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Full text of "To Have And Have Not"

TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT
he never had anything like me and I know there
wasn't any men like him. I know it too damned well
and now he's dead.
Now I got to get started on something. I know
I got to. But when you got a man like that and
some lousy Cuban shoots him you can't just start
right out; because everything inside of you is gone.
I don't know what to do. It ain't like when he was
away on trips. Then he was always coming back
but now I got to go on the rest of my life. And I'm
big now and ugly and old and he ain't here to tell
me that I ain't. I'd have to hire a man to do it now
I guess and then I wouldn't want him. So that's
the way it goes. That's the way it goes all right.
And he was so goddamned good to me and
reliable too, and he always made money some way
and I never had to worry about money, only about
him, and now that's all gone.
It ain't what happens to the one gets killed. I
wouldn't mind if it was me got killed. With Harry
at the end there he was just tired, the doctor said*
He never woke up even* I was glad he died easy
because Jesus Christ he must have suffered in that
boat* I wonder if he thought about me or what he
thought about. I guess like that you don't think
about anybody. I guess it must have hurt too bad.
But finally he was just too tired. I wish to Christ it
was me was dead, But that ain't any good to wish,
Nothing is any good to wish.
I couldn't go to the funeral But people don't