about i 
the Red Coats ? ~ 

PAUL: I think the reaction is mixed. " 
Many young performers feel rheir f 
English counterparts are robbing them J 
of work. On the other hand, many f,2j 
of them would never have attained ■ 

f it hadn't been V 
for the teen interest generated by the jtt 
new trend. On the executive level, | 
there arc undoubtedly the same mixed Jj 
emotions. I've already mentioned 1 
fact thar interest in teenage entertain- j 
is at a much higher level. But * 
by the same token, Hollywood is ha\ 
ing to share this box office with the jj 
foreign made films and recordings P 
which folios 

illy feel about 



5 still look 

\ shaggy ap 

inly certai. 



md presen 

■ is for di 
of them. 



ible. A 



S Do you think any of the English 
:ts could have made it in America 
n their own, without traveling the 
:>ad paved by the Beatles? 

| PAUL: No, with the possible excep- 
l of one or two groups who do 

1 have something to offer besides a 

' freakish appearance. 



Paul doesn't pull punches! 



TS: How long do you think the 
trend will last, and how will it end? 
PAUL: I think its definitely on the 
down-grade right now, as evidenced 
by the fabulous success of the Righr- 
eous Brothers. Not only have they 
topped the charts in this country, 
they've also done the same in Eng- 
land. I think the present trend will 
end through talent which will start a 
new trend toward non-reliance on 
gimmicks. 

TS: In your opinion, why did the 
trend "happen" in the first place? 
PAUL: This is a subject that's kept 
psychologists guessing for more than 
a year. My personal feeling, for what- 
ever it's worth, is that the society in 
which We live has brought down the 
age level of the record-buying public 
to a point where kids from seven to 
twelve years of age are influencing 
record trends just as much as teen- 
agers. It stands to reason that they're 
less qualified to evaluate talent than 
those in the later teens, and also more 
easily influenced by gimmicks. Also, 
I have a sneaking suspicion thar the 
craze would never have reached such 
a feverish pitch if our parents hadn't 
taken such a strong stand against it. 

TS: Do you feel the trend has been 
harmful in any way, or helpful in any 

PAUL: I can't help but feel the ef- 
fect may have been a little harmful. 
I know I've had to battle with my 
little sister Patty about wanting to 
emulate the crazy hairstyles and un- 
attractive clothes associated with the 
trend. Also, the dozens of inferior 
groups that have come along recently 
have done nothing to elevate musical 



TS: Every major trend leaves an im- 
pression that remains long after the 



trend is replaced. In your opin 
what will be the mark left by the 

PAUL: 1 think it will be something 
to look back on and laugh about. The 
way our parents do about the [ 
fish-swallowing and flag pole sirring 

TS: After the trend fades, do you 
feel any of the British stars will be ! 
able to retain their popularity in ; 
America? 

PAUL: I frankly doubt it. If it weren't I 
for being copied by so many lesser ' 
talents, the Beatles might last forever. 
But with the way things are, they 
may die with the trend. And I must 
say, in all sincerity, that would be a 
pity. 

TS: What future trend might replace 
British rule? 

PAUL: As I mentioned previously, it 
has already started wirh the Righteous 
Brothers, and 1 think they will inspire 
other groups to follow in their foot- 
steps and make it on talent alone. 
Also, I feel it won't be too long until 
the big bands come back. 



TS: Thanks so much, Paul, for taking i 
the time to give us your opinioi 
one of the hottest topics of the day. j 
And thanks especially for the forth- 
right, honest answers you gave to our 

questions. We personally don't agree ' 

with you on all counts, but we respect IMBF" 
your right to your opinions, and re- * 
spect even more your willingness to 
express them freely. Thanks again! 

I Editor's Note: We at TS welcome S 
your comments regarding the article jj 
you've just read. As far as we know, \ 
it's the first of its type to appear 
American magazine. And it appeared r 
in TS because we knew you'd be i 
teresled in what one of our entertai 
ment world's most successful native f 
sons had to say about the tidal wa 
of British influence now flooding o 
country. Some of you will agree with * 
Paul's frank opinions, and some < 
Whatever the case may be, let us know J 
if you'd like TS to print more opinions £ 
on this subject, both pro and con. 

Also, if you'd like to share your$ 
own opinions with other TS readers, \ 
why not personally answer the 
tions we asked Paul and mail /AewR 
off to us? We'll print as many o/p 
them as we possibly can in a near fu- 
ture issue.) 

END 




PIG 
PEN 



5s# 

Dear Imants: I am 
| 16, Portuguese, 
and my boyfriend's 
18. The problem is 
I my parents think I 
| am too young to be 
dating. I feel I 'm 
wery mature, but 
they think all Can- 
| adian boys take 
drugs and look for 
one night stands. 
But my boyfriend 
lives at home, 
roller skates, and 
has a steady job 
I with the Big Bro- 
I thers Organization. 
What should I do? 

OH, SHUT YER NECK. 



Dear Imants: A few 
summers ago, one 
of my brothers was 
on a sports team. 
On this team was a 
boy with a yery bad 
reputation who was 
voted "most likely 
to" before he was 
18. I was warned by 
my friends to keep 
my distance but, 
naive 8-year-old 
that I am, found 
myself falling for 
him. His subtle 
passes made me, a 
girl who hasn't 
started her monthly 
discharges yet, 
feel like a fully 
grown woman. Should 
we get married and 
start a family of 
our own? My par- 
ents think I am too 
young. Please help. 

FLY UP MY ARSEHOLE, 
YOU BORING GIT. 



Dear Imants: I am a 
12 year old girl 
and sometimes I get 
a pain in my left 
breast when I 
breathe in. My 
mother, a nurse, 
says not to worry. 
What do you think? 

ALRIGHT: EVERYONE 
INTO THE CAR. 



ATTENTION! BECAUSE OF THE 
ELECTRICAL DILEMMA, IT WILL 
BE MANDATORY THAT CANDL** 
BE USED IN EVERY HOME . . 
THIS WILL NOT AFFECT YOI 
GOVERNMENT CONTROLLI 
TELEVISION SETS. ..A GLASS 
RECLAIMED DRINKING WAT 
IS NOW 55.60 A GLASS. . .GO< 
NEWS./ ^SCIENCE WILL SOC 

* r m\mmmt ecology crisis. 



As 



j WITH WHAT?.. 
A MAGIC WAND?! 



PIG PRODUCTIONS PATENTED POP 

PARADE TOP TEN OF THE SEVENTIES j 



1. "NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS" By 

THE SEX PISTOLS (Warner Bros. ) 
2. "IT'S ALIVE" By THE RAMON ES 

(Sire) 
3. "THE BEACH BOYS LOVE YOU" By 

THE BEACH BOYS (Brother) 
4. "GREATEST HITS VOLUME ONE" By 

ABBA (Atlantic) 
5. "THAT'S ROCK AND ROLL: SHAUN 

IN CONCERT" By SHAUN CASSIDY 

(Warner Bros. ) 
6. "SHAKE SOME ACTION" By THE 

FLAMING GROOVIES (Sire) 
7. "LIVE AT BUDOKAN" By CHEAP 

TRICK (Epic) 
8. "SURF'S UP" By THE BEACH BOYS 

(Brother) 
9. "SUNFLOWER 1 

(Brother) 
10."WILDMANIA' 



By THE BEACH BOYS 
By WILD MAN 



FISCHER (Rhino) 

(Actually, the whole point of 
trying to squeeze a Top Ten out 
of the Stupid Seventies is pretty 
ludicrous, right? We all know 
1970-1979 was nothing more than a 
repackaging of 1954-1968. Conse- 
quently, my REAL 1970's Top Ten 
reads thusly: 

"THE JAN AND DEAN ANTHOLOGY" , 
"PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS ALL- 
TIME GREATEST HITS", "THE DAVE 
CLARK FIVE: GLAD ALL OVER AGAIN", 
"THE ELVIS PRESLEY SUN COLLEC- 
TION", "THE TURTLES: HAPPY TOGETH- 
ER AGAIN", "PEBBLES, VOLUMES ONE To 
FOUR", "THE BEACH BOYS: ENDLESS 
SUMMER", Si re's "HISTORY OF BRITISH| 
ROCK" albums, "THE MOTOWN STORY", 
and "THE BEATLES 1962-1966") 




VICTOR 

STEREO EFFECT SEWCESSEO MOP" W0H0PX0N1C 



victor 1 IU5/1 ~~B -^ ^^ ^^ -- mm mm 

i i tun*™*** \i p^j Civ c I 



PIG PAPER No.ll 

ONE THIN DOLLAR /55p:uk 




sins, 

The Wonderful Woi .- of Christmas 



JT** " pure gold 



PARADISE, HAWAIIAN STYLE